#but to me that one kinda sucked. maybe it was just hard following the energy of their previous 2 matches

[spinetacks]

🐌 💤

[tommygettingwrittenoff]

i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.

[euniexenoblade]

I may have asked you this before, and I'm really sorry, so I'm gonna be on anon for this. I. hate. cleaning. I've always hated cleaning. I just...have some strange aversion to cleaning. When I'm elsewhere, I clean just fine. But when it's my own stuff and area...I just avoid it for as long as possible. Executive dysfunction really sucks. What advice do you have that you can give me?

Executive dysfunction is tough, because it's really really hard to get around sometimes. Nothing I say will be a sure fire way to get through it, but I hope something I say can be helpful.

First of all, do not expect that you'll clean the whole house or anything. Just focus on a small amount at a time. Doesn't even have to be a whole room. Make it like, "today I will take care of x in the bathroom." It'll be so much easier. Maybe do like, one task a day if possible, and allow yourself to not keep up with that. You're allowed to skip chores, it's not the end of the world.

I like to open up the windows and let sunlight in, I also really like to blast music (or headphones if need be) and just go for it. I approach it like a jog, activity i need to power through and music is the energy. Serious about that sunlight, it wakes you up and brightens the mood.

As I said, start small. Is there garbage in your room? Pick it up and throw it out. There you go, there's one task. You can call it done there if you want. Do you have dishes scattered around your room? Pick em up and put them in the sink. There you go! A whole new task completed!

If the trash needs to go out, take it out when you leave the house. On your way to work? Take the trash out on the way. Gonna check the mail? Take the trash out.

Dishes can be daunting but if you break it into smaller tasks it can be a lot more manageable. When I'm at my girlfriend's house I tend to do the dishes immediately following the meal. (This is largely cuz they have so few dishes in general and so they're available when we want to eat next buuuut) This makes it so dishes don't stack up. Washing one bowl and one spoon and maybe a pan is a lot less work than a collected stack. You could also just load dishes into a dishwasher (assuming you have one) as you go. A lot of people don't do this which kinda always surprises me, but if you finish your meal, immediately when getting up, put the dishes in the dishwasher. No wait. Just do it. Dishes can't stack if they're already in the machine that's going to clean them.

Executive dysfunction is really hard to get around sometimes, and I'm sorry if none of this actually helped. But, with a lot of things with low energy or depression, you gotta kinda just make yourself do it. I know that seems redundant, "I can't make myself do it that's why it's a problem" but it is genuinely true. Sometimes you gotta just force it to happen. It's ok not to always be on top of everything. It's ok if today you just can't do it. It's ok if there are things you can't do and need help. Don't beat yourself up over it, that's not gonna help. Remember that it's ok to take breaks and not finish tasks.

Reward yourself. After you do the thing, do something you like. Eat chocolate, watch that show you've been waiting for, get high, whatever you want. (I like to take a big hot bath with a lush bath bomb, it's a great reward hehe~)

Buy a maid uniform, lots of people have told me that helps them power through chores :)

I don't know if any of that will help, but I hope it does.

Also, while I'm doing this, back on my last blog I wrote a post in reply to an ask of "how exactly do I clean my room" and I haven't been able to find it. So I think it'd be good to recreate it here. This is a lot more intensive, so anon plz don't feel inclined to do any of this. This is entirely for if people have the energy and ability, a bit closer to what I do.

Put on music. Absolutely the most important thing is having fun with it. Put on that song you like to sing along to, or that song you like to dance to, get yourself some energy. Jam the fuck out.

This is big optional, so feel free to skip this one if you don't want to do it. If you have a ceiling fan, wipe the top of the blades. Dust collects there even if you've been using it. But, if you haven't been using it, you don't want to knock all that dust down when you finally do. Go get yourself a duster for like $5 somewhere. If you just can't do that I'd recommend using a dry rag (always use dry things for dusting).

Do you have any dirty clothes? Whether in a hamper or on the floor, pick them up first and get the washer going, do the rest while the washer runs.

Get a trash bag. Do you have any trash in your room? Empty bottles, cans, wrappers, paper, any trash whatsoever: pick it up and put it in the bag.

Do you have any dishes laying around? Pick them up now and put them in the sink.

Wipe down any surfaces that might be dusty. Again, duster or dry rag. You can use paper towels if you want but I feel they're not very good for this task. Now wipe down any that might be dirty, from trash, dishes or whatever. Wet paper towel is allowed if you have no alternative, wet rag is probably better, lysol wipes tend to be my preference, if you're really fancy then you can get specific cleaners for wood and stuff (I wouldn't worry about this if all your shits cheap Ikea or Walmart though).

Whenever the washer finishes, of course move it to the dryer, but also put your bedding in the wash. You're cleaning the whole room, there's no way there isn't gunk on your bedding. This bit is kinda predicated on being able to wash/dry whenever you want. if you're reliant on a laundromat, edit this to whatever makes sense to you.

If you have carpet, I'd recommend to vacuum now. If you don't have a vacuum, no shame but I do recommend them. I wouldn't recommend a Dyson even though they look and seem cool, if you want a decent vacuum just stick to the normal top brands and you'll be fine. If you want one but don't have much money, get one of those small hand ones. If you have a hard floor, swiffer that shit.

You are largely done! Sometimes things may not be this easy but try your best with what you have and it'll be fine. Even doing just one of these things will feel good afterwards. Feel free to take breaks, to stop all together, reward yourself when you're done. It's just cleaning your room, don't think of it as a big deal.

[huckleberrykai]

choi soobin ~ birthday bunny

pairing: sub!soobin x sub!fem!reader summary: just two tired horny lovers messily helping each other out. genre: SMUT 18+ only MDNI warnings: subxsub (kinda both switches implied? but very subby lol), 69, very messy - mentions of cum, saliva, etc. uhhh some petnames, they call eachother bunny a lot notes: idea from mooniee! ur brain is giant. also i haven't written subxsub before so i hope this was a decent first attempt 😭 word count: 1k click here for my masterlist!

"please let me eat you out, i'll make you feel so good i promise~" soobin flashed his best puppy eyes at you in an attempt to get you to fold, before pressing more sloppy desperate kisses to your neck - as he had been doing most of the night.

"but it's your birthday bunny... wanted to make you feel good instead." you retorted. he sighed sweetly when your hand came up to brush through his soft hair.

