#but it obvs wont happen the whole time

[grumpy-nyks]

The Fernweh Saga by @lacunafiction - Davor edition

I-I think Ms. Verner doesn't like him...😳

Davor "Dove" Kovač 🐝 RO: Becca Warrick

Personality: cautious // aloof // pessimistic // flirtatious (only towards Becca ...and Reese??) Traits: head // independent // resistance // believer Past affinity: math Primary ability: extrasensory awareness Past susceptibility: forward. 'it’s better to push forward. don’t look back on the past when you have new places to be and things to achieve.' <<< his motto

🕊️ Fernweh: Davor lived a happy life there and didn't think about leaving in the future. Maybe for some trips, but he knew it would always be his place, his safe place... 'It was a mistake to come back here.' - that was his first thought when he tried to fall asleep on the first night in Fernweh. The nightmares came back as he thought they would. He wants to leave as soon as possible because he feels that it is not safe for Becca to be here.

🕊️ Gramps Dan: That was his gramps who taught Davor how to play the guitar. As a young child, Davor always admired him and believed he was the most intelligent person in the world. After the death of his parents and how his grandfather treated him, he was devastated and angry. He wanted answers soo badly but didn't get any. He lived loathing his grandfather ever since. The news of his passing stirred up a lot of negative emotions that Davor had previously managed to suppress. At the beginning of the story he couldn't care less about his grandfather, but because of his journal he started to believe him. Things that his granfather lived through made Davor even more angry at this messy town …but he's willing to forgive his gramps…

🐝 Becca Warrick: It was a ...funny story that brought both of them together and they look after each other ever since. He considers Becca as his precious (not in a negative-possessive way) treasure, he literally can't let anything bad happen to her. That was also she who came up with the nickname 'Dove'... (and she's literally the only person who calls him that, others wouldn't dare...). He had feelings for her for quite some time but didn't act on it... until now. Although he didn't express it, he felt very nervous about Becca being in the town where he grew up. He was curious (but also scared) about what she could think of this town. He felt like he was revealing more of himself to her…. and he forgot about any worries pretty fast, because the town started being weird as fu--.

🕊️ Reese Verner: Back then Davor was quite cheerful and enjoyed competing with Reese regularly. They teased each other a lot. Davor always thought that Reese had a crush on him, was it true tho? donut know, but he certainly had. ...why does he appear in his nightmares? Maybe the crush stage never disappeared...? Seeing him again was a nice experience, sure... but ignoring the circumstances, he is still unsure if it was worth it and is struggling with his thoughts… Would it be worth it to return to Fernweh just to see him... again? welp, good thing he doesn't have to think about it much, am I right?

🕊️ Sofia Dorran: The two of them maybe did not have a strong relationship, but he knew Sofia is the ideal person for engaging in intelligent conversations. He enjoyed spending time with her, solving the puzzles that gramps created for them both. Davor wasn't a fan of fantasy books, but she managed to change his mind about them. Davor knows that Sofia did take good care of his grandfather, but he still doesn't quite know if he's grateful for that or wished she spent her time more... valuably... He was tempted to ask Sofia to borrow that book she found in his grandfather's bedroom, but he thought better of it. It's better to leave Fernweh… Even so, his curiosity wasn't properly fed.

🕊️ James Corvin: Maybe not brothers by blood, but definitely brothers by choice. Davor treated him as if he was the brother he always wanted to have. Back then Davor always placed a high value on his family… until now. At the time, Davor tended to be more impulsive and James was usually the one who kept him from getting into trouble (which often involved Reese). It was really hard, for both of them, to see each other after so long. Their first interaction was pretty awkward... I would even say that most of their interactions were . James noticed how Davor changed the question is: for the better or worse? I don't even know. Everyone can sense, that things around them are different now, and they aren't as close as before. Will it change?

🕊️ Alek Corvin: …To say that Alek wasn't a fan of Davor would be an understatement. Was it because James spent most of his time focusing only on Davor trying to get him out of trouble? Did Alek observe any possessiveness from Davor towards James? Or maybe simply because of the bond between those two, which was truly something that others would envy and desire? Davor never considered it, especially when he left Fernweh permanently. :)) As you can imagine, Alek doesn't seem very happy about Davor's return… But he took an interest in his new friend, Becca, which did not go unnoticed by Davor and he isn't really happy about it.

🕊️ The Waitress: Oh boy, it seems that Davor has taken up a new hobby, which is glaring harshly at the waitress. He finds her mistrustful and he smells trouble. Had they met when he was younger, there may have been a slim chance of them getting along.

🕊️ Waffles!: So um… Davor has a little issue with dogs and because of that his relationship with Waffles isn't as wonderful as I wish it would be... However, I believe that with time and help from Becca, they will eventually become friends.

[itsalwaysdark]

its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun ���. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF

[quietwingsinthesky]

I’m not one for soulmates AUs but bobbyrufus soulmate AU of the ‘you have the last words your soulmate will ever say to you on your body somewhere’ kind.

[boarwinds]

What can you tell us about the Snowbaird kids in your First Lady AU?

Glad u asked.

So everything that happens in the movie happens except coryo doesn't say "3 is enough for me" until after they've reached the cabin where they've just unknowing conceived their twins. He says this while they're both lying in bed n that's where that whole "who's the third" conversation happens. Coryo hunts her n she escapes w a non lethal bullet wound that def leaves a scar.

CS goes back to the capitol n goes on to be president at age 23. LG gets pretty far n struggles to survive on fruits, nuts, etc,, she's definitely not a hunter. It makes sense her period doesn't come as she hasn't been eating, sleeping, basically living right but what makes her sneak back to 12 is her growing stomach. She connects the dots. The covey help set her up at the cabin or somewhere only the covey know bc the mayor is still looking for her. She gives birth to twins, first a girl then a boy which came as a surprise. Theyre both tiny w the boy even more so but they make it.

I'm gonna headcanon one of the covey knowing how to hunt n they teach the kids when they're little, LG also learns. Think of the 2 kids from wolf children, that's how her kids are. Theyre so curious abt district 12 n wanna see where their aunts n uncles leave off to but they also follow their mom's orders like it's gospel so they never venture too far except for one time they try to hunt a small boar to bring back to LG. Obv shit goes awry, girl twin gets a head injury from protecting her brother which leaves a scar n boy twin is crying in hysterics. They rush to 12 to get help n this is what leads to LG's capture.

So as for their personalities:

Girl twin: imagine coriolanus if he was raised district w just his loving mother. Will commit all types of wrong for the right thing. Let's just say if it weren't for LG being her moral compass she has potential to be worse than CS. Like her brother she inherited her mother's natural charisma n charm but she can be like her father n use it for manipulative purposes. She's fiercely protective of LG n her little siblings, v much a katniss type. Shes quiet n observant, more introverted. Unlike her parents she doesn't have much interest in pretty things, for her practicality over everything. Both LG n CS want to spoil her w pretty gowns, accessories, makeup, whatever she wants but she dresses plainly (if thats possible w aunty tigris designing all her clothes) most of the time. It doesn't hide her beauty, she's gorgeous the same way her father is.

Her relationship w her father is strained. She knows he did smth to hurt her mother, she's never seen LG be so cold to anyone no matter how civil she tries to be, she's immediately weary. CS sees her scar n offers to have it removed but LG always talked abt how scars told stories n hers would tell of her bravery n love for her brother so she's offended by his offer. She hates how she can't deny her parentage LMAO she may as well have been asexually reproduced by him.

