#feeling very alone recently
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A hug would fix so many of my problems rn
#feeling very alone recently#a fair amount of my irl freinds just evaporated when I started my medical transition#and aside from that I’ve been very clearly struggling but it seems like no one is close enough to me to really grasp the seriousness#of my emotional state#like I’m falling apart at the seams and trying to ask for help but everyone is just like#“but you’re good tho right?#idk I just want someone to give a damn. I’m so tired of having to solve every problem all by myself#I just want someone to lend a hand or even just be a shoulder to cry on without making me feel like a burden
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"CALL A <--<>] MEDIC!! A HUMAN YOUNGLING IS BLEEDING TO DEATH!! OH MY <--<->{} GODS WHY IS THERE SO MUCH IN SUCH A SMALL BODY?!"
"WHERE ARE THE HUMAN ADULTS?!"
"IN THE BATHROOM!!"
"BOTH OF THEM?!"
"THEY HAD CO-FEE!!"
"Am I dying?" whimpers the tiny small human child.
"JUST KEEP PRESSURE ON THE WOUND!"
"ELAVATE IT! SHE SHOULD ELAVATE IT!!"
"But I'll swallow blood if I do!"
"..." "..."
"YOU'LL WHAT?!" screeched both adults
"TILT DOWN! DOWN CHILD!!"
"YOU <--<>] FOR BRAINS! THAT'LL MAKE HER BLEED EVEN MORE!"
"THEN WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
"WHAT THE FU--FUDGE IS GOING HERE! WE WERE GONE FOR LESS THAN 5 MINTUES!!"
"Aw, Agnes sweetie, is your nose dry again? Come here, let's get you some tissues and clean you up. Keep your head forward." soothed the human adult.
"Can I change my shirt too?"
"Of course buddy."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! SHE NEED MEDICAL-!"
"Would you zip it?! She's fine! It's just a bloody nose from her nose being so dry--the inside skin is sensitive and a small blood vessel was probably ruptured. It sounds and looks bad but honestly it's not a serious thing."
"...are you sure?" they fearfully asked.
"Positive. I get the same thing all the time when sick. It'll go away in a few minutes. Now for future reference just give the kid lots of tissues and have them hold it to their nose. Keep their head facing forward; if they tilt back the blood will flow into their throats, and if they tilt forward they'll bleed more."
"...understood."
"Good. Now maybe go apologize to Agnes for traumatizing her for the past 5 minutes."
"That's a good idea."
"I'll give her some of my blood as an apology."
"...that's nice but maybe don't."
#Was sick recently and had like 4 nose bleeds and my gawd i looked like i had my ass handed to me#made the mistake of talking and that made me look like a cannibal#also tilted my head up trying to clean my chin while still bleeding...very unpleasant feeling#could not be a vampire#reminded me of this kid we had who often had a dry nose and was so used to it he mastered the art of shoving tissues up his nose#also also we have like no breaks during work and so when you gotta go you need to wait till things are calm#its fine when you have co-workers. just tell em and go. but i work in the afterschool program and am alone...#i try not to go...#the adventures of kim and max running a space child centre#humans are space orcs#humans are space oddities#humans in space
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does anyone have any tips for someone who is having one of those days where their chronic pain is so debilitating that the act of existing is starting to feel excruciatingly draining? asking for a friend.
#what’s the point of chronic pain#literally all it does is make me feel lonely and isolated and ********#i do my best to stay optimistic despite how debilitating my pain has gotten in recent years#but some days it hits me that i have spent half of my life in physical pain#and that’s already a lot to process as it is#but knowing there’s absolutely no escaping this pain because my conditions are not just incurable but also really difficult to treat#just makes me feel so hopeless at times#i have a great support system at least#and i’m ridiculously grateful for that every day#but having multiple specialists tell me that they have never encountered someone with my presentation of conditions#just makes for a really lonely existence#anyway#i’m very sorry for venting#i have just been spiralling all alone in my room and needed to get this out#sending love to anyone reading this who is going through their own chronic pain struggles#personal
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as much as I would like to believe that Frederick and Asuka could be friends again, like, Freddy is building that rocket as fast as he can to kick his ass before the residual FoC and Gear power leaves his body. I'm sorry. I know I'm the Asuka apologist but dude. Nearly 2 centuries of the most unimaginable agony and festering sense of betrayal, compounded by Asuka goading him intentionally on multiple occassions (his reasoning behind all this goading aside) he is not just going to be able to let that go.
