#easier to just fuck around i guess
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sister paul, meet father mary eunice
#midnight mass#father paul#american horror story#ahs asylum#sister mary eunice#hamish linklater#lily rabe#this wasnt what i opened my canvas to do. tonight or last night.#easier to just fuck around i guess#also i actually havent seen ahs. i hope i didnt go too ooc#i keep making haim's mole way bigger than it actually is but . i love it and think its cute so i cant stop...#father eunice has some sideburns btw you cant see them but theyre there#my art
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adhd is when you shoot for the moon but you forgot the rocket fuel and by the time you realize it everyones already on the moon and then you panic and crash into the sun and it explodes
#my meds stopped working and i didnt know thats something that can fucking happen apparently???#like i knew eventually my body can get used to medicine that the effect kind of dulls but for some reason this time around i thought#that my body just decided to become lazier since the meds were already working anyway. cuz thats the thing as soon as smth is made#easier for me even if its the thing thats supposed to make the disability less disabling i get too relaxed and end up fucking up anyway#so i assumed my fucking cells worked the same way LMAO. they still technically work like i can feel my energy spike when it kicks in#but everything else like focus and memory went down and i thought oh so its just a me problem then. my habits are getting worse#even though ive been doing everything the same like setting reminders checking my schedule. hell ive been setting MORE reminders#to make up for the memory thing and i didnt even realize i just knew i had to compensate since it feels like my memory is getting#worse again. and i only figured this out bc my brother showed me an icecreamsandwich video with him talking about the EXACT FUCKING#THING IM GOING THRU WORD FOR WORD#i have to bring this up with my doctor next week so maybe i have to take different meds. i wonder if this will be a recurring thing#i guess one thing that hasnt changed is that im still slow as hell and stuff only comes to me 5 hours after the fact#its 6 in the morning and i only JUST realized that the word froyo is probably short for frozen yogurt#yapping#adhd
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experimentin w shit heehee
#fake peppino#arts#mine#horror#eye strain#guh#body horror#a lil tho but i just think thats a more commonly blacklisted tag than 'horror'#spooky month is the only time im like. i guess i should TRY to draw spooky shit#i always feel like my style is too loose and roumnd to convey it in the way i want to#but spooky month is like okay u can fuck around and fuck up and itll still be good. the spirit of spookyness n all that#i love horror so much but it feels so hard to grasp. like what is ACTUALLY scary yknow?#its very easy to say whats not scary but then its also so hard to stop urself from doing the same things lol#to be fair. stories and 'motion' (through the use of comics or animations) are far easier ways to convey things like suspense n stuff#still art is like. well that is an image alright lol#not entirely true tho; theres an artist i dont know the name of that did trailcam images that were photorealistic#and theyre sooooooooo fuckin creepy#like when i get around to doing more fp art i wanna use that and the lighting in it as practice#okay thats it i think; gonna draw furry shit bc i need comms yay yippeeeeeee
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Sometimes I wonder how I'm ever gonna be able to work on the other Spinch stories I have, I have so many ideas for things but only so much fixation power
#text#every once in a while ill doodle a character from one of my other stories but thats like It. so many of them are so underdeveloped#sparklecare and the cometverse (cometcare and DM) are like the only things ive managed to actualize to a solid continuous form#nightstars was Almost there but Things Happened and its not around anymore#i actually have a few series that havent even been publicly shared yet because i have so little for them#KG and SE and HNU are all sort of in a Void right now. i dont know how to revisit them#and stay connected#i guess the cometverse is easier because it has a foundation with the main comic which is where the most development exists#i just wish i had more time. the AUs are easier to actualize because theyre just For Fun#KG and SE and HNU are all Serious Stories that i would want to treat with the same level of chronological storytelling as main SC#those aren't just For Fun. the AUs are for fun so i can just do fuck all and do whatever i want and it doesnt matter how i do it#its so frustrating! so many things in the kittycorn mind so little time#sorry for long tags
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hello and welcome to another episode of me being insufferable about the fact that i made a mask replica (iv edition). not much i can say except that it took a lot of time and effort and i had a blast working with airdry clay again. also i didn't watch the "making of" videos (tho i did get the original creator's blessing to make a replica of my own). we diy like men. hope you enjoy. pictures of it being worn pending.
