#but yeah is that. normal feeling because I’ve been feeling it mostly when my chronic pain flares up really bad

[cherrysnax]

it’s been like two weeks and I’m losing so much blood bros

[heesopretty]

pairings: wonbin x gn!reader

warnings: angst, chronic cheater wonbin, toxic wonbin, pathetically down bad wonbin

notes: i know this isn’t the best, but i hope it’s still fun to read because i had fun writing this 🫡

after cheating on you, wonbin thought that that’d be it.

never in his life did he envision himself offering his commitment to you after you moved on (in theory).

“…did you seriously cheat on me while i was sleeping?”

you squinted, observing the enigmatic creature in front of you. the two of you were seated comfortably on your bed, facing one another fiercely with contrasting expressions. wonbin’s expression was nonchalant.

like cheating on his partner was a completely normal and reasonable thing to do. you could immediately tell that he didn’t care, and that made you sick to your stomach—not with sadness, but with pure malice.

“last night? yeah.”

you were seething with rage.

your expression was calm with a poisonous gaze as you observed him in all his slyness.

“what do you mean by that..?”

you inquired, leaning in ever so slightly to let his words flow through your mind and settle.

“including you, i’ve taken like, seven people’s virginities since we’ve started dating.”

he admitted, appearing indifferent—to a chilling degree—at his direct assertion.

wonbin really didn’t care, did he?

you thought back to all the times in your relationship with wonbin. you remembered every date you had, every post, every text, and you could feel it all fall apart.

you could feel all of this land on you.

“ok, so can you get out of my fucking house now?”

the corner of wonbin’s lips twitched upwards.

you hated it. you hated that you weren’t sure if you felt like crying because you wanted to strangle him or because he didn’t look like he cared at all about you.

about all that time you’d spent together.

it was all thrown away, all those memories and emotions being a bunch of bullshit.

“yeah.”

wonbin got up, taking his things and casually walking to his car. as you watched his back get more and more distant, you fought everything in you to push down the lump in your throat and the tears welling up in your eyes. as you heard your breath stutter, faint sniffling, and wonbin’s car fading away, you felt your face heat up and your cheeks dampen with your tears.

just how much of your time did he waste..?

it hadn’t taken you and wonbin very long to find other people—though, saying the feelings were genuine would be anything but accurate.

while wonbin was insistent on asserting his love life (mostly the sex part) on his public story, you opted for the alternative, instead, posting cheesy posts about your new lover.

whether it was real or not was hard to discern, though, you were adamant on making it seem realistic.

just to piss wonbin off.

needless to say, it’d worked.

it irked wonbin, it really did. he didn’t like that you pretended like you never blushed when he’d enter the room you were in, he didn’t like that you acted like you never loved him, he hated how quickly you’d moved onto someone who was so subpar compared to him.

obviously, he was better, but it irked him that you didn’t see that. it was as if wonbin, the man who caught everyone’s eye was not attractive enough for you to miss.

and it pissed him off.

wonbin’s relationship was flawed too. this, he knew. by technical standards, it barely counted as one, moreso fitting a haphazard (at best) attempt at a committed friends with benefits relationship. clearly, his moral footing had been compromised, considering that even in this sort of relationship, where they were both okay with sleeping with others, he still couldn’t contain the urges to cheat.

it was pathetic too, like he was falling right into the palms of your hands even though it was supposed to be the other way around.

he hated the way you were making him feel.

wonbin stared blankly at his phone screen, thinking less than deeply about the consequences of his actions.

he wished he could say he felt bad, but he’d be lying. not when he was this desperate for your attention.

it only took so long before you broke up with your rebound, the guilt of playing with someone like that eating at you.

you were better than this; you weren’t like wonbin.

eventually, the news had reached wonbin (rather quickly). a brow of yours furrowed, irritated that wonbin still refused to leave you alone. when you saw the notification he’d sent, you audibly gasped, evidently not prepared for what he’d said.

your eyes widened, mildly shocked that he was willing to let go of his unapologetic and arrogant demeanor to sleep with you. it was a first, which was an honor, but it sounded rather silly to think that wonbin ever had a chance of getting you back after what he did.

besides, those feelings for wonbin weren’t real, why would you waste your time on him?

he’d never learn to actually love you.

you set your phone down, laying back down on your couch and staring blankly at the ceiling. you fidgeted with your hands, sighing quietly.

all you could think about?

… unfortunately, life with loyal wonbin.

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

Omgosh Hia!!! Tis a great and grand day, so for once I’m not sulking for NJ angst, or anything about Jersey actually. I wish to see some of that good good Texas angst, you know, for the funnsies! (Gosh this sounds so modern lolz, normally I don’t modern slang. Anyways we won against Texas tonight so that’s the whole reason for this XD)

YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PERSON MY DEAR FRIEND :)

(Listen I love torturing Texas sm. He just has so many angsting opportunities.)

I’m gonna out these under the cut tho, just in case.

Texas has some nerve damage in his eye and side, which is where he happened to have been given two star scars, courtesy of Mexico’s A+ parenting.

He’s VERY insecure about the tiny bit of pudge that he has. He doesn’t care that it’s not that much or that he can’t help it. He hates it. And he’s tried starving it away a few times, but he never got that far. Someone just hold and kiss the poor thing 😭

He’s ambidextrous, but he doesn’t use his left hand. Why? Well. Growing up, being left handed or using his left hand was forbidden. So um. Yeah his left hand was broken multiple times throughout his life (or at least until it wasn’t forbidden anymore) and now he either can’t feel his hand or he can feel it way too much. And it on days where he can feel it, it hurts A LOT. But he still uses it. Oh! And his hand is really shaky and tbh, I’m not sure that it healed right.

I feel like he definitely has a bunch of branding on him from when Mexico owned him.

This mf can handle A LOT of pain, or at least he’ll make it look like it cuz yknow. He doesn’t want to be scene as weak.

A vast majority of the deaths hes had were absolutely BRUTAL. And painful in most cases too. Even if they were somewhat quick deaths. Safe to say that anyone present needed new pants after.

^at least three of them were from him getting his torso crushed, and he now has a LOT of nerve damage and chronic pain in his back and torso. Mostly his back. And there’s a bunch of scarring too.

^lets not forget about Confederate repeatedly slamming him into a wall (or tree I can’t remember) until he went unconscious.

Listen- for each of his lives no matter what parents he got, he’s gone to church. And honestly, Texas was probably part of the worship team (basically the band that sings the music for non denominational and Pentecostal churches) for a LOT of them. And he absolutely LOVED it. He loved being a part of those teams with other cool people and being able to sing and all that. BUT. A lot of times, the church’s and/or his parents’ views ruined it for him and he kinda dislikes it now. And he’s trans and bisexual too so- r.i.p.

He’s the type to start dissociating when he gets yelled at and go completely nonverbal. He hates it but. He hates being yelled at more.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Texas loves cuddles, and he loves hugs, but. He CANNOT. I repeat. CANNOT. Handle having his arms and/or legs restrained from moving, since he can’t defend himself and he has no idea who has intentions of hurting him or not.

He also CANNOT handle being approached on his blind side. He might panic. He will freeze up. He can’t see whoever approached him, and he doesn’t know who they are or what their intentions are.

^and because I must, PA is an asshole and finds joy in scaring other states, mainly the bigger "tougher" states like Texas, so sometimes he’ll just sneak up on Texas on his blindside and yell "boo!" or smth. They usually end of fighting after since Texas is the type to resort to "fight" in the event that someone scares him. So um. Yeah.

[akai-kiki]

So, since I’ve been diagnosed with hEDS (bar any severe vascular symptoms being discovered in my echocardiogram 🤞) I guess I’ll ramble the thoughts that have been bouncing in my brain like an old screensaver. I guess tw for (mostly unintentional) ableism below the cut.

So… looking back, so many things make sense. My whole family and all my schoolmates thought I was making it up, but I legit had the most fragile and bendy little ankles as a kid. I routinely sprained my ankles, rolled them, etc. At least once a week but more often close to daily. I don’t really blame my classmates for not believing it… they were 6-9, and everyone around them was saying I was “dramatic” or something. But looking back, the adults in my life never bothered to check what was wrong, or if there WAS anything wrong. They just dismissed me. I spent the first 25 years of my life thinking I was weak. That straining myself with exercise would cure me (spoilers: it made me injure myself in ways I’m still fixing in physical therapy).

My chronic issues were dismissed as normal problems all my life. When I finally described them to my doctors I feel like I earned some sort of achievement: “Stun Your Doctor Into Silence.” They could not stress enough that my experiences were abnormal and harmful, and were terrified that I just suffered that in silence my entire youth. Yeah… not the greatest thing to hear, validating though it may be.

The weirdest thing though was that my mom, my abusive mom who let me develop walking pneumonia because she thought I was being dramatic about my MONTH LONG COUGH, just… agreed with my assessment. Without question. She said she was sorry, and at the time, they just didn’t know. It was a baffling moment. This is the woman who insists her years of abuse are just cruel lies I made up about her, and who goes into defensive hysterics when I would call her out. I genuinely don’t know how to react to that. Have I gotten better at explaining myself? Has she learned her le— no she fucking hasn’t, I’m not falling for that one again. But still… it felt weirdly reassuring to have her, of all people, listen to me.

I’m not sure what others can take from this. I guess just… believe your children. Listen to them. They might have problems you can’t see. Problems that, left alone, may cause a lifetime of damage and trauma.

My physical therapist asked me what gym was like as a kid. I said that I frequently got overheated, dizzy, injured and embarrassed. I couldn’t do push ups- my joints subluxated. I couldn’t run for the same reason. The only thing I was good at was, unsurprisingly, the stretching and flexibility exercises. She was pretty shocked, and said that I should have been completely excused from gym for my own health. She’s right, of course. I wonder what my life would have been like if we knew that I had a genetic disorder? It’s hard to imagine.

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

so i’ve spent a hot minute thinking that i couldn’t possibly have dysautonomia bc i don’t seem to have any clinically significant cardiac symptoms, and i finally went hunting down a symptom list and

ah.

things marked with question marks are things i don’t know how to tell if they’re clinically significant or not--i.e., blurred vision, i have extremely bad vision and have needed prescription glasses my whole life, but i’m not sure if they meant that or, like, intermittent episodes. (and i do have intermittent episodes where my eyes unfocus and i can’t see for a minute or two, but i don’t know if that’s what they mean or not.)

i have intermittent issues with swallowing where my throat feels too tight/thick to swallow properly, but i also have some pretty bad chronic underlying anxiety and stress, so no idea how to count that one.

i’ve had an echocardiogram that didn’t note any heart problems. i sometimes wake up with a racing heartbeat after i drink alcohol and when i exercise i often feel my heart race--those could be normal physcal reaction to those stimuli? no idea how to tell.

and yeah the exercise intolerance is the same as the last point--how do i tell what’s a normal level of heightened heart rate + dizziness + fatigue to get during/after a workout? i’m pretty sedentary as my norm, so i only work out for like 15-20 minutes a day right now. it seems like it could be entirely possible that i have these symptoms because i’m not tolerating exercise due to a sedentary lifestyle, not due to an underlying dysautonomic condition, but again, i have no idea how to make that distinction.

(other notes on things that i do experience for sure but might be wrong anyway: my temperature regulation is shit, but it’s mostly focused on my extremities. i have pretty bad dyspraxia and am autistic, so idk if my balance problems fall under this. same for noise/light sensitivity, i’m autistic. i don’t have incontinence, but i pee noticeably more than anyone else i know to the point that my partners lovingly poke fun at me for it. on a bad day it’s like once an hour. i don’t puke almost ever, but i’m pretty regularly nauseous just as a baseline and i just kind of live like this. my GI problems are more pain and diarrhea than they are constipation.)

and also:

like i said above, i wake up with a racing heartrate and have severe insomnia when i drink alcohol. i also have been complaining for years about how if i get too hot overnight, i can’t sleep and i break out in these awful cold sweats that give me chills and my nose starts running everywhere. is that. is that what that is???

for dehydration, stress, and tight clothing, i don’t fucking know how to tell. i’m always stressed. tight clothing exacerbates my GI symptoms and makes me feel generally physically uncomfy most of the time but i wear it anyway because it’s sexy so i’m incredibly used to whatever it does and idk how to tell. and i piss so much (like every couple hours, sometimes once an hour) that i’m constantly drinking water just as a habit. idfk.

anyway. any thoughts would be appreciated. g-d fucking knows my doctor isn’t gonna help me work this out. send help.

[theemomarshmallow]

ALL OF THIS! (Rant incoming)

I can’t do physical activities the way I used to because Lymes has been fucking with my joints since I got it. Yeah I can lift weights, I also suffer after.

I can’t do high energy activities because of the chronic exhaustion I always have no matter how much sleep I get.

I can’t stay in places with more than one source of noise for too long without noise cancellation because it will set my nervous system on fire and make me want to scream and I will sob hysterically. It scrambles my brain so much and I can’t think straight. Then I have to stop whatever I was doing and go to another room to just ride it out. Because if I try to stuff it down it gets so much worse. It’s fucking unfair.

Since I’ve unmasked my ability to articulate myself verbally has diminished a lot. Including temporary verbal shutdown in some instances.

Since I’ve unmasked my tolerance for stress and mild pain has diminished.

Since I’ve unmasked my slow processing is at least way more noticeable.

When I feel even slightly slighted, I completely draw away for a long while. The rejection and sometimes even betrayal I feel is so potent and sharp. Especially if it’s someone I’m close to. I am working on the rumination but some days…

And when I’m truly betrayed? Truly hurt? You’ll know. You’ll fucking know because I will not fuck with you any more after that. I may forgive but forgetting? No. This isn’t the kind of stuff I get to forget.

If I don’t watch (primarily 24th century) Star Trek and listen to music and dance/pace all at least once a day I will get very disregulated and depressed. Long enough it will limit my functionality A LOT. And I feel silly for it. It’s all I can talk about and people I think find me irritating for it. And those are the socially acceptable special interests.

Since I’ve unmasked my meltdowns have become more prominent and more painful for me. Yes, they HURT!

Im in physical and mental pain damn near constantly even with therapy and medical intervention. To the point where now some days I need a cane for my knee pain specifically on bad days now.

I have to use a calculator for even basic math problems because my brain refuses to process the numbers and symbols; leading me to make the most basic mistakes every time. Remembering long numbers? Remembering even three numbers at once? Oh come now let’s not get crazy!

And most doctors *DO NOT LISTEN* when I tell them my autistic symptoms. They will not test me without me fighting tooth and nail. And I don’t have the fucking energy to fight tooth and nail I just don’t.

And so on and on and so forth.

