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evolucious · 6 months ago

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Midnight Brew : Zayne x Reader

For a moment, you both stood frozen, caught in each other’s eyes. A surge of panic gripped you, and you wondered if he would find your silent observation intrusive.

But then, almost inperceptibly, he smiled.

pairing : zayne x reader (no gender specific terms are used to describe the reader)

prompt : our apartments are opposite each other and your kitchen window faces my kitchen window, so we always see each other making coffee at 3am. (aka, you and zayne sneak glances at each other before you decide to do something about it)

genre : sfw, fluff, slice of life, zayne please get some sleep

word count : 1,050

a/n : heyo, i've dusted off my tumblr skills to dive headfirst into another hyperfixation. this is just a one shot i couldn't get out of my brain so i slapped my keyboard and here we are. I'll probaby post more but feel free to dm or request any prompts/pairing!

It was another sleepless night, and the quiet hum of the city was the only sound breaking the stillness. With slow deliberate movements, you wrap yourself in your robe, the soft fabric offering protection against the predawn chill. You found yourself once again in the kitchen, guided more by muscle memory than conscious thought. The soft glow of the streetlights filtered through the window, casting a gentle light over your counter as you began the familiar ritual of making coffee.

As the coffee brewed, you leaned against the counter and looked out the window. The city never truly slept, but it had moments of stillness, especially at 3 am. You had always found solace in these quiet hours, the world outside muted and calm. The soft hum of distant traffic, the occasional bark of a dog, and the gentle rustle of leaves in the wind created a soothing backdrop to your nightly ritual.

The building opposite yours had always been a source of idle curiosity. You often glanced at the darkened windows, imagining the lives inside. One window was illuminated, the soft light spilling out and creating a beacon in the night. There, just as he had been for the past few nights, stood your neighbor, a man with dark, tousled hair and a pensive expression, moving with a quiet grace as he prepared his own cup of coffee. You watched him for a moment, intrigued by the way he seemed so absorbed in his thoughts. There was something almost mesmerizing about the scene, and you found yourself drawn to it night after night. It had become a silent companionship, a shared moment of solitude.

The first time you had noticed him, it had been purely accidental. A restless night had driven you to the kitchen for yet another cup of coffee, and as you gazed out the window, your eyes had landed on the man in the opposite building. He had been so engrossed in his own routine that he hadn’t noticed you, and you had quickly looked away, feeling a bit like an intruder. But over the next few nights, your curiosity got the better of you, and you began to look for him.

You found yourself wondering about his life. Why was he awake at such an ungodly hour? Did he suffer from insomnia like you, or was there something else that kept him up? Maybe he worked odd hours, or perhaps he was an artist or a writer, finding inspiration in the silence of the night. Your imagination ran wild with possibilities, each one more intriguing than the last. He became a character in your own personal narrative, a small comfort in the vast loneliness of the night.

Each night, as your late-night coffee ritual continued, you would glance out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the man across the way. He was always there, his presence a comforting constant in the silent hours. You began to notice little details about him—the way he ran his hand through his hair when he was deep in thought, the soft smile that played on his lips as he read something amusing.

One night, as you prepared your coffee, you felt the familiar pull to look out the window. To your surprise, the man was already there, his gaze meeting yours. For a moment, you both stood frozen, caught in each other’s eyes. A surge of panic gripped you, and you wondered if he would find your silent observation intrusive.

But then, almost imperceptibly, he smiled.

It was a small smile, but it warmed you more than the coffee in your hands. You returned the gesture, feeling a strange connection form between you in that silent exchange. From that night on, the smiles became a regular part of your routine, a wordless greeting that made the lonely hours feel less empty.

Despite the comfort these nightly interactions brought, your mind was constantly buzzing with thoughts and questions. Who was this man? What was his story? And most importantly, why did it matter so much to you? You found yourself thinking about him during the day, wondering if he thought about you too. It was strange to feel such a strong connection to someone you had never spoken to, yet the bond felt real and significant.

But tonight, as you prepared your coffee, you decided to take a chance. You rummaged through a drawer until you found a piece of paper and a marker. Your heart pounded in your chest as you scribbled a quick message:

"Couldn't sleep either? - Y/N"

Taking a deep breath, you held the note up to the window, praying that the streetlights would provide enough illumination for him to read it. For a moment, there was no response, and you felt a pang of doubt. Had you been too forward? But then, he stepped closer, squinting to read your message. A slow smile spread across his face, and he nodded before disappearing from view. When he returned, he held up his own note:

"Work keeps me up. Wanna share a cup? - Zayne"

Your heart skipped a beat. Zayne. Finally, you had a name to go with the face. You quickly wrote back:

"Meet downstairs?"

Zayne raised his mug with a nod and a smile, and you felt a flutter of excitement as you grabbed your mug and slipped on some shoes. You made your way down to the entrance of your building, your mind racing with possibilities. When you stepped outside, he was already there, leaning casually against the wall with his mug in hand. The cool night air washed over you, carrying with it a sense of anticipation and hope. He looked up as you approached, his smile warm and inviting.

"Hi," you said, feeling a bit shy now that you were face-to-face.

"Hi," he replied, his voice as smooth and soothing as you had imagined. "I suppose our midnight coffee rituals have finally converged."

You laughed softly, feeling the tension melt away. "It seems so. I hope you don't mind me intruding on your solitude."

"Not at all," he assured you, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "In fact, I was hoping we'd have a chance to talk. It's not every day you find someone who shares your unusual habits."

{pls dont repost i beg}

#love and deepspace #lads zayne #lads #lads imagine #lads fluff #lads fanfic #love and deep space #love and deepspace fanfic #love and deepspace fluff #zayne love and deepspace #zayne x mc #l&ds zayne #zayne x reader #zayne x you #doctor zayne #dr zayne #evoluciousfics

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accio-victuuri · 19 days ago

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Xiao Zhan Portrait Magazine February 2025 feature

source

“Xiao Zhan’s answer to Time”

As long as you hold the reins tightly, time will give you the answer.

Xiao Zhan has always felt that freedom and self are both neutral words. In the past, he may have cared more about other people's judgments, but now he prefers to listen to his own voice, "Destiny is uncontrollable, but what is controllable is oneself." The so-called freedom is the ability to control one's own destiny, whether fast or slow, whether strolling or galloping, it is all up to him. The reins are not in the hands of anyone else, but in the hands of Xiao Zhan.

Free time

In 2023, Xiao Zhan stayed with his actor friend Vincent for a long time.

He always remembered the scene when they first met: Vincent was very tall, with a very long neck and muscles all over his body. The sun shone on his skin, making it glow red. He held his head high, very elegantly, ignored everyone, and walked proudly into the stable - yes, Vincent was a horse.

After a while, Vincent suddenly started to kick and kick other horses when he passed by them, then ran around the arena frantically. "I was completely stunned at the time," Xiao Zhan said. He pointed at Vincent and looked at the equestrian teacher, "Are you sure?" The equestrian teacher was very calm, "Yes."

Vincent was selected from more than 1,000 foals to become one of the actors in the movie "The Legend of the Condor Heroes: The Greatest Hero", playing the role of the hero Guo Jing's mount "Little Red Horse".

For Xiao Zhan, the male lead who plays Guo Jing, riding the "little red horse" is the first step to becoming Guo Jing.

This is a test that the two actors go through together, exploring each other, testing each other, breaking through each other's boundaries, and ultimately, reaching mutual understanding and trust.

Vincent is very smart, he is almost the smartest horse in the herd, he has his own unique way of being lazy, often running and then stop moving. Xiao Zhan whispered in his ear to persuade him, Xiaohong, can you run two more laps, but Xiaohong ignored him. Xiaohong didn't want to walk, no one could persuade her; when Xiaohong was unhappy, she would just stick up her horse's butt and throw people off.

Time and waiting are the most Xiao Zhan can give, there is no other way.

He said that if the little red horse was unwilling, he would stop, and when the little red horse was willing to accept, he would spend more time to run in and train. Gradually, the little red horse and Xiao Zhan reached a tacit understanding. He knew that as long as they completed the training every day, everyone could rest. Later, during the breaks in filming, Xiao Zhan did not forget to feed the little red horse with carrots to reward his partner.

Talking about his time with the little red horse, Xiao Zhan said that he felt very happy and it was a feeling of freedom.

Free to fly, free to understand the emotions, personality and habits of another species. They get along day and night, trust each other, and eventually become friends.

