#emotional abuse mention /

[purpleflameb0i]

A slightly rushed comic about how some of the headmates need a little reminder from time to time.

-O (he/him)

[ID: A five panel, black and white comic featuring LL and O. LL is a bug, and has a circular head, two wide eyes, no mouth, a cloak, and two antennas. O is a human, and has long fluffy hair, rectangular glasses, a mustache, and a sweater. In the first panel, LL is sitting down. She has tears in her eyes, and a thought bubble next to her says, "It's only emotional neglect and abuse." The second panel shows her still sitting, her eyes slightly closed in sadness. The thought bubble says, "The grooming was only two weeks." The third panel shows her with her eyes closed, and O leaning over at her side. He's looking at her. Her thought bubble says "It was only..." The fourth panel shows O with his hand on LL's shoulder, with LL looking startled; her eyes wide open. O has a speech bubble that says, "Hey." The fifth panel is some text reading, "Your trauma was enough." End ID]

[lighterium]

A comic about Autistic Victimization.

When you look back, hindsight is always 20/20. All that's left is the memories of lost friendships of people you didn't communicate with for the sake of someone else.

cw: emotional abuse mention

[ecoamerica]

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[acesandocs]

Despite zzanimazz being deactivated i will still answer the questions they sent me. I hope they can see this wherever they are🫡

CW: physical and emotional abuse mention below

Desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

Ace isn't really aware of what he wants, he doesn't really think about it long enough to come to a clear conclusion. In reality he just wants to be accepted and understood by someone, anyone really. But he doesn't think thats ever going to happen. She has a bit of a defeatist streak going on that she pushes down by living his life without regrets or shame. Part of that is also intentionally acting weird and pushing people away. Because the pain of being rejected by someone he actually cared about hurts more than just telling himself that he's never going to have the kind of conection he craves. Most of the way she deals is either by denying or not thinking about it.

Mistake: What's the worst mistake your OC ever made? What led to them making it? Have they been able to fix it? How have they moved on?

Ace has made a few major mistakes though she is a bit to stubborn to openly recognize them as mistakes. One is running away from home. He subconsciously regrets it but if he admitted that, to himself it would be like admitting defeat. One she can however clearly see was a mistake was starting to work under her first boss. He was emotionally and sometime physically abusive. And was taking advantage of the fact that she had no life experience and that she was homeless. As to how she fixed it…

CW: visual depictions of strangling and implications of murder via stabbing under the cut

Though that one might mostly be out of spite, if he has already decided it was a mistake he doesn't have to feel bad about how the whole situation ended up.(of course he doesn't have gult ridden nightmares, what are you talking about)

Trying out something a bit different with this one. More dramatic lighting and pose. If anyone has any suggestion on improvement feel free to share! The line art is intentionally very sketchy and unfinished to add to the disorientation of the moment. Also avoided adding her eyebrows for similar reasons.

[autisticwriterblog]

Today mum told me she’d been thinking about T, and she brought up stuff she’d been worrying about. Like, the possibility that the NHS wouldn’t cover a private prescription and I’d have to pay out of pocket for T gel (because that’s what I’d take in an ideal world), or side effects and shit like that. She promised she’s never try to stop me taking T (which would include taking me to appointments because I can’t do anything on my own) but the fact that she’s worried about it kinda upsets me. Like I know it’s a big thing, and she was terrified about me being put under for top surgery because she didn’t want her kid to die, but there’s a big difference between major surgery and HRT. It doesn’t help that she can’t take oestrogen because of a blood clotting disorder (that I didn’t get, thankfully) and when I was a baby, my grandma’s HRT for the menopause caused a hormone feeding tumour to press on her spine and gsve her nerve damage to this dsy. So there’s an understandable amount of trauma for my mum surrounding HRT. But that’s oestrogen. I want to take T.

