#especially because it gets worse when i isolate myself

[girlthativealwaysbeen]

sometimes i miss talking to that one person who didn't NEVER turned it into a competition about who has it worse and never told me well atleast you have [x]

[darnell-la]

Logan in a rut has me brain rotted. I’d love if you could write something about this. I think he would try and isolate himself not matter what but it gets to the point where he can’t hold back anymore and needs relief. Idk if he would be more possessive and rough or if he would end up whiny and desperate almost subby.

note: this is a younger Logan Howlett who ends up a bit subby. he would 100% beg the reader to help him because he would be too embarrassed and shy to just man up and dominate her (we have different thoughts of Logan almost every day).

we will be worrying more rut!logan once we get caught up with our college work. we wanna make bro nasty…

———

Logan’s time has come. He hoped it wouldn’t show, but every day that passed, it gets worse. The first day, all he had to do was rub one out, but after the second, he knew he was fucked.

He couldn’t help himself. He fucked his pillow. The man was beyond fucked up that night. He had ripped his pillow open with his claws and buried his cock inside, moaning the girl's name like he’s never before.

Y/n and Logan had been friends for years. A little flirting here and there happens. They might even get a bit touchy but never have they sat and talked about what they were. Especially since the man was known for keeping his flirt up with Jean.

Logan wasn’t surprised when the only person he could think of was y/n. She was pretty, her body always sent a shock through his own, her eyes would have him lost in seconds, and she was the only one around here with common sense.

At times, he hated all those good things about her. Like now. He’s sitting across from her in the kitchen, watching her sip on her drink and watch YouTube on her phone.

All the innocent things she does, makes him so damn hard. He can’t help himself. “G-Goodnight,” Logan said as he got up to leave. He needed to rub one out again. Maybe he’d sneak into her room and cum on her sheets. He needed something that was close enough to her.

“Aw, I was gonna ask if you could walk and get some wood with me, but I’ll get it myself. Goodnight, Logan!” She smiled at the man before he turned the corner, needing to get out of there.

He hoped he could get himself to go upstairs without struggling. Without turning back around to beg Y/n, he couldn’t hold it after her thought of her saying she’d be getting wood tonight.

It’s been almost an hour, and Logan is sitting on the stairs, cock pulsing through his thick jeans. He swore his balls were blue already.

He almost got up to get this over with and grab y/n, pulling her somewhere to at least cum on her face, but he heard the lights cut off in the kitchen.

He peaked around the corner, seeing y/n walk down the hallway and out of the mansion to do her night walk for some wood.

“Fuck,” the man groaned, already thinking of how good he’ll be feeling once he gets his hands on her. He needed to touch her. It’s only been a few short days, but he can’t control it anymore.

The man stalked behind y/n, making sure she wouldn’t sense anything behind her as she walked through the woods with a huge bag to carry back a few dry sticks.

Logan shook his head at the sight of her headphones, knowing she couldn’t hear a thing around her. This was a safe place, but now that he was going through this feeling from hell, it wasn’t anymore. At least for her.

Y/n placed her bag down and took her headphones out before picking up thick and dry wood that she could use for the fire tomorrow night. The way she sang, only made the man want her more. He needed her now.

“Hey, y/n?” Logan spoke, making y/n jump from the unexpected presence of someone else. “Oh, god! Hey, Logan,” the girl smiled up at him as he walked towards her, looking down.

“I-I know this is kind of a weird time, but I need to ask you a question,” Logan said, feeling nervous now that she’s right here. “Yes, ask me anything,” she smiled as she shifted her body towards him.

“Fuck, I — Y/n, I’m going rough a rut,” the man blurted out. This was not a part of his plan. He was going to turn y/n around and shove his cock in her mouth before carrying her back to the mansion, but now he’s stuck.

“Oh — I-I don’t really know what that means, but I can still help you,” she said. “Y/n, it hurts,” the man spoke. His voice came off as a beg which made y/n feel sad for him, even though she had no idea what hurt.

“What is it, Lo? Tell me, and I’ll help you,” she went to get up, but Logan stepped towards her and placed a hand on her head, softly pushing her back down. “It hurts,” the man shifted her head just a little, making her realize his print was right in front of her face.

“Logan,” she said, loss of words at the sight of how hard his cock tried fighting through his jeans. “I-I don’t know what to do about that. Maybe take some pills. Cool it down?” She suggested, but he shook his head.

“Need you, y/n. I need you,” the man said low, needing her to touch him. “I-“ the girl cut herself off, taking a deep dive into her thoughts. The man sounded like he was in horrible pain. He was a friend, so this wouldn’t be bad, right?

“Okay, but I don’t know if it’ll help,” she said, not knowing that this would be more than enough. Y/n slowly reached up to unbuckle his belt. She could see his legs shaking a little from how nervous he was.

He had no idea what came over him. At first, he was going to get what he wanted. Use her like an animal, but now — Seeing her like this and willing to help him, made him feel better. She was going to take care of him.

“P-Please hurry,” the man begged as her hands slid down his clothes cock through his boxers after his shorts fell to his knees. “Did you cum?” Y/n asked, confused but the wet patch was only pre cum. A lot of pre cum.

“P-Please, y/n, fuck,” the man balled his fists, trying to keep himself from crumbling right then and there. He needed to leak in her mouth. No place else. Only her mouth.

“Okay, okay,” y/n worried as she finally pulled his cock out, and god, was he hurting. The veins that covered his cock, showed like crazy. His tip was sticky. His balls were stiff and ready to explode.

“Baby, please!” The man begged louder. Y/n quickly wrapped her lips around his cock and sunk down to take him all in. Well, as much as she could. He was very big.

“G-God,” the man breathed out as his head tilted back. “Oh my god, thank you. Thank you so fuckin’ much, baby,” Logan covered his face with his hands as his heart raised, feeling himself close.

“Oh, fuck, baby — yes,” the man moaned as she quickens her paste, slurping and coating his cock with her spit as she sucked a big roughly.

“Baby, please, let me cum. P-Please, I need to cum,” the man begged, wanting her to decide what he could do. Y/n nodded her head, not knowing what else to do, but she wanted him to cum. Have wanted to make him feel better.

“T-Thank you,” Logan moans loudly as his col twitched, spilling down the girl's throat. Y/n continued, sucking the man as his eyes crossed from the feeling of her emptying his sack.

“G-God,” he couldn’t keep himself together. She was so good at this. He wished he could have this every night before he went to bed.

“S-So good, y/n. So fuckin’ good,” the man let the woman know how great she was. Y/n’s glossy eyes looked up at him, feeling herself grow wet, but she knew she could deal with it herself.

“Get up, baby. Needa takes you back to my room,” Logan pulled y/n to her feet. Confused, the young lady allowed him to throw her over his shoulders.

“I can smell you, and I don’t want to leave you leaking for the night,” Logan said as he walked back towards the mansion. “I’ll be fine, Logan. I-I need to head to bed,” y/n spoke, a bit nervous about this all.

She thought that after she did him this small favor, that would be it. He had other plans. He wasn’t letting her go.

“You’ll sleep with me tonight. Tomorrow we’ll move your stuff to my room so you can sleep there every night,” the man thought way further than she thought.

“I don’t know if we can do that. We’ll have to tell Charles about our shared room, meaning everyone has to know, and I don’t know-“ she tried saying, but he cut her off.

“Baby, please. I’m fine with everyone knowing about what happened tonight. I can’t ignore how much I need you anymore,” Logan admitted.

“What if this happened again? What if I couldn’t walk to you from how hard I was? You do this to me, baby, so I need your help — I need you,”

Y/n sighed to herself then accepted what he wanted. Logan gave the girl a small peck on her side as he continued walking towards the mansion.

[daringtoeatapeach]

it’s all the same it all repeats and it does that because I never move forward. I make the same mistakes and I allow myself to fuck up and fuck up and fuck up and sink into all the consequences and it doesn’t even scare me, it just makes me feel hollow. my whole body is weighed down today for the stupidest reasons but I am so used to being weighed down that I am just sinking into it

[paddockletters]

shattered hearts | lando norris

pairing: lando norris x reader

summary: you break free from a toxic relationship, embarking on an exhilarating journey of self-discovery

warning: emotional abuse, infidelity, toxic relationship, angst

author's note:this was hard, so hard omg... as I always say, english is not my first language so sorry me if there are mistakes —feel free to tell me— and my requests are open!👀

I met Lando when we were barely out of high school. Back then, he was just a kid with dreams and a mischievous smile that made you feel like you were the only one in the world that mattered. For a while, I believed that was true. But as the years went by, I learned that Lando's smile wasn’t mine alone—it was shared with others, stolen moments behind my back. And somehow, I was always the one left picking up the pieces.

Our relationship was a whirlwind, the couple everyone thought would either crash or last forever. We did crash—over and over again. But somehow, Lando always found a way to convince me to come back.

“I’m sorry,” he’d say, voice low and pleading after one of his inevitable affairs. “But you know you’re my number one, right? None of them matter like you do.”

He’d wrap his arms around me, pull me close, and somehow, I’d believe him. I had to because after eight years of being with him, I didn’t know who I was without him.

The first time he cheated, I was devastated. It was in his early F1 days, just as his fame started to sink in. He swore it was a one-time thing that it didn’t mean anything. And like a fool, I believed him. But it didn’t stop. It never stopped. There was always another girl, another excuse, another lie wrapped up in the promise that I was still the "main one."

One particular night, I remember the argument that nearly broke us for good. Lando had been out late, and I found out through a mutual friend that he had been seen with another girl. Again. When he came home, reeking of alcohol and guilt, I confronted him.

“You said you were going to change, Lando!” I yelled, tears streaming down my face. “You promised me, over and over again, but nothing ever changes!”

“Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You always come back. You always forgive me,” he shot back, arms crossed, his face a mask of irritation.

His words stung like a slap to the face. I wanted to scream, to leave right then and there. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Because a part of me still loved him, or maybe it was the idea of him—the boy I met before the fame, before the lies.

As the years rolled on, our friends saw the cracks. One night during a get-together at a bar, I tried to put on a brave face. I thought maybe if I acted normal, I could convince myself everything was fine. But when Jess pulled me aside, her expression serious, I knew I couldn’t hide anymore.

“Why do you keep letting him treat you like this?” she asked, frustration evident in her voice. “You deserve so much better, and he’s just going to keep doing this until you realize it.”

“Maybe he’ll change. I can’t just throw away eight years,” I replied defensively. “We have a history.”

“You mean a history of him cheating on you? You have to stop putting up with this, or you’re going to lose yourself,” she insisted, shaking her head.

I didn’t have an answer for her, not really. I just wanted to believe that things would get better. That Lando would see how much I cared and finally choose me over everyone else.

Our mutual friends began to pick sides. Some supported me, while others were loyal to Lando. It was suffocating, a constant tug-of-war that made everything feel so much worse. I felt more isolated than ever, even when surrounded by people.

Then there was the jealousy. Lando was incredibly possessive, especially with his fellow drivers. During one race weekend, I was talking to Charles, who had just finished his session. Lando walked in, and his eyes darkened.

“Why are you always chatting up the other drivers?” he snapped, pulling me aside as Charles walked away, giving us a questioning look.

“Because they’re my friends, Lando! Just because you’re in F1 doesn’t mean I can’t talk to anyone else. You’re not my warden,” I shot back, feeling the anger rise in my chest.

“Don’t act like I’m overreacting. You know how it looks,” he hissed, jaw clenched, frustration bubbling beneath the surface.

I knew he was being unreasonable, but I was too exhausted to fight back. Our friends watched the tension build, hoping to intervene. I overheard Max once whisper to Lando.

“You need to chill, mate. You’re pushing her away.”

But Lando always had an excuse for everything, often deflecting blame onto me.

“You just don’t understand how this world works!” he’d shout, leaving me feeling small and defeated.

The cycle continued, and I found myself in the same painful arguments over and over. One night, after he came home late from a party, I had finally reached my breaking point.

“Do you even care about how I feel?” I shouted, my voice echoing through our apartment. “You’re always out with other girls! How am I supposed to trust you?”

“I told you, you’re the main one! None of them matter!” he retorted, but his words felt hollow to me.

We spent that night in silence, and I knew I had to make a decision. I just didn’t know how to let go.

The more time passed, the more I began to distance myself from Lando. Therapy helped. I began to see the truth behind his words and actions. The way he manipulated me, made me feel guilty for his mistakes. The way he made it seem like I was the one at fault for staying, like I was to blame for the pain he caused me.

During one therapy session, I shared my frustrations.

