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Not sure if this will bring any comfort - but even in a heirachial poly relationship, I am still my first priority - and I would hope that would be the case for everyone. I'm a useless partner, friend, parent, coworker etc. if I'm not taking care of myself first.

That being said the feelings are valid and normal. The best thing I can do with tough feelings is sit with them, identify them, and give them space before either letting them go or seeking solutions. Especially with anxious attachment.

Changing my perspective to the idea that my partners DO prioritize me - we wouldn't be in a relationship otherwise. "Comparison is the theif of joy," instead of comparing myself to their other priorities I can find contentment in knowing I am a priority. I am someone they make time for and want in their lives - and we each find ways to fit into each other's vast universes.

It's also ok to say, "hey love, I need some dedicated time to feel more connected with each other. What can fit into our schedules?" Sometimes I just need a phone call or a cuddle date to remind me that I am valued.

And if your partner(s) aren't putting forth any effort - it's also ok to say it's not working and you deserve better.

There's a lot in (non-hierarchical) polyamory to navigate with an insecure attachment style, but I'd say that the thing that I wrestle with the most is the loneliness of knowing I'm not anyone's first priority.

I intentionally cultivate a lot of independence in my relationships and very much value having a broad support network to share the labor of love. However, as someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style, it haunts me that the only person I can depend on to put me first is *me*. And frankly, I'm not very good at it. (Yet.)

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Polyamory and Practicalities: How Scheduling, Communication, and Boundaries Play a Rolel

Polyamory is often romanticized as a whirlwind of love and connection, but behind the scenes, successful polyamorous relationships require significant effort, especially when balancing multiple partners. It’s not just about the love—it’s about the logistics. For those new to the concept or exploring the idea, here’s a glimpse into the practicalities of polyamory and why scheduling, communication, and boundaries are essential.

Scheduling: The Jigsaw Puzzle of Love

We are finite in time, and in polyamory, dividing it fairly among partners can feel like piecing together an intricate puzzle. Without careful planning, it’s easy to fall into the trap of prioritizing one partner over another or neglecting personal downtime altogether.

Here are a few tips for navigating the time-management aspect of polyamory:

1. Use a Shared Calendar: Apps like Google Calendar are lifesavers for polycules. Everyone involved can see availability and plan dates or events accordingly.

2. Prioritize Quality Time: It's not about how much time you spend but the quality of the time together. Whether it’s a romantic dinner or a Netflix binge, focus on creating meaningful moments.

3. Balance Personal Needs: Don’t forget to carve out solo time for self-care and reflection. Constant socializing can lead to burnout, even in the most fulfilling relationships.

Communication: The Heartbeat of Polyamory

Communication is already vital in monogamous relationships, but in polyamory, it’s the cornerstone that holds everything together. Miscommunication or lack of clarity can create tension, jealousy, or misunderstandings.

Here’s how to keep communication strong:

1. Be Transparent: Share your feelings, needs, and concerns openly. This includes discussing your availability, emotional state, and any changes in circumstances.

2. Active Listening: It’s not just about talking; it’s about truly hearing and understanding your partner’s perspective.

3. Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time to discuss how everyone is feeling about the dynamic. Use this space to address any concerns, celebrate the positives, and adjust boundaries if needed.

Boundaries: The Safety Net

Boundaries are not about restrictions; they’re about creating a framework that allows everyone to feel safe and respected. Each person in the relationship should feel empowered to set their own boundaries and have them honored.

Important aspects of boundary-setting include:

1. Defining Relationship Types: Are certain activities exclusive to specific partners? For example, some people reserve sexual intimacy or certain rituals for a primary partner.

2. Emotional Boundaries: Be clear about how much emotional labor you can offer and what support you need in return.

3. Respecting Autonomy: Recognize that each partner has their own life, needs, and desires. Avoid micromanaging or imposing restrictions without mutual agreement.

The Challenges and Rewards

Balancing scheduling, communication, and boundaries isn’t always easy. There will be moments of conflict, missteps, and learning curves. However, when these elements are handled thoughtfully, the rewards are immense: deeper connections, personal growth, and the joy of loving freely and authentically.

Polyamory, at its core, is about celebrating love in all its forms. The logistics may take effort, but they’re a small price to pay for the richness and fulfillment that a polyamorous life can bring.

