#the post cycle depression is REALLY HITTING

[muchemoaboutnothing]

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[insertdisc5]

TIMELOOP GAMES REAL!??!??!!

hi i made a timeloop game called In Stars and Time and this is a whole post about other timeloop games you can also play.

some i liked. some i loved. some i didnt like. all are worth playing and like also listen the second friends and family heard i was making a timeloop game, i got bombarded with timeloop media recs. so here is a sampler in no particular order! NOTE: knowing some of those games are timeloop games is a spoiler. but. you are here. for timeloop games. so timeloop games you shall have

Outer Wilds

If you need to play one timeloop game, it's this one. Please play it blind. I swear to god you won't regret it. it's timeloops in space!!! it makes you think!!! there are so many "HOLY SHIT WAIT I GET IT NOW" moments!!! please just go play it please please please. some of the best environmental storytelling in a game. so many hints in plain sight. JUST PLAY IT

[way more timeloop games under the cut]

Oxenfree

I didn't actually like Oxenfree very much. But also it stayed in my mind for weeks after I finished playing it. that's how you know it's a good game. I really enjoyed the dialogue system in this, and how much the loop affected the characters. and it got so spooky!!!

Hikeback

i'm in the credits for this one because i was one of the inspirations heehee <3 i loved playing it… short little game about trust, self-sabotage, and never-ending cycles. highly recommend it

The Stanley Parable

Listen babes it absolutely counts. I replayed it a bunch while making ISAT, and I got immensely inspired by the dialogue, and how it catches you off guard sometimes? You get SO SO used to the narrator's "All of his coworkers were gone. What could it mean?" at the start of every game, and then for no reason instead it says "A soft wind blew outside and perhaps rain started, and if it did it stopped shortly after. Stanley hoped that he would one day see weather." like WHAT THE FUUUUCK IM GETTING CHILLS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

12 minutes

ok i know we all made fun of this game when it came out because the story is batshit insane HOWEVER!!!!!!!! i REALLY REALLY LOVED how doing the same actions multiple times would have slightly different outcomes. If you battle someone, the first time you get knocked out in one hit and the loop restarts. the second time you try, you evade the first hit, but get knocked out. the third time, you last a little bit longer, and a little bit longer, until you can pretty much hold your own against your enemy. And it applies to so many things in this. Retrying different things to see how they would change was a delight.

this game is also so bad its almost good, and if you're interested you HAVE to play it with friends so you can yell about how bad it is together.

Zero Escape

it's just a good series ok. escape rooms, and also time loops! the 3rd game in particular goes deep into The Math of how timeloops would work, which i think is interesting. sometimes timeloop games just go "yeah you can timeloop dont worry about it" and others go "OK HERE'S THE HOW AND WHY IT WORKS" and both are interesting!

START AGAIN: a prologue

this game has almost everything i could wish for in a timeloop game. depression. lines repeating. dying brings you back. you get new levels and skills because you're aware of the loops but your party members don't. so you get overpowered next to them and they Notice. just. party members who dont know about the loops still noticing something is wrong. you are acting differently than yesterday. you look sad. you are acting weird. you know too much. how did you know where the keys were? how did you know this would happen? what's wrong? talk to us. and oh my god this game has a sequel? which will probably have Actually Everything i could wish for in a timeloop game? i can't wait. who made this? (its me i made this)

Ghost Trick

ok its not really time loops and more time travel and only for 4 minutes HOWEVER!!!! you should play it. you know you should play it because everyone says so. so go play it

Elsinore

im sure its a great game but ive never seen/read hamlet. so thats a failing on my part. because. you absolutely need to know hamlet to understand this game lol i did like the whole "make sure to find out which events are Important and which ones aren't so you can have The Perfect Loop"! very fun. or it would be. if i. knew. hamlet

The Forgotten City

a friend kept recommending it to me and i didn't like it. its good! just not for me. but if you like to think a lot you should play it. another "make sure to find out which events are Important and which ones aren't so you can have The Perfect Loop" game

Gnosia

Gonna be real. I didn't like the story very much, in part because the game lets you choose your gender but still acts like youre a straight dude. HOWEVER the gameplay was very inspiring to me. Every loop is pretty much just an among us meeting, and you have to find out who the imposters are or everyone dies and you loop again. and sometimes you ARE the imposter, so you need to make sure no one finds out. or you loop again. rules get added as time goes on too. i REALLY loved how quickly the loops stacked up. seeing "loop 100" was such a nice moment. ive been here so long! i tried to recreate that somewhat for my own game…

Loop Hero

Technically not a timeloop game, but a loop game. It still absolutely counts because it's about loops and memories, and what are loops and memories together if not a timeloop. You have your little guy going through a closed loop, battling enemies, getting cards, and making the world whole again by using those cards to make forests, towns, lakes come to life. I am famously a Story First Gameplay Second kinda player, but I did play this 45h for the gameplay alone. I learned a lot about battle balancing and randomness by playing this!

You and Me and Her: A Love Story

you know doki doki litterature club? this came before. and one might say. it's. better. in some parts (and i say that as someone who LOVED ddlc!) i won't say much except it's a dating sim but with timeloops. with a lot of what it implies. why are you dating this girl a second time? a third time? a fourth time? choose another one already! it was such a fascinating game to play, and is incredibly meta in the way it talks about dating sims and visual novels. had a lot of very impactful moments however, i played the hentai version. some of the worst, most cringy sex ive ever read and heard. however, one might say the sex is an integral part of the game and its deconstruction of hentai/dating sims…? no. just play the steam version which doesnt have the horrible sex scenes and you will have a great time i think (or play the hentai version. if you like. to watch. horrible sex scenes???)

Higurashi

knowing this is a timeloop game is a massive spoiler. however, this game is more than a decade old, so,,, honestly if you havent played higurashi what are you doing. i know i just spoiled you on it but i was also spoiled on it and i can GUARANTEE YOU that you will still have an amazing time. one more thing. you gotta play with the original sprites or you're a fake fan

I Was a Teenage Exocolonist

starts as a visual novel/management sim/dating sim kinda thing, until you realize that every replay is a new timeline. so the main character can save people, because they remembered about them dying in a previous one. i wish the timeloop would affect the game/story more (let me find a certain character quicker once ive found them in a previous playthrough!!!), but timeloop aside, it's a very fun game to play!!!

that's it! hope you will find a nice timeloop game you like

[venomhoundfanworks]

Hazbin Hotel - Sleeping Habits

NOT TALKING ABOUT DIRTY STUFF. We talking about actual sleep-sleeping. Vent post I guess. Been feeling lovesick and missing having another person in the bed. Which inspired this post. Post about what its like to share a bed with Alastor, Vox, and Lucifer and their overall sleeping habits.

Contents/WARNINGS: Gender neutral reader; SFW except like one suggestive thing in Lucifer's section; I can't tell if writing Lucifer is making my own depression worse or better Actual brainrot below the cut ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

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Alastor ₊˚ ‿︵୨୧

I know alot of people headcanon that Alastor doesn't sleep or sleeps very little. But Hot Take™ here: Alastor sleeps a completely normal amount. Like, 7-8ish hours. He just hides when he does.

I mean think about it. What emotion does Alastor hate expressing more then anything? Vulnerability. When are you (arguably) at your most vulnerable? When you are sleeping.

So I have it in my head that Alastor throws himself into special hiding places when he needs to rest. His room in the hotel with the bayou pocket dimension is a great example. Alastor probably has a hidden cabin in those woods. He actually considers the cabin his "room" and goes there to sleep. But good luck finding it.

Sleeping in front of someone/with someone is kinda a phobia of Alastor's. I wouldn't be surprised if this started developing after he killed someone in their sleep during his mortal life.

Anyway. When you and Alastor become a thing, there really is no defined point where he 'moves in'. It happens more like your boiling a frog. Gradually. Until you reach a point where you don't even know when things changed exactly.

Alastor slowly spends more and more time with you. More time with you inevitably results in him spending more time at your house. Which results in Alastor bringing, and leaving, more of his stuff at your place.

This cycle keeps going and going until one day the culmination hits you. It happens when your looking in your closet, the once messy and haphazard storage space is now tidy and perfectly split between your clothes and Alastor's. Thats when it hits you. The fact that Alastor is practically living with you now. Yet, not only have you two not talked about it, but Alastor doesn't spend the night. Ever.

Don't get me wrong, Alastor will spend all day with you. But when you tell him your getting tired or are about to go to bed, he bids you farewell, kisses your knuckles, and just kind of... leaves.

At first, you attributed his behavior simply to the time period he was from. But as time goes on you realize its something deeper then that. Although you are never fully sure if Alastor doesn't feel comfortable sharing a bed, or if the demon actually needs less sleep then you do.

There have been multiple times where you started falling asleep beside Alastor late at night. When Alastor got up to leave, you would grab the edge of his coat and plead with him to stay. Alastor would then settle beside you, gently caressing your forehead, and tell you that he would stay until your asleep.

During these times, Alastor will often gently hum if not outright sing to you in an attempt to lull you to sleep. One of Alastor's new favorite things to do is to settle in next to you with a nice book while you snuggle into his side and fall asleep.

Once your sleep, Alastor will gently put his book down and turn to look at you lovingly. Alastor is very much that type of weirdo who likes to watch you sleep. He finds everything about your sleeping self utterly adorable; and will happily gush about whatever you do just to embarrass/fluster you. When I say everything, I do mean everything. If you snore, drool, whatever it is, Alastor finds it endearing.

He will usually stay and bask in your sleeping glory for awhile before leaving. But Alastor always kisses your forehead goodbye. Its a little moment of vulnerability only he knows about.

Alastor is an enigma. While he has no problem staying with you until your sleeping soundly, he refuses to actually stay the night. The only time you can reliably get him to stay in bed with you is during his ruts. Otherwise, the stars just have to align right.

If you actually do manage to get him to sleep in the bed with you, Alastor is very much a big spoon. He likes to protectively wrap his arms around you and embrace you. Pulling your bodies flush together and assuring you both of the other's presence. Alastor will tangle his legs with yours as well; throwing one leg over your hip to pull you ever closer, and sliding the other one in between your legs for even more contact

Alastor won't complain too much if he is already laying there and you decide to wrap your arms around him, spooning him instead. But Alastor's preferred position is as the big spoon by far.

The big downside of sleeping with Alastor is that he will not let you go once he is asleep. I hope you don't have to pee in the middle of the night because this man's arms have you in a deathgrip you cannot escape from. It feels like his subconscious mind is afraid that if he let you go, he would lose you forever.

Alastor also nuzzles his face into the back of your neck and shoulders while he sleeps. Your not sure if this is actually an affectionate gesture or a deer scenting thing.

Alastor's ears always seem to be moving. They twist, turn, and flick around. Reacting to the smallest of sounds and listening for danger while he snoozes.

Overall Assessment: An acquired taste. Just like cannibalism.

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Vox ₊˚ ‿︵୨୧

Has the best internal clock out of the entire Hazbin cast (and thats not a pun). Vox is very consistent with his sleep schedule. He is in bed around 11pm-midnight, and naturally wakes up around 6ish. No alarm needed. Unless he has to wake up extra early for a meeting of course.

Honestly, this guy's internal clock is rock solid. The only times it gets fucked up are when Velvette and/or Valentino (mostly Valentino, lets be real here) drag him out to a party, bar, or club late at night. Vox never has a good time anyway, so he doesn't even know why he goes.

