#but irl NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENS
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I live in a small town and I WISH small towns were actually as fun, exciting, and/or interesting as they’re presented in TV
#they're always so fucking magical in TV#there's secrets about the town#there's weird monsters#shit's going down#but irl NOTHING EVER FUCKING HAPPENS#IT'S SO BORING
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Writing over 30,000 words worth of content for a fic only to realize it’s all pointless because you have no interest in it anymore and you were never gonna finish it anyway….
What even is The Point anymore
#current mood#it’s so joever#this isn’t even the worst part honestly#what really sucks is that this project was the last thing in my life I had any sustainable interest in and now that’s gone too.#now I have nothing. like#the fuck am I supposed to do??? get a new interest??? that’s fucking impossible#nothing hits like it used to and everything is just….bland….and SO MUCH EFFORT to get into#like hobbies are so difficult? and my old hobbies (ex writing) are becoming more and more toxic and like a chore rather than something fun#like writing at this point has become a battle of perfectionism and I’m fucking losing#what am I supposed to do. nothing inspires me. I have no interests. no hobbies. not many friends irl#and it’s not like we ever hang out because people are a fucking piece of work#either they cling to you like dog shit or they never respond to your texts no in between#im just so tired of existing??? and also college??? is fine but like#what the fuck am I DOING here like#why am I getting an art degree??? is this really how I should be spending my time and my parents money?#what the fuck am I gonna do for a job??? what do I WANT from a job???? I don’t even fucking know#i can’t see myself being happy in life doing anything and that’s such a nonstarter#it makes it impossible to start planning anything because I feel paralyzed with fear#and like I said….i don’t have any interests. I don’t LIKE anything. I am the antithesis of curiosity and interest like. there’s just nothing#i can’t do this anymore#im so done#idk why I made this so long but#I guess I have a lot on my mind I wanted to share#sorry for cringe posting on main it will happen again#im sorry in general actually for everything im sorry for being needy and attention seeking and annoying and flaky and never finishing any of#my fics because I lose interest and for not responding to anyone in my inbox I’m sorry#personal#cringe#cringetober#long tags
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do i have to move to philly.
#i have friends there. and in the vicinity.#i cannot fathom moving out of state. away from my family.#because they are the ONLY fucking irl support i have and can count on. even if it’s not much.#and i would miss my brothers so bad.#but i have an increasingly difficult time imagining life here.#it’s bad for my health. it’s extremely hard to find community and like-minded people. nothing ever happens. idfk.#izzy.txt
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Oh god. Rip to getting sleep properly tonight.
Memory of Grey's of getting locked (locking himself) in the Library itself for.... Uh. A very very very long time, probably bent time, I don't think he went missing per se for the time he was in there but he fucking came out the other side changed, that's for sure. Locking yourself in your own creation... body... extension... second (third? Fourth? Etc?) brain...
I'm nothing if not -
I was going to say, I don't know, tenacious, dedicated, willing to put myself through my experimentation to put my money where my mouth is but I am nothing but tomorrow, tomorrow, then I
#I wanted to delve... how do I word this. I wanted to hook some of my brain back into it tonight and thought maybe I should focus on it#Ah yes. The memory. Endless silver hallways. Echoes#did you know. distort? Nothing is ever echoed identically to when it was spoken. Every echo back loses something whether#it's the cracks on the walls absorbing the harshness of the S sound or dimming the emphasis on the O. Oh you're gonna give me#those letters are you... Am. I. Whatever.#There was definitely a distorted time projection into the Library close to it's proper establishment (though when was that exactly?)#and. I've seen enough. I know the intimacies of it's mirrors and cubes and crystalline surfaces. I know them from studying endlessly#how things reflect imperfectly in there. Minute ways in which an image differs from its origin. The corners of mirrors lose details#like exposing a HDD to magnets. I know the way that it takes time for light to reach the eye meaning we always see the past#- I just. vividly. saw a light pass over me irl like something white in the dark. OK.#Anyway. I. The fuck is this cold presence. Is that actually me what the fuck is that#Ah. God. I saw the third recommended word on my phone there. I saw it was tat. The only time I write that is when I say#tat tvam asi. That I Am.#ramblings //#Also yes something did happen - urge to write that. OK. I meant. OK. The rest of what I meant doesn't matter#Apocrypha by Metatron Omega.#Sky Library //#Memories //
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(preface this by saying im too scared to do anything) i wish i could fucking kill myself
