disabled queer, prolific liker of posts. call me sheepy or nat/nate. pronouns: they/them or whatever.
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one of the other people quit at matt's work so he's got to take over and organize all their leads and projects as well as juggling busy season and some long overdue system overhauls. he was really grateful when I said we could postpone plans we hadn't even made yet to meet up with rou so that he can go spend time with one of his friends which had been repeatedly rescheduled already.
I made some mention to ignacio that I do wish I could see my friends back home but I can't really be in town. (mostly because of mom, because without dad to shield me/give me alternatives she would be super upset if she found out I was in town and didn't see her and I find sneaking around exhausting. partially because I can't get there on my own and I would struggle to make it worthwhile to whoever gave me a ride even though matt keeps insisting he will take me anywhere anytime I want.) he said there was a thing in a nearby city he wanted to go to in a couple months anyway, when I pointed out it's still like at least an hour away from where I actually live he said he can plan around that. I don't think he remembers the time he already had a bus ticket booked (on my dime) and chose to vanish instead of coming to see me.
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Do people actually like quote books, movies, and TV shows in casual conversation because I refuse to believe that that's true. I legit cannot remember a single quote from anything that I have ever watched or read and you're telling me that people can quote full on paragraphs from their favourite book and it's not just a movie trope to show that they're a nerd.
#reblog#obviously not all autistics do this#but my almost definitely all autistic (bio) family uses echolalia quotes to communicate like. a lot.#audio books and weird shit they heard on the news one time and even things we actually originally said#that just get put on loop in the mental tape recorder forever#and come out when even vaguely relevant#I mostly quote like those 'reading reddit screencaps of tumblr posts' videos without outside influence#(ie other people quoting other shit that I then pick up from them)#or like tiktoks/vines. basically I'm a meme machine I guess.#but also. movies books and tv are all media and so is memes. they're just a different form. (so is the news. media covers a lot actually!)#my partner who is Totally Not Autistic Okay You Guys loves classic literature and will quote long passages of shakespeare#or entire movie/tv scenes where he will pause like you're gonna know the other line#my wife who is actually not autistic does not tend to do any of this unless she's echoing me in the moment#she does not seem to have a mental tape recorder connected to her communication that stores these things
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again, as soon as I get a cloudy cool morning I'm like "cool let's do all this shit we've been putting off for Mysterious Unknown Reasons (the hot sun exacerbating my immune disorder in ways I misperceive as emotional distress and general don't-wannas)"
I have showered, put away laundry, made progress on patreon fulfillment, and both troubleshot the knitting machine and did the gauge swatch for the biggest (and most troublesome) cylinder. (the other two cylinders are a different design that cooperates much better, the needles on this one get twisted easily but I found a new better workaround although it could still use some permanent modification. maybe next year.)
I also still played loddlenaut for multiple hours and I'm gonna play some more, so this isn't even gears-stuck go-mode.
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there was also an earlier dream at a church and someone had gone missing. I saw a footprint and some tire tracks but I wasn't sure if it was usable or even related.
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weird dream that my brother stayed over but looked totally different, he was talking about the camphor being better from east facing windows. there was a tv console showing infomercials with drawers with the items inside, but to purchase them you had to take them to a separate building so they were very stealable.
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dream of feeling lonely and sad and wandering town instead of reaching out to my friends, bumping into a group of girls where one of them was having some kind of breakup crisis and I was like "maybe you like girls" and that turned out to be both correct and very diverting for her, I was wandering back home when I woke up and thinking of asking one of my friends to call just to hang out.
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PDF and video versions both transcribed, under readmore for length. if someone wants me to convert and sync the video transcription as a youtube caption .srt file so they can try to get the video poster to add it to the upload, let me know.
PDF Version:
Disability Culture Rap
Cheryl Marie Wade
Disability Culture. Say what? Aren't disabled people just isolated victims of nature or circumstance?
