#but i didnt have any actual like. action to move to story to that place

[dallonwrites]

the first chapter of lover boy is really intense on an emotional level because So Many Things happen in quick succession it's like beau barely gets a chance to breathe and process it. meanwhile RR opening chapter is just felix and dorothy arguing in a laundromat.

[fipindustries]

oppen heimer style

let me just start this by saying that this is not necesarily nolan being back to form, necesarily. i would place it just above the rest of nolan's dark period known as intersrellar, dunkirk and tenet. but that is not an exceedingly high bar to pass.

he has sadly become a director that i still respect appreciate and whose movies i enjoy but whom i can no longer say is an unmatched genius.

lets start with the bad.

its too long, and its pacing its a little awkward, no need to worry for spoilers here since we all know the history. the big money shot that we were all expecting, the trinity test, it happens roughly at the middle of the movie and after that the movie struggles to reach any other point of heightened emotion as high as that one.

its a solid three hour experience and more than once it had me wondering "ok, how much left, are we done yet?" but i will say this: once i reached the final scene and the credits start i did not feel a tired relief that it was finaly over, thank god. i feel dread, i felt doom and dread. i was fucking terrified. this movie has a good strong final scene that makes you forget of previous tests of patience you might have gone through watching it.

it tries to do this weird parallel story telling between lewis strauss and oppenheimer that it feels like they tried to film two different movies and then awkwardly splie them together. it jumps back and forth between the past and the present told form different points of view and a lot of it feels like it could have been cut out and the movie would have worked just as well. im not sure how necessary was the whole lewis strauss subplot to be honest.

the characters and dialog work a little better than in previous movies although we still get a lot of scenes of people talking in a clinical manner with expository dialog and deep philosophical musings. but once again i will say nolan seems to be learning some lessons, we do get a lot of scenes where actors are allowed to flex their emotional muscles.

in a lot of ways this is nolan's most lurid film. i think this is the first time we get to see breasts and naked people having sex in a nolan movie and it hits hard, both because of how unexpected it is in a nolan film and because of how out of context it shows up in-universe. i dont actually want to spoil this one because the effect it achieves actually worked really well.

and now moving on to the good, if i mentioned this might be nolan at his most lurid, it is certainly also at his most poetic. sure there is inception, but in here we get to see a lot of surrealist or downright metaphorical scenes without the excuse of being inside a dream. we get to see things that are not happening literally in universe but that are an artistic representation of what the characters are feeling. it felt really effective.

the man himself

this is a movie that is very much about the titular guy and trying to understand his inner world, trying to understand who the hell was this person, and honestly, where did he get off.

it seems oppenheimer was a complicated man, whose actions and desitions were sometimes confusing, sometimes downright contradictory (there is a nice wink to this when talking about the paticle/wave duality at the beggining of the film). he was a communist, he was a proud american, he was a genius, he was painfully naive,he was merely following orders but he had absolute control over his little town in los alamos, he worked hard for peace, he created nuclear war, he built a bomb that he didnt want people to use.

i heard criticisms that this movie romanticizes his work, that it may excuse or justify the use of the bomb, that it may be too kind with the guy. rest assured it doesnt. the movie brings up multiple times how the japanese were basically already surrendering, how senseless and callous and cruel the use on japanese cities was, how attrocious and horrifying the effects of the bomb were. and how oppenheimer definely contributed to it. if it shows the guy hand wringing or feeling gulty or trying to be a martyr of sorts, the movie definetly calls him out on that too by saying that its very rich of him to have done the deed and then regret it as if he didnt knew what he was doing or as if he had no control over it. a lot of times the movie shows the man as spineless, as a moral coward, as someone who was too weak to take on a position. "you dont get to commit a sin and then make everyone else feel pity for you because there are consequences!" is yelled at his face.

yet all the same, either because he is portrayed by cyllian murphy and his puppy dog eyes or because nolan deep down still admires who he was and what he did, you cant help but feel bad for the guy and like him still. he was a person, a complicated person with ugly sides that this movie in no way ignores, but still a brilliant man who at the very least had the basic decency to feel bad for the atrocities he contributed to.

going back to the movie itself

its has a weirdly star studded cast. if you were surprised by the sudden appearance of matt damon in interstellar, get ready to have that feeling multiple times during this film, every other scene suddenly shows up a hollywood megastar and it will take a few seconds before you accept ok, i guess gary oldman is in this film, and is that rami malek? and oh right, robert downy junior and oh my god is that fucking kenneth brannagh. in fact the one hollywood actor who is NOT in this movie, is surprisingly, inexplicably enough michael caine.

truly, breaking new ground.

and the cameos dont stop at the stars, the characters themselves are a constant delightful surprise if you are into the history of quantum mechanics and science in the first half of the 20th century. you have einstein of course (presented as this old exiled king, his time of glory long past but still sough after for his wisdom) but you have also bohrs, heisenberg, feynman, fermi, and fucking gödel somehow (they managed to shoe in a comment about his paranoia and hipocondry)

the actual explosion

time to talk about the thing we all went to see this movie for. is the atomic explosion cool? is it big? is it loud? does it go boom? does it look cool?.

suffice to say. yes. one of the coolest experiences i had in watching film ever in my life. it has a build up of a solid 30 minutes or so (arguably its been building up the entire movie) the tensin keeps on rising all through out. the countdown slowly advances, the expectations are at the highest theyve ever been and by the time the bomb was actually about to go off in the middle of the american desert, the first atom bomb ever exploted, my heart was hammering out of my chest.

its fully worth the price of admission and the three hours.

final comments

i want to double back to the poetic filmmaking i mentioned early to comment about the main thing its used for. nolan makes it clear in no uncertain terms the horror that atomic weapons unleashed on the world. the man goes out of his way to make it clear, these things can destroy the planet. we've all become perhaps a bit desensitized to atomic explosion in film, made more and more espectacular with the advancement of cgi. but this movie brings it back home and leaves you with a last message about the danger of nuclear proliferation.

i walked out of the theatre with my legs shaking and my eyes falling out of my skull. i had a hard time talking a bit afterwards, i was a little shell shocked.

so, i guess in the end, my thoughts on this movie are just as complicated as the man himself, the man who oppenheimed the world.

8/10

[faiseuse-d-histoires]

Well, you saying you dont know the answer of what should happened to Pen tells me more than anything. What she did it wasnt that badN it wasnt that important. Really, marina like went really well, eloise have the pretty never bad bridgertons and all the money and beauty and the protection of her brother ( unlike Colin Who is hate by him) . Are you telling you are naking that problem for a silly beast comment?? Im sure you had call poor fst girl worst in school and here you are. You just hate her for the sake of it. Thats the truth, if your dislike was genuine for her actions you would knlw the answer. Just what i thought. Another buller. And please dont lie, you didnt like Pen from books either. For Kate and Anthony you base their personalities with the ones in the books ( she is nit a family person in the show) but for Pen you dont think of that cute girls in the book and críticamente the writer like you did with KA, you blame Pen, the wallflower

Just because the consequences are any less dire because others persons intervened doesn't erase that what show Penelope wrote was actually ruinous and malicious and could have been disastrous. It's actually quite sad that in need to defend her, you have to dismiss others' suffering, and banalize what she writes, what she makes money of.

One laughable thing is that you don't actually seem to have grasped that I was being sarcastic while saying "oh, I don't know". Had you read the entire post, you would have had your answer. What should happen to her? Well, show Penelope should learn that her words have consequences, can hurt people, ostracize them, ruin them. She should learn that she could have made Marina ostracized by her words, prompting the girl to dangerous options, just because she did not want her crush to marry her, and that it is not ok (and it even backfired on her, because by association, there was that disgrace on her family that prompted Eloise to seek LW to do something about it). She should learn that calling someone a beast, especially a WOC, certainly for comic relief, or even insulting anyone like that is not ok. That antagonizing the queen was never a good idea in the first place. She should learn that she cannot criticize one for not doing something when she actually made sure that person was stopped from actually doing anything about it, else it is very hypocritical. That by unravelling everyone's dirty laundry and even twisting things at her convenience, of course it can have dire consequences and she is responsible for it.

This season had people dismissing the consequences of her actions and praising her. That should not be the case. It is at least realistic to think at least some will just give her hell for it, and some families refuse to invite her.

That doesn't mean she can't make amends. That she deserves to be unloved and alone for the rest of her life, or to be bullied. Just that she should aspire to be a better person (she certainly could have the power to inspire more reflection about social classes, the status of women, etc), and not one that thrives on others'misery while still maintaining a holier-than-thou attitude. I certainly cannot root for that last kind of person.

You keep bringing up the body, the wallflower parts. You keep patting yourself in the shoulder, telling yourself you are right. At this point, it seems you are making your own story and do not read at all what I actually said. I can see clearly you need to vent and have your enemy (any unresolved issues, perhaps), and anyone would do, and perhaps it must feel very satisfying to throw hateful words while being anonymous, for you do so on and on (I will certainly not read the others that are rotting in my inbox, and that will find their place in the bin). It is still very much a coward and a bully's move.

[rachelsshowerthoughts]

Aware AU thought but, https://www.tumblr.com/tumblingxelian/754631895572267008/justanotherpersonsuniverse-i-didnt-watch?source=share

This very much gives the idea that Lila's mother is the intensely absent, IE neglectful parent who compensates by saying sweet things but doesn't back it up with any action.

Which likely also made it harder for Lila to really communicate her issues because her mom says nice things, she makes sure she has food, & sometimes spends time around her.

Who would believe her mom is anything but a bit busier than Lila would like? Don't be spoiled Lila, your mother works so hard for you!

With her likely internalizing her mothers sweet nothings as lies & lying herself to trick others to get by a little easier, to get a little attention she so craves, to cover for problems or mistakes.

I think the song Our Word would sum her up very well, either just the first portion as here here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y3DVFF0spY Or the full song here, which could also maybe represent a sort of, "This is what I could have become" angle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9RHJTpLOVk

so, first off, the first thing I thought when I heard the song in its entirety was "Musical Lila!Akuma", so that’s going to live rent free in my head all day.

yeah, I think the implication is definitely supposed to be "absent mom" (though I think this is before the "multi-mom" nonsense) and I always took it as, the one thing Lila DOES tell the truth about is her mom's job. Ambassador is up in the air, but definitely works for the Italian embassy, which would actually go a long way to explaining a lot about Lila.

If Lila's mom is an Italian ambassador, Lila probably is well travelled, and probably has met SOME important people, at least by proxy. The best lies have a kernel of truth in there somewhere, after all. It’s plausible she could have met most of these people. She's also probably never in the same place longer than a year or so. She moves to a lot of new places, many of which may or may not have a language in common with her. She probably never shows up at the start of a school year, but partway through, when everyone's already formed their friend groups. She’s always "the new girl", either seen as a weird foreigner, or a shiny new toy with fun stories of other places. But how many people stick around when the stories dry up? Better make more stories, better stories, so you aren’t alone - and then it doesn’t even matter, because you'll be gone in six months, and eventually all your "friends" have steady lives to get back to, so they stop calling, stop texting, and you're right back where you started.

Plus, how much time do you think she's actually spent in Italy, in her own house, since she was little? Does she see the rest of her family?

Also, I find it interesting we don’t see her dad. Mostly cause the other kids have either really well established home lives, or we ignore them, with the implication they are "normal". If there are single parents, we eventually do get explanations - Anarka either never told Jagged or he decided he wouldn’t be a good dad, Mylene's mom sucked, Felix's dad died (and also sucked), we won't even get into Gabriel and Emilie. I think the only other "Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Show" parent we get no info on is Kagami's dad. So, where's Mr. Rossi?

Sick? Died? Missing? Divorced? Was he a nice guy? Equally neglectful? Did he know about Lila's lies? Did he encourage it? Ignore it? Is Mrs. Rossi acting like this cause of something to do with her husband? Is she mourning him? Did he cheat on her? Was she even ever married? Is Lila technically a bastard baby? Or is her mom truly a single mom - wanted a kid, went through IVF?

