#essential viewing changed my life no exaggeration

[ourlittlesister2015]

Vaga Carne (2019), dir. Grace Passô and Ricardo Alves Jr.

[benmehlos]

Valedictus

Next Town Over was supposed to take five years. It took thirteen and change, and it is not an exaggeration to say when I started it I was, figuratively and literally, a different person. 

When I wrote Next Town Over I worked part time in a print shop and part time at a small game developer in what was essentially an intern level copywriting role. I was nearing 30; a perfect storm of residual 20s naivete about paying for the future and a third-life crisis about the fact that I was incredibly dissatisfied with where I was at. I didn’t intend to do Next Town Over as a webcomic; I intended it for an independent press because at the time my ideas around the legitimacy of art hinged [incorrectly] on compensation and traditional publication. I drew the first 10ish pages as part of a pitch to shop around to probably five differently small publishers, and had one taker: a brand new small press that wanted to publish it online, own 50% of it, and give me a page rate of $100/page. (A sidebar for context and transparency: these days I work quite a bit with creator-owned small publishers and in the year of our Lord 2024 I’m lucky to command $100/page; NTO less its supplementals would have paid me $41,000+ in page rates before any royalties or sales, and while $41k is a pittance it’s also probably more than I’ve made off the comic in 13 years.) But I was incredibly naive and ridiculously optimistic about its appeal and my ability to find it an audience – and in my partial defense the creative economy was in a drastically different place than it is today – and I decided that if this publisher could make enough in ad revenue, etc., publishing it as a webcomic, I could surely do it myself while retaining full ownership.

Neither of my then-jobs paid very much but at the time I lived with the person I’d marry a year later, whose job was good money and moreover good insurance.  In the shelter of that headspace I asked that then-partner what he thought of me quitting the print job to focus on cranking out Next Town Over, as a webcomic, since we were sufficiently set financially to take the risk and anyway look at all the money creatives are making off Google AdSense (put a pin in that).

He agreed to this; I slapped together a Wordpress-with-Comicpress website and scheduled those first 10 pages to drop weekly. That seemed like a more-than-doable rate at which to buffer a bunch of pages (it was; NTO’s buffer was, for awhile, a now unimaginable 20 pages). This first website did indeed have AdSense advertising (and Project Wonderful ads; remember those?), and it did indeed appear encouragingly lucrative in the early months given its newness. The comic got a few enthusiastic write ups. Kris Straub shouted it out on Chainsawsuit. I became internet friends with a bunch of other creators of similarly-scoped comics (almost none of which ultimately survived). I quit my other job, at the game studio, which didn’t seem to be going anywhere anyway.  (In the glow of this era I like to think fear I helped inspire friends to attempt their own longform comic projects in web form.)

I no longer remember or particularly care how many months into this enterprise Google killed my AdSense account for “invalid click activity”, a ruling I unsuccessfully attempted to appeal about 4 times over the years – a ruling which eventually affected almost every single creator of those similarly-scoped comics. This not only killed most of the revenue on NTO but also locked me out of earning money via Google in perpetuity; I’d go on to have YouTube videos with 750k views I could never monetize, etc.. Project Wonderful earned, but not like AdSense. Patreon was two years away. Next Town Over was now making me basically nothing.  I’d quit my Jobs for Adults because I felt called to make art and it was going about how they warn you it will, and in the absence of any kind of financial validation I was honestly feeling pretty bad about it. Full time comics was supposed to have solved the aimlessness and ennui I’d felt my whole life and it had decisively not. 

In 2011 I had a near-fatal health crisis I’ll decline to get into, but mention because the existential scare forced me to reexamine once again what I was doing, what I wanted to do, what was important to me. The answer to all of these seemed to just be “I don’t know”; I had never had a plan for or even a vision of what my future could look like. But at 30 I felt like doors were closing, and doing something was better than doing nothing. So in rapid succession I asked my partner to marry me, we had a child, and I ran a Kickstarter to collect the first four books of Next Town Over into a print edition.

With a new child it just made sense for me to continue staying home and taking care of him and the house with my ultimately flexible independent artist schedule and relatively terrible earning potential – terrible earning potential that would ultimately compound itself over a decade out of the traditional work force. 

Having a family and focusing on being a stay-at-home parent didn’t fix the ennui, the sense of estrangement from my own life. It made it worse. I assumed because I wasn’t contributing to our household financially in any kind of significant way, an item of increasing friction and resentment in my marriage. I was taking freelance work here and there, but never consistently enough to replace a real job, and of course I kept puttering away at drawing Next Town Over. 

In 2013 Patreon launched, a new paradigm in supporting creators. I was incredibly hopeful I could make enough on this new platform to meaningfully supplement our earnings and, in my thinking, thereby feel validated in what I was doing with my life. At the beginning I shared a lot of sketch and conceptual materials from NTO, a lot of worldbuilding extras and a few process videos. NTO stalwarts were quick to support me on Patreon – many of whom are still supporting me an unthinkable 10 years later, a fact I’m constantly aware of/grateful for – but my monthly support never went gangbusters in the manner promised by the early optimism of the platform (to this day my Patreon is an amount that’s been immensely helpful and allowed me to purchase, among other things, the iPad Pro that transformed my art workflow – I’ll talk about this in a Patron-exclusive, process-focused postmortem that’s yet to come – but I generally make more off a single commission or item of work for hire than I do in a month’s worth of Patreon pledges.)

I continued like this for years, mostly focused on my kid but sidelining comics and occasional work for hire. I thought for awhile maybe independent publishing was my thing, and in addition to a second crowdfunded Next Town Over collection, I curated, edited, and did two stories for a frontier fantasy anthology with some of my friends: Poor Wayfaring Strangers. It funded successfully and my friends’ contributions to it are lovely so I don’t regret making it for an instant, but it proved remarkably sales proof post-Kickstarter. 

From about 2015 onwards I was convinced the great misstep in my life was leaving the little intern level job at the game developer, because my prime hobby and favorite storytelling medium was perennially videogames, not comics, and I really was drawn to making those. I started doing more and more hobbyist game development, mostly with a partner. We did a few game jams, embarked on several too-big projects that were never completed. I became about 70% of a 2D technical artist, and started thinking maybe that was my real calling, the thing I’d neglected all this time. I started thinking when NTO wrapped, and my kid was older, that would be what I’d try to focus on before I was dead. 

In fall of 2018 I started feeling minor numbness in my fingers, which progressed pretty quickly to worse numbness, radiating up my arms and into my neck and head, eventually becoming tingling and then worsening pain. Working in a desk chair became nearly unbearable and NTO started experiencing the first chronic disruptions to its previously clockwork update schedule in almost 8 years of drawing and posting it. We spent thousands on neurologists and rheumatologists, physical therapists and acupuncturists. I had autoimmune disease symptoms including abnormal bloodwork but I was never formally diagnosed with anything. A sports medicine provider told me I had thoracic outlet syndrome and I muddled through the suggested courses of PT but saw very little improvement. My chronic low grade depression worsened tremendously; I felt like shit and moreover I felt crazy without any concrete diagnosis. I didn’t want to move and not moving made it worse. 

I made a bunch of adjustments to how I work, including overhauling my desk geometry and starting to do art more seriously on an iPad Pro (thanks Patrons!), which allowed for more flexibility in work configurations. Over a period of about 2 years the symptoms lessened and I also just got used to a baseline level of low grade neck and back pain; anyone with chronic pain can probably attest that at some point you just sort of acclimate to some background level of it and soldier on but it’s always there like a rock in your shoe, making you irritable, making you exhausted. I’d always felt like that though: irritable, exhausted, an indefinable rock in my shoe. In a way this was nothing new. It was more of the same.  

Heading into the dread 2020 I wasn’t in the best place but I was fairly comfortable, had just started a solo Unity game, was looking forward to Next Town Over’s homestretch so I could focus on my true calling. I resumed working on Patron-only comic Cutter and Ironwood, and started thinking about returning to trying to stream. I was doing more lucrative freelance work. 

But you know what 2020 was like.  

My kid and my spouse came home from school and work. My kid’s schooling was virtual for a year and change. I was banished from the office where my work/dev/streaming setup was as my spouse [needfully] took it over to work from home. Approaching its 10th anniversary, Next Town Over, which I expected to be concluding, was so decisively backburnered the usually 52-updates-a-year comic updated 21 times in 2020. Then 11 times in 2021.  As the comic slid, so did my mood. I had been almost 30 when I quit my day jobs to do NTO. Now I was almost 40. I had an 8 year old. And nothing I’d done in the intervening decade had moved the needle on my creeping discontent. If anything it was worse. 

And after the years of cloistered introspection COVID forced on everyone, at the beginning of 2022 it went critical. 

This could be its own 2500 word memoir, but the cliff notes version is at the start of 2022 I was forced to confront, agonizingly, over the course of a couple traumatic life events, some therapy, and writing the first draft of Every Hole, that The Problem With Me was that I was a trans man. It is now practically a cliché to have understood yourself as trans because of the pandemic, but annoyingly it was the Cinderella slipper that slid with irrefutable ease over the shape of my lifetime of depression and alienation. 

The good news is pretty much the moment I stopped pruning off any new growth to fit in the comfortable, unchallenging container of my previous existence, things started to turn around for me mentally. Over the course of 3 months I wrote the 115,000 word rough draft for Every Hole – a comic (a comic I’ll be eternally grateful to for its role in the Figuring Out) after years of certainty I was done with comics the second I put down Next Town Over. Unbottling my identity simultaneously uncorked my energy reservoirs for making shit – and also my functionally unexplored sexuality, and by July I’d successfully pitched an erotica short to Filthy Figments, to start running that October. Throughout 2022 I transitioned my ass off along with working on Every Hole, on Positive Feedback, on freelance art, and yes: on Next Town Over. It didn’t hit 52 updates that year but it did hit 24, the most I’d managed in years, and alongside over 60 pages of comics work elsewhere.  60 is also roughly how many pounds I lost in the process of becoming Ben; I’m now over 40 but I am also in generally the best shape I’ve been in since my 20s. This has had the knock-on effect of diminishing the still-there neck and back pain to a whisper I can almost always ignore – still more fuel for the accelerating engine of my want to make art again. 

But it did cost me my partner.

In many ways my marriage ran perfectly parallel to Next Town Over. In a tidy bookend to marrying the year after starting NTO – a comic at its core about a dysfunctional marriage – I’m divorcing in the year following finishing it. My marriage was built on a fault line, its dissolution an inevitability, but it has been slow-motion, and largely amicable. 

My future feels precarious in a way I’m not sure it ever has. But I have to admit the precarity is exciting, and unlike the first half of my life where I just sort of drifted on the current and couldn’t picture any kind of future, I can now envision not one but any number of futures for myself. I have been, and am, both Vane, riding off into the wilderness to find and forget, and John, tirelessly chasing his passion at any cost. 

When I started Next Town Over I was an aimless, childless single straight girl who could ride a horse. 13 years later I’m a middle-aged queer man and father with chronic pain and a 12 year marriage in my rearview. (I assume I can still ride a horse, but it’s been awhile.) Next Town Over was the backdrop to such an unbelievable amount of change in my life that when I think about the sum of the change that has inevitably happened in the combined lives of all of you, its readers, in that same span of time, it is nothing short of overwhelming. 

Thanks for reading, thanks for listening, for commenting, for buying the books or supporting the Patreon, for creating fan works, for retweeting updates or talking in the Discord when the Discord was active because we were all locked up hiding together from a global pandemic. Thanks for coming along. 

For many of us this will likely be where we part ways. My gratitude for those of you is undiminished; if you want a final fix of frontier fantasy and you aren’t a Patron, check out Cutter and Ironwood 0; I intended to do more with these characters and I haven’t ruled it out but it’s unlikely to happen any time soon as I am headed elsewhere, at least for awhile. Watch this space (wherever you’re reading this) if you want to know when I crowdfund a print edition of NTO #9-13, which will be the chunkiest NTO book by far.  

If you’d like to stay on, follow or subscribe to my Patreon if you aren’t already; I have just started Every Hole Book 2; Patrons of all levels get Book 1 for free or you can catch up standalone buying it off my itch.  If NTO was a comic about marriage, Every Hole is a comic about rekindling your power in midlife. I hope to not be working on it for 13 years but if I am I guess that’s fine, too. 

I hope you’re looking forward to or already living in one of any number of futures you envisioned for yourself. 

Happy trails.

Ben May 2024

[i-just-look-at-pictures]

I am irrationally emotional about this because whether I had 20 views or 20k views it really makes no difference to my love of their story but I just want to take a moment of disbelief and thank anyone who has ever taken the time to comment, leave kudos or even so much as read my fic.

This is really quite excessively open but I started writing TSLIHSALHUT (note to anyone who is considering writing a story - give it a simple name because it is a mouthful to type from hereon we will call it sleeps) when I was essentially on house arrest awaiting an operation for a health issue. I was depressed, lonely and really just existing. I reached a point where I didn't even want to exist because what was the point?

I had finished the last term of my master's and was being left behind by all my friends who were getting on with their lives and planning all these incredible things whilst I felt I was drowning. I was housebound, so desperately ill and had given up on my life ever becoming better. Whilst rewatching Peaky Blinders I found an old oneshot from years ago that prompted me to draft a chapter, one chapter. I will add that my degree was in creative writing but I had lost all confidence in my own voice and lost all longing to write, to do anything I had once remotely found enjoyable.

But I wrote it and afterwards I posted said chapter because I thought why the fuck not. It was a short seven-chapter fic that would 'look at Tommy's and Grace's life together.' Snippets, never did I intend their entire journey to be documented in this. What changed? You all.

I say without an ounce of exaggeration that writing this fic saved my life. Slowly, slowly, with each chapter, with each upload, with each kudos or comment, something reawoke. This wasn't just writing about my favourite characters anymore, this was a community that embraced both me and the small work of creativity that I brought to the table.

For such a violent show, I have never been a part of such a wonderful, empathic, tender, beautiful community. I had been surviving for such a long time that I had completely forgotten what it felt like to have a purpose, a drive, a hobby, SOMETHING that I was proud of and you have all been with me every single step of the way.

This is too emotional for a Wednesday night but Jesus Christ, I don't know how I would ever thank you all for giving me my voice back. It started as a whisper over the summer and your kindness and support have enabled me to carry that over to my everyday life.

