#every time i go to work. my brain gets Scary at me. stresses me out. dont like it ☹️

[databent]

[pained wailing emoji]

[demarogue]

Gettin' Through the Holidays Mental Health Tricks

If y'all are anything like me, this time of year is triggering AF. Here are some small, very easy grounding exercises that I was taught by my therapist, basically in order of how much I like them for this rage-inducing season. You make like them in a different order, depending on your rage-to-despair ratio.

Push a wall: literally go up to a wall and try to push it over. Really try. I promise you won't push it over, but give it your best shot. Try to hold it as long as you can, and then take a breather and assess whether you need to repeat. Why it works: This is a quick, physical expulsion of the fight-or-flight feeling. It's a bit like punching a wall, but without the potential to hurt yourself/look scary/damage things. You can even do it in front of people and say you're stretching, they'll never know (unless the wall actually falls down, but this will not happen, I assure you).

Shake like a dog: Animals shake to release stress, and you are also an animal. Setting aside time to just shake it out, as vigorously as you can, arms and legs, face, stick your tongue out, pretend you're shaking like a wet dog. You can dance instead, if that feels better, and you can do this to music, but basically the more unhinged you can be, the better. If you are in a place you can scream, scream too! Why it works: like the above, this is a release of pent-up stress and anxiety. Especially if your rage-to-woe ratio is high, some kind of physical exertion is often the best way to burn through the cortisol and adrenaline you're building up.

Bilateral Tapping: Cross your arms over your chest so that your fingertips are at your shoulders, and slowly tap, one hand at a time, back and forth, for about a minute. Breathe slowly. Why it works: This is weird as hell, but because this engages both sides of your brain, it helps override the activity of the amygdala, which is the part of your brain that Makes The Fear. If you're being literally triggered in a situation, i.e. you're having a trauma response, or reliving some family trauma, this is a good one.

Box Breathing: From a comfortable position (can really be seated, laying down or standing), inhale slowly for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, then repeat. You can do it for shorter counts or longer counts, but if you vary the counts make sure the exhale is longer than the inhale. You can close your eyes or leave them open. Why it works: This exercise helps you move from a sympathetic (activated) nervous system response to a parasympathetic (balanced) response. I do this one every day, and it's a good gateway to meditation. Especially helpful in anxious or tense situations, but I find if I'm very triggered I need one of the other ones first, or it can make anxiety worse. Breathwork is amazing but not usually as a first exercise if you're very activated, or have been activated a long time.

Ice: Lots of ways to do this one – hands in cold water for 30 seconds, ice pack on the back of your neck, dip your entire face into a bowl of ice water (this one's the most effective). Why it works: I kinda think this is hilarious, but this activates your mammalian dive reflex. It immediately slows your heart-rate, so if you are feeling your blood pressure and heart rate rising, this one is very good. The only reason this one's at the bottom of my list is because I hate being cold.

I wish you all a very get-through-the-holidays-without-hurting-yourself. Take time alone if you need it.

[kidstemplatte]

papas reacting to fnaf

this is so silly but i’m a diehard fnaf fan. also i started thinking about the parallels between the afton and emeritus family and got rlly emotional LMAO. please enjoy teehee

primo

-you’re sitting at your computer, losing your fucking mind. why is night 4 so hard???

“let me try.” he says.

-you know he won’t get far, bless his heart, but you’ll let him give it a shot.

-little do you know, he’s an absolute BEAST

-he takes a seat at your desk and starts clicking.

so i… stop them?”

“yeah. just don’t let them get into the office.”

“the power’s going down.”

“yeah, when you use the cameras, turn on the lights, or use the doors, it’ll go down. then it’s game over.”

he nods.

-he’s weirdly quiet, clicking away, until you suddenly hear the joyous chimes indicating he’s survived until 6 am.

“is that all?” he goes.

-your mouth is literally agape, you’re in shock.

-it doesn’t scare him at all

-he starts playing the game at his office whenever he needs a break. doesn’t flinch.

-lowkey sheds a tear at henry’s speech.

-he doesn’t like security breach, he prefers the repetitiveness of the old games

-he takes the lore very seriously, like it’s a piece of fine literature LOL

-the story of the afton family is heartbreaking to him and he relates to it a tad </3

-his favorite game is the OG and his favorite character is freddy. he’s a simple man.

secondo

-“this is stupid. what am i supposed to- FUCK! SATANAS! STAI INDIETRO, CREATURA DISGOSTA!”

-he clears his throat.

“i was caught off guard.”

-he doesn’t want to watch the lore videos at first because he thinks it’s “childish” but soon is sucked in.

-watches the lore videos with you and is specifically fascinated with william aftons character.

-he likes kids so he’s immediately disgusted by the cruelty of his actions

-he makes it his life’s mission to unpack the psychology of william afton

-his favorite is fnaf 4, he likes the nightmare designs

-HATES BALLOON BOY. wants to punch him in the face.

-he’s not very good at the games and curses so loudly when he plays because he’s so determined to make it through the night 😭

terzo

-“five nights at freddy’s? why are you spending the night with freddy and not me?”😏

-terzo hates mascots so he’s already scared shitless.

-when he plays the game he talks to himself like a maniac.

“no. stay, bunny. do not move. you too, bear. WHERE DID THE CHICKEN COME FROM? no, let’s NOT eat- eat by yourself, chicken!”

-loses his mind at the jumpscares, screams like a little girl.

-but he’s so interested in the complexity of the lore

-terzo goes down internet rabbit holes late at night LMAO so he’s more than willing to watch lore videos with you

-bro had to do a double take when he saw toy chica💀

-“purple man? he has good taste, no?”

immediately takes it back when he finds out what his deal is

-hums the theme song while he’s at work.

-his favorite game is fnaf 2 (and it has nothing to do with toy chica)

copia

-take a shot every time i say this on my account:

copia is a big fat dork.

(but we all are too, and we love him for it)

-he doesn’t understand it’s scary at first. aww, look at the bear! clicks freddy’s nose on the poster over and over. “boing! boing! boing! boing! boing!”

-but as soon as he checks the cameras he’s like OH. i see what this is.

-he gets so stressed playing the game LMAO

-when you introduce him to the lore he’s so fascinated and deeply invested. it rattles his brain but he can’t get enough.

-the next morning after you watch a video with him he has deep eye bags. you find out he stayed up all night watching lore videos.

-soon he’s a diehard fan. he keeps merch in his office beside his comics and other collectibles.

-his favorite game is pizzeria simulator because he loves the non-scary part 😭

-he loves foxy because he’s “misunderstood”🥺

-and mangle, thinks it’s sad how the kids took her apart and put her back together :,(

-has all the plushies LOL

[ms-demeanor]

hello! sorry to bother w this but im sort of desperate at this point. given your post about school abuse: so like. i had a similar experience and i thought that i had sorted my brain out. BUT. big but. now im trans and every time i have to correct people w/ misgender or come out to people that i dont already know their opinion on the issue, i get an anxiety attack that makes me unable to do it. ive told many therapists and no one so far has understood why im terrified of making stuff that other people can perceive as me being difficult to work with. would you have *any* advice? thanks!

Okay so first of all it is totally valid to feel that way; that isn't an irrational response, that is your body and brain going "!!!! I have learned this lesson before!" But just because it's a sensible response doesn't mean it's functional in the long term, which is why it needs to be addressed (which I'm sure you already know, I'm just explaining for people in the back).

So now here is some meandering advice:

Spend time with people you already know you can trust. It's okay to take a break from new people and situations (as much as is possible) when you are processing traumatic events and learning to care for yourself. Spending time with people who you don't have to come out to, who don't misgender you, can help you normalize being out and correctly gendered to yourself.

Recognize that you don't have to be out to everyone and some assholes aren't worth it. This is going to depend some on the context, but you don't owe everybody an explanation for yourself and if people repeatedly misgender you after being corrected you may just be better off not spending time around those people.

Loop in trusted people in low-stakes ways. If you get the sense that someone who you think is pretty safe has misgendered you on accident, it might still feel too intimidating to correct them in person but it might be a good idea to follow up with text or a call or a message to say "hey, just FYI, I think I heard you use a/b pronouns for me earlier, I just wanted to let you know that I use c/d pronouns. Did you want to meet up again next week?" the breakdown on why I think this is effective is - Distance means you're safe - nonthreatening "FYI" means you aren't saying "I'm offended" and assumes good faith from the other person - feels less accusatory (not that you need to tone police yourself, but if you're trying to lower the stress level overall then assuming it was a mistake and letting them know you don't think it was on purpose should reduce the overall tension) - request to meet up again or topic switch to something lighter once again says "I'm not mad, that was just regular information, we can now return to our scheduled programming"

I think that, generally speaking, this is also a decent way to come out to people if you're nervous; physically remote and emotionally casual can be a good place to work from (even if you're actually panicking in your head but you can pull off casual in a written message)

Find (or create) a space where people are 100% going to support you. If you need to create a discord server, if you need to schedule a regular coffee date with trusted friends or family members, whatever it is, give yourself a space where you are unconditionally supported and can have people to bounce ideas and concerns off of. Even if it's just you and one other person, it's good to know you have *someone* who you can say "I think I want to tell this other person to use my pronouns but it's scary" to and know that you're not at risk in any way. I'd say try to make sure that you're still interacting with people outside of that space, but have a space to retreat to where you can just drop the worry.

Recognize that somebody else's problem is not a reflection of you. If you have, for instance, a coworker who is being a piece of shit and refusing to recognize your gender, that is not a reflection of your gender that is a reflection of them being a piece of shit. If there is a classmate or a sibling who uses the wrong pronouns after being corrected that doesn't mean you're not entitled to your pronouns that means they are being a piece of shit. Some people are just not going to accept you and that's on them. Try to minimize your time spent with them and if you have to spend time with them at work take steps to ensure your safety, but don't fight losing battles with assholes.

It really is legitimately scary. You have good reasons to be scared and you are doing a very frightening thing (and not to do the meme thing but you are legitimately being so brave about it; the fact that you are reaching out and asking anyone for help, including randos on the internet, means that you are taking steps to doing the scary thing and that is SO GOOD and I'm really proud of you for making the effort in spite of the fear).

Here is some less meandering advice:

Practice. Talk to yourself in the mirror, practice with friends, practice with your therapist. Practice coming out to yourself in a casual way. Practice correcting your pronouns. Practice an introduction for yourself that explains the information you want to give to new people you might meet. Get it down to a quick little patter, get it to be something that's easy to say to yourself in the mirror first, then try it with friends for practice, then try it around the safer people you might want to give the information to. It'll get easier as you go.

Look for a local support group (or an online support group). If there's a local LGBTQ+ center you should see if they've got events going on or a support group you can join or workshops or any manner of social thing where you can go interact with people who have been through similar stuff.

Journal. Each time you find yourself frightened of talking to someone about your gender, do what you need to to get through the day and then sit down and think about that interaction. Write down what happened, write down what you were thinking. Was there something in particular that made you anxious? Is it something you can practice addressing? Was there something you noticed about the person that made you uncomfortable? Is that a common thread in the times you have trouble talking about this? If you're able to narrow down specifically what is making it hard to speak to some people that might make it easier to explain to therapists but will also make it more actionable for you.

Here's some very optimistic advice:

If at all possible find a friend who will be rabid and unflinching in their support for you and hang out with them around new people. Get yourself an attack dog copilot who will cheerfully step up and make corrections for you. I know not everyone can do this and I know that if you can find someone like this they can't be around all the time, but it can be wonderfully reassuring to find that one person who you know is going to be ride or die about making sure that everyone in the room respects you. (Being that person for someone else can also teach you how to be that person for you)

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

Has anyone asked you about erisol?

If no, then what's your opinion on them! :-)

I feel like people will be upset at me for this, but a completely platonic and completely lukewarm mutual dislike... they don't really like each other, but take no great issue with each other either. The boys are not fightingggg

So like. A common thing in fandoms is taking things at face value and not really reading any deeper into them. You see this a shitton with Eridan in general - lots of people take it 100% at face value that he's a casteist genocide liker, when it's pretty clear upon further examination that he's pretty much lying about being casteist and doesn't actually want to murder his friends. So, at face value, Eridan hates Sollux, and either wants to do spadesies with him, or go ashen with him. And so this has become a really popular ship, but the thing is... at basically every turn, the story kind of goes out of its way to point out that there's actually nothing between them. At least romantically.

See, Eridan does not actually hate Sollux, at least not to the level of pitch/ashen. TWICE before Sollux and Feferi start hanging out all the time, we see Eridan commenting on Sollux in a fairly neutral-negative way - the first time calling him "a drama machine" and noting that "it is fuckin pathetic," and the second time as "the dead guy who saved [Feferi]". And let's be clear about the former, Eridan is just kind of Like That, he's rude as fuck even about people he LIKES (calling his BFF Karkat an "assblood" and sarcastically referring to Feferi by her royal titles), so that's actually one of the less nasty things he's said about someone.

Meanwhile, on Sollux's end, he LITERALLY says "not interested" to what he perceives as pitch/ashen advances from Eridan. Like, actually just says those words out loud. Not even in a pesterlog, he actually just says those words with his mouth.

So it seems to me that there's a pretty clear case to be made here that Eridan and Sollux kind of just... don't really give a shit about each other, and probably wouldn't have interacted in any substantial way if not for Feferi's involvement. Especially because Eridan's chosen method of hitting on Sollux is with casteism, something he's already faking in the first place.

If we really want to dig into this, though, it's kind of - in my eyes - a lukewarm case of the hedgehog dilemma. They're a bit too similar, and it winds up causing them both mild pain to get too close.

They're both nihilists that kind of hate themselves. Sollux's mutated brain causes him a not-insignificant amount of discomfort, his visions of the future and of the "imminently doomed" have made him lose a lot of hope, and he blames himself for killing Aradia, something so painful that he didn't tell anyone else she died, to the point where most of the team - including Terezi and Tavros - had to find out after entering the game. Meanwhile, Eridan struggles with the perceived inevitability of a lifestyle that causes him nothing but distress, and his constant, overwhelming anxiety about it leads to constant stressing over whether or not he's "good enough"; whenever he's in severe emotional distress, he starts beating up on himself.

They also both front at being more okay with their problems than they actually are. Sollux has his 1337 hacker, two cool for you persona that he puts on, and Eridan is always trying to be the big bad sea dweller. For example, Sollux goes "I'm not trolling the humans, it's beneath me," but he's in Jade's trollslum, so the implication there is that he totally did try trolling, it went badly for him, and now he's pretending that he was always better than that. And I don't think I need to tell you how hard Eridan works to try and present himself as badass and scary and totally not deep in the throes of emotional anguish at all times.

And these are the similarities that ultimately make Erisolsprite so stable. Erisolsprite speculates that maybe the reason he hasn't exploded yet is that deep down, he loves to suffer. The truth is, there's nothing between the two that's really so objectionable that they would ACTUALLY hate each other; Eridan isn't actually casteist, and Eridan never really hated Sollux in the first place.