(I mean, I have similar questions about Kagami's dad, but if we keep the Sentimonster stuff, along with everything else, then it does actually make sense that Tomoe never had a romantic partner of any kind, she just wanted a kid/heir, no partner was involved at any point)

@tumblingxelian

[rumpunch]

HIIII so… i finally got to see hadestown this weekend (the national tour production) w two of my best friends 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i knew we were gonna see it for months but i didnt want to post abt it beforehand / acknowledge it in any way after making plans bc i was scared i would jinx it like what happened when i posted / talked abt seeing shows on the west end and then covid hit and sent me home lol. but i can’t believe i finally saw it!! it doesn’t feel real and honestly didn’t until right now as im writing this….. being in the theater was truly an out of body (and mind lol) experience for better or for worse. this was my first time seeing a show since covid and im soooo glad it was this one given how much it’s meant to me for all these years 🥹💗

i have a lot of thoughts on the production and also the plot / story so here they are lol:

production thoughts

for context ive never seen a hadestown 👢 before, i told myself that i wanted my first experience of seeing it to be actually seeing it in person. but ive listened to the obcr 5798673594 times over the last 3 years and the songs have become thoroughly woven into my life... so that made for a really weird experience where i knew every word but was watching it unfold for the first time and yet i knew what was coming for the most part. that also could be chalked up to the fact that ive seen so many gifsets and have read so many posts about other ppl seeing the show so i did know about some visual things.. but yeah it was just weird what i knew / expected and what i didnt lol

my friends and i sat in the back right corner of the mezzanine (like the LITERAL corner. no chairs behind us or next to us and the exit right next to us) and sadly the balcony in the set was cut off for us so we had to keep leaning across each other or scrunching our heads down to see the action up there :~/ but it was ok

i think bc of the above two bullet points + the fact that i really did not let myself believe that i was going to see the show bc i was scared of jinxing it + me having depression / possible derealization issues that i did not have when i first got into this show... i was kinda numb the entire time which sucks a little. i cried a couple times (happy / disbelieving tears in road to hell (persephone's entrance specifically for some reason, idk why it wasnt the "aight"s LOL) and any way the wind blows, sad tears in doubt comes in) but i didnt really... process anything in the moment or really experience the epic highs and lows of it while watching it. i just generally wasnt very moved! and im processing the show right now for the first time. and that kinda sucks and is unlike me and unlike what i thought seeing it was gonna be like. in a similar vein i found myself really focused on whoever was in the spotlight and im kinda mad at myself for that bc this is a show where SO many little details / context clues are communicated when ppl are in the background. but its fine i guess, i may be in a weird place mentally but i got to see it and maybe i'll see it again someday and be more moved

the cast was PHENOMENALLLLLL. j antonio rodriguez was our orpheus and he was the standout for me, his singing and acting as were breathtaking! i was frustrated about hannah whitley (eurydice) though bc like (and i feel bad for saying all of this)... nobody can be eva noblezada but hannah was missing a lot of notes / singing off key and kept like.. idk what the technical term for it is but she was kinda singing on her own beat and adding in a lot of pauses or rushing into things instead of staying on pace with the music and also she kept kinda revving up into the high notes and all of it grated on me. but i grew warmer to her singing in act 2 and i really appreciated her acting throughout! i didnt rly have many thoughts about hades (matthew patrick quinn), persephone (maria christina oliveras), or hermes (nathan lee graham) aside from ADORING all of their performances and what they brought to the roles compared to the obc! and the fates (dominique kempf, belén moyano, courtney lauster) / ensemble (kc dela cruz, colin lemoine, sean watkinson, shavey brown, raquel williams) / musicians were INCREDIBLE and had such amazing chemistry with and between each other :~D

antonio made for a bolder more charming orpheus and hannah made for a darker moodier more tortured eurydice which was interesting. but (and maybe this was just me dealing with the whole numbness / already knowing what to expect thing) i wasnt really convinced about their love story (specifically the early parts of it in act i as they were falling in love) or that orpheus in particular was insecure and vulnerable to the fates. but they did have some good chemistry in act ii especially and i was rooting for them so hard despite knowing wht was to come :~(

i knew that on broadway they have that little elevator in the center of the stage so i was curious about how it would work in the tour and... they had this giant oven box thing with moving doors! i actually really liked that, it made the whole idea of traveling to / from hadestown seem more sinister. that said i was kinda bothered by it during doubt comes in because orpheus and eurydice had to walk around the entire stage to make sure eurydice was positioned in front / inside of the oven and it kinda spoiled the ending in a way (even though we all know how that ends)... im guessing that on broadway its less exaggerated and you dont see it coming bc all eurydice has to do is just move over to the side a little. but idk i'll finally let myself watch a 👢 and see what the difference is

i couldnt take my eyes off of hades and persephone during promises. they started the song with hades kneeling with his head against persephone's stomach and then he stood up and they just hugged.... for a LONG time. like at least 3-5 minutes. and i was like god i wish that were me and i was thinking about what that mustve been like for the actors playing them.. like if thats a moment that they share and look forward to or whatever bc i know i would. it made me think about jenna's dear baby monologue in you matter to me LOLLLL

i saw from another post i read on here (as i was pregaming for the show by scrolling thru my hadestown tag LMAO) that orpheus runs through the audience at one point? and he didnt do that for us that i saw which i was bummed about. maybe thats just a broadway thing

i had no idea the set splits open during wait for me!!! it was so cool

i also didnt know / fully realize that hades produces a flower for persephone during epic iii 😭 the tears in my eyes... also speaking of epic iii hades singing the lalalalalalalaaaa got a LAUGH and i was so MAD!!!!! i get that its kinda funny because it just sounds so weird in his voice and its a startling moment... but that pissed me off bc the moment is supposed to be so tender and heartbreaking and the audience didnt appreciate that.. augh.

since its pride month the set was initially lit up with rainbow lights and in act ii hermes had little rainbow tassles on the ends of his sleeves!! :~D

plot / story thoughts

another context bullet point to kick us off: i discovered hadestown in the spring / summer of 2019 which was an INCREDIBLY formative time for me and so many aspects of the show (creative expression as a tool / forum for bringing about the world as it could be (and illuminating the possibilities in the world as it is), discovering that you have agency, love / loyalty / betrayal / sustenance, finding your purpose, etc.) were profoundly relevant to things that i was awakening to at that exact place and time in my own life. so i went into this experience hoping to have more insights like the kind i had when i first listened to the obcr... and i didnt really. i mean i had some but they didnt feel as profound i guess? and again that may just be me having mental health issues now that i didnt have then.. but that was a thing that i was aware of and kinda sad about. so yeah

that said... the main thing along those lines that i did take away (which really only hit me while watching epic iii / promises) is like... love is agency is love is agency is love.... or something like that. at least that they coexist and happen together. the oppressive conditions in hadestown and the poverty in the overworld strip the gods and humans alike of... their humanity (which is weird to apply to the gods but still)! their sense of self, and their love for each other and the world. the moment that became clear for me was in epic iii when the workers took off their goggles one by one and it was like.. they could See again! they could see themselves and each other, they were holding hands with each other and singing together. and they saw a future that they could create together. and hades was letting persephone dance and she kept spinning away from him with her arms outstretched like a bird but then coming back... idk. im not articulating this well and i need to think about it more and let it simmer for a bit and maybe watch a 👢 to get all the details. but it was like yeah... the opposite of capitalism imperialism etc etc is love and agency and they go together and they are the same thing.

another thing i need to think about more: orpheus went to hadestown all by himself to get eurydice! how come he was so confident then? he was LITERALLY alone. he didnt know where she went or if she would come back with him. and he didnt have the workers following him (though they were there in wait for me swinging the lamps, but i interpreted them as being like... part of the scenery i guess). he was completely alone and operating off of hope AND THE FATES TAUNTED HIM TOO and he was like... fine! so then in doubt comes in.. when he has all these people including eurydice following him... like idk. maybe its just because he'd confronted hades who couldnt fully be trusted and he knew that eurydice had turned her back on him and stuff... like maybe its just because on the journey back he'd experienced things that caused him to doubt / mistrust the people he was journeying with / from and that's what made him vulnerable, not so much the physical loneliness but the emotional loneliness that comes with a betrayal. which is something i just realized typing it out lol. but that kinda agitated me bc its like... he was FINE the way up so why did he crumble on the way back :~(

doubt comes in is such a fucking GUT PUNCH btw. i wanted to cry harder but didnt let myself bc i didnt want to be too loud or soil my mask. but i was so so scared to see it and it devastated me. its just so... SAD. and its so... like i relate to / identify with orpheus SO much yes in part because of the creative expression / seeing the two worlds thing but also because of doubt comes in specifically. its just so so so sad. he had all of these people including the person he loved most cheering him on and echoing to him. and he couldnt hear them. and he couldnt internalize how much they loved and believed and trusted in him. and he turned. that is so wrenchingly real. and it hurt so bad to see it playing out on the stage knowing what was about to happen and then WATCHING it in all the brilliant horror. like thats another insane thing the way the lights get so wildly bright. actually now that i mention that i think the lights are brighter in hadestown when bad things are happening. like hades saying I CONDUCT THE ELECTRIC CITY etc etc. that could be a whole post. someone should make that

im thinking a lot about The Song and whose song it is and actually WHICH song it is. bc if you think about it... so we're introduced to the lalalalalalalaaaa and whatever song that is which builds in the epics. and that song incites a lot of action like orpheus (quite literally!) tuning out eurydice which causes her to choose to go to hadestown, and hades realizing what love is and whatever. but another song that is equally if not more catalytic is.... IF IT'S TRUE!!!! bc thats the song that sparks the revolution among the workers and gives orpheus hope that he almost lost after learning about eurydice's betrayal and inspires eurydice to fight for something instead of succumbing to her fate. and in wait for me reprise when eurydice is singing "echoing OUR song" "the falling of OUR feet" ... like they're not alone as just the two of them, the workers are coming too!! so which song is she referring to! what if it's actually "if it's true" and the hopes that orpheus has stirred up about what the world could be?

btw speaking of orpheus tuning out eurydice... im sure this point has been made 5476463979 times but its rly interesting to think about how love languages (for lack of a better way to put it, ik that can be kinda reductive) work in this show. eurydice and orpheus both attempt to address the storm but the ways they choose to do it are different / dont align: eurydice tries to manage the short term by searching for food and firewood, while orpheus works on the song that will bring spring back and stop this kind of disaster from happening again. but iirc they dont talk about how they're going to take these two different but equally important strategies — eurydice at least interprets the song as being unimportant and orpheus just... straight up seems unaware of the food / firewood thing also being important. so theres a communication failure and eurydice interprets the silence as abandonment (for good reason, also relatable) and turns her back (ha!) on orpheus. and then with hades and persephone... hades does all these big flashy power gestures to show his love for persephone but it's the exact opposite of what she wants and they dont see eye to eye about how to express their love for each other either. yeah

speaking of eurydice making that choice... like yeah. sigh. betrayal is such a huge thing in this show. trust and betrayal. eurydice was (kind of) leading orpheus through the immediate short term danger of the storm and she turned on him. and the fact that she did was part of the reason orpheus turned on her. they made their vows in promises that they would walk side by side but he couldnt get over it (partially bc they literally weren’t allowed to physically walk as they planned but still). and eurydice said "im right behind you and i have been all along" and its like no you havent been thats the entire plot of the show lol (again for understandable reasons but still!)

another thing im sure has been analyzed 456456984 times but its interesting to think about hermes watching everything playing out while knowing how it will end and not choosing to intervene. idk what that means and my laptop is running out of battery so im not going to dig into it but im just thinking on it. BUT ALSO THAT GOES FOR US AS THE AUDIENCE like so many ppl probably know how it ends and maybe some ppl are seeing it multiple times and its like... anyone could intervene and change the story (within reason ofc). also goes for the other ppl on stage too like the musicians etc. its just interesting to think about the implications of that and what would happen if someone tried it both "in character" and "out of character" i guess

its interesting to think about the role walls play in the show too. like the wall hades is making the workers build to keep out the "enemy" and keep them (him) powerful and prosperous in their (his) isolation vs the walls repeating the falling of feet, echoing songs... letting people know theyre not alone. and the fact that that doesnt happen in doubt comes in even though orpheus is being followed by a whole crowd basically. idk. fascinating

ok those are all of my thoughts i think! i also saw some interesting posts / takes that im going to rb again bc theyre on my mind as i interpret the show but i dont want to put them in this post bc theyre not my original thoughts. ty for reading if you did :~D this is a glorious new era in rumpunch nation im so glad and grateful that i can finally say ive seen this beautiful show!

