#force me to take back care of myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

judas-isariot · 7 months ago

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"But you looked happy"

Being happy doesn't mean I loved myself.

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windingpathways · 1 year ago

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since I got sick I've been feeling weird about being Witnessed bc I feel like I look so different... but I'm trying to get over that, so here's a couple hot-mess barefaced pics of the self indulgent yarrow crown I made today in the work truck between properties

#me #my face #ivy.jpg #im coming back yall!!! im not dead!!! i swear!!!!!#i just have been as busy as ive ever been in my life and exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling like i look gross post illness #these are the first selfies ive taken in so long #it doesnt help that ive been wildly unkempt due to taking more care of thr plants than myself #but im forcing myself to post them anyway lmao i gotta get over myself

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svtskneecaps · 6 months ago

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friends and fiends if this truly spells the Over for the qsmp i may let the brainworms that have been festering in me for MONTHS--A YEAR, EVEN--win.

i may summarize the goddamn fucking lore.

#i CANNOT make an 8 hour summary i CAN'T i SHOULD NOT that is SO MUCH CONTENT #and i still only speak like 2/4 qsmp languages MAYBE 2.5/4 if we're REALLY stretching it #but GODDAMNIT I'M DOING SOME CURSORY RESEARCH ANYWAY BC I WANNA WRITE THAT FUCKING TIME LOOP #qsmp #maybe just the fed lore. haha. eye twitches. maybe just the iverall server lore. maybe i'll even bother caring about the qsmp livestreams.#haha. eye twitch. fucking. eye twitch.#solo lore is B E Y O N D me but MAYBE shit that affected Most or All lore i could do #like code lore and shit. obv it knots in with other lore but FUCK IT WHATEVER #AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i'm not even gonna worry about it #yknow what. not even gonna worry about it. i gotta do the research first 🤪 whatever bro #if the research gets done i'll think about alllllllllllll the rest of this but this is a YEAR OF CONTENT #mother FUCKER dude it's not possible there's no way #this is a year with like 80 hours of streams per DAYYY at peak who could do this #who could. no wonder no one could keep up. no wonder i had to LIVE in the tag to keep up #good lord GOD i shouldn't do this. i'm not committing. god i want to though. god i shouldn't.#shut up vic #block game brainrot #HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA #WHATEVER HAHAHAHA WHATEVER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA #i will beat this storyline into SUBMISSION i will beat it to DEATH i will FORCE IT TO MAKE SENSE #I WILL PRUNE IT LIKE THE WORLDS WORST BONSAI I SWEAR TO GOD #i'm unhinged i can't i have so wanted to do this but i swore to myself i wouldn't #bc i know i'll go insane and i know it will take FUCKING YEARS and there is no fucking way i'll see it to the end #but goddddddddddddddd i want to i SO FUCKING WANT TO #listen. if there's no more lore. i may summarize the fucking lore. someone will beat me to it 100% bc i take fucking a million years #but people are suckers for long video essays and summaries IT'S ME I'M PEOPLE #anyway if you got this far and have the screenshot of mariana messaging slime to tell him their daughter is dead please send it #i can't find it via google and i don't have twitter and i know it was posted there at some point :(#i want it :( i want to throw it back in slime's face in the time loop because repetition is fun and heartbreaking >:D

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shilohtx · 2 months ago

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i know I must be pretty normal cause my last two and most significant long running relationships ended with one of us in the mental hospital + one of us in jail. respectively

#if the tables had been turned i would blame karma but i was the one who got screwed over first. also in my defense i had talked myself out #of killing myself but my ex didnt care and they forced me into the psych ward so they wouldnt have to deal with me #and not to seem so victimized but i didnt even call the cops on the second instance. i didnt even press charges. i didnt want anything to do #with any of it #i couldnt love my ex after they did what they did cause the psych ward and the hospitla were traumatizing for me it was a horrifying #dehumanizing experience and they didnt really care. and i wish things had gone the other way around because i love x so much and both times #i landed him in jail i didnt press charges and id never want to it wouldnt do anyone any good and it wouldnt teach him any lesson and like..#where is the line with me?#i left him but i do still love him. i dont think i could survive being with him and i do feel optimistic about my future sometimes without #him cause wow that was...heavy. but i dont understand....he really made me feel like shit once and i deliberately overdosed and he took me #to uc and he actually stood next to me and talked them out of taking me back to the psych ward because i freaked out so bad and he always #listened when i would tell him about how horrible it was.#and when he did that i thought it was a sign of how things were going to be different this time around. because he wouldnt do that to me.#well i guess i did it to him

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lawrence-songs · 5 months ago

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An anon, meaning well: how does interacting with bendykins feel?

Me, attempting to restrain myself to the best of my ability: ahem. I mean. It's wonderful.

#Frankly even hearing the name mentioned is like having something take over #There is a feral animal in my head and it wakes when the demon is mentioned.#I so often made fun of myself in source for monologuing but now I get it.#It is such a feeling.#I'm going to rant in the tags because I can't bring myself to make this a real post. But it's like seeing a part of myself.#Like the essence of something deep in my bones.#I have to respectfully take myself back several notches around bendykins because I know that more likely than not #They are not *my* demon. And what I remember and the level of comfort and the understanding that we had does not exist here. And that is.#Both deeply comforting and deeply and truly upsetting. It is wonderful that he exists in this world in so many beings. And it is devastatin #That he does not know me. I was so loyal for so long and he doesn't remember me. There is not one I am able to speak to that feels really #And truly like what was once the experience i had because it was so personal. And the few bendykin I know are still far from that level of #What i suppose you'd consider a very close friendship. I knew he cared about me then. I cannot force it on those who are him now.#And I'd never want to.#But the heartache is still there. Of all that time spent for only myself to hold the remembrance of it in my chest.#I don't even remember most of it. Only the feeling it gave me.#And how much I miss that.#sam talks #Sammy Lawrence #Batim #Batim kin #Samuel's vents.

