#and what about all the work ive put into the union. i dont want to throw it all away but idk if anyone would take my place

[anotherpapercut]

I'm really fucking terrified of quitting my job. kind of fucking awful how being jobless even briefly can be utterly catastrophic

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for avoiding my husband on purpose, like, all the time? my husband (m36) and i (f34) have been married for almost 10 years (anniversary in a few months). we have 3 kids (m10, f8, f1) and he works full time while i stay at home. even before we got married i didnt really have friends other than him, and i always had a hard time finding excuses to get out of the house. frequently, he gets to hang out with his buddies who he also works with, and ever since we had kids he's always going out and leaving me home alone even when hes not at work just to idk. hang out at bars and pretend we don't exist. well lately ive been making time for myself to go out when the kids are at school (my youngest is pretty well behaved so i just take her with me instead of paying a babysitter) and i had managed to get kinda friendly with some of the wives of my husbands coworkers (theyre all members of the same union, so we see each other at those functions every once in awhile). i thought it was all going well and i was having fun and enjoying getting to be social for once, but about 2 weeks ago, the whole family was invited out for lunch (a picnic type thing) with his buddies from work's families. all was going well and for the most part even the kids were having fun, but then my husband got absolutely fucking trashed for no reason. none of the other guys were acting like that, and we've had conversations about him not doing that sort of thing, but he NEVER listens. he's always acting like this, but usually i dont have to see when its in public. well he embarrassed me so fucking much. he was trying to start fights, messing up his clothes, and wouldn't listen to me at all. just in his own world as always. i should've known because its been a decade of this, but i could have sworn it wasn't this bad before. he wasn't like this when we dated you know? so we got home and i was just. grossed out and annoyed. i slept on the couch and pretty much ever since then, i haven't been talking to him. i got a text from one of the ladies saying that a wednesday hangout thing i had been invited to had been canceled, but i pretty much KNOW 100% that it wasn't, and that they just don't want to be associated with me now. the kids don't really seem bothered by the tension around the house (i think its sort of normal to them since hes frequently not around anyways). i wouldn't be near as annoyed if there wasn't a part of my brain telling me "he did it on purpose". i know that's just how he acts but i could SWEAR its almost like he just doesnt want me to have friends. he doesn't want to hear about it, he just wants me THERE at home, watching the kids and existing solely for his convenience. i used to consider divorce, before we had our youngest. but i haven't had a job since high school, and i couldnt put the burden of asking for help on my sisters. they hate him, but i couldnt ask them for that support. and i dont even know what the kids would think, i cant do that to them. but yesterday, my husband brought it up (cornered me in our room pretty much) and asked why i was ignoring him. what if he really didnt know why? i TOLD him, but its like he forgot or just expects me to be "over it" by now. all i wanted was just this one thing, to HAVE FRIENDS, have that time away from being just "mom" and do what i want. he gets to do that so why cant i? or AT LEAST he could put some more effort into being around and doing things as a family? but i still wonder if im being the asshole, for giving him the cold shoulder for this long. he didnt have a happy childhood or good examples for parents so maybe he just thinks this is normal? i never asked because i assumed he knew it wasn't. and he does seem like, disappointed that i wont come to bed. maybe ive been driving him off and that's why he doesnt like to come home? idk at this point, im at a loss. aita?

[born-in-hell]

Ive been seeing lots of opinions on the QSMP admin situation here, after both Dapper and Pomme resigned and Quackity's statement, and i feel like some things should be said:

Firstly, yes, the abusive higher ups are to blame, immensely. But Quackity, as the CEO, is not free of responsibility. Not being involved, at all, with such an immense project, as the head of it all, is honestly so insane.

(I genuinely believed he didn't participate on the QSMP as a player because he worked so much behind the scenes, and it's unbelievable to me how he lied to us all.)

We must remember this is his project. With his name. He won awards and recognition worldwide because of it. He has so much to lose with all this situation. Money, reputation, friends.

Lets remember the admins have nothing to lose, at this point. They have no reason to cover things up or lie, unlike the Quackity Studios higher up team.

Now, about the statement he made last night.

The "legal reasons" — despite being a coherent explanation for not telling us, the audience, anything — arent an excuse for completely ghosting his employees. In fact, communicating actively with the people that work for him, could avoid him a lawsuit.

The leaks are not an excuse for not communicating w his employees. Keep in mind, Léa only came out because of the lack of communication. If Quackity had dealt with this stuff internally — as he should've done — Léa wouldn't have gone public in the first place.

Grouping all these people — the exploited and tired workers and the disappointed fans — into mere "haters" and saying they all just want the project to fail and to ruin Quackity's image is a really bad faith statement. Either he does not understand the situation (which is, imo, still really bad for him as the owner and CEO) or he just wants to discredit every and all criticism.

I can bet u every single admin in there put their heart and soul into the project. Their 2023 was defined by the project. They withstood way too much just so the project and Quackity's image would be protected, that's why we never heard about any of the exploitative conditions they worked under until Léa came out.

Most — if not all — of the admins signed up bc they love the QSMP, and wanted to help make it the best it could be.

But everyone has a limit. And this was theirs.

This might not be the end of the QSMP. But how will it hold up to what it was, without the eggs, the fun NPCs, the french, and Bad? I dont know.

About the Union:

Not emailing Quackity and waiting for him to contact them is certainly one of the decisions ever made. I don't quite understand the logic behind it, to be honest. It's not illegal, as far as i know, and i don't know how common that is, despite believing it's not very.

And i don't believe we should hold Quackity entirely responsible for not talking to them. Although, someone, like Aypierre, or Bad, or Antoine, or anyone else that has access to him and knows about the Union's involvement, must've told him.

Or not, we don't know.

And about the statement being public, i believe it was intentional. It's a public threat to him. They don't merely want to sue Quackity Studios, they want us, the fans, to know why they want to sue and that they are going to sue if they can't reach an agreement.

They are mobilizing the audience.

If that's a good move or not, judge it yourself.

I just believe not holding Quackity accountable for his decisions, as the owner of the company is wrong. And holding him accountable is not the same as hating the project.

[dandelion-eyelashes-sf]

Castiel was born out of a writers strike

As an invitation to align your actions with your values/ principles

Might just work because its similar to

I want to be worthy of it

And

Live a principled life

And they want us all exhausted and isolated so that we dont do something about it

I feel this strange torn feeling of living a double life and i think ive always felt that

There is the company line toting, amiable, yes man who cares about career development and believes that institutions are the saviors of the poor

And thats a cookie cutter persona i gotta put on while at work, while talking to my supervisor, while doing company training, and casually chatting with coworkers

And it makes me feel like an undercover agent with no missions to sabotage, just stuck there pretending

And the masking of autism doesnt help one bit either (might have a bigger role than i care to admit)

But the person hiding behind fake smiles and agreeable countenance and talking about cliftons strengths like its professional astrology is bored, apathetic, annoyed, sleepy, tired, wishing they were somewhere else

And i dont like experiencing life like that

Cuz thats how its always felt at every job and school

We have to pretend to be enthusiastic and in love with our jobs or else you’re not a team player and you can always leave (as if you dont got bills to pay and mouths to feed)

Thats why unionizing is good and should be a priority

I also think that everyone has felt this dissonance— that life shouldn’t be this way

You got the matrix (cool movie) and them smelly red pilled incels online that totally missed what the movie was doing

You got christians who say that life will never be fully and wholly satisfying cuz true satisfaction will come on the day they’re w the good lord and that life feels wrong cuz we are all supposed to be in eden but humanity’s sin made it to what it is today