Whether you’re a curious newcomer or already exploring polyamory, remember that it’s a journey, not a destination. Patience, empathy, and a willingness to adapt will always be your greatest tools.

What are your thoughts on navigating the practicalities of polyamory? I’d love to hear your experiences or insights in the comments!

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Absolutely not. Love is limitless, but time and energy has its limitations.

It depends on what each of us is able/willing to do, is comfortable with, and what agreements we might make.

I think the key is to be mindful of expectations. I had a partner who wanted me to call every day, which was something I was willing to do. The problem was, if I missed a day they'd get upset, almost as if I broke a rule (and I don't like rules). While they'd claim to understand the need for some flexibility (I have health issues and other responsibilities) in reality I'd receive passive aggressive responses.

Meanwhile, I have a play partner I communicate with every few months when they're in town. I have a LDR, sometimes we text every day, sometimes every couple months. I have a new partner, we text almost every day - but without the expectation that we "have" to. My primary and I live together, so we naturally have to talk every day.

I've realized I perfer if my partners reach out to me because they want to and feel inspired to rather than feel obligated. If you want to talk to me then talk to me and I'll respond when I can - and I'll do the same.

What I love about poly is that we're not the center of each other's universe. We connect when we can and simply love each other.

genuinely asking the community, feel free to respond as little or as much as you want: do you guys think you should/need to speak to every single one of your partners every single day?

i personally don’t know what i think bc i don’t think not speaking for short whiles is that much of a big deal but i also like hearing from my partners a lot so idk 🤔 i’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on this tho bc i know monogamous ppl feel strongly abt this one lol

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It takes time to get to know someone and allow a relationship to naturally evolve. I'd be wary about starting relationships with 4 different people at once - let alone jumping into a polycule where there are pre-established relationships between partners where there can be a power imbalance that leads to inequality.

That being said, with any relationship it's important to prioritize one-on-one time with each partner, dating is partially meant to get to know each other, create bonds, and establish the relationship. With multiple new partners at once the biggest difficulty is usually scheduling.

Wishing you all the best!

Need some advice, I'm in a 4 person polycule and I'm the newest person, I wanna get to know my partners more but they kinda don't talk about themselves and don't really want to talk about ourselves? Idk I'm demi and I wanna get to know them better but it feels kinda hard

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As my last relationship was ending she literally asked me in an angry text, "what do YOU even bring to the relationship?"

I was so dumbfounded, I didn't realize I had to bring anything to the table except myself, and I had put myself into the relationship as much as I was able: time, finances, emotions and vulnerability.

The gift in that moment was realizing I literally don't have to bring anything to my relationships beyond me, myself, and I. It's not like I can give more than what I already have anyway. It was a wonderful realization even if in that moment I learned I wasn't what SHE wanted - but that's ok. Polyamory allows me the freedom to find many others who do want me exactly as I am.

I think the scariest thing that polyamory shows to people is how the only thing you can ve is yourself

I mean that as in, you cannot give anything that other couldn't, other can also kiss and have good looks and have a soft touch and a kind personality

The only thing that you are able to give uniquely is yourself

Which when you internalise it gives a lot of freedom but it is an incredibly harsh thing to digest

And your parnter having others who are just as awesome or maybe you feel like even better than you makes it very obvious

Why does he still love me even though someone else is better at all the things I do and I am and he has them. It's because I'm me and he loves ME for me, not for what I give or how good I look

That is today's great realisation ig

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Without knowing the info it's difficult to answer with details, but the basic answer is sit down with your partner and maybe meta and have a conversation. Don't dance around accountability, clarify where communication needs improved (if your gf failed to inform you of their boundaries, then there needs to be open communication about boundaries and when/how to communicate them). How to fix? That's something that needs to be decided between all parties involved.

lol guys hey guys,

How tf do I fix a mistake in a relationship? My mom’s dead my dads crazy and I have no one to ask. Poly relationship, I really fucked up with communicating with my metamour and while my gf should’ve been honest abt their boundaries I just… ughhhh I’m so new to all this and it’s my first adult relationship. I feel all fucked up about it.. how fix?

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I can't exactly speak for "the cause". For me, it just never made sense to limit my emotions for people just because I'm in a relationship. I'd rather not put limitations on love.

