#but to me top surgery is the only surgery i ever want to have
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Guilt rolls in his gut when he gets the door open and he is met with the sight of his frazzled wife, her hair in a haphazard bun on top of her head, dressed in the clothes he’s fairly sure she was wearing three days ago with milk stains on the shoulder of a shirt that used to be his.
AKA - the one where Aaron comes home from a case to find his wife and their newborn baby girl worn out from a lack of sleep.
-x-
Hi besties,
I am exhausted after being back at work for the first time since my surgery. I've only been working in the mornings but I am worn out...I'm not entirely sure my brain was even switched on when I wrote this. I just opened my laptop, opened a Google Doc and started to type.
I really hope you enjoy this. It's just some soft hotchniss (softniss hehe) that I think we all deserve <3
As always, let me know what you think!
-x-
Warnings: None
Words: 2.2k
Read over on Ao3, or below the cut
Aaron hears Alice crying through the front door, the baby’s wails piercing through the thick solid wood as if it were made of nothing more than plasterboard. The guilt he’d been battling the last few days, which had simmered low in his gut whenever he thought about his wife at home alone with their newborn and Jack, comes back with a vengeance. A spark of it catching fire in his veins as he digs through his pockets to find his keys, desperate to get into the house and help in a way he hadn’t been able to do from two states away.
He’d hesitated in the first place, not sure he wanted to leave Emily and the kids at home only a month after Alice had been born, but Strauss had given him no choice. He had taken the first two weeks of his daughter’s life off of work, and had allowed himself to sink into the happy, exhausting, bubble he and Emily’s home had turned into. Going back to work at all had been hard, his heart in a vice as he walked out of the house for the first time for longer than simply going to the store to get milk or bread, but going away on his first case three days ago had been harder. He’d called every night, smiled at every picture Emily sent him of the kids together, and missed them all more than he could put into words.
The guilt rolls in his gut when he gets the door open and he is met with the sight of his frazzled wife, her hair in a haphazard bun on top of her head, dressed in the clothes he’s fairly sure she was wearing three days ago with milk stains on the shoulder of a shirt that used to be his. She has Alice in her arms, her body tense as she tries to soothe the newborn, her posture getting visibly tighter with their daughter’s continued cries. Emily had sounded tired whenever they spoke. A croak to her voice that had once meant hangovers and late nights with the girls, her head in his lap as she lamented that last shot of tequila as he offered to go buy fast food for her, or the end of a long case when they’d slink into bed together, her face pressed against his neck, already half asleep before he tugged the covers over them.
He wonders if she’s slept at all whilst he’s been gone, if he should have pushed more whenever she insisted she was fine, but he couldn’t change that now. All he could do was help her, to look after both of his girls in whatever way they needed him.
“Hi sweetheart,” he says, smiling as he steps towards her, his heart aching when she looks at him with tired eyes, never stopping the way she’s rocking side to side in an attempt to soothe Alice. One hand on the tiny baby’s back and the other cupping her head, her thumb tracing back and forth over her temple in a way they’d learnt calmed her down when she was just hours old.
“Hi,” she chokes out, her eyes shining as her voice cracks. She’s as on edge as he’s ever known her to be, barely holding herself together, and he drops his go-bag to the floor, all of his focus on her, “You’re home.”
She sounds so relieved it breaks his heart, makes the pieces she’d put back together herself facture, guilt and regret slipping into the gaps as he wonders why he didn’t just tell Strauss no when she told him he needed to return to full duties.
He shakes it off, pushes away however he’s feeling right now because whatever she’s feeling is infinitely more important. Her usual emotional control was long gone, left somewhere in her first trimester when she started to cry at anything. It frustrated her to no end, made her angry at herself whenever she’d get emotional over something she deemed ridiculous, and he knew he had to tread carefully.
He didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was.
“Yeah,” he says, stepping towards them, “I’m home,” he leans in and kisses her forehead and then kisses the top of Alice’s head, catching Emily’s thumb at the same time. He places his hand on Emily’s back and rubs a circle on it. He feels more than hears her sharp intake of breath and he knows he’s only seconds away from both of them being in tears, “Do you want me to take her, sweetheart?”