For more than two months in the summer of 2023, Xiao Zhan lived this kind of life: getting up at 6 o'clock in the morning, going out at 7 o'clock, crossing the sixth ring road of Beijing, and going to the horse farm in the suburbs. If there is a traffic jam, it will take nearly two hours to get there. That state is like going to school, riding in the morning, martial arts in the afternoon, sometimes riding all day, and physical training. He can rest one day a week, occasionally two days. After returning home, as long as he has enough time, he will continue to do strength training.

Director Tsui Hark treated The Legend of the Condor Heroes rigorously and specially, requiring the actors to devote themselves to such a "semi-closed" period. Actress Zhuang Dafei, who played Huang Rong, remembered that Xiao Zhan would lead the actors to practice more. Because they had a foundation in exercise before and were relatively professional, the physical education teacher would let him lead everyone to do warm-up and stretching exercises, "It felt like classmates were in class together, and the class monitor led us to train."

During that time, Xiao Zhan fell asleep quickly every day due to extreme fatigue. This was another kind of freedom he felt, the freedom of creating a new character.

We asked Xiao Zhan, in the past five years, have you ever had a moment of spiritual freedom? His answer was: "The days on the set made me feel free." The road to the racecourse was long, and it made him happy.

Director Song Xiaofei also witnessed this period of time. At that time, the film "Sunshine by my side" that the two of them were working on had reached the post-editing stage. He knew that Xiao Zhan was very busy every day because of the subsequent scenes, working out, riding horses, and archery. Occasionally, he would tell him that his waist and back hurt, but he found that Xiao Zhan had a more relaxed and free state - he didn't care too much whether there was some dirt on his face, whether he was sweating or oily, he cared more about whether the role was accurate.

When we talk about the past five years, Xiao Zhan will mark the year with each work. In 2020, he filmed "Ace Troops", in 2021 it was "Dream of Dreams" and "Yu Gu Yao", in 2022 it was "Where Dreams Begin" and "Sunshine by my Side", in 2023 it was "The Legend of the Condor Heroes: The Greatest Hero", and in 2024 it was "The Legend of the Canghai". One after another, he approached those characters with curiosity, some non-repetitive and more complex roles, and found different answers to life in them.

When working with director Tsui Hark, Xiao Zhan always showed respect. When they first met two years ago, he didn't even ask why Tsui Hark asked him to play Guo Jing. When they said goodbye, he didn't even dare to say "I look forward to working with you" for fear of being abrupt. It was only after a while that he knew that Tsui Hark wanted him to play Guo Jing.

But why did the cooperation start with the little red horse? Perhaps we can find the answer in the original work of The Legend of the Condor Heroes. The little red horse is a partner, a comrade-in-arms, and a family member to Guo Jing. More importantly, there is a plot about Guo Jing and the little red horse in the original work. It was a very important turning point in Guo Jing's growth. It was also the first real battle after Guo Jing practiced the Quanzhen internal skills. His courage, concentration and long endurance made the Seven Freaks of Jiangnan recognize this apprentice again and helped him become the "greatest hero".

Regarding Guo Jing and the little red horse, there is a description in the original novel: "The little red horse ran wildly and leaped, galloping back and forth on the grassland for more than an hour, and it was getting more and more energetic. The herdsmen were horrified. The old herdsman knelt down and muttered a prayer, asking the God not to bring disaster on them for offending the dragon horse. He also shouted loudly, asking Guo Jing to get off the horse quickly. But Guo Jing was concentrating on sticking to the horse's back, as if he was tied tightly with a rope. He rose and fell with the horse's height and never fell off the horse."

Xiao Zhan, who has a close relationship with Guo Jing, can also realize that this seems to be a metaphor for Guo Jing's life path: no matter how ups and downs his fate is, he will not be thrown off the horse. He holds the reins tightly and uses a seemingly clumsy but irreplaceable method to step into the world of martial arts and become a great hero.

When Xiao Zhan met his little red horse Vincent, he would have his own answer to this question: when you are in the world, pain and accidents are inevitable, as long as he holds the reins tightly, he will always wait for his moment of freedom.

Innocent confusion

There will almost certainly be a long period of negotiation before the moment of freedom arrives.

It was a long table, with more than 30 actors sitting around it, and the first script reading session that spring began. This play has been performed for more than 20 years. Some actors have been there since the premiere, and many actors are new. Everyone had to introduce themselves. It was Xiao Zhan's turn. Before he spoke, countless guesses kept popping up in his mind, "Oh my God, they will all think I'm a rookie. Will they wonder where this kid came from?" He thought nervously while saying in a low voice, "Hello everyone, I'm Xiao Zhan." Three years later, when recalling this scene to "Portrait", Xiao Zhan commented on himself at the time, "Completely, very, very unconfident."

It was the spring of 2021. Xiao Zhan was invited to star in the CCTV version of "Dream Like a Dream". This was his first time on the stage of a drama and he played one of the soul roles of the play, "Patient No. 5", a role he regarded as "very sacred".

When Xiao Zhan was in college and joined an art troupe, he had heard about "Dream Like a Dream". He knew it was a play about life and death, impermanence and reincarnation, so he became curious about it. Now, it was his turn to play the role. "I couldn't believe it." He was not a professional actor and had no experience in drama performance. How could he take on such an important role? But because he really liked it, he accepted the invitation.

The story of " Patient No. 5 " attracted Xiao Zhan. It was an extremely complicated fate - his child died, his wife disappeared, and he suddenly contracted a strange disease and was tortured. In the last moments of his life, he decided to travel far away and travel around the world. In Paris, France, he met his lover and also met the mystery of another person. For the rest of his life, he was looking for answers and the answer to the mystery of life.

Xiao Zhan's role as "Patient No. 5" in the CCTV version of "Like a Dream" was decided by the chief producer Wang Keren. Before 2019, Wang Keren had never heard of the name Xiao Zhan. The first time he knew him was because they happened to stay in the same hotel. He heard from others that a very popular actor named Xiao Zhan also lived there.

In 2020, Wang Keren was looking for a new version of "Patient No. 5" and a friend told him that he could pay attention to Xiao Zhan.

Wang Keren believes that the most mysterious thing about a person's destiny is impermanence. A few years ago, he told People that Xiao Zhan and "Patient No. 5" have something in common, which is very complex and has a sense of destiny. "People are fulfilled as they stay, and they are hit as they stay."

In July of that year, Wang Keren approached Xiao Zhan and invited him to have a conversation about drama with playwright Wan Fang. In fact, he wanted to observe the young actor. A few days later, Xiao Zhan handed over a long interview outline, which touched Wang Keren.

He told Portrait that he chose Xiao Zhan not only because of his sensitivity to words and deep diligence, but more importantly, during that conversation with Wan Fang, he noticed that Xiao Zhan exuded a kind of "innocent confusion", a trait unique to "Patient No. 5", and he wanted to explore where this "innocent confusion" came from.

"I find it very strange that when a person is in a severe shock, his soul will definitely feel confused, and this confusion may be more severe than I imagined," said Wang Keren.

At that time, Xiao Zhan was indeed at a loss. In 2015, he entered the entertainment industry through a talent show and became a member of an idol boy group from an ordinary designer. In 2019, he became popular because of the TV series "The Untamed" and became the most watched actor in China. Everything happened too quickly.

When he was a child, Xiao Zhan liked to watch "Story Club". The stories in it were all kinds of strange and the fate was ups and downs. As a child, he first knew what impermanence was. He remembered that when Wang Keren first met him, he told him that he was chosen because of "a kind of impermanence". He also understood that at certain moments, his fate and that of "Patient No. 5" were intertwined. Rather than saying that "Patient No. 5" needed him, it would be better to say that Xiao Zhan at that time also needed "Patient No. 5".

When we asked Xiao Zhan, what is the most empathetic point between you and "Patient No. 5"?

"Looking for an answer. An answer to anything." Xiao Zhan said. "Portrait" and Xiao Zhan haven't seen each other for 5 years. The last time they filmed was at the beginning of the new year of 2020. In the following 5 years, many new problems occurred, which also gave him many new confusions.

Xiao Zhan told Portrait that the arrival of Dream Like a Dream is very important to him, "very important". It is not only a breakthrough in performance, but also an influence and support on the spiritual level. "When I really needed such energy, it appeared miraculously. It gave me some answers to many questions."

He knew that he had to seize this opportunity, just like holding the reins of a horse, and he had to decide his own direction.

Dreamlike answer

The answer is not that easy to come by.

After taking on the role of "Patient No. 5", Xiao Zhan began to suffer from insomnia at night. When he was awake, he was reading the script. Before joining the crew, he had memorized all the lines and rehearsed many scenes at home many times. Despite this, he was still so unconfident.