It was a safety blanket to fall back on. It was something to get me out of bed before midday. It was innumerable posters reaching out to me after my dog was put to sleep. It was strangers on the internet checking in with me after my operation. It was support and companionship and it was recognition that, even though I felt I did not matter, you thought I did. You thought my work did.

So thank you. For every single person in you 20,062 (I mean that is just fucking ridiculous, have you read it... it's shit!). You could not save me when I was drowning, and you never even realised I had entered the water but you each contributed to the ladder that allowed me to climb to safety.

I got my operation, my health grew better, I finished my degree, I went back to work and life got better, but I sincerely do not think I would be sat here tonight in the position I am if it had not started with that first chapter of Sleeps.

Never underestimate the impact you have on strangers on the internet. Never underestimate the value of your worth. You save lives and change lives every single day and for that, I will love and appreciate you for the rest of my life.

So, emotional time over. Peace out. I have Spag Bol for tea and a chapter to edit.

Beth x

[tengritexas]

1. Magic and Machines typically dont mix well, technomancy is a section of witchcraft and paganism that is still being studied and worked on and this reflects when the whole "emoji spell" trend happened. AI has a place with magic (quantuam entanglement number generators) things like that. But older/trad forms of magic seem to struggle with machines the most.

2. I do not believe Pop Culture dieties are (usually) literally existant. There are examples in which writers write about dieties because they are revealed to them in a dream (lovecraftian paganism) I think those examples are far more interesting to learn about. Pop culture dieties beyond that are more so images ascribed with a meaning, kinda like Icons.

3. Fantasy depictions of witches in movies and books are super cool! But they are ficition and are an exaggeration of what is the reality

4. I will be honest, Im not familiar with "astral pregnency" I do believe in virgin births, and astral travel. Do I believe in astral pregnancy? No not really

5. witchcraft is a practice but its very hand and hand with most religions

6. Who?

7. I like the wiccan folk music :> wish there was more cozy pagan folk music like it. Tengrism is very similar with umay essentially being mother nature.

8. I do loosely follow these concepts and they are important to put them in a perspective that we can understand. Strangely, colors, plants, animals all have "associated genders" subconsciously. Funny thing is they often flip flop back and forth? Lavender is a mens soap but younger men associate it with women now. Pink used to be a mens color also. So it kinda is loose and changes over time

9. No lol especially if you are kinda trail blazing your own path. If you want to follow some set path you probably should talk to others who practice that specific path

10. ....who?

11. ..... thats it Ill google this one.

After: Racial purity stuff.... ok Im not into it, its pretty silly but you and your wife want specific typa kids it doesnt involve me

12. No, paganism does have a fair recent history of becoming politically charged but people are allowed to believe things. Better yet, Gods play a role in those same politics just like people do.

13. Probably possible but def a stupid idea

14. Tengrism is different at its core from other pagan beliefs. Soley due to things like Tengei being non personifiable.

15. Yes people can go so deep into religion it consumes them in an unhealthy way. But it usually works itself out.

16. Ok uh.... googling again

After: you wanna change your gender? Yknow its a beautiful world that lets you do that :> youre allowed. Not everyone will have the same view on it as you or me but thats what makes the world amazing. Everyone has a time and a place. (This applys to literally anything)

17. Do not harm what is naturally occuring (including cities that I do not take some social part in)

It is my moral obligation to defend

Myself

My family that Im in duty to (future wife or kids)

My city

My state

My country

In that Order!

Also shake hands with people once in awhile, stir things up.

18 uh organized like discord servers, organizations and covens yes. As a formal structured religion ehhhh no. Although falling in love during a temple service sounda adorable. But lets not start that for me 💀

19 sexual? Uh, no. Im sure there are subsects of paganism that allow it and thats their thing no worries. But I see that as seriously problematic. Ive heard if godspouces but I dont see it the same. Thats a bit different.

20. Yes, I look very deeply into everyone's life experience when I get that chance. For many people thats very special and private so I take that with honor. Even if they are not pagans

21. No thank goodness Ive never got into a blog battle 😂 I dm people for free though. I love talking to people and if someone catches my eye Im DEF talking. Im a yapper

22. Yes many practices are sacred and closed behind doors with specific rites or things you must do before hand. Some you are born into aswell, I will admit I dont understand them but Im also not apart of anyrhing like that so its not like I would anyways.

23. I think people use that to explain people adopting cultures. Adopting cultural practices in the home or in fashion is shockingly normal and peoole just dont know it. I do draw a line when it is a perversion of something. Like you adopted a culture and spit on the actualt people of the culture. Yeah then youre just a dickhead

24. Omen books, friends of similar practices, life experience, shamanic trances also

25. Do you practice witchcraft? Congrats! Youre a witch!

26. Not in the typical pagan sense. I dont do rituals very often.

27. Mhm :>

28. I die, and my thoughts, and my body return to the earth. The soul shatters and my essence (largest part of my soul) reincarnated as something else. (Please reincarnate me into married man next time thanks <3)

29. Im a Tengrist because its how I relate to the universe around me. My spiritual experiences are what give me insight to my life.

30. What is a scam? When people are in my ask box luke "hey I felt a connection to your ancestors uwu" yeah ok bubba everyone loves Sam Houston here, get in line

31. Me, my posts make me wanna scream. I literally died because I made a "lol feryja devotees mommy" joke. Im still embarrased about it

32. My hottest take is that not everyone has to agree with you, and you dont have to agree with everyone. People have life experiences that shape their feelings and thoughts about issues. Its ok if they dont like your ideas or my ideas. Yall can be friends, if yall cant? Eh fuck em

33. I move out of both, I want to move out of love because I wanna be romantic. But I move outta fear often recently to guard myself ;-;

witchcraft ask game

except it's actually real fucking specific and possibly shadow work in disguise idk

What are your opinions on AI in Witchcraft?

How do you feel about pop culture deities?

Opinions on fantasy depictions of witchcraft/paganism?

Thoughts on Astral pregnancy?

Do you think witchcraft is a religion or a practice? Why/why not?

What do you think of Aleister Crowley?

Opinions on Wicca?

What do you think of the divine feminine/masculine archetypes?

Do you think they're should be a set period before someone becomes a full-fledged witch?

What do you think of Gerald Gardner?

What are your thoughts on odinism?

Do you think witchcraft is inherently political?

Do you think you can hex/curse/jinx a deity? Do you think you should?

How different do you think your gods are from other religion's gods? What work have you done to deconstruct that?

Do you believe in spiritual psychosis?

How do you feel about TERF witches?

What is your moral code? How do you justify that?

Do you wish paganism were more organised?

Do you think it's okay to have a sexual relationship with a deity? What about romantic (i.e. godspousing)?

Do you research ex-pagans viewpoints with an open mind?

Have you ever been in argument/sent hate to another witchcraft blog? What was the story? Do you still think you were right?

Do you believe in closed practices?

Do you believe in cultural appropriation?

Outside of the online space, where do you get your resources from?

What makes someone a real witch?

Are you a real witch?

Are you confident in your beliefs?

What do you think happens when we die?

Why are you a witch? What need does it serve?

What do you think is a scam in witchcraft?

What post have you seen recently that makes you wanna scream?

What's your hottest take in the witchcraft space?

Do you move out of fear or love?

---

Please feel free to reblog, and send me an ask <3

[mccfilm]

Dear USA Today:

Let me present you FLUBBER:

I’m Michael Chang, and I proudly serve your local, national, and international news under your daily, weekly, and monthly news. I am a Christian believer, and I would not and will not express my viewpoints, not until and not unless I get full approval from your newsroom. I’m an ec2^3 user, and I customize my own service; I’m a social administrations and facilitations user, and I personalize my own service. Partial synchronization is my preferable correspondence method, and feel free to get back to me via BOTH e-mail AND social media. (10:04 PM EST, Sunday, August 11, 2024)

The 1997 Disney feature film “Flubber” directed by Les Mayfield starring Robin Williams in the role of Professor Philip Brainard is the exact brilliance and exhilarating effects that have all turned to the electric wiring of and beyond time. The opening scenery is the typical DAILY LIFE of a SCIENTIST and NOBODY ELSE: ROBOTIC PARTS AND SCRAPS ALL OVER THE FLOOR. Professor Philip Brainard has seen to a number of inventions thus far to his successful attempts of a prior history of experiments. The renown METAPHYSICS expert has all turned to MADNESS due to his repeated SCORNING from nearby LOCAL RESIDENTS. Due to his repeated SCORNING from nearby LOCAL RESIDENTS, his successful attempts of a prior history of experiments he has every intent of exposing. One fine day, he came across a lab test to his accidental discovery (GASP (SCREAM)). The lab test he put himself through has all turned to SLIME. The SLIME he has come to experiment has all been a SETUP FOR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES. His closest colleague, Dr. Sara Jean Reynolds, starring Marcia Gay Harden in the role of the supporting character, has all seen enough of his WORSENING MADNESS and has all called it QUITS. In light of his SETUP FOR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES, his lab test is indeed a GROUNDBREAKING effect; the name is Flubber.

Released in the days that succeeded and preceded Windows 95 and Windows 98, “Flubber” is of an enormous industrial filming full of entertainment bound to seek reconsideration in upcoming generations. Widely renown for its TOTAL ENCOURAGEMENT to BACKTRACK PREDECEASING LITERACY through each NEW TECHNOLOGY, the ENTERTAINMENT already speaks for ITSELF. The TOTAL ENCOURAGEMENT is where the SPECTACLE begins to show through. Professor Philip Brainard in his DAILY LIFE has all resolved to RELATIONSHIP REFLECTIONS. Each and every RELATIONSHIP OF THE PAST is the MINDSET OF A SCIENTIST. This kind of a frequent FEEDBACK has all turned to MIND READING that has turned out to be of an enormous FLAW. The EXAGGERATIONS of the FICTITIOUS SCIENTIST has come to expose that kind of FLAW. While it is true RELATIONSHIPS OF THE PAST is the MINDSET OF A SCIENTIST, PREDECEASING LITERACY does NOT resolve any of the BEHAVIORAL ISSUES of or related to MIND READING. The repeated BILL NYE THEATRICALIZATION has all turned to AMOEBA REINCARNATION. The BRAIN EATING DISEASE is almost the same as MIND READING, MIND READING is almost the same as an AMOEBA.

In the days that succeeded the 1997 Disney feature film, the family friendly legacy that has all lead pass the partially restricted 1997 feature film “Titanic” directed by James Cameron has all turned to franchise reconsideration. Indeed, the BACK VIEW to all of “Flubber” has all turned to the GREEN PARTY. The vaguely spoken ENVIRONMENTALISM has all come to ADVOCATE AND ACTIVATE DAILY NUTRIENT FUTURE TIMESPANS. Each and every DAILY NUTRIENT FUTURE TIMESPAN traces back to the GREEN PARTY, in which “Flubber” has turned out to be the EXACT melodrama. Dr. Sara Jean Reynolds has turned out to be the EXACT reason why the DAILY NUTRIENT FUTURE TIMESPAN are widely ESSENTIAL. The CONTRASTING CHARACTER she has turned out to be is indeed CONTRASTING to Professor Philip Brainard. The lab test has all proven to be ONE OF THE PREEMINENT THEATRICAL EFFECTS in the ETHNICITY AND SEXUALITY DISMISSAL. The ENVIRONMENTAL viewpoints frequently MISTAKEN for national status AND stature as well as gender salutations are meant to stay true to RESOURCES, NEITHER national status NOR stature NOR gender salutations. The vaguely spoken ENVIRONMENTALISM in modern AND postmodern standards is in need of CLARITY. Whether LESS-THAN-HALF OR MORE-THAN-HALF CARBON FIBERS, the RESOURCES are bound to see into UTILITY IN PLACE OF EDIBILITY.

The mechanical qualities of a robotic NOT humanity BUT transplant is bound to ELIMINATE the BIRTH DEFECTS of or related to PHYSIOLOGICAL deficiencies; the EXACT Disney feature film that gave rise to METAPHYSICS as an area of EXPERTISE, the ELIMINATION OF PHYSIOLOGICAL deficiencies as a BIRTH DEFECT is indeed PURE HUMOR in the role of Professor Philip Brainard. In REALISTIC reiteration, the SILICON VALLEY, SANTA CLARA, CA, USA is widely renown for its widely MODERNIZING standards AWAY from the FILMING LOCATION. SILICON VALLEY in its PREDECEASING TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY influences has all been of an enormous FANATICAL PREMIERE DESTINATION. The PREMIERE DESTINATION has all lead directly to TECHNOLOGY HAND SELECTION. The widely renown WINDOWS AND MACINTOSH SHOWROOM have come to LAYOUT their presentation of AVAILABILITIES. Each LAYOUT OF AVAILABILITIES have come to ESTABLISH the true MILLENNIAL influences bound to become MILLENNIUM directly from each SHOWROOM. To ESTABLISH true MILLENNIAL influences, each LAYOUT of TECHNOLOGY are bound to REESTABLISH each HAND SELECTION, NOT OVERSPENDING. Dr. Sara Jean Reynolds has all come to OBJECT to the INSISTENCE; EITHER SPEND each FUNDING SYSTEM on DAILY LIFE, OR COVER EACH BILLING SYSTEM, REGARDLESS OF TECHNOLOGY. REGARDLESS OF TECHNOLOGY, Dr. Sara Jean Reynolds has always ran her OWN TIGHT SHIP; whenever the NEXT BILLING SYSTEM has to be covered, COMMITMENTS have to be made. Professor Philip Brainard, on the other hand, would always be insisting WAIT TILL NEXT TIME, and then comes a pile of TAXES.

