#but like me personally about /myself/. id have to kill myself.
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oh em gee im a ravens fan šš. i also adore lamar ā¦would love to hear your thoughts on lamar/derrick and/or lamar/kyle š¤š¤
ALSJDJSJ HELLOOO šš first of all sorrows sorrows prayers š and like. slight apologies did my sudden rooting for the ravens bc the lions booked it (sorrows sorrows prayers also šā¦.apologies did my sudden rooting for the lionsāš) bring you shit luck like. how the fuck... BUT ANYWAYS BRINGING JOYYYY with some rpf talk akhdskjs wow brought this upon myself i dont really like know much abt the ravens ship wise argrhgrh like i donāt think anybody has asked me any ship outside of the bengals?? outside of joemarr really š like no one has even asked me abt jjkoc whom i adore and bring up constantly even on asks abt joemarr?? š (EDIT: THANK YOU CASEY AND CHRISNOELIE WHO HAVE LITERALLY JUST SENT ASKS ššā¤ļø) thatās such a shame (to be fair i dont really. know that many ships or show. that i like ship that many either lmao) š OH WELL OKAY USING THIS LIKE. FOR MY PORTFOLIO what fucking portfolioaksjsksksk yapped abt any ship of my own volition am actually sweating a bit at this bc like. i dont actually?? know them??? so this is mostly like from Vibes ive seen from clips of them floating around here and twt and ig that have spurred the Fire in me to just. See Shit. do you get me.
bengals mutuals who are sensitive abt ravens pls look away š«¶ and like donāt block me aksjsksk let me rpf in peace i beg š i just see pretty men with chemistry and i want to see them kiss š
AUGH prefacing this with like. the only thing ive actually written shippy wise abt the ravens is that one lamar/jaāmarr thing im actually so fucking fond offfff in that shippy rpf list thing i did way back oh that led that one ask i got damn wait i actually have gotten an ask outside of joemarr like that frock and also on lamar/jaāmarr!!!!! god i should do that thing again akhdksjs ANYWAYS SORRY MOVING ON (wait no. lamar/jaāmarr. still so enamored. sorry. itās the jaāmarr truther in me i fear.)
disclaimer my characterization (???? for rpf?????) of them may be skewed???? because like. i havenāt been as deep into their lore as i am with joemarr and the bengals. and like their history isnāt as deeply documented here as joemarrs is lol. i follow. 2 people tops including you who are ravens fans. several others with running back adoration shining through too so. like. keep that in mind š
DERRICK LAMAR HERE WE GOOOOO FUCKKKKK do you know. how fucking enamored i am. that derrick has been so fucking steadfast in his defense of lamar as a quarterback. heās so. all his tweets. all his quotes. oh my godddd. heās soooooo. he came to fucking ravens because lamar is the fucking quarterback???? all those clapbacks he did saying lamar is his qb????? i donāt actually recall all his tweets sorry are they tweets wow but like. all i remember are just. vibes. and those vibes are just. him basically saying. fuck you i know what im all about and thatās lamar fucking jackson keep his name out of your mouth. thats hot as shitttttt are you kidding me šš and heās gorgeous. fucking beautiful. heās fucking huge and downright shameless about it. he wears his tops like theyāre a suggestion rather than a necessity. i think heād rather wear crop tops on the daily actually. we should start petitioning nfl uni changes to like. crop tops. see through pads too. heād be overjoyed, i think. iād be overjoyed. also.