Boy twin: LG if she reincarnated in a physical copy of CS. Is ambitious about becoming a beloved singer songwriter the way CS was ambitious abt becoming president. He's a bit more sheltered bc his sister n LG babied him but he's absolutely not a doormat, hes the type to gracefully disrespect u n u wont realize until ur overthinking in the shower. However if u disrespect his family, hes not afraid to serve up a little rat poison flavored drink. He'll have ppl eating out the palm of his hands n it won't even be on purpose. He's the extroverted twin who can win anyone over. LOVES luxury. Prob the one most transformed by living in the capitol but, his sweet boy personality may or may not be a persona. He sees w rose tinted glasses more than his sister so he ADORES his father at first meeting. The concept of a father is new to him n he's only his father's son, he loves having new fancy things.

3rd baby: 3rd girl is not exactly planned but not unplanned either. She's born in the capitol. Twin girl's current favorite sibling bc it's a baby n a girl. Also twin boy's current favorite sibling bc shiny new baby. LG's biggest baby so far. CS gets to name her bc LG got to name the first 2 (like she had a choice after being hunted down by him 🤡) who have covey names. He'll give her a v capitol name, had she been a boy she would've been Crassus. Haven't thought further abt her personality, for now she's just a baby.

X number of siblings in between: N/A for now

Final baby: takes after LG the most. Brown eyes, brown hair. Everybody's favorite, everybody's baby. They'd all individually burn down the capitol themselves for the final baby.

[roseworth]

hey <3 heres what i think of every scene that rosenberg has written with rose

disclaimer: most of this is me being very nitpicky. rose was a side character for all of these appearances so obv i understand that its not gonna be perfect characterization. but i rly like talking about rose characterization so this is just me pulling apart her appearances for fun <3

ok lets go

overall

i LOVE the jason & rose dynamic. im not much of a jayrose fan but since its happening im glad that its like this. i love that its so much "rose is excessively horny and jason is giving her nothing" bc its so in character for both of them. shes fucking with him and he does not know how to reciprocate. they r so sillies

HOWEVER. rose would not just hang around him like shes doing. as much as i like that dynamic i feel like he also has to at least sometimes show that hes. you know. interested in having her around. shes just kinda tagging along and i wish there was a reason why she would put up with him never giving her anything, especially since she has a tendency to leave at the first sign of not being wanted

on a completely different note, im a little disappointed that shes wearing her old costume instead of the new one she has in btbatb/kt ravager. i appreciate that shes still drawn like an adult but i rly like her new costume so im sad that she doesnt have it

man who stopped laughing #9

STRONG start. beats up a bunch of cops, then right after she appears she does her stupid flirting thing then immediately says that she doesnt want to associate with the batfamily. queen.

not to mention right before this is my fav failgirl moment where she goes through her whole plan to crash the car and break jason out of prison. then just goes up and knocks on the door

flips the car over then walks up and says "hey its the fire department. open up" and not a single person believes her. i love her

lesbian rose crumbs <3 i still choose to believe shes talking about cass here idc. shes so silly and this was a cute lil panel

so yeah. she was on one page of this issue but that one page was great and i love her

mwsl #10

shes so lame <3 i talked about this moment a lot when this issue first released but i love it. "somebody had all the fun without us" upon finding a body, then realizing someone else was there and just. starts shooting. she doesnt hit anything. she doesnt even know where the other person is.

my big problem here is that she does not carry a gun and pretty much never uses guns. honestly now that im thinking about it this is one of the only times shes ever used a gun on panel (the other times i can think of being: shooting wade off a cliff after her mom died, shooting starfire in n52 outlaws (but new 52 rose barely even counts as rose), and using deathstroke's gun when she was pretending to be him in deathstroke 2016)

shes not anti-gun or anything but it still bothers me just a little that suddenly she has a gun (hence why i fully believe she stole jasons gun <3)

if i want to nitpick, kate should not have been able to hit her. rose should've seen she was coming wayyy before (bc precog) and she wouldnt be knocked down from one hit. i fear we are headed down a path of her becoming jasons incompetent girlfriend but i wont be too dramatic about her getting hit one (1) time

but other than that i thought this was a fun moment of rose getting hit then jason immediately fighting the person that hit her. toxic girlbesties fr

then also her needing to be held back after she gets up so she doesnt start attacking the person thats helping them <3 i love her

mwsl #11

this is a nice issue for her just because in true rose tradition she LOVES to have homoerotic fights with every other female character she interacts with. the kate & rose dynamic was soooo fun i love it when shes mean to people for no reason <3

i did not like this part though. i feel like there are a lot of implications about rose here that are unfair to her character & her place in the dcu. i'll meet the book on its own terms and say that we're only talking about post-52 rose (blah blah everything's canon rn but this book is very clearly not using pre-52 rose lore) but even then? theres no real reason for her to be ducking superheroes or for superheroes to keep an eye on her. shes not a villain or even much of a killer, the fact that shes "staying off the radars" of good guys doesnt make much sense. and the fact that kate knows her and "studies" her (fellas is it gay to study another woman despite never meeting her) implies that rose is like. a threat. shes just kind of around there is no reason kate should know her like that

cute moment! but also it bothers me. i think its fun that she refused to go since its not her fight and she doesnt want to get into a joker mess. HOWEVER. when has she ever in her life passed up an opportunity to get involved in someone elses problem. to me she wouldnt have even delivered the list of addresses without a fight if she wasnt gonna go along

other than her using a gun again (where the hell did she even get that) i like this <3 her showing up and saving manhunter after she said she didnt care what happened is so her. also i just like the fact that she shot joker

gay gay homosexual gay

the rest of this issue is fun <3 just kate & rose fighting together then getting blown up together <3 this was a nice issue for her despite the problems i had with it

gotham war red hood #2

gotham war break!!!

okay first of all i LOVE that he took her along. there was no reason for rose to be here but jason was told to meet someone and said "ok ill go but my weird friend comes with me" its so funny

ive seen a lot of people complain about the "you're my only friend" line but i LOVE it. not necessarily because she doesnt have any friends but because she would not in a million years ADMIT that she has friends. she would rather be shot in the head than say that she actually likes the people that she hangs out with.

but to be fair.... she also doesnt have friends. "what about the lazarus island gang?" the only person she actually liked there and showed any friendship toward was damian, and they ARE friends but she considers him more of a little brother than a friend. "what about the teen titans??" a) she would NEVER admit that she is friends with any of them b) its technically.... not really canon that she was ever on the same team as them. like i said before, im meeting this book on its terms, and rose being a teen titan hasnt been mentioned since flashpoint :( i wont go on a whole tangent about her friends but given that she hasnt really made a friend in years and never talks to anyone else, i think its fair for her to say that she has no friends

so yeah all this to say: she has friends, but it is 100% in character for her to say that she has no friends. i stand by this line

i dont have much to say here i just think shes so cute <3 i also love the fact that jason jumped straight to "rose is robbing a dead person" instead of "rose is inspecting the body"

but im OBSESSED with the fact that she DOES rob him. i feel like we're not talking about this enough. she saw a dead body and took his money. im not even mad about it because its so fucking funny to me

im sorry jay/rose fans this makes me want to vomit. this feels too "earnest emotions" for both of them. the rest of this scene was fine but this panel specifically feels so :/