The widely sought out METAPHYSICS has all entered through INSTITUTIONAL NAMES ever since the days of “Flubber”. Ever since the days of “Flubber,” EVERY OTHER TECHNOLOGY INSTITUTE have all come to be conceived directly from the SILICON VALLEY, SANTA CLARA, CA, USA. EVERY OTHER TECHNOLOGY INSTITUTE have come to scatter FAR AND WIDE directly from the SILICON VALLEY, SANTA CLARA, CA, USA. In order to seek quality TECHNOLOGY EDUCATION, the sole DIRECTORY is that of the SILICON VALLEY, SANTA CLARA, CA, USA. The DIRECTORY is of a PRELIMINARY INDUSTRIAL AGE, where the PAPER FORMAT is all HANDHELD AND NOTHING BUT HANDHELD, NOT OVERSIZED. The PRELIMINARY INDUSTRIAL AGE in precession to the PRELIMINARY DIGITAL AGE has all seen to the EVOLVING PAPER REDUCTION, FROM HANDHELD TO DIMINUTIVE, FROM DIMINUTIVE TO SMALLER PACKAGES. The 1997 Disney feature film is indeed an OFFICE DESK WITHIN THE BOX OFFICE. The repeated DEFYING NEWTON’S LAW is a bit like saying GRAVITY gone RECIPROCATE. Professor Philip Brainard has all set himself a LIMIT: if GRAVITY gone WRONG were to accidentally REMAIN RIGHTSIDE-UP, DEFYING NEWTON’S LAW may have to get RESTORED, but NOT RIGHTSIDE-UP AT ALL TIMES. The PRELIMINARY DIGITAL AGE is indeed PORTABLE ACCESS in full determination of PHYSICAL FORMAT, NOT PHYSICAL FORMAT in determination of PORTABLE ACCESS.

Highly disputed for its OPPOSITION to the ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD, “Flubber” is renown for its variety of SLAPSTICK HUMOR known for its DIRECT INFLUENCE amongst SUCCESSIVE THEATRICAL ARTS. Professor Philip Brainard has come to expose his ACTUAL MADNESS, NOT THE BEST IMPRESSION, though he sees it within him: the FOOTBALL FIELD. The applied TOXIC CREAM on the bottom of a pair of SNEAKERS has all turned to HIGH FLY that would NOT even amount to a HIGH FIVE. The SLAPSTICK ORIGINS that had all begun with some ordinary BODY CREAM is NO BODY CREAM. The ADHESIVES applied to the bottom of the SNEAKERS have all turned to TOXIC indeed. The ELECTROMAGNETIC is NO FOOTBALL, the FOOTBALL is NO ELECTROMAGNETIC. The STINKY FEET disfigured mode BROUGHT ALIVE is indeed STINKY FEET. Those who CANNOT RESIST the STRESS INDUCTIVE ELECTRIC WIRING OR BRUTAL SPORT may resolve to a bit of GRUBS AND CHUBS. The ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD of an EQUIVALENT LENGTH to that of the FOOTBALL FIELD thoroughly determine PHYSICAL FLEXIBILITY. The GRUBS AND CHUBS of an EARLY DEVELOPMENT may have sought RECONSIDERATION.

The EXACT MODERN example that lead directly to the REINCARNATE FORM that was once DR. JEKEL AND MR. HYDE, “Flubber” is known for its PLAYFUL qualities full of WHIMSICALNESS. Professor Philip Brainard is a little UNFORTUNATE to know he has a NUMBER OF ARCHENEMIES (UH OH!). The MOTIF that lies behind FLUBBER is that of NUMERIC SUBSTITUTION OF NEWTON’S LAW. The more the SUBSTITUTE, the more MACHINERY IMPARTIAL MORE-THAN-HALF SEPARATION OF HUMANITY. Each and every MACHINERY IMPARTIAL MORE-THAN-HALF SEPARATION OF HUMANITY is bound to seek ONE-PERSON ACCESS. Each ONE-PERSON ACCESS is a LOGIN AND LOGOUT simultaneity. Each LOGIN AND LOGOUT simultaneity is of a MACHINERY IMPARTIAL MORE-THAN-HALF SEPARATION OF HUMANITY, MACHINERY IMPARTIAL MORE-THAN-HALF SEPARATION OF HUMANITY is indeed LOGIN AND LOGOUT simultaneity. It is EXACTLY that kind of REALITY BASED EXPERIENCE brought ALIVE. The more the REALITY BASED EXPERIENCE brought ALIVE, the more LOGIN AND LOGOUT simultaneity. Each and every MACHINERY IMPARTIAL MORE-THAN-HALF SEPARATION OF HUMANITY have to stay true to the HUMANITARIAN; the ARCHENEMIES who have reached Professor Philip Brainard have all set him up for PUBLIC DOMAIN to REVERSE his PRIVATE MODE on him ALONE.

In a repeated DISFIGURATION to the entertainment of “Flubber,” the CULTURAL aspects are that of METAPHYSICAL SUCCESSIVE influences to the SCIENTIFIC SECESSION AND PRECESSION. A frequent BIENNIAL RECONSIDERATION of the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO), the BIENNIAL RECONSIDERATION is indeed THEATRICAL INDUSTRIAL AT ITS BEST. The widely remarked INDUSTRY CIVILITY has all been a SETUP FOR THE ART OF THE FENTANYL. Each SETUP tracing back to INDUSTRY CIVILITY is indeed CIVILIZATION OF THE INTELLIGENCE. The REMNANT of the 1982 family friendly alienist feature film is indeed RECOLLECTIVE. The CIVILIZATION OF THE INTELLIGENCE begins with METAPHYSICS AND NOTHING BUT METAPHYSICS, realistically speaking. Realistically speaking, “Flubber” is indeed BIENNIAL RECONSIDERATION of the UNESCO. Each and every INDUSTRIAL influence of and BEYOND time have to FLEX THEMSELVES in order to PAVE the way to NEW INVENTIONS. In order to PAVE the way to NEW INVENTIONS, INDUSTRY CIVILITY is to THE ART OF THE FENTANYL, THE ART OF THE FENTANYL is to the INDUSTRY CIVILITY; Dr. Sara Jean Reynolds would NOT APPROVE. The BIENNIAL RECONSIDERATION of the UNESCO is meant to ensure QUALITY UNISEX of and BEYOND time.

Widely STEREOTYPED for its MASCULINE qualities, “Flubber” is a frequent GET-GO in the days that succeeded the 1997 Disney feature film, in which the LIVE ACTION-PACK has all turned to ADVENTUROUSNESS in the INDUSTRIAL WORLD. In light of the INDISPUTABLE ANNUAL SCHOOL YEAR AND FOUR-YEAR COMPULSORY OR COMPREHENSIVE EDUCATION, each BIENNIAL OR TRIENNIAL ROTATIONAL SUCCESSIVE TIMESPAN are what create the finest COEDUCATION OR UNISEXUAL ROOM AND BOARD. The more the COEDUCATION, the more the BIENNIAL. The more the UNISEXUAL ROOM AND BOARD, the more the TRIENNIAL. The BIENNIAL TRIENNIAL ROTATION AND ROTATIONAL COEDUCATION UNISEXUAL ROOM AND BOARD is bound to RESTORE each ANNUAL SCHOOL YEAR AND FOUR-YEAR COMPULSORY OR COMPREHENSIVE EDUCATION. To RESTORE each ANNUAL SCHOOL YEAR AND FOUR-YEAR COMPULSORY OR COMPREHENSIVE EDUCATION, the BIENNIAL TRIENNIAL ROTATION AND ROTATIONAL COEDUCATION UNISEXUAL ROOM AND BOARD are bound to stay SUCCESSIVE AT ALL TIMES. The likely LGBT miniature are bound to blend in with the CONVENTIONS of the SUCCESSIVE ROTATIONAL TIMESPAN. To blend in with the CONVENTIONS of the SUCCESSIVE ROTATIONAL TIMESPAN, the choice phrases “AT ALL TIMES” and “NOT AT ALL TIMES” could be seen as some INNUENDO extracted from the 1997 Disney feature film. The TIMELY UNISEX should NOT be taken as some kind of CLOCKWISE AND COUNTER-CLOCKWISE simultaneity BUT RESPECT TO DISSYMMETRICAL RIGHTS (none of the excuses). When OPPOSITE SEX CIVILIANS turn their BACKS on each other, SEXUAL DETRACTION begins to set in; Dr. Sara Jean Reynolds has had ENOUGH of the INTELLECT of Professor Philip Brainard, NOT PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

The 1997 Disney feature film in its DR. JEKEL AND MR. HYDE REINCARNATION is indeed REINCARNATE; the so called DR. CLAW is widely recollective in the days that SUCCEEDED all of DR. JEKEL AND MR. HYDE. The more the DISFIGURATION to the 1997 Disney feature film, the more the ART OF THE FENTANYL. In the ART OF THE FENTANYL, RIVALING IDEOLOGIES of a RIVALING NATURE are INEVITABLY revived from the PAST. Each and every TECH SAVVINESS are entitled to their OWN VIEWPOINTS. While CONTRASTING NATURE belong to CONTRASTING QUALITIES vaguely speaking, RIVALING IDEOLOGIES of a RIVALING NATURE belong to TECH SAVVINESS, vaguely speaking. Ability to master SCREENING has all turned to INNUENDO as to the 1997 Disney feature film. It is indeed the DAILY LIFE of the SCIENTIST. The REALITY BASED INFLUENCE is indeed MACHINERY IMPARTIAL MORE-THAN-HALF SEPARATION OF HUMANITY. It is because of that that “FLUBBER” OPPONENTS are entitled to their SYMMETRICAL RIGHTS to seek each MACHINERY COMPLETE SEPARATION OF HUMANITY. “FLUBBER” OPPONENTS are entitled to see into their ANALOGUE of the PAST, NOT TIME PORTAL.

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Week 8: The augmented reality of filters

#MDA20009

Last week, we discussed the usage of body modification, and one of the things that were briefly touched upon was digital filters. In this week's blog post, I'll be expanding on that, and talk about filters in detail, as well as their relationship with augmented reality.

Reality, but... Different

Augmented Reality as a concept has existed since the 1960s. The first ever recorded instance of this technology emerged in 1968, when "the father of computer graphics", Harvard computer scientist Ivan Sutherland, developed an AR head-mounted display system (Javornik 2016).

Since then, scientists and developers alike have been trying to create an augmented reality system that could be used for practical purposes in everyday life. The first step towards this goal came in 2008, when German marketing agencies designed a printed magazine ad for a model of a BMW Mini. When held in front of a digital camera, a 3d model of the car would appear on the screen (Thi 2022).

The early 2010s saw an explosion of brands trying to incorporate augmented reality into their business model. From Toys-to-life games such as Skylanders and Disney Infinity, to virtual changing rooms, where consumers can "try on" products from the confines of their home.

One of my favourite applications of AR is to explore culturally significant locations from history. While learning about a place via reading books or watching videos is cool on its own, exploring the nooks and crannies of the Roman colosseum in its golden days, or taking a walk along the great pyramids of Egypt, all by pointing your phone at the ground, are experiences that you really can't get anywhere else (except maybe videogames, which, coincidentally, is the topic of next week's blog post 😉).

However, the most widespread application of augmented reality, by FAR, is digital filters.

The age of filters

Originally introduced in 2015, AR filters became an overnight sensation, forever embedding Snapchat into the public consciousness as "that app with the silly and cute filters". Since then, filters have evolved into an essential part of any social media platform, and it's extremely hard to find someone who has never at least tried one before.

Even though filters started out as something fun and harmless, it wasn't long until some people realized that they can be used to modify and filter out certain unwanted characteristics from pictures.

And thus, everyone decided to start looking exactly like each other...

While that was an exaggeration, it is still true that beautification filters completely changed the landscape of selfies worldwide. funny animal filters were replaced with ones that could make your face thinner, lips redder and eyes wider, all in an attempt to obtain the "ideal look".

Personally, I've never been a big fan of beautification filters. While it can be flattering to look at an "ideal" version of yourself, it can create and reinforce negative ideas that one may have about their own body, especially their facial features. When you can attain a conventionally attractive look with just a click of a button, it is almost impossible to not somewhat doubt your real level of attractiveness.

Constant exposure to Snapchat beautifying effects can also lead users to internalize societal messages that prioritize certain features as more desirable, pure, and beautiful. this can result in users detesting their own features and feeling pressured to conform to a specific image of perception, which may not align with their authentic selves (Barker 2020).

References

Barker, J 2020, ‘Making-up on mobile: The pretty filters and ugly implications of Snapchat’, Fashion, Style & Popular Culture, vol. 7, no. 2, pp. 207–221.

Javornik, A 2016, ‘The Mainstreaming of Augmented Reality: A Brief History’, Harvard Business Review, viewed 7 March 2024, <https://hbr.org/2016/10/the-mainstreaming-of-augmented-reality-a-brief-history>.

Thi, S 2022, ‘2008 - First AR ad | Atomic Digital Design’, atomicdigital.design, viewed 7 March 2024, <https://atomicdigital.design/blog-post/augmented-reality-and-the-future-of-advertising>.

[tarynkurt]

ah yes, another year

there's hardly anything to say. but here's a bunch of stuff anyway.

i reflect on all that bring me smiles, and feel knots form and twist within me over all the embarrassments. things have always been difficult for me socially, and i have spent the majority of this time studying ways to mimic those to which interaction comes easily, trying to understand and find such ease in myself. often this has gone very well, and then i go through a year like this where it all seems to go backwards. i can find myself stuck for hours as though my lips have been sewn shut. yes, yes, you're trapped, just like everyone else.

