#cause if your goal is just to get me to think i need?? to cope??? then 1. it's not working

[emsylcatac]

Naw I actually enjoyed the movie lol. I don't care about Thomas one way or the other I just think Jeremy made a better work of it in totality. Your just coping because the movie is getting praise while the show isn't lmao.

SEE I KNEW IF I OPENED MY MOUTH ABOUT THE MOVIE I'D HAVE YOU ANNOYING GUYS IN MY INBOX FJEJDJJZJDJADKJADNNS

[radiostaticsmile]

Safety and rapid attachment in BPD

People with BPD often form rapid and intense attachments to new people, and this can be especially intense when both people have BPD. These rapid attachments can be dangerous and painful, since you start to get very close to a person before seeing them in many situations and really knowing them. Most of the advice I have received as a person with BPD is to just avoid these kind of attachments. However, in my experience, that will just lead to me self-isolating, because I literally do not know how to make friends with a new person otherwise. I am sort of an all or nothing person, I can let myself talk about everything and be very familiar with someone or I can be entirely closed off and struggle to connect at all.  Additionally, attachment to a new person in this intense fashion causes feelings of euphoria, which I think people with BPD should be allowed to enjoy.

Our goal should not be to have relationships that look like everyone else’s, even if that were possible, which I really do not think that it is. Forcing yourself not to have these attachments can be harmful. However, like I said, these kind of attachments can be dangerous, especially for people who are emotionally volatile like people with BPD are. So instead we need to focus on how to have these kind of attachments safely. The following is advice on how to do this, based on my own experience as a person with BPD who as experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly as a result of rapid intense attachment.

Possible results of attachment

There are three possible results of a rapid attachment. Knowing what all three of them are, and most importantly accepting that they may happen, is important in both keeping yourself safe and treating the person you are attached to well. When you are intensely attached and it is going well, it can feel like you can trust that person with your life, and it is going to last forever. It is not. The intense attachment phase will end, and it is important to know that. It is really a sad news, because it honestly is the best feeling in the world. Something being temporary doesn’t mean you shouldn't enjoy it, however. So enjoy your feelings, lean into them as much as the person you are with consents to it, but accept the that it is not a permanent state. Accepting this can help prevent a BPD crash when it does start to fade in intensity, and it can help you keep an eye out for signs that it is going to end badly.

So what are these three ways it can end?

1. The relationship cools down, but remains good.

This is the ideal! Yippee, you have yourself a new friend. You may miss the intense feelings you had in the beginning, but they can and will come back sometimes, especially if your relationship is kinky and you do a scenario lol. But you are unlikely to have that constant obsession feeling long term, it will come and go or it may stop and you will have a more regular relationship. It is okay to feel less intensely about the person! It doesn’t mean you don’t like them anymore, it just means that intensity is difficult to maintain for a long time!

One important thing to remember about this is that the person you are attaching to may reach this phase before you do! You may have been constantly messaging in the beginning, and now they are replying less often and doing other things. This does not mean they do not like you any more! BPD makes us very sensitive to rejection, and someone reaching this phase before you can hurt! But I promise everything is okay, and this is what you want to eventually happen, because it is what allows you to be able to have a sustainable long term relationship. Do some coping mechanism things while your person is busy, play your favorite games, talk to other friends, color or draw, whatever helps you feel better when you are down. Do not try to make the person talk to you more than is comfortable for them! This is crossing their boundaries and will either scare them away or damage them mentally.

2. The relationship fizzles or ends because of an incompatibility.

When forming an intense attachment, you tend to think about the other person 24/7. You form an idea of them in your head that you really like, but since you do not actually know them that well this idea may not actually match the reality of what that person is like. Sometimes after a bit one or both of you will realize you aren’t actually as compatible as you thought! This is okay! This is normal to happen when getting to know a new person, and you are still getting to know a new person even if they feel very familiar quickly! If this happens, it is important to learn to let the relationship go. Realize they aren’t the person you imagined, and don’t try to force them to change to be that person, and don’t try to convince yourself you still like them if you don’t. It is okay to thank them for the good time and part ways! Often this will just kinda be a fizzling in conversation and both people message less until you just kinda stop. You may need to let the other person know that you do not want the relationship to continue though if they are still interested but you are not. Tell them firmly but politely you are no longer interested. This can be scary but it is important to assert your boundaries! If they try to argue and continue when you are no longer interested, block them. No one is entitled to your time or affection!

3. Abuse and mistreatment.

This is the worst case scenario, and unfortunately it is not uncommon. When you attach to someone quickly, you can often make yourself vulnerable to someone when you don’t know them well yet. Personally, I think it is okay to share personal things quickly, since I do not know how to connect to people otherwise and have a bad sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. Instead, it is important to look for signs that the person is using the things you tell them against you. If you tell them something personal and they then use that to trigger you on purpose or control your behavior, run immediately.

In addition to those who are purposefully using your vulnerability to take advantage of you, there are people who will abuse you on accident. In my experience this is actually a lot more common, so it is important to look out for the signs. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, acting entitled to your time and attention when you are not able or not wanting to give it, or trying to change who you are or modify your behavior, run. And by modify your behavior I do not mean boundary setting or them asking you to treat them differently; that is normal relationship negotiation. I mean if someone is trying to get you to change your sleeping or eating habits for them, control who else you talk to, push you to do something you are not comfortable with, or just trying to control what you do when it has nothing to do with them. People can raise concerns if they are worried about you, but they should not be trying to force you to do anything.

Sometimes people think they are doing these things ‘for your own good’. It is for no ones good to have their autonomy taken away, or to live in fear of upsetting or disappointing another person, or to have to live up to impossible standards. Some people will do this because they cannot let go of the idea they made of you in their head, and are trying to make you into the person they wanted you to be. This is why it is so important not to try to force that onto someone; not only is it not going to work and you will be disappointed, You will be abusing them. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Learn to let go if you need to or accept them for who they actually are. This is so so so deeply important.

It can be difficult to admit when someone you like is abusing or mistreating you. After all, you like them a lot and they made you feel so good. You think maybe you can teach them how to treat you well. You can’t. Even if you could, it will hurt you the whole time. It is not your job. If someone starts to disrespect your boundaries, you gotta go. If they mess up a couple times and apologize, that is okay, but if they keep doing it thats no good, even if they apologize, because they are showing you they are not putting in the effort to change the behavior and not hurt you. I know it hurts and its hard and they will probably be mad and that makes it scary. You still gotta do it as soon as possible, the longer you stay the harder it will be. Its okay to block them on everything. Its okay to leave without explanation (though its nice to give one). YOUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FEELINGS! 

Other things to keep in mind

Honestly just keeping those three ending possibilities in mind and accepting the reality is the number one thing you must do to keep yourself safe in a rapid attachment relationship, but there are a few other things to keep in mind.

1. Boundary setting.

As I mentioned above, your boundaries are important! Setting clear boundaries and expectations for what you want out of the relationship, and leaving if the other person cannot respect that, will keep you safe and happy. Often I have been in an intense attachment relationship where I wanted it to be romantically kinky but not romantic, and the other person interprets romance where I did not intend it. Once this happened the other way around where I thought the relationship was romantic and the other person did not intend that. By being very clear about what you want, what you are open to, and what you are not open to, you can prevent pain and misunderstanding for both of you. It may feel a bit weird to talk about if you are open to dating or not early in a relationship where neither of you may really be planning on it, but it can honestly be useful for both people to know. If you ask about this and the person gets weirded out you can link them this essay to explain, lol.

2. Be careful about doing things that are hard to undo.

Speaking of dating, people who attach quickly will often also start dating quickly. THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!! I will not stop you, you can make your own decisions, but it is a lot more difficult and painful to end a relationship with an official dynamic like dating than it is to just stop talking to someone you are getting to know and don’t have an official relationship of any kind with. I know you feel very intensely and you feel like you love them and you will love them forever, but you might not! And if you do turn out to be perfect for each other long term you have plenty of time! It is okay to be fun and flirty, its ok to be horny and lovey, but please both be clear that you are not intending that to be an official relationship (see above point) and WAIT TO DATE. 

(And don’t say that it is okay for them to tell their friends that you are their partner if you do not consider yourself so. I once told someone this because they said they just wanted an easier way to explain it to people, but then they took that and decided we were actually dating because of it, I didn’t know how to boundary set and say no, felt trapped and had to break up with a person I never intended to be dating. Do not confuse your terms!!)

I think that’s all. Please add on to this if I missed something you learned in your experience!!

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[shrinkthisviolet]

I would love to hear your thoughts on the Johnny / Daniel conflict over Daniel stopping the fight! Personally, I think Johnny is wrong on multiple levels. If he really thought the best way for Tory to work through her grief was to fight it out, I disagree but different people have different coping mechanisms, but he shouldn't have offered Sam up as a way to do it. Even if Johnny was completely ignoring Sam's well-being and was willing to put her in danger, Tory just apologized and was forgiven. How would she feel if she hurt sam all over again because she was fighting over-emotionally? If Johnny really thought she needed to fight, he should have offered to spar with her.

But also, I think he's wrong about her reasoning on wanting to fight in the first place. To me, it didn't seem like she wanted to hit someone or unleash her anger or work through her feelings. It seemed like she had a very specific goal of becoming the girls' team captain. Sometimes, when you go through intense grief instead of working through it, you want to distract yourself by doing something productive. Her goal was to win the tournament for her mom. To do that, she needed to be captain. That's why she wanted to win, and she wanted to do it by fighting because she wanted to honor her mom by proving she's "a fighter." Because Daniel and Amanda are well-adjusted people, they probably could have helped her through it in the moment, but Johnny undermining Daniel reinforced what Kreese said to Tory by implying that he was playing favorites, causing her to storm off. She literally says the same thing to Amanda that Kreese says to her, that "when push comes to shove you're always gonna choose her over me" and it's after Johnny implies that Daniel is playing favorites. Johnny essentially pushed her back to Kreese by making her think no one else would prioritize her, and all because he projected his personal issues (from when he was a grown adult, and that got him sent to jail) onto a teenager he's never really seemed to care about before now.

This is also the first scene I can think of where Tory and Daniel interact, and i wish we could have gotten more. She's had great moments with Amanda and some more with Sam after she apologized. It would be nice for her to complete the circle and have a nice interaction with Daniel. I think Daniel has the most to teach Tory when it comes to karate and balance, so it would be nice if he actually got to do that, lol. I heard that Peyton said in an interview that Daniel was right to stop the fight, and I hope it does actually get explored in part 2.

Love this take! You’re absolutely right. Johnny was wrong to want to continue the fight—Tory hadn't fully processed her mom’s death, hadn't eaten or slept in 24 hours, hadn’t even been hugged or supported in any way. That’s not the time to jump into a fight...and that’s how everyone ends up hurt (and yep, if Tory had hurt Sam in that state, that would’ve just compounded her grief and made her feel guilty on top of it). So glad Peyton agrees!

And YEP—Tory wanted to continue that fight specifically, to become captain and fight in the tournament. Johnny missed that (and so did at least a handful of fans). Daniel and Amanda were right there to support her, and Robby could’ve too, but as you said, Johnny reinforced “oh you’re playing favorites” (reinforcing Kreese’s words…even tho that wasn’t Johnny’s intention, it was still the wrong time to say that regardless. Read the room, Johnny, ffs) and killed any progress that could've been made*. The fight could’ve been postponed for a day (or at least half a day) until she got rest, food, and support—it didn’t have to happen right then and there.

*none of them should’ve let her walk off, and I’m pissed that they did, but they could've gotten somewhere with Tory to begin with if Johnny hadn’t interjected needlessly and had just TRUSTED DANIEL AND AMANDA

(Plus, Johnny comparing losing his mom at 30 to Tory losing hers at 17-18 felt weird to me. Loss is loss and hurts regardless of age, but people deal with it differently, and age is absolutely a factor in that)

Tory and Daniel have so many parallels, especially in s5...I was absolutely looking forward to them interacting this season. Alas...it was just for this, and Daniel never gets to bring up that he lost a parent as a child too—he KNOWS what that feels like and how much it hurts (and he lost another in Mr. Miyagi, but that was as an adult, so the actuation isn't quite the same).

[new-tella-us]

Aaaaaah, I just remembered the many mental issues that these incubi are definitely facing thanks to their upbringing.

Yknow what that means. Seduce Me Situations! (Cause I'm bored) What are the many mental issues of the incubi and how to both they and Mika deal with them.

Let's get the universal thing out of the way. Daddy Issues. Every single one of these guys has a different flavor of daddy issue.

James- I have already pointed out his perfectionist but it was mostly related to how he sees others. But do not get it twisted, any form of harsh judgement he has about his brothers, he is ten times harsher on himself! He will not allow himself to enjoy a nice afternoon if everything he has to do for the day isn't done and/or everyone he's living with isn't taken care of. He is not good at coping with his, it's how he lived for so long, it's second nature to him. Mika isn't taking that though and has a lot of days set just to take the load off James's shoulders. By god, this man will relax if it's the last thing Mika does.