"well since it's my birthday i get to choose." he whimpered into your ear. he hovered over you and pawed gently at your waistband - both of you still fully clothed, having spend the last 20 minutes desperately kissing and biting at each other - hips rutting together in a weak attempt at friction.

the day had been busy to say the least, having a get-together at the dorms for soobin's birthday followed by a chaotic attempt to visit a restaurant together where beomgyu managed to catch the table cloth and send everything flying onto the floor.

by the time you got back to your apartment, soobin was tired and desperate for you - sleepy and subby, wanting nothing more than to make you feel good and maybe get off against the mattress. you were having similar thoughts, completely ready to just let your boyfriend take over and use you as he wished ~ which got you into this situation.

your heads were deep in subspace, and neither one of you had the desire or the energy to take over.

"okay." you caved. if the birthday boy just wanted to be buried between your legs then so be it. he genuinely enjoyed giving you head, and damn did he show it.

"wait.."

while you tried to reposition yourself, soobin stopped you and laid back onto the bed. "turn around please."

you did as he said, letting him pull off your clothes as you sat back onto his bare chest, shirt lost along with your own. your back was towards him, and he gently tugged your backside up for you to sit on his face.

soft whimpers went from his mouth straight to your core as he took in your scent. the whimpers turned to full-blown whines when he took his first taste, your sounds now mirroring his own. you held onto his hips as he held you firmly against his face, sloppily making out with your cunt - soaked with arousal and now covered in saliva.

completely lost to the pleasure, your eyes had been squeezed shut since he started. upon opening them finally, you noticed how strained the bulge in his boxers was. well that can't be comfortable right?~

so like a good helpful girlfriend, you pulled his big cock from his boxers, pushing the waistband down.

"ah-" he reacted to the cold air hitting his hard-on. "mm.. please.. help." he muttered into your messy cunt. the tip was red and leaky, looking painfully hard and in need of your attention.

with a hum you leaned forward to grasp his pretty dick in your hand, smearing the precum down his shaft while he continued eating you out like his last meal - grip on your upper thighs bruising. you couldn't find it in yourself to care though when he started sucking on your clit, flicking his tongue over it while he moved a hand to your core, prodding at your entrance.

you moaned out louder than you thought, the sound slipping out without you being able to stop it. this only spurred your boyfriend on further, pushing two fingers into your weeping hole with ease.

you bent forwards, giving soobin better access to your pussy, and took his neglected cock into your mouth. "a-ah- fuck.. bunny- please" his words were incoherent, but the vibrations went right to your bundle of nerves - causing you to spew out a string of just as incoherent words when you pulled off of him. "soob- ah.. please.. please bunny oh-"

you swallowed thickly as you felt your high approaching, licking at soobin's dick and pumping him in your hand - sticky with saliva and precum, mess dripping down his balls and all over your hand and face.

so desperate to feel good and to please each other, you couldn't care less about the mess.

you took him into your mouth again, bobbing your head and keeping one hand on his hip for stability. he thrust his fingers into you quickly, now keeping his pace as fast and steady as he could while he suckled at your clit.

the room was loud with obscene squelches and desperate mewls, begging each other for release. each sound you made only stimulated his cock more, and you felt him twitch against your tongue.

"m' gonna.. fuck ah-"

before you knew it soobin was shooting thick, hot streams of cum down your throat right as you felt your own knot snap. you pulled off of him with a soft 'pop' and kept pumping him until you'd milked every last drop. he squeaked at the overstimulation while he lapped up your cum - earning a cute gasp each time he grazed your clit.

his cum was all over your cheek and hand, messy pool of spit at the base of his cock mixed with his own fluids. you weren't looking much better either - wetness and spit all over your spent pussy.

you climbed off of your fucked out boyfriend, turning to see the mess you'd made of him - cheeks and chin shiny with cum and spit and a big stupid smile plastered on his face, whispering "thank you bunny."

his eyes closed and he reached out to you with grabby hands to come cuddle with him. "m' love you soob. happy birthday." you breathed out as you snuggled into his chest. "i love you too baby."

you fell asleep before you even had the chance to clean up, but that was a problem for future you <3

smut taglist: @subbyjvnnie @mazeinthemoon @n0-thisispatrick @banggyu0308 @majestyjun

[pansexual-opera-house]

Kinda upset at Transformers: Rise of the Beasts... Spoilers Ahead, be warned. (Edited bc I'm dumb and forgot the mid-credits scene.)

Firstly, we got very little "beast" action compared to the Autobots. They were there and cool as hell, but we didn't see much of them in their other forms, or fighting, they just helped the plot along. It sucks because they had so much potential, yet we got "they're animals but ooh here look at Optimus, he's got explosions!"

Secondly, I spotted WAY too many Transformers: Prime "references". The giant spire that summoned unicron looked nearly IDENTICAL to Darkmount, the spire that Megatron erected in TFP. It was way too much to be "inspired by" to me. Also, Bee dying trying to save Prime and being brought back by some mystic energy which nobody knew was possible is another thing. (I'm less picky about that on its own but added onto the other things, it was too obvious to not call out.) There were a few more I can't remember, but I knew about halfway through the movie how it was gonna end not because it follows a timeline or was from Micheal Bay, but because it was a mix of both Transformers Prime movies.

The main human character, Noah, wears a fucking CORPSE, which just made me unsettled. Mirage dies giving Noah a suit made from himself. I thought maybe Noah would find a way to bring back Mirage or Mirage's spark would still be alive considering the suit HAS POWER. It still fires the guns and has a jetpack! It was even able to come off easy! I understand Mirage wasn't in the next chronological movie in the timeline, but that felt really cheap and just disgusting to watch. He literally was walking inside a corpse, and when I saw him pat the suit at the end, both I and the people I went to looked at each other in what I can only call shock.

Edit: I was wrong, Mirage wasn't dead, he was alive and I forgot about it. I'm gonna keep that part in because

1. It isn't revealed Mirage isn't dead until the mid credits scene so for a hot minute i was still really weirded out. And 2.I'm bitch enough to admit I was factually incorrect.

He was still wearing a fuckin' coma patient! (Though that's a little better than a corpse.)

The first time Optimus Prime fights Scourge, he gets his ass handed to him. I mean, he gets his ass beat so bad he can't even get up to save Bee. Then in the last fight sequence, he beats Scourge nearly flawlessly. I understand that he was injured because of Noah and Mirage and they both did some damage before Prime got there, but if I told a master of Tai Chi to only use one leg to stand on and let me punch him a few times but to still fuck me up, after I'd hit him, I'd STILL be on the ground in four seconds flat. And Scourge was still able to use his foot (although limited), so there's no excuse other than "plot convenience" and less-than-okay writing. It was messy and felt weak.

And the last twist, the G.I. Joe inclusion... I understand that maybe it was an answer to the question "Where do all the people go after the Autobots don't need them or they move on?" It's not my thing, but it's a nicer explanation than "They go on with life." But if they try to bring G.I.Joe and Transformers together, good luck. I'm into crossovers but that's a lot, and I don't know how much I'd be up to watch that. Maybe I'm in the minority (because the person I went with immediately looked at me with a gaping jaw excited as all hell) but that's gonna be hard to pull off. And given the past few movies, I'm not sure how well that's going to work out.

