#cant really decide what I want for it yet
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"yes I want to write one short fic please" the suspicious fic in question:
#and would you believe. im not even close to the smut yet#I have an outline for it but I'm probably gonna end up changing a bunch#cant really decide what I want for it yet#because I've actually been so absorbed with everything else lol
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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I'VE FINALLY FINISHED BROTHERSHIP IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!
#clai speaks#spoilers in the tags probably#ahhh first of all i am still astounded the game exists at all. we all thought m&l was done forever but here it is!!!#the timing of me playing superstar saga and getting really into mario last year couldnt have been better#i mean i probably would have played brothership still even if mario hadnt become a main interest of mine like that. but anyway#absolutely stellar re-entry into the series it did not disappoint in the SLIGHTEST#i think i 100%'d it? only thing i didnt do was finish that last dyode dance sequence but like its fiiiine#took about 50 hours i didnt get a chance to check my final time. really surprised that the game went that long!#i dont think it was a bad thing at all though. the game mostly didnt feel like it was overstaying its welcome#i did think lottacoins and the lower level solitree went a tad too long and i didnt like them but only a little. they're still fine sections#surprised that i didnt even feel like the sidequests were a drag they were all alright!#character interactions were so good ofc. love the new cast!! starlow felt a bit flat which is a shame but she also didnt appear much so#the sidequest where she visits bowser and he calls her chippy!!!! made me so happy!!!!!#all the callbacks were so good i'm glad they can still do that. yelled out loud after finding the peasley reef#docking points for no dreambert reef however. jail worthy offence#on reclusa specifically i dont have a lot to say about his character he's just your typical evil for the sake of evil villain#but i have to say i Love his design. the really exaggerated facial expressions and that clown neck frill. really fun character actually!!#ahhh call me childish but i'm never a fan of endings where friends separate but i like to think the second uni-tree--#--will allow them to link back up once its grown and can generate more connectar to do it#cant say if its my favorite yet bc recency bias is still too fresh but its absolutely my second favorite m&l game at least!!#i havent played paper jam yet i wanted to play the original paper mario and spm first. but i always hear its bad so??#brothership is at least on par with dream team for me rn. absolutely stellar game#i hope this means we'll get more m&l someday! i've already left a very positive response on the survey they put out#anyway. now to decide what to play next because i have a MASSIVE backlog of games and i didnt think this would take this long BJDHJFHF#10/10!!!! please play brothership immediately
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happy bday to me! 🎂🥳🎉
for this very special day i wanted to list and compare the presents and interactions i got in the mobile games ive been playing consistently lmao
under cut cause the pics are big
Time Princess A letter with 10 golden tickets, 100 stamina, and 10000 coins
Obey Me! Nightbringer 1 UR+, UR, and SSR Joker each 3 Demon Vouchers 30 Karma Points 200 AP 30000 Grim 50 Devil Points Along with a bday video, birthday calls from the characters throughout the day and a UR guarantee for a 10 pull There's half-off on Devil Tree unlocks There's also special birthday dialogue in the Surprise Guests: -- the first Surprise Guest I did gave me 30 more Devil Points -- and you can press anywhere on the boys and get max hearts :]
What in HELL is Bad They haven't implemented bday stuff yet so nothing (´。_。`)
Twisted Wonderland A Happy Birthday from the character you have set as your favorite card and a Tenfold Key Set (for rolls)
and last but not least.....*drum roll* 🥁🥁🥁 Love and Deepsace! Special Happy Birthdays from each guy which include them singing happy birthday to you :3 Birthday Dialogue on the home screen Presents from each one (items you can use to decorate their desks) 500 Diamonds 5 Empyrean Wishes 1 Bottle of Wishes: SSR 1 Energy Capsule: Powerful And 2 birthday stickers
#so whb is technically in last place but since its a newer game ill let it pass this year#so time princess is next in line for last place#its a fine gift but since they dont have any characters saying happy birthday it doesnt do much for me#nightbringer kinda surprised me!