#depression rant

[foxlungz]

We need to talk more about people who believe that antidepressants magically fix everything and that because someone takes them that they are all better now. Sadly it doesn’t work that way and most of the time it just helps the black cloud of depression that envelops your brain a tad smaller and helps you get through stuff a bit easier. Just because someone’s on meds for their mental health doesn’t mean they still don’t struggle. So having the mindset that people with mental health issues need to take antidepressants to “fix” all of their problems is such a harmful mindset to have. Also want to mention that sometimes these meds can actually have the opposite effect and make someone feel so much worse if it isn’t the right one for them. So to treat it in such a way just angers me.

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

So frustrating that I spent most of my 20's alone and not getting laid and now my 30's are almost half over and the situation still has not improved 😩

[queerpossums]

how can you tell if you’re going to have a manic/hypomanic episode? /genq

i’ve had severe depression with psychotic features for nearly a decade, and the psychotic bit has been worse than usual. i’m also diagnosed with bpd and am terrible with emotional regulation.

normally i’ll cycle through dissociating, physically painful depression, anger, and euphoria alarmingly quickly, but recently there hasn’t been any depression in that mix. everything is so loud inside and i have to keep doing something even if it’s rearranging the same corner of my room all night. i haven’t been coping in the healthiest ways, and i don’t want things to get worse.

my head is too full of random shit and there’s so much shit floating around that isn’t there, but it’s also so fuzzy and feels like it’s going to get super bad all at once but it hasn’t yet.

i hope this was vaguely coherent im sorry

[i-am-trans-gwender]

I walk out of the shower and I disappointingly stare at my naked body for a solid 15 minutes. Eventually I snap out of it. I put clothes on and go into my bedroom.

I open the curtains, grab an energy drink and chug it all at once. As I stare out the window the sounds of insects and birds brings me temporary joy until I remember the body I inhabit.

I start sing mumbling the song "Hurt".

[dresupi]

I have fucked up my life beyond repair. I must have, because none of this would be happening if I didn't deserve it.

I've made too many bad decisions. I've let breaks slip through my fingers. I'm never going to be able to dig myself out of this. Everything that can go wrong, does. Because I fucked up my life. There's no way to fix it. I simply cannot handle anything else. I can't force myself to write. I suck right now anyway. I don't know how to market anything I make because I truly and honestly don't think anything I do is any good and people can tell that I don't believe the words when I say them. I can't seem to monetize literally anything that I do anyway. Everything I do is a waste.

My health is fucked and my family and I are trapped in a place that hates us, with no one close by, and no way to escape.

I have another MRI to check my brain next week, and I got a weird pap smear, so I have to go to the ob-gyn to check that out.

I honestly cannot think of anything good that could possibly happen.

And if it did, it would go to shit immediately.

I'm not thinking of anything dark right now, I just... I'm numb to everything.

[jellieboy007]

#1 - 31/10/23

Depression rant,,?

+ Happy Halloween / Feliz dia de las brujas :3

I have felt numb since my first day here. I don't find any activities interesting and I don't find any interactions interesting either. I feel as if I was born in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. Everything and everyone feels wrong to me. It's exhausting. Everything is exhausting really,,.. I wish I could find solace again the way I did back during that summer I felt excited to move schools, but that excitement is gone and I wont find solace ever again. It's like there is a deep black void growing to replace my body, mind, and soul until I'm just practically nothing but a ghost of who I was before when I felt happy. But I've never really felt happy, and no one really knows me, so is it really truly a ghost of who I am or just a ghost of what people thought of me? I'm not sure.. Rambling feels weird here. I know no one is listening but I guess it feels nice to let it out anyway. Here is some music by the way,.. Omori is very cool :33c

[queerbookworm]

i really fucking hate how the media has romantized depression, and all mental illness so much. like it makes people think being depressed is the cool, trendy thing to do. it doesnt show how some days you cant get out of bed and how you cant always even take care of yourself or basic hygiene or how it literally affects everything you do on a day-to-day basis. i wish that the media would stop showing depression as just being sad and show it for what it really is, cause its absolute hell and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

thank you for listening to my rant

[beautifuldarkmind]

I knew nothing in life excites me anymore when it began snowing and I just closed my curtains and went to bed. 