"i just need help" "always" and "please take care of yourself" and "meet at our spot" "promise?" "i promise" does not feel like them at all. its a very sweet and genuine moment but they would NOT have sweet and genuine moments! neither of them would ever express their feelings and they would not have this conversation

this does not feel like rose at all idk who this is. where is the rage!!!!!! where is the anger!!!!!!! why did she stand there for hours just. worried about him. why isnt she lashing out

comparing this to the scene in tt03 where she's worried about eddie:

she gets angry! shes worried about him and starts yelling at everyone around her because hes hurt and she doesnt know whats happening. i would have LOVED this energy in this book and its sooooo disappointing that she just. stands there like 🥺 when she doesnt know what happened to jason

mwsl #12

i rly liked this part fhdkjfhakjdfd i thought her pretending to be him just to get batman out of the way was so good and so real. shes helping out AND fucking with batman

very minor complaint here but this isnt even true . she DOES try to run into him in ds16 when slade kidnaps damian and rose gives bruce the ransom terms. also i feel like this line is vaguely implying that she HAS found him (/he found her) on accident before which is also not true given that their only interactions are in ds16 and being in the same general area in shadow war. and also reiterating that shes not a villain so batman has no reason to track her down or cause problems for her but. whatever. this is entirely just me jumping to conclusions about what this one throwaway line means and then getting mad about it

LOVE this. she inserted herself into the situation then complains about it. this isnt her business and shes making sure that jason knows it. but also she completely volunteered for most of this

BOOOOOOOO she would not fucking say that. "sorry about that whole chase" no she would not apologize. "please dont kick my ass" she would NOT say that!!!!! first of all given that this is after gotham war she would probably kick his ass just for what he did to jason. even besides that she would not be afraid of him even a little. comparing their convo in ds16 #5 to this is so sad bc </3 why is she afraid of him instead of being a huge bitch and yelling at him

this ending is really good for her though. she absolutely would dive into the water with joker gas, trash, and dead bodies just to save her friend <3

this is more like it!!!!!!!! shes worried for him and takes initiative to save him by jumping in the water despite it being a very dangerous decision and then insults him while she saves his life <3333 its a tiny bit more of her being mean to express worry which is nice <3 its not perfect but its closer

in conclusion: there are many good moments. there are many parts i like about it. but there are just so many things that dont feel like rose </3 most of the broad strokes are there but it just doesnt feel like her when shes not full of rage and going out of her way to piss people off

[asexualzoro]

it's december 9th, meaning today is my 23rd birthday (which is my favorite number!), which means it's time for...

Lew Writes Wrapped 2023!!!

im including anything that happened after my last bday, so we have some works from december as well. this one's a bit of a weird one for the total word count, you'll see why

it's all treebark from my sideblog / alt ao3. i cannot change. i will not change. for these im just gonna specify the relationship that's the main focus bc thats easier than fandom bc all but like one are third life

dandelion wishing

(Dec, 2.4k, treebark, oneshot) (link)

op movie 6 au for dogwarts in which Martyn is the baron and Ren doesn't know he's dead

id actually plotted out a whole third life au for this movie like months prior and really wanted to write it, so i took it for treebark week and focused it just on these two. it's my fave movie of all time and i obvs had to give it to my fave completely dead team <3

i will admit tho. it did make me back search martyns twitter to see if hes ever posted abt watching this movie. bc i know he likes One Piece and i realized this would bring me into the danger zone (he hasnt ever posted abt it if hes seen it)

A Romance Route for the Doomed Villain?!?

(Dec, 5k, treebark, oneshot) (link)

treebark dating sim isekai parody that spiraled out of my control made in a day-long possession

im still baffled by this one. why was the response to this one so insane?? there was smth in the water the day i posted this bro. a 1:2 kudos to hits ratio for the entire first day is literally fucking unbelievable. 70 comments?? what hold did this fic have on you people. i got fic written about this one?? my friends goncharov'd me in front of my face

really fucking fun to write and the insane response was smth im always gonna remember. i appreciate you guys so much

treesekai also turns a year old in a few days!

Until the Angels Realize You're Not One of Them

(Feb, 7.2k, emerald duo, oneshot) (link)

a traitor phil au which was mostly just me talking about all the reasons i love technoblade

this one... wasnt actually written this year for the most part? i didnt want to not acknowledge it, since it's on my ao3 in this year, but i wont be able to count it toward the total

still. traitor phil au my beloved. hearing him say on his stream he and techno wanted to do a betrayal arc made me feel insane bc i already had this written at the time

missing or obstructed

(2022-present, 12.9k, Grian & Ren, ongoing) (link)

post 3L fic about Ren and Grian seeking out closure with a lot of funny little sleep metaphors

same deal as the last fic, i, uh dont think i actually wrote anything new for missing or obstructed this year either? just uploaded chapters i wrote last year,,, i didnt wanna now acknowledge it, but i wont count this in my total later

i miss her. one day ill actually sit down and write more missing or obstructed. in my doc im JUST at introducing Martyn and i havent written it yet

to reach my mangled debut

(Sept, 4.2k, treebark week, ongoing) (link)

it wouldnt be me if i didnt have an execution somewhere in here. another op au!

THIS. I LOVE HER. when rev and i were plotting out the whole storyline for smop renchanting i was begging please give me this scene i need it and i had so much fun writing it. i rlly need to finish soon but i haven’t had time but please. please check out smop. she’s top of my priority list to update

Three-Dog Night

(Sept, 6.7k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

BIG DOG. beauty and the beast au!

god im so fond of this au. there’s some rlly good scenes written for this and unposted bc i just need to link them together. honestly i think if i took a month and focused it on this fic alone i could fucking finish it but i don’t have the time ;-;

that said i’m so enamored w this au genuinely. o dunno what else to say i just think. puppy

Cover Me In Roses

(Sept, 3.3k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

lamplight roleswap! put Martyn in a flower pot

i don’t feel as motivated to work on this one when i have lamplight unfinished so it’s lower on my priorities but know i have like an entire arc of this written and unposted. we just have a few paths for this one and i have to decide which one to use

it’s so wild to me lamplight has like. aus. like this isn’t even the only one? a roleswap. that’s insane? it’s wild that you all like lamplight enough i can even get away with this

First Sign of a House Fire

(Sept, 2k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

i love superhero stories for two reasons: plots about secrets and adapting the characters to give them powers. this had smth fun for both of them

yellow rose isn’t super high on my list of priorities to update (i think the oneshot is interesting on its own) but one day,,,, it’s part of the many aus cherri and i have but it’s the longest for sure. the doc for just this au is like 100k words long on its own. at the time i draft this cherri and i are actively writing smth else for it in another tab. theres like 4 offshoots and im obsessed w all of them. we had to make ocs about this one. i’m excited to eventually add more to this series

actually that’s one of the scenes i’m most excited for and most dreading adding. we made a backstory oc and im SO attached to him and im excited to post a thing out there w him but. ough. whatever cringe is dead i’ll get there eventually and brute force my way into attaching you to our funky little robot guy

also love that this fic forced me to be decided on a docv characterization that i have to stick to. he may be a canon guy to martyn’s vtuber lore but he’s my oc now too

Blindsided

(Sept, 2k, treebark week, ongoing) (link)

pirate au and royal au based on a big secret and also stuffing a guy in a box and it's all stupid dramatic literally what else do you want or need in life

this is my wife. my favorite. my most beloved. blindsided gives me new illnesses and diseases. i have just one scene to write before i can update it and then i can continue unleashing her. god i love this fic the drama of it is SO fun.

the funny thing abt blindsided is i know all the plot chronologically but now how to Present it which is part of why i haven’t continued too much. eventually i will but until then know that one of the scenes im sitting on which has been fully written is one i think about constantly. hopefully when i post it cherri’ll let free the comic she did for it

i actually have the ending of this fic written i just need to get there lmfao. second on my priority list after smop i think

Cradle of the Leviathan

(Sept, 1.5k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

i just love mer aus man. whats the point of it all if you cant have mer aus. just get a big ol fish

i have the ending of this au written as well and literally so little of the lead up. but this is pretty low on my priorities. i think this one stands just fine on its own. mer aus are nice like that

we actually have a few mer aus but for now i’ll be focusing on this one. i do have a few sweet post story things written for this one. maybe one day i’ll write enough to post em lmao

Lamplight AU

(2022-present, 47k, treebark, ongoing) (link)

renchanting dnd/fantasy au, martyn's a paladin and ren's a lamp

so i started this au last year. my wrapped last year said my total was 20k, so that means this year's total is.... 27k!

and… it was just lamplight’s birthday and i did all my appreciation for the fic and its readers then, but god. i love this fic so much and i love you all who have read it and been so kind about it. the amount of popularity it has makes it a bit nerve wracking to work on, but i still really want to see it finished. i hope to see the bulk of it done by this time next year!

