#can’t delete it from my brain
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The new episode:
Me for no reason at all:
(Based on @tulipsempai HC where Yellow has got a pet rock)
#alan becker#avm yellow#daily silliness#I know#It’s stupid#but that’s the first thing I saw#can���t delete it from my brain#oh well
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I can’t explain why, but this is my favorite hilson edit ever and I can/will watch it on loop for an uncountable amount of times
#hilson#house md#gregory house#james wilson#im very bummed about my laptop dying on me and possibly having to replace the motherboard#or put money aside to buy a new one in…who knows how long 🙃#so i was looking through my tiktok playlists since i can’t do my usual late night genealogy#and i saw my house folder and got hit with a burst of nostalgia#i had already saved this edit to my phone bc i loved it so much and would be devastated if it was deleted#idk maybe it’s the lake scene in the middle that pushes the brain buttons just right#but the whole vibe i get from it is immaculate and i wanted to share in an attempt to cheer myself up lol#maybe i’ll make a mega post of my fave fics too bc why not#it’s not like i can do my genealogy work 😞#hasan't#personal#video#not my video#tiktok#not my tiktok
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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There’s a kid who recently started working at the charity store I work at and we’re usually working at the same time
And he’s a sweet kid but.
He stims all the time and in such a way that it triggers my misophonia and I feel SICK and there’s ✨sweet fuck all✨ I can do about it
#it’s the noise he’s making and the frequency of it that’s just enough that it flips the switch in my head that causes my misophonia to go#absolutely fucking haywire#I can’t ask him to stop because he doesn’t realise he’s doing it and I’m pulling my hair out#when ‘tismns collide I guess#we did have some fun conversations about sonic though#he’s very convinced that the mario vs sonic game was real#i thought he meant mario & sonic at the olympic games#but apparently he just meant the thing where?? I think sonic ends up using a fire flower#and they use the sprites from another official game so it looks rlly good#he was talking about that but the name escapes me lol#anyway I’m hiding in the bathroom listening to bugsnax ost to calm down for a bit#the last thing I want is to be snappy with the kid it’s not his fault#his noises vs my brain that fucking hates noise#i go feral when I hear a ticking clock or hear people chewing#if that’s any indication of how sensitive my misophonia is#if you breathe too loud I will kill you <3333#i’ll delete this later I just needed to talk into the void for a minute
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I actually don’t get why my illustration professors disallow digital art it bothers me so much. I just don’t understand the reason. It’s not like we’re all using the same media. It’s not like we’re supposed to step outside of our comfort zones. It’s not even like we can’t print our digital pieces so they’re in a physical format, if that’s what the professor wants! The class is all “Express yourself through your art! We want to see what makes your approach unique! You can use whatever you think will do the job so you can focus on the communication aspects! Oh btw yeah we’re grading for technical ability so don’t mess up too badly!” but if you’re a primarily digital artist you’re just… not allowed to use your primary medium?
Like don’t get me wrong, my painting skills are absolutely not as good as those of most traditional painters. But this isn’t a painting class, so why does it matter?! Besides, the reason digital is my primary medium is because doctors won’t take me seriously and digital is much easier on my untreated hand injury. By forcing me to use media that I’ve neglected because they’re bad for me, I am going to hurt myself AND the professor will not get an accurate gauge of my abilities. I just don’t understand how this helps my learning at all!
#man I was really hoping my new illustration prof would not be like this#because this is the main reason I switched away from my previous professor#at least this new one is not yet another middle aged white woman but their teaching style is very similar to hers#and I don’t trust that they’re not gonna be traditionalist and ableist as well#I just wish they’d explain why they’re placing the restrictions that they are#and I am too ashamed of myself to keep asking for an explanation over and over again#I guess. I just feel like the only explanation my brain can comprehend is that digital art is somehow “lesser” than traditional#and because that’s the only way I can rationalize this I’m just like. but what if it is?#makes me feel like all the skills I’ve built up over these past 5 years since my injury are worthless cuz I can’t transfer them to painting#delete later maybe#ramblings#vent#personal
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Forgot to show u guys my little pet project lol. Btw whoever decided meshes should move like *that* (real riggers know what this means) is going to hell
#delete later#undescribed#idk what I’d use this for I don’t have anything to stream nor good audio equipment nor a quiet place in my house#I don’t even like how my voice sounds I can’t use this guy for anythingggg#nice way to keep the stuff from old animation classes in my brain though
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Why would I continue being me
When better people are all I see?
