#depression rambles
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I'm so fucking tired, nothing is interesting, and I can't bring myself to work on the things I love to do and want to finish. I just wanna scream and cry and quit my job and completely pivot and I fucking hate it
#went to full time last month#and it's kicking my ass#and I didn't realize just how depressed it was making me#until I got a week of vacation and got to breathe and live outside of work again#and now the thought of having to go back to work tomorrow makes me wanna just Not#But I need the paycheck#So my knitting that's literally 20 rows from being done sits there#while I have a breakdown#and isolate myself from all my friends#cause I just can't stand the thought of putting this burden onto them while being the most unfun person to be around#I can't wait until I can find a job that isn't retail#and doesn't leave me hating the thought of my daily life#depression rambles
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I don't understand why I always ruin everything. Why I can't just sit back and keep my mouth shut. I want to be better, I want to change everything that I am but I can't. I want to be soft spoken and sweet and pretty. I want mothers to look at me and hope their daughters turn out like me, I want little kids to look at me and not just see a good person but an other worldly creature. I want to be beautiful and gentle like flowers and sunlight shining through the trees and kisses on cheeks and smiles after crying that aren't forced but brought to light from the love of your life. I want to be small and delicate but not fragile and weak, I want to be all of the things that I was taught I should be. But I'm not. I'm loud and rude and most times mean and borderline evil. I'm annoying and rough and all the things that aren't what everyone wants me to be. I'm a fire that's been burnt out and still too bright. I'm ugly and dark and disgusting. I'm always the villain in every story or nothing at all. I'm always going to be too much but never enough. I'm always going to be alone and unloved. I'm no butterfly, I'm not going to have some incredible change, I'm never going to become beautiful, because only caterpillars turn into butterflies and I'm just a spider spinning a web that people keep walking through
#depression rambles#can't sleep#self h@te#my adhd#ex christian#my life is a story and i'm not even the main character#middle child#my family hates me
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The amount of loss I've already experienced this year lol including the first official serious bf who I took too long to figure out I'm in love with
He didn't pass away, it's just a case of me being too careful but simultaneously self sabatoging it to the point of no return
But also that loss includes my will to live
Honestly tho I'm proud for simply doing the bare minimum and still waking up and going to work and being so nice and happy to my colleagues and keeping myself busy at work, but damn, I completely dissolve into a defeated sad individual when I walk into a sink full of month old dishes in the sink in my cluttered and roach infested apartment I share with my mentally ill and messy mom who barely leaves her room, let alone cleans anything... but hey at least I have my own room and 2 cutie cats laying in bed with me though right?
Yeah I could be living with a man who adored me to pieces and would willingly apply lotion to me after I showered and overall called and treated me like a queen. I'd be loved, I'd have (kinda) my own space, I'd finally escape this shit hole. The same that I've been dealing with for my entire 25 years of life.
So here I am, ghosting the 2 "friends" I had left. Ones that are only there if I need them. The ones I can barely call friends because they're so distant. I'd rather severe all ties and be alone than to be the one that always initiates, the one who always gets cancelled on, the one who is never the first choice. Hell, I'm not even a part of the multiple choice question. Not even a "write in" option.