[bitternanami]

scrolling thru the tags on that post has me thinking about my stance re: characterization

like idk, i dont think its necessarily unreasonable to look at a story as a breathing thing, that can move in whatever direction youd like it to, audience expectation be damned, right? in theory they can make sylvanas do any old thing they like (and in fact they did do that) and that becomes the next stage of her character arc. im cognizant of that inevitability, especially in a long-running game with many writers working concurrently.

what my question becomes, as an audience for a story, is not 'would she have done that,' but rather 'was there adequate setup for this being a choice that makes sense? what indicators do we have in prior text that this is a choice in line with her motivations/ideals/goals?'

you can make a lot of things, outrageous things, make sense in a story when you look at them retroactively, by finding little pieces of information that can coalesce into foreshadowing. into a coherent arc. where i take issue, really, is when a plot beat happens, you try doing that, and you just. cant find anything? near about anything can be In Character if you do the work to set it up, yknow?

so when, for example, the best a story can muster to make sense of a characters actions for the past couple years is to say 'uh yeah actually this was done under influence of a different character that we just made up,' it feels like an admission that they Didnt do that work, that the abruptness wasnt supposed to be like that. i do think they managed to re-rail her character by the end of shadowlands but i cant help but see that compromise as a sort of necessary cop-out for something that didnt need to be there in the first place

[lawtistic]

tier lists uhh woohoo

“who uses emails anymore” me. because i had to email one of these to myself so i could get it on my computer. now here we are

i went a did a shit ton of death note tierlists and now that i have the urge to shit myself i will post them because i need an excuse to post something on my masterlist when i get around to making that

characters:

i know who that manga guy is but i forgot his name and he is funny and sexy despite being present for 2 pages and thats why hes up there

im a certified sidoh hater btw

there is a number of characters i ranked pretty high just because theyre hot (mello [partially], namikawa, gevanni, lidner, nameless manga guy, wedy)

characters (adaptations):

i didnt watch the 2006 live action because i havent gotten to it, couldnt finish the 2017 netflix version because of the gore, and havent watched the korean musical because i am superstitious and the circumstances of that are triggering so yayyy! so the characters that are on here from those are ones i have seen clips of and feedback and such

and some characters werent on there??? like mikami was in the jdrama and was an important enough character why would u not add him

characters kind of deviate from their og rankings but that is either because i have gotten 8 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours or something stirred in my brain and i was being smart but i no longer remember it

adaptations:

i probably shouldnt have even ranked the 2006 live action and 2017 netflix ver at all but i probably thought the list was looking pretty empty when  was doing this

theres also a lot missing but those are the main ones so i dont care that much

(i would have personally added the add-ons like L change the worLd, another note, and the video games but like i said those are specific additions. i would have also added the one shot, the c-kira story and a-kira story, as well as the relights, light up the NEW world, differentiated the different versions of the musical but but but its okay. i know im rambling but really i do get it [”make it yourself!” no i already made 1 tierlist for this post and also i havent consumed enough of that media for it to be worth it])

ships:

gonna be honest when it comes to L’s successors (excluding B and A) i feel weird shipping them with anyone else BUT each other

i would have ranked b x a higher if a wasnt a briefly mentioned character with little dynamics or personality talked about, and i havent seen enough collective fanon of them to rank them anywhere other than mid

the first 2 tiers are preeetty closely ranked i just put lawlight in the first one because i consume more of it, also i probably would have moved some of these around (like moving kiyomisa down to ohio) but this is pretty old so thats my excuse (i was also kind of hard on matsulight i am so sorry)

musical songs: 

i dont hate any of the songs enough to put it in hunchback 2

also i need jarrod spector to sing an english version of the way things are i would cry. i put that in (the cheap, joking version of) my will but i accidentally said the way it ends and since it was an image that has since been plastered on multiple places its too late for me to fix it despite my efforts to correct it so oh well

ones i just genuinely cant remember were put in ohio (alongside the actual ohio songs) so if you see one in there that should definitely be ranked higher or lower that is why

i know a lot of people liked borrowed time but to me its just the simp version of titanium so i dont care that much

if i could rank the individual parts of secrets and lies i would be so grateful because the first part is pretty ohio but the last section is so boobs tier worthy that i just ended up averaging it out

i listen to the way it ends on loop every single morning

character themes:

this is the tier list i made and since i am very bad at making tier lists there are like 2 useless and unused images and its irritating but tiermaker says i cannot delete them so rip

kira’s theme is my favorite and while i know the three L themes up there are essentially the same thing they are also the same thing and i just put them next to each other

i played mello’s theme c while riding go karts once it was great

[kanside]

sentimental things

feel free not to read, this little entry is kindof a bummer

my grandma and grandpa on my moms side, my oma and opa on my dads side.

i try to think of the gifts they gave to me beyond money, physical items.

ill be blunt, i dont know any of them well. my grandpa is a bit creepy, missing a chunk of his brain, a classic narcissist, perhaps one of the only people i consider a lost cause. i still wish i had a grandpa though. of the few times i remember seeing his bashed in creepy face, his eyes always seemed sweet. despite the horror stories ive always been told about his actions and failures as a parent and grandparent.

i havent seen any of my grandparents on either side in a long time.

my grandma has cancer bummer i tried reaching out to her, she never understood me being trans but always respected it. we simply never got to talk much.

i couldnt hold a conversation with her. even now she ghosts my mom about her condition. i dont think she'll make it long. i dont know how to feel about that lol

ive never had to deal with the concept of grief before. ive tried talking about it, but nobody really understands. i got lucky, i guess. the only grief i knew was people willingly leaving me due to my own bad actions. i never knew anyone i loved or wanted to love who was torn away by death. i had a dog once, her name was chewie. but i was too young to understand the connection i couldve formed with her. she didnt like living with us, so we gave her to grandma and grandpa and she lived and died with them. i didnt grieve. i felt bad, i worried for my sibling's grief, but i didnt experience what everyone calls grief. i just moved on, cus i hadnt had anything else to do.

i dont understand grief, i dont understand what it feels like and i dont understand how to cope with it. i dont understand how to support people going through grief. and i dont know how i feel about my grandmother dying. because she is, and i wish she wasnt, but she's a smoker and my parents are smokers and we all know that at a certain point when you smoke too much you either get cancer or you dont, and once you have cancer theres no getting rid of it for good, i think.

i dont know if what im experiencing is a sort of grief, or perhaps my body warning me. saying "hey. your mom is grieving. shes going to grieve more. thats her mother dying, thats your mother's mother you never got a chance to understand in your adulthood and befriend. that's a person in the wrong place at the wrong time. surrounded by the wrong people and down the wrong path. yet she kept trying her best and supporting the best she could, even though your mother says she didnt do enough."

maybe its missing out. jealousy maybe? thats a little fucked up lol. i just want to understand. i just want to be prepared, because i know death and grief comes to everyone, and i dont have room to be unprepared for such a thing.

im a little off track

recently (well actually not recently, my time streams a little fucked. im not remembering in the right order. it was actually a long time ago i think. earlier this year) my mom went a trip. she brought me back a few trinkets, a few amethyst necklaces she picked up from some street shop. i dont like jewlery, it feels suffocating. it feels unnatural and weird.

but my perception changed. i really like when that happens. i really like my brain accepting new things. i began wearing the necklace nonstop. i tricked my own anxiety, i said "this necklace is a barrier, it is protection. i wear this and it channels the love of my own mother. it is a shield." the only time i didnt wear it was when i showered. i think i even wore it at the amusement park, but i dont remember. i stopped having dreams. i still dont know how to feel about that. i like dreams, but i also dont like them. they were becoming disruptive, distracting. now i could control when i had them. i could control how strong they were. at first they were intense and overbearing, but the longer i wore the necklace the more they subsided.

but i wasnt getting good sleep, at least not recently. i suppose i got overwhelmed with the feeling, irritated. now i take the necklace off at night and i dream. not much makes sense in my dreams, but i started doing therapy again, so i suppose it cant hurt to get lost in my head now and then.

im off track again

gifts

when i was really really little, i assume, too little to remember. my oma would make little gifts. a part of me likes it a lot more than money, but i know that physical things are too precious and too short lived, and they always end up collecting dust in my closet because i have no space in my room and my mind to have them.

she liked to sew little things together. i have a pillowcase with my deadname on it, its pink and cute. its started to fall apart

there are holes and rips in it. it is tearing to bits. but i have three pillows, and third pillow on the top right under my head must have oma's pillowcase. i dont know if its the unwillingness to let things go, even temporarily, but i still want to sleep with it even if it needs repairs or is unsalvagable.

my mom said "if its so sentimental then just store it away, we have more pillowcases" i responded, in another room by myself, when i thought up a better thing to say: "when you dont have people in your life, sentimental things mean more."

i dont know if thats the right way to word it. i dont have a good memory, i lose people regularly. not to death, but to time. to mistakes and growth and moving on. there are images of people in my closet from early days in school that i just know meant so much to me, but i dont know their names. i dont remember their voices. i dont know what they meant to me. i cant even grieve. the weight on my heart is not sadness, but a sort of confusion? like wonder, maybe. "i wonder what we were. i wonder what we could've been."

well, its whatever. life moves on. i will continue to dream and get lost in my thoughts. i will continue to fantasize about an unlikely future where i build a nice little cob house on a family farm and live off of the land that is totally not dying by man's hand. i will avoid the definition of feelings i do not understand, like grief, and wait until i learn the hard way. the hard way is the only way i've ever willingly learned, after all.

[cacaitos]

 so this is i think one of the last rants i had left, also abt incest so like.

what is it about incest that makes it even appealing in the first place...??? like this is not an essay i’m genuinely just ...???  and like writing the thought process so im gonna try to keep it as short as i can.

mostly abt fiction and fetish as smth that hinges on the social nature of a type pf relationship. what i mean is that tho incest exists as an action, im talking of the fetish part that through the conceptions of what a, say, sibling-like relationship is usually known of gets inserted into another relationship or are elements that are framed to arouse.

moving on, what i don’t get is what even, unique to a filial relationship, is supposed to be attractive.  like for starters let’s forbode noticeable agegaps and intergenerational incest bc age taints over the incest combined or not (like even for ppl born basically at the same time they assign them power over other thru age, but i mean what i see it’s the main appeal point abt that little sister-older brother for example, or niece/uncle/stepparent thing is the age-power dynamic that the incest is subservient to or as an aid). 

even staying purely horizontal here, see how people talk about cousins, even in things that have absolutely nothing to do w incest; a counsin they see only every 5 years, [aunt’s name here]’s family, their family; politically like close enough to keep X family resource inside but far enough to get external resource or relationship or benefit, those incestuous flings ppl seem to have as in ‘we’re not THAT close’ ‘that’s not THAT much blood relation’. frequently theres a sense of distanciation, sometimes they’re talked as if theyre not or just barely family, like theyre some rando.

honestly similar can be said of how ppl talk abt step siblings, or half siblings or adopted ones, even unrelated to incest, it’s just a tendency to Other family members like that much theire detriment sometimes. but w all this as far as reasons go abt justifying incest or why they just gravitate to incestuous relationships in fiction/fetisg even **if for not-so-malicious intents, to me there’s the Despite-of and the Because-of. So the ones where the incest is minimized of just that the pair are revealed to be related later on (real or fictional) for example are Despite-of. In contrast the Because-of is where i’m still perplexed about.

like anyone can say abt using incest as a narrative tool to say Y and Z abt The Human Condition, relationships or horror etc like sure ig, w good writing it’s meant to say smth significative. very big brain and all. or bc an exemplar coincides w more common and popular, unrelated to incest, tropes. But. i don’t think that’s what porn actor are thinking about. and i say actors or porn directors and not porn writers bc writers are still obligated to develop a story in its own right (regardless of writing quality) while porn, video, comic, images, whatever can exist on its own and whose context can be summarized in a single title w/o any story whatsoever.