(it gets happier i promise, just bear with me).

in some ways. i know there are ways in which i am wired completely different to most, and thankfully i have the diagnoses to prove it. but i have spent many years with this as an excuse, and i grow weary of it.

a cause can offer great explanation for something, but often does not excuse it. now, i use this argument more for understanding those who have done wrong - there is always a reason why, but that is rarely a justification. and many would say i am too harsh for saying this same thing to myself, that i should be allowed to excuse myself, given the circumstances.

but if a tendency i am wired with leaves me feeling desolate and empty, then i do not think that can be excused. we are powerful creatures in our ability to cause change within ourselves, if we have such determined resolve to do so.

i think what is important is viewing these things with kindness, and forgiveness. i do not wish to excuse the same 'failures' in myself over and over, but should i fall, it does me no good to answer this with hate and despair. as much as i feel i ought to sometimes. one must accept things with humility and love, and rise to try again. so when the chance comes again, we may remember, and see how we can approach the energetic movement differently. if we continue to base this growth upon self loathing, then the same defence mechanisms will continue to be triggered each time difficult situations present themselves; you spiral back into the same habits to which you try so desperately to run from.

the more you run from things, the faster you become them. or whatever tyler the creator said.

for a few years i really came into my own in this personal development stuff, at the ripe age of 16. i had a strange childhood. no-one could even begin to guess the confusion behind it all. even now, it seems i'm doing pretty well, apart from those days. but back then i felt unstoppable; i'd almost completely turned off the tap of anxious bullshit.

but i had no artistic expression. i had neglected that side of myself for so long.

there's always a catch in things, and as i now find myself in a slightly opposite side of it all, i recall the essentialness of sacrifice.

and so i moved, up north to the scottish fresh air, free from the city that i hated all my life, just as i had grown to love it. ironic, right? and just as the lockdown began. i grew very accustomed to the solace of my own mind again, and followed in into dissolution and madness while i wandered the beautiful forests and fields for hours on end. that sounds like exaggeration but i assure you it is quite the case; i mean, have you read the stuff in this blog so far? it came quite natural to me to use my own psyche as a form of experimentation, to see how deep it all goes, and to try and understand what it all means.

as you can imagine, that could sometimes get rather dark.

and then again for a while i thought i had found some of the answers. the secrets of the universe, as tyrece and i used to always say. in some ways i did find something like that, though they are neither secrets nor anything one could conceptualise into words, other than the vaguest of directions like harmony, and divinity. i gave my thanks to this, as it led me back to my core. i found my artistry again, and more importantly discovered the magic of this in music.

i remember standing on the end of crombie point, a rocky pier at the end of the fife coastal path, situated a bit inland on the estuary upon which edinburgh sits, facing the grangemouth power station and gazing at the incredibly high tide as the waves crashed with quite a menacing force. there was quite a mean storm going, you see.

the wind and rain seemed to strip my mind bare, and left my skeleton out to the mercy of the sea. it took quite a lot of my might not to jump in, to be frank. an hour or two passed as i just watched the waves roll, and i saw thousands of faces rise and fall in its countenance. they had such expressions that were so incomprehensible to me, but i kept staring, trying to understand.

this is the part where you wonder if this is all some big descriptive metaphor for how i experience day to day life. i've wondered that too, and you mustn't underestimate the synchronicity that arrises in life. if you look for it, you shall see everything in its great majesty reflected back at you, in every nook and cranny.

however poetically you may interpret it though, like i say, i rarely exaggerate. i experience life quite literally, and so speak accordingly.

i walked home that day two hours after sunrise, as though i was learning to walk again. like i had to rebuild myself, from scratch. though that was not something i was too unfamiliar with, this time struck me to my core. so still with me now i carry such great reverence for nature, and the divine forces of this world. they do not just whisper, but scream and shout from the top of their lungs, in every single facet of growing and still life, rocks and hills, soil and bark, leaves and petals, water and ice that you can try lay your eyes on. and the rest that you can't. they whisper the truth that i so desperately longed for, that which even now i seem to so often forget, as i bury myself in the hustle and bustle of city life in search of my work. but still they cry out, without wavering, for that is their duty, and their promise, to everything all around. it is the chain that keeps on singing, and it is filled with thanks. gracious, joyous thanks, even in the sharpest storm, blasting the rocks for the millionth time with all its might, they respond with gratitude.

i think we all then ask why?

that's all we ever ask.

but some things can't be explained, not like our minds desire. not in a tangible, human way with labels and diagrams.

some things can only be felt.

and so with this resolve circling my mind, as i filled journal after journal and taught myself music production, and painting (not that nice 'correct' manner, just my own silly abstractions), new forms of writing, and of course the guitar. i was still too scared to begin singing, but soon i would meet kind people who gave me more courage. i made some deep mistakes, and as it turns out it would not be the first, and not even be the worst, but i let them teach me as best i could, and asked for forgiveness. you'll be very hard pressed trying to find anyone in this life that hasn't done wrong. what you should look for are those who can freely admit to it, and seek to do better in response. we are creatures of both great good and great evil; it is what you choose to listen to that matters. never trust those who can never accept their own capacity for evil, or can never own up to their own faults. for we all have both.

anyway, i digress.

it was time for my first real statement, when i felt my refinement of skill was at its first major milestone (note: i'm probably only now nearing my second, or third at best). and so i made the nature of self. an instrumental project reflecting, as best i could, what i had learnt through my time in scotland, from the swift and abrupt maturing i had to go through before in coventry, working full time at 16 but devoted to personal development to the nth degree, to the ever-flowing joy and madness of running through the trees for 8 hours a day and learning what it meant to express. why we express. and how this all reflected back into the natural world, from which it came, into the nature of our own minds.

like i say, i tried to delve deep into the psychology of myself. i went awfully far in.

then with another miracle, and this project in my back pocket, i made it to london, to study production officially as a degree. to discover myself and find some comfort in people again, for the isolation up north had driven me to madness one too many times. as you can expect, the overstimulation was pretty high, and i felt to be a fish out of water. but, as we always do, i adapted. then i was grew reckless, remembering my tender age and acted accordingly, trying to experience and live wildly, and made the deeper mistakes. i can never listen to advice, truly. if a mistake is to be made, i must make it, to really understand why. oh, how i have wished this wan't the case, but alas, we are all wiser with hindsight. you had to do it first to gain that wisdom.

i hadn't forgotten my social learning from before scotland, but i did realise how strange other things came to me now i was really an 'adult'. i tried my best, but neglected my health and learning, and a great deal of the grace i learnt in the warm arms of nature faded from my attention. it's very easy to get swept up by big cities, and even easier than that to forget why you even went there in the first place. trying to live, rather than survive, is a great ordeal.

and now we're back, really. i've endured great turbulence, and been graced with great blessings. the echoes of my spiritual delving in the north struck me in painful ways at times, and joyous ways in others. as with everybody else, i continued to fight the ever-raging tug of war between trying to live the life i desire for the best peace, health and 'productivity', and the more pressing concerns of shit that needs to be done now to pay rent, eat and show up to things.

it's hard keeping friends through that, even more so when you reside in a mind like my own. there's only so many times you can apologise to people for not being there, before you realise the chance has passed. that's ok. everyone has their own path, we must accept that.

this year i went within, with a great deal of struggle but so much goodness and achievement. i have found ways to re-ignite the fire, when it felt completely exhausted, put real care back into my health, learning and this artistic journey, and laid some real foundations for good musical growth and experiences this year to come. i got to travel like i was never able to in my whole life, and see some wonderful shows. i found joy and appreciation whenever i had lost it, rising from the shells around me, and i think i am learning to listen to the currents of the world around me again. to feel the pulsing breath of life in nature, the divinity in things. i was able to cry again. that one is really quite the achievement.

and yet i still can fixate on how i feel smaller again. how i have crashed and lost my words in rooms full of people. how i have somehow ended up with people hating me, seemingly convinced that i have malicious intent toward them, when all i had wished to do was be friends. this happens to us all; i just seem to have a harder time understanding it, and moving past it. this year i felt really small.

that is why, i remind myself, i am an artist. because i feel it all, so unbelievably much. find strength in your feelings of weakness, with the knowledge that it takes great capacity to feel them it at all.

and i have so much appreciation as a result.

i really try to say my thanks for things.

even if weeks go by and i fall into the clouds again, or if i sit in another room and feel my voice disappear, trapped underneath the water's surface, i continue to keep faith. just a sliver of hope is all it takes to keep going. and when you snap out of it (like we always do), take some nice big breaths and say your thanks. it all has its purpose.

so i explain it all, but i do not excuse it. i forgive myself and understand why, but do not hate myself for my perceived failings and how they burden me. i quietly accept it, because i've seen the biggest picture, and it's ok for these things to happen. what matters is that you try again, a little each time, to train as i once did so valiantly. as i do now again. to study those around me and myself, not excusing my shy behaviour in such a way that i can continue to perpetuate it, but humbly letting a weak moment pass so it can be followed with one just a little bit stronger.

each time the weight on my chest gets a little bit lighter.

what matters is that you do not continue to stare into the void. you make sure the moment you see the clouds break and a sliver of sunshine passes through, you jump up and catch it. you forgive yourself for letting your eyes shut by opening them as wide as you can, and laugh it off.

the sun and the moon laugh so wonderfully, if you stop to listen.

i can't guarantee i won't feel so awkward again; it's pretty reasonable to expect it, at some point. but i can promise myself that i'll keep trying, and let it let go a bit more then. you don't need to hold on so tight and have all these preconceptions about things, its really never as serious as we think. and before you know it, you've forgotten the worry.

i hope i can find solace around good people more this year. this journey is walked with those around you, not in solidarity. as nice as it is to be alone in my own space, that does not allow me to grow nearly as much as being in the company of other kind souls, ones who feel the same budding flowers in their core as I do, yearning to jump out and grow their roots in the infinite manners of art and human expression that we have at our fingertips. i love watching that unfold.

as for the path, i can thankfully say things are moving along nicely. i am to perform my first show next month, supporting my good old friend howard, and will sing proudly. there is lots for me to discover, and i feel such great excitement to see how it will unfold, as i continue to refine my craft and understand what it is that i am learning.

my whole life's work is one big great painting, a myriad of expressions slowly growing and drawing themselves together in a web, and i know that it shines with wonder and beauty. i feel everything far too much for it to not. it truly is divine.

how exciting it is to see how it all grows!

and so i think of the past year, and i direct my attention to this. not to the worries, and the cracks, but to the joy, and the growth. the sweet imperfections bursting with feeling that ripen by the day.

this year i will care for myself more, so that my health may reflect the same golden shine.

and gain some more discipline over my emotions. allowing oneself to feel, but not to be led astray by spirals of concern and away from awareness in the present are two very different things. i love feeling how i feel, but i sure can learn from the past in ways to not let it overcome me.

for there is a great difference between experiencing something, and becoming it.

i am more than the clouds that pass me by.

i am the million colours in the breath of life, permeating through it all.

now, i have surely written much more than was necessary, and i am sleepy and should rest for a while. writing like this almost always comes in the quiet peace of the night, you see. but hey, reading all this was your choice, i didn't tell you to. and i've got to get some of this stuff out there now; it'll make the book writing so much easier in the future!

we all need to be able to say our stories, otherwise we'd just explode.

and i like to be very exact with how i speak.

with love,

taryn :)

[learningtolovesomethingnew]

REPRESENTATIVE WORK

Ancient Near Eastern. Female Figurine, late 3rd millennium B.C.E. Terracotta, 5 1/2 x 3 9/16 x 13/16 in. (14 x 9 x 2 cm). Brooklyn Museum, Gift of Helena Simkhovitch in memory of her father, Vladimir G. Simkhovitch, 72.133. Creative Commons-BY (Photo: Brooklyn Museum, 72.133_PS2.jpg)

https://www.brooklynmuseum.org/opencollection/objects/98871

Brenda Shave

After reading the first three chapters of the book, Humanities Through the Arts (Martin, 2023), I was impressed by the academic approach to art outlined by the authors. This new (at least for me) method of experiencing art reinforces my hope that, with a little knowledge, art can be accessible to me beyond my naïve, “Do I like it? Do I understand it?” mentality. I was particularly struck by the idea that our appreciation of a particular work can change over time. As we mature, our sense of values frequently shifts. The art work remains the same, but we gain experiential perspective and , sometimes, more information about the work, it’s creator, and context in time. So, how much involved in art appreciation is actually about ourselves?

My representative work, Female Figurine, is a clear example of a shift in my frame of reference having a drastic effect on my regard for a particular group of works. Before becoming a mother, I viewed Female Figurine as a rudimentary, unsophisticated example of art that I did not understand. For me, the value of any particular piece was rooted in the amount of skill and talent required to create its form. Essentially, if an artwork could potentially be duplicated by me, it was not valuable. Female Figurine reveals the importance of art beyond its form. The lack of facial features no longer conveys to me a lack of skill, but the loss of self in becoming a mother. The exaggerated depiction of reproductive regions draws my eye to what is important for a child. Maybe this is how my son saw me in his first few days of life? They also emphasized the massive alterations of my body after giving birth. I absolutely identify with the sense that my reproductive organs became out of proportion with my previous experience of them, both physically and emotionally. Female Figurine’s arms are rendered as oversized loops. This mirrors my sense of urgency to protect my son against factors that are so much larger than myself. The tiny figure of the child displays the crushing vulnerability of newborns. Its amorphous form speaks to an unknowable potential. While I could possibly make a passable copy of this figurine, that’s what it would be: a copy. The emotional impact of this simple sculpture and the volumes it speaks of motherhood are profoundly beyond my ability to convey.  

[thenarcdiaries]

As a fellow NPD + BPD haver, this vent is basically how I felt reading that comment.

My NPD diagnosis fundamentally changed the way people I loved viewed me to a point where some people just straight up left my life, citing my NPD as making me essentially a irredeemable monster. I’m not even exaggerating there. I have screenshots of variable rephrasings of that sentiment.

It truly feels like people believe narcissists are sub human and deserving of death and that fucking destroys so many of us.

So OP even though my affective empathy is very low on even a good day, I am on your level, I see where your coming from, and I’ve been feeling that exact same pain.

Tiktok is a cesspool of ableism against narcissists and usually I shake my head and roll my eyes, but i just saw a Tiktok comment that made my blood boil.

Keep in mind that this was on a cluster B safe post, and someone manages to think its okay to blame abuse on NARCISSISM. I am a person with BPD and NPD, im not going to get personal in my life because this is the internet and not everyone needs to know what ive fucking been through, but i know for damn sure that "narc abuse" is not a fucking thing and generalizes narcissists to be abusers and dangerous people. Sure, you can get abused by a narcissist, but you can also get abused by literary ANYONE, this is why you dont see people say "im suffering from blonde abuse" or "im recovering from christian abuse" because nobody in their fucking right mind would use someones appearance, race, mental health, religon, physical ability, gender, sexuality, ETC as a excuse to label and generalize a group of people to describe abuse. I had a ex girlfriend who would abuse me and she had BPD, I have a mother who also emotionally and verbally abuses me and shes schizophrenic. You dont see me say "im recovering from borderline abuse" or "im suffering from schizophrenic abuse" because that generalizes people with BPD and schizophrenia to be abusers. Do you see the fucking problem here yet? Oh but when its narcissists, or people with "scary mental disorders" like ASPD, then its suddenly okay to label us as scary abusers or dangerous people? Some of You claim to be advocates for mental health but when it comes to us then you suddenly give up because we're "too much for you to waste your time on" or that we're "Hopeless" and "Helpless" if you so called "Empaths", egotypicals, and neurotypicals actually gave a fucking shit about us, you would understand that we've also been hurt, we've been treated like shit and neglected by the world, we bite because we are scared, we are constantly in a battle of self hate and fake ego, we are insecure, we depend on attention and success to survive, we are neglected children at our core. if you really gave a shit about mental health and our well being, i wouldn't be here thinking "wow man i should really rid myself because the world views me as nothing but a monster so therefore i should off myself!" "but you've also hurt people!" I know, I am aware, I've already taken that accountabilty and MAJOR steps into becoming into a better person and have recovered greatly these past months and you dont know or understand me more than the people ive hurt personally, you dont get a say in what happens because thats NOT your ground to stand on and say whatever YOU think and ive had people disrespect that. I am FORTUNATE to even be loved and cared for still by the person ive hurt, and even I myself dont feel like I deserve that such mercy, I am forever grateful but It also makes me truly sad, not for myself, but for the person I love the most. I genuinely cried writing this, this is more so a vent but I hope someone sees this and atleast understand me on a true empathic level, instead of a perception. I hope i dont regret posting this, because this is the most youre gonna see me vulnerable for a LONG time.

