#can’t delete it from my brain
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The new episode:
Me for no reason at all:
(Based on @tulipsempai HC where Yellow has got a pet rock)
#alan becker#avm yellow#daily silliness#I know#It’s stupid#but that’s the first thing I saw#can’t delete it from my brain#oh well
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I can’t explain why, but this is my favorite hilson edit ever and I can/will watch it on loop for an uncountable amount of times
#hilson#house md#gregory house#james wilson#im very bummed about my laptop dying on me and possibly having to replace the motherboard#or put money aside to buy a new one in…who knows how long 🙃#so i was looking through my tiktok playlists since i can’t do my usual late night genealogy#and i saw my house folder and got hit with a burst of nostalgia#i had already saved this edit to my phone bc i loved it so much and would be devastated if it was deleted#idk maybe it’s the lake scene in the middle that pushes the brain buttons just right#but the whole vibe i get from it is immaculate and i wanted to share in an attempt to cheer myself up lol#maybe i’ll make a mega post of my fave fics too bc why not#it’s not like i can do my genealogy work 😞#hasan't#personal#video#not my video#tiktok#not my tiktok
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There’s a kid who recently started working at the charity store I work at and we’re usually working at the same time
And he’s a sweet kid but.
He stims all the time and in such a way that it triggers my misophonia and I feel SICK and there’s ✨sweet fuck all✨ I can do about it
#it’s the noise he’s making and the frequency of it that’s just enough that it flips the switch in my head that causes my misophonia to go#absolutely fucking haywire#I can’t ask him to stop because he doesn’t realise he’s doing it and I’m pulling my hair out#when ‘tismns collide I guess#we did have some fun conversations about sonic though#he’s very convinced that the mario vs sonic game was real#i thought he meant mario & sonic at the olympic games#but apparently he just meant the thing where?? I think sonic ends up using a fire flower#and they use the sprites from another official game so it looks rlly good#he was talking about that but the name escapes me lol#anyway I’m hiding in the bathroom listening to bugsnax ost to calm down for a bit#the last thing I want is to be snappy with the kid it’s not his fault#his noises vs my brain that fucking hates noise#i go feral when I hear a ticking clock or hear people chewing#if that’s any indication of how sensitive my misophonia is#if you breathe too loud I will kill you <3333#i’ll delete this later I just needed to talk into the void for a minute
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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Why would I continue being me
When better people are all I see?
There's nothing changed - doesn't matter if I'm here
This time I might just disappear
-Good Enough by atsuover
#ghost vents to the void#ow. these lyrics hit. way too deep#i love writing and things that i enjoy. I love talking with people and interacting#i just can’t stop trying to be the best. but i know i’m never going to be good enough for that#fuck. i can’t handle a single critque without deleting and scrapping and redoing everything#that’s lowkey why i’m technically on hiatus from writing. and everything#WHY CAN’T I JUST BE PRODUCTIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.#i love everyone. i love everything they do.#except me.#i don’t know why anyone likes me. or doesn’t hate me. i don’t know what led to such a warped version of viewing#everything i do#i hate that in the back of my mind every post i do is to impress people. literally anyone#and i think what happened to little me led to me seeking out people older than me for approval. which sounds horrible.#and then i think they are just pitying me#man. i fucking hate the mental gymnastics my brain does to justify hating myself
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me when someone tells me they care about and love me and want good things for me and think I’m a great person:
#I have to yell about it on here bc I don’t wanna tell anyone from real life so if you know me no you don’t but omg#what in the shojo manga ass…..#guys I have had a huge crush that I assumed was unrequited as usual on this person I worked with for a very long time who is like my bestie#and then they confessed to ME out of nowhere like a god damn anime episode like wtf literally. huh? my flabbers were gasted#what how why when who how#but it’s like. not something that can be done anything about right now with where we both are in life and it’s like#dead ass both being like yeah I imagine in another parallel universe where shit works out we have a pretty nice life together and are happy#WHAT#personal#crazy#djfjgklhlh#delete later#had to put this out of my brain bc I’m going crazy lol#like what#I’m such a weird and consider myself unlovable person in a lot of ways so it’s like#idk I always have big feelings for important people in my life who for whatever reason I either can’t be with or they don’t like me back and#now I’m like WAIT YOU DID LIKE ME BACK THE ENTIRE TIME ????#and you’re TELLING ME? and you’re SERIOUS? and not LYING?#HUH#damn#anyway#shut up Marina#lol#YELLING