“I don’t know why I keep coming back to him. He’s hurt me so many times, and I just can’t let go.”

The therapist asked me one simple question: “Do you love him, or are you just scared of being without him?”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t know the answer.

One evening after another brutal fight, I finally left. For good this time. I packed my bags while he watched, silent for once. Maybe he thought I’d come back, just like I always did. But this time was different. I walked out the door, leaving behind eight years of memories, both good and bad.

The nights were long and lonely, and I often found myself thinking about the happy moments we had. One flashback struck me particularly hard: it was the first time he had taken me to the paddock during a race weekend, and we laughed like kids as he showed me around.

“Can you believe this is my life now?” he had said, beaming with pride. “I never would have thought I’d be racing in F1.”

“I always knew you could do it,” I replied, squeezing his hand.

But now, those memories felt tainted, and I needed to focus on myself. It wasn’t easy. There were nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering if I had made the right decision. But with time, and with the help of my therapist, I started to heal. I began to see that I deserved better, that I deserved someone who would love me the way I had always wanted Lando to.

One evening, after finally leaving Lando for good, I found myself at a racing event with friends. It was a chance to distract myself from the whirlwind of emotions I was navigating. As I wandered through the paddock, I was drawn to the sound of laughter.

“Are you lost, or just overwhelmed by all this?” a smooth voice asked. I turned to see Pato O'Ward, the charming IndyCar driver, grinning at me. His eyes sparkled with warmth, and for the first time in a long time, I felt a flicker of something hopeful.

“I guess a little bit of both,” I replied, smiling back.

“Come on, I’ll show you around,” he offered, his energy contagious. As we walked through the paddock, he shared stories about his racing experiences and the thrill of competing. It felt so refreshing to be around someone who was passionate and genuine, without the weight of expectations or drama.

Days turned into weeks, and I found myself spending more time with Pato. He was everything I had needed—funny, respectful, and utterly devoted. He listened to me, understood my past, and never once made me feel like I was in a competition for his attention.

One night, after a thrilling race, he took me to a quiet spot overlooking the track. “You know,” he said, “I’ve been thinking a lot about how important it is to find someone who truly sees you. I see you, and I want to be that person.”

His words resonated deep within me, filling the void Lando had left. In that moment, I knew I had found something special with Pato, something I had longed for but never thought I could have.

Meanwhile, Lando had his own set of problems. He was still juggling relationships, using his charm to keep people around while juggling jealousy over his fellow drivers. I heard from our mutual friends that he was still stuck in the same toxic patterns, always in and out of relationships, always claiming that I was the one who got away.

I remember a race weekend when Charles and Lando got into an argument. I was watching from the sidelines with Pato when Charles approached me, concern etched on his face.

“Are you okay? I know things with Lando have been… complicated,” he said, his gaze shifting to Lando, who was across the paddock, still fuming.

“I’m fine, really. I’ve moved on,” I assured him, but I could see the doubt in his eyes.

Later that evening, I got a message from Lando, who had obviously overheard the chatter.

“I know you’re happy with him, but you’re still mine. You always come back to me, remember?”

It took everything in me not to respond. I had a new life now, a new partner who respected me and didn’t cheat. Lando’s words were just echoes of the past.

Fast forward to our wedding day. I stood in front of the mirror, adjusting my veil, my heart racing with excitement. Pato had become my rock, my partner in every sense of the word. I knew this was the right choice, and my heart was finally at peace.

Then, my phone buzzed. It was a message from Lando.

“I heard you’re getting married. Just wanted to say, I hope you’re happy. But I still think about you. We could’ve had it all, you know.”

I stared at the message, my heart pounding. For a moment, I considered replying. But then I remembered all the sleepless nights, the tears, the heartbreak, and all the promises he had broken.

“Too late,” I typed back, hitting send before I could second-guess myself.

As I walked down the aisle, Pato’s face lit up with joy, and I couldn’t help but smile back. When he took my hands in his, I felt a sense of completeness I hadn’t known in years.

The ceremony was beautiful, I felt a sense of completeness I hadn’t felt in years. When Pato took my hands in his, I knew I was finally moving forward.

As we exchanged vows, Lando’s presence lingered in the back of my mind, but I let it go.

“I promise to love you through every challenge and to celebrate every victory,” he said, his eyes shining with sincerity.

“I promise to choose you every day for the rest of my life,” I replied, my voice steady and full of conviction.

We sealed our vows with a kiss, and I felt liberated. Lando was no longer my story; I was the author of my own life now, and it was a beautiful beginning with Pato. With him by my side, I was ready to embrace the future we would build together, thriving in a relationship based on trust, respect, and love.

As time passed, I learned to appreciate the small moments—the laughter, the late-night talks, the shared dreams of a future together. Pato supported my passions and encouraged me to pursue my own ambitions, something I had never fully experienced before.

One day, I received a message from Max: “Lando’s been a mess since your wedding. He didn’t handle it well.”

I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of satisfaction. He had always taken me for granted, and now, he was the one left behind.

I hoped Lando would find peace eventually, but I also knew I couldn’t go back to the pain of our past. Pato was everything I needed, and I was determined to focus on our life together.

As our first anniversary approached, Pato planned a surprise getaway. “I want to celebrate us, everything we’ve built,” he said, a bright smile on his face.

We traveled to a beautiful beach destination, where we spent our days relaxing, laughing, and simply enjoying each other’s company. One night, under a sky full of stars, Pato took my hand and said, “You’ve changed my life for the better. I want to keep building this amazing life with you.”

I couldn’t hold back my tears. “You’ve shown me what real love looks like, Pato. I’m so grateful for you.”

His expression softened as he leaned in, kissing me gently.

Then, one day, I got a call from Lando.

“Can we talk?” he asked, voice shaky.

“What do you want, Lando?” I replied, my heart racing.

“I just need to explain… things didn’t go as planned after you left. I’ve made mistakes, and I want you back.”

I paused, memories flooding back. “You had your chance, Lando. I can’t keep going back to the past. I’m happy now. I’ve moved on.”

“But I still love you!” he pleaded. “You were always my main one!”

His words echoed painfully in my mind, but I stood my ground. “You had your chance to prove that. You made your choice.”

The phone call ended, and I sighed with relief. I looked at Pato, who was sitting beside me, and smiled. I had made the right choice.

I felt a sense of peace wash over me. Lando was no longer a part of my narrative. My life was filled with the warmth and love Pato brought into it, and I was excited for the future we would continue to create together.

With Pato, I had learned to love again, not just him, but also myself. And that made all the difference.

Lando’s chapter had closed, and I was finally ready to start anew, with someone who truly valued me, not just as the ‘main one,’ but as the woman I had become.

[chiisana-sukima]

nine people i want to get to know better

Thank you for the tag, @slutsons-blog! Starting a new post because I'm autistic and therefore mostly only care about the "Current Obsession" question, and want to ramble excessively as usual in that one.

Last song: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Red Rescue Team: Pokemon Square because I'm currently playing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon with my daughter. Otherwise I honestly couldn't tell you. Whatever was on in my car.

Fave color: Purple

Currently watching: Star Trek Discovery

Last movie: Knives Out

Sweet/spicy/savory: Sweet, tart, salty

Relationship: married x 27 years

Last thing I googled: the word "dependent", for spelling assistance. which is a good thing because I spelled it "dependant".

Current Obsession: it's been spn since 2016. Truly we are the Hotel California of media franchises. I did recently play Disco Elysium twice in a row in quick succession, and I follow the DE tag. I can't recommend the game highly enough.... but I can feel my Special Interest-level obsession with it fading already. Spn has never faded even a tiny bit and I wonder if it ever will.

@slutsons-blog I feel after reading that you're watching spn for the first time, that I did you a bit of a disservice with my Sam takes to you before in that I mostly talked about Sam's evolution as a character as the show goes on and very little about him from the first five seasons.

Gotta be honest and tell you that although I liked both brothers all along, I was a Dean girl until the end of s6/beginning of s7, when the balance of who gets whumped the most started shifting and my subconscious suddenly decided to switch allegiances. It's not that I liked Dean any less; my id just loves a sopping wet pathetic kitten of a man who has been sexually abused, and Sam got suddenly way more kitteny and pathetic after the Cage. So I don't actually have a ton of takes on "what to love about Sam in the early seasons". I do love early seasons Sam too--she is my beautiful baby princess--but my early seasons takes are a lot more inchoate.

I count myself lucky about my id's sudden defection though, because I think we have limited control of who our blorbos are, and having Dean as a blorbo is a tough row to hoe as the later seasons go along. You know how you noticed that in s6, Dean suddenly gets a lot more assholey without apparent reason? Unfortunately he never gets better again, and in fact keeps getting worse and worse as the years go by, until by the last seasons he is openly far more abusive to their joint child(-in-an-adult body) than John was to him and Sam. It's a realistic picture of what can happen when trauma keeps piling up on people, but it's also honestly pretty distressing, especially if he's your blorbo.

If one is in it for the ship, there's some good destiel content in the later seasons, but if you're in it for Dean, you're left either 1) dealing with the fact he's got extremely significant interpersonal problems that he never gets much of anywhere on solving and that negatively impact his chosen family in profound ways, or 2) pretending he's the same character he was in s1 and Sam is the same Sam from s1, only more boring, and Dean is just trying to put up with him because he was brainwashed by John (or ig 3- something in the middle between those two. But that seldom seems to happen in practice for whatever reason). These two versions of the show are poorly compatible, and that's how the Sam girls and the Dean girls end up in isolated silos. A few people manage to live in both, but not many.

Anyway, I feel like without the context of how Sam and Dean change in the mid to late seasons, the two fics I recc'd as Sam character studies are going to seem insanely Dean-critical, so if you haven't read them yet, you might want to wait until s10. In the meantime, the general recs are fun reads and hopefully do a good job of showcasing both characters earlier on.

Tagging (but I would be a huge hypocrite if I didn't specify there's no pressure to respond, since I almost always fail at responding to tag games myself): @adihildilid @aliusfrater @quietwingsinthesky @sammygender @ardentpoop

@peanutbutterandbananasandwichs @schizosamwincester @normalbrothershow @jellybracelet.

[polly-pocket13]

Give me a chance to show you how beautiful you are

bakugou katsuki x fem!chubby!reader 

tw: weight, self-doubt, self-hate, eating disorder, cursing, acne, bad english and bad grammar

a/n: just a friendly reminder that you are enough and beautiful just the way you are.

You are standing in front of your mirror and looking at yourself. 

You sighed. 

Your skin is getting worse again.

You gained weight.

Your tights are too thick.

Your belly is too chubby.

Your arms to giggly.

Slowly, your eyes started to tear up.

Why couldn't you be like the other pretty girls?

Those girls with the flat stomachs and clear skin. 

Those girls with beautiful tights and slim arms. 

Those girls who always look and act like a real lady.

Those girls who always seem perfect.

The next day, you started eating less and exercising more.

You began to isolate yourself from others and feel more and more ashamed about yourself.

Like right now, you were in your room again and stood before your mirror and looked at your imperfect body.

“Y/N? Is everything okay?” you suddenly heard Bakugous voice behind you.

You didn't even notice that he knocked or entered your room.

“Bakugou, what are you doing here? Of course, everything is alright.” you told him and forced yourself to smile.

“Y/N, stop fucking lying to me. I can see that something is wrong, and I can see how, you force yourself to smile. I have known you long enough, to recognize a real smile.” he grumbled.

“I don't know what you mean.” you said to him.

“Don't play dumb, Y/N. Please tell me what is wrong.” he spoke to you.

“I am fine.” you lied again. 

You weren't fine at all. 

“Fine? You look to me like the absolute opposite of fine.” he said to you angrily.

You were overwhelmed with emotions.

You slowly started to speak, “Can't you see? I am the problem. How I look. How I act. Everything about me is just imperfect.”

You started to cry again.

“Who the hell told you such a bullshit. Tell me so I can break his nose.” he told you aggressive.

You replied quietly, “Kacchan, just forget it.”

“You don't want me to know? Well, then I will find out myself. It can't be that fucking hard to find an asshole without eyes.” he slightly shouted and wanted to leave your room.

“It was me, okay! I tell my self everyday I am not enough! So if you want to break someone's nose, feel free to break mine.” you said to him. 

He immediately turned himself to you. A second later, you could feel his arms wrapped around you.

Now, you started to cry even more.

He pulled you closer to him.

He whispered in your ear, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life.” 

“You only say it because we are friends and I am crying. You don't mean it.” you mumbled.

“Tsk, stupid gorgeous Woman. Why don't you believe me? I would not fall in love with you if you were not the most perfect human being in the world,”

he started tell you.