Xiao Zhan shared a detail with Portrait about his nervousness at the time. At the first reading session, when he read out the first line, his attention was not on himself, but on others. He seemed to be staring at the script in front of him, but in fact he was secretly glancing at the reactions of other actors with his peripheral vision. Until he finished reading, he found that everyone had a little surprised reaction: "Eh, it seems okay."

The book "Everything for Drama" also records the behind-the-scenes story of "Dream Like a Dream": Before Xiao Zhan came, he had memorized all the lines. He came in the state of "Patient No. 5" and could start rehearsing immediately after arriving.

Wang Keran is very concerned about Xiao Zhan's status, not only because of his huge fan base, but also because the new version of "Patient No. 5" will be judged by all audiences and professional dramatists. The book "Everything for Drama" summarizes the status at that time like this: "A thorn has been piercing the back of this crew since half a year ago - can the newly joined Xiao Zhan perform on the stage of drama? "

Soon, Wang Keran found that Xiao Zhan had put himself into it. During the rehearsal, actors are easily attracted by their phones, but in the rehearsal, Wang Keran observed that Xiao Zhan did not waste a minute. He never lowered his head to look at his phone. When others were rehearsing, he was also observing, thinking and learning.

Recalling the scene a few years ago, Xiao Zhan said that he liked that kind of life very much. He was immersed in rehearsals every day, which was like returning to school. Everyone rehearsed and discussed, and the teacher gave feedback, revised and polished the work. Everyone created together. For him, "Dream Like a Dream" was like a school, and more like a dream.

Before the premiere, Xiao Zhan was very nervous. He was the opening actor, and the first line of the 8-hour "Like a Dream" was his. When he stood in position, the spotlight was turned on, and there was only white in front of him. The world seemed to be still. He remembered that he could not hear anything that day, but his own heartbeat, thump, thump, thump... When he finished his first line, his hearing was restored.

This may be the charm of the stage. Even though the whole audience was silent, Xiao Zhan could feel that "the air was applauding." Wang Keran also remembered the situation on the day of the premiere. He felt that Xiao Zhan almost "fully and perfectly expressed the emotions of ' Patient No. 5'" that day.

Since April 2021, Xiao Zhan has traveled all over the country with "Dream Like a Dream". In more than two years, he has performed in many shows and gained a lot. What Xiao Zhan likes most is that after each performance, the director and all the actors will get together and express together: "We have carried so much love and enthusiasm from the audience, so we must give these things back to everyone."

Every time, Xiao Zhan would say that he would never cry and would control his emotions, but every time everyone would find that he would come back with swollen eyes from crying.

He became "Patient No. 5" without reservation. There seemed to be an invisible rope between him and "Patient No. 5". Every time he played "Patient No. 5", his mood was also affected. "No scene is the same." The old actors told him that this was right. Even if they had been acting for 10 years, they would have new feelings every time. This is drama. Xiao Zhan also knew that the rope was not only holding "Patient No. 5" but also his persistence in acting. He did not let go of his hand.

At the end of "A Dream Like a Dream", "Patient No. 5" has to stand on the stage and sing a song. Every time he performs this part, he will be deeply immersed in a complex emotion, because before this, he has foreseen the death of "Patient No. 5".

There is a transition time of five or six seconds from lights off to lights on. Xiao Zhan always asks the staff behind the scenes to help him turn off the microphone. He will quickly wipe away his tears, sniff his nose, and adjust his state.

Sometimes, the feeling of helplessness about the fate of the characters still came up. One time, he started to cry while singing. He felt guilty and thought his performance was not perfect. At that time, the actress Feng Xianzhen, who played the elderly Gu Xianglan, said to him, "Your performance today was very moving. You know that? This is the drama itself."

In the more than two years since he became "Patient No. 5", Xiao Zhan has received a lot of comfort, companionship and awakening. He has gradually found his place in this dream and also found some resonance. Backstage, the sign in his lounge does not say Xiao Zhan, but "Patient No. 5".

Wang Keran said that what impressed him the most was actually the performance of "Patient No. 5" lying on the bed. That line made him feel that Xiao Zhan truly understood the role: "He had to get into (the role) to understand his confusion about himself and his fate. Only then could he truly feel it, express it, and have the power to do so. He did it."

Nourishment

The opening up of an individual happens little by little. Outside the stage, at certain subtle moments, Xiao Zhan always reaches out to let the wind of freedom blow in from the cracks in his life.

No one noticed that Xiao Zhan was among them.

He appeared on Binjiang Road, Chongqing's most famous urban promenade, taking a walk as he did before; he appeared at a roadside food stall, eating noodles with his good friends; he appeared in the most prosperous downtown area of a city, taking pictures everywhere with his camera.

In the past few years, he has occasionally wandered around, riding his bike, watching movies, and walking around freely.

These moments are so important to him. "It's like I'm a tree. Have you ever seen a tree grow in the air? No, it must land on the ground. That's the feeling." Xiao Zhan told People magazine that real people and real life are his soil.

When we first met Xiao Zhan, he said that the atmosphere of life was very important to him, and that kind of life gave him a solid feeling. Over the past five years, he has repeatedly emphasized the importance of life in interviews. He will remain sensitive to and capture daily details, observe the status of the staff on the set, observe the Chongqing residents by the Jialing River, and observe the food delivery riders.

When he couldn't sleep at night, he would often sit by the window and stare blankly. He would wonder what people were doing in the windows that were still lit at two or three in the morning. Were they working overtime? Or were they suffering from insomnia? Sometimes on rainy nights, he would see some people running with umbrellas, while others were walking slowly without umbrellas. He was curious about what stories those people had.

Life has given him a great deal of nourishment and strength, enough for him to have the confidence to cope with difficulties and step into the moment of freedom again, and the family is an important space for providing this nourishment and strength.

Last summer, Xiao Zhan and his parents went on a trip to Europe. They spent more than a week together. The last time the family of three went on such a trip was when he was in high school and went to Lijiang, Yunnan. At that time, Xiao Zhan was in adolescence and was very rebellious. He played by himself and didn't want to spend more time with his parents. More than a decade later, he had the opportunity to travel with his parents again. What he wanted was to spend some time with his parents so that they could see his life.

The short trip came to an end. He and his parents said goodbye at the seaside of a foreign country. His parents continued their trip, and Xiao Zhan ended his vacation and went to work. After lunch, they will each go to their next destination. He remembered the scene of parting that day very clearly. The alley was very narrow, so narrow that only one car could pass through. When the car drove in, the pedestrians on both sides had to stand sideways against the wall. The car to pick up Xiao Zhan came first, and he could not stay for long. Just as the clock struck midnight, the pumpkin car came to pick him up, and the dream was about to end.

He and his parents maintain a traditional Chinese family relationship model. Love is subtle and silent. When facing the person he loves, he never expresses too much emotion. He just pretends to be indifferent and says, "Go away and take care of yourself."

But that day, Xiao Zhan stood at the door of the restaurant, he hugged his mother first, then hugged his father. All his perceptions were magnified again. He remembered that when he was hugging his mother, a middle-aged lady walked by sideways. She was wearing a white dress with blue prints. He hugged his mother and watched a gust of wind blow by. The lady's skirt swayed, and the wind smelled like the sea.

The scene was like a movie, deeply imprinted in his mind. When talking about this scene, Xiao Zhan showed the most emotional expression of the day. He closed his eyes and imagined that he was back at the beach. He held his arms in the air, as if he was hugging his mother again. This was almost one of his moments of the year. This complete relaxation brought him some long-lasting strength. During that trip, he also publicly posted a photo with his parents on social networks for the first time, although it was only a back view.

Xiao Zhan said that he and his parents don’t contact each other every day, but they have a strong sense of bond. His parents rarely ask about his work, and they don’t have many in-depth conversations. They only say one thing when he encounters difficulties: "Being happy is more important than anything else. It’s no big deal. Otherwise, just go home."

He found that when he was with his parents, they always talked about his childhood. When he was in high school, he was very annoyed and didn't want to listen more. When he was in his 30s, he had the idea of "talking more, the more the better". He wanted to listen to how he grew up. This is where he came from, and it is also the reason why he grew up to be Xiao Zhan.

A few years ago, he expressed in an interview that he wanted to find "real life". He was worried that he was too far away from the concrete world and lost his judgment of reality. This year, he suddenly changed. Perhaps it was because of more observation, or perhaps it was because of that trip. He confirmed one thing, "I am in real, concrete life."

The concrete life related to his parents and hometown over the past 20 years is like a thick and gentle net, which gently supports Xiao Zhan and helps him dispel many doubts about real life. It is the world closest to him. It is his soil and his nutrients, which continuously and steadily nourishes him and makes him believe that he is still alive.