#i just have nothing left to even hope for#im never gonna be hsppy#nothing good will evef happen to me#i work a shitty job where wveryone hates me i dont have any irl friends and my family hates me too#and nothing will ever fucking change#why do i keep getting my hopes up#i will never feel even remotely safe or happy or loved or cared about#i keep saying i want to go home but i dont even have a home just the shitty place where i live#im so tired#im just so tired#and ive felt like this for as long as i can remember#and no one has cared#and no one will ever care#im just not meant to be happy or content#i was doomed from the moment i was conceived
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sick 2 my stomach for a plethora of reasons friday
#started thinking abt how neither of my parents have ever known me and never will :)#I heavily limit criticism of my mom and dump all my resentments on my dad bc she was the one who did all (ALL) the emotional labor#in our household#but she very much fucked me up in recognizable ways too lmao#she has an extremely narrow view of the world and we’ve argued so hard it devolved into yelling sometimes but nothing changes#I get really heated when we talk abt queer issues especially to the point that if she brings anything up now I have to tell her#‘we can’t talk about that’#she’s always like ‘why do you get so angry abt this. is there something you’re not telling me’#and I’m always like ‘you definitely know queer people irl they just don’t feel safe/comfortable disclosing their identity to you’#and she still refuses to see it lmao. which is why I can say that much#I know it’s like completely unfathomable to her. something that happens to other ppl’s kids#even more so with my dad of course - he views certain people as just like. subhuman. not worth having any kind of discussion about#I don’t feel comfortable having a conversation with him abt ANYTHING lol he is a fundamentally unsafe person to me#but I can’t ever express that without wounding him deeply (everything is about respect with him)
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there is literally not a worse feeling that exists than the feeling that you just annoy people.
#just doesn't exist. I'm so fucking isolated right now i absolutely hate it. and the people that ARE close to me?#i feel that i annoy them the most and one of them is actively pushing me away#i can't find anyone to be friends with me IRL here in Jersey. it's been almost nine months here#and I don't have a single IRL friend. i try online apps and support groups but nothing clicks#and the people that chat with me on the apps stop answering after 2 messages.#my own best friend of like 8 years won't even fucking talk to me. not bc she hates me or anything#but she is so fucking caught up in her own head that she literally avoids me. so that sucks!!#i know she's suffering bc she is so worried about me but. it's a really big slap in the face that#we've supported each other thru thick and thin the past 8 years. and i dropped everything for her more than once#but in my time of biggest need when I'm the most alone I've ever been in my adult life???#she cannot show up for me. that fucking sucks.#and I've distanced myself from my only close family bc they've severely mistreated me so.#all i have is my partner. who means the world to me and sacrifices so much to help me!!#but it comes at the cost of CONSTANTLY feeling like a huge fucking annoyance to the only person in my life#who is genuinely able to show that they love and care for me. that's literally awful to feel.#we just had our 5 year anniversary and i needed something really celebratory so badly.#and it didn't happen and our ''anniversary'' was just at home#and our official anniversary of starting dating is on veterans Day. and we won't even be in the same fucking region#so I'll be alone with my shitty family.#i hate it i feel so unappreciated and unwanted and like nothing about me is ever enough.#negative#audio
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it's kind of fascinating because maybe a few months ago if i was having a breakdown i had someplace to put it. but i got to university and i was like totally happy so i never questioned the fact that i no longer had anywhere? like the last time i seriously considered what i was going to do when this happened was the talk about putting me in semi proximity to my sister but i can't exactly talk to her about this. there's fucking nowhere.
#nightmare.personal#also i know i have people i can talk to online. i am not going to fucking do that though#i literally have not made amends for the emotional burden i've placed on some mutuals i've known for a while already#so i'm not going to make the case worse for myself in that regard or with anyone else#this is embarrassing .#i cannot believe i am still this fucking weak. this fucking weak!#nothing even happened. nothing has ever happened.#and i can't. talk to my college friends.#and i CAN'T talk to my high school friends.#have i ever had a friend i could just earnestly discuss my emotions to without fucking up? jury's out#i realize that sounds hypocritical though since i've traumadumped to my online friends for like 3 years straight now#but i don't think i made a space for myself to do that IRL after everything#because she no longer loves me. WHATEVER ! we're so fine.
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keep having this dream where I'm all fuckin. grey and shit. something about teal? and im talkign with my fucking rival on some old chat app but the letters look all weird. I think he's jade colored for some reason too idfk. it's not even a nightmare but this is the 3rd time and I haate it, what the fuck is my brain doing this time?
