#and i try creating these community events like hangouts or celebrations or anything to get people coming in

[aroace-number-eight]

When you were too passionate in the tags (and hit tag limit) that Tumblr starts breaking around you

[figs-and-cigs]

Polyamorous Ask Game

Light and Fun Questions:

1. If you could go on a date with any fictional character, who would it be and why?

Buffy will always be my favorite show and Spike will always be my number one crush.

2. What’s your favorite group activity to do with multiple partners?

Dinners. Whether it's going to a restaurant or a potluck at someone's house. Sharing meals is just the ultimate form of connection and community imo.

3. What’s a dream vacation spot where you’d love to bring all your partners?

Not a big traveler but we're fortunate to have a lifestyle resort nearby a lot of go to every year for a weekend. A longer vacation there would be a dream.

4. What’s the most unique date you've ever been on?

We went to a speed dating event and then invited "potential dates" on our dinner date. It became a funny and awkward hangout with three extra people who were not poly.

5. If your love life had a theme song, what would it be?

Melissa McClelland's A Girl Can Dream.

6. What's the most creative way you’ve celebrated an anniversary?

Swingers resort. Not really creative for us, but to the vanillas sure.

7. What’s your ideal day spent with one or more partners?

Staying in, ordering food, cuddling and watching movies. Always.

8. Do you prefer solo dates, double dates, or group hangouts?

All of them are amazing. Depends on how I'm feeling, what types of connections I'm desiring, but typically prioritize solo dates over anything else. Group hangouts don't necessarily involve partners.

9. What’s a hobby you’d love to introduce to one or more of your partners?

Dancing. Seriously, they're going to keep getting invited to dance lessons.

10. If you and your partners were superheroes, what would your team name be?

Like our calendars could ever line up well enough for that to happen. (I'm copping out of this one because I have no idea.)

Thoughtful & Reflective Questions:

1. What does emotional intimacy mean to you in polyamory?

Open communication, about anything, without fear or judgment.

2. How do you manage jealousy when it comes up?

Reason things out with a supportive friend or therapist. Journaling. Focusing on my own hobby. Then communication with my partner if needed. Am I jealous? Fearful the relationship is changing? Am I experiencing FOMO? If I can answer these on my own, I can also find a collaborative solution.

3. How do you prefer to communicate about boundaries in your relationships?

I'm a texter. I usually start there if not on a date where it comes up. I try to be clear and direct. In my experience, boundaries are guidelines for me and don't always need communicated, but will be stated when necessary. For example, I don't answer the phone after midnight - but I will share this information if a partner calls at 1am.

4. How has polyamory changed your perspective on love and relationships?

Love is an infinite resource. There's freedom and beauty in not putting strict rules about how love and relationships evolve. Relationships are more about choosing each other rather than obligation and we each carve our own paths.

5. What’s your favorite part about being in multiple relationships?

The experiences and getting to know so many people on an intimate level.

6. What’s a challenge in polyamory that you didn’t expect but have learned to navigate?

How relationships escalate. NRE and moving too fast into integrating into each other's lives creates way more difficulties than I realized until it happened.

7. How do you balance time between multiple partners and self-care?

Prioritizing my self-care is my number one boundary. I have chronic health issues, so this was something I had to do even before entering polyamory. Mondays are my rest days, period. My schedule fluctuates and isn't always as consistent as some people would like - I find partners who can understand and respect that.

8. How do you support your partners when they’re experiencing tough emotions?

Listening. That's really the only answer. I can validate emotions, share my own experiences, things that help me - but my role is to listen and not fix.

9. What do you love most about your polycule or chosen family?

The support, watching everyone work on their self improvement and growth, getting to be a witness to everyone's journey's while I'm on my own.

10. What’s a misconception about polyamory that you wish people understood better?

It's NOT ALL TRIADS!

Spicy/More Personal (if comfort levels allow):

1. What’s your favorite way to connect physically with a partner?

Cuddling.

2. What’s your favorite memory of a shared experience with multiple partners?

Hubby and I shared a room at a resort with another couple we'd been friends with for years. While no romantic partners - the intimate friendship was there. It was a wild weekend and we all still talk and laugh about it.

3. What does compersion (happiness for a partner’s other relationships) look like for you?

Instead of feeling jealous or envy it's a literal sense of, "I want that for them!"

4. What’s something that excites you about group dynamics in polyamorous relationships?

First thought that came to mind was sitting between two partners and literally reaching up to stroke their beards simultaneously. Really, it's just the ability to show affection to multiple people at once in a variety of ways, doing what comes naturally and it not ending another relationship.

5. How do you approach intimacy in different types of relationships?

Depends on the individual and the relationship.

6. Do you have a go-to method for initiating deeper conversations with a partner?

"Hey, I want to talk about ____, do you have the spoons for that right now or can we schedule a time?"

7. What’s an act of affection that makes you feel loved and appreciated?

A message to let me know they're thinking about me and arranging for quality time, no matter how short.

8. What are your feelings on sharing space, like sleeping arrangements, with multiple partners?

My home is off limits (have a kiddo at home), but at an event, sleepover, resort etc. anything can happen. Just know that cuddle puddles get hot and uncomfortable and arrangements will change throughout the night. We're definitely more garden party poly, most of us share spaces outside of our homes.

9. What’s one boundary that’s especially important to you in your relationships?

Communication. Period. Don't assume, talk about it.

10. What’s something sexy you’d love to try in a group setting?

Nothing on my bucket list at the moment, but that could change.

This was fun. Thanks!

Polyamorous Ask Game

Light and Fun Questions:

If you could go on a date with any fictional character, who would it be and why?

What’s your favorite group activity to do with multiple partners?

What’s a dream vacation spot where you’d love to bring all your partners?

What’s the most unique date you've ever been on?

If your love life had a theme song, what would it be?

What's the most creative way you’ve celebrated an anniversary?

What’s your ideal day spent with one or more partners?

Do you prefer solo dates, double dates, or group hangouts?

What’s a hobby you’d love to introduce to one or more of your partners?

If you and your partners were superheroes, what would your team name be?

Thoughtful & Reflective Questions:

What does emotional intimacy mean to you in polyamory?

How do you manage jealousy when it comes up?

How do you prefer to communicate about boundaries in your relationships?

How has polyamory changed your perspective on love and relationships?

What’s your favorite part about being in multiple relationships?

What’s a challenge in polyamory that you didn’t expect but have learned to navigate?

How do you balance time between multiple partners and self-care?

How do you support your partners when they’re experiencing tough emotions?

What do you love most about your polycule or chosen family?

What’s a misconception about polyamory that you wish people understood better?

Spicy/More Personal (if comfort levels allow):

What’s your favorite way to connect physically with a partner?

What’s your favorite memory of a shared experience with multiple partners?

What does compersion (happiness for a partner’s other relationships) look like for you?

What’s something that excites you about group dynamics in polyamorous relationships?

How do you approach intimacy in different types of relationships?

Do you have a go-to method for initiating deeper conversations with a partner?

What’s an act of affection that makes you feel loved and appreciated?

What are your feelings on sharing space, like sleeping arrangements, with multiple partners?

What’s one boundary that’s especially important to you in your relationships?

What’s something sexy you’d love to try in a group setting?

[cap-ironman]

2020 Cap-Iron Man Exchange Gifts unveiled on January 6th

It’s the eleventh day of reveals! Each day we will be revealing gifts created by 2020 Cap-Iron Man Holiday Exchange and Community Gifts Event participants. The gifts will remain anonymous until January 11th, giving everyone a chance to enjoy the works and guess the identities of creators. (Remember, if you've got a work in the collection, please remain anonymous until after creator reveals!) Here are today’s gifts!

★ As Luck May Have It for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel 1872, 7541 words)

T.S. MURDERED BY ASSHOLES CRSMS EVE 1872 Local drunk Tony Stark spends his Christmas Eve getting his ass kicked, and things look bleak. Will Sheriff Rogers be able to save the day in time for the Christmas celebration?

★ Cake It Till You Make It for BladeoftheNebula (MCU AU, 10,740 words)

Steve Rogers and Tony Stark have a lot in common. They're single parents, they own rival bakeries at the center of town... and they both hate each other's guts. When a mix-up at Peter and Morgan's school has both fathers scrambling to prove they're the better baker, they do the mature, adult thing and compete in a bake-off. Between the mixing and the creaming, the baking and the icing, Steve and Tony find that hate is actually not that far from love.

★ dearheart for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel 3490, 1000 words)

Natasha hands out nicknames like they're candy. They can't mean anything. So Steve tries giving her a loving nickname of his own. Feelings ensue.

★ The Exception for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel AU, 642 words)

Steve sends a naked selfie to someone New Year's Eve.

★ first date critters for Cap Iron Man Community (Marvel 8311, Art)

Iron Mouse and Captain Americat are getting ready for their first date together.

★ Highs and Lows for Nixie_DeAngel (MCU, 2626 words)

There were always perks to having gotten the serum, but at times like this, Steve wondered if his life would have been easier if he’d just stayed a normal, un-powered human being. But then again, if he hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t have met Tony, so he supposed it was all worth it, really. Steve and Tony return from a mission and live domestically ever after.

★ Look at This Photograph for captainstars (616, 3661 words)

Every photo taken of Steve and Tony just seems to turn out that way, no matter what Steve does.

★ maybe if i stand still enough for jellybeanforest (MCU, 3000 words)

"Mr. Stark is on his way down, should I tell him you’re here?” Jarvis asks. Steve hadn’t asked to try on the suit and Tony hates it when people touch his stuff. He’d be pissed to learn that Steve had not only been in the workshop while he wasn’t there, but had tried on the suit as well. The suit and Tony were one! What did that mean that Steve got into it without asking? Rushing to the display case, Steve steps inside, turning around and stilling like a statue. “Jarvis, pretend I’m not here!” Steve gets stuck in the suit, it goes better than expected.

★ The Plot of a Bad Porn Movie for Cap Iron Man Community (Avengers Assemble, 2049 words)

Steve wakes up in a strange bed. With Tony beside him!

★ Secret Sweetheart Sweater for ishipallthings (Marvel, art)

Tony finds Steve knitting a sweater for someone. They're probably really special for Steve to go through so much trouble. Now he has no time to hangout with him. Tony's not sulking. Nope.

★ Taper in a Rushing Wind for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 4459 words)

Steve's virginity is becoming a burden and he knows who he wants to take it from him.

★ With Your Love for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 902 words)

Both of their heads whipped up at the sound, immediately zeroing in on the body of Steve Rogers curled up on the cushions and buried under one of the spare throw blankets. Another snore, louder this time. Tony and Bucky stared at each other for a short moment before falling into a fit of snorted giggles and stifled wheezes. Or, Steve's family makes sure he's taken care of when he catches a cold.

