#crying isn’t going to fix me
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Post activity is at the highest at 4:00 pm EDT; notes peak at 10:00 pm EDT.
Text
please don’t read
#🕹️#I can’t lie#I’ve honestly been thinking about blowing my fucking brains out a lot lately#everything just seems so far away I guess#impossible maybe#I don’t even really feel like I’m living now#I feel so#far away#I guess#I don’t know how to stop dissociating anymore#I don’t know what I’m waiting on#nothing is coming for me#nothing is hopeful#I can’t do anything#I don’t know how I’m going to work#I could never make it into law school#being thin isn’t going to make me happy#eating everything isn’t going to make me happy#crying isn’t going to fix me#I keep trying to just stick out one more day because I can’t imagine losing my mom and then my cat and then my fiancé#I would think I was cursed probably#I’m not going to do it. I can’t do that to him. to any of them really#but I’m starting to run out of ideas#I think I’m gonna be sick
0 notes
Text
lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Despite how much I suffered making my last isat au Aris sprite redraw, I decided to do it again and once again went through hell doing it. There’s like a billion mistakes in this (such as her having the wrong arm rip) but at the end of the day I’m still happy with how it turned out :]
#keese draws#oc#oc art#eternal gales#isat#in stars and time#sorry for main tagging feel free to excecute me if you want or whatever#grips sink cringe is dead cringe is dead cringe is dead#anyways this is a very fuzzy and vague au as I don’t rly feel comfortable going off too hard with this one#this is pretty much entirely because I know I’d have to fuck around with the worldbuilding a decent amount and I don’t rly wanna do that#Isat’s worldbuilding is one of my favorite parts of isat so I don’t wanna fuck it up yknow?#I might do some other sprite redraws once I stop thinking too hard abt aris and tali#for context tali is the king aka complicated design that makes me wanna cry especially since I made it worse by changing her imagery#instead of having tears as a thing she has like. fracturing if that makes sense?#it’s supposed to be a nod to her ‘cracked’ eye in canon#she also has threads coming from her limbs instead of long hair for similar reasons#also she doesn’t have straight hair so yknow#but yeah for additional context aris and tali are half sisters and they make me go insane#in this au the idea would be that when their grandparents divorced when the two were little tali and their grandma left the island#aris wouldn’t leave until five or so years later when she was around 12#at which point the island disappeared and all that#the two have mostly completely forgotten about eachother but there still is familiarity between them#tali isn’t any less of a piece of shit than the king in this au tho#aris for a brief moment almost remembers who tali is during act 3 but she dies before she can fully grasp it#which almost hurts more to her despite not even knowing what she was trying to recall#during act 5 her inner sadness fight is against the hazy image of a very young tali 👍#just tiny 5 year old tali using the voices of the others to scream at aris that she’s been nothing but a burden to them all#and that she’s done nothing but hurt them in her selfish attempts to fix a problem that she refuses to admit she caused#and that time and time again she’s lied that she’s doing her best to protect them and that she’s failed all of them#it’s a mix of current guilt and her hazy but longstanding guilt towards tali
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
I swear. I comprehend I’m not the best teaching intern in the world. I also was not the best camp counselor, cashier, and so on. But if my observer gives me so much criticism that I cry again I’m going to be so motherfucking pissed.
Especially since she’s asking me to stay late just to review me. While I have family visiting. And I’m gone for most of the day. And my commute is over half an hour. Which isn’t bad around here but still.
