#damn maybe i can get over someone
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Listen to my dilemma

So im finally seeing my love next week however THE FUCKING PROBLEM IS
That HE is still in the fucking picture

Like please im seeing my beautiful treasure and I CANNOT be wishing to seeing ateez when these bitches never fucking set foot outside their fucking continent

How do i get over someone I has unrequited love for?
I think I need help
He might be of help

But i need him to come over right the fuck now

Like bae im seeing you next week please help me get over them all <3
#its late and im tired#i work tomorrow#please let me breath#please i cant take this anymore#pretty pleaaaase#choi hyunsuk#treasure hyunsuk#hyunsuk treasure#hyunsuk#my manz#hes so cute#hes so silly#hes so hot#i love this man#damn maybe i can get over someone#god of unrequited love#please let me die#so i can find it later#find him somewhere#send help#like major royal capital help#but with a twist#because i have free will#hes mine#what can i say#bias list#i call dibs#so hot and sexy#my love hyunsuk
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Bioware made a mistake bringing Isabela back for da4 because like hell she wouldn't tell the entire da2 crew about what's happening with Solas which means they'd all show up ready to curb stomp him about Varric. Even moreso if hawke was left in the fade. That's two of their number down because of this fucker. Also Merrill should get to deck him specifically while also being like "what, like it's hard?" about fixing the eluvian that was blighted and cost her two of her closest childhood friends (potentially), her place in her clan, and her home. Again, going back far enough, because of him.
I just miss them š„ŗ
#dragon age#da4 spoilers#i say this as someone who likes solas too but like...my dude ..no#i just want the da2 crew back together and if that means i dig out my old game and ancient fanfics to refresh my brain about them#then so be it#but seriously merrill should have been in this one. she deserves to flip off the 'gods'#do i want to write foc for my rook? yes. but i also want to write about my hawke and crew during this whole mess xD#which means rook can be like damn isabela why'd they let you have TWO spirit healer friends and i don't get a dedicated healer at all :(#and hawke can give sage advice for dealing with a husband possessed by a spirit.#that's only slightly salty justice took so long to think ok maybe she's not *that* bad when spite's like JUST KISS ALREADY about rookanis xD#imagine if anders was at weishaupt though. or in lavendel in the aftermath. he could help teach flynn healing. they could save more people#and fenris could and would kick venatori ass. and merrill would know so much about ancient elven stuff. where are they?!!#also the game says the blight ran over the freemarches but uh...bioware nevarra is sort of part of those.....#you're telling me nevarra just got more hauntings than normal but the freemarches got wiped off the map? make it make sense#i have thoughts and opinions but i did genuinely enjoy da4 so i am saying this mostly affectionately
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thinking about ch0mpkin's evil evbo post (evilbo, if you will) and going "How can I align this with My Interests (the axes)" and the answer is Very easily actually
#thoughts in tags.....#when the cookie crumbles#pciv#pvp civilization#you know. evbo leaving behind everything he knows for his friend and going along with The Plan#constantly telling himself its for the greater good its for the greater good#but the longer he goes on the worse it gets#and both tabi and clown force him to stop diagetically monologuing somehow because otherwise he'll blow their cover#so he just gets quieter and quieter and withdraws more and more#to the point where even tabi is thinking like ādamn maybe i Should've killed him in sword civ...ā but he's here now#another thing is i think evbo would 100% buy and sneak another video journal machine out and when tabi finds out she Flips Her Lid#clown is less concerned because he wasn't With them so he doesn't know like tabi does that he spends So Much Time On This Shit#not knowing that (like minute said) video journaling is the biggest reason evbo is able to take in so much new info and maintain himself#and if they straight up take it away from him he's going to get Even Worse#i think clown doesn't see it as much of an issue despite tabi's major objections because he'd literally be talking about their plan On Air#and that tape goes somewhere and is Seen by someone (plus if someone else sees their cover is gone cuz video journals are sword only)#but in his eyes that means the only people who will ever see it are the diamond swords in their ivory tower