#even just a moderately bad day
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hello qsmp fandom. before you, there is a post that relies on unreality for its joke. your challenge is to tag that unreality to help look after your associates who struggle with that. i am no longer asking.
#mcyt#qsmp#i am begging you please please please tag unreality#im in a good headspace today but posting screenshots edited to say '6 years ago' and talking aout qsmp ending long ago would fuck me up on-#even just a moderately bad day#shitty jokes like these get circulated so often im so fucking tired#qsmp fans i am BEGGING YOU
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to be, or not to be (romanticization of the inevitable)
#ray's tag#keys' art#undescribed#skeletons#ok to reblog#the skeleton model that i traced for this was provided by the incredible kiku @kikunai whom you can find right here on tumblr!#so uh. This is a piece about chronic fatigue although the original idea i had for it drifted a bit as soon as I started coloring the linear#(i really enjoy shading and lighting things and got a bit carried away here but i stand by my choice because this is my favorite thing#that i've ever drawn)#anyways. i often feel especially lately with school being back in season that my bones are leaden with this sort of. weariness. theyre heav#it weighs on our mental health and energy a lot and although there's a couple of reasons we have been given for it#that doesn't remove the fact that this is still a thing that affects us in a very real way day to day although we are good at masking it.#often i come home to find that i do not have the physical mental or creative energy to work on things i really want to#especially project: nexus which i feel extra bad about even though i can't help it because i just started it so recently#it is a mild to moderate struggle to make it day to day and i just. wanted to represent this somehow#my original concept for this was a skeleton with some black goop gunk whatever leaking from its joints#but as i started adding the cracks and coloring them gold (a personal touch; kintsugi is a concept that is very dear to us)#i realized that the focus here was less on the condition itself and more on the body that it afflicts.#so i put it into a spotlight.#ironic i know since very little people acknowledge this irl or even know it exists at all but i added rim lighting. I added color gradients#I colored the lineart and made it all fancy and even added a flare for the head to get the point across that even at its core; disability i#a performance. this is not implying that disabilities are fake in fact this is the opposite of that. i wanted to show that with disabilitie#especially i think in my personal opinion the invisible ones#we are all masking at least a little bit during the vast majority of the day. humans are social creatures and it is only when we are alone#or with someone we deeply trust where we allow ourselves to be who we truly are without fear and even then that can be rare#so i wanted to show this bit of the soul in as broad a limelight as i could. idk this is a really abstract piece and i dont know if anyone#will even get it but it matters to me at least. and even though we've been largely bedridden for the past week i think that's okay#we will get it figured out. all of us. okay? okay. i love you. i fucking love you. we are going to fucking make it#(also the xes over the eyes are because i thought they looked cool they have no deeper meaning at least i think they dont#actually i think they do but i cant put it into words idk. Art is subjective assign your own meaning i'm gonna go get a shower)
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Let me be absolutely clear -- the problems with Tumblr will keep getting worse if the disabled minority and the trans people and the people frothing at the mouth at the opportunity to yell at a transphobe, keep @’ing staff and the developers on this site, tell them to kys, because in the meanwhile the transphobes and racists and white supremacists will keep using the actual tools Tumblr provides for blocking and reporting, further poisoning the datasets used for moderation, and encouraging the idea that using the official tools does nothing to basically ensure the only statistically meaningful data available to Automattic is poisoned, poisoned all the way down, poisoned beyond usability.
Hatespeech and bias needs to be reported for it to be considered statstically significant to act on from a developer point of view. Suicide baiting and spamming any of the official means of communication will get you eliminated as a spammer, even if you’re peppering legitimate criticism within your ventpost about how you hate the new thing. You are playing the TE/RFs game.