Vox always ends up trashed and staying up until like 3-4am. Not exactly a good idea when your body has been trained to wake up early. His body will wake him up only a couple hours after he went to sleep whether he likes it or not.

This usually ends up with Vox being super sick for a day. Because he is still kind of drunk, but also kind of hungover, living on two hours of sleep, and drinking coffee like its water just to remain standing. Vox is just a complete mess and no one knows why he came into work to be honest.

Vox goes to bed early that night (at 10pm; thats "early" for him), and wakes up the next day mostly recovered and reset. Mostly.

Once you and Vox get together, you help Vox's sleep immensely. Whether purposely or not, you start teaching Vox to prioritize his sleep more and how to get actual rest.

Vox can actually *gasp* take a nap if you do it together. He doesn't even remember the last time he was able to have one. But now he loves it and siestas become a regular thing the two of you share.

You also mess up Vox's internal clock. But in a good way. Yeah, Vox still wakes up like clockwork every morning. But if your snuggled into him and still sleeping, Vox can actually go back to sleep.

Vox's preferred sleeping position by far is the Nuzzle/Cradle. His widescreen forces him to sleep on his back so there isnt exactly many options... But Vox really wants to cuddle and touch you.

So youll inevitably end up draping yourself practically on top of him like a weighted blanket. Your head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of Vox's pulse, with his fingers gently petting you… Also like a weighted blanket, you comfort Vox in a way he cannot begin to explain.

Vox will get pouty if you don't like sleeping on his chest or its too hot to do so. He will deny through and through that he does it though. Vox is one of those people who is like 'IM NOT POUTING' as their bottom lip is sticking fully out.

But once you two start sharing a bed, Vox actually has to be touching you in some way. He doesn't know what it is, but he just cant get comfortable and starts getting restless when you two arent touching. So other good sleep positions that work well with him are the Tetherball or the Leg Hug.

For the Tetherball; Vox will just simply rest his hand on your hip while you sleep. This works best if your a side sleeper, cause then Vox can gently hold the curve of your hip. Drawing mindless shapes into your skin with his claws as you both go to sleep. This simple contact is more then enough to assure Vox that your there and safe so he can rest peacefully.

As for the Leg Hug; Vox feels weird about it at first. Sticking his leg out to the side, hoping for some contact. God, he feels desperate. But he needs to feel you. When he does, all his anxiety immediately melts away. When you reach your leg back and tangle it with his, Vox feels butterflies rise into his chest. You really do love him.

Once Vox is asleep, he is... odd, to say the least. He is simultaneously a light sleeper and a heavy one. You figure it has something to do with the technological parts of him and what they deem 'safe' or not. Like, what triggers his internal alarms.

For example, you can easily just get up from the bed, shake the bed, bounce off it, and Vox wont budge. Won't even move. But then someone sneezes outside his hotel room and he is up instantly.

Because of how light of a sleeper he is, it takes Vox forever to go to sleep. He is one of those people who has to lay there for a solid hour. Even then he rarely goes into actual deep sleep. Vox tends to go into this weird rest mode where his screen will start doing that old dvd logo bounce thing. If his screen is completely black however, it means that he actually managed to fully power down for once.

For the love of god, if Vox actually fully powers down, do not jolt him awake. Vox going into deep sleep like that is rare enough as it is. But waking him up suddenly from it makes him incredibly groggy. It honestly completely ruins his entire day because he feels like he never fully wakes up.

You can always tell when Vox is awake (or semi-awake) because he will be gently petting you, tracing circles into your skin as a way to sooth himself. The moment Vox goes to sleep, he stops. You've also noticed that when this happens, his hands tighten slightly into a protective grip on you.

Overall Assessment: The best one to sleep with on the list if your looking for actual rest. Too protective for his own good even in his sleep.

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Lucifer ₊˚ ‿︵୨୧

I hope you don't like actual rest too much. Because this guy has no idea what a sleep schedule is. I mean, he kinda did when Lilith was around. But since she has been gone everything has just been out the window.

As my fellow depressed people will know, it wreaks havoc on your sleep. One day you cant get out of bed and sleep twenty hours. Then you cant sleep at all and go days with only three hours of sleep total. This guy does that.

Not to mention this man is certainly, most definitely, somewhere on the spectrum. Thats also gonna fuck with his sleep massively. Lucifer will hyperfocus on a project and forget that 'oh yeah, food and sleep are things I need'.

Lucifer will hyperfocus on a new duck he is making and not leave his workshop for over 15 hours at a time. When he DOES leave, its only to make snack/food runs. Passes out on his workbench or tea-table constantly.

So uh. Yeah. Poor guy has no actual sleep schedule. When he starts staying at the hotel, Lucifer is commonly wide awake at 3am and highkey will scare the shit out of people like a ghost. Insomnia to the nines.

Once he is actually asleep, Lucifer sleeps like a dead man. Nothing can wake him up. This is a learned trait. In the height of his depression after Lilith left, Lucifer stopped seeing a point in getting up most days. He started sleeping through alarms, sirens, explosions... He just stopped bothering. What's the point? Its not like he has anything good to wake up to anyway.

Lucifer starts... trying to fix his sleep schedule once him and Charlie reconnect so he can spend more time with her. Well. Attempting would be a better word for it. Lucifer keeps doing that thing where he goes, 'oh yeah I should try going to bed early tonight', then proceeds to stay up past four in the morning. So no progress has actually been made.

Once YOU come around however, Lucifer actually starts sleeping normally again! Eh, kind of. Its a work in progress. But its progress! Which is MUCH further then he has gotten before!

The problem is, you have to trick Lucifer into sleeping. Otherwise he will keep trying to say he is busy, say 'just one more thing' to infinity, or start whining that he isn't tired.

So what do you do? Start kissing him and entice him to bed with the promise of cuddles. Or you can start kissing and nipping at Lucifer's neck with a different kind of sleeping in mind... (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ He is sure to stay in bed with you if you wear him out first, right?

Another tactic that works everytime is to pretend to fall asleep next to him in his workshop. Sometimes this plan fails right away because you actually do end up falling asleep; but thats not the point here. Lucifer gets the most loving smile on his face as he picks you up bridal style and takes you to bed, only for you to grab his arm and pull him into the bed with you.

You thought it was a pain getting him into bed? Well he is a pain once he is in the bed too.

Lucifer is an actual koala. He can't just be touching you, oh no. He has to be embracing you. He has to be having as much contact as physically possible in order to sleep. It seems like every night his goal is to see what new shape of human knot he can tie you two in.

I hope you run cold or can tolerate heat well. Because like I said this is the ONLY way Lucifer can sleep. Lucifer will do whatever he can to make it work though. If you tell him your uncomfortable, he will change how your limbs are intertwined. If you tell him your too hot, whelp. Time to start losing some layers. And blankets are overrated anyways!

If you tell Lucifer you legitimately cant sleep like a pretzel, it will actually break his little heart. Lucifer will 100% take it as a personal rejection. He will stop sleeping in the bed with you all together so he doesn't "bother" you.

On a much happier note; once you two are tangled up and somehow manage to fall asleep, Lucifer is the cutest thing once he is sleeping.

Lucifer does that thing where he will half wake up in the middle of the night and kiss you before going back to sleep. If you do the same thing (or just generally kiss Lucifer while he is asleep), he will make little happy sounds in his sleep when you do so. You swear they sound kind of like bird cheeps.

Also thanks to >>this combo post<< by @poisned and @heart-of-the-morningstar I now have it permanently in my head that Lucifer talks/mumbles in his sleep.

Before you two got together, it was mostly nonsense or things about his ducks. But now you often hear him muttering your name, how much he loves you, or just saying other lovey-dovey junk in his sleep.

Overall Assessment: Lucifer is extremely difficult to handle, but doing his best. That's what really counts right?

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AN: Just a disclaimer, the thing about tricking Lucifer into bed by pretending to fall asleep in his workshop so he carries you isnt my idea either. It was from a cute fic here on Tumblr but I cant find it at all. ๐·°(⋟﹏⋞)°·๐ Please lmk if you know what fic Im talking about! I literally spent hours looking for it.

LINKS AND FURTHER READING ₊˚ ‿︵୨୧

My Masterlist for my Other Work: >>HERE<<

Part 2 to this post - Morning Routines: >>HERE<<

AO3 Archive Link: >>HERE<<

Check out this ADORABLE fic about Vox trying not to wake up his very sleepy s/o >>HERE<< by @/timeslugarts

One of my favorite posts is this super cute bedtime and pajama headcanon post by @/activesplooger that can be found >>HERE<<

[bluee08]

Astr observations 《4》

Disclaimer: I am not an astrologer. This post is only for entertainment purposes, so whatever I have mentioned, if it is reasonates, well and good, and if it doesn't, then please take it with a grain of salt. Thankyou.

🛖 Aries in 3rd house may have a very reckless yet mature behind the scenes relationship with their siblings. They also fight a lot with their siblings for no reason. Surprisingly, this usually goes physical more than verbal. Very playful relationship. There is always a strong urge to hit the other person and irritate them to death. It gives them pleasure. When injured, you might immediately stop the fight no matter how serious it is and take care of each other. Oh, and if someone else dares to trouble any of you, hell would break loose. They can't hear anything bad about each other. In certain cases, this could also apply to mars in 3rd house.

🪵 Dirty mind, Dirty mind, Dirty, Dirty, Dirty mind~ Heard the song? Yeah it's made for those who have their personal planets or ascendant conjuct asteroid Prevert. Trust me, the dumb way to die is by sneaking a glance in their minds. You will be traumatized for the rest of your life and will never look at them the same way again. At any given moment their thoughts are always in gutter. Yeah I am calling myself out at this one. Do I care? No.

🛖 Mars in 10th house folks are really good at dancing. They dance so well.... like you can see the passion in their steps. Dancing can be one of the hobbies in their lives. These people can also be known for dancing professionally and being captivating as hell on social media.

🪵 Lilith in 7th house could indiacte having seen a lot of failed marriages in their life. This could be in their immediate family or even include their own parents. Hence these people have a really different mindset when it comes to marriages. They might even resent the idea of getting married and often question, what's the point?

🛖 Moon in 1st house are babies. Literally babies. Like they look so damn cute and adorable that I just can't help myself but give them a huge hug. They are the most genuine type of people I think because its rarely when what's on their mind is not on their faces. They look so innocent and naive (even if they are legit not.) People just wanna protect them at all costs. They bring out the maternal instinct for them from the other person naturally. But no matter what their warmth is the best comfort zone and their arms are home <3

🪵 Mars in 5th house would definitely be that uncle/aunt/cousin/sibling who spoiled small kids to death and taught them to do weird stunts and create a headache for other family members.

🛖 Transit Saturn in 1st house is really frustrating. It feels like you are doing nothing progressive for yourself and just wasting time. Your efforts go in vain and its really hard to maintain consistency. Sometimes you also realize what mistakes you are making but you find it difficult to correct them. Mental state is always fluctuating and self-confidence is very down. This mainly goes on until the very end when you realize that now you gotta be serious. But when you really do hardwork and break the cycle of laziness, it pays off. Its like an immature, careless kid suddenly becoming a responsible and serious person. Remember, our beloved saturn plays mind games with you. Its either you break free from this if you want the prize or pay the price.

🪵 The people that I have seen to be most likely get cornered, misunderstood and targeted are people having chiron in their 1st house. Its really concerning and hurtful. Because of other idiots these babies get hurt on a very deep and subconscious level. They occasionally have identity crisis and depression is their bestfriend. They try to be happy but life always seems to push something in their way.

