#ill admit there are a couple of times where i did scare her on purpose but a good 85% was on accident

[why-rock-look-tasty-if-no-eat]

You can also recognize someone by the sounds of their breathing. I do that with my family and it's hilarious when I know who they are when they're trying to sneak up on me lol

bruce is one of those people who can recognize others by the sound of their footsteps, their smell (and ONLY THAT), their voice, just like, anything really

and when other, normal, people find it weird, he just goes "well, tim does it too"

(that's NOT reassuring, bruce)

[nialltlynch]

kk 2022 reading roundup

total books read this year: 41!! (which is a lot. to me)

my goal, as it has been the past couple years, is at least two books per month. and. dear reader, in the interest of being truthful and fair, I did not meet my goal. july wasnt a great month for both for interpersonal reasons and also because I was coming down the high of having read the gideon the ninth and harrow the ninth. so like. everything kinda tasted like dirt yknow what I mean? I read ZERO books that month. other than that, I did read a bit more than I did last year so it's a win all around

overall I do feel like this was a bit weaker. the majority of the books were fine. interesting enough to finish but not really memorable once closed. not as many of them hit quite very hard BUT the ones that did were INSANEEEEEEEE which! fine! okay! not all books are going to be mind blowers but I think it made reading this year feel a little bit more like a slog than previous. blah. you win some you lose some.

that being said, im only counting books that ive finished but I did start far more books that I ended up not finishing. I mayyyyy come back to some because I might not have been in the right place but idk. im still a very picky reader I think.

random observations:

i overwhelmingly read women writers. this is not by design. kinda neat i guess

i purposely try to read a variety of authors instead of delving into one author's bibliography (except shirley jackson, who has my heart). maybe next year I'll try to read more deeply into author's I enjoy??? we shall see

im surprised that apparently my top genre for the year is horror? i think the bulk of that is because shirley jackson is labeled horror which i suppose i have to agree with though i never considered myself a horror enjoyer. I think id like to delve more into the genre next year but ummmm im squeamish and I get scared and start shaking all over very easy ((:

i should read longer books. ill admit seeing an ebook with 300+ pages and preemptively mentally checking out....... this habit will probably follow me into the new year unfortunately )):

anyway. here are my rambling nothing thoughts on my top 10 reads this year!

top 10:

Harrow the Ninth - Tamsyn Muir | easily one of the most succulent, juicy, mind searingly delicious things I've consumed in..... I don't even know how long. possibly ever. all my thoughts can be summed up as: ooga booga

Hangsaman - Shirley Jackson | ive read a lot of shirley jackson this year and I think ive read all her novels excepts one (the road through the wall). anyway. this fucking book. no one understands the tragedy of being a young woman quite like shirley jackson.

Our Wives Under the Sea - Julia Armfield | this is one of those rare books where a confluence of things I love all come together AND it actually works out. just off the top of my head this book has (and executes WELL): floaty yet vivid prose. sea monsters. a healthy fear of the ocean. lesbians. mundane yet sublime body horror. unanswered mysteries. it's just!!! one of those things you hear about and you're like. there's no way this is actually that good right??? and true it has issues but I personally find the blemishes forgivable. I think my biggest problem is that it feels a bit drawn out but the vibes were so pitch perfect i can barely fault it for that. anyway. absolutely had a wonderful time reading this book. I went into it with relatively high expectations (especially for me) and left delighted and fed.

The Bird's Nest - Shirley Jackson | i went back and forth a lot about which jackson book was my favorite this year and it was really difficult because 1) they're all insanely good and exactly to my tastes and 2) this was the year i read the locked tomb so...... dsjkdsjkfd decisions man. ANYWAY the vibes in this book are off the charts

The Sundial - Shirley Jackson | ms jackson does it again!!! you would think that a book about a house that becomes a prison that symbolizes some form of control inhabited by a collection of delusional rich assholes would rank a lot higher since its so so so painfully quintessentially made for kk. it's also funny! I laughed out loud a few times and it was all in good fun. let me tell you. the only times I was laughing during her other books - say, idk, hill house - was at the absurdity of it all. the sundial was legitimately good fun.

Gideon the Ninth - Tamsyn Muir | DO NOT get it twisted. just because this is number 5 does NOT mean this book didnt make me absolutely insane feral. the difference between gtn and htn as far as my love is thin. razor silk spider web fucking thin. but theyre also completely different books so ughfdhfdjh okay. im not going to get into comparisons because who knows how we'll be at it. tamsyn muir is insane (affectionate with a twinge of awe.) i, a guy who sidestepped getting into A Certain Webcomic, have had a tab open for months now with fanfic for previously mentioned Webcomic (that i know next to nothing about) because im just so hungry for more tamsyn. gimme hands waaaarabslkdsb

Salt Slow - Julia Armfield | i read this before our wives under the sea and let me tell you... it set such high expectations. i obviously like her better when she's exploring subdued terror that slowly grows and grows and grows over time but she's very good at the fanciful and the deranged. she's contemplatively imaginative and the fact that she seems to also have a love for the ocean is just gravy for me. she wrote a fun little piece called the ocean is a lesbian. it was nice.

The Last House on Needless Street - Catriona Ward | this book is like one of those old timey anatomy diagrams to me in that i feel that really sums up the overall mood of the book AND also my feelings AND also conveniently describes how i read this book. this is an S-class concept with A-class writing which is delicious and delightful because it's both wonderful as a reader AND a writer. i was unnerved from the very first page and it was equally fun to luxuriate in that slow panic as a reader and to also unravel it through scrutiny as a writer. do you get what im trying to say? (i do feel presumptious referring to myself as a writer but this book really did make me remember why i love writing. so fuck it. I am a guy who writes aka writer)

Calling a Wolf a Wolf - Kaveh Akbar | im still very wet behind the ears insofar as my poetry knowledge goes and ill admit to not really. hmm. well, "getting it" sometimes. im learning! however. that being said. this collection. ooooof. i didn't feel like i had to stretch to grasp the concept. it ate my brain though thats for sure.

Devil House - John Darnielle | this book came to me at a very opportune time because I've been putting a lot of thought into the whole. true crime thing. still chewing tbh (got caught up in other stuff) but it definitely had a lasting effect

[mamatater]

My husband is going through a crisis with his mom and I'm at a fucking loss as to what to do. Sorry for the rant.

So my husband's mom (MIL) is very chronically ill. She has COPD and congestive heart failure from years of smoking, plus advanced kidney failure. She is also overweight, which isn't a problem by itself but makes physical recovery from the other problems difficult. She's currently on an oxygen cannula 100% of the time, and also uses a bipap machine to sleep.

She used to be relatively mobile, but has regressed to only being slightly mobile (she can stand and pivot, and walk a short distance with a walker). Because of this, she requires a lot of assistance; she needs help going to the bathroom, she needs someone (i.e., my husband and I) to shop for her and run arrands because she can't drive or leave the house. My husband has been doing almost everything for her for years and both of us are tired.

So a couple of months ago she got sick (my fault technically; I got a cold and gave it to her) and her breathing got so difficult we had to take her to the hospital. She was in the ICU for about 3 weeks and had an end-of-life scare towards the end before she started bouncing back (her oxygen was about 70% for two days and really heavily altered her mental state to the point where we thought she was getting ready to pass away).

So now she's stable but incredibly weak, and can't even sit up on her own, so she was discharged to a skilled nursing facility (SNF) to give her physical therapy to help get her strength back.

The problem is that she was very iffy about participating in therapy. She didn't refuse every time, but would do it often, and when she did participate, she was extremely difficult. So the head physical therapist (correctly) reported to insurance that she wasn't very cooperative. The insurance then decided that "alive but completely bedbound" was her new baseline (it isnt) and that they were discharging her. They told us this on a Thursday morning, and gave us a discharge date of Sunday.

So obviously this isn't medically advisable to discharge her home. She can't even sit up unassisted. Neither of us are available to give her the round-the-clock care she requires. Plus her gas service has been off for a month and will not be restored for another few days, and it's 20 degrees here right now. So my husband has been strung out of his mind, fighting with insurance and calling everyone who can possibly help him file an appeal. He filed 2 appeals, tried filing his power of attorney with insurance, everything he possibly could. He got about 10 hours of sleep total over the course of that week. Of course it didn't matter though, because insurance purposely made this call at the end of the week so our appeals wouldn't go through in time. So she was discharged yesterday.

We had the thought of just taking her home and arranging home health aids the next day (because of course on Sunday you can't do anything), but we can't get her home safely in my car because it's too small and we can't maneuver her by ourselves. So we called an ambulance and had her taken back to the ER. She's currently admitted but we don't know for how long. Hopefully a caseworker or social worker will call us today to see what we can do.

My problem is what this whole thing is doing to my husband. Both of his parents growing up were abusive, but his mom was the "safe" parent (i.e., she didn't physically abuse him like his dad, but was manipulative and emotionally abusive), so he still clings to her. She has absolutely zero regard for how exhausted he is. She will routinely call my husband from the SNF or hospital in the middle of the night and demand that he come see her because she is uncomfortable in bed and is getting impatient waiting on the nurses. Visiting hours were over at 8:00pm at the SNF and we wouldn't be able to get to her, but she would still call at midnight and beg and cry for him to come move her. Not that she missed him, not that she was lonely and scared, she was just uncomfortable. It's important to note that my husband doesn't drive, so he would either have to walk in the cold over 20 blocks just to move her in bed, or I would have to drive him when I should be getting sleep for work. He would explain this to her and she wouldn't care. She would fight with him for 20 minutes and then say "Oh, okay, I guess you don't love me" and hang up.

I know she's not an evil person, but she is quite literally killing my husband with how she treats him and how exhausting of an environment she is creating. He is at his wits end and crying every night, but he feels that he can't abandon her because she raised him and he doesn't want to be a monster. What's worse is that he is very aware of how she treats him, and has told me several times that when she gets home and settled, he intends to be done with her. I know this won't happen though. I want so badly for him to leave her behind because he is tearing himself apart for someone who doesn't care about anyone except herself. I understand that she wasn't the most abusive of the two parents, but she did a lot of irreparable damage.

He is almost 30 and hasn't been able to find a solid career because she is so demanding of his time. He is in debt because she put utility bills in his name at a young age and couldn't pay the bills. His credit is shot for the same reason. We aren't even legally married because he doesn't want to tie me to his mountain of debt he can't even begin to pay off. She never let him have a life of his own, because his whole life has to be spent taking care of her.

I'm so tired of watching this happen. And I know it's selfish, but I'm also tired of being roped into this. I'm tired of being out into the wee hours of the morning picking him up from the hospital, using all of our free time on weekends doing shopping for her, not seeing him for days at a time because he has to take care of her. I feel horrible. I try to help as much as I can, but I'm also under a lot of my own stress with a new job and still being in school full-time, and sometimes I snap at him, which isn't fair.

I just want this to end. I want him to have his own life. I want to get married for real. I want him to stop beating himself in the ground for this woman who doesn't care. I want us to start our life together. I'm so tired.

[simpsiren]

lee taeyong x reader

“my baby dont like it when you come around”

description. a new guy in college asks you for help to get rid of his girlfriend and slowly falls for you instead through your heated times with him.

genre. ANGST, college au, cheating au, bold/ arrogant reader x shy taeyong

warnings. none? except for the fact that this basically about cheating and having strong emotional tensions with each other, slighty suggestive

a/n. hihii i always thought of doing a ff about their baby dont like it song because its been in my head for so long HAHA also the lyrics are just uHem but yeah so anyways buckle up because theres going to be a lot of angst and tensionn also i didnt notice that i wrote so much like damn aNywAys enjoyy!

you walk into class lazily, expecting the same thing to happen again. as you step into the lecture hall, your eyes immediately went to your seat. you sigh and push you glasses up before walking over.

“i swear when will people stop doing this?” you mutter to yourself, shoving all the gifts off your table, making it all drop to the ground and producing a loud noise. everyone’s eyes are being drawn to your direction. you roll your eyes as mark takes his usual seat beside you.

“that’s the most you got this week.” mark laughs in disbelief, looking down onto the floor. you flash a fake smile at him, making him laugh even more. “its so annoying. none of them even look good.” your eyes scan through the gifts on the floor, seeing one that actually looks decent. you pick it up and examine it closely. mark gets near you and does the same.

“ill keep this one. looks expensive.” you shrug, shoving the expensive looking silver necklace into your bag. mark scoffs, letting his body sink into his seat. “i love the fact that you only care about the value of the gift.” 

you click your tongue and stand up, proceeding to pick up all the useless gifts you received from the random guys on campus and walking over to the trash can, throwing it all away. you hear gasps and mutters around the lecture hall. you clearly couldnt care less, walking back, taking your seat and bringing out your materials.

“it cant be helped that youre the most beautiful one around here.”

“you think i dont know that? people do know that they shouldnt mess with me right? yet i need to keep up with unknown admirers and random texts of confession.” you let out a long sigh, as you rest your chin on the palm of your head, leaning onto the table. 

“you admit youre beautiful. your confidence is truly amazing.” mark comments. you kept your eyes to the front as you watch your professor walk in, along with a new guy you’ve never seen before. your eyes remained on the guy, watching him climb up  the stairs and walking to the seat next to you. 

your attention changes to the professor as she starts talking. but your ears immediately diverted its attention to somewhere else, particularly to the guy next to you. 

“why did you seat next to her? do you know how dangerous that is?” you hear the girl sitting behind him whisper. its no doubt that she purposely whispered loud enough for you to hear, wanting to make your blood boil. you ket your cool and focused on the lecture, taking notes accordingly.

“how so?”

“she’s hard to talk to. she only had mark as her friend and she gets pissed easily. her temper is the worst around here and she’s the most feared. a lot of guys like her for some reason and-” 

“are you done, sweetie?” you lick your bottom lip as you turned around the face the girl. you hear mark hiding his laugh with a cough. “if you are, i really suggest you shut your mouth before i sew it shut for you.” your eyes glared at hers, staring at her intensively. you knew that it scared her when she immediately looks away. you chuckle in amusement before turning back to the front.

you look to the side, to see the guy’s eyes opened wide, with an eyebrow raised. you smile softly.

“lee taeyong.” you whisper, reading off the keychain attached to his pencil case, nodding your head before paying attention to the lecture again. the guy coughs softly and faced forward as well.

the lecture was now over and you start to pack up. you take your time since you know that it would be hectic to get through the large crowd of students who are also exiting as well as being able to avoid bumping into any guys and have them confess their useless affection towards you.

you were however intrigued to find out what’s going on outside when you hear someone whispering about the fact that there’s an extremely pretty girl waiting outside the campus.

by then, only you and mark were in the lecture hall. you figured it would be a good time to step out and find out the reason behind all the talking outside.

as you and mark walk down the hallway to the entrance, you tilt your head as you see a crowd forming at the gate. you sigh, taking off your glasses and rubbing your temples. “how the fuck are we suppose to get out?” you turn to mark with your eyebrows furrowed.

“im sure they’ll move aside once you come in.” mark places his hand on your shoulder and taps it lightly before walking forward towards the huge crowd with full confidence. you swear you can burst any minute as the the mumbles of the people fill your ears even more as you walk closer.

the moment one person makes eye contact with you. their eyes widened and signal their friends to quiet down. eventually, the noise starts to lower down as you made you way through the crowd. eyes were glued on you as you follow behind mark. you swiftly clean your glasses with the cloth in your pocket and put them back on.

as your vision starts to become clear, you notice that the one standing beside the girl is the lee taeyong guy from ealier. you walk over to them immediately.

you turn your head slightly to the back, signalling everyone to get back to what they were doing, and as always, they obey and the crowd dispersed itself. you look back to the front to where the cause of the nuisance started.

you eyed the girl intensively, looking up and down, observing every inch of her. you had to admit, she is quite the beauty. perfect wavy brown hair, almond shaped eyes, nicely drawn eyebrowa and plump pink lips. her body in the black tight fitting dress is amazing. it curved her body in all the right places.

you look up to see taeyong and the girl looking back at you with a raised brow. you faked a wide smile. “i dont think its wise to meet your boyfriend right at the gates of school.. especially when you’re this pretty. id fuck you.” you lick your lips teasingly and chuckle soon after.

“bitch the fuck?” mark whispers. you let out a loud, cunning laugh. “or perhaps...”

your eyes immediately connected with taeyong’s. you saw the fear yet a tint of interest in his eyes. you liked it. as you walk past the couple, you run your hand down taeyong’s chest. taeyong freezes as the girl’s mouth gape open, pulling taeyong away instantly with her arm around his waist. “id fuck your boyfriend.”

your head jerks toward taeyong as you whisper into his ear, but loudly enough for the girl to hear. with that, you wink at the both of them and walk off. mark smiles kindly before following behind you.

“that was... wow.” mark says to you, taking out his phone from his back pocket. you sigh, pushing your glasses up the bridge of your nose.

“honestly who is dumb enough to meet their significant other just outside campus? they should be taught a lesson. and to think that taeyong guy is new.”

“his name is taeyong?”

you nod. mark nods back in reply as the two of you walk ahead to the small secluded cafe shop nearby where the two of you would usually hang out.

“i really hope i dont see him on friday. does he look like he’s the kind to skip lecture?” you ask, taking a sip of your tea while mark drinks his coffee.

mark shrugs, laying his back against the chair. “i dont think so? he has that ‘bad boy but obedient’ vibes.” you eyebrows furrow, but you slowly nod your head as you start to understand his view of taeyong.

“well i hope he wont let his girlfriend and him cause such commotion again. it took us so long to get out.” you whine, looking at the time on your phone. “we fucking got out like 30 minutes after! you know how much i hate getting off campus late.”

mark chuckles, running his hand through his hair. “we know, sweetie. we know.”

“dont call me that i swear-”

“suckass.”

“bitch.”

the two of you laugh happily and take a sip of your drinks at the same time before discussing about today’s lecture.

friday comes and you see the gifts placed neatly on your table yet again. you roll your eyes and slouch into your seat. you are now too tired to even throw away the gifts and you give up doing so.

more people soon start to fill the seats of the lecture hall. when the professor walks in, you notice that the seat beside you is empty. you purse your lips into a thin line and shrug your shoulders, thinking that taeyong isnt going to come today.

“taeyong. its only your second day yet you’re already late.” your head lifts up from your table to see taeyong standing by the door. you rest your chin on the palm on your hand as you were intrigued by him again like the first time you saw him on wednesday. why? you dont even know yourself.

taeyong rushes in and sits down next to you. what surprised you is the fact that the same girl is standing outside. the murmurs and whispers come again. you swear you can get a headache from it.

you see her blowing a kiss to taeyong, making everyone shout and fangirl over her before she leaves and the hall is back to being silent. you turn your head to taeyong, who immediately look back at you.

“is she that crazy over you?” you ask, taking out your pen and beginning writing notes. “yeah. but i fucking hate it.” taeyong replies. you chuckle lowly as your eyes remain on the projector yet you could see taeyong blinking his eyes, as if you had an effect on him.

“she seems rich. you’re after her money, arent you?”

“it’s because i cant get away from her parents.”

“hm its also for the money. i can tell.” you look down at his outfit, a lot of it are designer and authentic clothing items. you laugh softly with amusement.

“why are people scared of you?” your eyes immediately darkens and you slowly turn your head to face taeyong, staring down at him. taeyong sucks air into his cheeks and glances somewhere else. laughing quietly at his reaction, you smile softly.

“let’s just say i have a bad reputation. yet im popular for some reason. its seriously annoying.”

taeyong looks down at the gifts that you have thrown off your table. “i can tell. you seem bold and intimidating.”

you take out your phone to scroll through your social medias in boredom. “bold and intimidating huh? you’re an interesting one. i like it.” you glance at the clock when you hear people starting to pack up. you too start to pack up as well.

taeyong is still seated on his seat, writing down the notes he missed from talking to you. you figured that he couldn’t multitask like you. before you stand up to get out of the hall you turn to taeyong. again it looked like his senses were all heightened and he’s being wary of you.

you got closer to him, faces inches apart. he didn’t move at all. his eyes still on you. you smirk softly, licking your bottom lip as you eyed him narrowly like looking at a delicious candy.

“looks like you arent intimidated by me. i like you.” you whispers softly, laughing loudly as you see mark waiting for you at the door. you quickly got up and went to mark. as the two of you exited the hall, you look back to taeyong. he’s still glued to his seat, not moving, his mouth gaping open slightly.

“oi let’s go.” you hear mark shout as you notice him already walking away. you smirk widely and follow behind mark.

“im sorry what?”

“let me cheat on her with you.”

“no.”

you glare at taeyong as you take a bite from your meal. you and taeyong are having lunch on campus together and it never fails to have eyes glued onto you whenever you’re with taeyong. you’re only option is to hang out with tayeong since mark didnt come today. you have yet to ask him why.

“come on please! if she sees me with someone like you she’ll be too scared to get near me then i can finally break up with her.” taeyong whines, grabbing your cup of iced tea and taking a sip.

“protect your reputation, taeyong. look around. you being with me is already giving people a bad impression of you.” taeyong does what you say, looking around and realising that a lot of people were staring at you two. he turns back to find you picking on your food.

“you’re the only one i know around here. itll only be until me and her break.”

you eyes trailed up from your food to meet taeyong’s. you put your fork down and sat up straight, tilting your head slightly. “what’s in it for me?” people around you know very well that wouldnt do something without getting something back in return. it didnt take taeyong long to know that due to the constant whispers about you around campus.

“ill let you have the money she gives me?” taeyong says nervously. you click your tongue. you were definitely intrigued when taeyong says the word ‘money’. taeyong smiles sheepishly as he waits for your answer.

“ill do it.” taeyong’s face lits up in an instant. you however were smiling devilishly, looking down at your prey. “get ready though. im not an easy one.”

taeyong blinks his eyes rapidly. his eyes definitely says he’s intimidated. but his body says otherwise, looking calm and composed.

“i know. itll be fun.” your eyes widen slightly as you see taeyong smirking under his soft smile. you raise your eyebrows and chuckle in amusement.

“oh im sure it will, ty.”

“you sure that��ll work?” you roll your eyes and rub your temples. you lost count of how many times you have tried to explain the plan to taeyong.

“you said she comes here to have coffee before she picks you up right? she doesnt know we ended early today so we’ll probably run into her. then i’ll just flirt with you or something. just follow my lead.” taeyong nods slowly. 

you shrug your shoulders and let your body sink into the comfortable seat. you and taeyong are at a pretty high class cafe and it felt good to drink some quality tea instead of the cheap ones you have to put up with living as a broke college student.

you drink your tea as you eyed taeyong. he looks anxious, constantly looking out the window and sucking his draw despite his cup already being empty. you groan to catch taeyong’s attention. “you need to chill. have you never flirt with anyone before?” taeyong shakes his head, biting his straw. you gape your mouth and clap your hands.

“no way! you’re good looking. you cant tell me that snobby girl is the only one you ever dated.” 

“she is.”

you choked on your drink, proceeding you laugh hysterically. taeyong furrows his eyebrow. “you better find a better girlfriend once you break up with her ty.” taeyong frowns, running his hand through his silk soft-looking hair. “im not interested in dating.” taeyong mumbles. you only hum in response. 

looking up from taeyong, you see the girl walking down the street, about to enter the cafe. you tapped taeyong’s hand quickly, making him flinch. 

“okay she’s coming, act natural. like how we are now.”

“wait what i-”

you immediately peck his lips to shut him up. taeyong widens his eyes in shock, his body completely frozen at your touch. you smirked widely as you see the girl standing outside, with her eyes filled with anger and her hand clenching into fists tightly. you chuckle in an evil manner. “her she comes.” you whisper in a sing-song tone.

taeyong looks straight at the door as��she finally steps into the cafe and stomps over to your table. you smile widely, putting in your innocent act.

“who’s she, tae?” taeyong doesn’t reply, looking at you. you raise both your eyebrows and roll your eyes. slowly, your fingers crawl up to taeyong’s hand on the table, touching his fingers as you jerked your head to her.

“a friend.” taeyong replies simply.

she scoffs. you ran your hand through your hair. “and why are you guys here?”

you click your tongue and chuckle lowly. you look at her, noticing that she’s eyeing you like a prey. clearly she’s jealous right now. with her arms crossed and eyes. you knew.

“we finished quite early actually. you dont mind me hanging out with him, do you? im sure you know he’s new and im his only friend.” you say softly, turning to taeyong and biting your lip seductively. a smirk slowly creeped up taeyong’s mouth. you’re surprised that he suddenly looks confident rather than the first time you two met when he was looking all intimidated and nervous around you.

“yeah, its true.” taeyong winks playfully at you. you only hum in response before looking up to the girl. she furrows her eyebrows in anger.

“hm you wanna hang out with him, right? alright ill leave.” you stand up and shove your phone into your back pocket. as you walk past behind taeyong, you bend down beside him and got close to his ear, acting as if you were whispering something as you stared at the girl. oh the look on her face. you laugh inside your head. you stand up straight and ran your fingers seductively behind taeyong’s shoulders before exiting the cafe. you could have sworn that you heard her growling under her breathe.

“you should have seen the look on her face!” you laugh crazily, slamming your hand against your thigh and taking another sip of mark’s drink. you were too lazy to buy your own.