Now, Xiao Zhan occasionally dreams, and the scenes in his dreams are all the old houses from his childhood. It is an old residential building, and his home is on the fifth floor. Every time he opens the door, his father, mother, and grandmother are all there, and the old house slowly emerges, and he remembers the bedroom, living room, table lamp, and even the kitchen exhaust fan.

Xiao Zhan said that home was like a safe house. Whenever he felt tired or unhappy, he would dream about the old house. Sometimes he felt happy, and sometimes he felt lost when he woke up. But he knew that no matter what happened, he didn't have to worry. As long as he wanted, he could return to the safe house in his dreams.

Dissatisfied

The nutrients absorbed determine what kind of tree a person will grow into. Xiao Zhan once said in the documentary "Wonderful City: Chongqing" that he grew up in Chongqing, and the mountain city nurtured him for more than 20 years. He climbed mountains and crossed obstacles every day, going against the trend. His daily routine was to "climb" every day, so there are some "very stubborn" parts in his character. Growing up in such soil, he had many dissatisfactions and many thoughts of wanting to move forward.

On December 31, 2024, "Portrait" met Xiao Zhan again in a recording studio in Beijing. This was the last day of the year, and the atmosphere of the New Year was everywhere. He did not participate in any New Year's Eve activities, but stayed in a small warm yellow room to record dubbing for subsequent works. When night fell, he had been dubbing for more than 8 hours in a row.

"Do it again", this is the sentence Xiao Zhan said the most, "Do it again", "I'll try again", "Come on, do it again".

There was a nearly two-minute inner monologue, which he dubbed several times. The director thought it was good enough, and Xiao Zhan said, "Do it again." The director was a little surprised and asked, "All of it?" Then Xiao Zhan dubbed the nearly two-minute monologue twice more.

Several directors who have worked with Xiao Zhan all mentioned that "Do it again" is one of the phrases he says most often on the set. Director Jiang Jiajun recalled that during the filming of "Yu Gu Yao", there was an underwater scene where the temperature of the water shed was not high and the actors went in and out of the water many times. The actors quickly became hypothermic and their lips were trembling. However, after each take, Xiao Zhan would come over and ask how the shooting went and whether they needed another take. This was also the part that impressed him the most about Xiao Zhan

Wang Keren also shared the same feeling with People. During the rehearsal of Dream Like a Dream, he often felt that he had passed and performed well, but Xiao Zhan still asked himself to do it again. He concluded that this was Xiao Zhan's "dissatisfaction" with himself.

When filming the TV series "Sunshine by my Side", director Song Xiaofei would receive a call from Xiao Zhan every night before going to bed. He would ask in a crackling voice: "Director, what do you think of tomorrow's scene? This is what I think, do you think it's right? Is this line okay for me to understand it this way?" Song Xiaofei said that among the actors he worked with, Xiao Zhan was very outstanding, and they always maintained close, pleasant, positive and effective communication during work.

He could sense some of Xiao Zhan's anxieties, always worrying that he wasn't doing well enough. Sometimes, he would comfort Xiao Zhan more on the phone, "You're fine, relax tomorrow." There was a drunken scene, and Song Xiaofei felt that it was okay not to drink, but Xiao Zhan insisted on drinking a little. He said it would not be realistic if he didn't drink at all. That day, he took a sip of wine and his face turned red. "He always wants to do it well, he is such an actor."

During the filming, as long as Xiao Zhan was free, he would always sit next to the director, observe other actors, and see how everyone worked. Jiang Jiajun remembered that there was a heavy snow scene in "Yu Gu Yao", Xiao Zhan arrived at the scene early, put a small folding chair in the middle of the artificial snow scene, and sat on it quietly. Jiang Jiajun did not disturb Xiao Zhan, because he knew that Xiao Zhan was brewing emotions.

Song Xiaofei also remembers that on the set, Xiao Zhan always sat very low, for fear of affecting other people's vision. He huddled in a corner, watching other actors perform, and was not stingy with his praise, "They acted really well." Hearing this, Song Xiaofei would offer encouragement, "You acted very well, too."

When filming The Legend of the Condor Heroes: Greatest Hero, Xiao Zhan would sneak into Tsui Hark's small tent, sit quietly beside him, listen to Tsui Hark communicating with the staff, and watch Tsui Hark draw storyboards with a brush. He said, "It's great. I only knew the name Tsui Hark before, but seeing it all with my own eyes makes me feel even more magical."

Dissatisfaction with his performance, his condition, the script and the role made him move forward step by step.

Over the past five years, Xiao Zhan has tried his best to play more different roles, such as soldiers, children of a military compound, and designers. He has also tried different styles of works, such as period dramas, urban dramas, and military themes. This dissatisfaction has allowed him to better understand acting and constantly calibrate his judgment. As long as he continues to act one after another and holds on to each work, he will wait for a better moment.

Recently, he has chosen two more complex roles, Guo Jing and Cang Hai.

After taking on the role of Guo Jing, he would ask everyone he met, "What is your impression of Guo Jing?" Many people would mention that fools have good fortune, but he didn't understand it that way. He remembered Tsui Hark asking him, "Can a fool master the Eighteen Dragon Subduing Palms?" When Xiao Zhan got to know Guo Jing better, he found that Guo Jing was not a fool at all, but just a very serious and pure person.

Interestingly, he remembered that when he first met the director after joining the crew, Tsui Hark asked him and Zhuang Dafei, "Do you know rock musicians? You are the rock musician version of Guo Jing and Huang Rong." Xiao Zhan said that he and Zhuang Dafei looked at each other at the time and were a little confused, but during the filming process, he understood that the so-called rock musicians are the kind of reckless persistence.

For a while, under the guidance of Tsui Hark, he watched boxing videos every day and studied the boxers' eyes during the fight. Gradually, he found the eyes of Xiao Zhan's version of Guo Jing, which were not silly or dull, but "sharp like an eagle" during the fight. He said that after several months of filming, he understood Guo Jing and his world from a more complex perspective.

Xiao Zhan also has a new work "The Legend of Cang Hai", which is a costume drama. The character "Cang Hai" played by him carries a blood feud, hides his identity, and searches for the truth. The character's sense of destiny and complexity are further enhanced.

Such complicated clues gave Xiao Zhan more thoughts and more expressions. Xiao Zhan and director Cao Yiwen are of the same age and have similar personalities. They are both very stubborn and serious. They often discuss a detail from online to offline, and continue to discuss after work. One day, they discussed until three or four in the morning.

Zheng Xiaolong is the chief director of "Legend of the Hidden Sea". He told Xiao Zhan that the most important thing is to enrich the role from the perspective of people and human nature. Xiao Zhan said that Zheng Xiaolong would give him all kinds of ideas, and he could act this way or that way. Zheng Xiaolong told "Portrait" that Xiao Zhan not only put a lot of effort into the lines, but also tried very hard to empathize with the character. He acted out many emotional scenes over and over again. "He completely explored acting in practice."

Xiao Zhan said that when he first entered the industry, he was more of a passive receiver. Directors and senior actors told him how to act, and he just listened and followed them. "I understand, I understand" was what he said most. Starting from The Untamed, he realized that he had changed a little bit, and gradually found a way of expression that belonged to him.

At the post-production dubbing site of "Legend of Zanghai", we also saw such a scene: sometimes when the director puts forward an idea, Xiao Zhan will not explain it immediately, but think about it for a few seconds first. Sometimes it is even as small as whether the breath is closer to the opponent actor or more distant, Xiao Zhan will have his own understanding.

The New Year is coming, and Xiao Zhan's voice is still ringing in the dubbing studio, "Do it again", "Try again". 2025 is Xiao Zhan's ninth year since his debut. He knows that this dissatisfaction and "Do it again" will accompany him for a long time.

Don't look back

On the day we met again five years later, we asked Xiao Zhan to watch the video interview he filmed for People magazine in 2020. At the end of the video, he smiled at the camera and asked, "I look forward to the next five years. What will Xiao Zhan become?"

He said that this was the first time he had watched this video in five years. He never watched his own interviews, and he felt a little embarrassed. But he also frankly expressed his feelings: "At that time, I was very young and fresh. Oh, you can see that my eyes were shining. I really wanted the world to know me. Come and see me."

When he was young, he listened to Stefanie Sun's song "Youth Without Limits", in which the lyrics go "At 25, I learn the movements that adults should have". At that time, he thought that 25 was so far away, and that I should be a very mature adult. He never thought that he would enter the entertainment industry and start a new life at the age of 25. Now he is 33 years old, an age that he "did not dare to think about" when he was a child.