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vogelmeister · 7 months ago

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been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently

#i love them but im gonna explain #i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did #but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes #i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now #in healthcare no less #but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad #im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts #like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no #and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face #even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said:#i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too #bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall #bc i feel we don’t do this any more #i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go #i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her #bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort #my other situation is my childhood best friend #i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me.#it comes from a place of knowing me for so long #and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins #but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis #even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins #bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st #like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup #even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back #bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me #and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it #but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back #i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag #idk its a lot. thank u for listening

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mutalune · 5 months ago

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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery

#starlight personal #it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in #my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires #like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful #and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these #I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now #SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME #I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do #if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning #the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH #WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT #AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE #basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics #I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out #2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation #time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh #that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral #to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first #see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP #SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG

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reinemichele · 10 months ago

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I swear I'm trying to type out the thing about my brain but I'm really not sure how much detail I feel comfortable going into... I used to be so open on here, but then uh, I had several big falling outs with friends and a couple of them started stalking me, so I left my blog on queue since 2014 and then stopped posting from 2016 to 2020. The only place I felt comfortable making posts relating to my personal life or mildly dissenting fandom-related posts was on a locked twt account with only 20-40 people on it.

Anyway, I'm Trying

#erin talks #text #I Think those people have moved on but honestly at this point I don't care as much #all of them have my address so if they were going to send me a bomb it would've happened years ago (they don't live in this country #so that takes part of the worry out of the equation) and I've started taking medication so I don't think I'd Completely fall apart if they #showed up in my notifs now compared to back then #so it's more a matter of forcing myself out of my comfort zone & reminding myself that unless I act like a complete asshole #with 0 regard for others then there's a very low chance there will be extreme negative reactions to my silly little posts #(but if you've ever wondered why I seem so hesitant to be completely honest about negative opinions or I put disclaimers on a lot of posts #it's not bc of like the whole 'twt is the only place where well articulated sentences get misconstrued. 'I like pancakes' 'so you hate #waffles?' no that's an entirely new sentence' thing . I feel bad that most ppl have this problem with the internet at large #since 2014 wrt rocking the boat the slightest bit but mine is from . teenagers who had similar issues that I did/do and didn't set out to #be 'evil' . I don't forgive them but they're not unforgivable ppl . you know?)

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autistic-shaiapouf · 9 months ago

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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about #but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were #and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat #as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like #a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain #it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot #i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds #i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh #political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore #they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get #but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk #i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers #here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now #it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths #i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how #burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that #i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up #could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me #coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage #you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao #i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now #bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will #i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail #also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e #no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it #i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course #idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do #anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand #shai speaks

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bo0zey · 2 years ago

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good morning y’all regrettably it seems that i have woken up against my will ONCE AGAIN……..

#and w a migraineheadache ewwwww #i started getting it last night before bed but i was like eh it’ll go away #but then i woke up at like 8am to my cat doing some bullshit and the headache was still there but like more prominent?#i was tired tho so i went back to bed n here i am awake at 1130 n my head huuuurrrts #i’m forcing myself to eat these lil mini chocolate rice cake things then imma go make coffee #caffeine is good for headaches btw #also my dads like ‘we need to take ur storage boxes to the storage place’ n im like uhh i literally just woke up w a migraine no #also i had a bad day yesterday n no one cared abt me to check on me #n ik that’s dramatic cuz like i didn’t even leave my room but try explaining that to my inner irrational child who wants to be comforted #wike a whiny wittle baby lol #anyways i’m gonna b less dramatic today than i was last night sooooo sorry to anyone who witnessed that lmaoooooooooo #shut up cianna

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foxcassius · 1 year ago

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"do you want to take a picture?" no "did you get any pictures?" no "aren't you sad you didn't get any pictures?" NO!!!! i am the not picture taker. i have to remind myself to take occasional selfies with my boyfriend so we can prove to the korean government we've been dating sufficiently long to get married.

#like if someone wants a picture with me i will let them #and in japan i had a bit of fun taking pictures #but i actually think many experiences are better when everyone is not waving their phones around #like walking through the wish lantern tunnel at the jinju lantern festival. WISHHH i could have simply strolled down the tunnel #instead we had to stop every two steps because literally every other person in there was taking photos and videos #another thing—it's fine for people to make these and go to these but i dont like art installations that are MADE for pictures #MADE to be posted on your instagram story #i want to feel utterly rocked to my core IN PERSON by art and culture and experiences and i dont care how it photographs #in vietnam i took pictures (almost) every day just to force myself to leave the airbnb #and i took videos in halong bay for my dad so i can convince him to go back w me sometime #but like call me a boomer. i do not care about pictures and they wont help me remember #i just want to feel things deeply while im there. sorry to sound all 'just live in the moment' but #t

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newtness532 · 2 years ago

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you know i think i might actually like my body

#like today i had to sort of take my shirt off at uni and i was in this bralette thingy ive crocheted and i didn't even care about it #and then at the gym they have a million mirrors and i was looking at myself while doing one exercise and i liked what i was seeing #i mean i would like a bit more muscle in my arms but thats simply for flexing reasons lol #anyway side note working out in a knitted bra and a warm -cropped- hoodie when its hot outside not the best idea #although i hated the feeling of sweaty yarn on my back which forced me to have a better posture #so maybe its not a terrible idea #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

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orcelito · 1 year ago

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There are more trigun fanfics than there were back in April

This is creating a problem for me