Neither would they bring each other any comfort or joy - Eridan doesn't have any sympathy for Sollux's baggage, since, like, what, he only killed ONE person, and was even under mind control, so it's not like it was really his fault. He's a drama machine. And Sollux wouldn't have sympathy for Eridan's problems, partially because they manifest in such cringeworthy, embarrassing ways (and Sollux is highly sensitive to not being cringe, seeing as he's always commenting on other people being embarrassing or overly earnest), and partially because - I mean, fuck it, he's a rich-ass sea dweller who doesn't need to worry about being harvested to be a battery for a living ship. And also he's an idiot.

That's kind of what their relationship is to me, you know? A tepid and lukewarm dislike. They're just similar enough to each other to understand the other, and just different enough to be like "ugh, but that guy suuuuuuuucks". It's very funny, but not really a ship, hahaha.

So what you really get from that is two guys that just kind of dislike each other. Not vehemently or diametrically enough for pitch or ashen, and not a trace of the requisite pity for flushed or pale. When you throw the two together into one sprite, it won't shut up about how much it hates itself, how each part of itself is flabberghasted by the other, and how much practically the only reason it doesn't explode is a resounding "meh."

Eridan likes to validate his despair; ironically, since it's all he's ever known, it's where he feels comfortable - and nobody would provide better doomscrolling material than the doom player. Similarly, Sollux likes to torment himself, suffering his guilt in silence, and Eridan has SO MUCH to feel guilty over. Combine them into one entity, and you have a guy who can reach SUCH levels of revelling in his own misery, you don't even KNOW.

Not that it's healthy or positive for either of them... just that it would be incredibly stable. It's their worst tendencies being satisfied by each other. Maybe that's a form of leprechaun romance, but it's certainly not a quadrant.

[silencingspellsongs]

fuck it, caller time

aka i'm gonna ramble out ideas i've had of future audios i want from him and ppl can take them as writing prompts if they want or we can all work together to beam them psychically into erik's brain over the next 6 months

minors don't interact i get spicy in here oop 🔞 also tw dub-con content in here but if you're into the yandere caller character i feel like you can kind of expect that ‼️

i was originally planning on writing a fic with all these ideas in it but i don't have the time or the spoons for that and so instead of just rotating them in my mind forever and driving myself slowly insane i thought i would just throw them out into the ether because maybe they'll inspire someone else or make someone else insane too teehee 🤭

• sweetie gets home from a long day at work, they're exhausted. they don't have the energy to fuck with making dinner, maybe this is part of a pattern for them where they often neglect themself because they're too tired/it's easier to just go lay down and forget about responsibilities (is this me just working through my own mental health things? yes. yes it is.)

they're curled up on the couch and then there's a knock at the door or their doorbell rings. they get up and answer it and there's a pizza delivery Guy there who seems pretty unfazed by the confused look on their face. he's got an order for them, their usual order in fact, but they tell him they didn't order anything. he pulls out the receipt and double checks the address, tells them it was already paid for and everything. then he notices there's a note in the instructions on the receipt which he reads out to them. "it says 'for my sweetie, you had a long day, eat and get comfortable. i'll call you soon. xoxo"

oblivious to the way sweetie's entire body freezes up, Guy goes on to say something about how nice it is that they have such a caring partner, hands over their order and then leaves. sweetie's phone then starts to ring. they know better than to ignore it and when they answer, caller praises them. tells them to enjoy the food, talks to them about how it's a good thing he's here to take care of them. mentions how watching them neglect their own needs frustrates him but that's why he's here now.

i would imagine that this would maybe start out with that creep feeling of anxiety that his audios give but it does end up mellowing into something of a soothing stress relief type scenario. caller walking sweetie through some self care ideas: making sure they eat up, take a hot shower or a relaxing bubble bath afterwards, maybe they could even use a massage (here's where some spicy references would get thrown in, we all know this guy loses his mind thinking about touching sweetie 🥴) laid out on their bed, body still warm and damp from the water... smelling like their soap, his favorite smell now because it reminds him of them. his hands tracing over their back. firm but warm, digging into the knots in their shoulders. running over every inch of them... exploring, memorizing, claiming. he gets all breathy in that way of his but like always he backs it up. not yet, not tonight.

in the end they're left with the instructions of how to take care of themself the rest of the night and the promise that he's always here to make sure they do it. lots more creepy praise before the call ends.

• i need JEALOUSY. i need possessive, feral, pissed off jealous caller. i need that sort of shit that would make the people that complain about David's jealousy audio's heads explode. i need it to be mean and messy and ANGRY and growly and scary and i need it like oxygen in my lungs.

it could be someone from work, or maybe a neighbor in their apt complex, or maybe it's just some stranger at the grocery store. someone's caught sight of sweetie and is shooting their shot. i think for this scenario, the way i imagine it as an audio, sweetie would be on the phone with said person. some guy is talking them up over the phone, really laying it on thick but not super directly asking them out just yet. moreso laying the ground work for it but it's still pretty obvious he's looking to get into their pants but sweetie is... well sweetie's maybe a little oblivious or maybe they just don't have the self confidence to believe that this guy's actually into them. (we've gotten the idea from the other caller audios that sweetie definitely doesn't think highly of themself so that's where this characterization is coming from btw)

whatever the situation, the sound of another incoming call beeps over the phone (do cell phones even do that anymore? i don't ever call people so i don't know but it's fantasy ok we can just pretend ❤️) and sweetie knows what that "unknown caller" flashing on their screen means. they try to end the conversation with flirty guy but he doesn't take the hint, tries to keep them on the line. sweetie's too much of a pushover to just hang up on someone so they keep trying to walk this conversation to an end point and the call waiting beeping stops when they don't pick up.

big mistake.

and they know it's a big mistake when the call waiting beeping starts up again. and here's where some of the more strange caller audio things can start happening. we still don't know just what this guy is, stealth? demon? offshoot of echo? not sure exactly what kind of supernatural stuff is in his wheelhouse but dealer's choice on what starts to happen when he calls the second time. maybe the call with the flirty guy starts to break up, or hangs up all on its own. maybe sweetie starts to hear the thumps around their house again. whatever it is, it's obvious that the caller wants them to answer him.

sweetie finally picks up the call and oh boy. oh baby. ooooh it's not very nice. caller is furious. in the beginning it would seem that he's pissed at sweetie and they would react accordingly, being afraid of him as they still must be (even if by this point they started to mellow on him like he talks about wanting, how over time they would get used to him and not be so scared.) his tone is sharp and you can almost feel the anger radiating off him just through the sound of his voice when he tells sweetie to get on their bed. now.

caller is like barely holding it together but it quickly becomes obvious that his anger isn't directed at sweetie, he's ranting about the audacity of the other guy for thinking he could take them away from him. this could get many levels of unhinged, talking about hurting the other guy, talking about locking sweetie up away from anyone else who thinks they can have them, just basically all the most delicious yandere freak shit imaginable.

if my prayers were to come true, this scenario would be a spicy one. caller wanting to prove to sweetie that they belong to him. possessive, growly, jealous over-the-phone joi bonus audio. talks of marking them. claiming them. owning them. it's overwhelming but caller is never like explicitly pissed off at sweetie, mostly pissed they didn't just hang up on that other guy. caller is heavy on the praise as he watches them. yeah, this would probably be in the dub-con category given the relationship between caller and sweetie and i understand not everyone is down for that but also it's kind of baked into these two at the core and well ivan's whole thing was dub-con as hell and he got a bonus audio soooo don't like/don't interact and all that jazz.

anyways this ends with caller demanding sweetie to block that guy's number lol

• ok last one i have fleshed out is another kind of idk if nicer is the right word for it considering caller's whole thing but yeah ok it's like a nicer/softer one. something like the first scenario i had where it's moreso to help get sweetie comfortable with the caller, like he wants.

sweetie's asleep. having a nightmare. are we at all surprised if i say they're having a nightmare about the caller? not to keep harping back to ivan (i can't help it, i'm a yandere enjoyer and ivan scratched that itch so right, rip king i know you aren't dead but you're not possessed by a sadism demon anymore so it's basically the same thing 💔) but the vibes are similar to baby 2.0 having ivan nightmares. those sequences were always so good ugh i loved them.

anyways sweetie is having a Bad Time���, hell maybe the nightmare itself isn't centered around caller but maybe in the dream caller is acting as a savior to something else that's scaring them and that fact itself is a little terrifying to them. that's almost juicier, your tormentor becoming your salvation? mmmm

whatever the case, sweetie is pulled from the nightmare by a noise that wakes them up. big surprise, it's their phone ringing at god-only-knows o'clock in the still dark morning. and who else would it be but the person from their dream: their unknown caller.

he's... softer than normal. maybe his own voice has that sleep-gruff quality to it. he tells sweetie that they were thrashing around, must have been a nightmare. he didn't like seeing them distressed. he soothes them a bit, tells them to relax back into bed. maybe there's a glass of water on their bedside table that wasn't there when they first went to bed, ice still floating in it as if it was freshly placed before they woke up.

he talks for a while, letting the sound of his voice help them relax. at some point he asks what their nightmare was about. sweetie tries to deflect, or tries to lie about it hut his voice gets hard for a moment. reminds them of the rules. no lying. they relent and tell caller about it. if it was the dream where something else terrible was happening but caller saved them from it, he would be happy about that. he'd ask them why that made them upset. he's told them before, he'a here to make things better. he's going to fix things for them. sweetie's dream is proof of that, that they're starting to see him in that way.

this would definitely be a sleep aid type scenario. caller talking sweetie back to sleep. i can almost imagine it having that effect like in the first audio where the audio of the call itself has primarily been coming from one side, like if you were talking over the phone. at some point during this, sweetie has rolled over and the phone's pressed between their head and the pillow. their eyes are closed as they start to fall back asleep. then there's that sound of the breathing from the other side, not the huffing ragged breath designed for the creep factor in the first audio but a softer breathing. like sleeping next to a lover. and sweetie falls asleep.

haha ok anyways that was.... A Lot of typing 😅 like i said these are some scenario ideas i've had swimming around in my head over the last 6 months of relistening to the caller's first audio a frankly obscene and concerning amount of times. these ideas are open for anyone who wants to use them as inspiration or prompts, or for building off of in my DMs to make me short circuit lmao whatever tickles your fancy.

all i ask is that if these do inspire something in a fic writer out there that wants to write them, please please pleaaaase tag me so i can read it and go feral about it 🤪

also please other caller enjoyers talk to me this man is in my walls he's haunting me i need solidarity to survive the drought of however long it'll take for us to hear from him again 🥺🥺

[fruitless-vain]

So Yoshi is a service dog. Does Sham have a job too?

Also, do dogs enjoy learning commands? Is it more like play or a chore for them?

Shams job is keeping his brain cell between his ears, it’s a really rigorous task that consumes his whole day but someone’s gotta do it 😔

(Yoshi is the only SD in my home, Shams ‘just’ a pet. He knows how to retrieve certain items that are too heavy for Yo which he’ll do for me from time to time at home but that’s it for him)

Whether or not a dog enjoys cued behaviours tends to depend on a couple variables - how that behaviour was taught, the dog’s personality, and their history with the behaviour

How it’s taught:

If you teach a dog to walk loose leash by kicking them (exaggeration, don’t do that) every time they walk ahead you’ll eventually get them to stop walking ahead of you but they won’t be doing it because they enjoy it. They’ll be walking behind you because they’re scared and stressed by the potential outcome of walking ahead.

If you offer rewards for walking by your side they’ll be walking there because they’re excited about the potential outcome. They’ll end up enjoying loose leash walking because the anticipation of the rewards is firing off all those happy chemicals in the brain making the activity reinforcing and enjoyable.

(There’s so much more nuance to this but you get the idea)

The dog:

Some dogs were bred with following human cues in mind, by default their brains want to receive information from someone, they can find joy in the mere principle of getting a direction (herders, retrievers, etc)

Some dogs were bred with independence in mind, their heads need to be able to problem solve independently, or be focused on the environment (sled dogs, guardian breeds, etc.). As such they might not be as engaged in traditional behaviour=reward sequences and therefore less suited for service dog level behaviours.

Within breed categories each dog will have their own personal preferences, what they find rewarding, how long they can hold focus for, how much they actively want to work. Yoshi, my SD, a herder, can hold focus and react to cues on a dime for hours, she can do repetitive training sessions multiple times a day without losing motivation or eagerness to participate, she can get the same single piece of kibble as a reward for a month and not get bored of it. Sham, my northern mix pet dog, can focus for about 15 minutes on a good day, loses interest in repeated cue sessions, needs loads of breaks, and values environmental rewards over much else.

Both can be taught basic cues and have fun with training sessions but some will not thrive in more intense training settings that don’t line up with their personality and breed traits.

History with the behaviour:

Even if all the stars align, you trained the behaviour where the dog highly enjoys it, the dog is highly motivated, and everything seems perfect you can end up with a dog that hates the behaviour just because of something that happened one day.

If I’ve asked my dog to sit 200x and nothing bad happens and she’s excited to do it then one day I ask her to sit and a blast of lightning and thunder goes off behind her and scares her heavily it’s possible that she will be afraid of sitting again. The environment poisoned the cue for her, if it was scary enough she could think that sitting might make the lightning occur so she’ll be averse to sitting out of fear for that lightning again.

If you feed them from a certain bowl for years, hide medication in their food one day and they find it + it’s gross they will start to be wary of that bowl and potentially avoid eating anything from that same bowl again (or avoid that food entirely). One bad experience poisoned both the eating behaviour and the container itself.

(This is a huge reason why SD handlers hate seeing pets in not pet friendly places, one bad experience while the dog is in gear can cause them to anticipate being attacked by a dog any time they go to work. Causing the SD to have to retire early)

For the fundamentals of cues and training a dog /should/ enjoy it! The whole point of training is that it’s a fun enriching experience for the animals involved, it makes communication a two way street, makes living with one another easier, and allows for compromises to be made for the benefit of everyone. Any dog Can enjoy basic training, sometimes you need to get creative with what rewards you use, and sometimes training looks like one singular rep instead of 15 minutes of repetitions. Training gets their brains thinking, enhanced problem solving, and is overall a very enriching game.

When we’re talking in the service dog degree of things we absolutely do not want our dogs to feel like any of their tasks are “chores”, a dog who loathes their tasks is unreliable, doesn’t like their job, and will usually end up retiring early. You want a service dog to love their job, a dog who’s excited every time they’re needed, who gears up for work readily, and wants to work, is a dog who is actively looking for things to do, is paying attention for scent alerts, is responding to cues promptly and efficiently, is ready for the worst case scenario. A dog who doesn’t love their job is a dog who might not pay attention to a scent alert, who might not respond in an emergency, and a dog that’s ultimately just unhappy.