Five years later, what kind of person has Xiao Zhan become?

After entering his thirties, Xiao Zhan clearly felt some subtle changes in his body. During the filming of "Legend of Zanghai", he suffered from a long-lasting illness, with constant inflammation of his tonsils, coughing, fever, and facial swelling, which recurred over and over again.

One morning, he was filming a horse riding scene. He had experienced the Little Red Horse in the production of The Legend of the Condor Heroes, so riding a horse was not a problem. He just felt that the sunlight was a bit dazzling and it was a bit difficult to open his eyes. Unexpectedly, the director Zheng Xiaolong asked him, "Why are you so swollen?" He leaned close to the monitor to watch the playback, and saw himself riding a horse at full speed with two swollen frog-like eyelids.

In 2021, he started to exercise because of filming a military-themed work, and he has maintained the habit of exercising since then. When he played Guo Jing, he began to gain muscle and weight. Guo Jing grew up on the Mongolian grasslands and was a man of the rivers and lakes. He should look rough in appearance. In order to achieve the change in appearance, he did strength training almost every day.

Onlookers can also feel the changes that fitness has brought to Xiao Zhan. Song Xiaofei remembers the first time he saw Xiao Zhan. He had just finished running that day and was jogging up the stairs. His hair was a little sweaty, and his body was steaming with a kind of hormones. He "jumped up". Because he was moved by this scene, Song Xiaofei deliberately changed the script and filmed the scene where the male protagonist Sheng Yang got up early to exercise, got ready as quickly as possible, and rushed to the subway with full energy. "It felt so good to see Xiao Zhan that day, I really want to show it to everyone."

Fitness is also a way to control the body. Of course, the frequent red lights on his body last year also warned him that he was getting old and could no longer stay up all night and be energetic the next day. He had to take better care of his body and solve the problems his body gave him.

In the past, he might have wondered why he got sick. Now, he exercises with a clear goal in mind and adjusts his condition. When he was in his 20s, Xiao Zhan was thinking about finding answers to questions. Now, when he is in his 30s, he is solving specific problems.

So, what is the biggest growth in these five years?

"I have become more stable and also...relatively self-centered." Xiao Zhan told Portrait magazine that he has always felt that freedom and self are neutral words. In the past, he may have cared more about other people's judgments, but now he hopes to listen to his own voice. "Destiny is uncontrollable, but what is controllable is oneself."

The so-called freedom means having the ability to control one's own destiny. Whether fast or slow, leisurely or galloping, it is all up to him. The reins are not in the hands of anyone else, but in Xiao Zhan's hands.

In November 2024, Xiao Zhan released his first music album "We", one of which has a song called "Don't Look Back". The MV of that song is like this: In the dim city ruins, a beam of light hits Xiao Zhan. He passes through the black tunnel, through the lightning, and comes to a winding spiral walkway. The walkway extends all the way to the sky above the city. He keeps running forward, crossing the broken steps, with sand and stones swirling around him. He doesn't look back, nor does he stop.

This scene is very similar to Xiao Zhan’s past five years. He always looks at the road under his feet and keeps striding forward.

When he took over " Patient No. 5 " 5 years ago , he said that he wanted to find an answer. Five years later, we asked him, had he found the answer?

"There is no answer. I have given up looking for the answer. There are not so many whys in life. Just do it and live in the present." Xiao Zhan replied.

Regarding this, Xiao Zhan also mentioned a small matter to "Portrait".

In early summer of 2019, he was filming in the mountains. It was very dark at night and he couldn't see anything. Suddenly, a huge sky lantern rose in the sky. It was the sky lantern used by the crew for lighting. "It was very, very big, like a hot air balloon." It was the first time he saw such a big sky lantern in his life. He also felt a kind of guidance, walking towards the light and not looking back. That day, he took a picture of the sky lantern, added six words, and posted it on the social platform. In the past five years, this moment often reminded him - "Don't look back, forever."

-END

#xiao zhan #OMGGGG SUCH A GREAT READ!!!!!!#i love the part about ADLAD #and vincent the horse #and actually everything!#so insightful!!!!!!

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reazreviewzone · 6 days ago

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novascharms · 12 days ago

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teach please me — tutor!reader x soccer player!rafe

reader's life is meticulously planned, from high school to becoming president of the country—she knows exactly where she's headed and every step to get there. but her airtight plan hits a snag when the principal ropes her into tutoring rafe cameron, the school’s star soccer player, who’s failing algebra and at risk of being benched next season. the team needs him on the field, and reader needs the principal’s glowing recommendation to secure her spot at her dream school. balancing her ambitious goals with rafe’s chaotic charm might just throw her perfectly crafted plan off track.

word count — 2.3 chapter index — prev. chap. — next chap. masterlist

eight

sunday, february 2nd

you've gotten the question 'how do you do it?' a couple of times in your life. you've always been the kind to never stop running, never stop moving, never stop working, just never stop. never even take a break, really. any 'free' time was an opportunity to do something useful or productive.

you're pretty sure you never really 'cracked the code'. the code was kind of built inside of you, weirdly embedded in your brain. you've always been disciplined, you've always known that small, deliberate actions over time were the only way to stay consistent. it does help that you've always had this purpose or reason to do it.

you knew what you wanted, who you wanted to be.

you knew that commiting, sticking to the plan was the only way to get there.

in order to stick to a plan, there had to be a plan.

it makes sense that you wrote out an entire two page document, detailed and in depth with graphs, sources and pictures explaining your complete approach to getting over rafe and putting some much needed space between you two.

you're picking your nails, a habit you'd abandoned years ago after a rather brutal pull that ended with you in tears while your dad disinfected your bleeding thumb.

now here you were again, staring at the dining room table you'd temporarily transformed into a desk for rafe's tutoring session. step one of your plan was distance, of course. you had to block him away emotionally and him wandering around in your room, letting his smell linger, leaving his clothes or his stuff sitting there for days, lying in your bed. it was too close. too personal.

your room was a sanctuary, it was essentially your place of work and your home all at the same time. it had to feel serene and cleansed from distractions like feelings for boys.

the table was set up the same way your desk was: his notebook, pencil and calculator neatly placed on the table. you even placed a bottle of water right there so he didn't need to go wandering into your kitchen for anything. there was no need for him to walk around your house.

you would sit diagonal to him, working on the valentine's day cards which you were super behind on because you spent multiple days being too upset to even look at a heart-shaped-anything.

your dad was also sitting in the living room working on his laptop which somehow made it feel even more impersonal. it was perfect.

the doorbell rang and you froze for a moment. "are you gonna open that..or should i?" your dad called from the living room and you jumped into action. "uh! no, it's rafe. i'm going, sorry." you're rushing to the door and take a deep breath. "just be casual, be normal." you whisper to yourself before opening the door.

don't even think about how good he looks or smells or just how good it feels to even be in his viscinity. don't. don't. don't. shut up. don't.

"hey." he says as you move to the side to let him in. "hi. was the..drive good? any traffic?" what kind of a stupid question was that? this town had less than 50 000 people. there was never that much traffic.

he seems to be confused by the question as well, "no, no..traffic. it's sunday.."

"that is.. good. really good." you stand there with your hands behind your back as he takes his shoes off and when he walks over to you, in front of the stairs, he gives you a look and raises his brows. "are we gonna go up?" he slowly asks and you press your lips together and shake your head. "so, actually. i had this really fun idea that we could just..stay down here." you gesture to the dining room down the hall.

he looks at where you're gesturing before he looks at you again. "you want to stay down here?" he questioned, eyes boring into yours. "mm, i would like to stay down here..it's..i—it doesn't really matter where we sit, right?"

he blinks at you, lips parted. "right," he says softly and you nod and repeat after him before turning and heading into the dining room. he followed and his eyes immediately went to the table set up before glancing at your dad. "hey, y/d/n." he says and your dad greets him back, this big smile on his face that kind of makes you want to shove him. this boy broke his little girl's heart and he was just smiling at him? okay, sure, he doesn't know that it even happened but he should just sense those things. is that too much to ask?

you don't waste any time. the minute rafe sits down, you're getting into the lesson. "alright, last lesson we covered how to solve systems of equations by graphing, substitution and elimination. do you feel like there's one or multiple methods that you struggled with the most when you were doing the exercises?"

he looks at you, seemingly lost for a moment. "before we start, can we just—"

you tense. "maybe during the break. so, any issues?" it seems like he sees the momentary panic in your face because his eyes soften before he nods and exhales, "i..i guess with the graphing, i struggled with the overlapping lines and the parallel ones and for substitution, isolating variables and variables in general is still a shaky one."

you nod and stand right next to him, reading his notes carefully. "you're not gonna sit?" he looks at you. you don't look at him. "i'm okay, so, for the overlapping lines and parallel, what you need to remember is overlapping lines represent infinitely many solutions and parallel lines is the concept of no solution or an inconsistent system. it's kind of confusing but once you can set those apart and remember what they mean, it gets easier." you flip his page then, "and for the variables, i can see that you forgot to solve for the second variable a couple of times. remember that after finding one variable, you have to plug it back in to find the other."