That being said, I liked a few things.

They make Wheeljack a Hispanic Nerd, which was a nice change compared to the "Rooty Tooty Aim and Shooty Badmouths" that we get a lot of in Tranformers. He was witty and a nerd and a damn "hippie van" and was just overall really cute.

Acree was a strong, independent femme bot who don't need no man. Not trying to point out "feminism shit" to make people mad, just trying to say usually Arcee is pictured with Optimus or some other mech, and she held not only her own, but Wheeljack's as well without seeming aggressive or spiteful about it. She just seemed like a bot who was bright pink, which I enjoyed.

In all, I give the movie a solid "Don't ever do that shit again" 5.5/10. Writing this I've changed my rating from 5 to 6 about four times so that's why it's got a .5.

[hearthhuntescasty]

Depression, new adult rant. Mentions of suicidal ideation are sprinkled throughout the paragraphs, paragraph of SH will have a warning before it and is completely skippable.

I've now been a proper adult for a few months now. An apartment with my partner and our puppy. An 8-3 job 5 days a week and paychecks. A functioning morning routine. Antidepressants. A health hazard kitchen, laundry everywhere, and I sleep on the couch because I'm always too exhausted to properly handle my room that the dog keeps diarrhea shitting in.

I have ADHD and depression (probably dysthymia?. No diagnoses here. Perhaps one day soon. But I had a therapist in college who specialized in nurodivergence and she was very sure I was ~something~).

Honestly, idk how people do it. I don't know how they can go to work, come home, deal with 109 things, go to bed and still want to wake up in the morning to do it all again. I'm not sure how in the hell they have energy to do all this shit. How do you feed yourself and others 3 times a day, clean up, do hygiene, go to work, and not become exhausted? I just upped my antidepressants, and I felt better for a while but I think my depression became worse. I don't get how so many people are content living their lives like this. Do they feel content? They ALL don't certainly want to kill themselves. Do they feel rewarded after a hard day's labor?

I have a very rewarding, people focused job. I help children. I watch them grow in ways they might've not have because many people would've given up or coddled them, at least historically. I love my job, or at least, I think I do. I'm too busy being exhausted, and feeling just about nothing and trying to meet my needs and do my job properly at work. I forget everything, and there's so much going on all the time, and so many judgement calls, and I don't want to get in trouble (corrected for mistakes). It's like I just don't get it sometimes. I need to be confident too, which I'm good at, if I don't feel like I'm about to get in trouble, which I'm always a little haunted by because I take my mistakes to heart more than I ought to, I can't stop thinking about my mistakes the day I make them.

I just, I feel nothing. And it seems like nothing fixes it. Will I ever feel better? It's unbearably miserable and empty. I love fall, I get beautiful views this time of year. I try to appreciate the leaves, it's like they never really reach me. I used to feel joy and appreciation, I used to feel like I was seeing this beautiful catching moment. Now I only feel the dullest amount of enjoyment from them, not enough to embrace joy. I try to think of the thoughts I used to have but, it's all faded mumblings that mean nothing to me. it's made me feel like the fall, the summer, the seasons just pass me by and I missed them. I've missed them for years. I black out most of my summers, even when they were likely kinda pleasant. I do remember this summer, but only cause so many Firsts happened.

The following paragraph goes into details about SH. Skip to the next paragraph if that's too much.

I got back into self harm, not that anyone other than the internet knows now. I don't want the attention. Sometimes a little just makes me feel like all that misery can just pour out of me at once and Its enough to be able to suck it up and go on with my day, there's no overwhelming of emotion there's no thought of it afterwards except checking the marks and feeling their burn a bit. Its practically nothing. I don't cut real hard, bleeding, maybe a raised red line. Not even enough to be noticable, nothing that can't be explained away.

Since I was a tween I just wanted to have a job that I enjoyed, and my own place and live a really simple, normal, but happy life. A modest one by most "when I grow up" desires. I was just so sure I would be happy. I tried so hard, I'm trying so hard. And I'm still not happy. I was so sure once I figured things out I'd be happy. My life should be pleasent, tolerable. If it was purely up to my optimistic cheery predisposition and hard work and the fortune I have, I should be content with my life at the minimum. I should be happy, I hope. But it's really not. It's just the chemicals in my brain. I'm so burnt out over the littlest things. Things that are little to neurotypicals, but I gotta build up for. I'm not sure I want to keep on living, I surely don't want to keep on living like this but what choice do I have? I always wanted to open my own tea house, and even if that say brought me the contentment with life I'm searching for, I have to hold out and then work triple time. And I probably will be burnout, or simply the repetitive nature of it will keep be stuck in the same limbo I am now. I just need to keep holding out. Maybe soon my depression will ease off and I'll feel more put together again soon. I will say, my depression/burnout isn't as bad as it has been historically before meds, I used to hurt miles more than I do rn in these moments. I used to feel like I was going insane and I just wanted to be insane to make it go away. I still feel a bit like that ngl but I don't feel insane. I feel rather sane and adult, things need to be and I'll push to get them there and then I will be fine. But God I can't see any point in living my life rn other than to support my partner.

There's really never not enough time. It just keeps rolling and I can't catch up on weekends rn.

Here's some songs that I just keep looping cause they hit.

[pipwasreal]

Day 22: downtime + clothed sex

Characters: Esther Finch, Charles Rowland, Edwin Payne (mentioned)

Content warnings: captivity, collaring, iron burns, non-consensual sexual touching, manipulation, clothed sex, frottage, forced orgasm

Unexpectedly, kind of a follow up to Day 20...

HEED THE WARNINGS

Esther's been busy. Building and testing her shiny new machine, exploding a butcher shop, snatching those pesky ghosts. Oh, their faces just before they got sucked into her spirit trap... priceless.

It was funny watching them tumble out of it when she got them home too, all glowy and crumpled and strange. Paper puppets with their strings cut.

Limp and weightless, they're a cinch to reposition exactly as she wants.

She lays the uptight one down on the energy extractor, surveys the tableau, then tugs his silly little bowtie off. It disappears when she drops it, which is convenient, so she tugs off his jacket and sweater vest and shirt too. There, much better.

Esther remembers men who wore undershirts like that, and broadfall breeches that were oh so easy for a dick to slip out of... right into some younger, prettier girl. The kid is easier to hate this way.

She straps him down and locks him in, supressing the urge to mess up his neat coiffure. There'll be plenty of time for that later, if the mood takes her.

