#verbal abuse mention

[multiplicity-positivity]

Do you have any advice for dealing with harmful alters/persecutors for ppl juat starting to dig into system stuff? The only contact ive had with any headmates has been a been a verbally abusive alter, so it makes trying to talk to my headmates and get some communication going pretty stressful.

Yes! We do have this post on working with persecutors and violent headmates:

And if you want to try and build a bit of communication before attempting to follow any of the advice listed in the above post, we do also have this post on establishing contact with headmates!

We hope these can help you. Best of luck to you with learning to communicate better with your system while dealing with your persecutors in constructive and beneficial ways!

[zuzsenpai]

personal post. sorry there's been so many lately. politics mention. verbal abuse mention

Wednesday was rough for A LOT of people, no doubt about it. I was upset and spent the day scrolling through tumblr and talking to friends, grasping at whatever positive messages I could find. A lot of those messages about surviving and living in spite of everything... they did help me. I didn't feel good by the end of the day, but I at least felt loved.

So my mom is 65 and has undiagnosed and unmedicated depression. She's retired and spends a lot of time trying to fill her life with exercise, loom weaving, bible study, book clubs, etc. But she's not a happy person by any means and I can't remember a time in my 36 years of life when she was upbeat or positive in any way. She had a tumultuous childhood filled with a lot of yelling and she had a few traumatic incidents as an adult that she's never gone to therapy for and never will. My mom and I have had pretty bad fights over the years about various things I won't get into, but things had been generally calm recently.

So anyway, on Wednesday evening my dad was out at a basketball game so my mom was alone. I went over there just to kind of be a presence in the house. It was fine for a while, until she brought up the election. She quickly became extremely distraught and started sobbing about how our current government will be overthrown and the US will be a dictatorship and there's nothing to live for. Which, okay. I get it. There are very real possibilities of that happening. But I wanted to try and calm her down. I told her some of the things I had been seeing all day about how they want us to be miserable and have no hope. There are still things to live for and we have to hold those things close. That if I decide to declare everything is over right here and now, then I would have to accept that the rest of my life is going to be miserable forever.

Well she wasn't having any of that. She was very clearly spiraling. I made the colossal mistake of telling her I thought she was catastrophizing and wanted her to calm down. The words came out of my mouth before I could think rationally about what I was saying. Because like... of all days for anyone to be allowed to be distraught and rightfully catastrophize things, Wednesday was it. I just hated seeing her so upset and I guess I wanted it to end.

Well she started screaming at me, which is her right, because I was a shithead. She asked if I thought she didn't have the right to be upset. I tried to apologize and say that of course she has a right to be upset. I just wanted to make it better somehow. She screamed at me to get out of the house. So I left.

I felt like I got my hand burned. I went home and cried until I fell asleep, because I hated how I treated her. It was not lost on me that I was treating her exactly how she's always treated me every time I got upset around her, over the course of my entire life. Instead of listening or being sympathetic, she would try to "fix" the problem, or tell me I'm just crying because I want sympathy, or tell me I'm overreacting. I was told I was overreacting A LOT as a kid and teen. I never got sympathy from her. Ever.

My dad texted me about something unrelated about an hour ago, asking me to pick something up at their house. This was the first time I'd spoken with either of them since that incident on Wednesday. I responded by saying I was concerned about coming over because I was worried mom was angry with me. He told me she's "over it", which... who knows if that's true. There are seemingly minor things I've said to her that she takes to heart and brings up for decades. So you'll have to excuse me if I don't believe she's "over it". Then my dad said:

"Remember she gets emotional then feels bad about it later. You just have to be careful about telling her not to be upset about something. Apparently that happened a lot when she was young."

Yeahhh..... so now I feel even more like shit, and like I said something she's going to take to heart forever. In hindsight, I should have been sympathetic. I know people in her childhood household yelled at each other a lot. I guess it's not a huge leap to think that she was verbally abused and told her emotions weren't valid. I just.... wish that cycle didn't continue from her to me... and apparently now from me back to her. I am notorious for having a hard time thinking before speaking. So uhhhhh I really need to do better.

[trauma-culture-is]

Trauma culture is taking small lighthearted jokes/digs on you way too seriously and personally because you're so used to being belittled and you're sick and tired of it and the last thing you want is to experience it from loved ones too

❤‎

[atertiary-culture-is]

Greyfamilial culture is feeling awkward when extended family dies bc I don't rlly care??? But if I don't pretend to in gonna get shouted at.

