#but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis

[vogelmeister]

been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently

[apocalypselog]

Neurodiverse/Autistic Tips for Working Retail

I recently started a retail job for the summer. Despite being a good job, it has been stressful, mostly because of my neurodivergence. I’ve learned a lot about handling this sort of job. I don’t know if this will be useful for anybody, but here’s some tips that helped me:

Communication

The worst part of a new job is that I have no idea what’s going on. I don’t know what task to do. I don’t know how to do my tasks. I don’t know how to find my manager. I don’t know what questions to ask my manager- ad infinitum. Asking questions (which is difficult, I get it) helps you get over the lost feeling early and lower the stress of trying to figure out what’s going on.

When I told my therapist how anxious I was about the various aspects of work, she told me to ask my supervisor “I don’t really know what’s going on, so I’ll probably have a lot of questions. How do you want me to ask you questions?” This lets the supervisor know that you will have questions and lets you know how to ask them (text, walk up and ask, etc), taking away just a little more stress.

Do your best to communicate with your manager about your needs, questions, etc. Having a script to ask questions may help if you’re really nervous. Remember, the more you communicate now, the easier it will probably be in the future.

Scripts

Scripts are your best friend, especially if you’re in customer service. Unless you’re behind the customer service desk, most of the questions you get are going to be some variation of “Do you have this item” or “I need grass seed which one do I get” or “Where can I find the sprinkers?” Having scripts helps get through these interactions. Here are some of mine:

“I’m not sure, let me look it up.” (For the “do you have a specific item” question.)

“Good question. Just a moment while I ask my manager.”

(For answering the phone:) “Outside Lawn and Garden, how may I help you?” (listen to question) “Okay, just a minute while I look that up.” (put customer on hold and look up item/look for a manager.)

It’s perfectly fine if you don’t know the answer to a customer’s question. (At my job, we’re not supposed to say “I don’t know” or “I’m new” or “That’s not my department”. First, it will be okay if you do say that. Second, there are different ways to say the exact same thing: “I’m not sure, let me check,” or “That’s a good question, let’s find someone who can answer it.”)

Shift Length

Even a job we’re familiar with can be difficult once we do it too long, and it’s even worse with a new job. I worked an 8 hour shift, which was hell, and have been scheduled for several 9 hour shifts in the future. T_T

In the interest of conserving your spoons, I recommend that you ask to be scheduled for shorter shifts. (I’m planning to ask for a maximum of 6-7 hours- obviously this depends on the person. I’m planning to ask for it as an accommodation for my anxiety or OCD since I don’t have an autism diagnosis.)

If you can’t manage to get that accommodation, it’s important to keep track of your breaks and lunches. Hopefully your work gives you breaks- use them. Make sure to eat and drink water when you go on breaks- having a treat to look forward to at your break also helps.

When I have breaks that I can take when I want, I struggle to take them when I start getting tired, in the interest of “saving” them. I don’t know if that’s a broader autistic trait, but if it is, ignore that instinct. Take a break, try to regain some spoons. You’ll thank yourself later.

Miscellaneous

Auditory Processing Disorder can make it difficult to hear what customers are asking about. I work in the garden center and everything has weird names, so that makes it even harder, especially if it’s over a phone call. My hack is to ask the customer to spell it. I have sometimes struggled to understand what letters they’re saying, but overall it’s easier than trying to understand a garbled word, or asking the customer to repeat themselves five times. (Script- “Okay, let me look up that item. How do you spell it?”)

If at all possible, wear comfortable clothing. Trust me, after a few hours every sensory sensitivity you have with clothes will be blaring. (If you are, say, watering plants, bring extra socks/shoes. Wet feet are the worst /gen. Definitely not speaking from experience /s.)

If you can, find a place where you can go to be alone, take a deep breath, stim, etc. The bathroom is one choice- gender neutral/family/single stall bathrooms are the best option but even an ordinary stall might be enough. After work, you’re going to be low on spoons- have coping stuff in your car for after work. (I have music ready to play.)

Bring stim toys! I wear my stim ring and a big chonky gothic cross that I can fiddle with. Stimming helps a lot. (People probably won’t care, and if they do, they suck and I’ll punch them for you. If you don’t want to stim in public, the bathroom is probably your best option.)

[cripple-cryptid]

Getting To Know Me (Again)

It’s been a long time since I’ve really made a serious post that was well thought out and also like, a full update. It’s been a long time since I’ve even really just made a literal “Life Update” as well. So I guess this is a good time. I think it’s important because this blog has changed quite a bit in the past few years, and I think that I need to just make some things clear. This is probably going to get long, and heavy, but I think this is important, and I’m hoping that maybe I can help people in the future after I get this taken care of. Fair Warning: I am literally the worst at organizing this sort of thing, but I would really appreciate it if you read it the whole way through because it would mean a whole lot to me.