Next, she drops the smiley one on the kitchen floor and locks the collar around his throat. He'll be close enough to his little friend that he'll be able to hear everything, but not close enough to do anything.

She takes his jacket off, considers stripping him further as payback for his Peeping Tom routine the other night... but this is nice. He's kinda pretty, for a dead boy. Not as useful as the other one, obviously, but pretty. And he owes her.

She can tell he's about to stir. On a whim, she squats down over him. Let him have an eyeful before she leaves him alone for a while...

It's quite a while before Esther returns her attention to Charles. She's honestly delighted at how well the tortured one is bearing the machine. Edward, or whatever his name is, is pretty impressive, with his cute little stoic act... she wonders how long it'll last.

As delicious as the power squeezed out of him is, it's a lot of work. She deserves a break, she decides, and a treat. Un petit plaisir, as the French say.

Ignoring Charles' desperate pleas and threats, which start up as soon as she enters the kitchen, Esther simply walks right up and sits on his lap, straddling those long legs of his. It's nice to take a load off.

He looks stunned for a second, then angrier than ever, jaw clenched tight. At least it's shut him up.

His poor iron-burnt fingertips twitch at his sides like he wants to push her away, but he doesn't move. Maybe he's afraid of jostling the collar again, or of what she might do if he really pisses her off.

Esther smiles luxuriously. She doesn't care much for boys, but there's a certain appeal when they look at her all scared and horny despite themselves, trying to cover it up with anger and bravado.

She spreads her knees a little wider, sees his eyes flick down to the slit in her skirt, the fishnets underneath. She grinds down on him, just a quick dip and circle of her hips, then another, harder.

He gasps, looking up at her all wide-eyed and confused, which is just precious.

"Oh come on," she says. "You've been inside me before, haven't you? Without my permission, I might add. Kinda fuckin' rude, don't you think?"

She leans in and he flinches back, then hisses as the collar digs in. She puts her lips to his ear.

"And did you think I wouldn't recognise you from my mirror the other night?" She says, dark and low. "Don't pretend you don't want this."

She rocks her hips back and forth a bit until.. oop, there it is. His trapped dick hard against her thigh.

When she leans back, pressed against him but no longer moving her hips, he ruts, once, against her. Then he bites his lip, balls his hands into fists, and forces himself still.

Esther sighs deeply.

"Or would you prefer I went back to playing with your little friend?"

Oh, he is devastated. So many emotions at war on that pretty face. But not for long.

"Fuck me," he blurts out. "Please." And he sounds so miserable, so defeated, that she almost does.

"Oh honey, no. We're just taking the edge off. Maybe later though."

She goes back to grinding on him, punishingly hard. Her panties are soaked but there's friction from the fishnets, and she feels him tremble under her.

She presses his face to her chest and, despite the sizzle of iron against his throat, he comes with a choked sob. And that has her coming too, harder than she has in ages.

"Good boy," she pants.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

pmd9 i'm having a lot of dreams recently where i crash and burn either physically (car crash, etc) or mentally (breakdown) and it sucks and feels exhausting and horrible, and it doesn't really make up for it but it does feel kinda nice that usually someone will be around caring for me, playing with my hair while i cry in their lap or convincing me to leave my room for the first time in months. i feel like the recurring dream probably means something but i don't know what it is... what are your thoughts

ahh, the classic car crash dream ... i have that one so much! Well i used to anyways its a little less frequent now. Or im just like, driving a car that i dont know how to use (cant drive irl), and people are chasing me, usually ends w crashing. For that one i've heard it means u feel u have no control over your life. i imagine its probably the same sort of thing for any dream where ur burning or breaking down. Do u feel exhausted and burnt out irl?

the most common function of dreams is to help us process & release stress + emotional burdens, as well as trying to work thru our problems & offer solutions. Also i've read that many of the characters who appear in your dreams are parts of U. Say u see a cop/judge in ur dream, thats the part of u that polices & judges. Or a caring nurturing friend, usually thats ur brain trying to bring out the caring nurturing side of yourself. So on & so forth. these "characters" are put into scenarios which mirror your inner workings so you can wake up & consciously follow the trail to figuring yourself out in "reality".

thats a very brief explanatation but what i'm getting at is maybe the people comforting you in your dreams are actually you comforting yourself & nudging towards being more loving & forgiving of yourself when u feel out of control + broken irl. Some thing that can be really hard to internalize (for me anyways) is treating yourself the same way you would treat a beloved friend. if your friend was having a breakdown you would comfort them and still love them through it right? I feel that could be a message here

Also i believe angels / guides/ ancestors can come to you in dreams so it could be that too , but i think those dreams are more rare because it takes a lot of energy for them. And when it happens you just Know like you really know. But i wouldnt entirely rule out the possibility of that occurrence alongside some of these dreams too ^_^

Thanks for the question, you know me, always dreaming always thinking bout dreams always happy to try & help decode them! i have many insights but at the end of the day, when it comes to dreams only you can really know your own. Hav a good night Anon <3

[breezy-cheezy]

I just want to say it's been delightful watching you get into One Piece. It's been one of my main fandoms for years, but most of the people I was following who posted about it moved on to other things and I didn't have the energy to try to find new ones, so my dash has been pretty empty of it and I mostly just kept up with the anime/manga and not much else. Your enthusiasm for it, and all the art you've been posting and reblogging, has been a highlight of my days. I have a One Piece fanfic I've been trying to finish for years, and I've felt more like writing it in the past week or so than I have in a very long time (haven't actually managed it yet, but maybe soon, I hope). I'm glad you're having fun, and I can't wait to see you get farther in the series. <3

And *I* just wanna say how touching this message is!! 🥺 Thank you for sending this, I’ve been putting off responding because I was hoarding it like a dragon HAHA

I’m glad you’re enjoying the sudden OP onslaught! Part of me always worries, but it IS my blog and I enjoy slapping a bunch of funny pirates on my metaphorical fridge, glad you’re getting a kick out of it too! Perks of a media about as old as me too is that there’s sooooo much content to dig through, it’s very fun! Even if I suck at avoiding spoilers LOL (I will at least try to shield my buddy from spoilers as she also works her way through the manga at her own pace XD)

I hear ya on struggling to finish a fic for so long…for me, with new fandom comes new ideas and we’ll see if I can actually finish these, lmao. I’m glad to hear you’re inspired again! What’s the fic about, out of curiosity? 👀 If you feel like sharing that is!