And I know she’s worried, but… I dunno… I was so excited about the possibility of T and now I kinda want to cry. Even though nothing has actually changed. We’re still going to start looking for appointments at gender clinics in the new year. She’s supportive of my gender (even though she’s clearly confused thst I went from NB to pretty-much-just-a-dude… but to be fair, I don’t really understand it either. Gender is fucking weird) and calls me her son when she meets people and they ask about her family. Plus, she reminded me that I need to tell my dad about this, because we life together and it’s kinda impossible to hide from him, but I’m worried because what if he gets mad? He never once looked at my scars post top surgery,unlike the women in my family, which always makes me paranoid that he still views me as a girl or something. And it’d be really helpful to talk to a cis dude I’m related to about puberty, but… I get so anxious talking to him. He hasn’t been emotionally abusive for over ten years but those childhood fears won’t disappear.

I dunno. I forgot thst real life is a lot more complicated thst the ideas in my head. And I’m so fucking anxious now.

TMI/NSFT under the cut, plus discussion of OCD intrusive thoughts (nothing specific)

When we’ve previously talks about T, like why I didn’t want it a few years ago, I mentioned that I thought bottom growth was weird (almost certainly influenced by the fearmongering about transmasc stuff I’d internalised on tumblr as a teenager). But… my opinion of thst has changed. It’s actually something I’m quite excited for. But I can hardly tell my mother that I want a t dick. It sucks having no irl friends to talk about the more private stuff with., because there are some topics I do not want to talk about with my mum.

Mum also mentioned that libido increase might fuck with my OCD, and she’s right that that could happen. I get sexual intrusive thoughts that have caused me immense distress in the past because of how horrible they are, and they try to mess with me when I’m horny, so having a higher libido could be a problem. But also that might not happen, and I could always learn to cope, as I’ve done in the past. I just don’t want to be scared away from T because of my stupid brain. It’d be like letting the OCD win. And yet, mum brought up something I’ve worried about before and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

[dreamsofalife]

((Something I kinda connected the dots on today is that the reason Shy hasn't acknowledged or felt aware of how bad her relationship with Joy used to be is because like...up until that point, the people who had hurt her were men, in positions of parental authority.

She didn't think another woman would do that, especially not another woman her own age. Joy had a mean streak, a jealous streak, and was willing to point out flaws, criticize, use the silent treatment, stuff like that, but it didn't clock as abuse because to Shy, they were on equal footing. Because at first, she fought back and argued and didn't take it, but eventually, that resistance faded. It especially didn't help that Joy used to try and purposely trigger a trauma response to get Shy to be quiet when they were fighting.

She never stopped idolizing Joy and hating herself for ruining their relationship; even when she was over it and didn't want to go back to her anymore, she felt like it ending was this big, shameful secret that everyone would hate her for if they knew. But now that she realizes how fucked up and abusive it actually was, she's questioning everything she ever thought about herself.))

[trauma-culture-is]

not trauma culture, i just wanted to ask and make sure if you support the idea of "narc/npd abuse" ?

i absolutely don't. i'm sure there are many resources people can access explaining why demonizing an entire group of people based on what disorder(s) they have is bad, so i'll keep this brief, but what it essentially does is harms innocent people and removes the agency of abusers.

people who abuse others chose to do so. even if they're not aware of their abuse, they chose to take abusive actions. saying that someone is abusing people because they have a disorder takes that accountability away from their actions because they "can't stop themself". the same goes for any other mental illness- people with bpd, depression, adhd, etc aren't predispositioned to be abusive or toxic, so why would people with npd?

on the flip side, someone who's doing their best to manage their npd symptoms and is very cautious and aware of how they might hurt people will still get attacked just for having a stigmatized disorder. (even if they aren't managing their symptoms well, or they have hurt people in the past, they don't deserve to be harassed for having a disorder. people don't deserve to be harassed in the first place.)

i feel like personality disorders are probably some of the most affected by stigmatization and casual ableism. every mental illness has horrible stereotypes and gets discriminated against, obviously (this isn't a competition, everyone loses) but i've never seen more vile insults than those directed towards people with npd or aspd.

just call it emotional abuse.