#i was expecting a call and some devil points#but this is a lot more then i expected :3c#also i go crazy for free UR+ Jokers#i was thinking of adding regular obey me but decided to skip it since i only really just log in for dailies for the most part#(and i dont even do that everyday if im not feeling it)#also theyre practically the same minus the calls (but i have the old ones that i havent listened to yet still)#twst was cute nothing too crazy#(thank you for ur presence lilia)#i liked love and deepspaces happy bdays from the characters a lot because they sang lmao 😭#also i feel very special from them saying all this nice stuff about hoping that i get what i want and that i stay healthy and stuff dwsiiws#it feels like obey me has more in character interactions BUT when i think it about it more#deepspace has the models actually hand you gifts#also the moment you have with the characters feels more personal#but tbf theres more obey me characters and you do get those calls throughout the whole day! (also they give more stuff imo)#so i cant really pick which one i liked more :d#dutp#obey me nightbringer#twisted wonderland#love and deepspace#im now 26....#oh jeez#long post#still doing the same shit i was doing in middle school uashusha (i mean playing dating games)#my personality has refined over the years tho#anyways im gonna celebrate tomorrow with my family :]#this is the end of my post tho ill probably post about the asmo phone call later
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my most controversial star wars opinion is that i think lux bonteri is not a horrible concept per se but perhaps underutilised
#by underutilised i mean not pointed in the right direction. 2 episodes and 1 4-ep arc is enough for him i think#yes ik hes annoying but it is so fucking funny to me for ahsoka to have that one random friend who definitely went to a prep school#or something and also was literally a separatist until he decided hes going to go rogue now and make the worst choices ever#like either kill the will they wont they early OR cut it entirely and they can be so funny. we are in HOT SPACE what are you DOING HERE#you are going to DIE and the guys like yes thats the plan ^-^ you see ive fallen into business with a very powerful man ahsoka you might#have heard of him. goes by the name of /hondo/. and ahsoka does the biggest fucking sigh ever#cut the kiss cut the bullshit keep the funny. and ahsoka needs more friends her age anyway#anyway i think im just soft on him bc his entry into the show meant a fucking respite from Other Ships I Really Didn't Like In TCW FFNet#(femslash was there but not as big of a presence yet unfortunately)#i dont blame ppl who hate him bc a friend in need is his problematic arc but truly hand me a spanner i can fix him#lesbian and her momentary comp het bestie......she crashed on his couch at least once post order 66#oh and UNFRIDGE STEELA she should have been head of onderon or something. so bullshit#as he is in canon he feels like wasted space for ahsokas character. theres no point in giving her any love interest while shes in the order#and barriss riyo and the s7 gals are all better choices anyway#and you cant pull the 'well some separatists are just normal' card after s3 bc he also wants to kill dooku like. at least be funny!#or try to set up whatever the hell ahsoka does between s7 and rebels! idk man
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thinking about dl!scar makes me sad for many reasons but one of the worst is thinking about him knowing far too well that grian is unhappy with him and just having to live with that
#they make my brain melt. and srry in advance cause what im about to say is like mainly the shit i made up but bear w me#anyways#like. scar loves him. and grian makes it very obvious that he isnt happy being soulmates with him#and scar just has to go around knowing that. he doesnt WANT grian to be unhappy but there isnt anything he can really do about it#he didnt make them be soulmates#and yet he gets punished for it anyway as if its his fault#also notice i never said grian doesnt love him. its the soulmate thing he doesnt like#maybe if it had been someone else he had been paired with#but with it being scar its just. he cant go thru that again. he is still in that damn cactus ring and now he is literally being forced to#basically do that all over again. with the added bonus of being RESPONSIBLE FOR IF SCAR DIES which is like erm.#the WHOLE crux of why 3rd life fucked him up#i do think grian loves scar but. he loved him once and it ended in tragedy. and he just cant do that again#thats why i believe he distances himself so much from scar in double life#also i will always champion that grian would literally rather die than be forced into a monogamous relationship which is.....#basically what DL is lmao. (3L is different cause despite initially being forced to serve scar he CHOSE to love him)#so add that plus extremely complicated feelings ft. trauma concerning scar equals yeah that mf is gettin outta there!!#btw this is not at all to excuse him if u guys know me you know when it comes to life series grian i HATE HIS ASS!!!#he couldve talked to scar about this. maybe they could have worked something out! but instead he decided to be shady and inconsiderate#anyways GETTING BACK TO WHAT I WAS ORIGINALLY SAYING.#i just think about how hard it'd be to be scar in DL. like you have been forcibly paired up with the guy you love and got lowkey betrayed by#in LL (but you betrayed him too once so does it really matter? and does the bond you forged in the desert really carry over?)#and yeah you're a little annoyed and hurt he kept it from you for that long. but you're ready to work together again#it's just like back then and its great! after all you never really left monopoly mountain. but the problem is he never left the cactus ring#even though you never held it against him. it always affected him more than you didnt it? you seemed to have far different takeaways from 3L#and so now you're sitting in a patch of bamboo feeling like a useless burden (because that is what he keeps treating you as)#and you havent seen your so-called ''soulmate'' in a day#and when you do its like whatever happiness was on his face dies out and he is so painfully unhappy around you#and you both pretend there isn't a smudge of chocolate and crumbs around his mouth#serena.txt#sorry. my demons