and lamarās like. murder in his mind but also fucking hilarious this man in the playoffs talking abt how heās here to compete not be friends with other qbs or something like that idk i forgot whatever it is he said that one presser abt josh? (?) but just like. one track minded (understandable btw something to prove being mvp however many times and yet. always falling short in the playoffs. just. yikes. for him. god. i feel so terrible for him š¬) but also. the entire beyonce thing š hilarious. the christmas thing where he kind of disappeared?? where the hell was he š what was that hard knocks ep akdhsksk i forgot and like his presser clips that sometimes pop byyyy hes cute idc idc but like sorry if im jumping here and there here back to derrick a bit so i can lead back to lamar -> derricks super chill? or well. heās sooooo sure of himself. hes 31. 8 years itl nothing rattles him. he knows what he wants. immovable. doesnāt quake that easy. but like stressing again: knows what he wants. pro bowl? sure. ravens because the quarterbacks lamar jackson? sure. like it doesnāt really take much to rattle him yk?? like as far as i can seeee auagahagh i donāt really see many clips of himmm though i did see him dance with zay i think?? cuteeeee whimsy showing up when urged with all these new guys heās getting comfy with!!! and alsoooo ive seen him hype the ever living shittttt out of saquon!!! thatās some cute shit. signing into the ravens with some lowballed contract too i think?? says something abt him!! idk chill is a word id use abt him. his reaction to the probowl is still so fucking š but again, knows what he wants. which: lamar. who, again: one track minded, gets incredibly shitty jokey jokes at the most random of times, mentions his mother cussing him out shamelessly, jokes about going out to see beyonce during halftime, cannot help himself mentioning a meme from a reporters name, etc etc and also. gives me the vibes of. not really catching anyone putting down any moves on him. because he thinks theyāre just appreciating his quarterbacking. and derricks reallyyyyyyy good at that. hyping the everliving shittttt out of him. praising him on all platforms and straight to his face. from day one. coming into the ravens bc hes the qb. outright saying that so he knows exactly what to expect from derrick and what to do to level up to him. so like. super cute to think of derrick asking him out and lamar just. not clicking š and lamar praising him right back toooooo š all his shit being super technical while derricks just waiting. to be wooed back. because heās thinking like. oh lamars pretty smart yk he knows what derrick wants and has been doing no way he doesnāt and heās so fucking sure of himself no way lamar isnāt wanting him back but lamar isnāt fucking doing anythinggggg. heās just. being a really good teammate. derrick hasnāt heard a single actual flirtatious thing that isnāt like. youāre really good at football thatās such a sexy run and heās all that winona ryder confused math meme trying to think if thatās an actual pick up line but heās seen lamar flirt in clubs to get better seats or better shelved drinks if the bartender doesnt recognize them damn it when the fuck is he getting the full experience. until it slowly dawns on him he doesnāt fucking realize that derrick has been outright fucking flirting with him. WHICH leads tooo a bit of lamar/kyle which is like only because of that one clip aksfaksl wait okay THIS IS A MESS UGH SORRY ->
lamar/kyle!!! i know not much about them tbh!!! just that kyle is fucking gorgeousssssssss and lamar is toooooo oh my god. oh my god that one clip. that one fucking clip. of kyle coming up to lamar. and back hugging him. wait let me fucking find it auagahsgsu IS THAT NOT THE CUTEST SHIT????? i am superrrrr into this dynamic of like. heavy devotion into your quarterback because of how fucking GOOD they are. like. tell me that entire fucking team isnāt the least bit besotted with lamar fucking jackson. (i have like. the slightest clue of the ravens roster tbh. sorry. i do the same shit with like. joe. all those boys. enamored with him. because he's so fucking good. argrhgrhh. see also: bryce lol) but that fucking clipppp the casual intimacyyyy the casual mindless way kyle trots to lamar talking to the coaches and slaps at his shoulder and decides to just latch on to him locking his wrists??? the hell is he doing??? CUTE. ARGHRGH. i didnt even know he moved this way btw šš and lamar's hands coming up to fumble distractedly at kyles wrists like did he even know. who that was. he didnt even really break a stride with his convo and no. 53 didnt even look at kyle weird?? do his guys usually just latch on to him like this. that's so cute the hell. i need to know more. do they do this often. hello. talk to me do they just latch on to him this often hello. hello. how many of his guys just have like. puppy crush on him. because this is what this is to me lmao like. a little hero worship. lamars ass doesn't see what this is š he's fucking oblivious. (god you gotta tell me if I'm like reaching or off my fucking rockers or however the saying goes btw like again i got this out of Vibes) -> AND BACK TO DERRICK WHO SEES THIS ->
a little derrick seeing this from the corner of his eye. a little nudge to lamars belly. a little smirk. a little 'what he likes you?' 'what' 'what' 'what do you mean what' 'oh i see youāre a little dumb on things like this thats okay' 'on things like what what do you mean' 'its fine hey were still on this friday right' 'what yeah that fancy place on so so street right why is it so important that i wear a black tie anyway' 'because its supposed to be a date you dumbass god i really do have to spell it out for you' 'what' 'what what' 'ā¦.what' AUAGHAHDHS CUTE CUTE no really you gotta tell me is my characterization right š like. is it. help me. derrick seems so fucking sure of himself and like so fuckingĀ into lamar and lamar is like right back at derrick but!! well i guess for narratives sake im making it seem like lamars fucking oblivious lmaooo so. well.
