#but idk this diagnosis made me feel really at peace

[thunderc1an]

I got diagnosed! I was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was younger, and I got reevaluated in high school. This time before I start applications for my masters I got once again reevaluated. This diagnosis came with more stuff (I got diagnosed with the impairment in math in high school), but it feels good to get a proper explanation!

[5chwuffi]

okay so, before i fully get into it a few things.

i think the patients lover is more important to the story than most people make them out to be. i think more of the songs have aspects that include them than i usually see people talking about.

my main thing, and what mostly even gave me the idea to really look at the story, are certain themes. the first one is religious imagery. the songs on the album that fit this the most are house of wolves and mama. house of wolves, from what i currently understand, talks a lot about the patients guilt; this is connected to another theme. mama talks a lot about hell, guilt as well. i think mama shows the guilt from the parader (or death, but i believe the parader to be a soldier who died in the field. i think his guilt made him unable to move on, made him stuck traveling the world as a spirit who has to guide lost souls.) i think he feels guilt over his actions during the war (wwI most likely).

the second theme is crime. the patient seems to have a rough past, and his lover seems to be involved. i think teenagers shows a lot of this, as well as the sharpest lives. my working theory ties emily into this. i think the patient, his lover and their friends were in some way involved in crime, and he feels guilt over his actions. especially considering the fact that his father wanted him to be a savior to the broken, and instead he became a criminal. his lover doesn't seem to feel the same way, which causes a lot of strain in their relationship.

the last theme is being lost/not finding a way home. there are multiple songs with lyrics that suggest that the patient, or even more his lover seem to be lost and can't go home. this would also make sense with the parader. he died overseas and never got to go home, he feels lost. this could also be a reason for why he wasn't able to move on into the afterlife.

now, this might be far fetched, but i think each of these themes has a specific song from the b-sides/single that represents it.

heaven help us - religious guilt

kill all your friends - his criminal past

my way home is through you - home

this is most likely coincidence but i still think it's very interesting to look at.

my initial thoughts on the story: i think the patient had a rough past. he wasn't accepted by his parents or peers (teenagers, "you were always born a crime" (my way home is through you) etc. show this for me) and this made him fall in with the wrong crowd. he found his lover and her friends, and they became criminals. he seems to have been more hesitant about this life of theirs, she seems to have been more confident. when his diagnosis comes, he wants to make amends. he thinks back on his life, on the wrongs he's done. i think he was raised religious which leads to his religious guilt. he feels like a sinner, like exactly the type of person his father wanted him to save. he feels hopeless. the parader, who's job it is to guide him into the afterlife, can empathize with him. he relates to the patients strained relationship with his parents as he had a similarly strained relationship with his mother. he relates to the guilt the patient feels and the way that he feels lost, unable to come home. as the patient thinks about his life, all the choices he made, everything he did, the parader helps him accept his past and find peace. the patient talks to his lover and they part ways, not necessarily in a good way. when he finally dies, the parader appears to him in the form of the black parade. the parader leads him through his death and helps him move onto the afterlife. he reassures the patient that he will be fine, that he is no longer afraid to walk this world alone and help these souls, that he has accepted his fate. the patient manages to forgive himself, and moves on into the afterlife.

mind you, i haven't really done my analysis yet, this is just what i currently think could've happened. idk. it's a complicated album but it is what i love so much about it.

(p.s. i believe that the songs we got with living with ghosts are more abt the lover. the patients father talks about appearing to him as a phantom, and i think living with GHOSTS means that these songs are about the lover, and her having to live with the ghosts of her past aka the patient.)

