#but i have been planning to tell my therapist that i want to get tested

[imactuallyagiraffe]

today at school one of my friends was like "beth i think you might be autistic"

and luckily i was wearing sunglasses that literally covered my whole face because i definitely went bright red. and i was like ....uuuuhhhh jus a lil bit maybe LOL.

ANYWAY -_-

[jinxthequeergirl]

omg yay!! so glad i can request you some billy cuz i love him sooo much… yeah, and also: if you don't want to write this it’s okay, but then please reply to this post somehow because damn otherwise i end up waiting like a hachiko😔

how about bill and reader had a deal but eventually their interactions developed into some kind of relationship (?). i don't know, in short bill became very attached to the reader but something happened and they had a fight which cancelled the deal.

time passed and bill still couldn't forget reader. and now, already being in a mental hospital, bill is sitting in general therapy in a circle with everyone else, with an empty look at the floor "i don't want to be here, they made me" in his eyes, and then suddenly one of the therapists says: "so, i want to introduce you to a new patient: y/n!"

bill, hearing this name, is shocked because how did this even happen, and the reader just smiled

ps english is not my first language i'm writing this by translation sorry for mistakes, i love you💘

The Multi-Dimensional break up

Bill chiper x Interdemensinal being!reader

Here, take this while i work on Part 8!

Picture bill however you want to in this I left him vague for a reason (I personally go for the unconventional twink cipher)

Warning: none, it's short

~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~

Sure, Ford was interesting enough, but YOU were far more interesting. He remembered helping Ford with the portal, watching him fo test runs only to pull you out.

Ford was instantly fascinated with you, running tests interagating you, you happily answered, glad to talk to someone new, and you gladly accepted when offered to help with the portal reaserch.

That's when he'd introduce you to Bill, his other interdimensinal friend helping him. You two bonded quickly, and you shared how similar your dimensions were as well as how vastly different they were.

What he liked most of all about you was how he could talk to you about things others usually didn't get, not his parents in his home dimension, not ford...no one.

"You were only a child... That must've been hard." You admit to him after he opened up to you on a whim about his past, about seeing past his dimensions, about what he did...who he lost.

"It...it's was! But look at me now! Look at all the power I have because of it!" You gave him a sideways look.

"But are you happy?..." He stared at you.

No one's ever asked him that before.

"I understand what you did...I was given a similar chance to yours...but before I made my choice I stopped to think about everyone I held dear to me, I thought about everyone else and who they held dear to themselves...and most of all I thought about myself...would this really make me happy in the long run? If I lost everything, would I care if it was replaced with what I'm being offered?"

Bill stared at you once again. A strange sinking feeling he'd only ever felt once before in his life. "What did you do?"

"Well...to put it simply my home dimension is thriving! They all lived and still lived happily...in the end, I knew if I was willing to do something like that, I could risk it all just like that, then I was the one who needed to leave."

You weren't exactly the type of being he surrounded himself with. You were....well adjusted, to say the least. He kept you around.

He grew attached to you, basically at the hip. He liked that for some reason in a sea of crazy, horrific, and terrifying things you were very calm and collected. Though you did end up sharing his affinity for all those things, giving him a good evil idea in the most calm manner he'd ever seen.

But like before in his home dimension, he began to crave more. Working with you and Ford to get the portal up and running only made him desire it tenfold. He had a vision and with you in it.

So, who better to ask for help bleed into Fords reality and take over then you. Though he didn't tell you the whole plan or truth as to what the plan held in store for everyone.

"Would it make you happy?" He felt his eye twitch. Not a question he thought you'd ask.

"If it does?" You finally looked up at him from what you were fiddling with. "If you came to me right now asking me to do this and you were a million percent positive, it would make you happy... I would say ok."

"Really? Why?"

"You should have some happiness to if I could help achieve that I would love nothing more."

"Then it's a deal."

You shook his hand.

He beamed at you, worried a moment that you would give him a long speech about doing the right thing. True that you enjoyed the bits of chaos he would sprinkle about and even partake in them. But you also had a bit of a moral Compass. It never seemed to stop you from having fun with him, and to him it didn't seem like it stopped him from his fun when you thought other wise.

But it did. You not partaking with him felt wrong. You'd become his right hand in everything. Usually, if you rode a high horse, suddenly he was too.

However, you were hell-bent on helping him with this, that was until you realized what he was doing and trying to do to Ford.

You stopped helping him immediately.

"You lied to me! You didn't tell me this was your plan! Another dimension you can treat, like your home dimension?" Bill was taken aback for a moment. And hurt that you would compare what he was doing now to what he did in the past.

"Are you seriously going to do this? To Ford!?"

"Hey! We had a deal remember!"

"You purposely left information out you tricked me!"

Bill realized he'd never seen you angry in the years he'd gotten to know you. Seeing you now almost made him hesitate, almost.

"The deal is off! And I'm going to tell Ford about your plan."

"Not so fast!" You froze in place your whole body feeling over and turning to gold. "Bill wait! Wait! Don't do this! We can talk this out!"

"I don't think so...you and no one else in any dimension is going to stop me!"

"Bill Cipher, I swear I will -"

He winced, waiting for the rest of your sentence that never came, your face permanently frozen in distorted anger. This is what he wanted, right? He wanted out of the nightmare dimension. He wanted complete and utter chaos in the real world. He was sure of it only a moment ago.

Then why did he feel so bad.

He stared at your face solid gold and gleaming now.

"Are you happy?"

He shook your voice from his head.

"You'll see y/n! I'm going to Rule this dimension and you'll regret not joining me!" He said trying to gain back his confidence.

He could.

Not when you where looking at him like that.

So he possessed Fords body, tossed you threw the still finicky portal and forgot about you.

Tried to forget about you.

Every day, something new would come up, and he would still be ready to tell you, still wake up, ready to spend his time with you.

Who knew how lonely he really was until Ford dragged you out of that portal all those years ago.

He thought about you now most of all, staring up at the ceiling in his interdemensinal cell.

He wondered if he would have beaten the Pines family if you were by his side. He wandered if he would have even gone through with weirdmagedon if you were by his side.

He truly just missed you. He regretted throwing you away like you weren't everything to him. He hoped you would eventually forgive him if you ever crossed paths or if you were even unfrozen.

He avoided bringing you up now that he was in mandatory therapy. Anytime he felt he might mention you, he paused and steered the conversation away as best he could.

"Welcome, everyone. Let's settle down."

Bill sighed, slumping into his chair. Bracing himself for yet another group therapy session.

"Before we get started, I'd like to welcome a new member to the group." He rolled his eye while the other members erupted in chatter.

"Settle down, everyone, please welcome y/n."

Bill felt his heart stop, and the air leave his lungs.

Low and behold you scanned the room looking for an open seat, you sat across from him locking eyes with him for a moment.

"I like your scar" You mouthed.

He stared at you jaw on the floor.

"How?" He asked all you did was smile before the mediators spoke up again.

"Alright, everyone, let's begin."

[heavyhitterheaux]

On Bended Knee

First Lady of Private Garden Fic

Synopsis: You and Jack go to a series of therapy sessions to talk about your marriage that you honestly feel in the back of your mind is going to lead to the two of you being separated and Jack is desperately trying for it not to happen

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Mentions of postpartum depression, death, and miscarriage

“So, what is bringing us in today?” Fatima, your therapist asked both you and Jack as the two of you were sitting at opposite ends of the couch in front of her.

Jack glanced over at you and you simply had your head resting on your arm as you looked straight ahead so he figured that he needed to be the one to speak first.

“We are at odds like we've never been before and I don't know what else to do. It seems like I take five steps forward and ten steps back when it comes to her. I love my wife and I can't see myself without her.” He quietly said as Fatima smiled at him and nodded. She then turned to you.

“Y/N? Would you agree with that?”

“To a certain extent, yes. But I reached my breaking point a long time ago.”

Hearing that made Jack’s heart drop.

“Tell me more.”

“The man who claims that he's my husband and sitting across from me is someone that I truly no longer recognize as far as some of his actions go. Because the Jack that I know wouldn't do those things in a million years.”

“Such as?”

“Making me feel that my thoughts and feelings are invalid. We've been together since we were fifteen years old, got married at 19, but something switched in 2022 when his fame went to an entire new level. Our relationship has been tested and I don't know if it's even worth saving at this point.”

Jack turned to look at you in disbelief because he couldn't believe that those words came out your mouth.

“Babe…”

“No. You begged me to come to therapy with you so you need to put your big boy pants on even if it's something that you don't want to hear. Because trying to talk to you at home is obviously not working. You asked for this so don't shy away now.” You told Jack as you finally looked at him. All he did was play with his wedding ring and nod before turning back to look at Fatima.

You and Jack had barely been speaking to one another and it seemed as if the arguments over little things were getting more and more frequent. You were sitting in the living room since you had just fed the triplets as Jack came and sat next to you.

You glanced over at him, but didn't speak as you turned back around to look at the TV. This was the first time you were able to have peace and quiet all day and the last thing you wanted was to argue with him again. Because at this point, you knew that the two of you were not on the same page.

“Baby?”

“What?” You said and it came out a little harsher than you intended.

“I don't want to keep fighting with you. We're on the same team.”

“Are we? Hadn't noticed since it doesn't seem like it.”

“Y/N, come on. You know we are.” He told you as he attempted to grab your hand. He was surprised when you didn't move away from him.

“Some of your actions state otherwise.”

“I want to fix this and I know you do too. I signed up for marriage counseling and we meet the therapist on Wednesday. I just…. We need to get on the same page if we want this marriage to last.”

You turned to look at him and simply sighed before crossing your arms over your chest.

“And if this doesn't work, then what?”

“Babe, that isn't an option.”

“And you didn't answer my question, Jackman. Tell me what will happen if it doesn't work?”

“I don't have an answer because I don't plan on that happening. We love each other and we’re going to get through this.”

“I'm not sure that I want to go.” You told him being completely honest.

“Can I ask why?”

“If you can't even listen to me when we're at home, what makes you think it'll be any different in therapy?”

“Y/N, you're shaking your head as Jack is talking. What are you thinking?”

“He remembers that a lot differently than I do. I told him not once, but multiple times that she made me uncomfortable, but he steadily ignored me. So much so that he actually asked her to be in his video for First Class.”

“But, you're in it, are you not?”

“Yes, only because I stopped what I was doing when I saw her post a picture of the both of them on Instagram and she was sitting in his lap.  He claimed that she took the pic so fast that he didn't even have time to react. I went to where they were shooting the video and told her to leave and made her delete the picture. Oh, and when I actually did fight her because this had been building up for months with her constantly harassing me, never not once did he ask me if I was okay. Instead he acted mean as hell towards me because the only thing he seemed to be concerned about was our reputation in the public eye and not my actual well-being. We were both at home for a few days after which ended in another argument and him leaving.”

“But you left out the part where you had talked to me the same day that it happened and said absolutely nothing and tried to hide it. I was in a whole different state when I found out and caught a flight to Atlanta to confront you about it because you had stopped answering your phone. There was no need to lie to me about that.”

“Yes there was because I knew you would lose your shit which you did when you came and saw me backstage before my show.”

“Because you could've gotten hurt!”

“Hmm, nice try. I think you meant damage your reputation because those words didn't even come out of your mouth when it happened.”

“Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean that I want any harm to come to you. You're my wife! Why would I want you to put yourself in a situation which could lead to you getting hurt? That's what I was mad about.”

“Wouldn't have had to be in that situation if you would have established boundaries with her from the beginning. I'm your wife. We share a last name. Not her.”

Therapy had been going steady for the first three weeks and Jack simply didn't know how to feel at this point. He wasn't able to read you as of lately and had it in the back of his mind that a divorce would be coming soon and you would be the one to ask for it. 

And that made him sick to his stomach.

When you were pregnant, it seems like everything was halted and the two of you put your issues to the side. But as soon as they were born and you had healed from it, everything had come back up to the surface. It also didn't help that Jack knew you were also going through postpartum depression.

It was one in the morning and he had gone for a drive after checking on you as well as the triplets and making sure all of you were okay. He didn't have an exact destination in mind, but he simply pulled out his phone and took a deep breath before dialing his mother’s number. He was absolutely desperate at this point.

