#but tbh no that isn't true either
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i think i would always be weird and trans and dissatisfied no matter what kind of body i was in
#idk i thought for a while that the only thing that would make me feel better#is if i was just born as a cis man from the start. then i would be happy and have zero problems#but tbh no that isn't true either#if i was amab from the start i wouldnt be happy with that either. i would feel some peculiar pain in my chest when i thought about lesbians#and i wouldn't want to transition halfway or be happy just wearing the clothes.#i'd want estrogen. i'd want surgery and long hair and a different face#it doesnt matter what kind of body im stuck in. i think im always going to long for some unattainable Other#tbh if i was naturally skinny i would probably hate that and be insecure about that also.#anyways. this is why i avoid thinking about it. theres no solution#unless they invent shapshifting at will sometime within my lifetime#im trans but ftm or mtf won't make a difference. the thing i got assigned at birth is Me and what i want to be is Not Me
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the real struggle of being a jiang cheng stan is that the one thing i do actually side-eye him for is also the thing that literally none of the antis give a shit about
#mdzs#jiang cheng#they can't even roast my problematic fave in the right way....it's rough out here#tbh this might actually be better for me. if the antis did actually start bashing jc for the thing i side eye him for#i would actually have to take the L. seething coping etc.#but as things are they only focus on shit that either isn't true or just isn't bashing-worthy so i can freely dismiss their arguments#yanyan speaks
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there is a world of difference between "this person was fired for supporting palestine" and "this person was fired for being a raging antisemite" and you do in fact need to actually look at what that person said to determine which it is. it sets a dangerous precedent to consider any support of palestine inherently antisemitic but it is just as dangerous to excuse antisemitism under the guise of supporting palestine.
#text#this isn't even just about celebrities either like there was some post going around a while ago that was outraged about some doctor#which literally included a screenshot of his post where he praised hamas for october 7th?#and tbh if you are both a) cruel enough to celebrate a terrorist attack and b) stupid enough to post that under your real name and face#then yeah! fuck around and find out#you can't just read a headline and assume the comments that got them fired were blown out of proportion by the (((media)))#but you also can't assume that they must have been fired for literally agreeing with hitler either#you need to read what they actually said and determine for yourself whether it was warranted or not#also related to the online outrage around the celebrities signing that letter about wanting hamas to release the hostages#calling everyone who signed it a genocide supporter for. literally wanting hostages released.#and wanting israelis and palestinians to be free to live in peace. anyone who signed that letter is now an evil genocidal zionist apparentl#because people didn't read the letter themselves and just assumed that must be true!#i/p#antisemitism
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*said with increasing distress, eyes blodshot and an empty mug in hand* you guys remember writing right????? you guys remember posting fic and publishing things and talking to editors about potential projects right???? you guys remember being creative in your creative jobs and not just rereading old work and having a panic attack over the time wasted over curating hyperspecific character playlists that you get mad about five minutes later right????? i'm not insane right????? creative block is normal even if it lasts for months right???? i haven't written a fic in YEARS but it's ok i'm ok i have to finish TWO original pieces for next week that I haven't even started but it'll probably be fineeeee I'm totally not being a complete and raving lunatic about it it's probably gonna be okay <3 yay <3
#AND I STILL HAVEN'T APPLIED FOR MY NEW SHOW IN THEATRES ?1!!!!???? AJAAGAGAHAHAHFGH#BABYGIRL I CAN BE DRY IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FOR PROJECTS THAT ARE ALREADY EVEN PLANNED OUT#the words just won't come out idk#ok so i attended one of the most prestigious universities in the country re: my field of expertise and carefully improved in my craft#just to go into a creative field and be an unemployed fuckhead who won't even write#i mean I am ALSO an academic that is very much true as well. but you don't really earn money from that either now do you#especially not in humanities#anyway. i need to go wash some dishes#it'll be fine probably i just need to lock tf in#it sucks being the one in the relationship that has no job no money no prospects and is already a burden to their parents#like literally they're being very nasty about it and like i know they care about me and stuff but they are very much. not supportive#it doesn't mean they're openly hating on it tbh i think they've given up on trying to disagree with my life choices and atp they just judge#when i'm not there. but evidently i find out anyway because of course i do#tbh won't complain about the lack of open support though like it's cool you disapprove of my relationship and my work and my life overall#ok rant over i'm big now. i'm an adult#ACTUALLY should i write a paper on disco elysium maybe that'd cheer me up. DON'T ask me how de is cheerful it isn't#my brain just works in mysterious ways#also gonna write an essay on my relationship with god. and get it published. probably gonna quote dostoievski a couple times as well. maybe#who give a fuck anymore man people these days can write ANYTHING. i love being alive in a world where printing is a thing. also computers#personal
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guess who's in 🎶troooouble🎶
New Boss does not appreciate my Vile Insubordination (giving an informed opinion in an email chain where she said some factually incorrect things and got called out on it - I said hey yep you're right that what she said isn't true but here's why it's still important to listen to our team)
and now we have to have a Quick Chattette about my Behaviour and Unsatisfactory Response (didn't apologise for being correct)
#red said#fuckin had it tbh#trying to become calm and balanced bc it will not be helpful for me to go in with this fuck you attitude#but. you know. fuuuuuuck you.#i have been doing this job for 2 years with huge success i do not need someone to redesign and micromanage everything i do#you can simply. do your job and let me do mine#instead of undercutting a huge chunk of work we've already done bc you don't know what you're talking about yet#the situation is she emailed without talking to either of us saying an obviously untrue thing which we could easily have corrected her on#the person she emailed came back like hey#that's not true though?#so i popped in like sorry i know this isn't a conversation I've been closely involved it but you're right and that's actually a whole thing#yeah the thing she said doesn't exist does in fact exist but we've been trying to phase out of for years and what's left is legacy stuff#and that's part of why we're unsure about making room for more of it to happen#felt reasonable. i was in the thread to begin with bc my opinion was being asked#so she was like oh why did you do that we probably should have talked about it first as a team#and I'm like YEAH WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE but given that you DIDN'T and have inaccurate info then dropped offline#i assumed we weren't doing Team Responses#and she's NOT HAPPY with how i replied. i phrased it more politely than that but not by much#but you know what man? seems like a you problem.#sorry I'm a Quaker respect for authority is against my religion
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#my posts#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#is that enough i think that's enough#yeah that's how its going#everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but#i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass#i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that#everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right.#just. i hate it here#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.#i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that#'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late-#-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like#it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet#everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably#i am annoying that one is true#.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's.#... there's a little too much going on lmao#nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired#... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired#and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse#I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao#also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao#i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will#also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just.#that everything is kinda very bad#.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯\_(ツ)_/¯#... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is#... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.
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#i hate when there's something you can't even complain or vent about really#bc the response is just going to be either concern or 'no that's not true!!' or 'youre being an asshole about this'#anyway that's why i'm hiding in the tumblr tags#yeah i know it's not true. doesn't stop my brain from making me feel like everyone wants me dead whenever i'm told#no about something that's important to me. which yeah makes me an asshole probably. this is rsd isn't it. sighs.#my brain: if no one is willing to help me with something i'm having trouble with then i must not be very important huh!#which yeah. sure not true but i get where it's coming from.#other people are also people tho. who have reasons for their actions. which kinda sucks for me rn tbh.#the world should revolve around me and everyone should do everything they can to help me with my problems actually#i guess part of what makes it painful is like. if it was the other way around where i was the one being asked to help#i would absolutely drop everything to do so. so yeah it makes me feel a bit unimportant i think that's fair? actually?#i mean it's not i know that but. idk. i'm not sure how to word anything else.
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At this point all I need to be truly happy these days is the SpyxFamily manga.
#spy x family#TBH it isn't exactly true but LOOK it's not a lie either. This spy fam is EVERYTHING to me#Also i have to thank Lou for that because i didnt even know of its existence before she mentioned it#my post i guess
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When you were too passionate in the tags (and hit tag limit) that Tumblr starts breaking around you
#ernest talks#continuing where i was#i have so little time recreationally and everyone around me is busier and I've gotten more anxious and nervous over the years#and that goes for everyone else i talk to or want to talk to#and i try creating these community events like hangouts or celebrations or anything to get people coming in#or try to host stuff and we're mostly busy#I'm super super grateful when we have those hangouts work!!! I'm always so happy when people can join or make time for them#i kinda just... mourn that this too will go away and people will dissipate and the fandom goes inactive again#so i really cherish the time we make to ask each other about our day when it comes to mind#<- pointing to me saying this because I've gotten more edged in recent years and stop talking to others so i can reflect#feel like I've been too salty on fandom lately (lately like the last two years)#i also have tons of posts about like the LL fandom not being dead and I'd like that to be true#but ahhhh busy busy busyyyyyyy#I'm also generally favorable to communicating on discord instead of tumblr#which not everyone uses casually#so that's also a huge factor#asks are fun but tbh i don't get a lot of conversations continued that way#it ends up a one and done thing#either there's significant pressure in the reply to make it good that isn't usual in other text form convos#or some other reason i don't know of#conversations end quicker on tumblr so i end up relying on discord convos more
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i've seen the theory that fyodor's essentially going to "possess" sigma so to speak in varying different places now and i am so scared. and kind of excited.
