kaspermakowski-blog

[kaspermakowski-blog]

Transformation Commitment

January 27th, 2017

So after keeping a journal for some time, for the purpose of keeping track of my start overs, my thoughts and my off of destructive habit day counts, I’ve concluded that it would be nice to have my desires and intent distributed into space and time. I’ve never blogged before and I’m not even sure if I’m doing this right and if the content is actually going to be posted somewhere for someone to read, but I do know that I’m about to embark on a journey and its going to be fucking interesting not only for me, but for anybody that also likes to ponder as I do and is a soul searcher and a believer of magic.  

After recent events of developing anxiety and then later becoming an unfaithful father who later became so lucky to have a relationship with his baby mama and his mistress knowing the pleasure of having two girlfriends and a son under the same roof, then one and then none, I’ve realized that I have a lot of internal work to do.

The aforementioned mistress Meagan had provided me with a lot of joy but also a lot of sadness and frustration. She wasn't happy in the 2 girl relationship so I chose her, she did make me very happy and the intimate life was amazing. However she developed distrust probably due to me choosing her instead of the mother of my child. I did maintain a positive relationship with the mother of my son Kaleb and spent nights at the hospital/ hotel and at Jessica’s house (mom), fighting through Kalebs developmental disorder called biliary atresia. To make a long story short Jessica and I....  we’re still cool, cooler than most x couples and this threatened Meagan, strained our relationship and turned me into an asshole or kept me one... it was a battle I could never win.

So we broke up... well kinda. We still saw each other talked to each other on the phone  every day and were exclusive to each other, apparently I wasn’t even able to have single female friends. So as you can see... still a dysfunctional relationship. But I’d take anything, I guess my confidence needed work.  So this went on for some time, I leaned on my addictions to tobacco, weed, porn and daily gratification to get me through the days. My self love was hindered, my confidence lacking in the bedroom, developing fear of the next encounter with her and my social life was lacking.

I ended up trying to take control of my insecurities by getting healthy mentally, and physically. I stay away from conventional meat and dairy... most of the time and I’m 60 days pot and tobacco free.This provided me with a flawless digestive system (which I was having problems with) lungs to breath with, a stronger immune system and some confidence but small victories.....

Some of my not so proud accomplishments... porn again, after day 50 and long sad attempt of connection with my one and only I made myself feel better, ... I did not feel better. But I think I’ve severed the link between me and Meagan for the last time.So hence the time to start fresh? (Meagan always said that I was addicted to starting over....) I have not started to meditate which I really want to, but I always come up with an excuse why its a waste of time...my mind is so funny. But then. I also always find a way to waste my time (shows, social media and what not). My interaction with people sucks too... I judge, I seem to have the right answers where I really I cant even get a grip on my own shit, and I seemed to always argue even when I don’t want to. Finally, I’m swimming debt, I work seasonally and have no stability, my house needs to be renovated and at least cleaned.  

So I know I’m capable of awesome momentum because I had some prior to my relapse, So I’m making a commitment to myself and the world to pick some rituals. There’s this motivation speaker by the name of Tony Robbins, the guy really speaks to me and I know what to aim for, I need structure, I need focus i need to start now and be comftorable with being uncomfortable. I’ve developed some areas of improvement on paper that describes my ultimate vision and purpose in various category’s such as health, love, family and fiances. I plan to focus on the category’s as I progress on this journey. So this is my 90 day commitment.  Which mostly includes controlling undeserved instant gratification, a global epidemic.

1. Monk Mode No Fap.... look it up. But it means no mindless watching of porn (this is the big one), but also movies, shows, trolling the facebook, dating sites but also controlling personal sexual thoughts. This also means no masturbating, touching or stimuli of any kind.  No more gratification to artificial and imagined stimuli. Real relationships are ok, providing their fulfilling and  based on love and affection.

2. Daily Stretch Morning and night, I never liked it but I know that flexibility helps in life period, it makes you well... flexible to what life throws your way and connects your mind to your body. We as people are always in our head and never in our bodies stretching provides a link and its one way to simply take care of yourself.