I have multiple siblings, my relationship with each of them is different but I love them all very much. I have lots of friends, I love each of them very much even though our relationships are different. I text Beth every day, go to the movies with Jane every month, go dancing with Erin - it doesn't mean I love Beth more or better or she's my "one and only" friend. Why should I have to choose "just one".

My having multiple intimate relationships was akin to having multiple friends I connect with regularly, we just happen to connect more intimately emotionally, and sometimes physically. It eventually didn't make sense to put limits on that.

Also worth clarifying while Polygamy can fall under Polyamory, they ARE very different for a multitude of reasons.

What causes someone to want more than one romantic partner? I am genuinely curious. I want to understand this as someone who is monogamous. I’m still single btw and I don’t think polygamy would work for me.

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Compersion, Jealousy, and Polyamory/Consensual Non-Monogamy Research Dump.

(I'm also thinking of making a discord, telegram, or whatsapp group to like read these and other articles and discuss and develop our own ideas in relation to all this info. Please dm, comment or add something in the reblogs to let me know if that's worth the time.)

Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory FERRER, JORGE N. (2022). Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory. London, UK: Rowman & Littlefield. ix þ 212 pp. ISBN: 978-1538156575 From Romantic Jealousy to Sympathetic Joy: Monogamy, Polyamory, and Beyond Ferrer, Jorge N. "Monogamy, polyamory, and beyond: spirituality and intimate relationships." Tikkun, vol. 22, no. 1, Jan.-Feb. 2007, pp. 37+. Gale Academic OneFile

Polyamorous Individuals’ Jealous and Compersive Responses to Their Partner’s New Relationship Energy: The Role of Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance, and Empathy Clemons-Castaños, C. R. (2024). Polyamorous individuals’ jealous and compersive responses to their Partner’s new relationship energy: The role of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and empathy (Order No. 31293851).

Your Happiness Is My Happiness: Predicting Positive Feelings for a Partner’s Consensual Extra‑Dyadic Intimate Relations Flicker, S.M., Sancier-Barbosa, F. Your Happiness Is My Happiness: Predicting Positive Feelings for a Partner’s Consensual Extra-Dyadic Intimate Relations. Arch Sex Behav 53, 941–958 (2024)

Classifying Our Metamour/Partner Emotional Response Scale (COMPERSe)

Polyagony: An Exploration of Jealousy Deri, Jillian. Love's Refraction: Jealousy and Compersion in Queer Women's Polyamorous Relationships, Toronto: University of Toronto Press, 2015

If You Move to the Rainforest, You’ve Got No Right to Complain about the Rain: From Polyagony to Compersion Deri, Jillian. Love's Refraction: Jealousy and Compersion in Queer Women's Polyamorous Relationships, Toronto: University of Toronto Press, 2015

Triangular Trouble: A Phenomenological Exploration of Jealousy’s Archetypal Nature in Polyamorous Individuals Hamilton, Jolene Emily. "Triangular Trouble: A Phenomenological Exploration of Jealousy’s Archetypal Nature in Polyamorous Individuals." Order No. 27743962 Pacifica Graduate Institute, 2020. United States -- California: ProQuest.

Transforming Jealousy and Envy Into Compersion A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy Orion, R. (2018). A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy: Polyamory, Swinging, and Open Marriage (1st ed.). Routledge.

Working with Clients Who Are Non-monogamous And Those Who Want to Be Nichols, M. (2020). The Modern Clinician's Guide to Working with LGBTQ+ Clients: The Inclusive Psychotherapist (1st ed.). Routledge

Attempts to Sublimate: Compersion Fosse, M.J. (2021). The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships (1st ed.). Routledge

Factors that Facilitate and Hinder the Experience of Compersion Among Individuals in Consensually Non‑Monogamous Relationships Flicker, S.M., Thouin-Savard, M.I. & Vaughan, M.D. Factors that Facilitate and Hinder the Experience of Compersion Among Individuals in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Arch Sex Behav 51, 3035–3048 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02333-4

Feeling Good About Your Partners’ Relationships: Compersion in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships Flicker, S.M., Vaughan, M.D. & Meyers, L.S. Feeling Good About Your Partners’ Relationships: Compersion in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1569–1585 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-01985-y

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Just wanted to say my Metamour gives the best hugs. Like she just wraps her arms around you and holds you long enough to melt those walls and make you feel special and cherished. An enveloping maternal energy that makes you feel safe and loved.