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people will be so terminally jealous of you that they’d rather you reexperience your trauma but somehow in a worse way than just let you live your regular happy life as it has been
#sorry i had privilege over you- real or imagined- but it is what it is#and taking it out on me instead of oh idk. the polticians who are to blame for your shitty situation. isnt gonna make your life any better.#i kinda have no control over your life and its actually not my personal job to give you shit#especially since you're a skeevy fuck who cant be honest about your wants needs and intentions and just pretend to be certain ways#so people stay around you and you get the beenfit of community rather than be the real skeevy fuck you are#like damn maybe if you were real i coulda helped you and we didnt have to go through all of this bs of you pretending you like me#just to get shit out of me#you saw how i looked. you saw how i express myself. you saw my confidence. and you did this out of some weird rageful jealousy#and then once you found out how bullied i was. suddenly im nothing. suddenly all the things you envied so deeply that you have to pretend#i dont exist and im not the reason you draw the way you do now. suddenly im nothing. in spite of apparently being the thing that made you#want to draw again anyways.#you really really do value might makes right even if you dont think you do. like if me being bullied is enough for you to decide im nothing#and you gotta go faun after my bullies then like idk what to tell you duder but thats might makes right lmao#how can i go from being *the sun* to you. from being all of your favorite ocs. to being absolutely nothing short of you having some deep#shame about me now that you know all the shit ppl put me through in hs?#i mean aside from all the shit you made up about me- lets put a pin in that right now okay- bc this is the real reason#lets be honest here.#and yet i know.#deep down. you still kinda envy me. because imma be myself no matter what any of yall do#and thats something you cant do ever. rip off your mask.
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Hi, anon here. First of all sorry you had such a terrible time with people. Second: I know it's tempting but don't go back to people who don't appreciate you being there. They're not your friends, they'll just hurt you again. You sound like a really sweet and amazing person and it's a shame you haven't found someone who sees that in you but I know one day you will. <3
everyone says that, but I have choice between trying again with same people or not having anyone at all :(( or wasting energy to try finding "the right people" and burning myself out more and still end up alone 🥲 but thank you anon. maybe you saying this will finally cast magic onto me and make it work! 🙏
#SO TIRED AND LOST ALL HOPE 😭😭😭#if bad to go back to people...but bad to stay alone...but bad to keep trying with strangers since affects health negatively....what do?#😭😭😭😭#lee lost in confusion and dead end#“one day” doesn't come fast enough. been waiting 30 years. cant wait 30 more. what if ine day never comes. what about NOW?!#i want one day to be NOW. because NOW is more important than “one day” 🥲#maybe “one day” and “the right people” will stop being fictional 😭 then people can quit telling me this for years and years#sorry for whining but LEE IS VERY SAD. even therapist cant help lee fix it because you cant control other people#and always told “you arent the wrong one. you do it right. everyone else is the ”wrong people“ so#means you cant do anything to fix it or try to make it better. have to wait and hope others will decide to be “right” 😭 tired of waiting!#sorry anon not trying to be “negative/dismissing” really appreciate the kind words. but dont know what to do with them#when hearing them for years and years and years and years and they havent made it come true yet 😭😭😭 waiting for that “one day”!!! tiredly
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okay see this is why I don't post fics until I'm done writing them; I've changed how these next few chapters are going to go like six times now >.>
#long fics are hard!! and i cant ever decide what i want to do with them!!!#i think i figured it out now though. i really do#now lets see if i can execute it well lmao#gonna have to start ch6 from scratch and move the ending of ch5 to later#no idea where yet but. ill figure it out#lyss speaks nonsense#lyss writes
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Bpd is wild bc you'll think you're fine and then it will be like: wow thats a nice healthy relationship you have with sexuality, dont mind me im just gonna poke around and mess with it a bit. no dont worry i'll just be real reckless and impulsive with it, its fine.
