#can barely shower can't make food for myself

[boy-above]

genuinely it is amazing that i am able to even get out of bed because these past two months have been some of the worst i've had in like a decade. genuinely in a perpetual state of "why is this happening to me" and "how are things going to get better after this" and "how will i ever have a future" like shit just keeps happening one thing after another i can't rid of it

[anarkhebringer]

I never knew how big a thing it was back when I was on meds to go "this shit isn't working, I made a list to see what's not chang-I MADE A LIST", I will never take it for granted again dokjihufyh

[foldingfittedsheets]

Before my beloved and I moved in together they were living with roommates in a place that didn't have a bathtub. Now, a reasonable person might conclude from this that baths would be out of the equation in a home with only one standing shower and no tub.

But these people weren't quitters. Naturopathic doctors and acupuncturists they were dedicated to treating their bodies well and one of the ways they liked to do that was hydrotherapy. Most people are familiar with this through things like polar bear plunges. You sit in a hot tub then jump in freezing water.

It's supposedly good for you and they were way into it. But again, no tub. They'd do hydro showers but it just wasn't the same. These people were not quitters, though. (One of them is the boob soap person, so it really isn't a surprise that she goes hard on everything). So they got what looked like two big metal old timey tubs but which were actually animal food troughs and set them up in the garage. They set up a water heater and god knows how they emptied the tub after, I think there was hoses involved? A pump maybe? I honestly can't remember. Anyway! Voila, hydrotherapy on demand.

I was not aware of this. So when I came over after a long day and my beloved said we should take a bath I was extremely puzzled. I only knew about the one shower. They showed me the garage tubs. I did want a bath and I wasn't really sure about the setup, but honestly I'll try anything once if only for the story, so I agreed.

Fun fact about me though. I haaaate being cold. I've been 0% body fat most of my life with skin barely keeping my bones enclosed. I'm always cold. My favorite activity at the time was sitting directly in front of space heaters. My shower temperatures turn me lobster red and make my beloved cringe. Willingly dunking myself into cold water is the antipathy of my entire deal.

On the night in question I happily submerged into the warm tank, pleasantly surprised by the big silly improvised tub. Which again was meant for livestock. My knees bumped companionably against my beloved as we soaked in the hot water. After a while they rose to go into the cold water. "You don't have to," they told me.

But I was haunted. I wouldn't be doing hydro if I just stayed in the warm tub. Maybe hydro was amazing. It has all these health benefits. I desperately didn't want to but I stood up with them. We were having this nice intimate evening in the garage, just us, I felt safe. I was gonna do it.

They stepped easily into the cold tub, dunking matter of factly into the frigid water. I went to step. I did. I really really tried. My foot went in and I started shrieking, my progress arrested by the total state of shock I entered when my warm toasty foot hit that smug arctic water tension. My beloved started laughing as my pitch ascended the deeper my foot went into the cold water.

I started loudly narrating my discomfort as my foot touched the bottom and I willed my other foot up to join it. "THIS IS VERY COLD," I yelled, "IT'S SO COLD I THINK I MIGHT DIE HOW ARE YOU JUST CASUALLY SITTING IN THIS FREEZING COLD WATER?! I'M DYING- I THINK I'M DYING! I'M DYING BUT WE'RE HERE, TOGETHER! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THESE EVEN THOUGH IT'S SO COLD ALL MY MOLECULES HAVE COMPRESSED INTO A SOLID STATE!"

I ended up with both feet planted in the cold tub, water up to my shins, bellowing and panting while my beloved laughed so hard they couldn't breathe. I hunkered over the cold water, squatting like a frozen gargoyle.

My beloved was trying to psyche me up while I willed my body to obey me. In a sudden jerky drop like a puppet whose strings have been cut I plummeted my body into the cold and let out a shriek that I’m sure could have shattered glass and then leapt up out of the water at a speed relative to a rocket achieving space flight. I didn’t like it.

When we got back inside my beloved's roommates were collapsed on the ground with tears in the their eyes from how hard they'd been laughing. They and probably every neighbor down the block had heard my pterodactyl screeching and narration because the garage was not remotely soundproof.

[rafeandonlyrafe]

never truly gone

words: 2k

alternative universe where rafe was the one to fake his death instead of ward

warnings: funeral, discussions of death and grief, established relationship, murder confession (canon murder), implications of smut (no actual sex)

you are barely tuned in to the words being spoken at the funeral, lost in the haze of grief. dressed in the same outfit you wore for your one year anniversary with rafe. it was his favorite. was. the word hits you like a ton of bricks.

it didn't feel real for the longest time, part of it still doesn't, the feeling in your gut that your boyfriend isn't truly gone, but as you pick your head up and look around, you realize you have to get over the stage of denial.

“are you okay?” your mom whispers, reaching over to squeeze your hand. you rip it immediately out of her grip. of course you're not okay. who could be after their first love, their high school sweetheart, blew up?

“now is the time that we invite anyone who would like to say a few words up to the mic.” the pastor says, looking out into the crowd, members of rafes family having already spoken.

ward turns around to look at you. he invited you to sit in the front row when you first arrived, but you didn't want that kind of attention, your every reaction being scrutinized, if you’re crying too much, or not reacting enough.

“would you like to speak y/n?” 

you look at the crumpled, tear stained piece of paper with some words scribbled on it.

“i-i don't know if i can.” you admit. ward seemed so strong when he spoke, the same pillar of community he seems to be when speaking at town halls or midsummers.

“whatever you say, im sure rafe would appreciate it.”

you nod, take a deep breath, then stand. your mind seems to blur as you walk to the front, the pastor greeting you with a soft hug then leading you to the podium.

you clear your throat before looking down at the paper. 

“i never imagined a life without you. you were the first man i ever loved and i can't… i can't see myself ever having that same love again. we changed each other so much. we went from kids to young adults planning out their life together. i love you so much, rafe. i always will no matter how much time passes.” you vow.

your next words turn robotic, talking about the family he left behind, his accomplishments, things that don't actually matter to you but you know should be said. you recount the five years you were together, knowing someone is no doubt scoffing at how little it is, but it was your whole world.

you manage to hold in your sobs until you sit back down. you spend the rest of the funeral with your head down, unable to look at the pictures hung around the church.

-- 2 months later --

you let out a groan as you turn over in bed, not wanting to wake up, wanting to spend another day rotting under the covers.

“it's almost noon.” your mom says, peaking in to the door.

“yeah.” you say, sniffling as you see the photo on your nightstand when you go to look at your alarm clock. you can't bring yourself to move it, even if it makes you cry every time you see rafes smiling face. “i know.”

“maybe we could go out to dinner. or order some pizza? you need to eat, baby.” you know your mom is just looking out for you, but the thought of food makes you feel sick, eating at this point when your stomach truly needs it.

“yeah, maybe.” you pick your phone up off the nightstand and unplug it. “im gonna take a shower and get dressed.”

“that's good.” your mom says. “i love you, y/n.”

“love you too mama.” you pause for a beat when she doesn't shut your door. “thank you.”

you mom nods before exiting. you open up your phone to the gallery that causes you as much pain as it has joy, flicking through your final photos with rafe before sighing and getting up to shower with him fresh in your mind, determined to not forget a single thing about him.

--

you're about to go to sleep, pass out and hopefully not dream of anything. you went out for dinner like you promised your mom, trying to keep a brave face for her. she didn't even mention anything when you came back from an extended trip to the bathroom with tear stains on your cheeks and red eyes.

you grab your phone, swallowing harshly to stop yourself from crying again as you click on your messages, rafes contact still pinned to the top. 

you click on your messages. the last text was rafe saying he loved you. you never got to text him back, but you know he was aware of how much you loved him.

you scroll back for a bit, smiling at his jokes even with the tears in your eyes.

you lock your phone and place it on your chest, looking up at the glittering stars through your skylight. “i miss you so much, rafe. why'd you have to leave me?”

your phone vibrates. you almost ignore it, not caring who it could be from, you've practically ditched all your friends, hoping they won't hold it against you when you finally feel good enough to hang out again, if that time ever comes.

something in you makes you pause when you go to plug your phone in, makes you hesitate and open up the text.

baby, im so sorry. please meet me outside, im at your dock.

love, rafe

you frown at the text from the unknown number, considering ignoring the obvious prank as you fling off your covers, body now fueled with rafe, but when you look out the window, there is an unfamiliar boat tied to your dock.

you slip on your shoes, not really thinking of a plan as you head outside, rushing through the yard to find out whoever is playing tricks on you.

the moon barely lights your steps as you stomp down the wooden dock until you're close enough from the boat for them to hear you and far enough from your house to not wake up your mom.

“this isn't fucking funny!” you scream. “whoever is pranking me, you're fucked up!”

a figure steps out of the boat and onto your dock. it takes your eyes a second to adjust, to really take in what you're seeing, to know it's reality.

“n-no.” you take a staggering step back. “im-im seeing things.”

“it's really me, baby.” the word hits you like a bullet as you fall to your knees, not caring that they dig into the wood. “i can explain everything but-but can i touch you? ive missed you so goddamn much.”

“this isn't real. you're- you're dead. im dreaming.”

rafe moves closer, dropping to his knees as well and pulling you into a tight hug. it isn't until he touches you that you know that it's not a dream, hes real and warm against you.

“oh, god.” you begin to sob, clutching onto rafe, clambering closer to him, climbing onto his lap and hugging him so tightly it's like your bodies could become one.

“im so fucking sorry baby. i love you. i love you so much.”

“i love you.” you sob, pulling back to look rafe in the eye. “i-i love you and you can never leave me again.”

you'll demand answers later, but now you're just happy your initial gut instinct was right, your boyfriend is right here, alive and well.

“can i kiss you? you're probably pissed at me but-”

you don't wait for rafe to finishing, surging forward and smashing your lips against his, all the passion and feelings of the past two months without him, but also the past five years of love, put into your bodies as you kiss under the moonlight.

“baby-” rafe gasps after a minute. “i-i need to get back on the boat. just in case i’m seen. come with me.”

“okay.” you're not sure what it means, but you're not going to let rafe out of your sight.

rafe climbs onto the boat before helping you, hand carefully stroking over yours as he leads you into the cabin.

“did you tell anyone that i messaged you?” he asks, sitting down on the bed and pulling you to his side.

“no.” you shake your head. “my mom doesn't even know.”

“that's good.” rafe nods. “i faked my death.”

“i can tell.” you giggle, unable to keep away for much longer as you press your lips against his in a quick peck before curiosity has your tongue loosening. “how? why?”

“my dad planned it for me. the boat was rigged to explode and i went and suited up in scuba gear. the why…” rafe hesitates for a moment, and you can read every emotion on his face.

“just tell me.” you say. “you can't hurt me. you can't make me mad at you, not when i just got you back.”

“i killed sheriff peterkin.” rafe swallows harshly. “it was to protect my dad, but of course nobody would believe me.”

“i believe you.” you tell rafe, tucking your head into his neck. “that must have been so scary, but i know how you'd do anything to protect the people you love.”

“my dad didn't want me to tell you at all. i agreed to wait until after it happened, but it all moved so fast, and when i got to where i was supposed to hide out for a while, i realized i had no way of contacting you. i had to steal a phone and this boat and leave the safehouse.”

“what's the plan now then?” you ask.

“have you come back to the safehouse with me. it's in the caribbean, on a gorgeous island. i will provide everything you need, we won't have to hide there.”

“and what will i tell my family? tell everyone?”

“well, your mom loves me.” rafe smiles, knowing he's right. “i think we can trust her to keep the secret. as for everyone else… maybe you just need some time away from the outer banks after what happened. maybe some cousins in michigan or something?”

“whatever.” you shake your head. “i just need to be with you.”

-- one week later --

“when you said safe house…” you look around the mansion. “this is not what i was picturing.”

“the locals here think im a cousin of the cameron family. allows me to stay here without much suspicion. i do keep a low profile and stay out of touristy areas just in case, but we can do whatever you want here. the ocean is right outside our doorstep.”

“and money? do i need to get a job?” you've never worked before, having grown up wealthy, but you're willing to do anything to keep your life going with rafe, having told your mom who didn't believe you until rafe stepped into the room. she saw the spark in your eyes and recognized it as the same one in hers when she looked at your father, and her time was also cut short when he passed young.

she made you promise to call and to let her visit every couple months, just enough to not be suspicious.

“no.” rafe shakes his head. “my dad funnels me money. cash, so no one gets suspicious.”

“honestly, i could just stay forever in the house and in the backyard.” you laugh, wrapping your arms around rafes shoulders, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“my dad will figure something out eventually, i don't expect you to hide for the rest of your life.”

