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As my last relationship was ending she literally asked me in an angry text, "what do YOU even bring to the relationship?"

I was so dumbfounded, I didn't realize I had to bring anything to the table except myself, and I had put myself into the relationship as much as I was able: time, finances, emotions and vulnerability.

The gift in that moment was realizing I literally don't have to bring anything to my relationships beyond me, myself, and I. It's not like I can give more than what I already have anyway. It was a wonderful realization even if in that moment I learned I wasn't what SHE wanted - but that's ok. Polyamory allows me the freedom to find many others who do want me exactly as I am.

I think the scariest thing that polyamory shows to people is how the only thing you can ve is yourself

I mean that as in, you cannot give anything that other couldn't, other can also kiss and have good looks and have a soft touch and a kind personality

The only thing that you are able to give uniquely is yourself

Which when you internalise it gives a lot of freedom but it is an incredibly harsh thing to digest

And your parnter having others who are just as awesome or maybe you feel like even better than you makes it very obvious

Why does he still love me even though someone else is better at all the things I do and I am and he has them. It's because I'm me and he loves ME for me, not for what I give or how good I look

That is today's great realisation ig

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Without knowing the info it's difficult to answer with details, but the basic answer is sit down with your partner and maybe meta and have a conversation. Don't dance around accountability, clarify where communication needs improved (if your gf failed to inform you of their boundaries, then there needs to be open communication about boundaries and when/how to communicate them). How to fix? That's something that needs to be decided between all parties involved.

lol guys hey guys,

How tf do I fix a mistake in a relationship? My mom’s dead my dads crazy and I have no one to ask. Poly relationship, I really fucked up with communicating with my metamour and while my gf should’ve been honest abt their boundaries I just… ughhhh I’m so new to all this and it’s my first adult relationship. I feel all fucked up about it.. how fix?

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I can't exactly speak for "the cause". For me, it just never made sense to limit my emotions for people just because I'm in a relationship. I'd rather not put limitations on love.

I have multiple siblings, my relationship with each of them is different but I love them all very much. I have lots of friends, I love each of them very much even though our relationships are different. I text Beth every day, go to the movies with Jane every month, go dancing with Erin - it doesn't mean I love Beth more or better or she's my "one and only" friend. Why should I have to choose "just one".

My having multiple intimate relationships was akin to having multiple friends I connect with regularly, we just happen to connect more intimately emotionally, and sometimes physically. It eventually didn't make sense to put limits on that.

Also worth clarifying while Polygamy can fall under Polyamory, they ARE very different for a multitude of reasons.

What causes someone to want more than one romantic partner? I am genuinely curious. I want to understand this as someone who is monogamous. I’m still single btw and I don’t think polygamy would work for me.

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Compersion, Jealousy, and Polyamory/Consensual Non-Monogamy Research Dump.

(I'm also thinking of making a discord, telegram, or whatsapp group to like read these and other articles and discuss and develop our own ideas in relation to all this info. Please dm, comment or add something in the reblogs to let me know if that's worth the time.)

Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory FERRER, JORGE N. (2022). Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory. London, UK: Rowman & Littlefield. ix þ 212 pp. ISBN: 978-1538156575 From Romantic Jealousy to Sympathetic Joy: Monogamy, Polyamory, and Beyond Ferrer, Jorge N. "Monogamy, polyamory, and beyond: spirituality and intimate relationships." Tikkun, vol. 22, no. 1, Jan.-Feb. 2007, pp. 37+. Gale Academic OneFile

Polyamorous Individuals’ Jealous and Compersive Responses to Their Partner’s New Relationship Energy: The Role of Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance, and Empathy Clemons-Castaños, C. R. (2024). Polyamorous individuals’ jealous and compersive responses to their Partner’s new relationship energy: The role of mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and empathy (Order No. 31293851).

Your Happiness Is My Happiness: Predicting Positive Feelings for a Partner’s Consensual Extra‑Dyadic Intimate Relations Flicker, S.M., Sancier-Barbosa, F. Your Happiness Is My Happiness: Predicting Positive Feelings for a Partner’s Consensual Extra-Dyadic Intimate Relations. Arch Sex Behav 53, 941–958 (2024)

Classifying Our Metamour/Partner Emotional Response Scale (COMPERSe)

Polyagony: An Exploration of Jealousy Deri, Jillian. Love's Refraction: Jealousy and Compersion in Queer Women's Polyamorous Relationships, Toronto: University of Toronto Press, 2015

If You Move to the Rainforest, You’ve Got No Right to Complain about the Rain: From Polyagony to Compersion Deri, Jillian. Love's Refraction: Jealousy and Compersion in Queer Women's Polyamorous Relationships, Toronto: University of Toronto Press, 2015

Triangular Trouble: A Phenomenological Exploration of Jealousy’s Archetypal Nature in Polyamorous Individuals Hamilton, Jolene Emily. "Triangular Trouble: A Phenomenological Exploration of Jealousy’s Archetypal Nature in Polyamorous Individuals." Order No. 27743962 Pacifica Graduate Institute, 2020. United States -- California: ProQuest.