If a behaviour is seen as a chore then something went wrong down the road and we need to evaluate if it’s something we can fix or if it’s something the dog just doesn’t enjoy. End goal for any training is always for the dog to be an eager and excited participant who’s having fun with the entire process

[glaciertea]

Masterlist here~

Tales the Songs Weave

Ch.5<< >>Ch.7

Notes: Miguel is enjoying your presence with each passing day. Realizations is slowly creeping through.

Chapter 6: Tell Me that You Love Me...

Word count: 2.1K

Three weeks passed when you first officially hung out.

Six weeks when Miguel's “tabs” turned into genuine daily conversations ranging from text messages to phone calls that he never imposed on missing.

Nine weeks when things began to take a turn.

Over the course, you two have gotten closer. Miguel would sneak from his workstation over to your humble abode at any chance that was available. 

It eventually became a routine, a regime. Wednesday nights were the ceremonial ‘hangout days,’ as you had every Thursday off.

And every Wednesday, Miguel had justifications on precisely why he should not be troubled on that particular day.

“I need to double check if the code for stabilizing dimensions is up to date.” Liar.

“I'm performing augmented machinery work for the portal watches. They've been malfunctioning for me.” Bullshit.

“I'm tired.” That was sort of true, but it never slowed him down before.

Whenever someone even attempts to debate or raise any doubts, he flares, defensively striking more so than usual. It became a phrase around the coven of Spider-people.

“Be careful; it's ‘Snappy Wednesdays’ for Miguel.” Would be telephoned throughout.

It vexed him to no end. If he wanted to remain unbothered, he should just be permitted to do so with no hassle. But no, it's never that easy for him. It was never easy until he crossed that threshold. 

When he steps through your door, the stress and the unease lingers yet vanish. A strange balance.

“Are they still giving you hell about leaving?”

You poured the boiled noodles into a cauldron as Miguel was sprawled out on your couch, his sheathed claws harshly massaging his temples.

“Yes, and today was no better. I swear if I hear one more, ‘but are you sure you want to leave? It's a scary world out there,’ I'm going to lose it ¿Por qué tengo que ser uno para ponerlos todos? ¿Por qué me estoy plagando de estos idiotas?”

You peer up at the grouchy man and smile. 

“I just don't understand why they're not used to it by now. I mean, maybe the first or second time it'll be weird, but the fifth or sixth? It's just a routine at that point. Or maybe that's just me. I can't speak for everyone.” You giggle, dumping the spaghetti in the meat sauce, and begin to stir.

“No, you're right. I just wish they would get used to it. Having to endure this shit is mind-numbing.”

You hobbled over to him with a giant bowl of pasta for him and a decent portion for you.

“Well, I hope there's some solace here. Even if it's just a smidgen.” You wormed your way right next to him before handing him his portion, crossing your legs on the sofa.

“Trust me when I say there's peace within these walls.” Miguel twirled the fork around.

“As peaceful as an apartment building can get, so a good forty-five percent.”

“Why so low?”

“Have you ever heard neighbors going at it in the middle of the night? I mean, they're certainly finding solace in each other! There's other factors, of course, but that's the biggest.”

A shared laugh broke out as you sighed in unison.

A comforting quietude rested; the only sounds being made were the clanking and clattering of the forks against the bowls.

“I've been meaning to ask, what's the name of the store you work for?” He filled in a little bit of space between you two.

“Huh, I never told you? I swore I did.”

Miguel shook his head.

“Guess I've gotten so comfortable around you, my brain assumes I did tell you.”

That rocked Miguel. You felt comfort in his presence? Was it an obligation or authentic? He disrupted that train of thought and briskly attuned his focus back to you.

“Alright, are you ready for the name?” You perched your dish on the table, relaxing your palms on your full belly.

“Sí, tan listo como siempre lo estaré. Go for it.”

“Adequate Antique Antics.”

Miguel's eyes flickered as his brain made an effort to process what you said.

“Adequate anti- what now?”

“Adequate Antique Antics. Bit of a tongue twisting mouthful, isn't it?”

He nodded in agreement, setting his bowl next to yours.

“Eso estuvo delicioso. So why did she name the store that?”

Your face heated at the compliment he gave you. He was just expressing that he enjoyed the spaghetti. Yet it made you giddier than how you normally would react.

“I'm glad you enjoyed it. And she didn't pick it–a family-owned business. You know how that goes.” Settling more onto the couch, minding the glass bowls, you prop your feet and free a displeasing sigh.

“She's been in a fight with her parents to change the name ever since I can remember. And oh my gosh, I'm still hearing about it until this day!”

Miguel blinked as he waited for you to continue. A week or so ago, he picked up on your facial expressions when you were done speaking. 

And you clearly weren't.

“For nearly three and a half years I've been working there, she somehow manages to bring up the argument for the name every day without fail. And here I'm thinking I'm persistent, but my goodness.”

Miguel snickered at your heated explanation. “Ronnie sounds very vehement.”

“I prefer hard-headed. But that works too.”

You grin at each other as you pretend to readjust yourself, scooting closer to him.

“I'm weirdly tempted to meet this Ronnie and see what she's like in person.”

You blew a raspberry before flinging a hand over your mouth. You possibly got too comfortable around him. 

Miguel lifted a brow at that reaction from you. He's never seen you do that before.

“Ah! I'm sorry. An atypical response I get sometimes. Just a slip of the tongue.” You cringed at the unintentional pun.

“I think it's adorable.” Now it was Miguel's turn to wince. The difference was that he hid it well.

You squirmed in your seat before mentally scolding yourself.

“Oh, thank you. That's very sweet of…”

You trailed off, gazing into his hypnotizing, vermillion eyes. Miguel returned the stare, taking in every part of your face. 

Every inch, from your eyes, your nose, your lips, and more. How your skin gleamed–even if the lights were dimmed in your apartment, it still managed to make you shine ever so brightly.

Dazing back simultaneously, you both spun your heads towards the front. Your heart pounded so hard that even your stomach felt it. Miguel controlled his breathing, his cheeks heating up. 

He couldn't. He shouldn't.

“Um, but yes, if you want to. Ronnie can be a bit of an intense menace, but she means well. Well, as well as one can mean.”

“That's how I feel about Peter.” Miguel grumbled. Even speaking his name causes him to instinctively grouch about it.

“From the stories you told about him, putting those two together under one roof?” You shuddered just at the thought of it.

“She can't be as bad as Peter.”

You gave Miguel a tentative look.

“It's that bad?”

You heavily nodded your head. “Minus the baby.”

“Funny how we both have someone who causes some sense of hassle.”

You gave a crooked smile. “It's a curse but also a blessing. Because at the end of the day, we know they just want the best.”

“For themselves?”

“Yes, but also in general. Though I don't fully agree with the methods she uses, Ronnie will always have my back. For example, if ever I need a day off for an emergency, I know I will receive it. Or when she told me I get every Thursday off. I was skeptical at first, but no, she kept her word. I only had to come in one Thursday because it was so heavily swamped, but I did not mind whatsoever. She goes out of her way to help me, and if she ever needs something, I'm willing to sacrifice to help her out. And I'm sure if you ever required anything, Peter would be there for you, and in return, you would do the same for him.”

Miguel could only gape.

“Heck, that even goes for us. Remember the first time you slept over? I told you I wouldn't let you suffer because you also helped me.” You laid your head back and stared at the ceiling.

“I personally like to think it's a give and give, with an occasional receive. Self-sacrifice? Maybe that's what I'm thinking of. I don't mind giving, but I'm also human, so if one is glad to lend more, then I'm going to return that favor, if not extra.”

“Some may see it as a beneficiary sort of deal. I helped this person out, so I should get something in return. Even though we humans are very reliant on one another in certain ways, some can use it for selfish needs.” You began to leisurely drum on your stomach.

Jutting up from your laid-back posture, you rotated your body toward him.

“I'm so sorry for the rambling. I hope anything I said made even a lick of sense.”

Your voice was slightly panicked before Miguel placed his hand on your arm, making sure to retract his claws.

“No, you're fine. I understood what you were alluding to.”

Your eyes landed on his fingers. They were calloused against your skin. He was always gentle around you.

“You aren't necessarily afraid to give and get nothing in return. But you're willing to go beyond and above for those who also have your best interests in mind.”

“Yeah! Wow, you summed up my spiel so easily. It might be that super duper smart spider brain.”

You giggled as his shoulders shook with a breathless laugh.

“Si. My spider brain is too highly advanced for many common people.”

You stared at him. He meant for it to come off as a joke. The problem was that his delivery was stern and dry. It almost sounded as if he suggested it as more of a statement.

He began to tighten until your face creased buoyantly. “It undoubtedly is for me. I'm going to assume jokes don't come easy for you?”

He slumped, and his jaw slackened. “I've been told I'm not funny.”

“You give me more sarcasm vibes than jokey ones. And I do enjoy a good sarcastic reply.”

You nudge him mischievously, garnering a joking eye roll. 

You two carried on your conversation until, at one point, Miguel self-reflected while you went to the shower.

Miguel bit his bottom lip as his mind raced to the earlier conversation. He sacrifices, but does he self-sacrifice? He gives up so much for the others, but do they even acknowledge his efforts? He’s aware they won't do the same, but would it be different if it were someone closer? 

It never crossed his mind how much he exactly does. The trillions that he's keeping safe. He's willing to let a few things go for them.

The one he truly wanted to keep safe is gone. He would be ready to give up everything just for her.

Miguel got startled as your voice sprang from the corner.

“You know what I was thinking–you should visit the antique shop! It would be fun to show you all the vintage items scattered!”

Sensing that there was something off, you sped over to him.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

Miguel bowed his head. “Yeah, I'm fine. Just lost in thought.”

“Well, if you ever wanna talk about it, just let me know, okay?” You rubbed his shoulder, kneading it some to relieve a bit of pressure. “Know I'm here for you.”

That smile. That tranquil, patient smile you give him makes his heart skip a beat. Those considerate sparkling eyes that have him believe things are okay, even if it's just for a split second.

Would he give everything up for you as well?

A string breaks loose.

He decided to not dwell on it anymore.

“What were you saying before you came in?” He smoothly switched the conversation.

“Oh! You should visit the shop. If you want to or have time, of course. We're open from nine until seven.”

“I'll try, but I don't know if I really can during the day.”

You swallowed your disappointment and waved your hand. “Remember, just an offer! I'll probably still be working there for the next few years anyway, so I'm sure we'll still get time in the future.”

He was shocked. You would still want to be around him? He doesn't believe he's particularly special.

And there are just too many wrongs within him that would turn anyone away.

“Yeah, I will see.”

You flopped yourself on the sofa as you proceeded to converse until Miguel had to leave.

“We will see.” He murmured, staring up at your apartment complex, and trudged away.

[treacheryinblue]

Chapter 3/?

× Elysium (noun) : a place or condition of ideal happiness. type of: fictitious place, imaginary place, mythical place.

Word Count: 9.3k

Masterlist

A Noah Sebastian x OC Series

× Summary: Noah and his new found (sort of) friend, Persephone, battle the trivial ins and outs of being teenagers in a world that doesn't accept you. They survive together all the way into adulthood - with bouts of loneliness included - where the world is still a fickle bitch.

× Warnings!: language, violence, slowburn, friends to lovers to enemies back to friends, rinse and repeat (not even in that order), eventual smut, sexual themes, etc. Each chapter will have its own set of separate warnings.

× Author Notes: ( 1 ) And there I go again with the too much rambling and making chapters entirely too long. What's the preference when it comes to things like this? ( 2 ) Don't forget that there will be no smut or sexual descriptions while Persephone is still a minor aka anytime before 2016. ( 3 ) Another time jump will be coming up within the next chapter. As I stated before, I'm not trying to dwell too long in the past for them, but my brain always has a way of dragging things out. This may also be the last chapter of Seph as a minor... ◔‿◔

× Chapter Warnings!: language, brief sexual themes

SUMMER OF 2014

FRIDAY AUGUST 1st

NOAH

“Did you guys hear about Persephone?” 

Everyone stared at the dark haired girl - now known as Alexa - after she dropped down into the booth next to Folio, waiting for her to continue. 

“Ya know, after her party last weekend?” 

Christ, if this girl didn't just spit it out. Noah didn't want to hear about Seph, no, but he for some reason felt anxious about whatever was about to be revealed. It already wasn't sitting right with him. 

“Well, her parents apparently came home early because someone cut their security cameras back on to the live setting, and they saw all of it. The people, the alcohol, the huge mess she hadn't been able to get cleaned up yet. It was bad.” 

Alexa was nodding as she spoke, though she was now taking a long pause. They could sense she had more to say, so Noah made a face for her to continue, which she huffed and did. Folio’s new girl was cool and all, but damn did she have a flare for the dramatics. She also had this weird power of knowing everything about everyone. It was a little scary.

“A little birdy told me that Seph then had a masssivveee breakdown. I'm talking a full on freak out. She trashed the place even more, broke some priceless vases her mom had, got blood everywhere because she accidentally cut herself on the glass or some shit. Yeah, it was insane. Something legit right out of a movie.” 

Noah was fighting back the urge to spew his lunch everywhere. His stomach was churning, his insides turning every which way, and there was no end in sight for it. He was avoiding everyone's gaze, instead choosing to stare at a blank spot on the table while processing what Alexa was saying. 

“Who did you hear that from?” Nick spoke up, obviously suspicious of the story. He was the only one who really knew what happened between him, Seph, and Maisie that night, so of course he was going to dig deeper. 

“I shouldn't even be telling anyone this, but my brother was a paramedic at the scene. He said he thinks it was all stress induced, but some people are saying she was on drugs.” 

“No, she didn't do drugs.” Noah shook his head, refusing to believe that rumor. It was clear there was a lot that Seph needed to work on, but he wasn't going to let her name be dragged through the mud over something he knew wasn't true. 

“Drugs, no drugs. Doesn't matter. Her parents sent her away to some facility up state but they're telling people she's spending her senior year studying abroad in Sweden or somewhere posh sounding like that.” 

“That's fucking wild,” Folio sighed while shoving a couple of fries into his mouth. “Pretty bummed I only got to go to one of her parties.”

“Shut up, Folio,” Noah heavily exhaled, his thumb and pointer finger rubbing and digging at his eyes. 

There was a part of him that didn't believe it, or rather didn't want to believe it. But if Alexa's brother was there, then he had to admit that was a pretty reliable source. And after what he saw that night, it was all pretty plausible. 

Fucking hell. 

SPRING TO SUMMER 2015

PERSEPHONE 

Fingertips lightly traced the tiny delicate scars that now scattered across the top and bottom of her hands. There was a point months ago when she was worried about how they would heal, nervous as to whether or not they'd always look red and angry. Thankfully that wasn't the case, for they were small and white, barely noticeable unless you were close enough or already knew they were there. The soles of her feet carried identical scars, all because of the shards of glass she had stupidly walked over. 