[fancy-feast-official]

instead of doing anything normal (like taking ibuprofen for my headache) i just spent the past four hours of my life writing an essay on why manfred von karma is abusive. kind of proud of it ngl.

also i tagged all quotes from the original post i'm talking about to their actual [user].tumblr.com site which has really bright colors fyi. i'll link the tumblr.com/[user] site at the end of the essay if bright colors don't work for you. also if ppl start sending me hate i'm just gonna block them.

In a Tumblr post by Wendy/Jessie Rose Rocket (referred to from here on as Wendy) on their interpretation of Manfred von Karma (MvK) in the Ace Attorney series, they argue that there is little canon evidence that MvK could have ever abused his children.[1] This however, is not the case, as there are various examples which they cite themselves that include traits of emotional abuse, including a hyper-controlling nature, manipulation, and invalidation of the victim’s feelings.

Before I get into the various examples given in the original post which indicate emotional abuse, I will say that I am not going to attack the more personal aspects of this argument, nor do I wish to attack any people who believe that MvK is not an abuser. I only want to look at the facts of his characterization and dissect the argument itself. Ignoring or overwriting the signs of emotional abuse in fictional characters can pose some threat to real people – if they’ll excuse emotional manipulation in fiction, they may be willing to excuse when they themselves are emotionally manipulated. I also think that it is misleading for Wendy to state that they are alright with abuse victims writing MvK as an abuser, before spending several hundred words explaining why they don’t think that MvK is an abuser, and that Ace Attorney fans are wrong in interpreting him that way.

Also, I will mention that both my own essay and the original post are triggered somewhat by the Filter Bubble Effect,[2] where content filtering and selection leads to a person only seeing one opinion or viewpoint. Wendy mentions that, while they see differing viewpoints on MvK on Tumblr, Twitter, and AO3, they do not see interpretations of him as abusive on other sites. I personally disagree with this statement as entirely factual, as before this post was made I had never seen interpretations of MvK as anything other than abusive. There is likely a split between these two interpretations, and I’m not willing to hazard a guess as to percentages in each camp.

With all that said, Wendy also mentions that both Miles Edgeworth (Edgeworth) and Franziska von Karma (Franziska) are “incredibly queer & nd coded.”[3] This is somewhat untrue. Both Edgeworth and Franziska are written as stuffy, calculating, and believing themselves to be entirely logical. While these are considered traits of neurodivergency, it is stated within the canon of the games that these traits have been trained in them by MvK. There’s an argument to be made on nurture versus nature (especially in the case of Edgeworth), but for the purposes of my argument I am going to say that this is more due to their upbringings than anything else.

While Edgeworth is somewhat queer-coded, it is only really present as a joke (Implications that Edgeworth isn’t aware that women find him attractive[4]), or because of his relationship with Phoenix Wright.[5] Franziska is not queer coded, though she is written as somewhat masculine compared to other female characters. This characterization is more a result of her being a female version of MvK and Edgeworth, and less to do with any alleged queerness.

The first piece of evidence which Wendy gives, under the context that it is “the one single piece of evidence that team fanfred brings to the table,”[6] are three lines from  Ace Attorney Investigations, both in the fourth case. The first is a conversation between Franziska and  MvK,

Franziska: Papa! You’ll come and watch my courtroom debut next, won’t you?

Manfred: Hmm… I’ll consider it.[7]

This conversation is rather innocuous, though it shows that MvK can be dismissive of his children at times. The more damning line is the second one which Wendy includes, where MvK says to Edgeworth, “A worthless person like you has no right to claim such a thing as perfection!”[8] This is one of many examples of MvK expecting nothing but perfection from both of his children. An expectation of perfection leads to Franziska and Edgeworth doubting themselves, and feeling worthless.[9] MvK places high importance on perfection, leading to his care for his children being conditional, reliant on their ability to be perfect.[10] Among other things, instilling self-doubt and worthlessness, and making acceptance or care conditional are signs that someone is being emotionally abusive.[11]