I’m 24 and feel like I can’t be very open about it because most will at best pity me and at worst make it all some kind of moral issue. I told my Mom the other day about my cane and the look I got…mostly confusion but something else I couldn’t place. Whatever it was stabbed me in the chest with shame. She didn’t say anything. I felt distinctly I shouldn’t have either.

All of this, especially now that I’m a parent (hell of a time to discover the ol ‘tism right). Especially since I’ve not been able to hold a job or friendships or meet general “adult�� expectations (eg. Driving, holding a job longer than maybe three months, keeping fully up with tasks like “normal” people). My babies are cared for-and then as soon as my partner is home and has settled in I need a few hours of recoup time at least. I’m fucking blessed to have him. And I struggle with it every day even though I know this is the only way I can parent effectively.

It adds to the parental guilt that always just seems to be there.

But hey I’m “high functioning” (fucking gross) so I’m totally fine, right?

I did not ask for this. I just wanted to ride my horse in the woods as a child. I just tried to fit in the best I knew how and foolishly still try to.

And all the while people will see my struggle and choose to judge. Without asking me what’s happening what need support with. They don’t care about us.

So if I complain, yeah, it sucks. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend it’s not happening at all. Talking about it is how we deal with it.

And dealing is better than ignoring.

All I wanna do is live, man.

abled people really act like if your illness or disability isn’t terminal then you’re not allowed to complain about it or grieve the life you thought you’d have and it’s so fucked up

[rain-tumbling-through-a-vent]

I’m disgusted by my own body. I’ve been spiraling for THREE AND A HALF weeks now and I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth the whole time. I think I’ve got, like, 3 or four cavities. My parents also stopped paying my medical bills so every treatment I get comes out of my own pocket. I need wisdom teeth surgery too, I spent FIVE WHOLE YEARS in braces only to fuck my teeth up after I get them off. I suck so fucking much. I can’t stop scratching out holes in my face either. I started the week with nothing but small acne sores that’d go away in a week and now I’ve got three massive gashes on my face. That’s not even to mention the fact that I didn’t take a shower for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. I’m so fucking disgusting, why can’t I hyperfixate on being healthy or making myself beautiful? Oh yeah, MY MIND IS A PRISON THAT I CANNOT EVER ESCAPE. When I finished my shower yesterday, I pulled a hairball the size of both my fists put together off of my wet brush. I have curly hair so shedding in the shower is pretty normal, but that much hair? It’s too much! I’m scared to take a shower again and pulling enough hair out to create a bald spot. I already broke a whole lick of hair off right at my hairline so that it looks like I have the worst bangs ever. It also doesn’t help that my arms, back, and thighs are covered in scars from where I picked at sores. And when I say covered, I mean fuckin COVERED. I look like an ambidextrous heroine addict with really bad aim and a lying mother. And even on top of all of that, I’m a trans girl as well. So all of my failings only serve to compound the dysphoria that I feel at a base level every fucking day. I know that these behaviors are indicative of chronic anxiety and/or depression and/or adhd, but I’ve never been this bad. I’m borderline suicidal and incredibly lonely, I think I’m an extrovert with such terrible anxiety that it prevents me from refilling my energy. I think that the worst part of all of this is the fact that I have friends that want to talk to me, they just live far enough away to be too expensive to drive over for an afternoon. And I cannot properly put into words how much I HATE talking on the phone and texting. It’s too stressful trying to figure out how to get the time of a message across, and talking on the phone is just terrible. I had a long term partner of two and a half years until relatively recently. I initiated a break in the relationship because we were extremely co-dependent and had been driving apart for a few months anyways. Long story short, he ended up crossing my boundaries and being an asshole to my friends so I ended the relationship. He didn’t take it very well and now we aren’t in communication with each other anymore. The wild thing about it is we were unhealthily codependent, but I didn’t realize how much I needed him. I’ve been in a prolonged spiral ever since I pushed him away, just feeling absolutely empty and all at once overwhelmed. He was my purpose and I threw him away. All of that was pretty terrible, but almost nothing trumps my mostly fiscally supportive parents. My home life sucks and not just because I’m a fucking loser 20 year old that lives with her parents. There’s only one rule for them, one line I can’t cross, don’t be visibly trans at their house. I must note that I’m the eldest of four and all of my siblings hate me for causing my parent’s terrible mental health. They’re not wrong, but I was outed so I didn’t mean to. So one rule, you’re in the closet over here, okay that doesn’t sound so bad. Literally every conversation I have with either of them always ends up being about their feelings towards my transness. They seem to think I’ve been brainwashed by the trans agenda and am going to mutilate myself and immediately regret it. Every conversation ends like this, over and over again I’m constantly reminded that I’m an abomination or that I’m ruining my life. But here’s the real kicker, they continue to support me financially; even going so far as to offer to pay for college if I can ever get my shit together and get back over there. (1/?)

[twstdreams]

A Bouquet to Share: Flower Foraging

CYOA: Chronic Hanahaki AU

Length: 2K | ao3 link

Warnings: fluff, mentions of flu/cold

next

You’re waiting in front of the mirror for your turn to pass, behind the infamous first years. No one in NRC isn’t aware of the prefect and their friends, mostly how they perpetually get themselves in all sorts of trouble. 

“Hey, wasn’t the prefect going to be in our group?” Jack asks

“Oh, they couldn’t make it because they got sick,” Deuce answers. There’s a pause as the unasked question lingers in the air. If they’re just suffering from a passing virus or if it’s that illness.

“With a normal cold,” Ace clarifies, “Grim’s been complaining about having to take care of them.”

You think you’ve heard ten different iterations of this conversation before. Some with Octa A-kun, another with a Pomefiore duo, the same rumours and inquiries always start flying when winter is broken by spring’s warm touch. Everyone wants to know who has hanahaki and chronic sufferers are always the first suspect. People attempt to deduce who’s sick because of pollen or because of the flowers blooming in their lungs. It’s not a lethal disease with modern magic and technology, but you swear enough drama follows it to make up for the lack of imminent doom.

“Hand!” the ghost before you demands once you’re at the front of the line. You offer the back of your hand and immediately a rose is stamped on it, proof that you’re a student who has access to the Great Seven botanical gardens. Then you step through the mirror and are greeted by the site of a massive glass structure. You’re excited to explore the grounds. Each area is its own biome with unique flora and fauna which flourish in that environment. Personally, you’re hoping to see the aquatics section for fun, but you need to ensure that you complete your assignment first.

“Meet each other in the tropical region in two hours!” you text to Jamil and he responds with an affirmation. You two had already agreed to this prior to the project. Most people are wandering the gardens with their partner, but you know Jamil has his hands full with Kalim. You just hope Jamil will actually get to appreciate a couple flowers too.

Officially, the headmaster says this is a field trip for all grades because botany is useful in several fields of magic. You think it’s because a massive amount of students visiting from a prestigious school gets him some sort of discount, but those aren’t thoughts you voice out loud. Not that you care, the Great Seven Botanical gardens hosts some unique and deadly plants, even more so than the poisonous flowers allowed to bloom on campus. You can't choose a lot of them for your assignment but nothing is stopping you from visiting them if you have extra time. Plus, activities amongst different classes aren’t that common, let alone those in various years. If you’re lucky, you might see Malleus amongst the flowers.

You’ve only met Malleus at night, on late walks while perhaps avoiding a guard or two. The daffodils at the entrance remind you of your first meeting with Malleus. But you can’t recall clearly, was there only one daffodil at the spot where you met or several?

-

Staying up late the night before to cram for a test, only to crash and take a nap afterwards completely messed up your sleep schedule. No amount of staring at your ceiling was going to make you drowsy. Besides, you want to explore the campus and check out some night-blooming flowers. You spotted several during the day but hadn’t gotten the chance to see them underneath the moonlight. 

You slip out of your dorm to enjoy the slight breeze and fresh air entering your lungs. Exploring the campus at night feels a little liminal. Not to say that it was silent, some nocturnal familiars scurry around, a ghost or two floating, and more than a couple of students here and there creating background noise. But it's interesting to see a campus normally overflowing with life morph into something restful and quiet. The closer you get to the Ramshackle dorm, the more this effect becomes more pronounced.

You spot plenty of random vegetation growing on the lawns of the dorm. You’d be willing to bet a week’s worth of lunches that dorm hasn’t had real maintenance for at least a decade. Horrid for the prefect living there, you really do feel bad for them, but lots of fun for your midnight flower foraging trip. Your phone battery is dying fast with the flashlight so you test out a new spell you’ve recently learned. You murmur the incantation and a ball of light forms in the palm of your hand. You try to extend it so it acts as a familiar but the light begins to flicker so you’re stuck with having it illuminate the area around your hand. A little testing, a failure or two, and you’re able to create a soft light to guide you. Your hand is nothing but a glorified flashlight, but you can see your surroundings so it’s not a total fail. Unfortunately, what you thought was some pretty evening primrose is actually daffodils.

“How odd. You’re not one of the Ramshackle inhabitants,” a voice notes. You’re certain a ghost has come to lecture you, but you let out a gasp when you realize a living being is behind you.

“I’m, uh, yeah I don’t live here,” you admit, “Just wanted some fresh air. I couldn’t sleep.” You were honestly hoping to avoid all dorm leaders, you know some don’t take kindly to students leaving their dorm after hours, and you think some greater force must be laughing at you because somehow you’ve stumbled upon the most mysterious and powerful one.

“And you came to this abandoned building to do that?” His voice is even. You’re not sure if there’s an accusation laced in his statement or if his regal airs just make him always seem confident and a bit unfriendly.

“I thought it’d be cool to see the night-blooming flowers too,” you add, “There’s supposed to be some evening primrose and moonflowers beneath a gargoyle but I can’t figure out which one it is.” 

“I can introduce you to the correct gargoyle,” Malleus comments. Your head, which is frantically processing information and doing its best to be logical, tells you that’s probably a social cue to ask him to show you where the gargoyle is. Your mind, however, is still trying to comprehend how the heck you ended up meeting the Malleus Draconia on a weedy lawn.

“I am part of the gargoyle appreciation society,” he continues but the way his lips were pressed into a thin line indicates that you’ve spent a little too long coming up with a response.

“Oh! That’s impressive,”—now isn’t a good time to admit you didn’t know that club existed—“if you don’t mind, then I’d really appreciate it!” He nods once in acknowledgement and you begin trailing after the dragon fae. 

“Do you know about each of the gargoyles?” you ask; you ought to express interest in his passions when he’s doing you a favour. You’re not sure what to expect, but it was most definitely not an encyclopedic infodump about Ramshackle’s gargoyles.

“This is the first gargoyle, located on the entrance to the east building. Are you able to see it?” Before you had a chance to answer, Malleus casts a spell of light that creates fake fireflies which illuminate your surroundings. 

“Now I can. It kind of looks like a crow,” you answer. The gargoyle is easy to see but you think Malleus’ elegant magic is more beautiful. Your lightbulb of a hand is almost embarrassing and you quickly stop the spell.

“It is a crow, which is extremely rare for a gargoyle. This is the only one I’ve ever seen. Its quality means it must have been made by a famous craftsman. It looks like it could take flight at any moment.” He goes on about the history of the gargoyles here; you’ve never really been interested in them but the way Malleus talks about them with such excitement makes you engaged. It’s the way that extensive knowledge is intertwined with informed hypotheses while the excitement in his tone never leaves. Hearing Malleus talk about something he loves feels enchanting and endearing. His bubbling enthusiasm is cute.

“This is the gargoyle with the evening primrose and moonflowers,” Malleus announces. Once he finishes his little spiel about its history, you begin to take pictures of the flowers. You want to ask if you can take a picture of him; there’s something so odd about this experience that you want a picture to prove it is real. However, the fresh air has awaken your brain cells and they let you know that perhaps asking someone you just met for a photo in the dead of night is not the best idea. But well, Malleus has been pretty accommodating so you decide to ask for another favour.

“If you don’t mind, could you teach me that light spell?” you inquire. The surprise is evident in his expression and you wonder if you’re being too selfish.

“Is that so? You want me to help you with your spell? Interesting,” he comments and honestly, the pause makes you so nervous you regret ever opening your mouth, “Very well. Show me what you can do.” Even though you're the one who asked, you're a little surprised that the Malleus Draconia has agreed to some impromptu tutoring.

“I can summon a light but I’m having trouble making it steady after it stops making contact with my body,” you explain while taking out your wand. You murmur the incantation and a soft light envelopes your hand while illuminating your surroundings. As the light starts to float away, its shape begins to morph and looks like a blob of light which never stays a consistent shape, akin to a lava lamp. 

“You have enough magic to power the spell. The changing shape suggests that you’re having trouble imagining the outcome,” Malleus sumrises, “Why don’t you try mimicking the shape of mine?” Malleus adjusts the shape of his firefly lights into simple spheres. Unfortunately, it does not go so smoothly for you. First the light looks like a balloon, then it shrinks to the size of a marble, but when you have it at a reasonable size then the edges of the ball begin to quiver.

“I’m sorry it’s taking me so long,” you mutter. Sure, you don’t expect to be on the same level as someone as infamous as the Diasomnia dorm leader, but this feels embarrassing.

“You aren’t expected to master everything at the beginning. Don’t be shy,” he reassures. His comforting words encourage you to calm down. You take in a deep breath and start again. The light transforms into a uniform sphere—your own little sun for this corner of the world the two of you are tucked away in.

“I did it!” you exclaim, “It’s all thanks to your advice!” You toss the light between your hands before extending it to float beside Malleus’.

“You already completed the basics. I only offered some advice,” he gently protests but a smile remains on his face all the same.

“What’s the incantation to change its colour again?” you ask, and Malleus says it aloud for you to repeat. You alter your spell, dying it in your favourite colour, then allow it to dance in the sky. His luminescent green light merges with yours, and the spells twine with each other.

-

Since then you’ve taken to late-night walks for exercise and hopes of meeting Malleus. You haven’t exactly been charming—

“Are you here to admire gargoyles?” Malleus inquires when the two of you meet in the dead of night yet again.

“No, but I can,” you offer. Admitting to the ruler of the valley of thorns that you have been wandering around at night to see him again because you’re very intrigued and a little enamoured is not ideal. Luckily Malleus never questions your intent.

— but the two of you are on friendly terms now. So far no flowers were blooming in your lungs, but you’d be lying if you said a crush wasn’t taking root in your heart. But before you could linger on any hypothetical flowers, you have to pick an actual flower for your assignment! As a second year, you will have to grow whichever flower you pick back at school. 