“okay.” you shrug. now that you're with rafe, you don't care. you're going to be happy no matter what after feeling the pain of losing him.

“there is one more room i want to show you…” rafe picks you up, your legs slotting around his waist like nothing ever happened. 

you laugh as you kiss his neck, knowing exactly where he's taking you.

sfw tags: @winterrrnight @bejeweledreverie @ladyinbl00d @ethanthequeefqueen @drewsephrry

[livingformintyoongi]

can i request yoongi fucking his gf in his hoodie. first he will cuddle with her in the kitchen while leaving kisses on her neck and then he will slowly become horny and at one point he will say 'I want to fuck you while you are wearing my hoodie' (you can choose for yourself whether rough or soft sex, also let it be in the first person, but if it can't, it's fine, thank you in advance, sorry for my eng )

— myg’s butterfly 🦋

Hoodie

a/n: First of all, sorry for taking so long, it took me so long to start the request because I wasn't sure how to start it :( I hope it went as you expected. Second, I totally loved the idea, it was so cute and so similar to the kind of relationship my oc and Yoongi have that it was just perfect AH-. I decided to go more for something a bit soft and with a joke or two in between, hope you don't mind. I tried to do it with first person, but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't end up liking how it turned out, sorry :c. And third, don't worry about your English! It was perfectly understood ^^. wc: 3.1k warnings: MDNI, unprotected sex, hair pulling, kitchen sex, (very) slight dry humping, fingering, breeding. taglist: @thunderg @minjianhyung @queenv1997 @yoongtism @lizzymizzy-blogg @superbbananananana @drpepperobsessed @themwordsblog @taekritimin123 @bluecloudss

"What are you doing?" whispered Yoongi, hugging your waist from behind. His large, soft hands moved lazily underneath the hoodie you were wearing, allowing himself to caress your bare waist. He smiled as he felt you shiver at the cool touch of his fingers.

"I was craving something yummy and it was too late to order anything, so I decided to, you know, do it by myself," you chuckled as you felt your boyfriend's nose brush against your neck, by this point it was almost an impulse to lean against him every time he did that, "Did you finish the song?"

"I'm still not entirely sold on it, I thought I'd better take a break to see if it would spark something new" he kissed your shoulder softly, pulling you even closer to his body. You felt so warm against him, he loved that feeling, loved how you could make him feel with your simple presence. 

"That's actually a great idea, try to rest that poor brain of yours, I'm more than sure it must be tired from so much you make it think about work" you turned off the stove, turning around so you could hug his waist. You watched as Yoongi lowered his gaze to the hoodie you were wearing. His eyebrows rose as soon as he met your gaze again.

"Isn't that mine?" he asked teasingly, pulling you closer to him around the waist. Now both of your noses were rubbing together, neither could look into anything but the other's eyes. He closed his as he felt your arms go from around his waist to hugging his neck, the soft brush of your nose against his making him sigh.

"Yoonie, it's time for you to understand that there is no longer something 'yours' or 'mine', but something 'ours', your stuff belongs to me, and my stuff belongs to you" you laughed, leaving a kiss on his nose. 

"I see, I guess I forgot that little detail" he rolled his eyes, the smile on his lips still shining brightly, how was it possible that this beautiful man was in your kitchen, hugging you tightly, looking at you as if you were the best thing in this world? Even you didn't quite understand, but you would never complain about it. 

"Don't worry, that's what I'm here for" you winked playfully at him, running your hands through his dark hair. It still felt a little damp from the shower he had taken a few hours ago. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish this" you pointed to the food behind you, you hadn't started long ago, so you still had a lot left to do before you could serve the food. 

"Oh right, you were cooking" he mumbled, still keeping his grip on you, "you can cook with me on your back".

"Was that a question or a statement?" you shook your head, turning around, still not being let go by Yoongi. You felt his chin rest on your shoulder, his gaze fixed on the vegetables resting on the pan.

"It's a statement, I don't plan to let go of you." 

You couldn't help but smile big hearing him say that. Yoongi was not a cold person to you, in fact, he was quite sweet. He was always attentive to everything you did and said, he kissed your knuckles every time there was a red light at the traffic light, he caressed your thigh every time you watched something on TV, sometimes he even gave you chaste kisses in public. However, he was rarely this cloyingly sweet, he had to be too drunk or sleepy to cling to you in this way, so of course you were going to let him regale you in this way without saying anything to him.

You had Yoongi on your back for at least ten minutes and, although at first it seemed normal for him to give you the occasional kiss on your neck, by this point you were beginning to doubt his intentions, why on earth would he be practically biting and sucking on your neck while pressing himself against you? That's not just a simple token of affection anymore.

"Uhm, Yoongi, what are you doing?" you asked in the middle of a gasp, feeling his teeth clench the sensitive skin of your neck, sending an electric current around your entire body. He knew what he was doing, and he knew even better the effect it would have on you.

"Giving my girlfriend affection, isn't it obvious?" he replied teasingly, still torturing your neck which, after all the time he spent biting and sucking, was starting to get redder and redder. 

"I know you well enough to know you're not doing this just because you want to give me affection" you bit the inside of your lip as you felt his hand wrap around one of your breasts. You were used to not wearing a bra at home, it was so much more comfortable and hurt so much less, but sometimes you forgot how much Yoongi took advantage of that to tease you like this.

"Is it wrong that I want to fuck my beautiful girlfriend while she's wearing my hoodie?" he whispered against the shell of your ear, barely biting down on a patch of skin, tugging on it gently. 

"I mean, it's not bad, but I'm busy and..." you had to bite your tongue to keep from moaning as you felt his cock slap against your thigh. Yes, he was excited and it was very hard not to notice, and it was starting to get even harder not to want to help him with that little - big - problem he was starting to have.

"It can wait a little longer, besides it's almost ready, isn't it? We won't be long, I promise" he went back to lazily massaging your breasts, his mouth still moving from one shoulder to the other, leaving little marks here and there, smiling every time he saw one pop up.

You were beginning to entertain the idea of accepting his idea. He wasn't so wrong, in fact you were nowhere near the end of cooking, a few more minutes of waiting wouldn't hurt anyone, would it?

"I hope you're telling the truth when you say it'll be quick" you muttered, turning off the stove with slightly shaking hands. No matter how long you had been by his side, the effect he had on you never changed, and you doubted it would in the future.

You squealed as you felt Yoongi's hands wrap around your waist tightly, lifting you off the floor and taking you straight to your kitchen counter, "Hey! You know I don't like doing it here, you'll mess up my-" you didn't get to finish and his lips were already on yours, his hands firmly but gently firming your neck so he could pull you even closer to him. You felt his tongue brush against your inner lip and, almost a second later, you allowed him free access to your mouth. His free hand lingered on your hip, giving it casual squeezes every so often, burying his short nails in the black fabric of his hoodie that perfectly covered that part of your body.

You moaned against his lips as you felt that same hand force you to crawl across the countertop until you bumped roughly against his own hips, generating friction between the two of you. He gladly swallowed every gasp you let out as the clash between the two of you grew louder and more precise.

"Yoongi" you gasped against his lips, clinging to his shoulders as if your life depended on it. His lips trailed down to your jaw, leaving a trail of small but sticky kisses all along your neck and shoulders. His hands fiddled with the soft fabric of the hoodie you were wearing, internally debating whether or not it was worth taking it off. He looked up. Your lips moist and swollen from the kissing session they had just had, your pupils were so dilated he could barely make out your irises, your freckled cheeks slightly flushed, spreading that color all the way to the tips of your ears, how could he resist that sight? How could he resist you?

"Fuck, you're so beautiful" he murmured, leaning back on the countertop, your hips still completely glued to his. "So fucking beautiful, I can't even take in the fact that you're mine."

You were a little groggy from the heat of the moment, so it took a little while for your brain to fully assimilate what he had just said. You felt the heat rise in your face, spreading quickly to your neck and ears. If you felt hot before, now you were boiling hot.

Yoongi wasn't too aware of your face, his eyes were fixed on how smooth the skin of your bare thighs looked. He licked his lips and lifted the hoodie up to above your hips, smiling at the sight of the underwear you were wearing. 

"Really, you wore one with hearts on it?" he chuckled, settling between your legs. His laughter became much louder after he felt you close your legs tightly around his head in protest.

"Shut the fuck up, it's just underwear, besides, it's not like I can guess when you're in the mood to fuck or not enough to put something nice on underneath, you know?" you rested one of your hands on her hair, tangling your fingers in it.

"I didn't say it was anything bad, don't get defensive either, honey" he murmured, smirking arrogantly at the sight of your already damp underwear, "I guess I wasn't the only one waiting for this, huh? Just look at this, so wet just from some light kissing and rubbing?" he moved his face closer to your center, brushing his fingers against your clit. He raised his eyebrows at the way you squirmed almost immediately at his touch. "We seem to be sensitive today."

You pursed your lips at his remark, you didn't like at all to accept the fact that you were much more sensitive than usual, but you couldn't deny it either, it was too obvious a thing to do. 

Both you and Yoongi moaned the moment he put his tongue on you, licking your wetness over your underwear. You clung to his locks of hair, letting your head fall back. The contact may not have been direct, but that didn't detract from how fucking good it felt to have his tongue on your clothed pussy. 

"Shit" you moaned haltingly, watching as Yoongi gave little cat licks around your hole only to return to your clit, suck on it, and repeat all over again. You wrapped your legs around his neck, wanting and needing to hold him closer.

"You taste so sweet" he sighed against the damp fabric, teasing your core even more because of the warm air crashing against your center. He pushed aside your underwear, bringing his fingers closer just so he could spread it wide open. Your clit was already quite swollen and your pussy looked so shiny, so tight. He could see from where he stood how it shrank into nothingness. He swallowed saliva as he imagined it would be his cock that you would be squeezing like that very soon. 

He straightened in place, looking intently at your figure. Mostly was wrapped in his hoodie, but there was something about the way it fit you that turned him on in such a way that his cock was barely resisting the pressure of his pants. 

He leaned over your body, one of his hands stopped on your hip and the other between your legs. Two of his fingers entered your pussy, stretching and ramming it as he pleased. You brought his face close to yours, kissing it carelessly. You moaned as you tasted your taste on his tongue, his teeth clashing with yours and his hands moving in a rhythm that made you shudder with each thrust. You loved it when your boyfriend was this excited.

"Yoongi, I need- Oh, god" you closed your eyes tightly as you felt his long fingers crash hard against your G-spot. You weren't even sure how you didn't cry out at the contact, "Could you put it in, like, now?".

He laughed softly, hitting your sensitive spot a couple more times, smiling as he listened to your moans covered in groans and gasps, "So desperate..." he pulled down the hoodie you were wearing a little, just enough to bring part of your breasts into view. He reached down to your chest, leaving a rather noticeable mark on the spot and, only then, pulled his fingers out from inside you. "Here, suck" you looked down, noticing how Yoongi extended the fingers he just pulled out from inside you in the direction of your mouth. He stared at you with those deep, dark eyes that he knew you could never refuse anything. 

Yoongi smirked at the sight of you as you slipped his fingers into your mouth, licking them animatedly. You held his wrist with one of your hands, hoping that would somehow make your job a little easier. He wouldn't let you stop until all your essence was gone from his fingers and, only then, would he fuck you. You knew his ways well.

"Ah, you are so obedient" he smiled with his eyes fixed on your lips wrapping his fingers. His free hand rested on your head, gently patting it. Almost instantly he tangled his fingers in your hair and tugged on it, pulling your mouth away from his fingers. He unbuttoned his pants, his gaze fixed on how your lips were held ajar. How he loved how beautifully delicious your lips looked. 

It didn't take him long to get his cock free, just as it didn't take him long to line it up with your entrance and tease it with little thrusts against your hole, barely pressing your clit with his head. He let out a chuckle as he noticed your frown.

"Stop teasing, you promised it would be quick." 

"You're right, sorry, sorry" he laughed softly, leaving a gentle kiss against your lips as he lined his cock back up with your entrance, "Do you feel ready?".

"Yes" you answered much faster than you'd like to admit, but by this point it didn't even matter anymore. You were desperate, but so was he, so what did it matter? 

"Good" he murmured, thrusting his cock inside you in one thrust. You had to hold your breath to keep from screaming. "Fuck, babe, you're so tight" he took a breath of air, holding onto your waist to keep a little control of his movements. 

"Yoongi" you gasped, clinging to his shoulders, hiding your face in his neck. You felt so full with him inside you, you could feel him everywhere, with every fiber of your being. 

He licked his lips, clinging to your waist as he began his onslaught. Normally he would start at a much faster pace, but this time you felt so tight that he didn't think he would be able to move without cumming in the attempt. 