#ooc#like seeing multiple people independently reaching the same conclusion makes it feel much more likely to be true to me...#part of me would prefer if it doesn't happen and fyodor keeps his own body#but part of me thinks it would be the coolest thing ever. like as long as sigma is still in there somewhere and isn't properly gone.#i'll be delighted either way as long as sigma gets his moment to shine tbh#finally overcoming his manipulation at the hands of others (particularly fyodor) and being vital to the ada's success...#i know we're gonna get it at some point and i just have to be patient but. aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA#though i do hope sigma and fyodor have separate bodies by the end of the series if this theory is true because how else will i ship them??#ajfdsfdjkgfd#just gib sigma more screen time & fyodor too pls........ both as their own people ideally but the lines becoming blurred could be super fun#too!!#( also if fyodors want to plot with me i am SO down btw. hint hint. )
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#highly controversial opinion#kind of#if you take the general meaning of it then its not really controversial xd but hear me out#every time i hear people saying rich people can't have mental health issues because 'they're billionaires' nd they can afford treatment#i roll my eyes super hard because yess. its true#but at the end of the day sometimes mental illnesses consume you so much you just don't seek for help#not speaking from experience but there are people who either refuse to acknowledge they need help or they just don't seek for it#regardless if they have money or not#because money and your wellbeing and everything around you suddenly becomes less important bc again you're consumed into your state!#and sure being financially secure can definitely ease up many many concerns#but whenever i hear people saying the blonde devil can't be s-cidal because she's rich i go 🙃🙃🙃#unfortunately yess you can. it sucks but conditions like that don't really discriminate from classes#and yess money can definitely ease up the load but still#i think if people want to come after the blonde devil for making a ''''''s-cidal''''' album (tbh I'm not informed to know if that's legit)#then they should call her out for choosing that prompt as a concept for an album#because THAT is what's messed up#but don't say 'people with money can't have mental health issues' bc that's simply not true#they just have an easier way to handle it. that's all#also I'm not a doctor but no. the blonde devil isn't s-cidal and i cannot believe their fans are pushing that narrative 💀#will delete this later
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Why is it so hard to date women??? I am one too. This shouldn't be so hard. And yet it really is.
I can get a man without even wanting to or meaning to (it happened unintentionally every time that way when I still dated men now I realized looking back on it). I could do that again but I never really enjoyed it before so I doubt I would like it any better now.
You're supposed to actually enjoy dating, right?
It's not supposed to be like pulling teeth, RIGHT??? :')
(I am trying to stay positive but WOW, this sucks OMG!)
#It's obvious that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing still#I think I am looking in the literal WORST places#the new app I tried for friends/dating isn't specifically gay but it has way too many men on it literally it's mostly men somehow#I'm sorry boys but I'm not interested#But I feel like I can't talk to girls on there because I don't want them to think I'm some creep :/ :/ :/#my profile says bisexual currently but I'm not sure that's accurate#I IDed as bi for half my life but I'm still not sure if that's true#I'm thinking of quitting that app too#I got cat fished on the last gay app I tried and it happened multiple times which was frustrating!!! :/#maybe this is all BAD Karma coming back to bite me#maybe I should reactivate my account on her any way and get catfished some more *shrug* maybe it's what I deserve#tbh I'm jealous of how easily other people seem to find each other I'll admit that#I've been watching too much of the Catfish TV show lately too which does not help either :(#I'm pissed at myself for wasting college now- I was even part of the LGBT student club at both my schools ughh#and though I liked some of the other girls in the clubs I never did anything because most of them were taken already (of course)#I have this weird feeling that I missed the train for someone on here but maybe I'm imagining it??? 0-o#I couldn't be sure and do not want to be annoying about it in case I misread some signals a while ago...?#it's okay I'm not hot and still don't know if I'm gay or bi at my age (I'm really 30 but probably don't seem it)#you can do way better than me girl is what I'm saying basically#dating apps are just...terrible? awful? the worst?#a free unhinged(?) rant for all my single friends :)#if you know you definitely know#though I hope you don't because... yikes I'm sorry if you know#any body got any other app ideas??? I tried lex taimi and her already and I won't do tindr because that's too superficial/all about hook up#wlw dating#I've known I've liked women since I was 16 but never tried dating them until now so sorry if this is obvious or you've heard it before
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❝ NSFW ALPHABET ❞
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MASTERLIST!
pairing . . . jacaerys velaryon x reader
◦∘。゚. warnings . . . MINORS DNI! lewd language, smut (breeding kink, creampie (?), lactation kink, overstimulation, oral (fem receiving), worshipping).
◦∘。゚. summary . . . jacaerys' behaviour in the bedroom.
◦∘。゚. note . . . i am so so so happy to be writing for hotd again, i’m enjoying season 2 so much and i can’t wait for it to be sunday tbh. i haven’t written smut in YEARS (literally) so if this is bad it’s because i am quite rusty😔 requests are open (for aemond & jacaerys)!
[ word count: 2,2k ]
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A — AFTERCARE . . . what they're like after sex!
Jacaerys was raised to be a proper prince, and with that, he learned how to respect women. He’s so gentle, drawing a bath himself and making sure you feel at comfort. Anything you need he will make sure you have. When you’re both back in bed, he cuddles you and falls asleep whispering sweet nothings.
B — BODY PART . . . their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner's!
THEIRS . . . He loves his hands, mostly because you love them. Loves to use them to hold you incredibly close, to cup your cheeks when he leans in for a kiss, or just loves them when you take his hand and proudly walk alongside him, hand in hand.
YOURS . . . He loves your tummy. Loves peppering kisses on it, resting his head and falling asleep soundly while you run your hands through his hair. If you ever get pregnant it will be a hassle to get him off you and your tummy.
C — CUM . . . anything to do with cum, basically!
Even if he didn’t have a duty to get you pregnant, he would still be cumming inside you. It’s quite the primal urge he has to make sure everyone knows you’re his. It doesn't matter what you're doing, he will not cum anywhere else but inside you. If he sees his cum dripping out of you, he will push it back into you either with his fingers or simply with his cock.
D — DIRTY SECRET . . . pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs!
Jacaerys is quite comfortable in being the giver of the relationship, but sometimes he fantasies about you taking over in the bedroom. To be the one crying from overstimulation, to have you take care of him.
E — EXPERIENCE . . . how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?
He was one of the few men to save themselves for marriage, though not because of purity but more so because he never felt the urge to go to a brothel and have his first sexual experience be with a whore. Despite this, he does know what he’s doing. He had a talk with Daemon one time many moons ago, and because of it he’s gained some knowledge. But he only learns the true meaning of pleasure with you.
F — FAVOURITE POSITION . . . this goes without saying!
Cowgirl. As previously stated, he loves the idea of you dominating him and while that isn't quite it, you on top makes him lose his mind. He also knows how much you enjoy the position, with him hitting you just right, as you once put it. With you controlling the pace and how much you take in, Jacaerys can perfectly take in the beautiful sight of your blissed-out face.
G — GOOFY . . . are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.
When he’s in the bedroom he’s quite focused on making sure you’re okay and feel good, so there is no time to be humorous. Still, things happen and a giggle or two slip out when he’s going at it too hard and bumps your head against the bed frame, or when you're both desperate and trip over your clothes. Jacaerys doesn't necessarily try to make your intimate moments funny, but he doesn't stop it if it happens.
H — HAIR . . . how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.
Before you he didn’t really care about grooming, but the days prior to your wedding night he decided to look his best. You have never asked him to groom himself, but he feels as though he has to. He knows how much you take care of yourself, why wouldn’t he do the same? As for the carpet matching the drapes they do. It’s a deep brown and slightly curly, just like the hair on his head.
I — INTIMACY . . . how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect.
Jacaerys is very romantic. He’s tender and sweet from beginning to the end, mostly because he’s madly in love with you, but also because he wants to take his time with you. He’s a big fan of eye contact, handholding, and kissing. Any opportunity he has where he can feel more connected to you, he will take it. Confessions of love and adoration are not rare, an “I love you” slipping from his lips when he’s thrusting inside you, or the looks he gives you that make you feel what he’s feeling. You don’t have just sex, you make love.
J — JACK OFF . . . masturbation headcanon!