She sucks in a breath and then blows it out, her cheeks puffing with it as she looks up at the ceiling, a failed attempt to stop tears pushing past her lashline, “I’ve been trying to get her down for hours,” she says, her lips pressed together as her chin trembles, “It’s been like this since you left. She won’t sleep. Jess came to get Jack a few hours ago, he’s sleeping over at hers tonight so at least he can get some sleep,” she sucks in a breath again and it catches on her ribs, the ache of it something that rattles in her chest, “I’m so tired, Aaron.”
He kisses her forehead again, “Let me take her, okay?” He says gently, still rubbing circles on Emily’s back as she finally stops swaying side to side. She nods, too tired to fight him on the request, to insist that she could do it because she wasn’t sure she could. She kisses Alice’s head, whispering an apology against her dark hair before she hands her over, “She’ll be due a feed soon, right?”
She nods, her arms tight across her chest, her arms aching both from now being empty and from what felt like holding Alice nonstop for days, “Yeah. I kept trying to nurse her to see if that was why she wouldn’t settle but she just wouldn’t latch.”
“Is there milk in the fridge?” He asks, shifting from side to side like she had been, and Emily wraps her arms around herself even tighter when it works almost immediately, Alice’s cries quietening down to a whimper as if all she’d wanted all along was her father.
“Some. I pumped this morning,” she answers and he looks up at her, his smile so kind and soft she almost bursts into tears. She struggles to suck in a breath, her lungs stuffed full of sadness and every bad thing she’d been thinking about herself the last few days, “Haven’t really had a chance since.”
“Why don’t you go and have some time to yourself?” He suggests, “I’ll try and settle Little Miss Hotchner.”
She wants to argue again but can’t, all of her energy focused on holding herself together, on the way Alice was practically silent now, her fist in her mouth as she self soothes for the first time in hours.
“I…I might go shower,” she says, pointing over her shoulder to the stairs, “I don’t remember the last time I did.”
Aaron nods, “I’ll meet you up there, okay?”
“Okay,” she replies, looking at them once more, her gaze lingering before she turns around and disappears up the stairs, the drag of her tired feet against the floor echoing throughout the hallway.
He sighs when he can no longer see her, and he looks down at Alice, her dark wide eyes meeting his, “You really put Mommy through it the last few days, huh?” He says, kissing the top of her head as he heads to the kitchen, “We’re going to make sure you have something to eat and then get some sleep,” he kisses her again, “And then I’ll make sure Mommy does the same.”
___
He settles Alice into her bassinet with the same level of care and anxiety he’d have if moving an active bomb. He holds his breath as he lays her down, sighing happily when she stays asleep. He steps away, making sure he grabs the baby monitor as he goes even though he knows he won’t be far enough away to truly need it. He pauses when he makes it to the door of the ensuite and knocks before he walks in.
He hadn’t heard running water at any point even though he knew Emily was in there, so he half expects to find her sat on the floor, asleep and propped up against the wall. Instead, he finds her sitting on the closed toilet seat, her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, her sigh audible as he gently closes the door behind him.
“Is she asleep?”
He nods, even though she doesn’t look up, and then kneels in front of her, ignoring the crack in his knees as they hit the tiled floor, “She’s asleep,” he says, reaching for her hand and linking their fingers together, running his finger back and forth over the pulse point on her wrist, “I thought you were going to shower.”
She laughs humourlessly, “I was going to but…I don’t have the energy. The thought of washing my hair made me cry…” She shakes her head at herself, wiping a stray tear from her cheek, “So I sat down for a minute and lost track of time I guess.” She sniffs and shakes her head, her lips pressed together as she tries and fails to hold back a sob, “I don’t think I’m any good at this.”
He squeezes her hand, “You don’t think you’re any good at what, sweetheart?”
“Being her mom.”
He barely has time to register what she’s said, the insecurity he’d seen thrumming beneath her skin since he’d got home lingering in the air between them, because she bursts into tears. A sob catching in her throat as she leans forward into the embrace she knows he’ll have waiting. He wraps his arms around her, holding her close as he rubs his hand up and down her arm.
“You’re an amazing mom,” he says, kissing her temple, “Alice and Jack are both so lucky to have you.”
She scoffs and shakes her head as she pulls back to look at him, “I can’t even get my baby to sleep,” she furiously wipes tears from her cheeks, “I tried for hours and she just settled immediately for you.”