who can't leave anyways#so why worry? if anything it shows them what they're (the axes) doing to their (the swords) little golden boy and they can't stop it#another thing i thought about is that they would definitely hold killing evbo over his head like. Constantly#and evbo's fear of dying isn't the same because he never died to tabi's axe so he doesn't know zam is waiting for him (which is also funny)#so instead it takes a spin of tabi saying āill kill you and let you respawn in sword civ and you'll stay there with your regretsā#because even if zam Wasn't still waiting for him he kinda ditched the diamond swords so uh... kinda lost your sense of kinship there#a-NOTHER point of interest: guardfriend#since guards can access all civilizations they'd definitely want to take advantage of his connections and relation with evbo#especially since unless evbo spills the beans he most likely wouldn't know the eternal sword was taken and tabi is the one who took it#let alone that she (and clown by extensionā but to throw off suspicion he doesn't show up around guard) is a natural born axr#so they can defo use what trust those two have to get places easier#but if he ends up getting in the way... [makes a chopping gesture across my throat]#could even do it in Front of evbo as an example of what happens to those who stand between them and their mission#holy shit this is the first time ive ever hit 30 tags. wtf
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as of ten minutes ago we are officially Joblessā¢ļø. my sign to retire early and devote the remainder of my existence to writing toxic old man yaoi
#pennforyourthoughts#personal#someone rb this with silly tags i feel it deserves some levity#warning: novel-length tags lmfao#THEY TOLD ME TODAY MY LAST DAY IS FRIDAY? that's only two whole workdays for me HELLO??#knew it was coming bc they let my friend go two weeks ago and he had more seniority than me but jfc#at least let me ride out the contract till november. WHY. i JUST went back to uni i need money goddamn it#full disclosure tho i haven't been able to stop laughing bc so much of the surrounding circumstances are insanely funny to me#1) i was LITERALLY at a job fair yesterday and I almost considered not going bc I was so damn tired#surprisingly made some really great connections so ty universe now i have people to poke in the coming months#2) i switched from part time to ft course load at the last second and have been regretting it ever since but if im to be unemployed then#MAYBE now I can actually handle the uni workload :D#3) when my boss called me she asked how ive been and i told her i was sooo sick last week and got into a car accident#that same day omw back from uni (universal karma for skipping class for my health ig)#THE WAY SHE PAUSED ON CALL IS SO FUNNY IN RETROSPECT. was prolly thinking fuck. now i have to add to this#she literally went āomg im so sorry...anyways i have bad newsā#im not even lying when i say i was GIGGLING through that whole call she was so concerned#love her bc she genuinely tried to fight for me and is the reason i wasn't let go two weeks ago but man. the timing is impeccable#also don't think i get any unemployment benefits bc i was temp contract and my situation as a whole is a bit complicated so YAY :DDD#the way i ran to my bestie to spill the tea & we're over here like š¤ fired buddies š¤ time to speed run job interviews while juggling uni
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Iām actually so upset over the grimmons resolution Iām tempted to start a YouTube channel and make a whole video breakdown of their fucking queerbait
#Iām saying this as someone who didnāt start shipping them until THIS YEAR#Theyāve always kinda just been in the background to me until I was doing my rewatch and was like#hey wait#add onto their little series where they go over YouTube comment#and they literally call out their own ship name and grif has that moment where he clearly values Simmons and their time together#and then in restoration you have that ācome with meā moment#which was amazing I loved it#but for what??#grif clearly only helped Simmons fight the meta because thatās what Simmons wanted to do#grif did not give a shit about what sarge wouldāve done#but because Simmons was staying behind to fight he did to#HELLO?#this is never said explicitly but is clearly the case#the meta throwing grif onto Simmons okay#come on now#and just for what?#I understand and in part agree with what people are saying about how they both got what they wanted from the beginning#grif always wanted to leave#Simmons always wanted to be a leader#sure I get that. but sometimesā¦character development exists#and one or both of them can realize that their desires change or arenāt right for them#idk maybe Iām just coping but god damn#rvb#rvb restoration#rvb19#grimmons#rvb grif#rvb simmons#red vs blue
