#definitely should be doing this with a therapist but
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The Virtues of Stanford Pines
Summary: I've seen people accuse Ford of doing horrible things on one side, and people defending his actions on the other side. But how about we turn the tables and talk about all of the good Ford has done. (At least, that was the plan.)
Word Count: 2813.
Spoilers: Gravity Falls series, Journal 3, The Book of Bill, Lost Legends, thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com
1. He's incredibly hard-working:
Just because someone is smart doesn't mean they don't put a lot of effort into studying and Ford definitely did. It's mentioned twice just in "A Tale of Two Stans," when he tries to convince the college board to give him another chance and when he describes his years at Backupsmore.
And it doesn't stop at intellectual pursuits. In Journal 3 Ford says he exercises daily, despite having always hated physical activity.
Anyway, I don't think anyone is going to argue this point, so let's leave it at that.
2. He's supportive of his friend:
There are going to be a few controversial takes, but I truly believe that Ford was trying to be a good friend to Fiddleford. Now, there were fights between them, and Ford did say quite a few insensitive things both to his face and in the Journal. But overall, I don't think he ever intended to hurt Fiddleford, and he definitely appreciated his friend's company.
When Ford invited Fiddleford to work on the portal, he wrote in the journal: "He (Fiddleford) has sacrificed so much to come to my aid. He has temporarily left his bride and their young son... he has abandoned his own professional aspirations... I must do my best to make him feel at home.... I am off to the store for some banjo strings and microchips!" (quote shortened, because I'm lazy) Clearly, Ford cared about his friend and wanted to make him feel welcome.
He also compliments Fiddleford's "brilliant mind," "amusing quirks" and scrupulous work ethic, by saying "I double-check my equations. He quintuple-checks!"
And I hear you, didn't he claim the complete opposite in the series? According to him, Fiddleford "was wasting his talent trying to make personal computers", right? Well, if we ignore the fact that the creators weren't 100% consistent in their writing, here's how I would reconcile those two statements. Ford thought (erroneously) that his friend's research wasn't important in the grand scheme of things, but it was important to Fiddleford personally. And can you really blame Ford? He was about to demostrate the existence of other dimensions and create a gateway that would allow us to visit them. If something like that happened irl, it would've been a groundbreaking discovery, altering our very understanding of the natural world and how it works. Meanwhile, laptops, at least in Ford's opinion, were just "heavy, slow journals." Still, he knew this work was important to Fiddleford, and he wanted to accommodate that. Hence, his trip to buy microchips (and banjo strings.)
Ford tried (and unfortunately, failed) to help Fiddleford deal with his anxiety. In Journal 3, he mentions teaching Fiddleford some meditation techniques and going to the Carnival, so that Fiddleford would enjoy "a day of relaxation." In the Book of Bill, Ford feels guilty about not getting his friend a gift and decides to throw a surprise Christmas party instead. This was also an attempt to cheer Fiddleford up after his fight with his wife.
"But Ford didn't take Fiddleford's anxiety seriously, and it ruined his life." Okay, let's say you're right. Remember, Ford was raised in the 60s. A time when mental illness or just mental distress were looked down on. What was he supposed to do? Suggest Fiddleford goes to the therapist? I mean, they were studying paranormal creatures, if Fiddleford told those stories to a therapist who didn't believe in these things, there would've been a really high chance of misdiagnosis. Should Ford have simply fired Fiddleford? Well, that wouldn't have been very nice. Also, there is no need to infantilize Fiddleford in the first place, he's a grown-up person capable of makind his own decisions. If the job is too stressful, if the relationship doesn't work out, he has every right to leave, because his life and mental well-being are his responsibility. Instead, he ignored Ford's warnings and decided to use the Memory Gun and start a cult. It was, by the end of the day, Fiddleford's decision. And it's tragic. It really is. No one deserves to lose their family, their mind and their sense of self. It's something Ford feels guilty about, because whether it was intentional or not, he did indirectly contribute to Fiddleford's downfall. That's why, when they finally reunited after 30 years, Ford apologized to Fiddleford. And according to Journal 3, Fiddleford dissmised his apology, leading Ford to say that "Not only is this man's mind superior to mine, but he has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen."