“Sweetheart,” he says, cupping her cheek to encourage her to look at him, “You’re exhausted. She was too. And you were both overwhelmed and making each other more unsettled. It happens and it doesn’t make you anything less than an incredible mom,” he rests his forehead against hers, “Alice loves you. So much,” he smiles as he squeezes her hand, “We all do.”
She blows out a stuttering breath, not entirely sure if she believes him, and she shakes her head, “I’m just…I’m so tired Aaron.”
“I know you are,” he says, kissing her before he stands up, “Which is why I’m going to help you shower, hair washing entirely optional,” he smiles when she does, her lips pressed together as she tries to capture it, “Then whilst you get ready for bed, I’ll go downstairs and get you something to eat,” he wipes a stray tear from her cheek, “And then after you’ve eaten you can sleep. I’ll keep an eye on Alice until she next needs to be fed,” he tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear, “That’s when you’ll have to step in I’m afraid. I used the last of the milk in the fridge earlier, and I lack the equipment to feed her myself.”
Emily chuckles dryly and reaches out for him, stroking her thumb over his jawline as she cups his face, “What did I do to deserve you?” She says, her lips shaking as she desperately tries to stop crying, “I didn’t even ask how you are, or how the case was. You just walked straight into chaos.”
He smiles and kisses her forehead before he stands, “The most beautiful kind of chaos,” he says, offering her his hand to help her up, “The real question is, what did I do to deserve you?”
She rolls her eyes at him, the tightness in her chest easing for the first time in days, “Why don’t we just agree that we’re both lucky to have each other?”
He stamps his lips against hers, “I can agree to that,” he says, “Now,” he says, “Hair wash, or no hair wash?”
She scrunches her nose up, “No hair wash tonight,” she yawns, too tired to even try to hide it as she nods towards the shower, “I’m worried I’ll fall asleep in there even with your help,” she smiles at him, “So, just a shower tonight. Maybe you could help me wash my hair tomorrow though?”
He kisses her, his smile pressed against hers, and then he pulls back, taking a moment to revel in her beauty. Stained t-shirt and tired eyes and all. “Tomorrow it is.”
#aaron hotchner#emily prentiss#aaron hotchner fanfiction#hotchniss fanfic#emily prentiss fanfiction#hotchniss fan fic#aaron x emily#hotchniss fanfiction#hotchniss#aaron hotchner x emily prentiss
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I think out of spite of all tooth whitening & straightening products im gonna give all my characters yellow and wonky teeth, unless they’re vain assholes where it makes sense for them to shill out all the money for it
#shut up ray#unless your teeth are causing physical discomfort (like mine do sometimes) i rlly see no reason for ‘fixing’ them#i have one tooth literally being pushed to the back by another and it worries me#not cos its ugly#but cos its 100% gonna cause me problems in the future#ppl think gaps between the top incisors need ‘fixing’… are you shitting me????#unless its causing genuine problems i dont see the problem#im just… im getting sick to death of purely cosmetic shit being done to ‘fix’ things that aren’t broken#and i know ppl will call me a hypocrite cos i want top surgery but idk man#that feels different? i cant explain why#as someone w/ wonky stained teeth and a big bent nose#it makes me fucking furious to think that society views those things as needing to be ‘fixed’#maybe being trans puts my bodily issues into perspective idk#but to me top surgery is the only surgery i ever want to have#any other issues i have are small fucking beans compared to how uncomfortable my chest makes me#its not just ‘oh ew kinda ugly’ its ‘this makes me unable to live in my body. i have to constanly live in a state of partial dissociation-#-just to get by’ and idk man…#big noses are beautiful#teeth ate unique in all their patterns#why do we have to all look the fucking same i hate it here#tag rambles#anyway…. i know there’s more important shit to talk abt..#but idk#i just see fucking red when im forced to watch the 1000th advert for teeth whitening shit#as long as my teeth and causing me pain or falling out or breaking. dude thats great w/ me!#if i can get to 50 and still have all my teeth intact that would be a fucking miracle
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1 week until surgery...my brain keeps trying to talk me out of it bc i dont Need it and im scared of medical environments and Pain but i have to remember this is one of the only things that has ever made me consider wanting a tattoo and also the only thing that's made me Excited For and Wanting visible scars...