Theres a lot of other explanations that dont talk about capitalism, imperialism, white supremacy/christianity supremacy, all these fucked up systems that institutions and governments etc uphold, enforce and reinforce

This structure sucks ass and its killing us and our planet

[certified-anakinfucker]

📖 RN NOW PLS

you have no idea how far back i had to go in my OLD ask tag to find this fucking link. i love you kebbie i really do and i hope this genuinely proves it - so send me a book for a daydreamed story of mine! trust me i have many!

this ask has deadass been in my box for two years now um. holy fuck. its gonna be super long bc this is actually my excuse to force myself to figure out how this fucking story actually goes. youre my sacrificial lamb, babe <3

under the cut for toxic/abusive relationship themes | mostly stemming from not putting an end to toxic cycles and briefly refusing to believe it was an issue

so i had this old ass wip, right. it was called parisian lovers despite no one in the entire story being french whatsoever and it was basically a love story for a sexual relationship with danger turning into a genuine view into what happens when you dont. like check yourself before running headlong into what you think you want

ive since started readapting it to (surprise) swtor and an excuse to explore sith pureblood (henceforth referred to as "tsis") cultures surrounding whats considered normal in their dating/relationships, and also how it challenges familial relationships

the details of it are super fuzzy mostly bc all the meat of it was lost to twitter dms that i refuse to open. so heres a quick fast easy rundown

basically, youve got tsiksos. he is the third born and third son of an extremely powerful and wealthy union of bloodlines, and since hes really not the most important one, he decides he wants to study a niche theory of dark arts. something about how channeling power needed to cast sorcery can be amplified through vocals and choreography. basically he went to a contemporary dance school for the shadow wizard money gang

tsiksos meets ûtainoz, who is practically a beast in this school. he sees the valedictorian spot and hes steamrolling anyone he needs to. hes ruthless, hes heartless, hes a smooth-talker, he will do anything to get his way, and tsiksos found that hot and sexy and definitely worth falling in love with

predictably, this goes terribly. tsiksos doesnt know what the hell he walked into, only that he may as well enjoy it because hes sleeping with the hottest, most talented guy at this school. ûtainoz got a little too comfortable, though, and by the end of their tenure there lost his valedictorian spot to tsiksos,,, who was also gunning for it right under his nose

but whatever, its fine, they go their separate ways with the taste of one anothers venom permanently burned in each others mouths. they both fill their own niches. ûtainoz goes into more of a performative, traveling role and relies on his aesthetic rather than his power - whereas tsiksos followed through with his intent and deepened his connection to the dark arts through what he learned. he became something of a siren, honestly

anyway anyway anyway. tsiksos moves off of his homeworld. he decides he wants to actively burn fires through everywhere ûtainoz has been. and hes extremely successful. he wants to win, he needs to win, he will win. he meets utajhaiw while in the new city, and while poor utajhaiw falls in love - tsiksos sees someone he can keep close with him if he just uses all the right words.

which works! theyre together, its great, theyre fucking almost daily. but they argue every hour. to the point where it gets violent more often than not with tsiksos on the offensive. the arguments are largely fabricated or instigated out of boredom. but isnt it worth it for the sloppy nasty disgusting hateful makeup sex?

yeah well. the neighbors of their apartment dont think so. theyve nearly called the cops every time, until neighbor laishtzi comes over to investigate what just hit the wall. he gets pulled, literally, into the middle of their fuck. his partner rîshja follows and, likewise, gets pulled into the middle of their fuck. its like some sort of apology thing for them too and it becomes regular.

enter: their friend nunjor, a lawyer (i think. something like that) who also ! gets pulled into the sex life. whats worse is that both tsiksos and utajhaiw both fell in love with nunjor and wanted to have him as a permanent third.

sometime after this, the whole hatefucking thing gets a little too hateful. tsiksos actually genuinely nearly kills utajhaiw, and hes starting to hide the knives in earnest. nunjor suggests that they attend actual couples' things instead of just their joint performances where utajhaiw plays and tsiksos conjures something.

they try it. they enjoy it. their relationship actually improves. they make a vase together in a ceramics class.

by the way, utajhaiw has asthma. tsiksos has been stressing him out so bad hes started smoking. on purpose. yes it is what you think it is and tsiksos thinks its hot because he wants to shotgun the smoke from his mouth

anyway, something happens and tsiksos starts backsliding. they have another argument and he breaks their ceramic vase. all that dust from the glaze and the clay triggers a pretty bad asthma attack, bad enough that the neighbors come over (it had been so long without an incident) and call the paramedics to come get him. utajhaiw actually snaps at tsiksos in the middle of literally coughing himself to death, and this is uh. a little traumatizing. because its never been this bad before.

utajhaiw makes it to the hospital fine, refuses to see tsiksos, and nunjor is on utajhaiw's side - that was fucking uncalled for, dude. tsiksos goes back to their apartment, alone for the first time since they bought it together. naturally he should not be alone at this time

laishtzi phones a friend, kaqur (psychiatrist-adjacent) and his partner jashru (probably a psychologist, if not professional "wtf is wrong with you, stop that"). they agree to take tsiksos in while utajhaiw is back home with his family.

its about a year i think? that tsiksos stays with them, basically on s-watch, and it turns out he has a really severe derealization + depersonalization whammy going on, spurned from still dressing the way ûtainoz liked him to dress and the way other people wanted to see his body. he punched through a mirror. so once he started dressing in looser, more comfortable clothing - surprise! he felt better!!!

(meanwhile, utajhaiw spent a year at home strengthening his lungs again, writing songs and poetry, and reconsidering his entire life. spoiler alert: he actually was in love with tsiksos)

but things are never easy. at some point, tsiksos has a bit of a meltdown and breaks out of his little prison, steals the spare key to his apartment, and ends up burrowing in the bed wearing utajhaiws clothes and sleeping on his side of the bed because he feels so fucking bad about what he did to him. but uhhhhhhh.

apparently nunjor also decided to pay a visit that night. and tsiksos, in some nightmare-sleep-haze, reacts to nunjor trying to wake him as if he were ûtainoz - meaning he tried to apologize through offering his body. rubbing his hands on his thighs, face in his crotch (since nunjor was standing at the side of the bed). when nunjor gently corrected him and woke him (not that he would have been upset at the idea of fucking him again, buth he didnt seem to be in the right headspace) it actually uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sent tsiksos into a worse panic. scrambling out of the bed. tripping on something. breaking a glass.

oh, hello ptsd - it sure is nice crab-scrambling backwards on your hands and bare feet over glass while hyperventilating and sobbing so hard you genuinely cant see. again, laishti and rîshja to the rescue getting him back to kaqur and jashru.

so heres where the fun happens. ûtainoz comes back. hes genuinely changed for the better, he is apologetic. he wants to make it up to the person he hurt the worst. does tsiksos take him up on that? yes. should he have? yes, actually, because he needed the closure.

they start rekindling what little flame they had together. days turn into weeks, months, and theyre getting along just fine. apparently nunjor had left, and tsiksos had no comm - by the time tsiksos noticed, it was uh. almost a little too late.

theres a time where tsiksos and ûtainoz are in a speeder together and ohhhh nunjor is a poet, its in his full name, but he also composes. he sings. and he sings about how badly someone has just lifted him higher than ever before dropping him down into nothing. tsiksos has a breakdown on the lawn of some random recreational park.

things will get better again, though! somewhere along the way, tsiksos and ûtainoz make peace with who they are and who they were. nunjor comes back and he and tsiksos talk it out. they forgive each other. and then tsiksos and utajhaiw reunite. they explain a lot. they forgive each other.

tsiksos/utajhaiw/nunjor throuple endgame is the only thing that matters to me actually.

thanks for coming to my ted talk i love you so much

[solardick]

They just deleted my post. Guess they dont like the truth about politics, symbols and brainwashing. And are anti-bible. Though they kept all my bs insanity and unhealthy blog ramblings of insanity.