[stardustandash]

listen its stupid its so stupid but the fact that my preorder of jedi survivor hasn’t arrived has sent me into such a depression spiral. It was the game i told myself when i preordered it was a promise to have something to look forward to not not kms, but now that its not here and looks like its not actually going to come its just taking all i got to be here rn.  it’s been a rough year. Like I said its so stupid. 

[ashtraysystem]

i wish i could just do things in our house.

everyone complains about this that and the other, but when i come up with solutions its immediately dismissed as "too difficult" "too much effort" "not worth it"

im sitting here, volunteering to put in the effort to change, and all of them are staying stagnant and not letting me even do anything on my own.

i have a whole plan on how to fix some of our problems, but i cant do them because "thats too much" "[mom is] too busy"

if i could go through and get rid of some of the old toys in the guest room, most of which are donation viable, and turn the guest room back into mom's hub of operations for work then i could move the stuff from the front room into the guest room bc most of its hers or trash or donate, and then i could move dad computer and pinball machine into the front room and get back that entire section of the office back for myself and others to do homework and projects comfortably with dad.

it would fix my problem of needing an upstairs space that i can hang out with other people in while not wanting to stab someone bc of the tv being too loud, it would fix dad's problem of a messy office bc the bighest problems would be moved, it would fix mom's need for her own space that got taken over by the kids where she hasn't enforced that it's her space to begin with so of course the kids are gonna take advantage of spaces to play in since that's all they've been given.

no, it doesn't fix my sibling's need for a larger room, but honestly? tough shit! they are the one who chose to get pets and honestly dont clean up after them well enough. theres also lots of ways to give them more space but whenever i voice my ideas its "thats so much effort tho" "that takes too long" "that doesnt fix my problem immediately in a way that makes everything stay exactly the same bc i'm resistant to change so i dont want to do that!"

im just. so tired. i just want a place i can comfortably be. i want a place i can comfortably exist. i want to be around people i love but. i cant stay here with them. stagnant, unwilling to change, unwilling to break the cycle of depression looming over all of us.

we are all hella depressed, and its not just because we all have a genetic predisposition. it doesnt help sure, but everyone here is so resitant to change that they all stew in their own thoughts letting them burn on the bottom of the pot instead of stirring things up once in a while.

even if it cant make everyone happy, isnt a some change that makes some people happy still worth it? why make the whole class suffer?

[blue-spruce-bruce]

At this point I feel so depressed I don't even know how to talk about it. It's been there my entire life, but today it feels so terrifying I want to ask for help. I have a support system and people who want to help but I don't even know what to ask of them. Then the embarrassment.

It's a whole cycle that's taking place between my ears and all that's left is a loud ringing. I don't know what to do

[bingeblogging]

The amount of loss I've already experienced this year lol including the first official serious bf who I took too long to figure out I'm in love with

He didn't pass away, it's just a case of me being too careful but simultaneously self sabatoging it to the point of no return

But also that loss includes my will to live

Honestly tho I'm proud for simply doing the bare minimum and still waking up and going to work and being so nice and happy to my colleagues and keeping myself busy at work, but damn, I completely dissolve into a defeated sad individual when I walk into a sink full of month old dishes in the sink in my cluttered and roach infested apartment I share with my mentally ill and messy mom who barely leaves her room, let alone cleans anything... but hey at least I have my own room and 2 cutie cats laying in bed with me though right?

Yeah I could be living with a man who adored me to pieces and would willingly apply lotion to me after I showered and overall called and treated me like a queen. I'd be loved, I'd have (kinda) my own space, I'd finally escape this shit hole. The same that I've been dealing with for my entire 25 years of life.