WHAT about the idea of siblingry, in its most simple platonic ideal, is what’s sexy, regardles if the people are actual siblings or not, bc the title could also be put over ppl that didnt even have the concept of incest in mind and were not involved in the titling at all. again unlike age, or physical or any other type of power dynamuc that usually has v defined roles, WHAT can you insert abt siblingry, that’s unique to it, into a sexual or romantic relationship that appeals to some basic taste, need ot whatever.

i dont need to follow the thought process of a pedophile or a chaser of any kind to, at the very least, recognize the demographics they pursue and recognize why they do, or rather what allows them to predate them. you can at the very least understan that looking after vulnerable people or marginalized demographics is very convinient, be it individually (say, a drunk person), or as a class/group (lgbt teens). but can you describe A Sibling. even based on stereotypes, try to visualize a sibling. what does it look like, what age are they, like not even one related to you just the idea of a Sibling etc, its all relative. you can say the same abt parents ofc but more often than not, you can visualize an average age, reasons they couldva had children, that theyre parents BC they have children, thats a relative thing, but you dont need  to know the age of the kid or how they look bc the subject is Parent, not Child, no matter the stage of life either of those are in, theres a clear division of roles. but people have no control over siblings, theyre just givens outside their own control that you have to live with. it doesnt necesarily mean a cordial relationship or a jealous or a confrontational or competitive type of relationship, in my opinion.

it doesnt click yet in my mind what even the most basic, path of least resistance popular reason about it is that makes it, all in all, a very popular fetish, i try i really do. like if it’s just Bc It’s Taboo reasoning, literally you tell a kid not to do smth so theyre gonna do it stronger logic, i hope i don’t lose contact from the eyeroll im gonna do.

[dumblemonchickenwing]

Im  upset that people tend to see the tragedy in Emily’s story in  the part where Emily didnt end up with Victor.  Just that people perceive that exact part of her story as unfair . When the actual unfair part of her story was her having been killed and having her dreams taken away from her by a greedy man.

If I think about it from a bigger perspective: Emily should have been Not dead, she should have not had her heart broken by Barkis. The one who took away everything from her was Barkis in the first place. Emily should have been alive. What was unfair about what happened to her was that she was killed by Barkis. 

Barkis was the one who broke her heart and betrayed her and used her. Barkis was the one who caused her pain and who took away happiness from her. On top of that he caused her to be stuck in a place where she cant find peace. 

Victoria never wronged her in any way. She didnt “steal” Victor from her either. Emily ending up in a love triangle and having her heart broken over failed marriage with Victor was a long term result of Barkis’ actions.

 If anything, Victor and Victoria actually Helped her. They helped her find peace and free herself from her pain. They made things Better for her, not worse. Idk, maybe im wrong, but I cant agree when ppl say that the movie’s ending was unfair to Emily. And im just sad that people perceive the ending as Emily “being the loser who cant get love”. Emily isn’t a loser. She found people who actually cared for her. 

edit: Im sad that people see Emily as a “metaphor” for “too late to have love” because her story has Nothing to do with this.   Emily’s story is not a metaphor on being “broken beyond repair that you cant have love and whats left for you is to die”. In the movie she figured herself out and finally freed herself from the place she couldnt leave because of the damage Barkis had inflicted on her. She Moved on. Besides, had she decided to stay with Victor, she may have trapped herself in an unhappy marriage and not get any real love from it.

And, she did find someone who geniunely liked her and saw her as a person. Even if Victor didnt love her as a partner, he respected her and was willing to help her. Victoria could have done the same for her, she just didnt have enough screentime i guess

[bowievanfleet]

wish you were sober [jake kiszka]

genre- angst, very light fluff

pairing- jake kiszka x gn!reader

summary- jake is your best friend, sort of. your drunken escapades are destroying you, blurring the thin line between lust and love. will you be able to put your foot down? {based on wish you were sober by conan gray}

warnings- alcohol, 420, light sexual content (nothing ever happens), kinda toxic relationship

lmk if i missed any warnings!! i know this one is a doozy

wc- 1.9k

a/n- i had a vision, so i did it >:)) this is prob gonna be a multipart thing (prob only like 2 parts) so enjoy! there might be some mistakes cuz i didnt proofread it lol

p.s.- the song i imagined for the slow dance is fade into you by mazzy star, but its not required for the story :)

PART 1

this party’s shit

wish we could dip

go anywhere but here

you grimaced as you walked into the house, the smell of pungent alcohol filling all your senses. there were lights of all colors dancing off the walls, and some 2000’s rap blaring from the speakers. you could feel the bass reverberating through your chest, and you didn’t know if you wanted to give into it or get away from it. at least the music’s decent, you thought to yourself.

jake could feel you tense beside him in reaction to the overwhelming environment, so he wrapped a hand around your waist. “you okay?” he whispered directly into your ear so you could hear him over the music, lips brushing the shell of it.

you looked up at him, “yeah, i’ll get used to it in a second.” you replied.

he gave a smile and nodded, walking towards the bar with you by his side, never taking his hand off your waist. you desperately wished he would, because just by that simple action, you knew where this night was going.

he made you and him a drink, and you began to mingle around the house together.

he had always handled his alcohol well, but that meant he drank much more than you, often getting carried away most of the time. that left you as the designated driver, so you only accepted about 2 drinks from him.

you were starting to feel the light buzz as you and jake screamed along to whatever song that was blasting through the house, and you had to admit, you were starting to have a really good time.

you and jake had somehow found your way outside, and you grimaced as he pulled out a pre-rolled joint. “don’t look at me like that,” he jested with a grin.

“you know i don’t like that shit, it smells weird.” you argued, resting your hands on the back porch railing.

he just shook his head with a grin at your antics, and proceeded to light the joint.

you two made playful banter like always as he took a couple hits, eventually putting it out to head back inside. he got himself another beer on the way back in, much to your dismay.

don’t take a hit

don’t kiss my lips

and please don’t drink more beer.

“this one’s for all the lovers!!” the DJ yelled obnoxiously, and a slower song replaced the pounding bass through the walls. you watched in slight jealousy as all the couples gravitated together and started swaying, not even really dancing, just a sea of slow movement.

you stood on the outskirts of the dance floor, slowly moving to the music until you felt two arms wrap around your waist.

you knew it was jake immediately after you felt it, almost like your mind had unwillingly memorized exactly how his touch felt.

suddenly, all of your senses were heightened. you could feel every brush of his hair against your neck and your collarbones, the light pressure of his chin hooked over your shoulder, the subtle movement of his thumbs that he rubbed in circles where his arms were placed.

“we should dance.”

it wasn’t a question, more like a statement.

if you had closed your eyes, and forgot where you were, you could almost imagine this as normal. jake as your boyfriend, the both of you in a healthy relationship. you two would kiss, and actually talk about it in the morning. you would fall asleep next to each other, and not wake up scrambling away from each other.

don’t do it! don't be stupid like you always are! your mind tried to scream, but it was useless. you always knew how it ended up with him, and no matter how much you tried to stop for the betterment of yourself, you could never do it. you could never look at his face and audibly say no, it was like a wall in your head that you couldn’t get over, an unspoken rule.

you hesitated to make yourself feel better, even though you already knew the answer as soon as you asked it.

you turned around in his arms, looping your arms around his neck lazily.

i’m already this far, you thought. what is there to lose?

“okay,” you agreed, a half smile on your face. he gave you a smile in return, the softest thing you’ve ever seen, and you thought for a second you might collapse into him until he started walking you backwards toward the dancefloor.

when you were finally there, in the center of all the people, he pulled you closer and started to sway along with the rhythm. as you stared at his face, you realized something was different about this moment. he wasn’t trying to make a move. his hands didn’t go any further than your waist, he wasn’t trying to start something.

you felt a spark of something ignite in you. hope, maybe? hope that, maybe this was the night that you got what you had wanted from him all along:

returned love.

he was looking at you with the softest look you had ever seen.

not a look of need, or lust, or desperation. if you thought about it hard enough, you could almost identify it as adoration.

he looked at you like you had put each of the stars in the sky, and hung the moon just for him. he looked at you like you were a goddess, a divine energy that wasn’t from this world, like he didn’t deserve to be in your presence.

slowly, so slow that you could see exactly what was happening as it did, he dragged his hand up from your waist, along your side and over your shoulder, ending his journey with his hand on your jaw, right where it meets your neck. you felt your faces gravitate even closer than they were, and as soon as your lips met, it was like a light switch had gone off in his brain.

he tugged your face closer, working into your mouth with a force you had never felt before, but you didn't have the power to say no to it. you had convinced yourself that it was better than nothing.

and so you reciprocated, you mind going blank for a few seconds as you ran your hands through his hair. all of a sudden the song changed back to the excruciating bass from earlier, and he finally slipped his hands down where you had expected him to. he gave a rough squeeze as he made his way down to your neck, leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses on the expanse of it. he made his way up to your ear, “need you. so bad,” he whispered, and you finally heard the desperation that always got to you. he started walking you both toward the door, but not before getting another drink.

ripped jeans and a cup that you just downed

take me where the music ain't too loud

he stumbled out of the door with you, barely able to keep his lips off your neck, and you had to manually clear your brain a few times to distract yourself from the feeling of it long enough to open the car door.

he got in the passenger side of his car, and immediately your lips were together again, molded like pieces of a puzzle. you let your resolve slip for a second as you kissed back with equally as much force, and you forgot for a second what it is you were trying to do.

you weren’t going to let him have his way tonight, you were tired of it.

you were tired of pretending you didn’t care and you were tired of the drunken escapades that were never acknowledged. you knew he didn’t feel anything on the same level as you did, and you were exhausted to the point of tears because it was destroying you;

exhausted from pretending that you weren’t hurt when he never made a move to talk about what you had done the night before, and you were tired of kissing the alcohol instead of him.

kiss me in the seat of your rover,

real sweet but i wish you were sober.

…

trip down the road, walking you home

you kiss me at your door

you had barely made it to his door before he started up again, kissing you all over, his hands roaming every square inch of your body that he could reach. you weren’t blinded by it this time, and gently took his hands away from you. he pulled back with a look of confusion.

“what's wrong, is everything okay?” he asked, and you could tell the alcohol was slowly leaving him by how concerned he looked.

“jake, i can’t do this tonight.” you pleaded, trying to keep your voice firm but convincing at the same time.

he didn’t even question it.

as much as you hated jake for what he was doing to you, you knew he would stop the second you told him to, you just couldn’t find the power in you to want to stop. he was everything you’ve ever wanted and more, and if this was what you had to do to have him for a night, you would do it a million times over again.

but tonight, it was your breaking point. right now, you wanted to scream at him till your lungs gave out for making you so addicted to him.

“okay,” he said, not even questioning your motives for the rejection. “can you at least stay over though?” he said, pulling out his puppy dog eyes.

you might’ve brought up the courage to reject his advances for the night, but a night with him, platonically, was something you could never turn down, no matter how much you wanted to.

at the end of all of this, you were still best friends, and you hoped that at the very least, that would never change.

pulling me close

beg me “stay over”

but i’m over this rollercoaster

as you got into his house, the first thing you did was head to the kitchen to grab him some water. if you were planning to talk to him tonight, you definitely wanted him to sober up first.

as he plopped down on the couch, you brought the water over to him, shooting you a grateful smile as you grabbed a blanket and curled up on the other side of the couch, turning on some netflix for background noise.

you almost let out a laugh at him shifting around, trying to hide the obvious tent in his jeans so as to not make you uncomfortable.

honestly, you always let me down

and i know we're not just hanging out

before you could start talking, he suddenly looked over at you, giving you that damned soft look again, “i really like you y/n.” he slurred, a lopsided grin on his face. “i think you're really pretty, too.” he added, and you noted how he was getting to his soft and cuddly stage of drunkenness.

and before you knew it, before you got to say what you had prepared, you were in his arms, head rested on his chest and his arm slung around your shoulders.

you started to feel the weight of your emotions settle down into your body, and you were drifting off before you could oppose.

it can wait until tomorrow, you thought to yourself, and slipped into the blackness.

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[liums]

Leona x Reader (ft.vargas camp event)

Important information-  y/n is female but is pretending to be male.