Though on another note. That that this blog has gone persoanl

Again. Right as i het my post deleted as im wtyping about the letter X on the sun card and the russian symbols of war. Trying to usuro that place. To keep the motion of being bullied. I leave on that note. Step outside put on my ball cap. Toronto mapleleafs. And what doni see? A boy and girl playing ball. Boy with the bat girl with the glove. And then an emergency alarm goed off. An ambulance or cruiser. One of the two. The X on the suncard. And go shopping for some “healthy foods” and get eyed by a homely girl. Not beautiful. But not ugly. Onyl

A little bit. Shes getting turned on. Cuase im sexy. While shopping woth her boyfriend. Id tap that.

The X is a multifaceted symbol. Meaning no and yes. Usually tommy cause when ever the suncard is involved. Its a bad X. It’s treasure. Or treasure turn bad by bs? X marks the spot. If y’all a criminal.

So according to this experience Waites an asshole.

Think sje was lactose intolerate. She mentioned skemthign along those lines searching fir the item she couldnt find ont he shleves. She likes the fact that i alsompicked up some chocolat almond milk, roght beside.

She said hmm. And she’s right. Thats good stuff.

If Putin was an american he would have been assasinated by now like all americans get.

Something bothers me anout the sun card. And the X. Shouldnt it be the moon card instead?

The rising of the sheild hero? Hey look its my story in anime form. Gonlim slayer was awesome. Too. Is there goblins? No? Thrn i dont care.

Anyway the briliance of the lost post as turn to something dumb. Ugh.

Anyway to continue on.

И = and. В = in, on, at. Я = I, as in myself since the letter I capital on this type setting is obscure. A = and, but. An And with contrast. К = to, toward, by. У = at, by, near the subject. О = about; or as an English equivalent of Oh!” С = with, off, from, since.

? “Ok you want to see what i got.

Yoo nad you miss out on the best post ive ever was working on. Guess you inly get “12th house bs” cause its taurus. Choose better times luv. Instead of proving yourself right.

On accounted over-layering alphabets. Number 23. Outside the bounds of tarot, save for cyclic repetition. Is given letters Х and W. which is curious. Considering these are the letters for cards the moon and the sun. Х is akin to the sun card but here under the russian guise is closer to its english counterpart of letter H. Which classically is placed upon the lovers card. Curious how the sun card plays the image of a boy and a girl playing under the sun. To fallow symbolic layering. The english letter H, the lover(s) in russian is to the letter N. which is used as the strength card. Here classically shows the image of the feminine (moon) overpowering the sun. The lion. But here is given to the number 8. Letter Ж. A mirrored image of the letter K. As justice. And brought near the letter J as the chariot. Justice being blind. Cannot see its own reflection. And here number eight is brought in bounds to the tarot sequences as number 8 is given to justice. Or to waites strength as union or harmony. Which works in a way as justice is shown holding to seperate objects. Which being a number 1. And strenght shows the entanglement of the moon and the sun. But… waites lovers card. Shows the feminine overlayering the sword and the masculine overlayering the scales of balance. The angel in the sky above them serves as the negatikn dash connecting two 1s. Here there is no harmony. But a clash. An obstruction between them. The feminine and the serpent. And its reflection of the white horsemen and the spear killing the hell bound “masculine”. To fall inline with the letter Ф and the letter V. On number 22. Extinguishing the flames.

TemperaNce shows as the letter R and the russian letter Р. She’s pouring one vessel into another. Which is all good. Save that P in english is given to the hanged man. Temperance being a woman.

It would seem the purpose of the russian war supported by the latin alphebet by the americans serves a purpose of its putpetuayion for as long as possible. Considering the high general of the russian forces was given to a young man in his thirties suggests a long ongoing war that may last decades. This forces russian symbolism of its reformed alphabet on the peoples of the americas. Part of the dialogue. I was discussing in the last deleted post. Playing on the tussina war machine using alphabetical symbols foreign to their own alphabet. Letters Z, V, and letters O and X. As for the media sayign. Nations placimg a ban on displaying the letter Z. As a criminal offence. It not being a native letter of their own alphabet.

What if it was?

Co sidering the americas canada included are the nations of the moon and the russian/chinesse connection being the nations of the sun. Rising sun. As russia is still a baby considering its reformation from a dictatorial political state into a democracy that works very similarly to the united states.

Astologically speaking they would be a first quarter nation and the americas a second quarter nation. Producing a square. Of conflict.

Тоже доже, Доже тоже. Also god. God too.

Here in this post we find ingredients to be placed in the makings of another card. Russian is a very dificult language. But shows strong similarities to the latin alphabet used predominantly in the western sphere of life. It holds strong traces of english and french and various other languages that it absorbs into its culture. A conglomerate.

And thoughts of adding a hammer and a scythe into the script isn’t a gain of representing a dictatorial state. As has been pushed upon them in changing their flag. To the now red, white and blue. The same three colours of the american flag. But on the contrary, the hammer and scythe images binds the industrial to the agricultural. As well as duty and responsibility for active production for growth and sustainment. It also brings added associations to the court. And if the tower was to be modeled after a nail. Or an anvil. Shows other sognificant associations to the ise of a hammer. As well as the scythe to the empress card and the domain or Дом meaning the home. Personal responsibilty of relying on oneself, hard work discipline for survival and not solely relying on hand outs. As the tarot encourages. With its aces.

The first cloud portent ive ever recorded. Near 20 years ago. Was the russian image of the hammer amd the scythe, and a syringe, this preceding the actual start of the war with ukraine about rights and the survival of the self agaisnt what was lost to them. Thoigh i am not advocating any disposition of heresy or treason. Just the facts as ive learned them.

When the devil moves against you. God is there to let you know the truth. Its a factual statement to my experience. And if i wear a crucifix, it isn’t pro BS warped in the minds of the commoners. To the belief of ultimate suffering to the bringing out of an internal Jesus. I dont think anywhere in the bible does it say anything about suppressing feminine sexuality. Seems to me all it stated in the old testament. Is to stay true to ones higher self. To the conscience. For the second that line is crossed. A king dies. No leniency what so ever. Hard core militant christians. Sicken me. Those judgemental coksukrs. But im off topic an dbeing opinionated. And i dont hild to opinions. What o say today may differ from i say tomorow. Personaly. I find the hindues truer than the christian to the state of sanity, of good mental health.

As a canadian. I can say that flag. Is a matter of debate. A dead, dying, fallen leaf off a tree surrounded by red. Supposeldy representing the oceans. Of blood. Canada being named after a native village or hut or whatever. Isnt a far fetch from a tortured jesus on a stick and the down fall of the home. One cant say that death is a beautiful thing after ome tortured their entire family. And if that was the case then why has there been such complications when dealing with natibe american peoples? Not that far off in history. Where it becomes a criminal act to purchase from them to save on being taxed. Or as the war on marijuana, as a criminal offense while still being able to order from a magazine sold in most stores.

Ive never seen god’s eyes. But ive seen the devil’s. He lives here on earth, meddling with every level.