3. He has no reservations about helping others out:
There's a reason why Ford's the first person people turn to, when there's a problem. He has both the desire and the skills to help people out. Using Dipper's idea, he stops agents from investigating his family. He goes above and beyond just to change a lightbulb in the kitchen. Though morally questionable, he did give the kids a mind control tie with the intent of helping Stan win the elections. In the comics, Stan turns to Ford when Mabel's face is stolen and when Stan himself is cursed by an old chest.
And that's how things were in the past too. In "The Pines Boys in: The Jersey Devil's in the Details", Ford defends his brother, twice. First, when Filbrick accuses Stan of stealing the gold chain from his pawn shop. And then, when the Sibling Brothers offered Ford to let him keep the monster and become famous in exchange for photos that would prove Stan's guilt. And just to add an incentive, they threatened to frame both twins, if Ford didn't comply. Obviously, it didn't work.
According to thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com, that's also how he became friends with Fiddleford: on the very first day, he spent nine hours helping his new friend prove his theory. And in the Book of Bill, when Ford learns that Bill's home dimension was destroyed by a monster, his immediate reaction is to offer help with hunting it down.
Whenever someone's in distress, Ford really wants to help them out, and I don't know about you, but to me that doesn't sound like someone lacking empathy.
4. He's got no qualms questioning the status quo:
In Journal 3, Ford mentions traveling to Northwest Manor to confront Old Man Northwest with evidence of his family's deceit. Instead, he was met by young Preston, who wasn't impressed with his speech and forcibly escorted Ford from the premises.
Also in Journal 3, Ford wanted to debate politics with Reagan. Make of that what you will.
Now this one is more of a conjecture, but in the Book of Bill, this is how Bill compliments him: "Guys as smart as you come along once every century, and they scare the pants off of authority figures!" This lie wouldn't have worked, if it wasn't what Ford actually wanted.
And of course, learning that his former "muse" is one of the most feared beings in the entire multiverse, didn't stop Ford from going on a quest to defeat Bill. Even after witnessing other creatures shriek and cover their ears at the mere mention of Bill's name. Which leads me to my next point.
5. Calling him determined would be a massive understatement:
Forget his sleepless nights at college, forget his extensive research in Gravity Falls, Ford has spent 30 years, let me repeat that again, 30 years traveling across dimensions and looking for a way to destroy Bill Cipher. I haven't even been alive for that long! From the little we know about those years, they were anything but easy. In fact, Ford describes them as "frightening, exciting, cruel, and strange." (And of course, the guy actually does use the Oxford comma in his writing. Who would've thought?) Let me stress that Ford was under no obligation to continue his quest, maybe he could've found a quiet dimension to settle down and live peacefully, in fact, that's something he contemplates while visiting A Better World in Journal 3. But he decides against it. Not because he didn't want to, he literally says that he wanted to revel in his parallel self's success. Not because defeating Bill would get him recognition. It wouldn't, at least not in his home dimension, where no one is even aware of the danger. No, he didn't stay, because his own conscience wouldn't allow it. Ford just couldn't break his vow from 30 years ago, it's as simple as that.
And what does he do, when his plans fall apart? Does he even consider giving up? Of course not! In fact, he ends his tale of interdimensional travel with the following sentence: "My resolve to defeat Bill has never been stronger." It's almost comical, watching him throw anything he can think of at Bill and see what might stick. His battle in the Nightmare Realm was interrupted? He jumps through the portal to stop Bill's forces from entering his dimension. The portal created an interdimensional rift? He tries to contain it. Bill threatens to get his hands on the rift? This time Ford has two ideas: he tries to encrypt Dipper's thoughts and creates a mystical barrier around the house. The worst happens and the world is about to end? Well, get in loser, we're going to shoot Bill with Quantum Destabilizer. Ford misses and is captured? Not to worry, there's a Zodiac prophecy, we can give that a try. It doesn't work, because two grown men can't put aside their grievances for just a few seconds, gosh that scene is so frustrating to watch. Well, here is another idea: one can erase Bill with a memory gun as long as he's in someone's mind. I don't know what else to say, Ford really did his homework, when he set out to destroy Bill.