.

[punkstylerecovery]

I've officially told [redacted] he's not allowed to talk to me anymore while he talks to me the way he does. There was no argument, not even an attempt at an apology. He tried to talk to me once, I told him it was still a no and it's quiet now. The worry he's still going to try and talk to me is still there, just like the worry he's going to yell at me over it again, but it's actually such a relief not to have to talk to him so much. I don't have to pretend, I don't have to wonder during conversations when he's going to drop in some remark, I can just relax.

I'm the only one happy, of course but I think I am happy, in a weird sort of way. It hurts he's not willing to try and stop being an ass to me. But that's a constant hurt I've had for a long time. I can live with that. I don't think I could've lived with him continuing to treat me that way without speaking up.

[jimposts]

To get some sort of, art into it I want to help you guys understand where we come from. This is a small scale thing and I won't reveal like very personal shit. Just enough. This is mainly for my own sake but maybe a few of you can find comfort in this.

CW/TW for the following topics

Dissociation, OSDD, verbal abuse mention, emotional abuse mention

Growing up our abuser was a piece of shit to us. She would try and get us to fear anything and everything. It wasn't just her of course. Leo formed due to the yelling we were subjected to. He's able to handle that in place of someone like Jax.

When our abuser died and we went to the funeral, it was so complicated. So many were crying, sobbing about her. And yet here we were not able to process it. We cried for the fact we will never get an "I'm sorry" or an explanation. We can only wonder. Nowadays we accepted it was shit. We care for the grave and treat it with respect, but we don't miss her.

Everyone in the system as a different opinion on her. Some hate her with all their being. Some are neutral. And some, just don't care. But we all were affected in a way? That's what our GateKeeper says.

Speaking of our Gatekeeper, she keeps things from us. Memories is the main thing. But she also keeps how the system works in general under wraps. But that's due to being able to function I think. She knows what she's doing to care for us.

When we meet other systems, we tend to be happy! It's people like us! But Gatekeeper may tell us not to interact. Or hell someone in the system will out right refuse to message anything. It's hard to convince them to give them a chance. Cause my brain feels so foggy as they control what I do. It's hard even now to tell that in actually a real person.

Y'know I'm sharing this to help others who are like me. And or singlets who are just curious! I'm more happy to be able to share this than keep it in.

[brightsstar]

The way i keep imagining Dusk reacting to being screamed at (besides him physically leaving the room, likely in a hurry, to go self isolate) is either him basically just shutting down and sorta dissociating or him getting incredibly anxious from being yelled at that he might wind up hurting himself (like when in the sense of him possibly scratching at his casing or something similar)

It is pretty much him shutting down and getting anxious. I hate to say i have experience (trauma) with that thanks to my father, so yes, Dusk reacts in a similar way. He may not always leave, but he will suddenly go silent, and potentially start fidgeting. He can get carried away with that and accidentally hurt himself as well, so it is basically all of those things..

[blow-me-a-kis]

Listening to "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" audiobook atm. I wish I had picked it up weeks ago, when I first moved in with my parents

I know I can have verbally abusive tendencies, because *gestures at my parents yelling at each other so loud you can hear them down the road when you go pick up the mail*

It's like there's this beast in me who wants to keep me safe, but if I misinterpret lack of safety, ppl who did nuthin to me get hurt.

And I'm proud of how I used my serpents tongue and stood up for myself in the past, but I shouldn't have had to. Even when I'm right, it hurts me to be cruel to anyone

[entropy-sea-system]

Probably a c-pstd(involving various episodes of verbal abuse in addition to other trauma) and sensory issues from noise(I'm autistic) thing but. I can't stand hearing people(including myself) talk most of the time, even at a low volume. If I have to talk out loud, I do but I don't like doing so. It's worse over vc and phones (professionally recorded audio like in music generally doesn't cause as much sensory issues) bc it adds this static-y layer to voices even with modern technology.

With in sys communication I can stand it a bit more if we talk in headspace in relatively quiet ways. And its easier for me to ignore my sensory issues when I'm interacting with my in sys partners maybe bc my attraction to them and how I feel happier around them sort of masks my sensory issues with noise and the interactions mostly occur w us speaking in our thoughts in headspace and rarely using the body's voice.