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trying to finish reading dungeon meshi now that it's done and just seeing everyone in the comments talking about ships. gun to my head
#ofc anytime someone says they ship smth straight someone has to be like 'ermmmm labru and farcille are better' like. not to me.... sorry#i actually do like farcille but people are so annoying about it acting like it's 'essentially canon' that it puts me off.#tbf that why i dislike a lottttt of ships LMAO not that i'm in the habit of caring abt it too much in most media#but sometimes it just really annoys me liiike laios and marcille have just as much ship tease as farcille (if not more)#but they couldn't get naked and go in the bath together so it doesn't count ig#tbf i'm not even huge on any ships except maybe fleki and lycion. i love when two equally weird ppl love each other#also like. they already had someone in the story who was head over heels for falin and i'm pretty sure shuro and marcille act nothing alike#when it comes to her. so. eh. i mean yadda yadda subtext or whatever i guess lol but if it can just as easily read as not romantic then#i kinda find it hard to care honestly. which is why i don't really ship anything from it. which brings me back to my original point#why is that basically all people talk about when it comes to anything... it should be a garnish not the whole god damn dish#and there's soooooo much in dungeon meshi that's more interesting than romance which is basically never once a priority#anyways. i'm just being an asshole and a hater as usual so go about your business and do what you want. i'll just be mad about it alone#labru is so nothing burger though i will never understand...
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Hi, just wanted to ask a honest question because I've seen you post about it a few times and I genuinely don't understand where you're coming from when you say this. How is remake Leon a misogynist?
Most recently I saw you point out him calling Ada heartless, but I don't see how that's him being sexist. He says that in response to her telling him information on where to find Ashley, having previously told him to leave her behind (to presumably die or worse), and I don't think its misogynistic for him to make a jab at her for that. Especially because Leon's big motivation is saving people, of course he wouldn't be a huge fan of anyone telling him to intentionally leave someone to die if he's able to save them. (This is also not to say Ada's a bad person for suggesting that, I love Ada and her character but I also understand why Leon would be upset by such a thing)
If there's anything else in the remakes that I've missed you point out I'm curious to what else makes him misogynistic because I just don't see it.
Also like a sidenote I guess almost all of Leon's misogynistic lines are from original re4 but Luis also has lines like this, so I don't understand why he gets to be distinguished between versions and Leon doesn't when you talk about their characters.
"honest question" and yet, you seem to have already formulated an idea of my answer (and an opinion of me) based off of one post where I casually mentioned it, and you decided to look no further before getting defensive about it. Are you even asking? Do you even care to learn? Or will you just ignore everything I say? And asking anonymously is very funny to me. Literally who are you.
I talked about it here, kinda joked about it here, and I very thoroughly detailed it here, as well as reiterated in the comments. I'm so tired of repeating myself. It's 1am now bc I took the time to find these posts for you lol. Maybe read them before you try attacking a straw man.
But to the Luis point? I absolutely do separate og RE4 Leon and remake Leon⦠Like literally my entire POINT is that no, remake Leon is still sexist, just differently, and here is why⦠I really don't understand how you came to this conclusion lmao.
The main idea is, Capcom thinks they've written out Leon's misogyny; but because Capcom itself is a very bigoted company, they perpetrate misogyny in everything they make and they don't even realise it! They genuinely think the way they wrote remake Leon absolves him from the misogyny when it doesn't, it just re-contextualises it in a way that Capcom deems palatable. They still see Ada as an extension of Leon! They still see Ada's worth revolving solely around how Leon feels in response to her actions. It's ridiculous. And the way Leon is written to treat her, the lines he's given towards her, reflect this attitude, and becomes misogynistic when he treats a male character who has done worse than Ada right in front of Leon with respect and empathy.