6. He has the patience of a saint:
Wow, now here's a controversial take. Remember Stan's "Beep boop. I am a nerd robot. That's you. That's what you sound like," which Ford just laughs off. Yes, that's what siblings do all the time. And yes, this teasing does come from a place of hurt. Stan was feeling like "the stupid twin," "a dumb idiot who screws everything up," so Ford felt like he just had to put up with this. But it's still hurtful to be mocked for your interests. It really feels like their relationship was already a little strained even before the Science Fair Project Incident.
What about the fact that he was the first to stop the fight in "Dungeons, Dungeons, and more Dungeons" and suggesting Stan might actually have fun, if he joined their game?
Or all the snide comments Stan made, when they reunited during Weirdmageddon, including "Well, he's lost his mind" and "You really think some caveman graffiti is gonna stop that monster?" All of which Ford simply ignored. Yes, he did correct Stan's grammar under the worst of circumstances, I agree, but you know, everyone has their pet peeves.
What people often forget is just how difficult it is to be a kind person, when you're stressed. It is much easier to treat people with respect and understanding, when you yourself are doing fine. So is it that big of a surprise, that someone who's under pressure, sleep-deprived and/or in pain might be more prone to outbursts? And we know how traumatic Ford's experience of being bullied as a kid was, how much suffering Bill put him through, how difficult his years on the other side of the portal were and how much pressure he was under, trying to prevent a literal end of the world. It's ironic that the people who blame Ford for his lack of empathy, really don't show him any empathy themselves.
7. Even under torture, he didn't reveal the equation that would've allowed Bill to take over the world:
Do I really have to spell it out? Look, as someone who was on the verge of mental breakdown from a simple toothache, I have nothing else to say other than: This is admirable. And he did it to protect the world that, need I remind you, wasn't particularly kind to him. On the same note, he just never joined Bill in the first place: not in the 80s, and not during Weirdmageddon.
"Oh, but he's the one who started the Apocalypse, so he kind of deserved it." Seriously? No, I mean it, are you being serious? Is that something you would say to a person suffering from diabetes type 2, that it's their fault for eating too many sweets; or to someone with liver cirrhosis that they deserve to suffer because of their alcohol addiction? Because this is neither appropriate, nor helpful. Talk about kicking someone when they're down...
8. He's fiercely loyal to his family:
I think the way Ford compliments his grandniece in "The Last Mabelcorn" is very revealing: "You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel." His very definition of a "good person" is "someone who supports and protects their family." Which is... interesting to say the least, considering that Ford has spent a very long time away from his family and completely alone. But it does sound like something he aspires to. That's why he goes out of his way to help his family out, whenever they're in trouble. (See point 3 for more on this.)
When Bill threatens the kids, Ford is willing to risk the entire universe for a slim chance that they might be spared. It's a cruel Trolley Problem, which once again proves just how much he values his family. Still, this is some Fate/Zero level angst and I don't want to talk about it more than I absolutely have to. Let's finish this up with something more lighthearted.
9. He's never lost curiosity and childlike wonder:
This! This is what made me fall in love with the man and why I'm wasting my time writing this nonsense in the first place. This allconsuming excitement, when he finds a new anomaly to study; this seemingly endless energy, when he explores new places; this pure joy, when he gets to play DD&MD with Dipper! I don't know how to talk about it without gushing.
Ford obviously loves games, and not just DD&MD. He plays chess with Bill. He mentions being great at charades in the comics. And what cracks me up the most: during Weirdmageddon, when Pacifica compared the Zodiac to a game of hopscotch, not only did not Ford get offended, but he replied: "It would be a pretty fun game of hopscotch." Ford, darling, the world is about to end, is this really the best time to contemplate a hypothetical game of hopscotch? Also, you've just been through something traumatic... Forget it, you've been through 3 decades of traumatic experiences, can you at least have the decency to become a tad more cynical as you age, like the rest of us. I guess, mirth really is the mail of anguish. (It's from Emily Dickinson's poem and the quote means that some people act cheerful to hide their suffering.)