“man why didn’t you tell me all this before?! i would have followed you guys and watch the shit go down.” mark whines. you grin widely and shake your head.

“im so sorryy.” you take in deep breathes to calm yourself down.

“taeyong must have been surprised when he sees you go into that mode. i remember the first time you helped me get my parents to not force me to be in relationships after they knew im “dating” someone like you.” mark chuckles.

“well he was shocked at first. but he surprisingly acted well.”

mark nods his head. you sigh as you look around the campus and you see taeyong walking with his headphones on. you smile softly.

“if you’ll excuse me, ill put on my ‘cheating’ role now and go to taeyong. text me alright!” you stand up from your seat and did you signature handshake with mark before speeding over to where taeyong was.

your hand loops around his arm as you pull him close. taeyonh flinches but relaxes when he notice it’s you. “so how did she react?” you ask, walking happily.

taeyong shrugs and takes off his earpiece, unplugging it from his phone and shoving it into his tote bag. “she was definitely jealous. she gave me a lecture on how i shouldnt be with you cuz you looked like a bitch.” you gasp sarcastically, placing your hand on your chest as you gaped your mouth widely. taeyong chuckles at your reaction.

“a bitch? what about her? tsk..” you roll your eyes.

“i can safely assure you that you’re way better than her.” you laugh in response.

“of course i am.” you wink at taeyong. “also what’s her name? you never told me.”

“soyoung. oh by the way.” taeyong stops in his tracks. you stop as well and let your arm off taeyong’s. taeyong digs into his tote bag. after awhile, he pulls out money. you smile almost immediately.

“she gave it to me. in a way to bribe me not to hang out with you.” you lean forward and snatch the money away and counted it. and boy was it a lot of money.

“she’d pay this much for you to stay away from me? she really is a bitch.” you slid the money into your wallet.

“too bad though. she’ll be seeing me with you more often.” you start to walk forward, but you stop and turn your head back. taeyong was standing still and staring at you. you see him snap out of hid thoughts and shake his head before walking towards you.

“sorry about that. let’s go.” you only shrug your shoulders as the two of you walk out of campus.

“you’re meeting her this sunday?” taeyong nods. you look around taeyong’s apartment. it wasnt big, big enough for two people but he’s the only one lving here. the decor is simple and he place doesn’t look messy. you figured it suited him well.

“we’ll be together before you’re suppose to meet her and have her see us together.”

taeyong widens his eyes and tilts his head. “that’ll be intense.” you raise an eyebrow and chuckle.

“isnt that what cheating is all about, ty?” you shake your head, acting disappointed. you hear him let out a ‘tsk’. you laugh.

“all right. looks like you’re taking me out sunday night. ill dress up.”

“dont you always dress up? your outfits upstages everyone when i see you on campus.”

you peck taeyong’s cheek playfully. taeyong jumps back at your sudden move. you smiled widely.

“you know i always look good.”

you suddenly feel taeyong pulling you and placing you on his lap. you tilt your head in confusion. “what’s this?”

taeyong’s breathing slows down as his eyes glaze your face intensively, as if admiring every inch of it.

“sounds weird but i find you very fucking hot.. its irresistible.” taeyong whispers, raising his hand to twirl a section of your hair around his fingers.

“oh and please book me a grab home. im heading out now so text me aites.” you stand up from the couch and wave to taeyong before leaving his apartment and closing the door.

as you were waiting for taeyong to pick you up on his motorbike, you look down at your outfit. you’re wearing a really short grey pleated skirt with a white lace bralette and a oversized checkered blazer as an outerwear. you don’t usually wear skirts often, but you did need to play the part of being revealing so as to “attract” taeyong’s attention. you put the quotations on attract but you dont even know if taeyong would be attracted or not. you slightly hoped that he would for some reason.

you see a motorbike coming to a halt. you walk towards it as taeyong gets off. he takes off his helmet, ruffling his hair as he went to the trunk. you blink your eyes rapidly as you’ve never seen taeyong look this good. you snap out of your thoughts when taeyong passed you your helmet. the both of you wear the helmets at the same time as you give way for taeyong to get on the bike. after adjusting a little, taeyong jerks his head to gesture you to get on.

“sit properly if you dont want guys staring at your exposed thighs.” taeyong says, his voice being muffled by the shield of helmet. you pull your down your skirt slightly and rest your hand on your thighs, waiting for him to take off, but he doesn’t.

“put your hands somewhere else. it’s dangerous.”

“ouh right right..” you look at your sides to find any handles to hold onto but there weren’t any. you stare down at his back. shurgging, you wrap your arms around his waist and interlock your fingers togther. taeyong turns his head to you and looks forward before starting the mottorbike and driving. you dont even know where you’re headed but oh well.

after a drive of about 20 minutes, you finally feel the motorbike stop. you look beside you and notice there was a restaurant. a very high class one. you gap your mouth open in disbelief as you get off the bike and take off your helmet.

“you have dates to these places often?” you turn around to face taeyong who sighs and gets close to you to take your helmet, nodding slowly.

you scoff, your eyes scanning the entrance of the place up and down. you feel taeyong’s hand snake around your waist. “let’s not go inside yet.” you raise an eyebrow.

“then where are we going?”

taeyong leads you to the entrance of the restaurant, where there are benches aligned. you nod your head once taeyong take a seat on the bench and sit doen beside him.

“the place is secluded so id normally see people making out around here.” taeyong comments, glancing at his phone to check the time.

“well there’s a bar a few blocks down so i guess that’s why.” you only nod in response, looking in front as you watch the cars drive by. it made you think of one thing. “wait what does her car look like-“

taeyong swiftly wraps his arm around your waist and pull you on his lap. you blink at him as he jerks his head to the back of you. you assume that she arrived. you arch your back and let your hair flow down on one shoulder before wrapping your hands around his neck and pulling him into a deep kiss. taeyong’s grip on your waist tightens as you ran you hand through his hair and tilt your head to deepen the kiss even more. you felt taeyong’s hand roaming from your waist to your thigh, going up and down slowly.

for some reason, you were enjoying it. his lips on yours. you felt his hunger, neediness for you as he held you close as if to claim you’re his. you felt the same nonetheless. you liked it a lot. the two of you knew very well that this isnt acting anymore. it was real. the heat and needy tension. you didnt feel such a thing in a long time.

you suddenly flinch when you felt a hand on your shoulder, pushing you off taeyong’s lap. you turn around. “oh look who’s here! its soyoung.”

“the fuck did i just saw you doing with taeyong?” soyoung pushes you back further.

“i was about to have dinner with taeyong here.. but id figure it would be better to get free appetisers instead of having to pay for one.” you say confidently, brushing your thumb over you bottom lip as your eyes stared into hers.

soyoung scoffs and folds her arms. she looks down at your outfit. “you’ve been trying to seduce taeyong from the very start.” soyoung mutters under her breathe. you tilt your head as you grin widely.

“of course that’s what i’ve been doing idiot. taeyong really enjoys being with me though.” you turn your head to taeyong who was smirking widely and eyeing your outfit hungrily.

soyoung rubs her temples. with no words coming out her mouth, she turn away and walks to her car, getting into the driver’s seat and driving off. you slowly turn your head to taeyong who’s mouth is wide open. you laugh hysterically.

“oh my fucking god that was awesome!” you shout, clapping as you sit back down beside taeyong. taeyong smiles widely. “you really do have it in you.” taeyong compliments. you nudge his arm. “if you say you underestimated me i will beat you up.”

“please do. ruin me. every single moment i spend with you makes me fall and want you more. i love the dangerous side of you,”

[lilshotgun]

So here's why i've been inactive for the past couple months on tumblr:

As many of you know, I've been a fairly avid content creator for the warrior nun fandom creating a ton of content for free. I joined a Warrior Nun discord server named Future Warrior Nuns (which is a ridiculous name considering in the show Ava says there will be no more warrior nuns but that's besides the point) and the treatment I received there was amazing. At the beginning. I spoke up about racism and injustices within the community because you cannot escape it anywhere unfortunately and I believed I'd found a community that would protect me and be there for me if i was ever faced with racism or hate.

For clarity, anyone in blue is a moderator. As you go on to read this their usernames and profile images might change so I’ll clarify who is who. I’ll only be using the names I’ve been presented with and only the ones that are most relevant to the situation. 

Fiesta  (white American cis woman) aka Doesn't Kelly, Witch Rhyme

Taz (white Australian cis woman) 

Milan (a very sheltered American transmasculine poc whos uncomfortable talking about racism because they've never had to deal with it) aka Who The Fuck Is Kelly

Rory (white Australian cis woman) aka Stronger Kelly

 But after a while, things slowly started to change. It was subtle and if you hadn't been there from the beginning, you wouldn't have noticed. It started with the moderators spending less time in the server because they had made many of their own servers and spent far more time over there. Which is understandable when you’re a group of friends that all have a common purpose. But the lack of leadership was palpable. I had to sometimes direct fellow server members to proper channels or do a few other things that were supposed to be things that the moderators were supposed to take care of and their lack of care for the server was becoming more relevant. If you were in their little group of friends or kissed their ass then they wouldn't target you unnecessarily. 

    Exactly three weeks later, (and only one week after my birthday in which everyone was super sweet and nice to me) the love and friendship they claimed to have for me vanished completely. For context, people in positions of power, especially in a server, should be people you can come to if you ever have an issue with anything or anyone. They should also be people that can come to terms with admitting their behavior was incorrect when being told so. So here is what happened:

I have always been open about being a transmasculine person of color on all my platforms, and if you know me on any platform you know that. The behavior shown here between me and the moderators was absolutely appalling to me. They pushed my voice aside and only acknowledged Narcissa, a cis white woman, who was agreeing and saying the same things i had because i had asked her in private to help me out because i felt it was unfair that two server moderators were coming at me so aggressively. 

As you can see from the screenshots, they claimed that I attacked Fiesta when i was simply pointing out that her behavior was hypocritical and unfair especially because she is in a position of power and that's something people of power should be aware of. 

I was the only one brave enough to say what everyone was thinking. And that's something I have always taken pride in. Speaking up for others when they are too scared to do so themselves. And that was shown through multiple people coming into my dms to tell me they either felt the same way I did or they felt the way I was treated in the conversation above was unfair. This next screenshot is from a private message from a former manager. 

Narcissa (white cis woman)  received a few apologies from the server managers privately, yet my dms stayed vacant. At this point, they made a “public apology” towards everyone in the server which I forgot to screenshot, and not a single server manager reached out to me in private. But they did share these in the server for everyone to see:

They then opened an anonymous feedback form for us to share if we had any issues privately, which of course, I did, and so I filled it out saying “wheres my fucking apology ~king” so they would know exactly who the response was coming from. I was angry and hurt that they treated me the way they did. I regretted wording it like that almost instantly after sending it. But the deed was done and it was unchangeable. And not too long after, this was posted publicly in the server feedback channel so that everyone in the server could see:

Whether I shared that it was from me or not, she violated the server moderators unanimous statement saying that everything posted in the feedback form would stay anonymous and made my response public using the excuse that me sharing my name made it okay for her to show it to everyone. I was also being informed by other people I’m friends with that the forms that were being submitted were not staying anonymous and that they were being shared from other moderators privately in other peoples' dms.

I stuck around in the server because the people that I had formed friendships with were there and they were special to me and I wanted to be able to talk to them still in spite of everything that had happened to me up until this point. I was much more subdued at this point, I was posting less art and as you noticed I practically disappeared from twitter as well. 

My love for Warrior Nun was decreasing rapidly because the environment had become so toxic and unwelcoming that I felt scared to say much in the server in fear of being banned after seeing one of my trans poc friends banned for saying hi to another member. They had been looking for a reason to ban him for being on my side instead of theirs and apparently found the “perfect” excuse. They deleted his messages and claimed in their private admin channel that he had harassed someone in the server without screenshotting the false evidence first. How do I know this? Because I had a person on the team that valued me as a person instead of as a content creator and what I could give to the server.

I proceeded to curate the server for what fit me best, considering the ridiculous number of channels they created that had nothing to do with the show at this point. And there was an option for members to do that so I used the tools they had provided with and opted out of channels I no longer wanted to see. I consolidated it down to 35 out of 66 channels because some of them had no opt out option. And still, it was way more channels than I'd prefer to be in. I narrowed it down to only ships I actually cared about instead of having a bunch of channels I was never gonna read or say things in. And that's when the manager that cared about us provided me with these telling screenshots.

Why put me in “jail” over removing some roles? It may not have been explicit, but the internalized racism of putting a person of color in “jail” for curating what they wanted from a server is frankly off putting to say the least. "Implicit racism includes unconscious biases, expectations, or tendencies that exist within an individual, regardless of ill-will or any self-aware prejudices." 

And what does carl bot do exactly? It logs EVERYTHING. But only if that feature is enabled. And clearly, in Future Warrior Nuns, it is.

 They didn’t care about me and didn’t care that I was a consistent content creator. For lack of better words, I was one of the biggest reasons the actual part of the server that was dedicated to the show was constantly active and once I became quiet, along with a few other content creators I talked with, the activity decreased immensely. I said things here and there but that was about it. Until I was looking through their emotes. I noticed that they had trans, gay, demi, bi, aro, and ace heart emotes but the lesbian one wasnt there. Which was honestly surprising considering how much of the fandom identifies as lesbian. So I asked for it to be added and after it was, so many people were super happy because of it.

One day later i asked for more Mary emotes because they hadn’t completely brushed me off after requesting for the lesbian pride one. I noticed that Ava, the white character, had 72 animated and still emotes at the time while Mary, the black character, only had 18. And only 4 out of those were positive emotes. Here's that conversation:

I offered up my services to create Mary emotes for them considering I was an artist and content creator and it would be no issue for me at all to contribute but they declined, saying they were working on some themselves and that they would eventually add them to the server. The ones that they had created all looked terrible. They didn't know how to color correct her skin so that it wouldn't look ashy because of the filters used in the show and instead of asking for help from me, an artist of color, they simply did their own thing. And from 18 emotes, it went up to a dazzling 24. 

Needless to say, the racism they claimed not to have was pretty evident at this point. It was shockingly clear that they didn’t care as much about the characters of color than they did for the white and white passing ones. After this entire debacle I didn't even bother trying to ask for more emotes for Lilith considering how warmly I was welcomed with asking for more Mary emotes. 

A little less than two months after the initial incident, I still hadn’t been contacted by anyone on the admin team about absolutely anything in private. It wasn’t until people asked Fiesta if she had reached out to me or even bothered with an apology before she sent me this:

The “apology” was worthless. Too much time had passed since I was publicly humiliated and portrayed as the evil transmasculine person of color to them, and only a select few people interacted with me. I felt completely shut out because of how the admin team handled a difference of opinion. Instead of correcting themselves and admitting they were wrong, they doubled down on the intimidation and bullying  by changing their rules so that they could find excuses to ban or punish anyone they felt was not on their side. 

At this point, my grades were heavily declining. I was already struggling with keeping up with everything on my own due to covid and my mental disabilities. Being a victim of this racist behavior made everything worse. I couldn’t get out of bed, I was barely eating a meal a day because I had no motivation to work so I had little to no money to buy myself food. I was starving most days. And I didn’t ask my mom for help because I felt everything was my fault and that I really was in the wrong and shouldn't have said anything even though looking back at it I wasn't wrong for what I said. I had also been informed that my dad died because of covid and because of all of this stress and depression I had officially failed my classes. 

This is really difficult for me to say because I’m a very private person and I hate asking for help or sharing anything about my private life, but for you to understand everything that was happening to me at the time, this is stuff you unfortunately need to know. 

There’s many more things that I could say about this server but this thread is already long enough as it is and it was hard enough to write this all down. But behind closed doors, the admin team had some of the nastiest attitudes and behaviors you could’ve seen. Had they realized we had someone on their team that actually valued us and others as people, they probably would have kept their blatant ignorance and dislike towards server members hidden better. But white people like oppressing others when they know they can get away with it and this is just another sad unfortunate example that cost me and my fellow friends of color some heavy emotional and psychological damage.     They did wrong and refused to acknowledge it and instead tried to find a way to ban us for not having the hivemind that they so desperately want to control everyone with. If you want to see for yourself, feel free to find a link to a discord server named Future Warrior Nuns. If you look back through their channels, you’ll find most of these conversations either gone or have many messages missing. I hope my story will help understand why I’ve been gone from tumblr for so long and i hope something like this never happens to you.

[tsarisfanfiction]

Too Far

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort Characters: Virgil Tracy, Scott Tracy

So I was rewatching some episodes, minding my own business, when this muse blindsided me out of nowhere.  It’s a lot of Virgil, specifically delving into Virgil’s head and motivations, and this is a playground that is normally locked and barred to me so I have no idea at this point how well it’s ended up from a characterisation standpoint.  Who knows, maybe one day I’ll understand this boy.

It’s not normally Virgil that Scott has to pull up for misconduct.  Episode tag for 3.06 Life Signs.

“Virgil, can you come to the den, please?”

Scott’s voice emerged from his comm with no warning, not even a greeting, and he looked down at his wrist in surprise.

“Is it a rescue?” he asked, eyeing the task he was halfway through and already starting to calculate the fastest way to finish it.  “I’m doing some maintenance on Two, so it’ll take me a couple of minutes to get her ready for launch.”

“There’s no rescue.” Scott sounded… off, but not in any of the ways Virgil was used to hearing.  It was, at least, partially familiar, but he couldn’t place it.  That was concerning, but he couldn’t just leave Thunderbird Two with her dashboard strewn across the cockpit.  Rescues had a habit of cropping up at the most inconvenient times, and that certainly qualified.

“Then… can it wait until I’ve put the panels back?”

The weighty pause on the line gave him the answer even before Scott spoke.  Whatever Scott needed, it was urgent.

“Five minutes, Virgil.”

But not so urgent it couldn’t wait?  Thoroughly mystified and more than a little worried, Virgil hurried through putting his girl back together as quickly as he could whilst still being sure he wasn’t messing anything up.  It was lucky he could do it in his sleep, because his mind was firmly fixed on Scott’s odd request.

Except it wasn’t a request, was it?  As he screwed the last panel back in place, he realised where he knew that tone of voice from.  It was the tone Scott used on Gordon and Alan when they’d done something big brother didn’t approve of.  He hadn’t instantly recognised it because Scott hadn’t directed it at him in…

Virgil couldn’t actually remember.  Normally when Scott was preparing to lecture him, he was laid up in the medbay with an injury Scott thought could have been avoided and there was a strong undercurrent of thinly veiled worry.  That undercurrent was missing, this time, and despite himself Virgil hesitated.

What had he done to get Scott on his back like that?

Reluctantly, he left his girl to answer Scott’s summons – and that was what it was, just like Dad used to summon them if they were in trouble; after Mars and the high of Captain Taylor saying Dad would have been proud of them, the reminder of Dad’s stricter side nestled unpleasantly in his chest.  Scott had even gone so far as to wait for him in the den, rather than seeking him out.

Just like Dad.

Virgil wasn’t scared of his brother, but the little brother in him was scared at the idea of disappointing Scott, and it was that part that dragged his feet along the ground, reluctant to face whatever was waiting for him in the den.

Scott was sat at Dad’s desk, glowering intently at a hologram in front of him.  Virgil couldn’t see what was on it, barring a lot of text, but that wasn’t important.  What was important was the strong, imposing figure at the desk, distinct from his memories of Dad only because Scott was leaning forwards, elbows on the table.

Dad had never sat like that. Sometimes, it seemed like that was the only difference between Dad and his big brother.  Today, with a heavy atmosphere and otherwise empty den – no doubt cleared on purpose for this talk – was one of those times.

But for all that they reminded Virgil of each other and memories threatened to overlap reality, it was still Scott at that desk.  Virgil trusted Scott with every fibre of his being, and it was that trust that shoved his reluctant feet into the den to face whatever Scott wanted to talk about.

“You called?”

Muscle memory – old, old muscle memory that hadn’t been exercised in eight years – led him to stand in front of the desk.  With Scott sat in the chair and him still on his feet, he was taller.  He didn’t feel taller.

The desk did funny things to perception, skewed them away from reality.

The blue eyes that suddenly pinned him in place left him feeling a foot tall, and he didn’t even know what this was about, yet.  There was love in them, because it was Scott and there was always love in his eyes, even after Gordon had poured itching powder in his bed when he was ten and the sheer amount had him reacting so badly he’d had to see a doctor, but it was overshadowed by other, darker, things.

Anger. Frustration.  Disappointment.

Disappointment had a way of affecting the colour that no other emotion could quite replicate.  It was the only shade of blue that made Virgil feel ill to look at.

Scott didn’t say anything, making solid eye contact that Virgil wanted to break but couldn’t.

If the disappointment was heart-breaking, the silence was nerve-wracking.  Virgil didn’t like silence at the best of times, and took to filling it with whatever he could, whether it was music, the sounds that accompanied engineering, or simply lingering in earshot of whichever brother was the liveliest at that moment.

But Scott knew that, and no matter how upset or disappointed he was, he wasn’t cruel.  The silence lingered for barely a few seconds before he jabbed at something on his tablet.

An awful choking sound emitted from the desk’s built-in speakers, as though someone was trying to breathe but just couldn’t.  It was one Virgil had heard many times before – too many times before – but this one was different.

A wave of cold – icy, Antarctica-cold – swallowed him up with the creeping inevitability of realisation, dousing him until his organs felt like they’d all stopped working and the blood had drained from his body.

He didn’t need the sound of Alan’s panicked “Virgil!?” to identify it, and his entire body cringed as he heard his own voice, too full of adrenaline-packed amusement, reply.

The finger that jabbed the pause button was full of judgement.

“I-” he started, trying to find words – an explanation, an apology…

Those blue eyes gave him a look and he quailed into silence.  An excuse.  That’s what he’d been leaping to, but there were no excuses.  Not for that.

“Our communications lines are supposed to be used for mission-relevant information only,” Scott finally said.  The disappointment Virgil had identified in the initial summons had nothing on what was dripping from his big brother’s words now.  “Strictly speaking, there should be no jokes or banter while we’re on a mission, but for the sake of boosting morale, I let that slide.”

He did more than let it slide – Scott was almost as bad as Gordon and Alan for it sometimes, but Virgil knew better than to pedantically correct his eldest brother when he was like this.  Hell, even John tended to let Scott say his piece without interrupting if he got this bad.

“Still,” Scott continued, “there are some jokes that go too far, Virgil, and quite honestly I can’t believe I’m having to remind you, of all people.”

He winced involuntarily. “I know, Scott, I’m sorry.  That was out of line.”  It hadn’t seemed it at the time, not with the adrenaline rushing and a sudden desire to lighten the mood in the collapsed tunnel, but in hindsight, Virgil could see exactly how stupid a prank that had been.

And to do it to Alan, of all people.  His youngest brother who had just admitted to him that he was forgetting Dad and worried about them dying on a mission.  For them to have one of their closest calls to date was bad enough, where it had been a very real possibility that not all of them were going to make it out alive, but then he’d gone and compounded it…

“Virgil.”  Scott pulled him back to the present, and Virgil never wanted to hear his big brother say his name like that ever again.  His admittance had done nothing to dilute the disappointment.  “I’m not the one you need to apologise to.”  Scott at least had enough mercy not mention Alan by name, even if it hung unspoken and heavy between them.  “But we need to talk about this.”

Need to talk?  Virgil knew he was in the wrong, and normally when Scott knew he knew he was in the wrong, he let it rest after pointing it out. Actually having to talk about it – worse, having to stand there and face the disappointed shade of blue – filled Virgil with something not too dissimilar to shame and apprehension.

The thought crossed his mind that he was going to be grounded.  Punished.

“Virgil, why did you do that?”

“I-” he started, but broke off.  Why did he do it?  Adrenaline wasn’t the reason, even if it had played a part in him actually doing it. Fear, too.  Fear that he really was going to die; that he’d just killed himself and abandoned Alan to dig out his dead body.  But that still wasn’t the reason, was it?  Not really.

Scott didn’t push him. For all he was disappointed, and other displeased emotions swirled around behind the disappointment, he gave him time to answer.  But then, perhaps Scott knew he didn’t know and was waiting for him to work it out.  His eldest brother could be a mind reader at times.

Virgil swallowed.  “I…  I wanted to be like Dad.”

The words surprised him as much as they did Scott.  Blue eyes widened, and finally Virgil saw something else, something he was used to, flicker in there as well.

Worry.

“Like Dad?  But, Virg-”

“Captain Taylor’s always going on about Dad, and how Dad never let fear get in the way,” he interrupted his brother, words tumbling out with no conscious thought behind them.  “How Dad always had a plan, and the scrapes they’d get into.  How they always got out of them by the skin of their teeth – writing the book on lunar survival and the asteroid belt’s buckle and landing on Mars in the first place.” He took a deep breath, considered looking away but Scott’s wide, rapidly changing eyes locked his gaze in place.  “And Alan was talking about Dad on the way, all the little things he used to do.���  He didn’t mention what Alan had told him – that had been said in confidence, and there were some things he couldn’t break, not even for Scott.

Instead, he paused to get his rushing thoughts under control.  Scott’s disappointment had faded into astonished disbelief, and that hurt in its own way.