He doesn’t often masturbate, only in situations when he’s away from you and misses you dearly. Truly, he gets needy. Usually, he waits until he’s back home with you and releases all that pent up tension onto you. But sometimes, when he longs for you and can’t have you, he resorts to his hand. It doesn't measure up to what your touch feels like, at all, but it does the job to at least quell some of the fire burning up inside him.
K — KINK . . .one or more of their kinks!
As previously mentioned this man wants you pregnant so bad. His breeding kink is very obvious to you, from the way he whispers in your ear how much he wants to see you pregnant, to see his seed take and make you swell with his baby, you want it as much as him, and that just makes him more feral. The Velaryon Prince loves feeling needed, which is why edging is one of his favourite ways to make you crave him as much as he craves you. Your desperate pleas to come fall to deaf ears, as he enjoys your whining and writhing just as much as the sight of you orgasming.
L — LOCATION . . . favourite places to do the deed!
Always somewhere private. Jacaerys is not much of an exhibitionist, although he likes people knowing you’re his, he also doesn’t want anyone else to be able to see you in a compromising position. That sight is sacred, reserved only to him only. As for a specific place, he thoroughly enjoys having sex in your bed. Maybe it's because of how intimate it is or that he knows there’s no way you'll be uncomfortable, but that is his preferred place.
M — MOTIVATION . . . what turns them on, gets them going!
Anything that you do is enough. Sometimes he fears how much power you have over him, how he’s so enamoured and almost obsessed with you. He gets turned on pretty easily when he’s around you, it doesn't take more than you speaking at him in your sweet, honeyed voice for him to be hard.
N — NO . . . something they wouldn't do, turn offs!
Any type of experience where he has to share you with someone. No to threesome, no to exhibitionsim, and no to cuckolding. He also does not like seeing you get hurt, if he even suspects you’re not liking something he’ll stop until you’re comfortable.
O — ORAL . . . preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.
Jacaerys doesn’t dislike the feeling of your mouth on his cock, but he much prefers the feeling of his mouth on your pussy. He eats you out like it’s his last meal, holding your hips down and feasting on the taste of you. He loves overstimulating you until you’re trying to push his head away, the pleasure too much. Loves how you push him back towards your pussy, grabbing a handful of his hair to make him continue his ministrations when he separates himself from you to breathe some air. Sometimes you fear he will suffocate between your thighs, when he doesn't come back up for air in a while, and what a sweet death that’d be to him.
P — PACE . . . are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.
His pace is usually slow and sensual. He worships you, taking his time to appreciate all your sounds and the faces you make, forever burned in his memory. He loves showing you just how much he loves you, making you feel his adoration for you. Still, Jacaerys has moments where he can be rough, lost in the pleasure he frantically fucks into you. He rarely loses control, but when he does you’re both left a beautiful, sweaty mess.
Q — QUICKIE . . . their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.
Not the biggest fan of them. He likes to take his time, savouring those intimate moments so quickies are not something he would choose to partake in. If he’s really needy, he will consider the idea, but usually what starts as a quickie, ends in a long sexual endeavour.
R — RISK . . . are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.
He’s pretty open to any ideas you might have, as long as they don’t involve sharing or hurting you in any way. He doesn't mind taking risks, but he’s pretty comfortable with the things you already do and will not be the one to propose different ways to spice things up, he leaves that to you.
S — STAMINA . . . how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?
He can last a few, it all depends on what you're doing. Three rounds is the sweet spot for him. He eats you out, he fucks you and then fucks you once more to make sure his cum really takes. If you just want to make love, have one simple round where you’re both connected, then he’ll give it to you. But this man is insatiable, so it rarely ends in one round for him.
T — TOYS . . . do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?
Neither of you really need them, you both consider the other enough. If you ever wanted to introduce toys in the bedroom, then Jacaerys is open to the idea. Maybe one day you’ll experiment, but for now the Prince has plenty of skill that will make you forget about any toys.
U — UNFAIR . . . how much they like to tease!
He loves teasing you. He makes you yearn for his touch, adoring the pout you give him and how glassy your eyes get when teasing you. Jacaerys slicks himself along your entrance, bumping against your clit which in turn makes you squirm and whine, and he takes his time until you’re almost sobbing for him to insert himself in you. He’s the worst in public, grabbing you by your waist and telling you how badly he wishes to be in bed with you, only to leave you to go speak to some lord. He watches your agape mouth as you look at him, and all he does is smirk because he knows how wet you’ll be when he finally has you alone.
V — VOLUME . . . how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.
Jacaerys is incredibly vocal. He groans when he finally sheathes himself inside you, moaning when you’re on top of him bouncing up and down without mercy. He’s not shy in telling you how good you're making him feel. He wishes he could speak more to you, but he becomes an incoherent mess pretty quickly and all you can understand are the few mumbles of “Need you” or “So good”, lewdly whining when you clench around him. A drawn out “Fuck” leaves his lips when he comes, squeezing your hips and almost shaking in relief when he feels his spend painting your gummy walls.
W — WILD CARD . . . a random headcanon for the character!
Wants to fuck you while pregnant and see the milk from your tits dripping, to taste the sweet nectar your body produces. He dreams of how round your belly will be, and how ethereal you’ll look with the glow of motherhood.
X — X-RAY . . . let's see what's going on under those clothes!
He’s around 15 cm or 6 inches. He’s quite girthy, with a heavy ball sack. He has some prominent veins which you can feel when he’s thrusting in you, the ridges making you sigh in pleasure.
Y — YEARNING . . . how high is their sex drive?
Jacaerys has a high sex drive, better make the most of it while he’s young. He can control himself, he has great restraint because he knows the wait will just make it all the more sweeter. You can tell quite well when he’s yearning for you, sometimes all it takes is a good look at him and other times he’ll simply groan into your ear how badly he needs you. You guys have sex pretty much every day, with a few exceptions when you're sore or simply not in the mood.
Z — ZZZ . . . how quickly they fall asleep after sex!
When you fall asleep, he falls asleep. He has great stamina but sometimes when he tires the both of you out, he can’t help but fall asleep almost instantly after he spends his load inside you. Adores cuddling you, makes sleeping for him easier and rids him of any bad dreams. He holds you close, drifting off to the sound of your slow breathing and the heat of your body against his.
#*ੈ✩༄ my works !#jacaerys velaryon x reader#jacaerys velaryon#jacaerys velaryon x you#house of the dragon x reader#hotd x reader#jacaerys x reader#jacaerys x you#jacaerys velaryon smut#jacaerys velaryon imagine#jacaerys velaryon fanfic#jacaerys fic#jacaerys fluff#hotd#house of the dragon#hotd season 2#hotd s2#hotd x you#hotd smut#house of the dragon x you#house of the dragon smut
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tbh my opinion isnt so much that trans men cannot have male privilege. its that the way we understand male privilege is based in cis women, specifically otherwise privileged (esp. otherwise-gendered privilege, i.e gender-conforming/straight/perisex) cis women's understanding of gender as something static and inherent to who you are, rather than something fluid which is, in part, constructed by society and placed onto you separately in every moment.
can a trans man experience (cis) male privilege? yes. can a trans woman? yes. and so can a cis woman! hell, a femme perisex cis woman with a gender neutral name could if she's assumed to be a cis man on a resume. male privilege is not an on/off switch. the idea that it is stems from cissexist understandings of male/female as entirely separate and static categories which everyone can and must be understood through. trans people in feminism are expected to constantly defend and deflect accusations of being Privileged Male Oppressors by promising cis perisex women that our experiences are just like theirs! we don't have any scary opinions that don't align with their worldview! we swear we won't ever make them have to reflect on how being cis+perisex has biased them and potentially made their analysis of gender at all inaccurate! trans experiences are only considered valuable to cisfeminism to the extent that they reaffirm what cisfeminists already hold true. thats why they only ever want to talk about a very simplistic narrative around wages pre/post-transition. its extremely unthreatening to cis people because it presents transness in patriarchy as just going from one cis role to another; it doesn't ask cis feminists to expand their paradigm to include the ways in which trans people are treated as a class and their own complicity in transphobic oppression.
which is why trans men have been getting fucked over by trans-affirmng cisfeminism. because by virtue of having our gender acknowledged, we are expected to forfeit our place in the feminist movement and adopt the role of outsider along cis men*. and its also why trans women and MTX people get fucked over the minute they cannot or refuse to describe their experiences through the one or two approved narratives. cisfeminism cannot tolerate transness-as-transness. it has to be compressed and reduced and diluted into something that fits within a cis-centric framework. we aren't allowed to have nuanced and intersectional conversations about trans men & other trans folks relationship with male privilege, the things we have to sacrifice to there, how fleeting it can be, the fact that for some of us being read as "biologically male" is actively more dangerous than being read as female... if it isn't familiar to cis women, then it means you aren't really oppressed.