Also, something Ford doesn't get enough credit for, mostly because people usually focus on his academic achievements, but he is quite creative. He draws incredibly detailed sketches not only depicting various anomalies he encounters, but also whatever happens in his life. (Probably off-topic, but I find the implications of that karaoke page so funny. Think about it: the guy sobered up, looked at the incomprehensible nonsense he had written the previous night and thought: "You know what? This could really use an illustration.") Also don't forget that he canonically plays piano. Yeah, if I were Stan, I'd be jealous too.
And of course, that's why he's so passionate about science. Sure, part of him wants the fame and recognition that would come, if he makes a big discovery, but you can't deny that he genuinely enjoys learning new things. And that he enjoys sharing them with whoever is willing to listen.
In conclusion, I'm not trying to say that Ford is perfect in every way and has never done a single wrong thing in his life. To be honest, that would've made him a really boring character. So, yes, he is flawed, and misguided, and sometimes insensitive. He's made a lot of missteps because of his upbringing, personality and, as many have speculated, neurodivergence. But I really take issue with people saying Ford's a bad person, when he clearly isn't. Ford is and always was a good person, and by the end of all the trials he became a better person. One who understands that the only way to success is cooperation, not being a lone vigilante. That it's not a weakness to ask for help or to need help in the first place. And that a sea otter shared is a sea otter halved.
That's strange... why did I write that?
#and they told me i couldn't write useless fluff pieces#honestly jokes on you ford haters#no one can hate ford more than he already hates himself#and that is somewhat comforting#not beta read#but my mom read a google translation of it#yeah i don't know what i was thinking#i kind of hoped she would give up after 2 paragraphs#this is my one thousandth post on this subblog#gravity falls#stanford pines#character analysis#i guess
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*longest sigh ever*
#vent#honestly im just using this as an excuse to ramble in the tags#i've been feeling very under the weather lately#although under the weather feels like an understatement#lower than that i guess down to the pits of hell in a depressing way kind#facing inner turmoil and unresolved inner tensions is... the number one thing i have been running away from#and now i must face it#LOL#or at least i have to face it so there is less of that floating discomfort whenever i am more left alone#definitely should be doing this with a therapist but#i have never done that. there is so much to unpack#i am also not sure if i have a self discipline problem or a general lack of will to live#which AGAIN maybe someone else can give me the answers for that#but in the meantime#i will proceed to have many more bad days i guess#such is life#the days have been a bigger challenge to wake up to recently#and i sincerely hope it gets a little lighter. it's getting a little too heavy for what i can handle#if you've read this far#i hope you have a nice day or evening#and find something that makes you smile today!!!#those are very hard to come by for myself#but isn't it always lovely when even the smallest of things can perk you up even for a moment#on the other hand i will also try to start talking to myself in a less hateful manner :')#that is all#sending love!#lia madaldal
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some quick ghost!Roach, don't look at the anatomy too much I'm fighting art block
#cod mw2#simon ghost riley#john soap mactavish#gary roach sanderson#ghostsoap#soapghost#soaproach#ghostroach#ghostsoaproach#accidental necromancer soap and ghost roach au#ghost is barely fazed at this point like ok johnny should definitely see a therapist but honestly? that just makes him hotter#and soap is like 'everyone thinks i'm insane 😭'#and roach is like 'i hate to break it to you but i don't think sane people see ghosts'#soap : 'wait do you think i could have just imagined all that - imagined you?'#roach : 'how tho you never knew me alive'#soap : 'i'll have you know i have an awesome imagination and btw that's exactly what someone i've imagined would say'
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#and what do we think about that#i should probably see a therapist#not probably#I should definitely see a therapist#but i keep going#wilmon#young royals#wilhelm x simon#young royals season 3#prince wilhelm#prince willhelm#simon eriksson#edvin ryding#omar and edvin#prince will
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I think I'm gonna tell my therapist how I feel. Not in a "let's go out" way but in a laying it bare way.