Yes and no. True, we are far too often isolated. Locked away in the pits, closets and institutions of enlightened societies everywhere. But there is a growing consciousness among us: "that is not acceptable." Because there is always an underground. Notes get passed among survivors. And the notes we're passing these days say, "there's power in difference. Power. Pass the word."
Culture. It's about passing the word. And disability culture is passing the word that there's a new definition of disability and it includes power.
Culture. New definitions, new inflections. No longer just "poor cripple." Now also "CRIPPLE" and, yes, just "cripple." A body happening. But on a real good day, why not C*R*I*P*P*L*E; a body, hap-pen-ing. (Dig it or not.)
Culture. It's finding a history, naming and claiming ancestors, heroes. As "invisibles," our history is hidden from us, our heroes buried in the pages, unnamed, unrecognized. Disability culture is about naming, about recognizing.
Naming and claiming our heroes. Like Helen Keller. Oh, not the miracle-worker version we're all so familiar with, but the social reformer, the activist who tried so desperately to use her celebrity to tell the truth of disability; that it has far more to do with poverty, oppression and the restriction of choices than it has to do with wilted muscles or milky eyes. And for her efforts to tell this truth, she was ridiculed, demeaned as revolutionaries often are. And because Helen Keller was a survivor, and that is the first thing any culture needs -- survivors who live long enough so that some part of the truth makes it to the next generation.
Helen Keller was a survivor, so she pulled back from telling the fuller truth; that's often what survivors have to do; they have to swallow the rage, wear the mask, and, yes, pull back from telling it exactly like it is so that there might be a next generation. And so, Helen Keller, a survivor, we honor you as our ancestor, our hero.
Naming and claiming our hidden history, our ancestors. Like the thousands of mental and physical "defectives," singled out for "special treatment" by the Nazis. Yes, disability culture is recognizing that we were the first victims of the Holocaust, that we are the people the Nazis refined their methods of torture on. So we must honor these unnamed victims as our ancestors, we must raise their unmarked graves into our consciousness, into the consciousness of America so it never happens again. And just as Native Americans insist the true name of discovery is genocide, more and more of us insist the true name of "right to die with dignity" (without opportunities to live with dignity) is murder, the first syllable of genocide.
Naming and claiming our ancestors, our heroes. Like all those circus and carnival freaks, the first disability performance artists. Those rowdy outcasts who learned to emphasize their Otherness, turn it into work, a career, a life. Oh, it may have been a harsh life, sometimes even brutal, but a life: they kept themselves from being locked away in those institutions designed for the excessively different that have always been such a prominent part of the American economy. And so we claim these survivors as our ancestors and we honor them.
Naming and claiming our ancestors, our heroes. Now most of you probably know the story of James Meredith, freedom fighter, African American, who helped break the color barrier, the racial barrier to higher learning by insisting he had a right to an education; insisting.
And without that insistence, the doors of Ole Miss would have remained closed. But do you know the story of Ed Roberts, cripple freedom fighter, disabled man, who, armed with self-esteem and a portable respirator, broke the disability barrier to higher learning by insisting he had a right to an education, by insisting that the doors to the University of California at Berkeley be opened, and by doing so, laid a significant brick onto the foundation of the Independent Living Movement? Independent! Living! Movement! The language of it! -- that revolution of identity and possibilities for disabled people. The independent living movement. Oh, you may never have heard of it. It never made it onto prime time. Norman Mailer did not rush out to capture its essence in 30,000 words.
Yet it took root; it grew; it spread all across this country, all around the world -- because there is always an underground. Notes get passed among survivors. And the notes we're passing these days say: there's power in difference. Power. Pass the word.
So what's this disability culture stuff all about? It's simple; it's just "This is disability. From the inside out."