Maggie picked up on the third ring and he could tell that she was still wide awake by all of the background noise which he assumed was the TV.

“Hey honey, everything okay?”

“No.” 

When Maggie heard how distressed her oldest child sounded she immediately grew concerned.

“What's going on? Are Y/N and the babies okay?”

“They're fine, but umm…” Jack trailed off as he struggled to say his next sentence.

“But what?”

“I honestly think deep down that Y/N is going to divorce me and I… can't live without her. I haven't had to do it in so long that I wouldn't even know where to start. She's the love of my life and the mother of my kids. I can't lose her.”

“What exactly makes you think that she will?”

“We're going to therapy but there's such a huge disconnect that I don't think we'll be able to fix. She didn't have high expectations going into it so…”

“Can I be honest?” Maggie asked and took a deep breath after doing so. However, Jack had a strong feeling that he already knew what she was about to say.

“You saw this coming, didn't you?” Jack asked as he turned onto Bardstown and was casually driving throughout the city.

“Yes from a mile away. I don't know what exactly happened, but 2022 was the start of the rift being made in your relationship with each other. And I've pulled you aside a few times and warned you that how you were acting wasn't a good portrayal of the person I raised you to be or the husband that I know you are towards Y/N. That girl basically worships the ground you walk on and you used to do the same thing. The fame got to you and you were starting to achieve your goals and she was supportive of you. You didn't give her the same support in return and now look where you two are.”

“What do I do to fix this? I need her to forgive me.”

“Then you need to remind her of how much you love and care about her. Because your actions haven't reflected that you do.”

“And what if that doesn't work?”

“Then you'll be signing divorce papers.” 

“Definitely can't forget how he thought I was cheating on him and he actually followed me to see what I was doing.”

“I apologized for that. I was paranoid. I had been gone a lot and missed you.”

“What did Y/N do to make you think that she was cheating?” Fatima asked Jack as he once again started to play with his wedding ring.

“Not spending time with me like she said she would when I finally got back home and she would lie about where she was going so I followed her.”

“And what came of that?”

“She was planning a surprise party for me because First Class had done so well. And she then explained who every single person was that she had met up with. She was just trying to keep it a secret as best as she could. But the day of the party unbeknownst to me of course, I confronted her about it and the look she gave me was utter disbelief and I then knew that I had fucked up. She did show up eventually to the party and then went on her festival run and left that same night.”

“Y/N, is that how you remember it?”

“Yes, I just couldn't fathom that he thought that I would ever want to do something to hurt our marriage. I haven't looked another man's way since we started dating and I still don't. He's everything that I ever wanted and more so what would be the point of that? It just really hurt me. I have this man's name tattooed on my body for everyone to see so why would I do that?”

“I can tell by the way you're talking about it that it still hurts you.”

“It does and the thing is that I am always putting everyone else's needs before my own. I have a big heart and that has always been the case. But I feel that Jack used that to his advantage.”

“How so?”

“If he called and said that he needed me, everything else would be forgotten at that moment. It doesn't matter anymore and we can go back to it once I go and make sure he’s okay. It didn't matter that I was trying to establish a career of my own. If my baby needed me, nothing was going to stop me from getting to him. It didn't matter how big or small the issue was and he knew that.”

“Hmm, Jack, what are your thoughts on that?”

“Now that she said it out loud, I can admit to taking advantage of her as horrible as that sounds. I never want to do that to my wife. I would call her because I know that out of anyone at the end of the day she has my back and my best interest. However, I also should have taken into consideration what she was trying to do for her career at that time because I was the one who pushed her to do it and make a name for herself.” 

“And I still put people's needs before my own. It's something that I have to learn to stop doing. That also takes me back to the whole Anitta thing.”

“What about her?”

“She threatened to release a portion of our sex tape in May and Jack didn't even tell me until December. That's when I called off the wedding, when I found out he lied to me.”

“Jack, why didn't you tell her?”

“I thought I could handle it on my own and simply make it go away. I wanted to shield her from that since a lot had happened between the two of them already. Not the smartest choice since it led to us not doing our big wedding for our five year anniversary.”

“And then I went on tour and found out I was pregnant…. With triplets.”

“And told me in a text message because we really weren't talking during that time.”

Urban glanced at you as you were feeding Autumn and called your name to get your attention. He had come over to check on you because you hadn't been acting like yourself and wanted to see if there was anything that he could do to make it better.

“Lil Bit.”

“Yes?” You answered as you looked up at him.

“Are you and Jack okay?”

“Depends on what your definition of okay is.”

“I… the two of you just seem sad and out of it lately.” Seeing his best friends’ marriage crumble before his eyes was not on this year's bingo card.

“Well we started going to therapy and Jack practically had to beg me to go. I don't know, Urban. I love him and we all know that's true. But the question is if our marriage is worth saving at this point?”

“Only the two of you are going to be able to answer that question at this point. I can't answer that for either of you. But I know that Jack loves you all the same and that he's doing everything he can to show you that he deserves another chance to get this right. He doesn't want to lose you.” Urban told you as you simply nodded and adjusted Autumn in your arms.

“My thing is that it should have never come to this.”

“I agree, but what's done is done and the only thing that the two of you can do is move forward. The triplets deserve to see a happy marriage between their parents and know what real love looks like.”

As soon as those words left Urban's mouth, it got you thinking that maybe he was right. You honestly couldn't see yourself with anyone except him despite all the two of you had gone through that year.

“But so much has happened and I… just don't know anymore.”

“You know that you love him. I know that loving someone isn't the only thing you need in order to make it work but it's a good start.”

“As the two of you sit in front of me, I've heard the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to your marriage, but I know one thing for certain. The two of you undeniably love each other despite everything that has happened. Yes, there were hardships and plenty of ups and downs, but Y/N, every time you even talk Jack lights up and looks at you like you hung all the stars in the sky. Usually in this room, it ends up being the complete opposite because by the time that couples get to me they are too far gone.”

She glanced at both of you and it looked as if you wanted to say something.

“Y/N? What's on your mind?”

“Um, I was just thinking that because of everything that happened, I wanted to separate from him for a while.”

Jack didn't dare let you see it, but tears had pricked his eyes.

“But, I have decided not to. If he's doing all of this and trying to put the effort in then I guess I can give him another chance. Because when I had suggested going to therapy and doing things to hopefully help us repair the relationship, he just waved me off. I feel as though this was too little too late but…”

“Y/N, it wasn’t too late because the two of you are sitting in front of me. That goes to show me despite it all, deep down you still had hope for your marriage too.”

“I have three kids to think about.”

“No, that's not it. Even though they deserve to see what love and happiness looks like, you also deserve the same thing. Jack, how does that make you feel hearing that Y/N wanted to separate from you?”

“It hurts. I've been in love with her since I first laid eyes on her. I know I've messed up and I can understand why she feels that way. I wasn't treating her how she deserved to be treated and it shouldn't have taken me almost losing her to realize that. She died in front of me not once, but twice. But I had already made it up in my mind that if I became a widow, there was no way in hell that I was marrying someone else.”

“And I'm not totally innocent either, but at one point I was damn near walking on eggshells and I shouldn't have to do that in my marriage. And you could have married someone else. I would not want you to be lonely for the rest of your life.”

“No, because I would always compare her to you and when it comes to you, no one comes close.” Jack said as he turned to you and took your hand in his.

“Besides, I was also scared that you were probably going to haunt me if I did.” He told you and a small smile broke out on your face. 

“So with that being said, I have homework for the two of you. If you want to start to repair this marriage and make it work, start dating each other again. It seems like ever since the triplets have been born that the two of you actually haven't spent time with each other with just the two of you. Let me know how this goes and I honestly can't wait to hear about it.”

The night was winding down at the Kentucky State Fair as you and Jack were sharing a funnel cake piled high with powdered sugar and strawberries. The two of you rode so many different things and decided that it was time for food before it was closing time. A few people had asked you and Jack for pictures, but for the most part they were keeping their distance and you almost felt normal. You guess it was the fact that they saw the two of you out and about so often. 

As the two of you were eating, you looked at Jack and giggled, noticing that he had powdered sugar on his nose.

“What? Why are you laughing at me?” He asked as he pinched your cheek.

“You have powdered sugar on your nose.” You told him as you wiped it off and then kissed the tip of it making him smile.

“Did you want anything else before we leave?” He asked and your eyes lit up as you looked towards the pigs that were across from the two of you. Jack followed your gaze and his eyes went wide.

“Baby, NO.”

“But….”

“I meant food wise! We have two pigs already! And the ones over there are huge! They're bigger than me!”

“Exaggerating much? Can't I just look!? Piggy Smalls and Pork Chop need a sibling.”

“They have one in the house already as in the bacon I ate this morning.” Jack replied as he began laughing.

“JACKMAN!”

“You can look from here. Now didn't you say you wanted fried oreos?”

“Yes, but you're forgetting something.”

“What's that babe?” He asked as he fed you the last of the funnel cake and made sure to get all of the powdered sugar off of your face. 

“You haven't won me a stuffed animal yet.”

“Let’s do it then. Which stuffed animal do you want?”

“The pig since you won't let me buy another one.”

“The two of you are smiling, so I take that as a good sign.” Fatima said as she looked at you and Jack and she that the two of you were basically sitting on top of each other and nodded.

“So, the dates went well?”

“Yes, we went bowling, he took me to the state fair, and we went to Vincezo's. We also had a cooking date where we made pasta from scratch. Surprised that Jack lived to tell the tale after that one.”

“HEY! I thought I did pretty good!”

“I mean it did end up being edible so I guess.” You told him as you laughed and he scrunched up his nose.

“We've come a long way. The two of you came to me about six months ago and Y/N was ready to call it quits. And now look at the two of you. Communicating how you should and taking the time out for each other. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you two and your well being gets put on the back burner. As of now, we can continue these sessions if the two of you want, but I truly don't see a need.”

“Oh, there was another thing.” Jack started to say and Fatima looked at him to continue.

“I played her ‘Down on Bended Knee’ because I feel that it summed up the point that we were at in our relationship. I was desperate and willing to do anything for her to forgive me and make her see that she is still the only person that I want to do life with.

“That’s an amazing song choice. I know you were at a loss. Dealing with her dying in front of you, the birth of the triplets and the possibility of losing your only son, the miscarriage, Y/N working her way through postpartum depression and that isn't even all of it. But the two of you pushed through all of it with the undying love that you share between each other and I'm so proud of the both of you.”

“Now, I feel like I can finally get the big wedding that I always wanted.” You said confidently as you twirled your wedding ring around your finger not knowing that Jack had already started planning it in the back of his mind.

Jack noticed how you were looking at him as the two of you were laughing on your first date night in a while since the two of you had been so busy with everything going on around you. The triplets were with Urban and the two of you had finally finished going to marriage counseling, however, Fatima told the two of you to reach out whenever you needed her no matter how big or small. 

The two of you were still seeing your regular therapists and it was helping you communicate better with one another to set up to have a positive household environment for the triplets.

“Why are you looking at me like that baby girl?” Jack asked as he stole a sip of your iced tea and then slid it back across the table.

“Nothing. I’m just really happy.” You said while smiling back at him.

“Why, is it because I rearranged your guts this morning or? I mean I can do it again once we leave here too, it’s not a problem. Just say the word.”

“Jackman! Shut up!” You responded and continued to laugh.

“What? I was just asking.” Jack said as he shrugged.

“You want me to be honest?” You said while starting to play with the fabric at the bottom of your dress.

“Of course I want you to be honest with me. That’s all I ever want.”

“I’m trying to think of the best way to describe it.”

“Take your time, sweetheart. We have all night.”

“Loving you feels lighter.”

“What do you mean?” Jack asked as he was trying to understand what you were saying.

“I just feel that before with all that we were going through, I felt a heaviness I guess I should say. Every day I woke up not knowing if our marriage was going to survive and I hated having that feeling. I wanted for us to be okay again.”

“And now we finally are. And I’m thankful that you gave us another chance.”