Hello. My name is Sava. I’m 22 years old. I’m a transmasculine Agender individual, and my preferred pronouns are They/He. Truthfully, I don’t mind other pronouns as long as they are not She/Her. I am a trans person, and I experience dysphoria. I’m planning on getting top surgery and HRT at some point in my life. I don’t know when, but I hope that it will be soon. I’m also Asexual, and Aromantic. I’m sex repulsed, and romantically indifferent. I am polyaffectionate (thanks to @aromanticpolyamory for the flag on this one, and coining the term as far as I’m aware?) and I have two partners. I love them both very much, with all my heart, even when I am an AroAce. So in summary, I’m a polyaffectionate Triple A (thank you @aro-ace-agender-space for the beautiful Triple A Pride Flag once again I literally love it to death)

I am also disabled. Mentally, and physically. I went most of my life undiagnosed, however I have been tested repeatedly for various things since I was a small child. I was always disregarded, and never got a proper diagnosis for my mental illnesses until I was 17. My physical ailments were ignored and went unnoticed until I was an adult, and I still am working towards a true understanding of what is going on. I am an amalgamation of many things, both mentally and physically, and it is a very long and frustrating process. Everything from my Depression, PTSD, and various other mental illnesses mix with my hEDS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Migraines, and Insomnia. New symptoms are cropping up, as well as potential new problems. There are many things that make sense to me now that I look back on how I grew up. My old injuries make sense. My weird allergies make sense. Some of the things that I seemed to have inherited from my parents now make sense. But now that I’m older, I’m starting to learn. I have tools, braces, and mobility aids that make life easier. I finally decided that meds are a smart idea, so doing the responsible thing is starting to pay off. I hope.

I’m...not the same person I was when I first joined this site 10 years ago. I was innocent, misguided, selfish, manipulative, lazy, and bigoted. I did nothing to change my views, and didn’t really allow anyone to educate me on things that I did not realize were actually important. I was ableist, somehow sexist and misogynistic, and downright stupid. Despite all this, I thought I was right in all the wrong ways, and never tried to properly justify any of my points. And this is where everything changes.

I am going to put a warning here now. These are my beliefs, and If I receive any hate in my messages or in my askbox because of what I am about to say, I’m not even going to answer them. I am entitled to my opinion, and you are to yours. If I am threatened, I will report the threats. And that is that.

You are allowed to self Dx. I’m not going to say that it’s better than a professional diagnosis 100% of the time, but some people are not capable of getting a professional Dx at that point in their lives. Sometimes, it’s the start of the journey towards finding answers, and that is why I support it. You do not need dysphoria to be trans. Now mind you, I am referring to the umbrella term here. I feel that sometimes, you don’t agree with the identity that you were assigned with at birth, and that it can cause a serious disconnect. This can apply to many different identities, whether that is genderfluidity, gender neutrality, or another identity, it is not for me to say. I am not in charge of your body, you mind, and how your autonomy works. I know that people will argue with me on this, but I think the most important thing is that we all need to support each other in the community, regardless of what labels we use. It’s a journey of self discovery, and sometimes, labels change. It’s okay. I love you no matter what. Aspec People belong in the LGBT+ community. I’m not going to expand on this because I don’t have to. There is plenty of history that you can look up for yourself on the internet, and I don’t have to justify myself. Your spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof) are yours to practice, and I’m not going to shame you for them. I have my own beliefs, and I’m not going to shove them down your throat. I’m not going to tell you that you’re going to hell. I’m not going to try to “convert” you. I’m going to respect you to the best of my ability, and if I need clarification on anything, I will try my best to make sure that I do not overstep any boundaries. I will not shame you for your body, no matter how you look or how it works. It is not my place to tell you how to look, how to dress, or how to take care of yourself. I love you and I hope that you can love yourself, too. Abled people do not have a say in how to treat disabled bodies. You do not know our pain and you have not gone through the same journies that we have. This goes the same for neurotypical people and speaking for neurodivergent people. We know ourselves better than you ever could. POC voices are the only voices that matter on topics that relate to their struggles. White voices hold no weight because we know nothing about what we are saying. BLACK LIVES MATTER. FOREVER.

There are many topics that I have not addressed here, but I cannot think of many more at this current moment. I’m considering making some sort of masterpost, or fixing up my FAQ later on to better address all these things later on. But I have more that I need to and want to say in this post, and I need to move on.

It’s been a long time, and things change. I have changed. This blog has changed many times. I will probably be revamping the appearance of the blog soon as well. so I decided that this long post is a good time to say the things that I need to say.

I want to help people. I might be a bit of a grump, and sometimes, I’m a bit of a wild card when it comes to things that I’ve posted in the past (read as: I’ve posted some really dark shit because I’ve been in some really dark places in the past). I don’t know everything, but I still want to be here to help others. I want to be here for people that are struggling with pain, and need some help. I want to be here for people that are hurting and don’t know how to start the process of healing. I want to be here for people that maybe don’t have the capability to get the help that they need, because they will never have the chance. I want to be the friend that I never had when I was younger. If I can do that, I’ll be happy. This might just be wishful thinking, but I really do want to be a bigger voice in the disabled community, in the mental health community, and in the LGBT+ community. I want to be part of something bigger.