Erik- What is being honest about your feelings? That's a bit overrated, right? At least, Erik thinks so. It's all about how to get what he needs. He speaks with a clear end goal to the interaction and will say almost anything to get to that end goal. Over time, he will learn to be more honest but he's been this way for so long that he has to rediscover himself. And that's scary. But he's making decent progress. Mika tries to help by simply giving Erik variety. Different activities, different talking points, different locations to be in. It helps Erik know what he likes and dislikes.

Sam- Well obvious thing here is anger issues especially if we're talking about canon Sam. If we include the lore I made specifically, we get an extra issues, identity issues and cynicism! He feels like he's less of his own person and more of just a combination of his mother and father. Plus, he's seen too much violence and has convinced himself that is "the real world" and not just the darkest parts of the world. Naturally, as he's been taken out of that harsh reality, he'll come to soften up but he also has to actively not feed into his confirmation bias. Mika helps by just being a good example of how good people can thrive in the real world. Though, of all the brothers, Sam is like...the second most mentally stable.

Matthew- He has a need to prove himself to others. Also mommy issues. Probably the most mentally stable of the brothers, his issues don't cloud his life as much as it clouds theirs. Though his insecurities do get to him. Being the smallest and physically weakest of the incubi means he over compensated with his magic and reliability. And even with that, Matthew wasn't given as many chances to be reliable. A final insecurity of his would be his jealousy. Mainly of James. In Matthew's eyes, he's just as powerful as James but their father outright dismissed him. He knows that he shouldn't care what his father thinks but even if he hates the guy, parental recognition is what almost every child wants. Mika helps by reminding him of his strengths and that he doesn't need to prove himself to anyone.

Damien- What issues does that boy NOT have?? Mommy issues, daddy issues, jealousy issues, self worth issues, PTSD, body dysphoria. Okay... let me explain that last one. Damien HATES the fact that he's a demon. He feels like demons hurt people while humans are more helpful and get to learn anything they want. He also feels like he, specially, hurts people but he wouldn't be able to if he was human. Does that not sound like dysphoria? The fact that he's no where near as critical of his brothers also helps my theory. Idk, when I've felt dysphoria over some part of me, I never notice it on other people. It's less "this is bad" and more "This is bad on me" and I feel like that's what Damien is. Tbh, I don't think Damien is coping well, he's possessive and keeps most of his issues bottled up. But hey, killing his dad at least brought closure. Mika is gunna help by listening to his issues, providing a safe environment for when he wants to talk and dragging his ass to therapy. She will be there for him but she not prepared to deal with the massive amounts of physical and psychological damage that happened to that boy.

Bonus! MIKA

Cause GOD Mika deserves a break.

Once again Daddy issues. Everyone suffers from it. Mika's is just a different brand of daddy issues. Going by my specific lore, David is a lot nicer to Mika but he still is shit at making it clear that he loves her. Plus he is still trying to get her to become the next CEO. So, like James, Mika's got some perfectionism. Plus her grandfather died and she is not given enough time to grieve before she has to move into his house and go back to school. Plus the boys and all the murderers coming after them. Mika is highly stressed. And, again, going by my lore, she also has mild depression! Yaaaaaay, Mika isn't having a good time. I think all the boys provide her a very similar benefit, a person she feels like she can lean on and trust. Her friends are nice but they'll move away at some point, but the boys are here to stay.

In conclusion- Daddy Issues. All of them have it.

[whats-a-human]

Tips on coping with homicidal ideation, no empathy necessary!

Unrelated to this blog's theme, but this is a very important topic. Everyone is welcome to interact. I wanted to post this long ago; it's hard to but I gotta help others and break the stigma around this too. I hope my wording is good enough.

I have struggled with homicidal ideation years ago, which you might call a type of intrusive thought. I rarely have any homicidal intrusive thoughts anymore and I've dealt with the underlying issue that caused them, so I believe I have overcome that problem.

So, here's a post to anyone struggling with this. Having a licensed therapist is better but I know that just like me, many of you can't have one.

Preparing for an episode

First of all, be neutral about your ideation: you aren't a horrible person and you aren't going to actually murder someone just because of it. Now, and that's really important too: do not normalize those thoughts. You aren't evil for having an illness, but it's still an illness that hurts you above all else, and can hurt others too. I learned this from an acquaintance and that was really helpful.

Now, have a support network. Friends, mental health groups, anything. You should have a safe space to talk about your experiences but you don't need to be "out" to everyone! You can just tell a friend something like "hey, sometimes my mental illnesses act up and I have episodes, when that happens I'll give you a heads up and we could do X" (like talking about a comfort topic, having you/your friend talk about your/their day, etc.) Find a safe way to avoid isolation!

Think of your triggers, make a list so you can avoid them and prepare for when you get triggered. Also list things that soothe you and things that give you a sense of power and control but don't harm you/others. The options are endless, like painting your nails, giving your hair a trim, customizing your phone/blog/etc, cooking, going for a walk, hobbies etc.

2. During an episode

The goal here would be averting your attention to something else, but that can't be forced.

So, you can always talk facts with your brain. If you did act on your urges, you'd be arrested, period. Minor or not. And as a mentally ill person, your time there and after prison would be double hell... compared to just not acting on the thought. If you've been arrested before I doubt you'd want to years on end there (or years on end again). What I also told myself was, "going to prison because of such lowly people isn't worth it". I was right and extra based.

Also why waste your time with murder plans when you can be thinking about Pokemon. Or anything else that brings you joy. Yes, thinking of Pokemon instead of murder plans is part of recovery and based as hell. Like, even if you aren't a fan, some of those critters are cute, right? And just like that, you're slowly averting your attention and the urges are quieting down.

3. Other important things

The biggest victim of my intrusive thoughts was me. Those I wanted to kill were my abusers and I didn't want to have those thoughts, even during episodes I hated that a part of me was into it.

But I would never accept a murderer as a part of myself. I refused to ever accept such path as a valid future for me. Those thoughts were a part of me, but they didn't need to be part of me FOREVER. And I proved myself right. I focused my strength and intelligence on RECOVERING and it was the right choice.

You may feel powerless just like I was. Then, give yourself a haircut, cook something, make art, customize your phone, watch a movie, go do anything that reassures you that YOU are in control of your life, not your abusers. Some things may not appear productive but they are nonetheless carving the way to a beautiful and FREE life. Your episodes will slowly become less and less frequent, and less intense.

Of course recovery isn't linear, it's not always pleasant or easy and you'll still have really bad times, but deciding to thread the path of recovery is a huge step of power in itself. Stay determined.

I still live with my abusers but I have worked so much with myself and whatever I could do within my reach, that the power I consider them to have over me is much, much smaller and that did wonders to me.

An extra reminder: some triggering things may feel kinda good or addictive, like doomscrolling or something that personally entertains your homicidal ideation instead of directing you away from it. For example, directing your violence towards fiction can be helpful but if engaging with/producing violent media entertains these thoughts about real life actions instead of being cathartic, that's a form of self-harm. I know it's addictive but try to look for alternatives! You can do it 💪

Once again, huge virtual hug for everyone 🫂 stay safe!

[queenuchiha89]

Hey^-^

I don't know if anyone has told you this before, but I must point this out for my own peace of mind.

What you are writing/posting is not okay.

The Trigger Warnings you're putting on it don't suffice in keeping those safe not supposed to read it. I have a little sister and the post about "Itachi violently 'non conning' his sister" was extremely triggering even without reading the fanfic. And it will be even worse for victims of Sexual/Child Abuse.

This may be hard to hear, but what you are effectively writing is an idealization/ fetishization of sexual/Child abuse. You are idealising Rape. And this is not okay. It goes way beyond just an incest kink and will harm certain audiences. Your post is out in the world of anyone (also minors) to see. You are responsible for what you post.

I'm not saying you as a person condone rape in any way. But this sends a very wrong and deeply upsetting message. I am asking you kindly to stop and take these down.

I mean you no harm and it isn't my goal to attack you. I am asking you to really think about what exactly you are doing. What you're putting out into the world and how it can hurt others. Because it certainly disturbed me enough to feel nauseous and cause me insomnia.

I am certain you're able to use your writing talent in so many different ways. In healthy ways. I truly hope you will take this to heart.

Thank you.

The title of my page is LITERALLY TW. DARK CONTENT. I put multiple warnings on my stories, and considering you're talking to someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and trafficking, you need not tell me a thing about triggers and all this. I totally get it. However, if you CHOOSE to IGNORE those warnings... That's on YOU.

Also, for someone who is so concerned about people of childhood sexual abuse, and their coping mechanism... Maybe you shouldn't judge mine, because this is how I COPE with MY TRAUMA!

Also... You say you don't like my content, and it's sick and all this... Yet your page (distelsterncat) you're always talking about me. So what's the tea?? 🤷‍♀️

[the-stove-is-divorced]

HEY SO GUESS WHAT I NOTICED LATELY AND KEPT THINKING ABOUT AND WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU

Mata and arajin both kinda achieved what they wanted to some part?

OK LEMME EXPLAIN : mata wanted to be stronger (why? To never be left behind again) and he did just that

Arajin wanted to be braver I think (why? To never leave behind a friend ever again)

And guess what

Come on guess it

THEY BOTH DID DO JUST THAT, BUT ONE FOCUSED MORE ON THE GOAL RATHER THAN THE WHY (Mata, with his delusional belief that getting stronger will solve everything) AND THE OTHER FOCUSED ON THE WHY MORE THAN THE GOAL (arajin, with him simply deciding that you can't leave behind a friend if you don't have any, he truly is the smartest idiot out there)

Mata is now much much stronger, maybe not the strongest but still, and arajin is much much more brave, maybe not the bravest but still much braver, especially when you see how they used to be and how they are rn

LIKE COME ON. COME ON. LIKE, ANOTHER LAYER TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND I KNOW IT'S A SIMPLE ONE TO NOTICE BUT I DIDN'T UNTIL TOO LATE AND GOD, THEY BOTH WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED TILL THE GOAL AND THE WHY BOTH GET ANSWERED, AND THAT WONT HAPPEN TILL BOTH DROP THEIR DELUSIONS AND WAIT IS THIS A LAYER OF NEVER FEELING LIKE YOU'VE DONE BEFORE IM SEEING??

(sorry for rambling, it just been circulating my mind for the past three days and my god I need that 2 hours analysis video asap)

OKAY! Finally had some time to give this my full attention, took me a minute. Hope the wait wasn’t too long. (Also trust I’ll get to your comment back but I try to reply to everything which means I need time to sit it down and Do That but I’ve been busy as shit UGHHH)

BUT RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! THE ADDED LAYERS OF THIS DYNAMIC IS SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD. I’m so glad you mentioned this because I didn’t quite notice it as an added bit of their dynamic, but they both, as the should go, got a little bit of what they’ve wanted!!!! Which is really charming that they both kinda stay stubborn in their ways, regressing or simply doubling down respectively, and then actually both grow a little bit by the end! While obviously they should progress (or land somewhere other than where they’ve started until that’s another point/purpose), it’s just a charming detail they did get something, by actually dropping the delusion/confronting a bit of who they are and what things are actually like in reality.

They make me so ill, I think. I love my little bad coping mechanism mfs. They rlly thought if they just just dug their heels in, stubborn as shit, double down again and again, it’d just work out. Like no. Dumbass. I love them, though. They match each other’s narratively, but they haven’t caught got to the actual bestie / seeing each other completely yet. (SOBBING ABOUT IT ARAJIN LET DOWN UR MASK PLEASE—) (THERE IS MORE TO YOU I KNOW IT)

Also it will never not be funny to me Arajin rlly went giving “I’ve ever met this man before in my life”/“we’re not friends -_-” energy and Mata is just: “no we’re best friends :) best friends forever :) I’m simply ignoring what you said, you’re just a silly little jokester we’re the best friends in the entire planet trust me! We never stopped being friends! We’re super duper close! Fav guy in the whole world!!”

I love my pair of unreliable ass mfs, never trust them to take control of narration, you’re gonna be lied too.

Look at them. Unreliable ass mfs. I love them so much. They’re so precious to me. Unstoppable force vs unmovable object ass dynamic. Mutually not seeing each other ass dynamic. Denial buddies. Driven by fear ass mfs. “What if I just doubled down” like that’ll do anything. Idiots. I love them so much oh my god.

ALSO PLEASE SHARE RAMBLES AND IDEAS AND ALL THAT JAZZ! I love yapping about stuff like this! I’m just sluggish at replying back cause I’m gonna be busy as shit for a couple monthssssss.