#vent#I’m working on it but I cry after like 5+ concentrated minutes of disappointment from bosses and such#we’re staying late because she observed yesterday but#but just like last week she thought my planning period was *at the wrong spot*#it turns out that I did tell her wrong twice FUCK#BUT THERE WAS ALSO ONE TIME I DID TELL HER RIGHT I SWEAR. PLUS I TOLD HER LAST WEEK IN PERSON. I COMBED THROIGH MY EMAILS#I just sent an email with all the correct information so hopefully that resolves the issue#I cried for like two days last week. her criticism is fairly valid but alsoooooo I’m trying to work with my partner Teachers values& methods#WHICH THE OBSERVOR ESPOUSED. last week she was like ‘omg your partner teacher is the best omg you better treat her as the great resource#that she is’ and meanwhile I like my partner teacher but her methods are boring and teacher centered#she swears it’s how she gets through to these kids and I can see that#like by tenth grade a huge change in educational structure would probably be more distracting than helpful for the better part of a year to#these kids#especially since I’m here for maybe a month.#not worth fucking these kids over#and considering the students get to use their notes on tests im just. kind of blanking on better ideas???#even the kids in the ‘smart’ periods are so hesitant with so many math skills#I just want to fix it but I’m basically at the end of the process. idk#my cashier job made me come in on my day off (I did clock in) to get criticized#idk how to stand up about this with a woman who can decide whether I pass or not but god I hope this isn’t going to be a pattern#she didn’t have ONE fucking good thing to say about me last week#my mom suggested that I ask for a compliment when I’m near tears because that might stave off any tears#I’m hoping her method works
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hm. I should probably start looking into an endometriosis diagnosis
#I’d thought the period inspired suicidal thoughts were getting better#turns out I’ve been dissociating heavily for months#it’s so embarrassing what set me off last night too#like the worst part isn’t the pain or the GI bullshit or the wanting to die#the worst part is when it’s 6-24 hours later and I’m looking back on my crying mess and going ‘really???? THATS what set you off????’#there are a billion scary and unsolvable problems in this world and I called a hotline over something That easy to fix??????#lame! boring! embarrassing! pick a better problem to fixate on and convince yourself is unsolvable!#this one can be solved with a phone call. and phones suck but they don’t suck That bad jfc
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
suffering bc my dishwasher has been busted for like a week and a half. and they won’t fix it until tuesday or wednesday bc they had to order a part
#sobbing crying#it’s so hard to want to cook when it’s 80 degrees in the apartment and i don’t have a dishwasher#i also fear that the thing they’re going to fix isn’t the problem#i swear it’s not spraying water but i feel like they aren’t listening to me and just think it’s the Soap Door#but we’ll see. maybe it will fix it#i fucking hate hand washing dishes#bc my kitchen is too small to do Anything in i barely have room to cook as is
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
When you think you’re over something and then you see a reminder of it and you start hurting again like the thing had just happened 🙃
#text#personal#negative#keep seeing reminders of how I failed to connect with people and make new friends#(it feels like I’m being stabbed in the chest)#like I KNOW there’s something inherently wrong with me now. people sense it. I try my best but it still isn’t enough#and no matter what I do. no matter what I say. it’s always the wrong thing to do or say! always!#it’s definitely some sort of social skill issue but like. why does this keep happening with EVERYONE I meet irl?#like. am I secretly (or not so secretly) mean? manipulative? annoying? somehow too weird in some way?#it really fucking hurts. knowing that every attempt to connect with someone fails. it’s so fucking embarrassing having 0 irl friends now#at least I’m self aware that I’m the problem but like… how do I fix this?#I can never read social cues or take hints. I need everything to be direct.#literally going to cry over this today I think. I feel so awful. what a great start to the new year. :)
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m in so much physical and mental pain. Did not have a good year this year.
Things won’t be improving in the near future, either.
IDK what to do, honestly.
#ive been searching for work non stop for like three months feels like#im so fucking tired…i now have a 1k car repair bill and my current job isn’t giving me hours like that rn really#i tried venting to my mom yesterday and it didn’t end up going so well#she did the ‘Man’ thing of trying to ‘fix’ things which made me feel invalidated#and then her response to me saying what I wanted just ended up making me frustrated and feel like crying#which I did do! don’t worry#i miss my therapist tbh they’re a non licensed clinician bc theyre still working on their masters#so we don’t meet back til mid jan
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Tomorrow is career dress up day for my kids as part of red ribbon week and we’re supposed to participate soooo I’m considering my options. Like. Do I wear scrubs and say that I want to do medical coding when I grow up? Bc honestly it’s tempting. Could I get away with wearing PJs and saying that I want to be a mattress tester?
#I honestly don’t want to say I want to be a teacher bc most days I don’t#it’s all I’ve ever wanted to be and rn it’s treating me like shit#literally just laying in bed crying because idk how to fix it#bc it’s systemic issues that I simply cannot fix#just my ramblings#and I’m going to have to get it together and get up bc I have prep to do so that tomorrow isn’t worse than today was.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’ve got a required class that I don’t particularly feel happy doing, but at the end I’ll have the ability to make edits so. The promise of being able to cause myself psychic damage at the end of this will get me through the psychic damage I’ll sustain while doing it.