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I feel like I’m at a point where OCD has taken over my life so so badly but I can’t get the help I probably need because of my current living situation, and the only thing I wanna do these days is engage with things I enjoy to at least help me get through it until I am able to, but even with that the moral aspect of my OCD keeps telling me I’m a terrible person if I engage with fun stuff for TOO long
#but then I get burnout which makes it harder to pull away from the fun stuff once I start#and gives me no energy to work on important stuff#and then I’m unable to fully enjoy whatever it is I’m doing because the longer the clock ticks by the more my brain continues to scream#at me that I’m shitty and lazy etc etc etc#but then my anxiety doesn’t wanna start important stuff because it’s scared we’re going to have a compulsive spiral#until I literally can’t keep my eyes open anymore#and then my depression is over there. Being Depression#literally one of the worse mental illness combos to have I fuckin swear#does any of this make sense I’m just tired and word vomittibg#vent#rant#shut up wren#probably delete later#ocd#actually ocd#moral ocd
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when it comes to workers n creatives rights, specifically those in the industry I always feel so like conflicted abt shit like. pay ur workers or die, but why didn’t they cancel the flash…
ezra millers various crimes aside, they were workin on that shit since I was in high school and apparently it was booty ass?? worse than booty ass?? and the whole movie got leaked too.. Like when u have a situation like that what do you do
#I’m also pissed abt spider-verse because while yes it’s cool#while it was good that they took feedback from pavs actor how they fuck do u get to animating without consulting someone#and have to animate his entire part all over again because they couldn’t afford to idk ask?? hire a sensitivity reader??#I love atsv and im admittedly bummed that’s it’s gonna take so long to wrap up but like#100 animators quit!! What the Fuck#i this kris anka worked on Miguel’s design for either a month or a year but I can’t remember what#the two separate models for hobie#and thank god atsv is doing so well but what if it didn’t#the spent so much time on the flash alledgedly and my brain is like#why didn’t they just cancel it but I know why they couldn’t#but what about Leslie graces batgirl??#so many shows are getting canceled a week after they wrap and just getting deleted#or god with webcomics that become Webtoon originals? They can just cancel ur comic and keep it??#also what the Fuck is going to be done about ezra miller
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One of the older women I sometimes sit with at the synagogue this morning apparently has ten relatives who are apparently missing. The rabbi said she thinks they might be hostages. Her mother died a month ago. The other woman I sit with always stands for the mourners Kaddish, and when I saw them last they were holding hands
#personal#i just. I don’t know how to hold the suffering of this community. In my brain. I want to convert. I feel safe and happy when I’m with them#But god if I don’t feel so young and useless talking with them these days.#I can’t even give them the understanding bc I’m a gentile. I don’t know the issues like they do. I can’t even say the prayers right#They like to tease me for mumbling my way through the hebrew prayers. It’s my Midwestern accent to them#delete later#dont rb. I just. Man.#I couldn’t stay for Torah service today. I was rattled by the prayer and I needed to do stuff today.#It feels so childish to wish for peace and it feels so hypocritical to want a world without violence when I’m such an angry person myself#But how am I supposed to feel when a woman who sent me home with a plate of brownies the night I met her bows her head in prayer for the sa#Safety of relatives in a war zone mere weeks after she finishes the mourning prayer for her mother who escaped the holocaust#I am twenty two and not even very good at it.#And every week I sit with a bunch of old women who have more scars than I’ll ever count.#I don’t know. I’m rambling because the fact that having ten relatives missing is just. Unfathomable to me.#When Ukraine got invaded we at least were able to account for my friends family with relatively less trouble. Not that it was better. I sti#Can’t read about Ukraine for more than three minutes#But I could keep the scale in check to stop the worst spirals#I want to be a pacifist. I want to make the world better. But I’m barely keeping myself from drowning just as it is.