And also I've been making "i want sterilization and testosterone" meltdown tweets every other week for many many years so we're scratching one off the list LOL
#talkys#i even told me dad like my life is at a standstill bc theres too many choices. i dont have a passion so i could be anything but#i cant pick a future...! but this is the only thing ive ever been sure abt#like genuinely truly bc i still dk if i want top surgery and I know id be grappling wirh finally going on hrt if i had access to it#bc im Scared of my own decisions. if i make a decision and hate it it will be my fault#this is the only decision ive ever been sure of even if i dont need it even if i never ''need'' it#the One True Dysphoria Subject (other than *** ****** * **** of course but nothing can be done abt that.)#i dont want my body to be capable of it i want it to be mine forever and not something tragedy can happen to.#also abt the scars thing: i was more against ir a few yrs ago but along with top surgery being a more demanding surgery ive#never rly liked the thought of scars. like. idk. just adds insult to injury that my body had to be modified instead of being born right#but this? i want visible scars i get sad that ppl say they (understandably) fade away easily. symbols of honor#i dont like permanence (lmfao) in other categories so i wouldnt get the neutered tattoo but its adjacent to wanting the scars lol
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Though there seems no continuation plans for that DP comic you just dropped, would you be willing to share any storyline? I’m INVESTED 👀❤️
Oh god its kills me how I want to draw the whole thing out, and maybe one day? But honestly I don't think it will happen any time soon if at all soooo...
The story is that between the first and second page, Danny is unknowingly dipped into another dimension where instead of going thru the portal w/ Sam and Tucker behind him, he went in alone. This alternate version of him didn't tell anyone about his powers and after the first fight he had he decided he was too much of a risk and ran away. Thus Sam and Tucker telling *our* Danny he's been missing for two years. (so theyre 16 here)
The comic would cover Danny trying to pass as this other Danny, him meeting the other Danny, and trying to get back to his dimension. Its suppose to be very touching and heartfelt yada yada I have the first chapter sketched out but its like 20 pages and he hasn't even met the other danny yet 😭
This is the title part I made. The name comes from a twilight zone episode that I thought fit rlly well. I've also posted a lot of concept art like floor plans and shit cuz I *needs* that stuff when I'm making comics.
also had another comic idea that I'll never get to where a villain starts turning ghosts into horrible monster creatures and Danny gets turned into one, which is suppose to be much spookier but still fun.
I'm gonna give myself some more time to see how feasible it would be to make the comics and if not I will probs shit out all my brain splatters about it onto tumblr :p Thank you so much for asking about it 🥺👉👈
#it would be suuuch a long comic i think and i would at least want to have it all sorta sketched out before i made any major commitments#the only comic i've ever done is my short what we do in the shadows comic#which was much shorter and done in a lot simpler style#i appreciate the interest so fucking much tho holy hell thats def gonna give me the juice needed to look everything over again#i would want to see the two dannys interacting in the comic as well as sam and tuck interacting with both#a few shenangians where the two dannys have to continously swap places so theres not two dannys in the same place at once#theres a part i was thinking of where our danny is like holy shit youve been in the woods for two years you never got top surgery#and the other one is like YOU GOT TOP SURGERY?? HELL YEAH#also want to mess around with Vlad and ofc clockwork is there because the whole dimension-y shenanigans are up his alley#also i just love clockwork#asks#dupree
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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Me after saying DID doesn't affect me too bad as if it doesn't make me completely unable to feel any excitement and joy for reaching the most important goals
#rea's rambling#rea's dumbfuck posts#started t and im feeling nothing. ive been waiting 6 years for this. i feel nothing#i see people crying in joy when they start t and i cant even remember if i put it on that morning or not#im js. numb#im tired#i got top surgery and i feel nothing#i havent felt gender euphoria in years. i dont think i ever felt it#i want to be like other trans guys but i dont have a personality and can only match other people's energies so of nobody is euphoric for me#then i cant be either.#i hate myself why cant i be normal for once#rant in tags#vent in tags#did#did system#dissociative identity disorder#cdd system#complex dissociative disorder#ftm system#trans system
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Is there a body reference how Felix used to look like and now?
granted that this one is a slightly old villager verse and probably needs redone; You can well assume that he's pear shaped now.
As for pre-transition, I currently decline due to insecurity and distrust; I'm still burned from an older situation for the time being, and it's a little complicated due to things like medications;; I have proportions that're unnatural for me due to weight gain, but being on and off T has made em fluctuate; the first time I took it, my tits shrank a lot, which only confirmed my suspicions.