“We've still never really talked about why you thought you couldn't seek help or guidance, Persephone.” 

Although she heard the older woman’s question, her eyes remained down on her hands. The same scars she had stared at for days upon days were way more interesting than whatever bullshit she was going to try prying from her today. Only sometimes did she give the woman a bit of information, just to tide her over so she could report to her parents that she was making ‘great progress’. 

“You really want to know?” 

“Well, yes, of course.” 

Slowly nodding, Seph took in a deep breath before dropping her hands into her lap and finally lifting her gaze to the older woman. She held her pen at the ready, fully prepped to scribe down anything of importance she may divulge. 

“I figured there was no point in ever telling people about what was happening inside of me. It was best kept inside, like everything else.” 

“Why did you feel that way?”

Seph shrugged, arms crossing over her chest in a defensive manner. Yep, the woman was right on it with that damned pen too. Of course she was going to take note of her stance. 

“Because people don't want to hear about the difficulties of life coming from someone like me.” 

“Someone like you…what does that mean?”

“You know what it means. You're in my father's pocket, after all.” 

Everyone at this ridiculously irritating place was. The only employee she had become slightly friendly with was a second shift nurse who let her use his phone, but of course for a price. Gross, not like that. He wanted money, just as everyone did. $100 for fifteen minutes. Can you believe that? 

The woman eyed her from across the room. She was waiting for her to continue because obviously her smart ass remark wasn't a sufficient answer. 

“Someone who has the means to do anything and everything. Never a need for anything. Someone who has all of their material wants satisfied. That kind of person.” 

Seph twisted her lips and looked out the wall of windows within the office. God, she couldn't wait to be out of this place. 

“People tend to forget that material items aren't everything, though. At the end of the day, they don't fucking mean anything. I can't talk to a purse. I can't voice my frustrations to a goddamn overpriced car.” 

This made her laugh, the sound of it echoing through the otherwise quiet office. Her therapist didn't seem to find it as funny, but that was okay. She wasn't trying to spit jokes at her anyway. It was all the truth. 

“You don't believe your parents could see that you were struggling? What about your friends?”

Ah, of course the woman was going to try to get all the answers she had been seeking from the beginning. A part of her was starting to think that she didn't really care about how Seph was, she just wanted to know all the gritty and secret details of a man’s family who basically owned her. 

“I didn't have friends, not really. Well…I had one, but he was a new friend. He wasn't ready to learn all of my inner workings.” 

Persephone could tell the woman wanted to dive into this ‘he’, but she wasn't going to give her the opportunity. Noah was not going to become a pawn in her sessions that could be used against her. 

“And my parents were never around, so no, they didn't see a damn thing. It took it literally blowing up in their faces for them to notice.” 

That was enough talking for today. Seph was mentally tired of this gymnastics routine she was forced to partake in multiple times a week, and now all she wanted to do was get the hell out of there. Both the office and the facility as a whole. Though mainly the former right then because it was nearing the time for her to be out a hundred bucks. 

Once she was given the ‘okay’ to call it a day, she couldn't have scurried out fast enough. And like perfect clockwork, Ben was waiting outside of her room, ready to collect. They didn't say anything to each other as he slyly slipped his phone to her, then carried on down the hall until he would circle back fifteen minutes later. 

Seph hid within her bathroom, her body uncomfortably seated within the empty bathtub with the curtain drawn. She didn't know why this is where she felt safest making calls, but it's the one and only place she had done it since her first month there. 

One ring. 

Two rings. 

Three rings.

On the fourth, the call connected and she was able to breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Pom,” he answered without missing a beat, his smile easily heard in his tone. 

“Hey, peach,” she softly spoke, immediately feeling more like herself as soon as she was in friendly company. 

“Did you make all the doctors happy today?” 

Seph snorted out a laugh, rolling her eyes to herself. “Well, I didn't threaten any of them, if that's what you mean.”

“Ah, so progress! That warms my heart.” 

“I think they're going to let me come home soon. Therapist number two was really digging in. But how's things there?”

“If you want to ask about him, then you can.” 

The smile she wore slowly began to fade, her eyes fixated on a random spot of her sweatpants that she had started picking at. 

“No…I mean…is he okay? I'm not going to come home to him having lost a leg or something, right?” 

Nick laughed, and she just knew he was shaking his head. “I can say with absolute certainty that all of his limbs are still intact. A one legged front man would be pretty badass though, yeah?” 

As much as Seph wanted to get lost in thoughts of Noah, she couldn't bring herself to do so right then. She had to save that for those particularly hard moments while she was locked away. 

“Did you tell her?” 

A female voice in the background broke through, followed by a hushed response from Nick that she couldn't make out. There was some shuffling on the other side, then he was heavily sighing before speaking up again. 

“Shit, Seph, I hate to do this…but I don't want you to come home and be blindsided.” 

“You're really freaking me out right now.” 

“Alexa heard that your dad…yeah! I'm getting to it!” Again Nick huffed, and this whole thing being drawn out was literally going to cause her heart to beat out of her chest. 

“She heard that your dad is trying to press charges against Maisie…for the video of you and Noah. Some shit about child pornography, I don't know. Apparently she sent it to her brother, so that's not only possessing, but also distributing.” 

“What the actual fuck, Nick?!” Seph quickly covered her mouth with her hand to muffle her outburst, which allowed her a moment to take a deep breath and count to ten. 

“No…how? How is he going to do that when nothing happened in the video? It was just us kissing and his shirt coming off. Not mine!” 

“I'm not a lawyer, Seph, I don't know. That's just what Alexa heard, so it could hold zero weight.” 

“Does Noah know?” 

“Yeah…apparently your dad also paid him a visit…fuck, I wasn't supposed to tell you that.” 

More hushed voices rambled off in the background. The main one she could make out was from Alexa still, but a new one had been added that caught her off guard.

“Who the hell are you being so secretive with?” 

His voice came through loud and clear this time, so Seph assumed he had lowered the phone to play it off like he wasn't on it. Not very smart, Nick. Not smart at all. 

“Huh? No one. I was just gonna order a pizza.” 

“Nick, you're a terrible liar. What are you doing?”

Seph sunk down further in the bathtub, a hand holding her forehead in complete disbelief for what was happening. It was the first time she had heard Noah’s voice since she saw him last, and of course it had to be when she was talking to his best friend on the down low. 

“Pom? Who’s Pom?” 

NOAH

There was a brief moment of tug-of-war as he tried to wrestle the phone from Nick. Never had his best friend kept something from him, at least not to his knowledge, but especially not when he had been caught red handed. 

Finally, Nick gave in and released the device, allowing him to turn it around until he could clearly read the name plastered on the screen. 

“Pom? Who's Pom?” His brows furrowed in confusion, though he still lifted the phone up to his ear. There was no sound on the other end, except for the very faint hint of a breath being taken. Then, the line went dead, the call ending from the other side. 

Nick was staring at him with wide eyes and he could already see the explanation just waiting to escape him. 

“Dude…I'm sorry,” he began, hands holding out in a defensive stance. “Pom is Seph…ya know, like pomegranate? Persephone is a goddess who-”

“I know who Persephone is! I understand the reference, Nick!”

“Right, yeah. You know how she would always say 'you're a peach' to me? Well, she just started calling me peach one day and it stuck, so she became Pom and it was just this dumb thing to help her while she's away, and -”

“You've been talking to her this entire time?”

Nick paused, his body relaxing for a brief moment as he thought back to when their first conversation could've been. 

“Not the entire time…probably since last September?” 

Noah was really hoping Nick could feel the fire in his glare, because boy, was it intense. What the hell was he supposed to do with this information? Should he even be mad? It was honestly the fact that Nick kept it from him that really pissed him off. Why would he? Unless…Seph had asked for him to. 

“She doesn't want to talk to me.” It didn't take much for him to put it all together. Seph was complicated as all hell, but she could be predictable at times too. 

“No, she does. She does, okay? She hasn't straight up told me why she won't, but my guess is that she's embarrassed. I don't know! I'm not an expert on teenage girls!” 

“You two are just best friends now or something?” 

Nick heavily exhaled, his arms dropping down to his sides in defeat. A silence settled between them, one that was just long enough for each of them to gather their thoughts. Or, at least try to. 

“Dude…come on.” Nick shook his head slowly at Noah, a look of disbelief beginning to move across his features. “Don't make me seem like an asshole because I was trying to be there for her.”

That's exactly how Noah saw it, though. Although he wouldn't always have this opinion on the matter, it's how he felt currently. He wanted to be the one there for Seph. He wanted to help her through whatever it was she was struggling with. She wouldn't let him be that person, though, and that's what really stung. 

Fuck, why was he letting a girl he had been friends with for a month plague his mind like this? 

“It's whatever, man. I'll just see her when she gets out, I guess.” 

Noah didn't want this to become a huge conflict between him and Nick. As easy as it would've been for him to argue his point right then, it wasn't worth the headache. Nick was his best friend, and had been for years, while Seph was only just a girl he had developed an infatuation with. 

PERSEPHONE 

“I know it's bad timing, dear, but your father and I expected you to be home next week.”

On and on her mother went during the drive home, all while Seph spent the duration staring out the window. Her fingers were itching to get a hold of her phone but the device had yet to be given back to her - of course. Honestly, she would be surprised if her parents let her have it back at all. 

But at least it seemed like the snow queen was over the disastrous ending that was her beloved vases. 

“But, we’ll have a nice dinner as a family tonight, then he and I will be back Sunday evening.” 

Seph wanted to laugh at how ridiculous her mom sounded. When did they ever have nice dinners together? At least one, if not both, of her parents always ended up wandering off to take business calls in the middle of meals, leaving her to eat alone. What was so nice about that? 

“Does that sound like a plan?” 

Forcing a slight smile, she finally looked over to the older woman and nodded. “Yeah, sounds good to me.” 

Although Seph could tell that her mother was trying, she was curious to know how much of it was genuine. They had never had a strong relationship to begin with, but that was expected given how her parents chose to put their careers ahead of their daughter. Seph used to be sad about it, though she stopped caring as much the older she got. Them not being around sure as hell didn't stop them from putting the pressure on whenever possible. 

× × ×

“No, the doctors said her medications may make her…unlike herself for a bit.” The woman spoke in a murmur to her father upon their arrival home, as if Seph couldn't hear them. 

“A bit? She's been on them for nearly a year now. How much time does it take?” 

“However much it does, Chris. I don't know.” Her mother retorted, the annoyance evident in her tone. 

Seph didn't hear much more because she had made it to the top of the staircase, now aiming straight for her bedroom. She just wanted to be alone for the first time in forever. No worries of nurses and doctors barging in, or the occasional fellow patient that tried to make friends with her. 

There was a sudden halt in her steps when she entered her room. It definitely wasn't how she had left it aka in an utter mess. No, it was thoroughly cleaned now. Nothing out of place. Just as it usually was before things began to truly go downhill for her. Shaking her head to herself, Seph pushed her suitcase off to the side to tend to later, her gaze glancing over to her desk. Lying on top were multiple college applications, as well as letters from others she had applied to before leaving. Columbia, Brown, Dartmouth - ‘her’ top choices. Not really. Those were actually choices that belonged to her parents. 

With furrowed brows, Seph carefully shifted the papers around. Her lips moved as she quietly skimmed over the gist of each letter, her anger bubbling with every word. All the letters claimed acceptance for this year’s fall semester. 

“What the fuck?” She muttered to herself just before she abruptly pulled her hand from the pages. She couldn't handle this right now. The last thing she wanted to think about was what her father had been up to while she was gone. Paying off universities? That was a new low for even him. No way in hell would they have willingly taken her after everything, but Seph was sure their minds were changed as soon as her dad made a hefty donation. How many libraries or community centers now had their name plastered across them? 

“Oh…you've already seen the letters.”

Seph lifted her head to see her mother standing in her doorway, a slight uneasiness to her. 

“Well, they are on my desk. Seems like someone wanted me to see them.” 

Marilyn, the snow queen in question, took in a deep breath and heavily exhaled while crossing the threshold inside. She immediately approached where Seph stood, her own hands frantically shuffling the papers together and then tucking them beneath her arm. 

“No need to worry about those right now.” Reaching back with her free hand, the older woman then retrieved something before extending it out to Seph. It was her phone. 

“I figured you could use a bit of normalcy again.” 

Hesitantly, Seph accepted the device, slowly nodding. 

“Thanks,” she lowly spoke. 

This whole demeanor that her mom was portraying was very out of the ordinary for her. She couldn't help but to be slightly taken back by it. Maybe it made it appear as if she wasn't actually thankful, although she was. Who could blame her for being suspicious, though? After what had happened, this was the last sort of interaction she was expecting. 

“Dinner will be at six, okay?” 

Seph watched as her mother walked away, giving her a small nod in understanding. Once she was gone, she followed the same path she took, only to quietly close the bedroom door to allow her some privacy. There was then a need within her to get her phone turned on. She rushed over to the side of her bed where she typically had her charger plugged in, relieved to see that the cord remained. After inserting it into her phone, she waited a few seconds, then the Apple logo popped up. 

A sigh of relief left her, her body lowering down to sit on the edge of her bed. As the device powered on for the first time in who knows how long, notification after notification began to flash across the screen. 

grl are you okay?? 

i'm worried! 

Alexa 

Heard about your incident. Dramatic. 

Seriously? Call me. 

Stop being a baby. I'm sure daddy made sure you have your phone. 

Sweden? That's laughable. You hate fish. You'd never survive on the cuisine. 

No one believes that's where you are, by the way. 

Your dad is fucking insane!!!! 

Maisie 

babe come on talk to me. 

i’m not mad about you and emo guy. 

maisie showed me the video but it's fuckin dumb. 

lol can't believe you were gonna fuck him tho. 

sweden?? and you didn't tell me?? wtf

Mason 

OMG miss you! 

damn it's gonna suck to not have any infamous Seph parties senior year! 

Aw hope you have so much fun abroad! I loved it when I went! 

u are not gunna believe wat i heard about u

Random “friends”

I miss you. 

Noah 

It was a horrible idea for her to read any of these, but she couldn't bring herself to look away. There were a lot that she deleted, most being from unknown numbers or people she hadn't even spoken to since way before all of this. Everyone obviously just wanted some entail and they thought going directly to the source would work out for them. Oh how wrong they were. 

The last message she read was what really got to her, though. She assumed Noah had known the truth of what happened pretty early on, meaning that his text from only a couple of months ago was honest. That's what she was telling herself, at least. Every other text thread was deleted except for that one, then she started a new one. 

‘Home. Need to see a friendly face.’ 

Seph stared down at the screen as if Nick would have already replied when she knew he was busier than usual these days. The band, working at a tattoo shop, it all left very little downtime for him and the others. But much to her surprise, the little gray bubble appeared, indicating that he was typing. 