#I am not the best at technology because the way people have explained stuff to me in my life#usually makes me feel stupid#because it’s like why don’t you know how to click this thing! it’s literally this button right here!#and how would I know that#like yeah I know logically how this should happen but none of these symbols make any sense#and when I hover on some of them they don’t give me the helpful little description#and it’s terrible#there’s always the comments about how your generation was raised on this! why don’t you know how to make a file folder#sorry I was like 14 and had literally no need to before this ma’am#anyways this class isn’t like that but my prior experience with being taught this stuff is bad#not a great place to start learning how to use photoshop#I don’t care that it can do literally everything#that means nothing if it fails to convey how to do anything at all#if you want me to learn a language you have to give me people speaking it first#throwing grammar and verb conjugations just isn’t enough#I’m just going to cry about it for a while and then I’ll be okay again#actually what I really think could fix this is if they taught a theory of computer science course#without any math or stupid shit in it#so I personally could figure out how it goes from a circuit board to YouTube#I don’t need to know how to make a computer or a website#I just need to know how it works#like I can’t do scientific experiments but I know how the immune system operates well enough to be okay with it#better yet explain it to me using Minecraft red stone#and old pixelated video games#can’t promise that this will be the end of me comparing about this#because I’ve got stuff due tomorrow and I need to make myself do it#sorry in advance for the person I may or may not become tonight
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Oh headache no why now
#me when I cry and suddenly my entire body decides to hate me at once#fixed my bed sheets tho so I don’t have to do that later#gonna fill my water cup and go pee and brush my teeth and then if my headache isn’t gone I’ll lay in bed in the dark until I can sleep or go#back on my phone again
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Something happened at work and I don’t even have the words to ramble about how upset I am about it I just feel so defeated and I don’t know what I can even do or why someone in a position of power would choose to do this to someone like as human beings
#I’ll talk about it later but broad strokes my friend who has similar mental health issues as me has been fighting to get disability#accommodations at work that like aren’t even really an ask they’re things that other people are allowed to do without accommodations#the only thing that not everyone is allowed to do is have two telework days a week most everybody gets one and they’re requiring her to take#an all day state psych eval and release all her medical and mental health records to the company and kind of also therefore all other#employment through the state of Virginia because it’s a state job? and she has been diagnosed and getting medical treatment for years her#therapists have been fighting to get her these accommodations and talking with hr and hr and my boss (also her boss) have been saying if she#doesn’t do the evaluation and release all her medical records she’ll be fired and it’s discrimination and she’s planning on quitting before#the eval that they sprung on her for Friday but like this is a job where we defend people with mental health issues and you’re just going to#discriminate against mental health issues within your company?#if they made me do that I would have to quit I’m not going to let Virginia state jobs have access to my mental health records but also it’s#so shitty and it’s coming from HR and our boss so it’s not like she can go to HR about it f#other people in the office knew before me and have done nothing but say oh that sucks#maybe I did have enough words to ramble about it actually my bad#I’m going to cry about it I feel like but it’s not going to help anything and I just want to fix it#this isn’t how you should treat people#it’s disgusting and discriminatory
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
also idk if I just talk too much or tell too little or some combination of both
#whimsy whispers#whims woes#I am going to try and cease from asking people if they find me annoying/want to talk to me because it’s tiring and annoying for me and no#doubt tiring and annoying for others#key word being try#I have a flimsy plan of how to move forwards regarding how I feel in terms of myself and my friendships#one singular person knows the plan hi bestie if you see this#because quite frankly there isn’t much to be done#I’ve also been told that everything happening is either everyone’s fault or no one’s fault i said I don’t want to seem like I’m placing#blame on others or like making them out to be bad#because frankly this isn’t like anyone’s intention that I feel the way I do#sometimes friendships are difficult and work differently than expect#but while saying that I still am like sad and I’m despair about it and knowing that this is true won’t fix that#idk what will it if things are soemthing I can fix or should just accept but you know#whatever#I’m just really trying not to cry about things again as I write this lol
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
they were already incredibly suspicious to me, every last one of those supposed “professionals.” i think I’m more suspicious than I ever was now - somehow that was possible. I’m even more apprehensive, perhaps even fearful.
solidarity between people who want to take psychiatric meds to function and those who don’t.