Anyways, here's a nice selfie post T;
#ask#long post#ooc.#yea uh. until I've made peace and gotten further along; absofuckinglutely not on exact pre-T references. viddy game/outfit only.#I've already had a partner get 'sentimental' and only want to RP with previous verses#it gives me double dysphoria cause even if i was cis it has been. uncomfortable. I'm shaped more like highschool me with a binder than ever#i know old art references are on like. the internet somewhere. deviantart. etc. but I'm not gonna dig for that.#also: I dunno how skinny/fat I'll end up after top surgery/prolonged T. the weight i have is liable to melt off at any time tbh#trans talk.#one thing you can know; short torso. normal legs. I don't look short in pictures lmaooo#anonymous
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trying to check out to see if i'll ever manage to get top surgery this year and. let's just say i thought the delay would be bigger but. the price is still always such a big ass problem i kinda wanna bash my head against a wall but. anyway
#living with 600/month and having no idea if i'll ever get a job after this semi-work that ends in march but. oh well!!!#already tried to calculate if i could ever save any money from the little time i get to work there but!!! only make me wanna cry#im afraid this will be another year w/o top surgery 😀 dying in the summer and wishing to rip my skin off. w/o the hope i'll at least#get a date some day. cos at this rate i have absolutely no hope ngl.#the whole organisation to get to one of the potential surgeon 2h away is already making me want to explode#i have absolutely no idea how i'll ever be able to pull this off. ever. i don't even know if we'll be able to stay in this flat by the end#of our contracts. so. yeah#i can't see past 4 months away how can i think i'll ever be able to start this thing going. trying to but i stay silly ing the situation but#!!!!! im so desperate i feel so drained and exhausted. the mere idea of summer makes me wanna kms i'm dreading going through it another year#smh.#absolutely no one gives a shit i shouldn't vent in da tags for the 1 day of the yea#but im suddenly hit with an enormous wave of despair that i know won't go away cos it's always on my mind#and seeing the facts once again that i'll prob never be able to afford it is not helpiiiinh#yes i live in france no not everything is paid by healthcare cos it's still considered as non vital </3333#dental/ear/teeth problems started to get fully refundable (on specific little things) only a few years ago#so we're like decades of getting top surgery refunded 100% im afraid</3#i shouldn't complain but then again what's the use of cool healthcare if we can't ever have access to a doctor. of any kind.#smh smh smh#rent over I'm sick of myself i'll shut up sorry
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ive just accepted im just never going to fit cleanly into any label or community ever
#blaire.txt#vent incoming sorry ik this is probably really annoying#and im also sorry if this comes off insensitive or ''i have it SO hard'' i dont mean to be like that#but just. no matter how my identity rolls out i always feel like an imposter in some way#when i ided as a lesbian i already knew i was nonbinary and despite my yearning to experience it; i never knew and will never experience#being a lesbian and a binary woman. and ofc when i ided as a nonbinary lesbian was during that whole bullshit ''nonbinary people cant be#lesbians'' debate that resurfaced so that didnt fucking help#but im not a lesbian im bi so that was easy i guess. or easier#not being binary or very knowledgeable on queer history (tbh i want to change this im not proud of that) and having not participated in#many pride events and queer spaces irl (due to uh. yunno. Covid lol)#has like really made me feel like an imposter that just doesnt fit in anywhere#and now coming to terms with me being transmasc and having a strong attraction towards men and nonbinary folks has really uh. shaken things#up#and not fully in a good way bc its left me scrambling to put together the pieces#its left me in sooooooooooooo much distress i feel like so sick over it#its. not fun. esp bc im still pre-op so very girlish in appearance and voice eugh#and on top of that im also still nonbinary and do feel more neutral/androgynous some days and also consider myself gnc bc i like feminine#clothes and stuff so like. AUGH! and im also fucking 5'1-2 so no matter if i bind or get top surgery or etc i dont think ill ever pass as#not a girl so . pain!#and even saying all that makes me feel guilty bc its like. is that just internalized misogyny? am i misogynistic for feeling this way? and#IK IN MY RATIONAL MIND THATS BULLSHIT AND THIS IS *ONLY* ABT ME NOT OTHER TRANSMASCS AND NBLMS/MLMS TO BE CLEAR#im just an anxious mess with ocd and anxiety in general that just loooooooooooves latching onto bullshit like this to prove im predatory or#weird. also other ocd themes dont fucking help?#idk ill shut up now i need to be on a call but just like. its painful bc i dont feel like i fit into any queer communities lol#this also applies to disability stuff but im NOT cracking that can of worms open today sorry#ok gopdbye for now . responses are ok btw but also no pressure im kinda just emptying my head lol#vent#rant#ask to tag