“I mean you got me fucked up if you thought you were getting rid of me that easily. Been together since we were fifteen and love like that doesn’t go away overnight.”

“I never want to get rid of you, you know me better than that. If anything, my love for you continues to grow every single day. It doesn’t matter if we have a bad day or not. It’s just knowing that I have you by my side makes it all worth it because I know we’ll do anything for each other and make sure that the other is okay. No matter how big or small the issues might be.”

“Okay that will be the second time you made me cry today.” You said as you could feel the tears in the corners of your eyes.

“Don’t cry, baby! I’m just being honest. I honestly don’t think there’s enough words in any language on earth that can describe how much I love you and care about you."

"Yep, now I'm crying." You said through your tears and Jack immediately grabbed your left hand to kiss the back of it as he played with your wedding ring.

"Putting this ring on your finger was the best thing I've ever done and you have my heart. Always."

[nebulablakemurphy]

Moves & Countermoves (Part 19)

Summary: No one ever wins the games, even fourteen years later, Y/N is still playing. Trigger warning: discussions of trauma surrounding ‘desirable’ victors.

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18

“Tell me about the stairs,” Dr. Aurelius says.

Y/N stares at him blankly, the stairs.

He waits a moment, tapping his pen to paper. “At the request of your husband, you will be issued a nightlock pill, to use in the event that you are captured.”

Y/N nods. One of the stipulations to Haymitch agreeing to her deployment, on this mission to rescue Peeta.

‘Show me you can reach it with your mouth.’ He tested the accessibility of her suit’s pill pocket, rigorously. ‘Show me you can still reach it with your hands behind your back.’

It isn’t something he wants her to use, but knowing that whatever Snow has planned for her would make Peeta’s captivity look like child’s play…

“By President Coin’s orders, I cannot release this… medication unless you are of sound mind.”

“You have reason to believe I’m not?” Y/N asks.

“One of your former guards told me you asked if anyone had ever jumped from the elevator.” Aurelius purses his lips.

“It was one time!” Y/N waves a hand, “and it was a joke.”

“You have a dark sense of humor.”

“You would too.”

The therapist affords her a soft smile, “you may be right. Even still, you are my patient. I need to act in your best interest. So please, tell me what happened on the stairs.”

Y/N takes a deep breath, “it’s kind of a blur. Everyone was pushing, yelling, especially after the upper levels were damaged and the rain started coming down.”

“How did you feel?”

“I felt…worried, I guess.”

“In what way?”

“About Haymitch, Madge and the kids. Worried about what was happening to Peeta. Worried about getting Katniss into the bunker.”

He jots this down.

“That was a normal response.” Y/N snaps.

“Very much so,” the doctor agrees, “not every note I make is a bad one.”

Y/N crosses her arms.

“Did you worry for yourself? Your own safety?”

You’re supposed to say yes.

“There is no right answer, Y/N.”

“There’s an answer that gets me to Peeta and one that doesn’t.”

“True,” he shrugs, “but I trust you not to lie.”

“You shouldn’t.” Y/N narrows her eyes. “I’m a good liar, I’ve been doing it since I was fifteen.”

“How do you feel about death? Is it something you long for, or run from?”

“If I die, my kids lose their mother, my husband loses his wife, my sister loses her sister. The list goes on. So it really doesn’t matter how I feel about death. All I know is that I cannot die.”

“Yet you think you could bite down on this pill?” He presents the dark purple capsule.

“As a last resort. If I have fought tooth and nail and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I can’t get free? I could.” Y/N decides.

Dr. Aurelius nods, holding the nightlock out to her. “Best of luck.”

————————————————————————

Haymitch curses Katniss’ name, as he shuffles through the crawl space she’s gone to hide in, after refusing to make the propo saying thirteen survived Snow’s attack.

Have kids, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Though none of his biological children have forced him to squeeze in such a tight space, parenthood is not for the faint of heart.

He plops down beside her with a sigh, “so this is the end, huh? I guess we’re just gonna hide down here forever.”

“I can’t be the mockingjay,” Katniss chokes out.

“Not the mockingjay,” Haymitch tosses a bit of hair away from her face, “just Katniss.”

She blinks at him, warily.

“Look, I know I’m not good at this pep talk stuff. That’s Y/N’s department.”

“She doesn’t want to see me,” Katniss understands.

“She spent the morning getting cleared by her shrink.”

“Cleared for what?”

“They’re going to rescue Peeta.” Haymitch tells her.

“What?”

“The dam went down in district five, took out most of the power to the Capitol. Knocked out their signal defense, Beetee’s inside their system, reeking all kinds of havoc. The window is open to us, for how much longer? I don’t know, I guess until the Capitol can get the power back on.” Haymitch explains.

“And Coin?”

“I can never fully support that woman. But Plutarch got word that Peeta and the others are in the tribute center. With the power out, Coin sees this as an opportunity. She knows that Peeta is the Capitol’s weapon, the same way you’re ours. And as opposed to having you two pointing at each other, she’s going to get him.”

“I have to go help them.” Katniss springs to life.

“Woah, hey,” Haymitch reaches out a hand to stop her. “What’re you just gonna jump out of the vent and go storm the Capitol? Besides it’s already underway. Six soldiers went in, volunteer only. Y/N, Gale, Boggs and three others.”

“You just let her go?” Katniss frowns.

Haymitch admits, “she’s not the type of person you ‘let’ do things. But you know how that is, sweetheart. Between the two of you,” he lets out a low whistle, “I’m exhausted.”

————————————————————————

Madge breaks her dinner roll in half. Splitting it between Everest and Arista, the same way she’s watched Y/N and Haymitch do since they got here. Making sure little bellies are full, before their own.

Pollux approaches, motioning to the seat across from Madge, at the metal mess hall table. He sets down his tray and pulls out his note pad, to jot a message down. “Is this seat taken?”

“No,” Madge greets him, “please, sit.”

“Hi, I’m Pollux. You’re Y/N’s sister, right?”

Madge nods.

“She keeps your picture in her pocket.” Pollux smiles. “And them.” He points to the oldest children.

Everest’s eyes scan the page. “Our mom told us about you. What happened to you in the Capitol…I’m really sorry.”

“Honey,” Madge runs a hand over his hair.

“Thank you, Everest. It’s nice to meet you. Your mom talks about you all the time, she is so proud.” Pollux turns the page quickly, for more room. “Arista and Daisy too, of course. Your mom loves you all very much.”

With that the children turn back to their meals.

Madge smiles, stabbing at her food with one hand, while patting the baby in the sling. The tray moves and Pollux holds out a hand to stabilize it. “Oh, thank you. It’s ok though, you eat.”

He draws the hand back, long enough to scribble, “I’d offer to hold the baby instead, but I don’t think we’re there yet.”

Madge laughs, “funny.”

“It’s really no trouble.”

Madge shrugs, as he grips the edge of her tray, loosely. Managing his own dinner just fine.

Cressida calls him away, after a while, for Finnick’s live propo, to help jam the Capitol’s airwaves.

“I’ll see you around.”

“I’ll see you.”

————————————————————————

“This is Finnick Odair, winner of the sixty-fifth Hunger Games, coming to you from district thirteen, alive and well. We survived an attack by the Capitol, but I’m not here to give you recent news.”

“Why is Finnick doing a propo?” Katniss wonders, watching the split screen of the control room. The large, right panel is an image of Finnick. Just outside the rubble, where they asked her to film earlier, the sun has set and the lights are trained on him. The left hand side is home to six smaller panels, with the soldier’s helmet cam footage.

“It’s a lot more than that,” Haymitch informs her.

“Beetee’s commandeered the system,” Coin says, proudly.

“They’re down to generator power, so there’s a more limited range of frequencies available to them. I’m filling them all up with Y/N and Finnick. It looks like they’re both live.” Beetee assures Katniss.

“Snow will think she’s still here?” That’s brilliant.

“Not many will see it, but those who do will assume they’re just propos.”

“What they don’t know is that these broadcasts are jamming their entire system with noise. Early defense warnings, internal communications, everything. As long as one or both of the broadcasts are going through, our team should be able to get in and out without being detected.” Beetee assures her.

“You can survive the arena, but the moment you leave, you’re a slave.” Finnick narrates. “President Snow used to sell me, or my body, at least.”

“Mockingjay one, you are twenty seconds from perimeter defense.”

“I wasn’t the only one. If a victor is considered desirable, the president gives them as a reward, or allows people to buy them. If you refuse, he kills someone you love.” Finnick presses on, looking straight at camera.

“Ten seconds.” The hovercraft pilot begins counting down. “Nine, eight, seven, six.”

“Just because a victor is married doesn’t mean they’re safe.”

“Five, four, three…”

“The Capitol’s more generous patrons paid dearly to watch the wedding night, even more to witness the conception of the most beloved children in Panem.”

“Two, one.”

Katniss freezes, surely he doesn’t mean- it couldn’t be. The dress, that stupid dress they crammed her in. Why it upset Y/N so badly. Snow was taunting her.

“No response from perimeter defense, we’re inside Capitol airspace.”

“Yes,” Beetee rejoices.

Haymitch is watching the smaller screen, his jaw tense, doing his best to ignore the eyes that fall on him. Twisting his wedding band around and around. It doesn’t matter what secrets Finnick reveals, so long as he keeps jamming the signal. Keep Y/N safe.

“To make themselves feel better, patrons will offer presents of money or jewelry. But I found secrets to be a much more valuable form of payment.”

“Gear up,” Boggs orders the soldiers on the hovercraft. They are just seconds away from the tribute center. “Masks on.”

Their lenses are tinted for night vision, the red light inside makes Y/N’s heartbeat faster.

“Open the door.” Boggs says, his voice echoing through her headset. “Command, this is team leader, preparing to deploy gas. We will confirm once inside.”

“Such a young man when he rose to power, such a clever one to keep it. How, you may ask, did he do it?” Finnick is captivating, well spoken.

Katniss is hanging off every word.

“One word, poison.”

The timer for the gas grenadines finishes, on Bogg’s stop watch, “get ready to drop.”

Y/N secures her harness to the wire, giving it a firm tug. Descending through the open loading dock, releasing the wires as they reach ground.

“Clear.” Boggs, informs the team. “We’re inside, headed for target number one. Cell B forty-five, lower level two C.”

“So many deaths to well known adversaries, even allies who were deemed as threats.”

It’s dizzying, giving equal attention to Finnick’s message and the feed from inside the tribute center.

Haymitch is glued to that screen, her screen. Like he wants to reach through and bring her back with him.

Once Peeta’s holding cell is gassed, they are cleared to enter.

“Snow would drink from the same cup, to deflect suspicion. But antidotes don’t always work, which is why he wears roses that reek of perfume. To help cover the scent of sores, in his mouth, that will never heal.”

Poison, Katniss shakes her head to clear it. He’s still talking about poison.

Inside the room is a lab, full of jars, experiments. Cages. Medical equipment, some with blood still visible.

“What the fuck?” Y/N whispers, reaching out to try and make sense of it.

“Abernathy, on me.” Boggs warns, they need to stay focused.

“What is this place?” Gale asks, venturing deeper.

Their screens lights up, all of them at once. Too bright to see.

“Ahh.”

There is a collective hiss, from those in the tribute center. The power’s back on.

“Beetee?” Katniss has a hand flat against her belly, where the worry eats her alive.

“Ma’am, the Capitol air defense is rebooting. It’s coming back online.”

“They must be diverting power from another source, filtering transmissions. Another sixty seconds and we’ll be cut off.” Beetee scowls, typing furiously at the control panel.

“Get them outta there,” Haymitch demands.

“Madame President, should we call back the hovercraft?”

“Broadcast me,” Katniss decides, “if Snow’s watching this, maybe he’ll let the signal in, if he sees me. Put me on the air so he can see me.”

“Yes,” Plutarch snaps a finger. “Yes.”

“Put her on,” Coin agrees.

“Can we still do this?” Haymitch’s hands are shaking as he positions the camera in front of her. “Can we still get in?” Can we still save her?

“Yes, for the moment,” Beetee replies. “The line’s open, he will only see you.”

“Ok, Katniss,” Haymitch steps away. “Go.”