So once again I will say: I’m Sava. I’m 22. I’m a triple A. I’m polyaffectionate. I’m disabled. And I want to help others and make a difference.

[adhdtoomanycommas]

Emotional Disregulation, Privilege, and White Girl Tears

Hello all, it has been a few months since my last ADHD essay, and what a few months it has been. In case you’re reading this in the future (since tumblr has no date stamps), I am writing this in June 2020 when in the midst of a global pandemic, police are responding to massive protests against police violence with even more police violence, and a lot of white people are thinking more than ever about the privilege we have experienced. I have been thinking about writing about my (cis white female) experience with privilege where neurodivergence, race, and gender intersect for a while, and have hit the point where these ideas have been bouncing around in my head long enough I need to write them down.

Small disclaimer: Right now I'm not sure if I should be writing anything about anything since we all ought to be listening and amplifying black voices --I'm there are much better resources out there about race and neurodivergance especially, and I have no intention of talking over anyone, especially given my limited experience. But given that the audience for my last essay here was in the single digits, I doubt I need to worry too much about talking over people at the moment. Please know that I am writing this now primarily for myself, and if it ever gets an audience later, forgive me for writing it now when there are so many more important things going on and more important people to listen to.

I will do my best to stay in my lane here, so I'm just going to talk about how my privilege has affected the perception of one of my ADHD symptoms If you don't want to read some rambling white/cis anecdotes about how white privilege and gender norms affect the perception of ADHD, by all means skip it. If you're still here, maybe it can be the start of a conversation as I would love to hear some other perspectives and experiences here. And maybe, just maybe by the end of it I will learn to spell privilege right on the first try (I really want there to be an A in there, or maybe a D. Privaledge? Sounds about right.)

As I mentioned in my previous ramble, I’m a cryer. I cry a lot, not just when I’m sad but sometimes when I’m happy, when I feel guilty or ashamed, and especially when I’m angry, or frustrated, or overwhelmed. I learned recently, as I was seeking my diagnosis, that emotional disregulation is a hallmark of ADHD. We feel things strongly, and uncontrollably and have trouble restraining ourselves from expressing those feelings. This is experienced by almost everyone, if not everyone, with ADHD and it’s only not part of the diagnostic criteria because it’s hard to quantify—there are a lot of good general resources out there to learn more about this, I’m not an expert, I’m just here to share my own experience.

Story time. When I was in fourth grade, I punched another girl in the stomach. For what felt like the millionth time, when the teacher told everyone to find a partner for some activity, everyone partnered up and I looked around to find that I was the left-over. I was an outcast for a lot of reasons at that age. I told myself for a long time it was solely because I was the lone atheist (actually agnostic but I didn’t know the term at the time) in a deep south bible-belt school, but with the benefit of hindsight I have also realized that (partially probably due to the ADHD) I was also pretty weird, and probably very annoying. But whatever the reason for my ostracism, it was already weighing heavily on me when the teacher assigned this girl to work with me, and she gave me the biggest exasperated sigh and eyeroll like she would rather do anything else. So I punched her.

I now realize that this is probably a pretty normal response for a kid with untreated ADHD—the combination of emotional disregulation and poor impulse control means we often lash out. But with none of the adults in my life knowing that at the time, surely I was disciplined for my seemingly-random violent action, yes? No. I cried, and I got away with it.

That’s not the whole story, I did get several weeks of sessions with the school counselor, and I was made to write a very thorough apology letter (and made to rewrite it repeatedly as the teacher thought of more things I should add and repeatedly declared my handwriting not good enough, to such an extent the exercise definitely felt more punitive than reconsiliatory), but I ultimately I didn’t get expelled, I didn’t get suspended, I didn’t even get detention.

The girl I punched was black. This wouldn’t be relevant to the story at all, except that in retrospect I have to wonder if the consequences would have been the same if our roles were reversed. If a black girl (even a neurodivergent, ostracized, and frequently bullied one) had lashed out the way I did and punched a white girl, I expect there would have been a lot more consequences for that, even if she cried afterwards. And if a black boy had done the same, he wouldn’t have been perceived as troubled and in need of help, he would have been perceived as dangerous. And as we all (hopefully) know by now, that perception can have life or death consequences.

I’m sure that was neither the first nor the last time that crying, and people’s perception of me crying (as a cute little white girl with freckles and big brown eyes) has gotten me out of trouble, or gotten me what I wanted one way or another, but it is the most dramatic example I can think of. I want to emphasize that I have never cried to get what I wanted on purpose—I have spent way more time trying not to cry than trying to cry, the only time I’ve ever cried on purpose has been in theater exercises. But I’m sure a lot of white girls in the same position I was in (with or without the undiagnosed ADHD and emotional disregulation) have realized the way they could use peoples responses to their tears to their advantage. They probably grow up to be Karens who use their tears to get out of traffic tickets, get free stuff from store managers, and to sic violent police on black people who inconvenience them. (Aside, the only time I have been pulled over as an adult, I was trying so hard not to cry that the cop thought I was acting suspicious and asked a bunch of extra questions. I still got the ticket.

