#everytime i try it just! doesnt work!!
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
THIS THING IS SCUUUFFED AS HELL & ITS ALSO THE BEST THING I HAVE ANIMATED THUS FAR. IM SO IN LOVE WITH EMIZEL. JUST WISH I GAVE HIM MORE STUPID TATTOOS. NEXT TIME THO. NEXT TIME. I ALSO LOVE VEX&VIV SOOOO MUCH. charlies flavor of Deranged is my FAVORITE!!
#cw gore#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#ACTULY FINISHED THIS A WHILE AGO. kept going back n forth between trying to work on it more or call it done#in the end i chose DONE!! i worked on this for a full day n a half. NO idea what possesed me but it is NOT happenin again anytime soon#i shall do better NEXT TIME!! in the meantime tho OH MY GOOOOOD WHO WANTS TO SCREAM ABT THE SUCKENING WITH ME#THE FUCKINNN THE FUCKIN THING WITH VEX N VIV BEING THE SHADOW LEADERS OF THE FANGS/DEMONS#OH MMYY GOOOODDD THATS THEIR LIL MEAT GENERATOR... THTS SO FUCKED UP AND COOL UUUGHHH I LOVE THEM...#THEIR FLAVORE IS SO WONDERFUL. I LOOOVE HOW SILLY THEY ARE. MAKING PUNS WHILE PULLIN A SCREAMING VICTIM APART#vex n his lil fashiony art workshop and viv n her sterile n clean doctors office#i bet she doesnt even HAVE a medical liscense. it would be funny if vex did tho. could u imagine#they main MEDIC in tf2 together. viv is the battlemedic while vex only pocket medics for her. COULD U IMAGINE#guh i could go on abt these two forever n ever n ever i LOVE THEMM i gotta draw em more....#OH ALSO before i run outa room. i should say. i took inspiration from a tf2 animation called POOTIS ENGAGED#the animator. Ceno0. uses black bars in the action sequences in SUCH A COOL WAYYY everytime i watch that video i feel inspired#oneday ill make more complex fight scenes... one day....#in the meantime UGHHH I LOVE THE SUCKENING SO MUUUCH CAN I JUST FUCKIN SAAAYY THAT I THINK EMIZEL IS A SMART COOKIE!!#THESE PPL FUCKING FEAR HIM NOW!!! 'SHAMIA SHAMI' IS NOW THEIR MORTAL ENEMY!! POWERFUL ILLUSIONIST. CANT DIE.#THAT PART AT THE END THERE WHERE HE FUCKIN. KILLS HIMSELF INFRONTA THEM. THATS SO AWESOME. THATS SO METAL. AND THEN HE COMES BACK!!#I WATCHED EP 7 ASWELL BUT I WONT SPOIL IT HERE. BUT OMYGOD. EMIZEL IS SO COOL AND CAPABLE N SMART N FUNNY N UGHHHHHH I LOVE HIMMMMM#OKAY THATS MY RAMBLE FOR THE DAY THANKYOU FOR READING. I READ ALL TAGS SO YOU SHOULD RAMBLE TOO. IF YOU WANT. IF YOU CAN.