*cis men should not be outsiders in feminism either btw but thats another post
#did not mean for this post to get this long but c'est la vie#m.#transandrophobia#transmisandry#anti transmasculinity#transunity#theory
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Hm
#my posts#look yes i keep making at least one post like this a day and it will continue but its either letting it out or i have no idea#also in my defense y believe most of my mutuals arent up so it is peak time to post about feeling like shit#my plan isnt for someone to read these its for the bullshit to get out and try to not get to the point shit hits the fan#anyways man teen me would be so fucking disappointed by so many things the mere fact we are still alive would make them livid#and alive and living like this?#probably if they knew it was gonna be like this it would have happened lmao#they would just think we are a coward and a dumbass who can't do anything right tbh but they did know then too it's not knew#if it was new we wouldn't be here wouldn't we. why am i referring to is in plural it's just two dif timed mes#but yeah they are probably like 'hey of you are gonna keep living at least you could do it in a way no one regrets it' but alas we do#and we will keep regretting it bc our death won't be our choice. the deadline for it was extended until we were 20 and it's long closed#.... things are getting worse tho they put true but like. that isn't an option anymore lmao it sucks tbh#... i don't have anything else to say that isn't repeating it#i. do wish it was still an option idek why it isn't anymore it's some stupid arbitrary rule#i hate this. it's like. i really don't do a single thing that could make any version of me proud of myself#not teen me not child me not current me. none of us is okay with whatever the fuck i have going on and yet!#.man. I've spent all day tired and wanting to cry for nothing particular but also for literally everything so like#that would fix me. i don't know how to make it happen#... I'm gonna go to sleep#i need my phone to finish charging but that'll be over soon#so yeah I'll. go to sleep soon
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Love Is Not Black and White, It's Purple (Like Your Eyes) | JJK (oneshot)
Summary: You and Jungkook are not soulmates. The fact that you have been married for ten years but still see in black and white proves that.
It is never an issue for you two until…
"Jungkook, my eyes… they're purple."
Jungkook's heart stops.
You can see colors now. It only means one thing:
You have met your real soulmate, and it's not Jungkook.
Genre & Content Warning: soulmate au, housemate au, mention of murder, past child abuse, domestic violence, fluff, crack treated seriously, attempt at humor, marriage au, established relationship, kissing, blind!jimin, fashion designer!taehyung, alcohol, cursing, HAPPY ENDING. (tags are just for formalities, but tbh this fic isn't heavy at all)
Pairing: Detective!Jungkook x Fashion Designer! Female Reader
Word Count: 7.5k
****
Out of all the suicide methods in history, Jungkook thinks that if he were to try one, it would still not be as effective as listening to you talk.
"Jungkook, my eyes...they're purple."
Really. You don't need a plastic bag, a rope, or a pillow to suffocate Jungkook. With your harsh words, Jungkook could feel the air leaving his lungs.
He can't breathe. The terrible realization asphyxiates him: you--his best friend--his wife, can now see colors. For a moment, Jungkook doesn't know what to make out of the fact that he's now alone in this monochromatic world—a place where people see in black and white until they look into their soulmates' eyes.
Jungkook has looked and drowned in your calamitous eyes before, but he never saw hues.
"Jungkook...?"
Distantly, Jungkook hears you utter his name, but all he can grasp is you will abandon him. Jungkook is rarely wrong. He's a detective, after all. One word, and he can deduce the situation, making this whole ordeal more painful.
"That's..." Jungkook intends to hide his hurt, but he feels his voice getting choked up. He has no choice but to pause.
However, you are thrilled to hear what he has to say, so Jungkook forces himself to continue.
"...great. You, that's great. So great!" Perhaps repeating the same words can convince him that his statement is true. It's not. Jungkook's heart breaks when you beam at him.
Calm down. Jungkook tells himself. But he can't. Everything hurts. His heart, his soul, his words.
"So, tell me. Where's the divorce paper? Should I sign now?" Jungkook's words hurt like a knife. They cut your heart into pieces.
"What the fuck are you talking about." Your face falls. "Shitty Jungkook, are you kidding me right now!? I'm not leaving you for someone I just met!"
Now, something about your reaction takes Jungkook's breath away. Maybe it's the anger that quickly turns into panic as you take in Jungkook's words. Or perhaps it's the apparent trembling of your lips as you desperately speak of your promise of forever. Either way, your fear-inducing expression somehow reassures Jungkook.
You and him are not over. Not yet, at least.
"I'm just kidding~." Jungkook chuckles and clicks his tongue, "Of course, you're not leaving me. I'm the only one who can tolerate you, ya know?"
The joke doesn't lighten your expression at all.
"Jungkook, I'm not leaving you," you repeat. The assurance is softer this time, and despite the lack of color in your eyes, the detective can see determination in them.
Jungkook puffs out air. His heart aching a little less.
"I know, darling." Jungkook stops his jokes. He engulfs you in a warm embrace. "I'm sorry."
"Don't say that ever again." You wrap your arms around Jungkook's waist. "You're my best friend. I love you, alright?"
****
10 Years Ago; 2013
Unlike others, your relationship with Jungkook is reversed.
"Let's get married."
"The fuck?" You choke on your water the second Jungkook opens his mouth. "Are you high again, bastard!?"
You punch Jungkook mildly. The latter moves away, exaggeratedly cradling his jaw. "Ow! Why are you always so violent? Can't you hear me out first? I'm being serious here!"
"Serious?" You laugh incredulously. "You just asked me to get married!"
"Exactly!" Jungkook ignores the painful thug in his heart. "It's for our benefit. Didn't you say you want to live in PM Village?"
Apartments in PM Village are too damn expensive. You and Jungkook recently finished college; your individual income is not enough to cover the monthly amortization of a house, but it's different if your incomes are combined.
"You're crazy. We can't marry because of a fucking house, Jungkook!" You are still not convinced.
"Why not?" But Jungkook intends to change your mind. "We're both single, and divorce won't be difficult in the future. We can just tell the court we've found our real soulmates. Besides,"
The newbie detective drags his words, knowing that he'll be able to convince you in the end, anyway. "You're gonna be rich soon. You don't have any living family members anymore. Do you really wanna give away all your money to the government when you die?"
"Why? Is giving my money to you any better!?"
"I can at least maintain your wine cellar," Jungkook shrugs. "And just think about the tax benefits! Don’t you hate Hoseok-hyung for siphoning your money?”
You open your mouth to speak, but damn. Jungkook’s last statement has convinced you already. Nose flaring, you say, "Fine!"
It's like music to Jungkook's ears. "I need your full confirmation."
Jungkook really wants you to say it. You fold your arms across your chest, "Fine, Bastard! I agree with your absurd proposition. Let's get fucking married."
At the age of twenty-two, you and Jungkook tied the knot. Ten years later, most of Jungkook's predictions have come true: you two have settled in PM Village—a warm home with a wine cellar awaits you after a tiring day. You have also become so rich that you often have issues with Jung Hoseok, your country's tax agency commissioner. Thank fuck there are good lawyers out there to clear your tax cases.
You clearly have everything life can offer. If you want, you can divorce Jungkook now, but ten years later, you are still very much committed to your best friend.
*****
Present; 2023
You insist on telling Jungkook who your soulmate is. Admittedly, you can tell that Jungkook finds the whole storytelling unnecessary. You are married, but it's not as if you two are in love with each other or something. Nope. Jungkook only sees you as an annoying woman with whom he cohabitates.
"So, has Technology asked you on a date yet?" Jungkook asks without looking at you. He's busy filing his nails, acting as if shaping his nails into perfect ovals is more important than conversing with you.
"First of all, his name is Taehyung. Not Technology, you asshole. And no, he hasn't asked me out." You exhale. "I mean, not yet. It's not a big deal, honestly. We just met yesterday."
Translation: give my soulmate some time.
"Right." Jungkook mocks and yawns, finally glancing at you. "You know, if I meet my soulmate, I’ll immediately ask them out. I can’t waste time.”
"Oh, shut up." You roll your eyes. "We both know you just can't wait to sleep with them."
"He-He. You caught me~." Jungkook half-smiles before returning to the previous topic very smoothly, "So you're saying that if Techno—Taehyung asks you on a date, you'll say yes?"
"Will you mind if I do?" You sound nervous.
The sole purpose of this conversation is for you to test the waters with Jungkook. You both went on dates in the past after ensuring that the other was comfortable with the set-up. You are married, after all. It won't bode well with the both of you if cheating rumors erupt, especially in your respective workplaces.
