#depression rant

[foxlungz]

We need to talk more about people who believe that antidepressants magically fix everything and that because someone takes them that they are all better now. Sadly it doesn’t work that way and most of the time it just helps the black cloud of depression that envelops your brain a tad smaller and helps you get through stuff a bit easier. Just because someone’s on meds for their mental health doesn’t mean they still don’t struggle. So having the mindset that people with mental health issues need to take antidepressants to “fix” all of their problems is such a harmful mindset to have. Also want to mention that sometimes these meds can actually have the opposite effect and make someone feel so much worse if it isn’t the right one for them. So to treat it in such a way just angers me.

[queerpossums]

how can you tell if you’re going to have a manic/hypomanic episode? /genq

i’ve had severe depression with psychotic features for nearly a decade, and the psychotic bit has been worse than usual. i’m also diagnosed with bpd and am terrible with emotional regulation.

normally i’ll cycle through dissociating, physically painful depression, anger, and euphoria alarmingly quickly, but recently there hasn’t been any depression in that mix. everything is so loud inside and i have to keep doing something even if it’s rearranging the same corner of my room all night. i haven’t been coping in the healthiest ways, and i don’t want things to get worse.

my head is too full of random shit and there’s so much shit floating around that isn’t there, but it’s also so fuzzy and feels like it’s going to get super bad all at once but it hasn’t yet.

i hope this was vaguely coherent im sorry

[i-am-trans-gwender]

I walk out of the shower and I disappointingly stare at my naked body for a solid 15 minutes. Eventually I snap out of it. I put clothes on and go into my bedroom.

I open the curtains, grab an energy drink and chug it all at once. As I stare out the window the sounds of insects and birds brings me temporary joy until I remember the body I inhabit.

I start sing mumbling the song "Hurt".

[dresupi]

I have fucked up my life beyond repair. I must have, because none of this would be happening if I didn't deserve it.

I've made too many bad decisions. I've let breaks slip through my fingers. I'm never going to be able to dig myself out of this. Everything that can go wrong, does. Because I fucked up my life. There's no way to fix it. I simply cannot handle anything else. I can't force myself to write. I suck right now anyway. I don't know how to market anything I make because I truly and honestly don't think anything I do is any good and people can tell that I don't believe the words when I say them. I can't seem to monetize literally anything that I do anyway. Everything I do is a waste.

My health is fucked and my family and I are trapped in a place that hates us, with no one close by, and no way to escape.

I have another MRI to check my brain next week, and I got a weird pap smear, so I have to go to the ob-gyn to check that out.

I honestly cannot think of anything good that could possibly happen.

And if it did, it would go to shit immediately.

I'm not thinking of anything dark right now, I just... I'm numb to everything.

[jellieboy007]

#1 - 31/10/23

Depression rant,,?

+ Happy Halloween / Feliz dia de las brujas :3

I have felt numb since my first day here. I don't find any activities interesting and I don't find any interactions interesting either. I feel as if I was born in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. Everything and everyone feels wrong to me. It's exhausting. Everything is exhausting really,,.. I wish I could find solace again the way I did back during that summer I felt excited to move schools, but that excitement is gone and I wont find solace ever again. It's like there is a deep black void growing to replace my body, mind, and soul until I'm just practically nothing but a ghost of who I was before when I felt happy. But I've never really felt happy, and no one really knows me, so is it really truly a ghost of who I am or just a ghost of what people thought of me? I'm not sure.. Rambling feels weird here. I know no one is listening but I guess it feels nice to let it out anyway. Here is some music by the way,.. Omori is very cool :33c

[stardustandash]

listen its stupid its so stupid but the fact that my preorder of jedi survivor hasn’t arrived has sent me into such a depression spiral. It was the game i told myself when i preordered it was a promise to have something to look forward to not not kms, but now that its not here and looks like its not actually going to come its just taking all i got to be here rn.  it’s been a rough year. Like I said its so stupid. 

[blue-spruce-bruce]

At this point I feel so depressed I don't even know how to talk about it. It's been there my entire life, but today it feels so terrifying I want to ask for help. I have a support system and people who want to help but I don't even know what to ask of them. Then the embarrassment.

