#captain awkward
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operahousebookworm ¡ 1 month ago
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(via #1453: "Is my ADHD ruining my relationship or am I just with the wrong person for me?")
The part of this letter that got my blood boiling was LW’s partner getting upset at not being woken up with coffee on her birthday, when this is something LW had no idea she wanted. 
Now, I do understand that there are certain gestures that someone might want where part of what makes it special is the spontaneity, so straight-up asking someone to do it for you kind of defeats the purpose. But this is what dropping hints is for! So, your friendly Neurotypical Whisperer is here with some thoughts on how hints are dropped, so you can drop them for others or recognize when they are dropped upon you. (US-ian frame of reference, your culture may vary)
In the example here, if Partner wanted to give LW a chance to actually do the nice thing she imagined (to be clear, Partner here did not actually want that, it was clearly 100% a trap, but we’re supposing that a reasonable person could also want this) she first needed to introduce the idea. Ways to do that would include:
doing it for LW’s birthday!
sharing a post or video of someone doing it for their partner
mentioning that you heard of someone else doing it for their partner
This way it has at least been established that in Partner’s world, birthday coffee is a thing that exists. Without having done anything like that, they are 100% picking a fight and there’s no way to win.
So, for those of us who want people to just say what they mean, how do you know the difference between â€œhey this thing is neat” and â€œplease do this thing for me”? 
Generally, a true Dropped Hint is accompanied by some kind of generalized wistful statement. (Wistful tones often sound like enthusing over a cute baby animal, including increased pitch and drawing out vowels.) Phrases to watch out for:
“I bet that would be so nice.”
“Oh, wouldn’t that make such a great tradition!”
“I’ve always liked the idea of that.”
“They’re so lucky to have such a thoughtful partner.”
(Be sure to cross-check against what else you know about your partner, to make sure that part of that wistfulness isn’t â€œtoo bad I’m deathly allergic to that” or something.)
This combination of introducing an idea plus a hypothetical desire for it does not automatically rise to the level of â€œthis is a thing I actively want you to do,” but it does mean it’s likely to be well-received even if they genuinely weren’t expecting you to do it. Note that every additional time they bring up the same thing, the chance increases exponentially that they are outright asking for it while trying to maintain the illusion that it’s really your idea.
Finally, if you are the partner wanting to be surprised by something specific, might I suggest enlisting the help of a mutual friend? That way someone else can directly say â€œYou should wake Partner up with coffee on her birthday. It’s something she really wants but she’d feel weird just asking for it.” They have the information they need and you get that little thrill of an unexpected gesture. Everyone wins!
I want to be clear that this advice is specific to gifts and similar gestures. If you find yourself constantly doing this calculus for things like weeknight dinner or dealing with your families, you’re looking at a communication mismatch that needs to be called out and worked on (and might end up being a deal-breaker). But the element of surprise is an inherent component of gift culture (in the US at least) and that’s often at odds with direct communication. Plus, once you know what sort of indicators accompany a dropped hint, you’ll find that most people aren’t particularly subtle about it.
Thank you for joining me on this most recent installment of How to Neurotypical
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sexymurderlobster ¡ 1 year ago
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I'm going to a Big Family Event this weekend. This is the first one since I came out as trans, and most of my family (to my knowledge) will not be cool or supportive. So I've been re-reading old Captain Awkward, and I found one quote that basically sums it up.
There are doubtless pockets of infection below the scar tissue that should be drained for real healing to occur, but I don’t want to cut myself to shreds on these particular people any more. I don’t want to figure out what makes them tick or why it happened. I just want to sit down to dinner or a game of rummy a few times a year and have the feeling of having parents.
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summer-fruits-and-cream ¡ 10 months ago
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saving some good captain awkward letters
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theformerastronomer ¡ 1 year ago
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This is a *holy shitshow*, but this is a thing of such transcendent beauty it deserved to be shared:
"The problem is that every single part of your plan on its own is the worst plan I’ve ever heard, and together they form a bullshit Voltron worthy of its own wing in the International Shitshow Museum."
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cynosurus ¡ 1 year ago
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I think Captain Awkward's defence of selfies from a recent post is beautiful:
For most of the last several hundred years, my face would have disappeared from history unless a man with the right skills and tools happened along and decided it was worth immortalizing. I think there are worse historical and cultural developments out there than whatever lets each of us decide that for ourselves.