"wait, but i thought when i did this, i was solving for the second variable…?" rafe points at his page, eyebrows furrowed as his pencil drags under a line of equations. "because i brought this one over."

you lean closer, bending over his notebook to see what he’s pointing at. "no," you say, tilting your head toward him. "i explained this last time, but you were too busy trying to braid my hair instead of listening, remember?"

he cracks a lopsided smile, the kind that always threatens to make your knees weak. "just trying to grow my skillset," he murmurs, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye.

you roll your eyes but can’t help the smirk tugging at your lips. "anyway," you say, nudging his pencil aside gently, "what you’re actually doing here is moving the term over to isolate one variable first. see? once that’s done, then you substitute it into the second equation to find the other variable."

you wait for his usual reaction, the quiet "ohhh" that always follows whenever he finally pieces something together. but the silence stretches, and when nothing comes, you turn to him. "you get… it?" the words falter on your lips as your gaze meets his, and the rest of the room seems to fall away.

he’s already staring at you, his eyes steady and unrelenting. they’re warm, piercing, and hold a depth you can’t even begin to describe. you don’t even have time to process how close you are, how his breath brushes faintly against your cheek, or how the faint furrow of his brow softens as he takes you in.

you feel caught, anchored by something invisible yet impossibly strong. your heart hammers so loud in your chest you’re sure he can hear it. the air around you thickens, heavy with unspoken words and unacknowledged tension. it’s as if the world has narrowed to just the two of you, and nothing could pull you out of this moment.

remember the plan. remember the plan. you try to tell yourself but then his eyes flicker down for the briefest second, not enough to seem deliberate, but enough to send your pulse skyrocketing. when they meet yours again, it feels like he’s trying to tell you something without saying a word. it’s overwhelming, consuming, and utterly impossible to look away.

your breath catches, the intensity growing unbearable. you’re drowning in the weight of it—this connection, this magnetism that shouldn’t feel as monumental as it does. and just when you think you might give in, might let yourself fall into whatever this moment is, you tear yourself away.

your eyes drop to the notebook in front of you, your hands fumbling to straighten the page unnecessarily. "so, um… yeah, just try the new exercises i made and i'm here if you need help," you say, your voice a pitch higher than usual, and you can feel your face burning. you bee-line for the kitchen before you actually make the situation worse.

you paced in the kitchen for a couple of minutes before casually walking back into the dining room. you slid into your seat and could feel rafe's eyes on you but you refused to look up. you willed yourself to focus on the notes and hundreds of pink and red enveloppes in front of you.

the entire session went the same way. you worked on your envelopes, and rafe worked on his exercises. you answered his questions when needed, but you never moved from your spot.

near the end of the lesson, your dad's voice carried from the doorway, casual and warm. "rafe, are you eating dinner with us?" it had become a bit of a routine—your sessions almost always wrapped up around dinner time. but tonight, you’d planned for this.

"no, not today," you answered for him.

your dad hesitated, clearly surprised to hear your voice instead of rafe's. his confusion deepened when he glanced at you, taking in your stern expression. after a moment, he nodded sharply, muttering, "got it," before disappearing down the hall toward the kitchen.

"what was that?"

"what was what?"

rafe stood, pushing his chair back with a scrape. for a moment, you thought he might just leave, but instead, he stopped at the doorway, turning back to you. his eyes pinned you in place. "come here," he said firmly, his voice low but unyielding.

you blinked at the demand, your body rooted to the spot. "what—"

his jaw tightened. without repeating himself, he walked straight to you, his movements deliberate, his frustration radiating off him like heat. you thought he’d just grab your wrist and tug you to your feet, but instead, he did something much more dramatic.

"rafe, what are you—"

before you could finish, he bent down, his arms looping around your waist as he hauled you over his shoulder with ease.

"rafe!" you yelped, your voice higher than you’d like as you squirmed against him. "what the hell are you doing?"

he didn’t answer. didn’t even flinch. he just turned and started walking, his steps firm and purposeful as he carried you up the stairs like you weighed nothing. you slapped his back and demanded to be put down, but it was like talking to a brick wall.

he set you down, right on the edge of your bed. you jumped to your feet immediately, but he was already there, standing in front of you, so close you could feel his breath. the proximity was overwhelming, so you sat back down again, instinctively creating space.

"rafe—"

"no. i’ll do the talking now." his tone left no room for argument. he pulled your chair from your desk, dragging it a little too roughly across the floor before sitting down, facing you. you felt the weight of his gaze, the intensity of his stare, and for a split second, you felt small—like a kid about to get scolded by the principal.

"i don’t know what happened last week. i don’t know why you won’t talk to me. i can’t help but assume that you either aren’t ready to talk or just don’t want to talk to me, but i can figure out that i’ve done something to upset you. i can’t force you to open up, but if you don’t… i won’t know what the hell i’m doing. i’ll apologize, because, honestly, i just want this," he waved a hand toward you, your whole being, "to stop."

he leaned forward, his voice steady, firm. "you’re ignoring me at school, you barely answer my texts, and we won’t even talk about how you yelled at me on wednesday because clearly, you don’t want to talk about that either. i’ll never bring any of it up again, if that’s what you need from me. but now? you’re shutting me out completely. we can’t even sit in your room? i can’t stay for dinner, you won’t sit next to me—what the hell is this all supposed to mean?"

his gaze was unwavering. "i want to fix it. i want to make things right. but if you won’t let me, if you refuse to even try, you can’t act like i’m the enemy. you can’t be pissed at me, not tell me why, and then shut me out and act like i'm somehow misunderstanding the situation. that’s not how this works."

his voice was tight, but there was no shouting. just a clear, deliberate force.

"okay." you nod after a moment. "okay?" he repeats and you nod after him. "you're right. i'm not being fair, it's just..i d-don't really—i w-want to—"

he stops you the moment you start to struggle, "don't. don't force yourself to tell me anything if you don't want to. i just don't want to lose this. " he says and your mind immediately flashes to him with adriana before you can even delusionalise yourself into thinking he meant that in a romantic way.

"i know..and our friendship is important to me too. i just.." you start slowly and he's looking at you with these, big, kind, hopeful eyes. "i am a very type-a person—"

"you don't say."

you glare at him, "—and i work well with planning, order, organization. i don't like mess. i don't like things that don't go my way. now, please, do not take this the bad way because i promise, i don't want you gone, you aren't a burden," you beg quietly and he nods reluctantly, "but..this..situation we've found ourselves in has significantly.." you pause and search for the right word, "upset my balance and i think that the bonfire was a bit much. that is all. i j-just..got my period that day and i've been doing all this stuff that i usually don't do like not following my schedule by the letter so i needed to let it all sink in a bit and i process things in a very specific way which makes me lose sight of other people's feelings sometimes but i'll try to stop. i promise." you say and rafe raises his brows, "yeah?" he asks and you nod, faint smile on your lips when he grins because it's impossible to not smile with a grin as contagious as his.

safe to say you didn't stick to the plan.

chapter index — prev. chap. — next chap. taglist — @rafeysworldim19 @my-name-is-baby @pogueprincesa let me know if you'd like to be added to the taglist & interact with post to remain tagged <3

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ismyevilregal · 5 days ago

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Tethered Shadows

Warnings: I have no idea what I'm doing.

Chapter One: Quiet Collisions

The insistent buzzing of my alarm dragged me from a dream where I was flying—weightless and free—over a city bathed in an ethereal, otherworldly light. Disappointment, sharp and sudden, pierced through the grogginess. 7:00 AM. Another day, another grind. I slapped the snooze button, the insistent buzzing replaced by a gentler hum.

Five minutes later, the alarm shrieked again, more insistent this time. I groaned, burying my face in the pillow. The scent of stale coffee and something vaguely metallic—the lingering odor of last night's takeout—assaulted my nostrils. Finally, I surrendered, throwing back the covers and swinging my legs over the side of the bed. The floor was a cold, unforgiving slab against my bare feet.