Six Sentence Sunday

six sentence sunday is a challenge where i try to post six sentences i wrote that week every sunday, to keep me writing every week of the year! i do it over on my writing blog, @driflew

i did not keep up on my six sentences,,, i had a lot of sunday fencing tournaments. i did for ~33 weeks this year! thats a pretty good amount! i’ll have to be more on top of it next year tho

unpublished work

the last few years i havent included unpublished work, but with the extreme bulk of it, i wanted to note it down. cherri @/cherrifire and i have been writing a lot back and forth at each other in discord dms this year, and i wanted to include those in my count! bc holy fucking shit is there a lot of them

i didn’t include collab pieces, just pieces i wrote alone. i also only included the renchanting aus i share w cherri and scarian aus i share w flowey, nothing else—no unfinished lamplight or other independent pieces or oneshots, no original fiction for class, nothing. i also missed a few u haven’t moved to docs yet. so i’m lowballing by a few. thousands. of words

the total for those is...... 135k words! there is,,, something wrong with me

total and end notes

our total this year is...

187512 words!

that might be my highest word count yet! because i caught treebark disease. wild.

something really fun about this year to me is i really loved everything i wrote.

if you want to get me a gift or support me on my birthday… maybe try reading my work and reblogging it or leaving a comment! you can find my writing at driflew or skelew on ao3, follow my writing blog at @driflew, or even consider tipping my kofi!

thank you for sticking with me and supporting me this year! i really appreciate it! hopefully i can break 100k next year too!

[if-you-feel-lonely]

HELLO ALL!!!! APPARENTLY I STILL HAVE FOLLOWERS HERE, DESPITE HAVING WRITTEN SHOCKINGLY LITTLE!!!! SO IM HERE TO EXPLAIN WHERE IVE BEEN OVER THE PAST??? YEAR???? I THINK???

PLEASE READ THIS WHOLE THING I BEG

SO SOME BACKGROUND

i started this blog at 13!!!

i was a HEAVY dsmp fan and it was my biggest hyperfixation at the time

i was very mentally ill and was getting zero help whatsoever :,(

i also had literally no friends to talk about dsmp with because they had all lost interest D:

SO WHAT HAS CHANGED?

im 16 in like three weeks! crazy!!!

i use he/she/fae/it pronouns

im not very into dream smp anymore, and im not a wilbur supporter whatsoever. sorry not sorry lmao

im also an intense dream anti. not in the sense that i hate all dream smp enjoyers, because a lot of good came from it! but i do not like that man

honestly i didnt when i started this blog, but i was discreet about it (i think i was - i refuse to go through my old posts)

i am still on tumblr, you can find me at @simonfairchildirl

im also on ao3, under daftdaffodils! my current wip is "Slay The King", a treebark slay the princess au, featuring many other life series members :3

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE??

honestly? i dont know

the people i wrote about have grown and changed a LOT since i started this account in autumn of 2022, and just as i have, they have moved on from the dream smp. i personally don't want to keep writing about what is essentially a time capsule of who they were. no hate to people who still write for them, obv, it's just not for me :)

since i still have an interest in mcyt, i may consider writing some life series bits and bobs here and there, but that would depend on what you lot at home want!

i would have to look into specific boundaries because, whilst a lot of ccs on the ogmcyt/hermitcraft/life series side just. dont care about fan content, a lot of boundaries are very up in the air.

also martyn littlewood is a fucking heathen and is watching like big brother iykwim

obviously, any followers from here are free to move over to my current blog, but i cant promise that any updates about a potential life series blog will be posted there! if it does happen, itll most likely be posted about on here :)

CONCLUSION

when i logged back into this account i didnt even remember this blog, and to come back to such lovely support has genuinely made my day.

if 13 year old me saw this, she'd be so happy, and that means more to me than any kind of embarrassment or cringe i might feel.

i am proud of all that i did here, but given that my last writing was like. early 2023? late 2022? i dont know. anyway it's probably time to leave it behind lol

i wont be deleting any of my work, because as much as i do not support wilbur (SHELBYSUPPORTSQUAD WOOOO), this is literally an archive of the bare minimum of my old work, which i think is cute lmao. i like looking back and seeing that my writing style hasnt changed whatsoever lol

thank you all for being so kind to me while i was here, especially anons, you guys were lovely <3

perhaps I'll see you again soon ;3

bye!!!!!!

[amythetraveler]

Hello there,wonderful reader!!Welcome to my safe space!!

Ive decided to start an acc on tumblr to also share my shifting stuff and my journey to my dr here.

**This post will be updated as time goes on...

Also,More Information Below...

My youtube channel below:✨️👇🏽👇🏽✨️

🦋Realities i want to shift(not in an cretain order):

🦋Dune(yea i havent seen ppl talk abt shifting to this one,so i made this one mainly because of Leto Atreides...Yeah i wanna be his duchess,and he wont die on my dr,that man deserved better),

🦋Stranger Things(im currently choosing between season 1 and 3 because i want to get used to the dr before the events of s4),

🦋Big hero 6(yeah id admit it,im there mainly bc of tadashi and baymax),

🦋Harry Potter(maybe,or maybe not bc it involves war and idk if i would go there tbh),

🦋Berserk(yeah i wanna be guts sister and meet judeau,that man deserved better),

🦋Star Wars sequels(but my dr not being ruined with the whole palapatine thing,or making it better than what it turned out to be in the movies),

🦋Ballerina in 19th century(i wanna be a famous ballet dancer without the racism of that time and various mofifications without making it a 21st century modern dr)

🦋Twilight movies(yeah ik its sound dumb,but i like the 1st movie color pallette,it has SO much blue,and yes im aware of the toxicity of the main couple and jacob as a character)

🦋Game Of Thrones,(with various script ajustments from the shows that we all know)

🦋Castlevania but its 21st Century,(obv with dracula as my so)

🦋The Walking Dead Show,(ik this one is also pretty popular for shifters,but i wanna watch the whole show first),

🦋AND MORE Drs!!(imma updare soon on that)

Dni: Homophobes,rap11ts,anti shifters,ped00s,racists,more!!