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It’s true. Every relationship has its own energy and needs.

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Compersion

A pair of friends of mine have been exploring polyamory after years of monogamy. I briefly dated the husband, like, 20 years ago. Been friends with him a long time. I know the wife through him. She's a strong woman, dealing with a lot of feelings for a mutual friend of both of them. Being one of the more successful poly people they know, I have been fielding questions from both of them. It's been... entertaining? Enlightening, too, in some ways. I feel like I learn more about my own journey through polyamory when I am explaining it to others and answering questions.

Tonight's discussion has been about compersion. And I decided I would polish up my answers and share them here. In part because compersion is a very good thing (TM) and quite wonderful to experience. And in part because a lot of people don't know quite how to access it.

Writing about compersion below!

So... finding compersion for your partners in their happiness with other partners is similar to finding happiness in the good things that happen for your friends, even if they are things you might want for yourself.

Seeing someone else being happy, and finding joy in that happiness for itself. Without thinking what it does for you, what it could be for you, etc.

The good news, compersion is a skill that can be built up, and not a magical thing you have or don't have.

You can start small. Your partner (or friend, but we're thinking about poly here.) went out and got to eat their favorite food with a new person. Maybe you like seeing them eat their favorite food, and are a bit put out that you didn't get to experience it, and this new person did instead. But what you need to focus on is that your partner got something they like, and they're happy. You like it when your partner is happy, right? Keep your focus on that feeling of being happy in your partner's joy, even if you aren't the cause of it.

Compersion is a practice as much as it is a singular event or emotion. You can rewrite the pathways in your brain to seek joy in others joy. But this does come hand in hand with exploring your own feelings of envy, jealousy, and inadequacy.

If your partner is doing something with their new person, and you feel that stab of jealousy rise up: Explore it.

What is the new person getting that you aren't?

What is it about the activity that make you feel like you're missing out?

Is it the activity itself?

Is it the excitement or NRE they're showing for the new person?

Is it that you haven't gotten to do something fun and new with your partner in a while?

Are you unhappy that they're having fun with someone else and not you?

When was the last time you had that sort of fun?

Can you communicate your findings to your partner, and collaborate on a solution that helps you feel better?

Sometimes finding the answers to these kinds of questions will also help you find compersion the next time your partner tells you about the great time they had with their new person.

Practice finding the good in the situation is a skill that might come in handy in all sorts of other ways, too.

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Living with BPD, here are some tips.

1. Meditation & Centering – Meditation has been my anchor. When emotions flare up, centering myself is my first line of defense. It helps me to step back, observe, and avoid impulsive reactions. There are hundreds of ways to meditate. Spending 5 minutes in the morning to build that skill makes all the difference.

2. Mastering the Art of Masking – Keeping emotions under wraps, especially painful ones, has been essential. A genuine smile or neutral expression is my go-to, and I focus on empathy while keeping the conversation on the other person. Acting "as if" I am a duck (floating on the surface even if I'm paddling like crazy under the water). I focus on DOing the next right thing.

I hate the term masking, but emotional vulnerability is something I choose carefully. Let me clarify though, I do NOT mask who I am or my personality. I experience my emotions, I am not my emotions. Intense emotions and black and white thinking are things I need to sort out on my own, with a trusted partner, friend, or therapist. I used to allow my emotions to lead every situation, emotions can change quickly which is why putting them in charge led to instability. Masking in this sense does not mean hiding for me, it means functioning in most situations, and responding vs. reacting. I can always step away from a situation if needed.

3. Private Pleasures as Rewards – It’s important to have something that’s all your own. Finding personal pleasures and indulging in them privately—dancing, music, art, whatever brings me joy. Rewarding my efforts makes all the difference. Enjoying myself, building relationship with myself, has repaired my confidence and loss of identity. My BPD voice would have me doubt and even hate myself - it's easier to love and appreciate myself when I do nice things for me. When I act like a loving partner to all parts of myself.

4. The Simple Tricks – When things get intense, I take a moment to smile, count to ten, and think about something meaningful to me. Focusing on my fingertips or wiggling my toes. A deep breath can make the difference between acting on impulse and a rough moment. TIPP Protocol when things are too intense. Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Paired Muscle Relaxation. Hold something hot or cold (or hop in the shower) for a minute, do something to get my heart rate up (dancing, jumping), then laying down to tense and relax my muscles from head to toe while breathing deeply. TIPP Protocol literally stops emotional hijacking.