Which flower will you choose? Vote here

White and pink carnations

Crimson astilbe (feather flowers)

Purple snapdragons

Orange tiger lilies

[tanoraqui]

okay I have to do this today because even I wouldn’t do it after the godforsaken finale airs, and it’s basically my specialty and I did spend like an hour thinking about it last night while washing dishes. Definitely partly inspired by @words-writ-in-starlight​‘s insightful post on everything Supernatural did wrong, and apologies in advance to all the characters for dragging them into anything related to Christian mythology:

Wei Wuxian’s parents die in a house fire when he’s 6(? I refuse to look anything up) months old

Jiangs are a hunter family I guess? That whole disaster of a family dynamic, except WWX dips out at some point to be idk an environmental activist bc at the time, that seems like the larger threat to the whole world. “Mom and Dad went on a hunting trip and they haven’t come back”, “bitch” “jerk”, 2 brothers in a beat-up old car, you know the drill

Jins are also an old hunting family, but more Men of Letters energy - they have a fancy bunker and do research and avoid getting their actual hands dirty. Jiang Yanli ducked out of the active hunting life a few years ago to be happily married to her peacock and settled down with a baby and she’s fine. We’re not going to bother Yanli. She’s safe and happy and doesn’t need to involved in any of this

so, WWX is the demon blood child developing exciting new abilities like telekinesis, mind control, exorcising demons by sheer force of will...etc, and Jiang Cheng is the Righteous Man. Lucifer, Michael, etc.

s1-3 probably proceeds more or less as spn canon...which I more or less remember...by the time they find their parents at the end of s1, Jiang Fengmian is...ugh, we probably shouldn’t kill him offscreen, I mean, we should probably meet him before he dies. I guess. Madam Yu lasts longer because I’m way more interested in her. But we do know that both Jiang parents are totally inclined to fling the boys into a metaphorical or literal escape boat and go hold the line for as long as possible, so...that’s spn energy...

Xue Yang is the one who’s like “fuck yeah, demon powers” and opens the gates of Hell, because I want him to have nice* things

*nice for Xue Yang

from characterization rather than memory, I’m 90% sure that Dean tried to hide his crossroads deal from Sam, but Jiang Cheng does it...better. I think it does come out, though. Right before the hellhounds do.

here’s where it starts to go farther off from spn canon. Jiang Cheng crawls his way out of the grave, gets stalked by a menacing presence that explodes windows for an episode, incidentally can’t find WWX...*Lan Wangji voice* “I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition” (a baller line then and a baller line now)...and then the next episode starts with them all awkwardly standing around, and JC is like, “ok well let’s go find my brother then”, and you think there’s going to be an mdzs-riffing JC+LWJ Roadtrip To Find WWX...and they’re immediately attacked by like a dozen demons

in fact, the first time we see WWX in s4 is here, wherein he goes toe to toe with an angel and...holds his own. that’s new and terrifying! also is leading a squad of demons??

because here’s the thing: for the last 3(?) months, there’s been war in hell

because unlike Some People Mooses, upon finding out that his brother’s soul was legally nearly-owned by a crossroads demon, heir-apparent-to-Satan!WWX went, “actually fuck that” and kicked open the door of Hell (metaphorically, not loosing any demons this time) and was like, “who do I have to beat the shit out of to get a specific crossroads contract around here”

this did not work, obv. He didn’t know until it was too late, Lilith had already snapped up the contract, etc. etc.

obviously he also tried to offer himself instead, and got rejected for some reason

Since Jiang Cheng died, however, there’s been a war for control of Hell. Leading one side, Lilith, the Original Babe, who wants to break all 666(?) seals keeping Lucifer bound and in the meantime, break the Righteous Man so Heaven won’t even have Michael’s destined host ready for the Final Battle. Leading the other side, Wei Wuxian, infamous upstart, who wants to rescue the Righteous Man and restore him to life, tear Lilith’s guts out through her nose, and also stop her from doing the Lucifer thing because Wen Qing explained that yes, that’s a Thing, and it’s Bad.

Wen Qing! I’ve decided to combine Bela and Ruby’s roles and let WQ be both the cool badass example of how demon deals can go Bad and the demon deliberately leading our heroes astray for most of s3-4. Wen Qing is a very new demon; she used to be some sort of herbalist/witch but then she sold her soul in a crossroads deal to cure her brother of some lingering illness. 10 years of happiness and then boom, hellhounds. WQ is so obviously competent, though, that they (Lilith, I guess?) immediately offers her a job, with the promise threat that gee, that’s a nice brother you’ve got there, even with his Designated Chronic Health Condition getting all relapse-y. It’d be such a shame if something were to...happen to him...

we find this out at some point in last s3 I guess? some Monster of the Week case involves WN as a witness or something, or possible next victim, and WQ shows up to be A Normal Amount Of Invested In This, while desperately trying to avoid actually interacting with her brother (who thinks she’s dead). YES, the truth comes out; YES there’s a tearful reunion

now in s4, Wen Ning is fine actually, health-wise, bc he maybe made a crossroads deal with Wei Wuxian personally, and Wen Qing may or may not have admitted that she’s supposed to be working for Lilith to get WWX ready to host Lucifer? Or potentially that comes out later, idk. Either way, she’s 100% his top lieutenant in this exciting Hell War they’re waging

[insert whatever the hell (ha) happened plot-wise in s4 of supernatural]

we obviously mix up the relationships, too, bc it’s like, *LWJ internal monologue* I’m too young to remember my brother Lucifer as he was before he Fell, but surely Wei Wuxian is his Heir and Destined Vessel in truth, for he is Charismatic and Charming and Makes Me Feel Things, with his Clearly Feigned Righteous Drive and Compassion for All God’s Creatures and - why does heat keep pooling in the lower abdomen of my vessel when I look at his lips, which I am definitely doing a Normal and Not-Weird Amount - I’m just keeping an eye out for the famed Silver Tongue, and not in any way wondering how it would feel in my own mouth -

it’s actually DEFINITELY plausible for Lucifer to still be released even if our designated Heir Apparent is using his demon powers to his full potential and no one’s lying to each other about their motives. You just need to let Lilith be more scary too, and especially bc by “no one” I mostly mean Wen Qing; the angels are still totally hiding the fact that they, too, want to jumpstart the shit out of this apocalypse.  LWJ decides at the last minute that that’s a bad idea actually, gets himself discorporated to send JC to intercept WWX because he accidentally releases Lucifer, etc. etc. Oh yeah, the boys were def fighting before this, bc JC has actually fairly reasonable concerns about the sort of things WWX is getting up to in his quest to become King of Hell...

SO

...I neither know nor care what happens in s5

it does end with both Lucifer and Michael locked in the cage probably, bc I rather liked that solution. Fuck both of ‘em, basically.

I was toying with the idea that WWX also found Madam Yu in whatever hellish torment she was suffering after making a deal so her idiot son(s) would survive, and she was leading forces for him in the war against Lilith as well. If she came back to life somehow, body and all, it’d probably be compelling if she offered her own body to Michael - bc it’s her lineage! - and we’re all led to believe that she’s, uh, being a bitch and actually wants to risk destroying the world in order to destroy all demons...but then she seizes back control and flings herself/Michael and Lucifer into the Pit, because she’s just That Hardcore?

which means we’d actually have had her around and having characterization for most of s4-5, too, which would be fun

More importantly, it ends with newly crowned King of Hell Wei Wuxian appointing Wen Qing as Queen-Regent and ditching to go on an indefinite honeymoon with his new angel boyfriend (they’re going to fuck for like three weeks straight, then roll up their sleeves and go conquer Heaven in the name of free will), and Jiang Cheng gets to live out his hitherto-unknown-to-himself life’s ambition to be the sugar baby of the Queen of Hell. It’s very Hades/Persephone, except he goes back down to the underworld at least once a month. He gets his own demon squad whom he trains up in all the hunting techniques and it’s gr9. Wen Qing is reforming the crossroads deal process to make it more fair to the humans.

the end

Addenda:

it should go without saying but Jiang Yanli is definitely a recurring character, like, at least once a season there’s a filler episode where they go to Jiang Yanli’s for dinner and have to get along as a family, and also do the much easier job of defeating some sort of terrible demon that gets loose in the bunker and turns the evening into a horror movie. She’s their main research/emotional check-in person, a la Bobby, more often appearing in later seasons when there’s, uhhh, more to emotionally check in about.

Jin Zixuan is actually a perfectly competent hunter; he’s just a priss and we don’t Like him

we like Mianmian, though. Oh, I guess the official Hunter’s Guild or w/e tries to declare WWX a public enemy on account of the whole “King of Hell” thing and she’s like “actually what if you’re morons and assholes?” and joins hte team in s4 or 5? Yeah.

idk how the 3zun disaster happens in this ‘verse but I do encourage it to be happening in slow motion as a recurring subplot for several seasons. NMJ is a hunter, LXC is obv an angel, and JGY is...I wanna say one of the more human monsters, like a vampire? Or, you know, something that could be born from JGS sleeping with someone/something he shouldn’t have

[nagichi-boop]

Thank you all for chipping in! Hopefully my reply makes sense. I forgot about this for long enough that I’ve forgotten what I already said. I also feel incredibly tired rn so idk how much that’ll impact my writing rn.

I’ll put my thoughts under a cut cuz I blab a lot.

I don’t know when my symptoms would’ve started, but looking back I could maybe see hints of it when I was 15-16? Assuming it’s BPD anyways, I’m kinda just playing devil’s advocate and writing like I do, but I acknowledge I may not have it either. Idk, I’m confused.

Anyways, I don’t remember much about my teen years, but I know I had moments where I was so angry that either myself or someone else was disturbed by it. One time I was so angry that when me and my friend sat in seats that the “mean girls” usually sat, I just said I didn’t care and I’d get sassy if I was told to move. (Yeah, stupid example, but my friend was surprised by it I think.)

And then a year or two later, I was playing an educational board game the teacher made with my friend and someone who was forced into our trio, and he was moving his piece so slowly that I was getting super mad and throwing the dice aggressively, to the point my friend told me to calm down. (Another dumb example, and in hindsight maybe rude to the other kid, but this kid also just didn’t put any effort in, which annoyed me as someone who was overly anxious about getting good grades to maintain the “gifted kid” status that was thrown onto me.)

There was also the time where I was with my friends and I guess being loud, to which my brother told me to stop. I somewhat annoyed and sarcastically said “what, stop having fun?” and he said yes, which took me from incredibly happy to super angry. But maybe that reaction is more rational? Idk how neurotypical brains work.

There are other occasions where I’ve gotten very angry, but usually it’s in private and I either internalise it or I can’t be seen. I had a friend who would vent to me but ignore any advice I gave, and I’d get so mad I’d pull at my hair and such. I eventually stopped talking to her, but she was the first of a pattern of me completely neglecting my limits and feelings in favour of trying to be nice and tolerating more than I should have. I felt I had to. And when I did get mad, even in private, I felt like I was a horrible person for being mad at someone who was venting to me. In hindsight of course, I was ignoring my own mental health and taking on too much, but I am very stuck in the people pleaser mentality, even now.

There are definitely thoughts I had and some I still have that I don’t think a normal person has. The most common one was probably wishing to become very sick/injured just to have someone care about me. I’m chronically ill, but no one cares about that. Even when I’m in pain, I mostly downplay it or people make jokes about me making a fuss. It’s only when I start crying from pain and not talking that it’s taken even slightly seriously, but that’s not very common at all. I hide my pain and discomfort most of the time, or at the very least I downplay it. I also had thoughts before like “I am only valuable for my body” or “if I’m not being a useful tool, I’m not worth anything - I need to serve people even when it hurts me.”

My emotions would fluctuate too. I could go from sobbing and on the verge of SH, to feeling super numb, to dancing and vibing within a 30 min span. I also had periods where I was convinced I was super hot and sexy, but then others where I felt incredibly ugly. I still get that, actually. My emotions haven’t been as high and low recently, but I’ve also not really been around people much. Partially because everyone is busy (ah, to be able-bodied and capable of making friends) and maybe partially because I haven’t been making an effort to really reach out. I feel like no one cares and I just can’t be bothered to talk to anyone rn.

I don’t know if I get delusion and paranoia, but I maybe do? I feel incredibly uncomfortable being outside alone because it feels like everyone is watching me and out to get me, though that fear extends more to men. Even if a guy is super nice, sometimes I just immediately feel unsafe and worry they’ll hurt me or are having thoughts about me. But that could just be agoraphobia and/or fear of men. The only maybe paranoia thing would be the idea that everyone is watching me, but it happens more if I’m on my own. So I…don’t go out on my own. I think I’d need more examples of what BPD delusions and paranoia look like cuz I feel like I can’t find good examples online.

I suppose that post you added and what I’ve mentioned explains why I can’t really understand if I have it or not rn. When I feel good, I feel like that’s how I’ve always felt. When I feel bad, I feel like I’ve never felt good. That and as I said, I’ve not had much going on socially, so it’s hard to know if I’m really splitting or obsessing over people. I did once hear somewhere that BPD symptoms are highly influenced by people - if you’re not really interacting with people, it almost sometimes feels like all the symptoms are gone.

I have a question for people with BPD. Do y’all go through periods (I’m talking months) of feeling ‘normal’ or good and you think you are cured, and then one day suddenly you are back to being low most of the time and getting mad at people/isolating for no reason?

[hello-im-not-a-possum]

21. Redemption

The Ink Demon cannot redeem himself in his apostate prophet’s eyes, but luckily for him, Allison does a good job keeping it from killing him. (Set in FIFE, immediately after the Sin prompt.)

The Ink Demon, making what had to be one of the stupidest decisions ever, popped out of his Inkwell and stood to his full height, which while it was tall compared to human beings, the Ink Demon was rather short compared to the towering behemoth Sammy had become.

“Sammy, listen, I know I should’ve told you this way, WAY earlier but.. I’m Sorry.” The horrifying creature wrapped its body up in its largest pair of wings, steadying itself on a single arm as Inky tried to read the creature’s body language for either signs of approval or disapproval. Not knowing if he was getting through to it or not, he continued. “I know I really, really, really %#@!ed up with everything I did to you, I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness at all...  Maybe if I was a better person back then, I would’ve earned the praise you’ve heaped on me, but instead… *sigh* I’m sorry for how I treated you back then, I’m sorry that I pretty much… brainwashed you into worshiping me and then threw you to the side once I had what I wanted. I’m sorry that I hurt you and your loved ones for fun, And I’m sorry that I made you feel like you were nothing… I should’ve known better than to do any of that $#*!, Joey put me through similar stuff and I knew that it was &%#@ing awful when I was going through it, but I was too much of a Jack@$$ to-”

“Shhhh…” The otherworldly musician put a shushing finger over the Ink Demon’s lips which he retracted back into his wings. “It’s alright, little one. All is forgiven. No sin you have committed has been an infinite one, thus, you shall not receive infinite punishment.”

“Y-you really forgive me?! This soon?! H-how?! I hurt you the most out of everybody I’ve wronged, people who I’ve done a lot less to still avoid me because they still haven’t forgiven me… ...Does this mean you’re coming back home?”