ALSO,FORGOT TO MENTION:

Some codes i will use:

😐=Random cr Rant abt my daily life,

🤣=Random Rant i do Abt an movie,series,etc from this Cr,

😍=Random Motivation for u guys(yeah i wanna give motivation to the ones who arent motivated :')

😅=Stuff Abt My Drs Script,

These are "Codes" for when u know of wich dr im talking About or when im talking about an experience in a certain dr:

When im at Castlevania in 21st century=🫠

When im at Game Of Thrones=🎵

When im at Harry potter=🪽

When im At Dune=🏜

When im at Berserk=🌸

When im at Bh6=🧭

When im at Stranger Things=💥

Ballerina in 19th century=✨️

Twilight=💝

My yputuber and celebrity dr duo=⭐️

SOME STUFF ABT MY CR SELF(AKA ME):

🦋Gender:Female,

🦋Where im from:planet earth :),

🦋pronouns:She/Her,

🦋U can call me amy(i dont like to reveal private info abt me),

🦋I have been on shifting since maybe 2021-2022 and been between leaving it and returning to shifting due to various reasons(mainly bc i cant stick to one dr and keep going until i arrive there lol),

🦋I havent arrived to any of my drs atm(ill update when this happens),

🦋Where i have my scripts:Lifa app(its an app thats on the ios and android,its pretty useful TRUST ME),

Take care and enjoy my blog!!

[rise-my-angel]

Ummm hi. Idk how to say this without sounding crazy but I binged the entirety of your hotgw modern AU in two days and it gave me such bad brainrot I had to cancel my plans with my friends to keep daydreaming about it. It’s so good I’m literally going insane I cannot stop thinking about it the way you write Jon is sooooo excellent and perfect he’s so comforting but also hot and Reader as a character is really touching too ? Like I usually don’t care much for OCs or whatever but you put such care in depicting her trauma and healing and staying true to where she’s at in the healing process, idk as someone who’s been in pretty terrible relationships I can’t necessarily relate to her reactions but I definitely empathized and rooted for her the whole time, and obviously Jon is an absolute sweetheart about it (AND HIM CALLING READER DARLING OMG I WAS GIGGLING AND KICKING MY FEET) anyways I also love how you fleshed out the relationships surrounding reader, like margaery and Sansa and their dynamics with her idkkk I can’t say anything abt the main series but your modern AU is so immersive and i really forgot everything about my life while I was reading it, and I can’t stop thinking about it, obviously I’m gonna attack the main series soon but I was also wondering if you’re ever gonna write a fic with Robb as the main love interest/the endgame ? Im so partial to him and I love how protective and devoted he is (not that Jon isn’t but I’ve already had a FEAST of Jon and im dreaming abt more crumbs of Robb) unrelated and Idk if this is weird to say but I love how you write Jon’s breeding kink LMAO like it’s very hot and sexy obv but you also make it sweet and tender and I loveeeee how you’re like pathologically addicted to angst it literally hits all of my sweet spots your writing was perhaps made for me IDK THE MODERN AU HIT SO MANY OF MY FAVORITE TROPES EVER and tbh I’m usually kinda indifferent to pregnancy as a trope but you literally converted me like it has taken over my brain it’s sooooo good and delicious and idk I think it’s because every chapter you wrote felt so thoughtful and planned out that I loved the pregnancy ? Like often it’s used as an afterthought to move the plot along but you really invested it and explored all of the ramifications/the consequences of it, it was so good and now I want more of it lmfao ? Anyways Reader was so freaked out by the pregnancy discovery that at first I was convinced she was gonna flee from Jon or hide it from him and I was also extremely down for that idea (written by you specifically bc you do angst way way too well, perhaps the best to ever do it! what can I say) and i suppose you’re not lacking ideas for fics to write but if someday you just happened to want to write that as another pregnancy trope I would eat it up so bad I would never recover id probably be eighty on my rocking chair still talking about it. Anyways I’m gonna attack the main series in the next few days, pray for me that i wont obsess over it bad enough that I’ll fail my classes I have so many exams coming up next month but I have the feeling hotgw will take priority ,,,, either way MWAH I’m smooching you you’re the best never stop writing I believe in God bc nature and chance alone couldn’t have come up with such a writer as you have a great day week month life etc

Wow what a message to open up to, this was a treat to read! First of all I an so sorry for my fic taking so much of your life and brain space and I am incredibly sorry that if you tackle the main of hotgw its SO LONG AND I AM SO SORRY.

I feel so bad whenever someone starts this series new because I feel like you have no idea what a commitment it would be to read this monolith of a fic.

I always know that someones reaction post abusive relationships is different and so I use my own experiences as a starting point and build off of that, so I hope that it doesn't take you out if it too much. I'm aiming for realistic for reader as opposed to universally understood because everyone's reactions would be so different.

I'm so glad the modern au has resonated so much with you, it's been my little side project when I need a break from the heavy angst of the main series, so to see it enjoyed with fresh eyes is so nice! I'm glad someone totally disconnected from my main series could get into it!

If youd like, I would love to hear your thoughts on my main series if you tackle that because so far you have been highly entertaining which I appreciate a lot 😅💜

[tainted-virus]

Vi’s Thoughts on Today’s BSD Chapter (109) - A SKK Analysis

⚠️MAJOR MANGA SPOILERS (obviously)⚠️

I’m sobbing actually, aNyWaYs—

This post is basically just gonna be me talking abt Soukoku in this chapter bc wtf was THAT. Everything has gone to shit.

Let me preface by inserting my thoughts of 105.5 (months ago) bc I talk a LOT abt SKK in that as well.

“There is literally NO WAY Dazai & Sigma are gonna drown. Fyodor obv wont do shit but, even as a vampire, [I believe] Chuuya is still conscious & aware of what he’s doing. He knows Dazai could drown. But, i think bc of how bonded they are, he won’t let that happen. Dazai prob has a slight idea of how to get out, but even if he doesn’t, Chuuya will be there.

THEY CAN READ EACH OTHERS HEARTBEATS. They are literally spiritually connected. They hate each other but have shown time & time again that they DO care about the other. Dazai is the only partner Chuuya has ever had that hasn’t died & (assumingly) hasn’t betrayed him (I’m allowing myself to believe Dazai knew there was a way for Chuuya to escape b4 he’d drown) & is the only one to keep Chuuya ALIVE after he uses Corruption. And Chuuya is the only partner of Dazai’s that hasn’t (technically) died and IN THE LIGHT NOVELS, Dazai himself said Chuuya was the one that made him feel alive and like there was something to live FOR.

Asagiri (BSD Creator) said they were MADE FOR EACH OTHER. They were created in the series to BALANCE each other out. If one lives, the other HAS to be alive.”

Of course, now that we know Chuuya is still a vampire, whether or not his thoughts are jumbled is questionable. In the chapter where he and Fyodor could have drowned, it seemed like there were tears in his eyes after hearing Dazai say his goodbyes, but there’s always a chance it was for another reason or just from the water he was in.

I think Dazai tried to get through to Chuuya like he had when he left him and Fyodor to drown. But then Chuuya shot him in the head. Is it questionable that Dazai was still alive and talking after this? Absolutely. Could he be playing dead? Maybe.

But also, it would be poetic if the ONLY thing that could kill Dazai was the person that was literally made to be paired with him.

Now that it’s confirmed that Chuuya is still a vampire, I have no idea what to believe. It’s possible that they pull a whole “Soukoku prevails” thing or Dazai could ACTUALLY be dead and either 1) Chuuya dies too or 2) Chuuya SOMEHOW lives but has no reason to because the one guy that could nullify corruption and the one guy he trusted with his LIFE was killed by him. Since Asagiri made Chuuya FOR Dazai, I don’t think Chuuya would live very long if Dazai did die.

Idk, Asagiri worries me.

