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Why did he have to move on?

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Bruce Springsteen, Born to Run

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I wish I was brave enough to admit that I failed and should give up.

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I can’t move on, but he did a long time ago

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I miss being touched

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what the actual fuck is wrong with the world. to kiss and be kissed, is it too much to ask for?

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I don’t want to hurt people with my death

Instead I hurt myself with my existence

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My speech patters actually make me wanna never ever leave my room. I hate everything about how I talk. My tone, my cadence, my word choice; it all feels so quintessentially me and completely alien to my mind. I cringe both at how like me I sound, and how fucking strange my voice sounds coming out of my skull. It really fucking sucks.

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What if I just ripped my face off?

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I’m fucking drunk rn and I feel abandoned :( I’m alone all the time

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They play this sick game of will they, won’t they with my safety and wellbeing. I wanna say I’d rather them have kicked me out but that’s not really true. They seem like kind and caring people until they’re reminded of my non Cis-straight-Christian identity. Then they’re cold and venomous, berating me or reminding me that I’m a dirty sinner to them. It wreaks havoc on my sense of self, because, in spite at all this, I still love them and want their approval. I know that they love me too, and that just existing is failing them at this point. I don’t know how to cope with that. I suspect that getting on hrt will fully harden their hearts towards me. Allowing all of us to move on. That’s certainly the most complex and delicate issue in my life, but I’m not done yet! I’m just full of problems~ I think I’m dependent on adderal. I feel normal while it’s working and almost nonfunctional while it’s not. The come-downs are also terrible, I’ll often lose any modicum of focus I have and become near thoughtless, working only off of instinct. I’m highly skeptical of my ability to stop taking it and be able to do even the pitiable tasks I do presently. I find this very worrying, I don’t want to be reliant on my ability to purchase prescription medication. However, in my view the pros outweigh the cons, at least right now. I’ve got a weird issue with my eyes as well. They’re both consistently super dry for little to no reason at all, and any attempt I’ve made (I haven’t really tried more than pinkeye eye drops) hasn’t remedied it. It’s not really painful, but it is super annoying. (2/?)

I’m disgusted by my own body. I’ve been spiraling for THREE AND A HALF weeks now and I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth the whole time. I think I’ve got, like, 3 or four cavities. My parents also stopped paying my medical bills so every treatment I get comes out of my own pocket. I need wisdom teeth surgery too, I spent FIVE WHOLE YEARS in braces only to fuck my teeth up after I get them off. I suck so fucking much. I can’t stop scratching out holes in my face either. I started the week with nothing but small acne sores that’d go away in a week and now I’ve got three massive gashes on my face. That’s not even to mention the fact that I didn’t take a shower for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. I’m so fucking disgusting, why can’t I hyperfixate on being healthy or making myself beautiful? Oh yeah, MY MIND IS A PRISON THAT I CANNOT EVER ESCAPE. When I finished my shower yesterday, I pulled a hairball the size of both my fists put together off of my wet brush. I have curly hair so shedding in the shower is pretty normal, but that much hair? It’s too much! I’m scared to take a shower again and pulling enough hair out to create a bald spot. I already broke a whole lick of hair off right at my hairline so that it looks like I have the worst bangs ever. It also doesn’t help that my arms, back, and thighs are covered in scars from where I picked at sores. And when I say covered, I mean fuckin COVERED. I look like an ambidextrous heroine addict with really bad aim and a lying mother. And even on top of all of that, I’m a trans girl as well. So all of my failings only serve to compound the dysphoria that I feel at a base level every fucking day. I know that these behaviors are indicative of chronic anxiety and/or depression and/or adhd, but I’ve never been this bad. I’m borderline suicidal and incredibly lonely, I think I’m an extrovert with such terrible anxiety that it prevents me from refilling my energy. I think that the worst part of all of this is the fact that I have friends that want to talk to me, they just live far enough away to be too expensive to drive over for an afternoon. And I cannot properly put into words how much I HATE talking on the phone and texting. It’s too stressful trying to figure out how to get the time of a message across, and talking on the phone is just terrible. I had a long term partner of two and a half years until relatively recently. I initiated a break in the relationship because we were extremely co-dependent and had been driving apart for a few months anyways. Long story short, he ended up crossing my boundaries and being an asshole to my friends so I ended the relationship. He didn’t take it very well and now we aren’t in communication with each other anymore. The wild thing about it is we were unhealthily codependent, but I didn’t realize how much I needed him. I’ve been in a prolonged spiral ever since I pushed him away, just feeling absolutely empty and all at once overwhelmed. He was my purpose and I threw him away. All of that was pretty terrible, but almost nothing trumps my mostly fiscally supportive parents. My home life sucks and not just because I’m a fucking loser 20 year old that lives with her parents. There’s only one rule for them, one line I can’t cross, don’t be visibly trans at their house. I must note that I’m the eldest of four and all of my siblings hate me for causing my parent’s terrible mental health. They’re not wrong, but I was outed so I didn’t mean to. So one rule, you’re in the closet over here, okay that doesn’t sound so bad. Literally every conversation I have with either of them always ends up being about their feelings towards my transness. They seem to think I’ve been brainwashed by the trans agenda and am going to mutilate myself and immediately regret it. Every conversation ends like this, over and over again I’m constantly reminded that I’m an abomination or that I’m ruining my life. But here’s the real kicker, they continue to support me financially; even going so far as to offer to pay for college if I can ever get my shit together and get back over there. (1/?)