Context- This happens in a timeline where when Yuu (aka y/n or mc) arrived to the NRC, since it was an all boys school, Crowley asked y/n to pretend to be male and keep it a secret.

 In Leona’s version, he found out when a teacher made him go check on y/n because “he” did’t show up in class.(Ruggie was too busy to go) When Leona arrived and knocked, since no one awnsered he just entered anyway lol. He saw a bunch of bandages on the floor and when he found y/n in a room, even if he saw y/n with unuasual long hair, he called and when y/n turned arround, Leona saw you were naked from waist up, with exemption of a bra....he was as shocked as he could be, and just turned arround and left. Y/n ran after him while dressing a shirt, explained the situation and he agreed to keep it a secret with a “What a pain I have gotten myself into” while rubbing his neck. (this happened after Jamil overblot and the two of you had a “I don’t mind his company ” relationship)

Now, with the story:

It was the end of the first day one and every club had just returned to the camp, exausted by the harduous day of challenges, ones more than others, since some didn’t even raise a finger. Y/n and Grim however were having their share of fun, they weren’t allowed to participate in the challanges, but recording such good memories with their friends was very fun.

  Y/n was reviewing the photos that were taken during the first day while Vargas was speaking with everyone. Just as you and grim were wondering where you two would sleep, professor Vargas came over and explained he was going to sleep in the Dawrfs hut and both of you would sleep in a tent next to it. 

....

Grim and you had just settled inside and were about to change to comfy clothes to sleep when you noticed the inside of your bandages were all sweaty, well that was to expect after such a day. After wiping the sweat you still felt the need to take a bath, most obviously you wouldn’t  ask vargas to take a bath in the hut due to certain circunstances.... You were thinking about what to do when you remembered there was a lake nearby, and it had a small and clean beach so it was secure...decided, you glanced one last time to check if Grim was asleep, picked a small bag with a spare of clothes and a small towel you brought, and left the tent.

.....

On the camp site Leona had just left to his tent, leaving Ruggie and the other members of the Magift club discussing who would stand watch and look after the fire. He was lying down trying to sleep when he felt a familliar scent. The noise outside was preventing him from sleeping, so he might as well just go check what the hell you were up to this time.

 He migh not admit it, but since the Octavinelle Incident, more specifically, since you had threatened him (when mc threatened making noise every morning outside of Leona’s room if he didn’t help them), he had grown an interest in you, and by now he really didn’t mind your company or when you showed up in the gardening house when he was napping, or even when you sat down next to him. Actually, it seemed that he slept better when you were there. But he would never admit this.

Leona quietly left the tent and went in the direction of the forest where he felt your scent. Leona had light feet and walking at night in the forest was almost as easy as it was during the day, so he reached you pretty quickly. 

You were walking steadly but slow, walking in a forest at night really wasen’t one of your skills, you almost tripped a few times. Of course Leona was nearby just watching the whole thing from behind with that smirk of his, he was even eating an apple, he was wondering how come you didn’t ear him. 

Well anyway, after a while he grew tired of seeing you strugle, and finally aproached you. He had just lightly touched your shoulder and calling you”Herbi-” but he couldn’t finish because you jumped from the sudden touch, screamed high enough to make Leona turn his ears backwards, and were about to trow a punch to whatever had just touched you when Leona caught your fist midair with ease. “Tsk, why so damn lound” he said while rubbing his temple with his free hand.

“Le-Leona?? Why are you here?” You had just finished your sentence when you saw his green eyes narrowing a bit, and it finally came to you you had tried to punch Leona Kingscholar. Your face went white in a matter of seconds, it’s not like you were afraid of him, you could say your relationship had reached the level of friendship more or less, but this was pushing the boundaries quite a bit!

 You quickly retreated your fist, who was still in Leona’s warm hand, and apologized “Ah-! I’m so sorry Leona!! It was a reflex!”.  Much to your surprise, Leona didn’t do anything and just crossed his arms “So? what are you doing at this time of night in a forest?”  

“Ah- I was.. heading to the lake...” you shifted your gaze to other side while scratching your cheek and smilling awkwardly. It’s not like you were lying to him, but you didn’t really want to say you were going to take a bath.  Leona concluded you probably had run out of water and didnt think more about it. You were thinking about what to say next, when Leona just started walking and passed by you. “Hmm, Leona? Where are you going?”you asked.

He didn’t even bother to turn arround and said “You are going to the lake right? hurry now or you will get left behind”. 

Uncounsciously you hurried to his side “You didn't ’t really have to come....”you said only hearing a “hmnn” coming from him. 

And maybe due to the shock you suffered a while ago or to the fact you were distracted by Leona’s presence, it still didn’t hit you that his presence migh make your task of taking a bath a tad more difficult. And when it did, you hurried to say “ Leona, you should really go back, I don’t want to take any more of your sleeping hours....” you really enjoyed his presence, but you really really hoped he went back.

“Now that we are already here its a bit late” He rubbed his head. He was right, you two had already reached the lake. You were taking in the beautiful scene of the lake and the moon reflecting on it when Leona spoke up “We don’t have all night” he was now leaned against some rock, and honestly he looked stunning in the moonlight with those emerald green eyes of his, but this was not the moment to be thinking about this!  You gave a few steps forward but stopped and looked at Leona “Could you..could you turn arround?” you shyly asked, your face with a light shade of red.

“Hm? What’s the problem of me staying here” he moved one of his hands to his hip and tilted his head a bit waiting for you to awnser.

 This time you couldn’t really look at him at all, you stiffened your shoulders a bit and finally said “I came to take a bath” In a voice so low Leona almost had trouble hearing it.

He looked a bit anoyed now “Ah?Then again what is the prob-” Leona stopped mid-sentence when it came to him. He had actually forgotten. He massaged his temple with his eyes closed and said ”I will be over there” and left to behind a strocture of rocks a bit farther away. 

You muttered a “Thank you...” and went towards the shore. 

There. you began by removing tha bandages arround your chest, and then the shirt you had used during the day whole day, you kept your pants since you just really needed to clean the sweat in your upper body. You emersed a towel in the water and when you finally felt the clean water of the lake in your skin, you let out a heavy sigh. 

On the other side was Leona, leaned against a rock, backwards to you. To anyone who saw him it would look he was sleeping, but he was actually dwelling on what had just happened. After he had found out and agreed to keep it to himself he did think about it for a while, but at that time you two were no more than aquaintances who meet a lot and sometimes went to classes together, so in the end, your situation had slipped to the back of his mind. He had a frown on his face but it wasent out of anoyance, but rather due to his own actions up until now. 

Leona was thinking about how the hell he had grown comfortable arround you recently when his eyes shot open by a splash sound and a high pitched scream coming from your direction. He got up and was ready to complain about the noise and about how come you fell in place with only sand ,when he heard that sound that had been perturbing his sleep the whole day. fairies. They were nothing to him, but you were a human, a non- magical one at that, so leona just made a tsch and prepared to dispose of them.

“Ah, what a pain” he said to the air while going to take them out. “Herbivore you stay.....”  

You were already dressed, but soaked from head to toe and with an unsetling expression Leona had never seen you doing, he would be making a smug face while mocking you if he warent too busy scaring that water fairy to death with his glare only. "Scram" he didn't scream, nor use an aggressive tone, but the way he said it had an imposing and superior aura.

And the fairy probably felt he would squeeze her to death next because she flew away in a blink of an eye. He was still making a mixed expression of anger and anoyance when he turned to you. “Thank you Leona, they came out of nowhere” You were trying to wipe away the water from your clothes , and only noticed Leona’s expression when you looked at him “Ah.” You looked troubled “Did I...did I perhaps wake you just now?” Anyone who spend more than 5 minutes with Leona would know how much he liked sleeping, and in your point of view, you were preventing him from sleep by having him acompany you to the lake.

Seeing your troubled expression made Leona get more at ease, and his brows weren't frowning anymore “Now it dosen’t matter, does it” he said while rubbing one of his ears.

 You were still doing your best to get most of the water off your clothes, but this didn’t go unnoticed by you “Have I hurt your ears too?” Your voice was now in its normal tune, sweeter, since now you didn’t need to pretend being male.

“Two times in a single night is too much, no?”He retreated his hand and returned it to his pocket. 

“The first time was your fault though....”You looked to the side and had a troubled smile on your face “But I apologize, sorry”.

 Leona analized your expression and half serious said “You don’t look so sorry however” he started rubbing his chin and curved a little to match more your height “What will you do to compensate me?”. With this statement you looked away and let out a troubled, very fake half laugh  “Ahahaha......”

Leona enjoyed seeing you troubled, more than he did the others, but in a good teasing way “*sigh*you should start thinking about drying yourself herbivore”. 

Oh don’t you say, It’s not as if you weren’t trying!!! “How come I didn’t think about that” you said while squezing your hair to get most of the water out of it. 

Now that Leona thought about it, this was the first time he saw you with long hair after that one day, and even if uncounsciously, he couldn’t bring himself to stop looking. “W- what? is it so weird I have long hair?” you had now cleaned most of the water off yourself, and Leona didn’t help one bit.

(Normally, you do your hair in a specific way so it looks short even though its long, i took that idea from Lucina from FE, i’ll drop a picture of how the hair is done at the end)

“What a problematic thing I have gotten myself into...” Despite seeming he was complaining about coming along with you to the lake, he was refering to spending time with you in general, somehow you were the kind of person who sooner or later would get involved in the most weird problems, and it seemed this time you had dragged him with you. 

However despite complaining, Leona had began enjoying your company for a while now. It had even reached the point that seeing you two napping side by side in the botanical garden was frequent. No one dared mentioning it though.

You noticed your bandages floating in the water "*Sigh....* it seems I cant use these anymore" you looked pitifully at the drenched bandages you picked up.

"Just use another shirt as a chest binder. If you hang it tightly enough it will have the same effect" Leona said as if this was the most normal situation in the world. 

You looked at him for a second "that is actually pretty smart you know" and proceded to do as he had suggested. After finishing and seeing how it looked you let out a pleased ‘hum’ sound and said “As expected of the great Leona!” you made a few moviments to see if it was comfortable and turned to him with both hands on your hips and a confident look  “So, how does it look??” 

Leona made an over exagerated expression as if the was thinking hard and made a “hmmm” sound for a long time just to keep you waiting. “Leonaaa!!” you cried, he intended to keep his teasing but after looking at your face again he noticed despite having a smile, you looked scared, afraid of something.

 No normal person would be able to see this, not even Deuce or Ace could, but after having you bugging him for so long, Leona had started getting more aware of things like this, so he stopped and let out a sigh of defeat. Honestly, only y/n to make leona give up his teasing.

“No one will notice” he said with a rare reassuring tone while tapping you on the shoulder. 

Hearing this, you let out the air you were unconsciously keeping on your chest. ”...thank you”. With that, you seemed more relieved, you really did trust Leona’s judgement huh. 

“Heh, if you are really that thankfull then next time you go to the botanic garden bring me food” Well, that seemed fair enough, you thought, but then a smug grin grew on his face “Actually no... that dosen’t seem enough to compensate my great effort.”

“Oh no...” you thought. At this point you could only prepare for what was to come. Leona could get tyranical at times with his requests, but he should have mercy on you......right?

After a dramatical pause, Leona continued “Next time my brother trows that furball of a nephew to me, you, my dear herbivore, will be so kind to take care of him for me”. What? That cute angelic cub? You saw no problem at all. At least on him you could release your hidden desires of petting lions ears. But looking at Leona, he really did look overjoyed he could get rid of Cheka next time he came visit. You couldn’t possibly ruin his moment by saying you would love to take care of his nephew, that would ruin part of his joy, so you just went along.

 You were going to start talking again when the wind blew strong, Leona had his super comfy looking camping coat, but you? In your still humid clothes it felt way colder than it actually was.

Meanwhile Leona had already went to pick up your bag ”Herbivore!” but as you turned to him, you saw only black ”Catch!”. You ‘eh’ed and expected your bag hitting you hard on the face, but next thing you knew, a fluffy warm feeling hovered over you.

After roaming arround with your hands you were able to take the ‘thing’ from your head, your hair was now a mess, but your eyes lit up when you saw that in your hands was Leona’s camping coat.