There's nothing changed - doesn't matter if I'm here
This time I might just disappear
-Good Enough by atsuover
#ghost vents to the void#ow. these lyrics hit. way too deep#i love writing and things that i enjoy. I love talking with people and interacting#i just can’t stop trying to be the best. but i know i’m never going to be good enough for that#fuck. i can’t handle a single critque without deleting and scrapping and redoing everything#that’s lowkey why i’m technically on hiatus from writing. and everything#WHY CAN’T I JUST BE PRODUCTIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.#i love everyone. i love everything they do.#except me.#i don’t know why anyone likes me. or doesn’t hate me. i don’t know what led to such a warped version of viewing#everything i do#i hate that in the back of my mind every post i do is to impress people. literally anyone#and i think what happened to little me led to me seeking out people older than me for approval. which sounds horrible.#and then i think they are just pitying me#man. i fucking hate the mental gymnastics my brain does to justify hating myself
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me when someone tells me they care about and love me and want good things for me and think I’m a great person:
#I have to yell about it on here bc I don’t wanna tell anyone from real life so if you know me no you don’t but omg#what in the shojo manga ass…..#guys I have had a huge crush that I assumed was unrequited as usual on this person I worked with for a very long time who is like my bestie#and then they confessed to ME out of nowhere like a god damn anime episode like wtf literally. huh? my flabbers were gasted#what how why when who how#but it’s like. not something that can be done anything about right now with where we both are in life and it’s like#dead ass both being like yeah I imagine in another parallel universe where shit works out we have a pretty nice life together and are happy#WHAT#personal#crazy#djfjgklhlh#delete later#had to put this out of my brain bc I’m going crazy lol#like what#I’m such a weird and consider myself unlovable person in a lot of ways so it’s like#idk I always have big feelings for important people in my life who for whatever reason I either can’t be with or they don’t like me back and#now I’m like WAIT YOU DID LIKE ME BACK THE ENTIRE TIME ????#and you’re TELLING ME? and you’re SERIOUS? and not LYING?#HUH#damn#anyway#shut up Marina#lol#YELLING
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I feel like I’m at a point where OCD has taken over my life so so badly but I can’t get the help I probably need because of my current living situation, and the only thing I wanna do these days is engage with things I enjoy to at least help me get through it until I am able to, but even with that the moral aspect of my OCD keeps telling me I’m a terrible person if I engage with fun stuff for TOO long
#but then I get burnout which makes it harder to pull away from the fun stuff once I start#and gives me no energy to work on important stuff#and then I’m unable to fully enjoy whatever it is I’m doing because the longer the clock ticks by the more my brain continues to scream#at me that I’m shitty and lazy etc etc etc#but then my anxiety doesn’t wanna start important stuff because it’s scared we’re going to have a compulsive spiral#until I literally can’t keep my eyes open anymore#and then my depression is over there. Being Depression#literally one of the worse mental illness combos to have I fuckin swear#does any of this make sense I’m just tired and word vomittibg#vent#rant#shut up wren#probably delete later#ocd#actually ocd#moral ocd
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when it comes to workers n creatives rights, specifically those in the industry I always feel so like conflicted abt shit like. pay ur workers or die, but why didn’t they cancel the flash…
ezra millers various crimes aside, they were workin on that shit since I was in high school and apparently it was booty ass?? worse than booty ass?? and the whole movie got leaked too.. Like when u have a situation like that what do you do
#I’m also pissed abt spider-verse because while yes it’s cool#while it was good that they took feedback from pavs actor how they fuck do u get to animating without consulting someone#and have to animate his entire part all over again because they couldn’t afford to idk ask?? hire a sensitivity reader??#I love atsv and im admittedly bummed that’s it’s gonna take so long to wrap up but like#100 animators quit!! What the Fuck#i this kris anka worked on Miguel’s design for either a month or a year but I can’t remember what#the two separate models for hobie#and thank god atsv is doing so well but what if it didn’t#the spent so much time on the flash alledgedly and my brain is like#why didn’t they just cancel it but I know why they couldn’t#but what about Leslie graces batgirl??#so many shows are getting canceled a week after they wrap and just getting deleted#or god with webcomics that become Webtoon originals? They can just cancel ur comic and keep it??#also what the Fuck is going to be done about ezra miller
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#I don’t understand how I go from having a decent day to being in a shitty mood#I’m in a mood about everything#I hate my fucking job but I’m still basing all these decisions around it like it’s the end all#I’m sick of myself#I got out of my writing funk but I fucking hate everything I’ve put on paper#can’t seem to clean up my tiny living space to make it feel better#I was talking to a friend after the movie we saw and got struck with that almighty of realizations that I’m the least accomplished#at least in this friend group#they have things they consider careers or at least not fucking Starbucks#they don’t have to work bullshit jobs anymore because they have degrees!#and job experience!#and I can’t even get myself to look at a college website#because my fucking brain doesn’t work right anymore#and I have no energy for any actual productive thoughts just stupid fucking fanfiction#Jesus fucking christ I’m sick of it all#I’m tired#I want to delete this fucking blog#it makes me feel fucking stupid