[many-but-one]

Hey, I saw your post explaining your views on endos and as a proxy-endo plural (formed to cope with trauma/stress at an older age, as far as I can tell) I think your take on it as an exaggeration of IFS is really neat. I didn't choose to experience my altered states in the way I do, but I think I subconsciously formed them to help me cope with stress, especially as an autistic person who cannot deal well with change. My different "modes" help me adapt to different situations and help me feel more capable. Thanks for keeping an open mind. Hope you're doing well.

Hello! I’m really glad our post resonated with you. Early on in our system experience we were starkly anti-endo, even had like Endos DNI on our pinned and everything. (Which was fair, boundaries are important for everyone if they choose to set them. We don’t use DNIs anymore.)

But as we started healing in therapy and started hating our own disorder less and realizing how honestly incredible the brain was I realized that the brain will literally do just about anything to help itself cope with traumatic stimuli. As a child, it broke me into literal pieces. While I do believe endogenic plurality is definitely not quite the same as OSDDID levels of plurality in terms of things like separation of parts or amnesia between parts (if you are having amnesia between parts, that means you likely have dissociative barriers in place which likely means Trauma). I feel like this is especially true because one of the largest arguments I see from endos is that their systems are NOT “systems of parts” and they DON’T consider themselves a fragmented whole (many traumagenic systems think this too, I know that, but this is something I’ve seen from endos the most) which means that in endogenic plurality maybe their parts really are more like separate people, like in an IFS situation. And for endos that didn’t make their systems on purpose (which…I’m still not really sure why some do that, but to each their own.) I feel like the exaggerated IFS with characters or OCs or more “alive” versions of their “inner child” or “inner teen” or “angered self” or “work/school self” etc just kind of Made Sense to me. I feel like this could almost definitely be more capable from someone who already HAS “modes” and “masks” like an autistic person does, which is why you see so many endos who are also autistic.

Ofc I’m NOT saying my little theory is set in stone, that was just my way of wrapping my brain around endogenic systems and why they might exist without childhood trauma. And when I kind of opened my mind to that I was just kinda like “huh. That’s really cool, actually.” Brains, like I said, are very plastic. The trauma that literally damaged my brain as a child? While those wounds will never fully heal, our brain can bounce back with healing, grace, and time. Realizing that WE could come BACK from what was essentially repeated traumatic brain injuries as a kid, it really makes sense that the brain would change in the presence of teen or adult trauma too, and if IFS times 100 is what helps someone survive the literal hellscape that is middle school, high school, abusive parents, abusive siblings, manipulative friends, etc., then of course the brain will fucking jump on that shit quick. The brain is remarkable at surviving, it will do whatever it can to do so, even if it’s maladaptive or detrimental after the pain and trauma end.

AKA us having DID helped us survive as a child but is not helpful as an adult, at least not before we started cooperating. Now I can’t imagine life without them. But if I could choose to not be traumatized or have alters, I personally would choose no alters or trauma. This stuff is hard as hell. But I am no longer resentful towards the disorder or to my brain for making us have this disorder. The brain is capable of so much, so why are endogenic origins so far-fetched, I suppose? Ofc, there are probably plenty of people who claim endo (and traumagenic if I’m being honest) origins who aren’t plural and are using it for roleplay. Which 🤷🏻 is none of my goddamn business and nobody else’s either.

That’s just my take on it! I’ve already started losing followers but I feel like I need to be a more positive and open person rather than so fucking angry about something that’s not going to change anytime soon. Like, anti-endos being so enraged and bullying endos is not going to make them stop anytime soon. Especially if it’s something they legitimately have and can’t stop. Are there some endos that might have repressed trauma? Yeah probably. But that’s not always the case and to try to force someone to accept trauma early on and without proper therapy is just dangerous as hell. Our DID specialist, when some of the ugly details of our trauma started spilling out, actively encouraged us to have a little bit of denial. Deep down, I knew it was real. But letting myself sit on the denial train for a few weeks let me come back and process the very real memories with a clearer head and heart. A lot of endogenic folks who have repressed trauma probably do not have access to trauma specialists and to try and jump start trauma processing by yelling at them to accept they’re traumatized or ELSE is just. Gross, honestly. There are huge vices on both sides of the community, but both sides of the community have also brought great things. Research from scientists who support traumagenic theories has allowed us to understand our disorder more, and endo positive companies like Simplyplural and Pluralkit have changed the game for systems, both on the pro and anti side. To actively say neither side has ever done good and neither side has ever done bad is just false. We all have done really bad shit to each other and I wish we could just not be so damn angry all the time.

Alright, rant on your ask is over lol. Thanks for sending this in. I was honestly worried I was going to offend endos by posting that little theory and I didn’t want to make them think I was boiling down their experiences to just IFS because I am not endo and I don’t have that lived experience so I can’t talk over you. Just like endos can’t talk over OSDDID systems about OSDDID. *wink wink nudge nudge* lol.

-Jules

[quarthly]

Twilight characters as random animals that I think are oddly fitting

(Also yes, I am roasting the animals as well)

Edward: He would be a Cheetah. Now I know, seems like a cop out just because of his speed but hear me out. Cheetahs are, at face value, pretty cool. They used to be my favorite animal as a child, but then I grew up.

Cheetahs, through no fault of their own, are severely inbred. Now thats mainly because of poaching, but the cheetas anxiety also comes into play. In captivity, cheetahs are usually given emotional support dogs. I will admit it is cute but it negatively affects the population. Excluding one in the wild, cheetas can be to anxious to breed and thats not good for conservation efforts.

Cheetahs can hit up to 80 miles per hour in a couple of seconds. They are designed for fast running and agility. Their claws are similar to that of a dogs for better traction and they have elongated spines for longer strides. They have a thin build, long legs and a long tail for balance.

This has downsides though. Many times after making a kill, it will get stolen for them by larger predators. Thats right, they get absolutely bodied by the other animals. I should probably make these shorter but I'm on a rant now, so I guess this will be semi educational.

Throughout the series, we see Edward over estimated his abilities and value, constantly getting bodied by others. He's essentially a perfect mormon, though thats on S'meyers. He constantly judges others, dehumanizing them to their baser flaws, without doing any self reflecting. Him viewing himself as a monster doesn't really count to me. While he definitely hates himself, the only thing he is truly demonizing is being a vampire.

Bella: Picking up from Edwards, Bella is a Chocolate Labrador. Yes, she is his therapy dog. I feel like this is really fitting for her. I know Golden retriever would make more sense, as thats the most common breed for service animals. However, I kind of focused on her appearance. Only at first though! I just know that Edward raved about her human qualities and that would pass over as animals as well. Her chocolate eyes and brown fur, very average and boring. Thats essentially Bella. Even Edward wasn't into her until he got a wiff. Labradors a very loyal dogs and while they have more personality than Bella, I just couldn't shake it. Their also very stupid. Ok that's kind of mean, they're not stupid but when it comes to love, then yeah they are stupid.

I used to have a lab, loved him to death, but god he was something else. Very much danger prone, from their own stupidity or their lack of survival instincts. I know that labs are almost aquatic. They love water, swimming, all that jazz. We can just say that bella has a few screws loose in her dna and is just "not like other labs."

Rosalie: Now she was hard. There are quite a few animals that I think would fit for her. I'll list the other ones, but that one I went with is the Swan. Like Edward, seems a little on the nose, but I have my reasoning.

I was going to pick a predator for her, as she is shown to be very vengeful and viscous. I would have pick some type of cat, most likely a purebred, from a rich family. It could still work, but the swan just speaks to me on this one.

Swan's are known for being beautiful, graceful, and are pictured as the symbol of love. They are also very vain. Edward constantly brings up Rosalies vanity. She was constantly valued for her beauty as a human, so of course that crossed over in the transformation. She was raised to be married into wealth, she was used as a bargaining chip to increase the family's standing.

Rose has a very strong character and makes her opinions known. She's assertive and aggressive at times. She's not afraid to get dirty.

Swans mate for life and like geese, are known for being great parents. I was also going to choose geese as an option for the maternal instincts. I was wary at first because swans can be really aggressive. Like actually, you think geece are bad? Yikes bestie...

I was conflicted because swans are known for drowning dogs and sometimes people. However, I can actually see Rose drowning Bella. It's not that unbelievable lmao.

Emmett: Now this one is just ironic. I only associate him with bears. Its inevitable, but picking a Grizzly or Black bear is too obvious. So I went a slightly different route...

So I was going to pick the Sun bear just because of looks alone. Like, I'm not exaggerating, it looks like someone wearing a bear costume. I don't think it fits him but I know for a fact that he would dress up as a sun bear and sneak into a zoo to see if anyone would notice. I'll put a pic of it here

Like look at this thing. I have no words...

Anyway, what I picked was a Sloth Bear. Now Sloth bears are mostly nocturnal, which either way works consider vamps don't sleep. Their diet is also odd but honestly so is the cullens. They're native to the Indian subcontinent, and are known for being aggressive towards humans. Its said that for the most part they're pretty calm, so I think its just fear of humans that make them act aggressively. Honestly, that's a good thing because they are listed as vulnerable on the IUCN Red list.

They have some similarities with sloths, which is where they get the name. They have long claws and unusual teeth. They are known to hang upside down from tree branches, and is described as having a messy appearance. Honestly, Emmitt has a messy personality. Sorry bestie but you're a lot of work.

Now heres the biggest reason for choosing this bear. Aside from Baloo from the jungle book being a sloth bear, they are known to run fades with Tigers. Honestly, how fucking badass is that!? Now I don't think there are recorded instances of a Sloth bear killing a Tiger, but when push comes to shove, they can hold their own and I find that incredibly impressive.

Carlisle: This one was somehow the easiest as well as the toughest. I know Owl seems like the obvious choice, and I can see it. However, I believe Carlisle values emotional intelligence as much or if not more than academic intelligence. He is so charismatic and values other's above himself. He might not be as Saint like as Edward thinks, but he does try and I think he genuinely cares about others. For that reason alone, I choose a Elephant.

Elephant's are very social animals and are extremely intelligent. I could rave about them for ages, I love them so much.

Now elephants live in a familial unit and are usually matriarchal. Bulls usually are on the outer edges of the herd or form little groups with other males. Honestly, they're not that bad aside from when their in musk.

In the group of males, the elder ones will teach the younger where to get the best food, water, how to use things as tools, and every other thing that will increase their odds of survival. This is really cute to me tbh, they do this because the females usually choose the older males because they've proved that they are intelligent and strong, that they have survived and will continue to for awhile. Teaching the younger males these things are to make the odds of them getting chosen to mate more likely. The whole unit just reminds me of a father that has to deal with rowdy teens.

Carlisle likes to take in strays, he might not have a herd but he will make one and teach them to thrive. That's how he envisions it anyway. He just has a found family and is trying his best.

Esme: Now this might seem like an insult, but I promise it's not! This is in no way misogynistic. I love cattle and ever since I took animal science in highschool, I have appreciated these grass puppies like they deserve. Call me Castro because I love cows.

Yup! I chose a Cow for her. Specifically a beef cow. That might sound weird but its because beef cows have higher maternal instinct than dairy cows. I'm thinking Scottish Highland based on vibes alone.

They are nicknamed the Gentle Giants of Scotland. Super maternal and sweet and ugh look how cute they are!

Esme came from a abusive marriage and had just lost her child, she was depressed and desperate. Her changing was, in a way, salvation. She just fits in. She adopts all these strays along with him and will protect them to the death. She might be gentle by nature, but don't fuck with her family. She lost her first one and she isn't going to lose this one.

Alice: She's an odd one. There are so many possibilities and maybe I'm biased, but I feel like she would be a Crow.

Ok listen, I'm definitely biased but it just feels right. Crows get a bad rap, they are so cool! They are so intelligent and have the ability to actually sit and think about the past, prest, and future. I forget what its called, but this was only seem in humans! Maybe other apes, I can't remember exactly, but either way its awesome. They do live in groups, or murders, and remember people and faces. They remember locations and are able to pass down information through generations. They essentially have their own language! They are able to use tools too!

Alice's story is really sad. When we first meets her, it revolves around the death of her mother and her institutionalized. She was essentially tortured and forgot everything from her past. All she had was the future and even that wasn't constant. Crows a often viewed as omens, they are associated with death. I personally believe that instead of being the cause, they just know something is going to happen. They are very inquisitive and can be creative.

If you befriend a murder of crows, sometimes, depends or the group, they will bring gifts. Its can range from food to shiny metals and colorful plastic. Hell, I think I've seen a post of one stealing things from people just to gift it to their human.

Alice's love language is gifts. Even if they are focused around fashion, she still goes out of her way to get something that will look good and at least be a little comfortable. By that I mean she tends to forget peoples comfort zones, but she means well.

Jasper: Honestly not to sure what to put for him. I know a predator would be more fitting, but for some reason I can see a donkey working. I know, seems like I'm clowning on the confederate. Fair, but I'm serious about the donkey thing. Honestly, it would be perfect if it wasn't a herbivore. Porcupine would also work.

Being a predator would make more sense. Given his backstory and his characterization, it wouldn't make sense for him to be a prey animal. Usually I wouldn't count this, but given his gore filled past and trouble with the diet, it seemed fitting.

I see him as a Big Cat. Honestly, vamps in general just give cat vibes. Jasper though especially have some cat like qualities, which originates from hunting and being a soldier.

I specifically see him as a Mountain Lion. Aside from him being blonde, he just has the predatory stealth to him. In midnight sun, we see him use his gift to make the nomads overlook him. He's honestly really powerful.