- Virus

[mdpikachu]

Sinclair for the send me a character thing!

If it isnt too much of a problem, Ryoshu too please. I tried to resist but it came out this time.

i will do Both

First impression

For Sinclair, he was just kinda. There? But also seemed reasonable compared to his surrounding mates. Ryoshu had some interest but kinda faded into the background when she wasn't relevant

Impression now

That is my son boy and I want everything Ryoshu says uncensored, or translated, she's right about everything and he's doing his best

Favorite moment

my screenshots are of the important parts always tkt as a whole is in second for ryoshu. sinclair is obvs against kromer, second place trying to threaten pirates

Idea for a story

i do not write them and everyone knows this, i am the dante writer in this server house.

WHERE i can use them... well theres the one where ryoshu would be turned into a lil fox and she'd absolutely still be using her sword. forgot what sinclair was. a deer maybe i forgot.

Unpopular opinion

sinclair is NOT transfem in my opinion. hes, something, but unless another sinner transitions at the same time, it isnt happening. 6 men 6 women. ryoshu needs to do more all the time. also i viserally hate kromer and every time i see anything romantic with him and kromer i die

Favorite relationship

points back and forth between ryoshu and sinclair

Favorite headcanon

transfemme ryoshu. sinclair uh. hm. hmmmmmm. i unno. i think he should keep the seagull. itll be good for him (it wont)

[trickstarbrave]

i have a dumb plot bunny in my brain that wont go away

sometime like. i guess before the war a member of house dres sees nerevar and decides to take nerevar as his concubine. nerevar the whole while is trying to think of a way out of it, looking for an escape plan that will actually keep him free. hes drinking or using skooma to cope with the shit in the mean time. all the while voryn has been looking for him

voryn eventually hears a rumor that a dres nobleman has a concubine that seems to match nerevar's appearance. going to his home sure enough, its nerevar. in a rage he ends up just poisoning the guy and taking nerevar while nerevar is intoxicated/passing out. back at kogoruhn a few recall spells and teleportation later, nerevar wakes up thoroughly annoyed because if it was that easy he would have done it months ago. now house dres is gonna know voryn was the last guy to see that nobleman alive AND nerevar is missing. but with some more thinking he has them fake documents that nerevar was 'bought' by voryn as thats prob the only way they are gonna let this go

queue nerevar and voryn having to act as lord and concubine. its a careful little dance theyre both playing, trying hard not to slip up. people from house dres KNOW they were friends, and are trying to catch them in the act as proof the guy was murdered specifically by voryn to free nerevar rather than "happened to die by completely chance after he sold off his favorite concubine sex slave"

theres scheming and planning from nerevar. along with a lot of 'practice'. that both of them enjoy far too much. fake punishments, illusion magic to make nerevar look bruised, etc etc. nerevar and voryn both feelings ashamed theyre way too enjoy the act when they're supposed to be 'friends' who are 'forced to act like this'. and ofc hushed whispers where they reassure the other and feel comfort holding the other at night (just because thats how a lord and his new favorite concubine would sleep. obv. the fact they are secretly in love with the other cant be revealed)

[fatratbabyy]

hi! i really love your designs, the colours are always really well done anf the characters are full of life.. and i love how your rewrites give the characters complexity and make them really interesting to me, much more so than canon(though i am a fan of some ideas introduced there, they don’t quite turn out in ways that make sense to me)! i’ve been wondering a few things about helluva troupe for a while however and hopefully the answers aren’t spoilers, lol.. in HT, what is Fizz’s involvement with the ‘troupe’ and what is stolas’s involvement too.? i wish you much luck on your work as it is lovely to see! (also apologies for my silly username)

Thank You!

Thank you so much that means a lot!! waaAahee! It makes me happy to see people interested 🥺👉👈

With Fizz it's,,, a bit Fuzzy, because hilariously he's the whole reason I made this AU among other things But I ended up makinh him a sorta side character antag again because while originally he was going to be part of the main crew from the start of HT's storyline, as I went along in trying to write I saw some cool hcs about his star clown days and so I thought to use the more canonized view- mostly in that he's a star clown during the events of HT instead of dropping the show life to join Blitz in I.M.P. That previous version is why you see him in the I.M.P references- and hinty hoo that ol version isnt completely null and voice to the current HT

ANYWAY so yeah- While Fizz isn't as much a main character as he was he still has a great deal of importance to the story and themes I want to express in HT. When it comes to him and the Troupe itself, I could best describe him as one of the biggest foils or parallels to the main cast. Just,, he's this golden image that represents their every want fulfilled. For Blitz especially given their thick history heehooo. (That's not to say this 'golden image' is entirely as it seems btw...)

Now it sounds much like canon I know but I like to think I'm taking a different direction with it- It's not really just the "haha you suck with relationships, fuck, shit, pénis im doing better look at my good relationship" nonsense cuz for 1. Fizzarozzie does nOT exist anymore- its Mamzie now 😊 (Mammon + Ozzie) and 2. The themes with Fizz and really most of HT has less to do with the melodramatic romance "will they wont they" of Stolitz (which isnt really a thing either) and more the struggle impoverished and oppressed peoples experience with success, failure, identity, community, family, status, history, trauma, etccc. Specifically, because I am an indigenous person from Canada, a lot of the themes are drawn from my own experiences, knowledge and history as an indigenous person. Though with execution, creative liberties were taken to make the fact they're in Hell clear btww-

That very likely did nOT answer jour question but i amn,,,stoopi 😭😭😭 simpler answer i suppose maybe by chance would be Fizz is an eventual antagonist to I.M.P. Specifics and how it happens and wheNNN?? Im still not sure yet if im honest- been really busy the last year or so and so Ive hadnt had any time or energy to work as much on writing all the things! ;u; thats probs disappointing to hear cuz plaNNing and all is important if you're gonna post story stuff at all,,, but !! I do hope to work more on the story this year so i can wrap up all these floating ideas into a Concrete line of stuff cuz truly all im missing is the middle pieces. Maybe an HT comic will be real this/or next year! 👀🏃

ANYHOOT ONTO STOLAS! i rambled a bit too much about Fizz cuz im still figuring him out- Stolas might be a bit shorter cuz his role is sweet and simplisticerr.

So, Stolas is an antagonist. He and Blitz still have an exchange sort of deal, but the deal is Blitz gets to keep the grimoire for I.M.P if he handles Stolas' "errands" and gives it back on the full moon with ofc none of the uh,,hawny stuff, obv. Blitz kinda keeps this deal under wraps from the rest of I.M.P because for him, it hurts his pride to admit he's in need of some big guy's help. And Stolas is somewhat aware of this. And so, Stolas is this looming, cruel threat that Blitz carries the burden of cuz he's stubborn as fuck whilst the rest of I.M.P remain ignorant.

Some bonus notes that dont really have to do with Stolas involvement with imp but jus how stuff ive changed with his canon influence the story diff than canon; so, Stella isnt a thing anymore. In general the Goetia work much differently- majority of the Goetia being the children of Ozzie instead of Paimon (who is Stolas' sibling now btw too) and the Goetia being thousands of years old instead of fucking 30- Also! While Via is existant she is but a baby instead of a moody teen,, ties heavily with Stolas' motives and how he operates as a character, royal, and Goetian and felt it would work better with how HT Stolas is as a character than it would otherwise.

Also no worries about the username! I dont like canon stolas much either lol,,;

I apologize if this didnt answer much 😭 feel free to let me know if you wanna hear about somn else gwahgh 🏃

[mainprotagonist]

ok ill bite, tell me about your ocs!