Instead of answering him, a deformed arm shot out of Sammy’s form and straight through the Ink Demon’s chest, tearing out his heart in one fell swoop. The mouths on its arm already began chewing away at it like ravenous piranhas.

“Your sins are forgiven… but not forgotten…”

The Ink Demon ducked back into his inkwell to prevent further damage from happening to him, Allison gripped onto the inkwell tightly and ran like hell out of the ritual room. Partly to help protect the Ink Demon from the eldritch musician’s wrath, partly because she feared the beast, and mostly because the blessed bleach on the floor would eat her alive if she stayed in there any longer.

The being sped after her, moving its many distorted arms like the legs of a spider as Allison narrowly ducked and dodged incoming strikes from it, preferring to evade the eldritch monster as opposed to attacking it as like the Ink Demon, it could not be harmed by normal weapons, but unlike the ink demon, every time she cut off a hand, the stump grew and branched off to give it two more hands.

“D-don’t you think… *Cough* *Hack...* that we should try to reason with him?”

“Maybe we should,” she offered as she felt like it was too dangerous to argue with Inky during this. “But not while he’s trying to kill us in a maze filled with holy bleach!”

“Don’t flatter yourself, false angel...” The pursuing entity sounded like it was rolling its limitless eyes. “You may serve the divine, but you are not among their ranks... You will be spared, even if you believe you do not deserve it.”

“Gee, thanks Sammy...” She muttered under her breath while also rolling her eyes. “I totally believe you.”

Shortly after another close call with one the hands narrowly catching the inkwell, Allison grabbed her rope with the intent to tie the Inkwell to herself but then got a better idea.

“Inky, hold onto my waist as tightly as you can!”

She took a sharp turn, tied a lasso out of the rope, and swung it around to get momentum. Once she felt she had enough of it and sensed the upcoming pursuer, she turned and threw it behind her at the eldritch horror, almost stunned with shock and pride as she saw the rope perfectly hit Sammy’s muzzle. But luckily for her, adrenaline overcame shock and she ran between the entity’s arms and yanked the rope as hard as she possibly could.

As half-planned, the action slammed the beast to the ground. While it was still dazed by the action, The brave angel tied more of the rope around the horror’s muzzle, and jumped on its back as if she was riding a horse- -err a sheep, the creature was closer to a sheep than a horse. She jumped on its back as if she was riding a sheep made out of nightmares.

“HOLY *HACCK!* *WHEEZE!* $#*! ALLISON! WHERE THE %#^& DID THAT COME FROM?!”

“I panicked, and well…” She gestured at the rope and the beast. “When I trusted my gut, this happened.”

The beast shook the dizziness out of its head and rose on many unsteady limbs that swayed and staggered as it stood back up, almost as if the body remembered that it was supposed to be human, or at least humanoid, not whatever it was now.

One of the arms felt around its back for the Angel, and she drew her blade and put it against the musician’s throat while grabbing tightly to his left horn.

“You’ve won the battle, but the war is over. C’mon, Sam, we’re going home.”

She felt a heavy sigh come out from the beast, specifically, out of the tied up muzzle.

“Do you truly trust him? After all you have seen him do? After all he’s put everyone through?”

“We’ve all hurt people back there, all of us.” She lowered her blade off Sammy’s neck. “We’ve all done one terrible thing or another and tried to justify it to ourselves, and all of us regret them… I Don’t fully trust the Ink Demon, not yet… But I do trust that he regrets what he’s done too, and that he wants to change for the better as much as everyone else does, as much as you do.”

“I had no intent for changing for the better, I had valued the deaths of the false gods more than my own life. I expected to have my soul destroyed by the ritual, and yet, almost annoyingly, I still persist.”

“Because you believed that by destroying them, you’d set your flock free! You’re still here, because you know that you have people who want you back, people who love you and miss you, people who you inspired by your own redemption among them to change themselves for the better.”

“Including me!”

“...Including him.”

“...”

“So, would you like to see them again and go back home?”

“No. America never was and never will be my home, not even then, and especially not now.”

The angel and demon deflated partly.

“But… I’m sure I will make some visits here and there, everybody knows how to call me when they want.”

“Say Sammy… *HACKK!* About you wanting me to *COUGH* free you from an ‘Inky dark abyss you call a body’... Would… would you like me to try that, or do you have a sweet deal going on with the whole nightmare-abomination-god-thing?”

“...Well…”

-----

Weeks later...

“How’s progress going so far?”

“Uuuurrrrgghhh...!”

The Ink Demon pinched the nonexistent bridge of his nonexistent nose in frustration as his patient/canvas gave a so-so gesture.

“It’s terrible! Just terrible! I’ve managed to carve it back down to LOOKING human (most of the time), but every time I turn my back on this mother^@!&er, its got something ELSE going on, and the second I fix it, it’s got a new problem: First it was that its pectorals were replaced with a giant mouth filled with fangs that belonged to a sea monster, THEN there was the wasp problem, and THEN eyes are popping all over it like chicken pox spots, and THEN...”

“I have accepted that Eldritch demigodhood may be a chronic condition that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. At least most of my humanity is restored... and this condition is one that has its perks from time to time...”

“Well, according to the tests, you’re a human being, so at least you two on the right path.”

“Yeah… Still frustrating as &$@! Though. What makes it worse is that COULD’VE done better if I did this sooner! I could’ve saved it back at the studio but Nooo, I had to wait until AFTER getting freed from that place before getting a redemption arc. #%#@ing son of a...”

“While it’s not the most... Ideal, but it’s a lot better than it’s ever been before. Thank you for your assistance.”

“No, thank you for giving me another chance.”

[abirdonalilactree]

First gay ship I watched that actually became canon. (kinda toxic tho-)

Y'all remember the first time you saw your gay ship become canon? I suppose for many of you it was Supernatural. 

For me it was back in 2013 when the series finale of Rules of Engagement came out, which is pretty early if you are talking about gay stuff. Not only did we get a slowburn spanning over several seasons, it also ended in a gay wedding.

In this essay I will talk about why this ship is so important to me and why it also was toxic as feck.

The show is about two couples and their single friend, all at different stages in their relationships, deal with the complications of dating, commitment, and marriage. From season three on, there kinda is a slow burn until season seven ends with the two unmarried couples getting married as well.

What started as a horrible boss messing with his assistant turned into a surprising love story.

 I'm not sure why I came back to this series after so many years in the first place. Some of the jokes are quite offensive so here is a warning for that. But on the other hand, all episodes are up on YouTube for free soo… Right now, in the September of 2021 we have exactly 20 fics on Ao3 by amazing authors. We are a really small fandom. The show ended in 2013 but like three or four people are still here.

Let me introduce the main characters:

The married couple consists of Jeff and Audrey Bingham. Jeff has been a financial manager and husband of Audrey since 1995. He has a rather deadpan, cold and sardonic personality and sense of self, particularly when dealing with Russell and Adam, but he is not sadistic or unkind, thereby rendering these traits as merely ironic and biting humor. He loves sports, shuns anything that might resemble sensitivity and often views his marriage as a competition or war, refusing to let Audrey "win" the upper hand at anything.

Audrey is an editor at Indoor Living magazine before later resigning and the assertive, modern wife of Jeff. She tolerates her husband's insensitivity because she knows he is not malicious and will do whatever it takes to make the situation right once he realizes his mistake. As a couple, they both can be very condescending and manipulative towards each other, in order to gain the upper hand, and typically don't like to concede to the other that they were wrong.

Adam Rhodes, a sensitive and well-meaning, but extremely naive and super extremely stupid, co-worker of Russell and Timmy, and Jennifer's fiancé throughout the series until they are married in the series finale. He is a neighbor of Jeff and Audrey, looks up to Jeff, and often acts on Jeff's relationship advice -This usually results in making the situation worse for himself. Jennifer Morgan is the fiancée and eventual wife of Adam, who endures his faults because of his good looks. She is very self-conscious of him, and will often try to spare him from embarrassment.

Timir "Timmy" Patel was introduced in season 3 and became a season regular from season 4-7. He first appears when Russell hires him as his assistant.  Although he is fluent in seven languages and holds an MBA, Timmy is often forced to do menial work or to solve Russell's trivial problems which often annoys Timmy. While many of Russell's schemes disgust him, Timmy will often see them through so that he can enjoy Russell's deserved penalty. 

Russell Dunbar on the other hand is wealthy, only due to his trust fund, which he uses to impress and seduce women. He is presented as a seedy and sleazy man who only cares about how many women he can get. However, it is shown that he has a softer side. His relationships within the group are seemingly conflicted, many of the group dislike his behaviour and mock him, as they do everyone else, but it seems that he expresses just as much distaste for them as he does not choose to invite them places unless he needs them to. Through Timmy, he is analysed by a psychiatrist to have sociopathic tendencies which explains his destructive behaviour.

He is also self absorbed and immature.

...But the thing is sometimes he isn’t.

While all three relationships show a lot of signs of toxicity, Timmy and Russell’s relationship is certainly the most destructive one. Which is mostly Russell’s fault.

But let me show you.

From a psychological point of view, their relationship ticks most of the boxes of a toxic relationship.

Toxic communication

Instead of treating each other with kindness, most of their conversations are filled with sarcasm, criticism, or overt hostility. Yet sometimes kindness is in fact seeking through.

Jealousy

There is so, so much jealousy going on. Russell really does everything to not allow Timmy to get together with a woman. Although only as the show goes on, it becomes clear that Russell is jealous because he has fallen for Timmy.

Controlling behaviors

Russell is questioning where Timmy is all the time or becoming overly upset when he doesn’t immediately answer texts are both signs of controlling behavior, which can contribute to toxicity in a relationship. And it gets so much worse than that. But more to that later.

Resentment

Yes.

Dishonesty

Yes. ALL the time.

Patterns of disrespect

Being chronically late, casually “forgetting” events, and other behaviors that show disrespect for each other's time are a red flag. This makes it red flag number six. 

Constant stress

A normal amount of tension runs through every relationship, but finding oneself constantly on edge is an indicator that something’s off. Yet another red flag.

This ongoing stress can take a toll on the physical and emotional health of a person. Which is one hundred percent happening.

Ignoring needs

Going along with whatever one partner wants to do, even when it goes against the wishes or comfort level of the other one. From his first episode in the show on, Timmy is forced to do absurd stuff he doesn’t want to do and honestly no one should do for their boss.

Lost relationships

Stopping to spend time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict with a partner or to get around having to explain what’s happening in the relationship.

Hoping for change

One might stay in a relationship because they see the other person’s potential or think that if they just change themselves and their actions, their partner will change as well. And it’s the little moments when Russell shows for only moments the tiniest bit of being a good person that make Timmy stay with him.

Walking on eggshells

One worries that by bringing up problems, they’ll provoke extreme tension, so they become conflict avoidant and keep any issues to themselves.

Lack of support however is arguably not always one of their problems. But we’ll come back to that.

And still, they share their sweet moments.

The following clip, made by CBS itself shows really well how it is for them to work with each other.

https://youtu.be/GfPI3HgMYoI

And then there is character development. Here the group of friends talks about Jeff lying to his wife about another friends bachelor party because he doesn’t want to spend time with her aunt.

https://youtu.be/LQPIFcrBltQ

Russell doesn't want to get married, clearly. This clip also conveys pretty well how horrible those people are. 

There is this tension and the gay jokes. This clip also shows really well how manipulative Russell -tries- to be.

https://youtu.be/XkdycXzX4ag

And then there are moments like these: In season 6 Timmy wanted to impress a woman who only wants to date singers so Russell teaches him how to play the guitar with the ulterior motive of Timmy embarrassing himself in front of the whole company. This idea backfires when Russell realises that he can’t watch Timmy suffer like that and he joins on stage and they start this duet that’s like super gay.

https://youtu.be/UH3P_LfBBQo

To be with you by Mr Big is an interesting choice of song. -Not only because it’s quite romantic but also because the lyrics seem to be surprisingly fitting at second glance.

Let’s analyze it because Music is an important aspect.

“One of the great unrequited love songs, "To Be With You" has a true story behind it. Mr. Big lead singer Eric Martin wrote the song when he was still a teenager - 16 or 17 in his estimation. The girl was Patricia Reynolds, and he had it bad for her.

"We were really, really good friends," Martin said in a Songfacts interview. "I was totally enamored with this woman. She was beautiful. Smart. I mean, brains, beauty, break down the walls, made me crawl on my belly like a reptile!

I just loved this woman, but she just wanted to be my friend. She'd have tons of boyfriends, and maybe she misconstrued promiscuity for love. But I wanted to be the knight in shining armor. That's what I was, a knight in shining armor. But basically, I didn't get my feet wet. I wrote it about how I would have done anything to just be more than a friend and a confidante."”

-https://www.songfacts.com/facts/mr-big/to-be-with-you

So much to the history of the song. Do you see the parallels? Do you see them? Do you?

Anyway. When Russell joins Timmy on the stage, he starts with the lines:

Build up your confidence

So you can be on top for once

Wake up, who cares about

Little boys that talk too much

I think this has to be taken literally. Not sure how much I should go into detail here. 

This however brings us back to the point of support from our list earlier.

I've seen it all go down

The game of love was all rained out

So come on baby, come on over

Let me be the one to hold you

I'm the one who wants to be with you (I'm the one, yeah)

Deep inside I hope you feel it too (feel it too)

Waited on a line of greens and blues (waited on a line yeah)

Just to be the next to be with you

That’s kinda Gay.

There are jokes all over the seasons that Timmy and Russell are gay but it becomes most clear that Russell is in love with Timmy, in the last season, when Timmy leaves to go on vacation and Russell misses him so much that he gets a girlfriend and turns her into a copy of Timmy.

Things get worse when Timmy finds out that Russell completely lost his marbles and chipped him to always know his whereabouts. This finally makes Timmy leave the company and get a new job where he finally gets treated with respect. It is shown how they miss each other despite everything. But then Timmy loses his work Visa which turns out to be completely Russell’s fault.

Right after Jenn and Adam marry in the last episode, Russell proposes to Timmy so he can stay in America but it becomes clear that there is more than his conscience that made him do this.

Russell turning his girlfriend into Timmy. (There is no heterosexual explanation for this):

https://youtu.be/sX1xTybc6vI

Timmy finding out how much Russell really stalks him. (like. he is totally in love with him):

https://youtu.be/jPWKdwpXCLU

Their Wedding (seems pretty gay to me):

https://youtu.be/Ymp-zaTmnD8

 You need to see the whole show as it is. A bunch of horrible people that are made fun of.

Furthermore you could argue that they don’t actually kiss. But maybe marriage is even more meaningful. 

I suppose that since we get so little representation, we like to clasp onto everything we can get. Because when I watched this I was too young to understand how offensive the shit they talk about really is. But after all it meant a lot to my gay little heart.