Transforming Jealousy and Envy Into Compersion A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy Orion, R. (2018). A Therapist’s Guide to Consensual Nonmonogamy: Polyamory, Swinging, and Open Marriage (1st ed.). Routledge.

Working with Clients Who Are Non-monogamous And Those Who Want to Be Nichols, M. (2020). The Modern Clinician's Guide to Working with LGBTQ+ Clients: The Inclusive Psychotherapist (1st ed.). Routledge

Attempts to Sublimate: Compersion Fosse, M.J. (2021). The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships (1st ed.). Routledge

Factors that Facilitate and Hinder the Experience of Compersion Among Individuals in Consensually Non‑Monogamous Relationships Flicker, S.M., Thouin-Savard, M.I. & Vaughan, M.D. Factors that Facilitate and Hinder the Experience of Compersion Among Individuals in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Arch Sex Behav 51, 3035–3048 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02333-4

Feeling Good About Your Partners’ Relationships: Compersion in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships Flicker, S.M., Vaughan, M.D. & Meyers, L.S. Feeling Good About Your Partners’ Relationships: Compersion in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1569–1585 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-01985-y

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Just wanted to say my Metamour gives the best hugs. Like she just wraps her arms around you and holds you long enough to melt those walls and make you feel special and cherished. An enveloping maternal energy that makes you feel safe and loved.

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It’s true. Every relationship has its own energy and needs.

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Compersion

A pair of friends of mine have been exploring polyamory after years of monogamy. I briefly dated the husband, like, 20 years ago. Been friends with him a long time. I know the wife through him. She's a strong woman, dealing with a lot of feelings for a mutual friend of both of them. Being one of the more successful poly people they know, I have been fielding questions from both of them. It's been... entertaining? Enlightening, too, in some ways. I feel like I learn more about my own journey through polyamory when I am explaining it to others and answering questions.

Tonight's discussion has been about compersion. And I decided I would polish up my answers and share them here. In part because compersion is a very good thing (TM) and quite wonderful to experience. And in part because a lot of people don't know quite how to access it.

Writing about compersion below!

So... finding compersion for your partners in their happiness with other partners is similar to finding happiness in the good things that happen for your friends, even if they are things you might want for yourself.

Seeing someone else being happy, and finding joy in that happiness for itself. Without thinking what it does for you, what it could be for you, etc.

The good news, compersion is a skill that can be built up, and not a magical thing you have or don't have.

You can start small. Your partner (or friend, but we're thinking about poly here.) went out and got to eat their favorite food with a new person. Maybe you like seeing them eat their favorite food, and are a bit put out that you didn't get to experience it, and this new person did instead. But what you need to focus on is that your partner got something they like, and they're happy. You like it when your partner is happy, right? Keep your focus on that feeling of being happy in your partner's joy, even if you aren't the cause of it.

Compersion is a practice as much as it is a singular event or emotion. You can rewrite the pathways in your brain to seek joy in others joy. But this does come hand in hand with exploring your own feelings of envy, jealousy, and inadequacy.

If your partner is doing something with their new person, and you feel that stab of jealousy rise up: Explore it.

What is the new person getting that you aren't?

What is it about the activity that make you feel like you're missing out?

Is it the activity itself?

Is it the excitement or NRE they're showing for the new person?

Is it that you haven't gotten to do something fun and new with your partner in a while?

Are you unhappy that they're having fun with someone else and not you?

When was the last time you had that sort of fun?

Can you communicate your findings to your partner, and collaborate on a solution that helps you feel better?

Sometimes finding the answers to these kinds of questions will also help you find compersion the next time your partner tells you about the great time they had with their new person.

Practice finding the good in the situation is a skill that might come in handy in all sorts of other ways, too.

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Living with BPD, here are some tips.

1. Meditation & Centering – Meditation has been my anchor. When emotions flare up, centering myself is my first line of defense. It helps me to step back, observe, and avoid impulsive reactions. There are hundreds of ways to meditate. Spending 5 minutes in the morning to build that skill makes all the difference.