#begging people to stop and think and actually analyse things before getting defensive. Why do I have to keep doing the work it's exhausting#Like I'll keep doing it but damn.#Why does someone suggesting that your fave has misogynistic context make you upset?#Why are you defensive over that rather than over how he treats women?#I notice these things because I pay attention to the female characters and I value them equally as characters#Maybe if you valued Ada more and paid attention to her as a character and how Leon treats her versus how he treats Krauser#you'd see Leon's unwarranted cruelty towards her is misogynistic because of these differences in his behaviour#Maybe also stop seeing Leon as someone who can do no wrong and have no flaws when you expect the same of Ada fans.#etc etc#not tagging anything but I hope to God people stop asking me to explain. PAY ATTENTION.
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ngl weirdly salty that there's already like an Established Leon Lore guy. does not matter how much i meticulously document everything about DSC lore, literally no one will ever come to my ask box on @leon-stupid-kennedy to ask a lore question. I guarantee if the vast majority of my mutuals had a question related to Darkside Chronicles Leon they wouldn't come to me, they'd run straight to highball. don't get me wrong highball is GOAT, but like when it comes to Darkside specifically I'd say I'm more useful. like I'm not trying to be arrogant or say I'm a Leon expert or anything but I don't think he's even played DSC ever, I had to get him screenshots of costumes once when he posted about not being able to find them and also he wasn't aware that the cutscenes are pre rendered or whatever so costumes don't work in them. I have a phd in darkside chronicles at this point but i don't have cool name recognition so why even bother asking me when you could just ask highball because his word is gospel who cares what anyone else knows about leon
No matter how hard i try i will never get lore questions or requests for anything because ???
Like even outside of darkside i feel like i have enough cred to be someone who would maybe get a luis lore ask once in a blue moon bc ive analyzed his fucking trash can and found a HIDDEN ROOM IN HIS HOUSE NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER GONE IN but nope no one cares about heathers thoughts at all! my opinions are worth nothing i exist to pump out gif and screenshot sets. the only time i get headcanon/lore/anything asks is when i pathetically beg which makes it less fun! :) literally how the fuck do people judt get spontaneous asks.
I do so much work taking screenshots of EVERYTHING and compiling lore and no one gives a shit because I'm not some household re fandom name like highball or eric. I'm the weird loser outcast of the fandom that's never fully included. You'll drive by and maybe slow down and reblog a gif set of mine or a shit post, but you're keeping your windows rolled up, you're not engaging with me.
Once in a while I'll get thanked for what i do but idk it just rings hollow sometimes. Ppl tell me ive done so much for the fandom but the fandom doesn't seem to be aware of that seeing as a lot of re blogs that interact with my mutuals constantly refuse to follow me or engage with me in any way beyond reblogging my shit posts :) literally people who joined the fandom long after I did have more RE mutuals than me. whenever a new person pops up in the fandom everyone flocks to them and they'll follow back and interact with a ton of people, but not me! :)) like do I need to change my blog theme? Trash the ugly wall of disorganized text. Oh wait no that won't do anything because even when I had a super clean/neat/organized blog description I was ignored like I am now :)) something about me is inherently off putting to other RE fans and I should just give up <3
#it was irrational but i was like REALLY upset recently when he answered a question w the written orders operation javier file#and mutuals were reblogging acting like it was brand new information. BITCH THAT EXACT FUCKING FILE HSS BEEN ON MY SIDE BLOG FOR A MONTH#should not be new information >:(#but im not cool i don't have street cred i don't have star factor. i should just stop trying to have a lore blog no one cares#about what i have to say at all.#ive felt like an outcast in almost every fandom ive been in but re is BY FAR the worst. i hate that i got so sucked into a fandom that make#me feel this excluded regularly. literally every god damn day i see smth on my dash that reminds me my mutuals all have other ppl more#important to them than i am and that ppl just generally don't care abt me. i see the way they interact w other mutuals and like... i don't#get that. ppl don't interact w me the wah they do w other mutuals. and ofc i constantly see mutuals reblogging and conversing w cool ppl#that refuse to follow me. literally ive made a birthday post for someone on discord not a mutual and i figured MAYBE they might follow me#when i tagged them in screenshots i specifically went out of my way to get just for them. but nope still doesn't follow me š#this fandom to me is. in the eternal words of rick springfield. it's all give and take and you just take. i can't take it you see#ive done EVERYTHING FOR YOU. you've done NOTHING FOR ME.#brain plz go back to obsessing over pokemon so i can stop trying to find myself a place in this fandom that doesn't have room for me#im going to regret posting this tomorrow but rn im too lost in the sauce to care
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Okay, call me whatever names but-
Has anyone ever felt sad that their WOY OC isn't actually canon, but think to yourself that they would've had the chance to be one by the show producer at one point but like- you beat them to it and now you think you might've screwed them over cause they would've been real in like 6 years later?