So, i hold no loyalty. Or trust in anything. Im a dying red leaf in perpetual fall. Because i know the snows are coming. And there nothing that can be done about it. And so i pray to the warmth of the sun. Whomever, and where ever she may be.

Or some bs like that.

Anyway, theres some truth hidden in there somewhere. Maybe you’ve already glimpsed it while reading. And while being born in hell, life is a waste of time. And im still the same person i was 30 years ago. Nothing in me as changed. Neither do i want it to. Because i know i am right. If i wasnt god wouldnt be there helping me. I did name my guitar jesus. As a teenager. Even though i couldnt never play it. I knew what ive done. And the family did nothing but torture me for decades. Killed my pets. Broke my eggs. Beat me up drug me up. … the list goes on. And after being abused by fags, and lowlives. And femmenists. And straights, they raped my psyche, called me a fag and gave me a desease. And to the nations atheists, to be loathed for believing in god. And even though one of the cloud portents showed me id die an old man. I have no faith in that i will.

I am not. A diviner i dont even dream. It could have meant anything. Or it could have already transpired. It does fit what already happened. Sleeping under the rising of the sun. I dont know. If i need meds for the rest of my life. Its quality is alreasy dirt poor.

Ugh. Again with the bs.

[someguyventsiguess]

aug 6, 2023, 4:05am azt

its been awhile. its all been miserable. ive been trying to sleep since 10pm. its not working so here i am. i still miss him. im not resentful or bitter. i cant stop hoping that maybe we’ll get back together. i know i shouldnt. i shouldnt still be crippled by this. i shouldve at least started moving on.

ive stopped crying about it but im not sure thats an improvement. i didnt sleep at all between thursday and friday (3rd-4th) which was bad. ill wake myself up at ten today. its gonna suck. their birthday is this saturday. i have it off. that’ll be miserable. wouldnt be better if i worked but it wouldnt be a day i took off just for her.

theyre cutting my hours again. i applied at home depot. maybe ill apply other places too. doubt the library has positions i qualify. maybe i could deliver mail. money isnt super loose right now. wish i made more. unions are good. maybe i could get a union job.

i still need to renew my registration and change my address. i need to put away laundry. i need a lot of things. i wish he was still mine. i wish i was still hers. i wish we were at least still talking to eachother. i hope they decide soon. even if we arent friends at least ill have closure. i hope we are. i wish she hadnt done it by text. a call at least wouldve been nice. but i forgive him. im not sure if “its okay” but i know i forgive them. for all of it. i hope theyre taking it well. i hope school isnt too bad. i hope hes doing well.

i dont know where to go. what to hope for. theres nothing for me in the future. the economy gets worse. policies get worse. the climate gets worse. wheres there a place for me. i dont have a house to look forward to. i dont have love to look forward to. i have… nothing. theres nothing ahead for me. nothing’ll change in my life for the foreseeable future. itll just be shitty job shitty wage going to rent and bills and food.

im hopeless and lonely and depressed. im worried that im edging closer to suicidal ideation. i dont want that. i dont think im there yet. i hope im not there yet. but i dont have much to live for. only a couple of people to care about. and im not enjoying life much lately.

i just want to look at tomorrow and see a reason to look forward to it. or the next day. or the next. i want to life for something more than just the sake of it. i also want to be able to reliably fall asleep.

[andromedasummer]

is there seriously nowhere to buy textbooks in person anymore for vic uni?? wow that really is horrible. fuck all the "protestors" and their lingering sentiment. what's your opinion on vic uni as it stands now? i've heard from a lot of people that in recent years it has changed (in a negative way), and even tho the uni wasn't responsible for the protestors, i heard from some people that they weren't so keen on the uni in the aftermath. whether it was due to the proximity to parliament or i also heard the uni's response towards students was basically "tough luck" when their finances and studies were impacted due to the "protestors"

yeah we got emails and the response was straight up "nothing we can do, avoid coming in if you feel threatened" which was like. yeah?? we feel threatened? 12-18 yr old girls at the local high school had to add like 20/30 mins to their commute because if they went past the protests they would be harassed. my 19 yr old coworker was reduced to tears by a man screaming at her at the train station about her mask. she had to come into work using uber to avoid it happening again. she lived over an hour away, it was NOT cheap.

i walked past or through the protestors a lot because i had to go in that way to study, home was too busy and our internet was spotty. i had to get very used to ignoring the shouting. but the public were at boiling point by the end assaults/harassment of the general public had gone up, local businesses being invaded happened more and suddenly people were driving past the protestors throwing milkshakes or yelling at them, which only made them more aggressive.

as for whats up at vic im not sure im the best person to ask. i dont pay attention to too many of the changes and rarely participate in clubs (i did help with classical theater and uniq in my first 2 years)

what i can say is the million dollars spent on the new science centre was useless, as the reason the science department needed a new building was because their lecture halls and labs were too small. the buildings rooms are the exact same size as they were in the other building. so the science faculty are fucked if they want anything for the next decade because "oh well you just got a new building." i dont know why theyve bought that massive bloody abandoned building down the hill and dont see how paying for its destruction is going to help with costs, god knows what they plan on putting there. at least first years will stop breaking in and cutting themselves on broken glass and nails/falling through broken flooring.

i adore pretty much all but one or two lecturers ive had at vic, the good ones are exceptionally good and make attending class a joy. and because nz is so small they know everyone in their subject worth knowing and are happy to make connections with them possible which is a lifesaver. also as someone who restarted their degree cos health problems + changed subjects ive had a LOT of lecturers from psych to classics to media studies to polsci. my main problem is the problem is the treatment of lecturers.

a close friend of mine from high school works as a tutor there and as much as he adores it, every time hes ever gotten his paycheck its because his union pressed vic to send it on time. recently theres been protests by staff for better pay, which i fully support, i even attended some protests because quite frankly for the experience, knowledge and ties these people have they are paid a pittance.

as for the book stores, we have multiple bookstores here but most are secondhand. the ones that arent dont stock textbooks, because the dedicated textbook place for 50+ years has been vicbooks. i dont know who it will fall to. unitybooks maybe? or we'll just have to order online like i said before.

but with the protests, people likely got turned off heading to vic because, ultimately, parliaments down the hill from from it. literally you just gotta walk up the terrace, turn right and then walk another 5 minutes. takes 20 minutes if youre fit enough. getting into uni was near impossible for most people because you had to go through or past the protest camp to get there (unless you were lucky enough to live on the other side of the city and go up the terrace the other side). also, because the main city train station and main city bus station are/were on the other side of the camp, it made confrontation if you used those modes of transport unavoidable.

ultimately the protest is not vics fault, not by a mile. if i were to blame anyone it would be 1. the protestors themselves 2. the police, who, when i walked past on day one, had only sent a cop car and 3 cops to watch over the situation, which is how they managed to pitch all the tents/blockade the traffic/take as much ground as they did. police were woefully, woefully unprepared. 3rd blame goes to the tow companies who all refused to remove the vehicles blocking the street because they were sympathetic to the group that were spraying nazi symbols on the war monument and calling for execution of our politicians. fuck them.

honestly im just glad that its over, even a year on. my dad was coming home when the fighting broke out and he could see them throwing bricks and starting fires a street away and the riot police bearing down on them and using hose. it was incredibly unnerving to watch, esp as i had friends and family working in the buildings around there.