MvK is shown in various media to have a constant need for perfection and control of everything around him. in Ace Attorney Investigations, he manipulates aspects of cases so that he is guaranteed to win,[12] something he also does in “Turnabout Goodbyes.” It is completely reasonable that, when his own protégé does not display this inhuman perfection, he would be upset and lash out, as he does in the above example. Wendy notes that the word used in the original exchange, 半人前, does not translate to “worthless,” but instead to “an amateur / someone without experience.”[13] This, of course, is much more accurate to the context of their situation, but stating that the translation must have been made in bad faith is besides the point. There is no reason that MvK should be putting such high expectations for perfection on someone who, in real life, would not even have finished college yet. While it does not hold much weight as evidence for my own argument, it holds very little weight for their argument as well. However, it is important to cover this exchange, as they believe it is the only evidence a so-called “Fanfred” might be able to find indicating an abusive characterization.

Wendy continues on by listing the many ways in the anime that MvK is shown to be a good father. While they can be seen as evidence that he is not abusive, abusers can be nice to their victims, for a myriad of reasons. This can be done for any number of reasons, including: Bolstering the abusers image to the victim or outsiders, or to convince themselves they are a good person; As a manipulation tactic; And because the abuser is in the recovery phase of the abuse cycle.[14] I am going to focus on the former of these two reasons, as they are more likely in the von Karma situation. 

The most striking of the initial examples from the anime is Edgeworth’s statement that “he considers [MvK] the only person who was there for him after his father died.”[15] While this can seem like a positive thing, it is important to note that MvK very clearly isolated Edgeworth from his friends by moving him out of his house, away from his friends (who are not provided with any information as to why he’s gone). Social isolation is a tactic of abuse, used to tether a victim to their abuser so that they are more reliant on them.[16] The next examples of MvK complying with Franziska’s demands in an effort to make Edgeworth smile after he first moves in with them could be an example of him wanting to cheer Edgeworth up after the death of his father (who, I will remind you, was killed by MvK). However, this could have underlying motives, where MvK wants Edgeworth to open up to him, so that he might have more control over him. By killing Gregory Edgeworth, and raising his son to be as ruthless as himself, MvK takes care of the “curse” that he believes the Edgeworths to be.[17]

In the anime, MvK reacts rather calmly to Edgeworth’s first ever defeat during “Turnabout Samurai.” Wendy states that he seems “perplexed,” but is not in any way “cruel and unusual” what he says during that conversation.[18] Taken out of the context of MvK’s behavior, this is plausible. However, over the 15 years that he raised Edgeworth, he emphasized perfection over all else. Edgeworth’s reaction to losing is so negative because of MvK’s influences on his ideas of self-worth. In the conversation, MvK also advises Edgeworth to not have feelings, invalidating any feelings that Edgeworth might have about the cases he works on, feelings which can be necessary in determining the truth.

I agree with Wendy that MvK is, as they put it “a despicable fucking human being.”[19] In “Turnabout Goodbyes” alone, he:

Commits aggravated assault, including assault against a minor

Steals and tampers with evidence

Engages in conspiracy to commit murder, and is shown to have committed murder himself

Frames two people for murders that he was involved in

Due to his propensity for physical violence, it is no stretch to assume that he is physically violent with his own family members.[20] Even if he is not physically abusive, it has been shown time and time again that he emotionally abuses his children, and even despite that they look up to him. It is not uncommon for an abuse victim to love or care for their abuser. This can lead to blaming oneself for the abuse, and normalizing the abuse that is happening.[21] The reactions that Wendy wants to see in fics are plausible reactions for abusive victims to have when their abuser dies. It is possible for someone to understand they are being abused and yet still love the person doing the abusing.