To check out all of this year’s gifts (so far!), head over to the 2020 Captain America/Iron Man Holiday Exchange AO3 Collection. When your gift is revealed, please be sure to comment and thank your gifter! If you’re the creator of a gift that’s now been revealed, you can reply to any comments and stay anonymous — AO3 will automatically show you as "Anonymous Author" until the creator reveals. Finally, you may want to change the publication date of your work to today’s date so that it shows up at the top of AO3's feeds. AO3’s guide is available here and we have a more detailed version here. Happy holidays, and we hope you enjoy all of the revealed works! ♥ Your 2020 Cap-Iron Man Holiday Exchange and Community Gifts mods

[tatumbutinblogform-blog]

Sample Blogs!

1. What is something vexing that you're currently wrestling with?

My first (of many) MIT dilemmas

Ah yes. MIT. The place that provides students SO MANY things to do (not just plain or boring things, things I love!). The ~things~ I’m referring to are all of the majors, minors, activities, clubs, seminars, learning communities... You get the point. Though I am still a smol, not-yet-exposed-to-the-real-MIT prefrosh, I get the sense that it’s hard not to want to do everything. MIT is amazing in that it does a phenomenal job of picking diverse, passionate, motivated students; these students avidly seek out challenges and, from what I’ve seen amongst my prefrosh kin™, are ready to do literally everything at MIT.

But of course, that’s not possible. Although many wish they could quadruple major, time limitations exist, other obligations exist, you need SLEEP, and thus it’s likely not going to happen. I recently encountered one of my first dilemmas with regards to MIT (let’s just acknowledge that I’m not even there yet!) so buckle up!

Although I think I know what I plan on majoring in (course 20?!), deciding on my HASS concentration (preemptive, of course, as I am currently attempting to plan my academic journey here at MIT on FireRoad) has proven to be a challenge.

Obviously, I love math and science; but my academic interests also include non-STEM subjects like literally anything art history (actually history in general…) and Mandarin Chinese. I had the chance to explore these two subjects in high school-- taking an AP Art History course junior year (and consequently falling in love) and Mandarin Chinese sophomore through senior year. I knew I needed to continue these in college, as they really added a must-needed balance to my years in high school.

I vividly remember basically being in <3 love <3 when I saw the art pieces printed in my AP booklet during the test, mostly because the print quality was so nice! I was definitely not expecting to spend time ogling over some art pieces I studied all year during the most important test for the class, but there I was. I am still so incredibly fascinated by art history; I love learning why an artist decided to create their pieces, why the pieces were important during the time period, and omg how pretty! 

I also discovered the wonder that is learning a new language! Most students took a required foreign language during their time in high school, as did I, but I never expected to thoroughly enjoy Mandarin so much. Although I never had exposure to the language growing up (as judging from my appearance, I am most definitely caucasian and our family only speaks English. but fun fact I’m ¼ Japanese!), I definitely had a great time learning about the intricate language and culture. And at this point, I virtually only speak at the elementary-level, so there is still so much 中文 (Chinese) to learn!

So this is my first MIT dilemma-- do I want to do my HASS Concentration in the History of Architecture, Art and Design, or in Chinese Studies? Learn cool history things, or (hopefully) become bilingual? ahhhh!!!

After a lot of thinking, planning, playing around with FireRoad, I think I’ve come to the decision of choosing the art history route. I am most definitely not dead-set on it, but just to give myself some peace of mind. It came down to which one I really enjoy studying! While I love learning Mandarin, my passion for art history ultimately prevailed. But stay tuned for any changes!

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2. What happened Tuesday?

Solace in the Summertime My First Tuesday of July!

For many people, it’s usually a rarity to see the sunrise every morning (and in a perfect world, I’d be “many people”). I’m unfortunately woken up each morning by my 5:40am alarm-- I mean, I love my daily routine, but I just wish my day started a bit later. After getting everything situated, aka my breakfast, clothes, backpack, and bike loaded into the car (more on that later), I’m off to rowing practice!

Today's workout includes some hard pieces¹ on the erg², where I eventually totaled 16,000 meters rowed for the day. After stretching and foam-rolling, I did some strength training and wooo I’m done!

Just kidding! I brought my bike to ride today (thanks to mom for dropping me off this morning :D ) because the weather is wonderful in Southern California and I love the scenic route home. So, I embark on the 40 minute-ish ride-- slightly longer because my legs are dead, and hills are no joke-- and think about what I’m going to do for the rest of my day! With only 47 days (insert surprised Pikachu) until I leave for MIT, my time left to spend at home is quite limited. So many things to do!

It’s only 10:52 in the morning, but I’m hungry so I snack on some blueberries. I absolutely love blueberries!!! I wrote a sonnet on my love for blueberries once (my teacher told us to be creative, it’s just what came to mind!), so clearly, the love is real. So sweet! So pigmented!

After my blueberry escapade, I decided to read a bit. I didn’t have much time throughout the school year to read for leisure, so I’m just cherishing the time now! I just started the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series by George R.R. Martin (aka Game of Thrones in book form before it became a TV show). After reading for a while, I eat lunch, chill a bit, and write in my new planner that I got as one of my graduation gifts.

A few hours later, it’s dinner time! I make a delicious salad for dinner (I make one literally every night ~ friendly reminder to get your veggies in!) and get prepare for a meeting I have in the evening. The meeting is for a nonprofit I help run, called STEMChats, and we’re having our weekly leadership team call that will last a few hours (it’s a busy time for us!).

Sparing some minor events that occurred through the day, this is what I did on my first Tuesday in July! The day was pretty uneventful for me, mostly because I’ve done a similar routine most days of my summer so far. But I hope you enjoyed Tatum’s Tuesday!

A “piece” is basically rowing lingo for the workout. Most are either by time or distance (meters).

We <3 erging! Ergs are the indoor rowing machines used for on-land workouts and such (most rowers don’t actually like them because hard workouts = pain).

------------------------------------------------------------------

3. What is your current obsession?

Jeopardy! Joy An Evening Tradition 

If you ask me to hang out any given day between 7pm to 7:30pm, chances are I’ll say no. I’ve been watching the fast-paced classic trivia show Jeopardy! for over 11 years with the company of my mom. Though I didn’t get many answers right in my early years, I now get enough correct clues each night to tally ‘em up (sorry for the unintentional flex). So, when I hear the ever-so-memorable theme song each night when the clock strikes 7, I instantly grab my small chalkboard, chalk, and a nice glass of water because it’s time for some Jeopardy!. 

Now, I’m not sure you’d call it an obsession. For me, it’s a hobby. Surprising yourself by remembering very niche details on events, names, and just utterly random topics? Count me in! Now I know at MIT we had (have? idk?) a ~celebrity~ in our midst: Lily Chin, Jeopardy! College Champion. I remember watching the tournament a few years back, greatly looking up to the contestants who just knew so much! I never ever thought that I’d be going to the same institution, let alone writing this blog. Maybe one day I’ll be on Jeopardy! (currently waiting for the next college student try-out!!!) and I’ll fulfill my life-long dream! Or maybe I won’t! But I’ll still continue to watch the show and reminisce on all the great memories watching it with family (but show no remorse for all the missed opportunities for hangouts with friends. sorry y’all <3) (let’s play a game called “how many times can you mention ‘Jeopardy!’ in one blog post”!)

[orribuontheinternet]

Depression and Drawing.

When I was a young lass (I want to say around 7-8 years old), I saw my biological father drawing something while he sat on the porch. The details are fuzzy, but I do remember it being an equine of some sort. He was working in ink. Watching him was so fascinating that I decided that I too wanted to be an artist. To be able to imagine something and put it to paper was a foreign concept to me, one that I was excited about. Oddly enough, my first ever drawing was of an intangible concept: an emotion. I forgot why little me was so knee-deep in sadness at the time, but I remember doodling a self-portrait of a sad, crying baby Olive while holding back my tears. Underneath (or around, I can't recall) was a caption that kind of stated the obvious: "Olivia is sad." When I think about that moment, I wonder if that was a form of foreshadowing since I suffer from...well, Major Depression. But we'll get back to that later. I think this drawing was spawned from a conflict with my siblings, but I can't rightly recall. I do, however, remember that someone tore the picture to pieces. Then came the waterworks.

I want to pause for a second and let you know that I'm going to try not to throw a pity party. I'm not going to whine and stuff this note with melodramatic hyperbole. If you can stomach an emotional artist digging deep into her head and making her introspection tangible, I encourage you to keep reading. If not, I respect your decision to stop.

To segue on to a brighter note, I started drawing in elementary school. I remember the exhilarating feeling of finishing my work. My proudest moment, aside from a (not) Sonic-themed powerpoint, was a storybook I made in fifth grade. It was a flip book of some sort, and very colorful. I think it had something to do with James and the Giant Peach considering it was a book report. But that was an impression I left. Olive, the artist. This carried on into middle school, where I first discovered anime thanks to an art teacher who had the magic VCR/TV cart we 90s kids remember fondly. He showed us Princess Mononoke, one of Hayao Miyazaki's well-renowned works. It was um...horrifying. The film scared the everloving shit out of me, but I was intrigued by it. There was something really cool about the way the people looked, far different from the Ms. Frizzles and Rugrats I came to know. It captivated me, and when I got over the stomach-churning blood and guts the movie presented, I strove to attain that cool aesthetic. I was always doodling during my classes and lunchtime and recess. People came to know me as that kid that draws. Some of them flocked to me and asked me to doodle something for them. It was annoying in hindsight, but at the time it brought me immense pride. People were interested in something I was doing! This development boosted my motivation; I drew picture after picture, happily sharing it with anyone who was interested. It was invigorating! Then high school happened, and I realized I wasn't as amazing as I initially thought I was. In 2006 I was accepted into the prestigious Philadelphia Highschool of Creative and Performing Arts (henceforth shortened to "CAPA," as to avoid the apparent mouthful of syllables). I attended with a major in visual arts, which I took alongside my core classes, i.e., math, science, and English. The first few months were humbling, to say the least. I took ceramics, graphic art, and observational drawing. During this year, I also discovered the magic (to a 15-year-old anyway) of Naruto. That was my biggest obsession since the Dragonball Z/Rurouni Kenshin/Outlaw Star/Big O/etcetera days. Where I used to make "Dark Sonic" characters and the like,  I made a step towards creating a world of my own. Thus, after a painful defeat in an original character tournament, I decided it was time to start harnessing my writing and narrative skills, as well as my drawing skills. And so I strove to improve, even with those dents in my pride. It became something I was proud of, almost an obsession. I wanted to share it with the rest of the world, so I went for it.

(The first piece I’ve shared with the internet via deviantART.)

