#depression rambles

[panproblemchild]

I don't understand why I always ruin everything. Why I can't just sit back and keep my mouth shut. I want to be better, I want to change everything that I am but I can't. I want to be soft spoken and sweet and pretty. I want mothers to look at me and hope their daughters turn out like me, I want little kids to look at me and not just see a good person but an other worldly creature. I want to be beautiful and gentle like flowers and sunlight shining through the trees and kisses on cheeks and smiles after crying that aren't forced but brought to light from the love of your life. I want to be small and delicate but not fragile and weak, I want to be all of the things that I was taught I should be. But I'm not. I'm loud and rude and most times mean and borderline evil. I'm annoying and rough and all the things that aren't what everyone wants me to be. I'm a fire that's been burnt out and still too bright. I'm ugly and dark and disgusting. I'm always the villain in every story or nothing at all. I'm always going to be too much but never enough. I'm always going to be alone and unloved. I'm no butterfly, I'm not going to have some incredible change, I'm never going to become beautiful, because only caterpillars turn into butterflies and I'm just a spider spinning a web that people keep walking through

[bingeblogging]

The amount of loss I've already experienced this year lol including the first official serious bf who I took too long to figure out I'm in love with

He didn't pass away, it's just a case of me being too careful but simultaneously self sabatoging it to the point of no return

But also that loss includes my will to live

Honestly tho I'm proud for simply doing the bare minimum and still waking up and going to work and being so nice and happy to my colleagues and keeping myself busy at work, but damn, I completely dissolve into a defeated sad individual when I walk into a sink full of month old dishes in the sink in my cluttered and roach infested apartment I share with my mentally ill and messy mom who barely leaves her room, let alone cleans anything... but hey at least I have my own room and 2 cutie cats laying in bed with me though right?

Yeah I could be living with a man who adored me to pieces and would willingly apply lotion to me after I showered and overall called and treated me like a queen. I'd be loved, I'd have (kinda) my own space, I'd finally escape this shit hole. The same that I've been dealing with for my entire 25 years of life.

So here I am, ghosting the 2 "friends" I had left. Ones that are only there if I need them. The ones I can barely call friends because they're so distant. I'd rather severe all ties and be alone than to be the one that always initiates, the one who always gets cancelled on, the one who is never the first choice. Hell, I'm not even a part of the multiple choice question. Not even a "write in" option.

Why do I end up sad, depressed, alone, stuck, when I finally decide to put myself first? Why do I feel 10x worse? Why is it that the older I get, the harder it gets? When will it get better? When will it be my turn to be happy? Why do I feel like I have to push my limits and work extremely hard for things that seem to fall in place for many? Why when I set my mind toward those things that I get kicked back to square one, door slammed in my face, being continuously kicked when I'm already down, when I'm already DOWN BAD IN ROCK BOTTOM'S BASEMENT (ummmm pretty sure I found a new playlist name)

Anyways I might as well share my playlist of all the songs I spiral to, yikes to this whole post

Love how everything I share to the internet is like an overshare, concerning joke and a lowkey cry for help, except I've been doing it for yeaaarrrs and still don't have the answers

[edains]

Rick Riordan constantly trashing the movies for not sticking to his books then releasing a show in which he rewrites everything and loses the spirit of the books entirely

[lin-squiggly]

It doesn't matter what I try to do to make friends when no matter the method, the process of meeting people in public under any circumstances is fundamentally emotionally painful bar a select few instances involving people I've already formed a bond with.

What the fuck am I supposed to do when I can't make it stop hurting? What the fuck am I supposed to do when no matter what I try and no matter where I go the attempt to make friends is painful?

Why should I even try when it hurts so bad and even worse when I fail? How do I make it fucking stop?

I want it to fucking stop, I want my attempts to work, to get over this fucking inability to speak to people, I want to form bonds, I want to hang out, I want to but when it hurts so fucking much to try, and even more to fail, I'm left asking what's the fucking point..

Depression episode vent.

[lazylittledragon]

me when going to bed at a normal time, eating fruits, having less caffeine, not socially isolating and taking silly little walks actually improves my mental health, knowing that i avoided it for years because i didn’t think it would do anything

[ramblingmindofrayyan]

Sometimes it’s really lonely being me.

[impactrueno]

[haunted-xander]

Who's the "real" me?

+ some references for the Rise-related things I included <3

[traumasurvivors]

I often see messages about how “one day you’ll be thankful you didn’t give up”.

And I remember reading these messages years ago and dismissing them. I’d even feel bitter at them. I’d feel annoyed even. I thought there was never a chance they would be true for me.

I was wrong. I constantly feel so glad I stuck around.

This morning, I laid next to my husband and felt safe in his arms. And I thought about how glad I was to be here with him. I’d have never met him if I hadn’t tried to recover.

While writing this post, my dog stretched in the bed before circling and plopping herself back down. Her head pushed into my side, snoring so quickly. And I was so thankful to be around to hear her little snores and feel her next to me. I’d have never had her if I hadn’t done the work to heal.

Yesterday, my best friend and I made plans to see each other. She told me she loved me. It made me feel warm inside and so thankful I was around to see her get married and have her at my wedding.

I enjoy the little things now. I enjoy the way my husband always gives me a forehead kiss before he leaves. I enjoy the way my dog comes running when she hears me go lay on the bed because she wants to be with me. I enjoy the tea I have every day, being able to be outside in the sun. I enjoy excitedly waiting for music from my favourite artists to drop.

All these things I’d never enjoy if I gave up.

I am thankful I stuck around. I am thankful I didn’t give up.

And I hope that if you aren’t, that one day you are too.

[jellyjamheadobb]

[chronicowboy]

no but my work here is done is still fucking destroying me because like. bobby doesn't know. bobby doesn't know that buck enjoys their cooking lessons because he gets to be with bobby. bobby doesn't know that buck probably agreed to it at first to get closer to him. bobby doesn't know that whilst yes buck loves cooking it was always more about the quality time. bobby doesn't know that buck could be the best chef in the world and he'd still pretend not to know the correct way to slice a pineapple just so he could get an extra few moments with bobby. bobby doesn't know.

[letsventstuff]

I can't. I really can't take any more of this.

[lin-squiggly]

What if reality is a simulation? Well.. what if it isn't? A simulation is programmed, things exist because the rules of the system and those who control it exist, things happen because the system says they should

Surely the world being real and chaotic and without meaning or purpose is the more frightening option..

Is the simulation conspiracy theory just a desire to explain the perceived randomness in the world in a way many turn to religion to do, but for people who believe they are too intellectual for religion?

Or is there more to the idea?

I dunno, I'm sad and rambly

[shinobus-left-eye]

FULLY VOICED METEOR IMPACT TIME TO DIE AGAIN

[ramblingmindofrayyan]

Why am I always so lonely. It hurts. It hurts.

[mattodore]

birthday boy 🎂