“I wished you could see yourself through my eyes. Then you would see that you are perfect from the bottom to the top. 

You would see how your eyes sparkle, when you talk about something you love. How you smile makes everyone else smile too.  How you just make everyone else to a better person, especially me. You would see how all stare at you if you dress up in your pretty dresses.  Damn it, Y/N yo drive me crazy every day. Your curves, your beautiful thighs, your soft belly. Just fucking everything.” he ends his “speech”.

You were shocked. You just stared at him for a moment.

“You like me? Like, really like me.” you asked him. 

“Typical Y/N. I told you lots of other important things and you just remembered one. Yes, I like you. Like, really like you.” he answered you. 

“I think I like you too, but I can't see myself through your eyes. I am just imperfect for me.” you told him.

“Give me a chance to show you how beautiful you are. Okay?” he asked you. 

“Okay.” you answered. 

Since that day, he has been proving to you every day how beautiful you are to him. 

And you slowly start to believe him and love yourself as you should because you are truly beautiful just the way you are. 

[vaguely-concerned]

Ever since watching The Wire for the first time, my brain has doggedly kept working away at the Especially the lies of it all, and specifically at how much the structure beneath the different stories Garak tells contributes to the overall meaning of what he’s trying to say. While the contradicting narratives of course expertly obscure the factual circumstances of his getting exiled, using them also allows him to tell aspects and facets of the emotional truth I don’t think he ever could have, if he’d simply told the actual story of what happened. (It’s very Varric-core of him honestly.)

The first story — the ‘oh, you think you know me?’ story — says I have done things that would sicken you if you knew any detail of it. It’s clearly meant to scare Bashir away so he’ll leave him to die shamefully in peace already lol. But it’s also one of his (probably much-needed lbr) little lessons to Julian that are so frequent in the beginning, given while Garak still has some hold on himself — “Don’t be so quick to forgive me if you don’t even know what I’ve done; what would you do if this really were the sum total of what I am?” (And Julian seems to surprise him by going ‘Well, exactly the same thing, because no matter who you are I am a doctor. But I sort of take your point.’)

The second story — the letting the orphans go story — says I have failed to smother my soul in its cradle when it was required of me, and I regret that more than anything I’ve done. To my ears this is the one most shot through with active self-loathing too, which is interesting. He’s officially lost the control he’s been clinging to and it’s about to get ugly. His TL;DR is ‘Sentiment is the greatest weakness of all’, even all the way back here. (Which is the one lesson Julian steadfastly refuses to learn, which I think in turn does some serious rearrangement of Garak’s soul over the course of the show haha. Get uno reversed into the process of loving and being loved without shame asshole.)  This is also where he builds up to admitting to having any sort of need for companionship or closeness at all and — so much worse — that Julian’s role in his life actually has fulfilled some of that need, and he’s DRIPPING with defensive venom over it b/c well I get it Garak vulnerability is scary it can take a person like that. 

(I also feel there’s something honest and forbidden in ‘Suddenly the whole exercise seemed utterly meaningless’. I suspect ‘actually… why the fuck are we even doing this???’ is not a welcome sentiment in an Obsidian Order water cooler environment, no matter what you’re saying it about lmao. The very first seeds of him deconstructing the things he’s been taught about Cardassia and his work might be hinted at here, though they of course take a looong time to come to any real fruition.)   

The third story — the ‘Elim was my best friend’ story — says hey, remember that thing you said once, about how sometimes, you have to be loyal to yourself before you can be loyal to anything else? Well. guess what. I couldn’t even be that lmao. It also furthers that thread of being divided from yourself, split, that having ‘Elim’ as a separate person around in all versions of the story brings in. He’s in control of himself again, but he essentially hands his life and soul over to Julian to decide what should be done with them. 

I’ve done horrible things and it finally caught up with me, I’m getting what I deserve → I let sentiment master me and the fact that I’m too weak to do what’s needed of me shames me more than the evil I’ve done → I fucked up. I betrayed myself and everything I held to, all for nothing, and I have no one to blame for it but myself. But it’s very nice that you’re here anyway, Doctor. (Wow. I didn’t realize quite how isolated and lonely that last one was before right now. The way Tain has shaped him really has just… locked him completely into himself, huh.) We can also see a movement through from a completely professional context in the first story, to an intensely interpersonal and internal context in the last one — even his fake stories spiral in towards intimacy, which I think is what he longs for here even if he can’t quite like. Touch that without the stories as a buffer yet, it’s clearly like touching a hot stove for him to interact with it too directly. 

And you know what I find incredibly interesting the whole way through? Even on his deathbed, where he’s dying from the thing Tain had put in his head, he’s protecting Tain. He puts all the blame for where he is on himself (‘My future was limitless, until I threw it away’), even if he has to employ a strange twisty logic where he’s split himself into two to do it. Don’t get me wrong, Garak has done horrific things all on his own haha, but it’s notable that he almost isolates Tain from that. ‘Tain was the Obsidian Order. Not even the Central Command dared challenge him. And I was his right hand.’ Tain in Garak’s stories is this infallible implacable weirdly distant figure, even now. Indeed, as will make a lot of sense with the revelations further down the line, more than anything it seems the gaze of an abused child desperate for recognition looking up at an idealized (if not in any way nurturing) parent.‘He was retired at that point; he couldn't protect me’, Garak says, as if what he’d need protection from in the first place isn’t Tain himself lmao, as if Tain had no active part in any of this. He never lets blame touch Tain at all. At this stage he would rather consider himself a broken flawed tool than accept that the hands that have wrought and wielded him have ever had any fault in them. AND in the middle of it all, with plausible deniability, on death’s door and knocking meekly to be let in before he must finish the mortifying ordeal of being known and test the even more daunting possibility of being loved, Garak at the same time manages to drop the breadcrumb trail of clues to make it possible for Julian to find Tain if he so chooses and gets in the ‘sons of Tain’ thing too for future dramatic irony purposes. Truly he is the Michelangelo of lying. Every falsehood a multifaceted masterpiece. Elim ‘achieving a state of intertextuality in real life is possible if you work hard and believe in yourself’ Garak. I love him so much. 

I think all of this is why “I forgive you. For whatever it is you did,” works so well, because it too works on a structural level. It’s such a deceptively multilayered response — it has the syntax of a joke, in a way, and it is kind of funny even under the circumstances, but delivered with such earnest warmth and fondness. It’s both recognition and acceptance (forgiveness!). It’s saying ‘I finally understand enough of what you’re trying to tell me beneath and through all that, in whatever way you’re capable of, I see you’ and ‘my answer hasn’t changed (bitch)’. The forgiveness Julian offers here is complete — on principle, and out of personal feeling and empathy (only one of which Garak deigns to respond to during the second story, where he calls it ‘smug Federation sympathy’, placing it more completely on the principle side than it probably is. ‘Dude you’re my friend please don’t just lie down and die in a completely avoidable way on me, who else is going to not only tolerate but actually gleefully enjoy me being annoying as fuck over lunch’ seems to be the subtext that’s a lot harder to acknowledge and invite in for both of them. And yet Tain seems perfectly clear on the fact that Julian is Garak’s friend, which, y’know. Must be fun living with the knowledge that Tain has eyes everywhere looming over you every day haha guess you’d just have to tune that out.) 

Most of all — ’Don’t give up on me now, Doctor’... and he didn’t! He didn’t. Augh. Ow.

[candyskiez]

usually I hate possession plots but god,I love the possessed hunter plot. because it's just so painfully resonant as an abuse victim. especially to anyone who's been abused by bigots.

like. this outside force you once loved, you spent so much of your time trying to please, so much of your time begging for the approval of, isolates you. they cause you to grow paranoid and angry, snapping at people and pushing you away from your support system. makes you seem crazy to your loved ones, making them doubt your mental health and making you question your sense of reality because you can't tell what's real or not anymore (gaslighting, baby!) you're cut off and overwhelmed. you get put in situations where you're forced to do things you don't want to, you're in so much pain, you're being treated like something with no wants or thoughts of their own. you're stripped of your autonomy. you're belittled for what you wanted and told THIS is how you're supposed to be, and you're so miserable. you're pitted against your loved ones. your abuser tries to make all your loved ones hate you so you come back to them, so they don't lose you. and belos being a horrifically realistic portrayal of an IRL abuser makes this so much worse. he craves Caleb's attention and tries to force hunter to fill that void. nevermind HES the one who robbed himself of caleb in his life by killing him. he tries to make hunter his shoulder to cry on, his therapist, his punching bag, his doctor. uses him to look at himself and go "see! look how good I'm doing! my family is back and he finally loves me again!" , he is obsessive and horrible and cruel and so horrifically realistic. he strips hunter of his autonomy, and in the shit that will start sounding familiar to people who grew up in bigoted families:

forced him out of what made him most comfortable. literally grew out his hair against his will, treated how he'd changed his body and wardrobe to make himself more comfortable as something that tainted him.

also just. holy shit the violating him like that. just the fucking undertones. it's fucking horrific.

and that's why him fighting back is so huge. because he has the strength to say, no. fuck you, no. this is my goddamn body. this is my goddamn life. he takes all these things he LOVED. he loved, that belos had taught him he was sinful and a horrible person for not despising (hm, allegories) and says, fuck you, I WANT this. I want this, I love this, you tried to teach me to hate it but I don't. I love it. I love it, and you didn't break me. I want to leave the coven, I want to leave you. you hurt me, and I said sorry. you used me, and I said sorry. I am done being sorry. I am done feeling bad. I want this life you're trying to take from me. I want to go to the boiling isles and I want to have a life there, in that world you hate so much. I want to go to the boiling isles and be sinful and disgusting and everything you hate and I will love it. I will be happy. I will be free and everything you hate. and I miss when I thought I could please you, because it was simple. but I am happier as a heretic and as a sinner, and you can't change me. I tried to change myself for you, I just ended up miserable. you can't make me something I'm not. I tried. and I am done trying. I am hunter. fuck you, my name is hunter. my name is hunter, and you hurt people. it doesn't matter if you were trying to help me. you hurt me. and I am done, and I am leaving, and most of all I will never let you hurt anyone else like you hurt me.

and he fucking got it, man. he fucking got it. he went through HELL and he still came back swinging. the death feels symbolic to me almost? losing a part of you in traumatic events and you have to live without that part. and you got out but you lost pieces of you in the process, and that stays with you.

but he keeps going. he kept fucking going man and THAT is fucking amazing to me. he kept going. ohhh my god. I wish I had this when I was 13. hunter isn't as massive of a hyperfixation for me anymore by a long shot, but goddamn. I love this dude. I LOVED the possession scene so fucking much and it will always resonate with me so, so hard.

[furiousgoldfish]

I had a conversation the other day, with a person who seemed to have some respect for me, but couldn't understand why I'm still having trauma symptoms, and can't be normal already. I took it as a chance to try and explain my symptoms, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears;  I was told I just needed to tell myself that 'I am a new person now', and forget about the past. The person then explained to me how they weren't always the same person either, and they would sometimes cringe at their behaviour in the past, but then they would be proud of themselves for being smarter and more reasonable today. I couldn't quite explain to them that my situation was not the same.

They gave me various suggestions like 'just don't think about these things anymore', and 'these people are not going to hurt you anymore', which I strongly doubted was true. I tried to explain that I am not purposefully thinking about it; in fact, I was doing everything to avoid it. But with intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and the symptoms of the dissociative disorder, I had no control over it, the past was at my throat, holding me and unwilling to let go. I could tell that they still believed I was doing it on purpose, holding on and refusing to stop living in the past.

I very rarely get a chance to talk to someone about anything trauma related, so I was originally grateful that anyone was even showing an interest at 'attempting to help me', but later when I thought about the entire thing, I got pissed off.

Firstly it doesn't make any sense for me to be 'normal', in any timeline, regardless of how much time has passed. You can't have a person living first few decades of their life in belief that their life is worthless, in environment where they're getting locked up, beaten, humiliated, tortured, threatened with death, brainwashed to believe they're not human, severely neglected, and without any kind of genuine caretaker or a parent. And then leave it to this person to 'deal with it alone', never getting any help, never even getting reassured that what happened to them was wrong. That is complete abandonment by human society, and I find it sick and twisted that this person should be expected to adhere and integrate into society afterwards, for what? This person will logically feel betrayed, untrusting, bitter, feral and unnacepting the society's standards, especially their standards for victim blaming and ignoring abuse. Society continually fails these people expects them to 'fix themselves' so nobody would feel uncomfortable about it.