What’s important is that we both have autonomy, informed consent and safe access to treatments we want, and to not be forced, coerced or pressured into those we don’t.
#yes yes yes#I feel so trapped right now - it seems I might be able to cancel the appointment and hopefully take nothing but if I’m unable to I think-#-that will be my final straw#horrifying for me. interacting with psychiatry at the age the body is at is traumatizing - traumatizing at any age though perhaps I’m being#-dramatic. I don’t think so though.#my experiences have been less than decent so far - for the most part#plus they tended to want me on medication out of simple stigmatized lenses#they were more concerned about the fact that I even experienced something such as supposed hallucinations (GASP) than my actual experiences#it’s difficult to word but I’ll speak more and hopefully organize my thoughts in a later post#psychiatry isn’t here to help it’s here to put everyone in a single file line - they mentioned me not being normal enough essentially#I’ll elduicate more in a later post#but I was forced and am being forced with the looming threat of long term hospitalization though I will hopefully be able to get out of it#that threat is now always hanging over my head#they forced me and it ended up fucking with a health condition I already have along with general side effects#the courts almost got involved while the impostor was trying to get me out of there because they didn’t want to release me#despite it being an unhelpful place just like every mental hospital. I feel even more ‘unsafe’ as they call it and tempted to run now.#I don’t trust the medicine I’m afraid of it and having threats held over my head it all felt sort of like mind rape - to be dramatic again#it doesn’t matter how much I express how afraid of them I am they don’t understand and I have other reasons besides my suspicion as to why#-I don’t wish to take them. the fact that the body can’t tolerate them for example. not wanting to be forced. the forcing makes me panic.#it’s mind rape. not to mention even despite the inability to tolerate he still wanted to try an antipsychotic down the line - which is not#going to happen. no medicine. I’m not trying anything. I’d be more open if there weren’t threats over my head and I weren’t being forced#but I don’t want any at all. I have my reasons - they want me to take it for medically induced suicide purposes as well - what I mentioned#earlier/ not being normal enough for their standards and being how they even on a subconscious level view me as a dirty schizo#who needs to be fixed so I don’t want them for that as well#I haven’t rambled about it much yet until now but it feels like mind rape to me even if that’s dramatic I don’t generally experience the#instinct to cry and still I cried multiple different times over this shit over being forcefully kept in a bad facility that wouldn’t even#give me my physical meds and did nothing for health conditions so the body dehydrated horribly and shit and some of the staff were pretty#rude too it was just a bad experience not as bad as lobotomy I know but I couldn’t stand it and being forced the threats all the threats#made sure to try and keep myself in check for that reason but the threats of long term if I wasn’t compliant enough I don’t want to be sent#away I want to be left alone I want freedom I want a break I want a hug (?) I want to be away from all impostors I want to disappear
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
I was going to try and type out how I’m feeling today cuz it’s decidedly not very good though not nearly as bad as it was a couple weeks ago but I’m giving up I think I just wanna lay face down in the floor
#I am doing better. and I know these kinds of things don’t go away or feel better quickly#but so genuinely when do you stop crying over a person and when do you stop constantly wanting to talk to them#I’m tired of dealing with it and want it to go away#like there are literally so many things I wanna say but I can’t and even if I did what would it matter#and the more time that goes on the…. angrier I feel? but I’m still mostly just very sad and remorseful#one of my coworkers made a joke about me hating my ex and I was like no????? I don’t hate her at all????#and she kinda looked at me funny and then said with a lot of confidence ‘don’t worry you will eventually’#and I just. no I don’t think I will and I don’t WANT that to happen either#and just so many ppl who try to console me about this#do so by making comments like that#but it makes me feel worse……..#but also I would really like to just thinking about it and feeling things about it at all#don’t wanna hate her but I’m tired of constantly thinking about her when that’s not gonna fix anything#and I just. ugh yeah. been thinking about it all a lot today despite my best efforts#and I know a four hour drive isn’t gonna help that……#maybe being around my family will help not cuz they make me feel better but I’ll just be too overwhelmed to think about much else 😭#kaz rambles
1 note
·
View note