#with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in

[nomaishuttle]

uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it

[cocona]

anyway im back here again cos apparently idk what a diary is nor what a private acc is n i dnt want a character limit to say whats on my chest so.

i feel guilty for trying to take my life bcos dealing with the aftermath is a hassle n now my parents have to pay disgusting amounts of money bcos i decided to get shitfaced w porto n xanax at 8am before class n fainted on the bus n almost smashed my skull here n there. n bcos im gross like that the dizziness made me feel so good it was enjoyable to sit on the floor waiting for an ambulance. when they asked me what had happened to me, i was so dazed i started crying n then said i had taken a lot of pills ! which i had. but i didnt mention the alcohol cos i hadnt taken enough for it to be noticeable. barely three gulps. im not even a heavy drinker or whatever n at that point i rlly just wanted to faint or die or sth in between n i didnt achieve any of those. i just rlly . existed n floated until i got admitted in the hospital n put on these robes and started crying a lot cos it all fell on my head. i’d be living monitored. i’d be living. and also, now my parents had to deal with me going to the hospital for the second time in less than a week cos i cant keep my hands off prescription pills. the therapists there kept saying i was banalising it too much n that trying to kill yourself isnt light. but ik that and it’s not because they tell me that i’ll feel any less numb. idc ! hm . idk why im writing this. because im idealising abt passing away again and i feel the need to say it somewhere. the semester is starting in three weeks and id like to be positive about it n hope for the best n start living like a normal college student but already i feel waves of heat all over n my palms are sweating n im starting to feel what i see and see what i feel. it’s so bad . weird ass symptoms i cant explain but that are due to anxiety n dissociation n their weird crossovers. it’s seven in the morning and i havent slept all day. i could easily stay awake until i complete a 24h shift and then clock out for five days. the only reason why i dont try anything dangerous is because i dont want my parents to feel like i cant be trusted just bcos i have wild tendencies. lately ive been afraid of becoming addicted to things because i keep watching things abt them. id never smoke to the point where id be a stoner and id never become an mdma addict but it seems that any form of escape would soothe me greatly. i take engagements that lead nowhere. the director of uni said that he felt like i wasnt there seriously. i am not indeed. i am but a soul trying to leave bcos it’s too much. im tired as hell and i dnt even want to wait for a walk in to take over, i just want to end it all. but at the same time i accepted to go back this semester so my parents wouldnt worry, so i wouldnt be bored, and so tht if i was supposed to meet my soulmate @ uni i dnt miss them. these are laughable reasons but theyre reasons nonetheless. everyone has their ways of coping and finding motivation i suppose. i feel embarrassed to write things for everyone to see but i think only i will be reading this later. listening to sad songs does help to get in a certain headspace. i dont want to sleep because then i wont have these songs. im scared of losing everything else but what i want to lose. i wish i had a valid reason to take time off without having to pay back my scholarship and without feeling like im wasting the resources of medical institutions and professionals. bcos what is there about me. what even is wrong with me. why do i feel so bad ! why do i feel so bad, nothing has ever happened to me and yet i feel stressed and sad n like trash and i want to die but also i have massive ego boosts n im embarrassed n blush a lot . why am i like this. these days ive been asking myself if it’s normal to be still single when ure a wlw n ure 17 but i suppose that since we’re repressed it’s normal. i suppose that since the first girls i ever kissed were my sister then my best friend it’s normal id feel gross about my sexuality. i suppose that after men liberally rubbing their hands on my thighs n boys making fun of my misshaped body through all of my school years it’s only normal that id hate my body. disgust is a common theme, alongside disease and vomiting. things like that. i wish i had a clear image of my duty and role here. all i feel is pain. what am i even here for. i feel like i broke so many rules and that in a sense i cant be saved anyway. i just want to feel loved and useful and like i fit in for once. im tired of saying i like being alone because im too anxious to open up and too timid and used to being talked to first that idk when to stop talking and when i reveal information abt me thats not normal to be revealed in regular human interactions. i want to keep living so that there will be a book with my name with hundreds of unsent letters. perhaps ppl will relate to this later as well. heartache is normal. but why dont i get any precise diagnosis and why am i still doing so bad even after all this time... im tired of being angry and embarrassed and sad and aggressive and disgusted n feeling worthless and useless... give me a purpose.... or give me the tools to leave calmly and quietly... with no loud movements !

[mercurialmoods-blog]

here’s a comment i made on somebody’s post regarding gender dysphoria >>>

(ps if u wanna share ur thoughts n viewpoints go for it! i wanna see different sides)

yes, let non dysphoric trans (cis) people go on hormones and get surgery to give themselves dysphoria. fun fact though, dysphoria doesn���t mean hating yourself. it means its a disconnection from your mind and body. there is physically something screwy with your brain— that CAUSES trans people to be well, trans. how can you identify as anything but cis if you don’t have dysphoria? it just doesn’t make sense scientifically. i’ve been in a relationship with my best friend for almost three years, he’s a trans man and experiences severe dysphoria in some parts, and then not severe dysphoria in others. dysphoria isn’t sobbing and hating yourself, that’s where you’re wrong. like i said, it’s a disconnection. the word “transgender” basically means... transitioning gender. when somebody completely goes through their transition, and then don’t experience dysphoria anymore, thats,,, okay. because they transitioned to get RID of their dysphoria. chances are though, even if you don’t experience sobbing self hating dysphoria, it probably still is dysphoria because if there’s a disconnection then dope! u have dysphoria! for example, my boyfriend experiences rlly bad down genital dysphoria, whereas i have a friend, his name’s oli, who doesn’t really experience it severely. they both have dysphoria though, and they’re both trans, they just experience at different levels. also i rlly dunno what’s with other transmeds and nb ppl bc nb ppl are repped in the trans flag? nb ppl are real so... i dunno whats up w that. you dont need to hate ur body to be trans, that’s not what dysphoria is, there has to be a disconnection— that’s dysphoria— that’s what makes you trans! i’m not trans, i’m cisgender, but i do try and educate myself with facts and science but also in regards to feeling. but transgender isnt just a feeling thing. there are multitudes of people who have started hormones and started transitioning, getting deep into it and realize they shouldnt have started in the first place bc they dont have dysphoria, bc theyre cis. or even w transmeds, (we’re not perfect) maybe the pressure put on “non dysphoric trans people” will try to make those people convince themselves they have dysphoria (when they dont). there’s a reason doctors, PROFESSIONALS make sure you have dysphoria b4 you start hormones. bc they’re dangerous. life altering things. look, tucutes and transmeds, can both be pretty severe. but ik its dangerous to preach “you dont need dysphoria to be trans” bc i care abt the safety and happiness of people i dont even know, because ive seen what dysphoria is like, right in front of me, whether its suffering and crying or a shitty mood or sad aura. its not fun. it’s not pretty. i wouldnt wish it on anyone. that’s why dysphoria is necessary. bc it’s medical, it’s science, it’s a mental illness (not being trans itself, but at the same time. mental illness is a harsh word.) overall you need dysphoria to be trans. thank you. 💓