So many years later I gotta say that it needs to be said that it’s a toxic relationship after all. Don’t try it at home. Don’t try it with your boss or assisstant.

In the end it’s a green card marriage. But there is this whole arch of Russell falling in love with Timmy. Most clearly in the last three episodes but also starting a lot earlier. It’s a slow burn after all. It’s never said out loud but we got two bisexual characters right there.

Now I’m asking around my friends what their first gay ship was that became canon. The results really show that we don’t get enough representation in series. Just wow.

Hannigram became canon. kinda. They jumped off a cliff together instead of kissing. That one dude from supernatural you guys keep talking about got sent to super gay hell after confessing.

What I want to say is I just wanna see a healthy gay ship become canon some day.

Thanks for reading!

...So what was your first gay ship that became canon? 

[amazing-spiderling]

Not a good day.

(Personal/Medical stuff under the cut)

So. Yeah.

It hasn’t been an easy two years for anybody, I realize that. We have all been put through the wringer, and those of us still fortunate enough to be here are all exhausted. I can appreciate that, but I got some news today that has me feel like my candle is just moments from running out so here I am, yelling into the night, I guess.

At the end of 2019 I was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney failure. It happened suddenly, my tests going from normal to critical in the span of about a year. There’s some family history, so it isn’t unprecedented but I am still pretty young (both in my family and just speaking of general medical statistics) so the diagnosis was unexpected. We started me on a lot of new medication, I had a gamut of appointments, and we kept an eye on my numbers until they dropped to the point that I could actually be put on the transplant list.

Given my age, a living donor is preferable, but nobody was able to be tested until I was put on the list which didn’t happen for another year and a half. So you know, when everyone was already pretty burnt out from pandemic stress and it didn’t feel like a good time to go knocking on people’s doors looking for organ donors. My family members (siblings) all had medical conditions that precluded them from donating.

But, a light at the end of the tunnel! It turned out that against the odds, my husband was a match. He started the same tests and examinations to see if he was a suitable donor, health wise, we traveled out of town multiple times to the hospital where the surgery will take place. He had a final examination, making sure he was mentally sound. Everything was trucking along. We talked to my nephrologist, to my nurse, we started looking at the calendar to think about surgery dates, started coordinating with my family for help during the recovery period.

And then today we got a call that he has some complications with his renal arteries, which while not a danger to him, mean that a surgery to remove the kidney would be too complicated and put him at risk. He is not a candidate for donation. 

So here we are, feeling like we were almost at the finish line (or at least the start of a new chapter) and being sent back to the beginning. I’ll likely need to start dialysis while we find a new donor, which is daunting for its own reasons. I watched my father on dialysis for years, both at a clinic and at home and I know how it affected him, how tired he was, how he struggled to make it day to day, and that’s really scary to think about.

This is all extremely daunting on its own, would be even if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic that presents a huge risk to anyone seeking a major surgery and certainly those who are immunocompromised. I had more or less made my peace with the changes I’d have to make to my life from here on out, mourned those losses, and was ready to move on, but here we are having to loop around and go through the process again and... I don’t know. I’m frustrated. I’m scared. But mostly I’m tired and I don’t know how I’m going to summon the energy to go through the steps all over again.

And god, don’t even get me started on that “Bad Art Friend” article. I’ve struggled so much with talking about my diagnosis with family and close friends. This is the first time I’ve breached the topic on anything like social media and frankly it’s because almost nobody following me here (and especially those online at the hour when I’m posting this) know me IRL. It’s been hard seeing people applauding celebrities who died of chronic conditions for keeping it under wraps, less in a “they deserve their privacy” way (which of course they do) as a “what a class act” way, as though shutting up and keeping quiet about what’s happening in your life is the ideal. 

Meanwhile, we were bombarded with armchair judgements about a woman who donated her organ and wanted support and yeah, maybe a little recognition from the people in her circle of peers (that she misjudged as her friends and people personally invested in her as anything other than a source of cringey entertainment). As for me? I couldn’t stop thinking, if this is what people think of a woman who donated a kidney wanting some consideration, then how villainous must the recipient be if they were to seek out the same thing from their circle? Eventually the narrative seemed to circle back around to something more grounded, but I know that 90% of the audience for that debacle had tuned out by that point.

Anyways...that’s all. I’m just... sad. And tired. I’m going to keep trying to make cute and happy things because that at least makes me feel like I’m contributing the the world in some way and lets me feel distracted for a short while. I appreciate everyone who has knowingly or unknowingly sent me support, said nice things about my doodles, watched movies with me... whatever. It’s all been more helpful than you know.

[cuttlefishkitch]

hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient! 

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me! 

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

[phantomphangphucker]

Ectober Day 18: Ancient -  Adulting: But Ghostly Chap. 2: The Chronic Age Changer

Screwing up in the Fenton Lab was a pretty normal regular thing, but screwing up in such a way to botch someone’s age and humanness without actually changing said age and humanness was a weird one. The trio mess with the school, ClockWork messes with everyone, and Danny? Well, he is the mess.

Sam and Tucker are effectively ransacking Danny’s closet for clothing. Considering he was the only one that worn clothing in the triple XL size even though he was a medium on a good day. Though Sam has some fish netting to work with, shit was stretchy as Hell. So she cut out the crotch of a pair to make for a decent long sleeve fishnet crop top. Thank the Zone her bra cup size hadn’t changed. She’d also ripped up one of Danny’s older SlipKnot shirts -why did he even have this? He didn’t listen to SlipKnot?- and fashioned a nice skirt out of it with safety pins. The arm sleeves made for nice little pockets. And by nice, she means bigger that what girls' clothing usually came with.

Tucker was pretty well feeling stuck with a pinstriped green sweater and Tripp pants that were way too bloody long. Oh well, the bottoms were already torn to shit. In fact, did Danny own anything that wasn’t in questionable to piss poor condition?

The two turning to Danny, rolling their eyes at him still wearing the sweater sweats combination from yesterday. Him nodding curtly at the mirror, “this will have to do”, before turning to his friends and jabbing a thumb towards the door. Both of them walking out with him to go get breakfast.

Maddie grins at the trio of ‘teens’, “sleep well? No problems with your bodies?”.

Danny grins, “nope”, and honestly? It’s a pure miracle he wasn’t wakened up by some ghost or another. Sam and Tucker both immediately pointing at Danny and nodding. Maddie grinning at them, “good. I’d like to give you guys a very quick check over before you head out though. If that’s alright?”, while setting the pancakes down on the table.

The trio glance at each other and shrug. Looking to the Fenton Matriarch and speaking in unison, “sure”, making her smile more as everyone -mostly Tucker- starts stuffing their faces.

-

The whole getting checked over thing had been smooth sailing and show precisely zero change, which was technically good. More or less anyway. Maddie waving bye to them as they head out the doors. Danny glances between his to friends, “so, the shit you telling your folks? Because I doubt just not going home even resembles a plan”.

Sam rolls her eyes at him, “that’s literally one of your emergency plans”.

“Sam, no one is going to try murdering us over this”, Danny tilts his head, “or at least now that we don’t look like ghosts anymore”. Tucker inspects his hand, “actually I think we do but the spray stuff just cast some illusion shit”.

“Tuck, if that were the case then my hair would feel like fire. It does not feel like fire”. Both his friends grimace slightly but nod in agreement. Though Tucker hums, “I think the illusion includes feeling. Because that would be one mind fuck otherwise”. Sam just groans loudly, effectively communicating that he should shut the fuck up.

Danny rolls his eyes, “anyway, I’m going to run off and see Clocky pretty well as soon as we’re out of sight of FentonWorks. Not like school matters much for me and they can’t be bothered calling my folks any more”.

Tucker points at him, “and we still can’t decide if that’s depressing or not. Though yeah, you go do that”. Sam nodding, “and really? This ‘adult’ thing could easily be used as an excuse why you’re not there and a reasonable one at that”.

Danny blinks, genuinely looking pleasantly surprised, “huh. Who would have thought I ever would have a really good excuse to use?”.

The other two deadpanning, “no one”.

Tucker throwing his hands behind his head, “but who the heck’s going to believe this at first anyway? I’m mean I know I’ve always been good looking but this? Ho boy those poor ladies”. Sam predictably smacks him.

Danny shoves Tucker gently, “honestly man?”, pointing at Sam, “it’s her that’s gonna shock people. Ancients, just the hair alone will shock”. Sam lifting up the end of her hair and muttering, “true. This is going to annoy the heck out of me”, which everyone’s laughs at a little.

Danny glances around before saluting his friends, “whelp, I’m off. Enjoy the Hell of school!”, then switching to an almost comically singsong voice, “🎵Well I’m off to see the wizard🎵“, then promptly falls through a purple portal.

Sam blinks, “I still can’t believe they respond to that”. Tucker snickers, “eh they just like making him break out into song randomly”. Sam just snorts at that as they turn to go the little ways further before entering the school doors to death-Hell.

-

Danny stretches his arms up before dropping them and grinning wide as he spots his mentor, who looks fairly pleased with themselves. “Enjoying the view?”.

“Very much so, Daniel”, ClockWork turns to him and changes to their child form, moving to shit on his shoulder. Danny eyeing them and chuckling, “damn Clockpops, you are tiny. I mean, you usually are in this form but now it’s like, extra tiny”. ClockWork just chuckles faintly, their small smile growing ever so slightly. Which makes Danny smiles himself before gesturing his hands up and down himself, “so....about this....”.

-

Meanwhile. Sam and Tucker walk down the Casperhigh halls getting stared at by every person which was only making the pair of them smirking. None of the teachers looked to be trying to stop them, so obviously Danny’s folks went and called the school. Which was surprisingly responsible coming from them. Neither are surprised when Valerie’s the first to ask what the literal fuck is going on here.

Valerie slams her locker closed as the two come up next to her to open their lockers. She looks them up and down, managing to sigh and scowl at the same time, “okay. What did Danny’s crazy parents do know?”.

Sam points at Tucker and blocks his face off with the locker door, “actually it’s bad luck Tuck’s fault”.

“They invented the stupid spray stuff! And they’re the ones who didn’t make an undo button!”.

Sam outright ignores him. “He knocked over some spray stuff that made us look like adults. The hair’s pissing me off, wanna help me whack it off in the bathroom?”. She didn’t seem to have nerves -ghost nerves but still- in her hair now, so it should be fine.

Tucker sticks his head over, “well I think I look great”, and nods curtly. Sam muttering, “switch places and then we’ll see how you would feel”. Which makes Tucker tilt his head, “I’d be a girl then. Which could be fun”, which of course gets him immediately slapped by both girls.

Valerie grabs Sam’s arm and starts dragging her off to the bathrooms, scowling, “looks like you’re only physically adults”. Making Sam laugh as they get into the bathroom, while Valerie produces a pair of scissors from somewhere. No one bothered questioning how or where she always magically seemed to get sharp pointy things. Sam and Tucker though, are pretty sure her suit just makes them with its nanobots.

Paulina and Star glance over and watch the scene of Valerie yanking out one of the under sink stools and starting to hack at Sam’s hair. Both popular girls grimacing. Paulina eventually sighs, “okay no, machetona (tomboy) honey. You use scissors like peinabombillas (someone who combs light bulbs); are you trying to make her a complete pescada (butterface)?”, and stalks over, Star leaning against the counter.  

Valerie and Sam both turn to roll their eyes at the popular girl, “are you offering to cut my hair? You?”.

Paulina rolls her eyes and huffs, but it’s a dainty pretty huff, “well you can’t have hair longer than mine. Think of how that would make me look? Basura (garbage). And I’m in here so people will simply assume I was involved in this current hair disaster, which would be even worse to be associated with. I want to be a hair fashion hairdresser you know. After all-”, flipping her silky smooth flawless hair, “-clearly I know a thing or two”.

Sam and Valerie exchanges glances, speaking in unison, “figures”, but Valerie does push the stool over to be in front of the mirror. Paulina producing her own scissor from her purse, they’re small nail scissors though.

Paulina looking her over and humming, “pixie cut that’s a little more high fashion? That would piss that annoying mother of yours”, it was no secret, the entire student body hated Pamela Manson, though Sam has no idea how they all still didn’t know her family was stinking rich. Neither did Tucker, Valerie, or Danny. But considering the school still hadn’t figured Danny out, they were probably just supremely oblivious... or stupid.

Star taps her chin gently, “if we had clippers then an undercut would really do it”.

“Her hair is thick enough for it”.

Both popular girls blink at Valerie producing one, Sam snickering, “I’m all for this. Fuck my hair up”.

Paulina sighs but motions for Valerie to come over and starts pointing out where to shave and where -for the love of everything- not to. Star speaking up again while digging in her purse, “well could also put that red moulding paste on the tips of a spikier look”, looking at Sam and Valerie, “we brought it for the boys to look more intense at the game”.

Paulina hums, “pretty sure Dash just wants to mess Fenton’s hair up with it”, pointing at Sam and Valerie, “but you didn’t hear that from me, chica (girl)”.

Valerie tilts her head at Sam, “where is that boy anyway?”. While Sam scowls at Paulina but answers Valerie, “doing shit with his parents to fix this. Also-”, pointing at the bottle of red, “-why not”, smirking, “I wouldn’t recommend going after Danny though. I doubt Dash could even reach Danny’s hair effectively”.

Valerie blinks and laughs, almost fucking up with the clippers, “so the shortest boy in the school is now the tallest? That is hilarious”. Sam just smirks.

The clipper noises wind up attracting curious girls in which just leads to a hair party in the bathroom. None giving a damn about first block. Meanwhile, the teachers are all just very confused and annoyed. They’d heard one or two of the Defect Quartet were involved though and thusly stayed the Hell away. Especially since none of them knew where Daniel was, meaning he might be involved. Mrs. Suspensekee was the most on edge about that considering she had both male halves of the quartet in her biology class and only one was here, his feet up on Daniel’s chair and getting his facial hair ogled by all the boys around; he was clearly enjoying it very much.

Kwan looks overly excited as he speaks, “goddamn that’s so manly! You guys so have to sneak this stuff to school. I want to know adult me too!”, which predictably encourages a round of cheers.

Tucker waves everyone off like he’s calming a group of cheering fangirls, “now now, it only works around Danny and does more than just adultify you”, finger-gunning stupidly, “also ghostifies you but we fixed that, not without getting a face full of ecto-weapons though”. That absolutely makes the entire class cringe, some even experiencing flashbacks to their own unfortunate run-ins with armed Fenton’s.

Jesse waves him off right back, “dude, I’m down to see ghost me too”, which gets more cheering. Nobody questioning why this stuff only works around Danny, he was weird, that was practically expected. Jesse pointing at him, “and does Danny have facial hair too?”, because honestly? no one could imagine that.