YES PERFECT... IVE GOT MANY!!!! You can see all of them on my toyhouse!!! A lot of them are WIP until I get their basics down but theres a lot of them that have icons so at least you can see what they look like

I do fandom ocs but since these stretch from fandom to fandom i wont go all over them but my Big OCs I talk about the most are Kelsey (one piece oc) or Prince (osomatsu san oc).... and i love oc/canon pairs sooo much and the biggest reason I make fandom ocs.... But look out for me making a dungeon meshi oc bc its def gonna happen.

as for my other ocs, I've currently have uhhh (checks hand) 8 'verses' I talk about which is basically just different worlds with different settings and stories that I jump around with working on.. EXPIER, Danger, OI!, Kingdom, Rampage, Red Wire Burn (RWB), V•RSE and Virus.....

I'll put descriptions in a read more so i dont spam up the dash <:)

EXPIER - newest verse of mine where all the characters are some sort of glee performer, drag performer so on so forth. all based on a very specific emotion and I'll give them playlists for songs that fit them. these guys help connect my love for music and ocs. Story follows the whole cast.

Danger, OI! - My oldest verse that I havent worked on in years and obvs needs overhauling and planning but its about people called animal whisperers who can command demons and free them from having no self control that cause them to attack civilians. Follows main character, Bibion.

Kingdom - A verse I work on with my bff milo most of the time and a lot of it wouldnt be possible without him. A world divided into multiple kingdoms: Astral, Angel, Dragon, Lava, Shadow, Spirit, Glacier, Flora n Fauna, Underdwelling and Reef.... All separated by lands considered neutral territory that many live outside of influence of the rulers. Story focuses on the aftermath of a long running war against the Shadow Kingdom rebelling against the others, which had left them devastated and leaving the rest to start anew to deal with their scars and rebuilding what was lost.

Rampage - Follows a train hopping, nonbinary shapeshifting duo named Fyle and Garrett!! Very casual loose verse I also havent worked on in a bit. They are thieves and pick up jobs that involve petty thievery in order to make ends meet.

Red Wire Burn - Usually abbreviated to RWB. Focuses on a vampire run bar and the entertainer that performs there and is given room and board, Desta who is an introverted magician; loves people but needs a lot of alone time, especially after his performances

Seasons - A family of huldrekalls living and surviving in a group or separated depending on the season. Huge plant motifs as they are tree creatures. They help local farmers with their fields and other tasks plus protecting them. Focuses heavily on Melian; the middle child of the family who catches the attention of a half giant by the name of Rexus (belongs to @not-amh). Lore related is that their names are chosen by their significant other as they are born n found no need for a name. Formerly simply known as Huldrekall until he meets Rexus and is given his name.

V•RSE - second oldest verse and arguably the more developed with almost all the ocs having their profile finished.... Its my fictional fashion industry, queer led and many of the workers are LGBT.... Creating clothes for all shapes and sizes regardless of gender; only separating the genres of clothing by the style and size rather than gender. Focuses a lot on Kåre who is the newest worker and learning the ropes of working at V•RSE

Virus - My lil scifi horror verse... An exploration team is sent to an inhabited planet as a means to research the lands. Jason, the teams head researcher, wakens a long dead alien virus, becoming infected and killing the rest of the crew and turning them into almost unrecognizable monsters; the only way to tell theyre the original crew is because of distinct physical features. A team is sent to rescue them or to find what happened to them.

[essiekuko]

all that’s real to me is marilyn and……

i think i went thru all stages of grief in this post. to anyone reading, lots of TWs. i don’t usually give TWs as much as i shld but for the absolute bulk of content in this post i have to.

i am NOT trying to master the art of apologies i dont own now. cause tell me why my mom is mad at me for being upset w her after she practically disowned me??? like what was i sposed to say. "sorry for being disowned"??? like how could she js disown me and then expect me to act like nothing happened, when u disown someone u shld like. not fucking talk to them. like wtf was i sposed to do, just fucking apologise for being disowned?? okay like sorry i didnt wanna sell my soul for the entertainment of ur family who u so desperately seek validation from??? what the actual shit. why tf would i apologise its not my fucking fault ur mad and hate me for not conforming to ur propaganda???? imagine only loving ur child if they do everything u tell them to. didnt u raise me to stand up for myself???? wait. u didn’t, my dad did. she only taught me not to care what others think, which could say a lot abt the preacher.

anyway, so yea this is the explanation post for why my mom disowned me, bc i dont believe in her faith. she disowned me. ok she didnt legally do it but during her tearful speech after attacking me for saying no she js said shes completely done with me, like “i wont help you anymore, dont come to me for anything anymore”, so basically disowning. and it was a rlly tearful speech so i was just like ok, if that’s what u want. no use trying to change ppl, im not gonna beg for forgiveness. she made it clear she’ll only accept me as her child if i conform to her religion, all i said was no i dont want to and she’s gone off and disowned me. such is catholicism 🤷‍♀️

like i rlly don’t gaf is she hates me, but this time is different. there’s been several times where we’ve disagreed, she gets mad, but we’d just make up and apologies would happen and everything would be fine, and all those times it was for something i did and it was my fault. but now it’s her fault, she’s not gonna do anything abt it and idk why, but this time it’s completely different. she’s in the wrong, really wrong for forcing a religion on me, the priest literally said himself that it’s wrong to force religion on others, and he shld know. she dgaf bc the whole reason she’s doing this is to gain approval from her family. she’s putting me on the line all for family validation. ever since it started i’ve been telling her like every week for 4 months that i don’t want to be in this and she’s tried literally every method to get me to conform. positive reinforcement, guilt tripping, she even semi gave up at one point (november, my infamous ‘blackest day’) and just outright admitted to forcing but said that she’s just got every right to and pulled the “as long as u live under my roof” talk. i was in such utter and hopeless despair it’s part of the reason why i started şħ for the first time in nov, cause i felt there was no more hope for me. and she found out abt that too, and just as i predicted she dgaf and deduced that i was insane. like why are u mad that im hvrting myself, and then try to hurt me for hvrting myself like!!!!!!

i had always known that was gonna happen if she found out abt the şħ. i had 2 outcomes in mind. (1) she gets concerned and sends me to a medical professional or (2) she dgaf and gets mad. and (2) was the most likely outcome i knew was gonna happen. the lengths she’d go for her family’s validation is insane. like i alrdy knew she loved them more than the one she made but this is just blatant confirmation, in the most destructive way possible.

and my family trying to GASLIGHT me into thinking i was in the wrong the whole time??! they tried to make me believe like i was “leading her on” and lying abt wanting to follow the religion but they’re obv purposely ignoring the blow up in nov where she just outright stated she dgaf if i don’t wanna do it or not, she’s forcing me anyway bc she said so. but it’s not like im js gonna stay silent and suffer. i kept telling her i didn’t wanna do it and this new years i told her again i didn’t wanna do it and she seemed to have snapped or something? must’ve been her new year’s resolution of living a stress free life, cause she just completely gave up on not only trying to force me to conform, but supporting my whole life in general. like she just full on disowned me. and i swear she just wants to find something to get mad at bc every time we’re near and she talks to me it’s always yelling/scrutiny. idk if her sudden switch up is bd or simply a new year’s resolution but i have reason to believe it’s the latter. bd has to explain why she’s getting mad that im not speaking to her as casually as i did before, but she told me herself not to speak to her anymore like what!!! and the aftermath of this argument in particular isn’t like any other. there’s a clear situation that i’m not at fault for but the other party doesn’t wanna own up and keep the peace.