#chewys notes#wander over yonder#woy#woy ocs#Only thinking about this cause of how much I've been thinking about sharp sight x killbot 86#genuinely make me happy to see them being lovey dovey with each other#ESPECIALLY SINCE KILLBOT 86 HAS NO ONE#HE DESERVED SOMEONE TO LOVE#but like#i ended up beating the show producer to it and now it like-#damn#You screwed them over didn't you? š#not to sound im on a high horse#But it just that i genuinely really fucking love killbot 86#I wanted sharp sight to be united with him and be forever in love#Like genuinely#i know that people hate oc x canon out there#But PLEASE understand that maybe we can make an expectation for character who barely get any attention??#like they had no character or background to them#Pls pls PLS understand how obsessed i am with wanting killbot 86 and sharp sight to be together just so Killbot 86 can be happy#just random ramblings#woy oc#sharp sight#oh my fucking god#killbot 86
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LUFFY!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN CONVERTED!!!! LUFFY BELIEVER FULL TIME!!!!! LET US WORSHIP THE SUN!!!!
#luffy deflating like a balloon..... be serious šš#MOMO NOT BEING ABLE TO HEAR LUFFY!!! oh kaido going for the others now..... law could hear his voice too???#NAMI BEING THE FIRST TO STEP UP!!! CHILLS!!! THIS TIME STEPPING UP TO WITNESS THE HORRORS!!! YEAH!!!#yamato really does carry the spirit of oden straight up.... motivating his son and everything...#i feel like i am going insane... I CAN HEAR THE DRUMS!!! nami telling luffy to not die and fulfill his promise WHO ELSE HAD A PROMISE????#is this why his fruit awakened.... because nami reminded him of the promise... omg..... THE DRUMS!!! CHILLS!!!! THE SMILE!!!!! IM SO HYPE!!#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1070#i am smiling so hard rn. contagious#also the cp0 that died for this ajdja.... suffering from success....#THE BOUNCING SOUNDS!!!! THE DRUMS!!!! THE SMILE!!! SANJI JUST VOLTING AWAKE??? see the clouds over his shoulders remain.... as i was saying#you know this has me realising maybe shanks isn't all that bad and stole the fruit from the gov so they couldnt get hold of it#hiyori saying how oden kept hia promise but also how he wanted to keep the promise of opening wano for joyboy#THE KANJURO THING!!! HIYORI WATCH OUT!!! oh its gonna burn orichi by accident YEAAHHH!!!!!!! FUCK YEAHH!!!!#the animation is so fun.. luffy just junping around and shit while hia destruction power is MASSIVE#this is so!!!! kaido complaining about being bored and having fun thru fighting AND HERE COMES LUFFY WITH HIS LOONEY TOONS GOOFY FIGHT!!!!#they knocked this shit out of the park!!! also END CREDITS????!#episode 1071#momo saying kaido got fat š actually kaido got pregnant <3 yamato you're going to be a big brother congrats!!!#the eyes šš damn luffy flew away and exploded... šš skipping rope with kaido omg.... everyone should go outside and see this...#we are welcoming here in the luffy believers... barto is gonna enlist hundreds of new members#law is luffy believer number 1 damn the speech he is giving kid... omg kaido bonked him ajshaksjak that was so good he needed witnesses..#nami worried abojt luffy being dead and when he appears she is just like WTF IS THAT!!!!!! HUH???!!#wait a second ooohhhh kaido is goong down too fuck yes akdjaksj momo and yamato peeking over the island jahdksk#THE DRUMS BEING HIS HEART I CANNOT GET OVER IT!!! Kaido shoukd be puking up his insides by now but alas this is so fun BOIOIOIOIOING#FIRST TIME SOMEONE ASKS LUFFY WHO HE IS AND HE DOESN'T SAY MONKEY D LUFFY FUTURE KING OF THE PIRATES. HE SAYS ITS HIM. STRAIGHT UP!!!!#NVM HE SAID IT!!!!! GOD IS THAT YOU????!!!!#episode 1072
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Iām the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3
#random post#me tag ā ( į ć ) |/#Iām not an overly emotional person in the stereotypical way. but I do get in my feels when thinking about life and the experience of living#Iām like. constantly explaining things to myself cus thereās never really a time or place to talk about it#also my method of explaining things is very not coherent sometimes. so it takes me a bit to really get my point across in a comprehensible#way. Iām a big thinker. I have many thoughts and ideas a views. a daily thing of mine is noticing problems#and then fixing them in my head with thought out explanations and motives and outcomes#itās like Iām talking to someone else. much like how I format my text posts. thatās how my inner monologue is#me talking to myself is actually me talking to someone else. someone that isnāt real#anyways itās a daily occurrence. every day of my life is spent with thoughts similar to those breaking down a movie#lots of thoughts from adhd. compulsive thoughts from ocd. overwhelming thoughts from autism. distressing thoughts from bpd#ya. this isnāt a vent I just need to like. see