This is where my real artistic journey began. When I started, I had no idea of how mentally, physically, and emotionally tolling this would be. Half the time I've made things way more difficult than they've needed to be: sleepless nights, crouching over a desk, risky investments that granted little to no return and thus resulted in me digging myself into a deeper hole of debt, periods of psychological agony–I've experienced a great deal since I started creating these...things. In my naivety, I envisioned making money off of my creativity, having fun, meeting fans around the world, and hitting up cons like those really cool people I follow on the internet. I started comparing myself to more celebrated, experienced artists, to the point where I'd cry out of eye and earshot and wonder why I can't be as good as them. Why can't I be as skilled, or successful, I'd ask myself. This is when I should have realized that the Depression I suffer from has a voice. It'd tell me that I'd never amount to anything, let alone reach that level of expertise and fame. It was painfully merciless and cruel, and I was its punching bag. I'd start wondering what the point was and why I should even try to engage in this creative expression. Then, something tragic happened:

I realized I was falling out of love with it.

I didn't feel the same exhilaration I'd get when I finished something as simple as a little scribble. I didn't feel the warm burst of energy that I felt when I'd make a breakthrough.  I desperately scrambled for something–anything��that would rekindle my love for creating again. Then, after some introspection, I decided that I wanted to try for animation. It had always fascinated me during my time in grade school, so I did some research and even wrote a thesis about animation and why it inspired me. To an extent, the passion I have for the arts did come back a little, but it was just a spark. When I started college, I was reluctantly proud of myself. I started dreaming big again, thinking about how amazing it would be if I could create my own animated series and bring my narratives to life. And so, the dreams of being able to support myself and my family returned to the forefront of my mind, again. While I hopped and skipped through my first year at uni, I built a lot of friendships I never thought I'd have after a painful summer season. I thought back to how I tried and failed to start an art team and decided to go for it again. And thus, after planning gatherings and messing around with my friends, Exploding Fairies was born!

(Old Exploding Fairies logo.)

The Depression and my wounded confidence, however, wouldn't allow for anything to go past casual hangouts and being a nuisance to my teammates. Everything boiled down to three things:

1) I was unwilling to relinquish control of any of the facets of the alliance and our stories. To me, the story we worked on was my baby, and only I would have a say in whatever developments occurred. 2) I lacked the leadership and communication skills to collaborate with my partners effectively. 3) Considering the nature of my requests, I SHOULD have been paying my partners as an incentive. I lacked the money to compensate them for their time and talent adequately. I could very well be painting myself in a horrible light considering how terribly influential my depression is to my self-esteem. 

(The image above is by @cucoo.)

(Concept drawings of Dan’s actual identity.)

However, exposure and companionship don't necessarily pay the bills. Besides, I was still a "nobody on the internet!" I may as well have kicked sand in their faces. At least, that's what the disease told me. I grew bitter towards the world when Homestuck and a traumatizing anime gained the admiration of my friends. I became green with envy, wondering why my work didn't win such affection. That summer, I went into overdrive. I started an original character tournament of my own and gained a considerable following. I even found love again! 

After a busy three months, I jumped into my second year of college. This is when I finally collapsed under the weight of my mental ailments. Week after week, I stressed almost hyperbolically to the point where a single mistake could mean the end of the world to me. I officially started as an animation student (the first year was mostly core studies with elective and liberal arts on the side), and I wanted to bring my A-game to the forefront. I was going to wow everyone with my knowledge of technology while I navigated through the hills and valleys of my second year. I got to take a course in digital 2D animation, the media I've had my eyes on since I started my college career. Everything just hinged on whether I could manage my workload (I took 18 credits). Apart from the building stress, financial troubles, and impaired health, everything seemed fine. That notion, however, was shattered when I lost my progress on a 2D animation assignment. It was all over. All of that hard work that I put in (without saving, no less) was destroyed by a corrupted file. I didn't have a backup file ready for such an occasion. Admittedly, it was my fault for letting my guard down. I should have known better as a geeky artist!  To me, there was no way I could ever recover from that. I was an idiot and a crappy artist anyway! I was a failure! I was nothing! All of the horrible thoughts that my sickness cataloged was thrust into my conscious mind, impairing my ability to reason. Devastated and afraid, I called my crush and opened up about what happened. The pressure finally cracked me, and she had to talk me down from attempting suicide.

The turn of events affected everything, from my focus to my ability to complete my assignments. My crush advised me on what steps I should take while moving forward. I was hospitalized to prevent any harm I could bring to myself. I really DID want to escape from the unbearable pain my sick mind caused me. Eventually, I had to contact the dean of students and was referred to an affiliated therapist. After conversing with him and the dean, we all decided that it'd be best if I were committed to an outpatient program to start on the road to recovery. Fast forward to 2012 or 2013, when I completely lost faith in myself as an artist, and thus, my love for art. I didn't think it'd happen, but I hit what I conceived as rock bottom. I swore off drawing. It didn't bring me joy anymore, and why continue dabbling in something that I'd never be good at?

Unfortunately, the resulting slump turned out to be thicker than I'd imagine and I entered a state of deep depression. I rarely got out of bed, I overate and sometimes didn't eat at all, I never picked up a pencil or opened photoshop, never reached out to the people who I knew and who loved me...I was virtually dead to the world. Some good things happened that, in hindsight, I should have cherished. For starters, my crush became my girlfriend, and we lived together in an apartment in Center City. I was too smothered in the fog to show my appreciation and love for her adequately. She loved me and loved my work, which in turn brought back my passion for creating. If I couldn't financially support myself with my art, the least I could do is bring her joy and feed her imagination. 

(We both love semi-horror and anime, so our roleplays took that direction.)

Sadly, thanks to the disease even something as precious as her happiness wasn't enough. When I look back, I can see the hurt in her eyes, but during the time I had such horrible tunnel vision and was so disappointed about things not working out with my art that I couldn't sense that. Me, a self-proclaimed empath! My desperate greed and envy were my downfall, and I limped my way down the artsy-fartsy road. I'd draw fan art and create fan comics, only to become bitter about either the lack of replies or patrons on Patreon or the perceived disregard for any personal ventures I took. 

I did my first convention at Anime Impulse back in 2015, and after a pretty bad time in the artist alley, I swore off drawing again. I remember nights of staring blankly at the computer screen, smashing Command or Control +Z and ultimately throwing my stylus down, closing photoshop, and crying out of frustration. I remember pulling my hair and sobbing when I faced rejection. It was an incredibly painful time for me. That's not to say I still don't experience that now as I totally do, but something happened this year that strengthened my stride.

I posted something on Tumblr earlier this year about my frustration when it comes to creating art. It was specifically about how I get stuck in the "polishing" phase of building a webcomic page, but when I look back, I can actually attribute it to art in general. I became a "perfectionist." Nothing was impressive enough to finish or release, and I'd wind up with more works in progress than finished ones. My morale just kept dipping lower and lower, and finally, when picking up a webcomic project that I started more than a year ago, I vented my frustrations. To this, my crush, who became my fiancé some four years ago, replied with this:

"You polish because you’re not confident with your work because you're in an evolution phase. Fear holds you back. So you go back and edit. And edit. And edit. So stop the cycle. Kill the fear by not letting it have time to take hold."

Her words of encouragement and insight changed my perspective in ways I've never expected. It was almost like it triggered an epiphany or a breakthrough in my mind! I was reminded of her love and faith in me! With that came a ray of hope, that I could try again, and this time, throw my fear-induced caution to the wind! While my depression still has a voice and beats me down from time to time, I realize that it's just scared. I realized that when Brittany and I sat down and played through Celeste together. I related it to my sadness and anxiety surrounding art, and now I'm slowly getting back on my feet. I can't displace the blame and "use" my mental ailments as a scapegoat. I can't come up with excuses to give up on what I do. There is SOMETHING in creating visual media that breathes life into me.

(I started learning to let go.)

Looking towards the future, I hope I can look back on even these trying times and remind myself of where I was and how stronger I've become because of it. I'm still struggling with comparing myself to others and crashing into creative and motivational blocks, but someday I'll rise above it all. Besides, I should be doing it for me, right? The external validation should just be the topping on a sweet sundae.

That's why I keep drawing, in spite of the voice's apprehension. We're going to get through this together, I promise.

[nikkidrobertson]

4 Back to School Tips for New (and not so new) School Librarians

*originally written for School Library Journal

Congratulations on your new job as a school librarian! It is hands down the absolutely best job...EVER!  Last year, entering my twenty-sixth year as an educator and twenty-first year as a school librarian, I found myself in the position of being a new librarian again in quite a few ways.  I retired from Alabama and moved to Texas for an awesome school library position to work for an administrator for whom I have great respect and admiration. I moved from working at a high school library for the past twelve years to working at an elementary school. I moved from having a flexible schedule to a fixed schedule as part of the Specials rotation with Art, Music, and PE. I moved from having amazing, full time library aides to having no full time aide. I changed from having no district library supervisor to having and incredibly supportive one. I moved from not having a unified district library structure to having a very well structured program. So much was all new to me! Below are four tips to help you as you enter this new chapter of your life.

Get Connected

Being a school librarian can be a shockingly isolating profession, especially after having formed tight, supportive networks while you were a classroom teacher.  As a school librarian you are in a sort of no man’s land. You aren’t part of the teacher peer group, you aren’t part of the administrative peer group. Often, you are the only person in your school that works in and understands what it takes to run an active, engaging, supportive library.  Many school districts, unfortunately, often perpetuate this isolation by not allowing time for district librarians to meet and plan collaboratively which only exacerbates the isolation.

FIND YOUR PEOPLE

Don’t wait around for your district to connect you. Reach out to the other librarians in your district and find out what you have in common. Maybe your children both play softball, go to gymnastics, or dance class. Perhaps you could set up playdates, or other social interactions to get together outside the school day.  My favorite since my children are grown and out of the house is to set up weekend brunch/lunch meetings or after school dinner meetings. Talk, have fun, swap ideas and plan. Plus, it’s fun to have time away with friends who really get each other. Don’t stop there. Connecting with librarians outside of your school, district, and state, and country brings a unique worldview into your library program and enriches student learning.

Where To Find Your People

Twitter

Twitter is one of the best places you can go to connect, share, learn and grow with other school librarians and connected educators. Twitter is how I went from being a burned out educator to feeling like I never want to do anything else but teach.  Teaching before Twitter was lonely, frustrating, and boring. Teaching with Twitter is energizing, invigorating, fun, creative, and I never want to get off this ride of bringing awesome learning opportunities to my students and teachers.

There are a few secrets to truly harnessing the power of Twitter.  

Hashtags: By following, commenting, sharing, and connecting using hashtags you will maximize your own professional learning.  