He also still looked like Dad.

“Captain Taylor was talking about Dad, and everyone knows you’re Dad’s son.  And John, and Alan.  Hell, even Gordon.  I just wanted Captain Taylor to see I am, too.”

He knew everyone looked at him and saw Mom.  Even if they didn’t look alike, he’d inherited her temperament and love of music.  They never looked at him and saw Dad.

“I just wanted to be Dad’s son,” he admitted.  “I wanted to do what Dad always did in the stories and lighten the mood, keep the morale up. It was stupid; I know that now.  I terrified Alan.  It was unprofessional and Dad would never have done that at anyone’s expense.”

His cheeks felt cramped, and his vision blurred.

“Virgil…”  There was movement in front of him and then a weight on his shoulder.  He knew that weight – he’d felt it time and time again.

“It was stupid,” he repeated, the words thick in his throat.  “I shouldn’t have done it.  But… Captain Taylor said he’d be proud of me.”

The hand on his shoulder shifted, and then there was a firm warmth around him.

“Of course Dad would be proud of you,” Scott said, mouth a little way above his ear.  Virgil let his head fall forwards until it was resting on his brother’s shoulder.  “Don’t ever think that he wouldn’t be.  You don’t have to be like him, Virgil.  You just have to be like you.”

On another day, in another conversation, Virgil would turn that back around at Scott, who had spent the last eight years trying to emulate Dad.

But Scott had him in a warm, comfortable embrace and the little brother who had been terrified of those disappointed blues lapped up the reassurance that was being offered in their place.  This wasn’t about Scott; this was about him and his stupid spur-of-the-moment idiocy.

And the brother he had no doubt terrified more than he’d realised.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled into the blue shirt.  “I messed up.”

“You’re only human,” Scott reminded him.  “We mess up, and we learn from it.”

Slowly, Virgil nodded. That was certainly a mistake he was never, ever going to make again.

Scott’s embrace was still comforting, but with the little brother no longer terrified, it was the big brother’s turn to make an appearance.  He couldn’t put this behind him, lesson fully learnt and absorbed so intently it was imprinted on his brain for all eternity, until he soothed it over with Alan, too. Reluctantly, he pulled back, out of his brother’s hold, and Scott let him.  Hands lingered on his shoulders just a touch longer, before they fell back to Scott’s sides.

Now that Scott was standing, not sat at the desk projecting Dad, he was actually taller than Virgil, and yet Virgil didn’t feel quite so small anymore.

“I need to talk to Alan,” he said, hoping Scott didn’t notice his voice cracking on their youngest brother’s name.  Blue eyes – no longer disappointment-blue, but back to their default love-and-concern shade – looked him over, before Scott gave him what could almost be classified as an approving smile.

It was definitely approving, even if the twitch of his dimples wasn’t quite enough to qualify it as a smile, and that alone lifted a weight from Virgil’s shoulders.

“You should,” he agreed. “But you should probably clean up a bit, or you’ll scare him.”  It was light-hearted, almost back to the teasing banter of a big brother rather than the Dad-mirage, and Virgil took it for the olive branch it was.

Nodding, he turned to leave the den.

“And Virgil?”  There was something slightly melancholy about that tone, and he turned half back around again.  Scott was looking at him, with a small smile on his face that wasn’t really happy, even if it wasn’t sad.  Just honest. “Even Dad was only human.”

[bakugoubabygirl]

           okay before I start she going to choose one. Don't worry if its not the one you wanted her to choose bc its going to be  a Roller coaster  of emotions and a lot of back and forth for awhile  BC I FUCKING LOVE BOTH  OF THESES BOYS. also  there will be smut soon and it wont be vanilla .  

                                                        YOUR POV

          "Lets go before they find us" I whispered tugging on Bakugou arm.  He didn't say a word and followed me.  " Lets get some food at the stand" I gave him smile. Bakugou followed me he seem kind of moody though more moody then usual .           " Are you going to say yes?" Was he asking about tododroki. I didn't give much thought to that . I like him  a lot but if I was being honest with myself i had feelings for someone else.       " I dont know I like him a lot and i think it would be amazing. But i also think I have feelings for someone else. To be fair they haven't shown no sign of returning this feeling. Maybe I ought to say yes and forget about the other guy like that" I admitted.        " Who is this other guy" He asked. Why was he so damn interested and how can i tell him its him.         "Not telling" I felt my face getting red. Next thing I Knew I was getting pinned against a wall.           " Tell me" He growled. Why was this bothering him so much. If only he knew that telling him would ruin our friend ship . He would never look at me the way I look at him. because I was made to  be the villan.  Bakugou strive to be perfect at everything and I was not perfect.           " Bakugou Its you stupid" Then I broke free from his grasp . I didn't want t o know his reaction or have him mocked me. I hurried and disappear into the crowd.    Still haven't found any thing to eat my tummy started growl. When I heard my name being called out, The next thing I knew someone dragged me off  somewhere quite. I'm so sick of being pulled around today. It was my dad, Honestly I was relived that it  wasn't Bakugou .        " Hey  I know you and how your going to give it all but You need to make sure your head is clear. Ive been studying and your powers  feed off you emotions.  I want to make sure you have a clear head" he said worriedly .  OH god I'm screwed my head is far  from clear.         "  Yeah I'm not focusing on anything right now except for winning" I said and I fake smiled.          " that's Great I Know your going to make me proud. I may be rooting midoryia but Your my number one and I hope you win more." He smiled. Pulled me and for a hug.           " Thank you dad and don't worry Ill cut all there throats open" I laughed.      Then it was time to to go back to the arena.  Time  to face bakugou mental and physical . I think mentally would be harder to do.  Midnight call me and bakugou to fight first.  I try not to think about what had conspire between us earlier. I need to focus to keep my head cleared.              We both step into the ring. Bakugou goes to attack me and I dodge it just in time. Then I Blast one of my purple fire balls at him and he dodge to . This was really upsetting, and I  Take one of my shadow hands out and it wraps around his body. I started to think about how he never loses. He was perfect and every way and would make a fine super hero one day.   something you'll never be  the voice was back again.  

                                                 Bakugou  POV

She had her hand wrapped around me. I  had to escape and then I saw  Her starting to levitate off the ground. Her eyes flash purple there was a gasp from the crowd.  She slam hard into the ground  with the shadow hand. She was Going to kill me.        I jump up and fired another explosion at her this time using more force.  She shield it and then made a big shadowy fist at the ground causing it to erupt . I almost fell but then I caught my balance.  This time I used my full force now that I knew it wouldn't hurt her too bad.       The explosion was so big she couldn't shield it. She was on the ground and lay there for several of seconds.  I walked over her to see if I have won and if she was okay. She started to get back up again and she grabbed a whole of me again.      She grabbed me so tight with the shadow arm I couldn't breath.  My face started to turn purple I was pretty sure I was going to die.  The crowed was screaming to let me go But she wouldn't listen.   " Y/n Please let me go I cant breathe" I try to say but she didn't hear or listen. She wouldn't do this on purpose.  Something was seriously wrong . this was not her. " Y/n Please I love you" at that point I didn't fucking care if the whole crowed thought I was a simp . I love her and I need her to came back. Her eyes turn back to e/c when I said that.    " Bakugou" she gasps and then dropped me. I could barley move I'm pretty sure she won but she just stared at me. Her eyes started to tear up. " I give up" she yelled. Then ran out of the arena . They announced me winner and The nursing girl came to heal up my minor wounds.  I was livid that I won that way. She threw the fight.

                                                                   Y/N POV

     I Brought shame on my dad and my school. I brought shame on myself. The whole world watch it happen too. They watch me turn into a monster. I almost killed bakugou and He never going to want anything to do with me again. I sat outside the stadium on the ground.  I'm no hero I cant even go and face what I done.       I must of sat there for hours and hours. It was finally dark and everyone left. it started  to  pour down rain.   I decided to go back into the arena to pick up my bag and stuff.  It was dark except for a couple security lights. I found my bag when I heard a familiar voice.       " Tch where did you go?" Bakugou asked. Was he still talking to me.        " heard you won congratulation"  I gave him a smile. The air was so cold I could see my own breath. 

                                            BAKUGOU POV 

 " THATS NOT HOW I WANTED TO WIN" he yelled. " YOU GAVE UP THAT FIGHT WAS YOURS"        " I almost killed you .  I was created for one reason and one reason only. The whole now know so to. I let you guys down and I let my dad down. How can I be the princess of peace when I cant even find peace in my own head.  I'm done," I said  tears started to pour out my eyes.        " IF i was the bad guy you would of won. Your powerful and just because its hard your going to pack up then Your not who I thought you were " he scoffed.         " I almost kill you and maybe next time I will. I care about you too much for that to happen" I cried. I started to turn away.  He grabbed my wrist and pulled me agaisnt him.        " I know you wont. You stop because your good and you over came it. we just have to work on it. Please stay if not for yourself then the million you could save with that power.         " I dont know how I stopped myself. All I remeber is blacking out and then waking to see me almost killing youself." I explain.             " I said something to you and then you just snapped out of it" He said nervously .              " Oh well what did you say" I asked.  This could help me find the answer.      " I told you I Love you"  He blushed. This was a side of him I never seen before. I think im falling to. Todoroki was important to me but in the end bakugou been here.  I wasnt sure if I was ready to say it back. I grabbed his face and kiss him. He started kissing back first it was soft but then its starts to get more rough and passionate. He grabbed my ass and pulled me agaisnt him. despite the freezing rain , I felt warm.               He pulled away but remain eye contact with me as he pulled something out of his of his jacket. It was a small box and he handed it to me. " I wanted to give this to you when I ask you out after I won the festival correctly . That didn't go as I plan but I still want to win your heart. please accept this and be my girl. I never done this soft shit and I'm sorry if it not something I'm going to show everyday. Your worth taking my pride down a little I guess" His face was red.       I open it up and it was a sliver bracelet with his name on it and diamonds. It was beautiful and way too much. I had no idea what to say. " Yes Ill be yours" he pulled me into a tight  hug.      " lets go to my place you need to get out of the rain and getting late" he said gently. It almost scared me the way he was being so kind.                                                                      Bakugou POV         We arrived at my place. She look like she was about to past out. Today was a lot on all of us. I didn't really won the sports festival but at least I won the girl. I just got to keep that damn icy hot away from her. I wanted to rip the necklace off of her that he gave her. She mine now.        " Hey you stupid bitch your late" my mom bitch. No good job bakugou or nothing.         " Fuck you too hoe" I said back flipping her off. She was about to really yell, until she saw Y/n  come in after me.             " Hey Y/n nice to see you again. I saw you tonight you should of just kill him and not worry about it' she laugh. The fucking old hag meant as a joke. Y/n face turn white though.  I grabbed her hand and lead her up to my bedroom. She seem like she was still half in a daze.        " Lets get out of these wet clothes. You can wear anything of mine for now." I said awkwardly. I knew we were dating but I didn't know her boundaries . There so much I want to do with her. She needed sleep tonight though. we both did.   she started to strip off in my room.  Oh, she wasn't paying attention to anything really. I couldn't help but to watch in amazement though. She took  off her clothes and strip down till she was naked. I had to use all my self control to not do anything. then she put on one of my T-shirts that looked like a dress on her and then a pair of my boxers.  I strip down to nothing and but my boxers and laid on my bed.     " come here princess" I yawned. She crawled into bed and laid on top of me. She feel asleep instantly but then here phone started going off. I  Pick it up and looks at it.  Deku: hey are you alright. Me and your dad are really worried.    Damn deku fucking worrying about my girl. I didn't want to give her a dad the pro hero a reason to hate me though. Me: yeah I'm fine just staying at a friend house. I'm really sleepy so I'm going to go to bed.   Then there was other messages on the screen so I looked. Todo: hey  Y/n I'm so worried about you. When you see this please answer and I was wondering if we could meet up tomorrow to talk about today and I have something I wanna ask you. I hope your safe and sleeping well beautiful. Oh hell  no. She mine and he going to back the fuck off.  I took a pictures of her sleeping on my chest and I sent it. Me: she mine and she sleeping fine thank you. Back the fuck off  she mine now!!!!!! Todo: I see for now that may be it. I don't give up and I especially wont stop until she mine. You well slip and when you do ill be there for her. Your impulsive and abusive and don't deserve her. Me: You come any where near her your dead I blocked his number from her phone.  I wrapped my arms tight around her and I pass out.    The sun filled the room waking me up. She was still asleep. She was so beautiful and peaceful when she sleep.  Her phone started buzzing causing her to wake.   " Where my phone" she sat up straight looking for it. I handed it to her. The number didn't have a caller id. She scrunch her nose in confusion.     " Hello who is this " she answered.      " Todoroki, are you alright?" I heard him answered.  Great rich boy has more then one phone.     " Yes, what happen to your old phone number?"      " Long story, where are you at?"     " Bakugou house, why whats wrong?" she asked worriedly     " Ill be there In 20" he said and then hung up.  " Do you have anything else I can where by chance?" she asked   " I think you look fine in that Idiot" I snorted grabbing her wait.   " I cant go out like this" she said digging though the bag of mina and kiri clothes that they leave here.      " Your not going anywhere with him and no way in hell wearing that" She hold up a short pink dress of mina. Mina was shorter then Y/n so this dress was gonna not cover anything. She took off my shirt and put on the dress anyways not listening to me at all.    She grabbed my hair brush and tied it back out her face. she look stunning even though she didn't try and its for him.  " I fucking mean it your not going anywhere with him" I yelled.   " Chill out you have to trust me. He one of my friends and I'm yours so don't worry" she said try reassuring me. I almost lost her to him though. He going to try all Kinds of flirty shit. I cant be okay with this but I have too. She will leave if I'm too controlling.   " One hour then come back" I grumbled.  " I have to go home afterwards and talk to my dad" She sigh. She was right even though I wanted some time with her. The door bell ring and I hurried up to open it. IT was half and half baster.   " Leave your hands off of her and no flirty shit or I will Murder you" I screamed and then Y/n push me put of the way. I grabbed her and kiss her so fucking hard in front of him. She push me away and laughed.     " I'm sorry about him" she said. Walking out of the door with him. I kept trying to talk myself out of following them. I decided to invite shitty hair over to distract me.

IM open up to ideas and or request for my one shot books I'm doing. Thank you for read part 7 will be here Thursday at the latest

[all-things-skam]

Jens’ season | Chapter ten (finale)

Saturday, March 7th

They arrived late in Utrecht. Or, early.

Lucas’ father had refused to make the drive but allowed him to go and take the train if he wanted to. Jens get that they were divorced, but still. She was his ex-wife, the mother of his child. She must still have a place in his heart.

Apparently not.

Lucas had been fidgety and tense during the whole train ride, biting his lip and checking his phone every ten seconds in case there were any updates from his dad - who was in contact with the clinic -, but there weren’t.

Jens felt helpless. He didn’t know what to do or even say, having never been in this situation before. A part of him wanted to comfort Lucas, tell him everything’s going to be okay, but he wasn’t a psychiatrist nor a doctor. He didn’t know shit.

So, he stayed quiet, his head pressed against the cold window of the train, his right hand holding onto Lucas’ tightly.

When they got to the train station, someone was there to pick them up. He had blond hair and a darker beard, and seemed older than them. An old friend, Lucas said. He dropped the two teenagers at the clinic and told Lucas to call him if he needed a ride before driving off.

The door of the clinic was unlocked despite being the middle of the night. They walked in and the lady at the front desk frowned, seeing Jens and Lucas walking into the building. ‘’Hello. How may I help you?’’

‘’My...my mom’s been admitted here a few hours ago,’’ Lucas replied, his voice strained. ‘’I’m here to see her.’’

‘’I’m sorry, visits have ended hours ago. You should come back in the morning-’’

Alas, Lucas wasn’t taking no for answer tonight. He was scared and worried for his mother and wouldn’t calm down until he sees her.

‘’No! I took a train all the way here. I have to see her,’’ he insisted, hoping the woman will make an exception for him. ‘’She needs me, I- Please.’’

Still hesitating, the desk lady glanced at them, noticing the tired look on their faces and the backpack on Lucas’ shoulder and sighed, giving in. ‘’Patient name?’’

‘’Lieke Van Der Heijden.’’

She typed in the name in her computer, giving Lucas an apologetic look when reading his mother’s file. ‘’I can’t let you go in the room past visiting hours. But, I’ll call up the psychiatrist on shift and he’ll be able to give you details about your mother.’’

You could see on Lucas’ face that he wasn’t completely satisfied with the bargain, but it was better than nothing.

Jens smiled at the woman. ‘’Thank you.’’

.

Jens didn’t go in.

He waited on a couch in the waiting area of the clinic while Lucas went to talk with the doctor, not wanting to intrude Mrs. Van Der Heijden’s privacy. While Lucas wanted him by his side at the clinic, it didn’t mean Jens had to be all up in their businesses. And, if Lucas needed him, he’ll come to him.

Having nothing else to do, Jens checked his phone, seeing the group chat blowing up with unread messages and a few personal ones from Robbe, asking what was going on and where the hell he and Lucas went.

Did you guy ditch us to fuck? Moyo had bluntly asked.

In another situation, Jens would’ve rolled his eyes and laughed - maybe he would’ve told him to fuck off -, but not tonight. Instead, he he simply told them that Lucas had a family emergency and had to go home - sparing them the whole details for privacy purpose.

Half an hour later, Lucas returned and filled the empty seat beside Jens. His hair was a mess from touching them so much - a habit he picked up when he was stressed or anxious. Jens slipped his phone back in his pocket, giving his attention to his boyfriend.

''How is she?''

''Sedated,'' Lucas responded, forgetting to laugh at his own bad joke. ''Sorry.''

Jens shook his head. ''It's okay.''

‘’A neighbor called the cops. They said she was acting like a lunatic, throwing out my father's last belongings on her porch since 6am and was planning to redecorate the whole house to 'clean it from his bad energy'. The doctor said it was a psychotic episode. She hasn't been taking her meds for a few weeks.’’

Lucas's parents' divorce was messy and heartbreaking. She truly loved Lucas' father - he was her high school lover -, but the man didn't want anything to do with her after being diagnosed although he had vowed to love her in sickness and health.

‘’I don't understand. She sounded very lucid last week on the phone. I should’ve gone home-’’

Shaking his head, Jens didn’t let him finish. ‘’Don’t do that. Don’t guilt yourself for something you can’t change. You’re here, now. It’s all that matters.’’

‘’If I had been here, I could’ve made sure she was taking her medication. I always do. Sometimes, she forget...and other times, she doesn’t want to take them. When she’s off her medication for too long, things gets bad and she has psychotic episodes. Dad and I tried to have someone from the clinic to come and check up on her, but it’s really expensive and we can’t afford that. That’s what he said. Maybe he doesn't want to pay for her, I don’t know.’’

It was simply an assumption, but Jens hoped it wasn't true. If so, Mr. Van der Heijden was a very shitty person.

Feeling a wave of tiredness hit him, Jens glanced at the clock in the waiting room and then to Lucas who's head was resting on his shoulder, trying to control his anxious riddled brain.

‘’It’s late. Should we head...home? You need sleep.’’

Lucas shook his head stubbornly. ‘’No. I need to stay here. I need to be there when my mom will wake up.’’

''The clinic had made an exception for a short visit and a conversation with the doctor. You'll have to wait till visiting hours to see her. We can't wait seven hours here.''

The night had been long and stressful and Jens couldn't wait to head to bed. He understood Lucas' want to stay at the clinic, but sleeping in those uncomfortable waiting chair would only make him feel sore and shitty in the morning. Lucas needed rest. Good rest.

‘’They gave her medication. She’ll be out for a couple more hours. We’ll come back in the morning.’’

‘’But-’’

‘’We can ask the office lady to call you when your mom is awake. How about that?’’

To Jens' relief, Lucas agreed.

.

It was almost 10am when the doorbell rang, stirring Jens from his deep, dreamless sleep. He groaned, the noise keeping going again and again - unable to ignore it. Who the hell could be at the door so early? He almost yelled at Lotte to go open, but remembered he was in Utrecht, at Lucas' house.

Fighting sleep, Jens opened his eyes - keeping them open was the real challenge here - and saw Lucas still fast asleep beside him. He smiled, soft snores coming from Lucas' slightly parted lips. It took Lucas over an hour to fall asleep this morning, constantly checking his phone every five minutes to see if he had any missed calls from the clinic. Jens had pulled him into his arms and played with his hair, knowing it worked as a kid when his mom would do it.

Now, the doorbell was getting on Jens' nerves and he wanted it to stop.

Carefully removing himself from Lucas' grasp, Jens got up and searched for his pants from yesterday, not about to answer the door in his boxers. He was barely awake enough to function as he walked down the hallway to get to the door, not caring that he was looking like a mess right now. That’s what a middle of the night bus ride and falling asleep at 4am does to you.

Before opening the door, Jens checked through the peephole and saw a short girl with curly hair and a boy with darker skin and messy hair whom he recognized as Isa and Kes.

A frown formed on Isa’s forehead when the door opened, confused why someone else was answering and not her friend. ‘’Who are you? Where’s Luc?’’

‘’Erm, I’m Jens. You’re Isa, right?’’

She nodded slowly, still a bit confused until she realized who Jens was. ‘’Oh my god! You’re Luc’ boyfriend aren't you?’’

Jens nodded, eyes squinting at the brightness outside. ‘’Does Luc knows you were coming? Did he tell you about-’’ He interrupted himself, uncertain if Isa and Kes knew about Mrs. Van der Heijden’s mental illness.

Isa hummed. '‘Yeah. I figured he’d be here in the morning.’’

Jens didn’t have to invite them in, the two walking right in and making themself home in the living room.

‘’Where’s Luc?’’ Kes asked, looking around for his best friend.

‘’He’s sleeping. The night has been long.’’

Kes hummed. ‘’How is he?’’

‘’Not good,’’ Jens honestly responded as he sat down in the armchair.

The trio didn't have time to engage in much of a conversation, footsteps coming from the hallway a few minutes after sitting down. They tried to be quiet to let Lucas sleep some more, but failed. Or, maybe it was the emptiness in the bad that woke him?

‘’What are you guys doing here?’’ Lucas asked, seeing his friends and boyfriend in the living room. He was wearing Jens' hoodie, finding the comfort he lacked of when he woke up to an empty bed.

Isa stood, meeting Lucas halfway and pulled him into a hug. He hugged her back before going to sit with Jens in the armchair, unbothered by his friends' presence.

Kes, on the other hand, wasn't as nice as Isa and looked at Lucas with hard eyes laced with deception. ‘’Why didn’t you tell me about your mom? I had to learn from Isa who heard it from Liv who was talking with Ralf. We’re best friends, Luc.’’

‘’Sorry you weren’t the first thing on my mind when my dad called me to say my mom was in a clinic.''

Kes sighed, changing his tone. ‘’You know I didn’t mean it like that...’’

‘’How is she?’’ Isa asked, switching the conversation.

‘’She’s in a clinic, Isa. How well can she be?’’ Lucas responded, his tone a little too harsh.

Unhappy with the way he spoke to his friend, Jens put han hand on Lucas’ thigh, a silent way to tell him to not get worked up. Even if Isa’s question was stupid to him, it wasn't a reason to talk to his friends like that. They came here because they cared about Lucas and his mom, not to get yelled at.

''Have you seen her?'' Kes asked, blaming Lucas' attitude on stress and morning grumpiness.

''No. Visiting hours were over long ago. I'll be going today.''

''Do you need us to come with?''

Although Kes' offer was nice, Lucas already had an emotional support. ''No. Jens is here.'' He leaned into Jens' chest and Jens kissed Lucas' shoulder over the hoodie, confirming his words.

‘’Tell your mom we say hi, okay?’’ Kes said.

‘’Will do.’’

.

Sunday, March 8th

The past two days had been difficult and emotional for Lucas - and Jens, by bias.

Lucas had spent hours at the clinic at his mom's bedside, just sitting there and watching her sleep most of the time, too high on meds to stay awake. Sometimes, she'd talk to him, but never for long. She was happy that her son was here, but also felt guilty that he had to come home just because she went off her meds again. Lucas denied her wrong assumptions and promised her that he had come here on his free will, that he wanted to be with her, but she still insisted that she was disrupting her son's life and being a burden to him like she was to his father. Lucas knew it was the depression and meds talking, but it still hurt.

When Lucas left his mother's room with tears in his eyes, Jens decided it was enough for the day. Taking care of someone didn't mean allowing them to disturb your own mental health. You need to know when to take some space from them, even if it's just for a few hours.

Back at Lucas', Jens made them dinner while Lucas took a shower. He was a terrible cook so pastas will have to do - not that there was a lot of options to cook with in the pantries and fridge. Ten minutes later, Lucas came out of his shower and Jens brought the bowls of pastas to the living room.

''Talk to me. I need a distraction.''

''Okay...'' Jens racked his brain, trying to think of something to talk about when he remembered that he hadn't told Lucas about the move yet. ''My parents are separating. My mom, sister and I will be moving.''

By the look on his boyfriend's face, Jens realized he should have added more details in the first place. Now, Lucas must be thinking he's moving from Antwerp. He was supposed to distract him, not make him sadder. Well done, Jens...