It's definitely related to my aplatonicism because a huge expectation in irl friendship is that you talk to people verbally a lot and have that be the cornerstone of the interaction(with online its just the friendship itself that repulses me). I think I'm going to try learning sign language (and information on deaf culture like in that tumblr post), I already tried a bit last year but my main problem is outside our system we won't be able to use it around ppl we usually see. But probably mostly in headspace and for practicing. The issue w that though is struggle w coordinating movements and stuff but I think thats more a matter of practice.

[systemshoutouts]

shout out to any of our members that front when we're getting shouted at, ty, you guys really help us sm/gen

(pls tag as 'tw verbal abuse' ty)

[jamiebluewind]

My arm hurts

I broke it 5 years ago and it still hurts. It's still weak. Sometimes when I pick up something, it would feel like my arm was breaking. I went to doctors. The xrays were normal. I've got enough movement. It's fine...

It wasn't

I went to my new pcp (primary care physician) after it was getting to me again. He sent me to a specialist on bones who then sent me to a SPECIAL specialist on just arm bone stuff. The specialists saw my flexibility and the normal x-ray, but also the pain, so they ordered a CT scan. I half hoped they would find something just to have proof that I wasn't crazy and maybe a way to go forward.

The CT scan results popped in my portal, so I looked.

Chronic fracture deformities (bone kept breaking and/or bone took a looong time to heal) post ORIF (the surgery they do to repair bones). Cortical lunacy along the radial aspect of the mid radial diaphanous (in the middle of the big bone in my arm, there's a line that the 3D x-ray went through that it shouldn't have been able to at that strength).

I see the specialist again in 2 weeks. It's been sooo bad the last month. I currently can't hold my phone in my left hand for longer than a minute without it hurting. I struggle to pick up my cat with one arm. I can't open child safe caps, so my roommate has to help. I use a cane for my sporadic left side weakness, so having my left hand be useless means I really can't do much while walking. I'm moving in a couple months and I'm struggling to pack. Just on and on and on...

I broke my left ankle a couple years ago. The scar is small, there is no pain, I often forget anything is in there, and I swear it's stronger than it was BEFORE the break. I never get to forget about my arm because on top of the pain and everything else, the doctor that did the surgery left a long scar down both sides of it. People assume things when they see the bigger one. I hate it. I'm tired of explaining it. I'm tired of people getting weird or staring at it. I was going to get a tattoo over it to make it a little less noticeable, but it hurts so much and the scars are so thick that I don't think I'll ever be able to.

- Pictures below break, followed by graphic details -

The other side isn't as bad but...

yeah.

You might be wondering what those dashes are beside the long scar. If you wanna know, be warned. This part gets graphic.

The original doctor used non dissolving sutures, wrapped about 2/3rds of the stitched area in a single layer of gause with a cast over it, and sent me home. I tried contacting them about my stitched catching in the cast and pulling. About my skin growing over the stitches.

They ignored me every time.

It wasn't until I told them that the knot of one got so stuck in the cast that I had to cut it with a pair of sanitized nail clippers. They had me come in and were actually SURPRISED that my skin had grown completely over all the stitches except for the knot of some of them. So what did they do?

They cut.

I was awake and just sitting in the office as they cut off my cast. They gave me nothing for pain as over two dozen cuts were made down my arm to get enough access to my arm to dig out the stitches with tweezers. On top of pain, I felt weak and this sick cold feeling as they worked. Then, the other side of my arm and more of the same. I was shaking from it all. And then? He just sent me home. Gave me a brace to wear. When I told him that the weight of my hand made my arm feel like it was gonna snap and that I still could barely move two of my fingers, he waved me off, saying it would get better with physical therapy.

It took YEARS of me working on my hand to get as much dexterity as I have now. And it hurts. It always hurts. I told him. I told so many. Something is wrong. I did everything they suggested and nothing helped.

Part of me wonders if this is all my fault. My father said it was because I was stupid (went to a sleep doctor and they had something slick on the floor that I slipped on and the ENT that came ALSO nearly slipped on it too). My mind says all of you will blame me for cutting the stitch caught on my cast. But... I don't know. Sometimes screaming into the void helps. Sometimes a stranger is even nice and/or helpful about it! I just... two weeks. Two weeks until I find out if anything can even be done for this. And all the while, I wasn't able to sue the place I fell and the surgeon that messed up my arm is still probably out there practicing. It sucks.