You probably spent a while looking at it, because Leona said “You gonna stay there eating my coat with your eyes, or you gonna return to the camp”. And when you looked at him again, he was already heading to the woods with your bag in hand.

“I’m going Leona, i’m going. wait for me!” you said while you hurried to his side and tried to put in the coat in a very sloppy way. You didn’t notice, but he was looking at the scene with a smug smirk. And by the time you had reached him, somehow, you managed to dress it wrongly.

“You know, I’m not an expert, but i’m pretty much sure that’s not how you dress a coat” He said while examining the way you had dressed it. “*sigh* come here”.

Leona then fixed the coat’s sleeve and helped you dressing it correctly while mumbling something about herbivores being too dependent.

------

You two were basically half way back to the camp, and you weren’t already there because you kept on misplacing your foot and almost falling, plus, the way back was upwards and it was dark. 

You had misplaced your food at least 30 times now, and in way too many of those, you had to grab Leona’s shirt so you wouldnt fall. And for someone who enjoyed their personal space, he didn’t seem to mind too much. 

You did try to avoid doing that as much as you could, but, just like now, you really had no other option if you wanted to avoid falling, so for the sake of your face staying off the ground, you grabed Leona’s shirt hem again.This time, with quite a lot of streight, and when you looked up, the first thing you saw was Leona’s ears turned backwards and he turning to you.

“Oi, don’t pull the hem of my clothes just because you have bad footing” (yet again I cannot decribe his expression properly, so I just drop an image of it, here) 

.(yes i edited it to match night time)

Tsk tsk, it’s not like you could help it! it was dark! and the ground was irregular as hell! and you didn’t have a tail or godamn cat eyes! And the coat was so big on you couldn’t even move properly your arms! And it even had his scent! 

Well, that last one wasen’t really aproblem, actually you were quite pleased with it, but you were running out of things to complain about!

This venting was only half hearted though, you were really comfy and warm due to the coat Leona lended you, plus it had his scent all over it, and even if it looked huge on you, it was quite the cute sight, and even Leona thought it, but that aint ever coming out of his mouth.

You were still trowing half hearted insults at the situation when a ‘oh’ sound came from him, and you uncounciously looked at him. Big mistake, since he had a ever so smug expression “Or perhaps....can it be that you are scared?” his smirk widened even more , if that was even possible, and he had a hand supporting his chin.

And this was it, you could almost feel a vein poping on your forehead “Who is scared??? you say that because you have good night vision and a fluffy tail to maintain your equilibrium!” you pounted and went pass trough him without caring anymore. 

It was very rarely you had these little outbursts, so Leona felt pround he was able to stir up one and was enjoying the situation the best way he could: with his eyebrows up, a smug smile, both hands on his hips and ready to tease you more.

You were still walking forward, and Leona was still talking, but all you could hear was ‘bla bla bla’ in your head. So when he stopped and said “wait, there’s a-

You were too late to realise there was a huge root in front of you, and triped over it, you quicly used your hands to protect your head and brace yourself for the impact.

That never came, because as we can expect, when you opened your eyes you were still mid fall, and there was an arm arround your stomach supporting you. “That’s why you should listen to me herbivore, why are you always giving me work” He said while massaging his temples, his arm still around you.

Now realizing how childish your small tantrum was, and how much of an help he had been, you were more composed “You didn’t need to catch me...” you said in low voice, now looking at the ground you would be in if not for him catching you.

“Ah? What crap are you saying now? after all the work I went trough, if you get full of dirt now it will all be for nothing” He looked a bit annoyed, but just like your insults earlier, it was half hearted.

And after lecturing you, Leona finally let go of you after assuring you were steady on the ground, “Let’s go now” he began walking again, only to stop moments after, for some reason his ears were a bit down ”Next time just grab my shirt again or something”. Despite looking uninterested, he was actually waiting for your reply, more specifically, you thanking him.

So he couldn’t help but look back when he heard you saying “Leona...” in such a sweet tone. Though what he was not expecting to see when he turned back, was a lock of your h/c hair stuck in a three branch. “My hair is stuck...”  you said with a voice of someone who still had a lot to lose, but needed help regardless.

Leona however, had the look of someone who was not paid enough to handle this, but it’s not like he could leave you there, so yet again while lecturing you on how herbivores should be careful, he helped you.

While he was, doing it more carefully than he would have with anyone else, trying to free your hair lock from the tree branch and telling you multiple times to stay still, you couldn’t help but wonder, a sad look now in your face.

“Hey Leona...” you began while facing the ground. Receiving a “Hah? what is it now?” from him. You were glad he was behing you, and you were facing the ground, because the look in your face was probably really pityfull. “Do you really not mind...?” You began stroking your hands with your thumb in a nervous way “you know, me being....” You really tried to finish the sentence, but Leona cut you off  “It’s not like it makes any difference is it? Why the question”

You thanked he couldn’t see you, or else he would have noticed your trembling hands. You valued a lot the bound you had with Leona, more than he could imagine. Ever since you arrived at NRC you felt you didn’t belong ,out of place, but when you were with him...that feeling disappeared.  You were really afraid this could affect your relationship, so hearing him say this, did reasure you a lot. “No particular reason, i was just asking haha-Ouch!” 

You felt a pitch in your head, but your hair was already free. “Next time don’t be this reckless” Leona scolded you. Did he just flick you.

“Did you just flick me”

“Got a problem with it? If possible I would like to reach my tent tonight” He was already walking again, just a bit slowler so you could easily reach him, and it was not like you could do anything againt him so while you massaged the spot, you just picked your pace and headed to the camp together.

----

You two had finally reached the camp, more specifically, Leona’s tent. “Oh, we are here...I should get going, thanks for coming with me” you gave him a small smile, and began walking away.

“Oi, aren’t you forgetting something?” You looked back to find Leona with his arms crossed looking at you. Only then came to your mind that you were still wearing his comfy outdoors coat. At the realization you quickly tooke it off and hand it to him, feeling a bit sad you could no longer feel his scent. “Here you go, then I will be off, good night Leona, see you tomorrow” you gave him another warm smile he so much apreciated and walked off again.

However, had you not walked 3 meters Leona spoke up again “Herbivore, come here” You wondered what could he want, so you turned to him again, and as soon as you did, he continued. “Sleep in my tent”. He had a calm expression and said it with the most normality ever, yet you were only able to let out a ‘eh?’ sound before he resumed. “It’s not like we haven’t slept together in the botanical garden before, and I doubt you are down to spend the night near that bastard. He dosent know, does he” On this last part he put a hand on his hip and gestured with the other, as if he knew he was right. Wich he was.

You instantanly knew the ‘bastard’ he was refering to, was your teacher, since he always adressed him that way. “Well...you are right...” That was the reason you had gone to the lake in the first place. 

But before you had the time to actually awnser his question he made a smug smirk and spoke again. ”Plus, won’t it be better to have the real thing instead of just my scent in a coat?” he said jokingly, yet again trying to styr up a reaction, but instead of doing that, you looked away a bit flustered. ‘Have I been caught?’ you thought while laughing nervously.

Seeing this, his eyes widened a bit and Leona’s own cheeks became a little red too and he hurried to say “Anyway, I’ll go sleep. Don’t make noise when you come in” And he headed inside, You hadn’t even agreed to his offer! But for some reason, you said “Wait, I’m going in too!”  And went in after him.

His tent could bear 2 people and still have plenty of space left, however, as expected there was only one cushion. And of course the great Leona wouldn’t give up on his sleeping place, and this was his tent after all, and since you didn’t want to impose yourself on his space, you just went to the corner and setled yourself on the bare ground of the tent.

Leona was busy setling himself to sleep, so he didn’t notice you doing this right away, but when he, did a small frown appeared on his face. “Oi Herbivore, do you really plan on sleeping on the ground? Hurry up and come over already” after saying this he moved a bit to the side as if to show you there was enough space for both of you in the cushion. 

Well, you were already inside and it was too late to back away, and it was defenitively better than sleeping on the ground, you just never thought he would give up on his personal space this much. Lately he did let you stay really close to him in the botanical garden, and there was this one time his tail was even touching you, but....was this really ok?? 

You knew Leona enjoyed his space so you were a bit nervous, but it went away as soon as you laid down on the comfy culshion and he turned to the other side while pulling the blanket to cover himself. “Finally some peace and quiet...” he said before going silent again.

You covered yourself as well, and even if you were a bit tense, as you looked at the top of the tent, and felt Leona-s warmth beside you, you slowly became drownsy “...hey Leona...?” there was no awnser but you went on anyway, probably due to the sleepiness taking over you. “I’m grad it was you who found out...” and finally, you fell asleep. 

If he heard you or not? Well, we will never really know.

*This could end here, but I decided there wasent enough bounding nor fluff*

It was now arround 2 or 3 am, and the night became colder, you weren’t awake, but it did bother you, so you moved a bit more towards the midle of the culshion trying to escape the cold, settling only when you met some warmth, a nice one at that.

-----------

Leona never had problems falling asleep, this time was no exeption, he had fallen asleep seconds after he had covered himself. But it was a bit hard not to wake up when something, or rather someone was snugling onto your back. Even though his eyes shot open the moment he felt you, he didn’t move or speak, since he could tell you were asleep by the sound of your breath. Well it really was cold, and he knew he was hot, (take this in the way you want XD)  so he couldn’t blame you.

Instead, he waited some minutes to assure you wouldn’t wake up, and then turned to you. You were peacefully sleeping turned to him, with your hands clutshed together in your chest and your h/l (hair lenght) h/c hair all messy. He had a hand supporting his head while looking at your peacefull sleeping image. 

During the times you fell asleep beside him in the botanical garden you looked nothing like this, at those times you looked more composed, as if you had a wall arround you, your hair looked way shorter too, but also...in none of those times you looked as vulerable and comfortable as now, it was like he couldn’t take his gaze away from you, greedly taking in all he never could. As a matter of fact, he even fell asleep like that.

-----

You were still asleep, but the morning rays of light began bathing the tent making the inside getting brighter and disturbing your sleep. Of course, as any person who was awake until lord knows how late, you shut your eyes tighter and tried your best to sink further in the blankets. Fortunately for you, you didn’t need to move much, since something was now sheltering you from the sunlight, and much to your pleasure, whatever it was, it was really warm too, wich made you cling onto it even more. 

After you began to regain a bit of counsciousness, you felt something heavy hovering over you, and your pillow felt a bit harder too...only after a while did you notice this wasen’t normal, and slowly opened your eyes, afraid of the morning light hurting them, but you only saw darkness, only after trying to understand the situation did you start feeling soft breathing on top of your head, and a familar scent came to your nose. You did try to pull away to see what was happening, but you only got pulled closer, now concious, you felt two arms tighttening arround you.

When you finally managed to join the pieces together, your face reddned at an incredible speed, and a “Leona..?” scaped your lips, realising what you had just done, you quicly covered your mouth with your hands, hoping he didn’t listen. However some seconds after, he made a low and deep growl, as he so many times did when you had to wake him for class, exept you had never been this close when he did it.

Honestly? From a 3rd person view, it it looked like a lion holding his prey, and it sure felt the same to you!. I mean, holy- the man was strong! you tried to get free from his grasp multiple times, but he didnt even flinch! You needed to get out of there, and fast, you were a blushing mess, and out of everyone, Leona was the last person you wanted to see you like this, he wouldn’t let you go without mocking you about it every hour .So when he began moving again you froze on the spot.

Leona began by closing his eyes thighter, as if trying to deny the morning sunlight. With his eyes still closed, he stretched his neck and afterwards tried to do the same with his arms, but seeing he was unable to, he opened his eyes with much relutancy only to see a Y/n under his grasp.  He was quite surprised at first, and if you weren’t so embarassed, you migh have noticed the small blush that appeared on Leona’s cheeks, but such a surprised expression was quickly replaced with his usual smugness. 

”Hmmmm....Look at what a small herbivore has been caught...” You felt his jade eyes sharply looking at you, but you refused to meet his gaze. “L-Leona I..I have to go” you said. Now that he was awake there was no need to be carefull, you simply got up, and tried to leave the tent. Seeing this, Leona quickly called you “Wait y/-” only to be interruped by a sharp pain and you triping and falling.