“President Snow.” Katniss says, “President Snow, it’s Katniss.”

The static continues to crackle. No more Finnick, no more footage from the tribute center. Just her.

“President Snow, can you hear me?” Katniss repeats, hoping for a miracle. “I need to speak with you, are you there? President Snow.”

“Miss Everdeen,” his voice is distorted for a moment, until the signal hones in. “What an honor. I don’t imagine you’re calling to thank me for the roses.”

“I never asked for this. I never asked to be in the games.” Katniss reminds him. “I just wanted to save my sister and keep Peeta alive. Let him go and I will stop being the mockingjay. I will disappear and you’ll never have to see me again.”

“You couldn’t run from this anymore than you could’ve run from the games.”

“Please, you’ve won.” Katniss says, “release Peeta and take me instead.”

Snow shakes his head with a smirk. “We are long past the opportunity for noble sacrifice.”

“Then tell me what to do, I’ve always kept my promises. Haven’t I?”

“You said you didn’t want a war, and that’s just what happened. I told you what a fragile thing peace was and still, like a child, you took pleasure in breaking it. I know what you are, I know you can’t see past your narrowest concerns. But please, Miss Everdeen, I doubt you know what honesty is anymore.”

“You asked me to convince you that I was in love with Peeta,” Katniss challenges. “Haven’t I at least done that?”

Snow takes great pleasure in what he’s about to say, it’s written all over his twisted features. “It’s the things we love most that destroy us. I want you to remember I said that.” He pauses. “Don’t you think I know Y/N and your friends are in the tribute center?”

Katniss feels the floor fall out from under her.

“Cut them off.” Snow says, turning away from the screen. It returns to the static hum of nothing.

They had comms back, but now Beetee’s lost them again.

“What happened?” Katniss sobs.

“Boggs, do you read me? Boggs, come in.”

“He knows they’re in there,” Katniss calls to Haymitch. “It’s a trap.”

“Katniss, calm down.” Haymitch whispers.

“We have to get ahold of them, tell them to get out. He knows.”

“There’s no signal, we can’t contact them,” Plutarch sighs.

“No, Haymitch.” Katniss crumbles, “he knew the whole time, he was taunting me! No, Haymitch-”

“No, no, we don’t know that.” Haymitch hushes her, because he has to be strong. He has to be steady, even with his world falling to pieces.

“Did I lose them all tonight? Did I lose them all?”

Haymitch pulls her into a hug. “Shhh,” he smooths down her dark waves, the same way he would his other daughters.

She holds fast, allowing him to comfort her. “Did I lose them?” The cry is muffled against his shoulder.

“Shh,” he sways them, gently.

“No, no.”

“Katniss,” Haymitch breathes, “listen to me. I need you to listen.”

She nods, unable to calm her erratic breathing.

“If Y/N died, I would feel it. I would feel it in my heart, if she was gone and I don’t. If she’s alive, Peeta is alive, Gale is alive. All we have to do is wait.”

————————————————————————

“Systems are back online.” The pilot informs them.

There’s nothing they can do. Communication with thirteen is shut down, no way to get through to Beetee. They’ll either shoot them out of the sky or they won’t. The only way out is through.

Y/N doesn’t mean to, but she holds her breath. Waiting until they clear Capitol airspace to resume a normal pattern.

Of the five other soldiers on this rescue mission, there is one medic. She begins tending Annie, Johanna and Peeta in turn. Starting IV fluids, as they are all dehydrated; unconscious from the gas.

Annie looks like herself, maybe a bit gaunt, but recognizable. Peeta is thin, so thin and covered in bruises. Johanna’s head has been shaved, cheeks hollow and ribs showing. Y/N tosses off her helmet, running both hands over her face.

“Soldier.” Boggs puts a hand to her shoulder. “You did good. We accomplished our goal. Now we can all go home.”

Y/N nods, blinking away tears.

“Take a breather, there’s a separate compartment through there,” he motions to the rear doors. “He’ll need you when he comes to.”

Peeta does not wake for some time, beginning to struggle at his bindings. No, he realizes, it’s not a binding that holds him. It’s a hand. Just one wrapped loosely around his.

It feels familiar, soft. Someone he knew once, it smells of artificial air. She is warm, the space around her is warm, gentle and kind. A second hand strokes his hair, the way he once wished his mother would.

His eyelids begin to flutter open, daring to reveal that he is conscious. If he’s wrong…if it’s not her and they’ve tricked him again, it will be his own fault.

“Peeta,” Y/N says, staring down at him.

He blinks up at her, in the too bright light. His breathing heavy as she tries to move away, to give him space, but he holds her. Squeezing her fingers.

“Peeta, do you know who I am?”

His throat is sore, voice hoarse, from screaming. “Y-yes.”

“Good,” Y/N smiles.

“Where am I?”

“We’re in a hovercraft, on the way to district thirteen.”

Peeta studies her face. There was something…something is missing, something’s wrong. “What happened to the baby?”

“She’s fine.” Y/N assures him. “Keeping her siblings and Haymitch company.”

“You’re all ok?”

Y/N nods, “yeah, honey, we’re all ok. Now we focus on getting you healthy. Ok?”

He doesn’t flee from her touch, only the occasional flinch when he forgets where he is, until she reminds him that he is safe. “You came back for me.”

“Of course I did.”

Y/N leaves him briefly, with the doctors, upon arrival in thirteen. She needs to find Haymitch, tell him she’s ok. And she is running, searching, colliding into him, with such force that they are both sent off balance.

Down to the floor, the dirty, cold floor. But no place has ever felt better. To hold him, for him to hold her and inhale the scent at the crook of his neck.

“Never again.” He pleads, massaging the back of her scalp, like he does when she’s falling asleep. “Never do that to me again.”

“I’m sorry, Haymitch.” She nuzzles the delicate skin of his throat.

“Don’t make me live in a world where you don’t exist.”

‘All I know is that I cannot die.’

Part 20

Series Taglist: @praline357 @flowercrowns-goodvibes @justheretoparty420 @avocadotoastwithegg @treehouse-mouse @emo-markie @spilled-mi1k @magical-spit @greaser9902 @jessicamellarky @yourebuckingkiddingme @smuha2004 @sendhelplease @ninimackbrews @wittiestrain184 @r1dd1kulus @erenluvr69 @helpimhyperfixating @jackierose902109 @jellybear455 @dreammgc @dadbodfanatic-x @ftdtcmlovr @inky-sun @ms-brek-ker @undercover55655 @mischiefmanaged21 @avoxrising @koiphisch @drwho-ess @daisydaisybilly

[starzshopoflove]

But did he ever make you cry? (Johnny "Soap" Mactavish x Reader)

Notes: fem reader! sfw, literally just me projecting onto reader, best friend Soap! Pining!! Hurt/comfort! I'll make this a series if you guys like it (WC: 1.7)

(Pov first person in italics) 

God when is this gonna be fucking over 

I’ve been here for what? 4 hours? He just keeps going on and on and on about his ex and “How crazy she was”. When was the last time he asked me something, feels like I'm sitting here for decoration. If he wanted to talk about another girl he could have found a therapist or something, Jesus.

This might be up there in the top 10 worst dates, maybe after that freak who got up in my ear after coffee asking if I wanted to go back to his place. Am I cursed?? What is it about me and attracting these absolute losers? 

Its been a while since you’ve gone out a bit rough around the edges since your last breakup. Sure the relationship wasn't that serious but it still bothered you that he left because “You weren't putting out enough” after he said it was fine that you wanted to take things slow. You got your hopes up a bit too high after this guy (absolute fuckin DWEEB) in your lecture asked if you could grab dinner together. You just wasted a solid 2 hours picking out a cute little skirt and doing your makeup checking twice to make sure you looked nothing less then too the 9’s. 

And then he shows up in a baggy pair of khaki joggers and hoodie, y'know after he said “Get pretty I’ll take you somewhere nice”. Oh but of course he just “accidentally” forgot the reservations but that's fine he knows a great place nearby. The great place being a diner in the middle of a highway rest with fluorescent lights that flickered too often with a weird smell in the air. 

His table manners were practically non-existent smacking his lips when he chewed, sucking on his fingers and getting ketchup on his face. That sight alone made you put down your fork that barely poked at your clearly reheat mush they insisted was a pasta dish. Oh and he wouldn’t stop fucking talking, honestly you were starting to question how it was possible he hadnt choked on his food when he spoke. 

You need to get out now. Any Longer at this table and your dignity might start slipping away. He yapped on about whatever as you tuned it out, nodding your head like you cared slowly tucking your phone back into your purse and pulling it onto your shoulder. You were already drawing up a game plan in your head, bathroom, call your roommate, tell her to come get you and block his number. Perfectly full proof. 

“You mind if I slip out for a moment? I gotta head to the bathroom, won't be long promise.” 

You slapped on a fake smile as he shot you a nod with a sleezy grin, all your senses pulled you back into reality as you felt disgust pool in your gut at the sight of him noticing more off putting things about the longer you looked. You platforms clicked as you pattered off into the one stall bathroom, you stood up straight inside not wanting to lean on the wall when you noticed the dried piss stains and mysterious gunk smeared on it.

It was suffocating, every second of it. The smell, The lights, the noise and of course him. You felt insulted, was this really the kind of place you deserved to be taken out too? You don't get to be wined and dined every now and then do you? Even after you spend days in class or at work and heaving your bones to the campus library to study for the hundreds of tests your professors insist on giving you. 

You let out a sigh of contempt digging through your purse shoving the ugly rearing head of disappointment back as you pulled out your phone. Scrolling through the contact list to find your roommates number chewing on your thumbnail as you brought your phone up to your ear letting it ring, feeling your heart pound further the longer the phone rang. You but down hard once you heard the automated message trill, a heavy sigh leaving your chest as you slumped against the wall of your stall running a hand through your hair. 

What the fuck am I gonna do, I can’t stay here any longer or i’m not gonna be held responsible for whatever happens to him if he brings up how much he loves blondes again.

You swallowed your pride unlocking your phone again scrolling up your contact list hoping he wouldn’t be too mad at having to save you from this god awful excuse for a date as you eyes settled on his number 

“Johnny 🧼” 

You thumb pressed down on the number bringing your shakey hand back up to your ear, the pressure that was just annoying you got heavier on your chest the longer you thought about having to stay here with him. You might burst into tears if you had to stay another hour and listen to this loser describe how much he likes girls that are the exact opposite of you basically holding you hostage to listen on this “date” 

The ringing stopped when a sigh on the other end of the line broke the silence 

“Ello?” 

You felt the pressure on your chest bubble and pop once you heard his voice, your own cracking a little as you spoke up. Yeah it was embarrassing to cry over the phone but it would be more embarrassing to sit there and finish the date with red eyes. 

“Johnny,, please tell me your not busy right now” 

“Can’t be busy when yer asleep” 

Your voice was shaky which chilled his nerves with worry, you don’t call him at night unless it was an emergency and with the way you sounded all he could do was think the worst 

“What’s wrong bonnie”

It was more of a hushed gentle voice than any annoyance you anticipated, he couldn’t see it but you were already bleary eyed and pouting over the line. 

You sat down closing the toilet lid as another shakey sigh let you while the seat creaked under you. You felt you words choke up in your throat pressing heavy on your sternum. You wanted to explain yourself, tell him how horrible your date went, how you felt stupid for going out with him, and how sorry you are for bothering him at night knowing he just got back from a mission only a few days ago.

“Talk to me bonnie, can’t help if you dinnae tell me” 

“Can you come get me, ‘m sorry” 

Barely a whisper over the phone, Johnny was already imagining the worst when you asked him that. You could hear him shuffling around the room already pressing his phone between his shoulder and ear. In his head you were already kidnapped locked away in some cellar ready to be shipped away, when you were just sniffling and tearing up in a shitty diner bathroom. 

“You ok? nbody hurtin you?” 

You could hear him tugging his heavy boots on, finally letting out a breath you were suffocating to hold knowing you’d finally get out of here 

“No ‘m just not having a good time please, i’ll tell you when your here.” 

Johnny looked down hearing his phone ping with the location hushing your sniffling through the line as he opened up the map shutting his front door and quickly sliding into his pick up. 