You took advantage of your position to kiss and mark the exposed skin left by Yoongi's shirt, leaving hickeys and nibbles along his shoulders. Yoongi, for his part, was beginning to quicken his pace, each thrust feeling deeper than the last, harder than the last. It was almost impossible to hold back your screams.

"It feels good, so good" you whispered between gasps, resting your head on the countertop, closing your eyes to feel his movements more intensely. Slowly the knot in your lower belly was starting to become more noticeable, and your body, responding to that intense feeling, started to move against Yoongi's, needing to reach that long awaited release that made you see stars every single time.

"I know, fuck, I know" he rested his forehead against your shoulder, grinding his hips against yours in desperation. He was in the same situation as you, and that he was moving you against him at the same time he was ramming your pussy didn't help his situation much. He bit his lower lip lightly, bringing one of his hands to your womanhood, using his fingers to tease your clit.

Your whole body trembled against the countertop at his touch, the knot getting tighter and tighter, preventing you from thinking clearly. It didn't help much that Yoongi had found your G-spot again, using that to his advantage to bring you even closer to your climax.

"Yoongi, I don't... I can't... it's too much" you struggled a bit to formulate the sentence properly, each word ending up coming out as a moan, but Yoongi seemed to have understood you, or so you thought as he leaned against your chest, kissing you deeply while grinding his hips against yours desperately. 

Almost instantly you shuddered against his body, feeling a rush of excitement run through you as the knot in your stomach unraveled and your longed-for release had finally arrived. 

Yoongi soon followed, thrusting hard and long as he let his seed fill your insides. 

You both stood for a moment in silence. Yoongi's face remained hidden in your neck, kissing your skin from time to time; you, for your part, kept looking up at your kitchen ceiling, trying to regulate your breathing. It wasn't until you both calmed down that one of you opened your mouth to break the silence.

"You're going to clean my kitchen, and you're going to do it as soon as I can feel my legs again" you muttered, trying to sound as serious as possible. You were sure it didn't work after you heard him laugh over your shoulder.

"It's okay, I'll clean up" he mumbled with a smile, lifting his face to come face to face with you. "One last kiss before I have to clean up this mess?".

You smiled at his request, cupping his cheeks in your hands so you could pull him close to you and leave a soft, lingering kiss on his lips. "Better?"

"Much better" he nodded with his gummy smile, kissing your cheek sonorously. "Now, Miss Y/L/N, I need to get this over with before my girlfriend catches me."

You rolled your eyes in amusement, watching as Yoongi emerged from inside you, arranging both of your clothes and helping you down from the counter, "I'll wait for you in bed, I found a movie I'm sure you'll love."

"I'll be there" he whispered with a smile, giving you one last kiss before focusing entirely on cleaning your kitchen.

Masterlist.

[smuddee-papabear]

naga partner manhandles you with their tail 🙏

Ooh I love nagas. You didn't specify gender so I'm going to make both gender neutral

gender neutral reader X gender neutral naga

Tw: rough handling, biting kink

---

Most mornings were easy, your partner was too busy warming up on their heating pad to complain too hard about you going into work. The day would start with you wriggling your way from their sizable tail before taking a shower. You'd get your breakfast and coffee before leaving after giving them a peck on the cheek.

Some mornings, however, they wouldn't let you go without a fight. This was one of them.

"I have to go into work." You know they won't care about that the moment their tail wraps your leg.

Your naga lets out a huffy sigh, tail trailing up. "I could provide you with everything you need without that silly job getting in the way."

"That silly job pays for your food bill." You tease, turning to look at them. It was a mistake. The way the morning light shines on their gorgeous scales is far too distracting. "And your heat pad."

Your naga partner clearly doesn't like that assessment. Their expression darkens slightly. "I can feed us both and I don't need a fancy pad to warm myself."

"Oh no?" Your raised eyebrow is another mistake.

You yelp as a strong force shoves unexpectedly on your chest. Before you know it you're wrapped in a coil and pushed into the floor right in front of them.

Your breath is knocked out of you, and not just from the force of it. Naga!Partner's eyes gleam with satisfaction as they loom above you. You're sure they can feel the jump in your heart rate. A devilish smile crosses their face.

"If you think I can't, get out of my coils and go into work."

For a moment you stare open mouthed at them. Get out of their coils? How does this prove that they can provide for you?

Finally you start wriggling against the well muscled body, trying to ignore how intently your naga watches. It doesn't take long before you're out of breath.

Unwilling to admit defeat you start kicking your legs and manage to make minor headway. Before you can be proud of that you hear tutting from Naga!Partner and another section of tail wraps your legs before you're yanked upside-down and dangled in front of the naga's eyes.

Heat flushes your face. "Hey! I was doing what you told me to!" A chaste kiss to your lips has you too flustered to splutter out more of your indignance.

"Are you just giving up?" The smug tone causes your blush to spread further.

You try to curl up and grab their tail but are stopped when they use another coil to shove up into your back, arching it almost uncomfortably. Once again the breath is knocked from your lungs.

You barely have time to get it back before Naga!Partner shifts the end of their tail to force your legs open just enough to put you in a very vulnerable position. They tease your crotch with the tip.

Despite what you should be wanting, to get free, a sharp moan escapes your mouth.

Your naga's breath tickles the back of your neck and sends shivers through your body. "I can provide for you." Their hiss is somehow so loving and so angry at the same time.

You open your mouth but are embarrassed the only thing leaving it is a breathy whine. Something cold and flat slides into your hand. Only a moment goes by before you realize what. Your phone; a clear demand to call in sick.

It takes effort but you manage to speak without another whine. "I have-...I have to work."

"No," Naga!Partner's teeth skim the skin on your neck. You can feel their fangs trail along. Goosebumps form where they do. "I can provide for you."

"Need...need t wo-work...!" You manage to choke out. To be honest you don't really care about it anymore. Your heart is racing, body throbbing with every shift of your naga's muscles, mind foggy with need.

Their fangs push into your skin. It's not enough to break it but it is enough to cause a jolt through your shaking frame. "I will provide you with what you need today."

You call in sick, and just as promised your Naga!Partner provides all you need and more.

[weaselle]

RECOVERY

I spent a lot of my life depressed without admitting it to myself and then i spent a year so depressed i could hardly make myself do the bare minimum to keep my body alive, and now it's about 3 years since i got up from that lowest point and while i am still struggling with myself things are objectively a lot better.

and i just want to put a couple things i've learned, both to remind myself of how far i've come, and in case any of what i've experienced helps anyone else.

You can't run from the darkness

When you're super depressed it's easy to focus on how much you don't want to be depressed. When everything is darkness you tend to wish you could escape that darkness.

but you can't. The darkness is all around you. You can't run away from it without running deeper into it.

instead, follow the light.

don't think of it as escaping depression, think of it as seeking joy. Don't run away from the darkness, walk toward any lights you can see.

At first it will be very small things. The taste of a food. The way your favorite color looks. A smell you like. For me one of the first things i could find to remind me of joy was the way a warm shower feels.

I would just stand in the shower and lean into the tiny, tiny joy of that feeling. I would describe it to myself, how it felt good, what about it felt good. It didn't cure me, it didn't make me less depressed, but it was a little point of joy to focus on, to breathe into like a tiny candle flame in my darkness.

I would memorize that feeling, so that later, when i felt like nothing ever brought me joy anymore, i could think, no, that's your depression lying to you, you felt joy, however small, right there in the shower just yesterday. And, maybe there is more somewhere else.

Even today, it's been a hard week, i'm feeling a lot of hopeless and helpless feelings clamoring away at me, but... i have spicy soup. And spicy soup is a NEW joy. I found spicy soup joy as i was following any little light i could out of the deepest part of my depression.

I never put hot sauce in soup before then. But today i am drinking the broth of a very spicy soup and as much as everything else is complicated and difficult and scary and dark, there is a bright mote of joy in this sip of spicy soup. And in the next one. And the next. I enjoy it, i love it, all the more that it is new, and if i had given up four years ago, i never would have known this small joy, this new favorite tiny thing.

Who knows what other little joys i may find?

If you have come to a place in life where you have lost the knowledge of how to feel joy, it is important to remember that feeling joy is like anything else in life. The more you practice, the better you get, the more of it you can do at higher levels.

And there are only so many minutes in the day. The more of them you spend acknowledging what feels good, the less of them will be left for feeling bad.

you can't escape the darkness by fleeing from it, but you can find the light by moving toward it.

Chop Wood Fetch Water

Another thing i learned was a truth about the exercise advice you always hear.

For where i am in my recovery now, common exercise has very little impact. I don't really get the endorphins people talk about, and i don't tend to feel better about myself after i work out unless i already feel pretty okay about myself to begin with. i don't mean to say there is no point in me exercising, but, i walk about ten miles a day holding onto 8 energetic dogs and i do a fair amount of lifting and bending and stuff for my job, and it's fine but it's not, like, doing a whole lot for me at this point in my recovery (tho i do think more recreational exercise will come back into play a stage or two on in my healing process)

HOWEVER

There was a year there where i was only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. When i was only able to force myself to eat just enough each day to stay alive because i'd made a promise to myself, and that promise was almost all i had left.

and the right kind of exercise is what pulled me out of that.

the RIGHT kind.

See, someone close to me needed help with a physical job. That was an important part and why this method is known historically as some variation of Chop Wood Carry Water -- it's intensely physical, which is important, but also, it helps the people around you. These days our personal communities tend to not need wood copped and water carried the same way. But you can get the same effect helping someone move all their furniture, doing all the yard work for your friends and/or family, volunteering for a charity that builds housing for homeless people, SOMEthing physically taxing that helps people.

In my case, my aging father needed help re-shingling the roof. So i promised i'd help.

So i got up every morning because he was expecting me. And i climbed the ladder because he would see me if i didn't. And i lifted and carried and hammered and worked hard. It took a week of six to eight hour days.

Right away, the fact that it was helping someone else made it not matter so much that it didn't feel like it was helping me at first. I couldn't deny that i was doing something good, that my existence had positive meaning, however small.

But very soon, it changed something fundamental in my state of depression. You can't do physical labor in the sun 7 hours a day without drinking a bunch of water. Without working up an appetite. Without getting very tired at the end of the day.

See, i had been struggling to make myself drink enough water, i was fighting to make myself eat even one small meal's worth of food each day, and i couldn't get a good night's sleep to save my life. And these things all made my depression much much worse. You think you get sad or angry from skipping a meal, consider being chronically undernourished. You think your mental state is worse after pulling an all nighter, think about what never getting a good night's sleep does.

But a couple days into this job with my father, and suddenly i was hydrated, i was eating full meals, and i was sleeping soundly at night.

THAT is what pulled me out of that deepest part of my depression.

So in a way, it was exercise that saved me. But not how people often say "have you tried exercising?" More like pushing myself physically to the point that my body demanded the things that previously i couldn't get it to want for itself.

Instead of forcing myself to eat i was craving food. Instead of staying up to all hours and then tossing and turning, i was physically exhausted and slept early and hard. (and, weirdly, being physically exhausted was somehow a relief from being emotionally/mentally exhausted)

Lastly

Healing often isn't noticeable while you're doing it

"healing is a process" is something you hear a lot, but i think it's more helpful to say something like

"Healing is like growing your hair out from short to long. You can look in the mirror every day and not notice it happening. And even when you can tell for sure it's longer than it was, you still can't really do anything with it, and it may seem pointless. But then one day you can tie it back in a ponytail and you realize how much it's grown and how many options are open to you now and you're really glad you stuck with it"

Now excuse me while i go meditate on the joys of my remaining spicy soup.

[butchtheworld]

crip tips

i'm an experienced disabled person (EDS, CFS, POTS, chronic pain). here are some of the things that help me get by as a college student (note: i use a wheelchair and a cane most days. i also am fortunate enough to have decent medical care, meds, and my aforementioned mobility aids)

shower chair. i can't stand for long enough to shower, and especially not if it's a hot shower. i got a cheap one off of amazon that has three legs and a plastic seat. that plastic seat makes it super easy to keep clean. i know there's a weird sort of embarrassment about sitting in the shower, but PLEASE, it is so much better than sitting on the floor in the shower or falling. in my dorms, there are two (2) showers with fold-down seats. i put a small towel down on the seat so i'm not bare-ass on this dorm bathroom surface, then i wash it down after.

normal wheelchair gloves are fingerless, which suck for winter. BUT, winter cycling gloves have the same cushioning on the palms and grip material and fingers. they're not super warm, but throw on a pair of thin gloves underneath (or, if you're like me, propelling keeps your hands super hot anyways).

an ice pack on the back of your neck can help with migraines and dizziness. i keep a small one in my freezer at all times. i tuck it into a hairband so it can be hands-free.