[narcissism-awareness]

i feel like you're kinda downplaying the possibility of pwNPD being abusive. your blog has a "oh it NEVER happens" vibe. im not officially diagnosed, but my psych test did end up showing symptoms of it. however, i do have bipolar, and the reality is that i have hurt people and that my mental illness *was* a factor in it. it didnt exist in a vacuum. especially when i wasnt medicated.

like i dont blame people who see me having BP and wanting to move away and call them ableist for that. my mental illness will forever be a factor in the way i experience world - and im not saying OH I WAS AN AWFUL PERSON TO THESE PEOPLE, but i mean it in a way "my cycles of mania and depression have hurt people dear to me, even though i wasnt directly hurtful to them". they couldnt cope with it or my needs and thats okay.

i feel like youre being rly dismissive of people who were abused by people with personality disorders. i was abused by someone w BPD and their mental illness *was* a factor in it. the same way my BP/OCD/BM/ADHD affected others. its dishonest to pretend NPD exists in a vacuum.

I never claimed that it never happens, just in most cases of people calling abuse "narcissistic abuse," their abuser was actually self centered or egotistical and not diagnosed with NPD. (most cases, not all)

It is not ableist to call out abusers who have NPD, what's ableist is to call an entire mental disorder abusive. Or to blame abuse on a mental disorder.

While sometimes we may unintentionally hurt others due to our symptoms, abuse is a choice. People choose to manipulate, use, degrade, and gaslight others. That's not something that happens as a symptom of a mental disorder.

It is true NPD can make us to have little regard for other people and their emotions, which can cause some unhealthy and unstable relationships. But it does not cause us to systematically abuse others?? Thinking that is ableism.

However I acknowledge how you said my blog can feel dismissive of abuse victims. Obviously, in any scenario abuse is not ok. Victims should be able to get resources to escape and recover from abuse. But ableism is not excusable just because your abuser(s) had a mental disorder.

The goal of this blog is to call out ableism and spread awareness about NPD. My posts are usually very matter-of-fact because of this, which may make me sound dismissive to abuse victims. (Keep in mind I am autistic and narcissistic so it's hard for me to judge how others will receive my tone)

I apologize for this and will try to be more welcoming to abuse victims when I can, but the main goal is still informing people about NPD and debunking ableist stereotypes.

[carpetbug]

what are ur fave songs for each character and WHY. ANALYSIS

omg thank u we’re in love now 😽

I have not updated these playlists in a while so a lot of them are songs i listened to in like 2020 lmao, heres a few from each :)

Marinette

Into the unknown (frozen 2) - original and cristina vees cover make me think so hard about marinette its crazy. her initially refusing to be ladybug, insistent that she couldnt do it but always coming back because she desperately wants to test those waters, see what shes meant to do and how it could change her.

Ladybug

Ribs (lorde) - how easily overwhelmed marinette gets and how her anxiety and stress almost force her to overthink every aspect of her life. I can see her getting this extreme tunnel vision where she cant see all the progress shes made, all the victories shes already had, and instead can only focus on how shes not doing enough, and its not fast enough, and its not good enough. it just really reminds me of how badly she wants to prove herself to be this strong and trustworthy hero, but she feels like shes losing herself as she grows and isolates herself more and more in the role of guardian and ladybug.

Adrien

Mamas boy (dominic fike) - he literally IS the mamas boy. what more can i say. also alludes to him being a sentimonster with the lines "when i was born, you were produced", "i wish i was a toy", "youre made from plastic im just blood".

Chat Noir

First love/late spring (mitski) - ok hear me out. how chat compensates for his family life with devoting himself to ladybug. "one word from you and i would jump off of this ledge im on" is exactly how he operates with her, being ready to throw himself in front of her, literally die for her if she ever said so. and she never does! she gets upset with him for doing it over and over! i just think this song depicts really well how chat noirs goal was always "do whatever I can to help ladybug, no matter what i may lose" while she had to watch him leave his life in her hands like it was nothing.

also including ships because obviously i have playlists for all lovesquare sides + other ships i’m silly about

Ladynoir

Show Yourself (frozen 2) - both the original and cristina vees cover (WHICH IS SO GOOD GO LISTEN TO IT RN) remind me so hardcore of ladynoir. the whole idea of ladybug finally coming to terms with showing chat who she truly is and being ready for the same from him, idk i can imagine an entire movie in my head of ladynoir reveal to this song. [fav lyrics: "I can sense you there, like a friend ive always known", "I have always been a fortress cold secrets deep inside. you have secrets too, but you dont have to hide", "you are the answer ive waited for all of my life"]

Blame (air traffic controller) - this is probably one of my all time favorite songs like fucking ever and tbh i can see it with all lovesquare sides but i feel like ladynoir is the best fit! Chat picking ladybug up when she falls down and constantly being there to remind her she was to get up and fight, theres no time to sit and pity and blame herself, and he wont let her. him being her voice of reason as she copes with losing almost everything to monarch, him grounding her and being one of her biggest motivations to go on! with how severely marinette overthinks and doubts herself, he just becomes a mantra of 'dont blame yourself' which she desperately needs [fav lyrics: "Dont blame yourself cause you tried as hard as hell with the hand that you were dealt", "get on your feet, enough 'poor me', if you got time to bitch and whine then theres still time to try again", "And the vultures they are circling overhead, theyre reminding me of choices from my past"]

Peach Scone (hobo johnson) - makes me think of early seasons ladynoir ;-; chat just being head over heels for ladybug, struggling with keeping his love platonic when he wants to be with her and know her. Also getting to kinda hear his side of ladybug saying shes already in love with someone, how he respects that but still is a bit of a flirt, and hides how much it hurts him. also i love hobo johnson. [fav lyrics: "She kinda loves him back, but not really, theyre just really good friends and thats fine, he understands, its rational", "Oh, you got a man? are you in love? so, what type?", "So i fall to the ground, collect myself and get ready to take over your heart or atleast your spare time"]

Talk to me (cavetown) - i am such a sucker for ladynoir comfort. the idea of them being there for each other at their lowest points, holding each other together. This whole song just makes me think so strongly of chat comforting ladybug when shes breaking down and needs someone. [fav lyric: "ill be here until youre okay, lets your words release your pain, you and i will share the weight"]

Could have been me (The struts) - GOD. THIS SONG. ITS SO LADYNOIR CODED TO ME. them hyping each other up!! keeping each other going!! being each others motivation to keep getting back up and fight!! i just love the idea of them constantly being there to pick each other up and remind them of what theyre fighting for. i could listen to this song forever i love it. I can also really hear "I cant hear you, I wont fear you" being a supportive call and response thing with them <3[fav lyrics: "I wanna taste love and pain, wanna feel pride and shame", "Don't wanna live as an unsung melody, i'd rather listen to the silence telling me i can't hear you, i won't fear you"]

Understood (leith ross) - i am a huuuuuge fan of leith ross so obv i love this song for ml. it just makes me think so much of a worn down, tired, sad chat just gushing and crying to ladybug about how he doesnt understand love, how his family dynamic impacts him, and just letting himself fall apart in her arms. and her relating! her feeling that same tiredness and guilt and ache about love and family and friends, how much invisible pressure is hanging over both their heads and only they understand it. [fav lyrics: "ill visit my family in living rooms that dont get cold cause blankets and body heat cant be compared when it only took you a week to grow old", "Im sick of attachments I recently learned I cant relax and im scared of myself, scared for my health, tell me youll take me back home", "im sick of the feeling that nothing will ever stand still"]

Struck by lightning (sara kays, cavetown) - this song just really makes me think about ladybugs devotion to chat. i just imagine chat being out in the middle of a storm at night and marinette seeing him from her window and joining him as lb to comfort him. her knowing hes not going to go inside, so she just sits and stays with him, insisting if hes going to get soaked and cold and possibly hit by lightning, shes going to do it with him. [fav lyrics: "If you don't respond, I'll put my shoes on and lay down on the pavement next to you if we get struck at least we'll make the news", "What a way to go out something this town will forever talk about the two kids who were laying down and struck by lightning in front of your house"]

She wants me (to be loved) (The happy fits) - literally early seasons ladynoir. she wants me! (to be loved). i think it just perfectly fits how in love with lb chat is and how its clear she cant give that to him. [fav lyrics: "so, you say you love me, but not the way I need, things are so close to what i want to be", "I cant stop feelin, i want her love but all my dreaming is not enough. so in the morning the sun will rise and ill wake up and she wont be mine", "why cant you love me here tonight?"]

Adrinette

I do adore (mindy gledhill) - marinette being head over heels for adrien and being her normal clumsy self. Falling over, rambling, making a huge fool of herself while adrien watches, completely oblivious to her crush. this song just really reminds me of how much marinette struggles with keeping herself calm around adrien, how shes always messing up words and doing the wrong thing, but he never freaks out at her and he never shames her for it. [fav lyrics: "when youre near i hide my blushing face and trip on my shoelaces", "Ive noticed youre remarkably relaxed and im overly uptight, we balance out each other nicely" "Tongue-tied, twisted, foot in mouth, i start to stutter ha-ha-heaven help me"]

Just a friend to you (meghan trainor) - early seasons adrinette <3 adrien being so painfully oblivious while marinette is struggling with balancing being his friend and her overwhelming feelings for him. [fav lyric: "so it breaks my heart when you say im just a friend to you cause friends dont do the things we do"]

Silly girl (chloe moriondo) - listen to this song rn! its so perfectly adrinette! its crazy! how marinette romanticizes adrien and kind of puts him on a pedestal at the beginning which leads to her ignoring how he doesnt fit into that idea shes molded of him. Her having to deal with the pain of being in silent love with him while he seems so far away, and turning that back around to use against herself. i just think it explain really well how marinette saw him in this perfect, unattainable bubble before they got closer and she realized he was nothing like his public image of perfection [fav lyrics: "im just a silly girl in a stupid dumb old world and he is perfect cause hes supposed to be", "he is perfect, unlike me, and how could i ever think that it was meant to be? and how could i ever think that anything was made for me?", "I made him perfect, cause i wanted him to be"]

Small (chloe moriondo) - this was originally intended to relate more towards marinette, but listening to it now with season 5 in my head it just screams adrien! how suddenly he falls for her and he cant get her out of his head! how in just a blink of an eye he is getting flushed when talking to her, hes wanting to be near her and talk to her, he wants to be with her! but shes pulling back from him and hes sort of unable to balance these new feelings AND respecting her boundaries because shes just the only thing he thinks about. i love simp boyfriend adrien. she fell first but he fell harder and no one can convince me otherwise [fav lyrics: "but im not used to dealing with feeling like im waisting your time", "ive never cared so much about avoiding overstepping, and when i think about you i forget about my hands" "endlessly try to make you smile cause whenever i see it my knees always get so weak"]

The one that got away (acoustic version - katy perry) - I am a mess over this song. i always imagine it as a post-reveal scenario in which something happened and ladybug lost chat in the fight against hawkmoth and found out he was adrien right as he died saving her. how badly she misses him and cant stop thinking about how he was the love of her life! having to go on living the rest of her life without him! shes unable to move past it and just spends her time thinking of all the things shed do if she still had him. in another life, they could still be happy together [fav lyrics: "we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world", "talk about our future like we had a clue, never planned that one day id be losing you"]

"Do you wanna be friends?" (leanna firestone) - Marinette breaking her own heart by having such a close friendship with adrien while being in love with him and knowing she cant do anything about it. Her desperately trying to convince herself she can be okay with a life with him as a friend and nothing more when obv she cant bc ouchie! her heart! [fav lyrics: "Do you wanna be friends? i mean, i wanna be more, but if friends is how i get to have you then sure", "The world wont end if you dont love me even if it feels that way"]

Marichat

If i could tell her (dear evan hansen) - i feel like this is a classic marichat song. like its been a marichat song for a hot minute but its still so them. chat comforting marinette about feeling like adrien doesnt notice her! and listing off things adrien 'told him about' and slowly realizing he does actually pay attention to all those small intimate things marinette does! he feels such a strong need to make sure marinette understands how important she is to adrien, and realizing how deep the disconnect between them two is [fav lyrics: "If i could tell her how shes everything to me but we're a million worlds apart and i dont know how i would even start", "And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"]

Drive (halsey) - i love this song for the idea of marinette and chat suppressing their feeling for each other because theyre 'supposed' to be in love with adrien and lb. for me it kind of paints a mental image of hangouts and games and memories between mari and chat that slowly become these intense, almost upsetting silences and tension. Just them desperately ignoring how deep their feelings for each other truly go and insisting everything remain surface level [ fav lyrics: "All we do is think about the feelings that we hide, all we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign", "Your laugh echoes down the hallway, carves into my empty chest, spreads over the emptiness. its bliss", "Overanalyze again, would it really kill you if we kissed?",]