[fairycosmos]

Idk how the mental health care is in the UK but do you think you could go see a doctor? Or a therapist? I know therapy doesn’t work for everyone so idk how you feel about it but at least a doctor could diagnose you or maybe refer you to someone. I hope this doesn’t sound condescending and obviously we don’t know each other but it breaks my heart that you feel so hopeless because I can 200% relate to that, I’ve felt like that my whole life even as a child but about a year ago I got diagnosed with ADHD ( which made so much sense my world was turned upside down in a good way) and started medication and I mean… I’d be lying if I said everything is merry go happy sunshine ( far from it 💀) but it helped so much to get that diagnosis because I know “what’s wrong” now and I’ve only recently started planning for the future cause I can see one now but I know your situation might be very different so I’m not judging you ( not that I’d have the right either) and this might sound fkg stupid and infuriating but I just want you to know that even when you feel like your complete trapped and all the doors seem closed if you look closely you’ll always find at least one door that’s ajar. I truly do hope you are able to find peace of mind and at least a little bit of happiness, just know that there are people rooting for you ❤️🌹

hii so the thing is is that whenever i go to the doctors they just refer me to a waiting list and then when you actually do get some counselling it's only for like six weeks so.....there's honestly no point in even bothering with it. i went to a private therapist for a while, but she was the cheapest i could find and i didn't make any progress with her. it's really hard to get assessed for anything mental-health wise by our healthcare system, they just put you on a waiting list. honestly it's more energy than i have to give rn for no real payoff. i am on antidepressants though, so at least there's that! thank you sm for the kindness and for looking out for me ❤️🌹 im really glad you found a way forward and im glad the future is opening up for you again. it's so deserved <3 mwah. x

[butch-reidentified]

Can I ask what an adult autism diagnosis can do for you? I'm sure I have it too but what's the point in getting the label if it's too late to instill good coping mechanism + it might make employers pay you less and courts take you less seriously

my psychiatrist and I had this conversation & kept my assessment "unofficially official," ie, Medically legitimate but off-record. I've never told an employer, but we did the assessment for my peace of mind and to help put a lot of my life in context/ help me tolerate things about myself that I can't stand but can't change. It definitely has changed a lot for me. Having my friends & parents know this about me has given me slack I needed in a lot of ways and changed how they treat me/react to my behaviors and needs, as well as how we communicate. It's also helped me become more aware of certain things and a lot less insecure.

At first, I felt way more insecure and at times, extremely self loathing because I felt like it meant I was worthless & hopeless etc. I still get that feeling on occasion, but overwhelmingly it's changed my life for the better. Even just with my wife, she has a lot of experience with autistic people and it's helped me ease up on my expectations for myself and trust her when she tells me I don't need to feel bad about something (especially things I can't tolerate doing that she doesn't mind, or me feeling like I'm being "difficult" by being things a certain way).

It's improved my life for sure, but I still have a hard time with the way autism is discussed by other people. It's clear that people don't understand & that even within my own community (as in radfems) it's often viewed in a demeaning and infantilizing way. I've seen women straight up say autistic people of any level of functioning can't consent, which is... so ignorant and absurd it shouldn't be as hurtful as it is.

Idk if this helps you any, but for me it helped for sure. It should've happened as a kid - it was really obvious in hindsight and I was even in "socialization programs" (unsuccessful since i could not be made to care at that age) - but it did help to put all that in context definitively. And it's never too late to work on good coping mechanisms fr

[spark1edog]

here’s my syscourse code

👍/💛/📗, 📘/🔸/🟢, 🔵/🌗, 🌘/🟩/🌳/🌦/🥖/🐊/🐝/🐬, 🐟

expansion/explanation under the cut

1 - do you believe in endogenic plurality: 👍

I do! I don't really see why I shouldn't, and before anyone says "because systems are osddid!" I just gotta say, yes some of us are triggered by the possibility of endos/being Endo/"having made it up". That doesn't mean we don't want others to be able to do their thing in peace.

2 - opinion on tulpas: 💛 (term bad concept fine)

I don't know where I stand on whether it's Cultural Appropriation because I simply don't know enough about it, and don't really care to go and research it, but everything I've heard in reference to it *not* being cultural appropriation is. :/ questionable, I just don't really care to know the answers to those questions. Do whatever, I don't have the power to tell you not to use a word, but thoughtform/created headmate/etc is right there. I don't know why people feel so strongly about the word "tulpa" in particular, but im not the person whos hurt by it.

3 - do you think endos just don't remember their trauma?: 📗 I think a lot of them don't, 📘 people sometimes misunderstand their identity and it doesn't necessarily mean that they're not remembering or that everyone is misunderstanding.