Secondly why is it up to me to change as a person? I am not like this because 'I was not a good enough person', I am not the one who needs changing. I am good as I am. It's worse that after being failed in every aspect, I am now being seen as the one in 'the need of change', for not acting normal and being haunted by my past. I am not hurting anybody! I am the only one suffering from this. God forbid my reality leaves someone uncomfortable, I better try to hide it better. Which I actually do unless sometimes is actively asking me about it.

And the last bit of my anger is about making it seem like the actual problem is 'me holding onto the past', and not my life being severely different and harmful in a way that isolates me from other people. I don't have the same formative experiences other people had. I don't remember being cooed at and hugged, I don't have endless experiences of being taught that I'm important, that someone will care and intervene when I'm in pain, that the figures of mother and father are safe, warm, comforting and reliable. That childhoods are a positive and fun part of life. That families work as an environment for children to be raised on. I don't have the experiences that formed all other beliefs that this culture holds, I hold nothing sacred that is sacred to everyone else, I don't believe in the authorities, I don't believe in family, I don't rejoice with holidays, I don't want children, I don't trust religion, I feel contempt towards capitalism, I don't relate or connect to people who are receptive to any of it.

And it turns out I'm right to feel as I do. Because people in this society will actively come to me asking me to 'stop being like that', while never asking any abuser to 'stop being like that'. Victims who make them uncomfortable can be spoken down to, should be told to stop being traumatized, even in private, while the abusers just need to be 'ignored' and 'hopefully they stop doing it'. What a great plan. Surely it will fix everything.

Humane thing to do would be to approach me with awareness that I've been treated like a worthless creature and address it and allow me to act genuine about it. If I'm still feeling betrayed, abandoned and outcast from society, I should be able to express that. I deserve to react with genuine responses rather than this insane preformance art I have to do every single day to make sure nobody else is aware or uncomfortable by my peril.

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

I am so happy you're back and seem to be doing even a little bit better! We missed you!

I wanted to send a little message, so you can ignore it if it sours your mood or you don't feel like dealing with it, feel no pressure at all! It's just this blog has been a safe space and the community has been so welcoming that I figured I could vent really quick

You know when sometimes the brain just has a really shitty day, like when you draw something and it screams at you that it's trash even though there's nothing wrong with it? I've been having a rough time with it deciding to scream that comfort characters would cheat, probably as an 'You are so unlovable not even fictional characters would be loyal' bullshit. Now, logically, I know this makes -67 sense. But, I was wondering if you could just reassure that like, Sanji, Mihawk, Buggy, Shanks, Crocodile, Blablablablabla long list of One Piece characters you write for, would not cheat? I'm sorry, this sounds lame to even write out but I'm trying to get my brain to stop thinking that asking for help is 'pathetic' because it is not and it only applies that logic to me, never to anyone else.

I dunno man. Brains and bring human ate both though af.

I missed all of you as well. Really and sincerely. I have a tendency to go radio silent when I'm going through a difficult time and I hate it immensely, but hearing that I was missed to makes me all

And yes, oh gods, I know. My brain is frequently my worst enemy. Especially when I'm not writing. My anxiety starts working overtime and my creative drive becomes dedicated to coming up with problems that could potentially happen for me to worry about even more and it's an absolute bitch; or even when I am actively creating and a little voice insists that everything I make is stupid garbage.

This is still very much and always will be a safe space. It definitely is awful to feel that unworthy of love. Full disclosure, I've mentioned in passing before that I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder depressive type. My main issue is auditory hallucinations that like to insist that everyone I love and care about only tolerate me out of pity and secretly would rather I not be around, which leads to me isolating myself from people. Huge part of the reason I go silent when life decides to be a bitch. I know it's just as bad feeling that way about comfort characters, if not even worse, when we're supposed to have them to help us get through that kind of bullshit.

So let me provide a little drabble for the one comfort character I’m certain wouldn’t ever allow us to continue being so silly about our worthiness of love and affection, because we’re all worthy of such a basic human need. I may do more later, but one in particular jumped at the opportunity to provide this comfort, and I fear he may counter me with his dreaded puppy-dog-eyes should I even dare attempt to wait.

Good Enough

OPLA!Sanji x AFAB!Reader

Lil drabble thingy

SFW, Hurt/Comfort

Possible TRIGGER WARNINGS for depression, insecurity, self-worth

♫♬ Moonshine ♬♫ — The Fratellis (yes I’m STILL on my Fratellis BS leave me be)

"Never knowing is the most evil feeling, when every answer here is none too appealing"

Sanji had always been a flirt. You knew that from the moment you started working on the wait staff at Baratie. Your trust issues had made it a little difficult for you to open up around the young sous chef (and occasional waiter on the frequent occasion that Zeff kicked him out of the kitchen for insubordination), but it was his outgoing nature and perseverance that had ultimately won you over. He had a way of making you feel like you were the only girl in the world when you were together, doting upon you, all but worshipping the ground you walked on.

But when he was sent out to work the dining area, it always made you nervous. His innate charm, his handsome features—he was nearly always a hit with female customers. No matter how much you told yourself that he was only doing his job, there was always a nagging feeling that maybe there was more to it than that. Watching him interact with a table of pretty young women, who by their clothing and demeanor were obviously far more affluent and sophisticated than you, left you distracted in your own work.

Seeing how they giggled at everything he said, how they fluttered their eyelashes when he brought them their drinks.

How the pretty blonde at the table leaned so close to him while he pointed to something on the menu, close enough to brush her hand across his.

You managed to spill a tray of drinks all over yourself while you were watching, leading to a scolding from the front of house manager. You saw the table of girls from the corner of your eye, giggling at your clumsiness before you were sent off to clean yourself up and change your uniform.

No matter how much you told yourself you were being silly, there was nothing you could do to shake it. The doubts, the thoughts of how easily he could find someone better than you. You had your jaw clenched the entire time you were changing your shirt in the staff restroom, tossing the soiled one aside as you leaned against the sink in front of the mirror and forced yourself to take slow, level breaths.

You were still on the clock. You couldn’t break down. You had to get changed, had to get back to work, had to pretend everything was fine, if he found out you were being so stupid about this then he would definitely drop you like a bad habit, you had to compose yourself or—

Knock knock.

Your eyes darted to the bathroom door, your breath catching in your throat at the sound of the light knock.

“J—just a minute,” you forced out, flinching at the sound of your own voice breaking a little.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, stop it stop it stop it—

A brief silence followed your answer, a silence that seemed to stretch on for miles despite lasting only a few seconds. The familiar, gentle voice that answered after a moment made your hands clench around the porcelain of the sink.

“You alright, love?” You drew in a sharp breath, swallowing, clenching your eyes shut. Of course it was Sanji. You had almost hoped that the manager had come scold you for taking too long. That would have been easier to deal with right now. Your eyes darted to the locked doorknob as it rattled a little. “I heard—”

“I’m fine,” you said immediately, the strained quality of your own words as they met your ears making your hands tighten a little more on the edge of the sink. “I—I just tripped and spilled a few drinks, I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?” You gritted your teeth, laying your head back to stare up at the ceiling. Of course he wouldn’t let it go that easily. The doorknob rattled a little again, and you glanced at it as if it were a viper poised to strike out at you at any second.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, don’t—

“You sound—”

You reached out and turned the lock on the doorknob, and turned away from the door, crossing your arms over your half-buttoned shirt and stared down at your feet. After a long moment, you heard the door open behind you.

Evidently you didn’t look any less distressed than you felt. His quiet sigh met your ear as the door shut lightly and the lock turned. “Oh, love, it’s fine,” he said gently, his footfalls echoing quietly in the small bathroom, closing the short distance across the tile floor between the two of you. Your whole body tensed as he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, resting his forehead over the crown of your hair with a quiet chuckle. “It’s only a few drinks, it could happen to anyone.”

You shook your head, your shoulders shaking a little. Stupid, it was so stupid, but the words were already leaving your mouth before you could stop them. “Oh, yeah, anyone.” You couldn’t stop. You couldn’t. He had a way of pulling all your insecurities to the surface that no one else did. You pulled your crossed arms tighter, staring down at the white floor tiles for a moment before shutting your eyes tightly, your voice shaking a little. “Especially a dumb screw-up like me—”

“Don’t do that.” His tone came out a little sharper with this, and your breath hitched audibly in your throat this time, your shoulders hunching as you clenched your eyes shut tighter, swallowing back the lump in your throat. As if to counter your stiff posture, he pulled his arms tighter around your waist, pulling you closer, his thumb rubbing lightly against your waist in a comforting manner. “Don’t, sweetheart. Please.”

The warmth of his embrace already had you relaxing a little. Your shoulders slumped, your body leaning back against him, but your eyes were still burning when you opened them to stare down at the toes of your shoes.

“Was it the manager?” he asked gently, shifting behind you to rest his chin on your shoulder. “If he was being an ass I’ll gladly kick his ass off the docks.” Your breath left your lungs in a slow, trembling sigh as you shook your head no, your gaze drifting down to his hand at your hip, still rubbing lightly against you, your lips curling into a fleeting smile at his offer. You knew you were being stupid, but… “Then what’s wrong, love?” he asked, his voice a soft, comforting murmur in your ear.

“I…” You drew in a deep breath, closing your eyes as he tilted his head so his cheek lay against your shoulder. “Y—you—“

You swallowed against the lump forming in your throat, drawing in a deep breath, trying and failing to steady the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through your mind, thoughts of how maybe this was all a lie, of how you weren’t anything more than a silly little fling to him, how you weren’t good enough, how easily you could be replaced.

You bit your lip, glancing down as his hand found yours, watching his fingers lace between your own…and the breath left you in a slow, resigned sigh.

“It’s stupid,” you said quietly.

“If it’s got you this upset, then it’s anything but stupid,” he countered, and you had to purse your lips tightly to keep them from curving into a small smile as you felt his press briefly against your cheek in a soft kiss. “And if it’s something I’ve done—”

“N—no, you haven’t—” But how quickly you shook your head, how your shoulders tensed, betrayed your worries. “I…I just…” You slowly relaxed once more as he squeezed you against him, his cheek nuzzling against your shoulder, his soft blonde hair tickling against your neck. Still unable to turn your head to meet his eyes, you bit the bullet and forced yourself to voice your worries. “You have beautiful women making goo-goo eyes at you all day,” you said, keeping your voice low in an attempt to keep it steady. “I—I don’t—I’m not—” You bit your lip, your heart racing as you clenched your eyes shut, cursing yourself internally as you felt the tickle of a tear leaving your eye to trail down one of your cheeks. “Y-you could have any girl you wanted. L—like that blonde that was hanging all over you while you were showing her the menu, or—or—”

“Oh, sweetheart…” You weren’t quite able to mask the small sob that hitched in your chest as Sanji loosened his embrace—only to gently place a hand on your hip, guiding you to turn around and face him, to pull you against his chest as you tried and failed to fight back tears. He gently shushed your quiet sobs and stammered apologies as he wrapped his arms around you fully, combing his fingers through your hair as he laid his head over yours. Your eyes remained clenched shut as you fought to control your breathing , as he pressed a tender, lingering kiss to your forehead.

Sanji lowered his head and nuzzled into your hair, holding you flush against him.

“I already have the girl I want. The perfect girl.” He pressed another tender kiss to your temple, murmuring against your skin, “I have her right here in my arms. And I hope,” he said, his tone turning a little playful as he shifted to rest his forehead against yours, “that I’ll still have her tonight after dinner shift is over.” He brushed your hair behind your ear, smiling as he tilted his head to meet your gaze, puling a small smile to your lips as your cheeks grew a little warmer. “So we can cuddle up together on the balcony…watch the stars…laugh at all the drunk idiots stumbling back to their boats…”

You could practically hear him smiling as a few soft giggles escaped you, as you finally leaned fully against him and returned his embrace, your arms wrapping around his torso as you buried your face against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” you sighed, relaxing against him. “I…I’m just…”

“I know, love.” The way he called you ‘love’ all but melted your heart now that you were calmed down, pulling a faint smile to your lips. “I know. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. And if it’s any consolation, I was in the middle of telling that self-righteous blonde bimbo how my sweet, adorable, beautiful girlfriend would wring her neck if she kept putting her hands on me—“ He chuckled as you whined in protest of his praise, tugging you closer and grinning, meeting your eyes without hesitation.

He lifted his hand to your face, his thumb brushing across your cheek, the warmth of his gaze holding yours.

“I—“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

You both jolted in alarm, your heads turning in unison toward the sound of the pounding on the bathroom door. Before you could so much as glance at each other, a gruff voice spoke up from behind the door.