For example, I have this relative of mine and she lost her brother a year before she got married. She thought if she starts fresh, it would help. But unfortunately turned out her in-laws were not good people. She was gravely misunderstood by everyone. Even if people knew that it was not her fault, they took great pleasure in gossiping about her, blaming her and literally named her a psycho. Which she is not ofcourse. She was just mentally fragile and instead of understanding her, supporting her, they made her more unstable for no reason.

🛖 Leo venus folks love Cats. They are an animal lover by heart and soul. They are someone who might stop their car in the middle of the road because they saw a really cute cat walking on the sidewalk. Just to go their and mingle with it while thinking, If only I could take it home....

🪵 Cancer moons in 3rd house, please, please stop imitating that baby voice just to butter me up and get your work done. You might think its cute but no, I can see through everything and its so annoying plus immature. Ofc now it doesn't apply to everyone out there but those who do, please take my advice and stop it. Usually I have noticed only underdeveloped people do this but until they realize, its too late and others already find them so annoying. Honestly Cancer moons are so smart yet sometimes they.....*sighs*

🛖 Nessus aspecting Mercury could mean that you often end up hurting people through your words or the way you communicate even when you genuinely don't mean it. These people are really misunderstood a lot of times. Also this works the other way too. For example, you get easily hurt or offended when people speak ill about you. They might just share their opinion on your new home decor but instead you would feel insulted when in reality that's not the case. Not that you would hold a grudge, it depends person to person but you will definitely not overlook that. It would just sting a lot for no reason. You will always wonder, why did she say that?

For positive aspects, this could work out well too, for instance they know exactly what to say and what not to. They can be great negotiators, entrepreneurs and social influencers. They also know how to handle people embodying nessus qualities like a troll or opposition hell bent on creating trouble. Hard aspect people will slowly learn to overcome their problems in communication with time and experience.

🪵 Mars opposite MC screams suppressed anger. The thick tension between their anger and self-image is unbelievable. They don't like to get angry in public. They often gulp down their anger to the last extent because they don't want their reputation to get spoiled because of it. Sometimes its automatic they wanna get angry at someone but end up swallowing it anyway. But please don't test their patience. They might just explode unexpected at any time like a nuclear bomb and destroy everything within their range, not caring about their public image whatsoever.

🛖 Lilith in first house/Conjuct Ascendant are the infamous bad examples of the family while Lilith opposite Ascendant are the good examples with secrets darker than nightsky- always holding their sanity with a single string. Ironically, both are siblings, two sides of the same coin.

🪵 Remember, in one of my posts, I said that I don't relate with Aquarius rising and their unique fashion sense? Well, guys, I finally cracked the mystery! It's not our fashion sense that's unique. It's us. We are the aliens. Ok, that was a bad joke. But really, for example, a few months back, I wore a very pretty dress at my cousin's wedding. And istg people were looking at me like I was an alien, like I wore something totally out of the blue. As if It was not something improper or overdressed but very different than what everyone was wearing, which, of course, was not the case.

Now the funny thing is, if it was someone else wearing the same dress, I don't think anyone would've said anything about it. And voila! It happened. A few days back, I attended a family function, and I saw a girl wearing the same dress in different color and design. And fr nobody uttered a word. Those same people overlooked her as if it was totally normal. As if they didn't just make me talk of the town for a whole week because of that dress. So yeah, finally figured out, it's me, I am the problem.

🛖 Its not always true when they say Earth Mars people are calm and collected. I mean they are but suppose you have a virgo mars but you also have a Leo or Aries or Sagittarius stelium, your Virgo mars will be crying in the corner while that fire stellium will create a havoc and burn down the whole world in matter of some seconds.

🪵 North node in 11th house people are so likable. They are that one friend who knows the entire school and vice versa. So many connections and so many new friends. They just keep making connections left and right no matter where they go. People like to be in their contact. This gives me 'popular girl' vibe.

🛖 You sneaky little thing, you think no one knows how much you love reading smut? Yeah you, I am talking to you, Scorpio Jupiter/3rd house. Look me in the eye, I dare you to deny this.

🪵 Mercury conjuct Mars.... man, they literally spit fire when they talk. Can't win any argument against them. Ngl, I told my friend that I would leave her if she doesn't keep her hands off me special mention to her love language that is playfully hitting me at any possible situation. She just laughed and said, "Go, nobody would take you." Me: Cries silently. Her: I know baby truth hurts. Lemme give you a hug.

🛖 If you have no positive aspect to sun in your natal chart, it might be possible that people don't like your personality much. They think you are too egoistical or full of yourself. They might also backbitch about you a lot. Now this is just what I have observed so far. So it may not reasonate with everyone.

🪵 People with Sun conjuct Ascendant make very great leaders. They have a king/queen Aura surrounding them. And when they speak or share their opinion, people actually listen and take them seriously. When they walk in a room, they make sure everyone knows who has the authority.

[makingspiritualityreal]

Visibility of Houses in Astrology

An often overlooked aspect of Astrological houses and their behavior in one's chart is their element of visibility and how it determines our life path. That becomes particularly important, when we look at the behavior of Nakshatras and their divine stories replicated in our human lives.

For starters, basic theory that is important as the premise of this post, that shows astrological houses linked to specific hours. Refer to the image above. Because of their positions relative to the time of day, certain houses fall "in and out" of the human eye at different times of day, aka certain traits of our personality will become more or less visible to others, socially, or in certain settings, and depending on which planets we have in these houses in our charts, we will end up with different results.

The obvious and most visible planets will always be those located in the 1st and the 10th house. Why? Because these houses are always illuminated by the Sun, either by the Sunrise or the blinding Sun of High Noon. These are the most obvious, unforgettable aspects of your personality, that will hit everyone in the face the moment they lay eyes on you, even if they don't really know you at all. You may have many other planets placed in all kinds of houses, your realm of thoughts and feelings may be something completely else, but whatever is in these houses will always be what people superficially identify you with. When you read into the mythology of the Nakshatras, you will see that the patterns of planets in Nakshatras positioned in these houses, and your ascendant Nakshatra if you have no planets in 1st or 10th, will be so much more visible to others and in your interactions with them than anything else in your chart.

To give you an example of how this works, my Ascendant and Sun in the 1st house are both in Vishakha Nakshatra, that is known for being charismatic and powerful to the point of being eccentric, especially with the Sun being the planet of authority. When people see me in my physical life, they tend to be intimidated and never suspect the depth of my inner feelings, and this went on even when I was so depressed I didn't want to live anymore. I also think most people would be surprised my main occupation is astrology and spiritual research and how deep and contemplative my interests are compared to my flamboyant appearance.

The other significantly visible elements of the chart are houses 4 and 7, as these are the other cardinal points of the day cycle. The 4th house is the Full Moon, the Mid Night, so everything in this house is going to be what shines the most during the night. It is less obvious, but still talked about. The 7th house, with the Sunset, or otherwise going away of the Sun, is visible as the projected element. In reality, the Sun never goes away, it only sets relative to our perspective. So the 7th house is where the Sun goes to shine "somewhere else" in a way that brings it to our attention the most, where we outwardly project the consciousness of Solar presence to its full extent.

The other part of this equation are the least visible houses in the chart, and these are houses 8 and 12, 12 being the most prominent. Why? The 12th house is what hides directly behind the Sunrise. While the Sun gets everyone's attention in the 1st house, the 12th house operates in the shadows of the 1st house's glaring light, doing the most important, but silent work during the day. It's the part of the chart, that gets taken for granted the most, yet is such an important preparational foundational element. The 8th house performs a similar function to a lesser extent, as it is also a preparatory element, that is taken care of in anticipation of the sunset and the day ending. So yet again, the house is so important but gets taken for granted, as the 7th house gets more focus even if it is through projection.

The other important side point is that whichever house the Sun is sitting in is supposed to be more visible, and Saturn makes any planet in a house it sits in become less obvious. It can only be found with discernment.

What is to be made of this analysis? Any planets we have in the 8th or 12th house will be taken for granted by most, or be more visible from a distance, only discerned by the most watchful eye. Any planet especially in the 1st and 10th house will stare everyone in the face, 4th and 7th will also get appreciation to an extent. As a result, it is easier to have certain planets in certain houses for maximum result. When you have fundamental, important planets in your chart in the 12th house especially, your real personality might be hard to understand for most, outside of your partner and close circle. When you have other planets in the 1st and 10th house to pair with it, you get a person who may have a completely different image compared to their actual personality and emotional world and egoic consciousness. It takes time to get to know them.

Notice, that no part of the chart is really "non existent". It's just that certain parts of you are recognised instantly, but others take time to really be explored, not just by others but also by yourself, as they take self discipline and commitment and refinement to appear in a polished form.

[a-dragons-journal]

Chicken or Egg: Causes of Fictionality

This post was crossposted to the Fictionkind Dreamwidth (linked above).

One of the questions I hear a lot about fictionfolk from outside observers, though less than I used to, is about whether a fiction-based identity can really predate the media it's based in. The answer, of course, is observably that yes, it can; many fictionfolk report that the experiences that lead them to a fiction-based identity long predate exposure to the media that finally made it all "click" and gave them a name. The other answer is that it doesn't matter - even if the identity wasn't present before exposure to the source media, it's still just as real and important as if it had been.

I don't think, however, that I've often or maybe ever seen discussion of the fact that sometimes it's just impossible to tell. I don't know whether my hearthome predates my exposure to Avatar. When I first watched Avatar, you see, I was young enough that I don't really have any recollection of it - a few vague impressions, and the fact that we watched it the first time on my aunt's brand-new widescreen TV (very exciting), and the fact that I immediately integrated a version oftsaheylu (the neural bond that Pandoran creatures can make with each other) into some of my worldbuilding projects afterward, and that's about it. I have a poor childhood memory (a poor episodic memory in general, for that matter); the only reason I know that my draconity is as old as it is is because I have childhood friends with a far better memory than I who remember me talking about feeling a tail when we must have been only eight or nine years old. I simply do not remember whether or not any experiences linked to my hearthome predate my exposure to Avatar, or whether Avatar caused them wholesale.

The fact of the matter is, it's probably a mix of both. On the one hand, Avatar is a piece of media infamous for creating hearthome feelings in people - there was a whole phenomenon called "post-Avatar depression" or "the post-Avatar blues" when it came out, where people worldwide got so invested in the world of Pandora that they fell into a legitimate depression episode because it wasn't real. (Real thing, look it up. News outlets reported on it and everything.) It is, in all honesty, almost designed to do so - the hearthome feelings, I mean, not the depression. Pandora is designed from the ground up to get people to fall in love with the world, and to then transfer those feelings to Earth and environmental efforts here. That's Avatar's mission statement - and it does it well. There's a reason literally half of the first movie is dedicated to just exploring and experiencing Pandora, and a reason that the game Frontiers of Pandora spends so much time and resources on the details of the world around you.

On the other, realistically, one must assume that Avatar hit me so hard because it was tapping into something that was already present to some extent. People connect to fiction because it speaks to something already inside them, as well as teaching them something new. What exactly that was in my case, however, I can only guess. Maybe it was the wildness and green beauty of the world; maybe it was tsaheylu and the intimate and complete connection that it provides; maybe it was the specific creatures and plants and some pre-existing connection there. I just don't know, and realistically never will.