Comfort crowd (conan gray) - this song just really makes me think of chat being at a really low point and trying to hide it from marinette so he doesnt burden her with his emotions and baggage, and her just seeing right through it. Like hes smiling and trying to wave it off and she just knows hes not okay, and he just breaks. Ultimately it makes me think of chat turning to marinette for such deep and intimate comfort that purely comes from him being with her. just knowing hes safe to hold onto her and cry and shell be that company for him. [fav lyrics: "this hurt that im holding's getting heavy, but imma keep a smile on my shoulders til im sweaty", "my breaths getting short and im unsteady, welling up in tears as i lay upon your belly", "Telling you im fine I dont really need nobody, but you say through a sigh that i said that lie already", "and even if i cry all over your body, you dont really mind say you like your shirt soggy"]

Lost in you (khai dreams) - i love the mental image of just such relaxed, fluffy, soft, marichat dynamic in this! chat slowly realizing hes in love with marinette and getting lost in every aspect of her. maybe not being able to entirely admit its love, but still being able to admit he has such a deep and sincere admiration for marinette that he feels is returned in a way he doesnt feel from ladybug [fav lyrics: "Im just looking for some mutual love but all i get is unrequited", "Cause i dont even know I dont know why, all your love im trynna find im so lost in you, in all that you do"]

Something there (beauty and the beast) - i enjoy a good disney song every now and then! its just so marinette and chat slowly falling for each other and being like "nuh uh... wait.. wait a minute.." and then falling headfirst in love with each other, and unable to communicate it. But both of them feeling this sudden new and strange spark between them, things slowly changing, becoming more and more personal and slowly beginning to accept that things have changed [fav lyrics: "And now hes dear, and so unsure, I wonder why I didnt see it there before", "and when we touched she didnt studder at my paw, no it cant be, ill just ignore, but then shes never looked at me that way before", "True that hes no prince charming but theres something in him that i simply didnt see"]

I'd have to think about it (leith ross) - another leith song bc THEYRE SO GOOD GO LISTEN TO ALL THEIR MUSIC RN anyways some angst a lil :) a future where marinette/lb and adrien/chat somehow got torn apart after the reveal and lost contact for. a hot minute. and when they've found each other again its chat finally finding marinette, in a new home, with a new family, and a new life. but they both know who each other are and marinette having to cope with knowing she would drop everything to be with him again. anyways. brain food. [fav lyrics: "but if you come to me, in my home with my three kids, if you asked me to leave, to be with you and split, well id atleast have to think about it", "and if you come to me when ive promised to commit, if you told me that you loved me and asked me for a kiss, well id atleast have to think about it", "you are my achilles heel, the weakness only I can feel"]

Come around (peter mcpoland) - THIS SONG MAKES ME SO GIDDY FOR SOME REASON!! makes me think of like chat picking marinette up from her balcony and taking her on rides, showing her (what he thinks shes never seen) a brand new side of paris and getting to bask in the warmth and light she radiates with him. 'shes looking at the pretty lights, i cant stop looking at her eyes' type shit. just him being so so down bad for her. [fav lyrics: "Ive noticed you pull the blinds back when you hear that im driving round", "i dont mean to cause any trouble, well maybe a little if thats allowed"]

Animal (neon trees) - this song also makes me so !! the vibes are so playful and fun and flirty while the lyrics are more intense. just really reminds me of how surface level marinette and chat keep things, flirting and teasing and just enjoying each other, and then as soon as things get more serious it comes down to a life/death type feeling. but still longing for each other! they know it just hurts and they cant but they want to! they both love and hate the way their relationship feels suspended in the air, in that it gives it a rush of uncertainty and playfulness but it also brings serious fears and pain. i love this song a lot for them [fav lyrics: "I do it everytime, your killing me now and i wont be denied by you, the animal inside of you", "hush hush the world is quiet, hush hush we both cant fight it, its us that made this mess, why cant you understand?"

Ladrien

Dixie boy (april smith and the great picture show) - i have to admit i dont think a whole lot about ladrien but! i am a sucker for jealous/posessive ladybug like claiming adrien for herself and adrien jsut being like. yep. okay. i agree. cause her ass is petty enough to like makeout with him in front of chloe just to really rub it in and adrien is like yippe!! my super hero bug gf loves me! while ladybug is so >:) do not ever touch my man [fav lyrics: "Cause like a soldier defends his land well i stand up, i get up, i defend my man", "Well i know the way that you girls operate so keep your hands to yourself and your eyes on your own plate. Its not nice to stare, dont make me come over there", "Im a lover, not a fighter, and i dont want to have to get rough. just warning you ahead of time I can be a bitch when it comes to my stuff"]

Bad ideas (tessa violet) - both adrien and ladybug just being such lovesick nerds for each other <3 ladybug trying to fight the urge to kiss him when theyre together, and adrien doing anything he can to keep her near him. they both know its a bad idea, to just stop trying to keep it all contained, but its so tempting to just say fuck it and indulge the bad ideas. atleast for a little [fav lyrics: "But i just wanna see the grooves between your hands, your teeth, oh, tell me do you think about me?", "So why'd i wanna kiss you even though i miss you, guess i just wanted to know what it would feel like"]

Her (eery) - how much adrien thinks about ladybug. just all the different ways he dissects her personality, their memories, every little bit of information he knows about her. i just feel like this song, while simple, just really encapsulates how constantly ladybug is on his mind. i miss that dynamic damn

YOUTH (troye sivan) - ladybug and adrien running away together. fuck it. literally think about it. them just being in love and together and adrien finally getting out of that HOUSE and getting to be with his LADY and be happy. How deeply devoted to each other they would be, and although naive, they would be so sincere and literally ride or die for each other.

Roman holiday (halsey) - i love the idea of ladrien having those small, important firsts together. putting aside not being able to be completely honest with each other, adriens entire family dynamic, everything, and just saying screw it and dating and doing couple things! theyre both too scared of what might happen if they slow down and face reality, so they ignore everything outside of themselves. they both have that ache of knowing its not real, its not how they can actually live, but for now they get to be happy. and in love. and with each other. and theyll deal with all the heartbreak later [fav lyrics: "didnt know where we were running to but dont look back", "and we know that were headstrong, and our hearts gone, and the timings never right"]

and my other playlists

Chat Blanc

ANTI-HERO (SEKAI NO OWARI) - i will do my best to put my emotions towards chat blanc into comprehensible words but i make no promises. i love him so much. anti-hero gives like him turning his back on being a hero just for marinette, being okay with being viewed as evil hated because hes doing it for her! his distaste for the rest of the world in comparison to mari/lb ! how he lost his moral compass and doesnt understand the ways hes hurting her and himself by turning his back on being chat noir! god its so good [fav lyrics: "im gonna be the anti-hero, feared and hated by everybody, im gonna be the anti-hero so i can save you when the time comes", "cause there are people that ive got to protect and if you get in my way youre dead"]

I am damaged (heathers) - you caught me im a theater nerd but literally this song is so good for chat blanc! him coming to the realization the only way to save mari/lb is to destroy himself. him saying goodbye and making sure she understand that she was his everything! and he trusts her to fix the mistakes he made because shes his lady! and her not being able to talk him out of it and just having to say goodbye [fav lyric: "wish youd kiss me then youd know i worship you, ill trade my life for yours and once i disappear clean up the mess down here"]

Blah blah blah (the oozes) - reminds me of the trauma marinette gets from chat blanc, how she suffers nightmares and just cant stop being reminded of the horrible fate her partner suffered through. how marinette just cant go back to 'normal' after fighting him but also cant confide in anyone about it [fav lyrics: "you couldn't care less for the people youre hurting, there no excuse", "youve ruined the color blue for me, im surrounded by a deep dark sea"]

Anytime you smile (JT music, Andrea storm kaden) - kind of how i imagine chat blanc kept himself going while being isolated for all those months. coping by pretending ladybug was still with him and nothing was wrong, but slowly feeling uneasy and letting reality creep in. it shows how desperately he fights against his loneliness and pain with day dreaming, but still loses his mind. [fav lyrics: "anytime you smile baby you know you drive me wild, crazy! thats why you got me screamin, i think i might be dreamin", "believe me if im sleeping, i wanna keep on dreaming", "Someday soon this honey moon might be gone though, i hate goodbyes. I might not love you still, youll find no tougher pill to swallow (open your eyes)", "I stepped into a nightmare when i woke up from utopia starting to remember my depression and my phobias, why is everybody looking at me like i lost it?", "How can i be happy here? guess ill just pretend to be!" "no more sadness in this beautiful world, in love with happiness shes a beautiful girl!")

Mr bright side (the killers) - IM SORRY?? "it started out with a kiss how it did end up like this?" AND YOU DIDNT THINK THIS WOULD BE ON MY CHAT BLANC PLAYLIST?? thats really it for some reason this song is just so chat blanc to me. i love it.

Bad bad things (ajj) - im also a big fan of just bonkers insane scary chat blanc, him losing his humanity and only being able to see it reflected in mari/lb and not being able to stand it. him not being able to control his more violent ideas and losing himself in hurting others [fav lyrics: "So i looked into your eyes and i saw the reflection of a coward that you and i both hate very much", "If i dont go to hell when I die i might go to heaven but probably not"]

Akumanette

Dumb dumb (mazie) - i love the idea of an akumanette that just LOSES it on her friends after lila does some real stupid shit. none of her friends standing with her or supporting her and marinette getting so so upset and frustrated that they would be dumb enough to fall for it! which, being akumatized, of course wont come out the wrong way and is warped into this monstrous idea that marinette sees them as these morons who have disappointed her time and time again [fav lyric: "disappointment takes us by surprise even though by now i think we should have realized everyone is dumb"]

Class fight (melanie martinez) - god I LOVE AKUMANETTES THAT LOSE THEIR SHIT. lila putting distance and uncomfort between her and adrien (pre relationship) before marinette catches them kissing and get akumatized, and then marinette wrecks her shit :) her inner voice of reason feeling so horrified with the brutality and trying to get herself to realize but being able to deny monarchs voice encouraging her to act on her worst instincts [fav lyrics: "she had a boy wrapped around her finger tight, i fell in love with him but he wasnt in my life", "Her face was fucked up and my hands were bloody, we were in the playground things were getting muddy", "my one true love called me a monster"]

Bust your kneecaps - johnny dont leave me (pomplamoose) - i think this one really works well with an akumatized ladybug! her being so soft and scary to chat, chat blanc style, while promising to do horrible things to him. akumabug trying to convince him to 'just stop fighting' and 'hand over his miraculous' and then 'everything will be just the way it should be' and finally giving up and working instead to defeat chat rather than convince him

Therefore i am (billie eilish) - cold, angry akumanette FOR THE WIN OGH her just being such a silent but deadly akuma, her voice devoid of all the love and kindness it used to have when she was with adrien/chat, and him having to fight her while she shows no mercy. I just love the idea of chat doing anything he can, crying and begging marinette to fight it and come back to him and she has no pity for him [fav lyrics: "Get my pretty name out of your mouth, we are not the same with or without", "Did you have fun? i really couldnt care less and you can give them my best but just know im not your friend"]

Pretty privilege (blegh) - marinette being shown time and time again that the worst people will get away with horrible things, while she has to suffer beneath them and getting fed up. her letting all her feelings rise to the surface about how ugly she thinks people can truly be [fav lyrics: "Its crawling from underneath the surface nobodys first choice kind of ugly", "just because somethings pretty the laws dont apply to them have you noticed this shit its so ugly"]

Other friends (cristina vee cover) - i live for crazy akumanette losing her mind on everyone! what can i say! i love the idea of her confronting her friends and lilas lies in such a angry but playful way before losing her shit! and the added bonus of it being MARINETTES voice?? im screaming [fav lyrics: "What did she say about me, what did she say?", "Im the loser of the game you didnt know you were playing", "life on the line, winner takes all, ready or not lets begin!"]

Marigami/Kagaminette

She (dodie) - kagami fighting against her feelings for marinette because of their friendship, because of adrien, because of her mother, and because shes scared to admit she loves marinette far beyond how friends should. I love her just gently pushing that line, asking herself that question of "what is so wrong about it?" and working to accept that the pain and heartache are real because her feelings are [fav lyrics: "Could it be wrong when shes just so nice to look at ?", "id never tell, no id never say a word and oh it aches, but it feels ugly good to hurt"]

Sophie (black polish) - marinettes feelings for kagami! wanting to freeze her time with her, relive every moment they've been through and just experience the world by kagamis side. just how desperately they both need each others time and space, how comforting it is to just be with her. [fav lyrics: "youre impossible to read and thats fine, i dont even understand my own mind", "I just wanna escape the world sophie with you, with you, with you, with you"]

and an added bonus: i LOVE the song Bruno is Orange for kagami. reminds me of her so much.