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tmiposting but I’m on mobile so it can’t be a read more so it’s in the tags
#hooked up with my boy and it was the last time im gonna get off in the body I was born with - bottom surgery on wednesday#so I asked him to touch me for the first time (usually I’m a bit stone-ish and he’s a gold star gay with no prior trans experience)#and he did and I noticed he was loving it. and he held me. and I thought ‘it’s okay. he’s got you. You’re safe and cared for’#and finished as I was having that thought#and afterwards he topped me but only lasted like 2 minutes because he said getting me off drove him crazy#this was after a weekend of him sitting on my lap (despite being an actual foot taller than me) and talking for hours and#making me laugh til I couldn’t breathe and showing me songs that reminded him of me and whimpering when I pet his hair and#laughing while I kissed his stomach and wearing matching holiday sweaters while we went grocery shopping before baking together#these things usually don’t last forever but Christ if this one didn’t arrive at the perfect time. What a gentle goodbye to the body I was#born with#this is what I deserve and I don’t ever want to accept anything less again
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I’ve been told to make this caption from one of my photos (yes this is me in the photo). I have no control over any of this, I’ve been told what tags to use and how long the post is to be pinned to the top of my page. 😥
The post is up for three months (until June 8) and I am scared about how long I’ll get!!
P-p-please be nice. I d-d-don’t want my life ruined!! 😭😭😭
Update. If this post hits 100 REBLOGS I have to get a larger plug and dildo.
Update 2. You are all mean (specially @count-alta with your 20-odd reblogs)😤😭😭 I now have to get a larger plug and dildo. If it gets to 300 REBLOGS then I have to make a Discord server to show that I am in fact wearing the cage and plug 😭😭😭😭 this is getting both out of control and expensive
Update 3. It hasn’t even been a week. 😢😢 I’ve been instructed to add note milestones. I’ve only been given a couple for now but more will be added if any of you suggest something my dominant likes.
Update 4. I’m back from a brief hiatus from Tumblr while I settled into a new job, and I discovered that this post really took off. I now have to make discord (coming soon) and I’ve been given a new Reblog MILESTONE. If this post reaches 500 Reblogs I will have to start HRT. If it hits 1000 Reblogs then I have to find a man to fuck me on camera 😭😭😭😭. Please be nice.
Update 5: whelp it’s done. My Discord server is live
1500 notes: I have to keep myself hairless from the nose down.
1700 notes: Make an Amazon Wishlist and add 100 toys and clothes for anyone to buy. Anyone who buys them will get a free show with what they bought
1800 notes: my hair must be grown out
2000 notes: I have to resume my BambiSleeps regimen
2500 notes: Practice deepthroating the current sized dildo twice a week
2750 notes: I now have listen to Bambi sleeps every morning, afternoon and night on my days off
3000 notes: Sit on a 7-inch dildo 2 times a week for 30 min
3250 notes: I have to start using she/her pronouns
3500 notes: I have start wearing a bra everyday
3750 notes: Use a large plug now
4000 notes: I have to start an OF (ManyVids and webcamming as well once I find a better living arrangement)
4250: I have to film myself suck cock
4500 notes: i can only ever cum from anal
5000 notes: I can only wear androgynous clothing. Nothing overtly masculine
5100 notes: Sit on an 8-inch dildo 3 times a week for 30 min
5400 notes: Listen to Bambisleep hypno every time I do anal
6000 notes: edge with a Hitachi magic wand for 30 once a week
6500 notes: start using a ball gag whenever I do anal
7100 notes: Once a week I have to film myself anal training and share it to the discord channel
8000 notes: Sit on a 9-inch dildo 4 times a week for 30 min
8500 notes: I must listen to ALL hypno that is sent to me
9000 notes: The Hitachi edging session becomes twice a week
12300 notes: Clicker train myself to get horny to the thought of cock
13200 notes: Use an XL plug now
13500 notes: Only use 10-inch toys from now on sit on it 6 times a week for 30 min, once a week use a 12+ inch toy
15000 notes: I have to get either bottom surgery or an orchiectomy
20000 notes: I have to be spit roasted
25000 notes: I have to be the center of a Blow Bang
32500 notes: I have to be the center of a Gangbang 😳😳😳
#feminine sissy#submisive sissy#beta sissy#sissy tasks#sissifyme#humiliation sissy#permanent feminization#ruin me pls. so fkn hot#ruin my life#forced feminized#naughty sissy#beta sub#feminization hypnosis#feminizationtraining#humiliated sissy#caged chastity#locked in caged#sissy caged#cage slave#sissy and slave#reblog#bambi sleep#bambification#bambisleep#bambi subliminals#bimbo toy#bimbo in training#trans bimbo#trans nsft#trans ns/fw
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Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.
