#crying isn’t going to fix me
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#🕹️#I can’t lie#I’ve honestly been thinking about blowing my fucking brains out a lot lately#everything just seems so far away I guess#impossible maybe#I don’t even really feel like I’m living now#I feel so#far away#I guess#I don’t know how to stop dissociating anymore#I don’t know what I’m waiting on#nothing is coming for me#nothing is hopeful#I can’t do anything#I don’t know how I’m going to work#I could never make it into law school#being thin isn’t going to make me happy#eating everything isn’t going to make me happy#crying isn’t going to fix me#I keep trying to just stick out one more day because I can’t imagine losing my mom and then my cat and then my fiancé#I would think I was cursed probably#I’m not going to do it. I can’t do that to him. to any of them really#but I’m starting to run out of ideas#I think I’m gonna be sick
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Despite how much I suffered making my last isat au Aris sprite redraw, I decided to do it again and once again went through hell doing it. There’s like a billion mistakes in this (such as her having the wrong arm rip) but at the end of the day I’m still happy with how it turned out :]
#keese draws#oc#oc art#eternal gales#isat#in stars and time#sorry for main tagging feel free to excecute me if you want or whatever#grips sink cringe is dead cringe is dead cringe is dead#anyways this is a very fuzzy and vague au as I don’t rly feel comfortable going off too hard with this one#this is pretty much entirely because I know I’d have to fuck around with the worldbuilding a decent amount and I don’t rly wanna do that#Isat’s worldbuilding is one of my favorite parts of isat so I don’t wanna fuck it up yknow?#I might do some other sprite redraws once I stop thinking too hard abt aris and tali#for context tali is the king aka complicated design that makes me wanna cry especially since I made it worse by changing her imagery#instead of having tears as a thing she has like. fracturing if that makes sense?#it’s supposed to be a nod to her ‘cracked’ eye in canon#she also has threads coming from her limbs instead of long hair for similar reasons#also she doesn’t have straight hair so yknow#but yeah for additional context aris and tali are half sisters and they make me go insane#in this au the idea would be that when their grandparents divorced when the two were little tali and their grandma left the island#aris wouldn’t leave until five or so years later when she was around 12#at which point the island disappeared and all that#the two have mostly completely forgotten about eachother but there still is familiarity between them#tali isn’t any less of a piece of shit than the king in this au tho#aris for a brief moment almost remembers who tali is during act 3 but she dies before she can fully grasp it#which almost hurts more to her despite not even knowing what she was trying to recall#during act 5 her inner sadness fight is against the hazy image of a very young tali 👍#just tiny 5 year old tali using the voices of the others to scream at aris that she’s been nothing but a burden to them all#and that she’s done nothing but hurt them in her selfish attempts to fix a problem that she refuses to admit she caused#and that time and time again she’s lied that she’s doing her best to protect them and that she’s failed all of them#it’s a mix of current guilt and her hazy but longstanding guilt towards tali
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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I swear. I comprehend I’m not the best teaching intern in the world. I also was not the best camp counselor, cashier, and so on. But if my observer gives me so much criticism that I cry again I’m going to be so motherfucking pissed.
Especially since she’s asking me to stay late just to review me. While I have family visiting. And I’m gone for most of the day. And my commute is over half an hour. Which isn’t bad around here but still.
#vent#I’m working on it but I cry after like 5+ concentrated minutes of disappointment from bosses and such#we’re staying late because she observed yesterday but#but just like last week she thought my planning period was *at the wrong spot*#it turns out that I did tell her wrong twice FUCK#BUT THERE WAS ALSO ONE TIME I DID TELL HER RIGHT I SWEAR. PLUS I TOLD HER LAST WEEK IN PERSON. I COMBED THROIGH MY EMAILS#I just sent an email with all the correct information so hopefully that resolves the issue#I cried for like two days last week. her criticism is fairly valid but alsoooooo I’m trying to work with my partner Teachers values& methods#WHICH THE OBSERVOR ESPOUSED. last week she was like ‘omg your partner teacher is the best omg you better treat her as the great resource#that she is’ and meanwhile I like my partner teacher but her methods are boring and teacher centered#she swears it’s how she gets through to these kids and I can see that#like by tenth grade a huge change in educational structure would probably be more distracting than helpful for the better part of a year to#these kids#especially since I’m here for maybe a month.