[amysubmits]

Hi Amy! I just found your blog and really wanted to talk to you if you've got time but I got nervous so here's an anon. So I'm in my very early twenties and in the last few years have been really interested and taken by the idea of d/s dynamics. I don't have a boyfriend and am not really comfortable signing up to any sites so that's not really the issue. But as I'm going on dates and stuff I do find myself looking for that character that would resemble a dominant guy. I didn't realize it but I am attracted to that energy. What I'm concerned about though is the reason...for that attraction. So I'm in drama school but we can't really afford it so I have 2 part time jobs rn. One is this modeling agency that sometimes gets me by. It doest do much in my country but once a month a few hundred if im lucky, do come in handy. The issue is that the people I'm around and the environment is very toxic. Not just in a photoshoot but mainly. I've had to shut my mouth and smile and "submit" to guys just to remain part of the project. I don't feel comfortable doing more provocative stuff so that's been an issue and my manager keeps pressuring me about it at every opportunity. The relationship w him is weird he's a nice guy in general but sometimes he's too pushy. I also had a bf in the past (the only one) we were together briefly but he ordered me around a lot, and we never talked ab any of this but he was very strict with what I wore ect. What I'm trying to say is, I've had very traumatic experiences w all these people and am really worried whether the dynamic between us pushed me to want it? Like if my desires are somehow influenced by my trauma? Have you had similar concerns? How did you realize this is what you wanted and that it is not a response to something? I hope you're comfortable answering, but if not thank you for what you're doing your page has been really informative and I've learnt a lot xxxxx

Hi there!

I would be happy for you to message me if you decide you feel comfortable at any point, but anons are okay too! It's a big part of why I leave them on, for people who feel comfortable sending asks but not asking questions or whatever on DM. :)

This worry you're sharing about wondering if your desire to be a sub or be submissive comes from your trauma is something that I think a ton of subs have considered or worried about at some point. You'll definitely get a different answer to these questions if you ask other people. In my view, this is one of those areas where the 'right' answer can vary from person to person. So, this is just my take of course.

I am trying to avoid writing an extremely long post, so if you want or need me to elaborate feel free to follow up. But in a nutshell...I think most people have "little t trauma" from childhood that caused them to adapt to try to find connection and feel safe (physically or emotionally) and loved from a SUPER young age, to the point where it's challenging to know what it even would mean for a lot of us to say X is me, but Y is my trauma. Like 50% of the population has an insecure attachment style, and that primarily develops in the first year of our lives. So then we're still babies but we're already trying to change our own behavior to feel connected to our mother or our primary care giver. When that's the case...I think it's really, really tough to know who or what you would have been without the trauma as it's baked into your personality and coping methods SO early that we can't remember anything else. And so...I guess my goal has been to try to do a combination of accepting myself while also looking as honestly as I can at who/how I am now and look to change anything that I want to change or think needs improved. And with that in mind...I couldn't begin to tell you if I'd be a sub sexually or personality wise if I didn't have trauma. I just think that's an impossible question to try to figure out. Instead, I try to look at whether what I crave is healthy. If what I want to do is healthy for me, then it's okay if it IS based in trauma. I mean, plenty of things can be caused by trauma but still be really good things. For example, I feel pretty confident that the reason I seek healthy, safe feeling communication with my partner is because I grew up with lots of yelling and conflict and meanness. But I think that desire to have healthy, loving, safe communication is a good thing so I don't feel the need to reject that desire I have, as it's good, regardless of the cause being 'negative' or sad. I've come to the conclusion that D/s and BDSM can be healthy things for me. That isn't to say that I think I could do anything I wanted and call it D/s or BDSM and have it be healthy. But I think that a lot of what I desire sexually and within my relationship is healthy, and I embrace those things. And when I find myself craving something that is less healthy, I try to avoid embracing those ideas, or avoid acting out those fantasies, or resist those behaviors. For me, one thing I have to fight against is the instinct to be extremely passive. Passive feels safe to me because of my trauma, and I can sometimes incorrectly convince myself that I am being a good sub by being passive. That isn't always true, so I have to really keep an eye on any passivity and make sure that I am truly submitting from a place of desire and choice, and not from a place of it 'feeling good' because my brain is telling me that inactivity to appease others is safe and familiar. We try to regularly re-look at the things we do and ask ourselves again if all the details of how we're managing our D/s and BDSM are healthy for both of us. We try to ask if we're reinforcing healthy ideas or unhealthy ideas. Sometimes it changes over time and we have to adjust.

With you being new and young, I'd also suggest that you try to be extremely careful with what you learn about D/s and BDSM, and triple check that it's healthy. Some people will claim that literally anything done in the name of kink is healthy as long as it's consensual. I think that is a really wild viewpoint, personally. I think consent is really the absolute bare minimum, but a lot of people will consent to things that are harmful to them emotionally, and I think that is unhealthy. Of course, what is unhealthy is extremely opinion based, and I think it also can vary a lot from person to person...something could be unhealthy for me to consent to but perfectly healthy for you to consent to if we have different life experiences, different traumas, etc. At a really basic level I'd suggest looking really closely at whether D/s and BDSM make you feel good in terms of things like...confident, loved, empowered, authentic, loved, safe, secure, etc - or if it feels outright bad, or 'good' but only in the sense that feeling bad feels somewhat good to you (this is true for some with trauma), or if it makes you feel small, inferior, used, scared, insecure, etc. And then also if/when you get into a D/s relationship look at whether the things you try seem to be inspiring positive changes and growth, or negative patterns. Maybe at first you happily agree to let your dom decide whether or when to cut your hair, but over time you realize that you feel less 'yourself' when you can't control your own hairstyle fully. If that becomes the case, then in my opinion, it would be healthier to go back to deciding your own hair.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it's helpful in some way. Good luck to you, please continue to look out for yourself! It can be a scary world out there for young subs. It sounds like you're doing a good job of trying to look out for yourself though...even in wanting to figure out what your answer to the questions you sent in this ask are. So, good work. :)

[dre6ming]

The delicate beginning rush

Chapter VI ~ my darling

Masterlist

Chapter V ~ torn

Instagram photo dump masterlist

To be added to the tag list click here

Pairing: Austin Butler x fem singer/actress reader

Warning: age gap, mentions of poor mental health, depression, anxiety, mentions of abuse, talks of toxic relationships, divorce, fluff, angst, cursing. That’s all I hope :))

Plot: after a horrible article makes the headlines you find yourself back in a place where you judge your every move. Your crush on Austin only seems to grow as does your liking towards Joshua.

Word count: ~6500

Disclaimer: everything I write is fake. Except for the songs I mention.

I see it as soon as I wake up. The bad habit of waking up and checking my phone, giving my team no time to hide this from me. I stare at the screen of my phone with blurry eyes, the big red letters screaming at me.

"19 and taking hearts left and right"

The title reads and I could lie and say it's unexpected for a piece like this to be written, but it's not. I knew, I always did, but I guess I never anticipated how sharp and evil their words would be. Bringing up my parents divorce, saying dating is some coping mechanism, because they left me? Pulling up those pictures of me, balling my eyes out on the street. That day being one of the worst days of my life and they had the audacity to photograph it and now use it to justify my serial dating behavior? I know this is the price I pay for the job I chose, but sometimes the price feels higher than the reward.

With shaky hands I wipe my face, or try to, then turning my phone off I get up to go in the shower. The warm water engulfs me, my tears mixing with it. Each sob that shakes my body, makes my muscles contract painfully and I struggle to wash myself, as I feel like my legs might give out at any minute. I let out a scream so loud and sharp I scare myself and fall on the shower floor, clutching my head in my hands.

I need to get out, I need to breathe, I can't breathe. I'm stuck. I need out. I need...

Gathering up my strength, I get up, turning off the shower and ignoring the pain in my knees, which are sure to have bruises on them later. Using a warm towel to dry myself and then hurriedly putting on some clothes. Comfort being my goal I choose in oversized dark blue sweat suit. Staring at the clock, it's only 7:45 am, I woke up way too early, because of all the turmoil I faced in my sleep, caught between dreaming of Austin or Joshua. I'm supposed to be going to a fitting today, for the Oscars, also Jack expects me in the studio, but I can't. I don't want to see or talk to anyone right now. So I don't. My phone is turned off, it's too early for Matt to be here, my parents don't live here and don't care, it's easy for me to avoid people, so that's what I do.

Taking my bag, I make my way out of the apartment, after feeding Simba and William, no need for them to suffer just cause I do. Putting on sunglasses and hiding my hair as best as I can in a beanie, I walk out of the building, the cold air of the early morning hitting my cheeks. Behind my glasses my salty tears are still flowing. New York is busy as ever and I'm happy for it. The crowd occupied with whatever they have going on, so no one pays any attention to me, it's comforting, but I can't hope for it to last. I like to think about myself as one of those celebes who knows exactly how to work their private life, while keeping people entertained, I don't push fans away and I usually don't mind paparazzi, but then again, I wasn't an Oscar nominee before, nor was I lunching with famous men. I'm growing with my career and I arouse more excitement now I guess.

I'm walking like a crazy person, almost running, my feet carry me unconsciously down the street. Looking down at the watch on my wrist I see it's now 8:15am if I keep at this pace I'll be at the Chanel studio in about an hour, sure I'll be all sweaty and gross, but I don't care, at least I'm showing up. Showing up is the best I can do now. I try not to think about how everyone must be freaking out right now, calling my phone. By now Matt probably got to the apartment and is frantically searching for me, scared something bad might have happened.

I sigh annoyed that I didn't think to take time and text him that I'll go to the fitting by myself. I hate worrying people, but then again that's not healthy, because I often think if the worse were to come and that dark part of my brain took over, then I'd fail all of them, but I should be thinking about failing myself. It's my life and it has very little meaning to me, all I care is to be here for the people that I know care and my therapist has been struggling to drill into my brain that I should stop thinking of others and how my life affects them, but rather about myself and how I affect myself. Easier said than done. Guess I'll have to squeeze a session in today or tomorrow morning, because I know I'm not ok and I would like to know why. Because I can't accept the fact that, that article has me twisted like this, it has to be something more as well. It's not fair for my brain to fail me like this.

Lost in the spiral of my mind, I don't even acknowledge I got to my destination, until I'm looking up at the tall glass building. When I walk in I see Levis, coming out of the elevator, talking on the phone, worried, but when his eyes meet mine he visibly relaxes, murmuring some words into the phone and ending the call. "(Y/n), what the hell? Matt was frenetic, what happened?" I roll my eyes at him and go past him, to get inside the elevator, but he grabs my arm and keeps me in place. "Sweet pea, tell me? You know you're like my daughter, what's wrong?" I only shake my head, not really willing to talk about what's got me so twisted. With a defeated sigh, he understands and let's me go. I'm silent for the elevator ride and for most part of the fitting, only making the effort to talk when really necessary.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the tall mirrors and I have to force myself not to gasp. I look so tired. If Timmy or Roxanne would see me right now they would freak out and maybe they should. Sighing I turn around and show the stylist where I want modifications to be made. The whole process goes by in a haze, I'm not really here, my body is, but my mind?.... Well definitely somewhere else.

All that keeps going through my mind is : Are they right? Am I playing? But then again I know the truth, I know Austin is just a friend and so is Joshua. Sure I wrote Austin a whole song about wishing on dandelions for his love, but he's still just a friend. Ugh god I sound crazy, maybe I am. "So what do you think?" One of the stylists asks me, but I'm unable to actually formulate an opinion, so I smile and nod. I like it, do I think it's amazing? Not really. Does it age me a decade? Yes. But I do look beautiful and professional in the dark blue plaid pants, that are so wide legged they look like a skirt and the halter top white shirt, completes the look nicely. "Yeah, you can't go wrong with a classic!" I mutter and they go on to take the measurements needed for further alterations.

Happy to be out of playing dress up, I sink into the seat of the car, burying myself in the huge sweater I have on. Matt doesn't look at me, he just greets me politely as always. I know I scared him, disappearing like that on him. I don't think anyone on the outside could really understand how much the people working around me are like family to me, so them worrying for me is beyond a professional care.

I'm feeling a bit better now, but definitely not ready to go and finish 'Dandelions', Austin's song can wait. Instead I think I'll try to bring him a song I started a while ago.

I greet Jack with a tight hug and go to sit down at the piano. "So I've been thinking, about a lot lately, all these fittings and photo shoots, they have me hyper fixing on things." Jack listens as I play the piano, "Ok, so are we talking-" "Body image" he nods, closing his eyes to listen to the soft melody I'm playing. "She just want to be, beautiful" I sing "She goes, unnoticed she knows, no limits" I sigh and keep playing struggling to keep my voice steady. "She prays to be, sculpted by the sculptor." The rhythm of the song picks up now and Jack goes over to his computer snapping his fingers to the melody, adding it over the piano. "Oh she don't see, the light that's shining. Deeper then the eyes can find it. Maybe she's blind?" I shake my head. "Maybe we have made her blind?" He suggests and I sing it that way.

"So to all the girls that's hurting, let me be your mirror, help you see a little be clearer" I write that verse down, smiling at the almost complete song, for hours now we've been throwing lines at each other. I usually write my songs alone, but this felt right to be done like this, I trust him to know exactly what I want to say. "That's beautiful, I'm thinking for the end we can have you and a choir sing and you could be saying 'No better you than the you that you are, No better life than the life we're living' , but right at the end we quiet down the music and you go with the chorus again one last time, on your own" I like that idea, putting on the headphones and going to sing into the mic.