Admittedly, it has been long since you two last went on dates. You were both busy with your jobs. Besides, isn't it exhausting getting to know strangers? Jungkook doesn't want to waste his breath on nosy people asking why he chose to be a detective, and you would rather ditch your date than deal with them bargaining for discounts once they find out you’re a prominent fashion designer.
Going out with strangers has become a nightmare instead of a fun way to meet your real soulmate. Because of this, you and Jungkook decided to just take each other out whenever you wanted. It's not exactly a romantic date. Sure, there's darling as a pet name, kisses under the moonlight, and wrestling who'll pay. But that's about it. You don't dare to do more.
Your partnership is of greater importance than sex and in-the-moment confessions. You don't want to regret it comes morning.
"Why would I mind?" Jungkook finally answers, feigning happiness. "I'll personally thank your soulmate for taking you out, honestly. I'm tired of you forcing me to take you out on dates. It's about time I meet new people, too."
"Right." You swallow your disappointment and the faint ache in your chest. "Who wants to go out with a shitty bastard like you, anyway? Go meet others! It's not like I care!"
Another fake smile blooms on Jungkook's face.
"Whatever you say."
*****
Kim Taehyung is the name of your soulmate, and the man Jungwon has been investigating for the past three days.
"Jungkook sunbaenim, here's all the information I can find about Kim Taehyung." Jungwon stifles a yawn as he approaches his mentor's table. He almost winces upon seeing Jungkook's monitor.
The older detective has many tabs on his computer, all related to Kim Taehyung.
"You're still investigating him?" Jungwon can't mask his surprise. "Jungkook sunbaenim, just what did Kim Taehyung do!?"
"He's a thief, Jungwon-ah." Jungkook accepts the files from his mentee without sparing him a glance
Jungwon dramatically gasps, his sleepiness fading away because of the scandalous information.
"Really? What did he steal?"
"A precious little thing." Jungkook is viewing Kim Taehyung's baby photos. No one knows how he found them. "Look, he's not that cute, right?"
Jungwon doesn't answer, lost in thought. What could Kim Taehyung have stolen? His Jungkook sunbaenim said a precious little thing. Could it be a diamond ring? Or...
"Tanzanite?" Jungwon shrieks. "Did he steal tanzanite, Jungkook sunbaenim!?"
"Huh?" Jungkook turns to his mentee with a furrowed brow. He suddenly remembers what he said to Jungwon, and being a good actor whose words consist of 10% truth and 90% lies, Jungkook can save himself by saying, "Yeah. He stole tanzanite —authorities said it was very expensive. Come, Jungwon-ah. Let's catch this thief."
****
You aren't lying when you say you won't divorce Jungkook because you 'met' your soulmate. No, your partnership is beyond colors. However, it also doesn't mean you’ll relinquish your connection with your soulmate.
The deal is this: You and Jungkook will stay together until you know your soulmates better. After that, you two can decide what to do next. In short, a simple meeting doesn't guarantee you would want to spend your entire life with your soulmates. You both have heard many stories before that not even real soulmates find romantic love with each other—some remain platonic soulmates, while others go as far as killing each other.
You and Taehyung's case seems to fall to the normal expectation of society: meet as strangers, get to know each other until you become friends, then fall in love and get married.
Unlike Jungkook pulling you in a reverse direction, Taehyung intends to drive you on the right path.
"Jungkook sunbaenim, aren't we breaking the protocol?" Jungwon covers his face with a newspaper, whispering softly in case the suspect hears him. They are currently inside a small coffee shop near Aurora Fashion Lane. Based on Jungwon's investigation, Kim Taehyung works as a designer for the company in the same building as this coffee shop. In fact, Taehyung is slowly becoming a regular customer here.
"Shouldn't we call for backup?"
Jungkook ignores the younger detective. He squints his eyes hard, focusing on the table near the counter. Jungwon discreetly looks in the direction Jungkook has his eyes on. A woman with a similar haircut as yours is sitting there.
"Jungkook sunbaenim, isn't that your wife—"
"Ssshh, Jungwon-ah. Shut up for a moment. I can't hear them." Jungkook regrets not choosing a table near you and your date. Damn it. You probably won't realize he's here—not when your attention is focused on stupid Technology!
"Stay here. I'll be back." The older detective stands up abruptly. Right. If he pretends to look at the menu before ordering something, he can hear whatever you and Taehyung are talking about:
"Exactly. They should've added another layer of lace. It pairs well with jacquard." Jungkook hears you say.
What the heck are they talking about?��The detective muses.
"Ah, unfortunately, the customer hates laces. Apparently, her father made her wear laces that itch." Taehyung responds.
"Poor Elise. I understand why she prefers satin dresses."
Are they talking about work? Jungkook thinks to himself again. He only snaps back to reality when the cashier smiles, asking if he's ready to order.
Jungkook orders drinks for him and Jungwon before moving closer to the soulmates' table. You and Taehyung have stopped talking, though. Confused, Jungkook tilts his head to check what's happening, but someone seizes his wrist.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Jungkook hears a classic greeting, yet he still freezes. Only one person gets angry seeing him.
"Oh, hi, you~. I didn't see you there." The detective beams while prying his hand away from your iron-like grip. "What a coincidence!"
"Coincidence, my ass!" You grit your teeth, "Tell me the truth. Why are you here?"
Jungkook tongues the inside of his cheek, thinking of a way to translate, 'You were smiling through your phone yesterday while texting your stupid soulmate. I didn't want to invade your privacy, so I hacked his messages instead,' into something that won't ignite your anger.
In the end, Jungkook manages to simply say, "Why? Can't a detective have his coffee?"
"Jungkook." you utter sternly, "This coffee shop is an hour and a half from your workplace. You also don't drink coffee."
As if on cue, the barista says Jungkook's drinks are ready. The detective picks up his drink and sips it. "What was that? I can't hear you over my delicious caramel macchiato with whipped cream and seven pumps of caramel sauce, topped with small marshmallows, chocolate chips, and sprinkles!"
"For fuck's sake!" You let out a torrent of abuse, your face morphing into disgust. Seeing color intensifies your emotions. The colorful toppings in Jungkook's drink make you want to vomit. "Get your ass out of here, you tasteless bastard!"
Jungkook doesn't budge. He shoots you an innocent look, "Why are you shooing me away? Am I disturbing you and your date? Where is he, by the way?"
Taehyung went to the comfort room, but this was not the point. You hiss, "I'm not on a date. Taehyung and I are discussing work over coffee. How the heck did you even know we're here?"
Another question Jungkook doesn't have a ready answer. Fortunately for him, Taehyung is back. Your furious expression melts at once. Your fake personality makes Jungkook gag.
"Hey, should we head back?" Taehyung's voice is deep. This is the first thing Jungkook notices.
"Yeah, let's go." You smile at your soulmate.
Another thing Jungkook notices is how handsy Taehyung is. He touches the small of your back, leading you to the exit. Jungkook's expression darkens, and Jungwon, watching the whole exchange like a hawk, suddenly decides to act.
"Stop, you thief! Leave my mentor's wife alone!" Jungwon has the handcuffs ready. He's rushing in Taehyung's direction. Jungkook's eyes widen, only relying on his fast reflexes to stop his mentee.
He trips Jungwon, causing the younger detective to fall to the ground.
"Jungkook, you bastard--!!"
All hell breaks loose after that scream coming out of you.
****
'Disaster' is the only word to describe Jungkook's attempt to stalk his wife. He didn't plan for things to escalate to the level where he had to trip Jungwon to stop him from arresting an innocent citizen like Taehyung. You got so mad that the older detective had to apologize, making an excuse that they were detectives on a mission gone wrong. Jungkook remembers smiling apologetically at Taehyung, telling him to cut Jungwon some slack because he is a newbie detective.
You knew everything leaving Jungkook's mouth was bullshit, yet you played along with Jungkook's excuse. You clearly don’t want the issue to escalate further. Thankfully, Taehyung is an understanding man, telling Jungwon to be careful next time. You aren't as forgiving as your soulmate, though. You called Jungkook over the phone, yelling you'd kill him if he went home tonight.
Jungkook has no choice but to seek shelter at Namjoon’s house.
"Let me guess," Namjoon sighs upon seeing Jungkook at his doorstep. "You've angered your wife again, didn't you?"
"Namjoon-hyung! That's a mean guess. Can't I visit my friend?"
Namjoon remains expressionless. "You only go here whenever you and your wife fight. Your wife will think I betrayed her if I let you in."
Jungkook hmphed. "My wife already has beef with your soulmate and, by extension, with you too. So just let me in, will you?"
Namjoon releases a breath when Jungkook pushes the door open and rushes in. He is right, anyway. You have beef with his soulmate. Namjoon always receives texts from you complaining about Hoseok and how ruthless he is as a government employee.
"Would you like something to drink—" Namjoon cuts himself off upon seeing Jungkook helping himself with a bottle of soju.