I think there's an interesting phenomenon especially with labels like neurogenic that misinterpret what trauma is and how "much" is necessary to form the groundwork for splits and dissociation. I've also noticed the attitude from some people that they just don't want to be perceived or label themselves as traumatized and I think that's... Tentatively valid, but ultimately unhelpful for them. I respect their right to identify their system however they want, though, and there are a lot of things about the traumatized/traumagenic communities that can be upsetting and cause the denial that I see a lot from (some) endos.

4 - opinion on shared spaces: 🔸: Shared spaces are good but there should also be specific spaces for disordered, traumagenic, endogenic, etc spaces.

I think this is pretty self explanatory, but it kind of irks me in a weird way when people say "plural community" and mean "everyone with a cdd AND endogenic systems" like. The "plural community" exists, sure, but when people insinuate that people who don't consider themselves plural are causing strife in the Plural Community..... ?? I just don't get it

5 - do you think endogenic plurality is comparable to transX: 🟢 Not unless the person themselves considers their plurality transX, 🔵 No, and I'm against transplural

If you consider yourself "transplural," whatever but I hate you

6 - did/osdd/udd without trauma?: 🌗 If/when I'm given proof 🌘 No, but a DID/OSDD/UDD system can form endogenic created headmates.

1. -genic should only be for the origin of the whole system imo 2. I'm open to the possibility of being proven wrong but I have yet to be

7 - Do you think introjects from other cultures should be able to use that culture's names: 🟩 no

I'm white so I don't really get to speak on this but I don't agree with it, idk how I feel about people being "given permission" either, unless it's like Private.

8 - researched self diagnosis?: 🌳 If the person has done extensive research it's okay

9 - sysmed as a term: 🌦 against it

I don't care whether it's transphobic or not actually I just want people to use it properly and perhaps actually listen to one another instead of name calling, on BOTH sides.

10 - traumascum as a term: 🥖 it's harmful

do I really need to explain why calling traumatized people scum for wanting a place for traumatized people is harmful...?

11 - endos using the term "system": 🐊 supportive

whatever

12 - endos using the term "alter": 🐝 I think they should use other terms

alter is clinical language, and unless they're traumaendo or something it just doesn't make sense to me why they want to use the term alter in the first place?

13 - xeno-origins?: 🐬 I don't understand their purpose, 🐟 against it

it's not a gender, also re: earlier, individual headmate origins do Not matter imo and most of them just describe how a system works, not it's "origin"

[jensensitive]

This weekend was really my first back in fandom in a few months, and I haven’t been on Tumblr or Twitter in the past day, just discord, but as someone who's always loved cockles and shipped cockles, but always questioned certain things about cockles, in the sickest turn of events possible, this wildcard move unfortunately has filled in many blanks and has made me more sure of cockles than ever. Not in a good way, not in a positive way, but in a "oh, I get it now, the world we live in is a bleak, cruel nightmare huh" kind of way. If you get that, you get that, ig.

These men also think they don't have ADHD. I guess I could leave it at that really. No one was surprised by Misha saying he was bi for a reason. That reason didn't up and disappear, we knew then, we know now, just like half of us knew Jensen and Misha had ADHD before they said they were diagnosed as kids. Tell me to go fuck off, but this is my honest perspective, as someone who has had a bit of fandom break. Everyone was fine yesterday with saying Jensen and Misha have ADHD even though Jensen implied he doesn't actually think he has it, and someone's sexuality isn't any more personal than a medical diagnosis. Maybe we’re all shitbags for that idk, but if you feel badly for not believing him, or questioning yourself or your own eyes, please forgive yourself, it's all I ask. If you for realisies think he's the straightest straight to ever straight and still like him after [gestures broadly at the past thirteen years] then cool beans, have fun with that ig lol. For me, I’m feeling a certain peace in getting things a bit better, in seeing things a bit clearer, feeling a general sadness, and also still hoping things are just sad and not completely tragic.