__________________________________

The wait felt like forever, it wasn’t of course you watched the clock religiously. 8 minutes, Johnny sped across town in 8 minutes for you, probably breaking a few laws he’d wave away once he got here. 

He walked into the diner seeing it empty, your date no where to be seen while he took in the atmosphere. It was disgusting, and all he could think about was how you got here and why you would ever be here heavily sighing as he paced over knocking on the bathroom door leaning slightly against the door as he waited for your response or even just a sound. 

“Steamin Jesus,, lovie you in here?” 

He could hear shuffling on the other side as you opened the door up looking up at him with a pouted face and flushed face trying to hold back any noise or tears not wanting to cry in front of him. His hand slowly went to the small of your back gently rubbing and guiding you away from the loo. 

“What you doin out ‘ere alone bunny?” 

His voice was low as he mumbled down to you softly, face screwed and eyebrows furrowed while he peered down at you spinning your head around the small dinner seeing your abandoned table and spotting a napkin with writing on it. 

You moved over to the table reading the napkins silently 

“Tif called, had a good time with you, sorry this didn’t work out!”

He left. He asked you out and left you abandoned in the middle of a dinner after trying to feed you shitty food. He asked you out and thought it was fine to treat you like this. This was the straw that broke your back crumpling the napkin under your hand as you pressed your palms on the table hanging your head, you’ve already embarrassed yourself enough what’s the worst some crying can do. 

Johnny watching you crumble felt like a punch to his gut knocking all the air out of his lungs, He moves your hand off the napkin reading it and turning his head to you. Your hands already found your face hiding your shame as you stifled your sobs and swallowed thickly at the fat tears pouring down your face. He could be angry later when he finally got his hands on who ever hurt you 

He pulled your hands off your face, wrapping you in his arms one hand on the small of your back, another petting at your hair, hushing you softly as you slid your hands up to cling at his shirt burying your face into his chest shaking and heaving as you tried not to be loud. He petted at your hair, rocking you gently holding you close tucking your head under his chin as he slowly turned back to sit down in the booth tugging you down to his lap letting you curl up in on him again letting you cry to him as he coo’d to you 

“Shh poor darling girl, talk to me bonnie, breath ts ok ‘m here for ye” 

[animatorweirdo]

Imagine trying to enjoy alone time in a tavern, but then ending up as the local therapist for an elf and his relatives.

Imagine trying to simply enjoy some alone time in a tavern, drinking some beverage, and minding your own business till you meet this one elf and  became regular chat buddies. Now, the relatives of this elf keep coming to the tavern to talk about their problems with you. 

Warnings: reader’s sanity gets tested. 

---------------------------------------------------------

Day 1

Maedhros: *Walks into the tavern, takes a seat, orders a drink, and slams his head against the table*

You: Now that sounds like someone is done with everyday life.

Maedhros: You have no idea. 

You: Which one for you, work or unbearable relatives?

Maedhros: Hmm?

You: Work or unbearable relatives? Sometimes it's the work that tires you out, but sometimes it’s the relatives– who do things that make you tick beyond measure. 

Maedhros: Hmm… both. Why would you like to know?

You: Just filling out boredom. Wanna have a drink? I can pay for you because you look like you need it. 

Maedhros: Well – that is nice of you. I am Maedhros. 

You: (Name)

After a week of meeting with Maedhros to shit talk about family, drink, and send each other off– not to be seen for another week. 

Maedhros: And yet again, I have to clean up after my brothers. 

You: Man, that sucks. 

Maedhros: Indeed. I have to go. It was nice talking to you. 

You: Bye. 

Maedhros: Farewell. 

Maedhros: *Walks out of the tavern after paying the bartender*

You: *Sits in silence, drinking*

Maglor: *Walks in and notices you*

Maglor: Excuse me? Are you (Name)?

You: Uuh – yeah? 

Maglor: I heard about you from my brother, Maedhros. He apparently likes to come here to talk and drink with you. 

You: And you are?

Maglor: I am Maglor.

You: Ah, the one that sings in the morning and never shuts up. 

Maglor: What?

You: Nothing! What do you want? 

Maglor: I will be honest. I need to relieve something out of my chest. And since Maedhros likes talking with you. I have been ha — *talks about his problems with his family*

You: *Staring at him, confused.*

You: Wha –?

Week 2

You: *Trying to enjoy peace after having talk sessions with both Maedhros and Maglor for a week. 

Caranthir: You!

You: Wah! What!

Caranthir: Are you (Name)?

You: uhm – yes? I’m sorry. Did I do something to piss you off?

Caranthir: No. Why would you think that?

You: You look angry. 

Caranthir: Well, I’m not. I am Caranthir. I heard about you from two of my brothers, Maedhros and Maglor. 

You: Oh, the grumpy one and the one that hoards all the gold?

Caranthir: What?

You: Nothing! What can I do for you?

Caranthir: I heard talking with you helps relieve stress and resolve problems. So, let me start –

You: And what if I don’t-

Caranthir: I will only talk about this once, so listen carefully. I am so done with my –*talks about his problems with his brothers and relatives and problems managing the money*

You: What?

Week 4

You: *Groaning while lying your head against the table*

Celegorm: You (Name)?!

You: What? Who — who are you two?!

Celegorm & Curufin: *sits on each side of you that you sat between them*

Celegorm: We belong to the same family as the rest of our dear brothers, who seem to like turning their backs on us in our time of need. 

You: That – doesn’t tell me anything. 

Curufin: His name is Celegorm and I am Curufin. 

You: Oh, The unhinged forest goblin and the cheap copy of dad?

Celegorm & Curufin: What?

You: Nothing! I assume you wanna talk and let something out of your chest too? 

Celegorm: Excellent! Then there is no need for an explanation. Let me tell you what kind of a rough week we had. 

Celegorm: I was planning good things for our people, but they kicked us out because apparently we were evil, and I tried to force myself upon Doriath’s princess. I was only trying to show I would be a better option than that mortal man. She even stole my dog! 

Celegorm: Can you believe that? And all people claim we’re the most problematic people in Beleriand. 

You: Didn’t you try to kill them, though?

Curufin: And my son doesn’t want to be my son anymore? Apparently, I disgusted him so much that he decided to disown himself. 

You: —what?

Week 6

You: *Groaning even harder after exhausting weeks of listening to the feanorians’ problems*

Fingon: Excuse me, are you by any chance (Name)?

You: Please, don’t tell me you’re one of Maedhros’s brothers!

Fingon: Oh no, I’m not.

You: – really?

Fingon: I’m his half-cousin!

You: dammit!

Week 8

Fingolfin: You must be (Name)

You: Huh?

Fingolfin: Okay, let me talk about my kids and those problematic nephews of mine. 

You: Sir? Do I know you?

Fingolfin: My kids don’t listen to me, and my half-brother’s kids just do anything they like, causing problems and being a bunch of ruffians. 

You: Sir? Sir? SIR?!

Week 14

Maedhros: Hey, (Name). Sorry, I have not been visiting for a while. I have been busy with work. 

Maedhros: (Name)?

You: *You sit up, shadows and bags in your eyes, exhausted and looking like you were going to break down at any moment*

Maedhros: (Name)! What happened? You look awful!

You: You – and the rest of your family need to find professional help.

[demigodsanswer]

THRICE 14

A kiss to the stomach [send a kiss]

[read thrice upon a pointe - au of an au]

cw for abortions. It's treated as a very normal decision for someone to make about their life and health.

Annabeth had noticed she was more tired than usual, and maybe a little nauseous. She just thought it was the stress of doing Swan Lake for the first time. Plus, they were still trying to figure out the exact right dosage and kind of anti-depressant for her.

A year ago, Sally had been the one to let her know it wasn't normal to cry all the time or to want to lay on the floor. She'd gotten Annabeth to a therapist and psychiatrist.

Sally was really the mother Annabeth never had.

So it made sense for Sally to ask about Annabeth falling asleep in the middle of her day off.

"You never nap," Sally said. Annabeth had gone to Sally's apartment to hang out with Estelle while Percy taught one of Miss Hestia's classes. She'd planned to go with him but she was still so tired from Swan Lake. "Are you feeling okay?"

Annabeth shook her head. "Honestly, I've felt a bit sick."

Sally made her peppermint tea before asking: "Has everything else been normal?" Annabeth looked at her, confused. "On time?"

"Oh!" Annabeth said catching on. "Yeah, it --" wait, what day was it? She'd gotten through the placebo pills in her birth control, but she had never actually started bleeding. That was almost two weeks ago.

"Oh dear," Sally said, as the horror unfolded on Annabeth's face.

"This isn't the right time," Annabeth said right away, as Sally pulled her in for a hug. She was only twenty-one. It was her first season as a principal. She wasn't taking a year off now. Not to mention she and Percy weren't ready! Oh, but he would be such a good dad, she thought. "We'll have kids one day," Annabeth said out loud to no one in particular, "just not now."

"That's okay," Sally promised. "Let's find out for sure first, and then we'll make a plan," she said. Annabeth nodded. She liked plans. Plans she could deal with.

~

Several drugstore tests and a call to Annabeth's gynecologist later, Sally and Annabeth had a pretty solid plan. Sally was good at reminding Annabeth the abortion was like any other health procedure just by the way she talked about. Sally said it all so casually, as if they were talking about a pap smear or something. And she never called it 'a baby' or asked Annabeth if she had any doubts. It helped.

Annabeth didn't have any doubts. If anything, she was anxious to get on it with it.

"Do you think Percy will be mad?" Annabeth asked finally. He'd be home soon.

Sally took her hand. "No sweetie. He loves you and will want you to do what's right for you in this situation."

No use in waiting. When Percy got back to Sally's for dinner, Annabeth just pulled in him into their old room. It was a guest room now, but it still felt a little bit like theirs. They'd lost their virginity in this room. So, this brought things a bit full circle.

"What's up?" Percy asked.

Annabeth should have thought through what she was going to say. If she had, maybe she wouldn't have simply blurted: "I'm having an abortion."

Percy's eyes went wide as he tried to process all the layers to that information. After a moment, his shoulders tensed and Annabeth panicked. But all he said was: "Oh my god, are you okay?" He rushed towards her. "I'm so sorry," he said brushing a bit of hair away from her face.

Annabeth relaxed a bit under his gentle touch, and just held her arms open for him to hug her. Once she had his arms around her, she started to cry.

"Are you okay with this?" She asked.

"Of course," he promised. "I'm a bit relieved you don't want to keep it. I'd be there for our family if you did but ..."

"No, it's not time yet," she said.

"Yeah," he agreed. "It was a pretty efficient way to tell me, I'll give you that."

A laugh broke through Annabeth's crying.

"So you're not mad at me?"

"Mad at you? Annabeth, you should be mad at me. I did this to you!" He said, still hugging her, now giving her a squeeze.

"I'm not mad at you!" She said, pulling back to look at this face. He looked so guilty, like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"And of course I'm not mad at you!" He promised back.

"So you don't think it's terrible, what I want?" Annabeth asked. She didn't think so; Sally didn't think so. But what if --

"No, of course not," he promised. "If it's making you feel bad and nervous, and making me nervous, then that's not our baby. That's just some parasite I infected you with."

"I do want your babies one day," Annabeth assured him.

"And we'll decide when we're ready to start, and when we're ready to stop. We're not ready to start yet. And that's okay."

Annabeth let out a sob, before burying her face in his chest. "What fucking planet did you come from? How are you so perfect?"

"Well," his voice cracked the way it always did when he was trying not to cry. "Well it's easy. Before I say anything I think: What would make Annabeth happy? And then I try to say that."

"It's working," she promised.

~

In the end, it was something they could just do at home. Sally offered to stay with them at their apartment, but Annabeth decided she wanted more privacy. If she had a normal job, she'd've been back to work in a day or two. But she had to take a week off to recover, doctor's orders. She felt bad for pulling out of performances, but it was nice to have a week to lay in bed and have Percy care for her every need.

The cramps did suck tho.

Percy pressed a kiss to her belly before resting the heating pad on it. "Can I get you anything?" He asked.