‘FUCK YEA DUDE!!’

'Come by the shop!’

'I'm here working on some pieces until probably 9’

It was impossible for her to explain how at ease she now felt knowing someone was excited about her being back, especially when that someone happened to be one of the only people she considered a friend. Getting close to Nick had come out of left field; definitely not done on purpose since she always felt like he only tolerated her for Noah. Who ever would've thought they would've gotten as close as they had while hours away? It was all strictly platonic, though. She looked at Nick as more of a brother type, and she knew he viewed her the same. Well…as a sister, but same sentiment. 

After dinner, she would slip away and somehow make it to the tattoo shop Nick had mentioned a few times. Maybe she’d get lucky and her parents would do their usual routine of acting as if she wasn't even there, just so she wouldn't have to awkwardly crawl out of her window. Plus, that would also mean they wouldn't realize she had left. Perfect. All she had to do was make it through dinner…

Well, that wasn't currently going so well. 

Her favorite meal had been cooked for the night, though her appetite was nearly nonexistent these days. Was it the mental issues? Or the meds she downed to help fix said issues? Either way, a few bites was all she could stomach. 

“Not hungry?” Her mother spoke up first, her lips showcasing a sympathetic smile. 

Okay, seriously. What the hell had gotten into her? 

“No…not really. Sorry.” 

Marilyn shook her head in a way to silently tell Seph that it was okay, but before she could verbally respond, her father was beating her to it. 

“You need to eat,” he demanded as he eyed her from across the table. “It'll help you feel better to have decent food again.” 

Seph stared at the older man, inwardly biting her tongue to prevent herself from saying anything too rash. No need to cause an argument on her first night back. 

“I don't think I'll be feeling too great when this doesn't sit well and ends up in the toilet.” 

A heavy sigh came from her mother, who then covered the sound by taking a long swallow from her glass of wine. Ugh, she should've snuck a few sips for herself before dinner began. 

Although Seph could tell that there was something needing to be said that was right on the tip of her father’s tongue, he remained silent. The daggers he glared at her were loud enough. Before anything could be set off, she carefully slid her chair back and stood up. 

“Where are you going?” Her father sternly questioned as she walked by with her sights set on the front door. Seph snagged a set of car keys and clutched them tight within her palm, fully prepared to make a run for it if she really needed to. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that. 

“I just need some air.” 

There was a start of a protest from her parents, but she didn't linger long enough to hear whatever it was they had to say. She was already out the door and closing the distance between herself and her mom’s car. 

× × ×

It was a blessing that she knew downtown Richmond like the back of her hand or else she never would've found the tattoo shop tucked in along the congested street. There was a neon red ‘open' sign glowing in the window, but nothing beyond that really told you what the business was until you were right on top of it. Not too surprising to her that the guys would work somewhere low key. 

There was a faint jingle from the bell above the door as she entered the building, though she figured the bell was only for show because the music playing inside easily drowned it out. A girl with multiple piercings shining on her face sat behind the front desk, and the opening and closing of the door caused her to look up at who could possibly be coming in near closing time. 

“Hey…” she hesitantly spoke, though a polite smile was visible on her lips. “I'm looking for Nick.” 

Piercing girl glanced over her shoulder and leaned back in her seat a bit as if trying to see something just out of reach. 

“Do you have an appointment?” She questioned after returning to her resting position. “We aren't taking walk ins right now.” 

“Oh…no…I'm just a friend of his.” Seph almost blurted out that she wasn't even old enough to get a tattoo, though she figured that surely would've gotten her kicked out. “He told me to stop by.” 

“Seph?”

A familiar voice broke through before either of the girls could exchange any more words. She lifted her eyes to see Nick stepping through a door that led to the back, both of them sharing near identical smiles at the sight of each other. Seph slid around the counter and rushed over with quick steps, her arms immediately being thrown around his neck to embrace in a close hug. 

“Peach!” She excitedly exclaimed while her arms squeezed him so tight that she was convinced she was cutting off his ability to breathe. Never had she and Nick really even touched, yet here they were, embracing each other as people within the tattoo shop awkwardly sideyed them. 

“Your hair!” Seph gasped as she pulled back to look at him, her hands now grasping his shoulders. Nick mimicked her stance, laughing as her eyes scanned all around his face and the new tattoos he adorned. “You cut it!” 

“People tend to get haircuts every now and then,” he continued to laugh. 

“Yeah, but it's kinda all mullet-y now! I love it!” It didn't matter that he had a beanie on in the middle of the summer. She could still see those new layers. 

“If you think I look different, then just wait until you see Noah. Dude has grown at least two - shit, sorry, Pom.”

The smile she wore began to fade at his mention of Noah, her grip on his shoulders loosening. She didn't like this reaction her mind and body immediately had to his mere existence being brought up. Hopefully this glitch in her system would work itself out. 

“It's all good,” she shook her head. “I'm gonna have to face the music at some point, yeah?”

Nick gave her a sympathetic smile to accompany the gentle squeeze of her shoulder. He then nodded his head towards the door he had come from, motioning for her to follow. 

“Come on, let's get away from all this fucking noise.” 

Ushering her into the back room, Seph was greeted by what appeared to be a break area; a table with a couple of chairs, a fridge, couch, and all the other workings for people to be comfortable when working long shifts. In front of the couch there was a coffee table with different sketches strewn about it. She assumed this is what Nick had been working on. 

“I had no idea you were doing tattoo stuff,” she muttered softly while approaching the coffee table to gaze down upon the drawings. 

“You never asked.” Nick shrugged, his body bent to peer into the fridge towards the back of the room. “I mean, I never really asked things about you either, so I guess we're both assholes.” 

Seph glanced back at him, extending a sheepish smile. “Sorry. I've had a lot going on up here.” She motioned to her head before lowering down onto the couch. 

Nick was following suit not too long after, his hands holding out a bottle of water for her while the other clasped around a beer for himself. 

“Hey!” She laughed, eying the other beverage. “Not fair!” 

“What? You're not old enough to drink.” Nick chuckled while taking a swallow from the can. 

“Neither are you!” 

Although her eyes narrowed at him in a glare, she was only joking. She released a dramatic sigh, but then took the offered water and twisted the cap off. “You better be glad I shouldn’t drink with my meds.” 

After taking a couple of sips from her water, she carefully placed the bottle on the coffee table and then tugged the sketchbook into her lap. She began to slowly flip through the pages, though she hadn't even bothered to ask if she could. Oops. 

“How is…all of that going, by the way?” 

“Fine, I guess,” she gave a single shoulder shrug. “Everything is amazing and perfect.” 

Nick’s eye roll was so pronounced that she swore she heard his eyes somersaulting in his skull. He then sighed, his face telling her that he was not convinced. 

“You're full of shit,” he smiled despite the attempt at a serious conversation that she was trying to shoot down. 

Seph laughed, nodding. “Yeah, I am.” 

With a pause in her page flipping, she glanced over to him, seeing that he was staring directly at her. There was no way he was going to drop the topic. As annoying as it was, Seph was a little…touched that Nick cared enough to actually ask. Not even her parents had. 

“I don't really like them,” she honestly revealed. “They always make my brain feel like it's in a fog. I'm mega tired, nothing tastes good, and all I want to do is rot in my bed.” 

A finger then tapped the page she had been staring down at, the drawing that of some sort of creature with horns. She had no idea what it was, but she liked it. “This is cool,” she complimented with hopes to change the subject. 

Seph knew she should've known better than to even attempt it. 

“Hey,” Nick tried to gain her attention, which she eventually gave him by lifting her head and meeting his gaze. “You know you can talk to me, right? Noah, too…he’d probably sing about it all night if you did.” 

Offering a faint smile, she nodded. “I know…it's just hard talking to anyone about things, but especially Noah. Opening up has never been easy for me.” 

As easy as it would've been for her to elaborate on this, she didn't. She wasn't trying to make this a pity party for herself. Coming by to see Nick was actually supposed to be the exact opposite of that. 

Nick leaned forward a bit, his elbows resting on his knees and both hands grasping the beer can. “Talk. To. Him.” He further explained, this being his final attempt at trying to get her to do what they all knew needed to be done. 

“You'll end up regretting it if you don't.” 

× × ×

It was that conversation that landed her in the guys’ shared home the following night. Again she had left her own house without explanation; fully ignoring her parents on her way out. They seemed to be letting her do whatever for now, though she wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to push her luck. Whatever. They should just be glad she had finally ditched the sweatpants for a pair of shorts and slapped some makeup on her face for the first time in a year. It was minimal, but at least she cared enough about something to try. 

Nick had claimed it was only going to be a small get together, but the ten to fifteen people mingling around told her otherwise. No, it wasn't anywhere near the level her parties had been, but it was still a bit much for someone in her current mental state. Seph was determined to power through, though. She was desperate to return to her old self. At least in some aspects. 

“Oh my god! Sephy!” 

There was barely time to react before Alexa was rushing to her, forcing her into a tight hug that she had not been prepared for. She still smiled, choking out a soft laugh as her hands hesitantly patted the girl's back. 

“I thought I heard Nick say something about you being back! Oh my god! This is amazing! How are you?!” 

While her and Alexa had been kinda friends before this whole thing, she wouldn't have considered them to be close. They were acquaintances at best, though she was assuming things were going well between her and Folio if she was still hanging with the guys. Guess that meant she would have to stay on her good side as well. 

“I'm good! Yeah, things are going good.” Seph nodded once they had broken from the hug. She felt as if she was going to be telling this lie a lot going forward. 

Alexa gasped and held onto her arm, her eyes going wide as she looked back to the room she had just emerged from. “Have you seen Noah yet?! He's going to be so fucking stoked to see you. I know it.” 

Opening her mouth to speak, she wasn't even able to get a word out before Alexa was pulling her along to the next room. Her voice called out for Noah, repeating his name a couple of times. 

“Look who's finally back from Sweden!” Alexa gently bumped her with her shoulder as she laughed, and when she glanced over to the girl, she winked at her. Huh, okay. Was everyone just going to be in on this joke? 

“Sweden?” A guy with long dark hair that was pulled half back she didn't recognize spoke up, a bright smile taking up his face. “Hallå!”

Alexa laughed again as she reached out to his shoulder, shaking her head. 

As much as Seph wanted to figure out what that was about, she was now far too lost in the other guy that stood in front of her. Noah. Her eyes stuck to him, unable to look away, though she didn't want to. He had definitely filled out some within the last year and his hair was much longer, but it suited him. 

Also, when the hell had he gotten a neck tattoo? 

NOAH

Persephone fucking Hill. 

In his house. 

Staring up at him with awe. 

Fuck. 

What the hell was he supposed to say? Good to see you? Wow, so glad you're free? Nice tits?

Okay, definitely not the last one. That was a bad thought for him to even have. But still, nothing felt like it would be the right thing to say after how things ended. 

“Long time no see,” he then blurted out. 

Goddammit. That was lame as fuck. 

Noah could sense both Jolly and Alexa picking up on the awkward vibes because they took simultaneous swallows of their drinks and then slipped away in a nonchalant manner. 

“I probably wouldn't have even recognized you if Alexa hadn't dragged me over here.” Seph chuckled, and he knew immediately that she was just as nervous as he was. That was a bit of a relief. 

He wanted to tell her that that was okay because he would've spotted her within seconds. The words didn't leave his mouth, though. Actually, no words did. Noah continued to stare at her, both of them holding the other’s gaze. 

No, he couldn't get caught up in Seph again. It wasn't good for him. It wasn't good for her. Neither of them were what the other needed. That's what he had been telling himself for a year as he tried to get over her. Noah wished he could say that it had worked. 

“Noah…can we skip the weirdness of acting like we don't know each other? I've had a lot of time to think about how this would go, y’know, when we saw each other again, and every interaction I imagined was awkward…to say the least.” 

Seph laughed as a hand lifted to tuck her hair behind her ear, her eyes tearing from his for a brief moment. He inwardly frowned when this happened, already missing the sight of her honey colored irises. But when she didn't look back at him yet, he finally nodded and glanced around the kitchen. 

“Do you want a drink? I can fix you something.” Noah was already reaching for bottles before she could reply because of course he remembered her favorite mix: fruit punch and vodka. He found it revolting but he had a fond memory of her mouth dyed red one night when they sat in her backyard, and she was telling him some story he didn't remember all because of said red dye. 

“Sure…but hold the vodka.” She placed a hand on his wrist to stop him from untwisting the cap of the liquor, the small touch like fire on his skin. 

“I'm not really drinking at the moment.” 

It then dawned on him that Seph was probably on some medications she had been instructed not to mix alcohol with. He was tempted to tell her that it would be fine because he did it all the time, but this maybe wasn't the time. Seph was a big girl. She could make her own decisions. 

“Oh, yeah, that's cool. Just fruit punch it is then.” As he set the vodka bottle aside, he instead grabbed the juice and filled the cup half way before passing it her way. She gazed at him from over the rim while taking a sip, that sight alone making him weak in the knees. 

Get it the fuck together, Noah. 

“This is probably when I should tell you that I'm sorry…”

It seemed as if apologies at parties were starting to become their new norm. He couldn't say he was very fond of it. 

Noah took in a deep breath before swallowing from his own drink, his head shaking while lowering the cup. 

“You don't have to do that, Seph. Seriously. Ancient history.” 

He watched as she shifted awkwardly before leaning a hip into the kitchen island they stood behind. She looked basically the same, though maybe a few pounds lighter and her hair was longer, just as his was. Noah assumed the former had to do with the lack of decent food, and probably just a lack of appetite all together. He understood how it could be when starting medications. 

“I saw your text.” 

Noah froze, his mind racing to figure out what she was talking about. He then remembered the one message he had sent a couple of months ago when he had been up way too late and lost in his thoughts. It happened a lot but he usually had enough self control to not message her. That night, not so much. 

When he didn't say anything, she continued. 

“I missed you too.” 

That made him scoff, head shaking while taking another generous swallow of his drink. He looked off to the side as if interested in whatever his friends were doing, but he was actually trying to hold back his words. 

Glancing back to Seph, her brows were furrowed in confusion. 

Noah shrugged, fingers tapping against the side of his cup he held. “I need to talk to you about something.” 

With no other explanation, he placed a hand against her lower back while gently maneuvering her out of the kitchen and to the opposite side of the house where his room was. Noah could tell Seph was lost, which wasn't a shock. He wasn't exactly being very forthcoming right then. 

The door to his bedroom was quietly closed, then he was turning to look at her again. He expected her to be staring back at him, but she was actually slowly stepping around his room, studying the minimal items he had on the walls and on his desk. Clutter and knickknacks had never really been his thing. 

It was then that Noah realized this was the first time Seph had been in his room, or just where he lived in general. They were always somewhere less personal before, until the night of her party. 