So here I am, ghosting the 2 "friends" I had left. Ones that are only there if I need them. The ones I can barely call friends because they're so distant. I'd rather severe all ties and be alone than to be the one that always initiates, the one who always gets cancelled on, the one who is never the first choice. Hell, I'm not even a part of the multiple choice question. Not even a "write in" option.

Why do I end up sad, depressed, alone, stuck, when I finally decide to put myself first? Why do I feel 10x worse? Why is it that the older I get, the harder it gets? When will it get better? When will it be my turn to be happy? Why do I feel like I have to push my limits and work extremely hard for things that seem to fall in place for many? Why when I set my mind toward those things that I get kicked back to square one, door slammed in my face, being continuously kicked when I'm already down, when I'm already DOWN BAD IN ROCK BOTTOM'S BASEMENT (ummmm pretty sure I found a new playlist name)

Anyways I might as well share my playlist of all the songs I spiral to, yikes to this whole post

Love how everything I share to the internet is like an overshare, concerning joke and a lowkey cry for help, except I've been doing it for yeaaarrrs and still don't have the answers

[sarcasticdragon1682]

I know nobody's gonna see or care about this, but it seems to me like feedism is one of those things that I'm just not allowed to participate in. Most of the female feeders I've encountered so far either live on the other end of America, are taken, or aren't interested in men.

I'm pretty close to resigning myself to my Forever Single fate and giving up on this kink completely.

"You're still young, you'll find someone eventually!" I get that, but it's hard to keep hope when all I feel like I'm doing is slamming my head against a brick wall.

*Sigh* Whatever. Rant over.

[melxhunter]

I feel like there are a lot of people out there who needs to hear this:

If you dropped out of school because of diagnosed (or undiagnosed) ADHD, Autism, ADD, OCD, Dyslexia, Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar disorder, psychotic disorders, schizophrenia etc… You did not fail. The education system failed you.

[shipperwithnomister]

I need to buy things for people.

Because some part of me thinks that if I don't give people things then I have no purpose and place in their life.

I am simply a burden but maybe I can pay them to like me. Maybe if I keep them happy with gifts then they won't see how truly useless I am.

They won't grow to hate me if I can provide for them.

No they aren't taking advantage. I want them to take things from me.

If they don't want my things then they must not want me.

They must have realized how useless and burdensome I am. How much better they'd be without me.

Gifts is my love language because it's the only language I know.

[criminal-1111]

The way depression causes a misbelief of unrelatability towards your friends which therefore creates an even larger distance between y’all is mildly devastating because I now believe my friends would never understand me even if they reached out even if they tried. I don’t want you to try you would never get it, go away. Haven’t talked to anyone in days and now I’m at the point where I really do believe it’s too late for them to ever get me. We might as well never talk again like you just wouldn’t get it.

Thoughts like: You can’t help go away. “Our friendship isn’t important enough for you to dedicate resources to me.” Aka ���I don’t deserve it”

That turns into: “we aren’t even (good) friends”

>> “all my friends suck” “I bet they would care more if I was their best friend”

Core wound alert⚠️⚠️ petit a=ideal bff

Mid-post reflection: I know these things aren’t necessarily true. Also I haven’t even tried talking to anyone. How does anyone even know how I’m feeling? They don’t

Why don’t I deserve it?

Post mid-post reflection: why should they care? It’s not their job to babysit me and manage my mental health

Next thought: a friendship is a relationship. They are there to support me. To the best of their ability.

Current fear: maybe I’m overreacting to the way my friends treat me (or what they fail to me). They don’t even know the expectations I have for them. Rn idk if the expectations are realistic but they might be understanding if I explained how I felt.

Alert: “they might be understanding”

Now this thought outright contradicts my original thought of “they will never understand me”

I’ve completely come full circle here and I’m gonna stop because this is a good place to stop I think