I tell myself that those people use their emotions on purpose to manipulate people, that I'm different, I would never do that. But I have to wonder if some of those same women tell themselves the same thing after the fact. I don't think it's enough to avoid intentional manipulation and intentional harm-- not anymore. We as white women need to do be conscious enough of how our emotions are perceived and prioritized to act proactively to avoid unintentional harm as well. For those of us with ADHD, this may be harder than for neurotypicals, but that makes it all the more important for us to think actively about this. I'm not sure yet what this means for me personally, besides removing myself from a shared space if my emotions threaten to become the focus where they shouldn't be, but I would welcome input on this.

I want to talk about gender more generally here as well. ADHD is dramatically underdiagnosed in women, and I have to wonder if some part of this is because emotional disregulation lines up so nicely with the stereotypes of women’s emotions in the first place. Oh, you cry a lot? Of course you do, you’re a woman. One can only wonder how many oldey-timey diagnoses of “hysteria” were actually ADHD. Even now women with ADHD are usually misdiagnosed several times with things like depression or bipolar disorder before we are tested and diagnosed properly. This wasn’t my experience, but after basically doing a bunch of research and self-diagnosing I was able (thanks to a great deal of economic privilege) to pay to go directly to an ADHD specialist. I also walked into that office with an extremely thorough bullet-point list I had compiled of reasons I suspected I had ADHD—it was probably the easiest diagnosis the doctor ever did. So obviously having ADHD while female isn’t the best combination, but when it comes specifically to crying easily that being treated as relatively normal definitely meant I had an easier time with it than my brother did.

My brother (who is nonbinary and uses a variety of pronouns—I’ll probably alternate between they/them and he/him here because it is important to the story that they were perceived as male at the time) cries just as easily as I do, and just as often. When we were little kids, this didn’t make too much of a difference. They’re a couple years younger than me, and little kids are expected to cry more. They haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD, but they and I both strongly suspect for a variety of reasons, this included, that they have it too—I believe they were flagged for it in school, probably for frequently talking out of turn, but I don’t think they were ever tested formally. He got in trouble in school a lot more than I did, for similar outbursts, and while he got quite a few of those same counseling sessions (white privilege at work again), he got more actual discipline as well. But the perception of our tears landed differently, especially as we got older.

For the most part, the scorn leveled at my brother’s tears didn’t come from our parents. My mom, (who, while also not officially diagnosed, I can almost guarantee is where we got the ADHD genes from) cries as easily as they and I do, so she understands it. My dad would certainly prefer to think of himself as an enlightened modern man who would say it’s ok to cry, but he has his share of ingrained toxic masculinity despite himself. I don’t think I ever saw him tell my brother directly to “suck it up” or “act like a man,” but I do think after puberty or so he started responding to my brother’s tears with a sort of exasperation that he never directed at me.

The real difference was in how we were treated by our peers. By the time we got to high school, if I would cry at school, my peers (even ones who weren’t necessarily my friends) would probably ask what was wrong and try to help or provide comfort, or at least would leave me alone and give me time to pull myself together. When my brother cried at school, he was mocked. Relentlessly. Once bullies figured out that he cried easily, he was targeted and goaded specifically for it. They would find any little thing they could to get under his skin (right down to the most childish with rhyming nicknames) and troll him for fun. I wish I could say that I stood up for him, but I never did. I can tell myself this was because I didn’t see it happen in person, being two grades ahead, but I could have made an effort. Although, since he was almost certainly targeted at least in part for perceived failure to live up to masculine gender norms, I’m not sure if having an older sister try to come to the rescue would have helped or made things worse. At this point it’s years past, so I suppose speculation on what I could have or should have done is pretty moot at this point. Suffice it to say, this particular symptom which rarely did me any harm made my brother’s life a lot harder.

I may talk more about different perceptions of my brother’s and my ADHD symptoms in a later essay/ramble/entry/whatever, in particular how it affected out academic performances, but that’s for another time.

Again, I’m not sure if there are any greater conclusions here. There are a lot of ways emotional disregulation can present, and I really only addressed this one small aspect of excessive crying, but it is a good example of how even lesser-known ADHD symptoms can affect our lives in cascading ways, and the way people perceive those symptoms (due to various more visible identity factors) affects us as well. If you read all of this, thanks, and if you have any experiences you’d like to share with how your emotional disregulation has been perceived by others, I’d love to hear them. Until next time!

[artificialenvy]

CALLOUT POST

@currynahh / @currynya is a shitty person.

I am making this post because I refuse to let them throw around accusations that I'm a predator.

Reasons I believe they are shitty:

I have ADHD, but I'll try not to derail any points.