[reanimationstation]

Do you have any headcanons for new batdr characters? (Audrey,toon Bendy etc?)

boy do i! admittedly i haven't rotated audrey as much as i shouldve since i played batdr but in my defense ive been thinking about ben

it got long so under the cut

audrey:

i think it'd be sweet if she started to regard henry as her other father. idk if anyone has ever told her that her dad def had a crush on him but i feel like she'd still find a good mentor in him. at least someone who will listen to her.

she keeps on seeing boris around the studio and really wants to meet him but hasnt had a good excuse to (she also wants to test out her theory that all borises like to be pet like tom was)

i think that in the new cycles/iterations she should be able to figure out how to change peoples designs. like how the lost ones got more details in batdr as opposed to batim? maybe give searchers the ability to talk and all that. legs even. just to improve quality of life down there

idk what the hell happened at the end of the game but im gonna choose to ignore how it seems like she betrayed the ink demon after he trusts her because :(

ben:

baby boy. baby

yes hes still the ink demon even post game dont look at me. i. look, im taking this as a (BOOK ACCURATE) jekyll and hyde situation. same person, he just acts differently based on what society expects of him. but he didnt want to be a monster, he was forced to become one because thats what his creator (joey) thought of him as (like frankenstein!). he contains multitudes

so post game, i think he can finally start to slowly put down those walls and act as a middle ground between both extremes. he can heal, he can learn how to trust again.

that being said i think he should still be able to transform into ink demon form if he felt like it. as a treat.

not a headcanon but i forgive him, personally. if you were treated like a monster your whole life wouldn't you be ANGRY? he's done nothing wrong besides all the atrocities

i have a lot of feelings about him as you can see

autistic. i will not be elaborating

betty:

i think she should unionize post game

she'd still be audrey's housekeeper cause she likes the work but she has dental now

has weekly tea with malice, allison, heidi, and an honorary porter (and audrey when shes there) to exchange gossip

keepers:

i want them dead

poor norman was probably dissected to be studied to make them

idk if they have human in them or if theyre purely mechanical but it's probably old gent workers

i usually respect mad scientists but i hate them so much

should be killable in game change my mind

porter:

i think he got the rope after allison gave him the advice to always carry rope

i like to think he's from the heavenly toys department... probably likes to tinker and make new toys

heidi:

queen

accidentally overhears a lot of gossip when shes hiding

wears a bow because she thought it looked cute on bendy and therefore she wanted one.

doesnt hate the ink demon because when he appears its just impromptu hide and seek (if you're caught you die :D!)

archie carter

i dont actually have any interesting headcanons for him but a really funny story is that i was with my friend while she was playing and we got to his log and we both were like wow he has such a nice voice tf fav background character?? and two days later i found out it was superhorrorbro mike and i was mortified because i WATCH his videos and i didn't recognize his voice 😭 it was so embarrassing

still my favorite new background character (who has a log)

wilson:

i also dont have any headcanons for him but i hate him and i hate that audrey was siding with him for some of the game even AFTER learning about how the keepers tortured ben and augh ill stop talking

[istherewifiinhell]

reading process: chapter 196 (damn)

reading highlights: now with new and improved features

178 Yjh hesitating to fast ball special this weird little dude: pls dont die. kdj: look at me. bitch

179 Gah. can an author make a story so big even their monster cant eat it

180 I knew the 4th wall was gonna eat but i forgot IT HAS TEETH

shaking the no no can at 4th wall

gah okay yeah jesus lee sookyung [song accompaniment love run by the amazing devil]

the narrative will make you apart of it (threat)

181 '4th wall also isolated me from myself' DING DING DING

overall evaluation ⬛⬛... -> mood

gonna twach the sentient dangerous trauma response some... morals? interpersonal skills?

↳cant handle direct interaction, eats and sleeps. yea

↳im gonna take a nap right here

LJH: arent you and kdj.... yjh grimacing as being ask about his love life by his teenage ward

kdj funeral -> song accompaniment welly boots by the amazing devil (just because I left doesnt mean I'm not still there)

YJH sponsor -> praying for his fate eh?

182 [sponsors lhs 100 head pats]

SYS is literally your daughter 🥺. kdj dad who hates dads moment

183 lhs wants to be on kdj team :((((

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE LHS IN THE DRESS

(did hades make it??)

184 feeling differently after talking to 4th wall yeah pretty sure you had a break thru about dissociating there

yjh: looking with eyes not seen in TWOS -> kdj facial expression blindness trutherism

185 YJH: cause you know me sooo well kdj: starting to think i dont know this you that well

yjh thoughts: there have never been so many ppl who made it to here

"continue to live kim dokja now you have to save this world"

kdj u cant take your own medicine (yjh scheming)

LSK contemplating abt what shit is up with her son

Something lives IN THE WALL

186 other people feel pain with no wall. YES!

"I told him there is no such development [yjh death] in the ending i want"

'yjh desperate face' thats crushing to even read

187 hsy type cast as murder friend sorry bestie

god some classic kdj asshole moments -> guilting lhs and everything

"see the sight of a bearish man weeping" i would like to

jhw T.T oh my murder woman

188 making sys and lgy do this. your KIDS! -> generational Something or other

kdj to yjh: you cant change whats already happened -> this may be an unauthorized use of radical acceptance

your stigma is Literally self sacrifice based... DUDE

get killed by the narrative. your loved ones but also the story... for the story. AH

yjh im so sorry... this is devasting

Uriel... lol shes sweet ig

Demon king of salvation. so juicy (unionize hell lol)

189 LHS LGY YJH boy grief party

yjh widower era

min jiwon and han donghoon! yay

yoohan bonding?

190 Bihyung aw!

[I will pull all of you down from that fucking heaven]

191 a soul can't belong to anyone!

"I will destroy the world of the fucking dokkaebis"

192 ur still a jerk kdj. drama kid

193 yeah fuck the state jhw

do they all share a house 🥺

LHS is back with the army... okay putting a pin in that

yjh stayed in his room like a broken person... bruh

jhw was a bartender? did i know that? it makes so much sense tho

kdj ur story is told bc they love you!!

194 idk i was the only person reading this 1000 chapter work and when i left a comment some stuff changed

syswitz industrial complex... run that by me one more time

damn human life is just like hell, ive been saying this

195 demon trains? i know all about those

complete ur scheme. say somthing cool. pass out. kdj ur self parody at this point

rotation: recency bias is a hell of a thing. i want to partially tie up the parenting stuff with noting how often the constellation incarnation relationship was considered parental, how kdj views them (and indeed how weve seen quite a few be) really cruel, or exploitative, and well thats fitting for him to see that as parental isnt it. but then also. he has kids in his own care, and one is literally his incarnation. frankly im interested in both how attacking and dethroning gods is gonna impact his own godhood deal, his own parenting, and his view of his mothers job of parenting him

im not sure if i have any particular takes here but let it be know kdj is a bastard and a scoundrel and i shall not miss him. not from this distance. no but god that was a classic really jerk move level manipulation. need to re-calibrate the dials. whats worse is at this point i think he can fully understand how much emotional damage hes putting his loved ones through.

Also did you know we live in a society. this one is pretty nascent so far but the breaking of the Seoul dome is reminding us of normal human society, and its flaws, and with the demonic realm, blatantly stated, we live in hell on earth.