I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.
Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.
I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.
5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.
I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.
I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.
I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.
I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.
I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.
But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.
I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.
It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.
Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.
It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.
You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.
Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.
Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.
#ftm#ftx#genderqueer#transgender#lgbtqiaplus#lgbtqia#queer#trans#trans man#transmasc#trans masculinity#transmasculine#queer masculinty#trans men#trans writing#trans writers#trans pride#transblr#queer writers#queer artist#queer community#queer pride#lgbtq#non binary#genderfluid#lgbtq community#enby#enby pride#trans nonbinary#gor3sigil.txt
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#i am not doing well#i overheard my parents the other night talking about how they dont accept me that they dont believe in nonbinary genders and how they#hate it so much#ive been out for 6 years and i know they struggle to understand especially my dad but my mum has always said she supports and accepts me#she helped me legally change my name and said her and my dad would pay for my top surgery if it ever happened#shes always doing research and asking questions so i thought she understood at least a little#i feel betrayed and abandoned by the only people in my family who i thought actually accepted me and would stand up for me#guess it was a fucking lie#this is literally my worst fear come true im so anxious and scared of people making fun of me behind my back or#lying that they like or accept me out of pity#i dont know how to wrap my head around that i cant trust my mum my comfort person#i feel like an idiot ive been saying for years how lucky i am to have parents who are trying who support me who encourage me to be who i am#turns out theyre no better than my aunt who blamed me for turning my cousin gay and trans they just lied cause they thought id kill myself#ive been wanting to move out for a while cause if my dads drinking and temper but i cant stanf being near them rn#i cant really do anything though cause nearly all the student accommodation is full and i dont know the process for renting#my mum has me so sheltered from reality i dont know how to do anything#im so tired
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im also just so excited to finally live on my own!! my family has started to kinda... slowly get our shit together the past year or so so things aren't as wildly stressful and dysfunctional around here anymore, but they're still Loud and prone to fighting and nobody else does any chores or cleaning, etc etc, and i think once i just have to maintain my own little space ill feel a lot happier. mostly just want to not have to be wearing noise cancelling headphones to get anything done.
#i just dont like sharing space idk#its very stressful#to clean after other ppl and like not get to be alone ever#and i get to decorate how i want and cook my own meals that i actually like and manage my own finances and not listen to my parents fightin#:)#i wanna try to get a job by next summer too so i can save for top surgery#my parents MIGHT be paying for my name change as my graduation present#(which would mean sm more to me than like. a fancy watch or whatever. and save me sm trouble and sm money)#in that case im only 1-3k away from it#possibly even have enough to put down the required 1/2 of the cost if my dads insurance will cover it (they should)
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head hurts so much I HATE YOU SUMMER I HATE YOUUUU :'(((((((
#i keep saying to myself i would love summer once i get a top surgery but!!!! im not really sure!!#i would have to not be poor so i can get a real fan and/or an AC to ever enjoy summer.#and i hAVE TO GO OUT THIS AFTERNOON AOUGH!!!! i don't want to bind im so tired :(((( staging made me have to bind almost everyday this month#and i have a 8 month contract coming up 😵💫 even if it'll go through summer and i'll get to wear more layers#but will be stealth so 😵💫😵💫😵💫 will probably have to bind everyday too. thank fuck i'll work only during the morning#but even the thought of 8 month of binding half of the day is making me so miserable i hate itttttt#hater mode rn im so grumpy i hate the heat i hate sweating for no reasons and i hate it here and not having access to top surgery#like i would like to try to raise money to get a new binder so i don't spend 8 hellish months#but 1) it sucks ass that i have to buy a new one 2) no one will probably be interest enough in my art to buy anything#3) only the small size is not out of stock on the binder w/ zipper i want 🤡 4) would rather to raise money for top surgery#but that's truly not the same budget. innit.#tomtom_is_rambling#tomtom is GRUMPY!!!!!! TOMTOM HATES LIVING IN DA SUMMER!!!!