again, my family encouraged me to literally conform just to make her happy. they knew it’s all wrong for the longest time but they js don’t want her to be upset. every argument after she found out abt my şħ, she literally used şħ against me and would tell me the craziest stuff. at the christmas dinner table she told me i could şħ my face for all she cares. bc i tried to do the cassie method and pretend to eat my food bc im @n0ř€x1ç. irdc if she loves me or not, id rather suffer in freedom than suffer under oppression.

and at the end of all this, i still have sympathy. ik she had a rough childhood, and her mom forced her to do things she didn’t wanna do too, and she suffered in silence too. she must have some sort of religious trauma or something, i mean, there’s gotta be a reason why she so utterly wants her family’s validation. if she regrets having kids and wishes she js stayed by her mother for her whole life, what are we supposed to do abt it? kos? but im not gonna continue the cycle of being silent under mother’s oppression/tyranny. ik she has underlying mental health issues and i sympathise, its js so hard to remember that over all the yelling, but acknowledging it is still important. anyway, she can’t just scrutinise me and then not do anything abt it. she told me she doesn’t gaf if anything happens to me, she won’t help me, i cant go to her anymore. she set her boundaries for her new years and i know they exist, she literally voiced her boundaries so it’s time to respect them? i’m not going to chase her attention and ask for “forgiveness”. forgiveness for what, being myself????

yeah anyway, she’s got severe underlying mental health issues, it’s just another case of walking on eggshells around someone’s undiagnosed daughter. i’m not going to conform and suffer in silence just for ppl to be happy. i have a chronic inability to live a lie.

idk why she dislikes her daughters sm. and idk why i shld be any bit guilty. im not the one attacking and praying on their child’s downfall for not being a catholic. at the end of it all she set her boundaries herself, and we didn’t talk much abt anything else other than my future. her boundaries include not supporting any part of my future so im acknowledging that, im not going to give in and let myself go just so she can be happy. she’ll only love me if i listen to her. and i dont need hers, or anyone’s love. this is a real struggle, this is reality where u have to make it out on ur own. as much as i dont like conflict or bad blood i js gotta accept it and push thru. i’m not gonna dehumanise myself and break my own boundaries just cause hers are up. and the thing is, this situation isn’t entirely unique but it’s actually kind of fresh. this type of argument/something against mom hasn’t happened before until recently, it’s happened to both me and my sibling but mom only gafs abt one. i was thinking why she was so pressed on my beliefs the most, but i think the main reason why she’s so mad is bc she’s been hyping this up to her family. literally why, she shld know that her family literally could gaf less, me saying no is a loss of 15 minutes of entertainment she wanted to give them. i also think she just uses anger as an escape from her problems, and the reason why she’s still so mad at me and harboring feelings despite disowning me is bc she doesn’t know any other way to approach this situation, but with anger. she may also be aware that this is the first time she’s created the situation, and she’s in the wrong, but she doesn’t know how to go abt that and deflects with anger. not living up to expectations is one, she could just be projecting similar events from her upbringing onto me. my theory that this is just a repeating cycle is true, her father was kinder to her than her mother and when parenting kindly, she only likes to say she learned good qualities like forgiveness and understanding from her dad’s raising of her, but she’s never said anything abt her mom’s raising of her if not bad things. so when she makes decisions regarding family matters, and she makes a good/compassionate decision, she gives credit to her dad’s raising, but whenever something bad happens, she doesn’t credit anyone’s raising, but i’m strongly guessing that the bad side of her came from her mom. and now the cycle is repeating. it may also be why she’s so attached to her mom’s opinion of her, and just like her, i am too. could be bc her mom was so hard to please growing up so she developed a fixation on what her mom thinks of her. and from what ik her own mother’s mother was the same, so this is definitely a scary cycle to repeat. seeing as how this is unresolved (and im guessing i could say the same for the 3 generations before me) it could very well repeat to my own daughter. everything i say abt others’ lives is based on pure speculation and knowledge that was shared, since experiences are always different and unique to the individual, i cant say anything for certain. im only wondering why this cycle seemed not to repeat to my older sister, and she’s an open book so i dont see any traces of it happening in her life, then again, i would never rlly understand others better than themselves.

the longer this stays unresolved, the more i’m going to overanalyse it and get worse mentally, and i imagine this is what my prev 3 generations went thru too. we do wtv we can to make her proud, because it seems like she’ll only want just more and more and she’d never settle to be happy. the only emotions we get out of our own individual her is anger. during her speech after me saying no, she did state her feelings: she felt like she had failed as a mother, since in her religion this is what parents should do, teach (push) them into it. she did the first step, introduce me to jesus as a child, and that is what i’m thankful for, but she just can’t see that and she outright ignores it. she’ll forever dwell on the fact that, despite trying all the methods she knew to get me to agree, i still said no. this disowning could very well be another method.

the only thing i hope to get out of this post is relief, but also slightly the chance that i would some day be in an interview titled “how my tumblr vent post turned into a movie”. anyway, if anyone made it to the end of this post, just remember that u don’t need anyone’s approval but ur own (i say as i overanalyse whatever my mom doesn’t say to me and base my attitude for the day off of that)

[acelestialorca]

Take TWO tablets daily, Swallow whole, do not chew.

There's something so hypnotic about the way my body has begun to shift and mould into place, long after it should have, all from a daily pill. It acts as a messenger, roughly translating my sense of self sloppily onto its canvas, not caring about the parts it gets wrong, "its close enough, it will do" and it is, and it will.

I feel it working, not in a profound emotional way, I frankly don't feel emotionally different yet, i tell myself that its cause of the dosage, not enough messengers parroting the beautiful apparition of my muse, but a part of me is haunted by the notion that its working all that it can, and I'm forever unfixable.

No, I feel it in the light soreness of my budding nipple, a comforting pain that i momentarily regret every time I lightly bang my chest into something. I wonder which changes will come next from the list Ive fed myself for three empty years, will my face smooth amongst the viscous tides that sand its edges down, a rock in a sea of change and potential, yet some how always missing the current to sweep it to my feet, Or will it remain angular and jagged, pointed in places and very asymmetrical, very mine

Until then I wait, I'm in no hurry

"Omg Sky whats this, what does it mean??? Tell us!" I hear you all asking, yes yes gather round I'll tell you

Its about fucking HRT like yea obv- Wrote this little story thing (idk what this or any of the stuff here will be, its not a poem its just my thoughts) back in mid december about how wild it is that my body is now changing again cause of Estrogen, but in a way that makes sense Like im not transforming overnight, nor am i really transforming, i still look like me and I always will, same with how I act, outside of the general way people change overtime, thats not going anywhere.

These pills are not magic, i wont be anime transformation sequenced into the hottest girl in the world, ill be me but a bit more traditionally feminine, a random lass you'd see on a bus, and thats ok!

The emotional stuff still kind of rings true but not fully, around the end of last year some switch was finally flicked in my brain and now I have the ability to cry, however it chose to do this on a overstimulating day where I was leaving my (now ex) boyfriend for 3 weeks, leading to me having a breakdown in a Five Guys.

Not ideal

but now I can express emotions and cry which is cool i guess, still not as much as the "10 THINGS THEY DONT SAY WILL HAPPEN ON HRT" videos and blog posts told me I would, to them I would take a few estrodiol pills and become a blubbering mess, craving pickles and coding. None of which is me-

Anyway yes thats this post, see y'all around

Mahogany Tables o/