Asuka's crimes against humanity are one thing, you can argue til you're blue in the face about that and there's actual ground to cover there, but what he did to Frederick and Aria is like... damn dude. You, without their consent, turned them into gears. You lied about it to their faces too. Aria, someone who is cited as having her identity and who she is as a human being be one of the most important things to her, trusted you to put her into cryosleep because you said you'd find a way to save her so that she could be with Frederick. She didn't want that, she wanted to stay and spend the time she had left with Frederick instead, but she let you convince her cause she trusted you. And you took away her body, identity, and autonomy. You took Sol's humanity from him following that, lied to him about it, and then spent 200 years pissing him off so bad on purpose to make sure he'd always be there to help you fix everything. Oh, and then you made him kill his wife that you mutilated. Twice, essentially.
I love you Asuka, but shit, that's all kinds of levels of fucked my man. Frederick justifiably hates you really REALLY bad. I hope we get something in Dual Rulers settling this, cause Frederick just letting that go even following the events of Strive is just kinda unrealistic.
#sairambles#guilty gear#frederick bulsara#sol badguy#asuka r kreutz#aria hale#I've been thinking about it a lot recently#I think it'd take me like actual years to cover just this dynamic between the three of them alone#like Asuka and Sol being friends is important to me but#it's not really feasible. Sol's whole life and world was ruined for about 2 centuries#and Asuka is manipulative! He admits to that!#like at the end of the day it sucks but the price of saving the world was his most important relationships#and that is a tragedy because his very desire to cling desperately to the most important people in his life#is exactly what ruined him in the end#and that fucks me up SO bad#and then you gotta feel for Freddy too#like he essentially got caught in the crossfire#I forgot to talk about it in the post but he also had to spend those centuries suppressing violent gear bloodlust#like he wears that limiter for a reason#and Asuka made him that way on purpose. He “needed a warrior” as he says in Overture#it's all just. so fucked#it's crazy to see how much AsuSol there is and then how much “Sol hates Ky” there is next to it#Like... Sol and Ky are borderline familial#ESPECIALLY by the end of Xrd#Asuka though? He wants to kill that guy. Or at the VERY least beat him within an inch of his life#and even then man like#is that going to be enough?#after aria and 200 years of agony#like how much ass beating is really going to make you feel better? Is there any amount of violence that will let you get it all out?#shit man I don't think any amount would be enough for me
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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*taps mic* Celebrities do not owe you insight into their sexuality, nor do they have to define or abide by your standards of how they act regarding their sexuality. You do not know them personally enough to inspect their private lifestyle in such a way, and even if you did that behavior still isn't warranted. Just because celebrities are more known to the public, doesn't negate the fact that they are people with feelings and aspects of their lives that they might prefer to keep quiet about. Sexuality, in general, is an intimate thing, that everyone experiences and expresses differently, and having random strangers deny or question their queerness does more harm than good. Stop acting like you're entitled to it.