#bpd#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#not me thinking i didnt have it anymore only for her to come back swinging with a fucking steel chair#LIKE BESTIE#can we cool it?#and shes like: i want to break shit#me: not my life right?? :)) not my life right????!!!#thank god my brain decided to be helpful and cordon all of my bpd off into two wild impulsive people in my head#no yeah that's chill#no its cool. one of them literally has the job to wreck my life and draw me into bad situations#bc unhealthy interactions feel safer to a trauma brain than healthy ones#i swear i feel like an exhausted parent with a backpack leash child whos trying to run into traffic at every possible moment#like. GIRL. is this helping??? is this helping???! who is this helping??!!?#i'll kill you. electric chair.#anywayyyyyy i keep going on dates with men and expecting to feel anything except platonic camaraderie#like! this dude is really nice! hes sweet! hes really cool! as a friend.#cant believe im literally friendzoning guys I'm deliberately trying to date#WHAT IS THIS. AM I 14 AGAIN???#can we cut it out yet??
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Not gonna lie
I dont think I'll ever forgive my parents for how poorly they mishandled our dog's health. I constantly felt as though it was my fault even though I quite literally couldn't do any more than i did. I still feel as though it was my fault. He deserved so much fucking better. I love him, and he had to endure such horrible skin problems because my parents refused to take him to a better vet because they were convinced the one they went to was fine. Even though I protested them for YEARS. I tried so fucking hard to get them to see what was going on but they just let it get worse and worse. They would never listen. And I couldn't take him somewhere on my own because I was a kid with no money. My sibling was too busy to notice. And my mom couldn't accept that it was her fault, and that she could've done better. I think she knows now but is still denying it to herself. My dad, quite frankly, didn't care.
#thinking about it right now because of how neglectful ive felt in regards to my dog's teeth#even though it again is the result of my parents not caring#or not wanting to realize#for fucks sake. they didnt take the other family dog to the vet for YEARS until i coincidentally#almost killed myself and they decided to do things that would make me happy#and why didnt they? because they didnt want to admit they were being neglectful in that regard#but i think it was a wake up call for them#when he had to get a quarter or more of his teeth removed as a result.#im so worried about my dog#they wouldnt LET me get his teeth cleaned for years#and when i got him we had agreed that they would pay for the teeth#and i really thought they would show up. despite the fact that it took me three fucking years to get my own cavity filled bc my#mom is insane about health stuff and im too fucking mentally ill to get a nine to five#and it ended up being a root canal because of it#and i told them time and time again that i would spend my money from my grandparents on his teeth#in a fucking instant#but i dont hsve control of the account. because of course i dont. and i cant help but feel like i failed my dog#even though i dont even know if he'll even need more than one tooth pulled yet#he's everything to me#he keeps me alive#he threw me out of a haze that for sure wouldve otherwise ended up with me bleeding out#so im not being dramatic. hes the reason i get up every day and get out of the house and take care of myself. because i know he loves me and#depends on me. and DON'T say animals dont love the same because for all intents and purposes love is being able to depend on people. that's#what love is. love is about caring for people and being cared for in return#it doesnt matter if he doesnt comprehend things the same. he comforts me when im sad. he lays on me when i have migraines#that's love to me. and i loce that little guy wven when he's an annoying little shit. hes my bro yk?#hes there for me when i need him so I'll always be there for him. shoutoit to my dog for being himself#also ik he does it because i care for his needs. but like. what is platonic and familial love or like love in general i guess if not#reciprocating care? even if it's not the same kind of care it's still care. you provide what the other person needs when they cant provide#it for themself.