He shook his head, swallowing his bite of pasta. ''I'm not changing school, don't worry. We are just moving to a new neighborhood where the apartments are cheaper.''

Relief washed over Lucas' face. ''Hopefully closer to mine.'' He smirked and Jens hummed.

They lived relatively close to each other, but they could be closer. Living closer would mean easily meeting up in the middle of the night when one of them couldn't fall asleep instead of texting or take the bus together to school.

''That would be nice, wouldn't it?''

Lucas nodded before snickering. ''As if we don't see each other almost every day already.''

Jens laughed. ''Wanna watch a movie?''

The brunet shrugged. ''If you want.''

''Any preferences?''

''No, you can choose.''

''You trust my movie taste? Be careful what you wish for. We might end up watching the Notebook or some other chick flick shit.''

A small smile curved on Lucas' lips for the first time since Friday and Jens took it as a win.

''I know I must not be fun to be around right now and this probably isn't the weekend you had planned, but I...I’m just not in the mood to do anything. All I can think about it my mom and-’’

Jens shook his head, understanding. ‘’It’s okay. I don’t mind. I like chill nights too. As long as I’m with you.’’

Lucas wrinkled his face in disgust. ‘’Ew. Don’t say that. I’m gonna vomit.’’

‘’You don’t like cheesy?’’

‘’No. Jens?’’ He hummed in response, but didn’t budge. ’’You might think that you aren’t helping, but you are. By making sure I get enough sleep, eat and don’t get stuck in my head too much. You distract me with movies and cuddles - lots of cuddles. All of this helps me a lot, I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend.’’

''Look who's the cheesy one, now!''

''Shut up. This was supposed to be cute, but you ruined it...''

.

Monday, March 9th

Goodbyes, even temporary ones, always hurt.

Jens’ arms were around Lucas, holding him tight, dreading the moment they’ll have to part. If it hadn't been for his mother’s request, Jens would’ve stayed longer, but Fenna wasn’t too happy to learn that her son had left the country without any warnings and skipped school. She understood the situation, sending well wishes to Lucas and his mom, but still wanted him to come home.

Lucas sighed, sad blue eyes looking at Jens. ‘’I don’t want you to go.’’

Give it to Jens and Lucas to make their departures dramatic and seem like they were parting for war when it was only a couple days. They had been standing at the train station for half an hour, clinging to each other and being one of those couples.

‘’I don’t want to either, but I can’t disobey my mom. She’s already mad that I left without warning. Lucky for me, she loves you or else I’d be grounded for weeks.’’

Lucas smiled before pushing his face in Jens’ shirt, not caring that he was behaving like a baby at the train station. ‘’I’ll miss you,’’ he said quietly.

‘’That’s why I gave you my hoodie. It’ll feel like I’m with you when you close your eyes,’’ Jens explained. He kissed Lucas’ temple, his face hidden from view.

‘’I still prefer the real thing...’’

‘’Me too,’’ Jens agreed. ‘’But, it’ll have to do for now.’’

A voice echoed through the station, warning travelers of the trains that will be leaving soon and, sadly for them, Jens’ train was in the list. Lucas recognized the number and clutched the back of his boyfriend’s shirt, refusing to let go.

''My train is here,'' Jens announced, trying remove Lucas's grip from him but also not wanting to part either.

.

Tuesday, March 10th

After dinner, Jens sat on the floor, surrounded by the mess of his bedroom. He was folding and packing clothes, getting ready for the move when a text from Lucas came in and distracted him, abandoning the pile of clothes.

Lucas: I don’t know when I’ll come back

Jens: That’s okay. Take your time. Your mom needs you. I’ll be here waiting ❤

Lucky for him, his mom was there to keep her children on track with the packing. They were moving the following Friday and the whole house had to be packed up. It was a small delay, but doable if everyone helped.

''Have you started packing yet?''

''Yes.''

Fenna looked around the room and raised an eyebrow, not seeing much progress since she last came here to check - which was two hours ago. ''Quit talking to Lucas and pack your bedroom, it won't pack itself. Even Lotte has started putting her toys in boxes.''

Jens frowned, raising his eyes from his phone. ''How do you know it's Lucas I'm talking to? Why not Robbe or Moyo?''

''Because you have that smile on your face when you talk to him. Others might not notice it, but I'm your mom. I see these things.''

A light blush coated his cheeks.

Jens: Gotta get back to packing...😞

Lucas: 🥺

Jens: We'll facetime tonight, okay?

Lucas: I'll wait for your call. Love you ❤

.

Friday, March 13th

A mix of laughters and shoutings filled Jens' bedroom as the four boys battled at video games. They were in the middle of a heated competition between Jens and Moyo when the doorbell went off, forcing them to pause the game.

Jens handed the controller to Robbe, being the only trustable person out of them, and went downstairs to answer the door. A confused frown and a wide grin shared space on Jens’ face, surprised to see his boyfriend on the other side.

''What the-''

''Missed me?'' Lucas asked, a small grin on his lips, interrupting Jens.

Jens' grin broadened and he pulled Lucas into a hug after getting him inside, shutting the door behind. Lucas returned the embrace, snaking his arms behind Jens' neck, missing the closeness of his boyfriend.

''What are you doing here? You couldn’t get away from me for long, uh?’’ Jens teased instead of pointing out Lucas’ tired look, the bags under his eyes looking darker than at the train station on Monday.

Lucas rolled his eyes. ‘’Yeah, I missed your pretty face too much.’’ He squished Jens’s cheeks with his hand, making him pull a fishy face, and laughing at how ridiculous he looked.

‘’I knew it, you can’t get enough of me.’’ Smug look on his face, Jens leaned in to kiss Lucas.

Sooner than usual, Jens’ tongue pushed past Lucas’ lips and Lucas slipped his hands under Jens’ shirt, feeling the warm skin under the grey cotton, catching a soft sigh of content from the taller boy.

They hadn’t had a lot of occasions to kiss more than a quick peck since last Friday and it felt good to share a longer kiss. The weekend had been emotionally difficult for Lucas and his head wasn’t in a mood to make out despite having the house to themselves all weekend.

For a moment, the two boys almost forgot that they were standing in Jens’ entry.

Lucas pulled away, but kept his hands on Jens. ‘’I’m only here for the night, I’m going back tomorrow morning. I came to pick up a few things from my dad’s...and see you.’’

Jens hummed and leaned to kiss Lucas again when loud arguing was heard from upstairs, catching Lucas' attention and making him frown.

''You're having people over?’’ he questioned, feeling bad for taking Jens away from his guests. ‘’I can come back later if-''

Jens shrugged. ''It’s just the boys. We were playing video games. Come.’’

Lucas toed off his shoes and let Jens pull him upstairs.

As they got closer to Jens’ bedroom Lucas’ stomach knotted, worried Jens’ friend will ask questions after the way he left last week at the party. He never gave them an explanation and he was hoping Jens hadn’t told them what happened to his mom. He might be okay to share this personal information with Jens and his own close friends like Kes, Isa and Ralph, but he didn’t want everyone to know.

‘’Now we know why he was taking so long to come back,’’ Aaron pointed out when he saw Lucas behind Jens.

Jens flipped him off and went to the empty spot on his bed, pulling Lucas onto his lap, taking advantage of having limited seating space in his cardboard boxes filled bedroom.

Robbe handed Jens back the controller, ready to get back to the game.

''How are you gonna play with Lucas sitting on you like that? You can hardly see,'' Aaron pointed out.

Jens smirked, feeling confident. ''Don't worry, I can still beat your ass.''

[ppaperheartss]

Godzilla

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x f!Reader

word Count: 5.7K

Warnings: a lil angst, some swearing

A/N: Hey! I really hope you enjoy this, I’ve worked really hard on it. Inspired by Godzilla by Kesha. Any comments or feedback are appreciated!

-

Bucky Barnes wanted to find peace. His whole life had revolved around fighting and angst and fear, and now he decided it was time for that part of his life to be over. It took him a long time to readjust to a life without meaning, without something to fight for. He spent his days wandering around the compound looking for someone he could spend time with, but most of the time the compound was a ghost town. So he kept himself occupied with therapist appointments, catching up on pop culture and exploring different music genres.

(Rumour has it that Bucky was seen working out to Taylor Swift’s new album, but he always denies it regardless.)

He was proud of everyone else on the team. Sam took on the role of Captain America with both hands and was eager to help the country with the pressing issues which the Avengers never got the chance to handle. Captain America is now the frontface for Black Lives Matter and is tackling gun violence one day at a time. He is making America great again. 

Wanda has taken on the role of training new agents and works very close with orphanages in New York to rehabilitate young people who have led traumatic lives. She even introduced the Pietro Maximoff Foundation which aims to find people that had been injured in all Avenger fights as collateral damage and get them the help they so rightly deserve.

Scott spends a lot of time with Cassie to make up for all of the years that they missed together, and he even has another little one on the way with Hope. Though Bucky isn’t very fond of children yet he’s open to the idea of a miniature sized version of Scott running around the compound and causing havoc. Even the thought of it brings a smile to his face. 

Parker recently graduated high school and now works with Bruce a lot of the time in their own lab in the centre of the city to continue on with the work that Tony had started. After the whole fiasco with his identity being outed he tends to keep a low profile, taking his time to get used to the spotlight that is everyday life as an Avenger.

Bucky is still coping with that too, honestly. It’s strange walking down a street knowing that everyone probably knows his name and his history, and has an opinion of him, when he has never seen them before in his life. Maybe he has. He struggles with his memory too.

When he was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, it was a strange experience. He had a little knowledge on it from his uncle who had fought in war before him and suffered from the illnesses, but it was different knowing about it and being diagnosed with it he realised quickly. He’s cautious around strangers and struggles to speak to someone who he doesn’t know if he can trust yet, but his therapist Dr. Walker says he’ll develop with time. He just needs to focus on his breathing and find something to distract hunsekd. 

And he did. He went from not being able to open up the door for his takeout - which the app to order said takeout took him just a bit too long to understand - to being able to speak at veterans meetings with Sam in front of a couple dozen people. He connected well with the other veterans, especially those who had lost a limb in war, and found himself looking forward to the meetings for the chance to speak to people who shared similar life experiences and didn’t give him a sad look whenever he opened up about his nightmares. Knowing he wasn’t alone gave him a sense of belonging, something that he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

He retired from the Avengers and moved to a small apartment in Brooklyn that Sam helped him look for. He even went couch shopping with him, making sure that he bought the deepest and comfiest one there. He didn’t mind, he loved how comfortable modern things are compared to the 30s, but he wondered why he insisted on getting that particular one. That was, until one night Sam came to his apartment blackout drunk and slept there for 15 hours straight. He only woke once to complain drunkenly about how small the blankets were, to which received a pillow to the head.

Bucky enjoys having his own place to live. He wakes up early in the morning to go on a leisurely run through his neighbourhood and watch the sky turn from red to pink to blue. He stops at the cafe at the bottom of his street for whatever pastry is fresh and a sweet coffee.

He then comes home to his cat and plants, and spends his days loving and caring for them. He found Alpine on what could have been one of the worst nights he’s experienced in his normal life. It had been raining heavily for hours and Bucky was walking home from therapy when he was jumped by a group of men. In the panic of it all he lashed out, and having not been in the field for so long he underestimated his strength.

A civilian got hurt in the scrapple, but she was so scared of who he was that she refused to take help from him. The police then arrived and Bucky had to fight his case for an hour in the pouring rain with only a running tee on. It was a witness from an apartment block on the other side of the street who came to Bucky’s aid and explained how he hadn’t started the fight and didn’t hurt the woman on purpose. He walked home in a storm of a mood, his whole body shaking with anxiety and the cold seeping into his bones, when he heard a faint meow come from a dark alley. 

He quickly swooped into action without hesitation, fishing the small creature out of the soggy box it was in and shielding it under his arm as he started to jog home.

That’s how he found himself an hour later sitting face to face with a small white cat with eyes he thought resembled his own in a strange way. He knew he was going to keep the cat without hesitation, he just wondered how something so pure could have made its way into his fuck-up of a day.

He even got a job in a coffee shop for a short while when Dr. Walker felt he was ready for it, so he could work on his social skills and how to control situations positively. He lasted a whole month in the shop and he made fairly good relationships with his colleagues and frequent customers, but he was asked to leave one afternoon as they had had a complaint from a daily customer about him. Apparently Bucky has a resting face that looks intimidating, and made the customer feel anxious. He had a tough time in his head that night. It took him a few days of wallowing in self pity and several conversations with Sam and Dr. Walker to realise he didn’t do anything wrong. He had to accept the fact he couldn’t convince everyone he was a good guy, and this is something he is still learning to accept.

He had felt so much misery over his lifetime that he thought he would never get the chance to be happy again, perhaps this new life would be enough for him. Though, he had to admit, that the fact that the only constant human interaction he had on a daily basis would be with store workers when he went grocery shopping, it was starting to make him feel lonely. It was like he lived on the moon, only watching others live their lives from a distance as he lived his own mundane life. That, of course, was before he met you.

You came shining into his life like a beam of sunlight that made him feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. There wasn’t a moment where your beautiful smile didn’t grace your face, and the joy on you radiated instantly made his day a whole lot better. You had been neighbours for quite a while before your first interaction, though you would always give him a chipper smile when he passed you in the hallways to which he responded to with a bashful grin.

Bucky woke up with a feeling something was wrong one day, and his suspicions were confirmed when he got a call from the nursing home informing him that Steve was sick. He knew he had to visit right away, just in case, but he didn’t know how long he would be gone and refused to leave Alpine alone. He couldn’t ask Sam, he was too busy being Captain America and a dumbass to properly care for a cat, so he moved onto what seemed to be his only other option.

The super soldier stood in your door frame (which was just too small for him to stand at his full height comfortably in) with a cat carrier in hand, blue bag slung over his shoulder and a desperate smile on his face. “Hi, I’m Bucky. Barnes. Bucky Barnes. Your neighbour. Room 6? Anyway, I need to ask a huge favour of you. I have to visit a friend out of town but I can’t leave Alpine alone - she doesn’t like it at night, and I was really, really, hoping you could watch her for a few days. I understand if you’re busy or have plans, though!”

You listened to his ramblings with an amused smile on your face, hand on the doorframe and leaning forward slightly. “Alpine?” you mused, eyebrow raised slightly.

His cheeks tinted instantly as he nodded down to the now meowing carrier. “Yeah, my cat. She’s two. She’s lovely, I promise. Doesn’t scratch or anything, she’s a real doll. You won’t even notice she’s there.”

You had bent down to look inside the carrier as he continued to ramble, only to be met with remarkable blue eyes which matched its owner’s perfectly. Cooing softly at her, you look up to meet the other pair of striking blue eyes. “Of course I’ll watch her for you. What else are neighbours for?”

He smiles instantly, shoulders relaxing as he lets out a breath. Holding out the carrier to you with his metal arm which you took instantly, he starts, “Thank you so much…”

“Y/N. Y/N L/N.”

“Y/N.” he repeats, setting the bag at your feet. “My number’s in there if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call. I’m better at calling than texting. Thank you, again, I owe you.” He smiles before waving quickly as you exchange goodbyes, turning on his heel and walking quickly to his car with keys in hand. 

After closing your door you set the carrier down and open it up, lifting out the small white cat into your arms. Smiling fondly, you press a kiss between her ears. You wandered over to your window to see Bucky climbing into his car as he held a phone between his ear and shoulder, and something deep inside of you knew this was the start of something special.

After that first encounter, you and Bucky seemed to be glued to the hip. It started off as a coffee date as a thank you after he got home from the weekend in which you watched Alpine, and you were glad to hear that Steve was well. It then evolved into a home cooked dinner from you the next day because Bucky refused to let you pay for your coffee even though you insisted and you wanted to pay him back somehow. He was always a gentleman with you. 

It then turned into weekly Friday night movie nights to catch him up on what he had missed movie-wise and supermarket shopping together the next morning because Bucky loved shopping in near-empty supermarkets just as much as you. Somewhere along the line you both got keys cut for the other’s apartment and you more often than not spent everyday together, even if it was just spending your hour lunch break from work sitting on a park bench chatting. You both had formed the best friendship possible, so it was no surprise to anyone that you wound up dating. It was meant to be, really. Soulmates. 

But not when Bucky went to the gym, because there was no way you would be caught dead doing physical activities.

You loved being around Bucky; he was sweet and caring and loved to try whatever new hobby you were experimenting with. He would always taste-test your cooking and baking and never say anything mean about it - even that time you made cupcakes and used salt instead of sugar he was quick to force it down and sing its praises. He cries at dog movies and volunteered at the local animal shelter weekly after you informed him one night that he could because he was just desperate for some interaction with the dogs. You were surprised he hadn’t come home with every single dog his first day there because he just wanted them to be loved so much. 

Bucky Barnes was a Saint sculpted by gods who had a heart of gold, and you could never see him any other way. Sure, you knew his history. Hell, you had even written a paper all about him and the Howling Commandos in your college History class, but none of that mattered to you. The Winter Soldier had been gone for over a decade, the trigger words meaningless and the mystery over, and you just wanted to know Bucky. Not his past - not that he could remember much of it anyway - but his and your relationship’s future together and what possibilities come along with that.

-

Bucky loved going shopping with you. He would give you an armful of clothes and make you give him a fashion show, where he would cheer for you and clap obnoxiously and shower you with the sweetest compliments, and you both savoured every second of it. You also had a fairly decent understanding of fashion, so you would help him keep up with all of the trends and keep him looking as gorgeous as he always is. So a Saturday spent together roaming the mall should be the perfect outing for the both of you. If only you could do it alone.

You held his hand tightly in yours, fingers intertwined and palms sweating slightly, but you were sure it was only his that was. You kept him near to know he was safe and coping, because crowds were one hundred percent not his thing. Maybe that’s why recently he had taken a liking to online shopping, because you could still have your famous fashion show in the comfort of his safe, judgemental free apartment. You could feel every set of eyes follow you and the six foot ex-assassin beside you for longer than necessary as they walked past you both, but you kept your head held high. No one was ever going to make you feel bad for loving Bucky. Not now, not ever.

“Oh my God.”

“That poor girl.”

“Stay back, he’s dangerous.”

“Do we just let murderers walk free now?”

You don’t know if the people walking by tried to be discreet with their whispering or wanted you both to hear, but you could hear them so Bucky definitely heard them. Looking up at him as you feel his breathing hitch, you follow his eye line and find a small girl being whisked away by her mother with fear evident on her face. The air around you grew thick, like you could feel his suffocating anxiety grow. He didn’t want to scare anyone, and this sight seemingly pushed him over the edge into a downward spiral.

Tugging on his arm you grab his attention, flashing him a reassuring smile.

“Why don’t we get food? I’m starving.” He simply nods in response, not trusting his voice.

You sit across from him in the booth in the corner of the food court, eating happily as you watch him visibly relax into his surroundings. He has a mountain of food in front of him but you know it’s never enough, and you just grin as he reaches over to swipe some of your fries.

You both talk mindlessly about insignificant things; a jacket that caught his eye, where you’d like to go next, how you both are craving ice cream, oblivious to the numerous pairs of eyes staring at you two. The flash of a camera and a series of giggles catches your attention. You quickly look to Bucky to see his reaction, but just smile at him distracted by his milkshake which has now covered his face. You lean over the table to wipe it away with a napkin before kissing his nose gently, and he smiles happily at you as his cheeks tint red.

“Why don’t we just leave after this?” He looks up at you, and it pains you to see the hope in his eyes at the thought of leaving. “We can go to that ice cream parlour at the bottom of the avenue and have a walk in the park instead.”

You smile at him. “That sounds so much better than shopping, baby. Let me go throw all of this in the trash then we can go.”

“No, I’ve got it. I’ll be two ticks.” He slides out of the booth, pecking your lips quickly as he picks up the trays and walks over to the trash. You still have a smile on your lips as you pull on your jacket and pick up your purse, but it fades quickly when you hear a crash and yells from behind you.

Jumping out of the booth quickly you turn, finding Bucky standing with a now empty tray between a bunch of chairs and a woman draped across the floor covered in the remains of your lunch. Bucky’s shaking as he tries to stammer out an apology. You assume that they’ve bumped into each other, and with Bucky’s strength she fell back hard. 

People had started to crowd around as the woman went into painfully fake hysterics about how he had attacked her, and Bucky just stood there like a deer in headlights. Pushing through the crowd you run to him, grabbing the tray from his hands and setting it on a table. You take his hand in his, holding onto it tightly, and he leans into your touch to try to make his body as small as possible.

A hush settled over the crowd as the woman’s cries turned into whimpers when she realised she had an audience. “That thing just assaulted me! Did you see it? Doing this to a vulnerable woman!”

A few people murmured agreements to her accusations, and it only made your blood boil more. 

“Bucky is a person, not a thing,” All eyes turned on you, and you only stood taller to secure your confidence. “and he wouldn’t harm a fly. I’m sure this was all just some sort of accident.”

She scoffed as she was helped up to stand from a few bystanders. “He’s a criminal. He knows nothing but hurting people. Just look at that,” she gestured to Bucky’s metal arm that he was now trying to hide away behind his body. 

Just as you tried to defend Bucky, the crowd started getting rowdy again and you felt a tug on your hand. Looking back you see a mortified looking Bucky with glistening eyes. His voice is so weak you almost don’t catch what he says.

“Just leave it, Y/N. Please. I want to go home.” You nod quickly, fixing your bag over your shoulder and delivering the woman a scowl as you turn and practically run out of the mall together. You didn’t want to make a scene, because it always affects Bucky worse. 

The car ride is silent, you in the drivers’ seat and Bucky bouncing his knee beside you, eyes shifting around frantically. You sit in the parking lot of your apartment block for a while, Bucky’s head on your shoulder and your hand running through his hair softly as he finally lets himself go. You stay there until his shoulders ache and he can’t find anymore tears to cry. You hold him close as you walk to your apartment, and he sits on the bathroom counter as you run a warm bath. You drop in his favourite bath bomb, and that at least brings a smile to his face.

He finally begins to relax as he sinks into the warm water and you sit on the edge of the tub, treading your fingers through his hair gently. It’s quiet for a while, but both of your minds are loud. 

“I wish they would see you like I do.” Your voice cuts through the air like a knife. He sighs, shaking his head. 

“They never will. Why should they? I’m a monster.” Bucky sounds weak. He’s tired of living like this, scared that he’ll make one wrong move and his face will be plastered all over the news. 

“You’re not a monster, Buck.” You keep your voice steady. “You're the kindest, sweetest person I know. I don’t care about your past at all, and I… I love you.”

You weren’t planning to tell him you loved him for the first time, but it just seemed right in the moment.  He’s quiet for a while, and you begin to wonder if he actually heard you or has fallen asleep from the warm water and lavender. 

Bucky takes a deep breath before he speaks again. 

“I love you, too.”

You can’t control the smile that takes over your face and you lean forward, planting a kiss on his head. You hear him smile and he moves to see you. The water swishes as he moves. A wet hand cups your cheek and you lean into the touch, watching his eyes stare at your feet as he struggles to get his words out. 

“I love you so much it hurts. I wake up in the morning and see you laying beside me, and I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be. I just don’t want to screw it all up.” He finally meets your eyes. They’ve turned a stormy blue, and you can see all of his emotions swirling around them. 

You turn your head to the side and kiss the palm of his hand, your fingers still running through his hair gently. He leans in, the tension escaping his muscles. He sighs as he pulls away, resting his forehead on yours. You smile at him, pecking his nose quickly. 

“You could never mess this up. You’re my soulmate. Now, how about we have that ice cream now?” the two of you share a knowing smile. 

You squeal as Bucky pulls you in for a hug, both of you laughing as he soaks your clothes and peppers your face in kisses. 

-

“This is wrong, this is all wrong. I told you I should’ve worn a tie! Even Steve agreed with me on that one! I look so stupid wearing, why the hell am I wearing a leather jacket to meet your parents? Can we turn back? I’ll change quickly. Let me cut my hair. Is it too long?” Bucky pulls down the passenger mirror to inspect himself, his forehead creasing as he tries to perfect his already styled hair. 

You sigh as you reach over from the steering wheel and take his hand, bringing it over to kiss his knuckles gently. “You look great. It doesn’t matter what you wear. They’ll love you no matter what.”

He grumbles a disagreement as he sinks back in his seat, changing the song playing through the car radio until he finds a depressing song to play to match his mood. You had noticed he did that a lot after only a week of dating. Whenever he’s happy you will almost always hear Michael Jackson or Queen playing from wherever he is in the apartment, and he had downloaded Spotify’s Sad Songs for whenever he felt down. 

You reach over and change the song quickly, which earns a sharp look from him. You scoff, but you both know that it’s not malicious. “Calm down, Buck. You’re just nervous. We’re having a barbecue, not a fancy meal in a fancy restaurant.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just don’t want them to hate me. Would you leave me if they hate me?” He sounds like what a sad puppy would if it were able to speak. Stopping at a red light, you turn your body to face him. 

“I love you, okay? Nobody will ever come between us, not even my parents. Just flash them that charming smile of yours and they’ll have you hooked.” He smiles bashfully at you, and you grin as you kiss him quickly. 