hence -> yes next friday is a romantic formal dinner date lamar jackson. yes i am asking you out for an actual dinner date. as a romantic partner. that might end the night in making out. and sex, even, if you put out on, like, the sixth date if you actually realize that that's the sixth dateāyes, that will be the sixth date, itās okay, donāt worry about it. no, i wonāt slow down, donāt run away. no yes of course you've never run away from something once in your life. yes, we can kiss now, c'mere.Ā
and do not. get me started. on all of lamarās fucking reaction. to derrickās running. and also i think i saw an interview clip of derrick calling lamar Lā¦ā¦ā¦did i hallucinate that...............also the locker room pics šš girl derrick pull down your fucking jersey oh my godddd why is he like this why are there so many fucking pics of them just side by side or like shaking?? hands??? idk just in the presence of each other and is it the mandela effect why do i keep recalling him with his tummy out. (vs demure ass lamar covered head to toe idk i feel like i constantly see him in full gear?? is he like easily cold or like is that a stylistic choice or like. is that the norm with him or. like. am i just used to him wearing a shiesty during winter.)
apologies if this is like. more of a mess than my usual answer to asks š whole other ship more unknown to me and like. typed this in my phone instead of on my laptop. answered in between classes which is where i am at life now apparently damn it is that the status quo now fuckjddkjsksksks
also shot myself in the foooottttt lmaoooo complaining abt not getting any jjkoc asks š thank you for sending me asks i am ECSTATICCCCCC to be answering those but damn. when the fuck am i finishing this class š SORRY FOR CONSTANTLY COMPLAINING ABOUT IT BTW SOMEWHERE EVERYWHERE IN THIS BLOG BUT LIKE. FUCK IS THIS SHITTTTT AUGHGUGHUGHUGHUGH abt to kms
#ask#ravens#derrick/lamar#do they have a ship name?#derrick henry#lamar jackson#kyle hamilton#lamar/kyle#like a bit really lol#my writing#ngl its an intimidating ass thing to mix your football team interests here LMAOOOOOO#have yall considered this: i just think men should fuck sometimes bc theyāre pretty and i donāt really give a shit if theyāre opps#like i know theyāre divisional rivals guys but in an rpf standpoint theyāre compelling to me š even the chiefsā¦#fuck the chiefs though if you catch me rooting for the chiefs really FOR the chiefs kill me. no really. kill me. report my blog and kill me#oh wait no if you're a bengals fan and you also root for the chiefs power to you etc etc i do not give a single shit bb you do you#but like me personally about /myself/. id have to kill myself.#was rooting for the ravens bc the lions literally. well. anyways. back to the nfc š jayden to the end...? saquon...?#still would root for the bengals if theyāre against the ravens ofc btw but like. if you ask me would i like if they should switch the#coin toss with a little bodice ripping action instead just for fun. sure. why the fuck not.#no but really. next year. kings of the north. black and orange. š” who dey.#also humbly apologizing for all my other unanswered asks ive neglected over this one š#got surprisingly so excited to yap about a ship ive never yapped about?? wow#why are yall so mean abt lamar ššššššš like. heās so????? i LIKE him???? heās adorable?????????? genuinelyā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦#divisional rivals thoā¦ā¦..š watching him against the bengals god those two fucking games still so pissedndjsksjshdjskslask damn ittttttttt#for those two fucking games a season playoffs aside. we are not friends...................damn it. those two fuckingahdkgjlaiogjqoejweiojfa#still he's so cute to me guys truly do not come for me i adore him good bye BUT. will cuss him tf out when next reg season comes i fear š#that stiff arm against sam.....i am ducking my head DOWN and just. oh my god.#also. morbidly curious how many like. notes (?) id get out of this compared to my joemarr asks LMAOOO like. would the difference be drastic
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I think I would blame odysseus less if his reasoning was more "you are the ones who killed the cow when I specifically told you not to" or even "you all literally stabbed me" but it's just. Not that. And I don't think it's supposed to be? Like sure, they could be considered factors in his decision but when it comes down to it, it's really all about penelope