734 notes
·
View notes
Text
today marks another birthday for this sweet, wonderful, kind, and amazing creature that goes by the name Żmija. nearly popping out in the fall, but with her heart as hot and impatient as the sun of july morning, she rushed for the last days of summer where she truly belongs - so of course, a summertime portrait it is :-)
wishing you the happiest and most love-filled of celebrations, @slavicafire -from yours truly and yours forever :-)
#scheduled as usual since im not here. hence the hour of posting - sorry; i know you dont like when i do that!#but i hope it will find you still.#sorry i couldnt do justice to your tattoos - god they look wonky but i SUCK at those so bad everytime!!!!#anyway. hope u have a wonderful monday and that bday package got to you all safe and on time! kocham cie bardzo bardzo mocno!#rysunki#also now that i look at it while scheduling. god did i draw you too pale. or is it just my laptops screen settings. god i hope its my lapto#oh good god and tumblr says its scheduled for 17th even tho i keep changing it to 18th. oh god#please forgive me if for some reason it will be posted a day early.... on app it says 18th but here...#oh god i changed the timezone on my blog to warsaw and everything why does it still say 17th!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ill try to fix that later im so sorry if it doesnt work out
113 notes
·
View notes
Text
honestly if you live in a blue state and can afford a decent home and all your meds/food/utilities i want to hear NOTHING in regards to us in red states
i live in greg abbott's red texas. you know, the largest state that borders the most vilified neighboring country and receives the majority of latino immigrants + has a huge black population + a lot of arab and asian immigrants
i will not tolerate blame put on the people in red states who are constantly harassed and belittled because of their race, origin, religion, gender, and economic status
you want someone to blame? blame your party who did nothing to get people out of poverty, did nothing in response to police violence and killings, did nothing for palestine/lebanon, did nothing in response to abbott and desantis' vitriolic anti-latino racism and policies
democrats did what they do best, follow the right-leaning trend and lose to republicans
#literally there are more and more homeless people everytime i go into the city#doesnt matter which city#we have homeless people here in my town which is a hell to travel on foot because we literally have a highway cutting through everything#there are no sidewalks and barely any places for camping that arent private property#majority of people i check out at work use ebt cards for food#and even then its mostly white people that have access to those government funds#most of the latinas that i check out are vigilant in their coupons just to make sure they can afford necessities for their homes#using money that their husbands are breaking their backs for because its the only job available to them#shits been getting worse and worse here no matter who was president#and it will continue to get worse#people are already dying it will be an epidemic#and im trying my best to better my family's situation so i can be quicker in helping my neighbors#but even then i fell like itll be too late by the time it comes down to that#just#do more#be a good person to everyone regardless of if they share your political views#cus ill tell you something when people are in survival mode and wanting to claw themselves out they will find any justification for bigotry#they will find someone to blame for their circumstance because its not normal to live like this#some blame the government and some blame immigrants#feed them and show them that people are not their enemy its the fucking rich assholes in government keeping them at the bottom#so that rich assholes stay on top no matter what happens to the world around them#the entire world could be burning and they still will be wasting money because its nothing to them
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
art ideas: Valarian and Zenobia
quick doodle #2!!!!!! i can't draw them lmao
#everytime i try#it just doesnt work out and i don't know why#doodles#the black labyrinth#aurelio voltaire#Valarian#Zenobia
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Disclaimer im just processing some thoughts im not cancelling the show
have almost thoughts about how i find the like....narrative on here that if you have chronic "zebra" conditions youd want a doctor like House and wouldnt sue for malpractice bc at least youd have a doctor that cares about whats wrong with you but lets take it one step further. so often he does NOT give a shit about the patient and actively endangers them frequently with his god damn heoric era of medicine approach? non zero amount of times he gets a diagnosis but it comes too late, or he gets a diagnosis after their first wrong 3 guesses of the episode shut down the patients kidneys and they either have to get a transplant or they are just, doomed due to other preexisting conditions etc? idk. i know ppl are almost certainly exaggerating and just letting off steam about the very real failures of our current medical systems and the ableism baked in and All That Shit. i just think its weird how ppl romanticize House who STILL, FREQUENTLY, MULTIPLE EPISODES will actively dismiss shit in the exact way that is a problem in our current system, especially when hes being Forced Against His Will To See Clinic Parients, he loves to be dismissive as fuck of symptoms and if he was a real doctor i think he'd be fucking 50/50 on cases he Notices Something To Dig Into vs cases he dismisses as an Anxious Hysterical Woman Who Wants Attention, the only reason he's Right so frequently in his snap judgements is cos it reinforces the narrative. its like a crime drama that has the mastermind serial killer masterfully using "loopholes" and lawyering up all sneaky and dodging Justice and if only our poor little cop protags were allowed to do A TEENY BIT of Justified Police Brutality, they could Save Lives!
and like sometimes in the show they will have a patient die despite his efforts to narratively punish him. not to mention, i think its been at least mildly brought up and glossed over how much they absolutely do not think about insurance costs for these ppl for the insane amount of tests that find nothing and Wrong Medications To Force A Diagnosis they use? i think it was brought up once in the episode following a day in the life of cuddy where she had to fight a lawsuit bc a guys insurance like didnt cover his thumb being reattached but chase reattached it anyway while in surgery cos it was The Right Thing To Do and the guy didnt have the money to cover it and the insurance wouldnt pay unless he sued the hospital or whatever. thats like the only time its come up. whereas like frequently the doctor I go to for osteopathic manipulation tries to check in with me and make sure im covered by insurance etc and that im not going to go broke or get buried in medical debt seeing her.