Thank you, it’s been a VERY fun read, and I hope to watch some parts in the anime later! For now tho manga is easiest for me to consume, and the art is just really nice?? 1000+ chapters used to be so intimidating but now I find it’s hard to put the thing down X’’’’D One Piece good, found family got me good! I’ll be a bit more detailed under the cut real fast (I’ve been yelling at another friend on discord with regular manga updates but I will say this)

Isa don’t open the read more :> :

I just finished Thriller Bark arc and ooooooh boy that was a Time. Zoro you are insane *sobbing* HOW IS HE EVEN ALIVE

Usopp getting to use his anxiety/depression/negative thoughts as a strength against Perona was. SO funny yet SO vindicating, I love himmmmm-

Also the stuff with Brook is one of the things I feel I need to watch the anime on because!!! Music!!! That’s difficult to translate through manga, as pretty as the art is. Same for Chopper’s send off from Drum Island, I wanna see the pretty pink Sakura Blossoms!!!! But yea Brook made me cry. I remember really hoping Laboon would pop up again and BOY HOWDY let the skeleton see his baby whale again I beg….

I just hit the Sabody arc too and spotted Law for the first time! I already know his backstory (oops I’m nosey) and WOW HE’S A LITTLE SH*T HAHAHA funny greasy lookin man good to see ya X’’’D I also love Camie!! Kinda refreshing to see a female character getting to finally make the same (if not even MORE) whacky faces like the boys do hhdfhgjkdf you’re doing great sweetieeeee 😂 (also good to see Hachi again!!)

Also the intro to Celestial Dragons and slave trade is so. Man. This is VILE. The extent of horrors the Government will look away from because they’re Celestial Dragons doing the horrors. AUGH. Gross. The situation is revealed in a really neat way too, very engaging. Sooooo satisfying watching Luffy full on punch one CD in the face tho, BLESS. Love that funky lil dude. He really doesn’t care who you are, he can and WILL punch you if friends are threatened.

ALSO I do see Ace’s execution being set up in the bg. I know in a general sense what….happens to him. I don’t like it, let him out 😭

BUT YEA I’M HAVING ALOT OF FUN THANK YOU!!!!

[stormyoceans]

hi monica! maybe you don't wanna talk about this and that's okay, you don't have to answer this, but i just wanted to come here because your blog is a safe space for me and i know you enjoyed vegaspete's story as much as i did (you even made the experience more enjoyable for me during the kp days tbh). i haven't been following the cast or biblebuild a lot since the fandom became extremely toxic imo but the news of build resigning made me sad for some reason, i can't even explain why but i feel so bad... these last few days were a confirmation of how vile and nasty the fandom is and maybe that's also the reason i'm feeling like this. idk, like idek what's the point of this ask i guess i just want to know if you're okay or if you understand me, vegaspete was a great ship and i was kinda excited for 4min so the way things have ended are just the worst... i even feel bad for feeling bad because the allegations were pretty serious for me to be feeling bad for him/this whole situation... anyway yeah. it's all very confusing and it sucks, i've never experienced this before... hope you're okay and take care, sending you a hug xx

hello, anon!!!

first of all, im really happy to know that you consider my blog a safe space, because this is what it is for me and what i'd like it to be for the people who follow me as well!!! this is also why i tend to avoid talking about certain topics on here, though, because they're just very upsetting and life is already hard enough as it is, so i'd rather focus my energies on happier things

im also slightly older than the average user base and i've been in fandom for most of my life, which means that i've actually witnessed this type of "drama" happen quite a few times before and the one thing i've learned in all these years is that parasocial relationships never end well. to me actors are simply a vessel through which characters and stories come to life, so i never get particularly involved in them as people or in their personal life, and even when that happens (like with jimmysea in these last few months) im very aware of the boundaries and of how much im gonna actually let them affect my life

i don't mean to sound condescending, so i hope this isn't how im coming off right now, but this is just to say that i have a lot of experience and thicker skin and im doing fine because i know how to deal with it, didn't care about build himself, and haven't been too involved in the fandom in a while. however, this doesn't mean i can't understand you or that there was never a time where i did let myself care about an actor way too much and get thoroughly disappointed, and precisely because it did happen to me in the past, i know how upsetting this entire build and poi situation can be

i don't know if this can be of any help, but i think it's completely valid to feel sad about it and about the repercussions that's going to have, even if it's just about a ship or a show. i personally don't believe that caring about those means you don't care about the allegations or the real people involved in this, because they're things that made you happy and that you were looking forward to and that made life a little bit more bearable, so it makes sense that you would feel bad at the idea of losing them, it's just human

that being said, i think at this point we should all just take a huge step back from this situation and let the law deal with it. it happened and there's nothing we can do, except being kind to each other. there are still other things to be excited about and that can bring us happiness, it's just a matter of finding them, so just take care of yourself and take all the time you need to deal with what happened. i hope you can feel better soon, anon, im sending you a hug too!!!!

[gay-sin]

reciprocity?! how?

posting things online after not posting things online still feels really strange to me. i feel like my unposted thoughts and art have become sacred because they are private. sharing them in a public way feels almost sacrilegious. i'm probably just scared of giving away my precious thoughts and finding out that other people don't think that they are so precious.

i'm being silly because : a. i have almost no followers. and b. no thoughts of mine are completely unique - never been thought before! they aren't just mine anyways. they're more like an amalgamation of all i've seen and processed. sure, the processing is mine but i see so many things in a day that i had no part of creating. all those things make me who i am.

i think that maybe i fear that posting things online gives people this window into me and my life that they don't deserve. like maybe we should have to earn each other's trust and care about each other's wellbeing before we get free access to each other's precious thoughts. i don't like that social media seems to encourage people to give away the things that make us ourselves. then these things get replaced by a representation of these precious things that can be interacted with on a little touch screen. these little representations are intended to intrigue people to care about us more. but when it doesn't do that, we wonder if the things that make us who we are have any value at all. we try to repackage them or change ourselves to be more precious to more people. but we were precious all along so this process is no fun at all.

i could avoid social media and i mostly do but because i love making and sharing art i think i'll always wrestle with this unequal dynamic. one person sits in the corner of the room gutting themselves and spilling it out on the floor in front of a crowd of people. the crowd claps and promptly exits after they have seen all of the organs drop to the floor. this is an incredibly dramatic image and i know that art isn't always and maybe shouldn't be so heavy or painful like that. but sometimes that is what showing my art feels like and it kinda sucks!! i know this dynamic isn't special to art. there are so many instances of people giving so much and never knowing the impact of what they do. maybe that's just how it is but it makes me sad. can we try to do it another way? i think i just want reciprocity in my life in general but i don't know if i know how to do that. i want to give thanks to the bed i sleep on and the people that picked the berries that i eat and the ghosts that built the city i live in. basically, i'm not sure how to thank all the things that keep me alive for keeping me alive. i also long to be told that i am helping keep something alive because often it's hard to imagine that i do that. but maybe i just have to trust that i'm contributing to something bigger than me even if i'll never really know. maybe I have to make things and know that all the energy and time i put into them has to be good just for just that. the process over the product, the path is the destination, it's all about the climb baby!! maybe when i'm a ghost, a 22 year old will write a blog post about wanting to thank me for what i did but not being able to.