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my dad might have fucking covid. about to jump off a bridge
#purrs#he was unmasked in my future room with the contractors yesterday and one of them woke up sick this morning and stayed in bed all day and now#my dad is feeling sick and my mom isn’t even better yet and i just saw so many people (WHO ARE VULNERABLE / HAVE VULNERABLE FAMILY MEMBERS)#in the last couple of days and now i might have exposed them. i am about to LOSE my shit. i need all respiratory diseases to die immediately#i am TIRED of living in constant fear. and i am FURIOUS at my dad for not wearing a mask.#like do you people NOT FUCKING GET IT. You may be cavalier. you may say you don’t care if you get it you can fight it off. BUT YOU INTERACT#WITH OTHER PEOPLE. who may not WANT to get sick. Who may not be able to DURVIVE getting sick. WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. if you see#someone wearing a mask they are doing that FOR A REASON!!!! TO PROTECT THEMSELVES!!!!! TO PROTECT THEIR LOVED ONES!!!!! so fucking WEAR ONE#OUT OF COURTESY! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN! i don’t care if they’re hard to breathe in. I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable. I don’t care if#it’s your own house and you’re not used to it. SUCK IT UP. you can be uncomfortable for five minutes. you KNOW how anxious we all are about#getting covid and you DIRECTLY endanger us and now i might have put other people in danger. and i didn’t even choose it I didn’t do anything#wrong. FUCK COVID. fuck this collective punishment nightmare. I am SO TIRED of living in constant fear because OTHER PEOPLE want to pretend#it’s over. it fucking ISNT. there are things I care about. there are people I care about. and if you were a decent fucking human being you#would understand that and MASK UP. not everyone gets to be so glib about it. it’s hard enough being seen as fucking insane and still taking#damage from having basicaly 0 social life because im too afraid to go anywhere or do anything it’s harder when people around me who i can’t#help but interact with exhibit that they do not actually care about how it is improtant to me that i do not get sick or get my loved ones#sick ESPECIALLY when it is my loved one himself who KNOWS how scared shitless we all are. it fucking hurts so bad. fuck covid. FUCK covid.#delete later#like. despair. i can wear my n95 mask all i want but i am still fucking HELPLESS when people around me don’t. despair. DESPAIR.
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#I don’t understand how I go from having a decent day to being in a shitty mood#I’m in a mood about everything#I hate my fucking job but I’m still basing all these decisions around it like it’s the end all#I’m sick of myself#I got out of my writing funk but I fucking hate everything I’ve put on paper#can’t seem to clean up my tiny living space to make it feel better#I was talking to a friend after the movie we saw and got struck with that almighty of realizations that I’m the least accomplished#at least in this friend group#they have things they consider careers or at least not fucking Starbucks#they don’t have to work bullshit jobs anymore because they have degrees!#and job experience!#and I can’t even get myself to look at a college website#because my fucking brain doesn’t work right anymore#and I have no energy for any actual productive thoughts just stupid fucking fanfiction#Jesus fucking christ I’m sick of it all#I’m tired#I want to delete this fucking blog#it makes me feel fucking stupid
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#something happened irl that made me Not Have a Good Time rn#basically i didn’t get some stuff i need for school so now i have a short window in the morning on Monday so that’ll be stressful#i’ve had so much time but i procrastinated and lost track of time & i just feel like shit about it#& like it’s not the end of the world like worst comes to worst I’ll be a bit late for my first class which i’m sure plenty of students will#but i was already upset and my mom basically said ‘well you do this kinda thing all the time so i can’t say i’m disappointed’#i’ve really tried to be better though i just feel like my hardest is everyone else’s easy mode#and i know this is dark but i just feel like…i’m not worth the resources used to maintain myself you know?#like food and electricity and water and materials and my overwhelming tuition for college amongst everything#and what do i even give back in return? cross stitching? some mid fanfic smut that 13 year olds read on wattpad?#it’d be so much better if my resources could be used for like an aspiring doctor or someone who makes something worthwhile#i don’t feel this way about anyone else btw just me. obviously#i just don’t know where to go from here i’m sick of my brain#tw vent#to delete later
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blinds are broken. room’s a cave. furniture’s on the bed. i was already feeling overwhelmed so this is fine.