#van stuff#the biggest reason we don't have an easily accessible 'report hatespeech' button is a) because people misused the old one#and b) because it's not satistically significant enough to be the first thing people want to report#this is like. COMMON fucking knowledge that moderation on Tumblr is 99% automated and extremely cheesable#and you now who are cheesing it? TRANSPHOBES!!!#Like this is not even a 'the developers won't care' kind of thing#this is a 'THE DEVELOPERS NEED HARD DATA TO JUSTIFY MAKING CHANGES'#if the ARE actively malicious then the data contradicting everything they're saying will FORCE changes#and if they mean what they say when they say they value the site for its vibrant culture#then giving them hard data to share with unconvinced people signing off on them having the budget to change things will ONLY help#the whole 'let's yell at staff every time anything happens' is a shibboleth#You're all being fucking exhausting#I want to quit Tumblr because if the userbase is gonna be like this!!!#If ALL I SEE for DAYS ON END is 'staff this' 'staff that'#that's JUST GIVING ME WORSE ANXIETY ABOUT THIS SITE GOING DOWN#'this change is bad for disabled users' YOUR NEEDLESS CONSTANT HOSTILITY AND PANIC RAISING IS ALSO BAD FOR ME A DISABLED USER#WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE???#'Oh staff could make so much money if they only listened to feedback' you fuckers DON'T LEAVE FEEDBACK THOUGH#you just @ Staff and think that that's statistically meaningful data they can use#Fuck's sake#And that's not counting all the times staff *did* implement changes we wanted for years... AND YOU ALL STILL COMPLAINED#WE MODDED TAG VIEWING IN FOR YEARS AND NOW WHEN IT'S OFFICIAL YOU FUCKERS DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF#Fucking EXHAUSTING the lot of you
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mmhmm
#now the rest ngl i didn't like. so i suppose it did its job and that's me 0-1 whoever wrote that. moderately humiliating#chat. help me answer this question do i even like horror or am i a weakling who will not survive the winter#or did this catch me at a bad time/strike a nerve. and my second question is it because i haven't been doing well like mentally.#the other day just blood made me nauseous and i cannot stress enough how that was just blood#kata.txt
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listening to my G.uzma's MP3 Player playlist and swinging wildly between "god he WOULD listen to this omg... im so smart" and "oh god he would listen to this wouldnt he ... my man has abysmal taste in music"
#i love him but man alive#he needs to branch out at the very least DBDHDJSKL#one day I'll share the playlist... it just would physically pain me to share LMFAO#ITS NOT BAD. ITS GOOD EVEN. BUT LIKE. IN MODERATION....#all of these in one is ... sigh. shakes my head sadly.#dandy.cmd#💜so good at being in trouble
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My constant thought process is like 'I feel like I'm always sick and will be forever' -> 'yeah dweeb that's what chronic illness is' and then I cry.
#I've just had like. moderate stomachache and headache and fatigue for several days straight. and cant shake it#have not enjoyed my time off. have not cleaned my room. i am always too warm or too cold.#it's not even bad it's just annoying and depressing
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Man, I'm so glad I never liked Doctor Who because... what the hell has happened to it?
#Like I never liked it but in my high school days all my friends were OBSESSED with it.#So while I didn't like it I obviously listened to them talk about it because they all loved it so much#So I'm very familiar with the Eccleston-Tennant-Smith eras#(And Torchwood which I only partially watched)#And the major plot/character arcs etc.#And from what I'm hearing now they basically just... undid a bunch of the most impactful story lines and I just.#Like even someone who doesn't like Doctor Who I ask: why?#But then again this isn't unique to Doctor Who.#The trend seems to be to resurrect IPs and then just destroy them with bad/lazy writing these days#And then when fans understandably critique it just claim fans are being racist/misogynistic/insert-ist-or-ism-here.#No! It's just that your writing sucks! We're mad because the writing sucks and is lazy and the characters don't make sense!#Anyway I have heard NOTHING good about the new DW stuff even from my very progressive friends. My moderate friends are equally disappointe#text#misc
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my wrists are fucked up and i can't work and i'm not getting paid for medical leave even though legally i'm supposed to,
but also my friends are all helping me with chores whenever i ask and keep bringing me food without me asking
and i wanted to leave that job for the past year and also i got fucking permanent residency finally so in theory i can go on EI but of course i still haven't gotten the paperwork i need for that from my old job but at least i'll have health insurance for the rest of my life starting like 4 months from now
and it's been three weeks since i had to stop work so i found a workers' comp union and they helped me file a complaint and i have enough to make rent and a few weeks worth of meds and am having a yard sale over the weekend
and i was going to sell my broke down car but i can't because i haven't paid off my parking tickets but the cars for cash place only offered me 400 bucks for it anyways
two separate friends have crashed on my air mattress while going through breakups during all of this which has honestly been pretty convenient given my inability to cook or clean
and my wrists still hurt but they're healing very slowly and my friends nearby keep checking in to make sure i ask for help if i need it
#i'm very stressed but hopefully i'll figure it out#my friend anna randomly dropped off zucchini bread today#the second breakup-recovery houseguest left today and bought me cleaning supplies as a parting gift#(i did not need cleaning supplies but they were appalled by me handing them a spray with bleach in it to clean the kitchen counters lmao)#they also gave me boric acid bc ants invaded two days ago and they helped me get rid of them#when alyssa was here she cooked me a bunch of meals and chopped and blanched and froze all my vegetables#even allister let me keep the whole food bank haul that i normally split with her this week#oh the injury is tendonitis from work it just got really bad lol. eating was hard for a week or so#now i can type on my phone again (in moderation) and use the bathroom sink and pick cups up without it hurting!#oh AND my grandmother is in the hospital and my parents are coming to visit in a few weeks 🙃