Three hashtags I’d recommend for school librarians are:

#TLChat

#FutureReadyLibs

#ISTELib

Don’t limit yourself to just these hashtags. Make sure to connect using state education hashtags, makerspace hashtags, and educational technology hashtags as well.

Twitter Chats: Twitter chats are the scheduled conversations, usually in a Q/A format lead by a moderator or moderators that take place on a weekly or monthly basis.

Two places to find hashtags for you, your teachers, and administrators are:

Participate Learning Chats

Cybraryman’s Educational Hashtags

Facebook

        Facebook is a great place to join groups. A few of my favorite Facebook Groups include:

Future Ready Librarians

ISTE Librarians Network

The School Librarian’s Workshop

MakerSpaces and the Participatory Library

Professional Development Resources for School Librarians

Below are a few professional development resources where you can find your people and have official professional development at the same time.

Future Ready Librarians Webinars

Library 2.0 Webinar Series

ISTE Librarians Network Professional Development

I owe my much of my success to my PLN. Without their strength, support, guidance, ideas and more I would not be able to accomplish so many of my professional and personal goals.  Through social media connections I have developed true friendships with other librarians and educators who will cry with you and lift you up when you are struggling and laugh, dance, and celebrate with you when you are successful.

Be Fearless

Be fearless even if you are trembling on the inside.  Be the one who demonstrates that it is ok to not know something but be willing to learn, fail, and start again. We need to model for both our students and our teachers the willingness to not know everything and the need to not control everything.  

While I am in no way a fan of being on a fixed schedule as part of the Specials rotation, was awesome to have a captive audience to try out new ideas garnered through my incredible and diverse PLN (Professional Learning Network).  I loved learning about a new technology, app, website, craft, and more and knowing that I could go into work the next day and try it out with the kids even if I didn’t really know how to do it myself. Part of the fun was learning right along with the students and letting them teach me!

We also need to assist our teachers with expanding collaboration beyond the school building to forge authentic real world learning opportunities with others across the country and around the world using video conferencing tools like Google Hangouts, YouTube Live, and Skype. Events like Read Across America, World Read Aloud Day, International Dot Day, Andy Plemmons’ Picture Book Smackdown, Elissa Malespina’s virtual debates, Stony Evans’ #StonyStories empowering students to be in house PD and national presenters, National Poetry Month/Poem in Your Pocket Day, Mystery Skype, and so many more events can be made exponentially better by connecting with other schools celebrating or doing the same things.  I love that Shannon Miller put together a Google Document this past year where we can all share monthly Library Celebrations, any of which could be made collaborative.  

One new technology I want to use this year is #GridPals via FlipGrid. I introduced my students and school to FlipGrid during my first year.  Students, teachers, administrators, and parents could all contribute to our two FlipGrid topics; Book of the Day and Quote of the Day.  These grids were then incorporated into our morning news show. That way the whole school community had an opportunity to be part of the morning announcements.  

This year I want to connect my students through the new #Gridpals program. While FlipGrid has a Google Form where you can connect your students with other students around the world, you can always team up with another teacher or teachers you know to do something similar on your own.

I challenge you this year to be fearless! Part of being fearless is stepping out and trying new things even if you have never tried them before.  The willingness to learn and put yourself out there even if failure ensues (and it will) is the most fearless thing you can do!

Remember That You Are HUMAN

Entering a brand new chapter as a school librarian I set an impossibly high bar for myself in part because I knew what I had been able to do in my past schools.  I failed to take into account all of the supports that I had in place in my old schools that I no longer had in my new school; a full time aide, a flexible schedule, student library aide (a great high school perk), and more.  

I worked myself at a frenzied pace to try to meet my own unrealistic goals. I weeded a collection that had not been weeded properly in twelve years with the help of my new district library supervisor, Becky Calzada. I genrefied the collection. I ripped shelving off the walls, moved and discarded furniture, and took apart and rearranged the circulation desk. I started a morning news show for our school’s morning announcements. I created makespace style centers and introduced cool new technologies to the kids like green screens, robotics, coding, and more. My third through fifth grade students created and maintained digital portfolios.

I found myself working all night at home and all weekend just to keep up with all the tasks I had heaped on my professional plate. I was exhausted, frustrated, angry, and after just the first year at my new school I was quickly moving into burnout mode.

Then I talked to my library hero and mentor, Jennifer Lagarde.  After attentively listening to my woes she said, “What advice would you give another librarian if they were saying these same things to you?”  Jennifer also asked, “Would you talk to another librarian the way you are talking to yourself?” Wow! Jennifer’s words really made me stop and think.  

I would advise another librarian to choose just one goal for each school year and concentrate on that. I’d also say, “Give yourself a break. Celebrate the cool things you are doing rather than beating yourself up over the things you aren’t doing.”  Being a connected educator is great for ideas and support from people who “get you” but can also make you feel as if you aren’t doing enough. As long as students are your main focus you are moving in the right direction. You are not a superhero. You are a beautiful, wonderful, talented human being with much to offer to your new students, staff, administrators, parents, and community members.

Make Community Connections

The PTA, parents, and grandparents this first year in Texas were my saving grace. I was so fortunate to have an involved and supportive PTA.  They took charge of the first Scholastic Book Fair of two booked by the previous librarian for the school year. I still felt as if I was drowning when that first book fair came around and couldn’t have possibly done it without them.

I was also blessed with some pretty incredible parent and grandparent volunteers.  With over 800 students and a tight back to back fixed schedule the ability to just shelve books was overwhelming.  My two grandparent volunteers, Ms. Gloria and Ms. Jean came every Tuesday and Thursday to shelve books. Whew! If it weren’t for them I would be buried under piles of books.  Ms. Phan, Ms. Bercu, Ms. Roberts, and Ms. Williams were also great helpers, often coming in to shelve books but also to help out with our library center activities.

My new school also hosted a WatchDog Dads program. My very basic understanding of the program is that the dads come to school with their kids and help out where needed but also spend time with their kids in class.  Just at moments when I thought I would just curl up into a ball and start crying, a WatchDog Dad would walk into the library and save me. One day in particular the Internet went out which meant my book checkout system was down as were most of my center activities. I was frantically trying to devise a plan when three WatchDog Dads walked into the library. Together we quickly came up with a plan of action and the day was saved!

My principal and front office staff also helped me out by sending substitute teachers to the library whenever they had a planning period on their schedule. I liked this because I could learn more about the school and community by talking and making friends with them. I can’t believe I went 25 years without knowing you could have substitutes help out like that!

Final Thoughts

More than any other advice I can give I think the most important things you can do as a new librarian is have fun, don’t take yourself too seriously, and always put serving others with joy (even when you don’t feel joyful) before all other tasks (management tasks can wait...people are more important).  

Want to read my 5 Tips for New School Librarians (and those who aren't so new) posted summer of 2017?  Click HERE and enjoy!

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[empmoniitor]

REMOTE WORK – TEAM COMMUNICATION CHEAT SHEET FOR ALL TEAM MEMBERS

To work together and to ensure success, your team should communicate well. Communication is the key to business success. Rightly said – To survive and thrive, it is very important to have an effective remote team communication strategy.

Doing remote communication with your team is easier when you will approach it in the right way. When the communication is good, it works amazing, each of your team members comes together, and you all see them around each other.

But how do teams communicate the right way? Here are some of the tips and tools which we recommend –

KEEP A REGULAR CHECK-IN

Working Remotely seems to be a very lonely thing. So it is very necessary to keep a check with your remote employees daily. You can initiate video call meetings using tools like zoom, google hangouts to bring with ideas, work, or just to catch up. Plan at least 2 meetings every week and keep yourself ready for Adhoc calls. Talk to your team members every single day. Discuss everything, and share thoughts, ideas with each other.

By keeping a check on your remote employees regularly, you will be able to know the status of current or future roadblocks before they arise to become an issue.

In order to track the progress, you can also create a daily activity report template. It will make it easier and faster to track daily check-ins. That way, you can track problems and progress that may otherwise go unnoticed or fall to the wayside in a remote setting.

CREATE AN OFFICE CULTURE ONLINE

Before starting with this point I want to ask one question – the day your workplace turned full-time remote, what exactly do you miss? Most likely, the people. Company culture is what makes a perfect work environment.

The way how people perceive each other, culture is formed. It may mean a quick conversation while preparing coffee or getting a happy hour after work. Employees want to be respected and valued wherever they work. You don’t have to come up with major rewards or glamorous decorations to prove that you respect your workers. A quick celebratory blog or infographic shared with the whole team can be a perfect way to prove you respect the good work they have accomplished.

But aside from honoring and celebrating workers, how can you build the corporate culture when all of you operate remotely? Communicate with your peers frequently while operating remotely. Don’t be afraid to chat, and more, on anything you’d be at the workplace. Share pictures of your meal, your dogs or babies. People are going to be looking for a human connection after a few days.

You can bring the office culture online with initiating digital events and hangouts. You can also create fun online activities which is one of the finest ways to bring the office culture to your entire staff too. Polls, Quizzes, Storytelling, discussions about popular movies, tv shows are enough. It is not compulsory that your work chat should be all about work. You can even host an online Trivia night where your remote employees can play with each other. You can create an online simple invitation and send it to your employees so that they know about every single digital event.

TAKING CARE OF TIME ZONES

Addressing time zone variations will save a lot of hassle and confusion for remote teams upfront. This might sound like a trivial problem but a remote team needs to know the time zones of everybody. This is probably one of the toughest challenges a simulated team will encounter regularly.

Time zone can truly have a huge impact on a company’s efficiency. When arranging meetings the managers should check the time zones of all their remote team members and ensure that they don’t allow anyone to go online too early or remain unreasonably late.

One smart thing that you can do is to provide a time zone conversion app to everyone and ask to use it whenever the scheduling of the meeting is done. Make sure to keep everyone in your team in the loop.

COMMUNICATION PLAN IS NEEDED

Communication between remote teams typically doesn’t happen organically; a plan is required to push it. Since teams are not in a co-located workplace together, everybody has to be diligent about developing a plan for communication—one that can function not just inside departments, but also one-on-one with managers and workers.

Managers and company executives should schedule weekly meetings with their employees. Create a well-planned structure of every project, assign tasks, and systematize the workflow. Also, Managers, team leads should carry out one-on-one meetings with team members to closely work on projects. There should be transparency in the communication process. The team heads should have honest and open conversations with their remote workers about communication expectations. The clearer the expectations, the more successful the team will be at communicating.

USE EMOTICONS AND GIFS

When everyone is communicating through the written text, it is very difficult to understand how somebody is feeling. You cannot understand what the person is trying to say. While working on the office space you and your team can look at each other and can understand emotions. But while working remotely you cannot have face to face conversations. So, to eradicate this barrier, make your team use emoticons and gifs to express themselves.

