#emotional pain and past trauma
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TYYY, im the anon who requested avgin reader <33
i was thinking maybe part 2, where aventurine remembers that he promised to marry reader (an aventurine fan being delusional in its finest after some lovely angst), he would remember the promise because his past self told him that he would marry reader when he's older, and maybe he tries to find us but we already leave penacony
he looks for us for a while, but doesn't find us, until he comes across us again, but we have different colored eyes (contacts(im imagining every avgin has their own very unique eyes)). he tells us that he is sorry, but he had to leave kakavasha behind in order to become aventurine, AND WE MAKE OUT
jkjk
but he wants us to starts over and be friends again, and then eventually we start dating
i love being delusional over fictional men (especially aventurine)
End of Beginning | Part 2
Summary: Driven by a forgotten promise he made to you in your youth, Aventurine searches for you, only to discover you have also changed.
Tags: Aventurine x Reader, Slow Burn, Second Chance Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Reunited Lovers, Childhood Friends to Strangers to Lovers, Emotional Repression, Confession in the Rain, Friends to Lovers.
Warnings: Emotional Pain and Past Trauma, Identity Struggles, Themes of Loss and Separation, Mild Language.
A/N: OMG HIII!! 🤭I LOVED YOUR PREVIOUS REQ AND YOU'RE SO REAL FOR THAT LMAOO!! ANYWAYS, I HOPE YOU LOVE THIS ONE 🫶💖🥰
(Part 1)
The rain came down like a forgotten melody, blurring the neon lights of Penacony's streets into hazy streaks of color. Aventurine stood beneath an awning, absentmindedly watching the downpour, his hand resting in his pocket, fingers brushing against a small object: a chipped, red gemstone you’d given him back on Sigonia-IV, long before everything had changed.
It had started with a memory—half-formed, distant but persistent. "When I’m older," his voice from another time had echoed faintly, "I’ll marry you." He hadn’t thought of that promise in years, but it lingered now, blooming in the spaces between his fabricated smiles and rehearsed confidence. In the midst of high-stakes deals and risky wagers, a part of him had begun yearning for something more honest, something only you could have given him.
And so, he had started looking. But you had already left Penacony, slipping away just as he arrived at places where he was certain he’d find you. Weeks turned into months, yet his search continued, propelled by a restless ache he couldn’t deny. Each dead-end only amplified the memory of you—your laughter, the way you’d said his real name, Kakavasha, as if it held his entire world within it.
Finally, he found himself in a quiet place far from the bustling cities, the perfect setting for chance reunions. He spotted you standing beneath a flickering streetlight, your silhouette softened by the drizzle. But when you turned to face him, he froze, heart hammering as he took in your unfamiliar gaze—your eyes were different, colored lenses casting your unique Avgin irises into another shade.
Still, he could tell it was you. He took a step forward, and you blinked in recognition, guarded but unable to disguise the glint of emotion in your expression.
“Kakavasha...” you murmured, almost like a question, but he could hear the hope hidden in your voice.
He clenched his jaw, glancing down as he felt the weight of that name settle into him. “I... I’m sorry,” he began, voice barely rising above the rainfall. “I had to leave Kakavasha behind to become Aventurine.”
The words hung between you both, fragile but resolute. You studied him, looking for a hint of the boy you once knew, the one who had promised forever. He took another step, so close now that he could see the light rain gathering in your hair, feel the warmth of your presence. “I remember... that I once told you I’d marry you one day,” he confessed softly, almost afraid to voice it aloud. “That’s why I’ve been looking for you.”
“Why didn’t you stay?” The hurt in your voice was undeniable, woven with both sorrow and defiance. “Why did you let go of everything we had?”
Aventurine closed his eyes, breathing through the ache. “I had to,” he said quietly, “to survive, to become someone who could protect you, in a way I couldn’t before.” He looked up at you, eyes revealing the struggle beneath his poised exterior. “But I want to try again, to be... someone you can trust. Let’s start over. As friends, if that’s what you want.”