“We’re in the weeds, Eggplant!” Zeff called . “Get your scrawny ass to the kitchen! And bring your damned girlfriend, we need all the help we can get.”

A long moment of silence stretched between the two of you as you both stared at the closed bathroom door, before your gazes drifted slowly toward each other.

Before you were both giggling under your breath, as you buried your forehead against his chest, a broad smile spreading across your lips as you clung to him.

“I suppose we’ve been summoned,” said Sanji, pulling back from you only enough to gaze down at you, still smiling. “Shall we, then?”

[mochiimac]

About Love 1

My head gets messy when I try to hide

The things I love about you in mind

Pairing: Hybrid!BTS x Fem!Reader

Summary: Becoming a best selling thriller author? Part of the plan. Living in the city and isolating yourself from everyone? Part of the plan. Inheriting your late uncles home in the woods, his sassy assistant and fortune after he died mysteriously? Not part of the plan. Oh, and he failed to mention the 7 'surprises' he left you as well.  And come to think of it... was his death an accident? Or is your imagination going wild again?

Genre: Hybrid!AU

Warnings (if bolded then this chapter contains these elements) : Fluff, Hurt, Comfort, Angst, Death, Abuse, Smut, Suggestive Themes, Violence, Dom/Sub, Non-Con Elements, Slow Burn, Trauma

Rating: M 18+

WC: ~7k

Tag List: OPEN- DM ONLY <3

Notes: Here is chapter 1! I’m so excited that people enjoyed the prologue, makes my heart happy(: I wonder who’s waiting for you in the house... Hmmm...

Prologue | Next>>

｡❅*⋆⍋*｡*⍋⋆*❅｡

“It’s so early... not even the sun is awake... why do I hate myself...” A sob threatened to spill past your lips as you numbly walked outside. The cold air was bullying you into tears as it stung your face and hands. 

6 am. 6 am. Who was even up this early, especially on a cold day like this-

Oh yes. That would be you.

The city streets were painted in gold from the streetlights and the remaining leaves that were still clinging on for dear life, ignoring the snow that sprinkled the ground with all their might. It was as though the city had been tucked under a large white blanket overnight, a blanket made of glistening diamonds that reflected the warm lights from all around. Truth be told it was beautiful to look at… just not when you have to be awake and freezing. While some would find this scene breathtakingly beautiful you, on the other hand, craved a flamethrower to tear it all down and seek vengeance for your poor skin.

Just goes to show how important proper sleep and caffeine are to begin the day. It could make the difference between waking up with a smile or beginning your villain arc. 

Your whole apartment was packed and loaded into the new large SUV, a surprise that came last week with Jackson. You knew you had obtained Takoda’s vehicle but it was surprising that it was brand new and could hold up to 8 individuals. Takoda lived alone with no marriages nor children… So why the large vehicle? Why purchase this large car along with the house? You didn’t miss the confusion on Jackson’s face when he handed you the keys, a hushed comment of ‘When did he even buy this?’ didn’t go past you. It only added to the suspicion of your uncle’s death. 

What was Takoda planning? 

Unfortunately the city left you with dead ends: the Spades family was a family full of successful lawyers, all ranging from medical to even real estate. They were the Eevees of lawyers, your family: one Spades for every type. The family slogan? ‘ Always have an ace of Spades up your sleeve!’ Every time you heard it your teeth would grind together, because for them it wasn’t about the person they were representing. No, never about their clients. It was about the money. And so trying to worm your way around and see what truly happened and what the other morticians wrote was impossible. Their loyalty (and mainly wallets) would be with your father. Rowan Spades. You were going to keep pushing however a small and short voicemail had you stopping dead in your tracks.

“Hi sweetie! Just checking in, Officer Lee mentioned you’ve been asking about your uncle’s case, and… oh hon, I know this mourning process is hard. Reach out if you need to talk! Be careful out there… snow and all!”

Lei Spades, the one person who, despite being shunned, still tried to help you. Perhaps it was because she was your mother. Or maybe she simply didn’t want Rowan to get upset.  She had met Rowan when she was young and naive, hell, she was still naive at times. At least you hoped she was. It would be worse for her to know how corrupt your father was and simply turn a blind eye because the money was just too good. But she had saved you a few times in the past from your fathers wrath. This being one of them. She would never call unless she had to. And the number was unknown, not her personal phone. A quick warning for her daughter to back away. And if Lei was the one giving the warning then you knew it was best to keep low… for now. But you did have one more place to look into…

The large home that you had yet to step into. The mysterious building that your new ‘assistant’ was hushed about. Any questions asked were either ignored or cut off with him changing the subject. The one that Jackson was supposed to drive you to later that day. You didn’t miss the urgency in his voice the previous week, the way his eyes were looking deep into your own. The moment was implanted in your mind, the goosebumps could still be felt...

“We will leave Friday at noon. Agreed?” He stood at your door, hands in his pocket as his eyes bore into you. The deep brown that was usually cool seemed to be ignited with a fire of sorts at the topic of the house. You noticed this each time you tried to ask questions or pry; the man was a vault and seemed uneasy. 

Unfortunately that only ignited your own flame.  

You managed to laugh a little, eyebrow raised. A small test to see how he would react... “Uh, sure? I mean if I’m already up I can always head on out early and meet you-” Your words were cut off as you jumped back when Jackson stepped closer. He crowded your space, face inches from your own as his hand grasped your shoulders. You tried to step back but your heel collided with a wall. His fingers gripped your shirt, however it wasn’t painful. The fire that was in his eyes had increased tenfold and you actually felt a small shiver of fear slide down your spine.

“Together. At. Noon.” His words were cool and flat, but you could hear the underlying tone. He was stressed about something. And while every alarm was going off in your head you managed to school your face, putting on a mask of frozen shock instead. 

“N-noon… o-okay.” You managed to sound meek, the act working as Jackson gave you a small smile, hands squeezing your shoulders as he stepped back. 

“Not a minute early nor late.” His eyes seemed to have cooled down at your words. His flickered up and down your body, something you noticed he did before leaving each visit. “Stay safe, Heiress.”

As soon as the door closed you leaned against the wall, sliding down while taking deep breaths. He failed the test, he was hiding something and you were going to figure it out. If he can keep secrets then so could you. 

After that little show you had whipped out your phone and were quick to contact the Sanity Squad, the video call was between you and your three best friends. And they were in agreement: Jackson was hiding something and whatever it was, it was in the house. Of course the first topic was if you should all go together since the whole situation was bizarre.

 Theories of him killing you were out the window seeing that he had nothing to gain and too many opportunities to do so. Oh, and Jessi proclaimed he was ‘too hot’ to be a serial killer. The next theory seemed more plausible: he knew some information on Takoda’s death and wanted to make sure you didn’t find any clues. But Jackson had a key to the house so again, that was a dead end. He could easily hide the evidence or destroy it. 

Hours later, and a warning from your phone that the battery was going to die, you announced you would simply beat him there and see for yourself. It was your stance and no one could change your mind.

So here you are on this fine Friday morning, beating the sassy assistant by several hours, and hopping into a brand new vehicle. It was sleek and black, the interior dark with faux leather seats. A large touchpad illuminated the space and you were thankful it was able to self-drive. Although these types of cars are common many prefer the old fashioned way of driving and just doing it themselves. But with this tank? You preferred to let it do the work while you kicked back and watched.

You keyed in your first stop in the car’s GPS, feeling it slowly ease away from the building you had lived in for years. It was odd, knowing that you would never be back but at the same time it was a relief to be going to a place that had room to breathe. And no noisy neighbors to keep you up till the wee hours of the morning. Now that you would not miss, not one bit. But you would miss the cozy feel of the small space. It was bittersweet to see it fade behind you. 

Ten minutes later and you were parked outside the small coffee shop, I Need Brew, a place you would frequent with your friends. It was hybrid friendly and a great place for many hybrids to begin working, gaining skills for later careers. Or some chose to stay and continue working for the beloved company. It was run by Bang Chan with his fox hybrid Felix being a manager; you knew the two well after frequenting the quaint shop. The fox adored your visits and would often slip you free goodies when Chan wasn’t looking. 

Slipping inside you were greeted with warmth and the smell of fresh coffee and baked goods. The interior was designed to make everyone feel at ease and cozy, soft music playing in the background to help the customers gradually wake up without giving them a headache.

“Y/n? At this hour?” 

You looked around, knowing the voice but not knowing where it came from, but then Felix peaked his head around the corner from the back. bright orange hair held specks of flour with his orange ears shooting up. His voice was light and somewhat shocked, but still held the adoration he had for you. In return you smiled and stepped further inside. 

“I knew I smelt something sweet walking in,” His face broke into a wide smile. 

You smiled back, walking towards the counter. “Yeah it’s a bit early for me… I’ve actually come to meet up with the group.”

“Again, at this hour? Do you know what time it is-?” A buzzing noise had the fox looking over his shoulder. “Go sit, I’ll grab you your favorites and be out in a minute.” He disappeared around back as you moved further into the shop, eyes already set on your usual table.

The past few years your group and yourself had always sat at the table located on the furthest wall, right by the counter and where the employees would mingle when waiting for customers. It was how you befriended so many of the employees, all of whom knew your favorite beverages and treats by heart. As you sat you heard the front door’s bell jingle as a blonde walked in, heading straight for your table. 

“I’m surprised you actually woke up,” You grinned as Jessi sat in the chair across from you, snow flurries clinging to her winter coat. “You usually sleep through all your alarms.”

“And miss my best friend leaving to head to the woods alone? Not a chance,” Jessi gave you a grin but you could see the worry in it, leaning closer she asked, “Are you sure we can’t come along? What if something bad happens-?”

“Nothing bad is going to happen.” You waved her off, actually believing yourself. Despite the odd circumstances your instincts were letting you know that this wasn’t dangerous at all. It was more… interesting. “Besides we have that locator app, right? One click and you all know something is wrong and the police will be rushing to save me.” You could still see the doubt in her eyes as she listened.

“I think it’d be best to take one of us with you today… just for safety reasons.” Her arms crossed over her chest, leaning back and watching you. “Especially with all that is going on.”

You opened your mouth to protest once more however the familiar jingle of the bell alerted everyone of more customers. You could hear them before you could see them; quick footsteps headed towards you before arms encased your shoulders, a face buried in your neck as a soft vibration pressed against your back. Something soft and warm wrapped around your waist, tightening a fraction as a giggle reached your ears. 

“Wooyoung, how do you have so much energy this morning?” 

You glanced up to see Hongjoong taking a seat next to Jessi, the man looking exhausted with his iconic split black and white hair disheveled in a disastrous way.  His eyes were dead set on his hybrid Wooyoung who had wrapped himself around you, acting more snake than black panther. You could feel the cat’s purring increase, knowing those vibrant green eyes were focused on Hongjoong.

“Simple,” He nuzzled closer to you, feeling a grin on his face. “I have my Y/n here.” 

You remember when Hongjoong first adopted Wooyoung, how the black panther quite literally tackled you and complimented on how nice you smelt and was overjoyed to know that you were best friends with his owner. In his eyes that meant you were part of the ‘extended pack’, along with Jessi, and got to be scented just as much as Hongjoong was. Which he ensured you both were drenched in his scent, looking quite proud of himself each time. 

Reaching up you gently rubbed his head, scratching behind his ear just as he liked. You could feel how anxious he was, knowing you would be leaving, heading further away. It was an hour drive to get to the new home and his instincts weren’t liking having part of his pack be so far away. 

“You can still sell it and live with us,” Wooyoung mumbled into your neck, his breath tickling a bit. “Hyung wouldn’t mind.” 

“Aw, Woo, I won’t be so far away. Plus you can call whenever you want.” You received a pitiful whine from the male as he slowly let go of you, heading over to Jessi to scent her. It was hard to miss the droop of his ears, his last attempt at keeping you in the city gone. Although it tugged your heartstrings and almost made you want to change your mind, one look at Hongjoong and you knew he would be okay; the other male was smiling and shaking his head at the cat. 

“I know I said a minute but everyone else showed up. And these just came out fresh from the oven!” Felix was quick to hand out four mugs and a plate of mini muffins with different flavors. Stepping back his eyes landed on you with a raised eyebrow. “So, you’re going to your new home alone in the woods? I’m sure Chan can go with you if you need someone…” His voice trailed off, his tail flicking along with Wooyoung’s. Seemed like he didn’t like the idea either, his animal instincts wary of your decisions. You were thankful you weren’t part of their intimate packs- you wouldn’t even get your foot out the door. Let alone be able to grab the doorknob.