And you know what? I'm okay with that. I don't know why Eywa'eveng is hearthome to me, and I'm fine with that - it is, and that's what really matters. I don't know what's chicken, what's egg, and what's the evolution that happens over cycle after cycle of both. Maybe I would have longed for something undefinable even if I'd never seen Avatar, or maybe I wouldn't, or maybe it would have latched onto some other fictional world (or real place, for that matter) instead. There's no telling now - there is only what is, and I find myself satisfied with that.

[august--and-everything-after]

So there have been a lot of times in my life (anywhere from a few days to months at a time) where I've felt too tired and unenergized to do anything. We could discuss this with respect to my depression but that's not what this post is about.

I tend to ramble, so the tl'dr is this: doing nothing often makes you more tired. The more you do in a day*, the more you are telling your body "hey we need energy to do this" and the more your body responds by providing that energy.

(*obviously up to a point, this whole post is meant only in relation to typical day-to-day life and YMMV with how much activity is a good amount for you – but I promise you it's not "no activity")

My rambling is under the cut tho for people who want to read more.

On some level it makes me mad that it works this way, but in my experience doing nothing generally makes me more tired, or at least keeps me in the cycle of apathy and inactivity. I might think of it as "resting" to have a day where I sleep in and loaf around and play video games the whole time, but at the end of the day I feel just as lethargic and unmotivated as I did before because this isn't resting, it's rotting.

What actually helps me is doing stuff. I tend to have more energy when I've done different things throughout the day, moved around, had different kinds of inputs and outputs. If I'm exhausted when I wake up and I spend the day doing nothing, I'll stay that way. But by and large, if I wake up exhausted and, for instance, drag myself thru the process of making a slightly more complicated breakfast (I'm talking just like an omelet or scrambled eggs vs crackers and cream cheese level of effort), and I maybe tackle some small chores, and do a bit of light stretching, and do a crossword puzzle or a craft, and play video games, and spend some time just chilling, and I mix these activities up so I'm not doing the same thing for hours and hours at a time then I feel way better by the end of the day.

Psychologically, we know that lack of stimulation is bad for your brain – it slows everything down, makes you feel depressed, etc. – and an adequate level of stimulation is necessary to feel good and energized and happy. (I mean good stimulation, not scrolling instagram all day type stimulation, but that's another post by itself).

My best guess as to what's happening physiologically is that your body adjusts how much energy it makes based on how much demand there is. We all know that you eat food and your body uses it for energy, but here's what's happening at the cellular level (highly simplified, the details are completely irrelevant here): your body breaks the food down into different molecules of carbohydrates, fats, proteins, etc., and then uses those molecules to make a different molecule called ATP. This molecule is vitally important to how your body functions because it's what makes so many different cellular processes work, including things like muscle contractions and nerve impulses. You can probably see how not having enough of that molecule going around can really slow you down and make you feel fatigued and foggy-headed.

Generally, biological organisms don't like wasting energy for no reason, and it takes energy to make energy. When your body "makes" energy, it's making the energy stored in different molecules into a form that is usable by your body. If there's a low demand for energy, your body won't waste the energy that it already has making more, since it's not being used. The stored energy can stay in storage. When you get more active tho, that activity signals to your body that there IS a need for energy, so it gets to work making more of that stored energy available, and then you're off to the races.

Huge caveat that I've not done additional research for this post, this is based on my education and personal knowledge, I'm not a doctor and this shouldn't be taken as medical advice, etc.

Feel free to hit me up with questions or comments about anything I said here, or general observations about my rambling wordiness and lack of flow lol

[aninonimosstuff-blog]

Hello everypony, I come here to make an announcement.

I will be rather busy this week, I have finals coming my way and a lot of tests I have to retake...

I will still be uploading content but it will definitely start to slow down...

I'm putting a hold on replying to asks... But I still will be receiving any asks y'all want to send, and if it's something simple and for me I will be able to reply to it in no time. Like y'all know my drawings are pretty simple but I like to create a nice story telling and plan everything... There are only one factor for me to reply to your asks a bit quicker....

1- A funny interaction between characters, it has to be funny.

I actually find this problem with many asks, at least, for Fast that is. I get a lot of those and I neglect them because they don't scratch my brain or bring enough energy to reply. I don't mind at all text, it's super sweet to read all of what y'all have to say, but my brain works a bit differently. I see colours, a character, a funny interaction or statement and my brain is absolutely hooked on your ask!.... Meanwhile when I see a question with text my imagination juice frikin dies... But again, that doesn't mean I don't actually mean I won't reply to your asks if it's only text, I will always try to think about something and find a way to make it funny to see or have my character just go into existential mode.

I want to keep drawing about Fast but oh man Turbos questions are way more fun to do than Fast's. Y'all can be silly with any of my characters! Get comfy and be silly with them! (Not that comfy to ask friked up stuff) But a funny character interaction can make things for me a bit easier to manage, because silliness is what I have more to offer.

Topic 2...

Replies to reblogs/art commissions. (Tw for mentions of burned out, depression,self hate,vent)

If I don't reply to your reblogs with a drawing like I have been doing since I started my journey here, I am probably neglecting it for a few days/months. And I know that makes me an asshole and makes me feel shitty about myself, and I'm sorry I do that, that's never my intention. I'm here to express joy and silliness even if I'm suffering a burnt out or a depressive episode all of the sudden. Most of the time I am in a constant cycle of depression and burnt out from replying to asks(mostly text) most of the day of the week. But I still try to deliver something, because y'all deserve it, I don't want to leave my Tumblr, I love posting every day!.....

I am a person who sadly works on silly energy, and when that is gone makes my life a misery. I ran out of energy most of the time thanks to my depression, who always hits me on the back of the head when I have to do something productive.

I will put my ass on working on commissions... Now.

Now... Let's address the Turbo in the room with us.

About myself.

I am selfish, and I won't deny it. I am a selfish person. I LOVE the attention, I love receiving art of my character, I love getting likes, I love getting comments and I love getting asks.

And when I don't get that attention that I'm carving I get all annoyed and pissy with myself, I can be a "bit" toxic.

Sadly attention is one of the many things why I keep this blog alive. Not only do I still love Wir and the beautiful community, but I love the attention.

But attention seeking always can get you so far, until all that you love it's gone, and attention seeking is what is left in you. That will then push you over and make you feel bad with yourself that you would do ANYTHING for that small bit of attention, that being from your peers or strangers.

I am selfish and a jealous wolf, I like interacting with my friends I like to get attention from my friends, it's a vicious cycle, and it's really toxic.

That's why I most of the time I control myself, or at least try. I try to not explode and show how jealous I am. Because that's bad.

I have been working on that issue for a long time, I would say I have been working on controlling my jealousy since 2020 when I was spending too much time online to the point of making my depression worsen.

But luckily I'm trying to change that. And I apologize if I ever went a bit turbo on any of my posts... I'm still working on it.

What to expect in the future?

I will keep posting and replying asks.

I will keep being online

I will probably be more active next month rather than now.

A lot of events are coming and I want to do all of them.

Cool animatics

My birthday is coming (December 21) and I will be rather busy that day, so a heads up for that.

On vacations I want to work on animation and try to make puppet rigs for my character Fast.

On vacation I want to go back to my old ways of posting and replying with cute drawings as fast (and good like now) as I can.

That's everything for now, thank you so much for reading this!...

I will be posting more soon.

-Ewolf

[mayashesfly]

Hi!!

I really love your idea with that Au where Vox forgot about Alastor. I hope you don't mind questions because I have a few 😅😅

Why did he erase his memories? Was it because it was too painful to remember, or was it because he couldn’t deal with the obsession anymore and wanted to move on? 

What will Alastor do about this? How do the Vees react to this information? Like they obviously know Alastor unlike Vox.

Thank you for expressing your interest and asking! I'm glad you enjoy the idea ^w^

I have also made another post about Forgotten Radio AU here if you like to read that. Though do take note that some of the things I've said here and there may be subject to change as I flesh out this AU of mine in time.

For the first question, it's a mixture of the two.

Before Alastor left for seven years, Alastor and Vox had a fight that spiralled out of control which caused Valentino to intervene, causing Vox and Valentino's left antenna to be both be damaged because of Alastor's pettiness. After that, Alastor disappeared while Vox and Valentino was recuperating from that fight.

(Velvette didn't intervene despite already being a part of the Vees at this point since she feels like she doesn't have the right to because she doesn't know the full context of Alastor and Vox's previous relationship and what Vox and Valentino had been through. Vox and Alastor was already having their bitter rivalry and fighting by the time Velvette manifested in Hell)

A major part of my personal take on Vox's character is that he has this built-in need to constantly improve himself so he doesn't lose the things he has in his life.

Vox knows that his obsession with Alastor has been negatively impacting his life and those around him. Especially since it was because of a fight between him and Alastor that Valentino lost his antenna.

When he ended up in a depressive episode and constantly trying to look for Alastor everywhere with his cameras, he ended up neglecting his relationship with Valentino and Velvette. Even Voxtek took a hit since the wound was still raw (literally)

He was at a standstill and he needed an intervention.

Stat.

The first initial "memory wipe" was an impulsive harsh decision on his part. It was sloppy and rough since Alastor was so intricately tied into his early memories in Hell.

But it worked.

At least, for a little bit.

One day, Vox left his office, greeting Valentino and Velvette. The two commenting on the other's more cheery attitude.

At first, Vox was disoriented from the memory wipe. But it instantly improved his mood like never before. For once since that someone's disappearance who is that someone? his mind was completely clear.

Some of his early memories with Valentino was also spotty however. But it eventually smoothened out and he was able to clearly recall those moments of Val.

Though that was not all.

For some reason, he can't bring himself to renovate certain buildings under his name. He didn't really know why but when he saw a certain torn up photo inside of one of his drawers near his bed....

Memories of Alastor flooded back inside his mind and the brutal cycle went again.

It was only after cleanly cutting himself away from the picture did his next memory wipe became much more successful.

He kept the photo of Alastor for business and planning reasons only.

But now there was nothing showing on the picture that he had ever been involved with that demon.

He had been able to find the root of the problem which has caused the failed memory wipe. But now that he has that sorted out and have the appropriate safety and preventive measures to ensure that won't happen again...

Alastor would never take from him again.

Not when he can't ever remember him again.

While Vox is a technology demon, his soul is still human. So despite being able to theoretically erase his memories from his physical body, they're still there spiritually inside of him. Not all demons are given a physical brain after all.

I mean one of the Overlords is a skull on fire, there's probably not a brain there somewhere. And Vox can LITERALLY change his head. Not only that but I'm sure some Sinners got their brains fucked one way or another before fully regenerating, but they'll still probably retain their memory. So yeah, I'm going with the soul shenanigans route on this one.

One of Vox's "preventive measures" to ensure his memory wipe business won't unravel ever again is by wiping his short-term memory about any interaction and mention of the Radio Demon. It was inevitable that one of the Vees would question him about Alastor even after he informed them of his decision after all.

That's also the reason why after Val informed Vox about Alastor return and residence in the Hazbin Hotel that he forgot about him again and thought Alastor was a new upcoming Overlord during the meeting.

My apologies for the long winded explaining-turned-writing. That's just how my brain works when explaining these things :P

Now on your second question!

At first, Alastor would do subtle gestures in order to gain Vox's attention hopefully. However each failed attempt would make his frustration slowly grow and grow over time.