After not seeing my spouse since Highschool, they invited them to a discord server. I was brought along and given a "+1" role, as in "This person isn't one of us, just @twiranux 's +1. I wouldn't have had a problem with that if it didn't create and "In group" and "out group" where the people in the ingroup treated the +1 role as "not a friend, just a +1."

They have a room for venting in that server, as a lot of people do. I have seen people typing in there on three occasions and decided not to interrupt them for my own needs, however the time I got to start typing in there and posted a couple of messages to indicate I would be typing, someone else came in and made it about them. I doubt they meant harm by that, but I went to @currynahh and explained it hurt to be silenced like that. I wasn't looking for an apology, I was looking for a solution so other people don't get hurt. My proposed suggestion was a second vent room for if there were 2 people needing it at once on that large a server, it would be helpful, or atleast a rule about interrupting vulnerable people. They dismissed this saying "two rooms wouldn't help because what if there were THREE people" which, if there were three people at the same time one would still have to wait, but the line would be split in half and people would be able to use it if it was an emergency and the first space was already taken without interrupting.

When they dismissed this idea, I said (and I dont have the exact quote as I left the channel, something @currynahh is very particular about is exact phrasing.) "If there's no rule against interrupting I guess next time I'm in need to type and someone is already using the safe space, I'll just be That Dickhead[TM] and interrupt? Can't wait." to which they threatened me with a ban, assuming I meant I was going to actively hurt people instead of just pointing out that there being no rule meant ANYONE could be That Dickhead[TM]

I also pointed out the inconsistency of threatening me with a ban for saying I'd do what the other user actually did and cut someone off. (they never spoke to the person who interrupted me about the event, to my knowledge, and I never spoke to them or saw their name) so I referred to them as "the fucker who interrupted me." Not in a mean way, just.. Here people can be called fuckers, like calling kids brats. I apologized once they said they found that rude, but they kept bringing it up saying I was name calling.

This is Hearsay, but apparently they said the person probably interrupted me because of ADHD, they seem a bit too comfortable deciding what is a factor of someone's else disabilities without consulting them.

Them dismissing my problems and threatening me with a ban instead of trying to fix their server made me actually go to name calling, and I still feel it's fair to call them a heartless cunt. Heartless for pretending to care when really they just wanted to defend someone in the in-group, Cunt cause it's a great word and it fits. I know the word Cunt is seen more harshly in some places, again, so much here. They really take offense to regional and class based dialects. They went to a private school and were calling me mean for just calling a dude I had no name for as "a fucker" when to me, someone who's poor and went to public school in a shitty town in Ontario, it's the norm here.

Since they showed they really didn't care I told them they were fake and left their channel, my spouse chose to follow me which I didnt know about at the time.

They DMed my spouse with another person who hasn't spoken to my spouse or I in 6 years to call me toxic, abusive and a predator. My spouse said they wouldn't have that conversation without me, as its childish and unproductive to just talk behind peoples backs. When @currynahh kicked me out of the group chat, refusing to talk like adults, my spouse asked me to log into their account to participate since they didn't want to be cornered by these two people to talk shit about someone they care about.

They call me toxic and abusive because I vaguely know the passwords to @twiranux 's accounts, despite never logging in unless asked to (for example a daily event in a videogame that they won't be able to make in time but wants the rewards.) and because on one occasion while I was napping, my spouse forgot an agreement we made about watching a specific movie together and I was upset about that, as I'm sure most people would be if their partner agreed to not watch something without them. I tried to keep my cool and just stay out of the way of their enjoyment, but my spouse wanted me to join in atleast for the end so I did, still grumpy but trying to make the best of it. If they had waited an hour or chose a different movie, things would've been different but @currynahh doesn't want "excuses."

They call me a predator because the person I'm married to is 2 years younger than me. @twiranux and I have been together almost 9 years now, we started Long Distance Online Dating just playing minecraft, listening to owl city (our song's Honey and The Bee 🐝,) and making Garry's Mod youtube videos. We would've been about 13 and 15 at the time, though it is worth noting that our birthdays were less than a month away from when we started dating so 14 and 16 if you want to make that distinction, I was in class with people the same age as my spouse. They think the age is gross, but we were two neurodivergent kids who were extremely sheltered at the time (helicopter parents/physical disabilities) who could only have freedom online. We had met through liking the same movies and youtubers and knew eachother a year before, while I was asking for advice on asking someone else out, my now spouse confessed attraction to me and I suggested we try "dating" for a bit, which consisted of nothing new except drawing cute pictures and giving eachother nicknames. I dont know if I knew their age at the time, but I did think they were a boy which didn't change anything, just hopefully shows I wasn't some 30 year old neckbeard hunting for kids on the net, I was just a disabled kid who was caught off guard by a confession of attraction and rolled with it.

@currynahh says they have proof that we weren't innocent in highschool, as (they claim) we asked them to write nsfw fanfic about us, which.. we didn't? My spouse has no idea where thats coming from and neither do I so just a blatant lie. Not that it's anyone's business but my spouse and I didnt meet in person for about 4 years and anything physical took place after we were both legal adults, im not comfortable going into more detail.