We get most of the song done, but we have to see about that choir and we still have a lot in production to do, but I'm confident, "Scars to your beautiful" will be a song able to touch many people, not just girls, because we unfortunately live in a society where molds and labels are frequently used. I haven't always been the kindest to myself, my body, my craft, my mind. I'm my worts critic, but that's normal, my therapist says. I didn't expect this morning to go in the studio with one line that came to me in a flash and from there to build a whole song. I kind of wanted to finish "Idontwanttobeyouanymore" , but I think I'll keep that for my sessions with Finneas, it feels like a song for him, maybe I could ask Billie to feature and do vocals? I write that idea down in my journal and closing it, I discard it in my bag, occupying myself with looking out the window at the fast moving city as Matt drives me back home.

When I get to my apartment everything is the same as I left it. I hate it. I used to come back home and mom would've cooked something, or cleaned something, maybe dad had built some new furniture or he was loudly watching tv in the kitchen, or they were both on the balcony smoking. I miss them, but then I remember those were the good simple times I missed. They're divorce was long coming, just like that source for the magazine said. My parents had a toxic relationship and they used to hurt each other a lot and me as well. They were also codependent on each other, so it took a lot of pushing for my mom to finally file for divorce. My dad, a smart manipulative man, who loves me truly, but who holds no respect for my mother, had his claws deep into her and he was abusive towards her, both verbally and physically, though the latter was not as often. As you can see it's safe to assume my dad blames me for the divorce, but so does my mom. They think I'm spoiled and unrealistic, living in a fake world with an imaginary career.

I pick up my phone from where I left it on my bed and turn it on, notifications flooding my screen. I delete the unimportant ones, reply to some emails and text back a few people, leaving the best for last. I open the group chat with Timmy and Roxanne, reading over their texts, they were both going crazy over my ghosting of them. With a shaky breath I start tipping.

Me:

Sorry guys, was busy in the studio. Had an early fitting for the Oscars as well

RoxiBear🐻:

Girl you had us worried. Everything ok? I saw that garbage article.

Me:

Yeah I'm ok, I guess. I don't know.

Timmy💝:

Don't lie!

Me:

I don't know what you want to hear. None of what they said was true.

RoxiBear🐻:

I'm with Tim on this one, don't lie.

Me:

Idk what to say. Yeah I was alone w/ Austin and then w/ Joshua, but nothing happened. I don't think

Timmy💝:

You don't think?

RoxiBear🐻:

What does that mean?

Sighing I decide this is too much to be carried over text, so I FaceTime them. They both answer in an instant, Timmy seeming tired, already lying in bed and Roxanne waiting at the airport for her flight home. "So I took Austin out, to show him New York, but that was that. I'm not making moves on him" I roll my eyes at the stupid assumption. "And with Joshua, I think it was a date? He did give me this, that was true" I lift up my right hand and they gasp at the sight of the bracelet. "Definitely a date, girl and that looks so gorgeous, it's your style" Roxanne says, and Tim is quick to chime in. "Yeah I can confirm the dude likes you, he skipped flowers and went straight to the rocks." I laugh, brushing a hand through my hair. "I guess what bothered me most was them using those pictures of me and saying that I'm doing this because of the divorce, it's just. If I wanted it discussed over media I would've streamed it." They laugh a bit at that, but return to their serious demeanors. "Hon' I wish I was there to hug you!" Timmy says, sticking out his bottom lip. "I will, in a few hours, I'm taking my Uber straight to your place, so let the front desk know I'm coming." Roxanne says, before she drops her phone, making us all giggle. "Shit, gotta go, how can I be at the airport early and still get late on my flight, fuck me! Bye, love you!" She waves quickly, ending the call, leaving just me and Timmy.

His knowing eyes watch me through the screen, but I know I have to cut this short, the dark circles under both of our eyes, prove that we need more sleep. "I hate to cut this short- " he breaks to yawn and as on cue I do the same. "-but I have early call time tomorrow. I just want you to know, that I'm with you no matter who you want?" This makes the hair on the back of my neck stick up. "What?" I ask almost scared of the answer. "Sweet dumpling, yesterday when we talked you had this light in your voice, now call me crazy and tell me that I'm wrong, but I do think that hanging out with Austin did it or maybe it was the anticipation of the date with Joshua? I don't know, but sis, you sounded alive, for the first time in months. So, and I know Roxi, would agree, have your fun, turn a blind eye to all the gossip. Dating isn't bad, neither is making new friends, so whichever you decide Austin and Joshua are, I think you shouldn't overthink it." Smiling at him I dry my now damp cheeks, I don't know why I'm surprised he said these things, he's always been there and he's never judged me just like never judged him. "But I don't even know, what this is? Not Austin, not Joshua. I'm just, I don't understand. I've never-"

I can't find the right words to say, the matter is still very new and unknown to me. I think I like Austin, I mean there's definitely a lot to like, but then there are those things that should stop me, like the age gap and the girlfriend, doesn't matter that the relationship is fake, it still exists. And then there's Joshua, didn't write a song for him and I barely spoke to him, but he's sweet and does make my heart beat faster. Ugh I don't know what this is. Am I living a teenage drama show? Am I in a love triangle? No, I'm not, cause I'm not sure either of them like me the way I like them. "(Y/n)?! Still there?" Timmy waved his hand in front of the camera and I blink to bring myself back to this reality. "Yeah, no I'm here, I'm just..." letting the words fly in the air, I watch as Timmy looks at me a little worried. "Sweet sœr, I hope you know Matt called me, I was scared. Are you having those thoughts again?"

I look away, shy about my past, but knowing full well I have no reason to be, I look back at him. He's talking about the thoughts that inspired "everything I wanted". Back before the divorce, when I was still filming for Reconstructing Amelia, I was slowly sliding in a dark place, being in constant conflict with my parents, feeling alone, useless, stupid, meaningless. My life meant little to nothing to me back then, I had gotten so wrapped up in those dark corners of my mind, I don't know that I actually ever thought of doing anything to myself, but I was definitely thinking that if something bad were to happen I'd be ok with it. I made myself think it's ok to feel like that, but it's not, no matter what, your life should mean something to you. I am now in a stable place, my life means something to me, not much more than it used to, I'm still working on it, it's a long process. "No, double B, I'm not, I'm just tired and sick of everything. I wrote a beautiful song today, but you should sleep now, you look tired."

A smile creeps up on his lips, his white shiny teeth showing up. "Please tell me if that changes, I'll be there in a second." Shaking my head, I wipe some of my tears away. "I will, sleep well, sweet dreams!" We wave at each other and then end the call. I sigh throwing my phone on the bed and splay on top of the sheets, starting at the ceiling. With my eyes closed I can once again take myself back to that night, when we danced, drunk or red Shiraz wine, swaying to the sound of 'Are you lonesome tonight'. Humming to myself, I get up and change into my purple silk pajamas. Lost in thought I almost miss the phone buzzing. Answering the call without looking who it is first. As I pick it up and look at the screen, the fact that is yet another FaceTime call is obvious and mess of blonde hair is showing up on the screen.

"Hey there!" The breath gets caught in the back of my throat as I lock eyes with Austin through the screen. "Austin..." he chuckles at my dumbfounded face, almost like him FaceTiming me out of the blue is just as normal as drinking water. "Yeah, I just wanted to see how you were? Been thinking of you and I read that pice of shit of an article. I wanted to make sure you're fine" I'm still a bit confused about this whole interaction, not really sure if it's real or if sometime between talking to Timmy and changing I fell asleep, so now this is all a dream. A beautiful dream. I also try not to read too much into him saying he's been thinking of me. "(Y/n)?" Austin's voice grows concerned as I seem to be just a frozen image on his screen, unmoving and definitely not breathing.

Shaking myself up, I push some of my hair behind my ears. "Sorry, yeah, no. I'm, well, you know , right, I'm -" I'm fucking rambling nonsense. He licks his lips, catching the bottom one with his top teeth, the flesh turning white, as it's released from the tight bite. I swallow thickly, trying to gather myself up. Taking a deep breath. "Sorry, I'm tired. The article, was-" I pause searching for the right thoughts. "A misogynistic piece of shit." He finishes for me making me giggle. "Yes, that exactly." He seems to be happy that he's managed to make me smile, a pleased look on his face. "Busy day?" He asks and I nod.

"Fitting for the Oscars, then I was in the studio until a few hours ago." Austin hums low, that sound vibrating through me like electric current. "Anything I can hear?" The question catches me a bit off guard. "I get it if I have to wait with the rest till the album is complete and out, but I like hearing you sing." And this right here is what I meant when I said, I liked the way he played his game, because he's a master at making me fold. The blush that rose into my cheeks, a scarlet shade, painting my skin. "Wait here!" He laughs as I prop my phone up on my pillows and jump off the bed, to run into the living room and get my guitar.

"Ok, I'm back" I say jumping on the mattress, placing the guitar in my lap. "I can see!" He snickers, making me blush one more time. The soft pads of my fingers, brush the rough strings of the guitar, the simple cord progression filling the room with a beautiful slow sound. "Ok so this song is not done. I'm waiting for Finneas to come to New York next week and finish it." Austin nods, turning over in bed to lay on his side, one hand tucked under his head. Sleepy blue eyes staring at me. "Don't be that way, fall apart twice a day, I just wish you could feel what you say" I sing, harmonizing the words. "Show never tell, but I know you too well, Got a mood that you wish you could sell." Sighing I keep going, preparing myself for the dark and twisted chorus. "If teardrops could be bottled, there'd be swimming pools filled by models. Told a tight dress is what makes you... a whore" closing my eyes, I push back my feelings. "If 'I love you' was a promise, would you break it if you're honest? Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before"

"I don't want to be you anymore..." this is how far I've gotten to writing this one. Opening my eyes again, I look at Austin, but I'm not able to read anything about what he's thinking. "That was so beautiful." A relieved sound escapes my lips and I lick them before talking again. "Thank you, it's not really about runway models, I meant models, like, the people you look up to." He nods "Yeah I get that's it's about the pressure you're under when you're supposed to be some example for the world" blinking stupidly at him, I feel the kick of my heart against my chest, like a punch coming from the inside.

Placing my right hand on top of my heart, I massage slow circles into the muscles there, over my silk top. I see something in Austin's eyes change and if I didn't know any better I'd say it's jealousy? But that can't be it.

Looking down at the place where my hand rests on my chest, you can clearly see the bracelet Joshua gave me, but that upsetting him makes little to no sense, he clears his throat before speaking. "Did I get it right?" He asks, a tint of knowing in his tone. With a big smile on my face, I nod. Austin seems fairly pleased with getting the meaning of my song right.

In the silence that falls between us for a few seconds, my stomach growls and I pray he didn't hear it, but he did. "Did you eat today?" He asks and I try to hide my face in my shoulder, knowing how red it must be. It's embarrassing for my body to betray me like this. "No, I didn't have time" he sits up on his bed, ruffing up his curly hair. God how soft it look, I wish I could touch it.

"Go eat, it's not healthy to not eat." Sighing I look at my lap, running a list of everything I have in my fridge. There's plenty of food, but none of it sounds appetizing and I'd have to cook it, which I hate. "I'm not that hungry." As I say that, my stomach makes a point to growl again. "I think your body betrays you here." He says giggling. The sound of his soft laugh, bringing a smile to my face. "I'd have to cook, not my forte, I'll eat tomorrow." I try to reason, but it's clear he won't have it.

Austin stands up from his bed, confusing me a bit about where this is going. "Well I'm hungry as well, so why do we cook together?" He raises a brown at me, biting his lip in waiting for an answer, but he's already up and walking to his kitchen. I laugh and also drag myself off of the bed, to make my way into the kitchen. "Ok I'll trust you." He smiles from ear to ear, walking quickly through his house.

When the both of us are in the kitchen, I place my phone down, prompting it up on the counter against a jar of cat treats. "Let's make French toast? It's not hard." I shake my head before he gets a chance to defend the choice of food. "Ok not that, let's see..." he looks through his fridge and pulls out a cartoon of eggs. "Scrambled eggs?" Austin questions. "Yeah, that we can make." I say, going over to my fridge to get everything out.

After I lay everything out in front of me, looking at Austin expecting, waiting for me to tell me what to do, even though I actually know how to make eggs. "Ok put the pan on the stove, medium heat" I do as he says, following his steps, like I've never done this before, hoping he won't see through my little lie. "After it's warmed up, add butter and crack the eggs in it." Carefully I add butter into the pan and swirl it around to coat it evenly, then I crack two eggs and discard of their shells into the bin. "Good girl" I get goosebumps all over and it's a good thing I have my back to the phone cause I know that if he were to see my face right now, he'd catch me and my little crush. "Use the spatula to mix the eggs in the pan and break them into smaller pieces."