Mountain lions are known for being stealthy with an air of grace and power to them. They are stong animals. And I mean strong. They can jump 40-45 feet.

They're very elusive and quite. They stalk their prey and tend to attack from behind but don't think they won't hold their ground if need be.

Jasper was changed during the Civil War and forced to fight in the Newborn wars. He was a soldier as a human and as a vampire. He's able to feel and manipulate others emotions. He's covered in scars and is very intimidating.

He still struggles with the diet and honestly I hate how the others handle it. Like they have no room to talk. I don't want to defend the confederate but it just pisses me off. He has to deal with his hunger on top of everyone else's. Like damn, besties always on edge! Everyone doubts him which I don't think helps any.

Also, Mountain lions and Cheetahs can purr!

@aquanova99 I'll do a Volturi one too. That one will be fun lmao

[attemptsonherlifepdf]

transgression, the other, and the evolving shape of the gothic: a comparison of the bloody chamber and dracula

transgressive behaviours are at the forefront of gothic literature, a device used to impart messages surrounding temporally relevant cultural fascinations and anxieties. this theme runs throughout the reactionary genre’s timeline, including through bram stoker’s contribution to establishing the progression of gothic tropes in the victorian era, and angela carter’s 1970s prose. stoker’s fin de siecle novel explores the threats that transgressive behaviours pose to social norms and british values through binary oppositions, drawing upon victorian fears of reverse colonisation, sexual liberation and disease. conversely, carter’s modern subversion of the gothic explores these threats via stories of transformation and metamorphosis; both authors utilise the supernatural to personify these menaces to the norm, as is a vital characteristic of the genre. by having non-human characters commit explicit acts rather than humans, gothic authors can characterise the acts as monstrous and convey messages surrounding what these threatening acts mean for the characterisation of humanity. as put by kelley hurley, ‘through depicting the abhuman, the gothic reaffirms and reconstructs human identity.’

stoker’s traditional prose utilises the gothic concept of binary opposition in order to depict and villainise the threats posed upon his idealised christain characters by dracula. dracula himself, as an abhuman entity, is representative of sexual fluidity and the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, ideas which are consistent with vampirism but are at odds with victorian english values. lucy’s brutal punishment, however, is contrasted with the anticlimactic demise of dracula himself, where his ‘whole body crumbled into dust and passed from our sight.’ stoker could be using this opposition to suggest that those who give in to threats against typical societal conventions and fail to uphold british values are more deserving of punishment than those who actually pose the threat. the contrast provides an implication of moral inferiority: while villains are transgressive by nature, their victims who fail to resist their ideologies betray the moral code they originally conducted themselves upon. this initial betrayal is what allows the threatening character to infiltrate the population and continue to corrupt the ‘good’ characters. buzzwell supports this, suggesting that ‘lucy’s moral weakness allows dracula to repeatedly prey upon her.’ stoker arguably serves as an other himself, writing as an irish protestant in london. the opposition he constructs here between lucy and dracula’s respective manifestations of vampirism not only examines cultural variations but exemplifies and exaggerates the differences in the reactions of other characters towards them. given the author’s own ‘otheredness’, we could consider the novel a criticism of victorian xenophobia, where o’kelly argues that stoker ‘[pokes] fun at some of the victorian era’s most cherished beliefs.’ however, this view of the novel’s depiction of threats to the norm is highly disputed, with gibson highlighting stoker’s own russophobia as ‘a hatred that determines dracula’s negative portrayal as a condemnation of the orthodox eastern and slavic peoples historically allied to russia.’

contrastingly, carter’s presentation of characters succumbing to villains who jeopardise established values centres around ideas of solidarity, which she demonstrates through the ‘victims’ experience of metamorphosis. her techniques differ from stoker’s in that his use of binary oppositions is undoubtedly traditional of both the gothic and of the manichean mentality of victorian england. the usage of metamorphosis, on the other hand, allows carter to force audiences to grapple with liminality and she suggests to them that ‘othered’ groups or individuals are not entirely evil. this is a view which reflects carter’s modern, second-wave feminist perspective. jaques derrida’s ‘theory of the other’ posits that ‘otherness often provokes a paradoxical response in the viewer: fascination and repulsion.’ often the fascination is morbid, working in conjunction with repulsion: audiences are curious to understand what disgusts them. the tiger’s bride and the courtship of mr lyon, two stories within the bloody chamber collection, are subverted retellings of the traditional ‘beauty and the beast’ fairytale. while maintaining the general events of the original ending, where beauty stays with the beast of her own volition, carter offers up two dynamics between the human and abhuman that serve to recharacterise ‘othered’ creatures as less threatening and more sympathetic and innocent.

the courtship of mr lyon characterises mr lyon as a ‘leonine apparition’ and an ‘angry lion’ throughout, emphasising his predatory nature and resulting in negative connotations surrounding his ‘otherness.’ his initial threatening aura is quickly negated soon after beauty’s introduction to him, as they warm up to one another, and the story concludes with mr lyon’s transformation into a human man: ‘her tears fell on his face like snow and, under their soft transformation, the bones showed through the pelt, the flesh through the wide, tawny brow. and then it was no longer a lion in her arms but a man…’ carter’s use of metamorphosis here humanises a character that would otherwise be considered a threat to traditional norms, suggesting to readers that he may have been ‘just like us all along.’ his change in physical nature is triggered by beauty’s display of affection for him; implicit in this is the notion that we can undo our villainisation of marginalised people, and emphasises the significance of understanding between privileged and unprivileged groups. carter draws the line between what is a threat and what is simply unconventional, stripping marginalised identities of their ‘dangerous’ qualities that are attributed to them by those who abide by social norms. similarly, the tiger’s bride uses metamorphosis to suggest that those who challenge established identities are not inherently menacing, and that typical and atypical creatures can coexist. rather than have a character transform from beast to man as in the previous story, carter’s ending depicts a woman-to-beast transformation. this serves to suggest that people’s desire to understand what disgusts them can manifest as identifying with the ‘other’ and unlearning their own prejudices against them. beauty’s transformation is detailed in the closing sentences of the story: ‘and each stroke of his tongue ripped off skin after successive skin, all the skins of a life in the world, and left behind a nascent patina of shining hairs. my earrings turned back to water and trickled down my shoulders; i shrugged the drops off my beautiful fur.’ beauty’s metamorphosis can be read as a sign of solidarity towards the beast, or an understanding of his nature. roberts posits that ‘to be beast-like is virtuous. to be manly is vicious.’ carter takes this concept and uses it to criticise conventional reactions to unconventional behaviours. she deconstructs the binary that stoker relies upon, and uses a far more modern gothic convention to negate his black-and-white depiction that presents anything challenging the norm as a threat that can infiltrate civilised society, and instead presents these ‘threats’ as liberating.

perhaps an incredibly modern reading of carter’s metamorphosed characters is as an allegory for transgenderism. discussions around gender identity during the 1970s in britain, even in second-wave feminist circles, were more concerned with rejecting and redefining traditional gender roles than they were with the personal identity of individuals, so we can assume this was not carter’s intention when writing these stories. however, ideas of physical transformation, and how proximity to the ‘other’ can ‘radicalise’ one’s own identity are very fitting with treatment of transgender people both historically and presently. genres that stem from the late gothic, namely sci-fi, have been known for using metamorphosis as an allegory for marginalised identities, using physical transformation as an allegory for ideological or emotional transformation. a prime example of this is lana and lilly wachowski’s series the matrix. written as a trans allegory, the movie series criticises the social pressure for conformity the way carter does and attempts to explicitly recharacterise trans people as an innocent non-conforming identity rather than a threat. carter’s exploration and reproval of established values similarly tends to centre around ideas of gender, making this reading not entirely unreasonable. carter and stoker’s gothic texts are equally reflective of cultural anxieties in their respective temporal contexts, but where stoker reinforces racist ideologies that are at the heart of british imperialism and victorian politics, carter suggests that societal fears surrounding gender identity and liberation are unfounded.

both carter and stoker identify the victimisation of women as an established norm that is essential to the functioning of a patriarchal, capitalist society, but once again carter criticises this and stoker instead reinforces it. the notion of female vampirism is a vehicle for this discussion in both gothic texts, particularly in terms of how these supernatural women contain sexual traits that simultaneously fascinate and repel other characters. this duality is vital to what characterises them as a threat: jullian identifies ‘the gothic…’ as a genre ‘where danger is so near to pleasure’. the sexualised traits of vampire women is what allures other characters to them and allows them to infiltrate civilised society. stoker’s ‘hostility to female sexuality’ as described by roth, bookends the events of the novel with the early introduction and later reappearance of the eastern vampire women of dracula’s. their overt sexuality is repeatedly described as purposeful, with explicit juxtaposition between their attractiveness and the threat that they pose: 'there was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive.’ these women are an extension of dracula that serve to specifically explore the threat of sexual fluidity, and the crew of light’s destruction of dracula ultimately eliminates that threat. van helsing’s justification of killing these women, 'then the beautiful eyes of the fair woman open and look love ... and man is weak', demonstrates that it is men’s inability to resist sexualised creatures that will result in this threat infiltrating england, but the responsibility is placed upon the women. while this echoes stoker’s suggestion that those who succumb to villains are at fault, it inevitably criticises women regardless. kaplan argues that ‘the sexualisation and objectification of women is not simply for the purpose of eroticism; for a psychoanalytical point of view, it’s designed to annihilate the threat of women.’ the threat that kaplan refers to here is that of the new woman, an early feminist concept arising in the late 19th century. the new woman is entirely threatening to established victorian values as she ‘was often a professional woman who chose financial independence and personal fulfilment as alternatives to marriage and motherhood.’ (carol senf) by acting opposite to the ideal victorian wife, the new woman challenges normal behaviours and expectations. this is another example of stoker exploring threats to the norm via binary opposition: mina is contrasted with the vampire women, including lucy, a contrast pitting an ‘angel in the house’ character against new women. mina’s pious, devoted and submissive wifely characteristics fit the victorian ideal known as the ‘angel in the house’, a title that originates from coventry patmore’s poem in which he depicts his wife as a model for all women. this stark contrast illustrates how female sexuality threatens the value women are attributed as it prevents them from performing their expected duties for men. having a threatening or taboo act committed by a supernatural figure is a hallmark of the gothic and serves to convey to readers that the act or concept is monstrous. female sexuality is a common victim of this trope during the early and fin de siecle gothic periods, but has since been commonly subverted and empowered in more modern gothic literature.

for instance, the lady of the house of love is the most conventionally gothic text in the collection, using traditional purple prose and exaggerated, decadent settings to frame discussions about heredity, sex and death. it features a countess, whom carter depicts as simultaneously being a victim and a villain. the duality of her character is a result of carter’s signature liminality, wherein the lines between what is threatening and what is innocent are blurred to explore female sexuality as a complex trait rather than fitting the ‘good vs evil’ binary that stoker attempts to attribute it to. much of her characterisation mimics that of stoker’s vampire women, but is subverted to present the countess as a sympathetic villain: ‘her beauty is an abnormality, a deformity... a symptom of her disorder.’ the girl’s attractive traits are made synonymous with a deficiency or sickness, as is the fact that men are inevitably attracted to her. carter suggests here that the girl’s reliance on seducing men for her survival is a hereditary curse, implicitly commenting on the generational trauma women face as a result of having to rely on their relationships with sexually threatening men in order to live financially comfortable lives. this mimics the way in which society relies upon established values and social norms even though they restrict and stifle us. the countess weaponises her sexuality, and while her motivation is survival, this act is conventionally taboo and is therefore committed by a supernatural entity, to traditionally characterise it as monstrous. while carter does draw on this typical gothic trope, she uses sympathetic language to paint the countess as ‘helplessly perpetuating her ancestral crimes.’ the ending of the story, however, mentions the first world war and carter hints at the notion that humanity itself is more dangerous, more of a threat, than the threat of the perceived supernatural ‘beasts’ that people project their fears onto. once again, carter feeds into kelley hurley’s idea that ‘through depicting the abhuman, the gothic reaffirms and reconstructs human identity.’ liminal characters, such as vampires or characters like frankenstien’s monster in mary shelley’s ‘frankenstien’ that exist between life and death, exist as vehicles to discuss the complexities of human nature.

ultimately, carter paints various traits and identities that are widely considered ‘threatening’ to be multifaceted and liberating instead, as she views the established values that they ‘threaten’ to be restrictive and in need of changing. in the preface to the bloody chamber collection, helen simpson writes that 'human nature is not immutable, human beings are capable of change', arguing this point as the core of carter’s work. she suggests through her writing that what is perceived as a social threat is often based upon what is uncomfortable rather than what is actually dangerous. her work is partially ambivalent in that it does not instruct what is right or wrong the way stoker does, but instead depicts societal relationships and allows the audience to interpret it. stoker’s use of transformations that involve protagonists always has them revert back to their original state, a reinforcement of the status quo. those who do not revert to the norms are killed or punished, eradicating the threat and putting readers at ease. the exploration of threats is central to the gothic as a genre that depicts and discusses transgressive behaviours and the implications they have for wider society. as put by punter, ‘the gothic is associated with ‘the barbaric and uncivilised in order to define that which is other to the values of the civilised present.’

i.k.b

[demon-fetal-harvest]

ASKS TIME!! 2, 3, 13, 14, (15?), 39, and 44! :DDDD

Ohhhhh thank you very much for the ask @randomfoggytiger! I had fun answering these

2. David Duchovny or Fox Mulder

This is a little hard to choose from. I love David, he is a very talented man and he essentially gave life to some ofy favoritecharacters, but this time I have to choose Mulder, just because he is my baby girl an I love him.

3. Gillian Anderson or Dana Scully

When it comes to Gillian I have to give her credit when it's due. She is an excellent actress, and I have loved her work for a very long time. She also basically carried the whole show after David left but again, I have to choose Scully. Tbh she has been short off an inspiration to me, she is partly the reason why I decided to go into the career path im currently in, which is realated to criminal justice, you could say I was also a victim to the scully effect lol.

13. Favorite Season(s)? Why?

I'm between season 5 and season 7 for this one.

Season 5 has some of my favorite episodes. Including bad blood, detour, kill switch and although I normally don't like the mythology episodes, the ones in season 5 are not that bad and kinda like them for all the angst and overall drama (also some shippy moments).