idk. just some Thoughts. not a defense of our current system and all the flaws it enables and enforces etc. his approach to medicine is really reminiscent to me of what I know of the Heroic Era Of Medicine which i dont...love? and hes framed on here as being an asshole but would kill for his patients to get them a diagnosis etc. but hes definitely extremely paternalistic to patients ? and despite some good clippable lines about ableism and being against eugenics, it honestly feels like his stance on that is kind of a toss up.
#toy txt post#AGAIN THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF OUR CURRENT SYSTEM NOR AM I TRYING TO 'CANCEL' THE SHOW#i am simply processing some Thoughts about it#and wishing better doctors upon all of you when you need them#doctors who Listen To You and who Put In The Effort and The Work to figure out why you feel like shit#who also arent calling you slurs the whole time and throwing random fucking medications at you that destroy your liver or whatever#but give them data. idk. like sometimes in the show it does seem like they need to do that! like the patient is actively dying and the risk#to info ratio is such that it makes sense. other times its like you like definitely couldve done other things to rule shit out but you#needed to fit this whole patient arc into a single episode#not to mention i feel like any doctor who approached shit even close to the way he does would Not have his success rate#no matter how smart the payoff would Not be worth it bc theyd kill more patients. they would not be getting lucky everytime. real life does#not have a plot narrative to fulfill if house treated you he'd just fucking kill you#also one more disclaimer I AM AWARE DR GREGORY HOUSE IS A FICTIONAL MADE UP BLORBO CHARACTER#AND THAT MOST OF THE PPL JOKING ABOUT THIS DO NOT NEED THE REMINDERS OR WARNINGS OR DISCLAIMERS ABOUT HIM ETC ETC#IM SIMPLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND THIS SHOW AND REAL LIFE#and am only a little bit uncomfortable w the level to which his approach is romanticized on tumblr dot com. but i understand why and like#fair enough#anyway watching house MD is like a sawbones episode displaced in time and Very Worrying#i just have the finale of s7 left and then i will start s8#and i am dreading the aphobia episode. but it cannot be worse than the horrific intersexism and transphobic he's put on display right#right?#i guess its probably not worse in that from what ive seen on tumblr. he is being aphobic to an adult and not a teenager. so#also house is infuriating bc if you remove the doctor bit. i have met this man so many times and i want to kill him ♡#the guy who is just allowed to stampede through life being a total ass with no pushback or accountability and terrorize people#hes a bad employee and a worse boss#okay turning reblogs off on this cos i dont trust ppl. i think i have replies restricting to mutuals too so#that way this doesnt break containment and get misinterpreted
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok another post b4 i leave... NOT FINISHED YET BUT thought itd be kinda silly kinda fun to draw bogart (my little mascot guy) as tf2 classes that Terrify Me heres sniper bog :) i feel like a newborn deer with the shakiest knees ever everytime i play him. forever cherishing that time i was such a slow and terrified sniper my own team spychecked me four times within 30 seconds <3
#these days im a LITTLE more competent w sniper he doesnt scare me as much. now spy is my main antagonist#and spy is actually the next class ill be drawing bogart as! everytime i try spy against bots im so slow and confused#i refuse to play spy in actual online im not confident enough yet </3#engineer is a little intimidating but im just slow i know how he works#my own speed is my problem i take too long to push the buttons#tf2#my stuff#art#good ol work in progress#might do a bogart engie doodle anyway itd be fun to replace the sunglasses with goggles
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
will being self destructive > will being JUST sad
#its so much more fun to read#like yh go on go wreck every single relationship u have#i like reading abt everyone trying to reconnect with him so badly and it doesnt work#or it works at the VERY end and its almost too late#it just feels so much more satisfying <3#yh he is nice to everyone but WHAT IF he pulled away? what if he hid every part of himself?#an amazing read everytime icl#will byers#byler#ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS BYLE RRELATED#so good <3
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it
#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like#with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so#upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all#im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in#network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost#posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences#ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught#abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i#moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy.#and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to#but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i#literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not#normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake#and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way#and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them#and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal..#and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know.#ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a#therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk#i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes#sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need#a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of#therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod#which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I#specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id#prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to#save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after#and i have to get credit card .#and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