Tucker laughs, because again with the fire hair, not that he’s going to mention that. He’s not about to Danny-dude dirty like that, “he totally took after his ‘uncle’ for that. Rocking a spikey goatee”. He’s also pretty sure he saw Danny put his hair back in a low ponytail without even realising he was kinda copying Vlad. Maybe adult Danny looking slightly Vlad-like was a sign the guy’s current trend of not being a villainous psycho constantly was going to be a long term thing. Vlad surprisingly didn’t suck at being a mayor. Guy might get re-elected without overshadowing everyone. He knows Danny’s so going to have to have a talk with him over where all the funds came from to keep up with town repairs. Vlad was an experienced bank robber after all.

Mrs. Suspensekee has to snap for the class to pay attention at this point or nothing’s going to get done.

-

Danny blinks at ClockWork, “you’re joking? Seriously?”, and bends over laughing.

“Indeed I am, they were quite upset”.

Danny laughs some more, “to be fair, Dan getting free and looking human would be pretty upsetting”, sighing, “not that I really appreciate that I look just like him”.

ClockWork doesn’t look away from their screens, “he is you, Daniel. Personalities and choices may differ but genetics and bodies seldom do. You’ll have his suit too, excluding his cape, as an adult ghost as well”, continuing over the boys groan, “it is far better than the green accented monstrosity another timeline featured”.

Danny tilts his head, “oh? That bad?”, and walks over. ClockWork changing the screens to show him and Danny instantly cringes, “okay yeah that’s bad. Why would I do that? What would make me think that looks good? What’s up with the lines all over my neck? Ancients that clashes horribly. And what’s even the point of the wrist blaster? I can shoot ecto-beams already. And the green circle over my crotch? I don’t even want to know. Ew”. ClockWork chuckles lightly and nods in agreement.

ClockWork floats around and fiddles with things some, “how your suit looks isn’t truly up to you I’m afraid. It is much like your skin, a natural part of you that will grow and develop as you do. A human can alter the appearance by tanning or dying their hair, but it never truly changes. Ghosts, however, can not truly alter their base form at all beyond putting things on”.

Danny nods, “like Ember putting clothing over top or Skulker’s suit, right?”.

“Precisely”. ClockWork turns to face him, “now for your current appearance-based predicament, unfortunately your parents are correct, Daniel. This is not something they can correct. Unless of course, you feel like being a full human again”.

Danny immediately blurting out, “Zone no”, honestly? he probably couldn’t handle being a regular human again. Having to actually open doors to go through them? The shame. Having to walk everywhere? How barbaric. ClockWork smirks, “as I thought”.

Danny sighs and slumps down into the purple plush couch, leaning his head back comfortably, “so I’m stuck with this then?”.

ClockWork hums, “think about Dan and I believe you’ll come up with something”. Which makes Danny groan and grumble about never getting straight answers. “Though to answer your friends concerns, no this hardly damages time in anyway”, floating over and wagging their finger in his face, “if it did I would have showed up before your parents saw and that spray would have mysteriously disappeared”. Danny nods and waves his hands around, acknowledging that that was probably pretty accurate and probably should have been obvious to him. ClockWork does something close to a fond sigh and pats his head.

Both turning to the sound of shots, “CLOCKWORK!”. ClockWork turning to Danny, “sounds like it’s time you head back”, holding up a finger, “and I think I might just join you”, promptly changing to their child form and unzipping Danny’s backpack.

Danny screws his face up and starts laughing at ClockWork sticking their small head out of the open top, Danny picking up the backpack, “you know, I don’t think there’s a such thing as bring your ghost to school day, but fuck it, I’m making one”, both of them smirking while Danny puts on his backpack and ClockWork spins their staff to make a portal. The two disappearing through it over the backdrop of screaming Observants.

-

Tucker knocks over his third pan in home ec, tilting his head back and sighing, “being tall is slowly becoming a pain in the ass”.

Ms. Relish sighs, “language, Tucker. Though yes, I would appreciate only having one student that damages practically everything they touch”. Tucker holds up the pan, “but I didn’t dent it?”.

“Which thank you for, but do try to be.. more...”, the teacher trails off as a freaking giant of a man walks in.

Tucker looks around at everyone with a wicked grin splitting across his face, eventually bending over and laughing his ass off at Ms. Relish muttering, “hot damn”.

Danny makes a few facial expressions before settling on a smirk, “why Ms. Relish are you hitting on a student?”, and gives a very overacted charming smile. The teacher chokes, while the rest of the class put together the context clues and scream, “FENTON!”.

Danny bows dramatically, “the one and only”. Then moves to join Tucker, swinging his backpack off his shoulder as he goes. Tucker actually has to sit down on the ground to wheeze when freaking ClockWork pokes their head and arms out, resting their arms on the top of the backpack and throwing a small subtle smirk Tucker’s way.

Practically half the class mutters, “oh yeah that is so Fenton. The fuck is that kid doing”. While Danny waves everyone off over his shoulder, “ignore the little guy, they’re helping sort out some issues in exchange for hiding them from some ghosts annoying them”. The entire class blink at him and shrug after a bit, because come on? it’s Fenton. Lily grumbling, “of course he’d strike a bargain with a ghost”.

Tucker gets up and eyes Danny, “eyeballs?”, while the rest of the class continue to eyeball Danny; and Tucker a little bit but they were at least somewhat used to the guy being tall and sporting dreads. Danny being a brick shit house was a whole different story.

Danny has a ridiculously hard time keeping a straight face as he helps Tucker make the little stir fry dish -like always he was banned from actually touching the food due to multiple ‘food coming to life’ incidences- as everyone starts whispering.

“I can’t believe that’s Fenton, I feel like I’m committing a sin by saying he looks actually good”.

“Do you think literally anyone disagrees? ‘Cause the teach is totally right, damn. Puberty is gonna full body fuck Danny. Hot damn”.

“What the heck caused him to be so.. muscly though?”.

“I honestly wouldn’t even believe this if his dad wasn’t, like, the size of a freaking double-wide door. That man’s bigger than my little buggy car”.

“His dad could also throw your car. And have you seen his mom? Saw them at the swimming pool once and she had a solid pack of abs. Nice rack too”.

“Dude, no. How many times have I told you not to go after people’s moms”.

“Fuck. He could crush my head like a watermelon”.

“I just want to know if he even can use the muscles. Or is it just a looks muscular thing?”.

“Who cares. All I care about is seeing Dash and those other jock jerks cry and go home weeping and begging into their pillows to look like that someday”.

“I’m telling you, Dash is gonna have a beer belly. Totally gonna happen. And what? You gonna climb up to their windows to watch? Break in to collect their tears?”.

“Yes”.

“Doesn't your dad work for a Modeling agency? Should totally sneak a photo and get them to snatch him up early. Age matters you know”.

“Amber... you just want photos”.

“So?”.

“Think I should ask him if he, like, has some secret workout routine he does? ‘Cause no way that all built up in two or so years”.

“Dude, he probably doesn’t even know what he did to get that. You’ve seen that skinny ass twink in gym class, he does not work out. Probably started doing it hardcore after Dash really pissed him off or something”.

“Even if he did freaking steroids he wouldn’t build up that much muscle in two years, you idiot. And the kid makes a point to never change in front of others. Maybe he’s got stuff going on under his baggy ass clothing”.

“Oh fuck, wait, so you think that’s why he wears baggy ass shit? To hide it? But why the Zone would he do that?”.

“Why the Zone did he agree to bring a ghost to school? Why the Zone did he eat a screaming ghost Hot Dog? Why the Zone does he do anything. Don’t question Fenton logic, man”.

“Oh this so has to be his parents fault. Maybe started forcing him to work out to be a hunter. Not like his sisters going to take over their company or whatever”.

“His friends are all pretty fit too though, so must be some kind of group effort”.

“Goth chics always been fit af though. Tucker’s is surprising though. So maybe”.

“Oh whatever, I am so subscribing to whatever the fuck the Fenton family workout is”.

“Its ghost hunting, idiot. Wait, you don’t think-”.

Danny decides to butt in randomly at that, before people start getting ideas, “we have a helmet ghost fighting simulator thing. Makes for an okay workout on low mode”. Tucker pats his shoulder, seeing as the trio knew he never used that thing. No, all this was actual ghost fighting. Danny’s weird-ass biology probably played a part though. Danny was way more muscular than Tucker thinks a person actually can be. Someone would have to dedicate their life to being a muscle builder to achieve something close to this probably.

One of the girls hums, “they should sell that then. ‘Cause clearly it works. Mr. I Could Throw An Entire Brick Wall At Someones Face”.

“That is oddly specific”.

“Could he not?”.

“I didn’t say I was disagreeing”.

Tucker elbows Danny, “Sam got her hair cut by the way. She’s rocking the undercut again”. Danny quirks an eyebrow, “by who??? You cut like you’re drunk and Valerie is more experienced with curly hair I think”.

“Paulina”, Tucker raises and lowers his eyebrows rapidly with a smirk. While Danny raises both of his own eyebrows, “well damn, didn’t see that coming”.

ClockWork gives a cheery, “I did”. Earning chuckles and eyerolls.

ClockWork pipes up again after a while, pointing at the stove, “you're about to burn your food”. Tucker jumping a little, “what? Oh shit!”, and yanks the pan off the stove promptly burning himself and thus shoving it at Danny in a panic, “here! Mr. Cold Touch”. Though due to Tucker’s longer arms he winds up smashing the pan into Danny’s chest and dumping everything on his chest.

Danny stares down at the steaming stir fry covering his chest before dropping his arms to the side -one hand holding the hot pan and thus dropping whatever was actually left in the pan onto the floor- and gives Tucker a deadpan look, “really?”. Tucker bends over laughing immediately, though giving Danny his hand to chill; which Danny takes with an eye roll while mouthing, “you fucker”, down at ClockWork.

Ms. Relish walks over with a sigh, “put the pan in the sink before you burn yourself. And obviously I can’t mark this, but at least it’s not burnt”, that last bit sounds a bit sarcastic. So both boys shrug awkwardly at her; Danny does throw the pan in the sink though. ClockWork just smirks more, which the teacher makes a face at.

No one is surprised when Ms. Relish shoos the boys out, “I've had enough of your destructive tendencies. Out you go”. Though when Danny mumbles, “nice, now I can go change my stir fry covered shirt -fuck you Tuck”, everyone shoots up and over to the door. The teacher sighing and putting her head in her hands as the gaggle of teens poke their heads out the door and shush each other.

Danny and Tucker have their backs to the door but obviously know they’re being watched. Tucker elbowing Danny, whispering, “looks like you’ve got some adoring fans to please”. Danny blinks at him, “I feel like a stripper”, even ClockWork chuckles faintly as Danny hands off his backpack to Tucker.

Literally everyone gapes as Danny pulls off his shirt, rolls his shoulders, balls the shirt up like he’s very used to getting his shirts very messy, and looks over his shoulder to wink at them. Both Danny and Tucker bending over laughing right after while a couple girls fake faint, putting their arm over their foreheads and everything. The noise getting another teacher to stick his head out the door and sputtering in disbelief at Danny. “The Picture Of Dorian Gray! Put on a shirt Mr. Fenton!”.

Danny and Tucker exchange glances. Tucker chuckling, “I like how he doesn’t even need to question who you are”. While ClockWork pulls out a shirt from the backpack and hands it over. Mr. Lancer looking to the tiny ghost, “and for the love of Frankenstein, why do you have a pet ghost?”. The two boys absolutely laugh over that.

-

Valerie chokes in art class after checking her phone, someone having posted a photo of who was apparently Danny and with his clearly messy sweater off halfway. The sweater at least looks like something he owned. Her blurting out, “Danny what the fuck!?!? And how?!?!?”. Mrs. Remi just smiles to herself, Danny was one very interesting student to have. She likes interesting though. Oh yes she does as she watches him rush through the door, “I’m not late!”. Of course he actually was but she currently doesn’t care.

Basically the whole class sputters disbelievingly at the boy but not over his comment.

“WHAT!”.

“Oh Zone that wasn’t a photo edit”.

“Why do you have Thor’s voice? Better yet why do you get to have Thor’s voice?”.

“Holy damn”.

Mrs. Remi stands up, putting her hands on her desk and leaning towards the class, “alright, change of plans. Today we’re doing model studies”, pointing at Danny, “find a pair of shorts, a speedo, or strip”.

Danny blinks at her, “what???”.

She grins meanly, “it’s that or next month we’re having Mrs. Testlaff in here to do it”. The entire class immediately pales.

“Fenton get that sweater off now or so help me”.

“Dear Zone no”.

“For my sanity Fenton, please”.

Valerie stands up loudly, “off or I get the flamethrower. There are some things I don’t want to see”.

Danny just sighs, his life was some serious bullshit. Though Valerie might actually do that. Walking over to Valerie and dropping off his backpack, “you're watching them then, and not going murder happy”.

“What-”, Valerie cuts herself off at ClockWork popping their head out, also sticking out the end of their ghostly tail to wave. Valerie blinks, “what the fuck”. While ClockWork grins, “I’m providing the boy a little advice in exchange for some amusement. This has quite effectively infuriated some annoyances I have the slight misfortune of knowing”.

Valerie looks almost painfully slowly to Danny, “the fuck?”. Danny just smirks, finger-guns and disappears back out the door. Returning seconds later in shorts and just lets Mrs. Remi move him into poses all class.

Danny grumbles as class ends, “this was ridiculous and I feel judged”. Valerie walking over and shoving the backpack at him, “I don’t know why. Your body looks stupid good and that’s honestly freaky”, poking him after he pulls the backpack over his shoulder, “you are like a fucking rock. How, when, why”.

ClockWork pops out of the top of the backpack, “you are quite the rough one, aren’t you, Valerie Gray”. She squints at the ghost before looking to Danny’s face, “okay, and why did you tell It, them, whatever, my name?”.

Danny shrugs, “didn't need too”, glancing at ClockWork, who gives him zero sign to shut the fuck up, so he shrugs again, “they're omniscient”.

Valerie stares at him for a bit, “WHAT”. Making both boy and ghost chuckle and give slightly malicious looking smirks. Which she hits Danny over, “stop being creepy, and fuck, do you have fangs?”. Danny grins toothily over that. Her leaning up and forward, “well damn”. Making him laugh.

Danny readjusts his backpack to bring attention to ClockWork, who helps in that regard by messing up his hair, “and their all-knowingness is helping fix our ageing issues. Being all-knowing and shit, they know the fix which my parents do not”, glaring over his shoulder somewhat fondly, “not that the riddle has been all that helpful”.

Valerie blinks as they head to their last class, “so that’s why they’re with you? You’re bribing a ghost”.

“I already told you that. Less bribe, more equalish exchange of services. As for how this all happened”, gesturing his hand over himself as he skilfully avoids bumping into people, “pretty sure Sam and Tuck already explained”.