Culture. Pass the word. Now maybe the word is the moan and wail of a blues. Maybe it's the fierce rhythms and clicking heels and castanets of flamenco. Maybe it's outsider art. Passing the word. Maybe the word is authentic movement, that dance that flows from the real body notes of cripples. Maybe it's the way pieces of cloth are stitched together to commemorate a life, to remember a name. Maybe it's American Sign Language, a language that formed the foundation of a cultural identity for a people, Deaf people, and bloomed into ASL performance art and ASL mime.
Culture. Sometimes it happens over coffee or on a picket line. A poem gets said and passed along. And passed back. Amended. Embellished. And passed along again. Language gets claimed. Ms. Gay. Crip. Guerrilla theater becomes theater with a soul. Teatro Campesino. The Dance Theater of Harlem. And, of course, WRY CRIPS Disabled Women's Theater. Radical. True. Passing the word.
Culture. Maybe so far you've been deprived. Maybe right now the primary image you have of disability is that of victim. Perhaps all you know of us is Jerry's Kids, those doom-drenched poster children hauled out once each year to wring your charitable pockets dry.
But I promise you: you will also come to know us as Jerry's Orphans. No longer the grateful recipients of tear-filled handouts, we are more and more proud freedom fighters, taking to the streets, picket signs strapped to our chairs.
No longer the polite tin-cuppers, waiting for your generous inclusion, we are more and more proud freedom fighters, taking to the stages, raising our speech-impaired voices in celebration of who we are. No longer the invisible people with no definition beyond "Other," we are more and more proud, we are freedom fighters, taking to the streets and to the stages, raising our gnarly fists in defiance of the narrow, bloodless images of our complex humanity shoved down the American consciousness daily.
And these changes, they will happen, just as the Independent Living Movement happened, just as the Rehabilitation Act's 504 regulations for access happened; just as the Americans with Disabilities Act -- the most comprehensive civil rights law ever written -- happened.
Because there is always an underground. Notes will be passed among survivors. And the notes we're passing these days say, "There's power in difference. Power. Pass the word."
Disability culture. What is it really all about?
It's this.
And this.
And this.
Yeah, this --
COMING AT YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
September/October 1992
-----
Video version: (used pdf version as base for line breaks etc)
Host: Her name is Cheryl Marie Wade, and I think she is the number one disability poet in the nation. And--
(applause)
Host: Cheryl has the horrible task today of trying to define disability culture. We who are involved in the disability culture, we know in a very vague sort of ambiguous floaty kind of butterfly way what that means, but we have trouble putting it into words to try to prove to other people that it really exists? So Cheryl has been spending the last several weeks trying to do that, so that she could come up here and sound like an anthropologist.
(laughter)
Host: So I introduce you now, our keynote speaker Cheryl Marie Wade.
(applause)
CMW: (sigh) Okay.
(baby's cry)
CMW: Alright, let's hear it!
(laughter)
CMW: I'm sure that was just encouragement. Okay. Disability Culture. Say what? But aren't disabled people just isolated victims of nature or circumstance?
(baby continues)
CMW: Yes and no. It is true, we are far too often isolated. Locked away in the pits, closets and institutions of enlightened societies everywhere. But more and more, there is a growing consciousness among us: "that is not acceptable." Because there is always an underground. And notes get passed among survivors. And the notes we're passing these days say, "there's power in difference. Power. Pass the word."
Culture. It's about passing the word. And disability culture is passing the word that there's a new identity, new definition to disability and it includes power.
Culture. New definitions, new inflections. No longer just "poor cripple." Now also "CRIPPLE" and, yeah, most of the time just "cripple." A body happening. But on a real good day, why not a body, hap-pen-ing. (Dig it or not.)
(laughter)
CMW: Culture. It's finding a history, naming and claiming ancestors, heroes. As "invisibles," our history is hidden, locked away, buried. Our ancestors, our heroes buried in the pages, unrecognized, unnamed. Disability culture is recognizing, is naming.