#i also think the lack of telemachus mentions this saga is 1 really interesting and 2 fucking hilarious#hes kind of becoming like a tertiary goal and the implications there make me insane#maybe ill make a separate post about that later#epic the musical#epic the thunder saga#thunder saga#i have to say. personally. if my crew had done all that id sacrifice myself just to spite them#oh you think im selfish? guess ill kill myself to prove you wrong. also i dont want to live having been stabbed in the gut#or back as it may be if ya know what i mean
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icl i would be at least a little happy with almost any ending for stranger things but one thing that would ruin all of it would be an epilogue (of a decade or more later)
#it would just kinda ruin the fun of imagining them doing whatever tf i want them to these days yk#like even if everyone got together the way i wanted them and got the jobs i think fit etc it would still just kill the creativity#+ even the small things would annoy me like what if i just donāt like what one of them named their kids. or dresses like in 20 years#maybe i wanted them divorced by then but that wouldāve angered the fans#maybe i wanted to imagine that single personās future spouse myself (or keep them single in my head)#what if i want them to recover from this or that or still be working on it. what if i the adult/older actors look shit#anyways point is do not do an epilogue timeskip of more than 5/6years PLEASE i am begging u duffer brothers#stranger things#byler#<- u guys get me on this yk#even if byler isnāt canon at the end i can still at least imagine they do in uni or in their 30s or whenever#as long as there isnāt some fucking scene where mike and el r old and married in 2023 or something#would just kinda ruin all of it; making us see them as old ass adults with their entire lives set it stone yk#manifesting a few month/year timeskip where everyone gets a happy ending isnāt all āand then they lived a nice life in this specific wayā#and especially manifesting that we donāt get an#āi havenāt seen you guys in decades howāve you been? sucks that erica died in a car crash last year. she was almost 40ā#type epilogue (if we must have one)#like no hate to amphibia and that one 80s movie but it just kinda makes what happened before a bit pointless if it focused on their#relationships at all#like cool we spent years watching these friendships grow and adapt only for u to go āyeah and weāre strangers now soz :)ā like ok so none o#that lasted#idgaf if itās ārealisticā if i wanted realistic representation of childhood friends into adulthood id think about real life and shit#idk random rant if they do any of this shit i WILL kill all of them and then myself#ryan shut the fuck up
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like itās so. i donāt want to say isolated necessarily. but so much itās own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i donāt think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and itās like. cmon. wouldnāt it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like iām like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isnāt within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesnāt actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place iām in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think itās making this worse. especially because itās henryās dadās local#and where henryās wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. itās like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and itās going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i havenāt even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadnāt come back iād be in a normal mental state#by now. thatās the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i donāt want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like itās not even worth the effort because itās so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i canāt deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and itās so exhausting and i canāt sleep and thereās so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#iāve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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I have to write a relatively long German paper, and man its just so difficult for me. The pro side is that I can pick any topic I want, so of course I picked Charles VI. But I've literally not written any German in months, and I'm almost 100% sure our prof doesn't actually read them. I should just write and submit boy king fic....