It's a whole cycle that's taking place between my ears and all that's left is a loud ringing. I don't know what to do

[bingeblogging]

The amount of loss I've already experienced this year lol including the first official serious bf who I took too long to figure out I'm in love with

He didn't pass away, it's just a case of me being too careful but simultaneously self sabatoging it to the point of no return

But also that loss includes my will to live

Honestly tho I'm proud for simply doing the bare minimum and still waking up and going to work and being so nice and happy to my colleagues and keeping myself busy at work, but damn, I completely dissolve into a defeated sad individual when I walk into a sink full of month old dishes in the sink in my cluttered and roach infested apartment I share with my mentally ill and messy mom who barely leaves her room, let alone cleans anything... but hey at least I have my own room and 2 cutie cats laying in bed with me though right?

Yeah I could be living with a man who adored me to pieces and would willingly apply lotion to me after I showered and overall called and treated me like a queen. I'd be loved, I'd have (kinda) my own space, I'd finally escape this shit hole. The same that I've been dealing with for my entire 25 years of life.

So here I am, ghosting the 2 "friends" I had left. Ones that are only there if I need them. The ones I can barely call friends because they're so distant. I'd rather severe all ties and be alone than to be the one that always initiates, the one who always gets cancelled on, the one who is never the first choice. Hell, I'm not even a part of the multiple choice question. Not even a "write in" option.

Why do I end up sad, depressed, alone, stuck, when I finally decide to put myself first? Why do I feel 10x worse? Why is it that the older I get, the harder it gets? When will it get better? When will it be my turn to be happy? Why do I feel like I have to push my limits and work extremely hard for things that seem to fall in place for many? Why when I set my mind toward those things that I get kicked back to square one, door slammed in my face, being continuously kicked when I'm already down, when I'm already DOWN BAD IN ROCK BOTTOM'S BASEMENT (ummmm pretty sure I found a new playlist name)

Anyways I might as well share my playlist of all the songs I spiral to, yikes to this whole post

Love how everything I share to the internet is like an overshare, concerning joke and a lowkey cry for help, except I've been doing it for yeaaarrrs and still don't have the answers

[sarcasticdragon1682]

I know nobody's gonna see or care about this, but it seems to me like feedism is one of those things that I'm just not allowed to participate in. Most of the female feeders I've encountered so far either live on the other end of America, are taken, or aren't interested in men.

I'm pretty close to resigning myself to my Forever Single fate and giving up on this kink completely.

"You're still young, you'll find someone eventually!" I get that, but it's hard to keep hope when all I feel like I'm doing is slamming my head against a brick wall.

*Sigh* Whatever. Rant over.

[wnatedtodiesince2000]

You know what’s funny, me telling my mother I don’t want to celebrate my birthday (albeit in a rude manner which was not my intention) cause my mom to cry on my birthday. No I’m the wrong one for expressing my feelings because she felt slapped in the face. And now according to her she has nothing good to say about me anymore.

This is what I get for thinking I’m allowed to express how I feel. For thinking that maybe once my opinion matters over the opinion of the family collective.

She won’t even look at me in the face anymore. I srs didn’t think saying I didn’t want a party for my birthday would lead to this.

[melxhunter]

I feel like there are a lot of people out there who needs to hear this:

If you dropped out of school because of diagnosed (or undiagnosed) ADHD, Autism, ADD, OCD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar disorder, psychotic disorders, schizophrenia etc… You did not fail. The education system failed you.

[shipperwithnomister]

I need to buy things for people.

Because some part of me thinks that if I don't give people things then I have no purpose and place in their life.

I am simply a burden but maybe I can pay them to like me. Maybe if I keep them happy with gifts then they won't see how truly useless I am.

They won't grow to hate me if I can provide for them.

No they aren't taking advantage. I want them to take things from me.

If they don't want my things then they must not want me.

They must have realized how useless and burdensome I am. How much better they'd be without me.

Gifts is my love language because it's the only language I know.