The words opened a wound, yet there was something in his gaze—vulnerable and raw—that made you want to believe him. The rain picked up, pouring harder now, drenching you both in a cloak of silver. He lifted his hand, hesitated, then let it fall, as if afraid he no longer had the right to reach for you.
And then, standing under the rain, words escaped you, unbidden but true. “Then let’s start over.” Your voice was a whisper, but it was enough.
Aventurine’s eyes softened, a flicker of hope sparking within them. He stepped back, nodded, and offered a small smile that, for the first time in years, felt genuine. Neither of you moved to leave; instead, you lingered, drenched and laughing softly under the storm, sharing a tentative glance that promised more than any words could convey.
As the rain poured down, you both knew this was only the beginning—of something fragile, yet unbreakable.
#hsr#honkai star rail#x reader#honkai star rail x reader#hsr x reader#hsr aventurine#aventurine x reader#aventurine x you#hsr aventurine x reader#aventurine#aventurine honkai star rail#star rail aventurine#slow burn#second chance romance#angst with a happy ending#reunited lovers#childhood friends to strangers#to lovers#emotional repression#confession in the rain#friends to lovers trope#friends to lovers#emotional pain and past trauma#identity struggles#themes of loss and separation#mild language
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ppl are too quick to point to laios' disability as the reason his friends think he's a freak sometimes. so many instances of laios getting yelled at are, in my eyes, a case of "this guy had to emotionally mature very early in order to be there for his little sister" combined with "much older friends who never had to learn to manage their own emotions to the same degree"
a lot of the time he's right about needing to be more direct/deal with things in a way that may seem scary/needing to put your gut reaction aside. he tries not to make his friends uncomfortable and he puts up with a lot because he's trying to keep the peace, but he also pushes the others out of their comfort zones purposefully to try to get them to think more constructively. everyone else in the party is prone to acting on their gut instincts and avoiding uncomfortable situations even when facing them head-on is very much necessary. part of what makes laios such a great leader is the fact that he knows from experience how to put his own feelings aside to help someone else grow.
yes, he does make a lot of social blunders by accident and he does struggle to connect with others, but not all of his positive influence on others is accidental or "despite" making people uncomfortable. a lot of the time, I think it's clear he knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to help the people around him process emotions in a healthy way as they all go through some truly harrowing shit. all the main characters support each other as well as they can with their unique emotional skillsets. laios' skillset just happens to be "gently talk child into eating her vegetables"
#deerchatter#dungeon meshi#laios touden#of course this IS also connected to his disability. bc having an iron grip on your own emotional reaction is often needed to survive#in an ableist society. and he wouldn't have had to parent falin so much if the two of them hadn't been ostracized growing up#but the point of the post is that laios is a lot more emotionally intelligent than his party (or many fans) realizes#he's not just stumbling ass-first into being helpful he is clearly applying a skillset that is direly lacking in his friends#marcille and chilchuck in particular haaaaate uncomfy situations and are under the impression that if smth Feels bad then it Is bad.#and senshi avoids so many situations and feelings because of his trauma that he's been unable to grow past it on his own#this post was particularly inspired by the griffin meat scene. everyone else suggests senshi just avoid his trauma forever#and they're absolutely shocked when laios suggests senshi try to grow and overcome his pain bc. That Sounds Scary. lol#so many of the story's themes revolve around overcoming your own impulses and biases#and laios is uniquely suited to leading that change.#r.i.p. laios/toshiro friendship you guys have so much more in common than you realize
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#showing up#it's okay to be messy#authenticity#feelings#emotions#your feelings are valid#your pain is valid#your trauma is valid#healing#recovery#doing the work#doing the hard stuff#making mistakes#doing your best#growth#trauma#grief#coping#difficult times#compassion fatigue#activism fatigue#you don't have to be perfect#you are enough#you are worthy#you matter#you are not alone#you are not your past#you are not your mistakes#you are not a failure#you are good enough
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Whumptober 2023 | No. 29
Troubled Past Resurfacing
Prodigal Son s01e12: “What were you so desperate to forget?”