trying to explain to my therapist that venom snake lives in my brain and i talk to him and shes just like. [frantically taking notes] . SORRY FOR BEING CRAZY I CANT HELP IT
#trying to figure out if im just schizopilled or if i have a dissociative disorder on top of that is a sisyphian task#everytime i think i get it figured out i second guess it lmao#does not help that my insurance only covers abilify and abilify doesnt work for me and ive been locked in battle with them to cover#another antipsychotic so i can stop being crazy and figure it out#me.txt
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#sometimes i feel very normal and then i interact with ppl lol#i had an in person meeting with my boss for the 1st time in ages and i usually talk to ppl while theyre driving or were walking somewhere#so i forgot how much im like obviously not making eye contact when ppl talk to me while hunched over and fidgeting lol#and when im trying to explain ideas to ppl abt like data stuff im like: i dont understand how what im saying doesnt make sense???#also with a healthy dose of wtf is this person trying to say to me? u r saying words and i dont kno what theyre directed at#we had a lab party and im like v awkward at those things. idk how to interact in groups#ppl r interacting and im watching like u r clearly getting something out of this that i am not#i did maybe secure a place as a patient for one of our undergrads who is in the dental school lol#she was like yea i need 8 patients and i was like lol u can look in my mouth and then proceeded to tell her all the weird teeth problems#ive had. maybe that was weird but she seemed interested so 🤷#i hope she follows up bc i havent been to the dentist in like 3 years#and i still habe my wisdome teeth#lol me at any party: i am waiting patiently until i can leave.#like its weird bc those r the time when ppl bond and make memories and all that but everytime someone calls back to events that ive been#there fore it baffles me bc im like. yea that was a thing that happened. i dont really have any feelings abt it so idk y u r recalling it#fondly??? plus my ears r kinda fucked so it was hard to focus on individual conversations#ay im so scatterbrained. thats what happens when u get little sleep and dont allow ur self to chill. ill just crunch myself into a lil ball#at least my boss tried to reassure me that id get accepted somewhere phd wise. but i will not relax until its official so rip#i just really want 2 specific schools to work out bc one is close to home and the other i can prob get good classes and opportunities#ugh i need to sleep. but im not tired :-P#unrelated
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
so cool
>cant upload images on desktop >tries to send a message to help desk >cant finish processing message
#xDDDDDD#i dont want to have to retype all of that you piece of shit website#like ok i know you guys see me post pictures on here right#do you know how ive had to do it everytime? let me tell you.#i try to just use desktop first bc hey maybe this time it'll work#it doesnt.#so i take the image and send it to myself on discord#i open discord on my phone and download the image#i open the tumblr app on my phone. and THEN i post the image.#do you see how many more steps that is? do you see how absurd this is. that i have to do this everytime.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hhh
#i understand how frustrated she is#and her sadness makes me feel horrible#she thinks that when shes emotional i stop caring about her but i dont know how to tell her its the opposite#i care more than anythin about her#i guess sometimes i dont show it enough when shes emotional but i guess i just have to find a better way to show her i care and love her.#if positiviry doesnt work and being rational doesnt work and neither does comfort or advice ill just figure out something that will#i just need to be on the same page as her#i understand how deeply she feels about this i just need to show her that i care and that shes not alone and i know whats going on#i just want her to feel like i truly do care for her because she thinks i dont which couldnt be further from the truth#but everytime i try to show that care it gets misunderstood or it makes her angry#i have to meet her somewhere in the middle so shes not uncomfortable but shes getting the comfort she needs and feels like shes loved#i want her to be able to be vulnerable woth me#i dont want that to go away#i know ive been trying my best and maybe my best just isnt enough#but ill keep trying until the ends of the earth just to make you happy and make you understand how much love i have for you#i just hate that shes going through this right now and ive not been able to help#ill figure this out#i just want her to be happy.#mine
1 note
·
View note
Text
if O2 has a million haters I'm one of them. If O2 has a hundred haters I'm one of them. If O2 has one hater it's me. If O2 has 0 haters I am dead. If the world is against O2 I am with the world, if the world is for O2 I am against the world.
#HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO JUST LET ME SEE MY CONTRACT AND MY BILL??????#O2 LET ME IN PLEASE#just got off the phone w them#had to stop using my aol account bec apparently that was the email associated w the old contract#okay. fair enough#set up a new username and password for this current contract with my gmail email#i log in and it's fine#I'm on phone browser#we thank the guy and hang up#my dad tries to log into my account on his laptop#it doesn't work#we try to use the my o2 app on my phone . and it doesnt work#we try to reset the password and it says your new password cannot be the same as the old one#SO I KNOW WHAT THE PASSWORD IS AND SO DOES O2 AND WE BOTH KNOW WHAT EMAIL I'M USING#AND YET IT STILL REFUSES TO LOG ME IN ON THE APP#I HATE U O2#jesus Christ we never should've tried porting over my old number when i switched phones#lesson learned#i will just get a new number everytime i get a new phone#fuck o2 and fuck phones and fuck me i hate this#sage.words#anyways.....
0 notes
Text
You can also recognize someone by the sounds of their breathing. I do that with my family and it's hilarious when I know who they are when they're trying to sneak up on me lol
bruce is one of those people who can recognize others by the sound of their footsteps, their smell (and ONLY THAT), their voice, just like, anything really
and when other, normal, people find it weird, he just goes "well, tim does it too"
(that's NOT reassuring, bruce)
#i bring this up because i have horroble eyesight which lead to me just automatically memorizing pathways in places i work/live at#so that i wouldnt have to turn on the lights. which has lead to me walking up on my family and coworkers and accidentally giving them#a heartattack. so they try to do the same to me with minimal success. the problem is that im not actually trying to scare them#to me i just legit walk up. any noise i make trying to signal that im behind them doesnt get noticed by them apparently#considering that im currently living with my mother rn she keeps getting jumpscared and has threatened to bell me#my older sibling and i also stay on the same train of thought and can talk at the same time and tone. we got called#ill admit there are a couple of times where i did scare her on purpose but a good 85% was on accident#which she doesnt believe because everytime her reactions are tp funny and i just fall over laughing. she jumps. throws her hands up#screams and everything#me basically: mother im sorry for all the heartattacks but im genuinely not doing this on purpose i swear *cant stand due to laughing*#at my last job though we had heavy and baggy uniforms and steel toes are common in that field metal and plastic bits got carried in pockets#so it took effort be stealthy. but my old job also had a noisy environment most of the time. which lead to hilarious moments#where i (below average height) would seemingly appear out of nowhere and give my coworkers (6ft+) heartattacks. yelling included#i accidentally scared my workplace of 80+ people so much that one of the managers had to tell me to walk louder#the best part thoigh is that because im so small and theyre so tall is that they wouldnt see me at first glance if i was sitting and they#walk in the room. they could walk up right next to me asking where i was and id just look up and say 'right here' and theyd just die#theres nothing more satisfying than seeing macho men scream like a little girl when the only thing you did was sitting still#my older sibling and i are also on the same train of thought when messing with others we can talk at the same time. tone. and mannerisms#we got called 'the twins from the shining' once from an ice cream store worker even though we are five years apart and dont look alike#for as much as most of the times ive scared someone being accidentall. their fear fills me as much and well as a feast does#its because a lot of people see me and think im dainty and innocent. its honestly sad how many people are surprised when i cuss
815 notes
·
View notes
Text
Is anyone here good at making routine schedules because I'm. Struggling.