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respectissexy ¡ 3 days ago
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Today I want to share some writing from my all-time favorite blogger, Captain Awkward. The Captain is, imo, the best advice blogger to ever do it. If you’ve ever asked me for advice on how to navigate an interpersonal situation, there’s a good chance whatever advice I gave you was something I repackaged from the Captain Awkward blog. The day Jennifer Peepas followed me back on Twitter was one of the best days of my online life. I’m going to link a few of her best blogs, the ones I link people all the time, the ones that contain advice that is likely to be relevant to you even if you haven’t been in exactly the letter-writer’s situation.
When your dynamic with a friend has shifted unacceptably in the direction of “full-time, unreciprocated, unpaid therapist” and you need it to reset: https://captainawkward.com/.../question-143-i-lent-an.../
When you’ve heard that something about you is a Dealbreaker that puts you out of consideration for some people to date, and you’re worried that it will prevent you from ever finding love: https://captainawkward.com/.../question-162-i-am.../
When someone in your life delights in pushing your buttons (perhaps because they’re playing Trigger The Lib, but maybe also for some other reason) but then gets butthurt when you react as though your buttons have been pushed: https://captainawkward.com/.../917-how-to-set-boundaries.../
When someone won’t stop touching you (including a lot of great generalizable advice about how to set boundaries in a way that can’t be argued with): https://captainawkward.com/.../685-quit-touching-a-review/
When someone you care about is having the flavor of poor mental health that involves being an dick to everyone and then using people’s reactions as grist for the mill of Nobody Likes Me, Everyone Hates Me, Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms https://captainawkward.com/.../241-am-i-my-extremely.../
When there’s diet talk: https://captainawkward.com/.../question-152-talking.../
When you have intense romantic feelings for someone who does not reciprocate them: https://captainawkward.com/.../372-how-do-i-perform-a.../
When you want to end a relationship, but you still care about the person a reasonable amount and want to make sure everything goes smoothly for them: https://captainawkward.com/.../1368-the-ethics-of.../
Edited to add: how did I forget the MOST important Captain Awkward post, Secrets of the Darth Vader Boyfriend. For when your friend is dating someone who SUUUUUCKS: https://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/
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tawghasa ¡ 2 months ago
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resentment doesn't care who its daddy was once it's born.
Captain Awkward #1451: Love and money and compatibility
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gettheworkdone ¡ 3 months ago
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Dealing with family, politics, and holidays. STELLAR work from the captain as always!
Choice quotes:
“This whole blog is an exercise in practicing non-compliance with harmful expectations and people in personal and social spheres. What does compliance about this specific thing get you? What does it cost you? In the short-term, where is your line? In the long-term, how bad would it have to get before you made a different decision?
Conversely, if there is a version of celebration that feels good to you, like planning a solo holiday or spending time with affirming friends and family, or because the religious elements hold meaning for you, then do that. If going home for holidays or hosting gives you a sense of joy and normalcy during tough times, then please eke out what joy and comfort you can and deck the fucking halls while you still can. Righteously denying yourself the things you love isn’t going to save a single person that needs saving.”
…….
“…you’ll notice that these articles about “how to coexist peacefully at holidays despite contrasting politics” are always about the concessions and compassion we owe them, and never about the basic human fucking decency they owe us.
Which is why I recommend that whatever you decide to do this year about the problem of “holidays,” “family,” and the precise dread:fury ratio you’re rocking, make it about taking care of yourself and the people who are closest to your heart.”
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hauntednachotimemachine ¡ 28 days ago
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I am forever grateful to Captain Awkward for introducing me to Elodie, her angry swansona, and the entire concept of the Rageasaurus.
It was truly the first time I'd considered that my anger is there to protect me, and that - even if I don’t know how to respond just yet - I can at least ask what is it, boy? when it starts growling, instead of scolding it into silence.
on the validity of recognizing emotions
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landunderthewave ¡ 1 year ago
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While the Captain mixed up "comfort" with "confront" in the newest post, it sure sucks to have everyone of the "mutual friends" in your flat go to the same Thanksgiving dinner and nobody even mentioning it to you.
https://captainawkward.com/2023/12/06/1414-how-do-you-have-a-relationship-conversation-with-someone-who-says-you-havent-broken-up-but-is-acting-like-you-have/
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awkward-fink ¡ 2 months ago
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Finding them sleeping...
John Price
„John, dinner is ready.... John!” You stand at the foot of the stairs, one hand on the rail as you call for your husband upstairs. John had come home from a month-long mission just three days ago and he had done nothing but sleep and eat and lounge around, watching you, recharging his batteries. This morning, he had kissed your temple, one big hand palming the back of your neck lovingly the other grabbing the cheek of your ass possessively and had whispered into your ear, breath tickling the shell of your ear, that he would conquer the only foe living in this house. The one that hid away from open eyes and bred in the shadows, duplicating every time you turn around and become aware of the looming fight again.