@whumptober @whumptober-archive
#whumptober2023#no.29#troubled past resurfacing#prodigal son#gifs#whumpedit#whump#trauma#childhood trauma#angst#ptsd#painful memories#emotional whump#malcolm bright#tom payne#my gifs#i miss my whump king#gotta continue the tradition of posting at least one malcolm bright gifset for whumptober <3
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I wish I could meet you in the street
Maybe one of us will be lost and would stop the other to ask for directions
We will share a laugh on how we are the worst people to ask for directions
You would feel comfortable enough to have coffee with me
I would remind you of your daughter that looks like me
Maybe you would say some kind words about her
Maybe you would ask me for advice on being a better mother
Maybe if I met you as a woman and not a mother we would like each other
I pray that you never know how much you hurt me
I hope you never realize how you tortured and broke me every day
It would kill you mother
I hope you never know
#sadnees#tw depressing thoughts#depressing shit#tw depressing stuff#mother#did you miss me?#childhood ptsd#childhood truama#crying child#inner child#child abuse#tw abuse#narcissistic abuse#emotional abuse#toxic parents#i am in pain#generational truama#truamacore#tw truama#tw ptsd#ptsd vent#living with ptsd#trauma#mentally fucked#thought daughter#deppressed#past lives#you broke my heart#please help#healing
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Whumptober 2024 Fills Part 3: Aftermath
AO3
Fandom: Legend of Zelda (Breath of the Wild)
Central Character(s): Link and Zelda
No.8: SLEEP DEPRIVATION | Isolation Chamber | Forced to Stay Awake | "Leave the lights on." (Coldplay, Midnight)
No.12: STARVATION | Underground Caverns | Cannibalism | "Just a little more."
No.15: CHILDHOOD TRAUMA | Painful Hug | Moment of Clarity | "I did good, right?"
No.18: REVENGE | Unreliable Narrator | Loss of Identity | “I see what's mine and take it.” (Panic! at the Disco, Emperor's New Clothes)
No.20: EMOTIONAL ANGST | Shoulder to Cry On | Giving Permission to Die | "It's not your fault."
No.27: VOICELESS | Laboratory | Muzzled | “I have no mouth and I must scream.”
No.29: FATIGUE | Labyrinth | Burnout | "Who said you could rest?"
No.31: ASKING FOR HELP | Therapy | Making Amends | "I'm alive, I'm just not well." (Elliot Lee, Alive, Not Well.)
Warnings: Past emotional abuse, brief (non-graphic) mention of injury
Also a sequel to Febuwhump 2024 Day 29
---
Link was trembling in Zelda's arms, not sure what to do, not sure how to stop the tears pouring down his cheeks, not sure what she even wanted of him now. He didn't remember anyone ever touching him like this. It… was almost painful in a way that wasn't due at all to pressure on his injuries or the ache of hunger in his belly or the thumping headache caused by trying to replace sleep with stamina elixirs.
"Princess," he slurred out through a tight throat. He'd called her Zelda before and he wasn't sure that was right.
He wasn't sure about anything any more. Since he'd woken up in the Shrine of Resurrection and heard her voice he'd had one purpose: save the princess. Kill the Calamity and save the princess.
He'd done that.
Now what?
Did he go back to being her dutiful knight? Was that what she wanted of him? He didn't think he knew how to do that any more. He wasn't who she remembered. He didn't think he ever could be again.
Trembling himself, he slowly put his arms around her. She squeezed him a little tighter and a shiver went though him, warm and cold all at once.
He wasn't used to hugs. Since he'd woken up nobody had hugged him.
It… it felt strange. Good, but strange.
She snuggled impossibly closer, still crying into his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," she mumbled. "I… I'm sorry, I…"
He shook his head. He was the one who had failed. He coughed to clear his throat and struggled to get the words out, hating how difficult it was to be articulate. He hoped the sound of his voice wouldn't disappoint her.
"It… 's not… your f…fault," he managed at last. "You t-t-ried… so hard."
She sat back on her heels, sniffling and wiping fruitlessly at her eyes.
"You… fought all alone… so long," he said slowly, the words coming out so rusty and awkward. "I… I'm sorry. Should… should've… protected you. Took… too long. Sorry…" His breath caught and he swallowed, trying to sniff back his own tears, trying to yet again put aside the hunger and pain and exhaustion. He didn't know who he was any more, but he could try to go back to being her knight. He could try.