what am i saying here? i don't really know. let me know if you have any suggestions on how i can thank my bed for letting me sleep on it. i guess i could just say it with my words. maybe that's my problem here. we all just have trouble saying the words. maybe nobody wants to admit out loud that they are alive because of anything other than their own individual efforts because that makes them seem weak. nobody wants to admit that without their bed they'd sleep horribly every night and never get rest. that without their shoes they'd get holes in their feet.

i think it's important to say i love you even if people don't love you the same amount or in the same way that you love them. i gotta work on thanking the ghosts more. so thanks to all the ghosts that made this language i'm typing in. this one is for the ghosts that put a lot of thought into things so I could do things thoughtlessly!! i gotta work on giving and knowing that i'll probably never see the impact of what i give. i gotta work on saying thank you more. thank you for your time to read this. but ughh ... see??? why does it feel sort of embarrassing to say thank you? it's easier to be aloof and alone and pretend you don't need anybody. to end a post with : take it or leave it! idgaf! but c'mon. if you didn't give a fuck about what other people think, you would have kept it to yourself. it's okay to need other people! it's a good reminder because sometimes i hate admitting that i need you (you being everyone that's not me). but i do. i definitely do. and i'll start saying it more. i'll say it even if nobody says it back.

[fallingsunflower]

hii : D. you don’t have to post this if you feel it’ll start unnecessary conversation, but i’m sure you’ve been told which blog has the ~brad- hyperfixation, and i follow them mainly because their anons send in cat videos and i love cats, but the whole ~brad~ thing has thrown me off. they frequently call harry a whore because he had alleged flings in london and sure he totally might and good for him, but calling him a whore is just so yucky. also, if harry and brad were together then cool, and maybe they would be cute together, but it’s kinda gotten to a weird point because with any women harry hangs around with, many people automatically think they’re dating, but with that blog they’re doing the same with any guy he hangs around with, and i get its a joke, but it just feels like they’re inadvertently calling him a slut or something (and it feels weird to say this because seeing people automatically assume two men are dating because they’re seen together is refreshing and frustrating all the same). not to mention how their blog has become very hostile; if you disagree with something the mod or anons have said, they will call you a loser, which is very off-putting. it sucks because i’ve followed them for a longg time and don’t get me wrong, some nonnies are so great and have really amazing and thoughtful takes that i honestly couldn’t say better myself, but some are not quite that. it’s kind of a lose-win-lose-win situation. sorry for the long ask !! have a great day ♥️♥️

no worries :) I’m sorry this is happening! I’ve been told about a couple of blogs so I’m unsure which one specifically you’re referencing. Assuming it’s the ones I’ve been told about, I don’t like their posts and how they’re treating people - and how they’re encouraging hate towards blogs I’m friends with over what, Brad? Kind of ridiculous. I have them all blocked. (And if you’re talking about a different blog, then ignore that lol)

I never understood the hyperfixation with wanting Harry to date someone. He can be friends without automatically having to date them (notice it’s usually skinny white people - predominantly women but some men too). If it’s a joke, okay fine, but it seems like it’s creating a really toxic and somewhat delusional space because they’re 1) feeding anons who take it legitimately 2) lashing out on people who have different opinions 3) giving off “mean girl” energy and promoting hate.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I would recommend unfollowing if you’re uncomfortable but of course I know it’s hard to especially if you used to like the blog ❤️

[suedrawl]

sue tries to get her life in order, pt 1

(screams)

This is mostly just me getting vague thoughts and hazy plans on paper and processing better; not necessarily imperative to anyone. I'm kinda getting repetitive at this point BUT I've found some footing. so after this I'll start to tackle more personal things like hygiene, time management--basically things within my bubble

DRAWLING TIME

with that out of the way.

I'm still organizing my feed, who I'm following, and so on. so hopefully, I'll interact more down the road! I have yet to really be checking others' pages...for now :3 and of course, organizing tags/cw/info/so on. any likes/follows/related are going to show up as @suedraws.

speaking of, debating how I want to handle that. honestly, with how little my art account has overall, it might be best to start fresh with a new account; it's hard to decide how and where I want to separate my personal and professional artist self.

the other one that i might possibly use more is @ladykopaka; at this point I'm not really interested in involving myself with the community at large. friends and some groups are exceptions. also have this be a location for my Chasing Stars project

so then that leaves here, @suedrawl. besides being casual/personal use, trying to hype myself up to do some form of blogging and writing. i have an entire actual blog i'd like to use for those reasons.(suedrawl.blog)

finally, while nothing is planned yet--I did create @thepurplenote \o/ (and did invite some folks to use it too!)

still observing how twitter is going to pan out. i'd love to use Instagram more, but it can be a bit draining/overstimulating (even if it's mostly good vibes and love keeping up with friends). facebook is...kinda just there lmao; mostly to see photos of my nephews and nieces, and annoy the hell out of old family friends who are borderline trump-supporters. DeviantArt? No. Otherwise, that leaves Artstation, but that's strictly more business minded. I know everyone is trying things like Mastadon (I recommend it tbh) or pillowfort. I don't really have much time or energy to do those; maybe in the future (keep me updated, always willing to try things)

discord is sorta its entirely own thing--i mostly lurk (love stealing those emojis) in big servers. there are a couple I'm in of friends (gosh i feel bad i need to say hi more). but most of my energy is focused at The Purple Note/friends there. At the end of the day it's my responsibility, and I will continue to maintain it and be mom friend/support all yall wonderful, loving, supportive nerds. Never hesitate to contact me, no matter what time or day. while I'm working on better handling my server mum powers, it's still an important promise to keep of sorts.

Okay, I was about to write up a thing on me Sucking Hard at One to One Chats, but that's just gunna go in its own blog post. BUT TO STATE: I am never ever bothered by good friends, even if I forget to reply. If I have an issue, I will address it. Usually, I'm more than happy to initiate, but I am going to take a step back from that for a bit. But also this is not a sign that you have to or that I will take offense if it's quiet. I'm not usually a person that "needs" interaction from others, rather what gives me purpose is how I can give. It's kinda confusing tho and I'm still trying to understand what I want and need. Thank you for your patience lmao.

if anyone has questions, advice, so on, yell at me! while I'm embracing my solitary needs, I still enjoy all this for many reasons. I'm hoping this can be a jumping point to now face other challenges and obstacles

love u all smooch thank u for reading if you did XD

[crystalelemental]

Bravely Second! I have a bit more time in the game, and am...having some thoughts.