#i got my uni timetable and now im struggling with the fact that it doesnt line up yo a certain time#so i cant break my day into even chunks#and i dont know why that bothers me so much#it just does#and like idk im thinking very rigidly at the moment#and because i cant get it to work exactly like that i cant find a way for it to work???#like i know it wouldnt and if someone else helped then i think it would work#but my brain right now is like#i DONT KNOW#i know its solveable but it doesnt feel it inside my head#and everytime i try to get it to work it doesnt and i redo it and stress and mmmm#and then i end up having to take a break#im in like mild burnout kinda#its making my thinking like way more rigid and black and white and my sensory issues worse#and its dealable with#ive had worse and once im back at uni and in a routine it actually works itself out#but until then my brain is just like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
0 notes
Text
The universe told me to stop and reflect. The universe told me "don't escape the safe place you've built, learn to see it as home again. Reinforce the barricades and the borders, define your home, name your boundaries. Define what is safe for you and cut what is not. Be okay with your decision and while you do that learn to walk again"
My hands are my voice. I'm finding my peace in the writing. These thumbs have written more essays and fairy tales than on this here heaven and earth Horatio....or at least at a computer. There's no end to the strength and dexterity of my thumbs on my phone. Instead of telling trolls on that inconsequential app Twitter off I spend my time playing with words like preschool blocks and building castles out of cardboard. I am a kid again putting the voice to the thoughts I was too scared to express, to scared to share. I was blinded by the idea of happily ever after and that once the girl gets her prince or resolves her issues, that's supposed to be the end of the story. Aren't you happy now you have a man? Aren't you happy now you had one meaningful conversation with your mom, isn't it all water under the bridge by now?
Now I can say no one breakthrough is not a solution. It's an epiphany and how you respond afterwards is your truth. Will you wake up and try better, wake up and try at all, or will you think that the epiphany is enough and that therapy is a quick fix solution. Will you try at all or stay the same. Will you be there or will you be present, aware, active, engaging. Will you just sit in the room and think that's enough or will you try. Your response tells us everything.
So I sit here in my princess and the pea bed of mattresses and it's soft and home and clean and safe. I still watch fairy tales but now I look at all the characters and think about who's storyline has helped me grow the most in that hour and a half. Who's growth is going to help me with my own and now I find that it changes day to day. I am the hero of my own story and sometimes that means I'm the side character for someone else because my relationship with them matters to me, they matter to me but also by listening to my dear ones woes I can reflect on my own. The advice I give them also helps me. And I practice this when I'm watching a movie. It's not just observing cinematic experience in a moment, it's learning how the story unfolds based on how the director sees it and understanding the use and importance of dialogue. Only the best shows make it hard to choose which storyline applies that day because everyone and everything about the story is working in perfect harmony. And everytime I am different, unique, feeling a singular train of thought that day and the movie, the story takes me somewhere else. They still come with a sick beat and melody to match so some things stay the same. It is me who is different and wiser now. And that is okay. That is called growth.
So that is why it must be that the universe said "nah honey take a chill pill" and zapped me with the fortune of a few broken foot bones and some joint fractures for measure. When they bury me in the ground my right foot will look different from my left. Those bones don't look the way they do when I started this trainwreck rollercoaster called life. So I stay comfy and I wait and I wait. I manage pain and I wait and I wait. I see my doctor take the medication eat food and I eat the right food and I wait. And wait. And wait until my doctor says otherwise. I'm healing, and mending skeletal framework and rewiring my muscles. And everytime I get a little closer to having a normal life again I go right back to bed before waking up to try again. Can't you see that I'm trying?
So you're not welcome here. Your presence isn't safe. You aren't a safe space for me anymore and looking back on it I don't really think you were. I don't know how you clearly must be for other people. You are a volcano ready to erupt at a kids science fair at the earliest sign of Pepsi on Mentos. You are a fire hydrant who's lug nut did not get properly tightened on it's last task. You are a hallowed antique store that is precious to your small community that I'm terrified to enter because I'm not worthy. Because the person behind the counter is analyzing my every move my every breath and tallying every close call or smudged foot print I leave. They're preparing to sanitize every surface, polish every piece, freaking sage your safe zone from the enemy that apparently was me all along. I was walking on eggshells in your safe space, even when you opened it up to me. I was holding my breath Incase I breathed funny and triggered something in you. I was recounting verbal chess moves to see where everything went wrong. And at the end of the day I learned
We are not good for each other. We are not safe for each other. Your china shop is at your exact specifications and new elements are not welcome in your life. And that's your problem because you missed out on knowing me. You missed out on really knowing me. You saw what you could gather in a year and you told me I wasn't good enough. You told me the four deadly words to anyone's soul: you're not good enough. You asked me to change and never wondered what I needed from you if we were gonna stay in each other's lives. Stay as family. Be a family. Family makes room in the shops for you to visit. I wanted to look at your antiques and doodads and any memory you ever wanted to share that was neat or painful or funny or raw. Any memory that told me about you. Your antique shop was in black and white while I was there and all I wanted to do was know what colors went where. I wanted to know who you were in all the funny or scary or weird or nice microcosms about you. What makes you a person and can I be good in your life like I thought you would be in mine.