"No," she said. "No, don't… don't apologize. I… I don't even have… the right to ask for help… when… it's all my fault. All of it." Her voice cracked into a wail and she buried her face in her hands again.
"No!" he rasped out.
"My father… he always said… I could… if I really wanted… And he… he was right," she said between sobs. "If… If I'd just…"
Tentatively, he put his arms around her again and guided her head back onto his shoulder. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to somehow express that her father's words had been cruel and unfair. That he knew she'd tried as hard as she could. That he had no explanation for why she had finally found her power when she had. He wanted to tell her about the memories of her he had clawed back together and what he'd seen of her pain and her longing, but the words slipped off his tongue and out of his mind as they always did.
At last, as she got too tired to keep crying and her sobs began to ease, he managed, "I remember… the Spring of P-Power. You… really wanted… t-tried so hard… I… believe in you. Did your b-best."
"No." She hiccupped. "No… I was capable of… of using that power… so the… the fact it didn't work… means I wasn't doing my best…"
For a moment a memory sparkled up out of the darkness in Link's mind: listening in helpless silence as King Rhoam berated Zelda yet again.
Father, I'm doing my best! I really am and you said that was all anyone could do!
If you were doing your best, you would have unlocked your power by now.
He blinked and was back in Hyrule Field again.
"Link?" Zelda had pulled back again and was looking at him in confusion.
He shook his head and swallowed hard. "M-Memory," he said. He swallowed hard and scrambled over words for a moment, once again struggling to articulate what he wanted to say.
To his relief, she just laid her head on his shoulder again and said softly, "Take your time, it's OK."
"I… remembered… your father telling… you th-that. That thing you j-just said. And… he was wrong. You always… did your b-best. D-dont rem… remember much, b-but I remember th… that."
There was a long pause, during which she didn't move from leaning against him. At last, she said, "You really think so?"
He nodded. "Did good."
She laughed, though it turned halfway into another sob. "I did good?"
He laughed too. "You did good."
And suddenly they were laughing together instead of crying, though he wasn't even sure what they were laughing about. He was so tired and he guessed she was too. He didn't know who he was any more or what he was supposed to do now, and as he remembered how driven she had been to unlock her power and how much she had been forced towards that as the only purpose of her life, he guessed she felt much the same. There was really nothing to laugh at, but still they laughed and cried all mixed up together until they were worn out, leaning on each other. Link's head and stomach and throat all ached. He felt a little dizzy as the last of the adrenaline faded from his system.
"What shall we do now?" asked Zelda, sounding as lost as he felt.
"Eat?" he murmured without thinking.
She laughed again. "Oh, Link… I… I am hungry, actually. Oh, I'm hungry." Another hysterical laugh. "A hundred years and I wasn't… but I didn't need to eat." Her breath caught. "I'm going to… I'm going to need so much help getting used to… being alive again."
He pulled back and dug in his pouch to pull out a perfect egg tart that he'd made at the last stable when he was preparing to make this final approach to the castle. He'd thought at the time it was probably a waste of space that he should use for another elixir - and he could have done with another mighty elixir in the battle - but had made this instead, with some premonition that he'd want it. And now he knew what he wanted it for.
"Oh!" she exclaimed as he handed it to her. "For… for me? These are my favorite!" She looked up, eyes shining. "Did you… remember?"
He rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't want to lie to her. "Not… really? Thought… might want… something." He could feel himself blushing. "And thought of… this. It's for you." Maybe he had remembered, even if he didn't know it.
Her eyes were still bright as she took a bite, but then she closed them with a long sigh. "Oh… Link, thank you so much," she said.
He smiled back, his heart full despite his exhaustion and hunger and the pain of his injuries.
He'd done it. He'd fulfilled the oath his former self had made. He'd saved the princess. He'd defeated the Calamity.
He didn't know what to do now, but for the moment it was enough.