#i wish it was in English#bcs i would be very happy about it#but i have lost so much capacity for any German writing#bcs he sucks so much as a prof and has dropped the ball on actual language learning imo#how am i supposed to suddenly write a 7-8 pg paper after youve spent all our class time just lecturing at us#and giving us no real opportunity to really learn or test our skills#i shall.. probably just cheat.#LIKE i want to learn german so badly#but what the fuck is the point of even trying when i know im not going to get actual feedback on my writing#why should i even try at that point. put that much effort in and know that he doesnt really care at all#it just sucks so much bcs i genuinely love and am so fascinated w the topic#but the idea that id put so much work into translating it only for him not to read it really kills me#again. just submit boy king fic and see if he notices sjfkgllblb#but do you know what i mean? like im sure ill write a good version in english that i think is actual good content#but translating it is such a lost cause bcs all the effort is reallt for nothing#like atp im jusy interested in the history more than making an effort w the language#ugh i wish i wasnt this way but yknow lack of stimulation anf feedback really kills my enjoyment and interest#like see i can convince myself that thr eng version of teh paper is my typical personal research#<- i mean im making a fucking family tree for funsies so this isnt that far off#but the translation part is so difficult bcs my german has been eroding a bit SOB SOB#lol anyways i say this bcs i was plotting a boy king fic in my head as i was goong to bed#and was like oh i shoulf write it out tmr! and then remembered I HAVE AN ESSAY UGH#well yeah. suffering. we'll see how i feel abt i write the original copy and if i have the capacity to germanify it#i just feel so guilty about it. cheating. I dont want to and it feels so low effort and terrible#but why would i force myself thru all that for a guy who barely reads it#catie.rambling.txt
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#the bugz speak#I think I might be mentally ill guysā¦ā¦.#I wish I could disappear off the face of the planet#and not in a suicidal way. in a self isolation way#im not doing good today and I wish I could talk to my friends personally about it#but I feel like a burden. I feel like a burden when I talk about myself. especially my feelings#LIKEā¦. every time I find myself talking too much about me or the things I like. i want to disappear#Im sorry I wasted your time with talk about me. i know I just supposed to be the sound board but fuck man#Id kill to feel safe with someone#well. not actually KILL. but I would do a lot to feel safe with someone#but I dont think I ever really have#i love my friendsā¦ I love my bestie#but I just cant fully trust them to not hurt me#i dont want a self fufilling prophecy. i dont want to keep being hurt. but im so fucking sensitive#but fuck manā¦. I have moment where I regret opening up- get physically sick to my stomach thinking about it#So how am I supposed to open up when Ill always regret it?#i want to cry. i love my friends and I want to feel safe#I want a safe person#vent posting
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anger issues and suicidal ideation cant fucking TOUCH me dudešŖ
#squeaking#I cant believe sertraline actually works#It didnt work last time so its weird#But also im reaching the end of puberty too#And i actually have friends now which probably helps#But i feel so rational#I didnt even think about killing myself yesterday even though one of my friends totally backstabbed me#Normally in that situation id be breaking shit#but i was just like. Ah i see.. Well.. They arwnt worth my time.. And i blocked them#I DIDNT EVEN HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT SPIRAL#normally if i feel even a little rejected ots like#All mu friends hate me -> im a bad person -> i will never be worthy of human connection -> im really gping to do it this time#But not yesterdayyyy no no no#I feel actually fine#i feel so normal#its great
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when you meet a Guy and he is 99.9% perfection but the Holy Spirit says no
#i donāt like like guys often (my last crush was high school) so when i do i just š³ get a lil fluttered#soo when i met this guy the first time i was like o heās cute and sweet and just easy to talk to and i was like if i allowed myself j could#let myself like him but then i didnāt see him for a while kinda forgot about him one of my friends is close with him so id see him on his i#story a lot this summer and it was like oh ya heās cute whatever#but last saturday i saw his at this lil party and omgoodness heās so cute in person#and GUYS!! MUTUALS MY BELOVED šš„¹š« š¤š« HE TAUGHT ME HKW TO PLAY POOL AND HE WAS TOUCHING MY HAND AKSKDKJDKDKFKFJJFJFF#and there was a lot of casual touching and stuff omgoodness and he was buying everyone soda and stuff and he smelt sooo good#and tHEN AT THE END OF THE NIGHT I GAVE HIM MY SNAP#but then i was praying when i got home before bed and was talking to the Holy Spirit and He was like you could have a relationship w/ this#person and everything would be great physically and emotionally but you will suffer spirtiually and then i started thinking about the progr#ss i've made this summer w/ my relationship w/ God and ya it's definitely not worth it i wouldn't trade Jesus for anything or one#soo now i have to kill the streak i have with him on snap bc it's just not wise to be talking back and forth yk? and if God says so i gotta#do it#ig it's hard cause it's nice being liked liking someone who likes you but God knows better than me soooooo pay ya girl listens and has#and i was talking to my friend who knows him better than me and she was like ya he's such a sweet kind funny guy but he doesn't have a rela#ionship w/ God as far as she knows sooo#the strength to withstand š#vk overshares in the tags
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About DA Legends: I couldn't confirm this but I read that one ending boon in Origins sets up a new Circle in West Hill, and that's the Jainen Circle.