"Some ice cream and a cuddle would be perfect," she said.

"On it!" He was back in a flash with a big bowl and a spoon. Once she was in a comfy enough position to sit up and eat, he snuggled up to her side, pulling her in close.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"Relieved," she said. "Thanks for taking such good care of me."

"Of course, love," he said. "I feel a bit like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing honestly."

"Oh, that could be a fun little fantasy to explore once I'm back in commission," she said with a smile.

"Glad to see this isn't keeping you down for long," Percy said with a kiss to her forehead.

"I'm getting an IUD placed in a few days. We'll be set for eight years," she said with a smile.

"Do you think it will be eight years before --"

"God no, probably like ... six?"

Percy smiled. "Six sounds good."

[indigosunsetao3]

On this episode of things no one tells you that happen when you get to your thirties.

Tw: period, hormones, hormonal birth control, therapy, medical stuff, mental health stuff

This is purely my experience as a female in my mid-thirties. I am not trying to sway people one way or another. I’m not giving medical advice. I’m just sharing what happened to me because things like this aren’t talked about enough. And someone else may be going through this.

I had been on birth control since I was fourteen. I’m from the generation of “cramps?” Birth control. “moody?” Birth control. “Acne?” Birth control. “No issues at all but you’ve got a period?” Birth control. Basically anything ‘wrong’ with a teenage girl just give them birth control and they’ll hush up about it.

I never came off it until I was 33. Thirty. Three. Almost twenty years on the medication without a single break. Just changing from one brand or another as I got older. I was told I needed it, I had to have it. The doctors put fear into me of getting off it. Aside from getting pregnant being a risk (I don’t want kids, never have so this was a legit scary risk for me) they talked about so many other side effects. Like a heavy period that wouldn’t stop. Cysts (I have those anyway). Hair loss. I listened and I stayed on it.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

I came close to a mental break in 2021. I was having panic attacks, hair falling out in clumps, couldn’t eat, what I did eat I threw up. I had multiple tests done by all sorts of different doctors but everything was ‘normal’ and maybe I should think about losing some weight. Yet, not once was I asked about birth control or have my hormones tested. Birth control is just a standard for people my age I guess, no need to talk about it. Medical care for AFAB is fabulous.

All of this kept spiraling and getting worse thanks to my health anxiety. I was fairly certain I was dying, and that is not an exaggeration. My life was consumed with reading about illnesses, signs, symptoms, tests to take, specialists to see etc. I would take my blood pressure, temperature, pulse, blood oxygen level and count the hairs I lost multiple times a day. Then write it all down to obsess over and try to compare to see a pattern. Sure this would help me figure out what was happening. Not realizing it was making it ten times worse.

My husband was terrified for me and we had a very long conversation where he begged me to talk to someone.

So I started therapy.

And boy did that unlock a lot of stuff we don’t need to get into. And for a bit while working through things it got worse before it got better. But. By happy circumstance my therapist had a background in the medical field. Specifically hormones. Super specifically aided in the study of hormonal birth control on woman who had been on it long term. And one night birth control came up in conversation and we went down a rabbit hole.

Over a few weeks we worked together to get me off of it. To try and see if maybe stopping it would help. See if maybe my hormones were unbalanced as I got older and the hormones in the birth control were making it worse. We figured out safe sex practices (I’m monogamous and so is my husband…but the whole we don’t want kids thing). And after careful planning and consulting another doctor, I got off my birth control.

And when I say it was a whole new world after just six weeks I am not lying. Or exaggerating. My life completely changed.

The panic attacks stopped. I didn’t feel sick all the time. I could pull myself from my spiraling much faster and easier. The scary thoughts on a loop in my mind quieted from a constant shout, to an inside voice, to a whisper. Three months in my hair started coming back and not shedding. Six months I was enjoying food again and not force feeding myself because I felt sick eating it but I had to eat. A year later I got back into all my old hobbies, including reading which progressed to writing again.

My body still isn’t back to ‘normal’. I miss periods. I have extra long periods. I’m moody as fuck leading up to and on it. The fatigue is no joke. I get acne on my chin and back. Cramps can make me double over sometimes. The flow is heavy. I’ll get headaches that make my eyes feel like they’re being squeezed in a vice.

I never had any of this while on birth control. Twenty years with a period and I had no idea how my body actually worked on a period. What was my normal.

I’ve had to call my friend in a panic when I was bleeding heavy to have her assure me I was not dying. Or commiserate over the fucking breast pain (like wtf is this shit?). Or ask if it was normal to feel so exhausted you can’t move from the couch.

I still have anxiety. I am diagnosed with OCD, PTSD, Hypochondria and General Anxiety. I still deal with these issues every day, and I have bad days and worse days. But I also feel so much better.

And I am also well aware many people do need/want hormonal birth control. Some people need it to survive and function. Some people feel better with it than without it. Some people it works better for. Some people just want it. Any and all reasons are completely real and valid. I’m not bashing or judging people for taking it. I’m not saying birth control is evil, or bad. I’m not saying anyone needs to stop it or stopping it is a fix for everyone’s problems. This was just…my experience and it all started when I was about 30/31.

Anyway. I’m currently on said period, I’m exhausted and feeling very emotional and just…I wanted to share this in case the off chance it can help someone.

You aren’t alone.

And if I offended anyone with my own personal experience…sorry?

[elisysd]

Difficult - Gracie Abrams

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

To name this feeling Would take a hundred thousand years, some kind of grieving But over what I never had, so I've been speaking To my therapist, I call her every weekend

It was raining in Monaco when Lyanna logged on to Zoom with her Macbook and Sophia's face appeared on the screen. Lyanna could see that she was at her office, which was quite rare.

“Hey, gorgeous! So how is Monaco?”

“Gloomy.” Answered Lyanna trying to show her the downpour that was taking place at that moment.

“Nice. It reminds you of London, that way.”

“Believe it or not, but I was kind of used to the sun.”

“Who are you and what did you do to Lyanna Michel? I’ve never thought that I would hear you saying that. You hate when it’s hot outside.”

“Yeah well, people change.”

“Love changed you, in your case. Speaking of, where is lover boy?”

“With his physio. He has to make some physical tests to evaluate his condition and build a plan to get him back in shape for the new season.”

“I’m glad to hear that he is okay. Now maybe, you are going to come back home in London?”

A long silence followed. Lyanna had been thinking for a few weeks. She didn't really miss London, she didn't miss her flat either, she was working very well from Monaco and then she had Charles. When she thought about London and her potential return, a lump formed in her stomach and it made her feel sad.

“About that… I’m thinking of moving out.” She confessed.

“What? Where? Do you mean moving out of the flat or of London?”

“Well both… I haven’t thought this through but… I was thinking of getting something closer to Charles. Like Nice? I have to find a real estate agent. Monaco is way too expensive for me.”

“Or you could just straight up move in with Charles instead of getting something for yourself. You are basically living together, already.”

“It’s different. I’m here because Charles needed someone to help him. It did not feel like moving – moving you see what I mean? I still want my independence and Charles will be away most of the year. I don’t see myself living here on my own. I would feel like an intruder. And moving with someone is a big step. As much as I love Charles, I’m not ready for that. But anyway, what is the oh so secret project you wanted to talk to me about?”

Suddenly, Sophia's face lit up and Lyanna could see the excitement on her face. Lyanna knew that look well; it was the same one she had worn when she had told her that her name was being seriously considered for the Oscar nominations.

“I got a call at the end of last week from Michael Mann’s team. He is working on his next movie and they would really like to have you on board. I did not tell you sooner because I wanted to see by myself what the project would look like and if it’s something that could interest you. But Lyanna, this movie can be the one to give you the Oscar. I’m sure of it. It’s such a big project with an intention to be shown at the Venice’s Mostra. That’s how big it is.”

“Wow.. okay. Michael Mann is a legend. What is the movie about? Do you know if other people have been casted or contacted?”

“Adam Driver and Penelope Cruz have signed up for it from what I’ve been told. They are searching for their last lead actress. Lead actress Lya. Up for consideration for the Oscars. Can you imagine?”

“You still have not told me about the kind of movie.” Pointed out Lyanna.

“It’s a biopic about Enzo Ferrari.”

Across town, in a private gym, Andrea and a Ferrari doctor were putting Charles through a series of tests to see how he was doing. Overall, they were satisfied with the Monegasque, who not only showed good physical health, but also an excellent mental state. He was ready to face the new season and give it his all. It was as if his accident and forced rest had mentally rebooted him. All Charles wanted to do was get back into an F1 car as quickly as possible. In fact, Ferrari was planning to do so, to test him on track and also because it would make good photos to feed the Scuderia's official accounts.

“Yeah, I talked to Silvia about that. The PR team planned a whole program to show people that I’m alive and well.”

“What have they in store for you?” asked Andrea.

“An interview in my flat, in Monaco. They also want to shoot a video like a day in my life like kind of thing. And me at the factory. And I’m going to go the FIA prize giving ceremony. She did not ask me to go, I’m forced. And here I thought that I would have had a few weeks off before Christmas… And you know the best thing? They want to include Lya. They still have not given up on the idea. I mean, I want her by my side at the FIA ceremony that’s for sure. But during the video shoot? Not sure about that.”

“And no stupid Christmas challenge with Carlos?”

“Don’t get me started on that. They want us to have a competition of who is going to make the best gingerbread house.”

“You know how they are.” Tried to resonate Andrea with him.

“I don’t mind doing that. But I don’t want them to use my relationship. Especially when I can feel that it’s purely in a marketing way. I have to talk to Lya about it and see what she wants to do. If she is down for it why not, but I doubt it. But the worst thing is that I know that even if we both say no, they are still going to do it so we might as well try to do what they want and have a little bit of control over it.”

When Charles returned to the flat in the late afternoon, it was almost dark. The living room was dimly lit and he found Lyanna, with a cup of tea in her hands, staring out of the window. Charles wondered what she could see: it was pouring rain and there wasn't much visibility.

“Hey, love. What are you staring out?”

She let out a long sigh and shrugged her shoulders, which worried Charles. She didn't look too good. He knew she'd had a telephone appointment with Sophia earlier in the day and wondered if that was the reason for her distant behaviour. He put his sports bag down in the entrance hall and walked over to her, holding her by the waist. If she usually let herself go naturally against him, this time he felt her stiffen. 

“Everything’s okay?” insisted Charles.

She freed herself from his arms and went into the kitchen to empty her cup and rinse it. Charles had the impression that she was trying to avoid him and he hated that feeling, reminding him of moments in their relationship that he would like to leave in the past.

“Lyanna?” he tried to get her attention as he followed her.

“I’m not in the mood for talking, Charles.” She finally decided to speak to him.

“Did I do something wrong? If it's because I left the toilet seat up again, I'm sorry, I'm trying to be careful.”

“Not everything revolves around you, Charles.” she replied sharply.

“So… I did something wrong.”

“For fuck’s sake, I told you I didn’t want to talk about it, so please drop it!”

Charles felt unsettled, it had been a while since he'd had an argument and he had to admit that he didn't miss it at all. He could see that something was tormenting Lyanna, he wasn't blind. The only logical conclusion he could come to, if it wasn't his fault, was the video call with Sophia.

“Did something happen with your work?”

The fact that Lyanna stopped dead in her tracks as she headed for the bedroom made him realise that he had been right. The young woman turned back and sat down on the sofa, where Charles joined her.

“A biopic about Ferrari is about to be shot and they want me onboard as a lead. It’s a huge project and probably Oscar worthy.” She said bluntly.

“What? Lyanna, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you! If you need help to prepare, I can find archives and…”

“I said no.”

“What do you mean you said no?” asked Charles, confused.

“They don’t want me. They want Charles Leclerc’s girlfriend.” She explained with tears in her eyes.

“Come on Lya, you know it’s not true…”

The young woman stood up abruptly, startling Charles.

“Don’t be stupid Charles! I think it’s pretty convenient to be called for this movie not so long after we made our relationship public!”

“Or they think you are talented and deserve to be part of it, Lya.”