#whumptober2024#no.8#no.12#no.15#no.18#no.20#no.27#no.29#no.31#sleep deprivation#starvation#childhood trauma#painful hug#“I did good right”#loss of identity#emotional angst#shoulder to cry on#“It's not your fault”#voiceless#fatigue#asking for help#legend of zelda breath of the wild#fic#past abuse#my fanfic#botw link#botw zelda
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some people will look at my current wip and say that malcolm running his hands through jamie's hair as he sleeps and singing him old scottish songs is out of character but to that i say a) no it's not just hear me out and b) suck my fat cock you can't stop me from making those old men experience Real Human Emotions
#the question is what should he sing. it's tempting to say something cliched like wild mountain thyme#but i'm thinking something by the corries. they were my entire childhood and i like to imagine malcolm listens to them#listen usually i hate people making pairings like this too soft or nice#but this is immediately after they beat the fucking shit out of each other and have a screaming match. it just fits ok#it's clear that malcolm's work personality is entirely separate from the rest of him (initially at least)#i think he has a real soft / caretaker streak in him that he reserves exclusively for his niece/nephew + his mother + jamie#and on another tangent. i think malcolm listens to a lot of scottish music. very in touch with his roots and culture#jamie on the other hand has a more complicated relationship with it#he has that internal struggle of seeing Home as a place of pain and hardship and bad memories and trauma#home is somewhere you leave / escape. so traditional scottish stuff reminds him of that and it's weird#he also has the conflict of having been treated differently for his accent etc in the past so he tries to separate himself from it sometime#scotland to him is old school working class industry men with chronic emotional constipation#a lot harder to romanticise than the fucking rolling hills and the glens#(i'm projecting with fucking all of this. if i'm finally getting lanarkshire boy rep on tv i'm projecting onto it ok)#ttoi#the thick of it
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alright i’m not saying this to shit on anyone’s ideas or theories because i don’t really fucking care, but me personally,,,,
I HATE THE IDEA THAT THERE IS SOME BIG THEORY OR PLAN OR SOME SHIT BEHIND AZIRAPHALES ACTIONS
LIKE… BRO THEIR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP IS ONE BIG RELIGIOUS TRAUMA/INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA ALLEGORY PLEASE HIW DO YOU NIT SEE THIS
like??? crowley asks too many questions, gets kicked out, realizes who he is, falls in love with the side he’s not supposed to?????? and aziraphale loves him too, but believes he has to be good for god, and he can’t bring himself to admit that he loves crowley because he is taught that it’s wrong????
WHY WOUKD YOU WANT TO PUT THIS OUT IN EXCHANGE FOR A THEORY PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY ANGST WHAT THE FUCK GUYS
i need to see my little gay beings emotionally FUCKED please leave me alone
#good omens spoilers#good omens#good omens season 2#ineffables#aziracrow#just….lots of thoughts about their relationship#no i definitely don’t have trauma from past relationships#no i am definitely not projecting onto crowley and wanting to see him feel the painful emotions i have felt in order to be able to validate#and cope with my own emotions#that’s ridiculous
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I just want to say thank you to everyone who is or has interacted with Makoto in times or verses where he hasn't experienced The Horrors. I've been thinking of how irrevocably different things can get for him once things go south and MAN. There's just something about characters whose trauma happens during the story itself instead of being part of the backstory that hits different for me
edit: i love writing him going through The Horrors don't get me wrong I just also like it when he gets a break
#ooc ramblings.#(i vanished yesterday bc I was playing catch up with Limbus. currently stuck on 6-29 though)#as always i'm in great emotional pain thinking about Makoto. my favorite guy who stays upright and forces himself to stay together even#while he's breaking apart and crumbling on the inside#who never gives up and does what he can. who constantly scrambles around trying to turn every hopeless situation he's in around.....#me thinking up the phrase 'he was robbed of so much that even his past was stolen' sent me down a SPIRAL of thoughts#about Makoto post-DR1 (and post-trauma in every verse of his tbh even if his memories aren't taken in most of them)#also whenever I think about how Makoto gets better at lying in response his feeling that he has to be as strong as he can be#for others makes me go a little insane actually
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The fact that all my TTRPG characters since Myrrah have a problem with repressing their emotions and/or true self is really saying a lot about me.