Why do I end up sad, depressed, alone, stuck, when I finally decide to put myself first? Why do I feel 10x worse? Why is it that the older I get, the harder it gets? When will it get better? When will it be my turn to be happy? Why do I feel like I have to push my limits and work extremely hard for things that seem to fall in place for many? Why when I set my mind toward those things that I get kicked back to square one, door slammed in my face, being continuously kicked when I'm already down, when I'm already DOWN BAD IN ROCK BOTTOM'S BASEMENT (ummmm pretty sure I found a new playlist name)
Anyways I might as well share my playlist of all the songs I spiral to, yikes to this whole post
Love how everything I share to the internet is like an overshare, concerning joke and a lowkey cry for help, except I've been doing it for yeaaarrrs and still don't have the answers
#tw depressing stuff#tw depression#cw depression#tw depressing thoughts#sorry for being depressing#tw mental breakdown#cw mental breakdown#d3pression#cw sui mention#cw sui thoughts#cw depressive thoughts#depression rant#sad music#sad playlist#depression music#spotify playlist#depression rambles#tw sadness#tw sad shit#tw sad thoughts#Spotify#down bad
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Rick Riordan constantly trashing the movies for not sticking to his books then releasing a show in which he rewrites everything and loses the spirit of the books entirely
#pjo#pjo show crit#rr crit#im throwing down for the films ok#they were a horrible adaptation but they were entertaining#watching the kid actors in the show with garbage writing & directing is depressing#rebekah rambles#*actors doing fucking amazing btw
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It doesn't matter what I try to do to make friends when no matter the method, the process of meeting people in public under any circumstances is fundamentally emotionally painful bar a select few instances involving people I've already formed a bond with.
What the fuck am I supposed to do when I can't make it stop hurting? What the fuck am I supposed to do when no matter what I try and no matter where I go the attempt to make friends is painful?
Why should I even try when it hurts so bad and even worse when I fail? How do I make it fucking stop?
I want it to fucking stop, I want my attempts to work, to get over this fucking inability to speak to people, I want to form bonds, I want to hang out, I want to but when it hurts so fucking much to try, and even more to fail, I'm left asking what's the fucking point..
Depression episode vent.
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me when going to bed at a normal time, eating fruits, having less caffeine, not socially isolating and taking silly little walks actually improves my mental health, knowing that i avoided it for years because i didn’t think it would do anything
#ramble#and also the sun came out but that’s out of my control#yes the depression is still there but it makes a damn difference they’re not lying to you#the flesh sack still has things wrong with it but it’s not nutrient deficient anymore at least
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Sometimes it’s really lonely being me.
#ramblingmindofrayyan#my ramblings#my diary#personal#i'm sad#tw depressing thoughts#sadgirl#sad thoughts#spilled tears#spilled words#spilled ink#spilled thoughts#writeblr#writers on tumblr#writing#writers and poets#literature#the tortured poets department#life quotes#quotes#booklr#life#poetry#relationships#feeling alone#love#mental health#why am i like this#happiness
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crusty evolution redraw. in theory.
#xmen#xmen evolution#erik lehnsherr#magneto#quicksilver#pietro maximoff#snap sketches#i stopped liking this past the lineart stage but i told myself id try to finish whatever i start to at least try and learn somethin#did i learn anything ? thats for me to reflect on. for now tho ramble time 😌#its painful to draw erik with short hair but sometimes you gotta get outta the usual !! <- never doing this again#ive been ahead of my schedule with stuff i have to draw so ive simply decided todaay will be My Day for personal doodles#idk why ive decided my first evo fanart should be the one where erik and pietro leave behind wanda but ok !!!!! freak#i have a long hair ver but i didnt color it. i was just greedy .. not greedy enough tho evidently#anyways i have like. idk what four episodes of evolution left ?? depressing this show's great ...#i didnt nkow theyd have a david ep ... a pleasant surprise but now im emo ...#OH WELL lets see what else i doodle tonight#this week's going to be annoying but i think i say that every week LMAO and look at that i get through them anyway#we'll be fine and chill team .. ok bye bye
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#beetlejuice#lydia deetz#song is ghosting by mother mother#i've been wanting to make a crushingly sad animatic with this song about lydia outgrowing beetlejuice and leaving him behind for years#maybe someday....#also editing this was funny because the original scene has its cartoony little incidental music as usual#and beetlejuice crying WAUUUGHHH in the bg after he leaves#so i had to remove all that LMAO#let's remove the cartoony tone and make it.....depressing!!!#anyway thank you if you read my tags sorry for rambling#beetleposting
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I often see messages about how “one day you’ll be thankful you didn’t give up”.
And I remember reading these messages years ago and dismissing them. I’d even feel bitter at them. I’d feel annoyed even. I thought there was never a chance they would be true for me.