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food/ed talk
#so the meds have kicked in#i was out of meds for a hot second#and now I'm back on them and they have hit me like a brick to the face#a side effect of this particular drug (and frankly the reason I like it) is that it squishes your appetite like a bug#i was using that effect to sort of moderate the BED and have less frequent and less strong cravings#but then I ran out#and started eating 2k calories in a sitting#and gaining weight and freaking out#and now I do not have even the slightest craving for anything at all#great right?#wrong!#i am exhausted#right when I finally realized that crash dieting is a Bad Idea my appetite is missing in action#and I am eating a crash diet amount of food#which is going to end really well I bet#and I miss food and feeling full and stuff tasting good and it has only been one day#going to just excuse myself to the tantrum hole
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:)
#You know the other day something pretty unfortunate happened to me#and I found myself in the shower saying WHY ME ALWAYS lol but today#I had a delicious suhoor#met a close friend#went to the gym#and came home to see my beautiful mom and the rest of my family#we’re preparing iftaar and even tho I’m on a diet I’ll allow myself to indulge in my moms specialties in moderation okay#idk I just felt really warmed by how sweet life really can be once you stop focusing on the bad things going on#I was just deeping how ungrateful I was tbh but yeah had to get it off my chest#enough waffling anyways all hands on deck for our first iftaar this year 🤝🏽
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How are you permenantly disabled by burnout? If you're experiencing symptoms of burnout without the actual burnout, that's probably depression
autistic burnout can make you regress in your ability to function and last years or ive seen some people say it can be forever depending on severity. i doubt it's forever for me but i've definitely regressed and as long as i have to keep up with my responsibilities i'll stay this way or get worse
#some people have been bedridden for 1+ years and it's not that severe for me but#working the smallest amount of hours possible in order to make rent and bills is still too much for me#doing chores when i have time off is still too much for me#i used to have at least 3 good days a week now i have maybe 3 a month if im lucky#:(#i can definitely tell the difference between autistic burnout and depression for me personally#and my depression got rly bad recently BECAUSE of the burnout but im feeling better now#im happy at the moment but still low on energy and struggling to keep up with tasks rly bad#i was forced to take 3 weeks off of work when it got super bad and that helped but#even that wasn't enough i feel like i need genuinely 4 months at least of not working in order to recover but that's just. not an option#i've crashed so severely cus i went my whole life without even knowing i was autistic when i needed moderate support
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for 2025 i’d love for my body to stop deteriorating and at least stabilize and for doctors to stop being literally evil. i know this is a big ask but please I just want to live
#by evil i mean refusing to do anything more than a blood test and claiming my symptoms are psychiatric#even though they’re clearly physical and have no relation to my mood or will#cus that’s apparently how they view “female fatigue” (their words not mine)#Like. Fatigue so bad i can barely use the bathroom most days. constant infection and inflammation. constant moderate to severe pain#near constant fevers. low blood pressure and tachycardia. gastropareis+ibs+ulcers. dry eyes mouth nose vag etc despite hydrating.#hives and eczema from an increasing list of things my body reacts to#the still chronic insomnia. the inability to regulate my temperature. the fucking joint problems. the migraines#the right side of my body fucking sucks and it’s not even my migraine side#honestly i could continue to list things all day. i also have documented cognitive problems that are being worsened by brain fog#but no. all help i got from the specialist was him trying to push me into psychiatry (where i’ve had bad experience before fyi)#i fucking hate it here. doctors don’t even care about symptom management or quality of life#i lost most of my mobility in just two years. while doctors and loved ones around me have been calling me lazy and telling me to just#try harder and push through the fatigue and pain. as if. as if i haven’t tried that???#ok i’m done now#vent post
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Replying to my thesis supervisors emails like what if we all just kill ourselves
#had a crying breakdown over my thesis 1st draft feedback LOL#And you know it’s bad when I cry bc I only do that like 4 times a year#it wasn’t even anything negative just suggestions of other things to include or ways to structure it more coherently#but it just felt so overwhelming when my capacity for work atm is so low#and I just feel overwhelmed like the thesis is due on#2ish weeks. then I have an essay/exam due 10 days after that (5000 words) then another exam 2 days after that#like if the thesis was feeling moderately sorted I’d feel fine abt the rest of it but just. ffs#I’m just disappointed in myself bc first 2 terms of this masters went so well#and I was MONTHS ahead on this thesis#then suddenly major mental health moment hits and I’m scrambling#and I just don’t have that stamina of undergrad me anymore to just live in the library until it’s done#but also I’m just so burnt out in general bc I’ve been doing the ridiculous oxford workload for 4 years straight and I just don’t#have it in me anymore#but then I remember that this degree is over in a month and thays even more horrifying#bc who am I when I’m not a student anymore and specifically a student here#and I do at least have this internship lined up for afterwards but I also only get a 2 week break after finishing this degree before going#straight into 3 months of full time work#like everything feels terrifying rn and whilst I may enjoy day to day things in life#it’s this kind of existential terror at the nebulous ‘future’ that has me reliably wanting to k/ms#and I’ve felt this way everyday since I was like 10 years old and now#I’m 21….