ok this has been in my inbox for 3 months because i never got round to checking this, but im currently going through dialogue files for an unrelated reason and got reminded of this
if the warden dies and they're a mage, alistair/anora will say the following:
I wish to see the Circle restored. However, I understand that the Veil at the tower is too weak. That being the case, I wish a new tower built--with the Chantry's aid. And it will bear the Hero's name.
there's nothing to say it's in west hill (unless that's mentioned in some other media), although jainen is in the waking sea bannorn anyway (but likely off the coast of the west hill bannorn, so it's close)
that said, this is absolutely a contender for the jainen circle. id say it's completely unintended, but im gonna accept it because that's just what you've gotta do with legends lore
#you have no idea how EXCITED this makes me#like ive partly been ignoring the ask because i was like 'nahhhh id have heard about that if it was true'#but like. it IS on the wiki. ive just never read the funeral section. it took reading the actual dialogue file for the funeral to see it#thank you anon; idk if id have made the connection myself on just reading that they were setting up a new circle#im surprised it's not mentioned in the non-funeral ending. you can get autonomy for the circle but they dont say anything about rebuilding#even though..........yeah it's gonna be a fucked place for the veil. they definitely cant have a circle in that location anymore#MUCH TO THINK ABOUT..!!!#da#dao#dragon age#dragon age origins#dragon age legends#dal#dragon age lore#dragon age meta#personal#i hate that this isnt even hard info to find. it's just right there at the start of the epilogue page on the wiki. it's RIGHT THERE#unless we're talking specifically about the west hill bit. havent found that yet if it is out there. maybe in some other obscure dialogue#not that the funeral is obscure. i just dont kill my warden. i did it once for the achievement
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I say this often but its crazy how much of a vortex depression is.