After my spouse had me log onto their account to show they weren't going to be cornered by those two, I was allowed back into the group chat to try and figure out why they think im problematic, but @currynahh insists im just making excuses when I've just been saying exactly what im saying here. They say I'm sugarcoating it, I disagree. I dont have the exact words I said about everything, but admitting to calling her a Heartless Cunt isn't something I'd do if i were sugarcoating it as she suggests. This is how it played out they keep trying to shove me into this "abuser" box they framed me in without knowing me.

They would repeatedly spew paragraphs of "points" then block me and leave the group chat while I was typing up a response. They don't want excuses (read: explanations) and they don't care about facts (that they misunderstood certain things and was willing to clear up what I meant if they weren't so caught up on semantics.)

I will not go into my partners mental illnesses on this platform, but they have a psychiatrist who I've met and I have to (sometimes in a way that looks controlling to someone who doesn't know the problems) keep my spouse grounded. The Psychiatrist thought I was doing a great job at managing it, but @currynahh disagrees, saying I'm enabling (without even letting us tell them what the problem is or how im helping.)

Which brings us to the next point; they say I can't talk about the mental health of myself or my spouse because it will trigger them, meaning they block any attempt we make at explaining how it works. They treat us as a neurotypical couple and call it abusive when I'm literally just doing what's deemed best by a psychiatrist for my spouse.

For DARING to tell her to stop calling me a predator, she calls me a narcissist, which is just.. Very cool. Love me some armchair diagnosis. They also diagnosed me with anger issues (from one call in which I was grumpy and then me trying to defend myself from these accusations.) So really, I think docs are being paid too much 'cause @currynahh is doing their job for free.

Because they weren't listening to my spouse, my spouse decided to stop typing, especially since she was just going on long rants then leaving the server before we could reply. Whenever @twiranux gets a chance to speak, @currynahh would leave the server claiming it triggers their anxiety to face the consequences of what they said. Then they would tell me to quit speaking over @twiranux when I was just speaking on our behalf, while in a call with @twiranux due to these reasons.

Instead of keeping their nose out of our relationship like we were asking, they kept trying to tell my spouse (who chose to marry me and lives in another country) that im abusive because they think trusting eachother is a sign of abuse.

Instead of listening that we're fine, they throw a tantrum and tell us to go to marriage counseling (which, although I wouldn't be opposed to going, is very telling that they think people can just do things that require money on a whim.)

They say that "instead of saving up to move in together and have kids you should put money towards marriage counseling" which again, what savings do they think I have? My bank account has -$4.00 in it and my spouse can't work right now. We have nothing.

They keep bringing up kids and how would we raise them? Would they not have privacy? Its a stupid point they threw out there as currently there aren't plans to have kids and there's huuuge difference between a married couple knowing eachothers passwords and not letting your kids have privacy.

They keep bringing up the fact that we've lost friends before without knowing why. So if they want to private message me I'd be happy to tell her about how we left our last friend group after a dispute where the other people were claiming the N word was inoffensive. Or the group that actually was trying to get into my spouses pants and we weren't comfortable there. You keep making accusations then refusing to listen to facts.

Idk if I'm missing anything, if they unblock me and see this they will probably say I'm staw-manning again without actually telling me how and while having no counter arguments. They also don't accept my adhd for accidentally derailing, while using theirs to deflect any criticism.

Karina, you don't know us and you say even talking about our mental health will trigger you, so you need to accept that you're unwilling or unable to understand the dynamics of our relationship but just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's toxic. I wouldn't have made this post if you didn't keep calling me a predator, but I need to clear that accusation publicly before you keep throwing around dangerous labels.

Grow up. Get some help. Learn that your POV isn't the only one.

[dailydestieldose]

THIS IS TRUE, AND VERY IMPORTANT

If any of my followers are neurodivergent, know someone who is, or wants to show support for neurodivergents on their blog, please consider reading and reblogging this to spread awareness. Adhd is not what people think it is, and I have suffered dearly because I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was adhd. I’m going to talk about my experiece here in a long rant, which WILL INCLUDE DISCUSSION OF SELFHARM, EATING DISORDERS, DEPRESSION, A SUICIDE ATTEMPT, AND ANXIETY. I encourage you to look away if that is not for you. On my blog, I have a tag called #adhd that has a ton of user friendly information that WILL NOT INCLUDE THOSE THINGS, for the most part, and has symptoms, experiences, how to know, etc. I know that the meme was light hearted, but having adhd and being misdiagnosed or pushing the symptoms aside as quirky can be deeply traumatizing for some people, and like with me, leads to a host of problems. I love y’all so much, and my inbox is open to every single one of you, even if we’re not mutuals. ❤️❤️

Alright, here we go!!

For the past five years, from about age ten to age fifteen, I struggled with depression and anxiety. (Yes, I am fifteen and several mutuals have adopted me already lol)

But please do not dismiss me off the bat because “She’s so young, the fuck does she know?”