PLEASE adjust your cane/crutch/crutches to the right height. it helps so much with shoulder/elbow pain and balance. if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. the handle of my cane hits around the height of my wrist if my arm is just hanging down.

if you have hyper mobility, try high-rise shoes. i wear only high-rise converse and doc martens, which i can lace tightly around my ankles to keep them from rolling or sliding out of place.

(MENTIONS FOOD AND CALORIES) keep an easy, high-in-calorie food around. for me, eating on high pain days is essentially impossible. so, i need something that i can get myself to eat (like ice cream or canned soup or chips) that won't take any effort. ice cream is a great one for me, since it's sweet and cold and dense. even if it's not healthy, nothing is more unhealthy than not eating.

please, please, please find a community of disabled people. most of my close friends are able-bodied and, as much as i love them, they just can't understand it like other disabled people do. i found two great communities on my college campus, but i've also heard that support groups are a great way to meet people within the community

if you have any other tips, reblog with them. i remember the beginning days of my illness and how daunting all of this was. this is how we support our community.

[maenjiro]

nsfw alphabet 𖦹

a/n: ngl i did lamest thing i could possibly do and spelled their names with the nsfw alphabet just to help myself get started and not put pressure on myself already since i actually want to do this okay bye. i hope you will like it ♡ for the ran one i felt bad he only add 3 letters so i just added one randomly.

featuring: takeomi, wakasa, ran, draken, mikey

cw: gn!reader, nothing extreme i guess but it's a nsfw alphabet and it can get nasty you know the drill.

takeomi

a = aftercare (what they’re like after sex) this man is a simp for you, would go the extra mile for you with aftercare, providing anything you might need and more, depending on the time of the day he would even prepare food or a snack for you. would indulge in shower/bath time with you, stroking your back and kissing your forehead.

e = experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) he had his fair share of experience but i feel like they all were pretty much shallow quickies to get each other off in a passive way. listen, he's a lover AND NOW he deserve that s/o to love and give them pleasure in the right way.

i = intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) have i mentioned this man is a simp for you? well, takeomi akashi is a huge simp for you and he would show you that every time you are in bed together. would blurt out an 'i love you' or two so if you ain't ready for that just use your hand to shut him up, or your mouth.

k = kink (one or more of their kinks) might be predictable but he has a daddy kink, for him it's a strictly in the bedroom kind of thing but he just loves hearing you calling him that.. while he pounds into you. also, smoking !! like passing the smoke in your mouth through a kiss. it's so hot to him and he's so hot for that i'm gonna pass tf out like imagine him taking a drag and immediately pulling you in, his thumb and forefinger on your chin pressing a bit to make your lips part and him leaning in for the smoke kiss.

m = motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) you. you alone are the motivation for him. the way you tease him all day long knowing he can't keep his hands of off you is more than enough motivation to him. even when you're in public teasing him with subtle acts it really does things to him.

o = oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) sometimes he might be selfish with this one but he loves receiving more than giving. having you between his legs making the prettiest noises while he's laying down on his bed, cigarette loosely kept between his lips and his hands in your hair It's just pure bliss. he would casually thrust in your mouth to adjust himself and oh god the half choking sound you make is music to his ears. however, it does not mean he doesn't like giving you head, he happily obliges anytime he wants to spoil you which is pretty often.

t = toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) i don't see him as the biggest fan of toys -not when he's with you at least. *cough* 🔦 *cough* BUT handcuffs might have been brought to the bedroom a few times. not saying you both take turns in cuffing each other's hands but that is exactly what i'm saying (also TOTALLY not saying you cuffed one hand each one time)

wakasa

a = aftercare (what they’re like after sex) i love him a lot like a lot a lot but i just know he wouldn't really be the aftercare king. he would provide the bare minimum and call it a day, he goes hard and he's exhausted. after that he loves laying in bed with you only wearing his boxer briefs. his arm is around you and he may or may not light up one, a lil something that would help you both relax some more post sex.

k = kink (one or more of their kinks) do i even have to say this? his biggest kink is ORAL FIXATION like that man needs needs something on his tongue at all times and if that something is you he would be ecstatic. i mean, face sitting? yes. gladly losing himself between your thighs.

s = stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) tbh i think he can last pretty long despite the lazy vibe he gives off, but he works in a gym and he’s pretty agile and trained, he could go for 2/3 rounds but either way he will stop max at 2.

w = wild card (a random headcanon for the character) loves inviting you to the gym when everyone else left and have you take part in the last workout of the day. he likes helping you train your thighs muscles while he keeps your legs spread open for him.

ran

a = aftercare (what they’re like after sex) okay so it depends. one night stand!ran would likely kick you out. he is an ass. he needs his 24h beauty sleep and needs his bed. fuckbuddy/fwb!ran would leave his room to give you time to clean yourself up and fix yourself. he would offer you a drink and ask if you want to stay over and watch a movie together or something. boyfriend!ran doesn't make a move right away because he takes his sweet time to enjoy the post sex bliss with you. may or may not be clingy. if you try to get up to clean yourself he would pull you back in bed with him. eventually he'd get up and help you get cleaned but a tease is always a tease and he would press a little too hard on your sensitive spot (bonus point if he overstimulated you) with the wet towel looking up at you with a smirk. but to be fair bf ran dotes on you so he would also show his sweet side, after cleaning you up he'd help you get dressed in comfy clothes – maybe with his tshirt – and brush his fingers against your pretty features and genuinely smile at you.

k = kink (one or more of their kinks) yes, he loves degradation. yes, he likes humiliation too. yes, he would use a cute pet name just to add that you're his slut after that. slight spit kink,, spits in your mouth seeing how greedily you opened up when he asked you to perfect mix between "watch your mouth slut" and "open up now"

n = no (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) there aren't many things this man wouldn't do but other bodily fluids other than cum and spit is the biggest no for him. i feel like he is lowkey germophobic despite everything. like this man wear white gloves to beat people up.

r = risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) is that even a question? he's pretty much open to try many new things. and talking about risk he recently found out he's into bondage. he loves making you wear pretty ropes, he so happily tied for you, under your clothes when you go out in public together.

draken

a = aftercare (what they’re like after sex) he's the absolute sweetest man (even tho his frown might be misleading but i mean he is a taurus let him be) and would take care of you in the most loving way, he adores you and it shows – god i love him so much. he would help you and clean you up right away and tell you to use to the bathroom while he makes some hot tea for you (or any other comfort drink you love) like he would have all the different flavors you love in his cabinet. he would ask how you feel and if anything he did was too much AND would offer you a massage. his hands carefully kneading your sore muscles and his lips leaving feather-like kisses on your skin every time he's done massaging a spot. eventually he would lay down next to you and cuddle.

d = dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) he would never hurt you but he loves being rough and get so lost in you, feeling your body against him, your moans and the way you would arch your back for him… this and thinking about you completely at his mercy get him going, he's not ready yet to say it out loud but he might into dumbification. i'm telling you, his groans when he's lost in the moment are the hottest thing.

e = experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) i mean yes he's experienced but he's not a ladies' man in the slightest. taking into account where he has lived since he was a kid he got to know more than he would've liked to way sooner than he should've + he was exposed to people having sex non-stop and that ruined for him. he lost interest in sex for a while, so he's more focused on finding someone he deeply cares about. one night stands do not appeal to him at all. though, given all the chatter with the girls through the years, he learned how to properly take care of someone in bed and that's the experience that counts.

k = kink (one or more of their kinks) a dom who loves dirty talking mixed with a praise kink. he's so tall the size kink is a given and he loves to worship your body (at times the size kink makes the worshipping even more fulfilling).

n = no (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) anything even remotely noncon, dubcon (including con-noncon) and anything that would cause you physical pain, he would never harm you in any way shape or form

r = risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) he's open to experiment and try some of your fantasies. loves to hear about them from you, it gets him in the mood.

mikey (writing down this here once and for all, i think mikey is a complex character therefore almost everything depends on the timeline we are taking into account, few timelines would be packed enough to have their own nsfw alphabet)

e = experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) okay so i hc mikey being in the demisexual spectrum hence he wouldn't be much experienced just because i don't see him dating many people or being interested in that at all but !! if you two are a thing tbh he would try his best not to disappoint you, he would read up stuff (his browsing history before the main event would be a mess)

i = intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) let's focus on final timeline mikey for this one: again with mikey being demi he's not here for a one time thing. he's in love with you and it makes the act even more special for him and for you, it would be so intimate and loving, lots of whispers and little pleased whimpers, he loves you and has a deep desire to love you and make you feel loved. here i am giving you bike racer mikey being all lovey dovey

k = kink (one or more of their kinks) this heavily depends on the timeline TBFH but anyway overall i think he would be pretty vanilla but he would be into both edging and overstimulation (receiving end)

m = motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) there isn't specific that turns him on but seeing you happy or focused on something you love gets him going tbh it would unlock the clingy mode and he would be all over you trying to get your attention and your kisses

y = yearning (how high is their sex drive?) i think his sex drive is pretty low, he wouldn't necessarily initiate anything himself either

[irkimatsu]

Husk eats his partner for breakfast (more precisely, his women's pussy and breasts~)

Let's let our man have what he wants 😉🔥

Mmmm what a delicious breakfast~

You wake up by Husk's side, both of you still nude from last night's passion. You still can't stop thinking about all the ways he touched you last night... his body pressing down on you, his fangs grazing your neck as he thrusts into you with all his power, his voice making the most delicious growls and moans every time he bottoms out... you cuddle up to his chest and close your eyes, happy to relive the memory for a while longer. Last night's cologne has mostly worn off of him, leaving you to breathe in the comforting familiarity of his natural scent.

"Mornin', babe," you hear from above you as he combs his claws through your hair. "Sleep well?"

You mumble an agreement. "Hard not to, after the way you wore me out last night."

He chuckles to himself before pressing a kiss to the top of your head. "You felt too damn good. I couldn't stop myself."

"Hey, I'm not complaining about it."

You lay in silence for a bit longer, enjoying the blanket over you, and more importantly, Husk's bare fur and skin pressed against your body. You could stay here in this peace forever...

"Mind if I have some breakfast?" he asks.

You nod as you pull away from him. It sucks to have to leave his comfort, but you know what a miserable wretch he can be if he doesn't get some coffee and food (and, regrettably, whiskey) in his system shortly after waking up. You expect him to hop out of bed, throw on some slacks, and head downstairs to see what Niffy's prepared this morning; whether or not he has a bath first depends on how loudly his stomach is protesting.

Instead, he rolls on top of you and kisses your lips until you're struggling for breath.

"Husk!" you gasp out when he finally breaks the kiss. "What are you doing?"

"Having breakfast," he says simply before kissing his way along your jaw, down to the side of your neck. "I'm in the mood for something sweet..."

You're not exactly prepared, appearance-wise. You haven't had a chance to shower yet, and you feel like you're still slick with sweat from the previous night.

Husk's purring as his rough tongue laps at your collarbone assures you that this is the opposite of a problem for him.

"If it's something sweet you want..." you say playfully as you grab his paw and drag it down your body. You press his palm against your clit, and you gasp.

"Mmm... sounds great," he says. "But you know I don't like jumping right for the main course. Gotta have a little appetizer first..."

Your breathing picks up as his mouth gently brushes the top of one of your breasts. He cups both of them in his paws and squeezes them as he circles his tongue around your nipple.

"Oh god, Husk..." You tangle your fingers in the hair between his ears and push slightly, encouraging him to feast as much as he wants. He immediately takes your offer, and you gasp in a high pitch as he starts suckling at your breast, his fangs lightly pinching the sensitive skin. After a few moments of light suckles, he gives you as hard of a suck as he can, before releasing your breast with a pop. He gives you no time to relax before his attention is on your other breast, lapping at your nipple before beginning to suckle. The cool air of the room chills the wet spot he's left behind on your now-neglected breast; as if sensing this, he presses his palm to your nipple and gently massages warm circles into it.

"You're so good to me, baby..." you moan.

He purrs and waves his tail at the compliment.

You know you won't be able to stay here with him forever; sooner or later, Charlie will be just outside the door to tell you that breakfast is ready. She'll be awkward about it, considering the time you accidentally, and very loudly, let her know exactly what was keeping you and Husk in bed so long... but not even that incident has stopped her from making sure that none of her guests miss breakfast and have to go hungry.

It can't last forever, but you'll both savor this until that interruption comes.

Your breathing calms down once he finally releases your breast from his mouth for the final time, and instead focuses his mouth's attention on your stomach. He's moving lower on your body, but slowly, so slowly, making sure the tension in your chest is agonizing before he finally grants you relief.

"Wanna make a bet with me?" he asks between kisses.