#sleep token#sleep token art#sleep token iv#sleep token fanart#sleep token worship#sleep token mask#bygone art#bygone beloved#it's a fucking. iv art double whammy idk#i finished this mask a little before i finished the painting but wanted to keep it for later. guess now is later.#the gold parts are gilded instead of just painted yea. the gold leaf isn't actually gold tho. i'm not rich i'm an artist#i'm an artist and i had gold leaf sheets lying around from dicemaking/resin stuff#i just use pre shredded flakes for that now. it's easier. gilding on the other hand.#let this be a lesson on how having ten thousand hobbies at once can be good actually /hj
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Man, my apartment people texted me to ask if I'd be able to accommodate a 4 pm virtual showing today bc the potential client set up a tour for a different apartment but decided they wanted to look at my unit instead. And I'm just sitting here like uhhhh. Nah lmao. I don't wanna have to do that short notice cleaning. So I told them no
Now I'm wondering what's up with this client tho like. U can't just go touring in all these different units just for funsies... like ppl r still living here... no I don't want u coming in here at such short notice. And I am legally allowed to say no. So yay 👍
#speculation nation#i need to go to the grocery to pick up cat litter bc i need to change out the litter#but man im having a chill ass Saturday. i kinda dont wanna go.#need to work on my lab later today. i also need to uhh..... ugh......#theres a career fair this week that i really should go to. and i need to prep my resume for it and make sure i have 'business professional'#dress. whatever that actually means. guess im gonna be looking it up.#i REALLY REALLY REALLY dont want to. id rather just fuck around this weekend and do my normal chores and homework.#and fuck around during the week too with bowling and orchestra. but noooooooo#i have to think about my futuuuuuure#man i also need to start looking into apartment hunting. since i do need to move this summer.#and it's already february... heck i have to pay rent and bills today too. ughhhhhhh#being a responsible adult 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 sucks bro#omg i also got uh. taxes to do. got my w-2 in from the month and a half i worked at the start of last year lmao#and apparently interest income is taxable. so i gotta factor that in too...#BUT insurance payouts are NOT taxable. thank god. i wouldnt wanna see what taxes on that lump of sum wouldve been.#i think i technically would have an income thats below the income rung for legally being required to file taxes#but i think i still will. in case i manage to get anything Back. still worth it probably.#i'll do that later tho. i got like 2 and a half months. ill try to not do it too late.#that and the apartment hunting are not immediately pressing. unfortunately the bills and the career fair Are immediately pressing.#man. resumes. i made a 'professional' one for my business writing class a few years back. no idea where it is tho now.#i guess i could go looking on my old computers. would probably be easier to start based on that than start from scratch.#my actual resume for actual job hunting ive done is. also on old computers. and also severely out of date.#i havent gone job hunting since like... honestly like 2016. legit. bc i got that cookie job and then in 2017 i came back to campus#and went to the bubble tea shop id worked at in 2015-2016. and they hired me back on real easy. and there i remained until 2024.#i just really hate job searching. and im a little nervous about it being a Big Boy salary job kinda shit.#but i will do my best... i wont let anxiety stop me from at least making an effort......
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I NEED someone to tell me why the quote 'To be Loved is To be Changed' has been everywhere recently every single time I go onto any social media the quote is there it might've always been there and I just havent noticed but it truly feels like its been everywhere recently and holy shit I never knew a quote could hit so much
My initial reaction to it was like what no? You shouldn't have to change to be loved by someone. Untill I realised that they're not forcing you to change, the change happened naturally alongside them. To be loved is to be changed because you're growing with them, because they are such an ever present constant in you're life that you don't even realise how much you've changed, how much you've grown with them. You don't realise that those facts you learnt aren't from books or websites, there are people you recognise online but you weren't the one obsessed with them. The way certain things remind you of someone, colours, sweets, songs, when you leave a space beside you open cause someone belongs there .
You've changed because you were loved and you loved.
To be loved is to be changed. But you didn't have to change to be loved.