I guess we answered that question the day I broke my foot. It was the day you tried to fix things. It was the day you broke my heart. The kind of break you've been through before but you thought was behind you. The hurt that reminds you of your mom, the mom who's better over there out of my own book store.
And the worst part is that I know if I told you this you'd tell me that the antique china shop I described is actually a mom and pop OG game stop before game stop became popular. Itd be the hit place with the kids in the district or the kids in the group home or the kids in the after school DARE program rode their bikes and scooters and skateboards to while laughing at lessons and thinking about drugs and how the things "you're too young to mess with" are actually something you can get at the guy from the 711 on the way to the mom and pop store. You'd tell me that the antiques found in here we're the treasures of your youth, that the retro pieces of my time were the norm in yours. That every day nostalgia for you was an era away that I can appreciate like a fine wine. We are different and I was trying to understand what was in your store. I was trying to understand why this mom and pop shop stayed at this block with this community and supported this family and these kids. Why is this a safe place for others and not a safe space for me. I was trying to understand. Do you hear that? I was trying. to. understand. And you let me explore for a little bit I think I sneezed or laughed with you about something or maybe it was a comment or my body language or my attitude but I also could have just breathed wrong and you put up hazards saying "this place isn't safe with my little sister anymore" with everyone in your life on alert to figure out how to keep a sniper rifle trained on me. And from that first offense, every little mistake I made got worse, there was no end to punishments or tough fam conversations. I left a job because of that kind of treatment why are you surprised I blocked you? Why did you make your hurt my problem at the end of everything when I told you it was over and that I was done. Why are you like this? I hope you answer that question later for yourself one day so I'll say it again for spiciness. Why. are. you. like. this? Why can't you change?
The worst part about it is I know how you'll respond to all this and it goes a little something like this: you'd respond in a way that would make it about you just so you could have the last say and end this on a note where your hurt is my problem (again) and you would end it in a way that would prompt me to respond. You talk to hurt and be right so you can sleep at night and I talk to heal and grow. We're different. And when things go bad, things are worse before the bull breaks the retro shop.
The bull was you all along. Please know that before we talk again.
#things i wish i could say#things i wish i told my sister#a word in edgewise#i think i was writing a warm up earlier about something else and then this came out#so this became my first draft of something i wish i had told my sister when i finally cut her off#monologues#monologuesque#id write a soliloquy in ny sleep if it would mean she would change#i wanted to work things out so badly#honestly just for her wife at the end but still. i found two big sisters for the price of one#and her wife was more a sister to me than my actual sister was#her wife gets angry but she doesnt get mean#and she would never yell at me#or make me feel like im not enough#i got the message loud and clear from my own mother if my sister is just gonna keep telling me that everytime we talk and not also try to#fix her shit at the same time or value my trauma as the same as her own well#fuck out of my life the doors right there#and i dont need you to contact me so ill block your ass on the way out ya asshole#dont be surprised when i dont want to try if you wont either#that kind of relationship is not worth my time until you change yourself#fuck you for hurting me and then thinking you can brush it away with an apology#the hurts still there dickhead#okay im done#theres obviously a lot left unsaid and i wish more than anything i could just out it behind me once and for all#but things still feel unresolved and i just know#i just know. shes going to show up after a cool enough period when things are good for her and shes feeling a high and she wants to brag#and tell me shes right and that she was kind of wrong but shes still right and i know that mentality will be sooo hard for her to break bc#its the only mechanism she has to help her sleep at night#anyway grrr#writing
0 notes