“It’s quite alright, it’s a new home I inherited.” You once again waved off the help. “Nothing wrong with it.” The fox nodded at your words, tail flicking once again to show his displeasure.

“But if anything happens you have people here, okay? Don’t be afraid to ask us for help.” With a boop to your nose he went back to baking while the four of you settled with small talk for a brief moment. Ignoring the world outside while you had the time and just living in the moment.

 Truth be told you had no idea how long it would before you got to see them once more. Pushing those thoughts aside you sipped your cup, smiling as Wooyoung took a seat next to you while Hongjoong and Jessi argued over a movie that just came out. As they argued Wooyoung shoved a gift bag in your lap, grinning over at you. 

“Woo got you a gift, well, he helped make it.” Hongjoong dropped the argument quickly when he heard the the bag being opened. You opened the gift and pulled out a beautiful red scarf. “The python hybrid next door, San? He taught Wooyoung how to knit.” Hongjoong beamed at Wooyoung with pride while the panther watched you, waiting to see your reaction.

There was a tremble in your lips as you pulled the incredibly soft scarf out. “Woo…” Tears threatened to fall as you turned to the panther. you felt his tail wrap back around you, pulling you into his chest as his purrs started once again.

“It’s made with love from us!” He smiled. “That way we’re never too far away… don’t cry, Y/n!” 

It was too late as a few tears fell, feeling Wooyoung pull you back into a hug that soon the others joined in with. “I have the best friends in the whole world.”

“Damn straight you do.” Jessi reached over, grabbing your hand with a grin.

“We love you too, Y/n.” Hongjoong placed his hand on top of Jessi’s, a soft smile on his face.

“You can still live with us- ” Wooyoung’s quick words were cut off with a whine when Hongjoong lightly wacked his arm. Pulling you closer to him, the panther let out the weakest growl you had ever heard. “In case she forgot, hyung not the ears!” You laughed as the growls turned into whines. 

Little moments like this made it even harder to say goodbye.

｡❅*⋆⍋*｡*⍋⋆*❅｡

It felt as though you were now living in a snow globe. Tall pines loomed all around, the roads were covered with inches of snow, all while snow flurries floated all around. The sun may have been hidden behind the clouds but the snow offered enough light to make up for it: everywhere you looked you had to squint from the jarring white canvas. You could feel the SUV cruise cautiously through the piles of snow and up the hills that were hidden from your eyes. 

“GPS you better be taking me to the right place…” You mumbled, eyes straying warily to the trees that surrounded you. It felt as though you were encased in a sea of deep green and white; it never seemed to end no matter how far ahead you tried to look.

The estimated time of arrival said five minutes but you wanted to call bullshit on that. The tree’s were so dense, so dark, surely a home couldn’t be located here? Who even built this place? Crossing your arms you watched as the car slowly cruised forward, itching to get out and investigate the home in person. As well as text Jackson that you had left about seven that morning… though you were more happy to wait to send that message. More alone time for you to sneak around the place and it kept Jackson from scolding you a little longer.

“You have arrived!” 

Your mouth opened, ready to yell ‘Liar!’ but it quickly closed when the car slowly took a turn and hidden was a house. Truth be told anyone could drive right by and miss it, the driveway being extremely narrow.

The home was snuggled amongst the tall pines, large and yet seemed to almost blend in with it’s surroundings and standout all at the same time. The house held a warmth and coziness to it and reminded you of the feeling of going back home after spending a long time away. It sat in a large clearing of the trees, and in the distance you could make out mountains that peaked to the sky. The early morning rays were just coming up, casting an ethereal glow all around. It was beautiful and you were frozen in your seat, watching the sun’s rays gently light up the clearing. A calling urged you to go inside, your heart was fluttering at the sight of it-

“You have arrived!” 

The moment was ruined with the car clearly wanting you to get out now. Grumbling, you stepped out of the vehicle and snuggled further into the scarf Wooyoung gifted you. It was much colder out in the wilderness than in the city, the wind whipping around and nipping at your cheeks in a cruel way. Colder and quieter. You could hear your own deep breaths across the baron land of snow. You knew there was a peace to the quiet however being alone in a foreign place it was hard to find it anything short of eerie. The hairs on your arms were rising as you took a deep breath, quietly closing the car door to not disrupt the stillness around you. 

The house lured you in with every step, your heartbeat quickening as the key was gripped between your fingers. Any normal person would be afraid, hell even terrified, if they were in your shoes. A family member was found dead with zero investigation done, trying to gain some answers only had your mother warning you to back off, and lastly a house no one knew of was left to you. An hour away from the city your family basically owned. 

However you felt anything but fear. There was curiosity for sure and a yearning for discovering what could be hidden within the walls of this building. What could have Takoda been up to with purchasing this place? It looked new too, no physical wear and tear on the outside from the weather. You wondered what he was hiding… And there was something else too, something deep in you that wanted to run in the building. A call from somewhere inside that had anticipation swimming in your veins. 

The key slid in with a soft click! The door slowly opening while your eyes were wide and surveying your new home. You were awaiting darkness to greet you; a home that has been sat for too long and was full of cobwebs and dust from the lack of visitors. A cold and dark home was what you were mentally prepared for especially since Jackson was only dropping your boxes off and then quickly returning to his job. However you were shocked at what awaited you.

The foyer was large and spacious, the walls were painted a neutral color and the floors were solid wood. To your left and right were spacious rooms that were rather empty, save for a large sectional couch in one of them with an insanely large flat screen mounted to the wall. There were tall and large windows throughout, letting in the natural sunlight and giving an airy and soft feel to the overall place. Not far from the door was a large staircase with quite a few steps, and you spotted some of your boxes placed randomly along each step.

Your eyebrows knit together as you stepped closer, noticing the boxes were opened. Some even appeared to be missing items, spotting a box that was full of blankets now only containing a single blanket. A frown tugged on your lips, wondering what Jackson had been up to… he wasn’t stealing from you… was he?

You crept up the stairs, spotting more and more of your boxes placed randomly along the steps. Books had been looked through, some missing; blankets were taken out of the box, one box even being completely empty. Finally making it to the top you felt your stomach knot as you found some of your clothes scattered around the large landing. Thankfully it was just shirts and hoodies, nothing too personal, but it still made your blood freeze.  

Jackson was the only one who had the other key… right? No one else should have been there… What if your father found out and sent someone to spy? No, no professional would make it look this terrible. What if this was a warning for you? To leave? Fear shot down your spine as you followed the scattered clothes towards a pair of French doors at the very end of the landing. 

Almost like a trail. 

Your legs felt like lead as you moved closer, steps silent as you crept along, throat dry as a million thoughts and scenarios ran through your mind. What if someone broke in and was needing a place to stay? What if they were dangerous, a criminal on the run? Or a dangerous hybrid? If the intruder were human you stood a small chance. But if they were a hybrid, a being designed to outperform humans in many ways... and if they were a predator... the very thought had your limbs locking up.

Despite the fear that shook you to your core, there was the feeling again: you needed to be there. Something important was waiting for you in that house. An instinct that pushed you to keep moving, a need that fought against the fear that dwelled in you. As if you found this certain thing, you’d be safe. You’d be fine. 

Perhaps you have lost your mind.

Standing before the doors you took a moment to gather yourself, gain some courage, and then you had the doors flying open. Body tense as your eyes scanned the entire area, prepared to face the intruder head on-

No one was inside. But what you saw had you shaking.

Your lips turned downwards at the sight before you, hand gripping the door to try to keep grounded. The room was large, a master bedroom that was fit for a family really. Like the rest of the home it was rather empty with the exception of the large bed, an Alaskan king, and your brain was fried trying to process why a bed that large was there and why all your belongings were all over the bed. You felt a chill roll down your spine as you stepped into the room carefully, mentally waiting for someone to jump out and attack you. 

But again that other feeling, the part of you that you called insane, felt secure as well. Something about being in that room had you feeling at ease as well as afraid all at the same time. You felt nauseated with the mixed feelings swirling in your head. 

All the blankets, clothes, and books that went missing were right there. A part of you wanted to grab your things and go through it all and see what was done to each item. But a larger part of you wanted to curl up in the warm blankets and hide away, ignore all the craziness that you were facing, and seize to exist. If only... 

‘Come on, Y/n. Put on a brave face.’  You mentally scolded yourself for being weak; this was your home after all. Taking a deep breath you strolled into the bedroom with more confidence and was going to begin your investigation when the sound of a door closing echoed across the empty house. 

 ‘Fuck the brave face.’ Your blood turned to ice, instincts taking over you flung yourself under the bed. You pressed your hand against your mouth, trying to calm your breathing as you waited and listened as well as you could. You closed your eyes, willing your ears to straining and hear anything. The silence was torture, not even footsteps could be heard. You wished you could at least hear where they were-

A low growl echoed against the walls of the staircase. An actual growl... an animal? You don’t recall leaving the door open, but perhaps you did when you noticed your belongings scattered about... 

Did you accidentally let in a wild animal? 

As you tried to decipher how the creature got in you heard heavy paws hitting the stairs, the growl low as it came closer and closer. Every step had your heart pounding in your chest and for a moment you wondered if you would die from a heart attack before being mauled by a beast. The thought died as soon as you realized that the paws had stopped somewhere near the landing. 

Then, ever so slowly, you heard the paws approach the bedroom. The growl was coming closer and closer, your body nearly shaking as you squeezed your eyes shut tighter. The paws stopped at the bedroom entrance, the growl lower, more of a rumble now as it continued forward. It got closer and closer, the air feeling heavier with each passing second. The rumbling was now right in front of you.

 Swallowing the lump in your throat you slowly opened your eyes.

A cloud of browns, blacks, blondes, and silvers invaded your vision at first. Fur that was so thick and long you felt an urge to reach out touch it, knowing it must have been so warm and soft. But you remained frozen as a pair of eyes, lilac- no... gold? You could have sworn they were lilac for a moment but now they were a brilliant gold, stared you down. Eternity could have passed and you wouldn’t have known, not while the canine was intensely watching your every breath. A moment of silence, a moment of stillness-

It lunged and you screamed, your throat immediately burning from the raw strength behind it. Faster than you thought possible you managed to leave your hiding spot just as the large beast arrived. Your feet were moving too fast for you to keep up, heart leaping up your throat as grunts and whines followed you. When you heard those heavy paws hitting the floor you cried out again, the staircase right there. 

You believed you could easily dash down the stairs and into the car. You’d be safe there and maybe you could easily call for help. For a brief moment you wished you had waited for Jackson. At least you could trip the man and give yourself some extra time to escape... unless he did it first, which you knew he would.

However fate was a cruel mistress to you today; wet shoes slid against the wooden floor, propelling you face first down the steps. Your voice was stuck in your throat as you sharply inhaled and braced yourself for impact. You felt something solid, but it wasn’t wood. It was... warm and inviting... 

Two arms snaked around you, pulling you closer and easily catching you from the fall. Your feet were dangling off the floor with your cheek pressed against something solid that held a low vibration. Whoever this was was strong enough to hold you carefully around the waist with ease and you stiffened as your realized you weren’t alone with just that canine anymore.

“Relax Beautiful,” The voice was right in your ear, a murmur to help ease you. The voice was soothing to hear and you obeyed immediately as if it were natural to trust a stranger like this. The logical part of your brain was screaming at you to break free and run. But there was another part of your brain, something instinctual, that wanted nothing more than to obey. That there was safety and comfort within these arms that would shield you from the whole world...

The voice let out a soft hum, pleased as you listened without a fuss. The arms were still tight as something soft traced your neck, the vibrations increasing before stopping all at once. “My, my, Beautiful. it’s no wonder he was upset, smelling the way you do.” Their tone became deeper, displeasure stirring just underneath the words. Something in you nearly whined- as if you couldn’t stand the thought of displeasing the stranger. Thankfully the logical side of your brain kicked into action.

You snapped out of the trance you were in and physically flailed yourself away. You could tell the stranger was surprised by your sudden outburst and used it to stumble back, feeling your heel collide with a step, causing you to fall and land on it with your butt. Your nearly fall had thrusted you forward, passing the first flight of stairs and nearly onto the midlevel landing. Which was where a new figure was now peering down at you.

A handsome man with beautiful features stood before you, bright blue eyes watching your every move with plump lips forming a soft smile. His hair was jet black and on top was a set of fuzzy black ears. Something swayed out of the corner of your eye and you saw a fluffy tail that had black fur with white underneath, the tip of the tail was also white. He wore dark denim jeans and a white tee, the letter’s DRF embroidered on the top left corner in crimson. A hybrid was in your new home-

A low growl was behind you and for a brief moment thought it was surely going to attack you now. But you were shocked to feel something cool against your head as another high pitch whine was right by your ear. It’s muzzle was nudging you, whining, trying to get you to move but you were too shocked to move a single muscle.