I thought and was told that I was lazy my whole life, but recently I sought help for anxiety and depression again at a different doctor’s and they basically said No, for real, you fucking have ADHD. They put me on adderall three days ago and y’all the differences are stark.

Adhd is not always “can’t sit still, can’t sit still, can’t sit stil—SQUIRREL!”l

*ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS, and I am very convinced that if I had been a boy and had shown “the boy symptoms”, I would’ve been tested and treated way earlier.

People are often misdiagnosed with anxiety and depression before they’re exposed to enough adhd info to pause and think.

FIVE YEARS ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and only within the past week did I begin to get treated properly.

Adhd and anxiety/depression/mental illness are so inextricably linked that’s it’s often Russian Roulette to get a proper diagnosis for any mental illness, and too often the doctor’s finger points to the “gender appropriate” diagnosis.

Girls are VASTLY underrepresented in adhd diacussions, and disproportionately represented for anxiety and eating disorders.

I was missed diagnosed and treated improperly and I have lost the majority of my youth to mental illness, and that’s not fair. Five years is effectively my entire adolescence. I wish I had known sooner, beyond the narrative of a troubling boy who can’t sit still in class.

And so here’s my experience. I hope it helps y’all.

I know that many of my followers hyperfocus on Supernatural and Destiel (that’s why I follow y’all ily❤️), and that is a symptom of Adhd.

It’s not always not being able to focus, sometimes it’s getting really interested in something and hyper focusing.

Adhd is the DISREGULATION of focus, not necessarily the lack of it. Often the highs and lows of focus and productivity leave us exhausted and burned out.

And we have special interests because we have to keep our brain going...or else the Void is just there.

If you stop doing SOMETHING, watching tv or social media constantly, the emptiness is just. There.

Boredom feels worse than death, and so we always have a safety hyperfocus.

For me, it’s supernatural. All through my day, whenever I feel bored or monotonous (like doing chores), I listen to music and daydream headcanons and stories in my head.

When I was young, I was always getting in trouble in school. I was talking or doodling during class. I had so much trouble hearing the tecahers explaining the work and being able to remember what to do that the teachers started writing lists on the board, which was kind, but then, since there was always something written on the board, it blended into my surroundings and my brain no longer noticed it.

My book bag and desk were constantly disorganized, I could never find my assignments or a pencil when I needed it.

I had missing work, messy handwriting because I couldn’t slow down or I would lose the thought.

(My ma ended up teaching me cursive because it SO much quicker when writing since you don’t have to pick up the pencil and move for every letter. I write in a mix of regular letters and cursive just because I hate how they made some cursive letters, like no that’s not Z fuck you, and I’d recommend the same for y’all learning cursive. It really only takes a moment or two to know how to write a letter in cursive. I had so many teachers tell me to slow down, they can’t even read it, but when I switched to mostly cursive it solved the problem. I would highly recommend it if you have adhd chicken scratch like moi. Dont learn all the cursive letters, pick the ones that look good and natural to you, learn how to connect them, and fuck the other weird cursive letters that look nothing at all like the letter. Looking at you, Z. Bite me.)

I started bringing a book to lunch and recess because everything else was too boring. In fact, I INHALED books. In third grade, I was tested, and I was on a high school level. By the time in was in fourth grade, I was on a college level. I was quickly labeled Gifted and I graced through my classes with little to no effort. I say this not to brag, but because MIDDLE SCHOOL PUNCHED ME IN THE THROAT.

Suddenly, I had to sit down and study, and organize notes, and remember deadlines.

You know those jokes where it’s like, “if you were a gifted child, you’re depressed and illiterate now?”

👇

It’s adhd :)

And I worked extremely well under pressure and deadlines, so I managed. Barely.

(Side note: having trouble doing online school is another symptom, because Home and School have forever been separated in your mind as “Home is for relaxing” while “School is for working,” and for someone with adhd it might be difficult for those two concepts to enmesh. It’s perfectly normal. Having trouble with online school rn is part of what made me seek help again. And I described my issues with it and they straight up were like yeah thats adhd baby)

I maintained my A-Honor roll, but by the skin of my teeth. Because how could I ever let myself slack off in school? As soon as I entered school, I was labeled as gifted, that was now part of my identity.

But know, having to put in SO much effort to remember things that everyone else just GOT was taking a toll (What was the next step to solving this type of math problem, what was the flash card definition for this, everything’s on the tip of my tongue)

Middle school began to suffocate me, I put in so much effort; I tried to stay organized, remember where I put things, keep things neat, only to turn my back, then look back and everything’s messy again.

Suddenly, I know longer did well with pressure and deadlines.

On testing days I had bile in my mouth and hands so clammy I could barely hold the pencil.

I jolted out of bed at the stray thought that I had forgotten to finish something.

There have been times when my ma has driven me the entire 10 minutes to school, only to realize that I forgot my entire book bag at home, or worse, my computer or a single assignment which didnt warrant going home and getting, which often meant a zero or late work.