#to be loved is to be changed#its possibly my fav#my new favourite quote ever#ive seen it everywhere#quotes#quotes that matter#i need to read more literature#yeah i love this quote#quoteoftheday#i guess#idk ive seen it everywhere and it kinda just hit hard#the more i think about it the more i love it#yeah it kinda makes my heart stop#its the small ways in which you change around a person#not in the to protect myself way#but in the#i want to make their life a little easier so im changing the way i behave because they deserve it#because i love them#because they do it for me#like imprinting#leaving a mark#to signify youve been loved#fuck i love this sm
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#Someone probably posted about it but...#Liam's dad and Paul visited the memorial at the hotel today#According to some tweets they're returning to the uk#I am guessing tomorrow or maybe tonight#I can't believe how long it's taken#It's so heartbreaking#It's so fucked up#It's so sad#Tears instantly filled my eyes when I saw the photos of him and paul#They're so appreciative of the fans who loved Liam like that#And I'm sure they've seen everything around the world poof#*ooof#And I'm almost sure the funeral will be public#Like a friend say it's probably easier than trying to make it private knowing how everything is#Then I remembered Michael Jackson's funeral#It was a long time ago and i don't remember thaaaat much but I do remember the crowds and how publicized it was#I guess we'll see...#I just-#You know some not-nice people will be there and we can't prevent that... So let's not focus on that and just...#Yeah... I think it's the closure his family his brothers his friends and all of us need#Closure is a weird way of saying it... But idk... Maybe it'll settle in more? Idk idk#It's all so new#Anyway. Remember we're all in this together and we all cope differently and we're grateful to have each other!#💚
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Oh god. I have to see my family in three days
#if you guys start to see a spiraling mental breakdown starting on Christmas Eve#mind ya business#every time I see my siblings I just get more and more upset#and feel more and more bitter over my mother#it’s been 6 months since I last saw them#wonder how much has changed since then. wonder how much worse they are#also I’m worried my sister will bring her boyfriend to Christmas dinner#he’s like. fine I guess. the same kind of shitty as her but whatever#it was easier to ignore that I won’t ever be able to bring a partner when none of my siblings were old enough to do so#now that they ARE doing it. it makes it…. yeah#seeing my grandma interact with him and being happy and chatty#but knowing if I ever brought MY gf it would be a fucking disaster#unless I lied and said she was just a friend. which is shitty enough anyways#but wouldn’t even work my mom and aunt and sister would still make shitty snide comments when my grandparents weren’t around#ugh#I should stop thinking about this#I’m just making myself mad#kaz rambles
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IA 2.0 voisona test with a short version of drag on dragoon's ending B song tsukiru/exhausted :) now i can hear Lia's beautiful dulcet tones sing scary scary songs
#vocal synth wip#maybe i'll finish it. not sure if im fully happy with the base file yet. ive been working on it + the growing wings ver for a thousand year#the timing is super tricky. why did i decide to make an svp of the most intentionally muffled smothering whispering song on earth#as my first attempt at making an svp by myself. why did i do this myself#also the instrumental probably needs work since its just a basic like software remove vocal situation LOL#there is no official instrumental rip..... i think someone had made a nice piano instrumental like five years ago but the videos down so#this is all we got LOL#the base file was an svp because i started this whole project in sv because..... its easier for me LOL BUt also i didnt feel like dealing#with the whispering in the bg of the original so i was like. just gonna make a flat track and maybe output the aspiration separate#and like fuck around with that until it sounds weird enough. but voisona and cevio dont have that function so i just stopped at the main#vocal + the chorus double. which also i have been so spoiled by sv scripts. randomize timing my beloved. i had to manually randomize it her#it took.... a thousand years 😔😔😔😔 although i guess thats fine since the tuning is like mostly default with just some tiny adjustments#i was more interested in messing with the different voice expressions and stuff in voisona <3 IA 2.0 has like this awesome exhale expressio#that im in love with because like. okay the one thing i think UTAU banks always have on any other synth is the end breath situation#no other software has given me as expressive end breaths as ur average utau bank. but IA's exhale is getting there!!!#also hopefully this isnt too loud. this is a very loud song. drakengard is a very loud game#edit: i mixed this like deliriously melting from a lack of AC and a bajillion percent humidity and listening back i now realize how#fucked up the volume levels are LOL ia's a BIT too loud and that double should be messed with a lot#but it works for demo purposes i think at least. kinda
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working on some naruto fanart and i just want to say i love sakura so much i almost threw hands with a coworker for calling her annoying the other day. i think she (and a lot of the female characters lbr) was done so dirty and thank god for fandom in that regard. huge fan of stuff that fleshes out the girls.