“Wh-who are you?” You wanted to sound demanding. You wanted to sound strong. But your voice cracked and hands slightly shook as your eyes remained focused on the hybrid in front of you. 

He gave you another soft smile, lowering himself on the landing to meet your gaze properly. “My name is Seokjin, but please call me Jin. The wolfdog behind you is Jungkook. You, Beautiful, must be Y/n Spades.” His smile widened as you slowly nodded your head, your own eyes staring at him with mixed emotions. “Your uncle, Takoda Spades, left us a letter detailing that you were to inherit us if anything were to happen... this is correct, yes?” 

“I... the will never mentioned hybrids...” 

“For all of our protection, yes.” 

A new voice. This one deeper than the last, all eyes snapping to the foot of the stairs. He was taller than Jin and seemed to hold more muscle as his white shirt (the same exact one Jin was wearing) had a tighter fit, muscles threatening to breakthrough. His hair was a light ash blonde, smoky and seeming more white/gray, with fluffy dark gray ears on top, pointed and standing alert. Your eyes met his and for a fraction of a second you could have sworn they were glowing lilac but it must have been the lighting, instead they were a warm amber that held a fire inside. A fire that invited you to get closer, to feel his warmth and embrace him. You were lost in that warmth, body leaning slightly forward without your knowledge. 

Jin’s tail softly wagged at the sight of the male, bright eyes looking between the two of you. Your actions didn’t go unnoticed by anyone. “Y/n, this is Namjoon, our pack alpha-”

Swoosh!

A blur of movement ran passed the three of you in the matter of a second. The air hit your bare neck, your eyes wide as you realized the wolfdog, Jungkook, swiped your scarf and took off down the steps. There was shock for a brief moment before panic ensued- what if it was destroyed? The worry you emitted had Jin whining, stepping to you while Namjoon growled after the shifted hyrbid.

“Hey-!”

“Jungkook!”

You jumped up and ran past the two, much to their surprise, and ran down the stairs. You were ready to hunt the wolfdog down, get the scarf back and maybe even exile him to the woods for the night. He could freeze out there for the night, and then maybe he would appreciate the scarf a bit more-

“Oof-!”

You felt something solid and warm once again, this time face first. A hand locked on the back of your head, firmly and carefully, while another wrapped around your waist. Warm breath hit the top of your head, blowing a few strands gently, while you felt pressure rubbing your head.

“Please don’t be mad.” The voice was new one and you could hear the pout in it as well as the worry. It was heartbreakingly sad, could even make the world’s smallest violin sound mediocre in comparison. “It’s safe, it’s just in the wash. I couldn’t take it. Just his scent all over you and clinging to you like that-”

“Jungkook.”

Namjoon was right behind you, voice low with a displeased growl. In response Jungkook whined and clung to you, body locking to yours. His tone reminded you of a kid who got caught doing something bad. “Hyung, his scent is all over her! The scarf in the sink, I’ll wash it and have it dried by tomorrow!” 

Scent? Wooyoung. It took a second but you realized he was on edge about Wooyoung’s scent, on your and the scarf. It was what Jin was talking about earlier, you smelling with another hybrids scent was making them uncomfortable. You tried to step back but Jungkook refused the space. Instead he held tighter, face buried in your hair, cheek rubbing against you in a rushed manner.

“Jungkook, I’m not mad.”  Those magic words had the hybrid loosening his grip on you. It gave you an escape, putting some distance though his arm was still wrapped around your waist with his hand still in on the back of your head. Finger were softly twirling the strands. 

He was just as handsome as Jin and Namjoon; hair was a chocoate brown that was kept longer than the others, his ears were triangular like the others and matched the beautiful shades of his fur when he was shifted, as well as his long and fluffy tail. His eyes were doe-like and gold, trained on you with emotions you didn’t understand. A smile broke out on his face, his teeth looking more bunny-like than wolf. The smile and eyes settled your earlier thoughts and put out the angry fire that he had stirred. The idea of putting him outside nearly made your heartbreak.

“You’re not mad? You don’t want me to leave?” 

At his question your lips curved up slightly. “I’m not putting you in the doghouse Jungkook. I kind of understand why you did what you did.” His tail wagged, eyes brightening, and toned and bare chest rumbling-

Your cheeks turned red as you realized that Jungkook was lacking clothes. You were still being held close, so close you could feel the toned muscles flush against you, as well as something hard pressed right against your stomach-

“Jungkook. Clothes. Now.”

Namjoon was your saving grace, face so red you didn’t want to face them. But they didn’t need to see you to know how you were feeling. To put it lightly, Jungkook was more than pleased to be the one to have your scent become mouther watering and nearly impossible to ignore. You kept your gaze on his collar, refusing to look elsewhere. 

“Yes sir,” You could hear his amusement as his warmth almost disappeared. Almost. “Wait for me in the living room, Honey.” His voice was right in your ear and something sharp nipped at your earlobe. You jumped and squeaked as you hybrid walked out of your view, chuckling at you. 

You could feel the burn in your face, still refusing to move incase you got a whole view of the male. Not that a large part of you didn’t want to look, but damnit you were going to at least have some of your dignity. 

“He’s gone now, Beautiful. You can turn around.” The tease in Jin’s voice brought a pout to your face as you looked at the other two hybrids. Seeing your flushed cheeks and lips stuttering out had them almost cooing. Jin smiled softly at you. “Jungkook’s very playful, though he doesn’t mean harm.” You wanted to snort because the man was obviously trying to give you a heart attack. 

Namjoon stepped forward, a smile trying to form though he held it back. Trying to save you some face at least. In his hands were a few files with DRF stamped in large letters across each one and one envelope with Namjoon written across it. “Mr. Spades left a letter for us and lightly explained a few things.” 

Your heart picked up as you wondered what was written to them. Perhaps there was something hidden inside that letter that you needed. What if they knew what happened to him? What if everything written inside the envelope and solved what happened to your late uncle? 

“Let’s head to the living room, we’ll wait for Jungkook and then talk.” Jin offered, already taking your hand and leading you towards one of the large room. His thumb rubbed soft circles on the back of your hand as those bright blue eyes seemed worried. You could almost feel Namjoon’s own worry radiate from behind the two of you, and you couldn’t help but wonder...

What was in that letter?

While you were pondering what could have been written you failed to realize you had left your device in the car. The screen lit up once more, 7 missed calls from Sassy ASSistant and followed by one text:

Sassy ASSistant: Y/n Spades you are in serious trouble when I get there.

｡❅*⋆⍋*｡*⍋⋆*❅｡    

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[bubblegum-bros-sys]

I’m the host of our system. For those who may not know, that means I front the most and am generally in charge of day-to-day activities and responsibilities.

I am also a front bound host. Or front locked, front stuck, front sticky, whatever other terms you may know. This means, more or less, that I cannot leave front, at least not fully. I’m always aware of the outside to some extent and I have extremely little access to our headspace/innerworld.

For me and our system, this means a lot of things. It means that I’m the person most people outside know. It means that I make most of our decisions and generally get more authority over our life (for better or for worse). It means that I don’t get breaks. It means that majority of the time, the other members of our system can’t really front without going through me, blending with me, being covered by me.

I believe it’s unfair to live like this. The rest of my system doesn’t really get to fully be themselves on the outside. They don’t get to have their own lives, their own friends, their own body.

And for me, I can’t experience the inside. I’m cut off from the inner world/headspace, I’m cut off from anyone who isn’t also in/near front, our memories get all weird while fronting in order to keep things from me.

I have so much responsibility and yet all I really feel like is “the default”.

My headmates feel so special to me. So unique. Like they have purpose. And I know I do too, but half the time, all I feel like is another mask.

I don’t really get to know myself outside of the body. I don’t get to experience the inner world. I cannot physically interact with my headmates the same way they can with each other and it’s honestly isolating.

My job is to be the default, the mask, the “normal”. I’m not normal. Not generally speaking at least. Im neurodivergent, im queer, im weird. I’m still traumatized, I just experience it through frosted glass and ear muffs. But I still feel like the most “normal” person in this system

I feel like the most boring, the most unimportant, because I don’t even have a choice. None of us do. I have to be like this, I have to be in charge of everything, and I’m not even good at it. I don’t get it. I don’t get why I was placed in this role but there doesn’t seem to be any way to change it.

So I try my best at least.

I feel weird even talking about my experience being plural because being a frontbound host it feels like every aspect of me being plural is just the times that I’m not me. I feel like I’m telling other peoples stories, even when I’m involved.

I hate feeling like this is my system or my life because it’s not. I’m not the only one here. Me being the default doesn’t make me any more real or important than the others yet I’m practically forced to act that way cause that’s how everyone sees it.

But when I’m not saying everything is mine, it almost feels like nothing is, especially when it comes to being plural.

If it weren’t for my headmates existing, my life wouldn’t be different from any other singlet because Im always out. All of my plurality is tied to what the other people in my head do or experience and I wouldn’t experience any of that without them. It feels like the only thing that’s special about my plurality is my headmates.

They’re their own people, and they only get to express themselves openly on rare occasions. It almost feels like me talking about myself the same way they do is taking away from that because I already do that on my non-system accounts all the time. I’m the only one who ever gets to not be plural all the time, I’m the only one who gets to present as “normal” if I choose to

But it sucks feeling like I have to. It sucks feeling like this is all I am. I’m plural too. I’m part of this system, but because I’m frontbound, it doesn’t really feel like it. It feels like I’m a singlet who just watches the rest of my headmates do whatever without really being part of that plural experience or when they’re not fronting I’m just alone entirely and it’s weirdly isolating.

Frankly I’m not sure if there’s a point to this, I was just struggling to come up with ideas of what to make a comic about and it turned into this ramble. I figured some people could relate at the very least so I decided to turn it into a post anyways.

-🦩 (Jameson/Jamie, he/they/it)

[princesssascha]

Summer Glow Up Action Plan (1/3 - Health)

As I mentioned in my previous post, we are going to have the best summer of our lives.

I was depressed for years, but during the summer, in just 2 months I became truly unrecognisable.

I did it unintentionally, but I believe I cracked the code to glowing up insanely fast. That is, if you're willing to get out of your comfort zone for a few weeks. But what's worse? Being uncomfortable for 2 months doing something that is good for you OR suffering for years? I'll let you answer that for yourself.

Thanks to my experience I made an action plan to make this summer even better and I'd love to do it together with YOU.

1. Mental Health

If your soul is shattered, your body will reflect that. By taking care of your mind you will automatically want to take care of yourself in every other way. Not because you think you're not pretty enough or smart enough, but because you deserve to be healthy and educated.

Get out of your comfort zone

Whatever that is. Last year I went abroad all by myself. I was so insecure about my English and I was soo socially awkward, but I did it. And when I tell you it was the most special feeling in the world. It was stressful at first, but I came back as a new person. I think it was the main factor that contributed to my mental glow up.

Obviously, you don't have to travel to a different country to glow up, but think about what's something you'd like to try that you're afraid to do. Maybe it's bungee jumping, going out to a restaurant alone, coming up to someone on the street. It is supposed to make you uncomfortable, it's called exposure therapy and it is really one of the best things that I have ever stumbled across.

Meditate

It's popular for a reason. Quiet your mind, control your breathing. You can also do yoga, as it requires the same things as meditation, however you also get physical exercise! Start with 5-10 minutes a day and work your way up to whatevers comfortable for you. You can try guided meditation/yoga for beginners.

Go outside

There's a reason why people tell you it's so important.

First, you get physical exercise, you get fit, you get healthy and everyone's happy.

Like actually happy. Physical exercise (the kind you enjoy ofc!) and being outdoors is proven to be good for your mental health. So go out. You can go somewhere crowded or somewhere isolated like a forest. You can take your pet on a walk if you have one.

Self development content

Especially YouTube, I get that some people can't get themselves to read books, but nowadays there are so many ways to educate ourselves. I will mention this topic again in this post, but I love watching YouTubers that post self development & mindset videos.

My favourite YouTubers are:

TheWizardLiz,

Mae Alice Suzuki,

Tam Kaur

If you like reading I recommend Brianna West, she's incredible.

Affirmations

I am such a fan of affirmations! If you feel bad about yourself start affirming the opposite? You feel insecure? "I am confident" etc. You don't want to affirm out loud. You can do it in your mind or listen to affirmation tapes. Even if you don't feel like it's doing anything KEEP PERSISTING! Your mind will conform.