[rain-tumbling-through-a-vent]

I’m disgusted by my own body. I’ve been spiraling for THREE AND A HALF weeks now and I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth the whole time. I think I’ve got, like, 3 or four cavities. My parents also stopped paying my medical bills so every treatment I get comes out of my own pocket. I need wisdom teeth surgery too, I spent FIVE WHOLE YEARS in braces only to fuck my teeth up after I get them off. I suck so fucking much. I can’t stop scratching out holes in my face either. I started the week with nothing but small acne sores that’d go away in a week and now I’ve got three massive gashes on my face. That’s not even to mention the fact that I didn’t take a shower for THREE WHOLE WEEKS. I’m so fucking disgusting, why can’t I hyperfixate on being healthy or making myself beautiful? Oh yeah, MY MIND IS A PRISON THAT I CANNOT EVER ESCAPE. When I finished my shower yesterday, I pulled a hairball the size of both my fists put together off of my wet brush. I have curly hair so shedding in the shower is pretty normal, but that much hair? It’s too much! I’m scared to take a shower again and pulling enough hair out to create a bald spot. I already broke a whole lick of hair off right at my hairline so that it looks like I have the worst bangs ever. It also doesn’t help that my arms, back, and thighs are covered in scars from where I picked at sores. And when I say covered, I mean fuckin COVERED. I look like an ambidextrous heroine addict with really bad aim and a lying mother. And even on top of all of that, I’m a trans girl as well. So all of my failings only serve to compound the dysphoria that I feel at a base level every fucking day. I know that these behaviors are indicative of chronic anxiety and/or depression and/or adhd, but I’ve never been this bad. I’m borderline suicidal and incredibly lonely, I think I’m an extrovert with such terrible anxiety that it prevents me from refilling my energy. I think that the worst part of all of this is the fact that I have friends that want to talk to me, they just live far enough away to be too expensive to drive over for an afternoon. And I cannot properly put into words how much I HATE talking on the phone and texting. It’s too stressful trying to figure out how to get the time of a message across, and talking on the phone is just terrible. I had a long term partner of two and a half years until relatively recently. I initiated a break in the relationship because we were extremely co-dependent and had been driving apart for a few months anyways. Long story short, he ended up crossing my boundaries and being an asshole to my friends so I ended the relationship. He didn’t take it very well and now we aren’t in communication with each other anymore. The wild thing about it is we were unhealthily codependent, but I didn’t realize how much I needed him. I’ve been in a prolonged spiral ever since I pushed him away, just feeling absolutely empty and all at once overwhelmed. He was my purpose and I threw him away. All of that was pretty terrible, but almost nothing trumps my mostly fiscally supportive parents. My home life sucks and not just because I’m a fucking loser 20 year old that lives with her parents. There’s only one rule for them, one line I can’t cross, don’t be visibly trans at their house. I must note that I’m the eldest of four and all of my siblings hate me for causing my parent’s terrible mental health. They’re not wrong, but I was outed so I didn’t mean to. So one rule, you’re in the closet over here, okay that doesn’t sound so bad. Literally every conversation I have with either of them always ends up being about their feelings towards my transness. They seem to think I’ve been brainwashed by the trans agenda and am going to mutilate myself and immediately regret it. Every conversation ends like this, over and over again I’m constantly reminded that I’m an abomination or that I’m ruining my life. But here’s the real kicker, they continue to support me financially; even going so far as to offer to pay for college if I can ever get my shit together and get back over there. (1/?)

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It feels like I’m living in a disgusting vat of horny, guilt-ridden sadness. My only respite from debilitating guilt is the few moments of productivity brought on by adderal. I’m very proud of my 10,000 word document detailing the life of my dnd character and the order of monks she’s a part of, but I know that it’s completely unnecessary information that will never be used. I’m such a loser that even my productive moods end up useless! The worst part about it is I have every opportunity to go out and make a life for myself. I have a job ready to go, a roof over my head, and a bunch of friends that will support me and tell me when I’m in the wrong. But no, my brain is chronically sad and unable to process the world around me. I’m literally trapped in my own head and can’t get out. I fucking hate living like this. No, I just hate living.

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Why should I live? Why must I go on?

You say, “find joy!”

All joy I sacrifice to perfection.

You say, “Learn contentment!”

I cannot, to live is pain.

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I don’t think I’ll ever be able to just, be.

I’m far too much.