Morning light filtered through the blinds, painting thin stripes across the room. It wasn’t much—just a small studio apartment I’d been calling home for the past year—but it was mine. A safe little corner of the world. But at this particular moment, this studio apartment, once a source of pride and independence, now felt more like a prison cell. The peeling paint on the walls, the perpetually flickering fluorescent light above the kitchenette, the constant drone of traffic from the street below—it all seemed to conspire to dampen my spirits.

First, I stumbled toward the bathroom, the world a blurry kaleidoscope of colors. The mirror reflected a stranger—eyes bloodshot, hair a tangled mess, a faint shadow of a beard clinging to my jaw. I splashed cold water on my face, the shock momentarily invigorating.

Then I shuffled to the kitchen, bare feet padding against the cool floor. The coffee maker, a relic from a previous roommate, whirred to life as I poured water into the machine, the comforting hum filling the quiet. Something about the morning ritual was soothing, grounding me before the day's chaos. While waiting for the coffee to brew, I leaned against the counter, scrolling absentmindedly through my phone. A few unread messages from classmates about an upcoming group project. I made a mental note to respond later.

By 8:15, I was out the door, backpack slung over my shoulder and earbuds in, a playlist of lo-fi beats helping me navigate the crowded sidewalks. College was only a short bus ride away, and I used the time to skim over my notes for class. Balancing work, school, and what little social life I had was a juggling act, but I’d managed to make it work so far. Mostly.

My first lecture of the day was lively—a class on film theory that hooked me from the moment I walked in. The professor, an eccentric older woman with a penchant for dramatic hand gestures, paced the room as she deconstructed scenes from classic films. Today’s focus was on Hitchcock’s use of tension, and I found myself scribbling furiously in my notebook as she dissected a pivotal scene from Psycho. It was one of those rare moments where learning felt less like work and more like inspiration.

The grand entrance hall, usually filled with the hushed whispers of tourists, was eerily silent. The air was thick with anticipation, a palpable tension hanging in the air. I spotted Greg near the entrance, his face pale and drawn.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

Greg chuckled nervously. "Try surviving Professor Sharma's lectures. It's enough to make a grown man question his life choices."

After class, I grabbed a quick coffee and headed to my part-time job at the campus library. The familiar scent of old books greeted me as I walked in, and the quiet atmosphere was a stark contrast to the bustling campus outside. My shift was predictable: shelving books, assisting students who couldn’t figure out the catalog system, and occasionally sneaking a peek at my own assignments during the slower moments. I spent part of the afternoon helping a fellow film student locate obscure texts on 1970s cinematography, exchanging quick opinions about the underrated brilliance of The French Connection before returning to my duties.

It wasn’t glamorous, but I liked it. The library felt like a sanctuary, a place where time slowed down and the rest of the world melted away. Occasionally, I’d catch glimpses of students huddled over laptops, editing films for their projects, and it reminded me of why I loved what I did. Cinema wasn’t just a major—it was a lens through which I saw the world.

By the time my shift ended, the sun was beginning to dip lower in the sky, painting the horizon in shades of orange and pink. I grabbed a quick bite at the cafeteria—a less-than-impressive turkey sandwich—before heading back to my apartment. The bus ride was quiet, the city lights flickering outside the window as I leaned my head against the cool glass. My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I fished it out to see a text from Tara.

Tara: Hey, can you meet me at the diner around 6? I have someone I want you to meet.

Y/N: Someone?

Tara: Just trust me. You’ll like her.

Y/N: …Should I be worried?

Tara: Nope. Promise.

I stared at the screen for a moment, debating. Tara’s matchmaking efforts weren’t exactly a secret, but she’d never been this cryptic about it before. Still, I trusted her. If she thought it was worth my time, it probably was. Plus, it was a good reason to go out and relax a bit after a long day.

Y/N: Fine. I’ll be there.

The remainder of my evening before the meeting passed in a blur of small tasks: drafting ideas for a screenplay assignment, organizing my cluttered desk, and watching clips from a documentary on the rise of independent cinema in the 90s. By the time 5:30 rolled around, I was shrugging into a hoodie and heading back out the door, the crisp evening air waking me up a little more with each step.

The diner buzzed with a low hum of conversation, punctuated by the occasional clink of cutlery against ceramic plates. I wasn’t sure why Tara insisted on meeting here, but then again, Tara always had a way of picking the most unassuming places for moments she swore were important. The chipped laminate table beneath my fingertips felt oddly grounding, even as a sliver of unease twisted in my chest.

“She’ll be here soon,” Tara said, glancing at her phone. Her tone was casual, but her eyes gave her away. There was an eagerness, a spark that told me this was more than just another introduction. “She’s just…” Tara hesitated, searching for the right word. “She’s not great with people. Don’t take it personally.”

“Noted,” I replied with a small smile, though I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel. Curiosity? Anxiety? The mixture of both left my coffee cooling in its mug, untouched.

The bell above the door jingled, and Tara’s head snapped up. I followed her gaze, and that’s when I saw her. Sam Carpenter wasn’t what I expected, though I couldn’t have said what I had been expecting. I turned my head quickly to glare at Tara for a moment, but it didn't last long before my attention was back on her bigger sister again. Her presence was immediate, sharp-edged, and deliberate like she carried the weight of her own gravity. Dark hair framed a face that might have been soft once, but the years had hardened it into something unreadable. Her eyes were the kind that didn’t just look at you but through you, as if she were cataloging every detail.

She paused just inside the doorway, scanning the room with a wariness that felt almost instinctual. When her gaze landed on Tara, some of the tension eased, but only just. Sam crossed the diner in a few strides, her boots scuffing against the tiled floor.

“Hey,” Sam said, her voice low and even, almost flat. She slid into the booth beside Tara, her movements economical, like she’d planned each one. For a moment, she didn’t even look at me, her attention fixed on her sister.

“Sam,” Tara said, her tone light and encouraging. “This is my friend, Y/N. The one I told you about.”

At last, Sam turned her head toward me, and I felt the full weight of her gaze. It wasn’t hostile, exactly, but it wasn’t welcoming either. It was searching, measuring. The kind of look that made me want to shift in my seat but refuse to out of sheer principle.

“Hi,” I said, offering a small, non-threatening smile. “It’s nice to meet you.”

She didn’t respond right away. Instead, her eyes flicked to Tara, then back to me. I guess she was just as confused as I was. “You too,” she said finally, though it sounded more like a formality than anything genuine.

The silence that followed felt heavier than it should have. Tara, ever the fixer, jumped in to fill the void. “Sam just got back in town,” she said, her voice a little too bright. “It’s been… a lot, but she’s settling in. Right, Sam?”

Sam’s jaw tightened slightly, but she nodded. “Something like that.”

I didn’t miss the way her shoulders stiffened at the words. Whatever she’d come back from, it wasn’t something she was ready to talk about. The walls around her were practically visible, brick and mortar and steel, built to keep anyone from seeing too much. But it wasn’t my place to pry, not when I’d just met the woman.

“Well,” Tara said, leaning forward, “the two of you have a lot in common. I think you’ll get along great.”

Sam’s eyebrow arched slightly, as if she didn’t quite believe her sister. “Is that so?”

“Definitely,” Tara said, undeterred. “Just give it a chance.”

Sam’s gaze shifted back to me, and for a moment, there was something almost challenging in her eyes. “Guess we’ll see.”

It was then I realized just how much smaller I was next to her. Tara often joked about my height when she was feeling particularly mischievous, but we both knew we stood eye-to-eye. Sam, however, was a solid presence—a towering figure that only added to her intensity. The size difference was almost laughable, but I wasn’t about to let it shake me.

I wasn’t sure what Tara was trying to accomplish here, but one thing was clear: Sam Carpenter would be a puzzle. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to solve her or if she was better left a mystery. But before I could settle too much into my thoughts, Tara cleared her throat, bringing my focus back to the moment.

"So," she started, a little too enthusiastically, "what do you two think of… Hitchcock?"

The question felt forced, like Tara was trying to find the safest possible common ground to get the conversation rolling. My lips twitched into a smile, appreciating the effort, but I wasn't sure it would land.

"Hitchcock?" Sam asked, her tone flat. Her arms crossed as she leaned back against the booth. "Never really saw the appeal."

I blinked, momentarily thrown. Not because I couldn’t understand the opinion—plenty of people thought his style was overrated—but because the way she said it felt almost deliberately provocative, like she was daring me to disagree.

Tara winced. "Sam…"

"No, it’s fine," I said quickly, leaning forward. I could feel that challenge in her gaze again, and something in me itched to meet it. "I get it. Not everyone likes the classics. What’s your style, then?"