#“but-but they played this queer character in this role-” okay and? it's literally their job. as long as the character they played wasn't#riddled with harmful stereotypes or other problematic things than that fact alone still doesn't give you the right to hound the actor on#whether or not they're queer same thing goes for musicians#“but queerbaiting-” was primarily used towards media not real life people bc that often needs proof which often involves#searching and inspecting these people's private lives behind the scenes (which is problematic) and opens up more can of worms bc#you have to ask yourself why you view these people as queerbaiting without knowing them personally? what aspects of queerness do you feel is#not being met and why does it necessarily have to be?#conversations like this can also rise double standards and other negative aspects within the queer community itself with for example#bisexuality where an actor could be seen with/or dating someone of the opposite gender and be questioned if they're really bi#even though the whole (one) definition of bisexuality involves being attracted to two or more genders#this happened with kit connor#ive also seen this happen with asexuality and people trying to worm their way into famous people's sex lives---very weird#even more so if a celeb came out as one sexuality but changed to one that better fit them now all of sudden their queerbaiting 🤨?#there's also a dangerous precedent when race is involved bc often times poc queer individuals are with the brunt of this criticism bc they#often don't abide by view of queerness that is primarily driven my many (not all) yte queers#you can see this with megan thee stallion & victoria monet both singers who are bi but are often denied by members of the queer community#bc of their relations with men (even though that doesn't/shouldn't negate their sexuality at all) and are sometimes demanded that they act a#certain way only for on the flip side to be accused of aiding into the fetishization of wlw relationships it's very flip flop#the singer khalid was literally outed recently!#this can be very harmful especially for celebs who are probably still navigating who they are for themselves#this ties into how celebs aren't treated as human and bc they are famous certain people believe they are entitled to every aspect of them#stop harassing people#lgbtq#lgbtq community#queerness#queerbaiting#celebrity culture
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i like the guy i'm seeing quite a lot already it's dumb dskjfdkjdsf. it's making me realize that i don't think i liked my ex as much to be honest, even tho we were together for like 5 months. they were nice and all that and we had good sex, but i think i was more into the fact that it was my first queer relationship (and my first relationship period in 3.5 years) than into them, if that makes sense? maybe that makes me sound like a jerk idk. but i'm literally just realizing this now and it now suddenly makes sense why i was so hesitant to committing to them on the long term, and even wondering if i was gray aro for a moment there (i mean the possibility is still there).
there's also a part of me that fears i'll be "missing out" on something if i get with him more seriously while not having been with another woman. like it would invalidate my queerness as a biseuxal woman if i'm with a cis man. i know it's really stupid and not the case at all, i'd still be queer, and i really hate that my brain is even going there. maybe it's because society (and the LGBTQ community too tbh) keeps invalidating bisexual people not being in a "gay relationship". but yeah. bottom line is i really like him and he makes me feel really good and it's really really nice.
#i had 2 events the past 2 nights and usually i'm like. all burned out from socialization after that#usually i'd wanna stay home and all alone#but nah today i still wanted to see him and we spent the whole day together and i didn't wanna go home#2024 was such a hellscape for me i think 2025 is already much much better and is giving me a break lol#(i started seeing this guy just before the holidays so it's still very new and recent but he makes me feel soooo!!!)#shut up alie
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friends, romans, those who are both hockey and cycling fans: is moho strange enough to be a goalie
#i think he IS. and i've been beset by visions: he and primož play for different teams in the nhl#primož recently sent down to the ahl to get gametime to see if he's fit to play (frequently injured and he's off the back of a bad one)#tadej plays for the same ahl team everyone thinks primož is going to get called back up in time for some important game (to make playoffs?)#but then tadej starts playing shockingly well#(in my mind with little hockey knowledge he's a centre and primož perhaps a winger. both little guys who can move very quickly)#anyway like scarily well#and HE gets called up instead#team gets knocked out of the playoffs pretty close to the end. but then tadej is traded to matej's team for next season#and pogrog still have that screwy mentor/mentee relationship being relatively alone as slovenians in american ice hockey#but primož might have missed his chance#his team do VERY well the next year but he's hardly called up. tadej meanwhile is a little wunderkind beloved by the fans#heralded as the greatest slovene player the league's seen and his team LOVE the fact they've got a star and a goalie#with nationality in common and they're very cute about it.#then primož IS called up again for a game against the both of them another game that really matters but he's taken out with injury AGAIN#anyway the visions have been visioning but i do NOT know enough about hockey to make it work#also stefan küng goalie exists in this same au. feels like TT specialists could crossover very well
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maybe the banter bug is a blessing in disguise because half the time when people start talking i just sigh
#one problem with the dai characters' writing is. it feels like everyone was very recently forced to take a class#on writing characters and was told they all need distinctive voices to stand out. and really really took that to heart#yeah i could instantly pick out cole or bull or sera from their speech pattern alone. but at what cost.#anyway thinking of respeccing vivienne because solas' ice magic keeps saving my life but i roll my eyes whenever#he speaks. yeah i get it youre a curious and mysterious soul and everything you say will be soo ironic in 100 hours#please stop making conversation with varric im trying to hear the insane things he and cass say to each other
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Amazing, take some of the side character demons from Evil Bound.