For example – “Alex, I need to speak with you” can be interpreted to be happy, just neutral, or angry. Try to put smileys when you talk. “Alex, I need to speak with you :)” It will help Alex to sit back and relax and does not get stressed out for the coming conversation.

PROVIDE TRAINING AND INCENTIVES FOR CAREER ADVANCEMENT.

Offering immersive training programs is a perfect opportunity to show remote workers that you think for their growth and advancement at the company. There are a variety of technology courses accessible at places such as Udemy, or you can develop your training courses for issues like enhancing leadership and upgrading professional skills.

Also, Check Out Our Related Blogs –

Important Tips & Tools for Team Leads to Manage Remote Workers

09+ Creative Ways To Keep Your Remote Employees Engaged

05 Unbelievable Ways You Can Manage Remote Employees Effectively

THE TOOLS

For the remote team communication to go smooth, the most needed thing is the company’s digital toolbox. Employees can easily be led out of sight as there are no in-person interactions while working remotely. Therefore, it is very important to set up a tech stack that provides several ways for communication.

Some of the most excellent remote work software which allows smooth instant messaging, video conferencing, document collaboration, and meeting schedules are –

REMOTE TEAM COMMUNICATION TOOLS

1. ZOOM

For face timing with your remote team, Zoom is just the perfect tool. It is a video conferencing tool that is meant for both large and small group meetings. It also offers great mobile accessibility. It allows its users to create unique meeting URLs so that each meeting occurs in its own space. Google Hangout is the other alternative if your remote team needs a video conferencing tool.

2. GOOGLE CALENDAR

Google Calendar gives remote teams a simple and easy way to view and share team members’ calendars for smooth and seamless meeting scheduling. In case you need to set up a meeting with more than one person, you can look at the respective person calendars and find an open time slot.

Also, Google calendar provides its users with one setting that allows them to indicate their office working hours. If you have scheduled a meeting with a person outside your office timings, then a notification alert is sent to you. You can also add the Zoom Scheduler Chrome extension, which allows you to schedule Zoom meetings directly from your calendar.

3. SLACK

Slack is one of the most interesting chat tools which you and your team can use for casual conversations. It offers its users to initiate one-on-one chats or quick group conversations via streamlined channels. To add a little bit fun to your conversations you can add emojis, gifs as well. Also, you can make separate channels department wise, one for company announcements, one for project discussions, and so on.

4. GOOGLE DRIVE

One of the most important things which are needed for a remote team is document accessibility. And Google Drive is the most versatile and popular tool using which you can create google doc sheets, spreadsheets, sliders and can store them forever. Also, at one time these sheets can be accessed by multiple team members and can be updated or modified in real-time. Sharing the doc files is very easy and fast. You can even create folders and can share team drives for logos, images, important documents, etc.

Managing remote teams is all about keeping healthy team communication habits, alignment, and fostering the connections that help your remote teamwork better and faster. Also, you need to focus on creating culture, connecting with your team regularly, appreciating their achievements and efforts, and ensuring a personal touch.

Here, In this blog, I have got you the team communication cheat sheet and some great tools that you must use to keep the communication going. Start connecting and strengthening your remote team.

Originally Published On: EmpMonitor

[uwlittlemags]

Q&A with Apogee’s Alexandra Watson

Recently Apogee announced that it would no longer publish in print but that it would continue in a digital format. From its beginning in 2010, the journal has highlighted work from underrepresented writers, particularly writers of color. We chatted with executive editor and co-founder Alexandra Watson about Apogee’s history, its future and its final issue in print, no. 10, which will be on its way here to Special Collections in the coming weeks.

First tell us about yourself.

I teach a first-year essay writing course at Barnard College. I’m also a fiction writer. I have my MFA in arts and creative writing from Columbia. I’m mostly working on things for my classes, but I also have a novel project, about an epidemic of insomnia. It was inspired by the Portuguese writer José Saramago and his novel Blindness. I started discovering a lot of interesting research about sleep deprivation in the military, for example, and what it does to the psyche.

Why did you and fellow students at Columbia University start Apogee?

We were a part of a student group called Our Word at Columbia’s graduate writing program. The group (was) a place where writers of color and international students could talk about some of the gaps we were finding in the literature assigned for class, the way that fellow students were responding to our writing, and just the wider literary world and the imbalance of perspective. (Apogee) started as a way to make that student group have a tangible product or outcome.

In our first couple of issues, we focused on Columbia’s community, so we mostly published work by students in our program and across the Columbia community. After our second year, around 2012, we realized that the school itself wasn’t championing the cause of this journal, and there wasn’t necessarily a new crop of students who were passionate about taking the mission forward. So we decided to make the journal independent from Columbia, which really wasn’t that big of a step because they had never supported us financially. We started a Kickstarter campaign to get our second issue printed, and we expanded the field of people we were asking for contributions.

Since then, we tried to widen the pool of potential contributors not only by sharing online and in different social media platforms but also by hosting community workshops in New York, where we’re based, so that we keep expanding the idea of who is a writer and whose work is worthy of publication. We don’t want it to be just people who have an MFA or who are professionally connected to the writing world. We want to keep highlighting voices that may otherwise not make it to publication.

Have you published people who’ve participated in the workshops?

Yes, the majority of the writers we publish are emerging writers. In other words, they don’t have a long history of publication, they often don’t have any books published, (and) they haven’t won major awards. (For) about a quarter of the authors we publish, we are their first print publication. We’ve had not only people from our writing workshop published both on our online platform, Perigee, and in our (print) publication, we also had two members of our workshops join our editorial staff as readers.

Do you think other magazines and publishers are more likely today to seek out work from underrepresented writers?

I’ve definitely seen growth in especially online publications that explicitly seek to publish work by marginalized writers. The Offing is one good example. They have a mission that’s similar to ours: They seek out writing from writers of color, women writers, LGBTQ writers, differently abled writers, indigenous writers. For a time, they were an offshoot of the Los Angeles Review of Books, but they recently went independent.

A couple of other small journals come to mind: Winter Tangerine and Nat. Brut have similar missions as well. They have a great aesthetic; they’re beautifully designed. I think they have pretty small readerships, but having so many online platforms does give a wider range of representation than just having print publications like the literary journal world used to be.  

Can you elaborate on your plans for Apogee?

We’re still in the process of sorting through our transition. We’ve chosen to go in this direction mostly because we have a high-quality print product and aren’t able to print that many copies. We’re putting most of our energy into the production of the print journal, and not that many people get to see it and enjoy it. Our goal is to make the work more accessible.

We’re still playing around with what our schedule for the year will look like (and) whether we should just do a digital issue (and) keep things the same but make a PDF available for download. But I’m pretty sure that we are going to go in a direction that is more integrated with the website, more of a reading experience online. That will let us have more mixed media—for example, audio recordings of our contributors reading pieces, or video projects. We’re still trying to decide if we want that to be a regular, ongoing series or mini collections of work. By March, we’re hoping to have that pinned down and roll out our version of Apogee 2.0.

Did you consider other, less costly options for continuing in print?

We have. One of the things that increases our costs is that we do visual art. If we had all black and white and just text, that would be quite a bit less expensive. But visual art has become integral to our work, and the ways that the visual media can speak to the text and vice versa. We decided that rather than reverting to black and white, we want to create a high-quality digital product.

We’re thinking of doing an anthology of work (in print). We’d have an event around that. A lot of authors we’ve published have (since) published books or have gone on to gain more attention in the literary world. It would be really fun to celebrate all those accomplishments in one place.

How do you see literary magazines continuing to engage readers?

The subscription print model seems to be in decline for smaller publications. Places where they still have affiliation with a university department—those I see continuing. They have a lot of clout and institutional backing, and they do contests and often charge a small submission fee.

I think that there will be a growth of influence of smaller online publications as well—which may have different models of sustaining themselves, like holding events or doing workshops. Winter Tangerine does an online workshop, which I think is a brilliant model. They do sessions with a workshop leader over a Google Hangout video call. They organize prompts, share work over Google Drive and comment on one another’s work.

What are some of Apogee’s biggest accomplishments so far?

The way we have been able to identify writers as they’re on an upward trajectory. I like to think that we pushed them into the spotlight. I’m thinking of the poet Danez Smith, who we published a few years ago (and) who’s now a finalist for the National Book Award for Poetry; Morgan Parker, a poet whose book is getting a lot attention; and Kaitlyn Greenidge, whose novel has been getting critical acclaim.

We received a two-year grant from the New York State Council on the Arts. That was really exciting for us, because receiving a multi-year grant indicates the organization’s ongoing belief in us—that we’ll continue for at least another year. (Laughs.)

We did an online series on the No Dakota Access Pipeline movement, which featured mostly indigenous writers, (and) we did a series on sexual violence in the literary community. Those really engaged our community. There doesn’t have to be a strict divide between the social and political conversations going on and literature. In fact, literature should—and can—be deeply engaged with these issues.

Can you give us a sneak peek of issue 10?

I’m excited about publishing Amber Atiya and Belal Mobarak. I’m really excited about our visual art. Our cover image is from multimedia artist Victoria Sin. On the cover, Victoria is dressing in drag, and it’s just a really soft, beautiful image. There’s a really great story by Jon Lewis-Katz about a shop owner in Brooklyn, from Trinidad, who’s watching the changes brought by gentrification in the neighborhood.

Do you have advice for readers who want to be published in Apogee?

We’re looking for, especially in fiction and nonfiction, attention to the subjectivity and fully dimensional characterization of minority or marginalized characters or perspectives. That’s only one part of what we’re looking for, but we do have a more particular angle in that way. The first thing we look for is: Does this fit our mission? Does it seem to engage with some social or political issue, even if it’s not an outright political statement but dealing with the nuances of identity?

Just because we haven’t accepted (your) work before does not mean we wouldn’t accept anything, so keep submitting and to various publications. A good way to get a foot in the door is to volunteer to be a reader for a publication—it doesn’t have to be the publication you’re sending work to. Having that inside view of what editors are looking for can help you be attuned to those things in your own writing.

You can read back issues of Apogee in Special Collections on Memorial Library’s ninth floor. —Sarah Lange

[davewakeman]

Talking Tickets--22 May 2020! Bundesliga! Revenue! Rocking At The Drive-In! More!

Hey! 

Thanks for being here again this week. If you are enjoying this newsletter, tell your friends and colleagues to sign up by visiting this link.

Heading into the long weekend in the States, if that really even matters right now…here’s a video that came my way of The National performing a set around the time of their album, High Violet, which is excellent. I’m guessing that they won’t be playing their show at Wolf Trap, but if something changes…I’m there.

I had a chance to participate during Eric Fuller’s Rescue Meet on Tuesday along with Anthony Esposito and a few others from different areas of the industry. You can watch the replay here.