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.
#going wacko insane for the same guy again yep !!!!!!!!!@@@@#we both could have seen each other this weekend but JJDJDJZKZKZ DRAMAA#not with us but the other ppl JDJDJDJJD#i was so over it so i decided not to go. so i told him i wasnt n he said he wasnt either#in my delulu world i think he didnt go bc i didnt go HDJJDJDJZJZJ#bc he was online the whole weekend. plus i asked him if he wanted to just hang out with me n our other friend this week or next and he said#yes so HDJJDJDJDNDNSNS#god im just. i think i should just ask him out already#but our friend also hasnt answered me so im like...... hope everythings okay HNDJXNXNXNX#god inagine she cant make it or doesnt answer and i have to meet him one on one... o DJJDJDKDKDJDJJ#im trying not to be upset that shes not answering tho. its really not like her... its the long weekend so maybe shes doing something idk ..#ik shes also down about not having had a job offer yet#n me n the guy have jobs so... idk !!!#i was literally just in that headspace so i understand if shes reluctant to go out#it feels Awful when ur putting out a bunch of resumes and hearing nothing....#but yeah... idk whats gonna happen#but i dont wanna leave him hanging for too long so if she doesnt message me back by wednesday im gonna text her#she might just not be checking dc.... hhh idk JDJJDJDJXJZ#hitting that like 6 month mark since graduating and ya..... relationships are starting to dwindle tbh so i wouldnt be surprised#i was surprised she even wanted to keep in touch with me LOL but yeah#its crazy to me that out of everyone .. im closest to the guy. and like ik i always say that but it#doesnt become less surreal like. ever lol. like he answers me faster than my bffs... LOL what in the world#personal#wait omg im not done JDJJDJDJD when the drama was happening with the other ppl. i just wanted to talk to Him but i didnt have the energy#n when i finally did.. oh i felt so much better. love that we're always on the same page like.... what the fuck JDJDJDJXJX#idk i just think hes so sweet n cute n kind..... also prickly but i like that HDHJDJDJX#he always just says what he means. like hes v straightforward. and i really like that. bc im also that way and also bc im bad sometimes at#social stuff JDJJSJDJZJZJ
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thinking about roommate!choso, who, after fucking you for the first time, decides its the only thing he likes anymore.
besides spending time with you, and watching movies with you, and smoking with you.
you know those “physical needs, physiological needs, spiritual needs” pyramids you learn about in highschool? yeah, chosos goes fucking you in bed, fucking you in his car, fucking you on the bathroom counter, fucking you on the couch, and then—and only then—comes eat, sleep, drink.
he cant stop himself. i mean, really—when you’re walking around with your ass practically hanging out of your shorts, tight shirt with no bra underneath, how can you blame him for bending you over the nearest surface and barely taking the time to pull your panties off? (he doesn’t, just pushes them to the side or pulls them down enough to expose your wet cunt. just for his stupidly big cock to bully into your cervix as usual.)
and how can you blame him, when hes so sweet to you when hes quite literally pounding you over the back of the couch? all that comes out of his mouth is “i’m sorry, baby, ‘m sorry, but you know how i get when you tease me” and “i love you, thank you” over and over and over until hes pumping you full of his cum and then dropping to his knees to watch while he stuffs you full of his fingers to make sure you cant fake cummin’ for him.
so what, he’s a little anxious. what is he if he cant please you, though?
and maybe he has a bit of a…disregard for protection. it just feels so much better when he isnt hindering himself with a condom, obviously!
and maybe he likes watching you drool into his chest when hes done with you; watching his nut ooooze out of your cunt and make a mess wherever hes fucked you this time.
sure, you scold him after every time— “you gotta use protection next time, cho, i don’ wanna get pregnant.” you grumble, even while your lips are locked with his and just by his half-lidded eyes and dilated pupils you know hes not quite done with you yet.
deep down, you know maybe you wouldn’t mind having chosos babies.
not that you’ll tell him that. he’s very weak to your suggestions, and you don’t know what you’d do if he got it in his head that he wanted to marry you and pump you full of his kids.