#guy might come by this evening or tomorrow to drill a new hole in the plastic for the rope thing#which is a kind of solution#randomness#came home early from gym because i was anxious and crying and couldn’t stop thinking about the external harddrive data#and how i should delete orgabize and burn to cd#but i am still Terrified of all that#to say nothibg of the sheet anoubt of time it’d take#plus like is a cd safer? we just don’t know#should i cd studf i don’t care about? or the opposite?#so there’s that in my brain#meanwhile there’s a hole in my wall and i can’t open my window#i mean i can but it’s a wall of plastic now#so y’know shitty insulation just got worse#and my overhead light is good for nothing so that’s great#anyway i’m doing Swell
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Oh boy, urge to restrict sure is big today 🥲
#i can’t even tell where the impulse is coming from#nothing really changed#but apparently it’s a feeling of accomplishment for my brain when I manage to beat my own appetite#no need to worry though I am not where I have once been#and I can manage one or two days of eating a bit less as long as I get back to my routines soon#my days of eating under my maintenance are over anyway because I have a protein goal that i couldn’t reach without eating enough#i just shouldn’t eat less over a longer period of time to uphold my cycle and hormone levels#ugh seriously brain wtf#delete later
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‘i feel like ruining things because i like you too much’ is such a normal thing to think lol
#and it’s sister: ‘i feel like ruining things bc you’re a better person than me’#like i’m ’saving’ ppl from me?#fucked up way to think and i’m trying not to think like that anymore but sometimes i still do#i’m making up excuses in my head for why this can’t be something#like in whatever way that may be#i felt like this a few months ago but like the difference is the pros outweigh the cons#as in i’d rather be with them than not#bc before i just felt bad about it all#and now sometimes i feel bad but like i’m always gonna feel bad about something#my brain will just always be like that#but unlike a few months ago it feels different to ignore it?#bc the problem doesn’t feel real bc it isn’t real#like i’m just avoiding the problem as if it will go away#like it is actually all in my head as opposed to me just thinking it#and i don’t have to ruin things and nothing has to change#and maybe the universe is trying to tell me something by placing a similar situation in my life again#but also maybe it’s not#and i don’t know what’s gonna happen but i actually feel excited to find out#rather than full of dread at the thought of it all#like obviously i’m still anxious sometimes#but it’s not completely all consuming#and the voice doesn’t feel quite so loud#was gonna delete later but#maybe i’ll come back to this post in the future#and things will probably have changed all over again#and that’s okay and i’ll just have to accept that no matter what happens#here’s to the future i guess!
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thanking and cursing the universe for my accidental acting abilities
#random#personal#will prob delete this later#Not posting on main cuz i feel kinda bad for throwing random things around when people came for content#we are not having a very good fay today-which is kind of stupid because we’ve only been up for a few hours but#struggling a bit with that fun emotional authenticity again#hate the fact that I can’t actually tell how genuine my emotions and reactions are#or is that just my brain coming up with an excuse for my flip floppy behavior#like god just pick a personality are you even a real person if you keep jumping between them#like how much of any of me is me actually struggling or am I just acting for sympathy or attention or escape from responsibility#i hate this so much#this is really dumb sorry#vent#delete later
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