2. Mastering the Art of Masking – Keeping emotions under wraps, especially painful ones, has been essential. A genuine smile or neutral expression is my go-to, and I focus on empathy while keeping the conversation on the other person. Acting "as if" I am a duck (floating on the surface even if I'm paddling like crazy under the water). I focus on DOing the next right thing.

I hate the term masking, but emotional vulnerability is something I choose carefully. Let me clarify though, I do NOT mask who I am or my personality. I experience my emotions, I am not my emotions. Intense emotions and black and white thinking are things I need to sort out on my own, with a trusted partner, friend, or therapist. I used to allow my emotions to lead every situation, emotions can change quickly which is why putting them in charge led to instability. Masking in this sense does not mean hiding for me, it means functioning in most situations, and responding vs. reacting. I can always step away from a situation if needed.

3. Private Pleasures as Rewards – It’s important to have something that’s all your own. Finding personal pleasures and indulging in them privately—dancing, music, art, whatever brings me joy. Rewarding my efforts makes all the difference. Enjoying myself, building relationship with myself, has repaired my confidence and loss of identity. My BPD voice would have me doubt and even hate myself - it's easier to love and appreciate myself when I do nice things for me. When I act like a loving partner to all parts of myself.

4. The Simple Tricks – When things get intense, I take a moment to smile, count to ten, and think about something meaningful to me. Focusing on my fingertips or wiggling my toes. A deep breath can make the difference between acting on impulse and a rough moment. TIPP Protocol when things are too intense. Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Paired Muscle Relaxation. Hold something hot or cold (or hop in the shower) for a minute, do something to get my heart rate up (dancing, jumping), then laying down to tense and relax my muscles from head to toe while breathing deeply. TIPP Protocol literally stops emotional hijacking.

5. Support, support, support. I touched on this in number 2. Having a therapist, trusted partner(s), and trusted friends is a must. I do need outlets for the Borderline thoughts, people can give a more "grey area" perspective and offer non-judgement. The reassurance that my thoughts and feelings "make sense", and can celebrate the times I respond rather than react. And important piece of this was learning not to unload in ways that would cause harm - I had to stop attention seeking through acting out, text bombing, passive aggression, and active aggression and learn to communicate in healthy ways. "I'm struggling with this, I'm thinking this way about it. I'm feeling like this. I would like your ear, your experience, or a huge." I do not expect my support people to change how I'm feeling, just to be witnesses to my experience and growth.

Thriving with BPD is possible—through awareness, boundaries, and finding fulfillment in ways that are uniquely yours.

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This is going to sound bleak.

But I had to accept the fact that there is no guarantee that a relationship will last forever. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons, and there isn't exactly a cure-all safe guard for that. The way to deal with that painful realization is recognizing how we actively choose to have a relationship with each other. Every day it's a conscious choice to be together, grow together, and intertwine our lives and futures together.

Moving on to the topic of polyamory - my advice is always to date separately. Triads are like poly on hard mode. It's not just one relationship, but four. (AB, AC, BC, and ABC). And jumping into that dynamic, when the individual relationships (AB, AC, and BC) aren't established is a recipe for disaster, inequality, mistrust etc. Integrating a new partner into several aspects of our lives too soon creates instability. Integrating a relationship into an already established relationship - changes all of those relationships.

Too often an established couple feels that dating together will protect them from the perceived problems of polyamory. "I won't be jealous if we share." "I don't have be afraid of losing my partner if we do everything together." "I won't worry about what they're doing if they're doing it with me." "I won't deal with feelings of comparison if my partner and I are heirachial and add a third - either of us can decided to start or end the relationship if it becomes too much." Dating together won't prevent these problems - I'd argue it amplifies them, and it creates unfairness for the third. What if you and the third have a falling out? Will you force your partner and the third to also end their relationship? Even if they love each other? Putting your partner into a situation where they have to choose is a terrible thing to do.

Most of the long term, healthy, poly people - including ones that start with/have a primary partner - date separately.

While everyone may define polyamory different for themselves - I see it as a relationship structure in which I can experience love with multiple people and each of these relationships are unique and individual to each other. That also meant recognizing my primary partner (my husband) gets to have these unique individual experiences with other people as well. Even if we did date the same person - his relationship with them would be separate and different from my relationship with them.

I'd suggest deciding what polyamory would mean to you. What about polyamory appeals to you? What are you looking to experience from it?

If the thought is, "it's something fun my partner and I can do together." I'd suggest defining "fun". Is it about sex, emotional intimacy, and/or actual relationship experiences? There are other forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy, such as open, swinging, or platonic friendships to consider.

The fear of my husband leaving me for someone else essentially evaporated over time. Our relationship is strong and stable on its own, and that doesn't change when we're dating other people.