[one-abuse-survivor]

Ice Anon

Last night I had a weird dream, but all I can remember from it is this.

Father was really angry at me, he was yelling for some reason, and dream me walked up to him, looked him dead in the eyes and said, "Hit me, I know you want to." So with no hesitation he dug his fingers into my face so hard I could feel him sink into it and blood pour out, he then tugged so the wounds got bigger before he let go.

I remember blood was running down my face and that I could actually feel the pain, I remember dream me smiling and saying, "I want to coat my throat in red, I'm so tired I wish I was dead."

I said this right at my father but he didn't seem to care...

I told my mother about this dream and she thought it was weird, and didn't understand it. I know it's bad that I wouldn't even be surprised if he did hit me one day, but she doesn't see it somehow.

I don't know why.

Hi again!

That sounds like a truly awful dream, but the worst part of it all is that it afterwards felt like something he'd be capable of doing in real life. I hope you never have to go through that.

Sorry your mother can't see that you feel unsafe around your father. You deserve to be heard and to feel safe at home.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

[vyrulent]

there's a faint pause at the mention of hiding things from her family. Ariel had hidden so many things from them. it had become a natural talent after awhile. she hadn't wanted them to know anything about her love for the human world out of fear that they'd berate her or belittle her. she'd only opened up a few times only to be lectured. she wasn't interest in having that happen again when she had entered her teen years.

"can I tell you something about daddy and you not be cross," she asked. she wasn't certain if she ever had truly opened up with Eric about the anger that her father could display. "he'd get so angry with me that one time he destroyed my entire collection -- it's what sent me to Ursula. I couldn't handle the anger anymore."

his  gaze  quickly  moves  from  where  her  hand  had  patted  his  stomach  up  to  ariel's  face.  ❛ hey! ❜  he  laughs,  but  he  too  is  only  being  playful,  he's  not  offended  at  all.  he loves  that  ariel  brings  this  side  of  him  out.  this  joyful  and  happy-go-lucky  side  of  him—  a  side  of  him  that  had  been  a  rare  sight  before  he'd  met  her.  

honestly,  eric  is  glad  he  likes  her  too.  surprised,  but  glad.  louis  isn't  the  easiest  person  to  win  over.  it's  been  a  relief  how  kind  and  accepting  everyone  has  been  when  it  comes  to  ariel.  ❛ that  must  have  been  incredibly  difficult  and. . .  so  lonely.  especially  considering  your  family  is  so  large,  you  shouldn't  have  had  to  hide  things  from  all  of  them. ❜

[orphancoded]

[punkstylerecovery]

Generally speaking, your parents often owe you a lot more than you're taught to believe. A lot of people are raised to believe that parents do not really owe you that much beyond food and shelter and that's not true. In fact, you can have parents who give you food, shelter, patience and kindness and STILL deserve more from them.

By being your parents, they've accepted a very special relationship and amount of responsibility for you. Do you know how many people I know whose parents have never genuinely apologized to them? How many people’s parents physically hurt them, how many people’s parents mock their insecurities, how many people’s parents don’t care for their children’s health, how many parents make their children (intentionally or otherwise) want to die? 

And so many people don’t give a fuck. We’re raised in cultures that more often than not treat us to respect our parents in spite of most anything while also teaching everyone that children don’t deserve shit. We’re raised in cultures that more often than not teach us to “respect our parents” in spite of most anything while also teaching everyone that children don’t really deserve shit. It varies but its so common that lots of people don’t even think twice about it. 

But children DO deserve more than they’re generally given. So much more! And so many things that are literally just abusive are considered normal parenting all around the world and that’s vile, especially considering children are the most severely affected by this and have no “societal power” to wield to put a stop to it beyond what they can scramble together through a combination of sheer determination, shock value, strength and fucking luck. 

Not to sound radical, but I think we owe children a fuck ton more than they’re being given now and I think people need to learn so much more about abuse and how that ties into the common underplaying of what we’re owed in parent/child relationships. 