When Alastor caught sight of the painfully obvious Vox drones around the hotel, he purposefully posed in front of them a few times, hoping to finally gloat out the tv-headed demon from his hiding. Much to his growing annoyance and confusion though, nothing happened as the drones flew passed him due to the corrupting footage in order to clearly see what else was happening in the hotel. He did this for a few times a day in slowly increasing frequency for the entire week before Sir Pentious attacked the hotel again and proceeded to get fucked over for ruining Alastor's coat. Alastor barely letting the poor demon alive thanks to Charlie's pleas.

Alastor has missed Vox.

After his seven years of absence, the first place he went to was the very first store front he helped Vox to get and buy. The Radio Shack. At first, those picture boxes were the newest thing in town. And he didn't even stain them with the innards of his enemies!

But a certain broadcast brought him back to reality as to why he was able to go back to hell as he stared at the image of the Princess of Hell, Charlie Morningstar.

Vox has already sold some of the old tvs despite being stained and bloodied, unlike in Canon because of his lack of attachment.

Alastor was banking on Vox to notice his absence and do something about it just like old times. However a week of waiting and nothing had happened. Except for the new additions of drones around the hotel he resided in.

He thought by some point surely Vox would do something as he posed in front of the cameras subtly. But nothing happened for a week and Alastor started to feel confused because he didn't know if Vox was actually paying attention to him when those stupid flying things were just ignoring him!

(In my mind, the reason why Alastor looked mildly annoyed at Vox's broadcast in Stayed Gone was because he thought Vox would've confronted him directly instead of dissing him on the screen. It was a special occasion after all! He just came back from a seven year absence! But no. He still happily took the chance though and quickly ran/teleported back into his radio tower to diss him back)

After the confrontation between the two of them in the Overlord Meeting, it takes Alastor a while to puzzle out what Vox did to himself. He doesn't fully know that Vox actually completely wiped his memories of him but he does know that Vox doesn't seem to care about him anymore, even with their bitter rivalry and that hurt.

It was yet another thing that changed when it was somrthing he could always count on despite how fucked up that is.

His frustration starts being inflicted onto other people who were unfortunate enough to cross his path while he's fuming about this change (ei Sir Pentious and possibly Husker later down the line)

And his want to get back Vox's attention eventually escalates to him destroying some of Vox's properties by asking his Shadow. Starting small like a few drones and cameras, to some of the store fronts of his. (But never the Radio Shack. Never that.)

Even with Alastor's feelings about Vox ignoring him, he would never risk his reputation by overtly and directly trying to get Vox's attention by himself.

The only way I can see this plot between Alastor and Vox progress is when enough time has passed and Alastor's inhibitors and self-control snapped that he physically teleports himself into Vox's office to directly confront him. (It hurt to use his shadow to travel there with all the blinding lights but the hidden radio in his office helped to ease the stinging pain a little)

Or Vox directly involves himself with the Hazbin Hotel because he never sent in Sir Pentious himself and he still had to make sure that the Radio Demon, a previously powerful Overlord, wouldn't make a deal with the Princess of Hell of all people. (Unlike Canon Vox, he has enough tact to stay in the same room as Alastor to not need a proxy. On the topic of Sir Pentious, it's currently a toss up if he'll ever enter the Hazbin Hotel or not and fuck up the timeline big time)

Once Alastor realized just how badly Vox fucked up that he erased his memories of him, he would try his best to jog his memory.

But constantly having to reintroduce yourself to Vox because his memories of you keeo getting wiped away is excruciating.

"Are you new around here?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm sorry, I don't think we've met before"

"It's nice to meet the man helping Princess Charlie with her endeavor"

"Oh! So you're the Radio Demon himself?"

"I'm Vox from Voxtek, the Leader of the Vees. Nice to meet you"

So any of his progress, no matter how little or large would get erased the next meeting. Even if he just left his sight for even a moment....

It was going nowhere.

He can never ever reconnect with Vox ever again.

Just like he wanted.

Even as his friendship bloomed with the Princess and the residents, even as his powers and influence continue to grow, it was always back to square one with him.

He was so close, yet he was the farthest he's ever been to him.

"You've never cared about me, Alastor. What changed now?"

Now with the Vees, Valentino was rather furious and hurt the first time it happened. Vox didn't even consult him, didn't even say anything to him about this decision! And it hurt when Vox seemed to have also lost some of his memories of him. Velvette had also been enraged and confused about Vox's actions. It was needless to say they were both unnerved.

It took a while, but they got used to it and Vox getting back his memories of Valentino helped.

Vox was happier this way after all, and it wasn't like they can do anything to revert his decision even if it was done in impulse...

However, it had been difficult for them when Vox had a relapse after regaining his memoried of Alastor. The grief was raw and fresh again which didn't help matters.

This time around though, despite Vox's distressed state, they did talk about his decision and vowed to try to never mention the Radio Demon again. It still takes them some time adjusting though, and even Val falls through on his old habits sometimes.

They know it was Vox's decision and they respect that. Even if it hurts a bit, at least he was happy.

I hope this sufficiently answered your questions even if most ended up as writing instead of concise explanations. Thank you for asking these questions! It makes me happy to see you guys are interested! ^w^ ^w^

[bluemoonpunch]

Relationship Reading for Choi San and Jung Wooyoung - Tarot Reading

[This reading covers the relationship dynamic between Choi San and Jung Wooyoung on a subconscious and energetic level. This particular reading can cover romantic, platonic, and familial relationships and is designed to put a connection between two people into perspective, showcasing what is gained from the relationship and what the highest potential of the connection is. I used The Linestrider’s Journey Tarot for this reading. This spread is an original design by me. This reading lasted less than 1 hour.]

Reading Performed: July 4, 2024

Posted: July 13, 2024

Back in November/December of 2023, I had random hyperfixation on ATEEZ for a solid month or so — I heard Bouncy and it was all downhill from there. My dumb ass, as always, started reading in on their energy and there were some interesting things that came through the first time I watched the MV for Bouncy, and came to find out, I did readings on a couple of the members back in 2018 and some of that same energy was coming through. It was really interesting because I recognized it, saw it so clearly, and then found out I wrote about the exact same imagery years ago. That led to me SPIRALING and basically breaking down the entire group's current state, purpose, past lives, bla bla bla, the whole thing. Like, I was going to write a 50-page report on all of it because it was genuinely fascinating what was coming through and how it was seemingly showing up in their personal development and work now.

Depression and physical health issues hit, so I never did write anything, but I saw some really, really, really interesting stuff for San and Wooyoung that suggests an isolated lifetime centered on healing and protection that stems from issues that arose in a past life where Wooyoung would have been on his own due to necessary soul development that was needed in order to occupy the same space as San on a higher level. Quite literally, it looked like they were just casually fucking around on Earth for centuries, popped out, and realized they couldn’t go where they wanted to go together without Wooyoung’s soul experiencing more development, so they threw him back in on his own in a hyper-compressed incarnation cycle and things just didn't go well.

That lifetime, which was actually an incarnation cycle of three lifetimes back to back, ended up being quite negative and left “scars” on the souls of everyone involved. I really could write a whole other thing about all of this, I have a ridiculous amount of notes on it because out of everyone, they have the most interestingly deep soul connection I have ever seen out of all the readings I have ever done. Like, they are literally here to do nothing else but heal Wooyoung’s soul and balance energy — balancing energy and healing seems to be the group’s collective “purpose,” although they seem to have given themselves this purpose. They are not, as I’ve seen it, “on the roster,” but are to be influential, especially as individuals.

For San and Wooyoung, when I first watched the video I was like, oh they definitely have some vibes together, don’t they? And then I found out that San is a Cancer and Wooyoung is a Sagittarius. I have, FOR YEARSSSS, wanted to analyze a pair made up of a Cancer and Sagittarius because I’ve always found their reflective energies together to be so interesting. You have Cancer, Cardinal Water, Firery Water, boiling water, a spewing geyser, and Sagittarius, Mutable Fire, Watery Fire, flowing fire, an erupting volcano. They’re quite literally the SAME energies, visually they line up, they just erupt from different spaces. Fire and Water are the most difficult elements to balance, but Cancer and Sagittarius have an inherent balance within them between Water and Fire, although it can make them a bit temperamental and sensitive.

To me, it always felt like a Cancer and Sagittarius would simply have to hate each other until there was just one split second where they both happened to “erupt” at the same time, express something from within at the same time, and suddenly they’re like, “oh, you’re me, i’m you” and then it’s just best friends forever. And that’s basically what I saw between them when looking at their energetic connections now within this lifetime.

For the sake of not getting too wild off the bat, I will just focus on what came through in this reading alone, but if anyone is interested, I will GLADLY unload all of what I have for ATEEZ down the line.

Overall Energy

As expected, Healing and Regeneration are at the head of the overall energy between them. Healing and protection are extremely strong links for them that are rooted in the soul. So deeply rooted that this may feel more instinctual for them at this point than emotional or mental. Healing represents the energy, while Regeneration marks where and how that energy is being used. It gives me the sense of the souls re-expanding after experiencing a few downfalls, especially on Wooyoung’s side where, as I mentioned, he has acquired some pretty deep soul scars from past lifetimes.

Discovery (Mercury in Sagittarius) and the Lunar Eclipse both give this incredible sense of conscious level expansion to match with the expansion of their souls. They could explore spiritual things together, or discuss personal philosophy with each other. This is very focused between the two of them and gives me the sense of them being able to holds a “birs’s eye view” when they ponder things together, as if their vision becomes clearer through the other, allowing them to understand themselves, each other, and the world much easier when they seek it out together.

The Queen of Cups at the end there grounds a lot of this energy into a more physical and conscious place, but still highlights the strong soul connection and suggests tightly woven emotional bonds as well. One of the keywords with this card is “devotion” which suits them well on all levels of connection.

Before we get to the main reading, I just want to point out how INSANE it is that the mirrored state of their souls showed up in this reading so clearly. I really do want to do a deepdive post on them at some point because everything that I’ve seen for them has honestly blown my mind, and their cards here just add to that.

San’s Projection: Ten of Wands (rev.) Wooyoung’s Projection: Ten of Swords (rev.)

This set marks the energy that San and Wooyoung individually project into their relationship with each other. This is purely an energetic projection and may not reflect emotional or mental connections. Here, San is projecting the reversed Ten of Wands while Wooyoung is projecting the reversed Ten of Swords. These are the “bad 10s” in tarot, both holding quite a lot of pain, frustration and even death in their upright positions. There may be a display here of conflict between the soul and the conscious level aspects as both of these cards essentially are in denial of themselves, but seemingly for the sake of each other.

Tens mark the end, and when reversed, that end is being denied or something isn’t being brought to completion. On San’s end, the focus is on Wands, Fire, energy, and matters of the body, while Wooyoung’s focuses on Swords, Air, thoughts and communication, and matters of the mind. It displays a set dynamic where San is the body and Wooyoung is the mind, which is somewhat similar to what I saw of their souls in a state before they started incarnating on Earth. On a conscious and physical level, this settles more as physical and mental burdens they both share partially being withheld from the other.

Essentially, it’s like the reversed state of these cards came by two hands. For example, if San is feeling physically unwell he may hide it from Wooyoung to not worry him, but Wooyoung may also be someone he wants to be around when he’s not feeling well. Therefore there could be a kind of secret nurturing where sometimes they have to ask each other or very directly express their negative states to each other, and other times they can care for each other without much talking at all. So, in some aspects, they reverse their own cards, and in others, they reverse each other. Either way, they will never get to a breaking point, they will never hit a physical or mental “rock bottom” so long as they have the other to balance them.