#I dont feel like... safe or particularly fulfilled rn and i have major major mood swings at least once a week but its not like.#Bleak as fuck. I think the language of 'the world is without colour' never does it for me bc thats how id describe it when im out of it#but when im depressed my main feeling is that i am a person that was born without a soul whose main purpose in life is to kill myself#because i cant bear to do or think anything else. And like even talking about it while in that mental state feels incredibely like.#Like youre doing something disgusting because its a cry for attention or for help so you have to put it in a way that makes it clear that#you are not trying to escape your destiny by trying to convince someone you are worthy of living.#And then like. At some point you stop feeling like that and you forget about it...#until youre there again. and you forget what its like to not be in it. its crazyyyy to me its just crazy#barking#ultimately im very lucky.#Because i really dont believe you can just will yourself out of that hole i really think the enviroment is like 99% of it#and well i will prolly end up in that hole again maybe even this year. but maybe ill have something to pull me out#some ability to change the thing thats making me feel like that#and idk its so like. awful that that isnt always the case. sometimes youre just drowning in it and theres nothing#just my late night thoughts thats why i need that weed bad man
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there's something deeply wrong with me
#thinking about how i genuinely would have impulsively tried to kill myself if id had means with me and it was genuine forgetfulness that#made me not bring them because i expected to be stressed enough to want to self harm.#like this is very much messed up but it's the truth. anyway i haven't harmed myself today. but like. idk i feel like ive been Doing Better#And Yet-#truly i think anxiety/depression has been mildly better than it was but ive compensated by having lots more ed thoughts which is fun#(/lying)#(it is not fun at all it is hellish)#anyway.#tw ed#tw sh#tw suicide#on the plus side ive only experienced one (1) psychosis-leaning event since starting to reduce the antipsychotic and i shall Not be telling#doctor about htat because it was Once#tw unreality#puddleglum hours#personal
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heās annoying, i donāt like him (he hasnāt given me as much attention lately)
#im fighting for my life out here#i feel so childish and annoying. like rationally ik i canāt have his undivided attention. but that doesnāt mean i donāt want it sometimesš„ŗ#i think what actually is happening is that im worrying heās about to ghost#i feel bad thinking that though. bc he seems like a very honest and mature person? with how he talks abt things i donāt think he would rly#ghost me after talking for this amount of time. but ya never can tellā¦. every time we donāt talk as much for a few days i get very nervous#and itās weirdly quite difficult to push that worry out of my head. and then i get annoyed with myself for worrying about it to begin with#like i canāt control what he does so why worry about his hypothetical actions? iāll deal w the consequences of them if or when they occur.#if we stop talking iāll feel sad and iāll miss him for a bit and then iāll get over it. thatās all. itās not that bad.#but anyway my point is we good#sometimes idk if id truly feel That sad. i think it depends how it ends.#or maybe i just donāt think anyone can hurt my feelings as much as the first person to hurt my feelings in a specific way#like you experience a loss or betrayal or grief - whatever - the first time and itās all encompassing. it feels like it could genuinely kill#you it hurts so bad. and every subsequent loss or betrayal or grief you experience just isnāt the same? you barely flinch#maybe itās because you learn to process those emotions better or maybe itās keeping things at armās length as a protective measure#that means nothing hurts as much as the first thing#idk#this became a silly ramble#im just very attached to him and i miss him when heās busy but also donāt want to ask too much for fear of being a nuisance or rejected :)#ykwim?#i miss him a lot
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I'm really fucking terrified of quitting my job. kind of fucking awful how being jobless even briefly can be utterly catastrophic
#idk how long id be without insurance š#i would still have some money coming from my other job in the meantime but my hours there are pretty limited#bc they cut our department budget and as it is we're only allowed an absolute max of 19.5 hrs a week#im so fucking afraid of not having enough money#so like. i WANT to not quit and to stick it out a little bit longer but im also fucking terrified that if i do that like#ill just kill myself or something lmao. like. i dont think id actually do it. but i also dont want to keep crying constantly#and having pani attacks every fucking day because of this#panic*#i dont know what to do#everyone is telling me to quit but jesus. what if i need money?? what will i do??#maybe i should apply for a small loan first? while i can still report the income?? but then what if i dont need it...#and what about all the work ive put into the union. i dont want to throw it all away but idk if anyone would take my place#as the person doing a good 75% of the legwork. i guess i could keep going to meetings and taking notes but like. yeah.