There's always the small possibility one of us will find someone else who aligns with our needs, desires, life goals "better". That doesn't necessarily mean our relationship will end, it could just mean the primary relationship changes. There's also always the small possibility our relationship could end for other reasons.

The reality is we actively choose our relationships until that choice doesn't work anymore. That's true for all relationships.

poly relationships

Ive struggled with this for a while now, I used to be in a poly relationship with someone who has DID and I also ended up getting another outside partner who also has DID, my first partner left me for the second partner (wild as fuck huh?) but idk, sometimes I think I could do a third and then I get anxious about my currently girlfriend leaving me for the third person. does anyone who's poly have any advice?

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Separate. My relationship with each individual person is individual and essentially separate from my relationships with others.

There are a few exceptions. Most of my partners are part of the same meet up group - so we all happen to be in the same discord. Or if there is an event all of us are making plans and coordinating for a group chat might be made. Like the time some of us went to a resort and split a room and made plans on splitting food. A group chat was easier.

question for polyam individuals:

do you ever make a gc with two or more partners or do you just message through separate dms?

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New polyamory community on Tumblr, come join the polycule

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Crazy ex girlfriend really put themselves out there with having a female protagonist. A female protagonist that dosent have the body of a supermodel. A mentally ill female protagonist. A female protagonist that is explicitly a bad person yet is treated with sympathy AND held responsible for her actions at the same time. A female protagonist that is a more fair and accurate portrayal of mental illness then most men with mental illness in media are. A female protagonist that is allowed to exist as a complicated person and not woman™. A female protagonist that is a parody and a empathetic exploration of a sexist stereotype. they did all of that while also having a mainly POC cast with diverse body types and sexualities that are all treated as actual people and not monoliths of the minority they are representing. And they balanced all that with being consistently funny, entertaining, touching, heartwarming and having really really good music for 4 seasons. WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS SHOW MORE

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Throwing this into the tumblr-verse because I don't know where else to put these thoughts.

I was raped by a family member when I was 14. He was 23. When I spoke out about it, I learned he had been raping another family member for years. I was already very much on the outskirts from this side of the family as my mom died when I was little, but speaking out about this completely ostracized me.

I've done a lot of healing since then. It's been over 20 years. I'm not very close to anyone in my family, except one half sister. Today I was doing some inner child work - which led me to wanted to see how some family members were doing. I checked a few facebooks.

I found out my rapist's father died at the beginning of this year. I don't have a lot of memories of him, but the ones I do have are positive. I'd say most of my family memories are positive. There's a part of me that grieves never having been part of the family. I've had to fill in blanks, make up stories in my head - especially in regards to my own mother. Overall, I am ok with the fact that I'm not close with them. Obviously, they protected a rapist. I don't hate them though. I don't even hate him anymore.

If I could say anything though... (Sometimes I imagine sending messages, or letters, or calling them on the phone - or even turning up at a family reunion.) I'd say I just want an acknowledgement that it was wrong. What he did, what happened, how you (the adults) handled it was wrong. That those choices damaged (at least) two young girls, ages 14 and 16. That we deserved better.

I can't say I'd care for any reconciliations, or explanations, or answers. I'm grateful for my life today, and wish them all well - I don't care about the past anymore. But none of them ever reached out (unless adding me to a random family chat group - but I don't know if the person who added me knows what happened 20+ years ago). I don't know if I'll ever reach out either.

I'm at peace overall. I want my inner child to know she is safe, loved, and what happened was wrong. I have a family now, and we've created our own traditions and legacies.

For now I'm just sending out the energy of love, condolences, and grief to the family member who died and those who loved him. I wish them all well.

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I realized I was okay with my partner having other partners by the time I was 13 (though I didn't have a word for it at the time) and the reason I realized this was because I was so full of seething hatred (the kind only 13 year olds are capable of) for the love triangle in twilight that by the time I got to the third book I was like "who CARES if she has two boyfriends. I wouldn't care if my partner had other partners as long as I knew about it and everyone was okay with it. Anything is better than this nonsense"

I realized this several years before I realized I liked girls. I'm a lesbian. Anyway I just think "realizing you're poly via twilight hate" is objectively hilarious but it does, unfortunately, mean that twilight was a formative experience for me.

Twilight defined a generation. Love it🫶 or hate it🤬, it still shaped you. Very few escaped this fate.