“So, uh, your dad came and talked to me while you were gone.” 

He had no idea how to approach this topic, though he figured it was best to do it sooner rather than later. 

“I heard…” she murmured, her focus up on the framed images hanging on his wall. “That sounds like it was loads of fun.” 

Noah chuckled, a hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck. “Not exactly the words I'd use.” 

“What did he want?” 

A few steps were taken so he stood at her side, his eyes down on her while hers remained elsewhere. There was an urge to reach out and touch the bare skin of her shoulder, brush her hair aside, but he resisted by shoving his free hand into his pocket. 

“He tossed out a lot of legal jargon, probably just to confuse me, but what I gathered is that he's thinking about pressing charges against Maisie. He also had a few choice words for me and our friendship.” 

Seph then looked at him, head tilted up at just the right angle for their eyes to meet. Her figure shifted and turned a bit, both of them facing each other. 

“I'm not going to let him press charges,” she exclaimed with a confidence that he hadn't been expecting. “Nothing happened in the video.” 

Was she not interested in the last bit he had tossed in? 

“He doesn't want us around each other.” 

This made her softly laugh, her eyes rolling. “Of course he doesn't.” 

“I'm not really su-”

“What do you think about that?” Seph cut him off, her eyebrow arched curiously. 

Noah stumbled over his words a bit since he hadn't really thought that in depth about it yet. He figured he needed to see how things were between them first. And now that he had…he still had no idea. 

“Do you want us to not be around each other?” She repeated her question with different wording, as if that would get an actual response out of him. 

“No…” he hesitantly replied, a slight smile appearing. 

“Then what he wants or has to say doesn't matter.” 

Again, Noah was struggling to find his words. Fuck. This was not going how he wanted it to. He was supposed to be agreeing with her dad, telling her that it was best for them to stay away from each other. But nope, he couldn't bring himself to say it. How could he when she was looking at him like that?

“I really did miss you.” 

Welp, that really cut his growing mood a bit. 

“It's actually funny that you say that since you didn't make any attempt to talk to me.” 

There was no way he could continue to bite his tongue on the matter when she just kept bringing it up…kind of. Inadvertently. 

“But you talked to Nick…how many times? Multiple times a week for nearly a year?” 

Seph bit down into her lower lip, her gaze dropping to the carpet in shame. Damn. Now he felt bad. 

No. He wouldn't let her get to him that easily. 

“I…I know it was shitty, okay? I didn't even mean to start talking to him. His Instagram was public so I was able to message him from a nurse’s account. I just wanted to check in…see how everyone was…but then talking to him helped keep my mind at ease when I really needed it.” 

Noah now did an eye roll of his own, his feet shuffling back a bit so he could place some distance between them. That sure as hell didn't explain why she hadn't talked to him. Only why she hadn't contacted him first. 

“Fuck, Noah. I was terrified to talk to you, is that what you want to hear? I didn't want to know how mad you were at me or find out what you thought about me after everything.” 

“Mad? I wasn't mad at you, Seph. I was worried! You kick me out, I don't hear from you, and then I find out from Alexa that you're gone?” 

A hand ran over his face, heavily exhaling. He definitely hadn't been prepared to have this conversation with her right then. 

“And what do you mean by what I thought of you? I always looked at you like the sun fucking shone out of your ass, so why would that have changed?” 

Seph was physically taken back by his statement. Her mouth fell open a bit, but then promptly closed. Head shaking, he could see the clench in her jaw. This told him that she was not happy. 

“No, you looked at me like I was this perfect unobtainable thing! You were just as blind to everything like my parents were because you couldn't fathom the fact that someone you saw as sunshine was falling apart bit by bit everyday!” 

It was Noah's turn to be taken back now. He stared straight at Seph, sporting a clenched jaw of his own that rivaled hers. 

“I didn't want you to think of me like that, Noah. And I know it's ass backwards and doesn't make sense. Don't want you to see me as perfect…don't want you to see me breaking down…” Seph shook her head to herself, her hands moving about as she spoke at a rather fast pace. 

“Believe me, I'm confused too.” 

“You've got to stop caring so much about what other people think. If someone judges you for breaking under pressure, then you call them an ‘asshole’ and keep it moving!” 

Seph had her eyes cast to the ceiling, her lips folded in for only a brief moment. He was waiting for her to say something - anything - that let him know she understood. 

“It's not that simple.”

Nope. Not the response he was hoping to hear. 

“But it is that simple, Seph. Why the fuck do you care about what other people have to say? Myself included.” 

“I don't…” she stammered over the two words, and Noah could tell that even she wasn't convinced. 

“Why, Seph?” He found himself taking a step closer to where she stood, his voice a little softer now than it previously had been. It hadn't been his intention to get so worked up, especially not when this was the first time they were seeing each other in what felt like forever. 

Noah could see the tears welling in her eyes. He knew that she knew why. It was only a matter of whether or not she was going to reveal this to him. He wasn't going to push her, but he was well aware of how this all needed to go. Seph needed to admit it to herself. 

“Because…I only feel worth anything when I know people like me.” 

PERSEPHONE 

And there it was. The truth Noah had been trying to tug out of her since the beginning of it all. It felt juvenile to say, admitting that people’s thoughts and opinions of her was what made her feel good about herself. Did that mean Maisie had been right about her? Was she only interested in Noah because of how he used to once look at her as if she was perfect? 

No, she wouldn't let that be true. He was worth so much more than that to her, even if she had a horrible way of showing it. 

“Fuck other people, Seph. They don't mean anything. Only the people who you feel like yourself around are the ones who matter.” 

“And what if they see parts of me they don't like? Hm? What happens then? What happens when you realize I'm just some fucked up girl who isn't worth the hassle?” 

Seph couldn't stop her voice from breaking as she laid it all out for him. If Noah wanted honesty, then that's what she would give him. And if he happened to run, well, at least she could say 'I told ya so’. 

Instead of using his words, Noah was quick to cross the remainder of the bedroom to where she stood. His large hands enveloped her face and soon he was pulling her up into a kiss that made her heart race and her breathing halt, all at the same time. She was unable to stop herself from leaning into him, eager to have as much of him pressed against her as she could. It was just like they were back in her room a year ago when she craved to truly feel him. Definitely didn't take much for that need to return full force. 

Seph didn't dare break from the kiss as her hand came up to grasp the back of his neck, her fingers briefly tangling into the long strands of his hair. She actually somehow managed to deepen the kiss even as Noah progressed forward, both of them taking in sync steps back to where his bed was. 

As soon as she was lying back against his perfectly made bed, Noah followed right behind her. She pulled him down close against her, his lithe frame settling between her legs, knees pressed firm into his hips. One hand held himself up while the other drifted beneath the shirt she wore, just to feel the warmth of her skin against his own. Seph broke from his lips for mere seconds so she could rid him of his own shirt, which Noah took as an invitation to do the same. It had definitely been one. 

“Noah…” she murmured into his mouth as they again collided in a heated kiss. As much as she didn't want to, she managed to pull back a bit, just as his fingers began to work on the button of her shorts. Though when she stopped, his hands also paused. Seph licked over her lips as she gazed up at him. She was then thankful for her flushed cheeks because that meant the blush creeping up was well hidden. 

“I've never done this before…” she admitted, despite knowing that he probably already knew this from past conversations. As well as Maisie outing her during all of that commotion. There was just a weird urge she had to properly disclose the information to him. 

Noah released her shorts, though his hands shifted to glide along her hips and up her sides in a soothing manner. “Are you sure?” 

There was a pause and then he was shaking his head, laughing in slight embarrassment at himself. “Not ‘are you sure' you haven't done this because I think you'd know if you had. But are you sure that you want to…right now…with me?” 

Of course she couldn't help but to laugh along with him, her nose scrunching at how flustered he had just made himself. Noah’s cheeks were now red with a blush and it was a sight she was hoping to always remember. 

Seph sunk her teeth into her lower lip after their laughter had died down. She didn't want to hesitate with her response because she didn't want Noah to think she was second guessing anything. Maybe the timing wasn't ideal, considering there was a get together happening on the other side of the wall, but Seph wasn't the kind of girl who needed planning and rose petals. The social construct of virginity wasn't that deep to her, not like how a lot of people made it out to be.  All that she cared about was trusting the other person and actually caring about them…much like how she cared for Noah. 

“Yes,” she finally spoke with confidence, just so Noah knew she wasn't second guessing anything that had to do with him. 

Noah then took in a deep breath, giving her a nod of his own before his head angled down and his lips trailed slowly along her neck. Oh, so now he was going to take his time? 

“Just one thing…” she breathlessly mumbled after her eyes had fluttered closed and she was doing all she could to focus on the new sensations sweeping through her. 

“Anything,” Noah continued to kiss and bite at the sensitive skin of her neck, his fingers returning to the button of her shorts that he managed to swiftly pop free. 

Seph softly laughed, her hand lifting to cradle the side of his head in a way that made him pull back just enough to gaze down at her. 

“Can you lock the door?” 

CHAPTER FOUR JUMP

× End of chapter notes!: One guess as to where my eyes started crossing because I was beyond tired but needed to get this completed at a decent stopping point. :') ANYWAYYY, not me pausing halfway through and thinking, "is this about to become a Ruffilo fic?" A story really does write itself sometimes but NO. I had to refrain. But will there more little Peach and Pom moments? Yes. ♥‿♥

If anyone can tell me what the preferred chapter length is among the masses, then that would be greaaat. Stop me from my wild ramblings. Please. Unless you guys are into it and then I guess I'll just keep on truckin'.

[thefundisorderdiary]

hey, you have any tips temporary fnd paralysis (specifically legs but js in general)

Hi I’m so sorry I’m only getting round to this (honestly never expected to get any asks ever this is super awesome!)

Tips for ending a bout of paralysis:

1. Ignore it. Oftentimes the more you focus on it the longer you’re going to draw it out. Try to immerse yourself in something else like a tv show or drawing or a puzzle.

2. Interval wiggling. Every now and then have a little wiggle, it could be a big wiggle such as all the body parts that aren’t paralysed or you could see if you can send that signal to the paralysed part. Animals do that shake when they come out of a shock and it basically resets them and shakes off that weird energy feeling you get. It might not work right away, but it tells your body it’s okay to move, so keep at it, just make sure you have breaks in between.

3. Intermittent signals. Send the move signal to the smallest part of the body part that is paralysed (toes for legs, fingers for arms). Focus on one part at a time tell it to move a little bit, it’s hard so don’t expect it to reach there right away, but visualise (if you can) that signal coming out of your brain into your spine and down to the paralysed part, imagine it getting closer to its destination each time you send it. Again; have breaks in between.

4. Baby pinches. You know that stereotypical grandma pinching the baby’s cheek? Do that to your paralysed part, be gentle! The idea here is to remind yourself it’s not really paralysed, it’s just having a nap. Play around with the sensations on your skin, remind yourself that this body part is connected to you, it is still yours. Tapping and stroking works here too, find what suits you.

5. Move it with something else. This one gives me the heebie geebies because it’s like putting your foot flat on the ground with pins and needles to me, but it can be what’s needed. Use the rest of your body to bend the joints of the paralysed part individually (one finger at a time, one knee, etc) this helps remind your brain that your joints and muscles aren’t stuck and it helps keep blood flowing.

7. Keep it warm. Not moving body parts will make them much colder than the rest of you and cold muscles don’t work even when they’re not paralysed, so keep blankets/jumpers/fluffy socks nearby. Many times I have worn a jumper by only having one paralysed arm in the hole and the rest of my body outside of it.

8. Forgive yourself. It’s hard and uncomfortable and you want it to go away fast, but dang why won’t it go away?!? It’s happening. You can’t get out of it fast, but you can breathe and get through it, it will pass in the end - keep reminding yourself that it will pass and you can get through it. Paralysis is the brain finding a way to deal with whatever stress it is currently trying to handle, your body needs this moment to heal so forgive it and allow it the moment it’s asking for! These steps will help, but ultimately it’s your brain’s decision, you just need to help it (and you) feel safe while it has its moment.

I know it can be uncomfortable and scary to feel like your body isn’t working or doesn’t belong to you, but it is working and it does still belong to you, it’s just a little stressed and confused, treat it like you’d treat a pet in a thunderstorm and you will be okay in the end. You’re not alone! ❤️

[mars-ipan]

hmmmm ok. i watched a horror movie today which i never do so i’m gonna give u all a priest au thought/scene/what have you that i’ve been rattling around in the brain today. to help get my mind off of the Scaries before i go to bed lmao

not quite nsfw (won’t warrant a tag) but some suggestive content under the cut! weee

Mkay so. Let’s say Hajime’s been having a rough week. Like a REALLY rough week. Work has been stressful, and when work is stressful he tends to zone out, and when he zones out he daydreams, and when he daydreams…. well, it’s. Stressful. He’s been dealing with an uptick in his lustful thoughts as a result of it, and even though he only gave in twice this week (he confessed the next day after work each time), it’s getting to him. It’s saturday afternoon now, and he has tomorrow off— the farm supply store isn’t open on the Lord’s day of rest. He could wait until tomorrow morning, but Chiaki’s out with her other friends right now and he knows if he lets himself stay home he’ll either be miserable the whole time, or be miserable save for a couple of precious sinful minutes, only for the misery to come rushing back with guilt at its side. So he does the only thing he can think of when he gets off of work: he goes to church.

It’s empty when he gets there, of course. No service is being held right now. Still, he knocks, and after a couple of moments, the door swings open and there he is. Father Komaeda, welcoming him in with a smile as always. He doesn’t know why the Father lets him in— maybe it’s just a testament to his hospitality. Or maybe it’s a testament to Hajime’s selfishness. Either way, he steps inside, Father Komaeda gently closing the door behind him as he enters. With the doors closed, the church is dim, late afternoon light filtering in through the stained glass windows. Hajime wonders for a moment how such a small church can afford such beautiful windows. And then the Father speaks.

“What a pleasant surprise, Hinata. I hadn’t expected to see you here today. Would you prefer to speak to me face to face or in the booth?”

Hajime swallows. “I’m not here to confess, Father,” he mumbles. He doesn’t blame Father Komaeda for assuming so— it’s perfectly reasonable to think someone who sins as frequently as Hajime does would only come to church to be rid of them. The thought turns his stomach, and he nearly forgets that he’s meant to be having a conversation.

“Ah, my apologies. What brings you here then? Whatever it is you need, I shall do my best to provide, as either your priest or your friend.”