Now, the lead poisoning business. Yes, it is possible for someone to get lead posioning from a bullet wound.[22] This is a plausible excuse for MvK’s behavior in later years, however, his tendency towards manipulation and hyper-control are present in “The Inherited Turnabout,” before he’s shot.[23] While lead poisoning does cause irritability, it also causes memory difficulties,[24] something that would hinder MvK’s ability to write his detailed plan for payback which he sends to Yanni Yogi.[25] This removes any plausible deniability for MvK in the murder of Robert Hammond – he very clearly knew what he was doing, and knew the consequences, which is why he tried to frame Edgeworth and Yogi. In a real court of law, he would be competent to stand trial for his crimes.

In conclusion, while he is not explicitly shown to physically abuse his children, Manfred von Karma canonically emotionally abuses his children, forcing them to adhere to his strict sense of perfection and morality. When both Franziska and Edgeworth fail to live up to his impossible standards, they doubt their own abilities and self-worth. Excusing this behavior in any person could lead to people not realizing that they’re being abused, and therefore having more difficulty getting out of abusive situations. It’s alright to like MvK as a character, but deliberately overlooking his abusive tendencies is to overlook a major part of his character, and his relationship with Edgeworth and Franziska.

"I'm Going to Change Your Mind About Manfred Von Karma"

[clatterbane]

Currently trying to get into a new project that's frankly pretty terrifying!

I've been listening to more audiobooks and creepypasta recordings in the background lately. And I really wouldn't mind trying to do some reading and maybe contribute to someone else's enjoyment myself!

But, that would involve actually listening to the output and doing some editing. And my brain is still tied into some interesting knots around that exact thing!

I know exactly what the issue is, and it has frankly held me back on too many things that I was otherwise interested in doing over the years. I may also be one of the surface hyperverbal AuDHD types, but man spoken communication is hard enough already without extra shit piled on. 😬

I am also at least a couple of grown-ass adults in a trench coat by now. It has been many years since anyone felt entitled to harass me over whatever speech impediment/disability accent/whatever the fuck else they're perceiving that I may still be showing. My "peers" cut that shit out before I even hit college, when a transfer into a less toxic environment fixed that issue along with the rest of the outright bullying garbage.

It has been even more years (like, 40+) since I had to deal with that abusive speech therapist who wanted to "fix" my regional accent even more than what I was actually referred over. Which directly involved making me repeat things into a tape recorder and listen to the playback, while jumping down my throat over "not even trying to do better". Meanwhile, I'm not even sure what is supposed to be wrong, much less how to go about changing it. Thankfully that shit didn't last more than maybe a couple of months before my mother figured out something was off and put a stop to it. The experience still instilled a very specific aversion to listening to recordings of my own stupid voice.

Yep, I still do sound like I'm from West Virginia, BTW. (Because I kinda am, if with more time spent just over the state line.) And really fucking hated the frequent comments that got around London.

(One benefit of moving to Sweden, honestly. There isn't the same class-entangled weird cultural baggage around English accents (where Americans in general face some garbage before you even get to more stigmatized dialects), ESL speakers largely don't seem to gaf anyway--and frankly most Swedes keep enough reserve going that they're unlikely to say much even if they did find my accent particularly strange. The only person who's even commented after I opened my mouth was someone who spent like 25 years in Texas, curious where I was from (nowhere in Texas). The huge tradeoff: crippling self-consciousness around trying out my broken Swedish on people. I'm not falling into the too-frequent "expat" failure mode of using more English still because it mostly works and is easier, I'm just neurotic as hell. At least I probably do come across as more awkward than arrogant.)

That would seem like more than enough time to make moves toward untangling some of this nest of mental hangups. Nobody is likely to act like that at me these days. And if they do, fuck 'em. I don't have any compelling reason(s) to care these days.

I am still not looking forward to the sound of my own voice, even enough to work out recording levels. But should be fairly low pressure in another way as these things go, sitting in my own house reading into a microphone at my leisure.

[harrisonhayes]

a life in snapshots.