"It's always a bet with you," you say with a laugh. "What's the bet?"

You gasp and roll your head back as his tongue passes over your clit. "Fuck, you're wet..." he mutters to himself. After taking a few more tastes, he stops licking you so he can focus his eyes on you, his mouth growing into a smirk.

"Here's the bet... how many times do you think I can make you cum before Charlie shows up?"

[homelanderbutbig]

His Very Own All-Star Chef (G/T Homelander x Reader)

810 words. Pure fluff. Homelander is 8 feet tall. Reader is non-descriptive. Established relationship.

You made soup and he likes soup.

It's been a quiet evening for you, cooking dinner alone in Homelander's penthouse. You have the day off today, so you thought you'd try making a new recipe, something special. You are thankful Homelander put the large pot on the stovetop for you before he left for work this morning, as it's far too heavy for you to lift by yourself.

You've had a peaceful day by yourself preparing a hearty beef and vegetable soup, making triple the recipe called for as you are aware of how much Homelander can eat.

Regardless of having a state-of-the-art custom kitchen, you know for a fact he's never cooked a day in his life, preferring to have his food catered by the Vought chefs and brought up to him. But he is deeply touched by you taking the time to cook homemade meals for him, even though during the first instance you didn't make nearly enough to satiate his hunger. You've since learned to adjust the recipe sizes to make sure he always has enough to eat, and in turn he always makes sure to shower his very own all-star chef with his most fervent praises.

Standing up on a set of steps, as Homelander's kitchen is too tall for you to reach on just your feet, you add in the final seasonings to the soup as it nears completion. You're enjoying the relaxing ambience, listening to the soup bubble as you stir on autopilot, hoping that your dinner tastes as good as it smells.

Suddenly, you jump as you are startled by what feels like a brick wall behind you. There is a laugh coming from above you as the 'brick wall' expands and contracts from the jest. You sigh as you look straight up, seeing Homelander grinning as he gazes down at you, although his face is slightly obscured by his pecs.

"How many times have I asked you not to sneak up on me like that?" you attempt to scold him, even though you can't hide the smile forming on your face. As annoying as he can be sometimes, you are always happy to see him when he comes home from work.

"I couldn't help myself," he chuckles, as he rests his big ungloved hand on your shoulder. "You're so cute when I scare you."

You place your hand on top of his, wrapping it around his fingers. Away from his penthouse, he very rarely takes his gloves off as he prefers not to touch the undeserving outside world. But when he is alone with you, he adores feeling your gentle touches on his hands, and returning his affections by caressing every inch of your face.

"And what do we have here?" Homelander asks, leaning down a bit closer to you. He is all smiles as he smells the air, closing his eyes while he takes in your hard day's work. Your efforts that were all for him.

"It's a beef and veggie soup," you tell him, still stirring the pot with your other hand. "It's a new recipe, I've been busy chopping all day. I'm not sure how good it turned out though."

"Well, it smells great," he says as he moves his hand from your shoulder to your thighs, lifting you up to his chest. You weigh absolutely nothing to him, but he loves to feel your body cradled in his arm with your head up close to his own.

"Hey!" you squeal as you are abruptly brought up into the air, giving him a playful swat on his pecs. "I can't finish cooking from up here!"

He can't help but laugh. He is so fond of how you do such simple things to remind him of his humanity, how easily you bring him back down to earth after a grueling day of being Vought's supe poster boy.

"I think it's done babe," he smirks. "Here, let me see."

He reaches down and grabs the pot with his free hand, completely unfazed from the strong heat on his bare skin. After one last smell, he brings the pot up to his mouth to take an ample sip. He tilts his head back as he swallows, his eyes closed while he licks his lips, savouring the soup you made special just for him.

"Is it good?" you question, even though you're pretty sure you already know the answer.

Opening his eyes, you spot the sly expression on his face as he brings you in for a kiss. Homelander kisses you so warmly and softly, letting you taste the soup on his lips. When he finally parts, your noses are still touching allowing you to feel his deep breaths dance across your face. You can see how dilated his pupils are, his fluttering eyes solely focused on you, on how much he loves you.

You take that as a yes.

[iamthecomet]

it's a missing Aether day here, trying to comfort myself with thoughts of Aether with arms wide open to welcome back his pack with all the hugs and kisses they could ever want, I miss our big boi sm, I need little domestic thoughts to keep me sane 😭

It is always missing Aether (and Sunny) hours. I think he keeps busy when they're gone. Working a lot at the infirmary. Learning new skills he can try out on them when they get home. New recipies, learning a new craft, he can't wait to show Cumulus the little crochet things he's been making, tending to Mountain's plants with almost as much care an attention as Mountain himself. Making sure he feeds the little cat Dew is pretending he hasn't adopted (it still lives outside in the cemetery, but Dew named it, so it's pretty much over). Just think about how he'd wait for them to get home. Bouncing on the balls of his feet as he watches the vans pull up the driveway. Rocking back and forth, barely containing his excitement. He'd hug all of them in turn. Sweeping most of them off of their feet in a crushing hug. Inhaling the scent of them. All of them smelling a little off--like hotels and weird soap--but still like them. Holding them close so they can feel just how much he loves and missed them. I bet he and Sunny made dinner too. That after their exhausted bandmates are hugged and kissed and have gotten inside and had a shower in their own bathroom for the first time in months, Aether ushers them all into the dining room. And he and Sunny feed them. Nothing too extravagant. They're all so tired. Excited to be home, exuberent. Full of that sort of relaxed energy you get when you step back into your space after a long time away--but still tired. And Aether doesn't want to make that worse. He doesn't want to overwhelm. So they make light comfort food. Salads and roasted vegetables with veggies fresh from Mountain's gardens. Pasta with olive oil and a little cheese and a lot of salt and pepper. Cheese boards and fruit boards, and lots of fresh bread. Decadent, but simple. And they could all go back to their own beds after dinner. Sleep in their own sheets after so many months. But you know, instead, they all end up cuddled in the common room. A movie on the TV that none of them are watching. Aether stuck right in the middle of them (Sunny too, honestly. Both of them being squished in the best way by their pack), his arms curled around two ghouls while another naps on his chest.

[fallingforel]

Love your work!!, could you please do prompt 18 “I’ve got you.”

louis fluff - something happens to y/n and the 1D boys comfort her till lou gets there and then says that line and lovey stuff!! absolutely love for protective louis shots😭

request: could you do prompt 18 “I’ve got you.” with louis fluff please! like something happens to y/n and the other boys find her crying or scared and comfort her until louis shows up and he gets protective and just showers her in comfort words and gestures or something! i live for protective lou🥲 sorry if that’s all over the place i don’t word things great😭

A/N of course I can lovelys, this is probably gonna be one of my favourite requests to write so thank you

warnings: panic attack, mentions of death, mentions of cancer, hypochondria, mentions of shootings, parent death, PTSD attack, Mentions of claustrophobia, mentions of smoking (is that even one idk 😅😅)

words: 773

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⋆｡°✩

I always have been panic attack prone my whole life, well since my mum had been in a freak accident of being shot at in a supermarket here in the U.K I was with her but the shooter only shot at my mum and not me. it was very rare to be shot at in the U.K. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and you were very lucky to escape it my dad always tells me Though I think it's only to keep me from having anxiety attacks when I think back to it I was 10 when it happened so I was old enough to understand what had happened, even when I didn't want to. My dad had since then bought my brothers and me up. I had met Louis when we both worked in Toys R us and we hit it off instantly and I had signed him up for x-factor after our first date in a karaoke bar in leeds we made a whole day trip to leeds for our first date.

I could feel one coming on as soon as Harry, niall and I got back to the tour bus. We had all gone out for food. Zayn, Liam and Louis had stayed behind to smoke cigarettes so Niall Harry and I had opted to go back to the tour bus. Sometimes I smoke but I was too full and had a headache all day. I think the headache caused it, I also have hypochondria so this hightens my PTSD because I think I have cancer or something and then I panic and it leads into a full anxiety attack. They are never pretty but Louis' there through all of them and knows exactly how to calm me down when I'm going through them.

My breathing quickens "y/n/n are you okay? You look really pale." Niall asks but I barely hear it before I'm dropping to the floor and crying "shit. y/n, can you focus on my voice for me?" Harry says. But in amongst the ringing its very hard to make out My breathing quickens again and I start to shake. "shit, Ni call Louis tell him to come back. It's one of the worse ones" the ringing loudens before I'm squinting my eyes shut and saying "STOP MAKE IT STOP DONT SHOOT!"

A few minutes of ringing and my sobs fill the air before Louis taps on my chest "Hey darling, You're okay. Focus on the tapping can you do that for me?" he asks me which I nod to. "good darling keep doing that for me"

-LOUIS POV-

"Harry can you take her jumper off for me I need to keep tapping her chest I can't do it myself" He nods and is quick to do so "what now?" "get her pyjamas from my bunk shes gonna want to change, she's all sweaty. Niall can you get a cold glass of water and a cold wet flannel aswell, she's burning up she's stressed. After that can you all leave the room. Just leave everything In a pile next to me I'll sort it out, she needs space this is making everything worse, the cramped tour bus doesnt help. just all wait outside please." They are all quick to nod and do as I have said.

As soon as everyone is off the tour bus I'm stripping her out of her top and pulling mine off too and pulling her close to me so we can do skin to skin

"right, now darling focus on my breathing can you do that for me breathe with me In. two three four. Out, two three four. Good girl thats it keep doing that for me. I've got you" and she follows enough so that she's calm and her breath is back to normal.

"What even happened babe?" I say "Headache, you know my hypochondria aggrivates the PTSD I think that I've got cancer then I'm going to die and then I think of death then my mum then the day it all went down"

"I see, I see. I knew I should've gone with you, knew something bad would happen the moment you left my side."

"No, don't be so silly. It would've happened either way. I would've calmed down eventually whether you were here or not"

"No you wouldn't have"

"Lou, Babe. don't blame yourself you nor I can control when they happen you know that. Dont be so silly. I know you'll always be there when they stop You've got me always."

" i know, I've got you, always darling"

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end.

[rainyorca]

☾

Reader’s powers are loosely based off a wolf, think Wolfsbane from Wolverine and the X-men.

The moon shines brightly down on the Blackbird, the engine is just a quiet rumble. Most of the team is asleep, quiet snoring fills the soundscape but it's much louder in your ears. 

However there was an absence among those snores, Scott. Unable to sleep, you opened your eyes, seeing his dark silhouette in the pilot seat. You unstrap the seatbelt, getting up and walking to the passenger seat. He didn't seem to notice you at first. 

“Scott,” you say, his name sounding pleasant on your tongue. 

He turns his head to look at you, his visors glowing softly. The moon allows some light in, as well as the glow from the controls, just enough so he could see your face, or so you could see his.

“You’re bleeding,” he states, reaching over to wipe the blood off your face. He only smears it, the blood staining the pad of his thumb when he pulls away. 

“You need to rest,” you hum, watching him turn to look ahead. “I’m not tired,” he responds simply, keeping his eyes on the sky. 

“You can't lie to me,” you point out quietly, “I spent most of my younger years hunting for my food, I know when my prey is tired, Scott.” 

“I'm your prey?” 

“That’s not the point.”

You watch his lips twitch, as if he was planning on saying something, but he stays quiet. You continue to stare at him, eyes looking over his body for any injuries, your nose searching for any sign of blood. 

“You're injured, Scott,” you say when you catch a whiff of his blood, “I can smell it. How long have you been bleeding?”

“I’ll get myself fixed up when we get back,” he looks at you, you can feel the intensity in his eyes. 

“Then at least let me fly.” 

“Absolutely not,” he mutters, dismissing you with a hand, “go rest.”

“I am nocturnal,” you remind him, “it's a part of my mutation, I can't sleep at night for long hours like you guys can without getting restless. Let me fly, or at least watch the autopilot.” 

He presses his lips into a line, like he was trying to decide. “I'm fine,” he responds after a second. You sit back crossing your arms over your chest. He's stubborn, just as much as you, but you like that about each other. 

“Tell me about your past,” he breaks the silence, still looking forward, “you mentioned you lived in Alaska for some time. I’m from Alaska, you know.”

You look at him sideways, furrowing your brows while you think of what to tell him. “What do you wanna know?” you ask, trying to see if there was anything specific.

“Everything,” he returns, “you said you used to hunt for food, tell me about that.”

You explain to him your life during your younger years before joining the X-men, hoping it’ll make him tired or at least bore him to sleep. Your past wasn't all that interesting, but he proceeds to ask you questions, showing he was following along. 

Eventually you guys make it back to the mansion, you go and wake everyone up, except Logan who must have woken up shortly before you arrived. Everyone either hits the showers or immediately goes to crash in their rooms. But you sought out Scott once again. 