Vincie is a menace to Chuck and Chuck alone so in Hell, Chuck hexes his hand behind his back so that he isn't grabbed as much (and it's harder to pet him). Chuck is like the most irresponsible older sibling ever to demons though so Kelvin recruits him (as an older sibling vibe) to go help him get his ACTUAL older sibling from Earth. Chuck agrees. And then drags Vincie from Hell with them because no one else wants to babysit him and he refuses to unbind the hex just to re-hex when he returns to Hell.
In Hell, Kelvin actually doesn't appear much different than his human form! Like Kronos, the lines under his eyes are red in Hell but black on earth. Chuck however? In Hell he has wolf-ish ears and has a fur lining his neck (note the neck scars in human form). In addition to that he has four eyes in Hell (note the scars under his eyes in human form). Vincie just has horns in Hell. And! In Hell the hex doesn't have a silly looking "tied up" look, it's invisible unless Vincie strains it with movement and then its red text. But it shifts on earth to be visible.
Vincie's biggest agony for the entirety on earth is "dude it's colder here than in Hell I want a jacket to slip my arms into BUT I CANT BECAUSE IM BOUND".
#my characters#amazing show stopping rng wheel thanks#i have my oc plots on a wheel - thats 80 different options! wow! - and spun it#i spun twice and the first time it was the bodyguard plot that i drew a few days ago#the second time was evil bound#i genuinely think it new its a bad day and im not doing well so it took it easy on me with things id done recently#anyway ive never colored kelvin before which i realized today#i only have pencil art of him#also fun fact about their lil earth adventures#they fucking fail horrifically the first time they go and kronos doesnt go back#then they go back to try and get him to forcefully bring him back and theeeeen shit hits the fan#and so vincie is vibing with tolliver since hes basically useless without hands and then oops!#no more hex! and so he starts to get really super scared and tolliver is like uh isnt that a good thing your hands are free now#and vincie is horrified because the only way to break a hex from a distance is if the caster is near dead or dead#and if thats the case chuck is probably dead and that means what if kronos and kelvin are dead#how is he gonna get back to hell alone and is HE going to get punished for it#but then kronos and kelvin show up and take vincie back to hell with the not breathing chuck#but its fine in the end bc the succubi bring him back to ... life ? question mark? anyway hes revived#but vincie does have a part where hes just crying in tollivers apartment bc he thinks hes gonna be punished#for not helping the other demons and then they died#but chuck dying is basically why kronos goes back to hell - he feels responsible (hes at fault so good for him to own up)#vincie is one of the very few demons who doesnt have dark sclera#chuck vincie and kronos all have black sclera while the succubi have gray#i dont think there was ever a reason for it tbh i should make up a reason#time to go lie down and not exist the rest of the night if i can avoid it
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not-yet-dead-person
silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww
(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)
i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!
the head circles are there for emotional support
very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.
(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)
usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.
according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it
the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!
Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.
background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!
for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway
that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it
#re:kinder#fanart#sayaka re:kinder#rei re:kinder#OH I ALREADY RAMBLED IN MY POST WHATEVER SHOULD I TALK ABOUT NOW IN MY TAGS UEEEEEEE😭😭😭#oh yeah do you want to know a fun fact about this drawing#i started it yesterday. i wasnt meant to I DID NOT HAVE PERMISSION...FROM MYSELF... i was meant to be on break#i self imposed a one week break from doing any rekinder related project after the transcript to avoid accidental burn out#NOT THAT I GOT TIRED OF IT AFTER THAT TRANSCRIPT NOT AT ALL#but jumping straight into more hours of creativr work after over 30 hours of it is asking for disaster. it is asking for burn out#yesterday was the last day . 12 hours were left but i was going to die if i didnt draw anything it would have been OVER#(aka my period started recently so i got very gloomy and depressed so i needed to run to my favorite stress relief...drawing rekinder☺️)#(on that note seriously what the fuck please explain the evolutionary advantage to getting horribly depressed every month)#(like hello?!?! rant real quick— i get enough flashbacks everyday i DONT need them to last longer and have me more msierable ?!?!?)#(periods are so dangerous to my mental health for no reason can i get a restriction order on them or some shit what the fuck)#(anyway thats enough of that break of character DONEEEE :3333)#SO YEAH I DIDNT EVEN LAST 7 WHOLE DAYS i even played a new game in between those 6 days youd think itd het my mind of rekinder. WRONNNNGGG#not even another devastating rpg horror gamr could divert my attention for long i hsd to draw rekinder😊#using the newfound power of mt transcript i was decided on drawing rei because i dont draw her enough for how high she is on my fvaorites#i was initially doodling random lines but then i stumbled upon this interactkon and it doesnt really fit into my usual expression sheets#so i thought hey lets do it asife#i thumbnailrd it and from there i was like hey lets do it in comic format isntead of separated messy doodles in tint canvas#and the rest is hisotry .... aka i spent the last two days doing this instead of doing MY HOMEWORK!!!!!#on my defense when i wasnt drawing i was horribly depressed i had no other choice#(seriously fuck off periods WHAT what do you mean i need to be distracted 24/7 to not be struck by crippling meltdowns LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!?)#(they should be banned we as a society should find like a . cure to them it dont do me good to have a whole week where i cant function)#these tags have been more of a weird rant im sorry IVE BEEN FEELING PEEEVEDDD LATELY SO YOU GET. STRANGE DROTTER LORE ????