3. Daily Meditation/ Mindful Gratitude So this is a hard one for me but I’m going to develop a daily practice, there’s lots out there on way I should, or why everyone should so I won’t tell you all my reasons. But the main one, I want to be content, I want to know the world I live in, I want to control my thoughts and not have them control me. I don’t want to worry about things that do not matter. I want to live an authentic life and connect with the world and with the people in it. I want to appreciate what I have, what I experienced and what is to come. Because I am one fucking privileged individual.

4. Daily Exercise Another one that does not need to be explained but. Training for life, to feel good, to be confident, to be strong. To take care of myself. To give purpose to this young body so it doesn't wither away to nothing. To improve all the processes that are inside me.

5. Daily study. languages, reading and development I never have time for the things I would actually want to do with my spare time so I need to incorporate improvement in my daily activities or I’ll never improve. I speak Polish but not good enough to speak freely and confidently with my family member is Poland so I want to improve. Also, ever since I had the time of my life with Meagan in Cuba I’ve been dead set to learn Spanish, so I’m going to learn Spanish! I also have a lot of growing to do in how i communicate and think and plan so developing those through reading and study is also important to me.

6. Working to complete Renovations. My house is my ticket out of the secluded little town of Wawa. I’ve loved nature but I also really need a life and I will never get what I want here. So the fact that I’m in debt but own a house gives me an edge... the market here sucks, all houses sell for less than 100k if that gives you an idea and also I bought my fix me up er for 24600 so less than most people spend on a car. But if I’m to get out of this hole I need to rent or sell my house, and fixing it up will get me there.

7. Developing Time Management and my Personal Legend. I need to develop focus and discipline and I’m starting now. I know my mind tells me what I feel like doing, well I need to tell my mind what to do. This is key, my actions or no action is all determined by what I’m thinking and how juiced or excited I am about something. The more I do it, the more momentum it will acquire. Go to bed a decent time, wake up early and enact my rituals. I must be successful and continuously strive to better my life situation. This means I must actively be looking for opportunities, improving my resume and networking.

8. Exclusion of unhealthy substances entering my body. I’ve had a problem with smoking, toking, drinking  and generally eating like shit. NO More of that! I’m going to be mindful of what I allow into my body, because I’m the master of that and that is an important position that I will not take lightly anymore.  I will plan my meals so that their nutritious and delicious with lots of the good things I need to power me through my day. Thats not to say I’ll never have a glass of wine or smoke a joint in good taste in a comftorable social environment it just I can’t right now I need to gain control first. As for the smoking tobacco, its safe to say I’ll never touch the stuff again because I’m a fiend to it and I know that so goodbye forever or kill me slowly forever... I prefer the goodbye.

9. Keeping a clean environment/ being Mindful. I’ve been living in filth and its depressing. If I want to feel better I need to keep the house, my car and my mind clear of clutter. I need to be aware of the clutter of my mind and ensure that I’m grateful and mindful of the moment I have and of what I’m thinking and feeling in that present moment, being alive is an active activity and it can pass you by if your not paying attention to it.

10. Fast for 21 days This will be the door way into my new life, I would have had my body and mind prepared to take this on and after the fast I will begin the new chapter of my life with past mistakes a thing of the past. My rituals will be well established and I will really get some clarity to the road that lays before me. THis is going to happen in April, the month of my sons birthday and the end of my first 90 days. I will have a whole other blog keeping track of this I think but we will see if I can figure this blogging stuff out first. So there you have it. I just watched my last porn clip, almost bought a joint to send me off, but I’m still doing great there so I decided against it.

Conclusion

I feel shitty now and that’s a good indication that I need to get on my path, as soon as I post this its on, and I’m not stopping for no one. If your reading this wish me luck and hopefully it might inspire you to get off your ass and get your shit together, but really all this is, is mostly a prayer to solidify my intent. I burning my boats and taking this fucking island and when I get discouraged I’ll remember that a bucket fills drop by drop. I’ll keep everyone posted.  

Kasper over and out