Some teachers were understanding and gentle, some uncaring, and some so harsh that I was quickly stripped of self confidence and worth.

Coupled with this, my toxic and emotionally abusive father was in my life again, and I now had trouble emotionally handling my mother’s anger outbursts. He was not horrible, nor did he mean to hurt me I’m sure, but any perceived shortcoming of mine made me feel awful.

*This emotional sensitivity is called REJECTION SENSITIVITY DISORDER

Over the next year, this will all accumulate into an overall loss, though of what exactly I was never sure. But I felt LOST. Teacher after teacher gave us “What do you want to be when you grow up, and I constantly blanked. I had no hobbies or special skills.

(Not being able to maintain hobbies is a symptom laddies ✌️)

Something was missing, and I had to keep going through my days trying to find satisfaction. Nothing stimulated me enough, while at the same time sometimes my senses were a live wire, shocking me into performing the Perfect Academic everyone thought I was, that my future and scholarships depended on.

But adolescence brought an onslaught on new emotions.

Where the lunchroom had been warm and inviting but just boring before, now it was looming and sinister. I still vividly remember the subconscious feeling, everyday, of picking each food, having to punch in my number, and the agonizingly self conscious walk to the table, believing everyone in line behind me was secretly thinking I was too slow or too fat and indulgent in my choices.

Looking back now, I easily recognize that, because I was beginning to feel inadequate academically, it was quickly manifesting in me also feeling inadequate physically and socially. But I was a lot younger, and I took these feelings as gospel; they truly must think I’m awful, and that my thighs jiggle when I walk (that was a very poignant and visceral feeling of shame for me, for some reason).

So, in order to try and try and control these feelings, again I threw myself into reading, but this time wasn’t for the joy of reading it was for the sublimation of the start of life sucking mental illness.

I remember how some days I was consumed with the intrusive thought that I looked ugly when chewing and that all the boys would secretly be disgusted.

In hindsight, the homophobia that my grandparents propogated and raised me in and the shame and internalized homophobia towards my bisexuality was beginning to betray itself.

I’ve since found pride and acceptance within my family, whilst cutting out and disowning my grandparents, but the need to be desired and WORTH anything was rising.

I developed an eating disorder.

I stopped eating the entire tray, then only took a few bites, then only sipped a bit of the milk, then abstained and opted for the waterfountain beforehand.

Eventually, I skipped breakfast too.

Until dinner, when I would binge until I felt nauseous. I gained weight quickly. I starting binging and making sick. (Do not start this under any circumstances!! It solves nothing, it’s not cute or quirky like socials media’s romanticization. It’s horrific and solves nothing.)

I craved discipline over my life and yet I lacked it fundamentally in everything I did, or at least it felt like it.

I could no longer manage the school work load and lost my A-Honor roll, and then I lost my B-Honor roll.

Anxiety and depression began to set in.

But they were CAUSED by adhd. They were the eggs and not the chicken. But I was only treated for the anxiety and depression and not the adhd.

I lost and lost weight until I had a thigh gap. For most people, a thigh gap is not healthy, and it wasn’t for me.

I weighed myself every day, living for the brief happiness when I had lost weight and then drowning under it not being enough.

I never felt fatter than when I lost weight.

I had horrible headaches, neck and shoulder pain form being so tense, insomnia, I zoned out in class, forgot chores and assignments, and began to self harm.

(Side note: self harm solves absolutely nothing either and it will literally never make you feel better)

This all eventually led to a suicide attempt. I went to the hospital and very quickly started to get treated for the anxiety and depression.

This helped a lot over time and went back to doing pretty well in school.

I never went back to starving or selfharm and I am very glad that I didn’t.

Just recently, I’ve been put on adderall and it’s really helped. It was not only the medication that helped; there is no miracle cure, it’s not going to fix you. But knowing why things feel certain ways, understanding who you are feels so comforting. And from there you learn to hack adhd.

When I tell you that life is worth living, I fucking mean it. If today sucks, tomorrow will be better. If tomorrow sucks, then it’s still true; tomorrow will be better at some point.

Five years ago, I was on death’s door, literally, and now I am confident and proud and thriving.

Even if you’re 99.9% sure that you were diagnosed correctly, look into other diagnosis to make sure. Or reblog to help your followers who may be struggling.

*ADHD OFTEN LOOKS LIKE OTHER THINGS AND NEVER BEING PROPERLY DIAGNOSED AND TREATED IS LITERALLY DANGEROUS

A few weeks ago, I saw a meme similar to this one, and I said hey that’s funny I do that too, then I went to the comments and people were talking about other adhd symptoms, and then I did research. Now, a couple week later, I’ve been on adderall for just a few days and the vast majority of my sympts and problems are gone. The depression which was caused by insufficient neurotransmitter stimulation is gone and I am so greatful for that random adhd post because it changed my life.

If you need a sign to keep fighting, this is it.

It’s worth it. I promise you.

Here are a few more articles to help y’all (keep in mind that my adhd tag has SO much relevant and important info):