#force me to take back care of myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

judas-isariot · 9 months ago

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"But you looked happy"

Being happy doesn't mean I loved myself.

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windingpathways · 2 years ago

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since I got sick I've been feeling weird about being Witnessed bc I feel like I look so different... but I'm trying to get over that, so here's a couple hot-mess barefaced pics of the self indulgent yarrow crown I made today in the work truck between properties

#me #my face #ivy.jpg #im coming back yall!!! im not dead!!! i swear!!!!!#i just have been as busy as ive ever been in my life and exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling like i look gross post illness #these are the first selfies ive taken in so long #it doesnt help that ive been wildly unkempt due to taking more care of thr plants than myself #but im forcing myself to post them anyway lmao i gotta get over myself

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svtskneecaps · 8 months ago

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friends and fiends if this truly spells the Over for the qsmp i may let the brainworms that have been festering in me for MONTHS--A YEAR, EVEN--win.

i may summarize the goddamn fucking lore.

#i CANNOT make an 8 hour summary i CAN'T i SHOULD NOT that is SO MUCH CONTENT #and i still only speak like 2/4 qsmp languages MAYBE 2.5/4 if we're REALLY stretching it #but GODDAMNIT I'M DOING SOME CURSORY RESEARCH ANYWAY BC I WANNA WRITE THAT FUCKING TIME LOOP #qsmp #maybe just the fed lore. haha. eye twitches. maybe just the iverall server lore. maybe i'll even bother caring about the qsmp livestreams.#haha. eye twitch. fucking. eye twitch.#solo lore is B E Y O N D me but MAYBE shit that affected Most or All lore i could do #like code lore and shit. obv it knots in with other lore but FUCK IT WHATEVER #AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i'm not even gonna worry about it #yknow what. not even gonna worry about it. i gotta do the research first 🤪 whatever bro #if the research gets done i'll think about alllllllllllll the rest of this but this is a YEAR OF CONTENT #mother FUCKER dude it's not possible there's no way #this is a year with like 80 hours of streams per DAYYY at peak who could do this #who could. no wonder no one could keep up. no wonder i had to LIVE in the tag to keep up #good lord GOD i shouldn't do this. i'm not committing. god i want to though. god i shouldn't.#shut up vic #block game brainrot #HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA #WHATEVER HAHAHAHA WHATEVER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA #i will beat this storyline into SUBMISSION i will beat it to DEATH i will FORCE IT TO MAKE SENSE #I WILL PRUNE IT LIKE THE WORLDS WORST BONSAI I SWEAR TO GOD #i'm unhinged i can't i have so wanted to do this but i swore to myself i wouldn't #bc i know i'll go insane and i know it will take FUCKING YEARS and there is no fucking way i'll see it to the end #but goddddddddddddddd i want to i SO FUCKING WANT TO #listen. if there's no more lore. i may summarize the fucking lore. someone will beat me to it 100% bc i take fucking a million years #but people are suckers for long video essays and summaries IT'S ME I'M PEOPLE #anyway if you got this far and have the screenshot of mariana messaging slime to tell him their daughter is dead please send it #i can't find it via google and i don't have twitter and i know it was posted there at some point :(#i want it :( i want to throw it back in slime's face in the time loop because repetition is fun and heartbreaking >:D

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itsalwaysdark · 2 months ago

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i recently brought that story up to my mom and told her how much it ruined my life and she completely forgot she had told me and she was just like lol ... sorry

#the earrings one . SHE WAS SO DETAILED WHEN SHE TOLD ME TOO AND IT WAS LIKE JUST B4 I WENT TO GET MY EARS PIERCED FOR THE FIRST TIME .#im not actually mad its quite funny but also omg sometimes i think abtit and i like fullbody shudder and im glad i dont wear earrings #anymore... even tho i have been wanting to get repierced #ive made a rule that im not allowed to get piercings again until i 1. move out and 2. start being better at taking care of my self #when i had my piercings i was preeeetty good at taking care of them despite everything but still yk. one of my ear piercings is kind of a #mess bc i. well this is kind of narsty so tw for potentially kind of painful story #but like i tried to force an earring into it one time and Well now i have like. the original piercing and then a little branch path LOL.#its more healed now it used to be like. a noticeable lump in my ear for a while #noticeable if u touched it #but ya. idk if its fixable or not Oh well #i dont think i rly am a jewelry guy anyways rly it usually scares me sensory wise #but i kknd of miss having piercings especially my septum ....#im pretty sure i got my septum pierced b4 i got my nose pierced. idr tho #i was craaaazy back then. If u remember my septum piercing story you understand if you dont ughhh im sick of typing . pay more attention in #connorclass (joke)#or just wait until the next time i talk abt my septum i repeat myself all the time

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shilohtx · 4 months ago

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i know I must be pretty normal cause my last two and most significant long running relationships ended with one of us in the mental hospital + one of us in jail. respectively

#if the tables had been turned i would blame karma but i was the one who got screwed over first. also in my defense i had talked myself out #of killing myself but my ex didnt care and they forced me into the psych ward so they wouldnt have to deal with me #and not to seem so victimized but i didnt even call the cops on the second instance. i didnt even press charges. i didnt want anything to do #with any of it #i couldnt love my ex after they did what they did cause the psych ward and the hospitla were traumatizing for me it was a horrifying #dehumanizing experience and they didnt really care. and i wish things had gone the other way around because i love x so much and both times #i landed him in jail i didnt press charges and id never want to it wouldnt do anyone any good and it wouldnt teach him any lesson and like..#where is the line with me?#i left him but i do still love him. i dont think i could survive being with him and i do feel optimistic about my future sometimes without #him cause wow that was...heavy. but i dont understand....he really made me feel like shit once and i deliberately overdosed and he took me #to uc and he actually stood next to me and talked them out of taking me back to the psych ward because i freaked out so bad and he always #listened when i would tell him about how horrible it was.#and when he did that i thought it was a sign of how things were going to be different this time around. because he wouldnt do that to me.#well i guess i did it to him

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lawrence-songs · 6 months ago

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An anon, meaning well: how does interacting with bendykins feel?