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#something happened irl that made me Not Have a Good Time rn#basically i didn’t get some stuff i need for school so now i have a short window in the morning on Monday so that’ll be stressful#i’ve had so much time but i procrastinated and lost track of time & i just feel like shit about it#& like it’s not the end of the world like worst comes to worst I’ll be a bit late for my first class which i’m sure plenty of students will#but i was already upset and my mom basically said ‘well you do this kinda thing all the time so i can’t say i’m disappointed’#i’ve really tried to be better though i just feel like my hardest is everyone else’s easy mode#and i know this is dark but i just feel like…i’m not worth the resources used to maintain myself you know?#like food and electricity and water and materials and my overwhelming tuition for college amongst everything#and what do i even give back in return? cross stitching? some mid fanfic smut that 13 year olds read on wattpad?#it’d be so much better if my resources could be used for like an aspiring doctor or someone who makes something worthwhile#i don’t feel this way about anyone else btw just me. obviously#i just don’t know where to go from here i’m sick of my brain#tw vent#to delete later
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blinds are broken. room’s a cave. furniture’s on the bed. i was already feeling overwhelmed so this is fine.
#guy might come by this evening or tomorrow to drill a new hole in the plastic for the rope thing#which is a kind of solution#randomness#came home early from gym because i was anxious and crying and couldn’t stop thinking about the external harddrive data#and how i should delete orgabize and burn to cd#but i am still Terrified of all that#to say nothibg of the sheet anoubt of time it’d take#plus like is a cd safer? we just don’t know#should i cd studf i don’t care about? or the opposite?#so there’s that in my brain#meanwhile there’s a hole in my wall and i can’t open my window#i mean i can but it’s a wall of plastic now#so y’know shitty insulation just got worse#and my overhead light is good for nothing so that’s great#anyway i’m doing Swell
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Oh boy, urge to restrict sure is big today 🥲
#i can’t even tell where the impulse is coming from#nothing really changed#but apparently it’s a feeling of accomplishment for my brain when I manage to beat my own appetite#no need to worry though I am not where I have once been#and I can manage one or two days of eating a bit less as long as I get back to my routines soon#my days of eating under my maintenance are over anyway because I have a protein goal that i couldn’t reach without eating enough#i just shouldn’t eat less over a longer period of time to uphold my cycle and hormone levels#ugh seriously brain wtf#delete later
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‘i feel like ruining things because i like you too much’ is such a normal thing to think lol
#and it’s sister: ‘i feel like ruining things bc you’re a better person than me’#like i’m ’saving’ ppl from me?#fucked up way to think and i’m trying not to think like that anymore but sometimes i still do#i’m making up excuses in my head for why this can’t be something#like in whatever way that may be#i felt like this a few months ago but like the difference is the pros outweigh the cons#as in i’d rather be with them than not#bc before i just felt bad about it all#and now sometimes i feel bad but like i’m always gonna feel bad about something#my brain will just always be like that#but unlike a few months ago it feels different to ignore it?#bc the problem doesn’t feel real bc it isn’t real#like i’m just avoiding the problem as if it will go away#like it is actually all in my head as opposed to me just thinking it#and i don’t have to ruin things and nothing has to change#and maybe the universe is trying to tell me something by placing a similar situation in my life again#but also maybe it’s not#and i don’t know what’s gonna happen but i actually feel excited to find out#rather than full of dread at the thought of it all#like obviously i’m still anxious sometimes#but it’s not completely all consuming#and the voice doesn’t feel quite so loud#was gonna delete later but#maybe i’ll come back to this post in the future#and things will probably have changed all over again#and that’s okay and i’ll just have to accept that no matter what happens#here’s to the future i guess!
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#Well I figured out where the bursts of anxiety that would come out of no where from the last two days are from#✨ overstimulation ✨#So that’s fun#[insert floortime emoji here]#Because now my brain is in a state and I cannot focus#Things are piling up and becoming too much and making me anxious#The music from the end credits of my movie is too much#The texture of the crochet blanket is too much#The two rings and necklace I’m wearing is too much#Heck even the temperature of the house is too much right now#Ugh it’s piling up and making me want to cry and hide under blankets which would be way too hot in this weather#And I just can’t focus on one thing to drown the other things out#Because my brain wont let me#rant#vent post#personal vent#anxitey#overstimulation#I need more floortime#To delete#probably
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