With season 7 is less about the quality and more about vibe. Idk how to explain it, for me it fells lighter than the others if only by the shift M and S relationship at the very beginning of the season. Although I don't think the way the decided to finish Samantha's story was the best, at least Mulder got his closure. This season felt at the time like they were preparing us to say goodbye and if they decided to end the show there and get rid of requiem I would have been happy with that.

14. Favorite episode(s)? why?

I mentioned before some of my favorite episodes in the previous answer, but for the shake of choosing one, I'm going to go with the safe choice and say Bad Blood. That episode is just so fun to watch and so meta and also was one of the first episode i ever watched. It was a nice change from the normal motw format, and the changing point of view was extremely entertaining. I personally like how it showed the perception one had over the other (although I think they were exaggerating to get on each other's nerves) and idk, re-watching that episode just makes me happy

15. Favorite MSR moments?

There are tons of MSR moments to choose from but I think that my favorite one has to be the hand holding at the end of field trip. There's no words exchanged, they are not even looking at each other directly, but they almost die and still, their first instinct is to try to reach out to the other, to know they are there and alive and well. It's such a small thing compared to the "my one in five billion" speech or the baseball scene in the unnatural but for me it's the best one.

39. When do you think Mulder and Scully started dating?

I believe the earliest something could have happened is after closure for sure. Amor fati opened season 7 with one of the greatest love confessions I've ever seen without even saying I love you, and the millennium kiss is further proof of how much they want each other. But I don't think they went any further than that until latter in the season. Yes, they where flirting a lot more but they weren't quite ready. Many think that All things was when they finally got thogether but for me was less about that and more about Mulder being the right choice for Scully and her finally accepting him wholeheartedly. I believe they got together somewhere after closure in the middle of season 7 but they were not completely sure what they were (specifically Scully) until after All things.

44. When did you first start watching the x files?

I started watching somewhere around 2011-2012 I think, there was a re-run marathon with the best of the x files on the fox Chanel and I remember the first episode I ever watched being Duane Barry, i was hooked from the beginning.

The funny thing is, that the first x files thing I ever saw was I want to believe, way before I started watching the show. I didn't even know it was based on a show. I didn't connect the dots until much later, Mainly because I originally watched the show with the latinoamerican Spanish dub so the title threw me off a little bit (the Spanish version is something like "The Secret Archives X", also the guys who worked on the dubs and subs where shippers and it shows).

[onelinemanytimes]

To all people who enjoy content:

There is a HUGE issue that needs to be addressed in how people react to things online and how they decide to deal with perceived issues. Specifically, in regards to content creators online, and the content they create.

I want to clarify, this post is talking for the most part about creators who did something multiple years ago that they currently don’t agree with. I’m not talking about people who are CURRENTLY horrible people, but if you want to know please do ask.

Basic synopsis: Purity culture is being used to shame people for their interests and to actively control and manipulate what people are “allowed” to like, which is often harmful and toxic; it is also being used to condemn people for the entire rest of their lives over doing something in their past, with no regards to if an apology was offered- which is harmful to people trying to unlearn toxic mindsets and be better people in the present day.

So, let’s talk about Purity Culture. I don’t know what else to call it, so if someone has a better name for it go ahead and say it- but, essentially, “The idea that every piece of media you consume must itself be good, AND has to have been made by a “good person”,” with no exceptions. This belief means that if a creator is seen as a bad person, or the media itself has a troubling aspect, you are NOT allowed to like it, DO NOT INTERACT, YOU’RE PROBLEMATIC AS HELL TOO IF YOU LIKE IT!!!!

That may sound like an exaggeration, but it’s only mildly so. There is, however, a much more harmful part to this mentality: Judging people for things they did years ago, and not allowing them to apologize and be forgiven, and USING this purity culture ideal against THEM as well. The idea that people can’t be forgiven, can’t change, and have to have been perfect always to be valid is extremely, extremely toxic and harmful, full stop. There are so many underlying issues that can both lead to someone being “problematic,” but that is so much less the issue than the fact doing this discourages real change.

People DO change over time. And if you find out someone did something in their past, you ARE allowed to not forgive them! However; That does NOT mean you should condemn them and everything they do as problematic horrible and unforgivable, and ATTACK other people and make WARNING posts in the tone of them STILL being “””Problematic”””! That is in some cases, BLATANT MISINFORMATION, and in most cases, encouraging the mentality that people don’t change.

Now, who is this a problem for? Because someone saying horrible things about minorities of any kind is legitimately harmful in its own right, and can hurt people who find it, which deserves to be addressed. (Again, YOU are not required to forgive them, and you have the freedom to not engage.) Purity Culture hurts People with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria), and people who cannot control what they hyperfixate on. It can ALSO harm people who are struggling to get past toxic mentalities for any reason, and people who are trying to improve themselves and be better., and people who HAVE improved themselves and gotten better after being a person with (arguably) horrible views.

For people who experience RSD, seeing people denounce a piece of media for “””Something problematic””” (creator or otherwise), and in some cases seeing people ATTACK those who enjoy that media, can be physically painful and extremely, extremely stressful. Especially with the prevalence of this mentality right now, it makes engaging with anything a VERY stressful experience, because if what you enjoy isn’t perfect in every way you will be shamed for it, and rejected for it, and actively hated for it, and there is NO compromise on that point.

This is twice as volatile an issue when you ALSO cannot wholly control what your brain hyperfixates on. Hyperfixation (the word) has two main uses; in regards to a single task/activity (in which you’re unable to pull yourself out of said task and cannot switch focus to anything else), and in regards to media consumption (having an intense, very focused interest in media or a character, that can feel very consuming and intense in some cases. This extends even MORE so to special interests).

 Hyperfixations in those who are neurodivergent (don’t think the same as the wider population- such as people with ADHD and Autism, amongst other things) are NOT typically something they can control. Not without exceptional effort and potential detriment- one of the fairly unfortunate coping mechanisms I have for this (speaking, yes, as someone with ADHD) is to Completely ignore new media, wholesale, to avoid gaining a hyperfixation in relation to that media. Even still, I obviously still SEE things because I exist in the world and things are everywhere- and while I can enjoy content normally, it is MUCH different when I see something and feel unable to focus on ANYTHING else for WEEKS on end.

You can hyperfixate on something before learning about “X problematic thing,” and then when you’ve already gotten very attached and deep into the media people will start attacking you with it! And saying “Oh, you like THAT??? That was made by a super problematic person, you can’t like that!!!” It’s EXTREMELY difficult to explain how harmful that is when I A: Can’t control it, B: Didn’t know, and C: Suffer from RSD in the first place. It DOES NOT stop you from engaging with the content, because you are hyperfixated on it and you literally can’t avoid it, but it DOES overwhelm you with guilt and make you withdraw from the people around you because now YOU must be problematic and horrible and you’re a horrible person for liking this media and everyone must HATE you.

The above was not an exaggeration. That is legitimately how it feels.

People are talking about how “Cringe Culture is dead,” but it being replaced by a MUCH more insidious “Purity Culture” that is MUCH MORE toxic, MUCH MORE manipulative, and also inherently flawed to begin with!!! You CAN’T and SHOULDN’T be a perfect person, that is why you CHANGE AND GROW. You should ALSO be judging a piece of media on its OWN merits, NOT on the merits of what’s behind it (not wholesale like people are intent on doing).

Now, all things in moderation. If a piece of media was created with malicious or biased opinions in its core: It IS important to address that, and to acknowledge that this aspect is not something you should support, and something to be mindful of when thinking about the content. It’s also good to be aware of how people currently are when participating in media spaces- you don’t have to be perfect at this, but if you don’t want to engage with things made by people who have horrible current views that is absolutely your choice.

However, this doesn’t excuse constantly shaming and attacking people, ESPECIALLY people who are aware of a media’s flaws and able to both recognize that and amend that in a respectful, understanding way. You can enjoy a story about a murderer without also being a murderer and knowing that murder is wrong. This extends to other actions as well by the way (and the desensitization of people to murder in modern day media is also a wild topic for another day because wow some people really be out here like “yeah literally ending someone’s life in fiction is fine but x is absolutely abhorrent and unforgivable,” like what??). 

The real thing here is, this: If you don’t like content, or you cannot in good conscience enjoy that content knowing about something that happened relating to it: Don’t interact! If you are for some reason, stuck participating in and interacting with something you personally feel is horrible, don’t shame and hurt other people for more honestly enjoying it, especially the good parts. What you CAN do is inform people, respectfully!

And with ALL the details please. Because I see a lot of times, especially with creators: Someone will dig up something the creator said years ago and say, “THIS CREATOR IS (X) YOU CAN’T SUPPORT THEM OR ENJOY WHAT THEY MAKE BECAUSE IT’S PROBLEMATIC!!!” And, actually: They have since apologized for what they said, and actively made efforts to change. “But they did it in the past” Is NOT a valid argument, and honestly?? If you’re the same person you were even two years ago, that’s wild, and I hope you’ll understand that some people can change drastically in that time after being properly informed about issues.

Again: If you don’t want to interact with a piece of media, okie dokie! It’s up to us to respect that, and to tag our stuff and not shove it down your throat, y’know? But maybe, if you don’t like something, you shouldn’t decide to hurt the people who do like it, because I think that’s pretty harmful, and man imagine someone digging into your life 3 years ago and finding one sentence you said to judge your entire life on and force people to hate you with. Haha that’d suck, right?

If you read all this wow thanks, and also I’m well aware most my fellows with ADHD probably skimmed it because yeah it is a lot man whoops- I’ve just been thinking about it for a while because yeah. Yeah. “I do not control the hyperfixation” is not just a funny meme y’all it’s a thing and it’s legitimately exhausting and painful to see everything you enjoy be hated and be told you’re wrong for liking it in any way, shape, or form.

[fluffi]

MY DETENTION BUDDY :: JAY

pairing: jay x gn!reader genre: fluff, badboy!jay, highschool!au, friends-enemies-lovers!au word count: 2k event: for @lovesick-net​​ and (early) jay day 200421 <3 author’s note: simple little one-shot for jay’s birthday (i wont be uploading anything for his actual birthday). i had to speedrun this fic because i kept changing the plot and this hasnt been proofread twice (unlike my other fics) T-T i hope it’ll still work out. warnings: (reader makes one bad decision)

Ring...ring...ring...ring..ring…

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring

Ringringringringiringringringring.

RIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRRI-SLAM!

The alarm clock stopped its boisterous wailing

10 more minutes. I don’t have to style my hair today.

Thirty minutes passed.

RIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRIRI- SLAM!

Ugh. I’ll just miss assembly.

RIRIRIIRRIRIRI-

This time, the ringing stopped before he could slam his hand over the alarm clock.

“Jongseong, do you not have school today?” Jay could only make out a bush of black that stood above him as he sat up, dazed and drowsy.

“Yeah, I do. I’m about to get ready. Why?”

“It’s 9 am! You should be at school! At this point, you don’t even have to go anymore.” His mother huffed in disappointment.

It was an exaggeration, but she had a point. School started at eight in the morning. It was already an hour later but he was still sitting in bed.

“I’ll get ready now. 10 minutes. Good to go.” He shooed his mom away, already running to the bathroom to wash up.

“I’m leaving now Jay. You know darn well that I have an important meeting today and I can’t miss it just for you to not get a tardy. Heck, you’re already late! You’re-”

“Mom! I can’t walk to school! It takes too long.” Jay whined as he brushed his teeth, his muffled voice interrupting his mother’s speech.

“Young man, stop interrupting me. I told you a week ago about today’s event and it’s not my fault that my oldest son can’t take care of himself. You’re going to have to take another mode of transport, you’re old enough to deal with this yourself!” With that, his mother stormed out of his room, her feet obnoxiously thumping on the floor.

“I’m also your only son...” Jay muttered. 

Of all days, why did she have to have her meeting today? Monthly evaluations aren’t that important. Dangit, I should’ve been taught how to drive. Jay returned to his rapid multitasking, grabbing his school uniform while washing his face. He didn’t even look twice,

After taking the quickest shower he had ever taken in his entire life and shoving all of his essential (what he determined as essential, at least) belongings into his bag, he opened to door and dashed outside only to be met with…

Rain.

Rain everywhere. Drenching the front yard’s perfectly tended flower garden and creating heaps of watery mud. It was pouring at 9.15 am. There was thunder and occasional flashes of light zooming through the clouds. The city was in shambles.

Not like, shamble, shambles. It was shambles in Jay’s opinion as he groaned and stomped his way through the rain.

Screw school. Screw this stupid rain, screw my alarm clock, screw this-

“Dude, why are you running in the rain? You’re soaked. Are you heading to school?” A pink-haired boy in a red Ferrari shouted from across the street.

Jay sighed in relief, immediately running across the road to said Ferrari. “Choi Yeonjun. You are a life-saver. Could I get a ride real quick? I’ll pay back for engine fees and for soaking the inside of your Ferrari with rainwater.”

“Hop right in, and don’t worry about returning. Let’s have some fun with this baby.” Yeonjun smirked and revved the engine, swerving past cars and buildings like it was a little RPG game.

At this rate, I’ll make it to school in no time.

“Dude, I’m so sorry. I guess you have to walk.”

Just as he thought things were taking a better turn, Yeonjun decides to show off his new driving skills and zooms through roads at a rapid speed, so fast that he crashed the car by a tree. It was a miracle that both of them didn’t get hurt but as far as Jay was concerned, he could worry about that some other time. This was just slowing him down on his long and tedious journey towards his form of hell.

On the bright side, the rain had stopped and the sunshine was back as if nothing had happened.

“I’ll get going to school.” Jay internally groaned and started sprinting in the direction of his school.

“Hey, at least I helped you get closer to school! Didn’t I?” Yeonjun shouted from behind and coyly smiled.

Such a boastful punk, Jay thought. “Whatever, bro!” He turned back and gave his older friend a quick wave before dashing off.

“Park Jongseong! You’re late...again.”

“I’m aware.” Jay didn’t spare his English teacher an eye and slung his backpack over the chair, about to take a seat.

“Stop giving me attitude, I’m your teacher.Why are you tardy for the fourth time this month?”

“Alarm clock.”

“Alarm clock what? Are you afraid to speak up? I don’t see you acting like this in the hallways.”

Jay looked down at his feet and sighed before side-eyeing his teacher. “Overslept, okay? Sir if you could just let me off the hook you would be able to proceed with your Shakespeare nonsense.”