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.......
#tw death#vent#yoy ever get news that a close relative in your life literally just died‚ and you want to feel bad‚ and you want to offer support-#but also the relative that died‚ and all relatives that are deeply upset/destroyed by this are all people you have a -#shall we say‚ turbulent relationship with? not persay you hate them but... they've pretty much caused a lot of your mental health-#issues‚ but also sentimentality‚ and frankly a moderately friendly relationship keep you bound to them#so insteaf of sleeping‚ you're baking cookies‚ and making your sibling(roomate)s breakfast and lunch for the next day#i still have no idea how to process death in a healthy way either‚ and generally can't cry unless alone.#and I also have not cried at... pretty much every other human that's died in my life. even animals I have a fairly low probability of-#crying from. that's more so because I was never given a healthy time/place to grieve.....#anyways‚ back to baking
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they weren't actually doing anything but they were getting on my nerves tonight, I spent a lot of time tuning out so that I didn't cause problems. altho they got me chicken nuggets when they went out on impulse to run an errand so it's not like they were ignoring me. her spaciness hit a peak when she got hypnotized by her own painting, she spent literally 20 minutes just staring at it and talking about the things she noticed. which I am glad that she was sharing her thoughts with me but it felt like babysitting a very high person and I am so emotionally exhausted rn. slowly recovering, yes, but still extremely fucking emotionally exhausted. my brain just feels gross and spiky and I don't think it's really about anything and I don't think they can do much about it.
#like she thanked me for being patient with her at daiso#and I acknowledged I was only being moderately patient#it's just. a conflict of needs type of day.#also I said something about being tired of mom's shit earlier in the evening#and he was like 'did something happen??'#and I was just like no these are the ongoing consequences of the same stupid actions#I think I have a right to hold a grudge about it.#cuz that was. really fucking bad.#relationship destroying bad.
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You (wsj article author, not op) supposedly cherish “freedom of expression” and “stories” - which party is doing book bans?? And Which party is against censorship?? Hmmm??? And by voting for Trump you proved everyone else right! You are too stupid and racist and sexist, especially if you think Trump winning will stop these “divisive and destructive” arguments. Leftists and liberals still exist and we still know we are smarter than you and that trump is bad. Or were you hoping we’d all be put in jail? Which trump said he would do-jail all his “enemies” but oh no Democrats enacted constitutional overreach to address actual treason on Jan 6th. You are also stupid for not knowing what 3rd graders are actually taught, and that it’s not Critical Race Theory. I will also bet $1000 you don’t know what CRT actually is or who Kimberlé Crenshaw is. You fear the sway of Big Pharma and you voted for trump?? When Biden has been capping insulin at $30?? And got us vaccines and covid tests for free?? Like none of what you wrote makes sense!!
Thank you, Wall Street Journal, for giving us an editorial that tells us "I voted for Trump because Democrats were mean and rude and 8 year olds are learning CRT and Trump will bring us freedom." Fuck's sake. You bought into Republican propaganda.
#Obligatory yes I know Kamala Harris and the Democratic Party are too beholden to the rich and too centrist/right wing#I would like to vote for more leftist candidates who are actively opposing genocide like Bernie Sanders#but Dems being bad doesn’t mean trump is great or even good or okay#I voted for Harris#but I also voted for Bernie in the 2020 primary#and I’ll keep voting super left in primaries#and as left as is feasible in general elections#but trump voters should be ashamed of themselves#For voting for someone who hates most people and most kinds of people and who doesn’t care about helping anyone#he’s not gonna help most of the ppl who voted for him#I thought they learned that the first time#but it’s been 4 years and I guess they forgot#Or they are just so racist and sexist it doesn’t matter#too scared to vote for a woman of color who would have moderately improved the lives of every day Americans#without solving most of America’s systemic issues which will take decades if not centuries to solve#Because breaking stuff is a lot easier than fixing it#but because she was black and Indian and a woman#and because the ppl who would benefit (slightly) might be black or women or queer or undocumented#Well You couldn’t have that#so frustrating#a rising tide lifts all boats#and it might have been an inch or a foot but the tide would have helped everyone#but some ppl care more about punishing others - punishing undocumented migrants for example#that if the perception is they might not get treated like completely disposable garbage then you can’t vote for Harris#even though Biden and Obama have been way too tough on immigration#Obama even deported the most ppl of any President#but because the Dems aren’t openly xenophobic and racist and don’t laugh about how badly they will treat the ppl they deport#you can’t vote for them?#because it’s easier to blame America’s problems on immigrants (who are the cause of exactly zero of America’s problems)#than to face up to the many multi-faceted causes of America’s ills? Or to acknowledge that racism & sexism might have something to do w/ it
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