Don’t forget Happy Hour with me and Ken Troupe this afternoon. Ken has fixed the technology and we can definitely have more than 6 people or whatever crazy number kept getting folks bounced that one week.

To the tickets!

————————————————————————————————-

1. Events Are Starting To Come Back With Drive-Ins and Social Distancing: 

In the span of a few moments, we went from having the first social distance concert to having it postponed, to having it back on again. Then we had a drive-in show with 600 cars!

While all of this is positive, the cluster developing at Bryant Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa shows that we still have to be cautious with our expectations and with the speed of being able to bring events back online and things back to normal.

Casinos in Las Vegas and Mississippi are going to be coming back soon. These aren’t live events, but I do think they will provide us an opportunity to learn about what safe openings and safe gatherings will look like or can look like.

The same can be said for the opening of museums, parks, and other places where folks gather to see art, hangout, and commune. Though I do wonder how marathons and big races are going to manage to come back in the near term…if you’ve never run the NYC marathon or seen it, social distancing is tough.

Th0ugh if you’ve never run the NYC marathon, put that on your bucket list.

All of this highlights the need to continue to watch what other countries are doing, try to learn best practices and to be cautious but creative like these mixed events in Norway. 

2. We will come back, but what will that look like? 

If the coronavirus has taught us anything in the States is that if you don’t have a lobbyist, you don’t have much of a chance of anything.

So far, live entertainment has been hurt about as much as any industry and we don’t have anything to show for it. Regular folks, are in the same boat for the most part. Maybe we should all go into banking or lobbying…

I did do some nerd reading this week and found an interesting piece about neoliberal economic policy and the coronavirus that put a few ideas into my head that I think we can all learn from in this crisis:

* The ideas lying around are important. * What is feasible and likely can change pretty quickly. * Ultimately, ideas change the world.

For all of us, this means a few important things…

* First, push our ideas of helping live entertainment recover. Countries around the world have varying plans for doing just that. In America, we definitely need to continue to push that agenda. My neighbor is a lobbyist and he’s explained the dark arts to me and I’ve worked on a presidential campaign, so I understand how ridiculous the whole process can seem and feel from the outside…and it is, just the people in the middle of it can’t let their own self-importance get in the way of recognizing how ridiculous it is.

* No idea is a crazy idea. You need crazy ideas to come up with workable solutions…look at the stuff above with drive-ins and social distance concerts.

* Show up and do the work. I’ve been talking about change, innovation, and evolution for my entire career…this stuff doesn’t come easy and it doesn’t come fast, but to give up now in the face of the need for innovation is just crazy. The industry needs everyone to be smarter, more thoughtful, and more creative.

I’ll cover economic models and ideas in point 5.

3. Football, Futbol, Soccer Saves Us?! 

Have you picked your Bundesliga team yet?

I’m still sticking with Bayern Munich because of their connection to Oktoberfest and beer!

Did y’all get a chance to catch any of the action from Germany over the weekend? I liked Haaland’s socially distanced goal celebration, but I have to say it was still weird watching football without fans.

On top of the Bundesliga, we also are going to see the return of the Liga FPD as well. (That’s the Costa Rican soccer league.) (ESPN will be showing their games.) (My team is Limon FC…I’ll explain over drinks sometime.)

The French league has already declared Paris Saint-Germain winners, but most of the other leagues around the world are attempting to finish their seasons with the Champions League looking to finish by August.

In the Premier League, we are seeing a lot of caution.

But it will be great to see the EPL return since all of Spurs injured players are back…but we all long for the return of home-field advantage. 

In South Korea, there was a little story that likely gives folks a bit to think about with “unique” partnerships!?

And, if the Grand Final can have fans, I’m hoping that I can be there.

A couple things here:

* I’m glad to have sports back to watch. * Keep paying attention to what is working and what isn’t. * Constantly ask yourself what you are learning from all of these experiences and these events so that you come out of this stronger than before.

4. Arts Have Always Come Back, Yeah! 

I’ve been saying it for months now, people will come back eventually. To think otherwise is to laugh in the face of thousands of years of recorded history.

The challenge in the short term is what will this coming back look like, how quickly will folks feel comfortable, how many financial challenges will we be dealing with, and whether or not we get the marketing challenge correct.

This virus and the financial conditions created by the shutdown of economies around the world have created the most challenging environment for the arts and entertainment in any of our lifetimes, true fact. But the virus and the financial crisis has also highlighted a lot of bad business practices, poor business models, and the need for more innovative thinking any many places.

The challenges that everyone are dealing with aren’t unique to one area of the industry. I mean, movie theatres, musuems, and bars are feeling the pinch as well. Everyone is in the entertainment and hospitality industry.

In speaking at Eric Fuller’s Rescue Meet event this week, I come back to a couple of ideas that seem to sum up where my thinking is this week:

* Creativity and innovation need to be at the front of everyone’s thinking. * Cooperation is going to be key to being successful going forward. * There won’t be a one-size-fits-all plan or approach to coming out of this. And, we have to recognize that earlier rather than later.

5. The Way To Generate Revenue Is Going To Need Some Attention: 

I’m doing a webinar on Tuesday, 26 May with Frederic Aouad from Stay 22 on revenue and creating revenue opportunities now.

Two sessions: 9 AM EDT and 2 PM EDT. We wanted to give folks a chance to join if they were in markets outside of the US or mainland Europe.

The genesis of the idea came out of someone grabbing my notes off the stand at INTIX in Dallas and how I had to come up with a presentation on revenue on the fly. 

Revenue numbers have been in the news a lot the last few weeks as we saw Adam Silver talk about how about 40% of the NBA’s money comes from fans going to games. This week, we saw MLB’s owners share that playing games without fans will cost about $640,000 in losses per game!

I’d always thought the NFL had a little less reliance on in-game revenue, but a report this week put the number at around 38%.

For minor league sports, the threat is even more severe.

So we see that tons of money is still tied up in getting people to get into the games when they are played.

Which really begs a serious question: if getting fans into the stadium is so important, why has the sales and marketing models of the teams in the States been stagnant for so long?

The hard truth is that in Europe, Australia, New Zealand, and many other markets, the creativity to capture more of their fan base has existed for a lot of time and we have to get on-board. I had David Fowler on my podcast before the lockdowns started, but he appeared on Richard Clarke’s podcast this week and talked about his ideas in the context of the coronavirus and I think listening to these guys can be useful. David’s big three are content, creativity, and community.

This all comes up in light of the need to rethink where the money comes in from, this week Kirk Wakefield wrote up a piece about how little folks actually notice sponsors during games. Which was paired with the idea that MLB teams might cover seats with sponsored tarps to help recapture some revenue from not having fans in the ballpark.

And, don’t even get me started on “impressions”, “likes”, and that sort of thing that is basically meaningless but easy to measure. Even though there have been lawsuits about the accuracy of a lot of these social web measurements.

Revenue going forward is going to need a lot of thought, but I’ll offer up three things to consider now:

* The way tickets are marketed and sold needs some serious attention. The folks that have invested in their fans over the years are the exceptions that prove the rule. We all need to rethink marketing and selling practices…which should have been a priority before but when you could just easily raise prices, sell to brokers and consolidators, and fall back on “tickets distributed” as the way you reported attendance…YOLO!

* Investigating where folks are doing things better or where we can learn is going to create a lot of opportunities. What can we all learn from a professional services brand? What can we learn from the school bake sale? A nonprofit? There are millions, or more, examples to learn from.

* I said this in a very pointed way that was likely a bit ruder than I wanted to say it at INTIX in Dallas, but none of us are limited in the way that we make money and generate revenue…we are limited by our creativity and that’s the biggest challenge we are dealing with, limiting our creativity to predetermined ideas and solutions. And, I get it, there are real challenges facing everyone right now, but that should cause everyone to be a lot more creative.

As MJ said, “BREAK!”

—————————————————————————————————————-

What am I up to this week?

Check out my webinar with Frederic and the folks from We Will Recover. I’m working on getting two or three exclusive blog posts and articles up on the We Will Recover site from some of the smarties I know from around the world including a really great piece from my friend, Georgia, down in Sydney.

The podcast is sitting there with over 100 episodes. I’ve been trying to think about what form, if any, it takes going forward and I’ve come up with an idea now that I think will work for me and offer value to all of y’all. I’m going to focus on the future and I’m going to bring in more folks from my work on strategy and marketing that don’t always touch the world of entertainment as a way to introduce more ideas and a different viewpoint.

Visit my site, www.davewakeman.com.

Please follow and like us:

Talking Tickets–22 May 2020! Bundesliga! Revenue! Rocking At The Drive-In! More! was originally published on Wakeman Consulting Group

[dorothydelgadillo]

What’s It’s Like to Work in Tech Without a Tech Background

I’m a Junior Editor here at Skillcrush—my job is to work with our editorial team to edit this website you’re reading at this very moment. When you picture editing, you probably think about someone staring at long blocks of text on a computer and making cuts or even marking up a manuscript with a big red pen. And you’re not wrong—a lot of editing does look like that. It can be super low-tech and there are certainly editing jobs that don’t require any tech skills. But those are becoming fewer and farther between, and as someone who doesn’t come from a tech background, it was clear that my career wasn’t moving in any positive direction taking the analog approach. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the changing media landscape if I were only to rely on my red pen. I never expected this, but if I wanted to keep editing with any type of job security, I’d need to start applying my tech skills—and up skill—to my career as an editor.

When I started at Skillcrush, I had just the basics of HTML under my belt and a solid background in tech skills like video production and sound editing. There was still a learning curve with the amount of skills I needed to gain to be a digital editor, but luckily, picking up things on the fly is kind of my favorite thing, and learning tech skills isn’t exactly a huge time investment.

In addition to more job security, moving from media to tech gives me flexibility I couldn’t have imagined—especially in the form of remote work. Since I began this position seven months ago, I’ve logged in everywhere from Ohio, to Chicago, to Dallas, to Martha’s Vineyard! A typical day for me is filled with equal parts chatting with coworkers, organizing marketing strategies, adding to my growing tech skills, and of course, a lot of writing! Here’s a breakdown of how I spend my time.

7:30 a.m. On a good day, I like to get up, start the coffee, and prioritize my to-do list before jumping on the computer. I’m currently based in Brooklyn and live with roommates—three human, one feline—who all work outside the home (except aforementioned feline, who is my daily co-worker). Mornings can be quite busy at our place, with people vying for bathroom and kitchen space. I like to avoid the cluster and sip my coffee while plotting out the day or catching up on reading for one of my book clubs. (Right now, I’m very behind in three of the book clubs, but doing okay in one. Making a mental note to carve out some extra reading time this week.) Taking time to assess what I need and want to get done for the day has been critical while adjusting to my position with Skillcrush. I also have a background in the arts, and enjoy having several side projects going in addition to my day job, so its vital that I create at least two—usually three—daily to-do lists to address the separate needs of each facet of my life.