Me, attempting to restrain myself to the best of my ability: ahem. I mean. It's wonderful.

#Frankly even hearing the name mentioned is like having something take over #There is a feral animal in my head and it wakes when the demon is mentioned.#I so often made fun of myself in source for monologuing but now I get it.#It is such a feeling.#I'm going to rant in the tags because I can't bring myself to make this a real post. But it's like seeing a part of myself.#Like the essence of something deep in my bones.#I have to respectfully take myself back several notches around bendykins because I know that more likely than not #They are not *my* demon. And what I remember and the level of comfort and the understanding that we had does not exist here. And that is.#Both deeply comforting and deeply and truly upsetting. It is wonderful that he exists in this world in so many beings. And it is devastatin #That he does not know me. I was so loyal for so long and he doesn't remember me. There is not one I am able to speak to that feels really #And truly like what was once the experience i had because it was so personal. And the few bendykin I know are still far from that level of #What i suppose you'd consider a very close friendship. I knew he cared about me then. I cannot force it on those who are him now.#And I'd never want to.#But the heartache is still there. Of all that time spent for only myself to hold the remembrance of it in my chest.#I don't even remember most of it. Only the feeling it gave me.#And how much I miss that.#sam talks #Sammy Lawrence #Batim #Batim kin #Samuel's vents.

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vogelmeister · 9 months ago

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been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently

#i love them but im gonna explain #i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did #but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes #i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now #in healthcare no less #but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad #im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts #like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no #and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face #even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said:#i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too #bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall #bc i feel we don’t do this any more #i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go #i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her #bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort #my other situation is my childhood best friend #i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me.#it comes from a place of knowing me for so long #and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins #but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis #even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins #bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st #like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup #even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back #bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me #and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it #but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back #i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag #idk its a lot. thank u for listening

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mutalune · 7 months ago

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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery

#starlight personal #it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in #my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires #like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful #and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these #I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now #SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME #I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do #if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning #the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH #WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT #AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE #basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics #I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out #2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation #time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh #that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral #to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first #see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP #SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG

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reinemichele · 1 year ago

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I swear I'm trying to type out the thing about my brain but I'm really not sure how much detail I feel comfortable going into... I used to be so open on here, but then uh, I had several big falling outs with friends and a couple of them started stalking me, so I left my blog on queue since 2014 and then stopped posting from 2016 to 2020. The only place I felt comfortable making posts relating to my personal life or mildly dissenting fandom-related posts was on a locked twt account with only 20-40 people on it.

Anyway, I'm Trying

#erin talks #text #I Think those people have moved on but honestly at this point I don't care as much #all of them have my address so if they were going to send me a bomb it would've happened years ago (they don't live in this country #so that takes part of the worry out of the equation) and I've started taking medication so I don't think I'd Completely fall apart if they #showed up in my notifs now compared to back then #so it's more a matter of forcing myself out of my comfort zone & reminding myself that unless I act like a complete asshole #with 0 regard for others then there's a very low chance there will be extreme negative reactions to my silly little posts #(but if you've ever wondered why I seem so hesitant to be completely honest about negative opinions or I put disclaimers on a lot of posts #it's not bc of like the whole 'twt is the only place where well articulated sentences get misconstrued. 'I like pancakes' 'so you hate #waffles?' no that's an entirely new sentence' thing . I feel bad that most ppl have this problem with the internet at large #since 2014 wrt rocking the boat the slightest bit but mine is from . teenagers who had similar issues that I did/do and didn't set out to #be 'evil' . I don't forgive them but they're not unforgivable ppl . you know?)

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autistic-shaiapouf · 11 months ago

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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

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foxcassius · 1 year ago

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"do you want to take a picture?" no "did you get any pictures?" no "aren't you sad you didn't get any pictures?" NO!!!! i am the not picture taker. i have to remind myself to take occasional selfies with my boyfriend so we can prove to the korean government we've been dating sufficiently long to get married.

#like if someone wants a picture with me i will let them #and in japan i had a bit of fun taking pictures #but i actually think many experiences are better when everyone is not waving their phones around #like walking through the wish lantern tunnel at the jinju lantern festival. WISHHH i could have simply strolled down the tunnel #instead we had to stop every two steps because literally every other person in there was taking photos and videos #another thing—it's fine for people to make these and go to these but i dont like art installations that are MADE for pictures #MADE to be posted on your instagram story #i want to feel utterly rocked to my core IN PERSON by art and culture and experiences and i dont care how it photographs #in vietnam i took pictures (almost) every day just to force myself to leave the airbnb #and i took videos in halong bay for my dad so i can convince him to go back w me sometime #but like call me a boomer. i do not care about pictures and they wont help me remember #i just want to feel things deeply while im there. sorry to sound all 'just live in the moment' but #t

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newtness532 · 2 years ago

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you know i think i might actually like my body

#like today i had to sort of take my shirt off at uni and i was in this bralette thingy ive crocheted and i didn't even care about it #and then at the gym they have a million mirrors and i was looking at myself while doing one exercise and i liked what i was seeing #i mean i would like a bit more muscle in my arms but thats simply for flexing reasons lol #anyway side note working out in a knitted bra and a warm -cropped- hoodie when its hot outside not the best idea #although i hated the feeling of sweaty yarn on my back which forced me to have a better posture #so maybe its not a terrible idea #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

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orcelito · 1 year ago

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There are more trigun fanfics than there were back in April

This is creating a problem for me