#but thats also the problem bc i. dont know what i want to happen in this little interim before they're reunited

[missfertileandferal]

lowkey super anxious to post this but im missing you guys so much <3

i plan on a solid return soon! i just wanted to get off my chest whats been going on:

Earlier this year, I dealt with an awful situation of my kinky stuff leaking into real life. My insane coworkers found my content and as I was serving on the clock, proceeded to show my customers and all the staff. then i was fired. Im traumatized to say the least but I over came it.

Come mid summer, I planned so step back for a little bit to move apartments no more than a couple weeks. What happened was both my job (i worked with close family friends so stressful) and a really bad situation with a companion found about my kink stuff. i never expected or was prepared for the humiliation, deception, and pain that would come from my fetish journey

My last job was such a loss. I had been blessed with a cute job as a medical office assistant without any credentials (i wasnt doing anything out of my capabilities of course) it was so peaceful and perfect compared to the drama of my last gig plus working with familiar people felt just like home honestly. Then I got covid. I was out for 2 weeks, at the same time i was moving into my new place. I tried calling them back to let them know I was cleared and ready to get back to work. I received a humiliating text. I was dismissed. That turned into a crippling anxiety of them confessing to my family what I do in my past time

The following week I was met with more disappointment. Ive said this before but I dont have many people in my corner. It used to suck to admit but I stand with pride now knowing those who are around me love me 100% regardless what I do or dont do.

One of my dearest dearest friends, who I had previously communicated what I do (not to a full extent they always respected it) called me very dramatically only a week before I planned to see them (they live across the country and we ALWAYS visit each other when in our cities) It still doesnt feel real tbh, the call only last 40 seconds. I was informed that “I was going on the wrong path” and could no longer be associated with. That’s alls that happened. 8 years down the drain

I was informed by outside sources that my hometown opps had gotten hold of my content (who my ex friend still associate with but I despise bc they’ve always been obsessed with me but in a bad way) and they had confronted him about being my friend. he pussied out and cut me off. they also mass reported my last instagram account😡🤬

I had to take some time back to seriously debate if these loses were worth it. I was swallowed with so much anxiety knowing that an uncomfortable amount of people in my zip code knew what ive been up to. its already complicated being into this and while at the same time not being in a plus size body. thats another conversation tho

That debate has turned into me accepting these events as the universe weeding out people/things that no longer serve me. This has shown peoples true colors, if I am not to be associated with because of my sexual freedom, body acceptance, and undoing of fat phobia then PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Im recovering ❤️‍🩹 but my heart and hedonism can’t be helped. i love being a kinky lil gut slut. its helped me grow in so many ways from acceptance to living an esoteric dreamy life. i love all the hot girls and guys that i see on my timeline. they hype me up and vise versa. i love this little corner of the internet. my fellow freaks keep me going. i’ve been so on and off online but every time i come back to the sweetest words and support. thank you guys for your patience and consideration

my anxiety is to the roof as im typing. its crazy that these privacy problems havent been within the actual community. funny. if your still reading this I love you extra. ill be streaming on ig on my comeback day!

new ig acc @missfertileandferal💘

[lighthouseshepard]

its so funny (annoying) how one day im capable of writing like 4k words in one sitting and then the next day i struggle to get out 100. like this all comes from THE SAME BRAIN. maybe it goes on strike from time to time idk. i should check with the neurons union.

[dallonwrites]

the first chapter of lover boy is really intense on an emotional level because So Many Things happen in quick succession it's like beau barely gets a chance to breathe and process it. meanwhile RR opening chapter is just felix and dorothy arguing in a laundromat.

[passumstars]

I will likely never get to do anything with her

[orcelito]

Went skimming thru late trimax For Reasons, got caught up reading the Legato fight, realized things about the fight that I never had before & went WOW, I kind of want to write an analysis post right now!

Felt the same kind of insanity grip me, however momentarily, that fueled all my analysis posts however many months ago. Too tired to actually word things coherently right now, but...

I May or may not have a full(ish?) analysis of the Legato & Vash fight a la style of This post analyzing the Trigun: Multiple Bullets fight that got unexpectedly kind of popular. People seemed to really appreciate that one, & I even had some ppl saying it could be cool if I did that for others?