To explain the cards more, the Ten of Wands, when upright, traditionally features someone carrying a lot of sticks (Wands/Fire/Energy) towards a destination that is quite far away in the background of the image. In the Rider-Waite deck, the man in the image is shown to really be struggling, hunched over with his face buried in the sticks as he tries to keep hold of them. In the image in this deck, it’s shown as a young girl who has collapsed on the ground with a bag of sticks on her back as she stares at her destination in the background.

It’s physical overwhelm or overexertion that puts a lot of strain on the body. This card can have a positive side to it as it can suggest that whatever overwhelming or strenuous situation you are in right now may come to an end soon, but when it is reversed, it’s more so allowing yourself to drop those sticks and take a breather. This can be positive as you can catch your breath and regain some energy, but in other situations, reversals here could line up with someone giving up just before they’re about to hit their finish line.

For San, I really feel this in a literal way where there is overexertion on the body, or a tendency to overdo physical activity, especially in a stressed state, and either for Wooyoung’s sake, or with the help of Wooyoung, he pulls that energy down, grounds himself, and sort of tempers his own Fire. It’s making me think of someone who would work out quite hard for hours, and then finish up with a grounding meditation. I will say that San’s soul, where it stems from, is a very high place, his energy is very high frequency and with that, it can be quite hard to hold that energy in the body. A lot of movement or bodily focus is necessary for him to stay grounded, so this may be connected to that as well.

The Ten of Swords, when upright, traditionally shows a man lying dead on a shoreline with ten swords in his back. In the background, we can see the sky either clearing or gathering in a storm, and the sun either rising or setting in the background. As Swords relate to Air energy, thoughts and communication, logic, and harsh reality, the Ten of Swords marks an undeniable end, one you can’t alleviate or run from. This can have a lot to do with anxiety and depression, as well as negative self-image if you can imagine the swords as your own thoughts and the body as yourself.

As I’ve seen in past explorations with them, both in past lives (and out-of-body lives) and the current lifetime, Wooyoung seems to have quite a bit of mental weight to him, but it’s not necessarily observational, as in it’s not so much that he’s thinking a lot, it’s like he takes in a lot of what is around him, what he hears, what he sees, and he holds onto it. The image of the Ten of Swords here in this deck is more so accurate to what I feel for Wooyoung.

In the image, a deer (I think) is shown to have been shot by many arrows and is twisted in pain. Those arrows could be equated to the words and actions of other people that Wooyoung carries with him. This can reflect his soul state with the soul scarring, as well as his current state where there does seem to be some sensitivity and maybe some personal insecurity to him.

They hide from each other a little bit, they hide this stress from each other, but at the same time it’s kind of impossible to do such a thing when they are so closely linked that you could argue they may be able to read each other's minds. They hide these states from each other, but at the same time, they each help the other to maintain and balance these quite heavy energies and keep them from ever reaching a true breaking point.

How San Sees Wooyoung: Nine of Cups + Ace of Cups How Wooyoung Sees San: Ace of Pentacles + Nine of Pentacles

This was the most insane part of the reading for me. The mirrored Tens already had me like O.O, and then this shit came out and I was like, what the fuck am I even supposed to do with this??

This set covers how, based on the current state and their projections, they see each other within their relationship. San sees Wooyoung as the Nine of Cups and the Ace of Cups, while Wooyoung sees San as the Nine of Pentacles and Ace of Pentacles. I find it interesting that while they are “hiding” their Tens from each other, they actively acknowledge and seem to praise each other at their peaks with these Nines. What’s even more fun is that in these suits, Cups and Pentacles, the Tens are some of the most positive cards in the deck, and with these Aces here, it almost feels like they look at each other as if they have the ingredients to make the Ten of Pentacles and the Ten of Cups — Ace (1) + Nine.

Here, they also seem to really acknowledge each other as a counterpart, someone they balance with, or someone who has what they are missing. Wooyoung, who may experience a bit more emotional and mental turmoil, looks to San as this space of stability and support, a strong foundation based in Earth energy with the Pentacles. There’s an admiration through the Nine of Pentacles for how independent he is and how well he is able to accomplish what he sets out to do. San, who seems to be a bit more physically oriented for the sake of staying grounded, sees Wooyoung as this flowing energy, seeing him as having more Water to him. A strong, open sensitivity that he finds fulfilling and relaxing. There’s an appreciation here for creativity and fluidity as well.

My favorite thing about this, is that as they acknowledge each other as counterparts through these energies, they are essentially blending Earth and Water energy. Similar to Water and Fire, Water and Earth can be a bit tricky to mix as you can destabilize Earth with Water, or dry out and absorb Water with Earth. In its perfect balance, however, as it is displayed here with these mirrored energies, Water and Earth come together to create clay. Something, energy, that can be shaped and molded at will into anything. Combining that with an element of balance between Divine Masculine energy on San’s side and Divine Feminine energy on Wooyoung’s side, you basically have two people who, when working together, are a magic wand away from being The Magician, a master manifestor.

In other words, anything they create together or work on together where they can focus on each other could be considered magic in the sense that they would have quite a lot of ease in bringing their visions to life while working together.

Current State of The Relationship: The Lovers Highest Potential: Ten of Pentacles

Here, The Lovers came out to represent the current state of their relationship, while the Ten of Pentacles popped out to showcase the highest potential of their relationship going forward. I put them together because what it looks like to me is that the Lovers represent the soul connection while the Ten of Pentacles represent that soul connection being completely integrated into the physical and conscious levels. They’re already there pretty much, perhaps that’s the significance of the Nines and Aces combos, but this suggests that they’re supposed to get to that higher state and integrate more of those higher aspects.

In one of the many readings I did for them, I did see, especially for San as his soul is quite BIG energetically speaking, that there were multiple stages of soul integration that he would experience in this lifetime that would be marked by alterations of the body — found out a bit later that he did bulk up quite a bit over the last few years, so I assume, especially when it comes to the need to ground into the physical through the actual body, that this is reflective of that. Wooyoung doesn’t have as much to integrate, but his soul is still occupying a much higher state than he is right now on a conscious level. The integration for Wooyoung may be noticeable in drastic changes regarding self-perception, self-esteem, and how he operates or expresses himself artistically.

As this entire lifetime is very self-focused (focused on each other) for the two of them, specifically in the realm of healing Wooyoung and progressing his soul a bit more so that he can join San out of body on a more well-matched level, it makes sense that potentially the Ten of Pentacles here marks, in its entirety, the completion of this lifetime with all that they set out to do being accomplished. The current state of The Lovers implies personal alignment, but in this context, reflects their deep soul unity and recognition of each other as soul counterparts (the term "soulmate" doesn’t quite capture how significant this connection actually is).

The Lovers, on a soul level, based on the traditional Rider-Waite image, showcases personal inner alignment of the layers of consciousness — conscious, subconscious, unconscious — through the images of Adam, Eve, and the Angel Raphael. Adam represents the conscious mind that looks to Eve, the receptive, intuitive subconscious, who looks to the Higher Self, the higher unconscious mind represented by the Angel.

In addition to that, Adam and Eve stand in as representatives of the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine as Eve, the force of Life, stands in front of a flourishing tree and Adam, the force of destruction or deconstruction, stands in front of a burning tree. When they are in balance, Life and Death dance happily, but if Adam looks away from Eve, if the Divine Masculine loses sight of the Divine Feminine, it loses connection to its own soul, stagnates, and becomes destructive toward the surrounding environment. If Eve disconnects from either side, she can become destructive toward herself.

The Lovers card in this deck here shows San and Wooyoung as these counterparts, Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, being in perfect sync with each other, implying that within themselves they hold that personal alignment, and are able to meet each other on all levels. This is what makes soul integration possible for them and is what is fueling the soul healing that Wooyoung is experiencing in this lifetime.

*More readings at bluemoonpunch.com!

[icypantherwrites]

Given my last post, I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to those who reached out to me. It means a lot ♥ I don't have the energy to respond to each person individually, but please know that for now I am okay. Full disclosure, I actually meant to post that on my private 'shouting into the abyss' blog where I try to get more of my negative feelings out without potentially upsetting or hurting anyone else, but I apparently didn't select the correct profile this time. I'm super sorry for both the concerning content and also for not responding as I don't have Tumblr alerts on my phone and was unaware until I came on today for the mix-up.

Below is an author's note that I just uploaded along with chapter four of Here that I wanted to post here as well given it's not exclusive to that fanfiction (but to note it was written for an update hence some of the wording) and in a way relates to my previous post and where my mental health is right now.

Thanks for reading and thank you again to those who reached out. I truly appreciate it and your concern.

Author's note:

A more of a serious note now and it is a bit long, but if you can, please read as it’s important. As you may have realized, this chapter is a month out from the last update and the main reason for that is I have been really, really struggling with my mental health. I’ve been trying to get some space from some of these key culprits online (which is pretty much fanfiction) as unfortunately I can’t do the same with a lot of the one I deal with on a daily basis of family and friends and work, but every time I try to come back there’s just another nail there in the coffin reminding me of why I stepped back. I’m a giver and always have been and unfortunately the vast majority of the fanfiction world and people in my life are takers. And I’m just… drained. I feel stretched thin and worn down and taken for granted and to always have people asking for more more more and not appreciating all that I am doing and have already done just makes me feel even worse and then guilty I’m not able to do more for the people that are supportive and it’s a constant cycle. I’m exhausted. I’m depressed. I’m really hurting.

And unfortunately I know there’s a bunch of people on here who don’t care and won’t care and will bitch at me for expressing these feelings because they can only compare what they see of my fanfiction to their own and heaven forbid I dare feel upset about a lack of engagement or thoughtful comments because it’s more than they get. I don’t care. I’m not comparing it, they are. It’s the same concept of saying ‘what do you have to be depressed about? You have a well paying job and own a home and don’t have cancer (thankfully biopsy came back negative) and aren’t starving so you can’t be depressed. It doesn’t work like that (and for anyone who knows even an inkling of that feeling personally, hugs to you) and I’m so tired of being told what I should be feeling and attacked when I don’t measure up to some impossible standard. I’m trying. I’m trying every day to stay here, to be the support pillar I’ve always been for everyone in my life, online and in person, and to try to find the joy and positivity that always drags me out of my black hole before I’m lost to it. I am trying to continue to post my stories even when there’s barely anyone engaging on my other platform and same here where there are far less engaged readers than hits and kudos would indicate because I know how much it sucks to have a story be abandoned and I also know how important a lot of the support in my stories is to many (believe me, I know because that’s how I got into this genre and niche because I needed it too). I was trying to engage myself with readers in comments, find that spark again for my writing that I’ve come to just feel sad about. It’s hard. But I’m trying.

And all I can ask is that if you are a fan of my works, please, help support me. Leave a thoughtful comment about the story/chapter when you read it (you can always come back too, story will still be here). Have patience and kindness if updates take a while. Don’t post comments demanding an update or saying you never comment but wanted to let me know you were commenting now because you want another update (that is not the support you may think it is xD). If you can't say anything nice than say nothing at all (that includes unsolicited advice and attacks upon my person and character that too many folks think is okay to do in an online forum). Remember that authors are people too and we have a lot of stuff going on that you don’t know about in our own lives. Please just… be kind. Be thoughtful. And be a bright light against this black hole ♥ Thanks for reading and look forward to hearing what you thought of the chapter :)

[forbiddentaako]

Ghostfuckers spoilers ahoy, I have more rambly thoughts like with the Apology Tour post

Forget Stolitz and Blitzo's depression era for a second I need to talk about Blitzo and Millie's friendship bc I'm actually so feral about them its not even funny!!!! Like congrats to Helluva for getting me to care about stolitz and all but hitting me with a best friendship that was deeply important was diabolical and Im gonna get unhinged about their friendship in the same way people are unhinged about stolitz.