Despite being awake for just a short while, you were quick enough to use your arms so you wouldn’t fall face on. You and Leona let pain growls out, and looking at eachother afterwards, you noticed what made you fall. On your right leg, there was something wraped around your ankle.

You had now the most complicated expression you had in a while “......Is that....your tail?” you crouched down and looked at it closer “Did...did you really just wrap your tail arround my ankle?”  You thought of touching it, but he would get angry so you ignored your desire to do it. 

Leona was still rubbing his lower back, and only then did he look at you “Ha?What are you saying, of couse I didn’t” He had a small frown, but his voice didn’t have any ill intent.

“It is-” You didn’t even finish your sentence, Leona had already wnraped his tail. He semed to be somewhat sulking. This however made a sweet yet mischievous smile grow on your face. You thought he was just messing with you, but...he clearly hadn’t intended in getting his tail wrapped arround you. Did this mean..earlier when he had his arms around you, he really wanted you close?? 

Either way, you couldn’t let a flustered Leona scape so easily, it was your time to have fun. “Hmmmm... I wonder how did this tail get arround my ankle then...” you said while you sat on the couch and faked being thinking hard about it. ”Could it possibly be that the great Leona-san does actually enjoy my company?” you pointed at yourself while your eyes were closed and went closer while a smug smirk grew wider on your face. “..Ah! Will you purr for me nex-”. 

What happened now was too fast for you to say anything, but next time you knew, you were in Leona’s grasp again. “Shut up”. You were both laid on the couch again, but this time your back was on his chest, and he was hugging you closer from behind. ”You are anoying” he said in a low voice while he tried to get comfortable on the pillow, nudging his nose a little on your hair while doing it. 

So, this was so sudden you were no longer working at all, your eyes were wide open and “??????” was all that was in your mind for some good 6 whole seconds. Only then did you regain your rationality, and you had to admit, this was pretty soothing if you thought about it...having him embracing you, it really was comfortable...and his warm breath slowly hitting the back of your head... maybe...a little...”just a ...little... longer then...” and you drifted off to sleep once more. Leona who was already half asleep himself was only able to muster a  “...good” and clinging more to you, his tail rested now atop of you, he drifted off too.

---------

~6 minutes later~

*CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG*

“!????!!??” Your eyes shot open because of the lound noise, and afraid someone would come in, you tried to get up and leave as fast as you could. However, before even being able to sit, you were pushed back to the place you were before “Stay” Leona said with a sleepy voice, his eyes not open yet. 

“Leona..! wake up..!!” you cried while trying to move him.

*CLANG CLANG CLANG*

Hearing the call to wake everyone, you looked in the direction of the tent entrance. Meanwhile Leona let out a  small growl of protest while finally letting go of you and sitting on the couch “No one is going to some in” he finally said while massaging his temples because of the lound noise, his ears a bit turned back.

Hearing that did reasure you, and looking so relaxed as he did, it was hard not to believe him, though it was leona who we were talking about so....

You were looking at him with the helpless expression of someone who knows it’s a lost cause. Though as soon as he noticed you looking at him he said with the still narrowed eyes of someone who just woke up from a pleasant sleep and a grin growing by the day, his fangs now showing  “hmn, like what you see?”he said, stretching afterwards.

You just let a “mhum, right” and stood up “That one is getting old Leona”. Just as you had devoleped the habit of always going to the botanical garden to see him, recently, he too, had devoloped this tendency of showing off and praising himself everytime he woke up and you were there. So you were quite used to it by now.

You streached and picked up your bag, and noticing he was looking at you as well, and turning back to him “And you? Enjoyed having this ‘herbivore’ as an hostage?” you said jokingly. Leona, still laid down, with his hand supporting his head, smirking tenderly yet smugly at the same time ”If I remember correctly, the ‘herbivore’ entered the lion’s den by it’s own will”. 

Not having a way to argue back, you changed the subject “I really should get going now.” You said while quickly looking arround to check if you didn’t leave anything behind. And as you were going to exit, Leona grabed your wrist “For someone being so carefull the whole night, you sure can be reckless” He released your wrist and you looked at him with a confused expression, seeing this, he let out a sigh  “You sure you want to get out with your hair like that?”.

Your face went blank for a split second at the sudden realisation you had lost your hair elastics at the lake last night. What were you gonna do? Seeing this, Leona shook his head slowly as if asking himself why did it sometimes felt like he was babysitting you, and more importantly, why did he actually enjoy it. “Here” he said while taking off his own hair elastic and handing it to you. “I don’t have another one, but this should solve the problem until you reach your tent”

Receiving his hair elastic in your hands, your eyes were sparking with thankfullness. Quickly, but nimbly you did your hair in a similar way you always did. Finished, you swiftly left, but not one step later you turned to him again. You had an earnest look in your eyes “....Thank you Leona, for everything. Imean it” you finished with a small smile on you. Leona was going to say something along the lines ‘You should, I don’t usually put this much effort, I expect you to pay me back’ , but you went to him and did the impensable.

You were going to leave, but before you turned completely to the exit, you turned back to Leona again, and walking rapidly towards him, and without thinking twice, you hugged him. Despite being friendly with everyone, you had never done this before, nor to him, nor to anyone since you had arrived to the NRC (I’m sorry if you are a hugs person).

 Needless to say, even Leona was speechless during the whole thing, its not like just anyone could try to hug him, much less being allowed to, there was only Cheka, but that was a special case. 

 That being said, this was so unexpected that even when you let go of him, exited swiftly and without looking back, he still had his jade green eyes wide, only regaining his senses several seconds later. A deep blush formed on his cheeks, you had quite the audacity for a magicless herbivore who saw what he was capable of with his magic....though he dosen’t dislike it when you do it...

He thought just before leaving the tent for the morning meeting.

-E N D-

I can’t believe it took me so much time to finish a one shot... I wanted it to be small but it turned out with 5k words.... I can’t control myself haha...

anyway, I dont own Leona or any of the Twisted wonderland characters, only my oc, this is only  a fanfic therefore not canon.

---

The art was drawn by me and I will apreciate if you followed me on instagram or Twitter if you liked it.

Liums twitter

Liums instagram

Let me know if you like this kind story, where I shift a bit the already existing one.

here is the pic I mentioned :

(Didn’t draw this one)

BTW requests are open 

Also, add me if u want uwu

[hobidreams]

ok this is ab to be a very unpopular opinion 👀 but oc deserves SO MUCH better than yoongi !!! like yea he’s sweet and loving and gentle now but the way he treated her in the beginning was atrocious. he was so rough, so uncaring, he made her cry, and he literally used her while KNOWING her feelings for him. he even admitted that he straight up thought of her as a whore? the one thing she’s been sensitive about her WHOLE life due to her social status, which he prolly knew about bc they were friends for so long. like all of their history washed away as soon he got caught up in his angst and started to see her as someone to have sex with. like her mom died too lmfao ur not special 😭😭

i see where ur coming from for sure! if this story was happening irl in our time period, i would tell oc to leave him too lol. but i also believe that good people make shit decisions. and that people do physically and mentally change due to trauma.

please remember that the beginning of the series is NOT the beginning of their relationship!! he has always tried to treat her with kindness, esp when he was a teen. what i tried to show throughout the series was that he has always been that loving and gentle boy. but he was so confused and unable to allow himself to have those feelings after being thrust into kingship!

and yes, she lost her mom too, but he also lost the person directing him as king of the entire damn country. hes terrified. every wrong move he makes could send thousands of ppl to their deaths. even his executions were trying to save the rest of his people. worst of all hes not even allowed to be sad bc he has to perform strength for the court.

he never ACTUALLY saw her as someone to have sex with. he TRIED to do that, bc that's what he thought a king should do (get rid of all his weaknesses). as he says, "Even though at one point, at my worst, I thought that was the only way I could have you. If I told myself to think of you as…" he repeatedly tells himself to imagine her that way but it never works (how many times have we told ourselves to stop crushing on someone and its absolutely futile? i did it so much 😭) he renovates the whole pavilion for her. he gives her an ENTIRE HALL to practice her medicine (a hall is fucking enormous lol. like giving someone an entire house instead of a room). he never uses her as just a body bc he cant hide his feelings. if i wrote nov 1868 from his pov, itd be more evident how he breaks down, needing her touch, needing her compassion as he rmbs all those happy times they had together as kids. there are hints of it there, like when she notes that he seems to be lingering w his touches. every time he had sex with her, he was just as in love with her as she him. hes physically unable to see her as "just a body to use."

also,,, he actually only calls her "whore" ONCE, in april 1869. i didnt explicitly mention it in the story bc there was never a place for it but i imagine he saw her puffy eyes that night and saw how the word seemed to bother her and so he never says it again. every other iteration of it comes from oc degrading herself. i also imagine he went back to his chambers that night feeling so shitty and sad, beating himself up for wanting her and hurting her by doing so but also being unable to truly leave her behind.

unfortunately mlt is mostly from oc's pov so its hard to show his side :( but i tried to show disonnance between his words and his actions. he doesnt treat her like any mere woman. he never has 😭

also maybe i didnt explain this enough but his trauma with the assasination attempt is his reasoning for why he tried to keep oc out of it/as only a body to use. he didnt want her to end up like his mom or that other concubine if feelings got involved. he didnt want her to love him. but thats where he was wrong--feelings were always involved between these two.

[nctworststuff]

2 Hearts 1 love; Chapter 1: Beginning

jPairing: Taeyong x fem!reader ft bestfriend!Yuta

Sub-genre: Angst, crack, College au

Sub-Warning: Breakup, cursing, doubt about love, mention of kill, mention of gun and knife, featuring of Yuta, coffe, cringe (?)

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Words count: 1.4k

Summary: Already written in the paper that y/n and Taeyong are destined to be together. But there must be challenges and storylines that they have to go through

Sub-summary: The very beginning story that tell you about how you meet each other

Velvet say: This is an event for The TaeTae Day! I hope you guys love it! Sorry for any mistake!

Tagging: @supermwritersnet @jaehyunstories (send an inbox if you want to be added)

Masterlist of this series | Next

-

"We breakup"

"If its all you want" Your voice are calm but anyways you slammed the table and stand up, let your untouched cup of coffe on the table spilled.

Your (ex) boyfriend shook that you not even show him any expression. You just act professional and your face just calm. Its because you know he cheated on you for a long time ago. You just pretend to blind your eyes with those pain. You tired of this.

"Y/n, please dont made any mess-"

"No one care about the messy I made. And you said you cheat on me right? Okay. Also yeah, have fun with your new girl" you said before shut the door, not forget to shove your shoulder with his.

He just stay still at his place, not even move. He pissed off a bit of what you said

”Such a rude lady”

You are tired of this. This is a... second time you're in this situation? But The fact that your ex cheating on you not hit you at all. You get used with it. Why you have to cry?

Plus it's not essential at all. You know he is not a right person for you from the beginning of your relationship. Okay, there's a scar a in your heart but it doesn't effecting you life at all

After the a few days you breakup with your ex, you just scroll the social media and do a thing that just wasting your time. You just want to spend your time with real and only y/l/n y/n. Thanks to your ex, because of him, you feel really doubt about love.

In the future, if you have a grandchild, you can imagine it about them asking you a love thing like "How grandma fall in love for the first?" Or "Who is grandma's first love" and something that related about the topic. Of course you would lying about the 'first love' question.

Because you dont want to tell a hurt thing behind a happier one. Let just blind them with those thing, so they know that love is somehow is a good thing but actually they finally know what is artifical love and true love when they go through it. And you would do the same thing with your future child

You shook your head

Okay maybe this is too FAR and this is too early to think

Until you get a call from someone,

"Hello" the familiar voice speak

"Hi Yuta. Whatsup?"

"Meet me, at usual place at 2.00"

”Sure”

"Why you suddenly decide to meet me? Usually you would busy on the weekdays like this" you stirring a coffe you received from a waiter at usual place. Usually, you hang out with him at here when holiday or when he want to discuss about assignment

"I already complete an assignment early which professor had give us plus I dont know what to do today. So I decide to hangout with you” he take a sip of hot espresso

"Nothing to talk about?" he ask you like he know that you're hiding something. You gulped

"What?" You act like nothing happened

"Spill the tea“ oh, he really know about it

"Well, yeah I just spend my time with my pho-“

"No. I was talking about you and him" he cut you off.