So. Legato fight. Maybe. Feel free to remind me later if u see no mention of it again for over a week lol

[florida3exclamationpoints]

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[snow-and-saltea]

i know that in media you're constrained with things like budget, time slots and stuff, but sometimes i'm just like. my god. the insane shortcuts people take to write "smart / intelligent" characters, especially in plot-heavy stories, always pisses me off. they write them like they're sherlock holmes (bbc version, derogatory) but they fail to realise that even sherlock holmes (arthur conan doyle) was written with a lot of thought, suffered his own subconscious prejudices and had to learn from mistakes.

i guess what i'm trying to get at is—"smart" people don't magically get good at things overnight, the only difference between them and others is how much they're willing to go through to hone their mental acuity. which means when they try something new, they're going to make obvious mistakes, not understand how things work beyond the surface level, and make mistakes in judgements (like when you don't understand something well enough, your analogies and metaphors aren't 100% accurate or concise).

but it feels like there's a assumption hanging over our heads that, as readers, we don't WANT to see the smart one go through the entire nitty gritty of the learning process. we just want to see them do cool things, piece the puzzle together with a flourish, and clap our hands at the end. and in some parts, yes! that is what i want to see! but i am also interested in how they pieced it together. the joy of mysteries is, to me, that everyone is exposed to the same pieces of information, and we're given the chance to try to piece it ourselves. but then the smart character comes along and interprets those pieces of information in a not-obvious way to us, and it's cool!! years of living with a mind that is primed to turn things over in their head, to make sense of things, reveals to us how differently we experience the same reality, and it's wonderful. i'm able to learn from someone who sees life differently than me, and interpret information differently than me!

but right now i'm often left out feeling flat and confused in the mystery-type plots i've seen. the smart person will have been exposed to information we didn't even get the chance to see and interpret, and then they piece things together and everyone in the story claps their hands at the artificial pedestal that's been propped up under that character's feet. explanations of in-setting magic that can be retconned in and out at any point in time, so there's no logical consistency for us to nitpick or understand, so there's no basis to stand on that the story should be taken seriously. plot twists that make no sense as a gotcha. so many things!!

like. this particular example just my beef with g*nshin, so ignore it if you don't agree or smth. but the use of red herrings in the stories piss me off. the red herrings are either too obvious or nonexistent. they always use some random guy acting suspiciously and have the other characters react to it, as if we can't understand it on our own? but like. these red herrings, in the real world, aren't even red herrings. sometimes people just "act suspiciously" just by virtue of being human, not because they're complicit in some bigger overarching plot. sometimes people just stutter because of their anxious disposition, not to hide a guilty conscience. sometimes people are just defensive and irritable because they're a defensive and irritable person, it doesn't mean they're the ""bad guy"" who you need to crack down on and interrogate even further, especially if there's literally nothing that indicates this character is guilty other than their outward appearances.

but like. the smart characters/protagonist almost never get proven wrong. the stutterer was guilty all along and they're just a bad liar. the defensive guy is selfish and obnoxious, they're defensive because they're hiding something, not because it's a natural reaction on having one's sense of privacy and personal space violated.

the game sure loves trying to do nuance with "not everyone is 100% good or bad, we're all Flawed" but they can't put their money where their mouth is. everyone who is not guilty acts in completely transparent and "good" ways. everyone who is guilty acts in completely opaque and "suspicious" / "bad" ways. end of story. how the hell am i supposed to think anyone in this game is smart when they don't even have to use their brain to sift through, critique, weigh and interpret information? what use is there to do so? just use your eyes and ears. the stutterer is nervous for hiding a secret. the anxious is guilty. the angry is scornful.

there's also another rant here about how g*nshin fucking sucks at writing unique and flawed characters, because they like to make everyone the Specialest Guy In The World, but that's for another day.

[theclosetedskeleton]

UGRHJQHJI stress and this feeling of guilt and sorrow is eating me alive tonight i am NOT in a good mood right now omw to start EATING GRASS

[aropride]

what to talk about in therapy today ... 🤔

[savefrog]

how to explain to people that while we DO need to desperately dismantle AI’s capitalism-driven rise to prominence in many professional areas especially art because of how it will be used to replace artists in exchange for cheap content and on the back of uncredited artists that came before, and how things can be said about supporting the ai platforms that enable this

that simultaneously using Dall-E mini or Bing or whatever once to make a cat at some nebulous point is not like. It is not like. He did not just shoot an artist point blank out in an alleyway 😭

[stupidnaturals]

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[dogheartbf]

ok. maybe i need to learn compromise

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈

(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot

(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)

[lelianaslefthand]

might have brava kill connor

[actuallyitsstar]

Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw + 5, 12, and 24? (Ok, that's all😆)

✨ send me a number and a character! ✨

5. what's the first song that comes to mind when you think of them?