Paperwork.
You hadn’t seen your noble knight and battler of paperwork since you brought him a small platter of snacks around midday, having concerned yourself with household chores and doing the dishes, going shopping (because that ravenous man had eaten you out of everything you had stored in the fridge, and even the cupboards).
So now, hours later, after not even hearing a peep from the man you call your husband, you decide to climb up the stairs again, to follow the old wooden hallway to the office right at the end, which’s door was slightly ajar.
“John? Are you alright? Did you hear me?” You speak up again, slowly pushing open the heavy oaken door, the angles creaking as you do. “John? Jo – oh.” You have to bite your lip as your eyes fall onto the big and burly man with slight greying hair at his temples.
John was still here, was still at his work desk. But that was where the picture you remembered from this midday differed from now. Instead of slightly leaning over the desk and rummaging through papers, one hand holding up his chin and head John was now entirely slumped over the surface of his desk, his hand still holding his pen while his other had dropped down, hidden from your sight. His cheek was smushed against the last paper he had worked on, ink stains in blue and red decorating his cheek and even the ridge of his nose. His eyes were firmly closed, his lips parted invitingly if not for the very small strand of drool at the edge of his mouth.
Your poor husband was asleep.
Dead asleep, like a stone, like the DEAD asleep. Just like the first three nights after you both came back from your two-week long honeymoon.
But you couldn’t leave him like that, his neck and back would surely be killing him tomorrow. So, you step closer, loudly, the floorboards creaking underneath your socked feet. (You had tried to touch him once, exactly once, when he was unaware and couldn’t hear you walking closer. He had been so sorry afterwards, coming back quick to himself, but he still had punched you hard and grabbed your arm to put you down. You knew your man, knew his work and the problems coming with it.)
“John… come one, hubby. Its me, wake up for me?” you murmur gently, slowly reaching out with your foot to tap his leg, poised to let jump back if you needed to. But it seemed as you didn’t, as your husbands’ eyes slowly opened, his nose crinkling. With a groan his body started to move, joints cracking and his muscles tense from sleeping in such a weird position.
“Love?” he muttered, his voice low and gravely from sleep, his eyes slowly focusing on you as he leans back in his chair. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing is wrong. I called you for dinner.” “Dinner? But you were just in to… Oh.”
You nod. “Yeah, you fell asleep. Maybe you should go to bed, hubby. You clearly need a bit more time to relax and sleep before you jump into the next fight again.” Instead of talking to you, he hums, a jaw breaking yawn following.
“Come to bed, Dinner is ready but its just in the oven to stay warm, it will be there later on.” “… come with me? Sleep better with you.”
“Always Love. Always.”
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misstoodles-doodles ¡ 6 months ago
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Safe & Sound 💙
I just really wanted someone to give Echo a blanket so why not let it be Rex
Closeups T-T:
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Bonus Doodle:
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bisonomy ¡ 5 months ago
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Corollary: If you read this and were afeared, this recent Captain Awkward Advice column is for you
the real danger of spending too much time with friends is you stumble out of ten days of happiness and good food like oh my god THAT was real life. my job means NOTHING
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bixels ¡ 1 year ago
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They're the same character.
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star-trekster ¡ 2 months ago
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⭐️Happy Wednesday! From the best DS9 crew photo⭐️
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nekrosmos ¡ 2 days ago
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I need Price to sit on Nikolai's lap while he shaves him with an old-timey razor.
The absolute trust Nik puts in his favorite captain's hands, his own palms resting on Price's thigh, gently stroking them as he watches him work with such affection in his dark eyes. Price is focused, pushing Nik's head back as he works on his neck, blade scrapping against his skin, a steady and precise hand.
When Nikolai gets too eager to touch him, unable to sit still, and the blade leaves a small cut into his neck, all he can do is smile, a short, teasing "oops" leaving his lips as he stares into Price's disapproving eyes.
With a brush of his thumb, John wipes away the small droplets of blood, but doesn't have time to clean his finger on the nearby towel, Nikolai instead grabbing his hand and his lips closing around his thumb, licking his own blood off of John's finger.
"Bloody animal." John says, an attempt at a frown failed by the affectionate crinkle of his eyes.
"You love it." Nikolai answers, letting go of John's hand, but not before placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles.
The soft humming that comes from John is enough of an answer, as the captain pushes Nik's head back, resuming his work.
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