#I have simply noooot been doing well 😭#And I need a therapist I can be honest with#So I think I really just need to tell her#Idk how I'm gonna word it#But I see her tomorrow morning. Little less than twelve hours#I will DEFINITELY be reporting back here 💀#Cause I know I've dragged y'all through this saga with me#Y'all deserve to know what she's gonna say to me#God bless 💀#No fr#I'm scared but I'm also in a spot where I simply need someone I can be open with cause your girl is struggling BAD#All that to say y'all should stay tuned
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I wish i could do the writing thing but apparently taking one (1) summer class is going to kill me and if i do absolutely anything else I die
#my mental health is beating me to death rn#surely something could fix me but i dont know what it is yet#taking suggestions#i rlly feel like watching leverage is all i got going for me#i also have been stugglingggg so hardcore to afford being alive lately#this is definitely tmi but i need a lil vent#yea idk what to do to fix it#they should let me talk to my therapist for 5 hours instead of 1 i think
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just in case anyone thought i was exaggerating about how stupid my coworkers think i am today one of them told me i could write "turbid which is like the scientific word for cloudy" on a urinalysis sticker. i have a college degree in a science
#god and the worst part is i think theyre partially correct#like i'm not As dumb as they think i am but i am definitely stupider than i used to be and it is driving me completely insane#i genuinely don't know if its the depression or chronic weed use or like i'm just suddenly brain damaged in the last 6 months or so#but it's really really bad. i think it has gotten a little better since starting my current antidepressant but my short term memory is like#unbelievably bad. it was never good but i literally cannot remember anything now. i have to stop thinking about this or i will start crying#my intelligence has always been like one of the things i have a weird complex about due to not getting an education until high school#and being barely socialized etc and it was more or less all i had going for me#and now it's like. ok i got nothing lmao#i don't even think it's covid brain damage because i felt this way before i got covid#although it definitely got worse after getting the job but i think thats a combination of not knowing what i'm doing + being treated like#garbage + sleep deprivation#my therapist who i haven't seen in months because he was stressing me out thought i was smart as hell for some reason. which was flattering#but like i said he was stressing me out. he had too good of a read on me and i can't get over my trust issues with men#“you should go to therapy about that” you might say and you would be right but. well#me
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today at school one of my friends was like "beth i think you might be autistic"
and luckily i was wearing sunglasses that literally covered my whole face because i definitely went bright red. and i was like ....uuuuhhhh jus a lil bit maybe LOL.
ANYWAY -_-
#for anyone wondering#no im not diagnosed#but i have been planning to tell my therapist that i want to get tested#she thinks i should#and yeah im not sure if i have it#i definitely dont think im nuerotypical#but i also feel like i dont quite meet the criteria for autism or adhd#so i just kind of wonder about it a lot tryna figure it out#but really i should just get a professional to do that for me#and i think now im ready#and yeah i think the general consensus is that autism diagnosis would be the most likely outcome of getting screened#head in the clouds
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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.
#the absolutely gaslighting and manipulation my ‘friend’ tossed at me …#like honestly i’m kinda baffled#like i always kinda knew she had a bit of a manipulative streak but i gave her the benefit of the doubt#she’s got a lot of trauma and emotional baggage that she hasn’t even nearly touched#and she’s definitely emotionally unhealed and immature#but damn this was a crazy ass response from her#like your mask FULLY dropped baby girl#i should have listened to my therapist when she called you a narcissist and told me to drop you 😭😭#doing it now though#like you really can’t fuck up that badly and remain my friend
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:/
#im gonna be a butthead for a moment#it’s really dumb but it’s making wanna cry :////#i understand wanting to get cc you use updated for the new patch i get very understandable#but if your going to do so for yourself and want to upload it yknow maybe ask#like im going to update my stuff i just need al little time it’ll happen i promise#just ask please i don’t know if its the autism but i need to do the things it ask to be just so ok my cc is incredible important to me-#bc its like the one thing i can really do well and have the need to do it myself#any this is definitely not deep and i probably shouldn’t get upset about something so trivial#but i needed to get it out or it will eat me i’ll delete this later#hugs and kisses :-]#i am regretting this but i feel like it should stay up to think before i post something dumb#my therapist literally told me to think before i speak not 2 days ago 🫠