Sam’s brow furrowed, as if she hadn’t expected me to push back so easily. For a moment, she didn’t answer, her fingers idly tracing the edge of the table. When she finally spoke, her voice was quieter, less sharp. "I guess… I like stories that feel real. Messy. People making mistakes, doing stupid things… stuff that actually matters."

Her words hung in the air, heavier than I anticipated. Tara shifted uncomfortably in her seat, and I wondered just how much of that statement was tied to Sam’s personal history.

"That’s fair," I said softly, not wanting to press too hard. "Sometimes the most compelling stories are the ones where you don’t know how they’ll end."

Sam’s gaze flicked to me again, and this time, there was a flicker of something in her expression. Not quite warmth, but maybe a hint of curiosity. "Yeah. Exactly."

Tara exhaled dramatically, breaking the tension. "Okay, great. We’re talking. Progress!"

I laughed, shaking my head at her antics. "Subtle, Tara. Real subtle."

"I try," she said with a wink. "Anyway, I’m gonna grab some pie. You two want anything?"

I shook my head, and Sam muttered a quiet "No," as Tara slid out of the booth and made her way to the counter. The silence she left behind felt different now, less heavy and more… expectant.

"So," I said after a moment, "what’s your story?"

Sam’s eyes narrowed slightly, as if she were deciding whether or not to answer. "Not much to tell."

I raised an eyebrow. "Everyone’s got a story."

She huffed a quiet laugh, though there wasn’t much humor in it. "Trust me, mine’s not the kind you’d want to hear."

For a second, I considered dropping it, letting her keep her walls intact. But something about her intrigued me and made me want to dig a little deeper. "Maybe. But how would I know unless you tell me?"

Sam studied me, her expression unreadable. Finally, she shrugged, leaning back in her seat. "I guess I’ll have to keep you guessing."

It wasn’t much, but it felt like a small victory. A crack in the armor.

For a moment, the conversation settled into a quiet lull, the din of the diner filling the space between me and Sam. I tapped my fingers lightly against the table, debating whether to push further or let the moment breathe.

"You always this mysterious, or is it just part of the charm?" I asked, a teasing edge creeping into my voice.

Sam exhaled a short chuckle, her fingers tracing the rim of her coffee cup. "I think it’s more of a defense mechanism than anything else."

I nodded, sensing the weight behind her words, but before I could respond, she glanced at me with something close to curiosity. "What about you?"

I tilted my head. "What about me?"

"You don’t seem like someone who gives up easily," she noted. "Why bother trying to figure me out?"

There was something almost challenging in her tone, like she was testing me. Maybe even daring me to step back. But instead, I met her gaze and shrugged.

"Guess I like a good puzzle."

Before she could reply, Tara reappeared, carefully setting the plate of pie between us both. "Mission accomplished," she declared, sliding back into her seat with a satisfied grin. "And I even got extra whipped cream."

She shot a look between the two of us, picking up on the shift in atmosphere. "Did I miss something?"

Sam reached for her fork, her expression once again guarded but softer than before. "Nothing important," she said, but the way her gaze flickered to me told a different story.

Tara arched a brow, clearly not convinced but choosing not to push. "Alright, well, I’m eating before either of you try and steal a bite."

I laughed, reaching for my own fork. "No promises."

As the three of us settled in, the conversation drifted into something lighter, but the undercurrent of that moment with Sam lingered—unspoken but present, like a secret waiting to be unraveled.

------

The next morning unfolded in slow motion, sunlight creeping in through the blinds like it had all the time in the world. But something was different. I felt lighter, more awake than I had any right to be. Maybe it was the residual warmth of last night—the easy conversation, the feeling that I had nudged a door open just a little.

A buzz from my phone pulled me from my thoughts. For a brief second, my pulse skipped—Sam? But no. Tara.

Tara: Morning! You survived my sister’s brooding. Congrats. Wanna grab coffee?

A grin tugged at my lips. Even through text, Tara’s energy was infectious.

Me: Morning. I’ll take that as a badge of honor. Where and when?

Her reply was quick—café, mid-morning. Just like that, the day had direction.

As I got ready, I caught my reflection in the mirror, my gaze lingering longer than usual. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was just another day. But for the first time in a while, something about it felt... new. Like the start of something. And I wasn’t sure if that excited or terrified me more.

The café was quiet, the air thick with the scent of fresh coffee and the low hum of early risers buried in their screens. I stepped inside, the soft chime of the door marking my arrival. I ordered a coffee to go, restless energy thrumming beneath my skin. My mind kept circling back to last night—Sam, the weight of her silence, the push and pull I couldn’t quite decipher.

Lost in thought, I barely noticed Tara until she breezed in, her presence a sharp contrast to my uncertainty.

"Hey, look who actually showed up!" she called, grinning as she made her way over.

I laughed, the tightness in my chest easing. "Wouldn’t miss it."

Tara pulled me into one of her signature hugs—warm, slightly suffocating, but somehow exactly what I needed.

"You ready for coffee? Or are you still in the ‘don’t talk to me yet’ phase?" she teased, eyes gleaming.

I exhaled, the tension unraveling bit by bit. "I think I’m awake now."

We settled into a table by the window, the city stretching beyond the glass, bathed in the soft glow of morning light. Tara had that effect—making even the most mundane moments feel like something worth being present for.

"So," she started, casual, but sharp. "How’s it feel surviving the Sam experience?"

I took a sip of my coffee, choosing my words carefully. "It’s... different. She’s complicated."

Tara smirked. "You don’t say. You’ve figured that out already? Impressive."

I hesitated before admitting, "I’m just trying to figure out where I stand with her. She’s got this wall up, but it doesn’t feel like she wants it there. I can’t tell if she’s just playing it cool or if she really doesn’t care."

Tara leaned back, tapping her fingers against her cup. "Sam doesn’t do anything unless it matters. She doesn’t waste her time. If she’s acknowledging you, that’s something." A flicker of something softer passed over her face. "She’s been through a lot. Letting people in isn’t easy for her. But if she’s letting you orbit, even a little? That’s progress."

I nodded, mulling over her words. "I just don’t know what she wants from me."

Tara’s grin widened. "Maybe she doesn’t know either. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to find out. Just... don’t let her push you away. She’s good at that."

The words settled deep. Sam was a puzzle I wasn’t sure I should be solving—but the curiosity wouldn’t let go.

"Thanks for the advice," I said, half-smiling. "Guess we’ll see where this goes."

Tara raised her cup in a mock toast. "That’s the fun part. The not knowing."

I sat there, watching the world move outside, feeling the quiet shift in the air. Sam, Tara, all of this—it was unfolding in ways I hadn’t expected. And maybe, just maybe, that was the point.

Tara, ever perceptive, tilted her head, a sly glint in her eyes. "You should text her."

I blinked. "What? Now?"

"Why not? What’s the worst that could happen?"

A lot, I wanted to say. But I didn’t.

Instead, I unlocked my phone, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. Tara leaned in, smirking. "Be honest. Keep it simple. Something like, ‘Hey, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday. It was cool talking to you.’"

I huffed a quiet laugh, shaking my head. But she wasn’t wrong.

Hey, I was thinking about our conversation yesterday. It was cool talking to you.

Before I could second-guess it, I hit send.

Tara watched me, satisfaction written all over her face. "There. Easy, right?"

I let out a slow breath. "Not sure if easy is the word, but... it’s done."

She lifted her cup in a knowing gesture. "Now, we wait."

And so I did. Through the rest of our conversation, through the rest of the morning, through every casual check of my phone, heartbeat spiking each time it buzzed. But it was never her.

By the time I got home, the weight of the day had settled in my bones. I tossed my bag onto the couch, my phone still in my pocket, untouched. I told myself not to check it. Not to let it matter so much.

I busied myself with the little things—sorting through the scattered notes on my desk, flipping through a book I had no real intention of reading, absentmindedly scrolling through social media before locking my phone again. The air in my apartment felt heavier somehow, like I was waiting for something I refused to admit.

Eventually, I sprawled out on the couch, arm draped over my face, willing my mind to focus on anything else. It wasn’t working.

And then—

My phone buzzed.

I sat up too quickly, pulse hammering as I fumbled to grab it, screen lighting up in the dim room.

Sam: You too.

Just two words. But they unraveled something tight in my chest.

I stared at the message, reading it once, twice, three times, as if deciphering some hidden meaning within it. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

And something was more than nothing. When it comes from Sam, as I'm learning, something is actually a lot.

A slow smile crept onto my face as I leaned back against the couch, exhaling a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

#sam carpenter x reader #sam carpenter #melissa barrera #tara carpenter #samantha carpenter x reader #fem reader

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