NAME: Harrison Hayes

AKA: Harry, Haz, Hayes, Happy

GENDER/PRONOUNS: Cis male, he/him

AGE/DOB: 28, April 24 1996

SEXUALITY: Heterosexual

FAMILY: Sierra Hayes

OCCUPATION: Photographer, Shutter staff

HOMETOWN: Wilmington, North Carolina

NEIGHBORHOOD: Wrightsville Beach

FACECLAIM: Jacob Elordi

behind the lens.

Things didn’t always go to plan. A lesson learned young, a lesson long since disregarded.

The plan had been astronaut – stars were cool, and at five, the plan had seemed perfectly reasonable. Next up came racecar driver, then palaeontologist (as “dinosaur doctor”, apparently, wasn’t viable), and then Harrison Hayes had gotten his hands on his first disposable camera. 

He’d picked it up after some event – he couldn’t place it now, another titbit lost to the blur of childhood – found it lying on a table, abandoned with a near-intact roll of film. It had taken him three days to fill it up, two weeks to save up enough in loose change to have it developed, and eight months to fill his entire bedroom wall with pictures from the cameras to come. The latter, of course, hadn’t gone down well … but that was another story. 

The Hayes’ home hadn’t been the ideal garden for Harry’s budding passion for the arts, nor had it been the ideal grounds for a happy, supportive sort of childhood for the sensitive soul within. He’d never been particularly gifted in the academic department (see: “disappointment”) or exceptional in any athletic realm. He could run, and he could hide – prior the growth spurt anyway – but he had nothing on his big sister. And their father knew it. 

He’d watched him push her and hone her, and he’d known jealousy, he’d known a desire to be noticed, to forge his own path … just to hear “hey, kid, good job”. And in hindsight, Harry knew it couldn’t have been easy for her, that there were sides to the story he couldn’t even begin to comprehend, and that of course she’d had her reasons, but at the time … at the time she’d left. She’d left, and Harry had faced the lions alone.

The attention he’d so desperately craved had been on him then, and Harrison had very, very quickly realised that some wishes were a curse, and sometimes it wasn’t a case of sinking or swimming – you just had to abandon ship. It hadn’t been easy saving to move out, not with the meagre funds he was pulling in at the camera store, not with his stubborn refusal to ask for help, but he’d scraped and clawed and gotten himself a ramshackle studio a few blocks from the water. Ideal for catching the sunrise and a surf, but … but more than anything, ideal for catching his breath.

For the first year or so of his ‘freedom’, he hadn’t used his time in what many would call a productive manner. He’d dabbled in everything he could get his hands on, his own naive “fuck you” to the shackles of the Hayes patriarch’s rule, and after one too many close calls, too many missed opportunities, too many squandered, it was one humiliating night and a call to his father to bail him out that had finally seen Harry ask himself “what the fuck” he’d been doing. If he wasn’t trying, if he wasn’t proving he could, then what had been the point? 

It had been three and a bit years since he’d seen sense, stuck his head down, and focussed on the things he’d been neglecting – namely, himself. Work became his priority, whether that was freelance or at the store, and his downtime … he could say he read a lot, and he watched a lot of movies, and that was the most he had to say about it. Which meant that by the time his boss had approached him about taking some time off, Harry – for the first time in his adult life – had the funds to travel. So he had.

Six months as far around the world as he could get. Turns out, that hadn’t been very far, no matter how hard he’d fought to budget to extend the trip. And by that point, he’d been ready to come home anyway – lugging his camera gear around for months on end was taking its toll on his shoulders, and he had a mountain of film he was itching to get home and process. He’d had a good time, of course, it had been all those things travel bloggers gush about – he’d leave that part to them, the experts in the written field –  but that hadn’t been his takeaway. No, he’d found that thing he’d been missing, the part he was ready to grab hold of and embrace and see where it led him and his art – the spark. 

Potential connections:

Rooomate: Like most budding artists – and unfortunate zillennials – Harry's been feeling the economic pinch, and upon returning to the states, has been forced to weigh his rent against his depleted savings to disappointing results. The solution? Finding a roommate. He's eager to stay in Wrightsville Beach, but even on his most stubborn days acknowledges the likelihood of a move further afield.