He was alone in the laboratory, sitting on one of the cold, metal tables. You watch him from the doorway, his back facing you, but you can hear the pain he's in, see it in the way his body tenses everytime he presses on the wound. There's gauze scattered around the floor below him, all drenched and stained with blood. 

He hisses when he presses another to his wound, his hands shaking from the pain. You walk in quietly, placing a hand on his bare back while you move in front of him. “Didn't want to ask Hank for help?” you ask, slowly reaching down to grab his hand and pull it off his wound. He flinches at your touch but allows you to pull his hand and the gauze away. 

“Didn't want to wake him,” he responds, watching you stare at the wound. “This is a pretty deep wound, Scott,” you say, brows furrowing as you take a closer look, “you wont need stitches but it’ll scar.”

“I know.”

“You need to stop treating yourself like a machine,” you sigh, moving away from him to grab a rag, wetting it with warm water and then walking back, “you keep this up you’ll end up falling apart. Hold still.” 

You carefully rub the area around the wound, cleaning up the blood that has spilled onto his skin. Then you pat it dry with the dry side before tossing the rag aside and moving to dig in the drawers for more gauze and bandage. 

“You need to take better care of yourself,” you continue, pressing the gauze on the wound and carefully wrapping him up with the bandage. You feel his warm hand against your face, making you look up at him. His blood gets on your skin, the deep red color leaving its mark. 

You stare up at him, but keep your expression still. “You have such big, beautiful eyes,” he says quietly, barely a whisper. You reach up, resting your hand on his and nuzzling your face into his palm. You close your eyes, letting out a quiet sigh as you take in his scent.

 “More a doe than a wolf,” he murmurs, you open your eyes to look at him, “I wish I could see them more clearly.”

You press your nose to his palm, inhaling his scent again. Scott’s scent is much deeper than just whatever body wash he uses or cologne. You think of it like perfume.

His top notes, what everyone else smells, fresh laundry, slightly floral. His middle notes were amber, a dash of nutmeg. His base notes, the scent you can smell. Pine and sandalwood, aquatic. He had a type of woodsy musk that you loved, reminded you of home. You can smell it through the metallic scent of his blood. 

He always wonders what he smells like to you. Logan describes him to smell different than Scott expected, but with you, maybe it was different.

You could stay here for hours, face in his hand, the ambient sound of machines humming. What was strange about this, you and Scott weren't even in a relationship. You shared these moments of skin to skin contact as often as time would allow, but in secret. The team doesn't know, and in your eyes they don't have to know. People like Jean or Charles have an idea, Logan definitely knows from the way you simply talk about Scott. That man can figure out anything. 

His hand moves from your face, his fingers brushing your lips as he pulls away, staining them red. “Sorry,” he mutters, noticing the large bloody mark on your cheek. You don't say anything, instead you bring your fingers to your lips before swiping your tongue over to clean up the blood.

He hops down from the table, picking up his bloodied gauze, throwing it in the trash, and then picking up his shirt. Your eyes follow him, watching him move about the room before heading to the door. He pauses before looking back at you. 

“Get some rest,” he says simply, the ghost of a smile on his face before he turns off the light and disappears down the hallway.

It felt a lot colder in that room after he left.

My last little drabble with him (for now). I need to focus on finishing the two halloween fics I'm working on. Maybe I'll turn this into a long fic if anyone is interested? This is loosely inspired by this twitter post.

[always-sleeepy-headd]

Happy Birthday, Your Present Is Angst Because I'm Tired and Kinda Emo Inside

This was written for Cross's birthday ages ago and I'm only now posting it lol (Sorry!)

Summary:

It's Cross's birthday today, he wants to forget and he tries his hardest too. Although it never seems to work and just leaves him with more scars and more pain.

Cross is beginning to love that pain.

Notes:

Cross burns himself so if you don't think you can handle that I just wanted to let you know.

Also he purges and I know that's a sore spot for a lot of people including myself but I'm tiny bit of a masochist lol (I actually enjoy writing about things that have happened to me or to someone dear to me and projecting on my poor Crossyboo 😔✊)

Don't purge guys, it's not good and can seriously damage your body, and if you have before, I got you babes everything will be alright <3

Even if you're just going through a tough time right now remember everything is temporary, you and I, the world, sadness, you name it, we'll all make it through if we keep trudging on!

_________

Cross wasn't the type for celebrations, it made him nervous and want to hide under something while everyone just chatted it up like they weren't all dead.

He was sure nobody knew this year though, just like the last, and the one before that. A third unnoticed birthday is what he was hoping for when he checked the time this morning, he could go on with his usual day and hopefully not pass out again.

That was really close with Nightmare the other day, he was out training for an especially excessive time and Nightmare came in and had told him to take a break and Cross had barely registered him.

He had turned to the noise but all he heard was a ringing in his ears, he heard Nightmare's voice a second time and he was able to make it out then, "And take a shower or something."

As soon as he heard the door close he had stumbled and blacked out, it was only for barely a minute thankfully. When he got up he found himself on the floor and his heart beating quickly, thank the skies nobody had come in just then.

He had eventually managed to get up and take a shower before being called down to eat dinner, it was a very strange tradition for someone like the Bad Sanses, they always ate meals together. But honestly if you really think about it it makes sense, Horror needed to know everyone was eating, he could go into panic mode if not.

It also made it easier to figure out if something was wrong with someone, that's one of the reasons meals were dreaded in Cross's mind.

That and the fact he can barely handle eating the food, much less keeping it down, and don't get him wrong, Horror's an amazing cook... he just can't. Especially when he's already frustrated with himself.

He barely made it though dinner, Nightmare gave him a few looks but he must have chalked whatever it was up to low self worth and Cross overworking himself, which was what Nightmare thought were the only things wrong with Cross, making it so much easier for him to do what he does next.

Cross's nightly routine always starts hunched over a toilet throwing up his insides and silently crying while doing so, this was easy to do without Nightmare noticing because Dust almost always had at least a small freak out during this time of evening.

Then when he's done throwing up anything and everything he's eaten and kept down he collapses onto the floor and desperately rummages through his box of 'special' things, pulling out a lighter and lighting it across his bone.

The intensity of the heat calms him while at the same time making him restless, he needed something, something.

Anything.

He would burn and burn and he would even shed a few tears at the pain, just to do it again just to feel the heat of reality mix with fiction.

It was like a dream.

A terrible, awful, dream.

That would eventually bring him to today, he was putting on his overly complicated outfit again and would stare into the mirror as he splashed water on his face.

It was cold.

He wanted heat.

The pain of his burns hurt, he wanted more, more, anything for feeling and control, he would run them under cold water and this was the time of day Chara would say something to him. Chara would run off away from him to look for Killer to watch him play video games or mess with the others.

It was always along the lines of, "Cross, this is seriously getting bad," Or, "I think you should let that heal at least before doing it again..."

Cross didn't trust those words, not from Chara, not from anyone.

He walks down the stairs only to see an unhappy Nightmare and a on the verge of a panic attack Dust.

That was not a great thing to start his morning with, oh well he'll just ignore it at least means the attention will stay far away from him this morning.

Cross doesn't bother a good morning, he didn't feel like speaking. Nor did he really ever but that's life.

He walks into the kitchen to see how Horror's doing as he does every morning but Horror seems quite on nerve so Cross doesn't walk too far into the kitchen, it was a small gesture but very much noticed by the big guy.

"Good... morning Cross," Horror starts, sounding a little on edge, "The boss told me to keep everybody occupied this morning... although I know you usually train.. I was wondering if you'd help me out...?" He asks.

Cross was startled but he would never say no to someone asking for help, it's a habit he could never sway, he nodded but in a more 'are you sure?' way.

"Thanks... I asked Killer but... you know how he is..." Horror says, shuffling around, seemingly understanding Cross's not speaking as him not being up to conversation and handing him a bowl and some chocolate.

Cross gives him a questioning look, "Just... heat up the chocolate so it melts..."

"A-" Cross attempts but his voice fails him, "I- Is there a specific reason that I'm heating up... chocolate...?" Cross asks, they didn't usually even have chocolate in the house, let alone anything sugary but it seems Horror either had a stash or got this special to make something.

"Wanted... to make something." That was enough for Cross, he didn't care to question it any further, besides he really just wanted to get Horror's approval.

Cross, without a word, easily heated up the chocolate over the stove, it began to bring back memories of his AU he didn't want surfaced.

The sound of laughter, the taste of chocolate in his mouth, his arms didn't hurt, the worst he felt was a little sore. Speaking to everyone, not holding his tongue, no, actually feeling the urge to speak real words out loud.

The smell of chocolate cake, kind words he'll never hear again-

His palm burning.

Cross blinked in surprise and lifted his arm off of the stove quickly, he had accidentally set it down on the burner and hadn't noticed, the feeling already so normal to him.

Horror looked over at the sudden movement and asked him what was wrong.

Cross didn't respond.

The words were so caught in his throat, they refused to leave, he didn't want to speak, he didn't want to speak, he didn't want to-

"Cross." He hears a powerful and commanding voice that was unmistakably Nightmare's.

Still he didn't speak but his hand fell from where he was apparently clutching it.

"Is something upsetting you Cross? I can feel your emotions you know, so it would be best not to lie, I will know." Nightmare asks, Cross barely understanding.

Nightmare wanted him to speak.

He didn't want to speak.

He turned towards Nightmare, but still he couldn't even manage to get his mouth open.

"Cross, respond to me." He says and Cross could barely even think, his brain suddenly filled with images of his family's death.

A death of his own, maybe.

And then, his lack of food and therefore energy caught up to him yet again, he stumbled and then blacked out.

...

When he awoke he lay on the couch with a damp washcloth on his head and a bandaged hand, he almost panicked but realized his arms had no such care, Nightmare hadn't felt the need to check for other injuries thank gods.

Cross sat up and took the washcloth off of his head, staring at his hand for a moment before a smell hit his nose.

Chocolate cake.

He couldn't handle this, not right now, not ever.

It was his birthday, a day that he dreaded every year now, October 10th, the day Cross was born.

A day he considers to be the worst day of his life.

Celebration was no more, he needed a way out, he needed to get his frustration out, he needed to burn every piece of bone on his body until it was unusable, then use it anyway.

"Cross, you're awake." Nightmare says, startling slightly.

Cross didn't say a word.

"What's going on, you've been strange all week, more so than normal. Your little nightly negativity bursts have been getting larger and more prevalent every night, I think now is when I interfere." He sighs and Cross almost gasps, Nightmare knew something was wrong.

He didn't want to speak, his body would not let him.

He wanted to cry, his body could not.

He wanted to burn, he wanted to burn, he wanted to burn, he wanted to burn-

"Cross. Are you listening to me?" Nightmare's voice suddenly bursts through his thoughts of self harm. "Cross I'm not kidding, have you suddenly gone mute?" Nightmare says, his voice turning stern but softening a second later, "I promise I won't judge if something is bothering you."

Cross manages to open his mouth this time, nothing comes out though. So he closes it, unsaid words threatening to spill out now and that scares him more than not being able to get anything out.

Nightmare sighs, "At least tell me what happened, Horror was terrified..." Nightmare mumbles.

Cross opens his mouth again, but this time it worked, "I... got distracted..." He manages to mumble, his voice hoarse from little use.

Nightmare sighs again, "Distracted how? You end up with a burn on your palm, which you should have noticed right away if you had your hand on the burner by the way, that's really weird and you might need to figure out what that is supposed to mean, Horror is concerned you haven't been eating enough and passed out due to lack of malnourishment, although I'm going to guess it was overexertion, but then again you just woke up-" Nightmare sighs a third time, "My point is, what the hell got you so upset?"

"Ch-" Cross coughs slightly, rubbing his throat, "Chocolate..." He muttered, "The smell reminded me of something."

"...Oh boy." Nightmare says, realizing this was probably a mistake.

"...What...?" Cross mumbles.

"I think I should just show you, follow me." Nightmare says, gesturing to a door.

Cross got up and followed Nightmare without a beat, anything to get his mind off of his-

...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY CROSS!" Mostly Killer yells, Cross is suddenly hit with a dump truck of emotions.

"I- I- H- How- I don't-" Cross whispers just loud enough for everyone to hear.

"You told me one time when I was upset about something." Dust says, who happens to be covered in colorful streamers.

"And you told me when I was half asleep!" Killer yells excitedly, he's covered in silly string and Cross realizes that Nightmare has a tiny piece of it on his shoulder.

This made him cry.

He didn't cry in front of others, it was so taboo in his brain.

It wasn't sobs, it was just tears, he barely changed expressions.