…maybe you two should have a talk on where this whole roommates-to-fuckbuddies thing is going.
note :: i have something big in the works i proooommmyyy i jus need 2 find the time 2 write ☹️☹️ soon u shall have ur fix my babies i promise
#choso#choso kamo jjk#choso kamo smut#choso drabbles#kamo choso#choso jjk#choso smut#choso x reader#choso x you#choso headcanons#choso jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk smut#jjk drabbles#jjk x reader smut#jjk drabble#jjk x reader#‼️.mdni.
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Love how I finally get a job I like and feel comfortable in and then I'm not scheduled for THREE DAMN WEEKS and my boss obviously is trying to get me to quit like God. Please.
Anyways dm for comms since I don't have an income currently
#its so fucking frustrating like i have good coworkers who respect me and my identify and suddenly my boss decides im no good at my job#i dont fucking understand i do what she wants i push my work ethic and always try and be open to work yet she casts me aside#i dunno man i dont wanna go to transphobia but i am the only trans worker who isnt medically transitioning and it is very southern texas#its so frustrating cause ive put so much into this job to where i have even paid my own money to support it like ahahaha what#i dont like our system yes but i still do it i still try and sell to people and people come to the store to see me AUUGGHA#and like im the bearded dragon guy none of my coworkers really know them and i have so many people who come for advice over them#now i just cant#same with tortises#i could scream#alien speak
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something about the emphasis of swimming and swimming in the ocean in lover boy ch1 is so fascinating to me because if i've learnt anything from this chapter it's that sf is actually a terrible place for swimming most of the time because the ocean is so much colder + summer months are not the warmest months + and so many beaches have deadly rip currents there was like. only one area/beach that came up in my reading as a place locals go to swim and a lot of the time they'll just drive down to other coastal cities. but it's getting to me because part of my diss explored analysis i read about how a lot of queer AIDS narratives involve swimming or being in water or the presence of water because it brings up ideas of cleanliness but also the boundaries of the body and the metaphors of that when a body is amongst water and the physicality of it reinforcing someones aliveness and agency over their sick body. anyway beau keeps thinking about swimming in the ocean + how he hasn't since bobby died and im like these points HAVE to come together at some point like i'm cooking but i don't know what. there is something bubbling on the stove
#like WANTING to swim in the ocean but you can't because of what your would confront about your body + aliveness and consequently#what you would have to confront about your dead best friend. but also you cant even get the catharsis from that if you wanted it#because of the nature of the ocean around you!! so do you actually get control + agency that swimming in the ocean will give you!#also swimming in the ocean (vast / unpredictable / alive) vs swimming in a pool (contained / chlorined / 'approachable')...my lit major ass#also i decided that bobby used to do lifeguard stuff part time and beau would just use it as an excuse to hang out at the beach all day#bobby gives me massive swimmer vibes which is funny cause he's bullied beau for being a 'jock' and being on a sports team in hs#like your ass was probably on the swim team!!! idk i havent decided yet!#literally me looking at tripadvisor forums and shit of sf locals having to break to future tourists that swimming is not really easy in SF#like it is in other parts of california#also it ties in with beau's experience of a local and a lot of the people he's encountering are queer folk who have#moved to sf specifically because of its queer community#despite it being seen as a 'epicentre' for AIDS#actually there's a line i loveee where beau's like 'san francisco and new york are only epicentres for those who want to gleefully measure#their distance from it all' and im like GO OFFFFF#i dont talk about that stuff as much because like I Am Not A Local. but the research is oceanically deep#SOOO Much going on here about placement and the body and your relationship with the space around you um!!!