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seeing my therapist for the first time since before christmas in a couple of days 🫥
#sh mention tw#i am here in bed just thinking of how i can break it to her that i had a terrible few weeks and i did some /bad/ things to myself because as#much as i know it takes time to talk about certain things i know that i am getting worse very fast and im scared of and for myself and i e#feel like i really should talk about the sh but man. is it difficult#i feel so ashamed of myself for it. i tried to talk about it many times already and every time i do my throat closes and i start tearing up#and i just cant get the words out#i feel like a coward for not being able to do it. its just so humiliating. i always think of the act and how insane and innatural it is and#i dont want my therapist to picture it#but im getting worse and that is definitely my main problem and has been for a while so i guess its also no use to keep avoiding the subject#im literally trying to convince myself here hah#jesus…… how fucked up is this
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i literally cant believe yoko sent john to a conversion therapist
#I CANT ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS#i feel so bad for this guy#he was a horrible asshole#but i really do feel bad#he was soooo manipulated#i cant believe yoko has control of the lennon estate god what a shitty injustice tbh#and another jackass therapist said that he should bill#lennon twice 'one for each personality'#wtf kind if therapist says this#dude suffered from bpd imo and it was undiagnoses and he suffered his whole#life#then yoko SENDS HIM TO A CONVERSION THERAPIST who emphasizes 'homosexuals are wracked w pain' therefore theres smth wrong w them#BRO#im so mad#AHHHHH#wtf#yeah no shit the community suffers bc ppl are assholes#poor bi john (or whatever he really was yoko cant be trusted to report his identity and he prob wouldve refined his definition had he lived#into the modern age)#im just so mad for dead gay ppl ok#i rlly am
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old people really were raised on the idea that their descendants were just future caretakers for them and never fucking learned to think otherwise
#sorry grandma thinks i'm her therapist again#grandma takes everything i do for her for granted again#grandma overthinks literally every fucking aspect of her life and confuses the fanfic she made up about her relatives for reality again#like she's dead convinced nobody loves her and nobody does anything for her and nobody visits her and yadda yadda yadda#girl i can't be at your house every fucking day. i don't have a car. my mom's got a fucking job.#literally she never voices her god damn needs. she never says ''hey i need help with this'' or ''i'm not well could you do that for me''#we're just supposed to fucking use our telepathic powers we definitely have to Guess what she wants from us#and then when we don't succeed at that Easy Task it's our fault and she's so alone and nobody cares wah wah boohoo#and if you so much as breathe in a way that might maybe possibly indicate that you're a little bit in disagreement with her#or that you could potentially have some form of criticism or advice about her behavior she doubles the fuck down#you tell her ''calm down'' she hears ''SHUT UP NOBODY CARES YOU SHOULD JUST DIE''. those are definitely the same statement.#she fucking begged me to ask my therapist to start seeing her too. fucking 6-7 months later she's like#nooo i don't want to go anymore what's the poiiiiint#GIRL IVE BEEN GOING FOR 6 GOD DAMN YEARS.#IT TOOK ME 5 OF THOSE YEARS TO EVEN JUST -START- GETTING BETTER AND I WAS LESS DEPRESSED THAN YOU#IT'S NOT GONNA MAGIC AWAY IN 7 MONTHS !!!!#I'LL DRAG YOU THERE KICKING AND SCREAMING IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES BUT YOU'RE FUCKING GOING#*through gritted teeth* i love and care about you and want you to be well Stop getting in the way of me doing that
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#cool! just got hit with a wave of sadness about my lack of experience in... everything!#like I know it shouldn't define me & there's no real timeline to do things#but when you're in your mid-20s watching everyone do things (even people younger than you)#really puts you in a place that's just... not fun#it shouldn't be embarrassing that i haven't really dated or kissed anyone yet here we fucking are!#'just put yourself out there!!' hi yeah easier said than done!!#i get so fucking insecure about myself when it comes to dating#the world is not kind to tall fat women#people love to say they love women like that but it feels like both of those things just get cancelled out for me#i have never felt desired the way i want to be in my entire life#i just become so hyperaware of all the tiny little things that i feel like someone would negatively point out#and it's just... fucks me up not gonna lie#i honestly think i might be pms-ing which is making this 1000000 times worse but like whatever#should i have just saved this for me therapist instead of tumblr? definitely#i'm just... going to cry a little bit more & then take a shower before watching the newest mando episode#sierra speaks#tbd#sierra being dramatic yet again
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