Like Millie and Blitzo being close friends didn't come out of nowhere to me because its very clear they are close from their other interactions in other episodes, but a lot of those involved the group dynamic being the focus, so it was really nice getting a look at what Blitzo and millie are like between just the two of them. And like the biggest moments are obviously the 2 conversations they have and the implications of said conversations, but also just the dynamic they have is really cute??? And overall narratively how Blitz and millie's relationship matters so much especially at this point in the story makes me want to bite things the longer I think about it.

With the first convo they have after Blitzo is having a hallucination induced breakdown the sticking point for me was Millie explicitly telling him her life is better with him in it, because first of all I don't think blitzo really ever hears that explicitly even from those he is close with, which must hit even harder at the moment with Blitzo feeling like he makes everyone around him worse without fail. And the fact that this comes after the 'what ifs' of how millie could have died in ways that would have technically been because of him-outcomes in which Blitzo's involvement in her life *did* actively make it worse-feeding into Blitzo's insecurities but simultaneously showing the audience that this is not an objective truth, something that millie reinforced verbally to Blitzo in their conversation?? I just think it was really well done.

Also with Millie it wasn't just that him being a part of her life makes it better, but the things that Millie points to as reasoning are just who Blitz is s a person and are aspects of himself that he doesn't even think about or realize have any affect on others, let alone a positive one. The fact that these are subconscious traits help to catch Blitzo off guard and force him to question his previously held beliefs about how he affects people because every other action we see him fixate on is something he has thought about or is aware of whereas he had never even considered this. They also force Blitzo to acknowledge that he does have good traits and is in fact a complicated person rather than an unequivocally bad one, an important step in actually breaking his cycles.

One thing that stuck out to me so much in this episode too was that Blitzo and Millie have excellent chemistry, which makes their relationship feel very organic and helps us as the audience being able to understand why the episode plays out the way it does.

Blitzo is not actively engaged in his friendship with millie in the same way he is with his other relationships, and thus its harder to pick up on the effects he's having, which in turn makes it much easier for his preconceived notions to be challenged than with a relationship like him and stolas (more on that later if I decide to make another post about it). It's very similar with Millie's side as well in terms of not having to actively engage, and thus its very easy to reassure blitzo the way she does in the episode, because again, it's not a conscious effort to try and make him feel better, it's just her telling the truth from her perspective. Which not only makes their friendship feel so natural but also makes it so much harder for Blitzo to deny what she is telling him, because even if he doesn't want to believe it due to his self hatred he still trusts she's being honest. And the fact that Millie is someone he trusts like this!!! That this is just a part of their relationship!!! Matters so much to me!!

While in most of his relationships the work Blitzo puts in to analyze them would rely on trying to convince himself that he *isn't* a piece of shit, with Millie he would have to work to convince himself that he *is* one, and this shift mentally is gonna force him to re-evaluate what he holds as an unequivocal truth about himself and his relationships. Because he cannot hold onto the idea that he unconsciously ruins those around him when him and millie's relationship exists as it does with him unconsciously improving her life.

The second conversation also showed what I was hoping for coming off of apology tour with Blitzo genuinely wanting to make a change in his relationships with those in his life, and in some ways actually starting to. Ghostfuckers made things pretty clear that Blitzo's deeply rooted insecurities and self hatred are part of the reason he's stuck in these self destructive cycles and why he views his role in his relationships in such a negative light, but his friendship with Millie is the first step in him feeling comfortable enough in the thought that he is even capable of doing good and becoming better to start to correct his thinking. And this is shown at least subtly in the episode with the heart to heart they have at the end of it!

I really hope that going forward Blitzo is going to be leaning more heavily onto this relationship with Millie not only because I love them but also because it is the only relationship in his life currently that he perceives as stable, and the only one where he has been reassured that his presence is wanted and positive. It's very possible that because he hasn't dealt with his deeper issues yet he views his friendship with Millie as just an exception to his beliefs, but its still so important that he now has to acknowledge there are exceptions that he had never considered. Thus to some extent he has to grapple with the fact that he is not viewing himself objectively, and that can be a turning point into improvement because he can no longer belief that the way he is is simply beyond help.

Basically I liked apology tour forcing Blitzo to rock bottom, to have to confront his flaws and face the people he's hurt, and to understand why he needs to change because he can't keep living like this. But I liked Ghostfuckers because it forced Blitzo to acknowledge that he *can* be a better person, that things are more complicated than he was willing to acknowledge, and that he isn't a lost cause because if he dwells on the hopelessness he *still* won't ever be able to change.

Basically I can't believe the show about Blitzo's relationships with others is getting me attached to blitzo's relationships with others, and the fact that a pivotal relationship to both him as a character and his narrative arc is a platonic relationship means the world to me actually.

[bots-and-cons]

Hey, i saw your "Scarlet Witch!Reader" and it gives me an idea.

Imagine she heard the discussions from the Autobots (She's on Team Prime after all) about her chaos magic powers could lead to destructions and that she will turn mad with power (which is completely the opposite, she's stable enough as she can be and kind and generous) and they should "keep an eye of her" in case she'll go crazy and what how do we stop her (aka in need to keep on lock her up) which affects her more and made her feel more outcast from them as much she's outcast from society which depressed her more. One day, in a terrible battle between them and the Decepticons, she "sacrifice" to save them (either she did sacrifice herself but miraculously survived but find herself alone after battle because everyone believe she died with it or secretly gets away from them in complete isolation from everyone, both humans and Autobots, living in a cottage in a forest or something, helping saving her world in her own way)

How Team Prime will react of her "death" and their guilts ? Because Some bot *cough*Ratchet*cough* was immediately rather skeptical and unsure about her (but grew soft sport for her soon) which discusses his concerns to the Bots before her "death" (Can't honestly blame him because of Megatron but NOT EVERYONE end like him Ratchet 😒)

(P.S, you can add IF Team Prime's reactions IF they EVER heard that she's alive and learning WHY she left somewhere FAR away from them. would they want to reach her again or....?)

So the HCs you mentioned don't really play into this, but if anyone is interested they can be found here. I did HCs since those are always easier and I wanted to write this. You can also interpret this as a prequel to this post. This is a bit of a ramble tbh and I didn’t do all the bots, just some

•You know your powers can scare people sometimes, they sometimes even scare you, but you thought the autobots were different

•They never truly hated you or anything, but they were skeptical of your powers and how much control you had over them

•When you accidentally hit Bulk with a rock that you were aiming at a vehicon, it all started to go downhill

•Sometimes you would do things with more strength than you needed to, and broke something, but a lot of the bots interpreted that as you doing it on purpose

•You thought they wouldn’t shun you or want to imprison you, but apparently you had been wrong

•They were just like everyone else, thinking your powers would drive you to madness or make you evil somehow

•You tried to ignore the whispers at the base, the conversations that stopped when you entered the room, the way Ratchet kept an eye on you every time you were around the kids and the way Arcee kept glaring at you

•These things didn’t help any, because they just made you angry and when you got irritated, you had less control

•It ended up being a vicious cycle, that you couldn’t seem to get out of

•It was getting to be too much, you wanted to get away from the autobots, away from anyone who would treat you with prejudice because of your powers

•You’re a kind and caring person, but somehow your strength seemed to be the deciding factor in how others treated you, instead of your personality

•You decided you wanted to leave, but you didn’t know how you’d be able to

•The autobots kept a pretty keen eye on you all the time, so you would have to do something drastic

•You didn’t know what that was going to be until you got the chance to do it

•You were fighting with the autobots against the decepticons, and you saw your chance

•You could fake your death and get away, you wouldn’t be chained down again, by anyone

•When you disappeared from the battlefield, the autobots assumed you had been taken or that they just couldn’t find your body

•Of course there was no body to find, but they didn’t know that

•When Optimus brought the news back to the base that you were gone, Ratchet sort of scoffed

•The type of “I told you so” scoff, that he used pretty often

•There was a lot of conversation at the base afterwards about if you were really dead and even if you weren’t maybe it was better you were gone

•Arcee was probably the most outspoken about her feelings about it being good that you weren’t at the base anymore

•She got a few surprised looks, but no one disagreed with her

•Bee and Smokescreen sort of fell victim to their seniors’ bias but neither of them hated you or anything

•Optimus was left with a lot of guilt after your “death”, even though he wanted to protect others from you, he wanted to protect you too

•He knew you weren’t a bad person, but he had seen what too much power can do to someone

•Maybe they were all too quick to judge, but they couldn’t do anything about it now, you were gone

•Arcee was always primarily worried about the trouble trio around you, because she had seen you literally rip vehicons apart when you needed to

•She was worried that if one of the kids angered you, you might hurt them

•Ratchet kept his “I told you so” attitude for a while after your “death”, but he eventually came to feel very guilty about how he had treated you during your last months with the team

[l-0-s-t-at-s-3-a]

here's why purging sucks.

this is a reminder to myself first and foremost, but i'm posting it so people see it as well, because I think it's a good reminder. I've been purging (making myself vomit) consistently for more than eight months, but it's been off and on since i was around 15 (I'm 22).

this/my obsession with food has made my life immeasurably worse. Below are some symptoms that i have now that i purge consistently. these consequences are why i want to stop purging. i dont know how im going to stop, or when. i just want to stop, and heres why.

** TRIGGER WARNING- TALKING ABOUT BULIMIA IN DEPTH. Talking about dissociation, vomit, suicidal ideation, and various symptoms I've had. Take care of yourself. Don't read this if you think it'll be triggering. **

Physical Consequences

light headed/woozy

weak, sometimes not even wanting to move my arms, turn my head, or move my thumb to scroll on my phone because it's too much effort.

chest pain, sometimes cant breathe due to the sudden pain

tired, always wanting to lay/sit down

Sensitive teeth

hungry a lot- which usually leads to more bingeing, and then purging again

broken blood vessels on my face/temples. It's unnerving.

gaining and losing weight constantly

nauseous a lot of the time

dry skin

calluses on the knuckles of my right hand

These are all awful, but as bad as the physical symptoms are, the mental aspect is much worse for me.

Mental Consequences

unmotivated to live life.

dissociating to the point i do not recognize my face in the mirror, my hands in front of me, or my name. also, the world often looks fake to me, like a painting or a movie- everything seems fogged over like i cant really see it, people all seem fake or like theyre reading a script, or like the world is a set on a tv show where the same things happen over and over.. coming in and out of this state is no less than the most terrifying thing ive ever experienced- so i dissociate more, and the cycle continues.

i isolate much more.

im incredibly quick to anger. i scream into a pillow, punch myself, hit my own head, just to stop myself from screaming at people , because my blood sugar is up and down constantly, and that heavily affects my emotions

forgetful- short term and long term memories are difficult to remember now

bad at explaining myself. bad at remembering the definition of words.

thinking far too much about food- when i can binge next, what i will eat, when i can purge.

im incredibly self conscious, more so now.

i think about vomit a lot. especially when i look at food. i think things like, i know what that'll look like coming back up, or that already looks like vomit, or oh, that'll taste exactly the same when i puke it up, or, that'll be easier/harder to puke up- the list goes on.

crying easily, but only for like less than a minute before my emotions shut down again?

chronically, suicidally depressed. obviously

on that note- i think about death a lot. a LOT. too much for a 22 year old. too much for anyone.