Naming and claiming our ancestors, our heroes. Like Helen Keller. Now, not the miracle-worker version we're all so familiar with, not her. But the social activist, the reformer, the woman who tried so desperately to use her celebrity to tell the truth of disability; that it has far more to do with poverty and oppression and the restriction of choices than it has to do with wilted muscles or milky eyes. And for her efforts to tell this truth, she was demeaned, she was ridiculed publicly. And because Helen sur-- Helen Keller was a survivor, and that is of course the first thing any culture needs -- survivors who live long enough so that some portion of the truth makes it to the next generation.
And because Helen Keller was a survivor, she pulled back from telling that fuller truth; because that's often what survivors have to do; they have to swallow the rage, and wear the mask, and, yes, pull back from telling it exactly like it is.
(baby resumes)
CMW: So that there might be a next generation. And so, Helen Keller was a survivor, and she is our ancestor, our hero. And we honor her.
Naming and claiming our ancestors, our hidden history, our ancestors that are hidden. Like the thousands of mental and physical "defectives," who singled out for "special treatment" by the Nazis. Yes, disability culture is recognizing that we, we were the first victims of the Holocaust. We are the people that the Nazis refined their methods of torture on. We must honor these unnamed victims as our ancestors, we must raise their unmarked graves into our consciousness, into the consciousness of America so it can never happen again. And just as Native Americans insist the true name of discovery is genocide, so more and more of us insist the true name of "a right to die with dignity," without opportunity to live with dignity, is murder, the first syllable of genocide.
Naming and claiming our ancestors, our heroes. Like all those circus and carnival freaks, the first disability performance artists. Yes. Those rowdy outcasts who emphasized the Otherness, and made work, made a career, gave themselves a life. Now maybe it was a harsh life, maybe even a brutal life sometimes, but it was a life! Not locked away in the institutions designed for the excessively different that have always been such a prominent part of the American economy. So yes they are our ancestors, our heroes, and we honor them.
Naming and claiming our heroes, our ancestors. Now most of you are familiar with the story of James Meredith, a great African American freedom fighter, who helped to break the color barrier, the racial barrier to higher education by insisting, insisting he had a right to an education.
And without that insistence, the doors to Ole Miss would have remained closed. But how many of you know the story of Ed Roberts, cripple freedom fighter, disabled man, who, armed with self-esteem, and a portable respirator, helped to break the disability barriers to higher learning by insisting, insisting that he had a right to an education, by insisting that the doors to the University of California at Berkeley be opened? And by doing that, he helped to lay a significant brick onto the foundation of the Independent Living Movement. The Independent Living Movement. The language of that! Independent! Living! Movement! My god, what a revolution of identities and possibilities for us. Now, you may not have heard of the independent living movement, because it never made it into prime time. Norman Mailer did not rush out to capture its essence in 30,000 words or less.
(laughter)
CMW: But it took root, and it grew, and it spread across this country, and it has spread around the world -- because there is always an underground. And notes get passed among survivors. And the notes we're passing these days, they say: there's power in difference. Power. Pass the word.
Disability culture. What is it about? It's simple; it's just "Here's disability. From the inside out."
Culture. Passing the word. Now maybe the word is the moan and wail of a blues. Or maybe it's the fierce rhythms and clicking heels and castanets of flamenco. Maybe it's outsider art. Passing the word. Now maybe the word is authentic movement, that dance that flows from the real body notes of cripples. Or maybe it's the way pieces of cloth are stitched together to commemorate a life, to remember a name. Or maybe it's American Sign Language, a language that laid the foundation of a cultural identity for a people, Deaf people, that has bloomed into performance art, ASL mime, theater of the Deaf.
Culture. Sometimes it happens over coffee or on a picket line. A poem gets said and passed along. And passed back. Amended. Embellished. And then it's passed along again. Language gets claimed. Ms. Gay. Crip. Guerrilla theater becomes theater with a soul. Teatro Campesino. The Dance Theater of Harlem. And, of course, WRY CRIPS Disabled Women's Theater Group. Radical. True. Passing the word.