After that the ride is short and sweet to your parents’ home. Honestly, you didn’t know how they were going to react to Bucky. You hadn’t told them who he was specifically, just that he was your handsome boyfriend who you loved very much. They had always been accepting of whatever life choices you made, even when you decided to drop out of college. They just wanted you to be happy. And Bucky made you happy, so that means they should accept him. 

You held onto his hand tightly as you walked up the driveway, and before flashing him one last reassuring smile you knocked the door. The air was tense and time seemed to stretch as you waited for one of your parents to open up the door. Even you were becoming slightly nervous. 

The door handle jiggles before the door flies open, and you smile fondly at your mother standing in the doorway. Bucky smiles too, though it’s a nervous one. 

It had been so long since he had felt any parental love - he thinks about his family everyday - and as selfish as it sounds he was hoping he could use this as an opportunity to finally have a stable father figure in his life. From the stories he had heard from you, he decided you had lived the life he had always dreamed of. Family trips, game nights, going out for special meals together. Even just the little things, like how you called them every night to say goodnight. He craved stability in his life, and this may be one way he can achieve it. 

She looks between you both, the smile on her face fading the longer she looks at Bucky. Just as you open your mouth you see her eyes flit downwards - straight age Bucky’s metallic hand. He adjusts his hand to loosen his grip on yours and swallows dryly. A strangled gasp escaped her lips before she grabbed your empty hand roughly, tugging you inside and scrambling to lock the door behind you. 

“Y/N! What were you thinking, bringing that monster here!” She searched your face as if she was hoping to find bruises under your makeup, and your blood boiled. 

“What the hell?” You shouted at her. Reaching back you feel for the door handle, but she takes your hand in hers before you can. 

“Do you not watch the news? He’s dangerous.” She pulls away, staring at you like you were crazy. “Has he been lying to you?”

“I know exactly who he is mom-”

“Then it’s… it’s Stockholm Syndrome. I’ve read about that! I think I’m using that right.” she says. You scoff at how ridiculous she’s being, fully conscious of Bucky standing behind the door. She only frowns. 

“I can’t believe you’re doing this. That’s my boyfriend that you just locked outside.”

“Whatever’s you’re feeling isn’t love, honey. I’ve heard everything about him. Did you know he attacked some poor woman in a food court a few days ago?” There's a tinge of pity in her voice, and it only makes you more angry. 

“Oh my god,” you moan. “He is my boyfriend! That’s the James that I told you about! And you just slammed the door on his face and called him a monster.”

Her movements falter as realisation dawns on her face. She actually loves the monster, is what you assume she’s thinking. You turn and swing open the door, only to see Bucky seemingly frozen in place in shock and mortification. He just blinks and stares at you, and you just want to swaddle him up into a blanket and hold him close right on the spot. 

You reach your hand out for him, but he flinches back and stumbles down the steps. 

“Th-This is all wrong. I’m sorry. I knew I shouldn’t have come.” He sounds weak, like a child after being scolded.

He stands there looking lost, like he wants to run away and never come back but is also too scared to turn his back on you. He isn’t leaving you, just the situation. He doesn’t know what to do. Will you hate him for this? Are you angry that he isn’t standing up for himself? But he doesn’t want to shout what he wants to say. He wants to be calm. He’s learned how to be calm. How can he learn to be calm after everything he’s gone through, but no one else can?

Your dad comes to the door and you know things will only get worse. You step down to stand beside Bucky, holding his hand tightly. 

“Y/N, what’s going on here? Who is that man?” Your dad seems just as confused about the situation as you are. 

“Mom just- ugh. I can’t believe this is actually happening.” You didn’t want to cause a scene, just because of the sheer fact that your mom knows about what happened the other day so if one person sees this who knows what it will be escalated to in the media. 

“She ruined today. Today was supposed to be amazing and she messed it all up because she didn’t want to give Bucky a chance.” 

“Sweetie, look at him,” your mom began to defend herself. “Can you blame me? All I know is that he is a killer with an arm made of metal. He could hurt you!” 

“Like you are?” She stared back at you in shock. “You took one look at him and decided he was a monster. He’s a person just like us, and he deserves to be treated like one. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand here and allow you to treat him like that. I love him and he loves me, and that’s all that matters.”

Your dad calls on you as you storm to the car, but you don’t listen. Slamming the door behind you, you push your foot in the ignition and drive away as soon as Bucky gets in the car. 

Bucky doesn’t know what to do. Normally he knows how to help you, but he’s never seen you like this before. You’re shaking, and he doesn’t know if it’s from anger or fear. Fear that you’ve lost your parents? He’s so lost and feels terrible that he can’t help you. 

It takes about fifteen minutes for you to stop seeing red and finally slow down to the speed limit. It was like something else took over your body and you were watching from five feet away. Everything happened so quickly. What actually just happened. Are you in the wrong? Maybe you should’ve told them about him before. You don’t want to have to but you know you should have. Explain it. Him. Bucky. 

Looking over you see him half smiling patiently at you. He’s the one hurting right now, but he’s hiding it so he can be there for you. You don’t mean it, but the look he gives you when your lip trembles causes the floodgates to open. 

He manages to reach over to the wheel and guide the car off the side of the road when the road begins to get blurry from tears. 

“I’m so sorry, Bucky. I didn’t know she was going to do that. Never in a million years did I think she’d do that! She-she’s horrible and nasty and-”

“Y/N, please.” Bucky reaches out and holds your hand, his other reaching up to wipe the tears off of your face. “You don’t mean that.”

“But it’s still not okay.”

“I know it’s not,” he sighs. “I just thought they would be more like you.” He smiles weakly at you. 

“So did I.” You sniff as you lean over, resting your head against his shoulder. His lips instantly reach down to kiss your head gently. 

“Let’s leave it for now, and you can call in a few days. Maybe we can convince them to come around to me. I know you want them to like me.” Bucky’s voice doesn’t sound as hopeful as his words, but he wants this for you. You’ve always had a good relationship with your parents and he doesn’t want to be the reason it’s all messed up. He knows he’s not worth it. Well… yes, I am worth it, he forces himself to think. 

He knows his worth in this relationship. He knows he means so much to you. You mean the world to him. He hopes you know that. But he knows how much your parents mean to you, and he would never want to make you choose. That’s selfish of him. 

You look up at him and smile. “You know I love you, right?” 

He smiles back. “You tell me everyday.” He bends down, capturing your lips in a kiss. 

Bucky still had a long way to go with his recovery, but you made everyday easier. He couldn’t imagine his life without you anymore. You were the reason he got out of bed everyday, the reason he cared for himself, the reason he smiled. 

Who knew Godzilla could fall in love?

[calenheniel]

Queen of the Ashes, a frozen fanfic | Part VIII

Frozen | Alternate Universe | Hans x Elsa | Romance, Drama | T+

They meet as children, each with a secret. Plagued by tragedy, their paths cross again many years later, and their secrets are unraveled.

Follow updates: #QueenoftheAshesFrozen

Read below, or find links to AO3/FF.Net/Wattpad on my Tumblr.

Author’s Note: I didn't intend for this chapter to end up as long as it is, hence the delay in publishing as it required more editing. Further updates are also likely on a biweekly basis as I balance a tight work schedule with this (my true passion). Thanks all for your support and readership.

»��————-　❈　————-««

VIII.

The queen did not sleep well the evening after her conversations with the prince and her sister.

Once her public – and private – meetings with the prince had become common knowledge, even solitude was unbearable for her, and she instructed her steward to pack her schedule to the brim. At first, she managed to keep clear of both the prince and princess for a day or two, and push the inconvenient thoughts and feelings to the back of her mind.

But where purposeful avoidance had been her modus operandi for so many years, she now found it ill-suited to drown out the chorus of whispers, murmurs, and rumors which increasingly pursued her through every nook and cranny of the castle. By the end of the week, she had missed two or three meetings, and instead spent them pacing in her room until snow whipped around her in a blinding flurry.

Her attendance at social events likewise dropped off, as she found that she could not help but stare with undisguised longing at the prince and princess from the other end of dinner tables and large rooms. She was too fearful to approach them publicly, but also too ashamed of her own avoidance to speak with them.

Whenever the urge struck her to try, she was stopped in her tracks by her father’s mantra.

Don’t let it show.

It was not until she received a discreet note under her door one evening that the queen paused to reconsider her current course of action – or inaction, as it were – as the sudden appearance of the small, folded paper stirred her from her endless brooding.

She plucked it from the floor, opening it with bated breath.

I hope you’re okay. I miss you.

She recognized her sister’s flowery script immediately, and pressed the page flat atop her dresser, rereading those two short sentences until the words in them became distorted.

Her face red, she sat down with a thud upon her chair, and belatedly noticed that the snow she had involuntarily conjured was suspended in the air.

She blinked in wonder at the sight, having only seen it happen a few times before; and after glancing at the note again, the snow and ice which had previously stuck to every surface of her room began to disappear.

Her mouth went agape for a moment, and then for an entire minute.

What’s missing for you?

It closed again, and she exhaled.

I miss you.

»» —— ««

Galvanized with a strange sense of purpose, the queen was too excited to sleep, and greeted the morning sun with restless eyes just as it rose over the horizon.

She slipped on her signature blue gloves – defrosted and cleaned – and pressed her crown atop her plaited hair as the final touch before stepping out, walking at a measured pace to the other end of the hallway. Once there, she dismissed the guards nearby and knocked lightly on the door, swallowing the lump of uncertainty that was stuck in her throat.

No answer to her knock came for a few seconds, which then turned into minutes.

Holding her head high, she knocked again, rapping her fingers harder against the wooden door. When she was met with more silence, she sighed, her head lowering in resignation.

In the same moment, the door creaked open, and the groggy, disheveled features of the princess appeared from behind it, the younger woman’s eyes squinting through the sleep that blurred them.

“Who is i—Elsa?” she said, yawning halfway through her question. She blinked slowly. “What are you doing here?”

The queen reddened, looking down. “I’m sorry, I know it’s early. I should’ve come later, but I…” She paused, her lips twisting. “I got your note, and I wanted to speak with you, and—”

“It’s fine,” the princess cut her off. “Just come inside. It’s awkward talking out here.” She gestured for her older sister to enter the bedroom with a tired wave, and the queen complied after a moment of hesitation.

She regarded the room with wide eyes, having not seen its interior in many, many years. It was only a little smaller than her own and had much of the same furniture, with one noticeable difference.

“It’s all very pink, I know,” the princess drawled, rubbing her eyes as she leaned against a bedpost, crossing her arms. “I bet you’re surprised it’s not messier than it is.”

The queen’s nose wrinkled as she tried not to smile. “I suppose Gerda makes sure that the maids keep it tidy.”

The princess smirked. “That’s right. You know it would be a nightmare if I had to clean it myself—just look at the state of my hair!” She poked at the mess of red curls atop her head with a sigh, her white streak still visible at the front.

The sight of it caused the queen’s smile to fade, and at the sudden change in mood, her younger sister’s brow rose. “Anyway, what was it,” she began before yawning again, half-covering her mouth, “that you wanted to talk to me about?” She glanced at her bed, and at the dresser opposite. “Do you want to sit down?”

The queen drew her arms closer to her. “Oh, that’s all right. I don’t mind standing.”

The princess shrugged. “Suit yourself. As for me, I’m just gonna lay back down here for a minute.” She flopped back onto her bed, propping herself up on her elbows, and threw her older sister a questioning look.

“You’re really not going to sit?”

Her older sister’s arms dropped to her sides and she relented, coming over to sit delicately on the chair by the bed. The princess nodded and ran her hands through her hair, trying to smooth it down.

“Good. Now, where were we?”

The queen’s brows stitched together in thought, her fingers interlacing to match. She glanced up at the princess, and then down again.

“I… came here to apologize. For how I left things the other night,” she explained, “and for not talking to you since. I’m sorry.”

The princess blinked. “Oh,” she said softly, her hands dropping to her sides. “I wasn’t expecting you to say that.” At her sister’s remorseful expression, she clarified: “I mean, I’m happy that you’re saying it, of course, it’s just—it’s not like I was upset at you over what happened.”

The queen matched her younger sister’s wide-eyed look. “You weren’t?”

“I mean, I was a little annoyed, sure,” the princess admitted, “but it’s not like this is the first time you’ve ever ignored me, either. Sorry to say, but… I’m kinda used to it.” Swallowing at the small, guilty frown her sister wore, she continued: “It’s like I said that night: I didn’t hear what Hans said to you, but it looked like whatever he said – or did – really upset you, so I figured that you just needed some space afterwards, and tried not to take it personally. I told him the same thing.”

“You… told Hans that?”

“Yep,” the princess said, rubbing the remnants of sleep from her eyes. “He really wanted to talk to you the last couple of days, but I told him to wait until you came around.” Her forehead crinkled. “Of course, I thought you would’ve done that by now, but you haven’t, so…”

The queen frowned at the comment, and the princess looked sheepish. “Not that you had to do anything, obviously—I’m not saying that. The point is that I could tell he was coming on a little too strong that night, and probably scared you off. Right?”

The queen’s frown deepened. “He didn’t scare me,” she retorted, crossing her arms. “He just doesn’t know when to stop talking. Or what boundaries are. And…” She paused, her eyes downcast. “It’s been hard, with all the rumors.”

The princess patted her sister’s hand. “I know, and I’ve gotten my share of that, too,” she empathized. “I think he gets it, you know? How people see him, and how people see him with you. He knows that it isn’t easy for you.”

“Did he tell you that?” the queen asked, her brow rising.

“Yes, actually,” her sister replied. “But I’m not blind, Elsa. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would recognize sooner than him when you’re feeling upset. That’s why I slipped you that note.”

The queen smiled a little. “It did make me feel better.”

The princess smiled back. “I figured it would, or at least I hoped that it would. I just didn’t want you to feel like you were alone.”

Her older sister’s lip trembled at the statement, and said nothing.

They sat in silence for a beat until the princess broke it, her playful smirk returning. “You know, it’s kind of funny: when Hans is with me, he’s pretty laid-back and easygoing, but when it comes to you, he gets so… intense. I can see why you might need breaks from him.”

The queen’s nose twitched. “That’s one way to put it.” She paused. “Did he tell you anything about that day?”

The princess shook her head. “No, not really. He’s very private about his conversations with you.” She eyed the queen with interest, and noted: “You’re the same, in that way.”

“Well, there’s nothing to say,” her sister snapped, and then collected herself, pinching her eyes shut. “Sorry, that came out the wrong way. I just meant—whatever happened, it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have spoken to you, or ignored you, in the way that I did,” she continued, her tone contrite. “Or in the way that I have before.”

She stared at the princess. “He’s not the reason I’m here, Anna.”

“Isn’t he, though?”

The queen blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Let’s be honest, Elsa. Would you even be sitting here in front of me right now, apologizing like this, if Hans hadn’t shown up at your coronation two weeks ago?”

Her gaze narrowed. “I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

“Just imagine what would’ve happened if he’d never written to us that he was coming,” the princess said, “if he never came to Arendelle, and never stayed in the castle with us. Would we have been able to be together like this?” A slow, patient smile broke out on her lips. “I thought for sure you would’ve snapped by now, with everything going on and all these new people around – it’s so different from what we’re used to – but you’ve actually been handling it all really well.”

The younger woman’s expression grew thoughtful. “I still don’t know or understand what happened, exactly, but it was like something woke up inside of you when he arrived. You just… turned into this totally different person overnight. Someone I haven’t seen since we were kids.”

The queen sat stock-still in the chair, her face pinking.

The princess waited for her to gather her wits, which she did—but only after the room had grown so silent as for the ticking of the clock to become audible in the background.

“It can’t be because of him,” said the queen, her surroundings coming back into focus. “He hasn’t—”

“Been here long enough to affect you like that?” the princess finished. “Yeah… I think you might’ve said something like that a few times already.”

The color in the queen’s cheeks darkened at the comment. “Because it’s the truth. You and I were talking and seeing each other more before all this, while preparing for the coronation over the last few weeks. Him being here has nothing to do with it.”

“Elsa,” the princess began with a sigh, “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but all that ‘talking’ and ‘seeing’ we did before he showed up was mostly passing each other in the hallways, or me trying to have a conversation with you and you trying to get out of it.” She added in a more serious tone: “I know it’s hard to admit that he could be the reason it’s happening, but… I don’t think there’s any harm in doing so. It might even make you feel better.”

The queen scoffed. “I doubt that.”

The princess frowned. “Why is it so hard for you to believe that I could be right—that him being here is a good thing for us?”

The queen paused, looking away ruefully. “There are things that I wish I could tell you, Anna—things that are hard even for me to understand, or explain. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to do it. But right now…” She trailed off, looking at her gloved hands, and exhaled. “I have to figure it out on my own.”

“But that’s just the thing, Elsa: you don’t,” her sister pleaded, moving closer to her until she was on the edge of the bed. “You have me – and Hans – now. You don’t have to keep your distance anymore.”

The queen smiled sadly. “I know that—really, I do, Anna,” she replied, sounding tired. “But these things don’t happen overnight. You have to let me do them in my own time.”

The princess leaned back at the answer, her mouth twisting. “Thirteen years isn’t enough, huh? Fine. Take your time, then—as long as you need,” she snapped, “but don’t expect us to wait around for that to happen.”

Her older sister threw her a long, mournful look at the comment, but the princess ignored it, crossing her arms and glancing at the door.

“You can go, now. You probably have some work to attend to anyway, right?”

The queen’s hands, tense in her lap, crackled with anxious, cold energy—but she quickly clasped them together, her father’s words whipping across her thoughts like a harsh wind.

Don’t feel.

“I’ll see you later, Anna,” she said, her voice even and formal, and stood from her seat.

She paused once upright, staring at her sister one last time; when the princess refused to return the look, she finally turned and walked to the door, her fingers shaking as they made contact with the doorknob.

A small spark of ice alighted from them on the metal, and the sight caused her to swiftly open and close the door behind her in a panic, breathing unsteadily as she pressed her hands back at her sides.

Thirteen years isn’t enough, huh?

Tears welled in her eyes for a moment – but no longer than that – as the queen faced the endless corridor again, walking back towards the solitude of her bedchambers with heavy footsteps.

»» —— ««

The queen took her breakfast alone in her room later that same morning, declining to answer the curious look her servant had thrown her at the request.

Chastened by the discussion with her sister, she stared blankly at the food when it arrived. By the time she managed to eat a bit of her scrambled eggs, they were already cold; after several more disappointing bites followed in the same fashion, she pushed the plate away, feeling ill, her fingers tapping along her desk.

Trails of ice followed them until the edge of the wood was fairly frosted over, interrupted only by the knock and subsequent entry of the steward.

Her hand snapped back to her lap as she greeted him with indifference. “What is it?”

“You asked me to remind you a few days ago when our guests would start departing,” he said, not meeting her cold stare. “This is the reminder, Your Majesty.”

Guilt stung at her when she noticed his lowered eyes. “Ah, yes,” she said in a gentler way, rising from her desk. “I’m ready. They’re in the throne room, I take it?”

He nodded, finally looking at her. “Yes, Your Majesty.” He handed her a note. “Here is the list of the ones leaving today, for your reference.”

She came to stand at his side, forcing a smile onto her lips, and took the note from him. After scanning it quickly, she handed it back to him, and nodded towards the door.

“Let’s go, then.”

The steward bowed and followed her lead as she walked out, keeping a respectful distance between them, and in a few minutes they arrived in the throne room. A hush fell over the chattering queue as the queen took up her position at the front of it, standing a step above ground level by her throne.

Her smile was still in place even as she noted the looks of apprehension that some of the visitors leveled at her, and she motioned for the first diplomat to approach.

“Queen Elsa,” the Spanish ambassador began, bowing, “it’s been a true honor to stay with you over the last two weeks. We look forward to continuing discussions over the terms of the trade agreements with you and your council in the coming months, and in the meanwhile, I hope you will pay us a visit soon.”

His smile was as smooth as his speech, and she returned it with a strained version of her own. “Thank you, Ambassador. I hope so as well. I bid you farewell and a safe return journey home. Please pass on my regards to Their Majesties.”

He bowed again, moving to kiss her hand out of habit—but, seeing her gloved hands firmly clasped together in front of her, he merely nodded and was escorted out with his retinue.

She hid a frown as the next man came forward, bowing and beginning in a similar way.

“Your Majesty, thank you kindly for your hospitality and generosity in hosting my countrymen and I. We are only sorry that we could not stay longer to see the fireworks this evening, for I am sure they will be spectacular…”

As he droned on, the queen’s attention drifted back to the conversation with her sister.

Why is it so hard for you to believe that I could be right?

Her well-practiced smile dipped, hearing the princess’s voice echo in the room as clearly as it had that morning. The sound drowned out all others.

…that him being here is a good thing for us?

Her lips curled reflexively, causing the man in front of her to blink in surprise.

“Your Majesty? Have I said something—”

Take your time, then, as long as you need—but don’t expect us to wait around for that to happen.

“No, not at all,” she interrupted, her hands sweating inside of her gloves. Her cheeks were hot as she realized the line had grown shorter in her distraction, and she did not recognize the diplomat and his family who stared back at her. “I just—I have to go. I’m sorry.”

“But Your Majesty—”

The protest was no sooner heard than it was forgotten by the queen, who stepped down and walked away from the scene as if held in thrall by a spell of somnambulation. She did not manage even a parting nod or curtsy on her way out, nor did she pay heed to the offended grumblings and whispers of the snubbed nobles and their entourages still waiting to be received.

The alarmed expression of her steward was similarly ignored as she drifted towards the exit, her fingers twitching as her body perspired.

Conceal. Don’t feel.

The words grated on her as she passed through the long hallways and up endless stairways, and she pressed her hands to her ears, wincing.

Don’t let it show.

“Stop it,” she hissed, panting. Seeing the confused look a guardsman shot her, she realized she was already in front of her bedroom door, and reddened.

“You can go, Haakon.”

The older man’s brow furrowed. “But—”

“Please,” she said sharply, her teeth baring with the request. “I won’t ask again.”

He bowed and left his queen, who watched until he turned the corner to burst back into her room in a flurry of uninhibited wind and snow, the doors rattling shut behind her.

She breathed in great gasps and swallows of cold air, trying to calm herself down; at length, the wind quieted to a soft hum, though the snow remained intact.

The queen grimaced at the sight, and attempted to turn her thoughts back to the rest of her schedule for the day, the endless council meetings that awaited her, the books left on her reading list, or anything at all that wasn’t related to her furniture and shelves and window and carpet, all kissed by winter.

But nothing dispelled the chill in her heart, and as she sat upon her snow-dusted bed, she watched with resignation as ice crawled out from under her tired feet and hands and coated the peaks of snow piles.

»» —— ««

She kept to her quarters through lunch, refusing even a tray of food to be brought to her, croaking through the door that the steward should inform her expectant visitors that she was unwell and should not be disturbed.

One effort after the other to occupy herself failed miserably, and she was left either to pace in wide, furious circles, or to wallow on her mattress, her clothes, hair, and hands long since soaked through with sweat.

Every so often, she would pause by the window to watch the guests as they walked through the gates to the docks, boarding their ships, and sailing away. As they faded into the distance over the horizon line, she would return to her pacing, and another crackle of ice would crawl along the floor.

When the call for the final dinner of her coronation celebrations came, she dismissed it, ignoring the pleas from the steward and her maidservant. The queen gathered from their pleas that the guests had, by then, heard of her erratic display in the morning, and were displeased by her long absence since.

In contrast to her usual embarrassment upon hearing such news, however, she was utterly apathetic to it, and stared with a mix of fascination and dread as her ice coated the door, threatening to freeze over the handle and trap her inside.

She had not experienced her powers in such an uncontrollable state since she was a teenager, after learning of the death of her parents. Even then, she had had a measure of restraint in curbing the spread of the ice from going under her door, so that her sister would not catch a glimpse of it on the other side.

At present, she had no idea if the ice remained contained within her room, or if it had crept out into the hallway beyond. Although a part of her wanted to pretend that she did not care if it had, and accept the consequences of her secret being discovered, the sound of the door handle rattling as the ice drew closer caused a twinge of instinctive panic to run through her.

Don’t let it show.

She rose from her bed with a start, a wild look in her eyes as she cleared a footpath through the snow to the door with a burst of icy wind, and then cracked it open, peering into the hallway to make sure she was alone.

Conceal.

Still drenched from sweat, the queen dragged the hem of her dress along the ground as she broke out into a half-jog, her thoughts jumbling to the point that she did not know where one ended and another began.

Don’t feel.

She winced whenever she reached a corner, looking over her shoulder to check for any unfriendly eyes that might witness her frenzied state. However, when she remembered that all of the guests were out on the lawn waiting for the fireworks to begin, she slowed to a brisk walk, becoming less careful in her wanderings and even grabbing a candelabra off the wall to help light her way.

After some time had passed – how much, she could not tell – she came to a stop in front of a tall, dark door, her breathing short and quick.

Conceal.

It was her father’s voice that had said it, it seemed, and she blinked, staring uncomprehendingly at the door.

“The study,” she drawled, her left hand absently slipping into the pocket of her dress. It pulled out her keyring a moment later, still moist to the touch, and she held it up at eye level, fingering through the keys until she reached the one desired. She slid it into the keyhole of the door without so much as a jingle echoing in the hall, and entered the dark room just as discreetly.