With a shaky hand I grab the spatula and do as instructed, staring into the pan, like it'll give me an answer, like those eggs would arrange themselves into a sentence and say: you're not dreaming, he likes you too. Suddenly I feel an itch all over my skin, like I miss something and when I realize what it is, it hits me like a train. Because it's his touch. I miss him. The way he swayed with me in my living room, like we had no worry in the world. "Show me." Austin demands and in a robotic stance I take the phone and turn the camera towards the pan. "You're a natural, add salt and pepper." I put the phone down, adding the seasoning as he said.

After a few minutes our virtual cooking class ends and we are sitting each at our table, in different states, looking at each other through a phone. "So when are you coming to LA for the Verity interview?" He asks eating some food. Putting some food into my mouth as well and chewing it carefully, I skim through my schedule into my brain. "Hm so today it the 28th, Oscars are on March 12th, I should be there on the 15th" I nod double confirming the information I just gave. "You'll have to come over, have dinner, I'll make you pizza in my stone oven, I bought this house especially for it, my ex's had one and in the beginning of quarantine I got addicted to it."

"Yeah I know, you told me you once cooked 20 pizzas in a day." I interrupt and he laughs drinking some water, leaving me staring at his Adam's apple moving up and down. "Yeah I guess I did, so are you coming?" Eating some more food into, I try not to seems so desperate about seeing him, so I struggle to be casual. "Sure, I will." Austin seems happy with the answer. "Great it's settled, I promise you, I'll cook you the best pizza you've ever had."

"Could you actually teach me how to make it? You're a good teacher." I ask. Austin seems a bit surprised at my request, but a wide smirk quickly appears on his face as he scratches his chin. " 'Course I'll teach you, we'll make it all, from the dough to the very end" I raise my brows at him, shocked at the extent of his love for cooking. "Hm ok then it's only fair I find something to teach you." I get up from the table and move over to the sink to rinse the plate and pan and put them into the dishwasher, cleaning after myself. "How about crochet?" He suggests, the fact that he remembered it is a hobby of mine, making my heart skip a beat. "Sure, I'll do it." I say drying my hands on a towel, folding it and placing it back in its place afterwards.

Taking the phone in hand and walking back into my room, I plop down onto the bed. "Was that a twilight poster I just saw?" Austin asks, a deep color flushing my cheeks. "Maybe" I bite my lip to stop my smile from getting too big and turn the camera around to show him my poster wall. "Wow, marvel, Disney, twilight, lady Gaga, Madonna, you've got all the goods." Austin's amazed tone makes me laugh. "Well what can I say, I like the things I like and I love posters, let me show you this one." I get up and take him over to the opposite wall to show him the huge poster I have of Elvis singing dressed in the leather suit, for the '68 comeback show. "I have that suit." Turning the camera quickly around so he could see my surprised face, I search his face for a hint that this is a lie, no way he just casually confessed to stealing such a piece.

"I'll show it to you when you come over, I have the movie replica of course, but still, it's beautiful." His raspy voice sounds so angelic, I could listen to it nonstop. "I can't wait for you to show me." I say jumping back on the bed. "You didn't show me your room, when I was over Saturday." Austin points out, pouting like a little child. "It escaped my mind, I guess" I try to play it cool, but he can probably see right through me, as he laughs. "I'm sure it did." A wide smirk stretching on his face.

I turn on my side in bed and put the phone down on some pillows, so he can see me without me having to hold the phone up. "So how about you, any interesting work in the future?" He shakes his head rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. "Not for the moment, just press, but then I start working on Dune 2, in late August, so I guess that one will be exciting." I knew that, Timmy told me he was casted for a role in that movie, but I try to hide the fact that that was already known information for me. "Hm means you'll get to know Tim plenty." I conclude. "Yeah, I guess I will. Though I'm not sure he likes me, that much." I shrug my shoulders, knowing that's only half true. "It's my fault though, I kind of, you know"

"Dated his ex?" I finish for him, as he nods. Austin's lips stretch out in a thin line, he seems fairly embarrassed by the fact that I knew about him and Lily-Rose. "Well Timmy will get over it." Relieved he lets out a breath that gets caught in his lungs midway, following my next words. "If you are on your best behavior" I push my lips together trying to hold my laughter in, but failing miserably as a fit of laughter shakes my body and he follows suit joining me. "Your laughter is so beautiful." I stop laughing and look at him wide eyed, he seems just as surprised as me, that those words came out of his mouth. Austin moves his mouth open and closed like he's trying to say something, but nothing comes out and I'm holding my breath, scared that if I were to breathe right now, this whole moment would vanish. "Thank you." I whisper, placing the backs of my hands on my cheeks, feeling how hot the flesh is burning.

Neither of us knows how to move on from what just happened, but we have to bounce back. He has a girlfriend and I'm, well, I guess I'm just me. William jumps up on the bed and comes to snuggle close to me, getting in the camera view. A wide grin shows up on my face as I pet the cats fur and it immediately starts purring. "Hey there good boy." Austin says, as William turns his small head towards my phone, sniffing at the screen, before burying his face in my neck, making me giggle at feeling of his wet nose against my warm skin. "He likes me" Austin states proudly, smiling from ear to ear. Just then a yawn goes past my lips and in true lady fashion I cover my mouth with my hand.

"You're tired and I'm keeping you up." He says sounding disappointed. It's then that I look at the time and see it's now almost midnight, means I should probably get back to sleep as I have yet another early morning tomorrow. "It's fine-" "Oh god I'm so stupid, it must be midnight in New York right now, I'm so sorry." He interrupts me, apologizing for not taking into account the three hours difference. The way he seems so upset with himself, raises a new feeling within me, again a very unknown, very warm feeling, indescribable by all means. "You should be sleeping" now Austin's voice sounds almost scolding, like he's somewhat directing the loosing track of time on me as well. I feel small and bring my knees up to my chest, caging William in between my torso and legs. "I'm sorry, it's my fault, I should have thought about time difference." Austin sighs, dragging a hand over his face. "I just, I don't know, I got home and picked up the phone, calling without thinking."

"It's ok Austin, no harm was done, plus if it weren't for you, I probably would've gone to sleep without eating." The features on his face don't soften, if anything they grow more stern. "I'll take that win, but you should know that's not ok, you should be eating!" He seems to be slowly relaxing and coming back to his jovial stance. "Anyway guess it's time I let you sleep. Sweet dreams, my darling!" He puts three fingers up to his lips, kissing then and blowing the kiss to me. My heart starts racing and my cheeks flush a deep burgundy color. "Goodnight Austin!" I say and end the call with a small wave.

After the call is ended, I shift on my back and hold the device close to my heart. "My darling" I whisper, as if the words were a sacred spell. He called me darling and he called me his. The ceiling is spinning and I feel light headed. I can feel the irregular thud of my heart against my breast bone and I struggle to get my breathing back to normal. I feel like I'm flying. Is this how having a crush feels like? Like you're drunk? Not that I've ever been drunk, but I've been tipsy in the past and it feels like that, only stronger.

Closing my eyes I dive back into my memory of his soft lips against my cheek, the way it felt as the little wet spot left behind dried. I go back to his flaming hands on my waist, missing the weight of them. I remember the way my cheek rested so perfectly against his chest as he held me close, like we were two puzzle pieces, designed to fit together.

I'm woken up from all my dreaming as the phone vibrates against my chest, my excitement picking up, thinking it might be Austin. The notification is not from him, but it still has the power to get me to blush even harder, if that were possible. Joshua's name shines on the screen and I open the text.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Hi, sorry for not calling today as I promised and sorry for the late hour, I just got back to my hotel from a gig.

Me:

No worries, I don't mind the hour.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Let me make it up to you. Are you free tomorrow?

Me:

Sure, I think I can manage some free time around noon.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Perfect, how about a walk in Central Park?

Me:

That's my favorite place in the city.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Ha lucky me, seems like I guessed right and you'll be sharing that secret place with me after all. I count on you for a tour💟

Me:

You've got it. Good guess by the way. Hope your gig went well. Did you have fun?

🎶Joshua🎶:

Yes!!! it was amazing, I love playing in front of my fans. I have another one Thursday night, you should come.

Me:

Hmm 🤔 sure I'll be there.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Ok I'll sing my best! I should let you sleep now. Have a nice sleep, honey💟

Me:

I'm 100% sure you'll do great. Get some sleep as well, it's late. Gn💟

I lock my phone and place it on my nightstand, trying the relax enough, so that I could get some well deserved sleep, but I'm wide awake. Wide awake thinking of how my mind keeps circling back to every pet name Austin and Joshua use with me, struggling to convince myself they are just verbal ticks and not a real signs of affection.

Pushing my face harder against the pillows, I count my breaths, slowly coming down to sleep. But before I fall into complete darkness a flash of color splashes in front of my eyes, it's blue, a shiny Egyptian blue - his eyes.

Tags: @kittenlittle24 @amorx @cryingabtab @lexicox044 @lrissa @feral4austinbutler @sageskywalker @jesssssicaa @rainydayz101 @flwersgarden @bobthefishiesworld @captured-memory @homebodybirkin2003 @galaxygirl453 @butlerslut @chrisevansgirl34 @myradiaz @pennyroyalcreep @macey234 @im-lame-irl @lordandmistress @the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf @poppet05 @gabbywontlose @4shbug @0-thegoodwitch-0 @hauntedarchivesx @chewiethecatus @sunnyx07 @francesbloomer @jessaroni19 @finelineskies @stargirlbytheweeknd @cerenaydins-blog @girlblogger2002 @gigisworldsstuff @my-baexht-Is @xmusselisims @denised916 @bluepeacheslandia @kibumslatina

@samaraannhan20 @goldobsessionworld @silliypapercreatorangle @cmrxac @donnamarie23 @justarandomfamdomblog @marlowmode @natsnosehair @xxgggooomm @banksmars @namoreno @areuirish @choppedlamphandscowboy @yeetfack-blog @fangirl125reader @aliceforbes @k-1898

[laineystein]

Regarding your latest ask, can you talk about how you managed to work on yourself and improve your relationship? I got into my dream relationship a few months ago and it has led me to notice toxic patterns in myself that I want to let go of, not just for my partner but for myself. But I have been so afraid of doing it wrong, and of not noticing specific areas I need to work on and thus never reaching my goals

Of course! It sounds like you’re on the right track. Acknowledging a lot of my destructive behaviors was the first step. Then once I acknowledged them I was able to acknowledge why I was acting that way. Once I acknowledged the what and the why, I had to heal a lot of the trauma that was causing all of it. It was a lot of self-reflection and a lot of accepting discomfort as I worked through a lot of these things on my own. I’d really pushed down and ignored a lot of things and I really needed to start processing emotions instead of channeling them in an unhealthy way. My husband was a big part of this too. During all of this I was finally saying a lot of this out loud so it helped to a) not only be honest and transparent with myself and another person but also b) have someone you love and trust who also wants you to get better who can hold you accountable. I also think when you openly acknowledge a shortcoming, it allows other people to give you grace. I had never given myself grace so to have my favorite person in the world do this was really eye-opening. And in healing a lot of my insecurities and toxic coping mechanisms, my husband was able to heal his as well. Because that’s the thing - we’re all pretty fucked up and being in a relationship is just learning to be a little less fucked up with someone who loves you regardless.

There is no wrong way to heal. Just by acknowledging that you need to heal and saying you want to heal, you’re already doing the right thing. It’s not linear. Like I said, it’s a lot of discomfort. I’m still not perfect and my husband isn’t either. No one is. But I think if you want a relationship to work and you’re willing to put in the time to better yourself so you can show up in that relationship as your most authentic self, the relationship will work.