Ex-partner(s): When it comes to people, Harry doesn't do commitment. He's quick to dive in – he likes to have fun, sue him – but he wastes no time in bailing the second he senses A Single Feeling on the horizon. Those haven't been his finest moments, and the stronger his attachment the stronger his self-destructs have been, but they're a part of his history he can't erase – or avoid forever.

(With that being said, the idea that there's one relationship that meant something, that he purposefully shoves into the locked box of his mind and heart, is one that could be fun to explore. For the angst, you know?)

Travel fling: Like his failed "relationships", Harry had his fun while it was new and exciting – and this time far from home and his responsibilities – and then he left. Only this time he left the country without a single word, too. Not his best work.

Co-worker: While the vast majority of Harry's working life has been spent behind the lens or in the processing lab at Shutter, he's dabbled in other "pursuits" too – money doesn't grow on trees, and the last thing he's ever doing is asking for a Hayes handout. He's always made an effort with his co-workers, wherever he's happened to be working at the time, in light of his current financial situation, a second job isn't out of the question – nor connections through it – while nor has it been in the past.

This also extends to anyone he might have worked with through his photography work. Collabs, events, photoshoots, even weddings – you name it, he's snapped it!

Influences: Bad decisions are something Harry's excelled at throughout his twenties. He's made mistakes (clearly) and he's done a lot he regrets – and would rather not admit. But he's trying to improve, and gravitate away from those "bad influences" – though cutting off contact is a lot easier said than done, especially when he still considers them friends – who fuelled his destructive tendencies, and towards the "good" ones – those he wants to do better for. They're something of an exception to his "don't keep them close and don't keep them around" rule, and ... it's good to have balance around, right?

[dhampiravidi]

the bear (TV show)

tbh from a writing perspective, The Bear is such a good, realistic show in how it develops its characters & shows rather than tells.

but damn, sometimes I have a hard time watching it because Carmy's depression, anxiety & self-esteem issues are so fucking similar to mine--

we're both high-achieving, self-hating, unable to imagine romance for ourselves, dealing with shit from being yelled at all the time, trying so hard to keep it together (though we sometimes snap at people instead)--ugh.

[apuzzledprince]

my boss: [staring at me and my younger sibling, shocked]

us: [chatting about the girl who emotionally abused me for years]

[jimposts]

To get some sort of, art into it I want to help you guys understand where we come from. This is a small scale thing and I won't reveal like very personal shit. Just enough. This is mainly for my own sake but maybe a few of you can find comfort in this.

CW/TW for the following topics

Dissociation, OSDD, verbal abuse mention, emotional abuse mention

Growing up our abuser was a piece of shit to us. She would try and get us to fear anything and everything. It wasn't just her of course. Leo formed due to the yelling we were subjected to. He's able to handle that in place of someone like Jax.

When our abuser died and we went to the funeral, it was so complicated. So many were crying, sobbing about her. And yet here we were not able to process it. We cried for the fact we will never get an "I'm sorry" or an explanation. We can only wonder. Nowadays we accepted it was shit. We care for the grave and treat it with respect, but we don't miss her.

Everyone in the system as a different opinion on her. Some hate her with all their being. Some are neutral. And some, just don't care. But we all were affected in a way? That's what our GateKeeper says.

Speaking of our Gatekeeper, she keeps things from us. Memories is the main thing. But she also keeps how the system works in general under wraps. But that's due to being able to function I think. She knows what she's doing to care for us.

When we meet other systems, we tend to be happy! It's people like us! But Gatekeeper may tell us not to interact. Or hell someone in the system will out right refuse to message anything. It's hard to convince them to give them a chance. Cause my brain feels so foggy as they control what I do. It's hard even now to tell that in actually a real person.

Y'know I'm sharing this to help others who are like me. And or singlets who are just curious! I'm more happy to be able to share this than keep it in.

[lighterium]

Man accepting you're a grooming victim fucking sucks.