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/31148883f4165f227e83116cfe0b28db/6b1f0c8096153b1e-03/s540x810/deb1204f282ae6a5cf44cef1290e865dbb1ddc89.jpg)
✨️ Mirror pictures in freezing weather ✨️
#my face#me#about me#it's cold#but my nest partner recently did my hair and it makes me feel better#michigan means depression season hits way fucking harder lmfao#but i have an ice capp#so that counts for something!#I'm also gonna try to binge my fave movies tonight bc they're going out and I'm learning how to cope with being alone when they're partying#wish me a good luck and if you feel like chatting i may very well be up for it tonight#they/them#they/he
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i'm a cis woman, but in the past few years i've developed a habit of headcanoning any male character i relate to as a trans women, beginning a fic trying to explore that, and then miserably falling short as i can never figure out how to end the story. i've recently joined a new fandom and started my most recent attempt at writing this ever-elusive character interpretation i've been trying to explain for years. and it occurs to me that maybe the reason i keep trying to interpret these characters i relate to as women and failing to, is because i'm trying to project the wrong experience. because i think that conclusion i can never fully bring myself to write isn't one about coming to terms with womanhood and embracing that identity, but about coming to terms with being a man.
so tldr im a trans man and this is a coming out post.
#shaking a little bit writing this but like. i dont know.#ive felt. alone a lot and ive been very scared of actually doing anything to make myself happy for a lot of my life#and ive felt a lot of shame about particularly. i dont know.#i feel a lot of shame in general#but about my gender. about feeling like i cant transition because i dont want to do it the way you see in media#and that its cool for other people to be gnc and trans and present however they want but#that itd be wrong for me. that id be faking#and i dont know i think im tired of running from it#im acting like this is some terrible truth. like this is an unspeakable evil i would inflict on the world by doing something that could mak#me happy. make me feel comfortable#i dont want that shame anymore#i never deserved it#anyways. i like the name angus. please call me angus from now on although autumn is actually still fine i do fw that name. always have#but i need to say this and put it out into the world and not take it back#this is my experience. this is my starting point. and fanfic and writing have been a big part of that#anyways. shoutout to#james wilson#most recent blorbo ive tried to trans the gender of. i think ill be able to finish this fic though lol.#trans#coming out#fandom#fanfic#personal#queer#lgbtqia
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#petition for my brain to shut the fuck up#man i’ve been doing so well lately i hate that i’m feeling like this the past few days#i know it’s because i’m about to get my period#tmi sorry#but damn#bonking my brain with a hammer yelling YOUR FRIENDS LOVE YOU! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!#WHY DO YOU FEEL SO UNLOVEABLE AND UNIMPORTANT#especially when i have had conversations with like. four separate people very very recently about how much we are grateful#to know and love each other#so why the hell is my brain doing this to me 🥲#love irrational thoughts and feelings xoxo#to be deleted#personal#sometimes i feel like tinker bell like i truly think i’ll die if i don’t get enough attention#but at the same time i’m like#be grateful for the attention you do get bitch
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Hi! I just wanted to jump in and say thank you, because your blog has actually helped me a lot recently. I read your post from a while back (like a WHILE, 4ish years ago) about the aro/ace future and what that looks like as we get older. I’ve been coming to terms on and off in the past few years about how averse I am to relationships and dating, and with the fact that really don’t care if I’m single for the rest of my life. But you very nearly articulated the main concern: what happens when everyone else is wrapped up in their marriages and their families I am truly alone? I’m still not sure that the aromantic identity is accurate for me, but it feels pretty close and so thank you, again, for opening this world up to me and putting words to my feelings. :)
Aww thank you for telling me!! 💚
I still feel the way I did when I wrote that post, although it occupies less of my brainspace than it used to. However, I will take this opportunity to talk about the big thing in my social life that changed since 2020: I dove hard into my local community. Any local community will do I think, but the main one for me was my local trans community. I was also in a community music ensemble, I spent a couple years in a survivor support group, and I went to local queer events. I valued those communities highly enough that they were the main reason I was upset to be moving to a new city.