Now maybe you've been deprived so far. Maybe your only image, your only identity of disability is that of victim. Perhaps all you know of us is Jerry's Kids, those doom-drenched poster children hauled out once a year to wring your charitable pockets dry.
But I promise you: you will also come to know us as Jerry's Orphans. No longer the grateful recipients of tear-filled handouts, more and more we are proud freedom fighters, taking to the streets, picket signs strapped to our wheelchairs.
No longer are we grateful polite tin-cuppers, waiting for generous inclusion, more and more we are proud freedom fighters, taking to the stages, raising our speech-impaired voices in celebration of who we are. No longer the invisible people with no definition beyond "Other," more and more we are proud, we are freedom fighters, taking to the streets and taking to the stages, raising gnarly fists in defiance of the narrow, bloodless images of disability, of our complex humanity shoved down the American consciousness daily.
And these changes, these changes will happen, just as the Independent Living Movement happened, just as the Rehabilitation 504 regulations happened; just as at long last the Americans with Disabilities Act happened.
And just as now, the Corporation on dele-- on Telecommunications and Disability, however you pronounce it. (laughter) CDT NoCal, let's put it that way. It's less of a mouthful. We're happening.
And why?
Because there is always, always an underground. And notes will be passed among survivors. And the notes we are passing these days, they do say, "There is power in difference. Power. Pass the word."
Disability culture. What is it really about?
It's just this.
This!
COMING AT YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
We invite you to open, and to listen. Because if you do, no explanation of who we are and what our culture is will be necessary. We invite you to open, and to listen. Because if you do, I can assure you, no explanation of who we are and what our culture is will be adequate. And I would like to remind you that what you will see and hear in this short program is just a tiny taste of who w are and what we have to offer.
Because we here at CDT NoCal are just one small cultural group, and our focus is the arts of media. What we're trying to do here is just bring you a few more hopefully vibrant colors for your disability palette. And we hope that when you have those colors, you'll fill in those black and white stereotypes with all kinds of nuances and shadings. You see it'll give the picture some depth, some life. And we think that'll be good for all of us.
So all of us here at CDT Northern California chapter invite you today to open, to listen, and most especially enjoy. Thank you.
(applause)
"Disability Culture Rap" By Cheryl Marie Wade, The Disability Rag. September/October, 1992
Unfortunately, I could only find this as a PDF of a photocopy of an independent, radical leftist periodical (linked above). Which is, sadly, not very accessible.
But I'd still like to share it with younger Disabled folk, who are too young to remember when the very idea of Disability Culture seemed like an outrageous impossibility.
Let's talk about it.
#reblog#long post#ask to tag#it took me a while to get around to this I would've liked to do it sooner
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lmao got a message from my primary care clinic like "hey we're doing research about cptsd here's a survey" although both that one and the medical gaslighting one that op sent me a couple weeks ago are both marked as no longer receiving responses, so good news they got all their data without me triggering myself
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hung out with amy in raft for a couple hours, apparently I didn't even tell her about the mom not feeding me thing so I guess I literally only told my brother and he was dismissive so I never told anyone else. she also apologized at the end for snapping at me like an hour before, which was thoughtful.
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the other day he was telling me it makes him sad that she's going through this major medical procedure and we can't be there for her and like. I get that? and I just kind of made sympathetic noises about it in the moment. but I'm not sad that it's not my job. I've been taking care of her the majority of the time for the past 10 years barring literal physical inability, and I'm very happy to let someone else step in for a couple weeks tbh. (plus she never actually said she wanted us there, just that she might need us for paperwork reasons, and if it was important to her to have us there she could've weighted location higher.)
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dream about staying at a hotel with both of them and for some reason she and I were going to sleep in the parking lot and then random people started showing up and starting trouble and it got very silly from there. I wanted to go back and sleep in the hotel room but she wanted to keep being silly and exploring.