#not worth fucking these kids over#and considering the students get to use their notes on tests im just. kind of blanking on better ideas???#even the kids in the ‘smart’ periods are so hesitant with so many math skills#I just want to fix it but I’m basically at the end of the process. idk#my cashier job made me come in on my day off (I did clock in) to get criticized#idk how to stand up about this with a woman who can decide whether I pass or not but god I hope this isn’t going to be a pattern#she didn’t have ONE fucking good thing to say about me last week#my mom suggested that I ask for a compliment when I’m near tears because that might stave off any tears#I’m hoping her method works
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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Hm. I should probably start looking into an endometriosis diagnosis
#I’d thought the period inspired suicidal thoughts were getting better#turns out I’ve been dissociating heavily for months#it’s so embarrassing what set me off last night too#like the worst part isn’t the pain or the GI bullshit or the wanting to die#the worst part is when it’s 6-24 hours later and I’m looking back on my crying mess and going ‘really???? THATS what set you off????’#there are a billion scary and unsolvable problems in this world and I called a hotline over something That easy to fix??????#lame! boring! embarrassing! pick a better problem to fixate on and convince yourself is unsolvable!#this one can be solved with a phone call. and phones suck but they don’t suck That bad jfc
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suffering bc my dishwasher has been busted for like a week and a half. and they won’t fix it until tuesday or wednesday bc they had to order a part
#sobbing crying#it’s so hard to want to cook when it’s 80 degrees in the apartment and i don’t have a dishwasher#i also fear that the thing they’re going to fix isn’t the problem#i swear it’s not spraying water but i feel like they aren’t listening to me and just think it’s the Soap Door#but we’ll see. maybe it will fix it#i fucking hate hand washing dishes#bc my kitchen is too small to do Anything in i barely have room to cook as is
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When you think you’re over something and then you see a reminder of it and you start hurting again like the thing had just happened 🙃
#text#personal#negative#keep seeing reminders of how I failed to connect with people and make new friends#(it feels like I’m being stabbed in the chest)#like I KNOW there’s something inherently wrong with me now. people sense it. I try my best but it still isn’t enough#and no matter what I do. no matter what I say. it’s always the wrong thing to do or say! always!#it’s definitely some sort of social skill issue but like. why does this keep happening with EVERYONE I meet irl?#like. am I secretly (or not so secretly) mean? manipulative? annoying? somehow too weird in some way?#it really fucking hurts. knowing that every attempt to connect with someone fails. it’s so fucking embarrassing having 0 irl friends now#at least I’m self aware that I’m the problem but like… how do I fix this?#I can never read social cues or take hints. I need everything to be direct.#literally going to cry over this today I think. I feel so awful. what a great start to the new year. :)
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I’m in so much physical and mental pain. Did not have a good year this year.
Things won’t be improving in the near future, either.
IDK what to do, honestly.
#ive been searching for work non stop for like three months feels like#im so fucking tired…i now have a 1k car repair bill and my current job isn’t giving me hours like that rn really#i tried venting to my mom yesterday and it didn’t end up going so well#she did the ‘Man’ thing of trying to ‘fix’ things which made me feel invalidated#and then her response to me saying what I wanted just ended up making me frustrated and feel like crying#which I did do! don’t worry#i miss my therapist tbh they’re a non licensed clinician bc theyre still working on their masters#so we don’t meet back til mid jan
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Tomorrow is career dress up day for my kids as part of red ribbon week and we’re supposed to participate soooo I’m considering my options. Like. Do I wear scrubs and say that I want to do medical coding when I grow up? Bc honestly it’s tempting. Could I get away with wearing PJs and saying that I want to be a mattress tester?
#I honestly don’t want to say I want to be a teacher bc most days I don’t#it’s all I’ve ever wanted to be and rn it’s treating me like shit#literally just laying in bed crying because idk how to fix it#bc it’s systemic issues that I simply cannot fix#just my ramblings#and I’m going to have to get it together and get up bc I have prep to do so that tomorrow isn’t worse than today was.