#wait whaat the fuck whaats going on with my phone. aarc fucking daammit. hold on#aand my fuckign phone is messing up. ignore the extra aa's ive given up on fighting it. I need to get this thing replaaced#its only this button. dunno wtf haas to haave haapened but whaat can you do aat some point...#it's pretty much on life support now#there's aalso this like.. this weird white.. thing? Pokemon? That I caan't recognize. Looks aabsolutely nothing like aanything ive ever see#I dont remember everything really well so I caan't begin to describe it. It's weird as fuck though#aand why is HE of all people always here in that dream. I fucking hate him get him out of my subconscious pleaase aand thaank you.#// being cringe on main (this isnt even my main) and referencing other aus of Paris#// I am so sorry. it will happen again.#pkmn irl#pokemon irl#rotumblr
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i hope andrew hussie gets shot in the head i am so serious
#nothing happened or anything i just hate him forever and i want him to die#my posts#well something did happen i was crying for reasons i dont understand about everyone around me irl thinking homestuck is good bc of how#into it i was for so long and they basically only ever knew it as a part of me and they love me so they love it#but i fucking hate homestuck i hate it so much#its so dead to me and i feel nothing for it except bitter resentment and shame and the fact that if i were to go back in time and never read#it i would be a completely different person and its fundamental to who i am makes me want to THROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but there's something else and i dont understand what it is but its making me so sad#he needs to die. he needs to die for making me feel like this#i doubt it would fix anything but its worth trying anyway#any followers who like homestuck i still love you this beef is personal its between me and him#vent#didnt even tag that at first bc i never do that
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why not mewhynot me whynotme whynotMEwhy Not Mewhy not me whynot me whynotme Whynot me WHYNOTME why not me. why not me
#irls please dont read this. sorry#im so overwhelmed rn. and i fucking feel like im going to die#like yes we all know im soooo unlovable that nothing new but god. i just want to be intimate and have someone be my safe space again#i KNOW its unhealthy and its not like its ever gonna happen again. but its all i can fucking dream of#i wwnt to be all someone thinks about just like how i always think about them. maybe i just want to be equals in a relationship. because#CLEARLY my last relationship i was the only one feeling anything!! and CLEARLY I PUT ALL THE FUCKING WORK IN AND I LOVED SO HARD. AND#IT WASNT EGEN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IT WAS THE HEALTHIEST ONE IVE EVER BEEN IN. BUT IM STILL TOO MUCH 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂#even now i cant think about that too much because i literally think were soulmates. and its Too Upsetting to think about that#when she broke up with me and said ‘i had a lot of fun with you’. we dated for 11 months. you met my family. donyou know how mucch ghat#CRUSHED me#i was doing so well. and i was having healthy relationship thoughts! and i was telling myself that i was just insecure those last few weeks.#and then i fucking spiraled OF COURSE I SPIRALLED.#hahahahahaha im not even talking about the other thing i think ill really kill myself if i think out that at all#whatever i dont even have time to be having a breakdown right now!! haha hahahaah i literally cant imagine making it to the end of this week#jace.txt
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hmm
#shortext#vent#recently ive been thinking about like... idk my relationship to humans in general#like i feel so detached? disconnected and distant from people sometimes even my friends#recently a friend ive had for years just sorta. we stopped talking and after a while i decided to shoot her a message see how she was doing#she left me on read and hasnt talked to me since but like i dont feel sad... and neither do i as i drift apart from other friends#i just feel nothing and i feel like a bad person for it but. there must be a reason right? why bother them then... besides the im not#feeling anything at all on my end#its this total strangeness and otherness from a concept of humanity in general. ever since i was younger i fucking detested being a person#nowadays its easier to ignore but its always skulking in the back of my mind#and i know some of why that happens but other parts i dont.. its so strange and its even worse bc even if i could put it into words which#i barely can i sorta just get brushed off or a typical 'what the hell' and just moving on...#im sorta just writing this to get out all this since i never will be able to irl#okie now forget i sad anything ever ^-^
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You real fucking dumb you know that?
#irl post#like WHY do you let her gaslight you like that?!#she could say anything you know is a blatant fucking lie and STILL BELIEVE HER#fucking look at you#you’re late for work because you listened to her#‘nothing ever happens in the city in the weekends. you’re crazy’#EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPENS IN THE CITY ON THE WEEKENDS#YOU KNOW THIS#YOU SAID THIS TO HER#BUT NOPE#YOU STILL LEFT AM HOUR LATER#FUCK ME DUDE#WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WOTH YOU?