Okay, overall, generally like the cast, but I am specifically pissed about Tiz. I cannot stand him after the first game. The dynamic is otherwise decent. I like Magnolia, Edea was the favorite from the first game, and Yew...okay, Yew's kinda losing his failboy angle and picked up Ed-esque mannerisms by constantly talking about gravy. He's starting to grate a little bit.

My comments on the early half hour yesterday were immediately blasted as I walked into the very next city and straight into "We have to get Tiz in here guys." Followed immediately by a boss encounter with Bella and Cu Chullainn where they die. So glad we're not making any progress from the first game.

Except we are! Apparently. All the old bosses are apparently still alive? And the structure seems to be that sidequests involve Edea having to choose which side of an ethical dilemma to support. Which is...god, I can't. This is so stupid.

Okay, so here's the ethical dilemma, guys! Desert is running out of water again! People are dying and resorting to banditry again. Jackal is trying to keep things in line, but it's kinda rough, and also Tiz suspects that someone is pressuring Jackal to help because he's Republican and can't conceive of someone with a sordid past helping people out of actual compassion, someone must be making them do it punitively, god I hate this fucking guy can we please get a new fourth protagonist. Anyway, Jackal's worried about the state of the desert and wants to know what we can do to fix it. On the other side we have...DeRosa. You know. The rapist. He works at the college now! Which I am sure is going Just Great. He's apparently on the straight and narrow now, and is really helping them out with solving this particular problem with a new kind of energy development. They have the concept all written out, they just need a lot of water to help stabilize the creation process, because if it doesn't go well it could uh, let me check my notes here, destroy the entire fucking city. Anyway, in an effort to figure out water in the desert, you Atelier Shallie it and run into an immediate solution to this age-old problem and find out there's a magic water orb that should be making water, but it's not for some reason. Turns out it just got knocked off the pedestal. Accidents happen. Your dilemma, as presented, is to either put the orb back and renew the oases around the desert so the general populace doesn't all die, or turn it over to Rapey McGee over here so he can possibly explode the city, but hey maybe instead he'll make a new energy source and it'll make everyone rich and happy and end all war which is...totally an achievable outcome.

...so I killed the rapist. Like, even aside from how much I hate him from the first game, this plan is fucking insane, and he even goes on this villain tirade, before the choice, about how the desert people can all just move somewhere else, and after siding against him reveals his obvious true colors of "These desert people's lives aren't even important compared to my conceptualization of progress." The worst part is that they show you the outcome like you made a hard decision. Like they show that yeah, people have water, but this one researcher who just really believes it'll do good is now kinda sad because research got delayed. Not cancelled. Delayed. But ooooh, every five years of delay is decades of suffering, right? Like, you're gambling on a hope that this works at all, using the lives of literally everyone here as collateral. I do not feel bad for you.

Anyway, can't wait for further horrific "ethical dilemmas" that try to posit an obvious horror as a legitimate approach. At least this time Mephelia will live. I'll gladly give up the Summoner asterisk for it.

...oh yeah, you actually commit. The real loss is mechanical. See, I got the Red Mage class, which sucks, but lost the Thief class, which as some general merits forever by virtue of steal in these games always have something it gives near exclusive access to. I regret nothing, I hate Thief and have a hope for a Red Mage passive combo if I can find the right complementary skill.

[otakween]

One Pound Gospel - Episode 6

It's nice that they're finally allowing Sister Angela to be a bit more silly now that she's confessed her feelings. Now that she's basically given her consent to be pursued, she comes off more as a tsundere than as a harassed woman lol.

Notes:

The new opponent is pretty hilarious. I liked his goofy nature in the practice ring and at the ramen shop. Also...buying an apple just to crush it in your hands? Amazing. (I feel that naming him "Tiger" is kinda sus though...is it cuz Thai sounds like Ti-ger?)

Angela hallucinating Kosaku everywhere was a great comedy bit as was her "training" with Millie to ward off her thoughts about him. Girl is down bad...

Ueda trying to get Katsumi to box because "it will make the Chairman happy" was kind of depressing. His mom's only going to approve of him if he follows her dream? I feel like the plot is going in a direction where Katsumi will eventually become a boxer, but I wish it wouldn't. If he doesn't want to do it, he shouldn't have to force it.

Angela boxing was amazing 😂 I don't care if it didn't happen in the manga, let Angela be a badass!

I will say, it does suck hard that Angela is being forced to live for Kosaku's dream. With manga!Kosaku things were at least a little more balanced since he was invested in Christianity too. (Or maybe he just made that up to hang out with Angela, IDK lol)

The breakfast Angela made looked hella yummy. I need some potato salad in my life now.

That playground Kosaku brought Angela to was next level! I wish my childhood playgrounds had trains, wtf?

More stereotypical stuff with Tiger, being from a huge, poor family and Kosaku attempting to speak to him in broken English for some reason.

Why they gotta make the opponents so wholesome and sympathetic though? It's hard for me to root for Kosaku when they're fighting for a noble cause...(not really saying they shouldn't do it, this is just a me having too many feels problem 😭)

I felt like Kosaku looked especially handsome in this episode. I think it's because we got a lot more "soulful" looks from him rather than his usual genki energy

I was pretty disgusted by the Chairman's reaction to Katsumi's bullying. Not only does she tell him to "just beat them up!" (questionable) but she says she's embarrassed to have a son like him!? Huuuh? Later they laugh it off like "oh, she's such a shitty mom!" lol. At least they admitted it, I guess. I can somewhat relate because my grandma is really mean and always has been and we just kinda go "ohhh you" at this point.

Kosaku and Angela go running after Katsumi, but I feel like Ueda should have gone instead? He was so invested that it felt weird for him to stay behind. At least he got to make some stew I guess.

Both ending scenes with Kosaku and Angela were very sweet. She's really the queen of mixed signals though lol

Katsumi didn't really stand up to the bullies in the end but he sorta became the class clown instead? I guess that's a strategy...

Sudden drama between Ueda and his dad! That cemented this as the "crappy parents" episode in my mind.

I like the new angle of Kosaku being Angela's first real family. Makes things a little more impactful (in the manga she wasn't an orphan lol).

[solar--system]

⚠️TW Suicidal Ideation and Drug Use⚠️

2 years ago today we tried LSD or Acid for the first time.

After living with our older brother for a couple weeks, he began introducing us to his life style: drugs and alcohol.

We didn’t ever drink much. Maybe a drink or two a night or every couple nights. If even.

Smoking was weird at first. We felt heavy. Weighed down. We couldn’t speak. Barely could think. The experience wasn’t pleasant, yet besides the uncomfortable feeling in our lungs, the experience wasn’t bad either.