[dadsbongos]

Greetings! I got this idea for danganronpa AU where Nagito is like ghost "living" (or haunting idk-) his old house and the reader moves into that house and they slowly became closer and yk<3

hi i love this concept :)

Request for: Nagito Komaeda Warnings: nagito’s backstory, slight religious overtones, we breach minor ghost-fucker territory (but no actual ghost-fucking), no-killing game au also ~~~

The house itself was rather nice. Nothing too luxurious for who the previous owner was aside from the obnoxiously fancy chandelier hanging in the den.

The realtor was hesitant to explain that the reason it was selling so comically cheap was, in fact, due to the belief of a ghost. Not just any, however. It was the previous owner’s ghost.

People who even stepped into the house could feel his chilling touch. Hear quiet, shaky whispers in the night. The fireplace would crackle and burst to life at strange times with nobody near it. Visitors and almost-buyers alike would thrust their warnings to stay away upon anybody who so much as looked at the home.

But that didn’t matter much - a house was a house and it’s not like the ghost was malicious from description. Just… annoying. Perhaps a little eerie, but again, not harmful. Everybody escaped without physical injury. So, why not buy it?

Maybe the ghost just needed a friend? Death was probably a lonely time.

Bought on Tuesday. Moved in Wednesday. Finished unpacking… still pending.

It’s not like (Y/n) had anybody to impress anyways. She’d made the move for a fresh start; new faces, new stories.

The bumps began on Friday.

Sometimes they were taps. Sometimes crashes followed by the gentle rapping against the walls, as if to apologize for the loud noise.

She’d stayed through the month, undeterred by any of the ghosts’ activities.

Then the happenings seemed a little more… intimate.

A photo slowly sliding out from beneath the fridge, at first.

Three people in frame. From left to right, there was a figure with shoulder-length pink hair and a smile to make the heavens jealous - then white hair to rival a cloud-marshmallow love child, skin sickly pale and body wastingly thin - finally, brown hair with an ahoge sticking out like an antenna and posture that almost made him taller than the one in the middle. Well, not really, but attempting counted, right? 

“Which one’s you?” she asked the air, whether she was too tired, or simply didn’t care enough, to be embarrassed was irrelevant. 

A single droplet of water, from a leak she didn’t know existed until this very moment, fell from the ceiling before splotching over the face of the one in the middle.

“White hair, heavy eye bags?”

There was no response, but she took it as a yes anyway. What a pretty, pretty face. In a tragic way.

Because he did look rather ill. Frail build and purple hues under his eyes. Pretty but suffering - it made her feel bad. Of course, she already knew he was dead, but even so - suffering should always inspire empathy rather than romance.

And again, he was dead, so the likelihood of a romance between them anyway was slim to none. None. Unless she suddenly dropped dead, there would be no sweet kisses in the morning or gentle hugs from behind as one of them makes dinner. Maybe when she died, he’d be available for a ghostly date while the house gets put back on the market.

(Y/n) chuckled at the sudden thought of lightning cracking into her home, despite the sunny weather, and striking her dead where she stood. Ridiculous, but God liked ridiculous things.

The sudden thought hit her - what if that old photo was old old? Maybe he was eighty when he died and she just subconsciously signed herself up for a date with an elderly ghost?

Shaking her head, (Y/n) scolded herself for the thought. She’d already be dead by then, it wouldn’t matter what age he was...

Then, it was the scribbling on spare papers. Always specifically spares. Double copies she had put in recycling. Scraps. Even on the backs of paper-esque trash. It was an oddly considerate move for a ghost, though to be fair, she’d never met a ghost before and couldn’t tell if it was out-of-place or not for them.

The words always appeared when she was out of the room. Leaving to grab something and coming back to find the out-dated schedule for work out of recycling and on her desk with crayon sprawled over it. 

Hi 

Eloquently said, in her opinion.

“Hi?” she looked around the room, “Can you not talk? I thought people said they heard whispers…”

A bang in the other room drew her out. When there was nothing out of place, she returned to her desk only to be met with more words.

I’m Nagito Komaeda :)

“Dodging the question, huh?”