[criminal-1111]

The way depression causes a misbelief of unrelatability towards your friends which therefore creates an even larger distance between y’all is mildly devastating because I now believe my friends would never understand me even if they reached out even if they tried. I don’t want you to try you would never get it, go away. Haven’t talked to anyone in days and now I’m at the point where I really do believe it’s too late for them to ever get me. We might as well never talk again like you just wouldn’t get it.

Thoughts like: You can’t help go away. “Our friendship isn’t important enough for you to dedicate resources to me.” Aka “I don’t deserve it”

That turns into: “we aren’t even (good) friends”

>> “all my friends suck” “I bet they would care more if I was their best friend”

Core wound alert⚠️⚠️ petit a=ideal bff

Mid-post reflection: I know these things aren’t necessarily true. Also I haven’t even tried talking to anyone. How does anyone even know how I’m feeling? They don’t

Why don’t I deserve it?

Post mid-post reflection: why should they care? It’s not their job to babysit me and manage my mental health

Next thought: a friendship is a relationship. They are there to support me. To the best of their ability.

Current fear: maybe I’m overreacting to the way my friends treat me (or what they fail to me). They don’t even know the expectations I have for them. Rn idk if the expectations are realistic but they might be understanding if I explained how I felt.

Alert: “they might be understanding”

Now this thought outright contradicts my original thought of “they will never understand me”

I’ve completely come full circle here and I’m gonna stop because this is a good place to stop I think

[depressingrantblog]

10-8-23

Update

So, I’m 20 now. It’s been a long two years of not knowing what I’m doing with my life. Right after highschool I started out working at CVS. I’ve been there for 2 years and I’ve got a good chunk of savings for the car I want to buy as soon as I learn how to drive. That is something I’ve been saying I need to do but I haven’t really worked on much because of anxiety about the idea of driving. At this point, I finally finished reading my drivers ed book I got from the SoS. I did the little 10 question test in the back of the book and got all of the questions correct, all I need to do is get a SoS appointment and take the test to get my TIP. The problem is is that I need someone to take me to that but everyone is busy all the time. I’m sure it doesn’t help having to take me back and forth to work. But it’s starting to get really old. And I just feel too old to not be driving. It’s really embarrassing but even my little brother (16) got his license before me. I’m trying not to be salty about it.

In the past two years I took two different semesters at two colleges and never stayed at either. I didn’t really like EMU and WCC was nice but I wanted to decide what I really wanted to do before I spent a bunch of money on it. I partially decided I wanted to do the construction manager program at WCC because one thing I always saw myself doing since I was a child was designing houses. I thought that would be a good start since I’m not smart enough or disciplined enough to get into architecture school. At least I would know how to build houses. But I’m still not sure. I just want to know how to drive and have a car before I go back at least.

The most positive advancement I’ve made was finding a guy. At some point I got so lonely that I got on hinge trying to look for a partner. I briefly talked to a couple guys. But one guy stood out and I immediately picked him. We have so much in common it’s like we’re the same person. I really like him (I think he likes me??). The problem is is that every time we’ve tried to make plans or meet up, they always fall through. At some point I was using so much of my energy to work on the relationship that I was driving myself crazy. So personally I’m taking a break from trying to advance things and leaving up to him or fate.

Right now our relationship is more like friends with the option to be in a relationship. We still occasionally flirt with each other or talk about sex stuff but at this moment it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. Which I’m not too upset about. I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time since I enjoy talking to him, although I was feeling a bit disappointed a while ago.

I just like him. I really hope he likes me too. It’s really hard online dating vs the real thing. I didn’t intend for it to be thing way but we live 165 miles away from each other and neither of us have a car at the moment. Whenever I would ask him what we are, he would say we shouldn’t define it until we meet, which I completely agree with, it’s just hard now even thinking about meeting since it’s been a whole year. And now we’ve got these romanticized versions of each other and our relationship, it would be hard not to be disappointed.

In the end, all I really want is someone to love me, listen to me, be able to share everything with each other, take care of each other, and have fun together. I just think we’re so similar that we’d be perfect together. I’m just secretly worried that he prefers a different type of girl (like maybe a more unrealistic type). I wouldn’t want him to feel like he’s “settling” for me (and then end up killing me or something).