It's been a year and it doesn't make it any easier. Specially with the loose ends of people who I couldn't tell them the truth in fear no one would believe me.

Do they even know they're friends with one?

[just-antithings]

I used to be pretty neutral, solidly in the "if people make shit you don't like then filter it out/block them (but I think most of this is disgusting)" camp until a little over a year ago, when I ended up getting banned from a discord server I was a founding member of for that neutral stance. The harassment/suibait I got during & after from people in that server ended up pushing me solidly into the "fuck you these are my dolls and I'm gonna make the most fucked up shit with them" camp.

So now I'm writing a fic with a lot of emotional abuse & some pretty heavy handed sexual assault allegory and loving it. Made my own discord server for that fandom too and got some pretty good friends out of the deal too :)

[shutterlens]

[tw: emotional abuse mention, cursing] Is there anyone here who cares about equity and justice for creatives?

I've had a recent call with my emotionally abusive father regarding AI in writing.

I told him that despite thinking that AI has the potential to help inspire creatives, its use can never be ethical under Capitalism since big corporations are trying to use AI to get rid of human writing (which requires actually paying people) to further their profit.

He completely ignored me and told me that I "was just sticking with one side and needed to listen to all sides before believing in something", which I know is just him projecting what he does himself onto me and is him guilt-tripping me for not being an ideological copy-paste of his exact belief system.

When I tried to reason with him, he gave me the cold shoulder and hung up in a hissy fit like a passive-aggressive ninth grader who just broke up with his partner because he only wanted someone to control and bully for some sense of superiority and power and wasn't actually ready for the responsibilities of a romantic relationship.

You can't exactly "both sides" the exploitation of human lives for corporate profit, though I'm not surprised that he's anti-creative since he's also staunchly anti-union and believes that, and I quote, that

"the Starbucks employees are just pretending to suffer because they're being told to",

specifically in regard to the employees being overworked and union-busted relentlessly by Starbucks.

Wow. Un-fucking-believable.

He clearly doesn't care if I end up losing access to any possible job or career and falling into impoverishment and suffering all because the world would rather see the rich get richer than work towards equity and justice for all.

What's worse is that almost everyone I know has that same attitude, that "you need to stop being such a party pooper about AI because human creatives aren't real professionals that can be exploited by leeching capital-owning cronies so you shit-for-brains can go suffer for all I care".

It's starting to feel like no one cares about human creatives anymore and like no one cares to see our value in helping shape the minds of generations to come to help work towards equity and justice for all.

I'd like to ask you this, then. (You don't have to answer the poll if you don't want to)

It's okay to comment on this post. You don't have to if you don't want to, though.

[dreamsofalife]

((But yeah. Shy genuinely cares about people and wants them to be happy. She's all about radical love and accepting people as they come, but so much of her stuff is a trauma response. Shy was close with her step-dad when she was a kid, and that's why his treatment of her was do hurtful and confusing; she tried to be just like him to earn his approval and people thought she was a jerk because of it. That furthered her isolation and pushed her closer to her abuser, and the vicious cycle repeated until she was free, and in her fear of being like him, she forced herself to be the opposite.

She's now hyper aware of her capacity to hurt people. She can be reckless sometimes and goes a little too far trying to save people from themselves, but it's because she feels like, if bad things happen that she had a chance to prevent, she's responsible for them in a roundabout way. That, her ability to read people, and her knack for talking volatile people down are all things she had to learn to survive at an early age, at the cost of not learning healthy boundaries.

You can kinda tell she's had it rough. I'm not good at writing body language, but Shy's very careful about how she moves; she holds doors until they're fully closed so they don't slam, she sets dishes down so they don't rattle, and she walks as quietly as she can. You can tell she's comfortable with you if she's willing to let her guard down and make noise when you're around. She's high strung and freaks out if you sneak up on her and ofc her trauma response of going very quiet and docile when she's scared.

Sorry for the long ramble, I'm having feelings.))