The detective takes large gulps. He finishes half of the bottle in less than two minutes. Jungkook hiccups and clumsily wipes his mouth, "My wife found her soulmate. She can see colors now."
Namjoon stops in his tracks.
Jungkook laughs, mocking himself. "His eyes are purple, hyung."
"Jungkook..." Namjoon sounds apologetic.
"What's with your expression?" Jungkook’s lips twist. "You look sorry. Don't be. I'm—"
Happy for her? Jungkook shakes his head. It seems like that's not the case. Namjoon thinks so, too. He sits in front of the detective.
"You're what, Jungkook-ah?" The older man opens a beer bottle for himself, "What do you feel for your wife? What does she make you feel?"
Silence creeps into the room.
Jungkook's shoulders drop. Memories from the past play in his head as he closes his eyes.
Twenty-one years ago, 2002:
11-year-old Jungkook is freezing cold.
He is out in the snow, trying to take a sneak peek at children his age playing on the school grounds. Unlike him, the students are covered with expensive coats, mittens, and a hat. Jungkook's mother is a janitress at a private elementary school in Busan. Sadly, she can't afford to send her son to this school, so Jungkook can only watch the other kids in envy.
The children here have winter camps and activities to support their growth. Today, Jungkook watches as the students make mittens. Some children give the handmade gloves to their family, friends, or teachers.
Only one girl saves her mittens for a lone stranger.
"Here," Jungkook is taken aback when a girl his age suddenly approaches him. She’s shorter than Jungkook, but her determined eyes make people think she has much to offer.
"I said here!" Jungkook remains unmoving, so the girl pushes the mittens to his chest. "I can't see it yet, but my mum said the gloves are gray like my eyes! I made them myself."
The little girl looks proud; a huge grin is on her lips.
Jungkook blinks dumbly at her, "Why...." He takes in a deep breath, clutching the warm gloves to his chest. "Why are you giving me these gloves?"
The little girl looks confused; she even lets out a small huh. Jungkook thinks the girl didn't hear him, so he repeats his words.
You are that little girl. You shrug your shoulders. "Because I want to. You look cold. I don't want to see you cold."
"But," Jungkook's lips tremble. He is having a hard time accepting the gift. "I have nothing to trade you with."
"Who cares?" You sit beside him. "I don't want anything. I just want to be friends."
Present; 2023:
Until now, Jungkook has no idea why you wish to be friends with someone like him. Clearly, you were a world apart. It was winter then. Maybe it was a Winter miracle—if this is even a thing.
But Jungkook is sure of one thing:
"She makes me feel warm, Namjoon-hyung." The detective finally answers his friend's question earlier. "My wife makes me warm, loved, and hopeful."
****
You receive a text message from Namjoon asking you to pick up a hammered Jungkook.
"Hey, you're leaving already?" Taehyung sees you leaving the office.
You rub the back of your neck and smile softly at Taehyung, "Yes. I have to pick up my husband."
"Ah." Taehyung nods, "Jungkook, isn't it? The detective from earlier?"
"Mn. I'm really sorry about what happened."
"It's nothing," Taehyung assures. It will probably take him a long time to forget his encounter with those two strange detectives, but it's not so bad. They apologized and said it was an honest mistake. He motions toward the door, "You brought your car, right? Let’s go down together.”
“You’re going home too?”
“Not yet.” Taehyung opens the office door for his soulmate. “Just gonna get coffee.”
Taehyung’s obsession with caffeine doesn’t go unnoticed by you. Taehyung joined your team only this week but has probably gone to the coffee shop downstairs more than your team did.
You brush it off. It’s none of your business. What matters to you is what Jungkook drinks. After bidding Taehyung goodbye, you immediately rush to Namjoon’s house. He is absolutely right. Jungkook is wasted.
"Why did you let this asshole drink so much!?" You bare your teeth at Namjoon. "You know how he is, Namjoon! Did he even eat before chugging down soju? Soju! You made him drink soju!? Namjoon, you golden-eyed clumsy bastard! Your eye color looks like horse piss!"
You are getting creative with your insults now that you can see colors. Namjoon shakes his head. He likes you better when you still see in black and white; at least then, you don’t go around terrorizing people and their eye color.
"I'm sorry. He forced himself into my home." Namjoon throws Jungkook under the bus. He'd rather get a playfully upset Jungkook than a screaming girl like you.
You know better than to put all the blame on Namjoon, though. You know Jungkook drank himself stupid because he can't handle it when you are genuinely mad at him.
You swallow your fury, "You know what? Just…have a good night, Namjoon-oppa. I'm sorry for shouting and the trouble. I'll make it up to you some other time."
You drag Jungkook to your car.
The detective is no fun when drunk. He just passes out. You can't even get blackmail material out of this hell.
"Fucking finally." You cover your husband with a blanket after cleaning him up and changing his clothes into new ones.
"Bastard." You sneer but still end up softly kissing Jungkook's forehead.
Ah. The things you do for love.
****
Jungkook wakes up with a stomachache and a sweaty forehead. He dramatically whines, cradling his stomach like he has been shot there.
Thankfully, you show up at once. You are carrying a tray with a full meal.
"My stomach hurts." He complains, earning an eye roll from you.
"Of course it does. You fucking drank alcohol on an empty stomach. You also had that stupid drink at the coffee shop. Just what the hell are you thinking?"
You sit on the bed. You first brush your husband's fringe with your fingers, then cup his cheeks and casually wipe the side of his mouth.
"Here, eat something."
Jungkook doesn't need to tell you to feed him. You bring a spoonful of food to his mouth, gently urging him to eat.
The detective moans. Your food tastes like heaven, even better than those Michelin restaurants. "My wife is such a great cook. Thank you~~"
"Whatever. Just don't moan, bastard." You can feel your cheeks turning hot. You easily get flustered with compliments.
Jungkook suddenly wonders if Taehyung has said something to make you blush, too.
"Oi, Jungkook. Don't tell me you don't have an appetite anymore. You barely ate!"
It's not like the detective doesn't want to eat anymore. His mood only plummets when he thinks about your soulmate.
Jungkook utters your name softly and asks, "Are you happy?"
"What kind of question is that?" You scrunch your nose, but you still answer. "Of course I'm happy." I have you in my life.
"No. I mean, are you happy you can see colors now?"
"I'm happier." You are surprised at how quickly you answered. Maybe because it's never hard for you to tell the truth. But still...you don't want to sound insensitive. You know your husband has yet to see colors.
You try again, "I mean...seeing colors makes my job easier, and I’m not just saying this because I'm getting promoted soon." People in their world have a greater chance of success once they see colors.
"I guess I appreciate my job even more. It makes me feel alive, if you will. Things seem "livelier..."
You look into Jungkook's brown eyes. You can see them sparkling. For the first time in twenty-plus years you have known Jungkook, this is the only time you have seen how pink his lips are.
You can feel your heart thumping.
Looking at Jungkook with colors makes you feel "More." You whisper, "I feel things more with colors, Jungkook."
More love.
More joy.
And more clarity about what you really feel about your best friend.
"That's good, then." Jungkook rests his head on your shoulders. "I'm glad you're happy."
He really is. If he can go back to last night, Jungkook won't hesitate to tell Namjoon that, even though it hurts him, he's glad you met the one fated to you.
*****
Months pass, and things get even better for you. You got promoted twice and now handle one of your company's major customers. Your wallet gets fatter—so shouting at Namjoon to tell Hoseok to calm down doesn’t work anymore. Your free time is almost non-existent, though. It makes Jungkook sigh.
“Hey, Jungkook. You’re free to go.” Jungkook’s mood soars when his partner at work approaches him.
“Seokjin-hyung!” Jungkook’s jaw drops to the floor. “Did I hear you right? Are you seriously allowing me to get off work an hour earlier!?”
Seokjin is a hardworking detective who does not joke around since he knows his job affects the public's general welfare. Still, he also knows that you and Jungkook are celebrating your anniversary as a married couple for ten years.
“Just go, Jungkook-ah.” Seokjin pushes him. “Just leave before I change my mind. And for heaven’s sake, get your wife anything but flowers. No one wants to see you sneezing all day. Keep your snots away--!!”
Jungkook walks faster, not wanting to hear his work partner complain. So what if he sneezes all day? So what if he’s allergic to flowers? You love flowers, so he’ll get you bouquets.
Humming, Jungkook makes his way to the flower shop. The snowflakes fall lightly. It’s winter. Jungkook met you in the winter of 2002. You also got married in winter, the year 2013. Other people don’t like this season, especially Hoseok, who watched Namjoon suffer a fall accident because of slippery ground three years ago. Thank goodness Namjoon is okay now.
Jungkook buys flowers and your favorite wine. He’s almost home when a ghost from the past blocks his way.