Inside, the queen peered into the darkness, eyeing the familiar trappings of her father’s private chambers without her customary hesitation. She rifled through the papers on her father’s desk, creating creases and tears and piles on the floor as she went; took off and examined old, dusty swords from the walls, then sent them clattering to the ground; and pulled out every drawer from every table in sight, allowing them to topple over when she deemed them useless.

Finally, she turned her attention to the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, and to these she paid greater reverence, merely brushing her hand along the spines. She squinted at their titles, blowing off dust from the oldest tomes in order to make their text legible.

At times, she would remove one from the shelf, and gently peruse its contents—only to put it back in place after a few minutes, increasingly dissatisfied and anxious.

Don’t feel.

“I know, Papa!” the queen snapped at the empty air; several snowflakes followed the echoes of her voice. She sighed, tucking strands of her matted blonde hair behind her ears. “Let me alone. Please.”

The air became still again, and she resumed her search.

As the minutes dragged on and she grew no closer to discovering what she sought, she leaned her head against the shelf in defeat, her body slumping down until she was sitting on the floor, staring up at her grandfather’s portrait through the flames of the candelabra on the desk.

“There’s no use for it,” she murmured, closing her eyes. “I will never be free of it. Papa, Mama, I’m sor—”

Her back suddenly prickled at the sensation of a book pressing against it, and then sliding backwards into the shelf. Her eyes reopened, glancing behind her; shuffling to the side, she rubbed the small of her back with one hand, and pulled out the offending book with the other.

It was thicker in size than the ones around it, and its color a deep red that stood out even in the darkness of her shadow. She propped the book up on her knees, staring with surprise as she realized that, even with her many years of language studies, she could not fully translate the cover text comprised of ancient runes.

Opening the book, she found that everything was written in the same archaic script, and she frowned as she skimmed the pages, only able to make out basic words and phrases. There were a few illustrations included, mostly of natural landscapes. She came to recognize some as ancient maps of her kingdom, wondering at the images of old forests and lizard-shaped fire spirits that no longer inhabited her world.

At length, she came across a picture that provoked her to gasp, her heartbeat slowing to one, long thump.

It was an illustration of an old king lying prone upon a stone slab, his red cape draped over the side and his eyes closed. A small, dark, menacing creature stood behind him with yellow eyes, its strange hands lifted over the king’s body as if in incantation. Smoke billowed out from the king’s forehead and joined a foreboding cloud or aurora borealis above them of green and blue and purple, framed on either side by tall, black, leafless trees.

“Anna,” the queen whispered, still breathless. Her eyes darted all over the page and its accompanying text, and she rose from her seat, laying the book flat atop the mess of papers she had created on her father’s desk.

As she scrabbled and splayed her hands across the pages, another paper slid out from behind the picture—and as she retrieved and unfolded it, the sight within caused a small smile to break out on her lips, her throat choking on a triumphant laugh.

She barely kept her trembling hands from tearing the page in two.

“I—” she said, her breathing quickening, “I have to tell him.”

Without hesitation, the queen refolded it and tucked it into the book to mark the location of the illustration, pressing the tome under her arm as she grabbed the candelabra with her other hand, and fled the room.

»» —— ««

The queen stood in front of the prince’s door, out of breath, her hand raised to knock on it—and then withdrew it to her side, struck by the thought that she had no idea if he was even inside.

Embarrassed, she took a step back, and then another; when her foot moved backwards for a third time, she bumped into the door behind her with an audible thunk from the heavy book under her arm, and she jumped at the sound.

His door opened in the next moment, and his eyes widened upon seeing her.

“Elsa?”

She swallowed, turning halfway towards the hallway. “I’m sorry, I was just going—”

“No—please, don’t,” he said, and opened his door wider. “Do you want to come in?”

She stared with trepidation at the dimly-lit interior, her eyes darting between it and the empty hallway to her right. Eventually, her posture sank a little, bowing her head as she entered.

Inside, his quarters looked like any of the other guest rooms of the castle: a mixture of light and dark blue bedsheets and rugs, and plain white furnishings and walls otherwise. She looked around with a touch of the same interest she had at her sister’s room that morning, noting that the décor had hardly changed since the prince’s first visit to her country, when he was still a child.

The notion caused her face to pale.

“Are you all right, Elsa?”

Startled by his voice, she whipped around to face him, nearly dropping the book. “I—I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” he remarked, drawing closer and inspecting her disheveled, sweat-licked features. “What happened?” He glanced at the book. “And what is that?”

Her mouth grew dry. “It’s nothing,” she mumbled. “I really shouldn’t be here.”

“It can’t be ‘nothing’ if you’ve come to see me, alone, in this state,” he countered, his brow rising.

Another drop of perspiration beaded on her forehead. “Shouldn’t you be out with the others?” she asked, glancing behind him at the window. The first firecracker had just been released, whistling through the sky and popping, causing her to wince. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve never liked fireworks—they’re too loud,” he replied, and crossed his arms. “You’re trying to change the subject. Why?”

She grimaced as the weight of the book seemed to drag her entire body down. “I’m—” she paused, and sighed shakily as she held it towards him. “I didn’t know who else to talk to about this.”

He took it from her gently, examining the spine and cover. “Younger Futhark,” he said, his fingers tracing the embossed runes.

She blinked. “You can read it?”

He shrugged. “Not well. I assume it was the same for you?”

“Yes. I only managed a few words here and there, but…”

She trailed off as she watched the prince find her bookmarked page, his eyes wide – and then intent – as they stared at the same illustration that had taken her breath away only a few minutes earlier.

“Is this…?”

“Yes,” she replied, and pointed to the loose paper tucked in the centerfold. “I found that behind the picture.” As he opened it, she explained: “I think it’s the map my father used to find the Valley of the Living Rock, where the trolls live. The ones that changed Anna’s memories.”

He studied the picture, map, and runes for a time, and then turned to her. “Where did you find this, Elsa?”

“My father’s study. It was tucked away on a bottom shelf, out of plain sight. I only found it by accident.”

“And what were you doing in there?” he asked. “It didn’t seem like a place you spend much time in, the last time we spoke in that room.”

Some color returned to her cheeks as she frowned. “It’s not, but—” Ice pricked at her fingertips, damp and bare, and she closed her hands into fists. “Between our last conversation, and everyone talking about us afterwards, and then this morning, when I upset Anna by accident… I haven’t been able to control it, Hans,” she confessed, her voice dropping to a whisper as snowflakes began to fall around her. “It’s just getting worse and worse, and I keep pushing everyone away.”

The queen’s gaze alighted on the tome with renewed determination. “I thought that maybe I could find something in the study that could help me. And I did, in this book.” She plucked the map from him, holding it up. “With this, I can go back to the Valley, and tell the trolls what’s happened. If they changed Anna’s memories, then surely their magic must be powerful, and they could even help rid me of mine.”

The prince’s expression became unreadable. “Then… what’s stopping you, Elsa? Why come here, instead of going straight into the mountains?”

Conceal.

Her mouth went limp. “I—I just…”

“I’m sorry that I’ve made things difficult for you—truly, I am,” he continued. “I never intended to cause you this kind of distress or pain. And I can assure you that no matter how upset Anna seemed with you this morning, she would forgive your trespasses, because she loves you.”

He paused. “But none of this justifies what you’re planning on doing.”

The queen’s jaw tightened. “How can you say that? If you really understood how ‘difficult’ things are for me here, you would be offering to take me to the Valley yourself.”

He frowned. “If they couldn’t take your powers away the first time, what makes you think they can now? Or that they would?”

“It’s worth trying, anyway,” she said, flustered. She gestured at the snow, which fell interminably. “Anything is better than this.”

“I’m just asking you to think about it, Elsa,” he implored. “Did they help Anna by altering her memories? Did they make your life easier, or better, by leaving yours intact?” His frown relaxed as his tone grew gentler. “Don’t you ever think they might have left you with your powers, and your memories, for a reason?”

She was struck silent by the questions, and looked down, her lips pressing into a thin line.

Don’t feel.

He stepped closer until he was just hovering over her. “Even if it somehow all worked,” he said softly, tipping her chin up to meet his gaze, “don’t you understand what it would mean?”

He tilted his head towards the window, where one firecracker after the other exploded into shades of red and green and pink against the night sky, the applause and “ooh’s” and “aah’s” from the crowd audible from inside the room.

“You’d be just like everyone else.”

She slapped his hand away from her face, pushing him back as her eyes sparked with rage. “And that’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she snapped, her ice streaking out from under her in jagged lines along the floors. “To be like them—to be normal.”

He watched the ice warily, shaking his head. “You just think that’s what you want, because you’ve never been allowed to see your powers as anything but a curse.”

Don’t let it show.

“You don’t know anything!” she cried, snow whipping around her in a furious squall. “You could never understand what this has been like for me—what I’ve done, or what I am capable of, still. You say you’re not afraid, but I can see it plainly right now, in the way you’re looking at me—”

“I’m not, Elsa,” he insisted, and drew closer to the queen, even as her ice began to surround her in thick, tall walls. “If you would just stop this, and listen—”

She thrust her hands out in front of her to keep him away, and her ice followed the movement, shooting out towards the prince in spikes as sharp as knives.

She screamed at the sight, clutching her hands back to her chest and closing her eyes, her chest heavy with terror; but in the same instant, the ice that surrounded her was obliterated, and she was blown back onto the floor by an powerful, pulsating hot wind.

The queen saw black for a moment, her head lolling on the carpet.

“Elsa.”

It was a voice she knew, but it was distant, calling to her as if from across an ocean of fire.

“Elsa.”

It was closer, then—close enough that she knew it was the prince’s voice, and not her father’s, as she groaned, sweat dripping from every pore of her body. She opened one eye, and then another, with herculean effort, propping herself up on her elbows.

She squinted through a haze of dark shapes, feeling the same hot wind as before sweep across her skin, and the scent of burning wood enter her nostrils.

“Smoke,” she murmured to herself as the room came into focus, her eyes widening.

The ice and snow she had conjured were all melting, as if the sun had just returned after a long winter, and she scrambled up until her palms were on the floor, keeping her steady.

“But how—”

“Elsa.”

Her head shot up and found the prince standing in the center of the room, wreathed in flames.

She watched with her mouth agape as his hand reached forward and retracted the fire and smoke through his outstretched hand, standing calm and still all the while. When they were gone, no part of him seemed harmed, for not even a single hair on his head or thread of his clothing was singed—nor was there a single sear or mark upon the walls or furniture in the room.

He approached her with that same, quiet force, crouching down to her level once he was only a few feet from her.

She recoiled from his nearness, pressing herself up against the wall by the door, her knees instinctively curling in towards her stomach. Sweat still beaded on her skin and trickled down her neck in long lines, disappearing below the collar of her dress, and her mind raced.

“I—I knew it,” she stammered, her lip trembling. “It was you, wasn’t it? The boy from the story.”

“Yes, it was.”

She shook her head, her features growing wan from shock and horror. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

The prince paused. “I thought I was waiting until I had gained your trust, but I can see, now, that it was the other way around.” He grimaced. “To be honest, I didn’t think there was ever going to be a good time to tell you. So I didn’t.”

The queen’s mouth contorted as she swallowed bile. “Because you killed them—your father, your brothers,” she rasped, licking her lips. “Those were no accidents.”

His brow furrowed. “No, they weren’t; not all of them, anyway. But I can explain—”

“Explain what, Hans? Regicide? Fratricide?” She dragged herself up from the floor to stand, scowling darkly at the prince. “There is no defense for murder, whatever your reasons might be.”

His gaze narrowed at the queen as he stood. “You say that without knowing anything about it—and isn’t that exactly what you’ve been accusing me of, all this time? Judgment without understanding?”

Her ire swelled, though she was too exhausted to summon even a single snowflake as she struggled to stay upright. “Don’t try to turn this on me,” she spat, seething. “You’ve committed criminal acts for which you should be—”

“What—tried? Convicted? Hanged?” he finished. “I showed those bastards mercy with a death by fire, compared to what I endured at their hands.”

“Immolation is ‘mercy’ to you, Hans?” she asked, and shuddered. “How can I believe you, after seeing this? You’ve been lying to me since the first moment you stepped foot in Arendelle, fifteen years ago.”

He grew quiet at the accusation, his hands clenching at his sides; then, they reached up and began to untie his cravat and unbutton the top of his shirt.

The queen flushed. “What are you—”

The prince parted his collar to reveal a deep black scar on his skin—a scar, she realized, which continued down his chest as he undid one button after the other.

He paused a few inches above his lower ribs, and his hands dropped back to his sides. “It goes all the way down to my navel,” he said at length. “One of my oldest brothers, Antoni, snuck up on me while I was asleep and pressed a hot poker against my chest. He said I shouldn’t feel any pain, since I was a demon sent from Hell.”

His hand hovered over the scar, but did not touch it. “As it turned out, I did feel pain – tremendous pain, actually – which came as a surprise to me, but not to him. After all, what did I know, at ten years old? Maybe I was a demon.”

A rueful smile played on his lips.

“Though it was hard to imagine Hell being any worse than the Southern Isles.”

[a-simple-imagine]

a-simple-imagine’s Masterlist (old)

THIS IS NO LONGER BEING UPDATED AS OF 28TH JANUARY 2020!!

MY NEW MASTERLIST CAN BE FOUND HERE

Buy me a coffee??

CAROL DANVERS

Oneshots;

Tea Parties and Test Flights - Carol Danvers x fem!reader

Carol and Reader have been friends since they were little. A reader invites Carol around for a very specific walk down memory lane and surprises her with a fort.

Everything She’s Not - Carol Danvers x platonic!Cubby!reader

The reader is shy, nervous and a bit chubby and has powers similar to carols. When Carol joins the Avengers the reader becomes jealous and disheartened but Carol comforts her.

‘After Sex’ Kisses - Carol Danvers x fem!reader

Gentle kisses shared between the reader and Carol after sex as they discuss their dinner plans.

Prompts;

You Make Me Feel So Insecure 

Sleeping

HOPE VAN DYNE

Oneshots;

An ‘I Thought I Lost You’ Kiss - Hope Van Dyne x fem!reader

A kiss to celebrate Hope returning home after the Thanos snap

Prompts;

Honesty

Warm

MARIA HILL

Oneshots; 

Tremors - Maria Hill x fem!reader

On a mission together, the reader gets hurt. Determined to get back out into the field the reader tries to prove she’s fine. 

MINN-ERVA

Oneshots;

Training Room - Minn-Erva x reader

The reader decides to go annoy Minn-erva because they’re bored and want attention

This Whole Jealousy Thing - Minn-Erva x fem!reader

Minn-Erva gets jealous of the Reader's friendship with Carol.

The Morning After - Minn-Erva x fem!reader

The Reader tries to make Minn-erva admit that she’s actually soft

Chill Babe - Minn-Erva x fem!reader

Minn-erva gets jealous because she thinks Yon-Rogg is trying to steal y/n away so she puts him in his place

NATASHA ROMANOFF

Oneshots; 

Two Heroes - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader, Tony Stark x platonic!fem!reader

The reader has to deal with the loss of two of the most important people in their life.

Distraction - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

The reader is a new avenger and gets private training from Natasha  

Bad Babysitters - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Natasha and the reader babysit Morgan Stark

Thunderstorms - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

The reader has PTSD after the battle in Wakanda and is afraid of Thunderstorms. Natasha tries to figure out what's going on. 

A Goodbye Kiss - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

A kiss goodbye before Natasha goes away on a mission

A Morning Kiss - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Natasha and reader share an early morning kiss

A Dying Kiss - Natasha Romanoff x reader

The reader goes with Natasha to Vormir to get the soul stone

Powers of a Supernova - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

The Reader is making herself weak/sickly because she is trying so hard to contain her powers of supernova. Natasha doesn’t know that the Reader has powers, but is beginning to notice how ill she is becoming

Scared of the Dark - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

The reader is losing control of their powers and Natasha tries to comfort her

Not The Mission - Natasha Romanoff x male!reader

Nat stays undercover for a couple months for a mission, living with the reader and ends up liking them 

Idle Conversations - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

While on a mission with Natasha, your burdened with the task of being lookout so you decide to fill the time with meaningless/random conversation much to Natasha’s distaste

Come Home - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Watching nat on the news fighting causing the reader to worry but nat ends up being fine and comes home to put her mind at ease

Team Cap - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

“Civil war imagine with fem!reader and Natasha where they’re on opposing teams and there’s some delicious angst where the reader says “the next person to ask me about Natasha is gonna lose their legs.” A bit of an established relationship.”

Robots and Roses - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Tony gets y/n an unusual gift for her birthday and Natasha’s not sure she can compete with that

Clowns Lurk In The Dark - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

When the power goes out at Avengers Tower, things start to get a little spooky for Y/N

Prompts;

“You’re overthinking- I’m yours. That’s all I want to be.”

“You make me cliche, but I love it I guess.”

Brilliant 

Hate

Theft

“Hey, you mind if I save your life?”

“Back then, I lied when I told you I didn’t love you.  You needed to move on from me– I needed to protect you from me.”

“I regret it all.  I really do, I swear.  Please, please– let’s fix this, please”

Series;

Always - Nastaha Romanoff x fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2

The reader is an Assassin who used to have a complicated relationship with Natasha before she joined the Avengers. Years pass and Natasha shows up while your out on the job after some information.

When Worlds Collide - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Based on the events of Into The spider verse only instead of ending up in Miles’ universe you end up in the MCU

NEBULA

Oneshots;

A First Kiss - Nebula x fem!reader

Sat under the stars the reader and Nebula share an awkward but sweet first kiss

Prompts;

Wait the tears are good tears? 

It doesn’t matter what they think, I just care about what you think

Hurt

PEPPER POTTS

Oneshots;

A Hello Kiss - Pepper Potts x fem!reader

A kiss hello to celebrate Pepper returning home from a business trip.

A You Look Beautiful Kiss - Pepper Potts x fem!reader x Tony Stark

The reader struggles with her outfit choice for the evening but a tender kiss and a few words shared between lovers is all it takes for them to feel better. 

A Furry Friend - Pepper Potts x fem!reader x Tony Stark  

The reader decided to bring home a new friend while Pepper is away which leads to some issues

The Dare - Pepper Potts x fem!reader

The reader has an accident and Pepper is curious how it happened

Three Hearts - Tony Stark x fem!reader x Pepper Potts

It’s Y/N birthday and she doesn’t really feel like celebrating but that doesn’t stop Tony and Pepper from doing something a little special though.

TONY STARK

Oneshots;

A You Look Beautiful Kiss - Pepper Potts x fem!reader x Tony Stark

The reader struggles with her outfit choice for the evening but a tender kiss and a few words shared between lovers is all it takes for them to feel better.

Two Heroes - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader, Tony Stark x platonic!fem!reader

The reader has to deal with the loss of two of the most important people in their life.

A Furry Friend - Pepper Potts x fem!reader x Tony Stark  

The reader decided to bring home a new friend while Pepper is away which leads to some issues

Three Hearts - Tony Stark x fem!reader x Pepper Potts

It’s Y/N birthday and she doesn’t really feel like celebrating but that doesn’t stop Tony and Pepper from doing something a little special though.

Clowns Lurk In The Dark - Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

When the power goes out at Avengers Tower, things start to get a little spooky for Y/N

VALKYRIE

PROMPTS; 

“Did you use to get things as a child when you screamed? I’ll let you know right now that it’s not going to help here.”

SERIES

Queen Material - Valkyrie x fem!reader

After Ragnarok, you open a small bar in the heart of New Asgard. Valkyrie has been coming to your bar for years and that doesn’t change once Thor hands over power. However, you’ve never really spoken to her until now.

WANDA MAXIMOFF

Prompts;

Date

Rose

YON-ROGG

Prompts;

I might have slept with your robe while you were gone - Yon-Rogg x fem!reader

THE FROST SISTERS (THE GIFTED)

Oneshots;

Just Go - Esme Frost x reader

As a member of the inner circle, your job is to get everyone back in one piece. But when the frost sisters don’t turn up on time, you go check what’s up only to walk in on Marcos striking down Sophie and Phoebe. 

Strawberry Ice Cream - Sophie Frost x fem!reader

Sophie is intrigued by the reader because she can’t read her mind and feelings are starting to surface

Headcanons; 

Dating Esme Frost would include...

Prompts;

Jealous - Esme Frost x reader

A hello/goodbye kiss that is given without thinking + An unexpected kiss that shocks the one receiving it - Sophie Frost x reader 

I came to say goodbye. + It’s lonely here without you. - Esme Frost x Reader

Series;

Monster - Frost sisters x platonic!fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3

The reader is a patient in a mutant mental hospital broken out by the Frost Sisters and they try to recruit you into the inner circle.

Three - In - One - Esme Frost x fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2

The reader is on the threshold of a new relationship with a girl named Esme but she’s keeping the relationship from the people closest to her. 

ARTHUR CURRY

Oneshots;

You Me Her - Arthur Curry x fem!reader x Mera (poly)

The reader and Mera have been dating for a while but when Arthur returns to Atlantis old feelings resurface and everything becomes complicated

DIANA PRINCE

Oneshots;

Donations - Mera x fem!reader x Diana Prince (poly)

The reader and Mera visit Diana at a museum to ask her to lunch

Breathless Kisses - Mera x fem!reader x Diana Prince (poly)

The reader, Mera, and Diana share some kisses and discuss meeting the Justice League

Prompts;

Lying

ENCHANTRESS (JUNE MOONE)

Oneshots;

Things said at 1am - June/Enchantress x reader

The reader wonders where Enchantress goes at night

HARLEY QUINN

Oneshots;

My Little Friend - Harley Quinn x fem!reader

Harley realizes that she loves the reader and that results in her finally leaving the Joker.

Paired Up With a Crazy Clown - Harley Quinn x reader

“I think our teams just teamed up for the sole purpose of setting us up together, god save us all.”

A Simple Job - Harley Quinn x reader

“I can’t decide whether I want to kiss you or kill you, you infuriatingly attractive narcissist.” The reader takes Harley on a job which ends up going not quite as expected.

Our Team - Harley Quinn x Platonic!reader x Poison Ivy 

Harley and the Reader are saved by Poison Ivy and they form a team until Batgirl and Supergirl show up.

We Meet At Last - Harley Quinn x reader

The Reader is a singer at one of Joker’s clubs and Harley starts to develop a crush on the reader. 

Things Said too Quietly - Harley Quinn x reader

Harley takes the reader on a surprise adventure

Tales From Gotham High: English Project - Harley Quinn x Poison Ivy

Harley and Ivy have an English Project due but one of the girls would much rather mess around.

Prompts;

Sunshine

Three Sentence fanfic

Series; 

Mind Games - Harley Quinn x fem!reader x Joker

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6

A series following the reader's adventures alongside the Joker and Harley Quinn after she is kidnapped and joins their little gang

THE JOKER

Oneshot;

Things Said Through Gritted Teeth - The Joker x reader

Series;

Mind Games - Harley Quinn x fem!reader x Joker

Part 1 Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6

A series following the reader's adventures alongside the Joker and Harley Quinn after she is kidnapped and joins their little gang

MERA 

Oneshots;

You Me Her - Arthur Curry x fem!reader x Mera (poly)

The reader and Mera have been dating for a while but when Arthur returns to Atlantis old feelings resurface and everything becomes complicated

Donations - Mera x fem!reader x Diana Prince (poly)

The reader and Mera visit Diana at a museum to ask her to lunch

Breathless Kisses - Mera x fem!reader x Diana Prince (poly)

The reader, Mera, and Diana share some kisses and discuss meeting the Justice League 

Series;

Dirty Little Secret - Mera x fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2 

The reader is secretly dating Mera who is still dating Arthur but she’s getting tired of hiding

POISON IVY

Oneshot;

Our Team - Harley Quinn x Platonic!reader x Poison Ivy

Harley and the Reader are saved by Poison Ivy and they form a team until Batgirl and Supergirl show up.

OTHER

Tales From Gotham High: 2. New Kid 

There is a new kid at school and Ivy has taken it upon herself to make introductions

Tales From Gotham High: English Project - Harley Quinn x Poison Ivy

Harley and Ivy have an English Project due but one of the girls would much rather mess around.

DANNY TORRANCE

Baby, It’s Cold Outside - Dan Torrance x fem!reader

“Could I request a Dan x female!reader that’s full of a bunch of cuddles and softness and Dan being so happy because he’s finally in a stable relationship with someone he loves”

ROSE THE HAT

Stay With Me - Rose the Hat x fem!reader

Y/N tries to convince Rose to give up on Abra (Set during the events of the movie Doctor Sleep)

Rose’s Girl - Rose the Hat x fem!reader

I was wondering if you’d be willing to write a Rose the Hat imagine where the reader goes in a relationship back and forth between members of True Knot, mainly Crow Daddy, and Rose finally gets jealous enough she does the whole “You’re mine, Y/n.” 