“Do you know how humiliated I felt? Do you have the slightest idea? No of course you don’t. My career is what matters the most to me. I worked my ass off to be where I am today, to feel deserving of it. And it’s still feels like it’s a big dream and that I will wake up at any minute. When I understood why they wanted me, it was like all my work, my blood, sweat and tears, all of that was for nothing. I didn’t feel like Lyanna Michel, the actress. I felt like Lyanna Michel, Charles Leclerc’s girlfriend and actress. And it hurt. So bad. I felt robbed.”

“I’m so sorry, Lya… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have anything to say. It is what it is. But I can’t accept to make a movie like this. I would wake up every day wondering if I stole someone’s place. And I would end up hating you because of that, and that’s the last thing I want.”

“I still think you should take time to think this through, maybe talk with the people involved.”

“There is nothing to talk about. My decision is final and I’m asking you to respect it. I should not even have said something, it was stupid you don’t understand. You can’t understand.”

“I understand! Truly, I do! But it’s something that we could have sorted out together, instead you preferred to do things on your own. I don’t to be an obstacle to your career, Lya. I want to see you succeed.”

“It’s my career Charles. I can do whatever the hell I want! I don’t interfere in yours so please don’t interfere in mine!”

“How do I interfere? Tell me? I don’t because you never talk to me.”

“What is the point? You know who could understand me? Arthur. He knows what it feels like to be associated to you and how painful it can get.”

It was a low blow for Charles.

“Don’t bring Arthur into it, please.” He told her with a serious tone.

“Why shouldn’t I? Have you ever wondered how he could feel? To always be in your shadow, to be compared to you? I never thought that it would be something that I would one day experience but here we are.”

“You are being dramatic. Really. It’s just a movie, Lya? Why are we fighting?”

“It’s deeper than just a movie. It’s about my place in your life. It’s about balance. How would you feel if tomorrow you would get a sponsorship with a brand because you were my boyfriend?”

“I would be proud!”

“Let me doubt that.”

“Listen… I’m tired and I’m stressed out. And obviously we are both stubborn about it and fighting is pointless. I’m going to go to bed.”

Seeing the young woman heading for the guest room rather than their bedroom, Charles questioned her.

“I don’t feel like being near you, right now.”

This hurt Charles; it felt like his heart was being torn in two. He spent an absolutely horrible night, tossing and turning all the time. And when he got up the next morning with the firm intention of having a frank and calm discussion with his girlfriend in order to find a solution, he had the impression that it was no longer his heart that had been torn in two, but his soul. She was gone.

========

author's note: It's always one step forward and three steps back between this two. I'm curious, where do you think Lyanna went? Is he gone for good? Is she just out for a walk? Who knows (me I know) Let me know your thoughts and theories, I can't wait to hear them. As usual, a like, a reblog, a comment help giving visibility to the story and it supports the author! taglist:

@zendayabelova @purplephantomwolf @ru-kru @dakotali @blueflorals @aundercover @ruleroftheuniverse @fangirlika @writerscurse @elijahmikaelsonbitch @leclerc13 @karmabyfernando @stargaryenx @pitlanebabe @boiohboii @reengard

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[hypergamiss]

Why do you think it is narcissistic mothers are so invasive, and love to argue?? I live at home because I unfortunately cannot afford to be on my own because I don’t make enough…she is constantly wanting to argue with me and when I try to defuse it and say she’s right or say “okay” she wants to argue and escalate it more to where I am so upset and yelling…then she goes “why’re you yelling…” as if she didn’t lead it to come to that point even after I said I didn’t want to argue and that she was right?! Oh and she pretends she wasn’t yelling at all prior…it’s just getting awful and don’t understand how someone can have it in them to argue all the time….. She was cleaning my room to and found pregnancy tests …wanted to know all about it saying “it’s gross” kept asking invasive questions as to who I have been with and all that…i said to her “really you think that’s appropriate to ask me about, then proceed to want to know about it make comments and think I owe you information??” And honestly, I’m not sure she is a narcissist? but she makes me feel awful and like I can never be too close to her or tell her anything because I feel with her it’s “all or nothing”….any input?

Living with a parent who exhibits invasive and argumentative tendencies can be incredibly challenging, especially when coupled with financial constraints that prevent independent living. This becomes even more complex when the parent figure is a mother, as societal expectations often paint mothers as nurturing and supportive figures. So, why do some mothers behave in such a contrary manner?

While it's important to avoid self-diagnosing or labeling others, certain behaviors might align with narcissistic personality traits. Narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, and a need for admiration and control.

Invasive Behavior:

Lack of Boundaries: Narcissists often struggle with respecting boundaries, as they see others as extensions of themselves. Prying into personal matters, offering unsolicited advice, and making decisions on behalf of others are common manifestations of this trait.

Need for Control: Information is power, and for a narcissist, knowing intimate details about your life can be a tool for exerting control. It allows them to manipulate situations, offer "help" that serves their own agenda, and maintain a sense of superiority.

Argumentative Tendencies:

Inability to Accept Criticism: Narcissists often see disagreements as personal attacks, leading to defensive and argumentative behavior. This is fueled by their fragile sense of self-worth, which requires constant validation.

Gaslighting: Narcissists may twist narratives, deny their own actions, and make you question your own perceptions. This can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, and even doubting your sanity.

Need for Attention: Arguments can be a way for narcissists to draw attention to themselves, even if it's negative. The emotional turmoil they create ensures that they remain the center of focus.

"All or Nothing" Dynamic:

Narcissists often struggle with maintaining healthy relationships due to their black-and-white thinking. You're either idealized or devalued, there's no in-between. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and a reluctance to share personal information, as you fear being judged or exploited.

What Can You Do? What is my input?

Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and consistently enforce them, even if it leads to conflict.

Limit Personal Information: Share only what you're comfortable with, and don't feel obligated to divulge details that feel invasive.

Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about your experiences. This can provide emotional validation and help you develop coping strategies.

Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. This will help you build resilience and maintain your well-being.

Make some Plans: Depending on your situation, you might want to make plans to put yourself in a better financial position to live independently. If you have exhausted your efforts and decide that you really need to leave, start by researching areas with lower cost of living as possibilities to move to. Calculate what your monthly living expenses would be in potential areas. Seek better job opportunities, side hustles, and any opportunities that will make you extra income. You never know what will end up working out for you and its better to have explored options than be stuck. At the very least, have some emergency money saved up. Manifest a new reality for yourself.

Remember, you are not responsible for your mother's behavior, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself. Focus on setting boundaries, creating backup plans, seeking support, and prioritizing your own mental health.

[kawaiichibiart]

Matagot AU

In case anyone wants to know where this started:

Not sure how far I'm going to get into this AU, but I figured some of y'all would be interested. So... :)

First thing ya gotta know, I never plan for any ship in the lovesquare to be the end goal. Just not my thing, I don't like it. And in all honesty, whenever I think of the Matagot AU, I don't see any romantic relationships developing. Purely platonic friendship and familial love.

Because he knows he can change the way his costume look, it'd easy for Adrien to change his appearance to ensure no one makes a connection between Chat Noir and Matagot. The only reason Ladybug can is because of the bond they've developed and her knowing his identity.

↑ Unfortunately, despite them having revealed themselves, it wasn't the happy moment they both wished for.

And while some would have argued for Ladybug to take back the cat miraculous, seeing as Monarch was dead, she didn't want to. Even if she did, she wouldn't be able to.

There are many ways kwamis bond with their holders. Stories of "true holders" have circled around for centuries, people who had been "destined" to wield a certain miraculous. But the reality is that those so called "true holders" actually formed a sort of soul bond with their kwamis. A special connection between the two that added some additional protection to them and the miraculous. One of which is only they can remove the miraculous.

Plagg formed one with Adrien shortly before Monarch made his first appearance, and Tikki planned on forming one with Marinette but could never find the right time to bring it up.

Of course things aren't easy at first. Trauma aside, Adrien has a lot of trust issues and things he's internalized. As I mentioned in the linked post, people wanted someone to blame because Gabriel was dead. And who better than his son? A lot of blame was shoved on to Adrien to the point where things that were unrelated to Monarch and people being akumatized were also blamed on him: You got fired? It's Adrien's fault. Your significant other left you? It's Adrien's fault. You got expelled? It happened because of Adrien. You were robbed? Failed a test? Broke your grandma's favorite vase? It's all Adrien's fault. It happened enough that he began to internalize it and now feels like he has to apologize for literally everything. Because it's all his fault, right?

*Catwoman entering the Batcave with Matagot, each with a smoothie* Nightwing:...what ya got there, Catwoman? Catwoman: a smoothie

Bruce and Selina definitely get into "minor" arguments about her taking in a boy and teaching him how to break into places and steal.

Honestly, it's kinda fun not having to be hero in Gotham. Chat Noir and Catwalker were both heroes. Matagot isn't. Vigilante, anti-hero, either works. Maybe people back in Paris would question it. But, he can't really find himself caring. He will feel bad if it reflects badly on Ladybug though. He's not gonna stop but he'll feel bad.

Personal therapist Harley Quinn, most of their "therapy" sessions is just breaking shit with bats. Sometimes they're joined by Jason /Red Hood. Don't tell Bruce/Batman.

When Marinette makes her way to Gotham, it's part of a school trip that students had to pay for. The trip was divided so some students went to Gotham and some went to Metropolis. The reason she chose Gotham over Metropolis was because she had been visited by Wonder Woman.

Originally, Diana planned to train Marinette herself, but after learning that the holder of the cat miraculous ran away, she told her she'd help her get in touch with her friend, Batman. If anyone can help her find Adrien, it's him and his team. And, if she's willing, she'll talk him into giving her more training. With that, Marinette decides she's heading to Gotham.

Adrien avoids his old classmates and friends like the plague when they arrive. While they didn't really do anything, some of them did participate in blaming him for everything. If he sees one of the few he fully trusts is alone, he might talk to them. Might.

[didnt-hear-cold-as-you-live]

do you have any tips for Americans looking to move to Australia?

yes! under the cut because this is LONG.

there are 3 ways you can get citizenship here; via skilled occupations, school, or a WHV.

Skilled Occupations. If you google "Australia skilled occupations list", a list of them should come up. Basically, order to gain citizenship here, you need to score 30 points on a 40 point test; having different abilities gains you more points etc. You gain and lose points for things like being a native English speaker, being between 27 and 35 (this is the age range worth the most points; they go down on either side as you'll "contribute" most to society if you arrive between those ages), but you almost 100% for sure cannot score enough points to pass if you don't have a skilled occupation. They update this list every so often, but if you're not going via the other 2 options I'm about to list, you'll have to get a "non sponsored" one off here. It includes everything from plumbing to nursing to pilates instructor, etc. more trade-based stuff but there's some random shit in there. you have to have proven qualifications that you can do this job, and experience with this job in the US. You get additional points, and way more jobs are added in, if you agree live in a remote area when arriving to Australia for 3 years. If you get this with a regular skilled occupation, you get approved for the visa and then can find a job after. There are also "sponsored" occupations on this list, with WAY more job options, where you get an employer first and then the employer co-signs on the visa, but you will likely not get one of those without one of the following:

Working Holiday Visa. This is what I'm on! A working holiday visa (462 is the visa type for Americans, not to be confused with the way more lax 417 for British people) entitles people under the age of 32 (you have to apply before your 31st birthday and then have one year to enter the country) to work in Australia for 1 year, theoretically to supplement your traveling [I am not traveling]. If you spend 88 days of this year working in hospitality in a remote area [basically, the middle of the outback or the far north tropics] or on a produce farm anywhere, that 1 year gets extended to a 2nd year. If you spend 6 months of the 2nd year doing that type of work, you get extended to a 3rd year. The 2nd and 3rd years don't have to be redeemed right away; you can go home for a couple months or years in between if you want. So what one would do, if they're after citizenship, is spend the first year living and working here to build connections, do the farm work, and spend your 2nd year acquiring a SPONSORED job from the skilled occupations list! I have known people who are sponsored by their employers as a massage therapist, as a nail tech, as a bar manager, etc. You can also do it with 9-5 type jobs; Graphic Design is on the sponsored skilled occupation list, and that's the pipeline I have been seeking to go down since I planned this out.