I was wrong. I constantly feel so glad I stuck around.
This morning, I laid next to my husband and felt safe in his arms. And I thought about how glad I was to be here with him. I’d have never met him if I hadn’t tried to recover.
While writing this post, my dog stretched in the bed before circling and plopping herself back down. Her head pushed into my side, snoring so quickly. And I was so thankful to be around to hear her little snores and feel her next to me. I’d have never had her if I hadn’t done the work to heal.
Yesterday, my best friend and I made plans to see each other. She told me she loved me. It made me feel warm inside and so thankful I was around to see her get married and have her at my wedding.
I enjoy the little things now. I enjoy the way my husband always gives me a forehead kiss before he leaves. I enjoy the way my dog comes running when she hears me go lay on the bed because she wants to be with me. I enjoy the tea I have every day, being able to be outside in the sun. I enjoy excitedly waiting for music from my favourite artists to drop.
All these things I’d never enjoy if I gave up.
I am thankful I stuck around. I am thankful I didn’t give up.
And I hope that if you aren’t, that one day you are too.
#I should also note that#I’m in a major depressive episode right now#and I can still find the little joys#and that’s amazing to me tbh#my post#personal#sorry for the long ramble
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#Staying silly :3#(At my fucking wits end)#rey rambles#meme#memes#dumb shit#funny#relatable memes#funny memes#lmao#lol#best memes#twitter memes#tumblr memes#dank memes#humor#jokes#haha#mental health#mental health memes#depression memes#depression posting
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no but my work here is done is still fucking destroying me because like. bobby doesn't know. bobby doesn't know that buck enjoys their cooking lessons because he gets to be with bobby. bobby doesn't know that buck probably agreed to it at first to get closer to him. bobby doesn't know that whilst yes buck loves cooking it was always more about the quality time. bobby doesn't know that buck could be the best chef in the world and he'd still pretend not to know the correct way to slice a pineapple just so he could get an extra few moments with bobby. bobby doesn't know.
#sami rambles#hahahahaha im making myself depressed on the first sunny day in the week 😎#911 spoilers#911 show#evan buckley#bobby nash
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sometimes a pony gets depressed!
#this is kind of about the whole human/machine dichotomy i have going on with him and his mind .#of smoking as this thing that should be beneath him .as a man of science he should know better for his own health. And Yet He Must#rambling but i just think its interesting . ive thought about the topic a lot but this was from a warmup doodle initially oopz#+ lyric is from sometimes a pony gets depressed by the silver jews !!#maple doodles#psychonauts#psychonauts fanart#sasha nein
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I can't. I really can't take any more of this.
#actually bpd#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#depressing shit#3am things#3 am ramblings#3am thoughts#bpd vibes#tw 3d vent#vent#vent post#adhd problems#adhd things#adhd brain#adhd#you can go die#i cant do this#i cant take it anymore
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FULLY VOICED METEOR IMPACT TIME TO DIE AGAIN
#time to make chiaki's depressive episode 10 times worse#FUUUUUUUUUCK#I'M NOT READY THANK YOU#chiaki morisawa#morisawa chiaki#守沢千秋#kanata shinkai#shinkai kanata#深海奏汰#ryuseitai#流星隊#ensemble stars basic#ensemble stars#enstars#あんさんぶるスターズ!#あんスタ#mo rambles into the void#meteor impact
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What if reality is a simulation? Well.. what if it isn't? A simulation is programmed, things exist because the rules of the system and those who control it exist, things happen because the system says they should
Surely the world being real and chaotic and without meaning or purpose is the more frightening option..
Is the simulation conspiracy theory just a desire to explain the perceived randomness in the world in a way many turn to religion to do, but for people who believe they are too intellectual for religion?
Or is there more to the idea?
I dunno, I'm sad and rambly
#rambles#simulation#religion#philosophy#conspiracy#conspiracy theories#nonsense#i dunno ignore me#depression rambles#tired#sleepy#eepy#eepy sleepy deepy
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