EMILY NELSON

Oneshots;

Leave - Emily Nelson x fem!reader

Emily takes you to a party but doesn’t like seeing you with other people

Dingy Bars and Dry Martinis - Emily Nelson x fem!reader

The reader thinks back to the first time she met Emily

Back From The Dead - Emily Nelson x fem!reader

Emily surprises the reader at her grave

Just Another Tuesday - Emily Nelson x Stephanie Smothers

Stephanie’s mind wonders to her beautiful friend being a little more than just friendly

STEPHANIE SMOTHERS

Oneshots;

Just Another Tuesday - Emily Nelson x Stephanie Smothers

Stephanie’s mind wonders to her beautiful friend being a little more than just friendly

AMBER HEARD

Prompts;

Strip

ANDREA RUSSETT

Oneshots;

Things To Discuss - Andrea Russett x fem!reader

The reader and Andrea do a Q&A together and accidentally confess their feelings

ARIANA GRANDE

Oneshots;

Return Of The Ex - Ariana Grande x Fem!reader

Ariana spots you with another girl and gets a little jealous

BLAKE LIVELY

Prompts;

Cuddle

BRIE LARSON

Oneshots;

Movie Premiere - Brie Larson x fem!reader

The reader and Brie enjoy a quiet word among themselves at the Captain Marvel afterparty before heading home

Prompts;

You can ask me as much as you want, I’ll say I love you each time

you're my favorite + I heard you weren't having that great of a day

You always duck away when you smile + kiss me again

CARA DELEVINGNE

Oneshots;

Hugs!! - Cara Delevingne x fem!reader

A quick and simple hug shared between lovers

Let's Play a Game - Cara Delevingne x fem!reader

The reader's roommate is throwing a party but they’re not feeling it, and neither is Cara so she joins them.

DEMI LOVATO

Oneshots;

Our First Times - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

The Reader and Demi go on an ice cream date

What If Is Our Only Mystery - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

The Reader has a series of questions for Demi

Cool For The Summer - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

A self-conscious reader and Demi explore their relationship during a party

Point To Prove - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

The reader gets harassed by a drunk and goes to Demi for help to get him to leave her alone

Virtual flirting Can Cause Real Life Pain - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Flirting on Twitter leads to an unhappy Demi

Let me invade your solitude - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Demi tries to befriend a lonely looking person

Birthday Surprise - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

The reader plans a surprise for Demi’s birthday but it doesn’t quite go to plan

Effort is Beautiful - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Demi and the reader go on a date to the planetarium 

Birthday Blues - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Demi comes home just in time for the reader’s birthday

Girls Like Girls - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Based on the music video by Hayley Kiyoko

Until We Meet Again - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

The reader becomes very ill and Demi stays by her side

When the Night Calls - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

The reader and Demi go on a picnic together but the reader is suspicious when she has to run off since it’s not the first time.

Big Steps, Little Steps - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Demi meets the reader’s daughter for the first time and she’s very nervous

Regret - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Regret follows a one night stand

Christmas Hero - Demi Lovato x fem!readers

Demi has a show on Christmas so they celebrate the day after

Cookie - Demi Lovato x fem reader

Demi takes the reader horseriding but things go wrong

Can I Have This Dance - Demi Lovato x fem reader

Demi and the reader share a dance to a cheesy HSM song

Evening Shower - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

You’re home alone when someone joins you for a shower  

Lady Killer - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Demi is an assassin for hire who finds sometimes it’s hard to get the job done

Allergies - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Demi is sick but can’t figure out the reason but the reader knows

Plastic Fangs - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

It’s Halloween and all the reader wants is a kiss

Haunted House - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

The reader visits a haunted house with Demi despite hating them

Picture Perfect - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Taking photos with Demi for Christmas

Series;

Ignorance is bliss - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3

Demi has a crush on her producer’s daughter

What I already knew - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2

Demi cheats on the reader and they find out

Him or Her? - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Part1  Part 2

Demi starts dating a girl for publicity but she starts catching feelings but she’s already got a boyfriend

Say Something - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3

The reader goes to visit her parents and accidentally gets into an accident

Tell Me You Love Me - Demi Lovato x fem!reader

Part 1  Part 2

Based on the TMYLM video by Demi Lovato

GEMMA CHAN

Oneshots;

Nothing But Co-Stars - Gemma Chan x fem!reader

The reader and Gemma develop a secret relationship while working on Captain Marvel together but when the press find out you both aren’t sure what to do

MARTIN GARRIX

Oneshots;

3 hits wins - Martin Garrix x Selena Gomez

Martin and Selena have a nerf gun fight

Fruitful Message - Martin Garrix x fem!reader

Martin’s always busy but this time he leaves behind a message

Child’s Play - Martin Garrix x Kayla (requester)

Martin cheats on Kayla and after they break up he tries to win her back 

Simple Fight, Simple Solution  - Martin Garrix x fem!reader

The reader and Martin have a fight over his jealousy and possessiveness 

I Wanna Be More - Martin Garrix x fem!reader 

Martin asks the reader to be his girlfriend

3.AM. Adventures  - Martin Garrix x fem!reader

Martin goes on a little adventure in the early morning and the reader decides to tag along

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Prompts;

Mine

SELENA GOMEZ

Oneshots;

Popcorn Challenge  - Selena Gomez x fem!reader

Just a lazy day spent on the couch

3 hits wins - Martin Garrix x Selena Gomez

Martin and Selena have a nerf gun fight

SKYLER SAMUELS

Oneshots;

Rooftop Picnic - Skyler Samuels x fem!reader

The reader plans a picnic for Skyler which leads to an unlikely confession

Charity Gala - Skyler Samuels x fem!reader

A flirty reader goes to a gala with Samuels only to admit that she wants to make their relationship... official?

[primedirection]

Gray Area- Part 2

Warnings: Angst Drama & a maybe a hint of fluff...

AN:

I had too much fun writing this and it's gonna show. I'm so sorry😅 Enjoy!

To the untrained eye dinner was going on without a hitch. The chatter was buzzing and lighthearted around the table. Attendees were in the best of spirits for camaraderie while drinks were poured before receiving great food. Yet, under the surface, Harry wondered why he even bothered to come at all.

For starters he'd forgotten why he was so excited about it in the first place, its couples night and watching his friends so lovey dovey when going through his own turmoil was a form of exceptional torture he could hardly stand. Which was odd given that he himself was usually a lover of love and absolutely lived for cheek kisses, stolen kisses, full on kisses, hand holding, and meaningful glances between people because he found it so endearing. Especially with you and yet here he was totally miserable inside.

Second, everyone is paired up with the exception of himself and his infamous ex, who's partner also happened to be away for work. So what better way for his friends to rectify their 'loneliness' than by seating them together!

As if on cue at the thought she leaned in close just to mention, "So H, I took a consensus but I'm still waiting for your vote." A mischievous smile painting her lips.

"Ehm, that's great." He had to force himself not to smile awkwardly tight lipped, "Don't think you really need it anyway, m'not really in any place to say." As he immediately dived into the menu, he missed seeing the fallen look on her face. Now it would be even better he couldn't sense it.

Despite feeling completely uncomfortable, Harry made the best effort to remain neutral. Fearing he'd draw unnecessary attention and ruin their nights as well on one hand. Then again on the other he meant what he had said to you, when he'd said that he'd done nothing wrong. So he shouldn't even be feeling any guilt towards her at all.

As far as he was concerned the pictures you 'found' not that they were hidden to begin with, were out of his control. Yes, not all of his friends dressed modestly but it surely wasn't his place to tell them how to live their lives. Everyone should be free to do as they please if it makes them happy and as long as it's not hurting anyone. And yes some old photos were still there only because that's exactly what they were, old. He wasn't trying to keep them as a memento he literally saw them once and never thought about it again. So he honestly felt like there was no point in purposely digging it up and deleting it unless he actually had something to hide.

More importantly, he thought that he'd been astoundingly clear you were the only one that he had eyes for. That there wasn't a single soul on earth, whether fully clothed or completely nude that could break the tether he had to yours. Sometimes like now, it scared and infuriated him to no end when you couldn't see it.

Harry would delete the pictures and block every single contact that you wanted if necessary, but he also had to be realistic. Once irrevocable boundary lines are crossed there is no turning back. He's learned firsthand how unhealthy it is to be a prisoner in your own relationship. When insecurity becomes doubt and doubt becomes paranoia. Worst of all when paranoia delves into control. No one is happy, trust is an insincere joke, love is completely lost, and all that really remains is either becoming or owning an object of property.

Surely this case wasn't that extreme, but he wasn't oblivious to how it starts. However it also wasn't lost on him that you both needed to come to terms of agreement in order to move forward. As long as you were within reason, he'd be able to deal with it and vice versa.

With that being said his urge to be social diminished drastically in comparison to his urge to make things right. Thus why he stopped engaging in everything around him altogether and directed his attention towards finishing up cleaning out the useless junk in his phone. Ensuring that if he ever lost you, it'd never be over something as ridiculous as an outdated picture.

As time went on Harry hadn't even discovered the conversation being drawn to him. He jumped suddenly at the realization Clare had been calling out to him. A soft question finally coming through the loudness of his thoughts. "You good, Har?"

It was also then he noticed that everyone had been watching him pointedly now. Tucking his phone away he forced a strained smile and pushed his fingers through the knots in his hair, feigning nonchalance, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Because Y/N is here and you still haven't noticed." Mitch deadpans.

Frowning unsure he heard correctly, Harry's gaze briefly swept the room and his heart almost launched right out of his chest upon laying eyes on you. Approaching stoically, arms crossed even from across the room he could easily tell you are unimpressed by tonight's seating arrangement. He also knew better than anyone that you'd be too polite to bother protesting about it. Eventually he stood and offered you his chair while he quickly found himself another, so stunned by your presence he'd forgotten to greet you properly altogether.

"Hi guys! Sorry I'm late, got a little side tracked on the way here," You openly admit accepting his offer, not in the slightest surprised to see his ex's visible disappointment. All the while everyone else greeted you with heartwarming enthusiasm.

"Glad you're here love," Harry finally spoke with a sincere and appreciative smile, unable to help himself from leaning in and planting a quick kiss on your cheek.

"Is anyone even really surprised? I mean, you're practically attached at the hip these days. No offense." His snotty ex snickered bitterly into a sip of wine.

That. That right there is exactly what brought you here tonight. You couldn't ignore Harry's point of having no control of everything he receives, because he was right everyone gets spam one way or another. But there is one common variable that separated the innocent from the inappropriate, and that's the intention behind it.

To be quite honest, after seeing her pictures you went on a downward spiral for a bit. Beating yourself up and asking all the wrong questions. Like why weren't you enough for him? What did you have to do to make him see? And so on and so forth. But with just a little more time alone, albeit a ride home and a mini Instagram stalking session, you were able to think more rationally and even form a different perspective from a few hard facts. Eventually revealing the real answer to your problem had less to do with either of you individually and everything to do with her ill will towards you two being together.

She was literally, a first class attention seeker. Plain and simple. Born into it whether she aimed to be or not. To the extent that whenever she or anyone else she's related to so much as hint at gracing a controversial cover, it became top news worldwide overnight. This one 'cover' should be no different but alas it is, because it doesn't exist.

"Of course we are he's my best friend," You retort genuinely cool calm and collected. Earning a round of admiring 'aws' from around the table bringing up another point, your announcement, "Speaking of friends... Did everyone here get a chance to see your little outtakes? Dying to know which one you picked for the cover."

Her complexion noticeably pales almost instantly, "I- no it's still in editing nobody is supposed to see until it's finished...how did you—" she rambles suddenly nervous.

"Harry showed em to me." You lied happily with a smile just to get under her skin and it worked, seeing as she tosses him a skeptical glance but he's already looking her way with a disappointed frown, "Thought you said you asked everyone?"

"I-I-I was," She stuttered, "I just didn't want to risk it getting leaked...you know I get hacked all the time."

"Oh c'mon, Harry? He's got the worst taste here," Nick teases and receives a pointed glare from him and laughs, "Can we at least get a tip on which cover?"

If you hadn't known better, then you'd be like everyone else and maybe even a little concerned watching her become visibly uncomfortable. But currently you're all too happy to watch her struggle to come up with a believable lie. "Well... its still in the works right now too so I can't really say."

It's kind of funny how you haven't had a sip to drink and yet you felt drunk with power. Well not even necessarily power but it felt damn good to reclaim all the shitty energy she caused you in that short period of time. People like her deserved to be exposed as the malicious fraudulent snakes that they truly were. Cut out root and stem, defanged and hung out to dry.

At the moment you were thrilled and petty enough to do it with a smile, "From what I saw my first guess was honestly Pornhub." Mid swallow on a rather large gulp of wine the self proclaimed supermodel began to choke loudly. Eyes wide while unceremoniously sputtering it up through both her nose and mouth onto the fancy table setting in front of her. You laughed completely unabashed, running on a high of her karma but politely pat her back in aid quietly adding, "No offense."

Fortunately for her, her coughing fit didn't last long as she angrily pulled away from your touch.

"It's a nude piece?" Nick gasped with his hand pressed to his cheek shocked and intrigued all at once, the journalist coming out of him.

"According to what she sent to him. Then again I find it super strange that someone like her would do a shoot of that type of...nature, get it done, and still not know where it's being published." You cheerily answer for her.

However everyone else seemed to be in a battle of mixed emotions as all the clues came together. Sitting back watching silently. You dully noted the disdain and unease directed at she and Harry. Who currently had a deep frown set in place, upset at how things just unfolded.

"Unless you know, there was no intention for them except to go straight to his phone? And yet then again you and your family like to keep it saucy so." Shrugging you grab Harry's glass and take a sip from it. "Mmm, wish this was tea."

"Okay, can you shut the fuck up!" She snarls irritably, passing her hands over her flustered face. "You're seriously annoying!"

Bringing a full fledged smile to your face, "Oh honey, if you're that upset then why don't you come make me? I promise you'll get everything you deserve and more."

"You think you're so tough. I'll kick your fucking ass right now dude and you won't even see me coming!" She snaps pushing away from the table and onto her feet. Causing you to flat out laugh at her attempt of intimidation as well as gain the attention of poor unsuspecting patrons just trying eat their meals in peace.

"Uh oh, someone better fetch security for miss John Cena over here."

"Alright, that's enough let's go." Harry suddenly commands rising to stand in front of you as if he were some type of bodyguard. Wanting to leave now on your own while you could, instead of being removed disgracefully. "Already? I just got here and things are really getting interesting." You playfully tease pouting but get up anyway.

"I'll say." Nick laughs thoroughly amused waving goodbye.

"This is why people like you don't belong in our world, you're scum bitch!"

Again you laugh as Harry begins to usher you towards the exit by the waist calling back, "Sweetheart, you're the one pursuing taken men with staged nudes. You are bacteria! Keep your filthy world and choke!"

In your side peripheral you're able to catch glimpses of people's phones going up to start filming the discourse. The official cue to shut up and get out before an even bigger spectacle was created. You'd apologize to everyone else for the drama later if and when given the chance.

Your more immediate focus right now was Harry, tense and silent stalking off ahead of you in the parking lot. Bee lining for his black SUV. He hasn't asked and probably didn't care to know, but you Ubered here. Regardless he most likely would have made you ride with him anyways.

It's only after climbing inside and shutting the door that he speaks, "Do you mind telling me what the hell is going on with you?"

"You asked me to come to dinner and I showed up. What's the problem?"

His expression became incredulous, "You made a scene."

"Actually she did that. I only called her bluff and ruined her scheme of potentially ruining your honor. You're welcome by the way! From now on, to prevent shit like this from happening I need you not to be passive when they're making passes." You glare at him pointedly.

Harry frowns hard at that suddenly angry, "Fair enough, but I didn't need you to defend my honor Y/N. It was never at stake, and you'd know that if you took my word for it in the first place. Bloody hell woman, do you really think that I don't know how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life? That I'd throw this all away that easily for nothing? I'm not an idiot!"

You sigh heavily from a strong wave of guilt hitting you in the gut at the reminder but manage to fold your arms across your chest stubbornly, "Yeah well it would have been so much easier to believe without all the evidence against you,"

"S'not evidence it's stupid and childish and completely ridiculous!" He argues scratching the bridge of his nose with his index.

"If it's all that then why keep it?" You shrug.

"I'm not, it's gone. Got rid of it all after you left." He honestly admits passing over the item in question itself and with a quick awakening of the screen you instantly find out just like before the pass code is still deactivated. Leaving all accessibility at your fingertips. "Before you go through it though, I need to know something." He turns to fully face you in his seat.

"Okay?" You encourage a little uneasy but mirror his action.

"Do you trust me? And I mean genuinely trust me Y/N. Harry the human that loves sleeping in with you on Sundays, and Harry the same human that has to tour around the world 6 to 8 months at a time and might not have as much access to you as he'd like?"

You practically feel insulted by his need to ask at all but answer him anyway, "Of course I do!"

But he's dead serious, taking ahold of both your hands in his massive ones. Staring deep into your eyes with electric intensity. "Are you sure? Coz' he's the same bloke in charge of that inbox, and those dms, and that browser history! If we're gonna have any chance at all, I need you to understand that."

For a brief moment his sharp liquid green eyes flit back and forth searching for any and all doubt. Though you genuinely have none. "I do Harry, I promise."

Emotion floods in his eyes before he shuts them and shakes his head slowly but surely getting vulnerable, "I only ask this of you because love I can't- I literally can't even stomach the thought of us ever being toxic.. Losing you that way— losing you at all..." You take it upon yourself to free one of your hands just to cradle his warm cheek. In turn he tried to smile in appreciation but his eyes have already begun to burn from the prick and swell of tears, his chest and throat tightening. "You're my everything." He professes softly, "My world, my sun, my stars, my moon, my entire universe. I love you."

You smile in admiration completely smitten getting a little emotional yourself, "I love you too Harry." Pulling him close to kiss him once, twice, thrice, and then just hold on to him a little longer with his face buried in your neck.

"M'sorry for being a crybaby," he mumbles into your skin and you laugh. Then and only then does he come up for air leaving a trail of follow up kisses before putting the previous space back between you. He reaches down on the floor of the driver's seat and retrieves the long forgotten phone. Placing it back in your hand, "S' all yours lovie."

Insanely relieved and extremely giddy at the moment. You simply roll your eyes toss the damned device in the cupholder without hesitation, "Never needed it."

AN: First of all thank you all so much for the support and feedback it was truly inspiring. Hope this turned out alright! Let me know. More blurbs are coming soon so keep an eye out!

[blissfulparker]

I felt it, it was perfect→T.H

Parings→ Tom Holland x reader

Summary→ you and tom have a stump in your relationship which causes you both to seek therapists and find a way to fix yourselves again

Warnings→ angst, mentions of drug use, cursing, mentions of sex, mentions of anxiety

A/n→ I’ve had this in my drafts for about two weeks and now I’m finally posting it so here you go and enjoy!! Also yes, the title is from black swan

“Why don’t we start from the very beginning of that’s okay with you, Yes?” The woman asked setting down her phone with the recording app opened, you had twiddled with your shirt, the shirt that tom always—once loved.

“Well,” you take a deep breath looking around the room trying to find the perfect place to start, because that’s what you guys were perfect. “We met at a bar...”

It was true, you met at a bar, a karaoke one to be exact. You were drunk out of your mind singing Beyoncé on stage with your best friends when the boy with the stray curls and beer in his hand caught your eye. He was really the only one paying attention, everyone else was drinking and having their own fun. You still don’t exactly know why he was at a karaoke bar especially when he would hardly ever sing for you. All you could truly remember from that night was getting so drunk and then going home with the boy which would start your whole new life.

“We move in together around a year maybe a year and a half later...” you trailed trying to remember everything, she nodded.

“Right, and is that where things got tough? The year mark?” She asked looking up at you.

“No, god no, we were just starting. We were everyone’s favorite, I mean we were being to become perfect.”

You two were perfect, in the eye of the press, in the eye of your friends, you two were pulled straight out of a fairytail. It was too good to be true, everything comes to a end was all you had to remind yourself, even Perfect things come to an end.

~

“So tom, you said you’ve been feeling worst? Why’s that?” The man asked lighting his cigarette and huffing out smoke, Tom smoked when he got stressed, so of course he pulls out a cig and lit one up. The taste of cigarettes were still bitter, he hated them but they gave him a warmth that he was missing when he was sad.

“We’re lost, I don’t even think were a couple anymore...” he looked down.

There were too many fights, too many. Hell, tom got mad last week that you forgot to take the trash out to the dumpster and you got pissed because he forgot to get strawberries at the store. Children, you guys acted like children. He swore that Sam and Harry acted like this when they were four. He was so shocked yet so angry and he couldn’t tell why. He didn’t know what was happening.

“We haven’t touched each other in weeks, I mean I haven’t even felt what her lips feel like about a month.” He admits, he didn’t want to tell Harrison, he thought Harrison wouldn’t even believe him because he knew how much tom love you, so he was telling the man in front of him right now.

“Well, sometimes this happens, couples get angry and don’t know how to act around each other and it takes time and understanding.” The therapist says, he was right but tom hated that he was right.

“But we’re not married, we’ve only been dating for over a year and I know her and she knows me. I know that happens to married couples who have been together for like 30 years or some shit and get tired of each other.” He admits as he takes in his cigarette and then blows out. The last time he smoked so much was when he was starting to become a true actor, he had big roles and didn’t know how to handle hate and press.

~

“He use to do this thing for me,” You look down and smile at the memories. “Every Sunday he’d get up really early to leave the house and go get coffee from my favorite place, he’d then come back in bed and I’d wake up with hot fresh coffee next to me.” You say and she nods.

“Were you still able to talk good with each other at that point?” She shifted her body and you only rolled your eyes. Not on purpose it was just a point needed to be made.

“Yeah whatever that means. We fight over stupid shit now, last week he yelled at me about trash! I mean to be fair I yelled at him for strawberries. I don’t even know where the anger came from, I can’t blame it on hormones, I don’t know if it’s my stress or his stress on me—“before your could finish she put up her hand.

“What do you mean by his stress?” She asked. She might’ve actually been able to help and all your sessions might add up.

“He’s an actor, he’s gone all the time. When he’s home he wants to be with friends and family which I completely understand but sometimes I feel as if I’m in the corner or if I’m an accessory. When he slides under the sheets at night he doesn’t kiss me nor does he try and touch me like he use to. It feels forced, he’s forcing himself to like me.” You tell her truthfully. You couldn’t help the word vomit at this point.

“I think you’re both sacred.” She sets her clipboard down. “Well, let’s start off with your age. You are both 22 I’m assuming? You’re young and excited to be adults and have all the fun you can before you have to face a bunch of responsibilities. I think you two do love each other, I think that the two of you both worry that one is going to leave.” She explains, everything was starting making sense.

She could’ve been right, or so wrong. When tom came home for the first time back from press he touched you like a starved man, you two fucked in every single place in the flat you could find. Then the two of you fell asleep in your bed and woke up the next morning and did it again. When tom came back for the 5th time it was different, only a hug at the airport and then tom passing out when you got home. That wasn’t perfect, this was no longer perfect.

“(Y/n)? Are you listening?” She asked and you snapped out of your thoughts.

“Yes, Yes, Of course. But he acts like he is going to leave or I’m going to leave when all I do is sit and wait until he comes home. I don’t cheat I don’t go out and flirt with other men.” You start to feel yourself heat up. You start to feel the anger you often Times now feel with tom.

~

“You sound like you’re scared.” The man writes down.

“Oh yeah? Of what?” His voice was bitter, if this is how he talke to you he hoped you’d leave him. the man sets down his clipboard and looks tom in the eyes.

“You’re scared of her leaving you—“ tom rolled his eyes and put out his cigarette.

“Bullshit.” He said leaning back in the leather chair.

“Mr. holland hear me out. You leave a lot on press, you’re a young actor with plenty attention on you. She knows that all too well because when you’re out in America selling your movie she’s sitting at home watching you do that and she’s watching people fall in love with you and it is very easy for people to see that when one is getting more attention they feel that they don’t need their attention anymore.” He sighs and tom comes to realization. “Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” He feels his heart in his chest pumping so fast he worries that his therapist can hear it. “You know last week I watch her take Xanax, I know she has anxiety and she needs it sometimes but she promised me she only takes it when things gets serious. She told me that when we moved in then shoved it in the back of our medicine cabinet. Last week I found it in her bedside table, new prescription too. That hurt the most, she didn’t even tell me.” He hurts himself with his own words and wonders why you can’t talk to him, he’s pushing more.

“Have you taken anything for anxiety and depression Mr. Holland?” He asks holding out his clipboard again.

“Yes,” He says blandly. “When I was a kid my mum put me on medicine for when I was acting so I wouldn’t have a panic attack in the middle of a scene. I went off of it when I was 16 and then got a new prescription when I was 20. I haven’t touched it since then, it’s most likely expired.” He says looking at the cars out the window.

“Well,” he writes down really quickly before looking at tom. “I think you should start taking medicine again. It’s only for the best, if you want to run it though with her then—“ tom needed to speak, needed to tell someone about the small box hidden in the house.

“I was going to ask her to marry me.” He gulps and takes a swing of his water. “I bought a ring before press and it was perfect, it was simple silver and heart shaped. She’s a sucker for those things, classy, straight out of s movie type stuff. Took me a long ass time to find just the perfect one and then I did, it was gorgeous. Then I came back for the 5th time and I was going to do it, I was going to ask her but then she got weird which made me mad and then her mad and I think—“ tom choked on his own tears.