Student Visa. this is the hardest of the 3 just because it's the most expensive. I almost did this one with an actual degree when I was 18 because at that point I was about to be spending a shitload on school anyway, but I chickened out. Something worth noting is that you can go to school for ANYTHING and be eligible for this, so a lot of people with no other options will go for the cheapest trade course they can find a class for and do that. Anyways, on a student visa you're allowed to work 20 hours a week during the time you are in school, and then have a 9 month grace period after you complete your course where you can 40 hours a week before you have to go back home. Similarly, you would use this grace period to find an employer willing to sponsor you.

Get married. If you can't find a job on a student or WHV for sponsorship, I guess just find a husband.

hope this helps and isn't just telling you stuff you already know! my main tip is that you have to be IN the country to get a less-skilled sponsorship, so I would either REALLY say you're gonna do it, and start a career in one of the skilled ones in option 1, or just get on over here on a WHV or student visa and figure the rest out as you go :)

[archivalofsins]

Amane gives one dude a pep talk and suddenly she's Milgram's on call therapist-

22/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: Ahh…… I’m not wrong…… I wasn’t doing anything wrong…Shut up, why are you going on an on about something so minor……It has nothing to do with you……Aaahhh……

Amane: Oh, were you talking to yourself, Futa-san? Or maybe there’s something there you’re able to see?

Futa: ……! O-oh, it’s just you. It’s nothing. ……but well, on that note. Hey. Don’t you have anything happening too? Since being in here, just suddenly getting anxious. Feeling as though loads of people are all there condemning you, telling you- you were wrong.

Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about, but I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either…… ……today is your birthday, correct? I’ll pray for God to keep you under his care.

Amane actively checks on Futa who is having a hard time due to his verdict. This conversation notably has a positive impact.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behavior?

Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there I'm just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand.

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand?

Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It��s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

"And furthermore- This may be outside of my profession, but her mental health is deteriorating as well. Both their minds and their bodies are at their limits." - "I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand."

People assumed that lending Shidou a hand meant helping with the other prisoners physical care but mental health is important in regards to the healing process as well. Given Amane's background and commitment to her beliefs if she just spoke to the other prisoners that could be a big emotional help. Something that was already alluded to with Futa who she chose to talk to.

Unlike Mahiru someone Amane has been avoiding outside of giving that warning.

22/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Mahiru: My birthday…… the day I was born…… But was there really any reason for me being born? Lately I’ve started to wonder that. Do you ever think about stuff like that, Yuno-chan?

Yuno: Eh? Not really. I mean, Mahiru-san, you’re really the romantic type, right? Not that I have anything against that. But isn’t it a bit much to think that everything in life has a meaning? If it makes you happy to think like that then go ahead, but if it doesn’t, then isn’t that in itself meaningless?

Mahiru: : ……you might be right. I’ve always just lived my life like this, so I don’t really know.

Yuno: We’ve all just gone through a bunch of things in life that happened to lead us here. It’s nothing more than a coincidence. Definitely not fate or anything. Probably. Even if there isn’t a meaning, you can still be happy that it’s your birthday. That sort of thing’s all you need in life really. So happy birthday, Mahiru-san.

22/09/02 (Yuno’s Birthday)

Mahiru: ……no, I’m fine. As long as I don’t move too much I don’t even feel any pain. Sorry for making you worry.

Yuno: Oh, really? That’s good then. Mahiru-san, if there’s anything you want then just ask. It’s not like it’s a huge burden, I can just ask for it along with my own stuff.

Mahiru: Ok…… I’m fine for now. Sorry, for making you worry. Ah, Yuno-chan…… Today’s your birthday, right? Happy birthday.

Yuno: ………… Haha, thanks. Thank you, but y’know. Is it really ok for you to be saying that to me when you’re in that situation? ……you really aren’t suited for Milgram, huh, Mahiru-san.

From today's timeline interaction we can gather that she's begun avoiding Yuno as well. Someone who has been spending a lot of time with Mahiru, is implied to be actively caring for her, and may have gotten her the wheelchair.

23/06/27 (Amane's Birthday)

Amane: What is it… Kashiki Yuno. Don't go out of your way to sit close to me. Go away.

Yuno: It's a shame you've started feeling that way, but Mahiru's finally fallen asleep. Have a chat with me while I have a break- Oh hey, on the subject, Amane do you think it would be better to have not been born? I'm lucky I can still sort of have a good time, but it seems you're more troubled. I wonder, what do you think?

Amane: I don't think so. To be born into this world is the first miracle that must be rejoiced at. No matter how much suffering comes afterwards it won't lose its value.

Yuno: Hmm, well, happy birthday, I'm not sure how to put it, but I'm glad you were born safely.

Instead of taking these thoughts to any of the other prisoners Yuno actively approaches Amane with this topic. Projecting her own feelings and what she's seen of Mahiru's onto Amane who swiftly denies the thought. Not just Mahiru's thought on if there was any special reason behind her being born but Yuno's that there is no meaning.

Quickly going the meaning was simply being born at all regardless of what a person goes through in life that will never change the fact that was a miracle. A simple but poignant answer that only someone like Amane a person of unwavering belief, could give. An answer that Yuno is incredibly thankful for as her response to it is to literally say Happy Birthday and I'm glad you were born.

Long story short Yuno's Innocent verdict has been making her depressed. Plus, the fact that instead of confiding in any prisoner older than her or even near her age she actively went to the child with such a heavy topic says a lot.

[pupintransit]

I'll be real with you, this has been a rough couple of weeks.

A general theme with what I write about is not romanticizing gender affirming surgery. Yes I feel better about what I see in the mirror, and I vastly prefer how my vulva feels on my fingertips over my penis and testes, but that doesn't mean everything has been a positive experience. Quite the opposite in fact! You can research and mentally prepare for the pain and agony all you want, but nothing can truly prepare you for actually going through the motions.

We'll start off with what's been most pressing on my mind. I can't cum. Oh sure, masturbation feels better and I'm sure I'm still physically capable of climaxing, but I can't seem to get there. It's... troubling to say the least. Folks I know who had surgery at the same time as me or after, with the same surgeon mind you, have already climaxed at least once before. When's my turn? Who knows! What I do know is that my clit hurts if I don't touch it right and I have too much irritated tissue at the front of my canal to feel comfortable trying dildos or vibrators. I suppose I should be optimistic that I had sensation as early as week 5, but that doesn't necessary help my mood at all.

Instinctively I know that everyone heals at different rates, and maybe if I try to cum with penetration rather than my clit I'll actually get there. I"ll be seeing my nurse later this week so I'll be able to quiz her about if my clit is ready for showtime yet, and if it's safe to try sex toys. But this goes back to understanding something academically vs. viscerally. I am going through the motions of healing, I knew that regaining sexually function would be a challenge and I was ok with that pre-op. I'm less ok with it post-op. It's hard to internalize being patient with myself, but it's really easy to internalize that I'm falling behind in my healing. My old therapist would be furious with me.

Next problem? I have a UTI. Again. As in, not even two weeks after my last one. You ever have the urge to piss battery acid every fortnight? Then I wouldn't suggest contracting UTIs. I don't 100% know how I got the things but I have a few theories, and from now until the end of time I'm gonna stock my fridge with cranberry juice. What's extra fun is that this most recent UTI happen the week after my infected hematoma finally cleared up. If we include the meds i left the hospital with, this is the 4th course of antibiotics I've been on since my surgery. I'm just shy of seven weeks post-op, so this is averaging about one infection on my genitals every two weeks. And they fucking hurt.

Oh also i can't sit down for longer than 45 minutes before i start to fiercely ache. That's not due to the UTI, it's my stupid ass body healing slower than a star dying out.

Folks, if you're considering lower surgery then I'd urge you to plan for post-operative depression and gather a support network to help you through how you're feeling. This kind of regretful feeling is normal, and despite everything I've done to prepare for it and counteract it I've still found myself in the thick of it. My cock and balls never hurt like this, never got infected. I seldom had difficulty orgasming. I catch myself wanting to rewind time and stop myself from doing this every few days. I truthfully don't miss having those body parts but I miss not hurting all the time, and it's difficult to separate those concepts. You'll probably go through similar emotions if you decide to do this too, but you'll be ok in the end. Stay strong, keep realistic expectations, and lean on your support networks.

And once you do come back and tell me what your secret is because i have really been struggling to do all that.

[manicallyrhapsodical]

4:04 AM

i think everyone has a right to create a crappy blog filled with the musings inspired by late-night thoughts and worries. i’ve never cashed in on that right. it wasn’t until i sat thinking about whether or not it could be considered manic for me to make a blog, a tumblr account for the said blog, and an opening article at 4:04 am that i decided to jump into the world of the “writer’s blog.”

i’m someone who doesn’t intend to stay up late to do things. i plan when i’ll go to bed, complete my night-time routine early, and get in bed at a decent time almost every night. however, i inevitably find myself sitting up between the world of being wide awake and feeling like i could crash the second i let it happen. i stay up late and enjoy the free time that being up at 2 am with me, myself, and i grants.

when i was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, i remember both my therapist, the psychiatrist, and the medical professional who diagnosed me all telling me how important it was that i got my sleep. on my official “test results,” one of the 9 recommendations for how to move forward with my official diagnoses was to read and study how to sleep better and to implement the practices learned. my psychiatrist mentions every time we meet the importance of getting sleep so as not to trigger a manic episode. my therapist has me take check-in quizzes before we meet each time to report on various things, one of which includes how my sleep is, to estimate what my mental state is before i go in. 

yet without fail, at least once a week, i stay up past the “allowed” time frame i’ve given myself. if i’m being honest with myself, it tends to happen more than once a week, but you won’t catch me admitting that to anyone out loud. 

being up late gives me freedom i don’t always have during the day and serves me for both the better and the worse. i read books and dig deep into researching topics i’ve meant to get around to. i plan my week and how i’ll fit everything into their neat little slots. i tidy up my to-do lists and organize everything from my email to how my photo albums are categorized. labels are added, the excess is deleted, and wants and needs are fulfilled.

on the other hand, i’ll spend hours scrolling through reddit forums, seeing if anyone has experienced the crushing guilt i’m now feeling from mistakes long ago made and how they got over it. i sit and stalk people from my past, silently reprimanding myself for not being farther along in life. i google the feelings and thoughts i’ve been having to see if that’s a potential trigger warning for a manic episode. i listen to a guided meditation to see if it’s strong enough to break me out of the anxiety attack i inevitably bring upon myself.

eventually, i can no longer stay awake, either because i feel slightly ill because of my increasingly frequent sleep deprivation or because i talk myself down off the ledge of seeing just how long i can stay up. when the morning comes, my two hours of sleep never feel like a worthwhile trade for all the good i did in the early hours of the morning. 

i wonder if i’ll feel the same when i wake up this morning to a new hobby on the side, all pristine and ready for me to partake in. guess we’ll find out.

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

I know I don't post a ton of personal stuff on here these days (ah, the joy of having irl friends! Tumblr need no longer be my journal lol) but for some reason I feel compelled to share this, so here you are:

After a couple years of wondering, I decided to really buckle down and do some research--take some psychometric and diagnostic tests, learn about the experiences of those who have been late diagnosed, and do a lot of vulnerable self reflecting--and I've started to accept that I think I may be autistic. (My brother has been telling me this for a while, but I kind of ignored it, because the one time I brought it up to my therapist, she shut it down pretty quickly because I also had trauma. I'm now beginning to wonder if my C-PTSD diagnosis was really just a misdiagnosis...but I did really have trauma, so who knows. Maybe I have both.)

I'm planning on pursuing this further this summer, when I have more time (yay being a teacher!) and can really lean into the process. The area I live in apparently has some really good resources for adult diagnosis and support, which is encouraging. And although I can't shake the lingering fear that I might be wrong and "I'm just weird because I'm messed up," the more research I do the more I feel it might be a real possibility. At least one worth getting formally evaluated.

There are a lot of reasons I think this, which are too personal and numerous to go into here, but yeah--I just wanted to let y'all know. Not entirely sure why, this just feels like the right spot to say it.

And I think Spock would be proud of me. :)