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dream about shuttling people back to safety from a sinking ferry. another one about someone doing baseball stuff and inviting me and I went but left without saying anything so I felt bad and went back because they'd been so welcoming before but they were just irritated with me instead so I felt dumb and left again.
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I think it didn't register until now because there was other shit to deal with, but I think I'm kinda freaked out by the threat of mom being in town with nothing much to do for months. I think I'm feeling similarly to when the shittiest ex revealed he'd been cyber-stalking me. there won't be the plausible deniability of distance to politely dodge her very one-sided attempts to be fucking besties or whatever.
there hasn't been anything there for me for a very long time. there was a period of relative peace, eventually, which she took a sledgehammer to two years ago, but I can't remember the last time I had a fond thought about her even before that. it's like when radar and I were friends in school, it's not like we were having fun hanging out with each other, but at least it was an ally. that's how I felt about her right before she pulled her bullshit a couple years ago, and that's the best it ever got now 13 years out of her house.
up until early this year she was still paying my phone bill because we'd been so unstable, I'd gotten most of my stuff out of her house when I moved in with arin 9 years ago but there was still some left behind that I swung through for last year, and a few odds and ends she sort of invented to add back in. she's still co-signer on the credit card I had finally paid off earlier this year, which now has vet bills on it, but arin should be able to re-clear it with her next paycheck and then it can be closed out at any time.
I don't want to be the aggressor, I am not going to go starting shit, but I am finally no longer in a financial position where I have to dance if she starts shit for a third time. and as a pattern-recognizing animal I'm pretty sure she'll start shit again.
#ask to tag#spent some time skimming back through posts and it's like.#man idk if I can even say I felt *that* not-negatively about her based on what I was saying at the time.#and also wow holy shit the 5 Years Of Suffering was just. real bad. in general. I was incredibly fucking sick first of all#like don't get me wrong I am still Sick with a capital S!#but I physically could not tolerate doing basically anything.#now at least I can do my little puttering for a couple hours as long as I stay home.
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we finished strange horticulture, we had a bit of trouble with the map and we did misidentify one plant (the plant's leaves had three lobes but the diagram had five) but overall it was fun. matt was really into it especially. they have a sequel in the works called strange antiques that looks like it gets a lot more in depth about what can be observed about the items, which is nice because it did bother me a bit about how like an entry would specify the smell of the plant but a plant wouldn't have any notes about its smell, for example. it felt a little oversimplified in that way, although I assume that's more accessible to people who haven't done irl scientific plant id. also many of our plants kept getting moved around on the shelves, not just the wandering bue, which I'm not sure if it was a bug or what but it was irritating cuz we had them alphabetized.
also loddlenaut and rhythm sprout were both on a good sale so I went ahead and got them now even though I'm in the middle of several other games.
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man, time and again I hear about other people's custody situations and it's like holy shit did my dad get fucked over. "I only got to see her on weekends and over the summer because dad had custody" like wow every word of that sentence might as well be a completely different language
#mom's clearly starting to rattle apart as her husband continues to go through cancer treatment again#so I am. bracing myself.#especially since they should be coming here for further treatment just in time for my birthday 🙃#but. the credit card should be re-squared in a couple weeks and my phone bill is off her hands#and she says she'll be bringing the last trunkload of my stuff with her#and I've already talked to my brother and he feels safe#so if she fuckin tries me for a third september in a row I don't have to dance with her this time.
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dream about low risk superhero stuff and I got coins for the capsule machine as a reward. but then at dinner there was a bunch of stress about cleaning up after ourselves?
before that was a sea exploration dream, I stayed back to watch for them as they snuck out to go down.
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dream about hanging out on a beach I knew well enough in the middle of the night with someone. interrupted by a group of guys who were acting strange, after a bit it became clear one of them desperately needed medical attention. I sprinted to get it for them from the school, then went back to sleep and woke back up with the intention of checking on them.
before that was a christmas dream.
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