[furiousgoldfish]

personal post (tw: suicidal ideation, detailed descriptions of psychological and emotional abuse, osdd, alters, theories about alters splitting)

I have a child alter who is wildly suicidal, to the point where they'll push me to commit suicide with every opportunity, and try to do psychological damage to me as an attempt to make me suicidal. I've been trying to figure out for years what was it that made them so determined to die, with no luck because this alter does not give any information away, and seems to hate me and my attempts.

Recently I've had a flashback where I remembered what it was like to be their age. It felt like I had to die. There was constant pressure, almost like a duty, that I have to be thinking about ending my life at all times. I needed to make sure I wasn't alive for long. And I felt this at all times, that continuing to be alive is a failure and I need to do whats right. It was bizarre to remember. But there had to be a reason I felt this.

I attempted again to probe at the alter, to try and figure out whats the reason for all this, what was done to us to make us so determined to die? And this time I managed to get a little bit of information – the the alter lashed out at me saying 'well there's no other way! remember this!' and I got some interesting flashbacks of psychological abuse. I knew vaguely this was going on, but forgot for the most part, that it had any effect on me. (tw for the next part)

When I was about 8 or 9, I got my own room, and one of my caretakers, my grandmother, had an issue with that. Until then, she was able to lock me in her own room and beat me, because I slept in there, but now it was a bit more difficult to catch me. So, she would often stand in my doorway, and scream at me, for hours, in bouts of intense rage. I thought this was normal at the time, just because it was so common, and nobody did anything to stop it.

She would start by calling me animal names, and demonic names, telling me that I'm the most selfish brat to ever exist who only ever thinks of themselves, and I will burn in hell for it – she would describe it in detail how I would be boiled eternally, there was no escape from it. Then she would go on to tell me how everything that is wrong in the world is directly my fault – my parents fighting, other people being upset, her entire life and misery, that was all on me, I was the direct cause of it. And then, she would go on to describe in detail, how she was going to kill me, usually suffocating me with her bare hands. And she would swear and promise that she would do it, she'd challenge me to not even think that it wouldn't happen. And then she'd go on to describe how much I deserved that, how everything I do in life is done directly to ruin her life, to cause her misery, how I'm a demon who is only happy when she suffers, how I satisfy myself by torturing her, how I am the most twisted, cruel, despicable, demonic, monstrous, unforgivable, horrendous ugly creature that ever existed, worst person in the entire world, and how I should be deeply ashamed of myself and everything I've ever done. She would state very clearly how everything in the entire world would be better if I didn't exist.

Now, me being age 9 or something like that, I thought, well, maybe she's right, maybe I am a bad person, maybe I am selfish by not forfeiting every second of my life to others, maybe I really am the reason everyone is fighting all the time, maybe I could have stopped it. Maybe I need to think about others more often, maybe I need to be more critical of myself. But, no matter how much I changed my behaviour, her rage wouldn't stop, until I was faced with the inescapable feeling of just being so intrinsically wrong and defected that I shouldn't exist. I remember wanting to disappear, wanting to fall trough the floor and into the earth and cease and desist. I would have to spend hours and hours listening to her scream, telling me I should have been murdered the second I was born.

And at this point my father had tried to/almost killed me a few times so death felt like a very inevitable and natural thing to happen to me. I wasn't even scared of upset about it because it just seemed like one of the normal things you know? If you're small and you see things are bad you easily accept your fate. If everyone around you thinks you should die, then you will die soon and thats that.

So by the age of 13 I was full on suicidal, I saw no value in myself, I felt violence and pain was all I deserved because everyone agreed upon it, and it was what I was experiencing at all times. I couldn't stop listening to the screaming and at the end of it, I just agreed with it, it felt true, why would anyone say it so many times, with such intense rage, if it was made up? And by the person who knew me since I was born? I had no arguments against it.

And then one day I was like, wait, this will kill me. Her screaming at me will force me into suicide. I can't have that. I need to cut her off if I want to live. This person doesn't love me, she's trying to kill me. I can't keep listening to her or I'll die. And then I did the funniest thing – I stopped talking to her even though we lived at the same house. And she did even funnier thing and DIDN'T NOTICE for a FULL YEAR. Which sounds wild on the surface, but here's how it played out: She would say something to me, I would stay quiet. She would assume my answer, and say what she wanted me to say, and add 'right?' at the end. I would stay quiet. She would continue the conversation as if I had said what she imagined. And this went on for a year.