Your fate, specifically, though, is objectively hilarious

Seriously though, at least you got something worthwhile out of the books! I often think it is easier to define ourselves first by what we are NOT than by what we ARE, so I can't say I'm surprised. Hating love triangles seems to be a common theme with us polyams 😂

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In response to the "trad wife" who slipped into the polyamory tags:

Consider me a "trad wife". I'm a stay at home mom, married for a long time. I take care of the kiddo, the housework, most of the cooking. I bake bread and pies for the holidays, we have cutesy matching outfits for family photos. To an outsider we're a picturesque "normal" family.

My husband and I love each other, we're each other's best friends, partners. We're "satisfied" as you put it but more than that, were extremely happy together. We've built a life together, raise a kiddo, have a lovely home.

We're also non-monogamous and practice polyamory. Not because "I'm not enough," or because "he's not enough". It's not because we're unhappy, or bored, or have a desire to "cheat".

To put it simply, we love love, and we love people. We love intimate relationships. With each other, with friends, with people who are more than friends. We simply chose not to put restrictions when it comes to how other relationships evolve.

I hope you're happy in your monogamous marriage. That's great. Wonderful. Everyone deserves happy, healthy, wonderful relationships.

But to accuse our relationship dynamics of being "toxic" or "unveiled cheating" is pure ignorance on your part. To say it's women's way of having "back up" options, is degrading.

Cheating would imply dishonesty or unfairness. The reality is we're honest, communicate about everything, prevent unfairness and navigate all the same things most relationships do.

My marriage is enough, and we're secure enough in our relationship to not be afraid of how other relationships may evolve. Whether it's simply a friendship, a sexual exploration, or a deeply intimate connection. I love that my husband is a wonderful, loving, funny human being and that others can experience those wonderful parts of him. I'm a loving, creative, sexual, playful, caring person, and I love that I can share those parts of myself with others - freely, without judgment, without fear of losing my husband because of it.

My relationships can grow and evolve freely. The only difference in my monogamous relationships was that I had to deny any deep feelings I may have had for another person - I couldn't express my love for my best friend of 15 years. My monogamous (now ex) husband at the time got angry when I verbally expressed my feelings to him about her. He became jealous, suspicious, and angry any time I talked to my friend. I never cheated on him, and I never have or would cheat on anyone.

I've since realized I want the freedom to tell friends and people I'm close to that I love them, that I think they're beautiful. I want to be able to hug them without being accused of betraying someone's trust. I want to be able to kiss them if it authentically feels right in the moment - to express my love in any way that feels authentic. And I want my (now) husband to have that freedom too, without fear of me resenting him for it.

Monogamy maybe right and wonderful for you. Non-Monogamy and Polyamory are right for me.

You know what they say about assumptions?

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Let's talk jealousy.

Before you scroll on, this post is for everyone not just the poly/enm people.

Has your partner/lover/spouse spend time with someone else, even just their friend, and it drove you juuuuust a little crazy? Did you fixate on imagining what they're doing at any given time? Maybe they came home and told you about how they had lunch together or a sweet intimate moment?

That's totally okay. You're not a monster. You are allowed to have emotional responses to things. This goes for those of us under the non-monogamous blanket too. We're not immune to these things.

I heard a while ago on the Multiamory podcast (check it out) someone describing jealousy as a secondary emotion. There is often an underlying feeling behind it; sadness, anger, frustration, fear, loneliness.

It could be the fear of being replaced, a common one for the monogamous one's reading. It could be frustration at being left out of the fun, or a fear of missing out. Sometimes it's anger that they chose someone else to spend time with but god damn it you wanted that weekend.

Combating these uncomfortable feels can be done a number of ways, but generally:

- Start by identifying the root, do a little introspection and try to determine what emotion(s) and thought(s) are behind it.

- Jealousy around an activity might be countered by asking said partner if you can do the activity together later.

- Fear of missing out can be a bitch, ask if you can tag along next time? That one can be difficult even for platonic relationships.

Communication is key, it's been said to death but it's true. Don't simply communicate the jealousy, communicate the root feelings and thoughts and maybe together you can brainstorm a way to alleviate it somewhat.

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This should be ALL relationships, monogamous, platonic etc. Its wild to realize most of my relationships lacked openness and a willingness to seek solutions through empathy and non- judgement.

Polyamory helped me put these things front and center.

relationship anarchy/polyamory/non-monogamy reminder: being successfully open in your relationship and unlearning toxic/compulsory monogamy does not equate to transcending all feelings of jealousy, fear, insecurity, uneasiness, or any other generally unsettling sensations that may arise when you or your partner are exploring other connections.

the real success of your non-traditional relationship style is measured by your ability to share these feelings willingly, transparently, and without judgment or projection into external blame, however embarrassing or irrational you may think they are, & your partner’s ability to empathize, listen, reassure, discuss, and/or analyze solutions with you at length as you decondition yourselves together.