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Don’t Take It Personal
Summary: you’re a little worried about how much time Vi is spending with her new friend
Part 2
Warnings: vi’s kind of a dumbass, ngl. Angst probably. R plays a sport for the plot (just vibe guys) loser!vi au
WC: 1.6k
Vi made a new friend.
That was a rare feat for her, seeing how out of the few people she considers a friend included you, her girlfriend, and Jinx, her sister.
She came home beaming after her usual workout at the gym. There was a new face she didn’t recognize and to Vi’s surprise, the friendly chat turned into a new friendship.
Her name was Caitlyn Kiramman. You knew her name, seeing the title “Kiramman” around a few buildings. Caitlyn was studying abroad for a few months, hence why Vi didn’t meet her until now. And yet, the new friendship was blossoming quickly. You didn’t mind, just happy that she managed to make more friends without you being present.
That was until Vi started hanging out with her more than you.
Srry, babe cant make it. At the gym wth Cait 💪🏻
11:23am
You frowned a bit at the recent text Vi sent you. You were at the library waiting for her for your weekly study date but when she was almost half an hour late you finally texted her. Only for your girlfriend to take a raincheck. Again.
Seeing how Vi wasn’t showing up, you still decided to stay for at least another hour; work still needed to be done with or without her. When you did decide to leave, you had to pass by the gym in order to go home. You figured Vi was still inside so you didn’t bother to linger until you heard a familiar voice.
”I’ll see you around, cupcake!”
Cupcake?
You turned to see Vi and Caitlyn leaving the large building. Vi immediately saw you and rushed over to you. Caitlyn gave you a polite wave before going her own way.
She was calling her ‘cupcake.’ You felt a little irritated at the—at your— nickname Vi called Caitlyn. Granted, ‘cupcake’ wasn’t one that was used very often, only when Vi was teasing or being purposely irritating to you. But still. It was your name.
Pushing the negative feelings aside you greeted Vi with a kiss. She smiled into it then pulled you into a tight hug, her arms almost crushing you.
”You stick, Vi,” you muttered into her neck.
A soft laugh escaped her. “You enjoy it. What are you doing here?”
”Going home. Then I saw you and…cupcake.”
”Don’t be like that,” Vi groaned, trying to play it off. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Never said you did.” You tried to change the subject, not wanting to make it a big deal. “Are you going to my game Friday or are you going to be too busy with Caitlyn. It’s the last one of the season, Vi.”
“Hey, have I ever missed a game before?” She asked rhetorically. ”But if it makes you feel better, I promise that I’ll be there.”
”Good.”
Vi then wrapped her arm around you, putting you in an almost headlock, and started walking in the direction of the same apartment. “Let’s go. I’m exhausted.”
While what Vi said did ease some of you worrying, it didn’t stay for long. For the rest of the week, Vi was still with Caitlyn. Even though you attended most of the same classes, and stayed in the same home, you only saw her in passing or for only an hour at night. And every word that came out of her mouth was about the other girl.
“I really think you’ll like Cait, she reminds me of you.”
“Caitlyn squatted 210 today! She’s catching up to me.”
”I’m sorry, baby. Cait and I made plans to see that movie. You can still come!” You hate to admit it but that comment made you pissed off more than anything.
Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn. You haven’t even properly met the girl yet it seemed like you knew everything about her.
When Friday finally came, you just hoped Vi would pay more attention to you rather than her friend. Unfortunately, you were proven wrong.
Hey, pretty, the game is starting soon. Are you still coming?
6:37pm
Yoooo Viiii??
7:01pm
Violet, dude, where are you??
7:15pm
Your leg tapped nervously against the ground, scanning the crowd for the familiar pink haired girl, but you came up dry. In the crowd you could see Jayce, Viktor and Mel who all gave you encouraging smiles. Even Jinx showed up, sitting next to Ekko. She gave you a small shrug at your questioning glance before turning back to your phone, possibly texting her sister.
The coach got your attention, urging you to join your teammates on the court. And with a heavy, disappointed sigh, you got up from the bench. You couldn’t focus on Vi anymore, but you still hoped that she would show up sometime during the game. She did promise after all.