[28dayslater]

okay so basically my question is, is uni as fun as it looks?

i'm 23 and never went, i couldn't even finish college bc of mental health and then i never knew what i wanted in life so thought it didn't matter that i didn't go right away and i kept meaning to like figure it out but then i fell into a job i really like and have been here for a few years now and am content enough. no one in my family went to uni so it was never expected of me so when i didn't go there were no consequences y'know.

but social media is full of people in/who just graduated uni and it looks so fun that i feel like i've missed out. people posting videos in their new accomodation and with their flatmates and becoming best friends and staying up all night, going out doing random things and just having fun and being young with no expectations, and i feel like i've never experienced anything in my life.

like i did some of it, i moved out but there's no parties, no events or societies or getting off with strangers. and i hate to admit it but i still only have a single friend, not the friend group i always wanted. i've been on nights out a few times but it's always different because i know i have to go to work tomorrow, it's never the carefree "i don't know where i'll wake up and that's fine just living in the moment" type of experience. everything is different as an adult i guess. i'm tired by 8pm and going out until 10 is late for me.

and like i know myself i know i would not do well in uni due to my mental health and i would have dropped out or failed, and honestly i do not want to study i do not do well in education. i like finishing work and not having to worry about homework or whatever, but i really wish i could have experienced the social side of uni. i don't know if i'd have even enjoyed it, and it might have gotten old real quick, but i wish i could have at least tried it. and especially when everyone i work with met their partners and friends at uni, and i'm here doing everything i want to do just on my own because my singular friend doesn't share most of my interests.

but i also know people often exaggerate things on social media, and that lots of people don't share their experiences so i'm not sure whether uni is as fun as it always seems or whether it's just select people only sharing their few good experiences. idk i'm just kind of feeling like my entire life has just passed me by or something idk.

sorry for the dump omg i did not mean to say all that i was just gonna ask the question but lost the plot a bit 😭

i think the thing with uni is that like most things it is what you make of it. its a wonderful opportunity to hang out with people your own age, party and ignore your lectures and make stupid decisions bc youre on your own for the first time, and theres no other situation where youre gonna be so free to do what you want, but even when youre there that opportunitys only there if you take it. i went uni for three years, spent half of it violently depressed and not getting out of bed or doing any work, fucked up my actual degree and left with precisely one friend that im still in contact with. so even if youre in the position to be having the time of your life its very easy to waste it and end up having had no fun at all.

it sounds like you wouldnt have enjoyed the actual studying and what you're envious of is purely the social side. and tbf the social part of it does get old quickly, i spent my entire third year living with my best friend just watching crap tv every night instead of ever leaving the house or seeing anyone else. but also, theres no reason you cant create that social life for yourself! all the parties and that i went to at uni were just club nights in town or occasionally at the student union, you dont have to be invited or know anyone before you go.

and as miserable as it is to do and as trite as it sounds, you can make friends even when you're not forced together by school or uni or student accomodation. coworkers, friends of friends, roommates, online mutuals who don't live hundreds of miles away, you can ask those people to hang out and see where you can get from there. and as much as it sickens me to say bc i sound like my mum, theres always societies and events and stuff you can join if you go looking. most my adult friendships have only stayed in my life bc ive put effort into them and made a point of seeing those people and actively making plans. fucking sucks shit but thats the nature of being an adult, when youre not forced together by circumstance every day you have to cling to every friendship youve got and dig your claws in hard

but i hope you do okay! and i think you will

[vampirebiter]

For anon questions: all of them

im putting this below a cut so its not clogging up everyones dash asldkjfns

0: Height

5'5.5/166cm

1: Age

21 but my birthday is soon :3c

2: Shoe size

realistically probably like. mens 9 but i havent bought any new shoes since i had surgery so all my shoes are size 10 or 11

3: Do you smoke?

nope

4: Do you drink?

not often and ive never been drunk

5: Do you take drugs?

sometimes i smoke weed but thats it

6: Age you get mistaken for

already answered

7: Have tattoos?

no, sadly 3:

8: Want any tattoos?

already answered

9: Got any piercings?

again sadly no

10: Want any piercings?

i want a few in my ears and i want my septum pierced

11: Best friend?

becca @ bishoujo-brando my beloved

12: Relationship status

single for like. 5 years now i think

13: Biggest turn ons

wouldnt you like to know

14: Biggest turn offs

i dunno. weird stuff.

15: Favorite movie

already did this one twice so. a third one i really like. hm. halloween :3

16: I’ll love you if…

youre nice to me

17: Someone you miss

a few old friends i havent talked to in a long time

18: Most traumatic experience

probably everything surrounding the mental breakdown i had when i was 16

19: A fact about your personality

i am both a cunt and also very sweet :3

20: What I hate most about myself

lets not hop into that spiral today

21: What I love most about myself

already answered twice

22: What I want to be when I get older

no clue

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

meh. we get along better now than we used to and weve started unionizing against our parents but hes still a bit of an asshole. but also he gives me free weed so. kinda balances out.

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

dont have one, we dont talk even when im at home and they ruined any chance of things being any different a long time ago

25: My idea of a perfect date

i dunno, ive never been on one

26: My biggest pet peeves

if you throw trash in the sink im going to kill you

27: A description of the girl/boy I like

i dont like anyone at the moment

28: A description of the person I dislike the most

already answered

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

i dont lie to my friends often. usually its either to keep something im doing for them a secret or because i think its funny or its just something i dont like telling people.

30: What I hate the most about work/school

honestly atm its that rn im not doing either. i would like to leave my house and also get money.

31: What my last text message says

"true"

32: What words upset me the most

idk

33: What words make me feel the best about myself

i have no idea

34: What I find attractive in women

i am a homosexual

35: What I find attractive in men

pretty. bonus points for being a little >:3c or like. evil in a fun sexy way.

36: Where I would like to live

anywhere i can actually do things

37: One of my insecurities

the fact that im way behind everyone else my age

38: My childhood career choice

already answered

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

already answered

40: Who I wish I could be

i dunno

41: Where I want to be right now

i also dunno

42: The last thing I ate

some leftover noodles all mixed together with mac and cheese sauce and spaghetti sauce

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

already answered

44: A random fact about anything

i used to be the tallest kid in all my classes until people started hitting puberty and i ended up with a kid in my 6th grade science class who was over 6'

[dairyfarmboy]

Dairy Farm Fantasy:

I have been seeking an opportunity to live/work on a dairy farm most of my life. I havent been working on a farm since I was a kid, and id like to find a likeminded farming partner.

I would be hired for the summer, and upon completion of a few months of training, i would be taken in fulltime and allowed to move in with the farmer permantely. It would also be a test to show my loyalty and service to the farm.

The farmer is a older man, tall, hairy, and built from a lifetime of farming. Wearing tall black rubber boots, coveralls, and a john deere baseball cap. Sporting a big salt and pepper beard. Never wearing deoderant, and would fill the air with his pungent musk, and hint of cow.

For the summer, Id be ordered to live in a spare room inside the cow barn until training is complete, where then i can move into the farmers home. Simple space with just a bed and a desk and a rubber flooring. The industrial smell of rubber, and strong manure/piss smell constantly overwheling the space.

Before starting, we went to the local farm supply store to get my work clothes. The farmer asked for my clothes and boot size. There wasnt much of a selection, and he handed me a pile of gear to try on. He followed me to the changing area which was just a curtain in the corner of the store. He told me to try on the carhartt bibs, and shirt first. I took off all my clothes and slipped into the bibs. It didnt take long for me to get a hard on. I stared at myself in the mirror admirring my new farmer look. The farmer said it looked like everything fit.

After a few moments, he came back with some boots. A pair of LaCrosse knee high boots, a pair of thigh waders, and a pair of industrial chest waders. I was ordered to try on the chest waders first. The smell of heavy rubber was overwhelming. I slid into the waders and was taken over by the rubber. My dick started to leak and throb. The farmer came by to help adjust the straps, and his musk added to my horniness. He had me in his full control.