9:00 a.m. Time to log on! Depending on the day of the week and what projects I’m helping facilitate, I may get on a little earlier to make sure things are running smoothly. Skillcrush was my introduction to many tech tools, but the one that has most dramatically reshaped my thinking is SCRUM.

My day runs on the principles of SCRUM—a project management strategy that began in the software industry and is now widely used to track projects and help keep team members connected. We use a program called JIRA to track our SCRUM progress, which allows us to break projects down into smaller tasks and move them from To Do, to In Progress, to Done. I love this system because—as I mentioned above—I love checklists! SCRUM also bakes in time to check in daily, to have hard and fast deadlines, and to spend time looking back over the last working period (these are called sprints) to see what went well and what needs to change. In fact, I’ve just finished implementing SCRUM to every facet of my personal, creative, and professional lives and use free online tools to manage my own projects. (Airtable and Trello, I love you.) I’ve been SCRUM-ing my life for about a month now, and I’m already seeing improved results. So first thing in the morning, I’m likely looking at our JIRA dashboard to see what tasks I need to do today, see if there’s anything I need to run by my co-workers, and make a plan for what I hope to move to the Done column by the end of the day.

Oftentimes, the first thing on my agenda is to build posts in our content management system, WordPress. Sometimes I think of WordPress as the coworker with whom I spend the most time. WordPress is a staple for any editor—tech or otherwise—since so many sites run on the platform. Every story that appears on our site has to be formatted and scheduled through WordPress, which requires some HTML know-how. One of my big goals right now is to dive deeper into HTML and to finish learning PHP, the coding language associated with WordPress.

In the last minutes before I start our big meeting blog, I spend a few minutes every morning checking in on our social media platforms like Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. This ends up being one the most fulfilling aspects of my day, since the Skillcrush community is so active, funny, and supportive. Getting to celebrate goals with students, check out the work they’re posting, and laugh at the latest corgi gif being passed around is a pretty perfect way to start the day.

11:00 a.m.—1:00 p.m. The Marketing Team works across several time zones, and 11 a.m. is our sweet spot for daily check-ins, planning, weekly reviews, and the hottest gossip about everything from goat yoga to paragliding. We use Google Hangouts to connect with each other, as well as the chat program HipChat to talk throughout the day. Though it was weird only connecting on video at first, I now absolutely love the balance between facetime and digital chatting. Having focused meeting time makes it easier to concentrate on hitting goals, and makes my workday way more efficient—and we use this time for my favorite thing: SCRUM! Every day we have a 15 minute daily check in where we provide updates, resolve blockers, or ask for support, and then we either have a planning session for our next sprint, a presentation of the sprint that’s just ended, or a review of how we think the sprint went. There’s also one-on-one meetings with my boss or worksessions with other coworkers where we collaborate on projects.

1:00 p.m.—2:00 p.m. Lunchtime! Stepping away from the computer for a bit helps me to refocus after a block of meetings, so I try to force myself to take this break. It can be tempting to just keep going, but I need the down time so that I can shift into writing or editing—which for me requires more uninterrupted concentration.

Since I have chronic back pain and often have trouble sitting for long periods, I also use my lunch break to do yoga or go to a class at a local studio around the corner from my apartment. I feel super strongly about how the flexibility of remote work helps me to accommodate my physical needs—which change day to day—and have often been difficult to work around at other jobs. Although this daily exercise may seem insignificant, it has radically improved my physical and mental well-being.

3:00 p.m.—5:00 p.m. The second half of my day is reserved for writing and editing, since it’s usually not as meeting-filled as the morning. I start by checking in with the Editorial team about what stories we’re working on, what stage my teammates are in, and what we need to plan for in the coming weeks. Then it’s knocking out edits, fact checking, telling our writers what changes I need from their articles, marking the stories as done and ready to be built in WordPress the following morning. I also write a fair amount of articles for the site, so that means researching, interviewing experts, and then—of course—the actual writing. My favorite editorial task is interviewing Skillcrushers—both current students and alumni—for articles we run about learning to code, remote life, or their winding career paths. I’ve picked up so many new tips and tricks just from having to do research for this position, everything from how to timebox my day like a pro, to what houseplants I almost certainly can’t kill.

6:00 p.m.—10:00 p.m. After work I like to cook dinner, look at my personal and creative to-do lists, and start knocking some things out before I have to hit the hay. In a perfect world I get to roll into bed around ten, read for a bit, and the turn out the lights. But living in Brooklyn, there always seem to be events, creative meet-ups, dinners, or other fun things to attend, that often keep me out later—what a great problem to have! Depending on what kinds of artistic projects I’m working on that are most pressing, I’ll look for events that sound like they’ll help me network or will add to my skill set. Often, I’m working on deadline and am stuck drawing or editing right up till bedtime, but the satisfaction of finishing something I love is totally worth the late nights. And, having a packed schedule forces me to be more conscious of my time and more organized at the beginning of every day. So whether I’m logging in from my house or the highway, I know what I need to do and how long it should take me. In another seven months, I’ll be moving onto new coding languages, video calling in from even crazier places, and still touting the magic of SCRUM—watch out.

from Web Developers World https://skillcrush.com/2018/02/01/working-in-tech-without-a-tech-background/

[aafnakura]

A letter to the “Moon Brother”

Dear जून भाइ, 

I should have written something about you long before. It has already been more than 3 years that you are gone. You and I had shared such deep and profound moments together, you were always there one way or other, whenever I created something. As I have always admitted, “Everything that I wrote, I wrote not only my words.” Those were your words, those were somebody else’s words. I was just the designer and I just had the right placement. That’s all. 

I remember when I was newly introduced to you as my cousin. You were just another little brother for me. You spent time in the village and you were trying to find your way to mold yourself in the city’s big canvass. For the sake of courtesy, we were meeting in the family/relatives’ gatherings. It was just a “hi”, “hello” thing. I was actually fond of your father when I was a kid. He was good then. But I always hated your grandmother; who is my father’s aunt (my grandfather’s youngest sister). 

I can’t assume what your father or your grandmother wanted you to be or shape you in what way. But you were an adolescent who was on the edge of finding own identity. The way they wanted you to see the world was absolutely different from how I wanted it to be. But I was in no way to guide you or control you. Myself, I was developing over the course of time; finding meaningful companionship and creative outsourcing. The only thing I tried to do was not to deprive you from the resources that I had on my reach and which you were interested in. When some of our interests matched, we met so often. My friends became like your elder siblings. You became an affectionate younger brother for them. 

I was watching you grow every time; as a person, as an adolescent, as an art enthusiast and as a people friendly individual. Over the course of time, your father and grandmother were happy that you became such an outgoing person and you were having the good company with some of the well-known people from the art fraternity. We were celebrating the festival gathering in the theater, sometime in 2011, I guess. And the next day’s newspaper and online had several pictures from the event and you were in some of those pictures. Your father and grandmother thanked me for that shift in your personality. Actually, they had requested me every now and then that I take you with me wherever I was going so that you would see the broad world and you will meet some well-known people and you will learn a lot. I didn’t have to intentionally do that because you were like a river yourself. You were flowing and you met other different rivers and together we made a sea. That was it. 

I am very selective with the people I really spend time with. You were one of them. Sometimes, for my profession, sometimes for the courtesy, sometimes for the respect of people who admire me and want to talk to me for a while: I had to spend some time. I can talk, spend time but there really are few people in whose company I can open up my heart. I don’t care if I get hurt. 

Then something came up. You were a much more grown up person and you reached your emerging adulthood phase. Both you and I were thinking about going to a 10 day meditation camp. None of us inspired or provoked or forced or convinced (or whatever the word is) each other. It just happened to be at the same schedule we went there. And our parents were happy that the cousins were together for the camp. They were less worried. Here, I must say, you are an individual and I am an individual. Together, we have one dimension and we have another dimension when we are single entities. Neither of us could sneak into each other’s body or mind and alter anything or know everything about how you and I are thinking or what you and I want as an individual. 

We were abide by the rules and regulations of the place so we couldn’t communicate. I don’t know what you went through or how you received those 10 days, but I was very clear on how I felt and how I received those days. I wrote a memoir which was published on one of the national dailies. After that, I was reaching out to the friends and hangouts even more because I am a kind of person who likes the subtle touches, good warm hugs and the spontaneous conversations with friends for hours. I missed all of those when I was in the camp, meditating. So that’s how it worked for me. I tried to compensate for those 10 days. It worked the other way for you. 

Later, I found out, you were meditating as per the techniques you learnt from that camp. And it was not only the meditation, but you were also showing some unusual behaviors. Nobody could believe that you wrote, “I want freedom” on the ceiling, with your pencil. Those big letters were imprinted on my heart right away. And there were other distorted images and letters which I couldn’t make sense of. My parents visited you. I visited you. I had to be in a photo story writing workshop. But I had asked you, “Do you want me to stay here with you?” And you had given me that faint smile and said, “No.” You were crowded by relatives; who were completely clueless about those unusual behaviors you exhibited. But everybody was anxious to come up with some kind of diagnosis. That’s how people’s psyche is. They know how to diagnose others. 

My father is an educated person. He is dependable. That’s one reason your father respects my father. Not only because he is your father’s cousin. As per my father’s suggestion, you were taken to the psychiatrist. You were having medicines. And these things don’t just get fixed in a single day. After a few days, your father came to my house, started to threaten me, saying that I should be in a jail if something happens to you. It was all blame, blame and blame. The same person who came to me years before, almost helplessly requesting me to take you with me so that you would be more outgoing and communicative; the same person: was now blaming me for provoking you to go to the meditation. And I still feel disgusted, when I remember how ridiculously he said that I came out from there fine and his son came out as a lunatic. As if we were in a war zone or that was a matter of life and death. 

“He was good but you took him to the theaters to see the play, you gave him the books to read, you took him to those film festivals and you were hanging out with those people and blah blah…..” 

I never hated you Joon Bhai. But I am a very sensitive person. I couldn’t take it. People didn’t want me to see you but I know why you wrote “I want freedom” in those big letters. I had seen how things were developing on your end. Your father was a pathetic and miserable person. An asshole, to be precise, (I don’t judge people but he is) who always clearly signaled that your mother was ugly so he was having an affair and he would like to marry somebody and blah blah. Your grandmother is a bitch (Again, I don’t judge people but she is). She always gave a hard time to my parents when I was a kid and we didn’t have a good living standard. But my parents, out of respect and out of courtesy; didn’t say a word and let her eat, stay, have stuffs on credit from the grocery stores (using my father’s goodwill because he was a local school teacher). And she always envied our side of the family tree. I can go on and on and on because I experienced them and heard them since my childhood. 