“Oh, if it isn’t the beloved scoundrel of my bitch of a soulmate.”
Jungkook stiffens, eyes turning dark as he takes in the lone figure of his father.
“Jeon Sungmin.” Jungkook’s tone is scathing.
“The one and only.” Sungmin juts his chin. “Did you miss me, son?”
“Don’t call me that.” Jungkook clenches his fist. Unadulterated anger fills his heart. He’s trying hard not to punch this pathetic man. “In case you forgot, I still have a restraining order against you. I can even arrest you myself.”
Sungmin lets out a sardonic laugh. It’s loud—the kind of laughter that makes Jungkook’s skin itch. He can’t see colors but could’ve sworn he sees blood. Maybe he just wants to claim blood.
“Don’t act so tough on me, boy. In case you forgot, you just stood like a dumb bastard when I killed your bitch of a mom.”
“Stop.” Jungkook chokes, feeling a lump forming in his throat. He can’t breathe. Memories have come to haunt him.
“Scared, aren’t we?” Sungmin drags his limping feet to Jungkook. Twenty years in prison broke his body but not his soul. Even with only his tattered clothes and one functioning eye, Sungmin can still bring terror to his son.
“You should be. You’re nothing but a pathetic scourge.” Sungmin pulls Jungkook’s collar, slamming him into a cold wall. “Now be of use and give me money.”
Jungkook doesn’t move. His eyes droop, wanting to puke as he feels his father stealing his wallet. He hears screams inside his head, the pleas of his mother. Jungkook-ah, run. Please. You have to save yourself.
Jungkook remains rooted in his spot back then, just hollowly looking at the blood on the floor. He watched as Sungmin smashed the baseball bat into his mother’s head.
More screams. Sungmin didn’t stop the beating until the police officers came.
Twenty years later, Jungkook is still the same. He still can’t stand up for himself. He watches his father take his wine and wallet, leaving like nothing happened.
Jungkook doesn’t know how he manages to walk back home. He stays outside, ruined flowers in his lap. He cannot get in as his keys are inside his stolen wallet.
Jungkook could only wait for a purple-eyed girl whose eyes he thought were gray.
****
Like Jungkook, you get off work early as well. Your secretary runs after you, saying that you can’t leave yet. However, you dismissed the secretary and passed the work on to Yeonjun instead. You hate that you are not home yet. You are actually supposed to take the day off to plan your anniversary date with your husband better.
It’s your 10th anniversary, after all. You are thinking of cooking Jungkook’s favorite food and giving him a…body massage. Many things are running into your mind—you can’t wait to try them all with your husband. Too bad work is holding you back.
“Sunbaenim, what do you think about this color combination? Is the shade of blue too dark for this winter’s theme?” Yeji excitedly shows off her design.
You rub your neck roughly, stopping yourself from throwing profanities. Calm down. Yeji is a hardworking designer who only wants the best for the team.
“I’m thinking of using an aqua frost instead. One shoulder sleeve should do the trick if—”
Oh my God. ‘Someone, please kill me now.’ You scream internally.
“Yeji,” you press your lips into a thin line. “I actually can’t entertain you right now. Would you mind checking in with Taehyung instead?”
Yeji’s shoulders drop. “Ah, Taehyung-sunbaenim isn’t here at the moment.”
“What do you mean he’s not here?” You feel your head pulsating. “Where is he?”
Everyone is so busy. Taehyung can’t possibly skip work, right?
“He’s at the coffee shop downstairs.”
That son of a--!!
You stand up abruptly. Taehyung’s coffee break ended an hour ago! How can he still be at the coffee shop!? You are seething in anger. You know Taehyung is your soulmate, but you can’t just connect to him. The first few months are okay. However, you soon realize how incompatible you and Taehyung are. Your connection starts with colors, and it also ends there. Nothing more, nothing less.
“I’m going to call him.” You exit, ignoring Yeji’s call. Honestly, what you said is half lie and half-truth. You just really, really want to leave the office. It’s a pure happenstance to bump into Taehyung in the elevator.
“Hey.” He calls your name. Remnants of joy are still visible on Taehyung’s face. Two coffee holders are in his hands—he got the whole team some drinks. “I got coffee. Where’re you going?”
“Home.” You press the elevator button. “It’s my husband and I’s anniversary.”
“Ah.” Taehyung nods in understanding. He never once shows any sign of disappointment over his soulmate spending time with another person. “Didn’t you say Detective Jeon likes eating sweets? Jimin-hyung baked a chocolate cake today. Will you accept it as my anniversary gift for you two?”
You pause. It’s like your brain short-circuits upon noticing Taehyung’s expression when he utters Jimin’s name.
Jimin—the barista and baker at the coffee shop where Taehyung frequents.
“Taehyung,” your heart stutters. “D-Do you remember your first day in the office?”
“Of course.” Taehyung offers a small smile. “It’s hard to forget that day, don’t you think? We both saw colors for the first time.”
You blink at him, not saying anything.
Taehyung avoids eye contact, thinking he’s not smart enough to understand what you implied. He tries to remember every detail of that day.
“I think I came to the office ten minutes earlier. I got everyone coffee. Come to think of it, Jimin-hyung actually saved me that day. He knows everyone’s order—Hey, are you alright?”
“You…” You gasp. “You met with Jimin before seeing me at the office, right?”
“Yes?” Taehyung’s hands are getting clammy for grasping the coffee holders. It doesn’t help that you are acting weird, making him more anxious.
“Taehyung, I think there’s been a glitch.”
Yeji goes after you a few minutes later. Both of you and Jimin are taking too long. Luckily, she instantly spots you at the elevator door. You look agitated, while Taehyung seems dumbfounded.
“Sunbaenim!” Yeji tries to stop you two, but you and Taehyung have already gotten inside the lift.
“Yeji, there you are.” Taehyung passes the coffee holders to Yeji. “Drink this with the others. We’ll be taking another break. See you later.”
“Wait—!!”
The elevator door closes.
Yeji whines, “I still have to show you my designs….”
****
You rush home, excited to see your husband. However, your excitement quickly turns into horror when you spot Jungkook sitting on your porch.
“Jungkook!?” Your eyes dilate. Jungkook is staring into nothingness. You are familiar with this kind of expression, the kind where you are forced to swallow your insults because you know.
You know something terrible happened to your husband.
You quickly open the door and pull Jungkook to his feet. The detective is still unresponsive, letting you drag him into the bathroom. You did all the work; you immediately opened the heater and got warm clothes.
“Kook,” you call softly, cradling Jungkook’s hands to blow on them. “ Can you lift your arms for me? Let’s get you changed, alright?”
Jungkook doesn’t answer but does what he’s told. You are shaking as you help your husband change. You want to give the detective warm water and candies, but Jungkook still looks shaken. You can only gently drag him to bed. You lay down beside Jungkook, hugging him close to your chest.
You didn’t ask any questions, allowing Jungkook to breathe first.
“I--” Jungkook hiccups, sounding broken. He weakly grips the hem of your shirt.
“I’m here, Darling.” You kiss your husband’s forehead. You hug him even tighter, wishing to melt your body and bones and offer all your warmth and love to Jungkook.
Jungkook calls your name, his voice almost sounding like a wounded animal.
You caress your partner’s cheeks. They’re wet. It takes everything in you to pick up the pieces of your broken heart. No. You can’t fall apart now. Jungkook needs you.
“Mn. I’m here. You can tell me what you want.”
“N-No.” Jungkook whimpers, “I don’t want anything. I—I don’t deserve anything.”
“Jungkook.” You break the hug and force Jungkook to sit up on the bed. He’s warm enough. He’ll live.
The detective cast his gaze down, though—an indication he doesn’t want to hear whatever you have to say.
It pisses you off.
“Jungkook. Look at me.” You demand sternly. But Jungkook shakes his head.
“No, you’re mad at me.”
“Heck yeah, I’m mad. I’m so mad I can punch your face right now.” You have been patient with him, believing he’s vulnerable and in need of space. But your heart is only soft for a sad Jungkook, not for a Jungkook who blabs stupid things.
Jungkook balls his hands into fists, “You don’t understand. It’s so noisy in here.” He points at his head, “They won’t shut up. I’m—he….”
Jungkook gasps for air. You panic. You rub Jungkook’s back.
“Jungkook,” the saddest thing in this world is not seeing colors; it’s watching your beloved deal with the pain while you sit there pathetically, unable to take even a fraction of his hurt.
What good is a soulmate when all it can bring is color? Why can’t you take away Jungkook’s pain?
“He’s back, my father is out of jail.” Jungkook grips the bedsheet, “He’s come back for me. He hurt her before. He always takes away the people I love.”
Trauma is a part of Jungkook; napping silently and with one wrong shake, it’ll wake up and wreak havoc.