But throughout the game, that familiar full head of pink hair was nowhere to be seen. There was an empty spot next to Jinx that was never filled. Trying to ignore the wide open space was almost impossible, but the game was won without Vi cheering for you. Sure, the ball did slip from your hands more times than you’d like to admit, but your team won.
Your friends that did decide to show up wanted to take you out for the rest of the night, a congratulatory dinner, but you weren’t feeling it. And while Jinx doesn’t like saying the word no, she surprisingly let you go home after you refused. You really just wanted to see if or when Vi would be home.
It was nearing nine at night and Vi still hadn’t called you and your recent text went unanswered. The TV was playing a show, mostly used as background noise as your thoughts took over you.
Almost thirty minutes later, you could hear some noise coming from the hallway.
The door to the apartment opened and you could hear Vi humming a song to herself when she locked up for the night. From your spot on the couch, you saw nothing wrong with her so you were glad to know she was safe. But now she had to dig herself out of the hole she dug.
Vi actually seemed surprised to see you but the smile she gave you was instant. “Oh, hey, babe. Why are you still up?”
”Waiting for you,” you shot back, moving to get closer to her. “It’s been hours Vi, we all have been calling and texting you—“
Vi showed you her phone, a black screen staring back at you. “It died a while ago. What’s with the third degree?”
”Do you remember what day it is?”
”Um…the tenth?”
”Um, maybe it’s the day of my game that you’d promise to come to,” you mocked. Yeah, you were being petty but you thought she deserved it.
Vi muttered a small curse to herself and she looked genuinely apologetic. “Y/N, I’m so sorry. I swear, I was going to come but then my phone died, and-and I was with Caitlyn and—“
A heavy sigh escaped you at the name. “Caitlyn, right yeah. That makes sense.”
A look came on Vi’s face, one you knew too well when she was about to become argumentative. “What are you talking about?”
”You’ve been spending a lot of time with her, Vi,” you pointed out. “I’ve noticed it— we all have. You’re always with her.”
”We’re friends!”
”You’re friends with Jayce but when’s the last time you’ve hung out with him since meeting Caitlyn? Is she too rich for chargers so you couldn’t check your phone for five minutes?”
Vi scoffed at you. “What, you want me to stop hanging out with Caitlyn just because you’re jealous?”
”I have nothing to be jealous of, Violet!” You yelled. “Cait’s a friend, I get that. But you have been blowing me off time and time again for her. And the one time I actually needed you, you were with her instead. How the hell do you expect me to feel?”
A short pause came from Violet. And what she said next, set your skin aflame.
”I just think you’re overreacting. It’s a fucking game, I’ll just watch the next one.”
“Okay, you know what,” you paused, running your hands over your face; it didn’t do much to calm your heated nerves. “I’m not doing this with you, right now, Vi.”
Vi’s tense posture immediately changed at the tone of your voice; it was shaky, as if you were holding back tears. You almost never cried, at least in front of her, so the new sight was worrisome. She heard you breath in harshly before continuing.
“I’m way too upset at you right now to even finish this conversation,” you said quietly to her. “I’m tired…and honestly just want some space from you.”
Vi swore her heart stopped at those words. Space? “You…Y/N, you can’t be serious.” Space was the main thing Vi hated. It meant you leaving her.
”I am, actually.” Your back was turned from her at that point so you couldn’t see her face fall in disbelief at the sight of you getting ready to leave the apartment.
She knew you made up your mind and were done hearing her but Vi still had to try. “Babe, don’t go. You’re right, is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry, alright?”
”Glad you came to your senses,” you muttered, albeit bitterly.
Vi was desperate at this point. “You don’t have to leave! I can sleep out here!”
”When I said ‘space’, Vi, I meant completely,” you said. Your voice was starting to get tense, a tell that you were getting annoyed. “My parents live a few minutes away, remember? I'll be fine.”
”Y/N please, just—“
“Vi! I’ll…talk to you eventually,” was the last thing you said before the door closed behind you.
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