Everyone looked startled, they had been expecting Cross to say they didn't need to or maybe even get a small smile out of him, not tears.

Killer immediately ran over when he realized what was going on, "Hey, hey, what's wrong? I thought birthday parties were supposed to be happy?"

Cross couldn't explain so it came out in sobs, Killer grabbing onto him while Cross cried on his shoulder.

Killer caught Nightmare's gaze and gave him a panicked look and Nightmare just shook his head.

...

Once Cross had calmed down and there were just occasional sniffles every now and then, they had moved one of the couches, "So... is this why you've been acting strange this whole week then?" Nightmare asks.

"S- Sorry." Cross mumbles.

"Do not apologize for things you are not at fault for."

"Sor- uh."

"Poor Crossy baby, he can't stop being a people pleaser~" Killer says, smooshing his face against Cross's in a manner that could be taken as mocking but Cross knows Killer well enough to know it isn't, still doesn't stop him from shoving him off though.

Killer is undeterred, he just hugs onto Cross harder.

"...Are you... okay?" Horror asks, looking worried.

"...Yeah. I'll live." Cross mumbles an 'unfortunately' afterword that only Killer and Nightmare could hear, Killer squeezed a little tighter at hearing that.

"Why did you pass out...? Do you... know?" Horror asks.

"..." Cross can't bring himself to tell them the way he treats himself when they aren't looking.

"You do know, don't you?" Nightmare asks, his tone only slightly accusing, Cross flinches either way.

"Criss-Cross, are you doing something to yourself?" Killer asks.

"Yes." Is the only word that Cross can manage to get out of his mouth, everyone's frown deepens at the sound of it.

"What...? If I may ask." Nightmare says, even though it sounds like you have a choice, you'll have to tell him anyway, he'll just ask you when nobody is around.

"I can barely eat..." Cross whispers, "And when I manage too, I throw it all up, I can't keep food down anymore, I don't even need to make myself throw up anymore... I can do it on command."

"...What?" Horror says, looking horrified.

"I'm sorry..." Cross says and his voice starts to waver, tears threatening to spill again.

Suddenly Chara's voice pops in, "What about your arms?" They say, "I know you already told them some of your bullshit but every morning when I see them they get worse."

"That's not... the only thing..." Cross mumbles, clutching at his sleeves.

"Of course it isn't." Nightmare sighs.

"..." Cross slowly rolls up his sleeves and a series of gasps and exclaims are heard, one from Nightmare as well.

"W- What the hell are you even doing???" Dust asks, his horror not even hidden.

"Burning." Cross says.

"... How much is there?" Nightmare asks.

"All over my whole body... but mostly my arms." Cross says, wincing.

"I- I don't even know-" Nightmare says, seemingly astonished. "You know what? Come here, let me heal you."

...

Cross was super embarrassed the entire time Nightmare was healing despite Nightmare telling him that it was fine over and over.

It... went away.

The burn is gone.

He needs the burn, the painfully awful heat on his bones to stab at his regret and shove it so deep down it disappears momentarily.

Nightmare notices his... unhealthy... thoughts and lets out a frustrated sigh, "Cross, you do know you're definitely not allowed around lighters anymore right?"

"Okay." Cross says, his emotionless stature coming back, but Nightmare, being so close to him, could feel the addiction in his aura, the temptation and pain that Cross was so good at hiding.

Nightmare frowns at this.

"Come on, I thought we hit something and you wouldn't be an emotionless robot around us anymore." Killer grumbles and Nightmare sends a glare his way, Cross knew Killer was actually worried about him though.

Throughout his entire time at Nightmare's he's seen everyone but Nightmare cry before, Nightmare obviously has his own problems though, he's seen him flinch when he gets glared at or Killer and Dust's roughhousing gets a little too close to him and a hand goes up near him.

They never seem to notice though, they just keep going and Nightmare will sigh and tell them to be nice and that he's going to take a nap. He never does though, he goes and sits in his library and reads what are 'not' romance novels. Cross had seen it himself, Nightmare was reading a book that Cross had read and of what he remembers it was all schmoopy feelings and smut.

He leaned over and said, "Whatcha reading there?" He giggles as Nightmare flinches and turns his head around quickly, his face turning extremely confused as it was not normal for Cross to act like this at all.

"Sorry about startling you, I just recognized the book you were reading." Cross says, holding back giggles.

The horror that showed on Nightmare's face when he said that was unmatchable with anyone he's ever seen die at the hands of any of them.

"You. Didn't. See. Shit. You hear me?" Nightmare had said, Cross replying with a thumbs up and giggling a little.

Nightmare was interesting, although seeing Killer cry was the craziest thing Cross thinks has ever happened.

Killer was supposed to be emotionless, he wasn't supposed to feel anything at all.

And the funny thing about it was that Killer wasn't crying about regret, or his own sadness, or even for someone dead.

Killer was crying about a fake comic about two cats.

Nightmare's face when he heard Killer's sobs in the corner of the room was completely shocked, Killer per usual was sitting on the bright pink beanbag in the corner of the room that had been there as long as Cross has and longer.

As it was just Cross, Killer and Nightmare home at the time, they both had looked over immediately and seen Killer sobbing over his phone, Nightmare had run over as quickly as he could and asked what was wrong.

"The cat dieddd!" Killer responds, sobbing into Nightmare's shoulder.

"...What?" Nightmare had said, confused as ever.

This was also the first time Cross had heard of Color, apparently Color had sent Killer a link to this super cute cat comic about two cats who were siblings but then a human killed on of them near the end of the comic, Color had also apparently sent that 'watch this being back your emotions' and Killer had been like, okay, whatever I guess I'll read it.

But then the cat died and he started sobbing.

Cross had felt bad but then he realized the hilarity of the situation and started to uncontrollably giggle.

Nightmare had looked at him and given the most 'are you kidding me' face in the world and Cross started to laugh more.

Killer's face when Cross started to laugh was so...

Let's just say there was no words to describe the mix of hurt and then awe at Cross's laughter.

Cross didn't emote, that was how it was and how Cross thought it would always be.

Nightmare was the first to change that, then Killer started to hang out with him after that, Cross never realized how funny Killer was. It was hard to see through the insensitive bitchass Killer was when he first met him.

Killer had... changed in his eyes a lot since then, like right now, with Killer hugging on his arm that had already been healed to the best of Nightmare's ability.

Like right now? Killer was the cutest thing Cross thinks he's ever seen.

Killer and Cross weren't dating, neither of them were good enough with their own feelings to deal with eachothers. They liked each other, maybe.

That's how it was and Cross didn't mind, Killer wasn't as much as a bitchass as he'd first thought.

"My apologies about all the festivities Cross, we just were excited that we finally found out when your birthday was and didn't think about how you hadn't said anything for the past three years, or how it might have painful memories attached to it." Nightmare says, finishing with his other arm.

"... I'm fine, I just..." Cross sighs, "My birthday was never a bad thing before... It's not like I have these terrible birthday memories, it just reminds me of... my AU." Cross says, stopping himself before he says family, he couldn't call them that, it hurt too much to think of how they were gone.

"I understand, if you want us to ignore it from now on we will, but I think it might help if your memories of your birthday are not all of things that cause you pain." Nightmare says and Killer nods and whispers.

"I got you a special present." he says in Cross's ear, seemingly excited about it.

"Okay," Cross says, talking feeling so much easier than usual, "I think you're right..."

"Yay!" Killer exclaims, "I can't wait to show you what we got you~!"

Cross exhales and smiles a little at Killer, who sees it and his eyes light up in a triumphant way. "I knew you could smile." He says, getting in Cross's personal space a little.

Suddenly, Cross knew everything would be okay.

[aurorafables]

From the Grey, Chapter 10.

Hey :) I'm back with this story, and you may not have to wait so long for the next part.

Pairing: Noah Sebastian X Nicholas Ruffilo

Warnings: 18+, Explicit, Angst, Past character death, Suicidal thoughts

Tags: M/M, M/F, Slow burn, Childhood friends, Friends to lovers, Family drama, Band fic, Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, P in v sex

Word Count: 4.1k

Cross-posted: AO3

10.

The endless roads, sleeping to the monotonous sound of the bus engine, cities that change every day, crazy fans, flashing lights, staying overnight, brushing your teeth in the morning at a gas station, unhealthy food, playing video games until sunrise, the total loss of time, the chaos in your internal clock, Jolly's silly jokes, Folio and his hyperactivity, Noah's toothy smile, his voice after waking up, the smell of his hair when he rests his head on my shoulder exhausted... 

It was the enthusiastic roar of the audience that pulled me back to the present. I was standing on stage, Noah was talking to the crowd, and for a moment I completely lost touch with the outside world as I watched him. It can't become my routine when I'm in front of everyone. I quickly turned around with the guitar around my neck and bent down to get my water to get some time. I'm not a spectator now, I'm part of the band and I'm working, I muttered to myself as I took a few sips. I can call myself really lucky, because this and also the tattoo work are amazing, so I can't screw it up. The boys count on me. I brushed back my locks of hair from my face and looked up at Folio, who was smiling at me from behind the drums. I returned the gesture and turned back to face the audience. The show went on.

We played Too Close To Touch for the fourth time that week in Keaton's memory, but none of the times were as moving as that night. Noah's voice was full of pain as he sang a duet with his friend, who had already moved among the angels, and the few hundred people who witnessed him lay his whole heart out in front of them on that stage, making himself infinitely vulnerable. I watched worriedly, even though I knew he wouldn't break, he was much stronger than that. During the guitar solo, he looked back at me over his shoulder. Dark shadows fell on his face, his gaze became veiled and he looked at me almost pleadingly as his lips trembled. He shook his head barely perceptibly. Then he broke his gaze and walked over to the drums to take a sip. No explanation was needed, I just looked into his expressive eyes to guess what he meant. I have been in that place created by despair, anger and fear. When you are afraid of losing someone very important to you.

"Noah, the sun is slowly shining on you," I entered the room after I finished showering. I just pulled my jeans up, then knelt on the bed we'd shared for months and pulled out the blackout. "We have to go to the salon, otherwise Michelle will be really mad."

The boy lying on the bed was unaffected by my words. He pulled the blanket over his head, completely disappeared under it, and turned onto his side.

"Noah, doe, what's wrong?" I asked with furrowed brows, because it wasn't typical of him. Of the two of us, I was the one who hated mornings more, not him.

"I don't think I'm going in today," he whispered in the pile of blankets. “Will you tell Michelle I'm sick?”

I carefully pulled the blanket off his head. Noah blinked tiredly at me, his auburn hair spread across the white pillow and he was much paler than usual. Her pale freckles almost glowed on her skin and her lips were completely dry. 

“What's wrong?” I asked again, now full of concern. “Are you not feeling well?”

“I think I caught something, maybe when…” but he couldn't finish because he started coughing. I remembered that he was already coughing and wheezing the night before when we came up the stairs. When the coughing stopped a little, I ran my hand over his forehead.

“I don't think you have a fever. But there's antipyretics in the drawer if needed.”

"I just need to rest a little," he said quietly, because it seemed that even talking was too tiring for him.

I knelt next to the bed so that our heads were at the same level.

“You must promise to call if you feel worse.”

Noah smiled languidly, flashing his sweet, snow-white bunny teeth.

“Go to work, because Michelle is going to be mad,” he quoted my words. “And don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'm not going anywhere,” he added, and his eyes were already starting to close.

We got off the stage before the last three songs and the first thing I did was hug him. I caught him unexpectedly, he froze for a moment in my arms. The microphone was wedged uncomfortably between our chests, my guitar lodged in my hipbone, we were both sweaty, but none of that mattered. We both needed this. We understood each other without words, and we assured the other without words that we were there for each other, no matter what happened. 

I remembered how scared I was when he called me. I just tattooed the calf of a nice woman, and left everything there without reason. I threw the tattoo machine on the small table, tore the gloves off my hands, and waved an apology to the guest, who fortunately was understanding because he heard our conversation. Noah was crying, gasping, and afraid he was going to die. He complained of constant sharp pain in his right side from his shoulder to his abdomen. And I called the ambulance because I knew it was a big problem. I heard it in his voice. I didn't wait for the bus at the two stops, instead I ran home as if my life depended on it. 

I arrived at our apartment together with the ambulances, I let them in. My hands were shaking as I took the key out of my pants pocket and panted frantically. Noah was still in bed, but in much worse shape than he had been when I left for work a few hours ago. He gasped for breath as if he was having a panic attack, but something told him it could be something more serious. The medical staff flocked into the small room and got to work. They asked when it all started, where his pain was, then they took his blood pressure and felt his abdomen. The doctor touched him with extreme caution, quietly trying to calm him down. I can't put into words how grateful I was that she was as careful with him as I would have been. She told Noah that it would be all right, and I clung to that catchphrase. An IV was inserted into his vein and one of the nurses said something about his blood oxygen level, but I didn't really catch it. They put an oxygen mask on him and decided they needed to take him to the hospital. I stood in the door of the room with my feet completely rooted, I didn't understand what the hell was going on. The doctor must have taken pity because she came to me while the others were putting Noah on the stretcher.