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Oh headache no why now
#me when I cry and suddenly my entire body decides to hate me at once#fixed my bed sheets tho so I don’t have to do that later#gonna fill my water cup and go pee and brush my teeth and then if my headache isn’t gone I’ll lay in bed in the dark until I can sleep or go#back on my phone again
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Something happened at work and I don’t even have the words to ramble about how upset I am about it I just feel so defeated and I don’t know what I can even do or why someone in a position of power would choose to do this to someone like as human beings
#I’ll talk about it later but broad strokes my friend who has similar mental health issues as me has been fighting to get disability#accommodations at work that like aren’t even really an ask they’re things that other people are allowed to do without accommodations#the only thing that not everyone is allowed to do is have two telework days a week most everybody gets one and they’re requiring her to take#an all day state psych eval and release all her medical and mental health records to the company and kind of also therefore all other#employment through the state of Virginia because it’s a state job? and she has been diagnosed and getting medical treatment for years her#therapists have been fighting to get her these accommodations and talking with hr and hr and my boss (also her boss) have been saying if she#doesn’t do the evaluation and release all her medical records she’ll be fired and it’s discrimination and she’s planning on quitting before#the eval that they sprung on her for Friday but like this is a job where we defend people with mental health issues and you’re just going to#discriminate against mental health issues within your company?#if they made me do that I would have to quit I’m not going to let Virginia state jobs have access to my mental health records but also it’s#so shitty and it’s coming from HR and our boss so it’s not like she can go to HR about it f#other people in the office knew before me and have done nothing but say oh that sucks#maybe I did have enough words to ramble about it actually my bad#I’m going to cry about it I feel like but it’s not going to help anything and I just want to fix it#this isn’t how you should treat people#it’s disgusting and discriminatory
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I was going to try and type out how I’m feeling today cuz it’s decidedly not very good though not nearly as bad as it was a couple weeks ago but I’m giving up I think I just wanna lay face down in the floor
#I am doing better. and I know these kinds of things don’t go away or feel better quickly#but so genuinely when do you stop crying over a person and when do you stop constantly wanting to talk to them#I’m tired of dealing with it and want it to go away#like there are literally so many things I wanna say but I can’t and even if I did what would it matter#and the more time that goes on the…. angrier I feel? but I’m still mostly just very sad and remorseful#one of my coworkers made a joke about me hating my ex and I was like no????? I don’t hate her at all????#and she kinda looked at me funny and then said with a lot of confidence ‘don’t worry you will eventually’#and I just. no I don’t think I will and I don’t WANT that to happen either#and just so many ppl who try to console me about this#do so by making comments like that#but it makes me feel worse……..#but also I would really like to just thinking about it and feeling things about it at all#don’t wanna hate her but I’m tired of constantly thinking about her when that’s not gonna fix anything#and I just. ugh yeah. been thinking about it all a lot today despite my best efforts#and I know a four hour drive isn’t gonna help that……#maybe being around my family will help not cuz they make me feel better but I’ll just be too overwhelmed to think about much else 😭#kaz rambles
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I feel like no matter what I’m never doing “bad enough” to deserve help or reach out and whenever I have reached out I get turned away and I end up just going to online spaces that only fuel it all and make it worse even if they make me feel better
#Maybe if professionals actually gave a shit or knew how to do their jobs#but it’s always either others are doing worse I’m fine in their eyes#or there is no fixing me I’m too fucked up#No amount of medication or therapy has made so much as a dent in my mental health#It’s always I’m not trying hard enough no matter how much I do#or like oh the drug issues are nothing others have it worse it’s nothing super hard or whatever#so I just don’t tell anyone#cause I’m only made to feel like I’m being dramatic#And the thing about a lot of this type of stuff is it can be kinda competitive#So oh you think this isn’t bad let’s see just how bad it can get then before someone thinks I’m worthy of help#ghost rambles#idk I just feel like shit and have a migraine#I just want to cry#but I have to stay sober to pass that test and I have to keep going to work like it’s all fine
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Like everything is pissing me off rn
#it’s like my body recognized the unspeakable amt of random sadness didn’t fix anything so now she has to make me hate literally everything#the just like backseat background constant dysphoria over not having any e in my body is like. sickening it makes me feel awful#and I’m starting to really properly run up against the cost of hrt for the first time which is SUPER awesome too#and ofc there’s stress over this STUPID!! FUCKING!! ACTING PROJECT!!!!!#and that makes me want to kill someone#but there’s also stress about like everything else. and world situation isn’t doing anything#and also everyone around me makes me angry#and also everyone makes me angry.#like if anyone’s reading this genuinely go fuck urself u have no ability to help me and you’re really!! really stupid for thinking you have#ANY#idea what it feels like for me rn. and let’s be real you don’t have a solution either so what’s the point#i really really reeeaaaaalllyyyyyyyyy just want to rip someone’s throat out if I can be real#god i need to get any kind of sleep at all#EVERYTHING SUCKS. GENUINELY EVERYTHING SUCKS. ITS BAD!!!! ITS BAD!!!!!!!!!#i like actually want to cry#& every time i start thinking abt it contextually like actually I don’t have it so bad and all of these feelings are transient or whatever#i want to rip someone’s throat out even more#& ofc that anger also turns inwards but for the most part I can just call that as stupid and move on#but like: why the fuck am i treating a Tumblr blog where none of the readers actually care abt me as if it were a fucking confessional#i don’t even want to think abt sleeping bc i know thatll suck too I’ll have some horrible stress dream#god I’m gonna start crying again actually yall i fucking hate emotions can I be real
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#the post cycle depression is REALLY HITTING#feel like I’m a Zoloft commercial#can’t even enjoy 1989 TV yet#at least aesthetically I’m nailing it#gloomy fucking weather#unwashed hair#sweatpants#crying but idk why#I’m going to take a shower on my lunch break and it better fix me#it won’t but I’ll probably feel like 20% better which isn’t nothing#really wish talking to my doc about pmdd wasn’t so emotionally exhausting bc this bitch needs HELP#also just need to go home#I’ve been puppy sitting at my parents house all week and yep I still hate it here and can’t fully relax
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