the thoughts in writing so I can do smth else. like eat this muffin ive been staring at for#over an hour now <3 mmmbfbg yea muffins are hard to eat now cus I had some with mold and food mold especially is a big nono for me#spend like. five minutes examining the damn thing before I even consider taking a bite. Iām very hungry an thirsty </3#when your mouth is so dry you can taste your own mouth š Iām experiencing#nothing in particular. just experiencing. I wouldnāt have it any other way. I like having an experience and living#drank my tea and I had like. hallucinations of like an alcohol prep pad. Iāve been using those in my ear cus. tmi. had a pimple thatās#causing problems so mom suggested that. it burned! which means it worked so word. Iāve noticed lately that both me AND my family have been#using āwordā a lot. dad says weāve been saying it but no we havenāt. if we had Iād have BEEN saying it. maybe weāve used it before for a bit#but now itās back. idk. Iāve said it in class on more than one occasion lmao I donāt look like the type to say smth like that but whatever#itās like when I used to say bro after every sentence like 10 years ago lol. weāre a family of parrots we repeat eachother a lot#I started saying I love you out of no where and they started doing it too. we whistle at eachother from across the house. sing ear worms#together. quote funny things at every opportunity and drive the joke into the ground. everyone in this house is a different kind of mentally#Iāll and itās the most beautiful clash of personalities because weāre all so annoying and we love eachother so much and also our#communication is shit because some ppl have hearing loss and another is a short fused child and some are quick to interrupt and some dont#get a word in and some just canāt explain and some canāt understand. we get there eventually at some point. we donāt get the full grasp of#how much we love eachother yet. but weāre gettin there. anyways this went into several different directions but theyāre all good ones#I think. if you read all this good on you! this is my brain 24/7/365 haha ok love you
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people who just.. have full conversations at concerts. why
#i talk#went to this free music festival event and yeah I Guess its free so you can do whatever but still i feel its kinda.. disrespectful?#im not even talking about small things like telling the ppl youre there with youre getting a drink or bathroom or out for a cigarette idk#or just quick comments about the music being good or whatever#these people were standing in the middle/front close to the stage and just yell-talking (bc yeah loud music) about like#their friends relationship dramas?? is there really no better time and place for that?? i wanna listen to the damn music#maybe im not seeing the other side but i really feel its kinda shitty both for the musician and the people around you who want to listen#first time going in for a more electronic thing so there was this guy doing really cool ambient house music at a smaller bar#and i was really feeling it like the music and beats and transitions scratched my brain perfectly and i took a short video too#was there for about an hour and people were just Constantly talking & i watched the video and genuinely the music is just in the background#several conversations about someones friend always getting into toxic relationships front and center#and it specifically was a concert not just bar with live background music - ppl are dancing and stuff - and the same happened before#at an outdoor stage too#i dont get it if you wanna talk go outside? then you wont have to yell either? listen to the music and if you dont want to then leave#so at least others can enjoy it#ok rant over whatever the music was amazing and im really annoyed at people
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sometimes I feel like there's a narrative on here that like. people who work and live not with their parents in their 20s are somehow privileged and its really annoying as someone with 0 family and 0 built in support system lol
#this has nothing to do with the previous post i was just reminded of some unrelated posts I've seen#like i get what people mean but i really dont consider it a privilege to have to graduate at 16 and immediately start working to pay rent#causing a severe worsening of ny physical and mental state so that i can afford to eat#and i would just like to say for the record that id never judge someone for living with their parents because im so envious lmao#just like. of the idea of having parents that would take care of you. ive always been so fascinated by that#because my sister got married at 19 to get out of the house and then depended on her husband bc she also has trouble#working due to disability. were both physically and mentally disabled so we have that in common lol#and then she had to contend with becoming entirely dependent on a man who then had incredible power over her#and now theyre divorced and she has to try to figure out how to do all this stiff at 33 that our mother never taught us#and that ive figured out on my own over the past 7 years. and i just think damn i wish we had family lol#like maybe if we even had 1 relative who cared enough to like. check in with us even?? let alone help#thats always just seemed really incredible to me. and ill never really be able to wrap my head around it