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Love and Deepspace men x fem!reader slightly unhinged HCs
I started Love and Deepspace yesterday so please have my slightly unhinged HCs for the men so far. And minors don’t you dare interact
Part 2
Rafayel
He’s a biter. Leaves you covered in marks from your neck all the way down your thighs.
Plans a date where he’s laid out a huge canvas on the floor of his studio, puts your fave color paint on your hands and his favorite color on his hands, plus several globs of the two colors across the canvas, and then proceeds to have the wildest three rounds of sex on that canvas as it gets progressively more covered in paint. Sells the painting for 6 figures a few weeks later and uses it as an excuse that you need to make more of them.
Tells you his best masterpiece is painting your body with his cum—got really into it once and dipped the paint brush into your cunt to collect his cum and then painted it across your breasts
Has a secret sketch book that’s nothing but pictures of you. Lots of them are of you sleeping when he can study your features but there’s still quite a few he drew from memory.
Made you lay down naked with your legs spread and be still so he could draw the most detailed image of your pussy you could possibly imagine. It’s his personal fave that no one besides him will ever see.
Sees shibari as a beautiful art form and likes to practice with you—has a whole album in his phone just of pics of you tied up all pretty for him
Rarely gets soft in a serious way, he much prefers the teasing back and forth you two usually have.
Xavier
He’s definitely broken into your room Edward Cullen style and watched you sleep
His favorite dates are taking you into the forest at night to watch the stars and moon together. Bonus points if you come across a wanderer and get to fight together.
Clingy after you become his, always wants to be touching you and doesn’t let you out of his sight (and yes that means sometimes he’s following you but it’s just because you’re brave and reckless and he worries)
When he eats you out, he holds both your hands in his for you to hold on to and does it with no hands—makes you cum more times on his tongue than you could fathom (and yes, he’s eating you for his pleasure)
Downloaded a tracker into your watch so he can know where you are at all times
Gets horny when he watches you fight and has def pulled you aside during a mission for a quickie in which you end up having your cunt stuffed with cum for the remainder of the mission
Such a cuddler but like a cat where he only wants to cuddle if he wants to—falls asleep nearly instantly in your arms like the cute sleepyhead he is
Zayne
Finds it so cute the first time he comes to your apartment and sees all the little snow creatures he’d made you sitting in a windowsill together. Makes you so many more after that. Sends you a bouquet of flowers made from his ice too (#Elsa)
Has food delivered to you at lunch on days he knows you’re super busy so you don’t forget to eat since you often forget to take care of yourself (he doesn’t mind too much since he likes that you let him take care of you)
Prefers kisses over hugs, except when he’s sad because of a patient (then he likes the warm comfort of your hugs)
Moves his glasses to the top of his head and rubs the bridge of his nose when he gets really stressed
Brings you a mild painkiller after blowing your back out, a smug but tiny smile on his lips, and tells you, “I was a bit rough so humor me and take this medicine. I don’t want you in excess pain because of me.”
Loves when you want to lay on his chest when he’s reading through cases and medical journals at night. He’ll read them out loud until you fall asleep and then finish them quietly as you snore softly into his chest
Calls you before a difficult surgery because your voice instantly calms him down
Into bondage—specifically he likes to tie you up so you can’t escape when he starts to overstimulate you. He really can’t help it, you just make such pretty noises for him when he gets you to that point that he has to keep going
Tags: @adaurielle @luffysprincess @seraphofthesimps
#love and deepspace#love and Deepspace HCs#zayne love and deepspace#Zayne HCs#zayne x reader#rafayel#rafayel love and deepspace#rafayel HCs#rafayel x reader#Xavier x reader#xavier love and deepspace
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