But acid was different. Weed we had considered trying, actually had experimented with a bit on our own, but we never thought about experimenting with drugs beyond that. We knew that our brother used hard drugs at one point.

A memory of our parents coming home in a panic because they had to call the police on our brother after he and his girlfriend had a bad trip.

But I never considered that he’d offer us anything harder then weed. He’d cut back from all the drugs he had used to do, and as I thought this was one of the only things he hadn’t stopped. He never would quit smoking weed.

He had pulled this container out of the freezer. And then there was this little square sheet of paper he was handing me, a tab maybe two. He directed us on how to take it. Leaving the tab(s) under our tongue as we waited for the okay to swallow, was difficult. Especially when you’re drinking, and talking.

The world became fuzzy. Warm. I was solid and the world formed around me. Colors were bright and beautiful. It was easy to get sucked into something, yet just as easy to be distracted. I wasn’t really thirst. Surprisingly I still had some appetite, which our brother pointed out as strange.

We watched cartoons. Family guy, Rick and Morty, South Park, The Simpson, American Dad, Futurauma. All of which I could enjoy, except I found the Simpson to be boring, as an episode would start on the track of plot A and find itself somewhere in plot Z. And the connection between the two took actual focus to trace. The worst of the shows we’d watch was called SuperJail. Our brother claimed it was one of his favorite shows to watch while he was tripping, and I can partially understand. All the colors are super vivid, and the show was laced with comedy that I never found funny. Besides the humor I couldn’t stand the sheer amount of gore in each episode. Gore and death followed by more gore and more death and then their world moves on as normal. Probably the second or third shittiest thing about tripping.

The second worst thing, possibly the first, had to do with those glue fly traps that hang from the ceiling. Summer had recently ended, and my brother’s place was filled with those fly traps. Kinda gross in general, but when your mind is crossing wires and playing with your imagination, it’s much worse. I don’t even remember why they bothered me, but I spent a good chunk of time (at this point I really didn’t have a sense of time) sitting in my brothers bathroom staring down one of those flytraps. It was like the flys were still alive on the trap with the way our brain made it buzz. The next time I tried acid, we made sure to remove the fly traps beforehand.

And the worst thing about my trip, had to do with coming down. From the few trips I’ve had between now and then I learned I am not good at coming down. My brother tried to get me to sleep off the last of the high, which is what he and his wife did. But I couldn’t sleep. The world existed and I had the energy to exist with it. Often times our brother would find us curled under some heavy blanket, watching something on our phone, wide awake at 6 in the morning, clearly still not all there. Eventually he’d talk me into trying to sleep, and again eventually I would.

The first trip was the worst when it came time to come down though. Our brother and his wife had gone to bed, and I knew I should as well, yet I was awake, how were they tired? We pulled out our phone and started watching YouTube videos. Mostly Markiplier videos, ones we’d already seen before but that brought us back to a happy place. With time though, we moved to children’s sensory videos.

I don’t know what video we watched or even how we found it, but the screen was black as puffs of vibrant color swam through the void. The video often had three different colors moving against one another. And that caused my brain to jumpstart.

Three colors. Three brothers. We identified my brothers as well as ourself with the colors. And thought more about each person and how we related to one another.

Three colors. Three depressed brothers. Our depression came about in different ways, at different times, for different reasons, and the ways we handled our depression worked in a similar sense.

Our older brother more often then not expressed himself with anger. Yelling, punching, breaking things, insulting others. Yet he also shared stories with me as I struggled about his self harm and how broken and hurt he had been. This wasn’t a version of our brother we’d ever met, yet he felt just as familiar. He found his depression managed with drugs. When life got him down, he found an excuse to get himself high.

We expressed ourselves through tears and silence. The world was mean and scary and we couldn’t deal with the idea of someone hating us. Even having negative feelings about us was something we feared silently, making a point to judge how someone spoke with us, the way they moved around us, what conversations they’d avoid or pursue when around us. We hadn’t found a solution to our depression, but we knew of a couple options.

Finally our younger brother, he expressed himself quietly. It broke my heart the first time I noticed. He wouldn’t allow himself to cry, because he was worried about being punished for the act. Instead he’d hide himself away in his room and not discuss his feelings. Seeing him pull away like that, like we would, hurt. He will always be our baby brother. Cherished in a special place in our heart. And he was hurting like we were. Clearly he had not found a cure for his depression yet.

Three colors. Three depressed brothers. Three ways out of depression. Our brain convinced us. There were only three ways a person could beat depression, and the first option was already taken off the table. Drugs. Our older brother had used drugs to pull himself away from his depression and to an extent it probably worked.

Option two was healthy. Self betterment. Seek help, go to therapy, take meds when needed, exercise, drink water, eat. Depression didn’t have to win. The harder depression knocks you down, the harder you gotta pull yourself back up, until depression can no longer knock you down.

Option three was less healthy. Death.

Three colors. Three depressed brothers. Three ways out of depression.

Each brother was different with their depression and how they expressed it. Each brother would need a different cure to fix their depression. Our older brother had already taken the drugs path, which left two brothers and two roads.

Ourself and our younger brother who we adored.

Self betterment and death.

With the options placed before us, we had no choice. There was no way we could live in a world without our younger brother. We’d chose death, so that he wouldn’t have to.

The colors continued to move. They had never stopped. Egging on the ideas of our imagination as if it was a fun puzzle and not a grueling realization.

The reason we don’t say this was the absolute worst part of tripping, is because it never felt like a terrifying drug riddled mental break. It felt and still feels like fact when we think back on it. I know it’s not...

By this point the sun was rising, and our brother had pulled himself from his slumber, never one to sleep a lot. We sat and talked after he encouraged me to try and sleep. I did try and sleep a couple times with unsuccessful results. I’m pretty certain I didn’t even manage an hour of sleep.

We had plans that day, so instead of continuing the cycle of trying and failing to sleep, I got up and took a shower.

The night before while tripping we had decided that the jewelry in our piercings was uncomfortable, and removed all of it from the body’s face. Some of our piercings were still semi fairly fresh, at least fresh enough for us not to be comfortable leaving jewelry our overnight. It was a struggle to get the curved barbell back into our vertical labret, and after struggling with the piercing, using a mirror to help, pushing and wiggling the jewelry, and applying a hot compress, we eventually got it back in. (It should be fully healed by now but I would still be nervous about taking it out overnight.)

But the real kicker is: We would do it all over again. We want to do it again. I can’t explain why, there’s just an ache in our jaw, a shiver down our spin, energy flooding our body whenever we consider tripping again. Maybe it has more to deal with the addictive personality that lingers between our system.

Anyways remember kids. Drugs are bad. Don’t do drugs or colors will convince you of evil things.