Hajime shoves away another one of those vile temptations, forcefully silencing the devil on his shoulder with a deep breath. He opens his mouth to speak, to explain himself, only to find his voice is stuck in his throat, caught behind the lump that seems to have suddenly formed there. When he tries to force a word out anyways, to say anything, all he manages (to his horror) is a small, choked noise, like a dog pulled by its leash. For the first time in a long, long time, he feels a hot stinging sensation behind his eyes, his breath getting shaky as his vision blurs with the tears now flooding them. No, no, not here, not now, he can’t cry right now, he can’t—

Hajime breaks down. Before he knows it he’s sobbing, harshly wiping the water from his eyes only for more to take its place. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” he says, his voice breaking pathetically as he speaks. “It’s not getting better. I-If anything, it’s getting worse. I’m trying, I swear to you on everything I have that I am trying,” he takes a deep, wobbly breath here, his knees starting to feel weak as he continues, “B-but nothing is working, a-and I know you said to be patient, that— that progress takes time, but— e-every day I do whatever I can to keep myself busy, and every night I try, I try so hard to ignore the— the perversion, but it doesn’t stop, it never stops and I can’t take it, Father, I—“ He’s trembling now, his limbs feeling hollow and unsteady as he chokes out his greatest fear: “I-I-I’m so afraid that I can’t be saved. W-what if I’m no good, Father, wh— wh-what if I… what if I’m meant to burn—”

Hajime’s words leave him once again, crumbling into pained sobs and whimpers that he hides in his palms. His knees finally give out from under him, and he feels them hit the floor of the church aisle hard, but he can’t bring himself to care about the pain. He probably deserves it. Deserves it for being a filthy fucking sinner, for failing to properly repent and having the audacity to whine like a child in front of the only person who’s ever shown him patience— certainly more patience than he deserves. How dare he want, how dare he complain about the punishment he faces for the sins he knows he has committed, how dare he fall apart as soon as things get hard, every single time. He can feel the Father’s eyes on him, looking down in disgust, he’s sure. Nobody could ever look upon him and feel anything else, and if they did he wouldn’t deserve it. Pathetic, pathetic…

He barely registers the sound of Father Komaeda moving to stand in front of him, the quiet “Oh, Hajime… poor thing,” he mutters under his breath so soft and… tender? No, don’t think like that, fuck, stupid— that it catches him off guard. And to make matters even more confusing, he then feels two slender, soft hands reach out to him, one resting on his shoulder while the other nestles itself in the hair on the back of his head, and suddenly Father Komaeda is holding him close, almost reassuringly. The Father is still standing perfectly straight, so Hajime’s face presses awkwardly into his hip (he can feel the sharp bone of his pelvis through his robes), but when he feels Komaeda’s hand begin to gently stroke his hair, he’s fallen out of his stupor and back into sobbing, clutching desperately at his priest’s robes as he breaks apart again. While he cries, quietly murmuring “I’m sorry” over and over again, he does his best to listen to the words of his Father.

“I know this is difficult. I know you knew this would not be easy. There will come times in which you will be tempted to give up, to run away from all of the effort and progress you’ve made here. Do not listen. That is the voice of the Devil, set out to trick you into remaining trapped in his clutches. You can handle hard things, Hajime. I have seen the way you devote yourself to that which is good and holy, and I promise you that I will not allow you to be led astray. God’s love is for all, including the wretched— you will be saved so long as you keep trying. If you don’t trust yourself, then trust me: you are stronger than the lusts implanted within your soul.”

Hajime shakes, much quieter now, as he listens to the Father’s words. That’s right. He’s going to be okay. He’s safe here, in this house, in his home, his face pressed gently against warm, soft, surprisingly heavy fabric. He has nothing to fear, this is where he can be comfortable, where he can—

It isn’t until Hajime hears the slight hitch in his priest’s breath, feels the fingers in his hair tug lightly, that he realizes what he’s done. At some point he must have forgotten where he was, because now his mouth is open, teeth pressing slightly into the fabric of Father Komaeda’s vestments (if he bit down now, he’d probably be able to feel that jutting hip bone between his teeth.) Shit, shit, shit.

Hajime pulls himself back as if burned, fear and sorrow being replaced by a deep, deep shame. He sputters, “Oh, G— I-I’m so sorry, Father, I-I-I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry, I’m s-so sorry, I chew on things as a nervous habit, I-I didn’t mean to, I’m so sor—“

His words are cut short by a quiet, yet still deeply embarrassing whine when he feels those fingers tug gently in his hair once again. Wide-eyed, he tilts his head back to look his Father in the face. He’s not angry or disgusted. In fact, he’s… smiling?

“Nonsense,” says the priest. “Accidents happen.” Then, his smile changes slightly, in a way Hajime can’t place, before he adds, “Though perhaps we should see about getting you a muzzle, hm? As a preventative measure, of course.”

Hajime feels those slender fingers ruffle his hair one more time before Father Komaeda takes a step back, beckoning Hajime over to a nearby pew. “Come, allow me to lead you in prayer. It will grant you strength in this time of hardship.”

Doing his best to move on from whatever just happened (a joke, right? Father Komaeda was joking, he didn’t mean— he wasn’t— whatever,) Hajime nods, not daring to look down to his jeans, which feel awfully tight all of a sudden. It’s a good thing his flannel was already tied around his waist when he entered. He stands, walks over to the pew Komaeda’s brought him to, and kneels in prayer, quietly repeating after his Father’s every word.

“Father, right now, I yield to the truth that I am weak, and You are strong. Forgive me for the arrogance and pride that makes me think I can do anything good on my own. Keep me broken, Father, and on my face before You. Please use the broken places in my life to let Your light shine through. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

“Amen.”

After the prayer is done, Hajime feels that hand in his hair once more. It pets him once, a single affectionate stroke, before he hears his priest’s voice say “Good boy,” so quiet that Hajime isn’t even sure he heard it.

“Th-thank you for your hospitality and your help, Father,” Hajime speaks quickly, knowing that he has to leave before the Father notices the crimson blooming gently across his face. Like the coward he is, Hajime flees, promising to show up to Mass tomorrow like always, and he refuses to think about it the entire drive home.

Still, when he gets home, it’s quiet. So quiet that his mind instinctively begins to fill the silence all on its own. He can’t stop thinking about it, any of it— Komaeda’s calm kindness, Komaeda’s hands in his hair (God, how good it felt when he had pulled,) the warm fabric of Komaeda’s robes against his tongue (fuck, he nearly bit down,) Komaeda’s unreadable smile (he has such perfect teeth,) Komaeda’s jokes about muzzles (what about collars? Leashes?), Komaeda’s praise (what he wouldn’t give to hear that again.) It all plays in his mind, over and over again. But he’s determined not to let it win. He has God on his side.

After what must have been hours tossing and turning in an attempt to fall asleep, Hajime wakes up to a dwindling heat in his gut and soiled bedsheets. Fuck. Hajime shows up to Mass that morning feeling frustrated, but trying his best to be patient. He still resisted temptation when he was awake, that’s to be celebrated. It’s like Father Komaeda told him: he can handle hard things.

[sicksadgames]

Into the Blind, and Wot I Like about Space Stuff

I've been working on this for a while in between breaks updating As the Sun Forever Sets. Why is my idea of a break from writing games just writing a different game? I have dumb bitch disease. I wanted to talk about some of the inspirations for it.

Welcome to The Rim

Into the Blind is a sci fi game about a group of gig economy workers living contract to contract on the roiling, wild edge of space. It's about CRT screens, mechanical keyboards, junction boxes, pipes and wires. It's about the unknown, the stresses of capital, and horror - visceral and ephemeral. It's about working hard jobs in dangerous conditions for little pay, and the chance of a better life. 

You are a Freelancer - Salvager, Shipbreaker, Courier, Bodyguard, Assassin, First Responder, Negotiator, Investigator, Debt Collector. A Freelancer is any and all of these, depending on the contract. You'll take whatever you can get to make ends meet. 

Every job you do balances your need to pay the rent on your ship against your desire to remain alive. Grab what you can, get paid, and stay alive.

If this sounds cool to you, you can grab a free preview (with the old name) below.

Let me show you my favourite space things

Ok, time for the self indulgent ramblings.

(Potential) Spoilers for: Gravity, Interstellar, Contact, Arrival, The Expanse, the Alien series, the Thing, Annihilation, Homeworld: Cataclysm and Magnetic Rose.

Physics and Feelings at 10km/s

There are a lot of sci-fi horror TTRPGS out there. Like a lot a lot. Mothership, Death in Space, the Alien RPG, You're in Space and Everything's Fucked, the list goes on and on. Not that that matters - people should make the games they wanna make and I wanted to make a scary sci-fi game with spaceships, so eh fuck it.

Something I realised while writing stuff for Into the Blind and working on the system is that the themes and feeling of a lot of the sci-fi stuff I'm into didn't revolve around a towering monster skulking around dark spaceship. Like, sure, Into the Blind will have a nasty alien somewhere, I don't need to say that I like Alien or talk about why it's good (I do, it is, and I'm going to), but there's more to write about than monsters. Space is already intrinsically stressful and horrifying:

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Chris Hadfield can shut the fuck up, Gravity has some of the scariest, tensest scenes in a movie I've ever seen in my fucking life. After watching this you could never pay me enough to go to space. The only enemy here is inertia, the only monster are the principles of physics that cause a cloud of debris to whip through orbit at 22,000 miles an hour.

Aside from the spectacle, Gravity is a film about finding the will to go on when you have nothing to live for and everything's against you. It's heavily implied that Dr Stone went to space because she's tired of existing on earth (or at least that's my read). She wants mercy and relief from the pain of her life, and watching it you want to gift it to her so badly, but the debris field crashes into her life over and over. It's a relentless, uncaring solar tide that returns like clockwork when to fuck her up any time she gets a break.

These extreme forces also generate incredible tragedy and loss. Interstellar is kind of a dumb movie but despite the memes about this scene it always gets me. You don't know what you have until it's gone, and sometimes the distance between you knowing you've lost something and it becoming lost can (thanks to black holes and weird gravity stuff) slip by you in an age that feels like an instant.

Both Gravity and Interstellar have soft, beating hearts encased behind the layers of radiation shielding, technobabble and worn metal, and when the colossal forces that make the universe turn rip it open, they're laid bare.

That's a fucking cool thing to make a game about!

Indistinguishable from Magic

I'm not a big brain science person, when it comes to wormholes, relativity, folding space time and all that, I don't really get it. I just know that it's cool as hell and opens the door to powerful character stories about finding meaning and confronting your feelings at the edge of our understanding of reality.

Contact and Arrival are two sides of the same movie to me. Both are heavily grounded in big Theory and big Science Words, both are about powerful sciencey girlbosses who've lost something dear to them (one in the future, one in the past.) Contact leans more towards the hard science approach, but both are at their best when they're balanced on the edge of the plausible and the implausible. They're both about the incredible, incomprehensible nature of the universe. They're both about people who change the world, in ways both vast impercievable to everyone else.

They're both stories of hope and benevolence, but Contact frames this through 90's optimism and the power of nations working together towards a common goal (it's so optimistic, even the villain-coded megacorporation decides to help out, which uhhhh), Arrival frames these themes through personal tragedy - Dr Banks pays a high price to save humanity from itself.

Behind the calculations and clipboards and theories, these are stories about personal discovery, love and heartache.

These are also fucking cool things to make games about!

Magnetic Rose is probably the single biggest influence on Into the Blind - there's a full adventure heavily inspired by it in the preview. It's just so good. The visual design and animation are simultaneously grounded and real yet brilliantly beautiful and surreal. It's tragic gothic horror at the dark, gritty edge of space, and it's so good at being sad. The penultimate scenes in heart of the tomb-like space station, surrounded by rank brown water and decaying metal are heartwrenching. Heintz is tormented by visions of his past and you feel it so hard. The film doesn't care to tell you how this is all happening - are his memories ghosts? holograms? hallucinations? It only cares about the why, and it's incredible.

Breathable Air Prepayment Meters

It's been ages since I watched The Expanse, so I'm not gonna dwell on it too much, but what I remember focused heavily on how capital and government care little about those they govern and sell to.

The level that our existence is monetised and used as a cudgel against us currently can surely only expand along with our expansion into the stars. You can go there right now if you have enough money to do so, and when life beyond earth becomes feasible, the companies that financed it will need someone to clean the ducts and polish the solar arrays. The amount of things that can be sold to you can only increase out in space. You think rents are high now? Wait till you see the price of a 1 bedroom apartment in orbit around Mars. Add nice breathable mix of nitrogen and oxygen to your list of monthly outgoings. You think you'll be able to repair your C02 scrubbers without voiding the warranty? Fuck no.

The Alien movies are obviously (despite what some grognards on twitter dot com will tell you) deeply about extreme capitalism. The galaxy is ruled by companies that could not care less about you, and the bottom line is all that matters. This kinda matters less and less as the films wear on, but the first 3 are all about working class people sacrificed on the altar of the interstellar dollar.

Alien 3 in particular has a lot of problems, but the edgy teen in me is still really fond of this scene. It's doing a Big Foreshadow (Do you get it? The alien is like.. the flower he's talking about right? But the flower is bad?) But it feels like an appropriate lament for prisoners on the ass end of space. Despite what the company wants you to believe, the inmates of Fury 161 don't deserve to die, aren't expendable.

We all have flowers within us waiting to grow, out from the shadow of capital.

You might've noticed mentions of a nasty guy in those last clips.

Ok fine, also Monsters

We all love a little nasty guy, I cannot resist the pull of the weird monster that does Big Themes. Like I said, there's so much TTRPG stuff focused on them for good reason And space is ripe for the nastiest of guys.

There's really nothing more to be said about The Thing, it just fucking rules. It's a movie that cares as much about what a monster can do to peoples bodies as what it can do to their minds and relationships.

What a horrible fate for Sheppard. The idea of Annihilations mutant bear is just so sinister it makes my gut drop whenever I re-watch it. Again, not much else to be said about this movie. It rips.

Homeworld: Cataclysm is a weird game. It's a survival horror.. strategy game? Set in space? Where you never see a single person?? And somehow it's voice acting and plot is incredible???

The Beast is the nickname for the microorganism that emerges from the millenia old wreckage the mining vessel Kuun-Lan happens upon whilst scouring deep space for valuable minerals. The threat it presents is so real and visceral, it's one of those "if this hits our planet, it's so over" monsters, and it's obscenely scary and gruesome. Even the Bentusi, a race of nigh-on ageless benevolent machine beings are absolutely terrified, and try to abandon the galaxy in the face of it (they fear their biological minds will be trapped in their machine bodies if they're taken over by The Beast, locked in and forced to watch what it does to the galaxy. Damn.)

The scene where you and your fleet fight the Bentusi as they try to evacuate known space to force them to help you is intense and incredible. You're fighting gods, and all you can do is crash against their incredible technology again and again like a stiff breeze, pleading for help and humanity. You shame them into taking responsibility for helping the mortals in the galaxy against this ancient threat. That's the fear inspired by The Beast.

Thank you for coming to my Space Ted Talk

I told you it was self indulgent huh. Hopefully this goes some way to explaining what I'm going for with this game. Not only monsters, but the experiences of people trapped by incredible forces of nature, corporations and circumstance. Not only horror, but exploitation, sadness, love, longing and loss. Thanks for reading.