"Your friend is in a bad condition, but his life is not in danger either. Further tests are required, which we can do at the hospital. Where are his parents? According to his papers, he is only sixteen years old."

"I... he... he doesn't have parents," I stammered.

“Who is his guardian?” asked the young woman. It was half on my tongue that I was, but I quickly shook my head to get my thoughts in place.

“His grandparents.”

“Can you notify them?”

My eyes drifted to Noah's phone lying on the floor, then I nodded.

“I can call his grandmother.”

“That would make our job easier,” she nodded with an encouraging smile. “Can you gather some things for him while we take him in for examinations? Clothes, pyjamas, toiletries…”

“Of course.”

She nodded again, then looked at Noah, whose cough was muffled by the oxygen mask.

“Do you know if your friend has an eating disorder?”

“No, he… he was always so thin. He's under a lot of stress... he's always upset about something, but no... ,” I mumbled back and forth.

“Air may have entered the pleural cavity, because of this his lungs can't do their job properly, that's probably why he's sick” she told me, but I just watched Noah start to be pushed towards the door.

“Can I say goodbye to him?” I asked the doctor, who nodded. I walked over to the side of the stretcher and took Noah's hand, the one that wasn't pierced. His skin was covered in cold sweat, the mask fogged up in front of his nose and mouth with every exhalation.

“Everything will be okay, doe, I'll see you soon.”

Noah squeezed my hand and we let go and he was led out of the apartment. After a few moments, I was standing alone in the room, in total silence, and wrapped my arms around myself. I didn't want to cry. Then I realized that there was no one there to keep me strong. 

Noah ended up spending three days in the hospital, and his grandmother—whom I met for the first time then—helped arrange for me to be in with him most of the day. Maybe we had different views, maybe she wasn't a model grandmother, but at least she loved Noah, even though she didn't know how to express her feelings.

The crowd demanded an encore and Noah started squirming in my arms. I let go of him and watched as he stepped back with a smile and put his earpiece back on. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Folio and Jolly watching us, then as if I caught them, they quickly looked away. Jolly began to tune his guitar and Folio examined the toe of his shoe. 

"Let's play the remaining three songs," Noah said a little louder for the others to hear as Matt began the intro to The Death Of Peace Of Mind. He turned on his heel and strode onto the stage.

I climbed off the bus in downtown Chicago, in the parking lot of our hotel, with numb legs. I took a deep breath of the smog-filled air, then stretched my arms toward the sky. It was late afternoon, the sun was just setting, and people were on their way home from work. We usually started work at this time, but that day we had a day off. 

“Do you have any plans for tonight?” Noah asked as he stepped next to me.

“I don't think so,” I shook my head. “I'd rather just rest and such.”

“We must take advantage of the fact that we can sleep in a comfortable bed," he said with a smile.

“I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.”

“Guys, I still need to talk to the reception to clarify the reservation.”  Matt approached us with a tablet in his hand. “But twenty minutes, and you can occupy the rooms.”

“I'm going for a walk and I'll make a call,” I picked up my mobile phone. “Shall I return your hoodie?” I asked Noah. He gave it to me on the way, because after lunch I was sleepy and a little cold, and my own clothes were packed in my big suitcase.

“Will be okay later,” he answered and ran after Matt towards the entrance of the hotel.

I took a cigarette out of my pocket, lit it, and started walking towards the crowd flowing down the street. Maya had already sent several messages saying she wanted to talk, and something told me it would be best if the others didn't overhear this call. My plan was to sit in a cafe, in some quiet corner, but I ended up buying a hotdog from a street vendor and headed for the nearby park that I saw on Google Maps. I had to walk all the way to the small artificial lake in the middle to be able to make a phone call. Even the noise of the cars filtered in there. Maya answered the phone quickly, she probably didn't get home from work that long.

“Hello, Nick.”

“Hi, Maya. You wrote that you wanted to talk…”

“Oh... that was last night.”

I closed my eyes for a moment. I know she wanted to talk yesterday and I managed to ignore her.

“I was too tired after the concert,” I answered, which actually reflected reality.

“It's okay, it's not that important, it's just... I was thinking a little. About us.”

I leaned forward, my elbow resting on my knee. Maybe she will end up breaking up with me over the phone? It was strange that she didn't bring up the case, because I didn't call her back the day before. There was a short pause in the effect, which was so nerve-wracking that my feet began to squirm nervously on the gravel floor. 

“Will you tell me?”

“I was thinking that maybe a baby would be good for our relationship.”

I asked her to repeat it again because I couldn't hear her well. She said the same thing a second time while I looked out of my head with wide eyes. I expected something completely different. That she will fight with me. That she's holding us accountable for the fact that we haven't spoken in days. That she brings up, our relationship no longer makes sense. But this topic surprised me so much that I suddenly didn't even know how to react.

“This is very bad timing,”I answered her in an emotionless voice.

“And will there be such a thing as good timing?” she asked back. “Nick, you are thirty years old. Would having a child really be so weird?”

No, that wasn't the weird one. Rather, it never occurred to me that I wanted a child from her, but I was too polite to say that.

“It's not about how old I am. The band is soaring, and now it's taking up all my energy,” I answered her and started kicking the stones under my feet.

“Of course, because Noah needs to be babysat all the time.”

“It has nothing to do with him,” I answered, and it really took a lot of effort not to raise my voice. I was tired of her always bringing Noah up when something didn't go the way she wanted it to.

“So what? What are we waiting for?” she asked phlegmatically, which made me lose my composure.

I let out a laugh in agony that echoed through the trees like the laughter of a madman.

“Do you really wanna know what I want?”

“And you care what I want?” she asked back.

“You want to chain yourself to me with a child,” I said my thoughts because I couldn't hold it in anymore. “You feel that we are slowly moving away from each other, and you think that a baby can solve everything. Sorry, this is not working for me… our relationship has been screwed for months now.

I finally said the obvious, and it was as if a huge stone fell from my heart. I could breathe again.

“Do you mean that you want to break up?” Maya asked softly.

I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes under my glasses.

“I'm sorry... I didn't mean to be so harsh.”

“You know what, Nick? Don't be sorry! You better fuck off! And I fucking hope I'm not pregnant with your baby!” she shouted, then she finished the call.

After that I sat and stared at the dark screen for several minutes. When I was already cold because the sun had completely set, I left the park and started walking the streets, thinking, did I screw up? In the beginning, everything was as beautiful as in a fairy tale. I felt like I was in love, but after a few months the feeling disappeared, like it wasn't really there. What happened in the meantime? I put my hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt because it was getting colder. It was completely dark and there were far fewer people around me. Was Maya right all along and is it all because of Noah? Because of my sick emotions that are starting to dominate me more and more? If it wasn't for Noah… no, I couldn't get into that thought, because that was enough to make my chest tighten painfully. I couldn't imagine my life without Noah. I was sure that if he wasn't there, I would feel like I was missing something…someone. 

I found myself with the pavement running out from under my boots as I made it to the shores of Lake Michigan. I didn't know how long I'd been walking, so I pulled out my phone to check the time. It was already past eight, which meant I was over an hour away from the park. I sighed tiredly when I saw that I had received a bunch of messages. I looked around the illuminated beach. A larger group of young couples and a group of high school students were nearby. I sat down on the sandy beach and opened the messages.

Jolly asked if I would like to sit with them somewhere for a drink, then sent the name of the place, which was finally chosen with Folio. And Matt asked if I was still alive, if he should call the police.

“Everything is fine, I just came for a walk,” I texted him back before he actually sent half the FBI on me.

When I read it back, I furrowed my brows. I hated to lie, but after all... it's not a big deal, no one kidnapped me. I just broke up with my girlfriend after ten months. This sort of thing happens, with some we decided after two years, some snapped without any signs, and I survived that too. 

"I fucking hope I'm not pregnant with your baby!" Maya's words echoed in my head. No, I don't need to deal with that right now. I tried to focus on the sound of the waves and the wind, and when I did, I imagined I was on the terrace of the house by the lake and Noah was with me. 

The next hour almost flew by, but then I started babbling while sitting still. It was 10:30 and I was thinking about walking or taking a taxi back to the hotel. When I saw that if I went purposefully, I would have to walk for just over half an hour, so I chose that. It took me another half hour to completely calm down. 

When I got to the door of the hotel, Matt almost pushed me, scooting out.

“Nick, finally! I wanted to talk to you," he began, leaving no room for words. “There is a problem with the rooms. And there was a question, would it be a big deal if you had to sleep with Noah? There is also extra bedding and a pull-out sofa. If you want to relax completely alone, it can be done, I'll tell the receptionist right away…”

“No problem, Matt.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Leave it, I wanted to talk to Noah anyway.”

Matt sighed in apparent relief.

“Okay. It's great. Noah's room is… 326,” he looked down at the tablet in his hand. “I'm sorry, Steven just arrived, and only then did it become clear that there were fewer rooms.”

“It's really not a problem,”I reassured him with a tired smile as I walked past him through the photocell door. “Sleep well!”

“You too!“ he shouted to me and started towards the parked bus.

I entered the elevator and pressed the button for the 3rd floor. When I reached the top, I easily found door 326. I have slept in so many different hotels, motels that finding my way around was no problem. I knocked on the red oak door and it only occurred to me that I didn't know how I was going to start when Noah opened the door. Should I cut right through the middle? Maybe it would be best…

But when the door opened, I couldn't even speak. A girl with jet black hair was standing in front of me in a skimpy baby blue top and black lace panties that were so see-through for even a fleeting glance that I had to catch my eye. She had a glass of champagne in one hand, while the other was leaning against the door next to her head. My first thought was to walk away amid profuse apologies and call Matt because he must have given the wrong room number, but then she spoke.

“Hello, Nicholas.” Her voice was like concentrated sugar, only much more nauseating as she blinked at me with her big blue eyes.

“Do we know each other?” I was completely shocked.

“I know you, but you probably don't know me.”

In the next moment, Noah also appeared next to her, in a string of underwear, with wet hair, and slowly everything made sense. She snuggled up to his side and wrapped her arms around his waist. 

I smiled in embarrassment and shook my head. The evening became more and more interesting, and I gave up trying to follow the events.

“I’m so sorry..”

“Nick, are you okay?” Noah asked. I heard in his speech that he also drank a lot of that particular champagne.

“Of course, I just... wanted to return your hoodie.” another lie, but I didn't even count anymore. I locked eyes with my best friend for a while. I was sure he knew I wasn't telling the truth.

“What if he joins too?”  the girl turned to Noah, interrupting the moment.

At first I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. It slowly dawned on me that she might be a fan of ours, that's why she knows me, and I remembered how upset Noah was when I innocently flirted with a girl who was at our concert, long before Maya. 

I felt burning stares on me and turned to Noah in disbelief. They both looked at me like merchandise that could be bought. 

"Unfortunately, Nick has a girlfriend," Noah finally said, grinning at her. “Although you’re right, he's the only person on Earth I'd be willing to share with.”

I felt nauseous for the second time that night, first during Maya's call, and then there, standing in the hallway of a hotel, staring alternately at Noah and his one-night stand, who was barely wearing any clothes and who he'd probably picked up at the bar in less than an hour. I wouldn't be surprised if they had been through several rounds. I wanted to end this conversation. I've never felt so uncomfortable around Noah. I pulled the hoodie over my head and pressed it into its owner's hand.

“Have a nice evening!” I forced a smile and immediately turned around. I heard Noah whisper my name, but I pretended not to notice.

I went down to reception and couldn't be more grateful when they got me a room in ten minutes. Matt wouldn't have been happy if he knew I booked it in my own name, but it didn't matter. Noah brought a girl here, who could talk about where we were on social media anytime between sex. 

I went down to the bus to get my things, then unpacked in the room and fell on the bed. As I stared at the ceiling in the light of the bedside lamp, I realized that this was not going to be good. If I want to quiet my thoughts, I have to go somewhere much louder. I sat up and took out my phone, then opened the messages. The place where the others boarded was barely ten minutes away from the hotel. So much walking can't hurt. I unzipped my suitcase and looked for my denim jacket, then I checked that I had my wallet, ID and mobile, cigarette with lighter, complete with the room card. Don't go anywhere, ten minutes and I'll be there - I wrote to the shared chat, and I was already out the door, trying to gather my hair into a messy bun on top of my head.