After trying on all the boots, the farmer told me to give him my street clothes and put on the coveralls with the knee high boots. He said that we will be going to work right away and theres no sense in changing twice. He also gave me a john deere hat to wear. I walked to the counter in my new farm gear feeling great. A sense of belonging started to come over me. For the first time in my life, i felt myself. I couldnt stop starring at myself in the reflection of the shop window. There were also a few other farmers in their dirty gear walking around the store. I could smell the sweat and manure from one of the other customers.

I walked out with 2 pairs of coveralls, 2 pairs of bibs, 2 flannel shirts, a rubber rain jacket, 2 red union suits, a hat, rubber work gloves, wool socks, knee boots, thigh waders, and chest waders. Because its summer, the farmer told me i will only need the necessities for now. I was instructed to wear the coveralls for work, and the bibs for relaxing/night time. I would then sleep in the union suit at night. No need for undershirts and underwear in this heat and humidity. I was also ordered not to wear deoderant as its just the two of us so no need.

We get back into the truck and i immediatly start getting hard again. The truck was filled with the farmers smell and his manure covered floor mats. My dick was throbbing against the coverall material and leaving a big wet spot of pre cum. I was basically hypnotized by this man and couldnt think straight. We passed by neighboring farms and enjoyed getting whiffs of manure and hay smells.

Upon arriving back to his farm, i was ordered to put the rest of my clothes away and settle into my room. I walked into the cow barn on my way to the room when i saw a green, fresh, steaming huge pile of cow shit on the ground. I couldnt help myself and walked right up to it. I slowly stepped down into the squishing and felt the warm shit surround my booted feet. I could smell the strong warm humid smell. My dick was so hard it almost cut a hole in my coveralls.

I was the horniest Ive ever been in my life. I was under the spell of the farm, and could feel the inner perv coming out. The feeling of humid sweating in the gear, and smelling the manure was taking over my whole body. Without thinking, I pull out my rock hard dick and start jerking hard. Within seconds, i was falling to my knees uncontrollably moaning and shooting load after load. I shot about 10 good bursts, sending my cum 8’ across the hay and shit covered barn floor. My moaning went on and on.

After a few moments, i stood back up and saw the mess I made. I used my boot to push away the cum, and tried to wipe my boots off with a stack of near by hay. I arrive at my room and put all my clothes on the shelves. I realized my bed had a rubber fitted sheet over the mattress, and assumed he just wanted to keep it clean.

I lay down on the bed and felt my coveralls slide against the rubber sheet. I started to get hard again. I lifted my shit covered boots onto the bed and just laid back in my gear. I closed my eyes and took in the strong smell of the barn. I was getting horny again. My dick throbbed against the old pre cum stain i had left from earlier. I lifted my arms over my head and noticed my arm pits were getting ripe already. I just imagined my new life on the farm and knew this was what I wanted.

Seconds later i heard a knock on the door from the farmer. He said, “well i hate to break your new gear in this early but we have an issue with the slurry tank”. “I need you to put on your chest waders and rubber gloves”. “Hope you dont mind smelling like manure for a few days because this is going to be a messy job”. He gave me a long stare into my eyes with a wicked smile.

To be continued:

[pbandjesse]

Today was a lovely day. Just a really nice time. I did not sleep good but I still felt good! 

I am just feeling like Im not getting enough air when I sleep. I woke up a few times because my nose was so stuffed up and crusty. And I somehow bit through my grind guard so thats great! Thankfully I have a backup. But I am going to have to figure out why Im getting so stuffy. Its annoying and I want to be able to breath normal!

So I slept until almost 10 again. James had already left for work. I sort of remember him saying goodbye but its foggy. I woke up feeling like I was forgetting something. And even now I dont know what it could have been. It wasnt a nice feeling. I thought maybe it was texting my mom about christmas. So I did that but it didnt help my weird feeling. 

But I did have a nice day. I spent the morning cleaning up my animal crossing island. I knew my friend Devin would come visit tonight, since they couldnt last night, and I wanted it to be perfect. I fixed up a few spots that were missing things and just made it ready for company. I had my breakfast and it was just nice. 

I wore my christmas dress today. Its very soft and flowy and I like it a lot. I did wear it backwards though because the actual neckline is just so high. But because its so big on me it feels just fine turned around. I will probably wear it with a belt on actual christmas but today it was just cozy. 

After I ate I decided to head out. I wanted to get as much christmas shopping done today as possible. And I am pleased to report I am basically done! I want to maybe pick up one or two more things. But I am happy with what I did get. 

I went to savers first. I got fuzzy fabrics and some glasswears. I also got a little christmas music box thing that that has ice skating snowmen. Adorable. 

I went over to the goodwill next and I got a couple good things there too. I got two soft size storage cubes too that are for James in his room. I also saw the man in front of me was buying the furby board game!! I almost asked him if I could take a picture. I was a little bummed that I didnt snag that but its okay. Maybe someday. 

I headed down to the Towson shopping center next. I went to the Marshals there. Which is not a very good Marshals. But I did get new shoes. The boots I got on line turned out to be 9s. My brain flip flopped the number apparently. Maybe I can give them to someone else. But they are a little to big on me. So I got some knock off uggs that have memory foam. I used to really hate uggs but Im embracing them now. Cozy. Ugly. Love it. 

And for my final stop I went to target. Where I got a bunch of candy for my stocking gift with James's family. It was a little busy there but I kept my distance.

I headed home after that. I made a pitstop for burger king and for some reason that took almost 20 minutes of waiting after I ordered. Something was going on with the car in front of me and they were almost yelling at the cashier. She was super sweet once I got to her so I hope people are nice to her!!

I got home and was annoyed I had to park on the main street. But I did and I brought in all my things. Had my lunch. And put everything away. Put my presents in piles. And got to work in my studio. 

I got 6 bears prepped for sewing. And did some work on my house shelves. They are ready to hang up now. Maybe tomorrow. 

I hung out for a little while. And soon James was home! It was nice to have him here. We played games in the dungeon for a while. And then I went back to work in the studio. I did some sewing. James helped me do some flipping right side out of arms and ears. My least favorite part of the process honestly. 

And soon I jumped on a zoom call with my MFA class! It was nice to see everyone! I got to tell them some stuff and learned some things they have been up too. So many interesting things. And I got to see Suyao's baby. Who I love. And hear about how things are going for everyone and how me and Suyao do direct sales on instagram. We also talked unions and that was pretty great. And at 8 I got off because I had Devin to allow on my island!

It was so fun to have them. They were there for an hour and it was so fun showing everything Ive worked so hard on. They took diys and fruit and gave me a gold nugget and a snow flake! Amazing. It was so fun to play with someone. They said my island is charming and seemed pretty impressed. Felt good. 

We said goodbye soon after that. I made some outfits for the week and got a shower. And now I am in bed. I think I will go put some more lotion on. And get some sleep. 

I hope work continues to be chill. I have sewing to do and I would like to read. But I just hope it will be a good day. Sleep well everyone. Goodnight!

[infochores]

some thoughts on corbynism and leftist influencers as reactionaries

I was watching a Livestream from Novara Media (A rather useless Corbynite media outlet in the UK, known in the UK left for several of its staff shielding abusers ) and the presenter was taking questions from the livestream chat on the subject of Corbyns recent suspension from the Labour party. 