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I desperately need a follow up to the drunk Buck thinking Eddie is Tommy fic. DESPERATELY
omggg i’m so glad you liked it!! i wasn’t planning to go any further with this one just bc i already wrote my ideal version of buck/eddie getting together with tommy in the picture, so i think a continuation of this one would end up looking really similar. however i will ramble in the tags about what a follow up could look like if anyone is so inclined ✨
#so i think buck does actually forget come morning. and obviously they wake up in the same bed and he’s kind of like wtf but it’s not that w#weird bc he’s also fully in his clothes and the most hungover ever so. whatever yk. and he like pats eddie on the shoulder as they’re gettin#getting ready as they do and eddie jumps like a mile high bc the last time buck was touching him he was trying to get into his pants#so buck is like okayyy what gives. and irl eddie would probably be like nothing lol but for the purpose of fic he could be like yeah you wer#were pretty confused last night. you thought i was tommy. and buck is like jfc i didn’t do anything weird did i. and eddie is like nooo no n#no no no. no everything is fine. and then he prob has a sad moment watching buck and tommy dance together at the wedding and then it bleeds#into my generic buck/eddie via buck/tommy fic. FIN.#oh also i set a rule when i started making notes for this that i wasn’t allowed to try to touch the larger plot of the show lol i did Not wa#want to start guessing about whatever the fuck happens to chimney. so that is another reason i will prob not continue bc it’s meant to be li#like plausibly canon verse. ANYWAY THANK YOU!!#also this is a perfect glimpse into what my drafting process looks like#asks#911 abc
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dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)
#im in hell#that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real#my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually#and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am#it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom#and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure#it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t#make myself take more than 2 bites#the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself#something. omfgggggggff#I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it#more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do#and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting#addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore#my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance#but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working#it’s like wtf happened#I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way#and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything#it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he#doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing#and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative#but now it’s like#🪿#yk what I mean#there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into#my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help#him with anything too#I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or#I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often
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this has given me the Brainrot for the entire week op so I’ve doodled some Dannys for my excerpt
DP x DC prompt - Who gets amnesia twice?!
Danny and Amnesiac!Jason
Jason has an accident as Red Hood which causes which to suffer from amnesia - he ends up with Danny and the two build a life together
One day, Jason leaves for something and tells Danny that “he’ll be back soon.”
Coincidentally Jason regains his memories from before Danny (maybe he meets his family or a rogue or gets into another accident) - but regaining his old memories causes him to forget Danny due to the confusion
Jason resumes his life prior to Danny - and poor Danny is worried about his bf/fiance/husband and goes to look for him - maybe when he finds Jason, Jason doesn’t recognize him and acts coldly/suspicious towards him
So Danny decides to go live in the GZ semi-permanently for a while and fakes his current living identity’s death
Jason starts remembering Danny and goes to find his lover only to come across a grave
#reblogging from here#that is a tub full of ectoplasm in case anyone is wondering. her own personal lazarus pit :]#she does it every death day because she gets terrible phantom pains#and those big scars are burns from the portal accident#the second image is a bby danny fresh out of the accident. she’s not doing too hot#girl. girlie. baby gorl. go disinfect those burns they’re gonna get infected— or at least go draw a bath and dump some ectoplasm in it#that last photo looks better irl and im mad about it. why does that always happen.#she has so many scars bc my favorite angsty headcanon i've made is that ghosts can survive lethal injuries and some of them carried over#into her human form. that scar on her neck is from a botched decapitation. that was not a fun night#the first one is the most recent you can tell bc i tried to make her more beefy bc in my head she's a boxer. i've been left to marinate wit#gascan over femme danny for the entire week and this is the result.#you'll never catch me alive drawing shoes. they're my fucking beLOATHED. how do yall artists do it#guess whose anatomy is getting betteerrrrrr#danny has the same taste in men as her sister: loser men with leather jackets and motorcycles. altho she wont realize this until jason#gets one later down the road. she shows him exactly why the Fentons are their own traffic warning.#girlie reinvents 5 road laws and violates 20 more. at least she comes with less collateral damage.#'my parents love their daughters. just.... not more than they love their job.' danny says to jason one day#unintentionally giving him the worst emotional sucker punch ever. and he doesnt even know why#jason how'd you bag a baddie... how'd you bag a baddie bro. HOW'D YOU FUCKING FUMBLE. HOW DO YOU FUMBLE SO BAD#i went overboard on the scars and i regret Nothing
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