She scowls at him, “not that you idiot, the muscle. The height’s obviously your dad, but the rest? The Hell”. Danny honestly doesn’t know how to answer that, “well-”, he thankfully gets saved by Dash; which makes this probably the only time he’s happy to hear someone angrily shouting, “FENTON!”.

Danny very intentionally makes his voice noticeably deep and threatening sounding, “what?!?”, even putting a little fang into it. Even Valerie jerks a little.

Dash skids to a stop and just stares at him. So Danny quirks an eyebrow, sneering, “the fuck do you want, Dash?”. Dash blinks once, twice, and three times, “alright, I’ll bite. How?”, then scowling a little and seemingly regaining some of his lost bravado, “how’d a weak scrawny loser like you get to have this as your adult self or whatever your parents screwed up hairspray thing does”.

ClockWork leans over Danny’s shoulder, holding up a finger, “if I may, Daniel here is simply nice to you and lets you push him around. He’s been stronger than you for a while now”. Danny wants to smack ClockWork.

Dash immediately blurts out, “bullshit”. Danny rolls his eyes and points at Valerie, “Val could surplex you. It’s not that difficult. My dad can throw cars, Dash, and mom can kick a tree in half; this feels like this should have been expected”, rolling his hands, “and you’ve seen the shit Sam can do”.

Dash mutters at the ground, “that girl does scare me”, before looking back to Danny and glaring, “you ain’t no gym freak or anything, Fenton. Just a wimpy weak loser and losers don’t turn out like this. At best they wind up like the mayor, skinny suit-wearing and shit”.

Danny blinks and chuckles, “Dash? Vlad is lowkey ripped. Lean yeah, but he could whoop your ass so fast”.

Valerie gives him a funny look, “how do you know that?”.

Danny rubs his neck, “I may have been responsible for that whole incident where he got recorded on the news live naked”. ClockWork chuckles meanly while Valerie and Dash blurt out, “THAT WAS YOU!?!?”. Danny holds up a finger, “maybe. I’m not confirming or denying shit”.

Dash shakes his head and scowls, attempting to shoulder past Danny, who of course doesn’t move resulting in Dash muttering, “ow”, and very pointedly not rubbing his shoulder.

Valerie and Danny shake their heads but getting going to their class again. Valerie elbowing him as they sit down, “if your folks can’t make something to reverse this then why not something that can just make you guys able to change your physical ages at will or revert time to when you were younger”.

Danny blinks at her, “okay, how much thought did you put into that?”, that was actively creative and super out there. Ironic with ClockWork being here though.

She shrugs, “oh since Sam mentioned all this shit. Speaking of Sam”, she points at the door just as said goth strides through. Danny very pointedly looks her up and down, then whistling as she sits down. The faux hawk plus undercut did actually look good, the red tipping worked well too.

Sam rolls her eyes and shoves his head, then eyeballing ClockWork, “for the love of everything, why? Who are you trying to make suffer?”.

ClockWork looks to her and grins, waving a hand around, “everyone. I am rather Ancient, I get my kicks where I can”. Danny just chuckles.

After a while, Danny’s drumming his fingers on his desk and ignoring Mr. Trent’s constant glances. Thinking of it, Valerie had a decent idea. The time messing thing was probably a no go, somehow he doubts ClockWork would go for something like that. The age changing at will though...

Danny smacks his desk, “that’s it!”, making the entire class jump and snapping his desk in half. Him looking down at the broken desk, “shit sorry”. Mr. Trent just sighs and ClockWork pats his head. The whole class watching as he just shrugs and walks out of the class.

Sam, Valerie, and Tucker exchange looks and shrug. But Sam throws her hands up, Val chokes, and Tucker starts laughing as a little five foot four Danny saunters back in like the proudest thing ever with his clothing basically hanging off him. The rest of the class erupts into various freak-outs and descends into utter chaos. Mr. Trent is left grumbling, “I can’t wait till the lot of them get the Hell out of this entire school, please end my suffering”.

Sam scowling, “how?”. Danny smirks as he sits back down, leaning back, “modern problems, Ancient solutions”, leaning closer to Sam and Tucker, “also alternate timely ass could get up to all the age-related tomfuckery”.

They grimace a little but nod. Tucker throws his arm around Danny’s neck, suddenly noting how weird and funny it was how small he was, “guess we got to avoid your tiny ass now”.

Valerie looks at them and sighs, “do I even want to know?”.

The three exchange glances before smirking and speaking in unison, “no”; while the class continues to lose its collective shit in the background. How were they even supposed to explain that Danny’s evil older full ghost self could age shift meaning Danny just so happened to have that ability too? And that ClockWork, being a being that frequently age-shifted, was the best teacher, even if they basically did jack shit, for the ability? Plus, who would want to ruin the glorious beauty of the chaos going on around them right now with silly factual explanations? Bathe in the chaos. Accept that nothing makes sense. Regret baring witness to weirdo trio living up to their name. Worship Satan. Go nuts.

ClockWork, meanwhile, has slipped off comfortably back to their lair. Utterly unsurprised by the two Observants waiting for them with steam basically boiling off their eyes.

End

[lo-55]

Shattered Chains of Fate Ch. 15

A Lifting Fog

Ichigo sat patiently on the cot while Unohana poked and prodded him. He didn’t have a lot of injuries left. Mostly scrapes and bruises, but she was taking a very close look at his eyes, balance, and short term memory. .

Apparently laughing hysterically at the murder of 46 people was a sign of head trauma.

“You don’t seem to have any lasting damage,” she finally concluded. “Most of the injuries you sustained earlier have already healed.”

“That’s Hanataro,” Ichigo says with a smile. It fell quickly. “I mean, uh. I threatened him into helping me. He’s very talented.”

Unohana looked faintly amused under her serenity. “Of course you did. I’m sure you held your zanpakuto so close to his throat he couldn’t even use his shinten to knock you unconscious.”

Ichigo nodded solemnly. “Oh, yeah. Definitely. But anyways, I’m fine. Is Rukia doing better? She was really wiped out…”

“Both of Kuchiki’s are fine. I believe they’ve had a long overdue discussion, actually. That technique you used when she was fighting was certainly… unique. Who taught it to you?”

Ichigo considered his answers before he decided to tell her the truth. They were allies for now.

“I made it up on the spot.”

“You made it up one the spot.” She repeated. One eyebrow arched high. She looked young, but when she’d healed the last of his bad injuries up earlier he’d felt the dangerous undercurrent of her power. She was at least as old as Yamamoto. It was only a shiver of fear at the idea of calling her old that kept him from asking her the same question he’d asked him.  “You really are a very unique person, aren’t you?”

“It’s not that impressive,” Ichigo argued. He could feel his face turning red. “I did something similar as a human. I just pushed my energy into her. Although, as a human I could kinda heal with it…”

“Yes, that’s similar to how healing kido works,” she mused. “ Kaido is a method we use to insert our own energy inside of the body and manipulate the spirit particles, the reishi, that make up the body of the patient so we can put them back together again.”

“That makes sense,” Ichigo taps his fingers on his leg idly. His brows furrowed. With his mystic codes he’d been able to heal grievous wounds and keep people fighting, but he’d never been very good at doing it without. He could make due, he had with Uryu, but that was just jumping his natural healing into overdrive.

Ichigo looked up at her. “I get that I was your enemy not that long ago,” began the boy, “But is there a way for me to learn to heal while I’m here?”

Unohana looked surprised. “You want to heal? I was under the impression that your expertise was in combat.”

“It is,” Ichigo said honestly. “Orihime is a good healer, better than almost anyone I’ve ever seen. But we got seperated here. If it wasn’t for Hanataro, I might have been seriously screwed. Or I might have been fine, but Ganju could have been hurt. A lot of people could have been hurt. And what I can do is very basic. Humans have to study for years to be able to-”

“Yes,” she stepped in, holding up a hand to cut off his rampant justification. Ichigo couldn't help noticing the callouses on her palms and fingers. She was a fighter. She also smiled at him. “ I can teach you.”

Ichigo offered her a half of a grin. “Just so you know, I suck at spellwork.”

“I’m sure we can make due. Now, I’m going to clear you. Please behave while you’re in my division.”

Her smile turned tight at the edges and her eyes narrowed minutely. Fear shot striaght down his spine.

“Y-yes ma-am!” He said quickly. He made his escape quickly. He still wanted to see Rukia, and find out what her and her brother had been talking about. Of all the people to try to step in and protect them he could scarcely believe it was Byakuya. Maybe he’d misjudged him?

Or more likely he’d smacked some sense into him.

Typical.

Ichigo was just trying to figure out how to navigate his way out when he stumbled into someone. Which was weird, because he should have really felt them coming.

Pink kimono, straw had, wavy brown hair.

“Oh. Kyoraku, hey,” Ichigo waved at him.

The man smiled at him. He’d barely had any malice to him the last time they’d met, and now any he’d had ever is vanished behind a kind smile. His assistant, Nanao if Ichigo remembered right, was missing for once.

“Ichigo. It’s good to see you again.”

“You too,” Ichigo nodded to him. “What are you doing here? You didn’t get too banged up, did you?” He’d been worried. Those two had spirited away a man born before the human era, one who Ichigo had been informed was the strongest person in the Seireitei.

Ichigo had picked a fight with the strongest person in the entire dimension. And then started lecturing him on his morality.

  That... sounds right.  

“Just a few bruises,” Kyoraku clapped him on the shoulder and forcefully guided him down the hallway. “I’m here visiting Juushiro. Come along.”

It really wasn’t a question. Ichigo shot him a glower.

“I’m not a dog, you know.”

“Really? You look a little mangy…”

Ichigo elbowed him in the ribs. “Fuck you. Speaking of dogs, is that one guy okay? The werewolf.”

“Werewolf? You mean Komamura? He was in nasty shape, but he’ll recover. He’s a few doors down if you want to introduce yourself properly.”

“...Nah. I don’t think I should. He seemed pretty torn up about the whole betrayal thing and I was kinda just an enemy. It doesn’t really, I guess, feel right?” He struggled to find the right words. Even if he wasn’t the most eloquent, Kyoraku nodded along with him sympathetically.

“Anyways. You said you were here visiting Juushiro, like Ukitake? What happened? You don’t look charred around the edges.” Ichigo gave him a critical once over.

Kyoraku snickered at him and they entered a room. A private hospital room, where Ukitake was sitting up in the bed. Ichigo hadn’t noticed before, he’d been too busy assessing the man’s energy and fighting for his life and Rukia’s, but Ukitake was actually very thin. His wrist bones were too prominent, his cheeks were too thin, and with the low drop the hospital provided robes he could see his collar bones starkly.

If he was this strong sick, how strong would he be normally?

If ‘Ukitake notices Ichigo’s critical once over, he says nothing about it. Only smiles when they get closer.

“Well this is certainly a surprise. Kurosaki, it’s good to see you.”

“Just Ichigo is fine,” he waves his hand. “You helped me after all, and none of my friends call me by my last name.”

“Friends,” Ukitake repeats. His green eyes gentled. “Why don’t you sit for a while with us then. We were just visiting today.”

Ichigo doesn’t know what to do with the way they’re both looking at him. It’s friendly and kind but there’s something else there. Like they’re trying to see where his sharp edges are and where he folds and what will make him change his mind.

To be fair, they’d been enemies before.

Ichigo pulls up a chair and flips it around so he can straddle it and cross his arms over the back.

“How are you, Ichigo? We heard you didn’t very torn up during your confrontation with Aizen.”

“I’m fine. He had me locked in a kido for most of the fight. The worst things I had were some burns from where I broke out of it. Unohana took care of it for me. She’s… nice. Terrifying, but nice.”

“You asked about Ereshkigal before,” Ukitake pointed out. “Why did you-”

Whatever else he was going to say was cut off by a rough coughing fit. Ichigo lurched for him immediately, with Kyoraku only twitching forwards before grabbing the water off the bedside table.

They waited for the coughing to slow down, a full minute later, before Kyoraku gave him the glass. Ichigo was frowning at him.

“Are you okay?” He asked, once he was done with the water. Ukitake nods and smiles crookedly.

“It’s been a frequent occurrence for most of my life, I’m afraid. Even Unohana can’t do anything about it. It’ll go away in a few days, I’m sure.”

Ichigo frowns at him, but nods all the same. A chronic cough could be about a billion things. If it started as a kid that might mean less. Honestly Ichigo is trained for field medicine. Emergencies and stopping bleeding. This kind of thing is beyond him.

Still, he grew up next to a family clinic.

“Have you ever tried human medicine?” he asks. Ukitake looks surprised, but shakes his head the negative.

“No. I can’t say I have. As I understand it isn’t always very effective.”

“Maybe not a couple hundred years ago,” he admits, thinking of battlefields and field hospitals, and how hard Nightingale had had to work to get people to wash their damn hands. “But it’s come a long way recently. Maybe you should give it a try? My dad and Uryu’s both run medical facilities.”

Ukitake eyes him for a long moment, the mention of his father catching his attention. Finally, he nods.

“I may look into that. Thank you.”

The conversation moves on, Ereshkigal forgotten under the feeling that Ichigo had just fucked himself somehow.

* *

Ichigo opened his eyes to grey skies and an amalgamated landscape.

Zangetsu and Nieve were leaning over him, one of them clearly irritated and the other just as calm looking as ever.

“Uh. Hi?”

“It’s about damn time!” Nieve barked at him. Ichigo sat up, slowly, and then stood. It still felt weird to be standing up on the side of a building like this. It was completely unnatural.

“Time for what? I’ve been busy, and I can’t just pop in here whenever I want you know. In case you missed it I’m still in potential enemy territory. I keep expecting to be arrested, whether they say I saved them from something or not. Which, again, I really didn’t. I didn’t even help them unearth that coup! It’s fucking stupid.”

“Are ya done yet?” Nieve asked, his arms crossed over his chest.

“... Not even remotely, but go ahead.”

“Good. We’re bored in here and you’re an emotional disaster-”

“Hey!”

“-in the making. Just look at the sky!”

Ichigo did. It was grey, and cloudy this time.

“What does the weather have to do with anything?”

“The weather,” Zangetsu said in his deep, smooth voice, “is a reflection of you, as all things here are. It reflects your emotions. When you’re sad, it rains here.”

“And ya  are sad,” Nieve poked in.

Ichigo scowled at the both of them. “Yeah so what if I am? I just found out one of my friends is now an enemy, a traitor, and I don’t even know what else right now! I lost my chance to talk to him because I hesitated, and now he’s gone full megalomaniac and he’s going to go overthrow the king.”

He paused.

“Not that I’m against that part. But I like some of these shinigami. I don’t want to see them go to war with him over a king that doesn’t give a rats left tit about any of them.”

“Next time you shouldn’t hesitate,” Zangetsu said wisely. Ichigo nearly hit him.