"You broke up with him right?" How he know about that? He doesn't supposed to know this

"How you know about that?"

"You forgot he is my friend" he replied

"Gee. Friend? I didn't know you are friend with him"

"Not really friend. Just my classmate"

"Im regret to date with him" you rolled your eyes. How you feel stupid at yourself for fall easily at the very beginning and you got nothing at the end.

"Thats why its called regret, y/n" He is right. Regret is a dissapointed over something that already past. And you date with your ex is the thing of a past.

"Dont talk about him. Im tired with that. I should kill him" If you have a knife or any gun in your hand, you just already kill him when you saw he cheated on you

”Unfortunately, its a crime”

”Yeah, I know”

"Dont worry. Maybe there is someone out there who are truly right for you" yeah, maybe.

"Who would it be?"

"Someone. Someone that is not me. Cuz Im not deserve you" yuta play with his finger

"Stop talking about love. Love is too early for me"

”But we are getting older, y/n" you know day by day you are getting older but if you still not believe with love you can get into the trouble

”I feel doubt about love" there is it. The feeling of doubt always running through your head

”Trust me, love is exist”

”I know but somehow its like fake for me”

”How about that red haired guy?”

”Who?”

”You dont know? He is a student at our college and also my classmate. He is quite attractive though but he rarely talk with peoples”

”I see. I dont know about him but why you suddenly talk about him?" Red haired guy? You love red. Sound interesting but you are not sure with that

"Just said if you are interested”

”Sorry but Im not that type to fall easily”

”Fine. But think twice when you meet him one day”

You keep thinking what Yuta said a few hours ago

"But think twice when you meet him one day"

It keep repeated in your mind.

You drink you strawberry milkshake with a straw while thinking back about it. Was he is really that attractive? Red hair sounds good to be honest.

You walking to the park and take a fresh air. Woah, how long you didn't do this thing?

While holding your drinks, you slowly walks to the brown wooded bench. You sit on it and enjoying the view of the park. You are too careless and didn't realize that you spilled someone drinks. When you finally notice it, you panicked and dont know how to deal with it

"What the fuck this cup of coffe doing at this bench?" You said at yourself. Who puts a cup full of coffe and leaves it alone? Is it funny and weird at the same time?

"WHAT THE- WHAT DID YOU DO!" You flinch when you hear the man wearing a black tshirt shout at you. He walking towards you. His face is red and thats mean he are very angry right now.

"What you do with my coffe?" oh no you are in the big trouble right now. There is a 7 billion peoles in this universe but why always you get into the problem?

"Im sorry! I didnt mean it! And who the fuck put their own things and leave it alones!" You raised your voice and rolled your eyes. Anyways, you have to face it

”Oh god! I leave it alone because I have to buy something. Cant you beware of something! I waited for this coffe a long time ago” tsk, how funny, you thought.

“I didnt notice it when I sit at here! Dont just blame on me”

"Did you use your eyes or your knees? Watch carefully! You didnt know how much I put effort on it" he rolled his eyes. His face was familiar for you

"Come on, its just a cup of coffe"

"if so, replace me with the same coffe with the coffe you spilled” he look at you with a daring eyes

”Fine. Its not a big problem at all”

“Here is your coffe, Ma’am” the barista said and handed it to to you

”Thanks. How much?”

”25 dolla (usd)” you cursed silently. How expensive. You can feel the guy’s smirking at your back as you took out your money

”Thank you, Ma’am. Hope you can come again”

The barista flashed a smile to you and you smiled back. You walk out from the coffe shop. You rolled your eyes when you meet your eyes with the guy. You handed the coffe to him. He just take it and walk away. That make you clench your fist and your jaw

”Can you at least say thank you?”

”No. How to say thank you?”

“Such a ungrateful man” you just spend your money just for his coffe and now he act like nothing happened

”Whatever. Meet you tomorrow“ he walk away and didnt even turn back to look at you. His action made you let a long sigh and something popped in your mind

What does he mean by meet me tomorrow? and his face somehow look familiar

Black tshirt

Attractive eyes

Red hair

Oh shit, he is the guy that Yuta talked about

-©Nctworststuff

[billionairesitgirl]

Do you have any tips to help someone who keeps failing? I have been trying for several years now to get started and feeling more and more hopeless every year. I have attended $$$ events, lost weight, moved closer to major cities. Then of course COVID struck and made things worse. Is there something I can do that can help me gain an "in" or are certain things just not meant for some girls.

KEEP TRYING !!!

Yes i screamed it...  but that’s because thats the most important thing in succeeding.

Secondly Congrats on taking the steps and trying..... 

(THIS MIGHT MAKE MAKE YOU NEUROTIC.... If you already are then DO NOT DO THIS)

The following is also important 

1.) Have you asked your self why you keep failing?

Take a pen and paper and spend an entire day by yourself. Think, play things over in your head and Analyze.... This is probably the only time i truly suggested, over analyzing the crap out of your life, decisions, faliures and successes. 

(a) What mistakes, do you keep making? or What mistakes do you think you keep making. 

(b) what makes them mistakes 

(c) Would those actions have worked out better in something else or displayed to someone else 

(d) who and/or what would this action work on

2.) List your obstacles ... Every single one you could think of... 

Make 3 categories

 .....Obstacles you have gone through - What caused it? who caused it? (Regardless of who caused it... You owe some responsibility... so still own up to it... But remember BE KIND to yourself...) 

There is a fine line between being kind to yourself  and completely absolving yourself of any responsibility when owning up to the responsibility of things gone wrong

......Obstacles repeated - How do you NOT repeat this Again?

.......Obstacles Imagined and Obstacles that could still happen (based on different things, character flaws, finances, men’s personalities, race, looks, nature) Get as detailed as needed.  

Man plans and God unplans ... 

However, as humans we have ability to at least create contingencies... try to come up with possible contingency plan and POSSIBLE action on how to still not stand still when one of those obstacles appear... Basically figure out another way to scale through, wiggle through, swim through... whatever way (As long as there is life, health and will... there is a way.... After all people have clawed out of dungeous using only a stick or even their finger nails)

3.)  What have you tried that didnt work? or keeps failing... List it

4.) What ever #3 is that didnt work... What is the alternative that you haven’t tried. 

5.) Clearly you see this as an investment if you have lost weight, moved etc... What is missing in the picture? (I don’t know you, nor have I spent time with you or know your thinking process or views... So this is something even if you dont know what is missing... You have to sit and think... Sleep on it, give it time but remain introspective but be mindful to know when clarity presents itself. 

Being brutally Honest with yourself is the only way to know what is missing and where you are missing. 

Example: I met a gorgeous black girl A few months ago. From the get go, I knew she was hypergamous... The men also knew. But there was something missing and i couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Until we were all talking with the men present. 

She carried herself as a pretty girl, sweet and bubbly... But she made the mistake of trying to emulate the white woman’s countenance... So she could be doted on same as a white woman... I can’t explain this in detail.

But while it is good to emulate things noteworthy in other people... She lost her self and her own personal spark.  As a black woman... She avoided the pitfalls of a stereotypical black woman (quote on quote)... in the process, she mistakenly lost her goddess quality and blended in with the rest.  The men moved on from her. 

My Point is: WHAT IS MISSING... Are your run of the Mill? What is your core

6.) Standard - 

Do you have set standards? expectations of yourself and of the Men and of your surroundings?

Do you keep it? Do you up hold it or do you switch or lower it under pressure? 

Not to give too much information... I refused to live in the poor neighborhood when i moved off college campus. I lived in a condo and lived Smack in the center of the wealthy part of the city. I was not in this lifestyle then... But it was simply my standards... And even though it meant staying on campus longer till i got it... I did that.

Example 2: I have friends who do not care what hole they enter to get entertained (granted you can meet people anywhere)... But I am not the type that goes out very often... So why will i waste my few outings in some frat boys bar or club. So I go to high end places.

Example 3: I met a man who recently sold his company with upwards of $80 Million... I wasn’t told... I was aware of the process and listened to him through the proceess complain about delay in the closing and trying to avoid tax etc

He was deperate to meet me in person. As a matter of fact the day he closed. He flew me to his city (I went cause i was bored).  Long story Short... He is the type of man that got lucky... There isn’t much in terms of comparison... Thinks he knows everything, thinks himself black people’s savior and makes comments such as “If there were black women like you”...  Has some racists views he doesn’t think is racists... I met his friends... I liked one (But he just recently got remarried and was the smartest of the bunch). They had pissing games who had thr most rolex collection etc... He was crazy about me... Still is even without so much as a kiss and i spent a weekend there. (Had my own hotel room)

But, I knew while the money was there, he was generous and was crazy about me... It would drive me nuts being with him and interacting with his friends... My standard here is that I won’t deal with any man who so much as stresses me mentally especially as I am a black woman... I won’t take nonsense.

My Point is : What do you compromise on that you do? It is a long road being steadfast to your standard... But it has been worth it for me.

Do not use anyone’s standard... Create your own and work on keeping it... Men will despise you for it... But respect you all the same.... It is a weird placed to be.

7.) What type of events do you attend. When you attend events, go out etc... What do you do? How do you approach these events? Do you wing it? Do you plan it?  Are you fearless and confident or shy or just pleasant enough to exchange pleasantries alone? What vibe do you give off? 

How do you dress? Different styles can come across different ways... Some ooze Sexy, some ooze elegance with a hint of sexy, some basic, some regular, some say just another event person

8.) Closer to Major cities : what part of that do you live? Even if you are not in the center of things... Where do you go when you go out? How often to do go to wealthy areas, who do you interact with there? 

There is a plethora of questions who have to ask yourself.

With Covid I have met people (but then, I work for myself and have more freedom to move around and also take mini vacation in other cities) And I already have a network... So, I have a  leg up -  

But, I know girls here and people are also still meeting people.

What is stopping you? What avenues and methods have you tried? Have you thought outside the box? 

Hopeless? No... Wrong direction... As you fail you learn things that dont work so that should make you hopeful. 

Also, I am a big beliver in manifestation and law of attraction. Feeling hopless will only make things more hopless...It will attract more faliure...

Find ways to think more positively, ways to turn negative things into potentially positive things... In this case you do not have to be rational... Imagine everything negative happening has a positive... 

e.g  : A man cancelled on you = It wasn’t meant to be... It might have turned into a terrible situation for you... Thank God or the universe for saving you from whatever it is you arent aware of. 

eg : Covid happening : Time to make more money, invest. Brush yourself up, level up some more, learn new ways to meet this men and become more resilient so you come out fire when, the world isnt tupsy turvy

e.g : Getting older: Perfect, the more sure and certain you become in yourself, the more you actually find out what makes you stand apart, the more you find out who you are and realize that whatever amount a man was going to give you last year, you’ve outgrown it with age, maturity, acheivements etc.

You get the gist.... NEVER FEEL HOPELESS

You can feel sad... But not hopeless... Dust yourself up and try again...

Maybe one day i will take time out to share some of my own short comings and faliures... Cause i think we share the successes much more;  that people think there aren’t mistakes and faliures and short comings... I have had them, and I continue to work and fix them. 

The only thing is after my introspection... and brow beating myself and figuring it out...i don’t like to dwell on the faliures... I put my self to work updating myself. Besides I think sharing more good news brings more good news and vibes... But, there isn’t anyone that can claim to not have had obstacles and faliures.

Finally: My sister beleives everyone has a destiny... But everyone is also capable of changing theirs... 

With regards to your question...  About certain type of girls ...

The Answer is NO...

Some people might find it harder, or lack the resources and know how

But trying, pushing ones self, acquiring knowlegde and doing whatever it takes (of course within reason and comfines of morality ) Is what makes the difference.

As i write... I know women who took their entire savings to go to ST Barts for New Year...  (Would I? NO) But some would... My point is. 

You will go as far as you are capable of seeing yourself go.

So if you want a change in your pattern... You have to break the wheel... Try something new you haven’t tried yet... And a new approach. 

Question for you: “Gain an in?” Into what circle do you want an in? What type of man

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