when i first started writing time takes no prisoners i had like, VERY RECENTLY seen tgm for the first time and i didn't rly have much of a playlist to write to. it was kind of like 4 songs on loop lol. i've already talked to you about this song but by sheer force of pavlovian conditioning, it's got to be kids by the midnight. however, since that's not new information, i'll share a runner up instead that was also on that playlist of like four songs when i first started writing ttnp: everything i own by bread. the one big thing mav and bradley have in common with each other is their grief, and originally i added this song to the playlist with mav in mind, but after hearing it all the way through again i decided this was very bradley coded.

it does really make me think of bradley about mav during the fight, like, a lot (nobody else could ever know / the part of me that can't let go. and also is there someone you know you're loving them so / but taking them all for granted? you may lose them one day / something takes them away / and they don't hear the words you long to say).

there's also something to be said about goose and the inescapable trauma of having a dead father that everyone else seemed to have a bigger piece of than you, and the way goose's memory was taught to bradley through the people he still had (mom, mav, the flyboys) and their memory of goose's love for them. in a way, it means goose really did teach bradley to go all in on the ones he loves, doesn't it? he got that bradshaw over-protectiveness from his mom, and from goose, too, even if he learned it second hand. (you taught me how to love / what it's of / you never said too much / but still you showed the way / and i knew from watching you) but it also reminds me a lot of his grief over losing his mother (you sheltered me from harm / kept me warm / you gave my life to me / set me free).

and i think these (losing goose, losing carole, then losing mav) really are the three most defining events in bradley's life, and that bradley is a very all-or-nothing sort of person. if he's in your corner, he's in your corner (phoenix for example, mav later) and if he's not, you're enemies. (hangman. mav during the fight). so, i think the concept of giving everything you own for someone is very him <3 and he's been burdened with so much loss. i think he is that desperate and that lonely. he did kind of try to give everything for mav, didn't he? he was willing to die for him. he was in mav's corner all along <3

12. what's a headcanon you have for this character?

idk if this is a hot take but bradley is like...... just a little bit of a himbo. he is moving through life at his own pace and he is overthinking everything with all that anxiety, but not in a practical way. this man uses 18-in-1 toiletries exclusively and does not have a skincare routine. i don't mean like, oh, he doesn't use serums. i mean he's in the shower like 'oh the runoff from this combination shampoo-conditioner-body wash-shaving gel will get my face clean so i don't have to bother with washing that separately'. this man shakes the excess water out of his hair and is lucky enough to be blessed with his mother's curls, so it just sort of.... dries in a shape. he has never intentionally styled it. he does not understand why learning this frustrates people like phoenix and hangman immensely.

he can make eggs and toast and a grilled cheese and heat up a can of soup but that's about it, and it's not because carole didn't try to teach him- but when he was little he had too much energy to stand still and pay attention in the kitchen, and when he was older and shouldering more responsibility, she was too sick to teach him. he makes a mean box of macaroni and cheese. he would know. he's only eaten like 10,000 of them since leaving home ajdhfjfhg.

24. what character from another fandom reminds you of them?

aaaaaa this is a very tough question actually, i don't know if i really have a good answer for it. i almost skipped this one because my answer will be very imperfect, lol, but i have a very very basic option that came to mind and i'm just going to run with it and highlight their (arguably few, though notable) similarities:

this is andy travis from the very old and obscure tv show, wkrp in cincinnati.

some of the information i am about to share about him is disputable because they're a little vague about his backstory but i used to write for this fandom a lot so i Have Decided What's True lol

he's a huge perfectionist, overly cautious until he gains confidence in his abilities and relationships later in the series, and also is actually very caring and friendly. much like bradley, if he is in your corner he's in your corner and he's doing whatever he has to for you. if he's not in your corner- you're enemies.

unfortunately he's not very much in his own corner and he doesn't place much value on himself outside of his accomplishments.

he is an orphan who was raised by his aunt and uncle instead. he wanted to do something with his life that they felt was risky and didn't really want him doing, but he was determined that it was the only thing he wanted in life, and he measures his worth as an individual by practically making himself sick with the effort of succeeding.

he's also a himbo with accidentally perfect hair who doesn't understand why people think it's frustrating that he lives like this

he also canonically exercises and punishes himself in other ways instead of actually dealing with his emotions (rooster doing too many push ups on the tarmac 🤝 andy going for runs after work even tho he hates it because hes upset at himself for having no life ot successes)

idk the similarities probably stop here tbh this is the only other overly perfectionist orphan i have ever written for so my pickings were slim ok 😭😭let's not talk about it too much akjdhdjfhfhjf

[blasphamoustraitors]

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