#hel is talking#hel ocs#lysara#lysara ibruael#hel stories#like really. Myrrah hides her past and insecurities behind a femme fatale behavior.#Lycarn's religious trauma + upbringing makes that she didn't explore herself until almost dying.#Merenias is hiding their pain behind the jester persona and never cared to explore who they are beyond that.#Ivani (who is an NPC) still has so many secrets tied down to lore that she uses sass and agressivity to cope.#and boi if I start talking about how much Tyrfing represses we'll still be there tomorrow#man is NOTHING but emotional repression pent-up emotions and touchstarvation he hides behind brooding and introversion
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i hate feeling ashamed.
#i think i hate being ace. am i? i think im desperate not to be.#i hate people who act superior to others for no fucking reason.#just because you do feel an emotional reaction to a bully/troll/douchebag doesnt make you naive or insignificant or weak.#it's not some “gotcha!” moment that you do care about what words people use. that you feel upset. even if you act irrationally.#feelings ARE irrational. and that's okay. it does not make you weak.#basically i cant believe i stumbled across a borderline acephobic troll on a viral tumblr post in the year of our lord 2024.#i think it legitimately triggered me. which sucks real fucking bad. idk if it's fair to call this “trauma” but i think you can still have#triggers even if you're not.#sometimes certain things really revert me to a past mental state and make me feel trapped and ashamed and fearful. and that sucks!#but what im feeling IS real. it IS painful even if it's just a dick online. im not weak for having an intense emotional reaction to somethi#that makes me feel emotionally unsafe.#god i hate how therapy speak has become so common that now it becomes misused/overused all the time#and thus it's now an easy dig to just make fun of someone for using any kind of language they learned in therapy.#legitimately what kind of douchebag does that.#some people are truly unpleasant and sickening and it really really sucks that you cant just. not ever interact with unpleasant and sickeni#people. but that's reality for you.#i feel better now. jesus christ that was awful.#mine
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A partial breakthrough:
So I had to go to the dentist today… haven’t been since I was a child 😓 Whatever, that’s no big deal. The big deal is going somewhere by myself…. I realize for years I focused on everyone but me. I talked to emotionally unavailable men who made me feel like sh*t. Why did I talk to them??? They were lying about making me feel that way… With their words, they’re promising me Jupiter but with their actions, they’re acting like I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve to be alive. Andrew was with me during a suicide attack ensuring me that something is wrong with me… who could resort to suicide, unless something is seriously messed up with them?? LIES!!!!!!
So long I knew nothing about manipulating or emotional abuse & how worthless they are trying to make you believe you are. Make you feel like a burden when they dump alll their burdens on you and ask you to carry them!!! Cody cried to me so many times “please fix me” uggggh 😭😭😭 bro, I can’t fix myself. How can I fix you??? But with allllll the love in my heart, I tried!!!!! I was faithful to Cody and Andrew!!!! They drug my heart through the mud and I didn’t understand it…..
I already didn’t trust myself after I broke up with Andrew but I didn’t know why. THEN when I learn about emotional abuse, I realize how evil the world is. How cruel and selfish people are. I begin to make sense of all my digestive issues I’ve been having and various other problems!!!!!!!!! My body won’t ever rest and I NEVER feel confident to go out and do anything new by myself. It all makes sense now!! I’m almost nervous to go out by myself cuz in the back of my mind, what if my exes are stalking me or what if something else happens AND I don’t wanna live in fear like that 😳😳😳
Someone told me the other day, “you gotta tell your brain that you’re safe now.” Like ok, I’m trying but it stays froze up. I don’t trust anyone new and I don’t go for anything new. I watch the same sitcoms on repeat. For years: I’ve felt guilt when I buy myself something. No matter how small…. I’ve neglected myself so long. I mean, I haven’t been to the freakin dentist since I was a kid!!!!! Today was HUGE for me. (It’s not that my parents like didn’t help me growing up, they did just that at some point they depended on me to take care of grandma and help my bro out so like they passively aggressively ignored my needs to use me but they really needed me and I was a kid… I didn’t know what I was doing but I took on this “mother” role & just self abandoned so easy.)