10-10-23

Lately I feel extremely happy.

I think I’ve discovered which depression I have. It’s Persistent Depressive Disorder. It’s pretty much a lower grade lifelong depression unlike Major Depressive Disorder which is more severe but only lasts for a short amount of time but consistently. PDD is always there; lingering. Even when I’m not feeling depressed I always feel like any small thing can trigger it. One small thing can cause me to overthink, putting me into a depression. Usually, I’d be depressed for about 2 (sometimes 3) weeks out of the month or even every couple of days. This has been going on since I was 12 on and off (8 years) but I remember feeling the same way when I was a kid as well, I’m just not sure if can classify it the same. It’s super exhausting living with PDD, it feels like I can never catch a break and in the worst moments it makes me feel like I’ve never been happy in my entire life; which obviously isn’t true. On really bad days I don’t care about anything. I don’t care about making myself look nice, I don’t care what I eat, as long as I can get energy from it, I don’t care about talking to the people I like or doing the things I like to do. I just wake up and try to endure the day until it’s over with.

I’m pretty sure being depressed for that amount of time straight probably wrecks your body and kills you faster. I’m also pretty sure it’s maternally genetic in my family. That’s why I bought one of those 23&me health tests. It can tell me what percentage I’m likely to get a depressive disorder along with other percentages on my health and genetic diseases. I need to also see my doctor about my depression, I’ve talked to her about it before. Formally I’ve been diagnosed with seasonal depression, which it is true that my depression does get worse during the winter, but the PDD is the major factor.

But I just wanted to report that despite all the depression surges I’ve had recently, I’ve been feeling very happy for the past week. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of me and I can finally breathe. I know it’s temporary but I’m trying to enjoy it. Little things aren’t bothering me and I’m not overthinking. Usually when I am feeling temporarily happy I try to avoid anything that’s gonna me overthink. But right now I’ve even encountered things that would usually trigger overthinking and they don’t bother me. I feel great.

It sounds silly but some of the reasons I am so happy are because I did finish the drivers ed book. I have been stressing myself out about it for the past two years. I was worried that I would read the entire book and miss something extremely important and cause a crash or something. So that’s one weight off my shoulder. Another thing is I was able to get my grandpa to help me put up my new blinds and curtains for my room that I’ve been holding on to since Christmas. I asked my mom to get me them so I could try to make my room look nicer. It’s been stressing me out that they were taking up space in my room. I know it’s completely ridiculous, but I think it’s those two little things being erased from my to-do list that makes me feel so much relief. I’m trying to enjoy this moment so I’m even gonna stress the next things I have to do.

I also wanted to say, I quit self harming 2 years ago (nearly relapsed a few times) and it feels good to have healthier coping mechanisms. I feel more mature. Although I do still need to get treatment for depression, I’m not having any suicidal thoughts, self harm rarely crosses my mind. My coping mechanisms probably could be better. Right now to help me get through a depression, I will listen to music, ignore everything that upsets me, watch tv and movies just trying to keep myself entertained and distracted until it is over. I’ve lived through it so long now that it’s pretty much normal to me. It comes in waves and I almost find a comfort in it. It’s like when you’re sick and you’re trying to relax and let your body heal itself. Even with that, it’s still awful. That’s just the dark, bright-side of it. Hopefully still, I’d like to be able to feel as happy as I do now, all the time.

I just wanted to update this blog with some life updates. Originally, I made it during the pandemic when my depression was at an all-time low. I doubt anyone is ever going to read this, I just wanted to make it for myself. It was actually kind of shocking to see where I was at the last time I posted. So hopefully my next life update will be even better.

[umbramus]

Personal rant

Idk if this matters but I feel so boring and basic compared to everyone else. Stories, world building, characterization, I feel so out of place among my friends.

And I can't say anything cuz I don't want to be selfish by bringing down the mood of the chat by asking if my headcanons really are that bland and overdone... I don't want them to be

Like I said this shit really does not matter but I'm still self conscious about it and I wish it would just stop

[milyanoo]

Th1nsp0