Community made a huge difference for me. I wasn’t really friends with any of them exactly (like I rarely hung out with any of them outside of whatever thing we had together), and community definitely doesn’t occupy the same niche of social requirements as friends or a partner. But it HELPS. It helps with social support, feeling connected to other people, having regular social interaction, and (crucially imo) meeting people who are older than you in a peer environment instead of one where they are of higher status than you.
I know so many trans people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, even 70s, from my local trans community - variously single, married, divorced, multiply divorced, dating, polyamorous, nonamorous, etc. It really broadened my view of what people older than me are actually doing in real life, not just what the twenty-somethings around me anticipate they will be doing when they are that age. People who are like me too, queer transgender people who will never fit the conventional narrative. It enriched my life in a way I wasn’t expecting.
I still don’t know what an aroace future looks like and it’s still scary but at least now I know that mine will include local communities and that I can get a fair amount of the social fulfillment I’m seeking from them.
#GROWING UP ARO#i am still doing it.#you guys have been watching my coming of age novel in real time since 2016#a lot of people use church as their local community (not a lot of queer ppl necessarily but i think it's interesting#cuz i never understood what church was all about until i was in a community where i felt a sense of belonging)#my local queer org had an aroace group too but i didn't go lol it wasn't my vibe#honestly since moving i'm really feeling the lack of community hard#cuz it takes time to build up and i haven't been here very long#btw anon all this isn't directed at you specifically i'm addressing all of my followers <3#god i thought of something else but this post is already long enough so it's going in the tags:#in recent years more of my friends are quite a bit younger than me#cuz the ones my age all scattered to the winds for work and school and relationships and being a real adult#so... yeah i lost a lot of those friendships but i haven't ended up alone yet#we'll see! tune in in another 4 years for the next update!!
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for the first time in my life i was just asked if i have kids instead of if i'm in college yet. the years start coming and they don't stop coming huh
#stooooop#i know i have been old enough to have kids for a while but 😵💫#im always behind on all the milestones in life tho but it never stood out before bc people always thought i was 17#literally from when i was 13 until very recently people always guessed i was like 16-19#which was great bc i am an autistic late bloomer who lives w my parents and sucks at being an adult#so giving off the vibe and appearance of being a teenager was fine#but now i look like an adult#🧍♀️🧍♀️🧍♀️#yet i am not good enough at being one for these questions and assumptions 😭#i hate it hereee#anyway weird old guy at the store started telling dumb blonde jokes then asked me if i had kids#never in my life have i been asked that#late twenties fr the worst age bc u still feel young but start getting treated old and also u don't have ur shit and life together yet#but everyone thinks you do or should by now#alas#irl i'm 27 what am i a child bride moment#not that having kids is for old people#but im not even good at being responsible for myself yet let alone an entire baby#i do want kids but im not ready for that yet#also never been in love 🫠#or even seriously dated anyone ever#not that it's a requirement#in fact im planning to adopt esp if i dont get married but still#anyway i do very much want kids im just not in that place yet#and didnt feel that behind in life about it bc nobody ever asked me that before#thsi better not be like how everyone asks you as soon as they meet u about ur job or school i dont need to be fielding this forever
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