I have been asking myself lately, why IS it so hard to take care of my own needs… why is it so scary and painful?? Why do I fear doing adult things on my own??? I mean, school labeled me with a “learning disability” I’ve battled that all my life trying to get over that label PLUS talking to emotionally unavailable men who consistently put me down… always being critical of me so I expect it now. I wait for my husband to be critical and put me down. Then if he doesn’t, I beat myself up because I know I’m comparing him to past relationships 😓 that’s not fair to him!!!! I’ve lived my marriage with one foot in and one foot ready to flee if it goes dark again… 💔💔
I feel this WALL currently in front of me and I know it’s a part of the healing journey that needs another break through. Also, I need to legit forgive my exes not just keep saying it but acting on it and I need to get over the past. Get over this “wall” I feel. This “emotional barrier” keeping me from being in the present with my family and husband. Ugh.
I don’t know what’s next but I don’t believe I’m stuck. I just believe I’m learning more life lessons and help is on the way. I WILL get over this wall. I haven’t been able to legit full on cry like I use to. I wanna cry for Andrew and even Cody. I cried when we broke up but I mean, I wanna cry to where I grieve fully over Andrew and then just let him go!!!! Plz God 🙏🏻
One more thing: I’ve been tired beyond words. I have had zero energy to do anything hardly. I realize for the first time this week I HAVE TO REST!!!!!! 😝😝😝 I want to keep going and I will but I mean on top of healing the trauma and the betrayal, I’ve been healing my digestive and now needing trips to the dentist like I never dreamt all this would happen!!!!!! (Not blaming the dentist trips on the abuse, that’s just part of ignoring myself too long) I thought it was just a heart break 💔 but when it wouldn’t heal so easy, I KNEW something was more serious at play. I can’t quite explain it but wow. 🤯 it’s sooo much…..
One Freakin Day At A Time 🥴❤️🩹🙏🏻🥺😝
#breakthrough#wall#emotional barriers#my story#emotional abuse#unpacking#healingjourney#healing journal#family caregiver#heartbreak#self awareness#online relationships#betrayal trauma#betrayal#self reflection#growing pains#healing the inner child#the past#life journey#writers on tumblr#writers and poets#remind me to forget#Kyo & miguel#Young bombs#personal post#personal vent#personal stuff#personal rant#personal growth#tired
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i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am
#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately#like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad#i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic#and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me#the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic#let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything#like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing#i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard#the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know#with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things#n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case#it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has.#the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others#this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate#its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences#its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control#ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship#we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people#so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there#ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere
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it pains me to announce that if you got fucked over by someone with a mental illness and now you project that mental illness onto everyone mildly strange who you come into contact with
you too are MENTALLY ILL and you need to stop scapegoating others for your problems because you are the fucking problem.
#this is directed at everyone who thought i was their BPD mother cuz im expressive#and everyone who accuses random people they dont even know who havent even done anything bad#of having NPD or BPD vibes#YOU ARE THE MENTALLY ILL ONE IF YOU TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY#youre the paranoid narcissist bpd haver etc. because this is literally what cluster Bs do by definition#they project the emotional pain and trauma of their past onto everyone around them#thats their entire cluster b disorder and what it does#i hate the discourse around cluster bs esp. npd and aspd which dehumanizes them in this weird way#where theyre turned into like these legendary deities of evil who are no longer human bc of their disorder#no... they are weak humans who are letting their demons run them. its literally that simple.#we're all traumatized but some ppl use it as an excuse to succumb to their demons whilst others act with respect#acting like cluster b are irredeemable or cant be cured or have some ailment that is beyond the plebian understanding#is actually a way to keep them avoiding accountability.#and force people around them into a “oh theyre just like that and they cant change and we have to accept them” mentality#if you have a cluster b disorder youre not specially traumatized and incomprehensible to the normies at all#youre just weak#and a bad person#and you need to get a grip#lol reason 2352852398 i hate psychiatry#it gives people with these disorders a label to identify with and this entraps them further in their fixation#like enneagram when used as a dumb personality quiz does
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CW: vent post that includes mention of abuse and suicidal ideation (I’m having flashbacks and nightmares)
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I can’t sleep. The more I’m safer and the more I actually realize how much better off I am, the more my brain comes online. Which means, I can access my memories and feel them.