Again, if you want to check out Into the Blind, you can get the free preview below, and follow me on Itch to get notified for when game releases (soon? idk)

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

This is going to get personal, and emotional, so just scroll by if you don't wanna cringe yourself to death.

This may stem partly from the heat exhaustion I endured earlier while fighting with yard work, and also from exhaustion from grappling with my child starting school, and also also with general stress, and.

In short, I very well may be a little delirious. But I haven't said so in a while, and I just want you guys to know the following important information:

I love you all so fckin much.

All of you. Muties that interact regularly or just chill on the sidelines, creative anons in the ask box, lurkers who might be to shy to say anything (I usually fall into that category too so do not feel bad, I understand that people are scary which is why I remain as anonymous as possible myself). I love

Absolutely

All

Of

You.

Like. Every time I see an ask that starts with something like "I hope this is okay" or "If you don't want to answer you don't have to" or, GODS FORBID "Please ignore this if it's a problem," anything like that, I just. Wanna give you the biggest hug ever, and wrap you in a comfy blanket and give you all your favorite snacks and make sure you feel safe and comfortable here.

This blog is my own safe space. I'm the human equivalent of a mouse in reality. People scare tf out of me. If I could, I'd happily live in a remote cabin in the middle of the wilderness with a few pets and never have any further face-to-face interaction with other humans again, with the sole exception of my child and one of my nieces. I second guess every single word that comes out of my mouth, even around people I love and care about and would frankly die for. I just. Am not good at people-ing.

My identity here as an unknowable horror isn't just to be silly. I really have a lot of trouble identifying with anyone else, and I legitimately feel like an alien or a monster most of the time.

I second guess everything I post here, no matter how much I try not to. No matter how much I remind myself that it's not important what other people think, and that their opinions have no bearing at all on my day-to-day life.

So maybe it's a little hypocritical of me to say that none of you have any reason to worry about asking or commenting anything, when I spend ninety percent of my own time worrying about everything, including made-up problems that haven't even happened yet and likely never will.

But I really, really do not want you guys to ever worry, or ever feel like you have to apologize, or ever second-guess anything here.

If the world scares you as much as it scares me, and you need somewhere that you can be unapologetically yourself without any judgment, then you are both welcomed and encouraged to do just that here, while I try to do the same thing myself.

This stems a lot from my mom. I lost her when I was sixteen. She had a brain aneurysm and passed away very unexpectely. She picked me up from school, we had dinner together, and a few hours later she was gone. It's incredibly hard for me to talk about her, but I need to mention her here, because she was always my safe space.

She was the one who made me who I am. She had trouble identifying with other people. The few close friends she had were lifelong friends. She was a lot more fierce than I am, a lot more capable of standing up for herself, but she was always kind. Always understanding. She never judged anyone. She always considered others' feelings, others' backgrounds. She hated organized religion with a passion, but she never belittled anyone for their own personal beliefs. She never got to go to college like she wanted to, but she was the wisest person I've ever known. If I could give one reason why, it would be this:

She always treated everyone the same.

Age, religion, place of origin, skin color, likes, interests, it didn't matter. She treated everyone the same. With kindness, with respect, with humor, with love. Everyone. Always.

I'm not saying she had no flaws. She was a force to be reckoned with when she was angry. Her and my older brother had some fights that I'll never forget for sure. She broke down when her own mother died and lost a lot of hope for a while. I was thirteen at the time, and her mom, my Nana, was just as much a pillar of strength for me, and we leaned on each other to get through it.

I really never had any major fights with her that I can remember. I never felt like she was trying too hard to be cool as I got older, she was just naturally cool. I was never, ever ashamed of her. Me and my old best friends went to our first concert with her, and they still talk about how cool she was. How they felt more at ease talking to her about their problems than their own family.

Like I said, this was going to get personal.

But the point to all this, is I want to be there for all of you in the same way that she was there for me, for my brother, for my friends. I want all of you to feel at ease here, even if you don't feel at ease anywhere else. I want you to know that you can always be yourself here.

You can be unapologetically, shamelessly, proudly you.

The most important thing my mom ever taught me is that everyone deserves to have somewhere they feel safe and loved and wanted. I doubt she ever said it in those exact words, but she spent her entire life proving it to me.

So whatever your case, if you need somewhere to be yourself, then you will always be welcome here. You don't have to apologize for it. You don't have to feel bad about it. The only thing you should feel here is safety.

And love. Because I love you. All of you.

If you ever feel like no one else does, then at least rest assured that I do.

Even if we've never spoken, I still love you. Even if you've never felt like anyone loves you, I promise that I love you.

When I say I hate humanity, it's largely because there's such an overwhelming amount of hate among us. It's really the hate itself that I hate. But you, as an individual reading this, no matter how much or how little hate you have in you, I still love you.

Everyone deserves love, and if it's the only thing that I have to give, then I'm going to give it.

[naluwalker]

Yes, I'm here again

Hey, hello, it's me again. Again with more ideas of something I'm not going to write. Again with more Zhongchi, and again with more child rearing. Only this time it's not Naruto.

I want you to understand that while I am neutral towards JK Rowling and all her controversies, the world of Harry Potter is totally different, and the love I have for that series is much more than I can explain.

So in pursuit of my love for Harry Potter and my love for Genshin and Zhongchi, I returned to release my brain bugs.

So, it's the spring of 1985 and a new family has moved into Privet Drive. All the housewives in the neighborhood gossip about the beautiful redhead who now lives at 8 Privet Drive and her mysterious husband.

The cheerful woman visits all her neighbors to greet them with a deep red soup casserole, which she claims is a recipe from her homeland, and introduces herself as Ajax.

Ajax happily tells all her gossipy neighbors about her move from Russia, her new job as an elementary school teacher, and her very handsome and charming husband, who is unfortunately stuck at work due to all the paperwork that was delayed due to the move and how a company will not go alone. The mysterious husband seems to be loaded.

Harry is indifferent until he discovers that his new neighbor is also his new math teacher, and that her children will be his classmate.

While Xiao is silent, surly, and has very scary golden eyes, his sister Tao is boisterous, talkative, and very, very creepy. Harry honestly doesn't know what to do with them, especially the girl who makes fun of him and "the woman who follows him everywhere."

One afternoon while escaping from Dudley and his friends he ends up bumping into Xiao and things don't turn out well... For Dudley. Apparently the older brother has no patience for bullies and idiots.

When Aunt Petunia invites her new teacher and her children over to discuss what happened, which is a subtle attempt to make Ajax look like a bad mother to her children while pushing an angry Uncle Vernon around, things don't go according to plan. what was planned. Because when Ajax accepts, Harry meets the most intimidating man he has ever seen in his short life.

Zhongli Huang, Ajax's husband, is tall, handsome and elegant, and together with his wife they form a beautiful picture that makes Petunia and Vernon fail in every way possible. He doesn't seem very impressed with the situation either and spends the evening subtly criticizing the Dursley couple while devoting all his attention to doting on his wife and children. In every stressful situation, Harry accidentally makes his presence known, and without realizing it, gives blackmail ammunition to the vicious redhead like a shark that smells blood.

With a few mild threats, silent blackmail, and a smile like a grave, Harry finds his life looking up when he finds himself moved across the street to a strange but loving family who treat him with more affection than he has received for as long as he can remember. Zhongli and Ajax are strange in every way possible, and Xiao and Tao are just as prone to acting outlandishly, but the way they sink into his life and heart makes things worth it.

The next few years are warm and happy, the Dursleys avoid them like the plague and Dudley can no longer get closer than six feet without some of his new brothers bristling and attacking like very violent cats. He has also discovered things about her new family, like how his parents treat gender more as a mood than as a real biological thing, or how reality seems to break down around his, but they are things that he has gotten used to and decides to do. That it really doesn't matter how strange they are, your family is your family and that's all that matters.

Then he receives a letter and discovers that he is a wizard, and he is not the only one. Xiao looks at the letter envelope as if there was a bomb inside and Tao waves his as he folds it into a pretty crane, mother and father share tea and ignore everything around them in favor of getting lost in each other's gaze while Harry suffers an existential crisis. The next day they are in Diagon Alley.

Harry ends up accepting magic as he has been accepting everything around him for the last few years, some disbelief, a lot of doubt, and what feels like an instinctive resignation that he can't escape his situation. His parents have given him many options, which include Oxford University in the future, so he just accepts the magic, since his parents seem to be on top of everything and don't mind that their three children are going to embark on what they are It is surely your new life in a magical world. Archons, he can't believe that's a real thought.

Thus, Harry embarks on a new journey away from the family home that has been taking care of him since he left the horrible Dursley home, with only the company of his beloved brothers. Or he was, until he finds out that mother, who is now dad, and father, who is now Miss Zhongli, are teachers at his new magical school.

Once again, he resigns himself to what his life has been like for six years and moves on. Meanwhile, neither Hogwarts, nor Vondermort, nor even Dumbledore know what has fallen into their laps: A very battlesexual former herald, his very permissive divine husband, they overly diligent and surly eldest son, and they mischievously chaotic and eccentric youngest daughter.

[cubot]

What's wrong?

I have horrific executive dysfunction and live in squalor all the time. I still have a dish in my sink that has been there since October 2023.

I can't do the things I want to do nor need to do and when I have things I need to do, like taxes, I end up hitting my head repeatedly and crying out of stress. I need to get a new job because I'm so burnt out with my current one which was only ever supposed to be temporary anyway, but I can't do the simple work of fixing my resume because it feels like there is an invisible wall in front of my brain and it's sharp and it hurts and I can't chose when I can walk through it, so I just keep stabbing myself.

I need to look into rehoming my pet rats because I can't clean their cage as often as I would like, as often as they need it, because they need it they need it they deserve better, but even writing the post is like a mountain. I was supposed to be better to them. I was supposed to be better to myself by being better to them.

I have no money, so I'm constantly stressed.

My body hurts, my brain hurts, something is chronically wrong with me. I hope it's something bad because I would like a way to die that doesn't feel overwhelmingly hateful to my loved ones.

I just play video games in bed because I don't have the energy for anything else and the fiction allows me to ignore the world. I have no plans for the future because I constantly plan for the fact I want to be dead soon.

I don't need help on wanting to die. I've wanted to die since I was 14. I'm almost 29. That's nearly every single fucking day for half my life. I'm used to it. It's a comfort. It's my emotional support and it helps me. And I have accepted it. Because I've tried to work on it in so many ways over the years through therapy and medicine and changing my lifestyle, and it's still here. It's just me.

BUT I need help in making life less full of despair, so when I choose to keep living to not hurt the people around me, it doesn't feel like I'm sacrificing myself. So it doesn't feel like I'm ripping myself apart. That I'm not making myself suffer and suffer and be so full of torment and pain. I need help with living.

I planned on killing myself in a few days and it's been the plan for two fucking years. It led up to this. But everyone around me is either making future plans with me, reminding me repeatedly that I have a place in their lives and a history with them, or having terrible times for themselves and I don't want to hurt them more on top of it. But I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted.

I want someone to sit next to me and help me set up a new attempt on getting diagnosed with ADHD to see if the medicine would help me do the fucking dishes regularly at least! Because my last attempt, the doctor belittled me repeatedly and just setting up that in the first place took all my energy and I can't do it again. I'm tired.

I want someone to pick up my rats and give them a better life than I could ever dream of giving them even though I did my best.

I want someone to help me write my resume without it making me feel like my brain is being torn to shreds, so that I can find a new job, so that getting a blood test bill won't put me off looking into any medical help in the future. I'm tired!

I want to figure out why I feel sick all the time and find out if there is a way to stop feeling sick all the time. Or to just have better management over it.

I want to have enough money to do things that keep giving me new experiences so maybe doing something scary and new will make me feel like I shouldn't die soon.

I can't change society or climate change or war or starvation or any of those things that make me want to die, but I could potentially change me. But I can't do it alone. I'm just tired.

I tell no one anything because if you tell people you want to die, they want to take away your freedom and latch you with more debt if they make you go to the hospital and I want control in my life. I want independence. This is my life, I should be able to choose how I live it.

I want to live in a world where I could tell people I want to die and they could accept it and then I could just die after a farewell party, but we don't live in that world. So I will keep living, but I want to stop suffering the whole time.

That's what's wrong.

[gabbagepatch]

Wasn't a virus ~ 4-3-2024

Okay, so... I got a ~flare~

I didn't know this shit could flare. I figured the nerve pain had stagnated, apparently not. Honestly it's kindof scary, I'm trying to cope with the fear while waiting for the neurologist. I'm having a hard time. I cry almost every night. I'm really tired of dealing with this, I just want to be well. I'm okay-ish. I'm doing things I enjoy, spending time with my loved ones, etc. But at night it still hurts and that's really difficult. I'm very impatient to see the neurologist because I just want them to tell me I'm okay.

Four weeks ago when this started I had about a week of intense nerve pain and vomiting + other unsavory GI issues. Lack of appetite, malaise, brain fog, twitching, etc. It stagnated at a manageable mild-moderate discomfort via twitching and tingling. Then three days ago it ramped up again and last night I had an intense attack that echoed the first flare.

There was certainly some improvement from the first time though. The first time the burning sensation was nearly constant for 2-3 days with multiple bouts of vomiting. Last night after the peak of the flare it was manageable and I was able to get to sleep at the reasonable time. For reference, the first flare I was up until 6am.

I'm feeling worn out and poorly today with some unpleasant sensations in my face but otherwise it's still more manageable than the first flare. Hopefully this means the severity will keep decreasing until it goes away? It sounds weird but I'm a bit hopeful since this time is much easier than the first.

Me and my PCP suspect I have gadolinium deposition disease. The issues began within a week I received an MRI with contrast and my symptoms match it near perfectly. It's not an "official" disease, whatever that means, but if the shoe fits! I'm fighting to get a 24hr urine test so we can know for sure. I think it's kind of ridiculous that it's so difficult to get a test for a substance 15 million Americans receive every year.

My last therapy session is next Tuesday too, so I'll need to start looking for a long-term counselor soon. Another doctor to search for lol. Honestly the appointments make me feel better, like I have a witness and it gives me something to do. A goal. I miss having goals that weren't centered around my health.

I really appreciated my last therapy session, she helped me do mental exercises working through the death of my dog. She also helped me find some coping mechanisms to deal with the fear of having an undiagnosed illness. Her recommendation was to write down my symptoms, especially when they're making me feel isolated.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt about the stress this is putting on my parents. I was crying last night being held by my mom and said, "I'm so sorry, I never wanted to put you through this again."

She replied, "You're not putting me through anything. We're going through this together."

That made me feel a lot better. You can never completely silence the negative thoughts but that certainly lowered the volume. I love my mom.

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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

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