Congrats on the dream relationship! Love is such a gift and I’m so happy you’ve found it 🩷

[likesunsetorange]

I’m a e2l fan so I want anything you could give us about it like characters likes /dislikes ? Small snippet (sorry Im so excited for this fic I’m asking for alot :,(no pressure though <3)

love you hope you’re doing good

hiii! you're so sweet, ily2! i'm mostly good! a little stressed bc school but i'm keeping it pushing haha

and you're not asking for a lot!! i've actually been talking a lot about this au with a few of my moots lately so i've been itching to share about it so honestly go crazy with asking about it!!! since i haven't gotten as many asks about this au i guess i'll make this ask kind of long and just kind of dump some of the stuff from my notes into it? and i have a tiny snippet i can share too!

so i'll just go on a long ass tangent below lol

okay, so first thing about this au, the one thing i really want to emphasize (without spoiling) is the whole thing about this au is that their breakup reason is important, but also that nobody in particular is at fault. sometimes life just happens, and things happen, and sometimes you just need to take a step back and re-evaluate yourself, your goals, and what you really want! it's about coming back together and choosing that person in the end because you realize not being with them is worse than whatever drove y'all apart!

tbh a lot of this au is partially inspired by my own breakup & how the experience of me getting over it! i was in my early 20s for the first time being single after being in a relationship since i was a teenager and i was like woah wtf idk how to be single/without a partner. so that's a big focus of that! learning how to find yourself and realign your goals and all that!

but we can get into the characters now!

eren:

definitely is a bit more obvious about missing mikasa, but tries to act like he doesnt (he has her highlight still up lol, not doing a good job at it)

mostly just works a lot while they're not together

after they breakup, mikasa moves out of their apartment, so he's stuck seeing all their stuff all the time

the first time they see each other its messy, they get into a big fight lol, they aren't allowed to hang out together lol

but he realizes pretty fast that he regrets the breakup, but he sees that mikasa seems to be doing okay, so he wouldn't wanna intrude on that

he gets armin in the breakup basically (mostly bc he sees armin more, but armin still talks to mikasa, just not as much as he does to eren obvi)

he picks up some of mikasa's hobbies bc he misses her so much lol he's down horrendous

at the very least does miss mikasa at least as a friend

mikasa

after their breakup, because she's kind of trying to spite eren, she starts going out a lot to cope—her "hot girl era" essentially lol

she definitely starts prioritizing herself a lot more, and spends more time with her friends and figuring out what she wants outside of eren

but she definitely misses eren, she's just better at hiding it lol

she partially thinks he just doesn't want anything to do with her anymore (a lot of this is just them being fucking idiots lol), and she basically doesn't try to stalk him or see what he's up to bc she doesn't wanna know out of her own peace of mind

she has very bad flight anxiety so when they fly to italy, she lowkey kind of hopes that eren doesn't change his flight (he does bc he has to do something not even to be petty), and she has a very terrible flight experience and all she wishes is that eren were there

and here's a little snippet! this takes place the day after they break up!! sorry for rambling LOl but hope you enjoyed my little tangent! :)

“Damn, Mikasa,” Gabi called out from behind her, only causing Mikasa to turn around. “We didn’t know you went out on weeknights.” 

Gabi, one of the college freshmen who worked at the gallery, had a tendency to say whatever was on her mind, never bothering to filter herself. Even if Mikasa had grown rather close to her since she started working at the gallery in August, sometimes she wished Gabi would just shut up.

Mikasa scoffed, confused as to what even prompted her to say that. “What are you talking about, Gabi? And don’t cuss so loud, especially where guests can hear you.”

“Your eyes, they’re all red. Not to mention how bad your bags are,” she said, pointing to her eyes. “Seems like someone was a victim of Sunday Funday.”

Mikasa lifted a finger to touch her eye—still puffy, but from tears, rather than drinking.

“Gabi, you’re not supposed to say stuff like that—it’s rude,” Falco chimed in.

“Hey, it’s not my fault she can’t handle her alcohol,” she shrugged, turning back toward Mikasa. “It’s okay, Mikasa, the prettiest girls are always the biggest lightweights. But anyway, are you feeling okay? Does our favorite party girl need some Tylenol? A Liquid IV, maybe? Even a Gatorade?”

Was she supposed to answer honestly? Tell them that she had spent the entirety of her night crying because she and her boyfriend had broken up. That she was sure that the cops almost got called by their neighbors from how loud they were yelling at one another? That Sasha couldn’t even understand her when she called, telling her she needed somewhere to stay because she stormed out of their apartment, not even giving Eren the chance to finish his sentence, somewhere after one of them had uttered the words, “We shouldn’t be together anymore?”

She had been doing so well, pushing the thoughts to the back of her head, trying to get through the entirety of her shift without thinking about everything—about him. She only had an hour left in her shift, but all of her efforts had been to no avail.

It was as if the wind had been knocked out of her, she suddenly lost the ability to breathe, and she felt all the blood drain from her face.

We aren’t together. We aren’t together. We aren’t together. The words playing in her mind on loop.

“Hey, Mikasa. Are you okay?” Falco asked, his eyes flooding with concern as he looked over Mikasa’s current state.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” she said quickly, before running off to the bathroom.

But maybe just this once, Mikasa was lucky for Gabi’s inability to shut her mouth—at least being hungover was a good enough cover for sobbing her eyes out in the bathroom.

[cowboyjen68]

Hey Jen, I hope you & yours are having a good Christmas and staying warm. I guess I just need some hope. My girlfriend broke up with me 10 days ago and I feel like a shell of a person. We were together for 3 years, and I thought she was the love of my life. Now it’s Christmas Day and I’m left to look at the empty place her stocking was that I hung not that long ago and feel overwhelmed by the memories of past holidays together while knowing that right now, she’s off spending the day with her new fwb. I can’t stop thinking about her, I feel like I lost my one chance at happiness. I can’t stop the constant thoughts of her with another woman, and it’s making me feel sick. I miss her so much. I miss her presence in my life and the way she felt against me. I feel like I’ll never want anyone else and she’s already found someone else to sleep with. I don’t know how to cope.

I am very sorry that happened. I had a FWB whom I loved dearly end it with me very suddenly, although I understood the "why" I didn't expect it to be so cold and sudden. My last girlfriend and I were still/are still very much in love but we can't be together so we broke up. I understand a little about the emotions you are feeling.

It as been over a year and I still have some of her things in my closet and I never rearranged her side of the room from when she stayed with me. The book she was reading is still on the shelf near her side of the bed. Sometimes I think about all the things we planned together and the sadness is over whelming.

I can tell you this. After the loss of my first girlfriend (at 29) I was sad and missed the comfortable things we shared. I didn't miss the things that we were incompatible about which included life goals, sex and living in the country. She thought she would love rural living and insisted on buying the house. She lasted about 4 months and was gone ending a relationship of 7 years. But the house was just the final part. On many levels I knew that what we shared was no longer mutual passion but familiarity and comfort. We both went on to find love, her in a long lasting marriage she still enjoys and me in several other women, my last girlfriend being the biggest and best love I have every experienced.

You will not be ready to move on yet and there is no reason to rush yourself or feel like you need to "put yourself out there". When you are ready you will know it and it will likely sneak up on you. In my experience we don't just get "one chance" and love comes in many depths and some relationships last longer than others. The value of your love with another woman is not based on time but the fulfilment you received from it.

You are still fresh in the pain, surprise, anger and sadness. Let yourself feel all of it. Observe the things you miss and no detail is too small to mull over. There might be not any way for you or for her to know what caused her to break it off. The end result is the same so there is no reason to go over the past for signs or to rehash every thing that happened to find a reason. Instead it is best to try to understand that you can't change what has happened but you can decide how to move forwards.

Put energy into yourself but it does not have to be right away. Grieve for a while. Start in your space. Move things around and remake the furniture or decorations in your home to suit you. Take one room at a time and really "see" things that you have not really noticed because they have always just been there. Manipulating our Physical space can make a big difference in helping us to heal. Do things you like to do that you could not when she was around. You get to decide. Being without someone can be less about being "alone" and more about being free to do as you please, if you let it.

I understand you are heart broken and lonely and feeling a deep loss at what could have been. I promise, time will fade those intense feeling and when you are ready to find love you will know it.

[kitxkatrp]

🎨,🖤,🏹,💔,🎄,❌(Lan Fan),🗡️,😶‍🌫️,❤️‍🔥, 💄, ❤️, 🎀, 🧪, 🤔, 💀(Fu's death), ✍️ all for LING YAO c:

🎨 ARTIST PALETTE— what are some hobbies that you like to partake in? do you think they're just to pass time or to distract yourself, or do you believe some of them potentially have therapeutic outcomes for you?

"I like eating and trying new foods that I haven't tried before! It's loads of fun, but also, I tend to faint if I don't eat very often, so it's beneficial for me anyway. Besides, it's relaxing."

🖤 BLACK HEART — what would you say is the darkest thought you've ever experienced? what do you think caused you to have that thought? have you ever planned on or fantasized about acting on it?

"When Envy changed into Lan Fan...I was horrified....but a part of me wanted to rip him to pieces, slowly, carve his tongue out and rip out his eyes for daring to defile the image of someone I cared about." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't get the chance to, but I still think about it sometimes. I'm...a little upset I never got the chance to have a go at him, but I hear Mustang did a good job of it by himself."

✈️ AIRPLANE — have you traveled anywhere that helped you discover something about yourself and/or about the world?

"I traveled to Amestris to find the secret of immortality, but...while I was there I think I got stronger as a person. I lost some important things and a person along the way...and I still walked out of it accomplishing my goal. I think...because I did that, I can lead this country more efficiently."

💔 BROKEN HEART — is there anyone in your life you wish you had a better relationship with? if so, how come? what makes this person important to you?

"I'm not sure if this counts since he died not that long after I became Emperor, but I wish I had a better one with my Father. I wish that I wasn't just a number to him. I wish it wasn't all /games/ to see who was succeed him. I wish he had actually cared for each of us individually. For us he was one person. To him, we were all melded together like a stew. I always despised that about him."

🎄 CHRISTMAS TREE — what is your favorite holiday and why?

"New Years, New Years Day specifically. I like the festivities, and I like the promise of a new year. It means you survived yet another year, you're still alive, and you get to celebrate being alive. What's there not to like about that? Oh...also the food."

❌ CROSS MARK — how would your life be different if [name of person] had never been in it? would it be better or worse?

"I--honestly I don't want to think about that. But...I think I would have failed my quest. I don't think I would be Emperor without her support and I don't think I would have survived very long. I....she's always been by my side and made me feel safe. Without Lan Fan...I don't want to know."

🗡️ DAGGER — what is something or someone you know you can't afford to lose? how far are you willing to go to make sure you don't lose it/them?

"Lan Fan or Greed. I refuse to lose either of them. I nearly did, both of them, multiple times, and that was the worst feeling I've ever felt. I refuse to let myself fall into that state again and for that, I need them both with me. They are my strength."

😶‍🌫️ FACE IN CLOUDS — is there something you're hiding from the people you love? if so, how urgent is it for them to hear it? what's holding you back from sharing it?

"I....am both proud of myself and hate myself just a little. I am proud for making it this far...but I am...ashamed of what it took to get me here and the sacrifices that had to be made. If I had been stronger, Lan Fan would've never lost her arm and Fu might still be here. Even Greed, I wasn't strong enough to avenge his friends either. They...don't need to know I feel like this. They would tell me it wasn't my fault, or responsibility, but....I can't change how I feel."

❤️‍🔥 HEART ON FIRE — what angers you the most? what triggers this anger, and how do you cope with it? what does this anger feel like, if you had to describe it?

"People like King Bradley that claim to rule a country without a care for the citizens they govern. That sort of selfishly driven person isn't suited to lead a country, nor should they hold their head high like he did. The fact he not only called me a fool for caring about my country's citizens, but also had the gall to harm those close to me, makes me angry. I wish I had been the one to bring him to his knees, if only to prove to him that he was wrong. This deep burning feeling inside of me, it was the first time I've ever felt it."

💄 LIPSTICK — have you had any romantic or sexual experiences that made you realize something about yourself?

Ah hell, they just had to ask this one, didn't they? "Well..I..." He swallowed thickly. "Realized that I really like to be touched....more than I thought I ever would....and I actively desire it. I....didn't realize I was that kind of person." Just from kisses too.

❤️ RED HEART — what is/are your love language(s)? how do you use it/them to communicate your feelings about others?

"Sharing a meal! Oh? Does that not count? I guess...hugs and kisses, and paying attention to the little things. But to be honest, I think that might be less of a love language and more of...something I've learned to survive." Considering how many people were trying to kill him-- "But either way, I like to think it says that I care. I'm....a bit too awkward to say it out loud most of the time."

🎀 RIBBON BOW — how confident are you with your physical appearance? is there anything about it that you are insecure about? is there anything about it that you are happy about or gives you confidence? how do you think people perceive you based on your physical appearance?

"...." He hates this question. "...Do I have to be honest? ...Okay fine, I don't think I'm handsome or attractive at all. I don't like any of it. I wish I could change how I look. I don't even know what it is about it that I hate, except all of it. I don't know how people look at me, but I do know how I feel and I just...don't like it."

🧪 TEST TUBE — if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what is one thing you absolutely have to resolve and/or do before then?

"....Spend one more night showing them how much I love them. Maybe say it to them a few times to their faces, and hold them the whole time until my last breath. And I'd hope....that the last thing I'd see would be their faces."

🤔 THINKING FACE — what three emotions tend to dominate your mindset? do you know why they do?

"Hungry, exhausted, and determined. I'm always hungry, I'm always tired and never get enough sleep, but I always pull through and never give up."

💀 SKULL — how has [name of person] 's death influenced your outlook on life, if anything?

"I...feel like that naive part of myself died with him. The part that still thought I could achieve my goal without anymore sacrifices. It...really kicked my ass into gear and told me a lot about what being a ruler means. I won't....forget that lesson." He missed Fu.

✍️ WRITING HAND — what is one thing you wish you were better at? this can be a tactical skill, social skill, hobby, etc.

"....Expressing my feelings. I really do think I'm terrible at it. When I try to say something profound to someone I love, I get frightened and lose my will...it's kind of embarrassing."