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sgot to basically the end of b.b/s on ve/ntus' side (yknow, the guy im very connected to, whos being harassed by the guy im afraid of?? that one) and my Fucking Psp Died after about 10 minutes of cutscenes so im gonna have to watch those again to see the end of them!!!!!!! and theyd already inflicted immense dread staring at a wall for trn ninutes and Phantom Stabbing Pains on me this is fine . i would have been screaming on here if i had words to scream with
#k/h tag#said at 11.15 id play for like 30 min before bed . 2 hours later ive nearly finished the game#hhhhhhhhhhhhhh . idk how im gonna do the end fights . the first side is fine because i Wasnt Fucking Scared Of The-#-Final Boss Character . ******* though?? hhhhhhhhhhhhh no . dont like it . very bad please keep him away from me#personally if ******* was following me around and threatening me and my friends i would kill myself immediately !#[insert joke about how i dont have to kms on account of him maybe killing me first#im coping so well this is so fun and kids game for kids is not making me insane#the only upside to this is my cohost is Also going through it . pausing cutscene every ten seconds because one of us is screaming#she kinda drew thw short straw with the getting kicked out of your body thing but also i got Murdered probably so whos really losing here#i LOVE how i thought i could play b.b/s and not get problems becahse so/ra isnt in it. GREAT PLAN#its given me more problems than all the other games put together i think
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hauuggghhh
#i mustvget over things#people do not like me and thats ok. i actively made sure people didnt like me and gave u easily snd didnt put effort into relationships if#i felt insecure#i shouldnt feel bad just people other people are secure enough in themselves to have those relationships#and i do have people who like me. it just never feels like enough due to the depression so i look for things elsewhere and assume theres#some thing i dont have that WOULD make me feel great and whole when in reality thats unfortunately not true without medication#phew. it is okay#i am different things to different people ; most of those people know me as the shy abused girl. its hard to want to hang out w Shy abused#girl who cried every day at the back of the class and cuts herself#i cant change peopleās perception of me (at least not immediately. and knowing me i do not have the back bone to challenge people or#outwardly proclaim i am different)#snd i cant make people want to hang out with me. i need to stop associating and seeing posts from these people who make me upset to see#i wonder if thay is healthy. i dont plan to distance forever and ever and cut them all off like i still hang out w them and see them#but i just dont want to be close to them for a while. i dont want to be associated#they made me so upset and hurt me repeatedly. they werent friends to me#all theure doing is.. continuing not being friends to me. maybe im jus lt upset because my friends forgot my bday and others get to have#theirs#i dunnoooo.. sigh#is THAT healthy? to still be upset over what ppl did and continue to hang out w them? unsure#i think i need to focus primarily on new relationships#hm. or rather#ugh. okay#i know the right thing to do is āfocus on myselfā#id be repeating the same shit over if i just āfocus on new different peopleā without changing the parts about me that lead me to have bad#relationships w pekole (my v negative self image)#but its just.so hard š mental illness makes people very competitive and mine manifested in āim yhe Best depressed person because im#actually trying to kill myself and i make sure no one helps meā#ya friend passing away kind of threw a spanner in that. im not so naive regarding death snd grief and relationships now#mm. i get angry at the people ive helped for mot helping me. but they all CAME to me. and i just expect them to come to me#thats not necessarily true i do put effort into helpinf people even when theyre being mean or very avoidant towards help bc like.
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Fuck fucking fucking fukc fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
#somebody shoot me in the foot before i DO IT MYSELF#im kidding. im fine. im not immensely stressed out right now. for absolutely no reason. other than a sick dog and sleep deprivation.#im not fighting the incredibly strong urge to cry#WHAT NOOO WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT#IM NOT#hah#this really is like a diary for me.#i know yall aint reading š#but its nice to think maybe one or two people somewhere out there maybe know my struggle and listen to my incoherent ramblings#basically just dont have mutuals at all anymore#i know i am speaking to the void as it were#i say stuff like 'i dont know if you'll read these posts' but its like i know. ik. ikikikik. you arent watching. you arent reading.#not because you dont care#but bc you have shit to work through too#and for probably similar reasons that im not looking at your profiles you also arent looking at mine#also i dont want you to see this truly#i think if i did i would probably send it to you cause we both know im kind of pathetic that way. plus ive said some hurtful things#about you on this blog in the past few weeks#because ITS LITERALLY LIKE MY DIARY#and i do a lot of processing on here. then theres the posts about ykw. it killed me seeing the posts that i saw about him so i dont want to#assume you just wouldnt feel anything similar. maybe not same but similar#so#so ultimately i think id rather you dont see the personal posts on this blog#if only for the sake of your own mental state bc i know how you are and how you drive yourself crazy and i dont want that#jorden speaks#not nsft#delete tag#maybe?#idk this one feels kinda raw
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