“What next time?! How many friends do you think I have that forgot we knew each other two hundred years ago in a timeline that’s been erased because it was the end of the world?!”

“At least three,” nieve said without missing a beat. “Maybe four.”

“Okay you know what,” Ichigo pointed at him. “I’ve decided, I don’t like you.”

“No shit? I wonder why,” he rolled his yellow eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean, huh?” Ichigo barked. It felt good though, to speak so openly with people who already knew everything about him. How messed up was it that his best conversation basically happened with himself? He stalked toward nieve, “How did you even get here, huh? I was too busy to care before but I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to have a hollow in my head. That is what you are, isn’t it?”

Nieve froze for just a second, like he’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He collected himself a second later with a loud scoff and a laugh in Ichigo’s face.

“If you wanna know so bad, maybe you should ask that shop keeper. He seems to be tied up in everything else bullshit in your life.”

“Okay. So maybe he is. I’m not asking him.” Ichigo stalked forwards, effectively cornering a piece of himself against a part of a sky scraper. “I’m asking you. You were pissed that I wasn’t listening to you before. Well I’m listening now, aren’t I?”

“I-” Nieve looked over Ichigo’s shoulder at Zangetsu. “I can’t tell ya, partner.”

“Can’t, or won’t?”

“Can’t!” He snapped, glaring over Ichigo’s shoulder.

When Ichigo looked over it, Zangetsu was gone, and when he looked back Nieve was too.

* * *

Ichigo was getting really, really sick of running for his life. Shoudln’t the return home have been easier than the journey to get there?

It wasn’t, and the only thing that saved the five of them from tipping headfirst onto concrete was a timely save from Urahara.

Who apparently had a flying carpet.

Because why not.

He’s not even surprised anymore.

He catches the look in Urahara’s eyes when the man starts to turn around, but Ichigo catches his shoulder before he can do whatever he was planning on doing.

“You know where everyone lives, right?” he asks, perhaps a touch too quickly. “Once everyone’s been dropped off, I wanna talk to you.”

The others are silent. Urahara regards him from under the shadow of his hat before agreeing quietly.

Ichigo bids fond farewell to his friends and sort-of-cousin before their ride takes them back to the little shop that Urahara runs. They touch down in front and walk inside, with the blond in the lead. As soon as they are inside everyone else, even Yoruichi, makes themselves scarce.

Urahara takes Ichigo into one of the back rooms before he sweeps his hat off his head and kneels on the ground before him.  

It makes Ichigo's stomach twist in discomfort.

“I know by now you heard about me. I’m really, very sorry.” It’s the most genuine the man has ever sounded to Ichigo’s ears. Some of the last threads of anger melt away.

He drops to one knee in front of Urahara and knocks his head lightly with his knuckles.

“Cut that out. I’m barely even mad at you, you know.” Now that he’s had a few days to cool his temper.

“You should be,” Urahara looked up at him, his grey eyes searching and weary.

Ichigo shrugged. “I don’t really hold grudges. If anything, you should apologize to Rukia for putting her in harms way. You were trying to do the right thing, weren’t you? And the reason you didn’t tell me anything… It was because you thought I’d run off, wasn’t it?”

“That’s right. Can you honestly tell you wouldn’t have?”

“Yeah,” Ichigo stood up. “I can. If nothing else I would have still needed you to get that gate open. And I don’t run so easy, even from shady shop keepers. Now,” He offered Urahara a hand. “If you’re really that contrite you can make it up to me.”

Urahara eyed his hand before he took it and let Ichigo pull him to his feet. His hat found its rightful home.

“And would that entail, exactly?”

“Two things,” Ichigo held up two fingers. “One; next time you need my help for something, just tell me outright what’s going on. And two; I have two questions that I’d like the absolute truth to.”

“That seems fair. What’s the question?”

“In october, 1888, did you go to the human world?”

Urahara fell silent. He stared at Ichigo for a long, hard minute before he nodded once. “I did.”

Ichigo thought as much.

“Is that when you discovered your Hogyoku?”

Urahara looked like he’d been slapped with a living lobster.

“How could you possibly know that?” he asked, stepping right into Ichigo’s space. “I told everyone that I created it. Did Aizen-”

“He didn’t tell me,” Ichigo planted his hand on Urahara’s chest to keep him from coming in closer. “There were things happening in 1888 in the human world. Things that Chaldea was involved in.”

He hesitated.

“Things that I was involved in.”

Ichigo could see the gears turning in Urahara’s head. He was too smart for his own good.

“That’s impossible. Humans don’t live that long. You were only born a couple of decades ago.”

“Nothing is ever impossible,” Ichigo said frankly.

Urahara’s eyes narrowed minutely. “This has something to do with those friends of your Kon found, doesn’t it?”

Now it was Ichigo’s turn to stare at him. “Huh?”

Urahara changed on a dime. He snapped his fan open over his mouth and shadowed his eyes under his hat. “So you’re not omnipotent. I was worried for a minute there Ichigo!”

“Wouldn’t it be omnipresent? Or omniscient?” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. What were you talking about? What friends?”

“Not until you tell me how you knew about 1888. Everyone else I’ve ever told anything about the Hogyoku to I’ve always said I created it. Not discovered it. So it’s only fair for you to tell me,” he sang.

Ichigo scowled at him. “Would you cut that shit out? You’re so weird. Whatever, I’ll find out on my own.”

“Ichigo-”

“I’ll see you around, Kisuke.”

Ichigo gave his chest a light shove to get past him. Urahara didn’t try to stop him, for which he was grateful. He had too much on his mind. Was he really about to tell a guy he knew had played him like a fiddle once already a truth he’d never admitted to anyone who hadn’t been there with him?

Fuck, what was wrong with him?

He fled the shoten and made his way home under the pale light of the moon. When he carefully stepped through the front door (a trick he would never get used to ) he froze entirely.

In the living room, sleeping on the couch and up against a chair respectively, were two people he thought he’d never see again.

Medusa and Cu Chulainn.

He sprinted up the stairs as fast as he could move and without even a how-do-you-do to Kon he launched the mod soul out of his body and shoved himself inside of it. He left Kon sitting on his pillow before he bolted back down the stairs on light feet and skidded into the living room.

It was still enough noise and movement to have both of the legends up on their feet.

He stood there for a long beat, out of breath, eyes wild and bright.

“Ichigo?” Cu asked, slowly standing. They were both dressed like normal people. “Is that..?”

“It’s him,” was all Medusa said before decking him in the face.

Ichigo stumbled back but didn’t fall. He looked between the two of them. It was hard to see, his eyes were all blurry. How weird.

“You fool. You went rushing into danger without us,” she hissed. Her hair moved restlessly but he knew it was worry more than anger.

“Sorry, Medusa. I didn’t know you would be here. I still don’t. How are you here?” He searched her face. He touched his jaw. “I know I didn’t summon you.”

Cu touched his hand and turned it over so he could the red wings spread across the back of it. Command seals.

“You’re little friend did, using your body for it. We are yours again, master,” Cu said quietly. He didn’t move away when Ichigo’s head fell against his shoulders and when Ichigo’s hands started shaking Medusa’s arm draped over his shoulders.

“How?” He asked quietly. “Chealdeas and the grails supported eighty percent of your mana consumption. I thought there was no way anyone could support a servant outside of Grail Wars.”

“Ichigo,” Cu sounded amused. “How many of us did you have in Chealdeas?”

“Huh? I don’t know. Forty, fifty total?” He hadn’t been close with all of them, but there had been plenty of them.

“Right. So twenty percent of thirty servants equals the full upkeep of at least eight servants. Ichigo. You could have had us with you the entire time.”

Ichigo choked.

He’d been swallowing grief for so long, and he’d never had to.

Nimble fingers pulled through his bright hair.

“We’re here now. And there’s one more waiting for you. Kon didn’t have the fine control to summon someone so rawly powerful. But you do.”

“Tomorrow,” Medusa said firmly. “Tomorrow you can summon him, and tell us about your newest adventure. And,” her hair hissed with her, “You will take us with you on whatever your next one is.”

“Can I even do that? What I’m doing now is basically what Kyo was doing in North America. I know you have spirit forms, but that’s different from human souls. That’s-”

“I’ve never known you to think too much,” Cu mused. “You’re a creature of instinct, aren’t you? Rest. We’ll work it out.”

Ichigo still had questions, but he was such an emotional wreck he didn’t have it in him to fight when the pair bullied him up the stairs and into his old room. The bed was too soft.

The three of them camped out on the floor.

* * * *

Ichigo found, much to his amazement and amusement, that Medusa had basically adopted his sisters while he was gone.

She and Cu had told Isshin that they were Ichigo’s friends from Chaldeas and he’d agreed (much too easily) to let them stay in the livingroom while they were looking for a place to stay. Medusa explained that they’d been guarding his body for him as well.

The entire morning Ichigo felt warm and almost bubbling with excitement. He helped Karin with the table while Medusa and Yuzu puttered around the kitchen and Cu fed birds on the back porch.

It was the most surreal day of his entire life.

The trio left after breakfast and made their way towards Ichigo’s house. Once they were far enough to be overheard, Ichigo started to talk.

“Okay, so how do you expect to help me with what I’m doing now?”

“Well. You know that all heroic spirits have a physical form and a spirit form, yes?”

“Yeah. And that your spirit form isn’t the same as being an actual spirit, since your souls aren’t bound the way regular ones are. Instead of being a part of the cycle of reincarnation or the World, or even the time axis you’re connected to the Throne of heroes, and you manifest through a thaumaturgical anchor. In this case, me.”

“Yes. And it’s because you are our anchor that we’ll be able to do this. Any normal humans we would only be able to interact with them the way a regular human would,” Cu said cheerfully. “You leak power like a broken pipe. You always have. When we were in North America your influence started to take hold. You engraved a part of yourself on our souls, Ichigo. We can see the dead, we can interact with them.”

“We’re supposed to forget,” Medusa said suddenly. “We’re supposed to forget the events of Grail Wars we’re summoned to when we go back to the Throne. But you. You we remember. We all remember. You’re really something, Master.”

“Stop calling me that,” he said automatically, even while his mind turned over the information. He admitted to them. “I never knew I’d be fighting ghosts. I never thought anything like this would happen.”

“I doubt even that trouble maker Merlin could foresee this,” Cu laughed at him. Ichigo elbows his side.

“Quiet you.”

“Am I wrong?”

“... not even remotely. But he gave me back the two of your so I feel like I should be a little nicer to him than normal.”

Cu laughed at him again.

It was interesting, seeing the two of them outside of a war zone and outside of Chaldeas Cu was relaxed in a hawaiian shirt, with his silver earrings glinting in the mid-morning sunlight. Medusa looked smart in a black turtleneck with her hair braided back tightly.

The three made quite a sight.

They were about to make an even weirder one.

Ichigo let them into his house and headed for the basement, flanked on either side. He touched up the magic circle and gathered up two stones in the middle. One grey, one red.

“Is this a piece of your spear?” Ichigo asked, holding it up to Cu.

“A piece of an earring, actually.”

Ichigo’s fingers ran over the rune engraved in it.

“So it is. And this is a piece of your artwork right?” He held the grey stone up to Medusa, who smiled and nodded. That was morbid. Ichigo went to the cardboard box sitting on the table. The one he’d abandoned in his internal crisis. If he’d just opened his damn mail he could have taken Seireitei without any trouble at all.

“If I switch to my own spirit form, will you still be able to draw on my power?”

Cu hummed. “Normally I would say no. In your case? Probably.”

“Lucky me,” Ichigo said. For once he actually meant it.

He pulled out a soft orange scarf. It was tattered and torn, and utterly ancient. Over 3000 years old.

Ichigo laid it down delicately in the middle of the circle and stepped back. Medusa handed him a knife. He cut his palm across an old scar and stepped to the edge of the circle where he held his fist out and over the chalk circle. Blue light crawled across the floor and raced along the edges where it crackled and sparked.

“Let silver and steel be the essence. Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation. Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill. Repeat five times and after each is filled, destroy it,” The blue light turned red and lashed upwards.

“I shall become all the goodness of the heaven’s. I shall embody all evils of hell. My will creates your body, and your sword cleaves my destiny. If you obey this will and reason, heed my call! Let shut the four cardinal gates and open the three-forked road winding to the Root. Appear now, thou Guardian of the Scales.”  

Romani had told him once that each war used a different summoning chant in their rituals. Participants and factions tailored their to specific desires, ancestors, and faction colors in some cases. Ichigo’s was an amalgamation of a half a dozen.

It worked. Ichigo could feel the energy of life swelling up under his skin and filling his magic circuits as he drew it out of the planet and into himself. He was a conduit. The mana of the world rolled through his veins.

He poured it through the circle, filling it until the limits were fit to burst. His blood sang with power.

The light grew, rolling over and over until it was too bright to see beyond it.

Ichigo felt the world give way and shift as the atmosphere made room for someone new. Someone powerful.

“I ask you,” came a familiar voice, “Are you my master?”

“I ask you; stop calling me that already.”

The light parted light a curtain and Ichigo found himself yanked into a sudden, strong embrace. Powerful hands clapped his back firmly.

“I thought I heard your voice!”

“You said you would come whenever I called. No matter where or-”

“When, I remember. I do keep my promises when I’m able to, master.”

“I swear to god,” Ichigo smacked him and shoved the servant away. Green hair, tanned skin.

Achilles grinned down at him.

* * * * *

Before Kyo, before America, before the dark circle was printed on Ichigo’s chest, he stood in a city bathed in fog.  

It was thick and filled with the scent of sorrow.

From the second they landed they were in a fight. Dolls, a strange girl in armor, and homunculi. It was after the last one that Ichigo finally decided they needed to find a base of operations.

Ichigo touched Mash’s shoulder gently. “Let’s get a move on.”

There was something bothering her. She wouldn’t say what. She blamed it on the environment, but Ichigo had known her too long to buy into that.

They get blitzed by a servant before they can find a safe place to hunker down, but just as soon as the fight is over Ichigo forgets what they look like. Mash and Romani are the same. It’s a frightening power. How can they fight someone if they can’t remember anything about them as soon as they’re gone from sight?

They need back up. They need to find a Ley Line so he can summon Cu and Medusa to help them.

Help comes in the form of a brash spitfire of a blonde in knights armor. The same strange girl they’d met earlier.

Her name is Mordred, a knight of the round table. She has a safehouse, and a doctor.

There’s something about Jekyll that makes Ichigo’s skin prickle. He’s a sweet faced young man, with kind green eyes, but there’s something dangerous about him.

Ichigo peers out the window while he gently chides Mordred for revealing her name. The streets are full of ghosts here, that walk uninhibited and forlorn in the mists.

There’s a lot of blondes in this city.

* * * * * *