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Feel free to skip on past this, Iāve just gotta ramble for a minute bc i cant stop thinking about this kid from work last week. They were so much like me at that age (5-6th grade) that I didnāt know how to interact with them? I didnāt know what to say to them bc I donāt know what I needed to hear back then, what I wouldāve WANTED to hear? What would I have even listened to? They were almost entirely silent and looked out at the world with a hesitant curiosity, but would pull back so fast as soon as you tried to interact w them. Little to no eye contact, face hidden in hair, always looking down, following others until they could strike off on their own and just quietly explore. Intently focusing on drawing any chance they got. We did an art project and they hunched over their piece the entire time and wouldnāt let any of us see it in progress, refusing to look up or acknowledge us if we asked to see it or to know what it was. Idk. I barely interacted w them while they were with us for those few days bc I didnāt know how? It almost hurt to try? It was like looking back into a time machine and i didnāt know how to tell them that it does get better,,, I still donāt even know if where I am is better, some days feel so unsure that I donāt think Iāve made any progress at all. But seeing that kid, idk. Iāve come pretty far. And it DOES get better. Maybe itās not the best now, or even that great at all, but itās better. I wish I couldāve told them but I donāt think theyād have wanted to hear it anyway
#im a rambling sam#Iām in a weird place again since getting here for this season of work#idk maybe Iāve been in a weird place all year probably#I donāt think Iām that far from where I was at that age but I know I am thereās just still so much further to go#one day I think itāll feel easier but maybe not today#I do love working w kids but Iām considering going into horticulture instead of outdoor education bc I donāt know if I can handle this#I can#but god I donāt know#in my heart Iām still that exact kid and sheās still in there so damn anxious and unsure and needing to observe the world and everyone in it#just to get some sense of understanding of just what the fuck is going on around here#but by the time Iāve gotten a good handle on what is going on everything is already so set in place and my place is outside the system and I#I donāt know how to step into it#sorry sorry Iām still rambling Iām having a weird day I probably just havenāt eaten nearly enough in the last few days and Iām about to#start teaching on my own this week which is terrifying and I canāt stop thinking abt that damn kid I wish they stayed longer I think#we probably wouldāve gotten along#but groups only come here for a couple days and then go home which is v weird after having the same kids for 3 weeks for summer camp#idk life gets better and it gets worse and sometimes u grow into the world a little more but thereās still a mute child in your ribcage#little hands pressed up against ur ribs like laying a palm against a bus window#I put my hand over my sternum as if we could press our hands together thru time#when I was that age I used to pretend to have someone around me like an imaginary friend but usually it was a book character that I liked#and Iād talk to myself in my head like having a conversation and giving myself motivation and assurances from someone else to me#and now Iām here and I still talk to myself like that but without the imagined friend as a buffer I just talk to myself in my head#now Iām the imaginary friend for the little Sam that lives in my chest#when I talk to myself Iām talking to her#Iām giving her the assurance she needed back then#the assurance I still need now#I am here for her so I am here for myself#this is getting poetically nonsensical maybe itās time for bed
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today was exhausting - my friend was here for about 7 hours and I just. oh man I love her and all but it's just a lot sometimes. it's probably for the best that we only meet up like 2-4 times a year now (gives me enough time to forget how draining it is so I look forward to it, and recover afterwards)
I don't talk to anyone but my husband most days, and he doesn't really talk. so that's maybe 15 minutes total of talking. and today it was literally. 7 hours. no breaks except when we were eating (but no even then someone was always talking).