So, they wanted you to see the world their way which was different from my perspective. And, in between, you found your own way. But after your father created the scene like that, I had to go to the regular counselling sessions. And the tragedy is: the same doctor was counselling you at another hospital. I couldn’t take that. Somebody comes to my house, blames me for trying to kill somebody, creates a scene, embarrasses me; off course, I start having fear just by the sound of the opening gate. And specially when its some relative involved, just the ignorance or the yelling or the fightback is not enough. That is the whole different dynamics. I had that fear for several months. 

Time passed. I had to have a safe side for myself. So I didn’t meet you frequently. I never stepped on your house and even in the festival when we are supposed to get the blessings from the elders, I clearly said to my parents, “I am never going to that house again.” I could feel how you dealt with them, being the only kid and not having any siblings. I was watching you from distance. You were improving but because you were in medications, you looked swollen. You didn’t have that charisma that attracted people towards you. You joined the college and studied psychology. Once in a while, we met each other but I never made you feel distant even after all that happened. Once in a while, I used to find the same magnitude of laughter you had from before. You visited my cafe frequently because you knew, all the people you admired and you hanged out with were accessible in my cafe. You couldn’t resist that creative space I created. 

Everything looked okay at the surface. And, out of the blue, one morning, my father sent me the text and said you were no more. Samuna had stayed over at my place the previous night. So, I rushed to her, and threw myself on her lap and cried and cried and cried. You hung yourself against the beam of the staircase. That staircase which went to the terrace. For you, I assume it was the staircase to the heaven. 

This time, they didn’t have anything specific to blame me or somebody else. Some people are so much used to blaming, they will always find something. They don’t want to think, discuss and come up with good rationale. The very first thing they come up with is to throw a blame card. So they came up with your bachelors degree in psychology. You were recently working with the kids to heal them through different therapeutic tools, after the earthquake scared everybody. They also came up with the diagnosis that you should have been depressed after the earthquake and working with the kids and using your knowledge in psychology. People were very shallow that’s why they always came up with a shallow perspective that studying psychology means losing a person because that person is going to be a lunatic. Or say, a normal person cannot have a psychology degree or work on the field of psychology. Same is the thinking about spirituality. GROW UP PEOPLE!!!! Don’t be such a burden on humanity!!!!  

But you were so dear to me, I cried and cried and cried. That was one occasion when I was almost running out of the tears. I never cried that much in my entire life. You were taken to the cremation. I watched your pyre, burning bigger and brighter. You had a diary which my father kept with him because he didn’t want anybody to make comments based on that. He gave it to the investigating officers later. But I was able to read a few sentences where you had written about your mother. You had written, “Dad, please take care of mother. If possible, please replace all her teeth.” 

If I was the same person as I am today, I could have snatched your diary and read everything and connected all the dots and describe it to all of them. I would have been able to tell people what really went wrong. But nobody thought about talking to me as if I never existed in his life. And the pathetic things is: the third generation is not considered to be strong enough to take these things. Or, lets say, when the first and second generation people are there, who gives a fuck about what I think! We were never able to create an environment where everybody’s opinions would be accepted. And later I found out that nobody really cared why you hung yourself. I completely get it how it feels like when somebody loses a grownup child. But at least, they should have tried to find the reason for real, not to just give an assumption based information in the relatives’ gatherings. 

For the whole day and several weeks to follow, I had a very hard time coping up with your loss. I reported the Facebook to do something about your account so they put it as a “memorium” or something, as they do for the deceased persons’ account. 

Your father is still the same. He was throwing me comments after you were cremated. But I accepted them because he was the father of a recently cremated son. Though I hated him, I put myself on his shoes and tried to console him. I was very respectful and I was very cautious on how I was communicating with him. I didn’t want him to feel that loss again and again. I didn’t intentionally ignore him. Every time I saw or met him, I joined my palms and said “Namaste”. I thought time will heal everything. I did the mistake of communicating with him again. But that was a compulsion. My parents can’t ignore him because he is a close relative. And I know, I couldn’t have written it if he was somebody from my generation and if I had to take notice of all the social and family-relatives dynamics. My parents have to think about that. I tried hard to do the same. But not anymore. 

When I was coming to the US, your father sent me the message and said you could have come to the US if you were alive. But what bothered me was when he said I took your fate and deprived you of life and happiness and prosperity. He also said that I made you change like that which resulted him to join psychology instead and lost his mind and commit a suicide. I ignored once, I ignored twice and a few times, I also tried to have a good conversation with him and say that he should change the way he thinks about everything. I also told him that he is behaving like he is the most uneducated, uncultured, uncivilized and non-understanding person. But that didn’t work so I blocked him from all of my communications. I can’t stay unhealthy for my entire life just because your father wants to spit shit every now and then. 

But I must say, you were a very dear one Joon Bhai. You are in PEACE. You don’t have to deal with your father and grandmother again but I feel very sorry for your mother. She was and is very innocent. I didn’t take her words seriously because she never meant what she said. She was expressing what your father and grandmother had always expressed. Because she spent such a long time in their surroundings, she forgot she had her own opinions. She had lost her reasoning power long before. I still have no hard feelings for her. She was your mother, you were her son. But she never had a good reach on you. You father and grandmother had you all. So I have absolutely nothing against her. 

And I am writing this not because I want people to read it and hate your father and grandmother more. I am writing this because I had to, at some point in my life. I don’t want hate to overpower my memory in any way. From you, I learnt how to smile more often. You had that charisma when you smiled. After all of those happened, I think I have a different attitude towards approaching the bitterness that runs in the family and relatives circle. If not so, at least, I know I can step up and try to make things work. At least, I can step up for people I care despite of what everyone says or thinks or does. At least, I have the guts to say, “I am with you” or “I am here whenever you need me.”

[lauraramargosian]

Signs of being in a toxic and dead-end relationship!

Signs of being in a toxic and dead-end relationship!

It was George Washington who said “Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.” And that’s the truth because the people you surround yourself with will determine many of the choices you make in life. It will determine who you become in the long-term as well.

There will be times when life is on your side and sends you some amazing people but there will also be times when toxic friends come around and poison your ability to be truly happy and free. The biggest thing to remember is surrounding yourself with people who make you a better person will make you happier. And let go of those people who don’t help better your life. Here are some warning signs you’re in the presence of a toxic person with bad intentions.

It’s a one way street

They never make time for you unless it’s convenient for them. You’re always there for your friend or family member but when the time comes that you need help with something, they aren’t around to help.

This shows a lack of commitment. Now, I’m not saying they need to be there like you’re their King or Queen. But in a normal and healthy way (I’ve been a co-dependent before) and I learned that you cannot depend on someone to be there for your every need but it’s the important ones that count. You want to be around people who want to spend time with you. But if they can’t create some time to hangout when you always do for them, what’s the point?

Being in a relationship with someone who can’t see your worth is a waste. You should never have to beg for someone to give you attention. It should be common sense that if they love you, they’ll want to spend time with you often.

After all, isn’t that what a relationship is about? But guys, remember, it’s healthy to have “girls days,” and “guys days.” You don’t need to be by one another’s side for every little event. It’s healthy be apart and it’s builds trust into the foundation of your relationship. If you can’t trust your significant other to go out to lunch with a friend alone then your relationship needs some work in the trust department.

Making time for someone doesn’t mean consuming 99.9% of that time. It means creating special moments and memories.

Are they holding your growth back with your past?

The truth is some people will always refuse to accept you aren’t the same person you used to be in the past. They refuse to see that change can and does happen often, especially when someone wants to make changes in their life. And other times they might be pissed off that you are moving on with your life and will do anything to drag you down. (I have seen people let others drop out of school, give up on their dreams and start a life leading to the jailhouse). It’s the saddest thing in the world to witness especially when you know what the person is capable of achieving.

When it comes to a co-dependent person, it’s important to remember they are afraid of the future. They don’t like change and any positive or negative change causes them to “act out,” and they’ll do anything to keep you where you are at the train station in your life to avoid any change.

How do you expect to grow if you can’t do new things?

They’ll even go the extra mile and give you reasons why you can’t achieve the goals you have set in your mind by comparing your choices from your past. And they will continue to make you feel as though you didn’t learn enough to grow and become better.

This isn’t healthy and it’s unacceptable in any type of relationship. Do not put up with people who hold you back from reaching your fullest potential in life. Don’t let anyone discredit your dreams and abilities.

What you are capable of achieving is based upon what you choose to do with your time and energy.

Do you feel trapped?

Healthy relationships keep the windows and door open at all times. This means you can come and go as you please and you can go and do things with others without feeling guilty.

Have you ever been told “no you can’t go out tonight,” or “you have to stay home and spend the day with me,” when all you really wanted to do was spend time with family or some friends? If this is happening all the time, there’s a problem because you should have the freedom to what you please in life.

[ Rosie Huntington-Whiteley teaches us about respecting our relationships! ]

Are you losing track of the lies?

The word love is a verb, not a noun. And that means that it needs to be active in a relationship. Love isn’t merely just passion and romance between two people. It’s also a behavior among one another.

If you’re love has lied to you more than once, that’s a complete sign of disrespect toward your relationship. And when you keep someone in your life who is a chronic and compulsive liar you are setting yourself up for sadness.

Giving chances to someone chances who lies a lot makes you just as bad because you’re both lying and being unloving toward yourself and what you deserve. Why would should anyone keep a liar around in their life? If the truth is too hard to talk about then don’t put up with the treatment because those who lie will only tell you what you want to hear. They are good at wearing a different mask for each person they converse with in their life.

A person who lies only wants to use you for their own benefit. There’s nothing actually there proving respect, love and communication.

Do you support them with money, food and a place to live?

This is my favorite manipulation technique. (I’ve seen this happen more with guys in my life than women but it does happen between both sexes).

The problem isn’t just the fact that you’re supporting someone you love. The problem arises when your significant other doesn’t seem to hold a job for more than week. They get fired all the time and complain that any type of work is too hard.

If you’re guy or girl is too lazy to get a job and hold one then you’re being used. All you have to do is look at their actions.

What do they do at home? Do they make you dinner because you’ve been at work all day? Are they proactive about finding work? Do they try everything they can to bring money into the house with you? Or do they sit around all day smoking, drinking and watching Netflix?

If you’re finding yourself broke, working check to check to support someone else’s dirty habits when they aren’t willing to make a positive change in their life, you deserve better.

There are many unhealthy behaviors that can signal a toxic relationship but these ones seem to be some of the bigger red flags in relationships. What would you guys add to the list of red flags to look for in relationships? Let us know in the comments below.

Blessed be.

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