Anyway, he said something that really annoyed me. It was in response to people encouraging leftists to leave the Labour party and his comment went approximately like this:

“ I dont think that by staying in we are sayig that we de-facto approve of Keir Starmer. I dont think we should leave the labour party because we should have a strategic reason for doing so. If you want a role in politics in this country you have to accept that this is a two party system and that we need to be involved in that. Building other institutions is great but in terms of winning elections theres only one option”

...or words to that effect.

Anyway this made me extremely annoyed, though it wasnt surprising, because it really was the most clear way of driving home the fat that what remains of Corbynism only really has one role now: People like the Novara media crowd or Owen Jones or whoever, can now only exist via grifting and bootlicking the labour party as a holy concept. 

This is of course nothing new, but the specific formulation of words chosen by the livestreamer was rather amusing and irritating because of how it referred to the viability of other organisations and other ways to direct political effort: “ oh its very good for us to be getting involved in mutual aid and in tenants unions obviously but really when its election season the only option is labour” etc etc

This to me rather betrays the hear to how these people are adapting to the new circumstances that the Left in the UK finds itself in. The electoral movement is totally dead in strategic terms: its fighting non stop rear guard actions and losing every single one. In order to compensate for this, people who made careers on the Corbyn bandwagon are having to figure out ways to remain relevant in a period where the core of the more dedicated and serious activists are turning away from the type of praxis that they approve of. 

A large but not huge number of people who were involved in Labour and consider themselves to be somewhat seriously militant leftists are now going back to groups like the grassroots independent workers unions and the tenants union movement which has emerged over the last few years. This is of course good. 

However, if those movements remain too radical and independent of Labour party structures and clout circles then its not exactly great for the livestream griftsquad and the editors room over at The Canary or Novara or whatever. Accordingly theres this tendency to diminish those things as not being true “alternatives” or to refer to them in a complementary but patronising manner whereby they are spoken of favourably, but also as being diminutive in comparison to Proper Work in the Labour Party for the good old corbynite cause.

In this manner, corbynism, which has always been a sort of entry point into liberalism, has lost all of its remaining edge and is now basically just a vehicle for demobilising people, or as a friend of mine put it: “ Electoralism is dead working-class organizing, that vampire-like, lives only by sucking the living working-class organizing, and lives the more, the more organizing it sucks. “

Ive gone on at length about this and other related issues here, and here

anyway, this is yet another instance of me being slowly fucking blackpilled by how aggressively useless reformists are.

[bluebeetle]

Tell me about your dnd ocs

oroooook super late on this sorry, as i said, computer troubles have been plaguing me and continue to do so

oook so the last image i posted that prompted this was mostly of a friends character but mine from the same game was in the corner, who is also the guy in my header:

(Art by @herobrushreplica !!)

anyways his name is Nico (short for Nicolas) and he’s a dhampir since we use a lot of homebrew, and also a ranger. so yeah he uses dueling and has some healing spells bc we are dumb and didnt plan ahead and had like no healers..... and also can turn into a bat

also hes the poor neutral good in a sea of chaotics (and one lawful good) 

He was kind of pre-existing prior to this but i expanded a bit more. anyways im lazy so ill copy-paste what i had written up already:

backstory:

A half-vampire born to a vampire hunter who's love was turned into a creature of the night as an act of revenge from a powerful vampire lord. The couple did not part nor kill each other like expected, however, and Nicolas (Nico for short) was born from this union. Raised in the art of fighting monsters and other creatures of the night, Nico learned how to use both ranged and melee weapons. He was brought up learning how all monsters--including more humanoid creatures such as Orcs, Vampire and Tieflings--were evil and it was the duty of his family to protect those in need from them.

 However, he grew up battling with his vampiric side. His father telling Nico that he was to never reveal it to anyone unless necessary, while his mother assured him he was an amazing creature, and one of good rather than evil. His relationship with his father was rocky, made worse whenever any of Nico's traits showed. He grew up unsure of his destiny, instead focusing solely on the wishes of his parents, and keeping himself distant from other people. 

 However, this was not to last forever, as while Nico aged normally until he reached 25, it seem became clear that like his mother, he was ageless. After the death of his father, Nico's mother left to sleep away her grief, leaving him alone. Nico left to travel the land, hoping to help those in trouble--occasionally for a cost--and find his way. He has a hard time opening up and trusting people, but is quick to become attached and affectionate regardless. He is plagued by feelings of doubt and uncertainty over his heritage and morality, wondering if what his father has taught him about different races is true or not. He worries about his vampire side coming out and harming people--even if he can survive on normal food and animal blood. His heritage is not something he reveals easily--as he has experienced plenty of blacklash for being a dhampir in the past.

 When it comes to taking action, he either impulsively acts, emotion taking over (often his temper) or overthinks, leaving him hesitant and confused. He's easily flustered and confused, wanting to help people and be in their company while also pushing them away in fear of them hating him for being what he is. He is bad at confrontation with authority figures, often instead going behind their backs. His main goal is to find his place in life, to chase away his feelings of loneliness and abandonment and feel assured in his morality and existence, in his choices. Or, at the very least, better understand himself.

He can survive on normal foods and animal blood, but would die if unable to eat any meat. Human blood is still tempting to him. He works best with melee weapons but has skills with the bow and whip. proficiency: arcana,athletics, perception, investigation,  survival

Personality Traits

*I judge people by their actions, not their words.

* If someone is in trouble, I’m always ready to lend help. I don’t talk about the thing that torments me.

* I’d rather not burden others with my curse. I expect danger around every corner.

* I refuse to become a victim, and I will not allow others to be victimized. I put no trust in divine beings.

* I live for the thrill of the hunt.

 Ideals:

*I try to help those in need, no matter what the personal cost. (Good) 

*I kill monsters to make the world a safer place, and to exorcise my own demons. (Good) 

 Bonds:

*I protect those who cannot protect themselves. 

*A terrible guilt consumes me. I hope that I can find redemption through my actions. 

*There’s evil in me, I can feel it. It must never be set free. 

 Flaws

*The people who knew me when I was young know my shameful secret, so I can never go home again.

* have trouble trusting in my allies. 

*I feel no compassion for the dead. They’re the lucky ones.

so yeah edgy vampire oc... but i love him. most of it ends up with everyone being well chaotic and him trying to keep some semblance of order so they can actually reach their goal but usually its. a mess. but its fun. 

my other one ive used once so i dont have anything for her but shes an aarakocra  monk named Zeera! and is Chaotic good and basically just a vehicle for me to be like “ahah what bird behaviour would be funny in this situation”. also her look is based on ornate hawk-eagles bc theyre pretty

Backstory:

Once part of the guardsmen for her tribe, Zeera has since decided she wants to see more of the world. She used to be a soldier, and has medical knowledge. She left the guardsmen, though, tired of horrible commanders. Just one problem: growing up so isolated from other races combined with general bird behaviour, means she tends to stick out as a ditsy trouble maker. 

She takes anything shiny and doesn’t really understand many social concepts such as ownership. But she does understand fighting, oh boy does she. Somewhat childish in personality, acts very birdlike. Aggressive.

Personality Traits

*I enjoy being strong and like breaking things. I face problems head-on. 

*A simple, direct solution is the best path to success.

Ideals

*Independence. When people follow orders blindly, they embrace a kind of tyranny. (Chaotic) 

*Greater Good. Our lot is to lay down our lives in defense of others. (Good)

Bonds

*Those who fight beside me are those worth dying for.

Flaws

*I have little respect for anyone who is not a proven warrior.

*I’d rather eat my armor than admit when I’m wrong.