first of all ouch, it hurts (my voice is very hoarse now). and also. it's so so so draining. like. we really have nothing in common at this point. but she's my oldest friend and I do love her so it's tolerable... but just barely. these days there's way too much diet/food/weight loss talk, and also she seems to be getting into alternative medicine which I cannot fucking stand (it's one topic where I can't pretend or be nice about it either). lots and lots of very preachy vegan stuff too (I don't have any problems with it, I admire people who can do it, but fuck dude you know I eat meat and that I've said many times that I *can't* go vegan (I would starve. there's not enough foods that would be left. seriously.) and it feels pretty shitty to keep going on about it every damn time. I'm not sitting there trying to convince her that she should really be an atheist or something, because I know what her thoughts are about that and I respect it.
when she hangs out with her other friends a lot it's mostly just talking about all the issues that come from that (they fucking suck). I don't know, it kind of feels like I'm her therapist. when I talk about something I'm interested in she doesn't ask many questions and it kind of sucks. like, dude I don't care about your plants either, but I'm interested because you care, so. maybe try that too. would be nice!
#like I know alllll about her other friends and their shitty behaviour#and just. it's exhausting#it's also exhausting telling her over and over again that she is too nice. yes being nice is good and all but she lets people walk all over#her and afterwards she goes 'oh well I guess it was probably just because [they had a bad day/other thing that happened/I said the wrong#thing]'. I do that too! but it's just EVERYTHING. always. even when someone is CLEARLY being shitty to her. like her shitty friends. she#will still excuse their behaviour#it just makes me sad man.#buuut#like come on maybe let me talk about my stupid tv show for 5 minutes and try to seem a little interested? I know it's irrelevant I know no#one cares but damn you really can't pretend?? I've mentioned it before a couple times on the phone and she's always just vaguely like 'ah#that sounds interesting' WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT'S ABOUT. but she doesn't ask what it's about so. I just stop#talking about it and we change topics.#like. yeah I know it's a bit weird that I'm in my 30s and that is one of the most important things in my life rn but. that's how I am. it's#always been that way. and my other friends care (or at least pretend to because they care about *me*)#so it feels pretty shitty!#like if I can look at 15 pictures of how big her fucking plants and herbs are getting. idk maybe ask one question about my show.#or like. even things like our new apartment and stuff. she listened and everything. but it's just. there's no interest there really. just#live 'oh that's nice :)' and we move on to the next topic again#idk man it makes me a bit sad (and I know it's ironic because I say she needs to acknowledge that people don't treat her well but. I mean I#do know this isn't great. and I limit my communication with her to a level that doesn't feel too exhausting. so. idk I feel like it's#different or whatever. buut really I just don't have many friends and I get lonely and it's better to listen to someone talk about#themselves all the time than not talking at all)#okay I'm gonna shut up now#and anyway I'm just exhausted and it's all very fresh rn and I'm incredibly tired so I'm very grumpy. usually it's really not that bad.#I just needed to vent I guess#okay bye and goodnight and I will stop talking now I swear#personal
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