“You should run. Leave me. I don’t have a use to you, anyway—”
“Hush,” you can’t bear to listen anymore. You pull Jungkook to your chest, but the detective struggles.
“Please. You have to listen to me! Just leave! We’re not soulmates. I don’t understand why you’re still here!" Jungkook pushes your chest, but you catch his hands, burying Jungkook’s face into your neck.
“Oh, ma moitié.” The French endearment sounds easy coming out of your mouth. Jungkook melts at once. He sobs against your skin.
Ma moitié translates to my other half.
Jungkook wants to curse this unfair world. That’s right. How can you and him not be each other’s other half? It’s difficult to fight for you when fate is against you two. Sometimes Jungkook feels like no one has the right to tear you apart, mainly because you two paint each other's life—not with colors but with love. You and Jungkook are soulmates by heart. Many people call you twin black. The monochromatic world doesn't rob the two of you of happiness, love, and care. It takes one Jeon Jungkook to know that you like drinking cold water, not just 'cold water.' It has to be a certain degree of coldness:
If the water sits in the refrigerator for two hours, that's not cold enough. If it's water coming from a semi-solid ice cube, then that's too cold.
You are fussy, but you give your effort to Jungkook similarly. Whenever you pick Jungkook up from work, you never fail to put your expensive leather jacket on the passenger seat, so Jungkook wouldn't have to deal with a burning hot seat. You don’t mind being stuck in the traffic and driving for hours to pick him up at work every day.
“Why can’t you be mine?” Jungkook doesn’t have the energy to push you away. His hatred is directed toward fate, himself, and his deranged father. Why are they against you and him being together?
“But I’m already yours, Kook.” You lick Jungkook’s tears and kiss his eyes. “Everything about me belongs to you. This,”
You guide Jungkook’s hands to your eyes, lips, and neck, then lower Jungkook’s hands to your heart. You let the detective feel your beating heart.
“You hear that, Kook?” Your eyes well up with tears. “That’s my heart telling you something.”
Goosebumps prick at Jungkook’s skin.
You do not break eye contact. “I love you, Jungkook.”
You have said those words countless times before, but it doesn’t fail to take Jungkook’s breath away—especially now that the I love you is said so softly…so romantically.
“You’re my soulmate, Jungkook.”
Jungkook flinches, shaking his head rapidly.
“T-That can’t be. You…you see colors. I don’t. We’re—we’re….”
Why are you lying? Why are you giving Jungkook false hope? It’s cruel.
But you are insistent.
“Jungkook,” you kiss him. “Stop thinking for a while, yeah? Focus on me. Focus on my heart. I love you.”
“I love you too,” Jungkook answers against your lips. He never responded before, simply allowing and relishing the taste of your sweet lips.
“I love you so much,” Jungkook repeats, groaning and biting your lips until it draws blood. Jungkook had never allowed himself to possess before, scared that he would end up ruining what he loved. But today is different. You are addicting. Claiming he loves you gives him so much power--
He pushes you to bed, pressing himself on top of you.
Jungkook kisses you. “I love you. I love you. I really, really love you.”
--so much happiness.
“I love you.”
--so much color.
Jungkook stops kissing you; his head spins.
--so much color.
Color.
The monochromatic world is slowly changing.
Color.
More colors.
Jungkook’s eyes grow wide.
He looks at you under him.
He gasps and calls your name. Your name sounds like a prayer coming out of Jungkook’s mouth.
“Your eyes…they’re purple.”
You chuckle under him. You wipe Jungkook’s tears.
“Took you long enough to realize, Kook.”
Jungkook laughs hysterically. He stares into your eyes again, ensuring he’s not dreaming or going crazing.
Your eyes are really purple—not gray.
At this very moment, Jungkook realizes something: out of all the suicide methods in history, Jungkook thinks that if he were to try one, it still wouldn’t work because seeing the purple in your eyes will bring him back to life.
Really. No amount of oxygen can compare to the image of you lying on your bed, purple eyes glistening as you whisper sweet nothings to your soulmate. With that, Jungkook feels he can finally breathe.
****
Meanwhile, on Aurora Fashion Lane, Taehyung runs toward the coffee shop. The conversation he had with you at the elevator rings inside his mind.
There has been a glitch.
That’s right. Taehyung remembers that day like the back of his hand.
It’s 6:23am. He went to a coffee shop looking so composed, but he’s actually very nervous. However, the presence of the barista calms him down.
“You’re new here, aren’t you?” Jimin, the barista, asks. A soft smile adores his pretty face.
Taehyung feels his heart skipping a beat. He licks his lips, “You can tell?”
“You smell different.”
“Really.” Taehyung feels blood rushing to his face.
Jimin laughs. “Don’t be conscious. I said you smell different, not bad. I can tell because I’m blind. My other senses are heightened because of it.”
“Ah.” Taehyung is fascinated. Jimin prepares coffee like a pro. He won’t know Jimin can’t see if he didn’t say it.
“This one is for your head designer; she likes her coffee with some liquor. I sneak some little candies onto her tray so she can bring them home to Detective Jeon, her husband.” Jimin pushes a coffee cup to Taehyung.
“This one is for Yeji. She prefers iced coffee even when it’s freezing cold. This one is for Ji-Eun. She likes tea and not coffee. Yeonjun never changes his order. It’s always two shots of espresso. Jake drinks anything, as long as it’s not too bitter. And this,”
Jimin smiles, “Is for you. A bulgogi sandwich and iced latte. The sandwich is not spicy, so you don’t need to worry. Have a good day.”
Taehyung feels like floating in the air when he goes to work. He first sees you at the door, looking so pensive early in the morning.
You are thinking about your husband. His birthday is coming soon. You want to give him something precious.
A wristwatch? Nah. That’s too simple.
A perfume? Nope. You prefer it when he smells like you.
What about a picnic date near the sea? You can arrange for a firework display and…
Confess.
You flinch at your own thought.
Confess.
You want to confess to Jungkook because---
--you love him.
“Good morning.” Taehyung greets.
You are startled. You snap your head up to meet Taehyung’s face.
All of a sudden, a splash of colors welcomes you.
You see colors, and so does Taehyung.
“So yeah, I think there’s been a glitch.” Taehyung tries to explain to an expressionless Jimin. He swallows when the barista doesn’t answer.
Taehyung releases a deep sigh. Right. He probably sounds crazy right now. It’s not cool to suddenly barge at someone’s work and announce that you think the barista is your soulmate.
Taehyung scolds himself. He’s about to apologize and tell Jimin to ignore what he said when—
“I know,” Jimin responds.
Taehyung blinks up at him dumbly.
Jimin’s lips twist, “Didn’t I tell you I’m blind?”
What’s his blindness got to do with anything? Taehyung still likes him.
“Taehyung, I’m blind.” He repeats. “I’ve been blind since I was born. When I dream, I don’t dream visually, but.”
There’s a sudden pause. Jimin looks lost in thought.
He continues after a while, “The night before I met you, I dreamt of you. I saw a man who told me I was his soulmate. You two have the same voice, and here…” Jimin brings out his sketch pad and finally shows it to Taehyung.
“I draw the face of the man in my dream. Does it look like you?”
Taehyung gasps dramatically because, my gosh. Jimin has perfectly drawn his face!
“This is really me…I’m your soulmate, Jimin.” Taehyung stutters a breath. His heart beats fast.
Jimin chuckles softly, and then he touches Taehyung’s eyes. “Yes, you told me in my dream, too. I’m just waiting for you to realize it in real life.”
The thing about soulmates is it’s complex. Researchers even claim there are different universes, all of which have the concept of soulmates. Some hear the thoughts of their soulmates in their heads. Some are immortals and will only die if they do the act with their soulmates. And then comes their world, a monochromatic place where you’ll see colors once you look at your soulmate’s eyes.
But it’s not that simple. Sometimes, you have to free yourself from your own judgment first. Sometimes, you must be honest first; sometimes, you just have to wait.
****
Accept this fic while I take my time writing my ongoing JJK series here.
This is originally a soukoku fic I've written before. If you prefer that version, click here. I've converted it into a JJK x reader because it was requested by an anon here. If there are obvious mistakes in pronouns and such, please tell me because as said, this is originally a fic for a different fandom and it used to be a mxm pairing. I may have missed some thing while editing it.
I've written the same concept of soulmate ft. JJK years ago. It's a series which you can read here.
I appreciate comments the most! If you have suggestions about addtional tw, please don't hesitate to message me. Thank you ~~
#jungkook fluff#jungkook angst#jungkook x reader#ficswithluv#jungkook x you#bts fic#jungkook x oc#jungkook fanfic#jungkook x yn#jungkook roommate au#jungkook established relationship#soft boy jungkook#detective
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