I’m feeling all of it lately.
My period came in earlier today, and I also had therapy.
I am full on sobbing now… again.
In the fall/winter of 2022, I was teetering between giving up everything and trying to survive.
I’m sobbing because (and some of my close friends, my last three therapists, and my psychiatrist know this) if I hadn’t left my ex-spouse when I did (reluctantly and with the help of my friends), I would have absolutely killed myself.
I thought my life was over. I tried my best, this was the best it was ever going to get, and I was going to alienate all my friends, the people I was in love with, my family, and everyone else… to try to be with them and then eventually end it all.
Sometimes I felt like that’s what they wanted.
I remember the last week I was with them - they yelled and said so many hateful things to me, almost drove me out our home by inching me towards the door… after they were done, I retreated upstairs to the bathroom while they called their mom to complain about me. They were worried I was going to abuse my medication and wanted to take it away. Their mom told me they couldn’t take away my medication.
I mean, yeah, the level of psychosis and control and insecurity has gotten out of control. I felt so unsafe all the time. I was in a complete state of dysregulation myself - pleasure seeking and holding down my emotions while trying to figure out my next steps.
My whole body had a reaction. I was in autoimmune shock most of the time.
I couldn’t function when I was with them without self-medicating and being on so many psychiatric medications.
I loved them.
I felt so selfish wanting to end it all. I had another partner!!! I loved so many other people. How could I leave when I had begged my brother for the past decade to not kill himself?! How could I dare??
They wanted me to isolate for 30 days when I was last with them. They didn’t see me as a person at that point - they hurled contradictory statements.
I tried to be considerate of their mental health but they were painting me out to be the one who needed help and intervention… when I was having a reaction to them.
I loved them with all that I had.
And I loved other people who were letting me just be me - and a part of me resented that.
I hated who I was because it felt like my very being was the thing my ex-spouse couldn’t stand.
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I’m crying less now. After writing all that.
I don’t hate myself now, and while life is still hard… it’s not like that. I don’t have someone actively hating and demeaning me.
And I have left so many old friends and flames who even hinted at disrespecting me.
I’ve been protecting myself. Hard.
It’s just that… I’m safe now and I don’t need to protect myself that hard anymore.
I’m letting go and integrating all at the same time. It’s painful because I realize how bad it was but how good it is now and how good it can be.
But I’m still heartbroken - I always will be. I’m heartbroken because I was so close to ending it all after all that I had survived (worse things than that relationship). I’m heartbroken because I’d have left and not told the person I loved that I loved them (and I guess I never did anyway because I was immature and knew it would end our friendship).
I’m heartbroken because I lost that person… my best friend, the supposed love of my life, and spouse… to save myself.
#vent#abuse#flashback#trauma#cw abuse#cw si#cw suicide#suicide#memory flashbacks#ptsd#period#I’m in a lot of emotional and physical pain#poly#past marriage#divorce#emotional abuse#healing#neurodivergence#heartbreak#grief#grieving#polyamory
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#i feel like uhm#i've been avoiding how bad it was wrt the trauma in my upbringing. i want to move past all this. i want to be over it.#but watching my brother go theough this same process is making it very apparent to me that#ive been trying to jump from point a to point d as per usual and i haven't really been dealing with the reality of my feelings around this#i thought i was done with the anger. i want to be done with it. i want to stop grieving everything it's taken from me#so i can start taking back the life i have left#the Pain though. the inherent humiliation of being impacted.#i associate emotion with danger. to the extent that i will get very nervous and annoyed when people im with have emotions in public.#like ''don't draw attention!!!''#and i go through life just trying to swallow everything because i feel like the price of having emotions openly is to be attacked#and i don't mean openly just as in ''where other people can see''#it's outwardly expressing them AT ALL#i can go along keeping my head above water for so long before i can even identify what's had me in a chokehold
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