2. Physical Health

This chapter focuses on health, not beauty, although they are connected. If you're unhealthy you won't be that attractive, because we find health attractive. So here I'll share more advice on being healthier rather than getting a sexier body. Healthy>sexy because HEALTH is SEXY!!

Vitamins and supplements

You can't be healthy if you have a vitamin deficiency. Get a blood test and start taking supplements for what you need.

Here's a little cheat sheet, although please do your own research to be safe and be mindful of what dosage you can ingest!!

Visit a doctor regularly!

If you are getting a disease it's important to diagnose it as soon as possible. In some cases it could save your life!

You need to go to your doctor at least once a year, but you should visit them at least twice a year and whenever you have any concerns. That includes a dentist, gynecologist, dermatologist etc. Although I understand not everyone has free healthcare and there are many reasons why it could be difficult for you to get there, at least go to one doctor once a year or when you suspect something is wrong.

Check up on yourself every month

Of course, you're not gonna go to the doctor every month, so it's important to do a little check up yourself every month. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

- what does your skin look like?

Are there any new moles? Maybe some spots? Just because you have a mole doesn't mean it's dangerous, but a mole could turn into skin cancer, so please be careful! Here are a few tips for recognising if a mole is actually a melanoma:

Melanoma is more likely the paler you are, but no matter what your skin color is you should always wear at least SPF30, although the higher the better. If sunscreens are too greasy for you or leave a whitecast I recommend Missha All-around safe block

Look at your skin, did anything strange appear? Something that wasn't there before? Don't forget about the inside of your mouth or between your toes. Although not very common, melanoma can also appear in your eye, in which case you need to contact a doctor ASAP!!

oral health

I don't think I need to tell you to wash your teeth, but I will still share some tips for those pretty teeth:

Oil pulling: get a spoonful of coconut oil and oil pull for 10-20 minutes. After that rinse your mouth thoroughly.

Wash your teeth for at least 2 minutes after every meal and after waking up, HOWEVER if you eat something acidic wait for at least 30 minutes until you wash your teeth. If you can't wash them rinse your mouth with water, but you should still wash them when you get home.

Use a tongue scraper! Like one of those steel/metal ones and scrape that bad boy. It is honestly disgusting how much bacteria sits on your tongue. There are also 2in1 tongue scrapers and flosses but it won't scrape anything off, so save your money. Also, only use flosses when necessary.

CHECK FOR CAVITIES!!

Seriously! I don't think it needs any explanation. Open your mouth and show your teeth. Look at how they look. If there's anything concerning contact your dentist.

skincare

Although it also suits the beauty part, what we find beautiful is just healthy. No skin conditions, clear glowy skin. What skin concerns do you have? Acne, hyperpigmentation, redness etc. Visit a dermatologist or find some skincare yourself, although do it carefully. Just because something is trendy doesn't mean it's good. Everyone's skin is different, so be mindful.

Also, there are different kinds of pimples, so check which types you have and how you can heal them. You can have just one or multiple kinds.

One universal thing: SPF! CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

haircare

Just like with skincare, healthy hair is what we find beautiful. That's why I emphasize health so much. If you're healthy you are beautiful.

I won't talk about styling right now as it has nothing to do with health, but haircare is 80% of the job.

Is your hair greasy or dry? Keep in mind it can be both, your scalp could be greasy but your ends could be dry. Do you have thick hair or thin hair? Curly or straight? If you bleached your hair it means your hair is damaged (because it's dead), but your hair can be damaged nonetheless, so think about what you need and find products that were made for your concerns.

Learn how to wash your hair correctly. A lot of you guys don't know how to do it. Just because you rub shampoo on your head doesn't mean you're doing it right. And when you're not it could do more harm than good. I recommend theblowoutprofessor on YouTube, he explains it well.

Healthy eating

This is a pretty obvious one so I won't get into details, however if you guys want me to make a post dedicated to healthy eating lemme know in the comments!

Eat veggies and fruits, limit Ur sugar intake. Don't starve yourself, you'll have uncontrollable cravings and you'll get it all back.

move your body

Although good for you both mentally and physically, it's important to choose something you like. Here are my favourite forms of physical activity:

Dancing,

Yoga,

Pilates,

Walking,

Horse riding.

If you don't have a favourite right now, experiment. It doesn't have to be expensive, there are many sports that you can do at home with no equipment.

Try to move for at least 30 minutes/day.

[fairycosmos]

I just read your post about your lack of identity and I feel so very similar. I've always been shy and quiet and weird even as a kid but nowadays (I'm 23) I have extreme social anxiety and one tip I always hear is to "just be yourself" and to not be ashamed if you say/do something embarassing etc etc. And the thing is...I dont know how to be myself. I spent the last 5 years basically only interacting with my immediate family because i lost all my friends due to my mental illness and my being unable to be a normal young person. And in this time of (relative) isolation all these things that humans naturally do in interactions or just everyday life have become very hard and artificial-feeling for me. Like everything i do i am aware of and i think it through, even the dumbest stuff like scratching my fucking nose. Now when I'm around other people I lose all sense of who I am and what I want to do and say. I'm not even scared to embarass myself anymore, I just turn into a completely empty shell around others because it feels like all of myself is gone then, so it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to "be myself". What would myself do now? Smile? Say something? Move around in my seat? I literally dont know. Who am I even? And then I HAVE TO put on some kind of facade and try to act normal because otherwise i would literally sit there, staring blankly into space with no expression, not saying a word. It is so fucking hard. Sorry for telling you this, I hope you have a nice day if you ever read this <3

i completely understand what you mean, im in the same boat and honestly you articulated this so well.....ive nicknamed it social or mental atrophy and it's incredibly painful and disorienting to deal with......what's worse is you'd think the simple solution is to just force yourself to be around people more but it's not that simple at all and it just sucks so fucking bad. especially the older you get. im 23 too and i just feel like i never got to develop a mind or personality of my own around others. to this day im just on autopilot with nothing to offer and my natural state is just silence and not talking or expressing anything. people are obviously not very drawn to that and it's just a really lonely way to be but i quite literally don't know how to be anything else. i go through that too - just questioning what am i supposed to do in this moment? what would "i" do or say? i just don't know and ive tried really hard to push myself into social situations for years and it still hasn't changed anything. yeah, i completely get what you mean - it's really hard and im sorry you have to deal with it as well. i truly hope you find people who appreciate you the way you deserve to be appreciated. i hope you're able to discover yourself bit by bit and that you feel comfortable enough to express that someday. i hope you have a nice day too and if you ever need a friend or anything feel free to shoot me a message ❤️

[trans-androgyne]

I don't really do this like at all but I have no idea where else to express my frustrations and dejection. This is pretty negative so no need to even read it but If you do I really appreciate it. I'm a transmasculine teenager and I remember first coming to tumblr from reddit cause I heard there was more transmasculine folks here and I was like waooww! Sounds great. I expected cool memes or positivity or representation just something I could relate to because I genuinely hated myself for being trans, so much. Can't come out at school, can't transition for like another four years, can't entirely come out to family either, so I can seek solace online. Now tumblr has become by #1 doomscroll site and I hate myself more than ever for newer reasons. Wooow. And this time it's coming from other queer people and it feels worse than anything I read from a genuine right-wing bigot. I keep feeling like my existence is just irrational and misogynistic and hopeless. I don't know how to feel any better about my identity as a transgender male.

Gods, I've been in really similar spots, I'm so sorry. Seeing the same old vitriol from cis transphobes is one thing. But when I stumbled into the discourse about transmascs on here, feeling that hated and rejected by my fellow queer and trans people pushed me to the brink of detransitioning. There are two main ways I pushed through that.

The first was to focus on other transmascs. Sure, I can hate myself for "choosing the wrong side" or whatever, but would I ever, ever say that about another transmasc? I wouldn't. I would never tell them half the stuff I believed about myself. It became clear to me that queer masculinity, especially trans masculinity and manhood, gets pushback both from inside and outside the queer community that it does not deserve. One's gender and gender presentation does not relate to their morality. Queer masculinity is beautiful and radical, no matter what anyone tries to tell you, and I let myself fall in love with it and engage in it out of spite. Even if I couldn't accept it on myself, I committed myself to letting other transmascs out there know that I believed their transmasculinity made the world a better place. After a while, it was a little easier to feel that way about myself too. I still get insecure about it, but I can always lean on other transmascs and transmasc allies about it.

That's the second strategy. I felt so isolated and alone as a transmasc, especially when we were being blamed for predstrogen being banned, that I ended up making a discord server centered on trans men and mascs. I've gotten so many friends and even two new partners out of that! It turns out that there are plenty of people who love transmasculinity even if they aren't transmasc themselves. An example is my trans femme S.O. who loves me being her transmasc stone butch and praises my masculinity constantly :) I suggest to all transmascs ever to surround themselves with as many people as they can that see the value of transmasculinity and don't hold bigoted beliefs about transmascs (because yes, believing that we're all annoying and attention-seeking and self-centered and misogynistic is bigoted). My server is always open if that might help you, but other spaces are out there as well. Just know you deserve to be supported in your identity and there are plenty of people who would give you that support. You are always, always, always welcome in my inbox, or DMs, or anywhere else. Please reach out if I can be of any help.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi, im an 18 year old pre-transition trans guy and ive grown up in an incredibly repressive fundie household which has caused me to really struggle both socially and with my sexual development. ive been homeschooled nearly my whole life and am currently getting everything set up to enroll for college this fall, this will be my first time living away from my abusive household and im very nervous about it..

anyhow, im in a really really weird situation right now. because of my shelteredness ive always been extremely isolated irl, ive never had a consensual romantic or sexual experience irl and all of my friends are online friends. well, one of my online friends (a cis guy who i knew from an online forum) and i started fooling around a bit, flirting and then eventually very explicit conversations, trading nudes and sexual video calls. we were extremely emotionally close and the relationship was pseudo-romantic but we both agreed we didn't want to do online dating after both of us having a bad experience with it previously.

this whole situation allowed me to experiment sexually more than i ever have, and i really felt more sexually confident than i ever have.

when we met, he told me he was freshly 19. and for the whole relationship i was under that impression, he didn't give me any reason to doubt it. but two days ago he couldn't handle lying anymore and revealed that he was 15. needless to say that was an incredible shock and i dealt with it as responsibly as i think i can.

the reason i'm coming to you about this is because i feel really weird about the whole thing, i dont blame myself for believing him and im not mad at him because i understand what lead him to those choices, but now i feel really awkward about all of the good things i got out of the situation before the reveal.. this was my first time ever really doing "real" sexual stuff with someone (beyond just texting i mean, i had never exchanged nudes or done vidoe calls like that before) everything sexual i encounter now makes me feel awkward because of all of this, its really weird and uncomfortable and i don't know what to do :(

im not sure what im hoping to get out of telling you this but i can't really talk about this to anyone else i feel like, so i guess i just wanted to get it off my chest

(if anyone responds to this accusing me of taking advantage of him or not handling the situation correctly, firstly you have basically no context and secondly you don't know what i did to take care of the situation. let me and my close friends be the ones to judge how i handled it, this is an extremely complicated situation for me to be in and you being judgmental does nothing positive for it.)

hi anon,

oofah doofah, what a sucky situation.

I totally understand feeling grossed out by the reveal; those feelings are real and deserve recognition. it's not nice to be lied to, especially when the truth casts all of your previous experiences in a totally different light - and a much scarier one, since you could very well have been breaking the law by exchanging nudes with a 15 year old, depending on where you live! this person could have gotten you in huge trouble by lying, which makes this whole situation that much worse.

having said that, you don't need to feel good about having had a good time and having gotten some positive experiences out of this dynamic. you were enjoying a relationship that you had every reason to believe was above board and it did great things for your sexual confidence! that's not retroactively untrue just because you were being misled; all of the good things you felt are still real.

think of it this way: when a couple breaks up there's often a urge to feel that they've been wasting their time together, that all of the energy and devotion they brought to their relationship was ultimately a waste because they didn't die together in bed holding hands at the tender age of 107. but that isn't true! no relationship is a waste of time, and even when things don't work out, that doesn't mean the good things didn't count. every time those people made each other laugh, everything they encouraged each other to try, every new thing they experienced together, every time they had sex, every meal they shared - all of these are real and matter and helped shape them for the better, even if they ended up parting ways as romantic partners.

the same is true for you. take your time to sit with your hurt at this loss and betrayal of your trust, but don't throw the good out with the bad. this wasn't ultimately a good relationship for you, but that doesn't mean it brought nothing of value into your life, and you can carry what you learned about yourself forward with you as you seek more appropriate partners :)