The entire class snickered. It was no secret that Jay loathed Mr. Jung, the English teacher. Who didn’t? Mr. Jung treated every student in school like they were incapable toddlers and it was a wonder that anyone would dare to stand up to his stupid remarks. Jay’s carefree attitude towards his horrible teachers was one of the reasons why he earned so many fangirls.

Not like you were one, of course. You watched as he pulled his chair out and sat next to you out of the three other vacant seats at the back of the class.

Mr. Jung rolled his eyes and continued writing on the blackboard. “Also, Jongseong,” he added, “you’re wearing your school shirt the wrong way round. See you in detention for your tardiness.”

A few of the girls in a few seats in front of him whispered rapidly, although whispering didn’t stop Jay from finding out about their gossip.

“Lol! So much for being the bad boy of our grade. He looks like a wreck today.”

“I know right? I wonder what the other fangirls will think of this. Should we send the pictures to the fan club?”

The second girl giggled. “Yeah, duh. Name it jay-park-wreck-images.”

So much for my reputation. Jay could only roll his eyes as he pulled out his supplies, ignoring the camera clicks coming from the seats in front of him.

“Oh, yay. At least I’ll have a detention buddy now.”

Jay eyed you up and down like your statement was some sort of monstrosity. “Detention? You, detention? Pfft.” He laughed.

“Yeah, Jay. Me, detention. Why are you so happy about it? Glad to be stuck with another girl?”

“What, no-no. You just...don’t seem like the type to be in detention. How’d you get it?”

“This..may be kind of embarrassing, but...” You turned to the side and Jay gasped.

On the sleeve of your uniform was a...rabbit? It wasn’t too obvious as to what the marker doodle was but it was apparent that you had intentionally spent time to draw on it.

“Look, I was bored in assembly this morning and found a spare marker in my pocket! Don’t judge, we all know how bad assembly can be.” You blurted just as Jay was about to ask why you had done what you did.

“You could’ve just drawn on your hand or done something else with the marker.” Jay sighed and shook his head at your dumb decision.

“I was out of my mind, okay? Ugh, Assembly always drives me nuts. I got called out for for the horrendous ink bleed when Mr. Jung saw as I walked into the classroom. He said it ‘didn’t follow school guidelines’.”

“For once, I agree with Mr. Jung. It was a stupid choice, you know? If you didn’t draw on your uniform then you wouldn’t have to go to detention now.”

“Jay Park, the bad boy of school, is telling me to be a rule abider. Biggest twist of the century.” You rolled your eyes.

Jay frowned and turned back at you, losing that little spark in his eyes that he once kept. “I’m not a bad boy you know? I just don’t like the system in place here.”

“As if anyone is going to believe that. Go hang out with another girl of yours. I’m not here to be your toy.”

“People like you are the reason why everyone thinks I’m a bad person. I thought you were different, you know?”

You had been preoccupied with taking notes for class, but now you looked at him with squinted eyes. “Well, I am different. Different as In someone who doesn’t fall for your useless charms. Go suck up to your fangirls or something.”

Jay rolled his eyes and scooted away from you. He thought he had been lucky to meet you, but he guessed not.

You always do this, you idiot. You were so close to making a new friend.

You put your hands in your head and side-eyed Jay, who seemed to be struggling as Mr. Jung blurted out an entire unit’s summary.

The boy hadn’t brought any stationery and was definitely on the wrong page of the textbook. You figured that he was this disheveled from his absolute lack of planning but you still felt bad.

His hair was a mess, it was still damp from the rain before. If only you could help him style it…

Why do I want to touch his hair? That’s weird and gross.

You were so occupied with thinking about Jay that you realized that he was still struggling in class.

Maybe you could make things better.

“I’m sorry.”

Jay was struggling to find the page you guys were on for class when a pencil blocked his view.

“What do you want?” He said as he tried to look past your pencil swinging.

“It’s a pencil for you since I realized that your table is practically empty and you’re going to need something to take notes with for later. Also, it’s page 153, not 53.” You leaned over to help him flip the pages.

“Oh, that makes so much more sense. I was wondering why we were relearning unit 3 when finals aren’t even near yet.”

You raised your eyebrows, looking up at a relieved Jay. “So you do pay attention in class.”

“Of course I do! I’m a student. You should stop using that stereotype on me.” Jay frowned and a tinge of disappointment shadowed his face.

“Right, I know. I’m sorry. I’m trying to work on it, it’s rumors and assumptions that have built up over the past few years and I understand that it shouldn’t get in the way of our friendship.”

“Friendship? We have a friendship?” Jay chuckled and cocked an eyebrow up, teasing you.

Maybe it was that eyebrow slit or the weird tension that was building up between the both of you. You felt your face heat up. “I mean- yeah, friendship. Are we not friends?”

“I don’t know, hun. I thought we were something more.”

“Um...best...friends?”

It was perfect timing as the bell rang and you immediately started packing things into your bag, eyes glued to the clock instead of the amused boy next to you.

Jay laughed, running his hands through his blonde locks and watching as you started running out of class, your eyes occasionally looking back at him to see if he was still staring at you.

“See you in detention!” He called, drawing the attention of your classmates.

Jay Park needs to learn how to shut his mouth. Everyone was now staring at you and you were flustered, embarrassed, shocked, and confused. The weird mix of emotions were driving you nuts. All you could muster was a little nod and you dashed out of there as fast as you could.

“Today we’re going to learn about Murphy’s Law. It is where anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”

“But everything that can work, will work.” Jay raised his hand and added, sparing a glance at you jotting notes in the back of the classroom, oblivious to his reference towards you.

“You’re right Jay. Murphy’s Law works both ways. Reversing it is considered part of science…”

Today morning was a storm (figuratively and literally) and everything seemed to be going wrong for Jay. Murphy’s Law prevails. but there’s always a rainbow after the storm. You were his rainbow and his lucky charm.

2021 © fluffi

[ianthe-is-a-bitch-and-i-love-her]

On Family

An excerpt from Memoirs of a Flesh Eater, never published

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One question that I see asked in the news a lot is why there are still any ghouls left. We have a distinctive, high-impact feeding habit that requires us to stay within human society, where we are both outnumbered and outgunned. This has essentially been the case since the development of automatic firearms, and you’ve continued to develop more and more effective methods of killing us since then. How are we not extinct?

The talking heads always have lurid theories to propose. My personal favorite one, which comes up every couple of years or so, is that the government is secretly breeding us so that they have an excuse to send secret police out into the general populace for nefarious purposes pretending to be exterminators. As if they’d need the excuse {Editing Note: I’ve gotta keep my political views out of this except where they directly pertain to ghouls. No unnecessarily alienating people}. The most commonly accepted one seems to be that we just have a lot of children to compensate for our high mortality rate. Spatha calls that an R strategy, I think. Scarlet calls it the Rabbit Theory. Whatever you call it, it’s wrong. Our species has survived off the strength and compassion of our families.

Contrary to popular impressions, our “nuclear” families are pretty small. My understanding is that 1-4 children is the typical range. I’m the only confirmed only child in my friend group. Scarlet’s the youngest of three, Scorpio’s a middle child, Spatha avoids talking about her home life, and Kestrel doesn’t know her biological parents. There’s a couple of pressures that keep our family sizes small. First, it’s challenging to feed too many ghouls at once, especially ghoul children, who we don’t want worrying about where they’re going to get their meals. Second, the majority of ghoul parents are going to end up as single parents before their kids are fully grown. Either one of them is going to get killed, or they’re going to have to separate to go on the run from the exterminators; and, of course, we do still break up and get divorced sometimes.

These pressures are exaggerated by our general lack of an extended family. It’s not that all of our aunts and uncles get hunted down - even if they did, we’d still have cousins - but it’s not safe for us to have traceable extended families. When exterminators identify a ghoul, the first thing they do is put out a bulletin for all known blood relatives. The most common tactic to avoid this is, when multiple siblings make it to adulthood, at least one of them changes their identity and moves away. This isn’t always done, but it’s done often enough that document forging is a widespread and well-respected profession in the Society. It’s useful for dodging exterminators in other circumstances too. My mom and I changed our names and moved cities after exterminators killed my dad when I was 4.

Between that and the sheer number of out-and-out orphans in our Society, it should come as no surprise that we’ve developed a new family structure to fill in the gaps. The terminology we use for this structure is variable, but the term I’ve always used is “household”. A household is a sort of adopted extended family, typically formed by and centered around one particularly resourceful ghoul called a patron. The patron takes whichever ghouls they choose under their wing, introduces them to each other, and helps them coordinate their talents and resources so that they all have everything they need. Most obviously, this means making sure they all have a supply of flesh, but there are numerous other kinds of support a household can provide. I doubt I need to emphasize again how valuable a reliable source of companionship and safety is, but patrons typically have access to connections and contacts that can help the other members of the household accomplish their goals.

My household, for example, was founded by our patron Yaga. It consists of her, her adopted daughter Kestrel, my mom and I, my friends Scarlet and Scorpio and their immediate families, and four other older ghouls. There’s also Spatha, who has been reluctant to fully join the household but acts like a member in most contexts. Three of our members have reliable flesh sources, and Yaga coordinates with other ghouls to find supplementary sources to ensure that she always has a surplus on hand. This keeps all of us well-fed and lets her distribute the rest to those in need in exchange for favors and cachet that the rest of us can use for our own advancement. In turn, the rest of us pitch in for odd jobs here and there, mostly on flesh-gathering jobs of one kind or another, and we look out for each other. I’ve done a bit of babysitting with Kestrel, for example, and Yaga was able to get me and Scarlet summer jobs to save up for college.

Babysitting, by the way, is one of the most valuable services a household can provide to a ghoul parent. Given our mortality rate, it probably isn’t a surprise that there’s a good bit of cultural pressure to have children, and have them quick. Ghoul children are… a lot. When we’re newborn, we’re pretty much like human babies. Ghoul babies can nurse from ghoul mothers for awhile, which is a relief. They need to switch to flesh before their teeth come in, though, so that means flesh slurry, which is more complicated to make than you might think. For best results, you want a mix of blood, muscle tissue, organ tissue, and bone, especially marrow. We get better at pulling all our nutrients from just flesh as we mature, but babies aren’t as developed. Getting those varied tissues is a little more complicated than just getting flesh. Bone especially is challenging - more mature ghouls have no need for it, and it’s honestly kinda gross. You just have to hope that whoever you’re getting flesh from can start holding some bones for you. Not every source has easy access to bones. 

{Editing Note: I think I wrote bone too many times - it looks fake now. Bone. Bone.}

We get our ghoul teeth at the same time as our baby teeth. Our ghoul teeth fall out and are replaced too, but we keep growing new ones our whole lives, kinda like sharks. Funnily enough, I don’t think we grow extra human teeth, which seems like a strange way for evolution to take us, but what do I know, I’m not a biologist. At that point we can start eating regular flesh, and parents have the unenviable task of explaining to toddlers that they can’t just slide their teeth out whenever they want. Our other features come in a bit later - claws between 4 and 6, eyes with puberty. Let me tell you, the claws hurt coming in. I couldn’t hold a pencil for a month. My mom told the elementary school that I was deathly sick so she could keep me home, but I think Scarlet just pretended he’d broken both his hands and went in splints. I don’t envy him - stretching my claws did a lot to relieve the pain.

I’ll admit freely that, by our standards, I had a pretty charmed childhood. I fit into human society pretty easily, I had a mom who loved me and could provide for me, a patron and household to help pick up the slack, and ghoul friends my own age. I had the discipline to keep my true nature hidden from my human peers, and I don’t think I was even particularly traumatized by the pressure of performing humanity that much. I can safely attribute that to the fact that I had safe spaces throughout my life to let the charade drop. Most ghouls at least have that. Most, but not all.

Our integration into human society also means that we inevitably become entangled in human society. We become invested in the lives of our human peers, we befriend them, care about them. Sometimes we fall in love with them. Eating people seems like kind of a big secret to keep from a potential romantic partner - I certainly couldn’t manage it - but some ghouls form romantic relationships with humans nonetheless. Maybe some of these human partners eventually discover the truth and are willing to overlook it for the person they love, but I doubt it happens often. I’ve certainly never heard of it. I’ve heard of it going the other way, though, a human partner discovering the truth and reacting poorly. Someone always dies when that happens. I personally know a few ghouls who’ve dated humans, or are seriously involved with them. Frankly, it scares the hell out of me. I get that the heart wants what it wants, but some wants aren’t worth the risk.

{Editing Note: That last line feels… tense. Emotionally charged. Why? And should I change it?}

In my opinion, the gravest of these risks is what happens when a human and a ghoul decide they want to build a life together, but kids are already in the equation. The human-ghoul mixed family is probably the most toxic environment that a ghoul child could be raised in and conceivably survive. All that pressure of hiding your true nature from your peers as you grow up? That feeling of isolation that follows you everywhere you go among humans? All of the most crushing emotional turmoil I’ve described in this book so far? Imagine if there was no relief for that even at home with your family. I frankly have no idea how ghoul parents manage to feed themselves and their children without being caught, or how they manage to perform humanity so flawlessly and constantly that their literal immediate family never catches on. I don’t know how those children manage to survive to adulthood, but I imagine they have some seriously fucked up mental health problems by the time they do. Factor in the suspicion that they would inevitably face from our Society when they finally are able to join it properly - after all, who more likely to become a Judas or be Lost than a ghoul raised by humans? - and I’d be willing to bet most of them don’t make it out of their twenties.

Before we move on entirely from families in general and mixed families in particular, I’d like to take a quick aside to talk about “half-ghouls”. You hear about them in horror media fairly often, the biological child of a human and a ghoul. Authors love to ascribe all sorts of traits to these hypothetical creatures - greater and more monstrous than the sum of their parts, supernaturally strong and vicious, impossible to detect within human society, sometimes with traits that are blatantly impossible, like telepathy or mind control or just plain magic. All of that is obviously untrue, but it’s something of a point of contention as to whether or not a “half-ghoul” is even possible. None of the ghouls I’ve talked to seem to agree about whether it can happen, and a search of human medical literature was similarly inconclusive. Humans, at least, seem to think that it might be theoretically possible, but have never been able to verify it by observation or by medical experiment. Of the ghouls I know that have been romantically involved with humans, none of them have ever gotten a kid out of it. It’s one of those things where we just don’t know. If it were possible, I’m not even sure what the implications would be.