#birbtalks#naruto#i'm always nervous tagging my textposts bc on the one hand i want to make it easier for people to filter out#on the other hand i don't want my random thoughts in the main tag? idk how to work around that.#like i don't make original text posts about anything that often so i guess it's not that big of a deal but eh#also like i don't actually care too much if someone doesn't like sakura#i will just probably not engage with their content#if they post hate in her main tags though or on positive posts about her?#blocked#that applies to pretty much anything though#but like i was looking up sasu/saku and found completely unrelated sa/suke ships bc they were tagging anti stuff and like#listen why tag 'anti sasu/saku' on some random sasu/hina art#chill the fuck out#jesus christ#breaking up the ship names so that hopefully they don't show up in those ship tags
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...
#it is truly so wild to go from feeling miserable and hopeless all the time for... lets look at my excel sheet#the last 23 days. then to suddenly rocket up to smiling to myself all day. the world is so fucking beautiful#for no rational reason aside from what i have to assume is a chemical shift in my body#like is this what happy ppl feel like all the time? its truely so crazy. have i always been like this?#did i not notice this was a thing? like ive definitely noticed it in the last year but like ???#my suspicion is that it doesnt actually last long enough to b considered hypomania but like idk i should see a doctor probably lol#u would think being happy would make it easier to do things but i just keep forgetting to do them and just like spacing out lol bc rn i#feel chill. even tho i need to make a list of the shit i gotta do by Friday. bleh. but idk it makes being in thr lab so much nicer bc i#mean. i still dont give a fuck abt what im doing but im like fuck it this isnt gonna b my problem in like 2-3 months. even tho im sure ill#still have to write up everything. but idk. it also makes it easier to b like. ok so i kno what my problems r lets plan yo make things not#so horrible so u dont just live a miserable life and then like die having lived a life of fear. like its so crazy how much easier thst is#to do rn??? well see how long it lasts but yea v strange. wish i could control my fucking focus tho. like that would b great#its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in#the face. like not helpful. i need to b able to do things.#i guess the weird thing rn is thst while i feel happy. i also have this like simmering fear of irrational things. like when i used to live#in my parents basement and i was terrified of the dark rooms down there at night. like that kind of childish baseless fear#but like im in i tiny tiny apartment lol like bro what r u scared of??? silly silly silly#idk hopefully it holds out the whole rest of the week and then i can travel and see my parents like !!! yo !!! happy vibes :-D#that would b kinda unhinged lmao. i doubt itll last thst long. its already slipped from this morning so we shall see#unrelated
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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why is it so much worse knowing how many people out there want me (& everyone in this body) dead cause we don't feel empathy than knowing about the ones who want the same cause we're trans
#i mean i guess it's cause we live in a bubble where most people we know are trans#n the whole 'empathy makes us human' thing is a rly popular opinion in the more progressive circles#i guess it's. just another item in the long list of traits that might make us subhuman to others#we don't even have it as bad as people w/ like aspd n stuff. it's a lot easier to hide for us#usually will come off as social awkwardness instead#but every time there's a video going around the mainstream sm where someone w/ low/no empathy talks about how their mind works#the majority of the comments are just so. dehumanizing. like we're some rabid animals that need to be put down for public safety#n i guess causw it's so inherently linked to whatever it is about our wiring that makes us so. different from almost everyone else.#why we can't seem to connect w/ people n why we feel so fucking isolated all the time#like we just came out wrong n there's no fixing it#& the way we've lately come to understand more how much dmg our mother prevented w/ her parenting#but also how much of it that stuck coulda been prevented if she'd had the tools & safe environment#i don't even mean like. the trauma shit. but the things that needed to be noticed n steered into a different direction when we were small#instead of us wreaking havoc up to our late teens when we finally connected some dots that most people have connected from birth#though i think most of the usual ways of correcting it are more or less abusive. there's ones that aren't but idk how accessible that info#woulda been 20+ years ago#anyway it just really sucks how our fb feed tries to give us some light informative vids on people w/ similar experiences in some areas#n the comments are 80% ppl throwing around diagnoses they don't understand#n holding us responsible for everything their shitty abusive ex/parent/boss did#n literally sayin shit like 'people like this are better off dead'#not very good for my mental health#even though i don't give much more value to those people than they put on ones like me#spdrvent
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