“Are you okay?” The man slid over tissues in case he needed any.

“No, I love her so much and it’s my fault.” Tom says as he continues to look at all the cars passing by and all the people walking.

“I don’t think this is you’re fault at all.” He says. “Our time is up, sadly. But I’m open tomorrow if you want to come back, I’m free at 12:50 if that’s good with you. If not then I’ll see you Thursday. I want you to try and have a proper conversation without getting mad at each other.” He notes and tom gets up from his seat.

“Thank you.” He nods before exiting the room.

~

“You’re not on any drugs, correct?” She asks writing.

“What? As in prescription or just like weed?” You ask her and she laughs a little.

“I meant prescription. Like any anti—depressants or anxiety medication, or even if you have an illness that requires daily meds. Even if it’s just as simple as allergy medicine.” She gesture and you shake your head but then remember the Xanax you took last week to help yourself de-stress.

“Well, no, and yes, I took Xanax last week but that was just to help myself calm down. After our trash fight we got a little more intense and we just were yelling and screaming and I had an attack so I took some then fell asleep.” You told her and she nodded.

“Right, was that perscribed to you?” She asked and you nodded.

“Oh yes, I didn’t just buy it off of a stranger. I use to take it more but after I met tom I didn’t need to at all and I was somewhat perfect.” You told her.

“Right, Perfect. You use that word a lot Mrs. (y/l/n), no human is perfect, no animal, no art work, no place, no man Is perfect. I need you to let that go if we can move on.” She says sternly. She was right, of course she was right.

“Right, no one is perfect.” You gulp and move your hair. You felt perfection though, perfection was in tom. Tom could make you feel perfect.

“That’s a beautiful ring, did he give it to you?” She asks and you look down at the ring you still wore. ‘Never take this off because I promise I’ll always be there no matter where I am’.

“Yes, he did. It’s a promise ring.” You fiddled with it. She got up and walked over to her bookshelf and handed you a book.

“I want you to read this,” She hands you a book a child’s book to be exact. Well, if you chose to read it too your child. “I’m sure you’re familiar with the dance swan lake, this is the book version. It shows what two do for love and I think it’ll help you understand more.” She smiles and you stand up.

“Thank you, so much.” You smile at her.

“You’re welcome, our time is up though and i want you to talk with him.” She smiles at you as you grab your bag and reach for the door.

“Thank you once again.” You say as you leave and she smiles and waves you out.

~

“Tom?” You call out setting your keys on the table. “Tom I—“ You got cut off by the smell of coffee brewing. Coffee from your favorite place in London.

“What are you doing?” You asked him as he brewed the coffee and flipped pancakes.

“I got home early and decided to make you pancakes.” It was 4:30 in the afternoon. He never did this anymore so why now?

“Right?” You day and lean against the counter. “How was your day?” You ask trying to start a conversation. No arguing tonight.

“Good actually, yours?” He said. This was a start, this was all a start.

“Good, I got to write and oh! I saw this man with this Spider-Man shirt that reminded me of you because it was totally made for a seven year old.” You laugh and he does too. He was laughing with you. The sound that you missed so much.

“That’s so funny because I saw a man in a Spider-Man shirt too that was far too small for a man.” He joke with you.

“Can we talk about things?” You asked and he nodded and turned off the stove.

“I know about the Xanax, I’m sorry I made you so stressed I made you take drugs.” He has tears in the corner of his eyes.

“I could say the same about you, didn’t know you smoked.” You told him and he nods, you could smell it.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m such a shitty boyfriend and you’re the perfect girlfriend. I leave and you wait and I don’t know why you wait.” He leans against the stove and sets the spatula down.

“Because I love you.” You told yourself more then you told him. “I mean I love you a lot and I don’t want to let go of the people I love a lot.” You tell him and he Steps in front of you.

“I love you too. And I’m sorry we’re so distant, that drives me insane to most.” He tells you and you let your fingers rest on his shoulder.

“Do you wanna know what drives me crazy?” You asked him and he nodded. “I talk to you like your my co-worker. I can’t carry a proper conversation with you and it’s not your fault anymore then it is mine but that’s what drives me insane, because you’re not my co-worker and I want to tell you everything but I can’t for some reason.” You tell him and he wraps his arms around your waist.

“Yeah,” he nods. “I get that.” He gulps before you rest your head on his shoulder. You couldn’t even get a tear out because you were so done with crying that your body wouldn’t allow you to cry anymore.

“Hey,” you push back his curls getting a full good glimpse at his face. “I miss you.” You whisper for only him to hear. “Like I miss you miss you.” You smile and he smiles big back.

“I miss you miss you too.” He says before he leans into kiss you.

And you felt it, it was perfect again. His lips were still the same and you knew they weren’t touched in anyway possible, infact they stayed the same just for you. His touch was still gentle as if his fingers waited for your skin again. And his eyes, oh his eyes stared at you as if it was the first time all over again.

“I have so many things to say to you.” He lifted you up from the ground for you to wrap your legs around him. “So much I have to tell you about, America is a crazy place.” He laughs a little and you do too.

“I do too, we have a new front desk woman at work, she’s so lost and scared I feel so bad but at the end of the day I know she’s doing it for the health insurance.” You giggle. He was ready to tell you everything again, he needed to tell you everything again.

“I want to hear your stories so bad but right now, I want to be in between your legs and make love to you until you can’t walk.” He smirks and you do too before you allow him to dive into your neck and kiss while he walks you to the bedroom.

Everything doesn’t come to an end, sometimes it does but most of the times it’s just a pause. You and tom had a pause, there’d never be a true end to you and tom because that was simply impossible.

Taglist; taglist: @lynnbeaan @actorsdamn @your-daily-dose-of-fangirl @sunshine-peter @ironspiderguy @mdgrdians @dreamymeliorism @roaringgoodshow @built4broadway @strugglinggryffindorkid @1mychalia1 @grace-sully @didanyonesaybuckybarnes @embrace-themagic @bloodysleepy @thebonanamuffin @thellamalordd @flowerchild8341 @cade-james @random-stupid-stuffs @joyfulspider @sad-broken-crayon @mylinkmyrules @carry-on-ms-believer @queenmissfit t @skeletalwolfcat t @gingerpeachyy @condy-wants-a-cookie @dennythepooh @zon-chan @fandom-fangirl07 @gabriels-gumdrop @whatam3ss @jamaicaa-blakee @thetributethatvolunteered @o-brienwrites @smexylemony y @spn-worm @fucking-reddie e @stranger-marvel @darlingtholland @sylvirstars @supernatural-strangethings-1980 @pvnk-bivch @spideyyypeter @lubrielx @authorpocketcow @swoozi224 @abunchofmaraudersfluff ff @redridingthroughthehood @sammyskyler2000 @usuallyweepingnacho @tom-hollands-eyelash @capandbuck @delicately-written @emmyfignewton @spidcr-man @laramitk @captianbuckyy @kira-marieee @hazthosterfield @emilyle23 @tomshufflepuff @freakofnature444 @keepingupwiththehollands @ballarinaphan @1-800-chosen-jacobs @screamsss-in-fangirl

[starryicetea]

Another pair of OCs from a RP with https://spacedorked.tumblr.com/ those are for a Invader Zim RP if youre not familiar with the show, those two are Irkens, a alien race in the show now I wrote a whole a bunch about their backtory at the post of this pic in Deviantart https://www.deviantart.com/o-starryicetea-o/art/Irken-twins-797430242 and Im not going to repeat it all rufuu so here is copy and paste if youre interested in their backstory ,,So we started this RP with a Irken named Pom kicked out and stranding on earth where we meets a human teen named Tom, they both made a agreement that Pom wouldnt try anything bad (for those who dont know Invader Zim the Irkens are a alien species that made it their goal to conquer and colonize the galaxy and the plot of the show is basically the main character who is Irken named Zim trying to invade the earth) and Tom would help Pom living on earth since he pretty much crashed and seemingly has no way out. They kinda befriend, and then Pom gets contacted by the Tallest (who are the leaders) that gets the opportunity to prove himself again taking over the earth with their help (Now at this points Pom became found of earth and his human friend so he is torn deciding whether to go backstab and go back or ultimatly stay. Stuff goes down and in the ends Pom decides to stay on earth with Tom. They then become closer and become a couple BECAUSE CUTE ROMANCE PLOT. Now to the twins (THIS IS A LONG ONE OH GOSH) We thought that in the future Pom and Tom might adopt a kid, then the idea that it could be a Irken kid (smeet) and basically the concept of Lin was born. Later on I got inspired for some secret abonded twin plot and Evi was added. Basically when they where made on their home planet (smeets are made artifical in cans) there where suddenly 2 smeets in a can which where identical twins, and my idea was that the controll brains, a robot who controlls everything, would remove everything that didnt went after plan (even if in this case its a advantage because 2 soldiers for one but I had already thought it out) so it thought that one of them must be killed, they decided to have them live for a while and see which one would be the better one to serve as soldier later. Now the twins made the plan that, if they showed the same abilities controll brains wouldnt be able to decided who is better so they opted to stay on the same level trying to appear the same in abilities. Time passes and the decision must be made.Now Im not sure how it all eventually went down but here is my rought idea. Lin shortly before the decision where maybe one last fight would go down, overheard that if there no ,,better one,, the decision would be radomnize anyway, eitherway one of them is doing to die. Lin tries to inform Evi but fails because she didnt had time before the fight. It goes down and out of panic knowing thats going to happen Lin hits fight or flight panic buttom and went to win the fight.(take in mind she didnt wanted anything bad to happend on Evi, rather she genuinly just paniced for her own survival) Evi went shocked and in her mind Lin did on purpose and backstabbed. Lin tries to explans and try to talk the brains into having them both alive but fails.Lin gets her memories erases and sent back to continue her soldier training and Evi is planned to die. Lin would a while after that go higher to the academy where,however, she sneaks into a spaceships and accidently activates it bacially YEETED from Irk their homeplanet.She would land on earth and meet Pom and Tom who take her in and she basically becomes their adoptive daughter (this is when she is around 10 years old) Meanwhile Evi is suppose to be executed but BY CHEER LUCK, a blackout happened stopping her PAK from being deactivated (HOWEVER it took some damage explained later),she took the chance and went for the run,she ends up in a abonded ghetto like part of the city where some outcast Irken hide and basically had their underground group and they take her in, holding a grudge for what happened she then proceeds to plan revenge. SKIP SOME YEARS (like maybe 4) and Evi finished planning and tracks down on earth with the outcast Irken as her small army, action goes down. Basically Evi fighting Lin and Lin trying to explain during the fight. Now what I imagine is that they accidently create a explosion interupting their fight, they both get knock out but Lin wakes up later and drags Evi with her out of the fire. Lin explains her side of what happened later and feels bad, so Pom (who became kinda friends with the leaders) tells the Tallest that they could keep Evi on earth as banishment. So Evi ends up on earth aswell and becomes the adopted daughter too living with them. Now coming to their personalities: Lin: she is very outgoing and energic person who is hyperactive (kinda like Mabel from Gravity falls) and likes to go climb spaces (I imagine she would appear out of nowhere from a space she climbed and scaring other persons who didnt see her at the moment,she is a friendly person who can be childish and oblivious to things so can be angry and serious when needed. Evi: OH.BOI Evi is a very short tempered person with a short fuse basically better not mess with hershe will on first impression seems rude and angry and rebelic, however if you see you know her better she can kinda cool once she tolerates you. She occasionally does nice things if she thinks the person deserves it tho she would never admit she likes the person enought and would shrug it off casually like ,,oh I just had spare tiime, nothing special shut up,, Now her PAK, as mentioned, Evi PAK got some damage thanks to nearly being deactivated, this resulted in her nutritions settings and stuff to messed with in results Evi turned out smaller than Lin and sometimes has energy lacks that knock her out, she would basically be one second in a temper rampage and next second have wasted so much energy on it that she just drops unconcious and then waking up a second later. Also, since I guess this would also include hormons, who are important for brain chemics and if something is messed up it would result mental illnesses, I imagined Evi would could sometimes become very instable and go manic,depressive,psychotic e.t.c She would start to wear a wristband monitor that checks her levels so she can see when something goes out of normal, and carry substitues of hormons and stuff that she would inject to avoid becoming instable which she carries in the pouch (you can see on the pic),, Still there? wow, I said it would be a bunch XD thanks for reading throught tho

[tvshowfreak]

Here is what I meant about the parallel post. Say from cris pov. The first thing she should have said was I'm sorry if I made you stress an over think. I just had so much on my mind. Because this time around it was here time to apologize. She should have came in knowing thats the first thing I have to say. Your pov lacked cris admitting she screwed up. Which makes it seem like cris doesn't have anything to be sorry for. An if cris really thinks that in that moment. Than she is truly messed up

She is messed up! This whole situation is messed up, her whole life at the moment is messed up! She’s young and going a through a fucking lot. Like if I was in her place, just getting outed at school and receiving homophobic insults I would’ve already been in a complete break down, without adding on everything else.

I wasn’t implying that Cris wasn’t in the wrong with the way she acted and is still acting, I was trying to analyze why she is acting that way. I wasn’t giving my personal opinion about the matter, I was truly trying to be in Cris’s head, not mine or Joana’s. Saying in the post that Cris should’ve apologized would’ve been beside the point since Cris herself doesn’t think she should’ve. That’s an outsider perspective, not Cris’s.

Like I know it’s hard to not see Joana as the main victim because she has an illness and therefore she is more vulnerable than Cris BUT Cris is also a victim in this, her life in a couple of weeks has been going to shit from every side. 

And the fact that she doesn’t realize how she’s hurting Joana is what really intrigued me in her. Because to a lot of us it seems pretty obvious how she has hurt her, but she seems completely oblivious or in denial to it. But knowing her character and how fucking in love she is with Joana , even if she can’t quite realize it yet, I can’t possibly believe that she is hurting Joana on purpose and then dismissing it completely. And if she doesn’t realize that she’s hurting her she obviously doesn’t think she has anything to apologize for. 

Keep remembering that everything she’s going through right now is a lot to process in such a short time. And if you pay attention you realize that for two weeks she keeps having the same conversation with her friends over and over again, these scenes are nice parallels too. You can tell that she’s stuck in the same spiral of insecurities  “does she love me? Does she not?” “did she get bored of me?” “I am just a phase?” “I am just a thing she latched on to?” etc, etc…

The only person at this point that can answer any of these questions is Joana. And Cris came to park waiting for answers and some sense to put on all of it. She didn’t come there to be in empathy with Joana, she came there for reassurance. Now of course at that moment she is being completely selfish, and maybe somewhere that’s also part of her personality, just like it’s part of each of us. We’re are more or less selfish, depending on our life’s events, our personalities, our self image, our mood or simply the situation we’re in. 

Going back to everything Cris went through from the very start is important to understand how she got to that point of not being able to get out of her own head and her own feelings to start trying to understand Joana’s. 

The way Cris is feeling and acting is not coming out of thin air, and it can’t be resolved in hours or even days just because Joana is spiraling herself. Some people just aren’t capable of taking care or understanding others if they’re feeling lost themselves. And Cris has never been so lost in her life, every aspect of it apart from her friends is being changed for the worst.

I know it’s hard not to be disappointed when a character that you love or at least that you tolerate because she’s one half of the ship, doesn’t react or act the way you wish they did - but at the same time I find it so realistic. I think so many people, me included, would be so fucking lost in the same situation. Maybe they wouldn’t act like Cris, maybe they would, but I sure as hell think that they wouldn’t act exactly like they think Cris should’ve acted. As much as we wanna believe that we would find the exact right words and that it would be easy, I personally think it wouldn’t - even more so if it’s someone you love, if it’s brand new and if you’re not in a state of mind to be empathetic. 

Now, all that I just wrote was 300% biased contrary to my first post on Cris’s pov. Because that’s my personal opinion that was build and nourished by analyzing Cris. Like, I fucking love her, in all insecurities, her mistakes and imperfections I find her fascinating. The writers weren’t scared to make flawed characters and I fucking love that, it makes the whole story so much more interesting and intense and real.

The complexity of their characters and their relationship is so fucking beautiful, so much that for the life of me I cannot just stay in basic state of mind of who’s right and who’s wrong and what they should’ve done or what they shouldn’t have. 

Rewriting the story and how it would’ve gone in a perfect world where everyone is saying exactly what they’re supposed to when they’re supposed to say it isn’t that interesting to me, at least when it comes to this particular ship. Trying to understand why the writers chose to tell that story that way is what intrigues me, how they build the characters personalities and how that build up as lead to those interactions.

I so wish I could do the same pov post with Joana, I wish we knew her story and that we could back to the start to understand how she also got there, at that point, in that park, spiraling completely. I so wish we had side of the story. My delusional mind is hoping for Joana season but of course it won’t happen, it’s either gonna be Nora or maybe Viri if they’re bold. But I think the boldest move would be to show the day to day life of a teen with BPD, that would be so fucking interesting ughhh

Anyhooo, I got carried away a bit again sorry 😅Emotionally troubled lesbians in love and their drama just have that effect on me ✌️

[watercolorwillowbrook]

Let’s talk about the REAL story (spoilers)

Ramble warning ahead. All recall too because I gave the comics away aaaaages ago.

Okay kids. I am an old lady. Back in my day we didn’t have the cartoon (yet), we had the comics and my parents HATED the fact that I read x-men (due to the way the women were portrayed)

But let’s talk about what those comics were and why the movies make me physically ill. Especially in regards to jean, Phoenix, and dark phoenix. One— Jean is lacking in the movies. More often than not she is just portrayed as the ass that Wolverine wants but can’t have. What was she really— Jean’s power came about from her LITERALLY stopping someone’s soul from passing into the afterlife. That friend that everyone glazes over? Yeah, that soul. AS A CHILD. If I recall correctly. Professor x even admits to the fact (in early issues) that she potentially is more powerful than him as a psychic and telepath, though her telepathy is bound at that point. He knew from day one when he came to help her, AS A CHILD, that she was one of the most powerful minds in the universe. And he wasn’t the only one to notice. There are clear hints that Phoenix, as an entity, saw this struggle to keep her friend, and intervened at the risk of Jean being dragged into the afterlife along with her friend. During her early days with professor x, he purposely bound her powers because she lacked maturity and wisdom. Her wreckless emotional abandon was what nearly killed her, and he recognized that she needed a normal life experience to learn how to cope and use them effectively later on. Not to mention that she was being driven into insanity. She fears her powers to the point of her health deteriorating, and it gets to a point where professor x has to help redirect her to focus on normalcy. The first time she really uses her power without fear is to pull up a psychic hologram of Scott, who she had developed feelings for. (Side note, the whole time her parents have no idea she’s a mutant. They just think she is emotionally disturbed.)

Fast forward to the x-men getting caught up in intergalactic bullshit. Now, the comics were by far more telling than anything else. The movie glazed and the cartoon had to skip over some stuff to meet a rating standard. But literally, when Jean took over the ship to take everyone home there were multiple scenes of how radiation continually hit her and how she was withering away, her hair was falling out, her skin was mottled and dying, her muscles were disintegrating... she literally was being fried to death. It was pretty graphic. Her will to save her friends, and her love for them, and once again her fucking mental strength caught the eye of the Phoenix— now the Phoenix is a literal force. It has no physical form and cannot experience anything on its own. So, in exchange for helping her (and subsequentally making her pretty much immortal) the Phoenix approaches Jean And makes a deal. Power for a chance to be a living, feeling being. On that note, we see something that will come back later— we already know Jean will do anything out of love for her friends, but also, we see that she’s scared to die. And that is important for later, and it completely makes her relatable.

So, they all live and times goes on. Now if you pay attention throughout the ensuing issues, you notice that Jean GRADUALLY becomes more powerful, more ruthless, and more sexual. She goes from being a very demure woman to a very provocative one. So how did it happen? Now I missed this as a kid because it was all subtle (comics were censored a lot so everything had to be implied) when I reread the series after the cartoon in the 90s came out, it clicked more for me. So during a fight with magneto, a huge chunk of the x-men get lost in the savage lands. Only Jean and beast make it back. Thinking everyone dead, professor x goes with lillandra into space and beast runs off to join the... avengers? I think? I am pretty sure. ANYWAY. This leaves Jean all alone, so she goes to Muir island, since Moira was pretty tight with her. Starting from the flight over, Mastermind fucks with her head— and you see this in flashbacks and thoughts from him as the story progresses. He approaches her as a priest on the flight to get her to confide in him, then again approaches her at a beach where he literally ends up sleeping with her (raping, really, since he is manipulating the situation) and then running into her as Jason. This takes place over a good few months, and that is when Emma Frost provides a way for mastermind to infiltrate Jean’s thoughts and start giving her mental illusions of a past life where Jean was married to mastermind and they were in love. And Jean falls for it because emotionally she is starved— Scott is dead to her at this time. Again the cartoon and several remakes forget to include this. Jean herself is beyond loyal, and the only reason she fell for any of it was under the belief that Scott died.

SO, this manipulation goes on for about a year and a half until BAM, the x-men manage to get home and suddenly scott isn’t dead anymore. (Emotionally whiplash. This shift happens a lot.) To speak to her character, Jean inmediately tells him everything. Scott had a bit of a fling too, but they both decide what happened, happened, but that they want to be together. La la laaaa...

For what good it does. ANYWAY. Time goes on and we continue to see an escalation in Jean’s behavior. She gets more aggressive and savage, dresses more provocative. She gets her Mack in with angel in front of everyone (Lol it’s meant to be innocent, but Jean/ Phoenix are also highly aware that warren pursued her when she was younger.) off and on, she has dreams and visions of her and Jason in the 1800s or whenever, where she is deemed the black queen of the hellfire club. Then the M’krann crystal saga goes down. MORE shit goes down in which Scott and the others start to suspect that the hellfire club is part of it (you know, instead of just being a kinky sex club. They should have just stayed in that lane imo)

So, they have this great idea to crash a hellfire party. Unfortunately it’s been YEARS, and mastermind has continued to work on Jean this whole time, so it is no problem for him to manipulate her into turning on her friends and joining them. She literally thinks she is doing it for the love of her life. (Mastermind) really whatn he does is he psychically manipulates her into succumbing to the personality HE has designed for her as the black queen.

At some point Jean and Scott do a fucking Vulcan mind meld thing, and they are in each other’s heads, mmk? This is before they crash the party. So while scott is all kinky bondaged up, he tries to reach her telepathically. Mastermind catches him and psychically kills him. He, as most people do, underestimate Jean. Seeing Scott killed sets her off and she reverts back. Now we see a brutal side to Jean here as she literally psychically drives mastermind into a state of insanity. I am pretty sure she puts white queen into a coma too. Anyway, this is just a taste of what is happening. A fight ensues and they all leave, but on their way out a bunch of shit hits Jean.

1. She realizes she had been fucked with over and over for years.

2. Mastermind literally mentally and physically raped her. Over the course of years.

3. She enjoyed the feeling of turning on her friends and having the adoration of the hellfire club AND tormenting frost and mastermind.

So, Jean also feels guilt for it all, and unable to really cope, she mentally seems to collapse which allows the Phoenix (which is an entity that craves feelings) to rush in and grab all those dark emotions and run with them. Because Jean wouldn’t let Phoenix experience it— she regressed those feelings in herself.

That is how dark Phoenix came about. The cartoon and movies make it all appear to happen over a short course, but the truth of the matter is, she was mentally manipulated and physically assaulted over the course of YEARS by the hellfire club. I recognize that some of this isn’t appropriate for cartoons, and it would be Difficult to show in a movie that’s only a couple hours long. However it does an injustice to Jean’s character because she RESISTED for such a long time because she was strong, and a good person. She didn’t just get her rocks off on power right away and loose her shit. It was trauma after trauma.

ANYWAY, after a huge battle and getting Jean back under control, the fkn Shi’arr (Sp?) pop in to be the galaxy police, eventually Jean goes back to being Phoenix, as a stepping stone to being dark Phoenix again. There was a battle so it wasn’t for anything, literally once again all of her friends were being harmed in effort to protect her. (Even though she killed billions of people by snacking on a star and destroying a solar system buuuuuut...) Jean still had a lot of control, and on the blue side of the moon comes a few realizations

1. This wasn’t who she wanted to be

2. She is tortured by the understanding she killed billions of people (Remember that Jean is a loving and kind person who has a fear of death both for herself and others)

3. She cannot live an immortal life always being in control and being unable to slip at any moment. Literally a prisoner within herself.

It at this point we see more of Jean’s strength. Jean who, from day one has feared death, now accepts that it is the only way to truly protect everyone that she loves. Granted they all try to stop her, but in the end she takes her own life. This puts an end to her being an uncontrollable force, as Phoenix goes back to being an entity without a physical manifestation, and stops the feud between the aliens and the x-men.

This is why each medium and how things are presented is important. With comics being released in (originally) 8 page monthly installments, the reader really got a sense of the time for the story to build up. The pacing was there. With the animation and the movies, it all feels rushed and kind of forced— hence why I personally do not care for them. I have to look at them in a different way, but to me, there is a lot more power in the comics.

Just my two cents. Imma shush now.