caluski

[caluski]

i feel so worn down. so tired. there's no strength in me beyond trying to conceal it just barely so that people who are unlucky enough to be around me dont have to see it. and then there's nothing. its so horrifying that i have nothing to live for. i just want to go. what else is there to do

[caluski]

i know i shouldnt feel upset with my family for not liking me. thats their thing, whatever, if im the only odd one out then it has to be a problem with me. but man it fucking sucks. they know im alone, they know im all alone, always, constantly, everytime. they know i have no one to hang out with, they know i never talk to people, while also knowing im depressed - have been for many years - and they dont want to not only reach out to me, but to take my hand when i am the one reaching out for them. they dont want to say yes to having a trip together, spending some time, theyre not interested in listening to what i want to talk about. god im so fucking lonely i want to die

[caluski]

i dont fucking want to think about it now. its fine. its good. i hear of an event and my first instinct is still "i wanna ask someone to go there with me". but i dont have anyone to ask anymore. make a post on social media, no responses. ask in a family groupchat, they'll leave you on read. and yet i keep thinking "i should still ask, i should ask around, what do i have to lose?" because theres still that stupid fucking sliver of light, and then i ask. and i get that sigh, that eyeroll, whatever, and the sliver of light is gone. its just the stupid humiliation. how could you hope for anything in the first place you absolute fucking idiot

i hate that stupid fucking little bit of hope. like sliver of sunlight getting through a window nailed shut. it will never be enough to light up the room. but i still sit there and i look at the way it shines on the floor when the sun passes by. yeah yeah tell someone once more how much you'd love to hang out, i'm sure it'll work this time lmao

[caluski]

i hate that stupid fucking little bit of hope. like sliver of sunlight getting through a window nailed shut. it will never be enough to light up the room. but i still sit there and i look at the way it shines on the floor when the sun passes by. yeah yeah tell someone once more how much you'd love to hang out, i'm sure it'll work this time lmao

[caluski]

also tomorrow going thrifting and since i found a few loose coins among my belongings i sure will get myself a fucking coffee as well. yeah whatever lets get into it who cares. summer doesn't love me! so why should i waste my time mourning it!

its fall to me. mended a sweater and bought proper cool weather shoes. had like twenty mint teas in the last few days. it's time to write about the occult again

[caluski]

its fall to me. mended a sweater and bought proper cool weather shoes. had like twenty mint teas in the last few days. it's time to write about the occult again

[caluski]

i wonder if i'm even capable of ever making friends (again?). i don't want therapy talk, i don't want people to talk to me out of pity, i hate talking about suicide ideation and all that... but i do wonder if i could still be casual with people. talk about pop culture, and weather, and new technologies, religion, job market, god, whatever. i dont want to be this mean, cold asshole. honestly, i dont even know for sure if im a mean, cold asshole now! i dont talk to people, i have no fucking idea how or who i am in terms of social interactions. even beyond being able to hold a conversation, being interesting, being entertaining -- more importantly, am i capable of being nice and kind? am i capable of patience and kind little gestures? god, who knows. but if anyone ever wants to talk to me, im always here*. i know ive said this a million times in both more and less desperate ways but i'd regret not saying it for the millionth and oneth time - lest this time it could change something! i dont know. its fine - it doesnt matter.

[caluski]

it's so strange how there's no purpose to my blogging here either. i post the same things. i repost the same playlists. everything is the same. everything i've said, i've already said before. i mourn the same losses, i exhibit the same patterns over and over again, experience the same few joys still. i am an open book - and even worse so, it's a truly boring one

[caluski]

i dont want to be a mystery. i want to be known and loved so badly. even so deeply flawed

[caluski]

i know that i am saying this with nowhere to go, nowhere to be, worries and troubles weighting on my heart, and no job offers at all. but come escape with me. come with me. nothing really matters

i want to go somewhere so fucking badly i want a 5 hour train i want to fly somewhere. i want to get on a plane and look out the window. i want an airport or railway station coffee. i want to be wanted somewhere. i want to look forward to being somewhere. i want to belong somewhere for a day or two. be where people are

[caluski]

idk if anyone is listening to it but i updated love nd food playlist

[caluski]

i want to go somewhere so fucking badly i want a 5 hour train i want to fly somewhere. i want to get on a plane and look out the window. i want an airport or railway station coffee. i want to be wanted somewhere. i want to look forward to being somewhere. i want to belong somewhere for a day or two. be where people are

[caluski]

how i wish i had the courage to do it.

[caluski]

if i cant have their love, why cant i at least move away far enough so i dont have to see it all

being a witness to the love my parents and siblings share between each other still hurts, though.

[caluski]

being a witness to the love my parents and siblings share between each other still hurts, though.

[caluski]

i guess ive just always wanted to believe that if some people are nice to me occasionally, it means i could be loved. it feels better to believe someone would talk to you sometimes because of who you are, not because of just how nice and kind these people were to agree to talk to you in the first place. looking past your horrible flaws, your bloated ego, selfishness, whatever. i wish i knew how to fix myself. its probably rooted in yet another selfish desire - to be loved, to be wanted - but still.

but there has to be a reason for it all. i cant blame it on my neurodivergency, i cant lie to myself saying its all everyone else's fault and im just a sweet poor victim of their cruelty. there is a reason why i keep spending my birthdays alone in silence, why i celebrate new years in my bedroom, falling asleep before midnight, why my family keeps planning their holidays without me, why my friends used to postpone hang-outs until i was too sick or too broke to go out. there is a reason, i know there is. at this point, it just has to be me

[caluski]

but there has to be a reason for it all. i cant blame it on my neurodivergency, i cant lie to myself saying its all everyone else's fault and im just a sweet poor victim of their cruelty. there is a reason why i keep spending my birthdays alone in silence, why i celebrate new years in my bedroom, falling asleep before midnight, why my family keeps planning their holidays without me, why my friends used to postpone hang-outs until i was too sick or too broke to go out. there is a reason, i know there is. at this point, it just has to be me