With this new situation unfolding, I became certain that she didn't love me, even though she would cry and swear how she sacrificed everything for me and was the only person who loved me and so on – I literally caught her not noticing that she's cut off for a whole year. That was some heavy evidence and I had it.

The screaming however, continued, but now I decided, hey, I don't need to listen to this shit. I would put my hands on my ears (didn't have earphones in that era) and make whatever noises to shut her out. And it worked, I became unaffected by the screaming because I was no longer listening, she eventually stopped because it became obvious that I was oblivious to it and had no reaction, and I guess that was just not fun for her. I went on to not be severely affected by whatever she said because I understood by then that she's a liar and after my life and didn't care for her antics anymore.

Now you might be noticing a lack of consistency here – just how would a child who is completely broken and suicial just snap out of it, decide to cut off the cause of suicidality and then live on to be unaffected by the same abuse that almost cost them their life until then? I originally thought it was some survival instinct kicking in, letting me know that I'm too close to death and need to be putting some boundaries in my life, but that wasn't the case. I went on to think that I was no longer affected by the years of this abuse, I never thought about it, never felt like I needed to process that, I was convinced I dealt with this as a child.

What actually happened is that I became too close to suicide and I split. My osdd figured I was  close to death and something needed to be done. An alter formed who was able to contain all of that trauma inside themselves, the memories of how it felt to listen to that screaming for hours and hours until all hope was lost, until I could no longer see myself as anything but deserving of death and eternal hell. That was wrapped up and put inside a child version of myself who couldn't grow, couldn't see trough any of it, and had to stay trapped in that world, where they're always a minute away from being psychologically tortured and having their integrity assaulted in every way possible, and forced to listen how much their family members wanted to brutally murder them.

Once this alter split off, I was left in control of the body. I was able to evaluate the situation without the emotional effects of being brainwashed or tortured and decided to cut of grandmother immediately and to live my life without listening to her nonsense.

What is interesting to me is that this was the third time an alter split off in order for our life to be saved, one before was split due to my father, and another due to my grandmother, because of other nasty stuff she was doing to me. I'm trying to figure out just how neglected a child needs to be that a complete overhaul of attitude, sudden non-reactiveness to brainwashing and sudden complete apathy to screaming interactions, is just not noticed. Like this kid was close to death seconds before and now they're just fine and going on about their day ignoring everyone, and nobody noticed.

And this is not me being strong or resilient or anything like that. It was my brain tearing my memories and emotions in pieces and containing them into alters so that I would be able to live on without comitting suicide. If this hadn't happened I'd be dead. This also meant that all of that trauma would come back and make me sick for the rest of my life, or until I resolve it. That was me sacrificing my future in order to be able to survive the present. Developing trauma disorders that meant I would have to live while the pressure to commit suicide is always present in my brain, but I can resist it because I don't remember how it came to be there.

*

So, back to the main plot, after I finally extracted this information from my trapped, tortured alter, who just wanted to end it all, I said 'okay, well give the trauma to me, I'm older so it makes sense for me to handle it.'

I didn't handle it well. It was instant pain, dread, horror, I wanted to be dead. I was bedridden for days, kept re-experiencing the screaming, remembered  how many times I listened to descriptions of myself getting murdered, felt very horrified about it, and couldn't see how I thought this wouldn't affect me. What even needs to be wrong with a person to go tell a child in detail how they're going to murder them, how is this giving anyone pleasure. Feeling very icky about that. How hard would it be not to speak out loud your children-murdering fantasies. Get a secret diary or something for heavens sake.

It's a few days later and I am feeling, kinda weak, kinda close to passing out at all times, a bit shaken, bit scared. Very betrayed. Thankfully my sense of self is enough well established that I never doubt if anything that was said to me back then was true, because I'm so disgusted with the person who said it, I'm just feeling grossed out with it. I don't think I've managed to take in all of the trauma from the child alter, it wouldn't be something I could experience in a few days, it's been years of that stuff. But I'm glad to make progress, I'm pleased that something originally nonsensical makes sense, I'm glad I can make connections to why this alter is so suicidal, and I can at least try to make it easier on them. I'm hopeful that one day this part of me won't need to be trapped in an eternal state of a child being told to die.