I keep trying to think of a good way to end this, to give a hopeful message, but honestly, my hands are shaking really bad, and I feel weak and I can't think anymore because it's taken almost an hour to type this out and that's too much effort and it's making me unbearably angry.

And I think that's pretty much the message I'm trying to tell you. This is what this illness does. So don't do this to yourself unless you want these consequences. Good luck

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

IM BACK IN THE GULAG AGAIN! HELLO. I've been grinding out my college courses and this is part of it. Ryoshu is my f/o and I set her as my fictional partner in this mandated child raising simulation for my child development class. I am well aware all of this is out of character but I don't care. I named the fictional partner Ryoshu to make this more fun for myself. If ya didn't last post, this is an adopted son named Yuzu because I'm not creative.

Under the cut is just the work. That is all. Sharing it helps me actually be productive for once.

I have found out the term for being very angst and mad after giving birth. It is called Postpartum Depression. My headcanon with Ryoshu is somehow, her partner is dead, I haven't thought why yet, but postpartum depression hits Ryoshu like a truck once Yuzuki is out. After a long period neglicted her smoking habits, she finds herself reaching her fingers to her lighter sort of stress. A few days after the birth, she set Yuzuki down on a table and physically distances herself away because she can't handle this thing in her life right now. She's irritated, annoyed by the shill cries coming from the infant's mouth. Her fingers twitch and her hands unconciously reach for a box of cigaretes collecting dust next to her. She walks out of the room and takes the longest drag she has in over 41 weeks (the time it takes for baby to develop in the womb)

And she never really stops smoking again after, again. But, it didn't become a problem again until the events of Hell Screen. Anyways.

Man, I forgot this woman is employed. Very nice of Limbus Company to give her six weeks. I can't imagine them being that generous any other time. There's probably a catch. I can't imagine Ryoshu using all those 6 weeks, I more expect Ryoshu to dip and leave two weeks in and not say anything. Not that I think she'd become an absenty father on pupose, but once she realizes or thinks this new child is in safe hands, she would never express it out loud but she's the breadwinner to make sure this child is going to make it out in the City ok. In those weeks, I bet she'd either whip me (or whoever partner she has) into shape so I don't mess baby Yuzu up, or she's taking me and the child into the bus weither anyone allows it or not. She refuses to compromise and I doubt after what happened to Virgilius, at the very least Virgilius would try to negotiate with The Company to drop us off at a safe location or somehow get a room in the Corridor. You know those rv children? It's no way to live but that is effictively what will happen to Yuzu. No sense of being grounded in one place and that will cause its own slew of problems, getting exposed to the concept of mortality early (Or maybe getting the misconception that everyone just revives after dieing, they just need a local clock to rewind them) or I don't know. Horray childhood trauma for Yuzu /j Man the cycle of violence will 100% repeat itself. Ryoshu barely interacts with the kid that is hers. I don't blame her.

I'm picking "I will quit work and stay home with the baby until Yuzu is old enough for daycare and will continue to work." but can you imagine hijinks with the Sinners and a child, and out of everyones child, Its Ryoshu's child? I am now imagining Outis yelling at the other sinners not to drop the baby. I can imagine the baby vomiting on Rodya's face. Gregor somehow makes the baby laugh as it plays with his little cockroach anntenna if he had any.

Its the adopted baby, Yuzu. For refrence, the right answer is "I will teach my baby self-soothing techniques and put them down in the crib before they are completly asleep." and that's the one im putting but realistically, it would be either adapting to the scedule or using the strict scedule I feel. I'm not sure but it would be difficult entrusting anyone else with the baby.

This is why I don't like babies.

I'm singing to the child. Props on the devs of this for adding the option "Leave Yuzu in their crib and walk away."

Right off the bat, Number Two is dangerous. Do not give your children to a neighbor you don't know well. Even if you feel you know them well, you probably don't its safest not to. Be careful about all of these. I'm going to leave out exactly why. YOU NEVER KNOW and its not your fault when people take advantage of Your Trust. Don't beat yourself up too hard, but ASAP if there's any signs of anything bad going on with anyone around them, you need to find out for the safety of your child. It's also rare your child will 'lie' about something bad happening with relatives. Its rocky and I say this but there is never a one size fits all thing and don't 100% trust your gut actually because doing that feeds into pre-existing biases you may have at that given moment. I can't tell you what do do but if your reading this, please do reseach and think critically.

It's either "slow to warm up" or "difficult" so I just put "slow to warm up". I think Difficult would be more realistic but im indecisive and id be here all day if I didn't chose anything. Also in all honesty I do not like my fictional baby and I want to punt the baby out the window but don't tell Ryoshu that she'd kill me. I swear ill warm up but im 20 im too young for a baby. Ryoshu's too traumatized for a baby, were stuck with this thing. ok? Agh. I am hissing at the fictional baby. I'm stressing too much about the fictional child I was forced to raise.

It's mostly heathly foods if we can help it, no problem. Im the poor sap getting healthy baby food or making it. Having a fictional baby makes me angry at the world. I hate babies.

I don't know the answer to this one. Baby gym classes for bonding and shit.

If anyone living in the City asked to put anything on my baby, I would drop kick them. No. In the real world though, yeah thats fine, I mostly trust you.

Reading and talking both is the way to go.

I need to save the rest of this for a reblog. Give me a bit.

[liveontelevision]

TV!

(Hazbin Hotel OC/Sona!)

This is TV! TV is a nickname (cuz it's similar to my real name) and I haven't decided on a full name just yet. Here's her backstory and some other info!

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She started as a Hellaverse Persona, but as I went on with the design, I wanted to give her a more unique backstory that's only mildly inspired by my personal life.

She's been through hella conceptual changes i'll probably post a lil' timeline of her progress as a character at some point :)

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Life:

TV was forced into adulthood from a young age. Her parents kicked her out or she may have lost them in some tragic accident, but to add to that she really had no extended family she could contact. She immediately found work locally and didn't return to school to maintain a somewhat livable wage.

Looking back, she always felt like some higher power cursed her. After her hometown had caught onto the fact that she was a 14-year-old lying about her age, who was also working multiple jobs that she really wasn't meant to, she just kept going.

Her next move was to do it all again the next town over. Means of travel really just boiled down to using spare change for buses or walking. My god, she walked everywhere, the poor thing. Rain or Shine. Essentially living on the streets, finding a new place to sleep every night, she managed to abuse this horrid cycle. It took a while, but she did manage to support herself enough to stay put in a small town for a while. Finally settling into a routine, she lived in a cardboard box of an apartment. But hey, it's the first time she's slept on a mattress in years. She also got a waitress job at a retro 50s-style diner. And no matter how frilly the uniform or how short the skirt, she was smart enough to milk every last dime out of her tables. This usually involved letting gentlemen getting a little too handsy, but hey. She had bills to pay. She got used to the constant flirting and finally achieved a more regular routine, but her mind was still broken. She went through phases of depression, having days where she simply couldn't leave her bed, or refused to return home. When she tried to recall what went on during that day, it was simply TV static in her memories, as if she just went into autopilot. These didn't happen often after she got into an average lifestyle, but this ended up being her downfall. Just a few days before her 20th birthday, she took her own life.

(TW: Self Harm/Suicide Depicted)

After a long day of handsy customers, who didn't really tip as well as they should, TV dropped to the floor of her studio apartment, her back against the door. She receded into the same apartment that's getting a rent increase she simply can't afford.

She avoided looking into the mirror as much as she could. Every time it happened, she would get sucked in, her eyes scanning over every flaw. Her bags under her eyes and the large coffee stain down her apron. Her shoes that were nearly worn through and her hair that reeked of cheap coffee and bacon. Tonight, coming home to another red envelope taped to her door, she couldn't mask the exhaustion any longer. Finally managing to rise to her feet, she went on and plopped her purse down onto the counter, rummaging inside and looking for who knows what. She lets out a yelp and slowly pulls out the knife from the kitchen's diner that you had grabbed at some point. When did she grab that? She tried to recall her shift that she just finished, but she must've gone into static mode, again. What made her think she needed this knife? She felt a wave of exhaustion hitting her hard, but she attempted to get ready for bed anyway. She undressed to try and wash the day away, but stopped in her tracks at the mirror. She looked her mostly nude body up and down, stopping at her thighs. Her skin really was beautiful, it's a shame that it's tainted by numerous scars, some fresh, some just barely healed. She clenched her fists to her bust, only drawing her eyes to the scars that laid upon her wrists as well. She went into her autopilot state. Turning her head to look out the bathroom door, she sees her bag and the dirty kitchen knife she smuggled home subconsciously nearby. After that, her mind fell into a pit of static.

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Death:

It felt like waking up from a restless's night sleep, so when she sat up to find herself in the middle of some street instead of her bed, she was perplexed. What managed to get her up and moving was the honking of an approaching van coming full speed in her direction. She scrambled to her feet, just barely avoiding the headlights with a swift leap. When she stood up, she realized how her body didn't ache how it usually does. Her feet weren't wobbly, and her neck and back weren't as stiff as they usually were. Looking back to where she awoke, it startled her how easily she was able to jump such a distance. Finally taking the time to absorb her surroundings, she simply kept walking down these city streets. It was large, and the neon signs and lights were almost too much for her doe eyes to adjust to. She'd really only seen cities like this on postcards, even with all the moving around she had to do in life.

While walking past the store front of an incredibly tall skyscraper, that she couldn't see the top of even if she tried, she saw a collage of screens. One of them had just gone out, drawing her eyes to the sight of televison static. Suddenly, the events of the previous night came back to her.

She died. And this must be Hell? She assumed so, taking a look at the demonic figures walking around her and the giant pentagram stamped onto the sky above her.

In what cruel world does a girl struggling for an easier life deserve to be hellbound?

Continuing her suddenly staggered walk, she was almost immediately stopped at another store front, her reflection catching her eye. For some reason, she appeared in Hell wearing her work uniform. What kind of cruel joke - Were those antlers..? She took a moment to process her new animalistic features. Her skin had a peachfuzz feel to it, and despite the rosiness in her cheeks, her skin looked grey. She yanked at the rabbit ears that trailed down her bust, then reached up to tug at the small antlers, jolting her head in the process. Giving a quick spin, she finally noticed - Oh, you've got to be kidding me - a small little tuft of a tail coming from her backside. She pulled open her mouth next, examining her suddenly rounded front teeth. She had become some kind of Jackalope Demon. A realization that this was her life now suddenly hit. Or her afterlife, at least.

She kept on walking, ignoring any propositions and dodging any troubles to the best of her ability. After a good hike, she found herself on the outskirts of the city, the air somehow clearer. Or as clear as it could be for Hell's standards. A much smaller tower compared to the ones she'd walked by, sat alone at the top of the hill. She recognized it! There were multiple flyers scattered throughout the city with its picture plastered on it. She didn't read into them too much, but did take note of the advertisement because it mentioned free rooms. And any sort of bed sounded like Heaven right now.

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(Aaand then she goes through a bunch of redemption shenanigans n' falls in loooove or something)

Hope you like her :)) give her some luv