5. Support, support, support. I touched on this in number 2. Having a therapist, trusted partner(s), and trusted friends is a must. I do need outlets for the Borderline thoughts, people can give a more "grey area" perspective and offer non-judgement. The reassurance that my thoughts and feelings "make sense", and can celebrate the times I respond rather than react. And important piece of this was learning not to unload in ways that would cause harm - I had to stop attention seeking through acting out, text bombing, passive aggression, and active aggression and learn to communicate in healthy ways. "I'm struggling with this, I'm thinking this way about it. I'm feeling like this. I would like your ear, your experience, or a huge." I do not expect my support people to change how I'm feeling, just to be witnesses to my experience and growth.

Thriving with BPD is possible—through awareness, boundaries, and finding fulfillment in ways that are uniquely yours.

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This is going to sound bleak.

But I had to accept the fact that there is no guarantee that a relationship will last forever. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons, and there isn't exactly a cure-all safe guard for that. The way to deal with that painful realization is recognizing how we actively choose to have a relationship with each other. Every day it's a conscious choice to be together, grow together, and intertwine our lives and futures together.

Moving on to the topic of polyamory - my advice is always to date separately. Triads are like poly on hard mode. It's not just one relationship, but four. (AB, AC, BC, and ABC). And jumping into that dynamic, when the individual relationships (AB, AC, and BC) aren't established is a recipe for disaster, inequality, mistrust etc. Integrating a new partner into several aspects of our lives too soon creates instability. Integrating a relationship into an already established relationship - changes all of those relationships.

Too often an established couple feels that dating together will protect them from the perceived problems of polyamory. "I won't be jealous if we share." "I don't have be afraid of losing my partner if we do everything together." "I won't worry about what they're doing if they're doing it with me." "I won't deal with feelings of comparison if my partner and I are heirachial and add a third - either of us can decided to start or end the relationship if it becomes too much." Dating together won't prevent these problems - I'd argue it amplifies them, and it creates unfairness for the third. What if you and the third have a falling out? Will you force your partner and the third to also end their relationship? Even if they love each other? Putting your partner into a situation where they have to choose is a terrible thing to do.

Most of the long term, healthy, poly people - including ones that start with/have a primary partner - date separately.

While everyone may define polyamory different for themselves - I see it as a relationship structure in which I can experience love with multiple people and each of these relationships are unique and individual to each other. That also meant recognizing my primary partner (my husband) gets to have these unique individual experiences with other people as well. Even if we did date the same person - his relationship with them would be separate and different from my relationship with them.

I'd suggest deciding what polyamory would mean to you. What about polyamory appeals to you? What are you looking to experience from it?

If the thought is, "it's something fun my partner and I can do together." I'd suggest defining "fun". Is it about sex, emotional intimacy, and/or actual relationship experiences? There are other forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy, such as open, swinging, or platonic friendships to consider.

The fear of my husband leaving me for someone else essentially evaporated over time. Our relationship is strong and stable on its own, and that doesn't change when we're dating other people.

There's always the small possibility one of us will find someone else who aligns with our needs, desires, life goals "better". That doesn't necessarily mean our relationship will end, it could just mean the primary relationship changes. There's also always the small possibility our relationship could end for other reasons.

The reality is we actively choose our relationships until that choice doesn't work anymore. That's true for all relationships.

poly relationships

Ive struggled with this for a while now, I used to be in a poly relationship with someone who has DID and I also ended up getting another outside partner who also has DID, my first partner left me for the second partner (wild as fuck huh?) but idk, sometimes I think I could do a third and then I get anxious about my currently girlfriend leaving me for the third person. does anyone who's poly have any advice?

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Separate. My relationship with each individual person is individual and essentially separate from my relationships with others.

There are a few exceptions. Most of my partners are part of the same meet up group - so we all happen to be in the same discord. Or if there is an event all of us are making plans and coordinating for a group chat might be made. Like the time some of us went to a resort and split a room and made plans on splitting food. A group chat was easier.

question for polyam individuals:

do you ever make a gc with two or more partners or do you just message through separate dms?