The process repeated. Bang. Nothing out of the ordinary. Return. New words.

Sorry :(

“Don’t apologize,” (Y/n) shrugged off before moving to her computer, “I’m just gonna look you up.”

A series of bangs - now that she truly listened, it sounded like a fist pounding to the drywall - resonated through the home. She did not get up nor did she pause her actions of Googling the man known as Nagito Komaeda. 

Until a piece of paper flew in from the open door.

Bad idea

“Probably, yeah,” she huffed, moving back to her computer.

Nagito Komaeda, born April 28th, first popped up as the sole survivor in an old plane hijacking report. Both parents, all plane staff, and the hijackers left dead after the plane crash caused by a meteor strike. Then he came up as a survivor of an old serial kidnapper/killer. Then as a boy who’d inherited the entirety of his parents’ fortune and won a large sum from a lottery ticket he’d found in the trash bag he was stuffed in by his kidnapper. Then as a Hope’s Peak graduate under the title Ultimate Lucky Student.

Finally, as a 25-year-old man who’d miraculously survived ten years post-diagnosis with frontotemporal dementia and advanced lymphoma before his death.

“Holy shit,” she nearly choked on her own shock, “You weren’t boring, that’s for sure.”

Another paper, this time written in marker as if he could sense that she didn’t wish to get up. Another strangely considerate move.

Thanks 

You’re not creeped out?

“I mean, it’s more sad than creepy,” her eyes scanned over a single line in the article once again.

“Nagito Komaeda, after all his fortunes and misfortunes alike, died at age 25, after ten years of illness, surrounded by friends who took the place of family. Out of respect, no interviews were conducted, but anybody, anyone at all even from a quick glance, could tell - Nagito Komaeda will surely be missed.” 

Her eyes watered slightly as she clicked out of the Togami Publications, laughing at the pure awkwardness of her situation, “Oh my God, that’s really fucking sad. I’m sorry your life sucked.”

Another paper.

It’s fine

I was just wasting space anyway :)

“No, you were- “ she gestured to her computer screen before covering her eyes in shame of her tears, “You meant so much to your friends.”

She expected memorial posts, maybe not as many as there were, but she saw them coming. What she didn’t see coming, however, was that each and every one would be dearly heartfelt - not a single one was disingenuous or vague in the slightest. She also didn’t see herself crying by the end of her little search.

But there she was.

Something light floated into her lap. A tissue.

“Oh my fucking God,” (Y/n) choked up again, picking up the tissue with a small smile, “Stop, you’re a ghost, you’re supposed to be scary and making me leave, not helping me dry my tears…”

Another paper atop the slowly growing pile.

Was that a ghostphobic remark?

“Oh, I’m keeping that one,” she stood, sniffling as she wiped away her tears, and picked up the last paper, nodding to herself as she muttered, “Yep. This one’s going on the wall.”

~~

Nagito stopped whispering because people ran when he did. His voice was always hideous, he didn’t to be reminded. Besides, (Y/n) seemed to prefer the paper method - she hung up her favorites along the walls of her office and if a visitor teased her about it she would ignore them. It was admirable, how their grins and giggles rolled off her back like water droplets over a duck.

He wished he could be like that.

Could have been.

He still had trouble with that.

Has.

Nagito looks up from his spot at the kitchen table where (Y/n) was cooking for herself. She seemed so at-peace in this house, and he’s glad for that. He never liked living alone and everyone else seemed to hate having him there. Not that he blamed them much.

Even so, he much prefers (Y/n) over any past guest as his living counterpart of the house.

She even leaves chairs open for him at the table; he smiles widely at the thought, patting his thighs and kicking out his legs in his seat- just like now!

She’d pulled out the chair upon entering the kitchen before calling out for him that she’d be cooking. She even knew he liked watching her cook!

It was selfish of him to crave so much attention, but in the end, Nagito was already dead so… did it really matter when he indulged in his wants more than he should?

Divine punishment isn’t real and he likes being around her, so why should he bother hiding himself away in the attic?

(Y/n) moved around the house with little to no liveliness, it made him chuckle. Her shoulders drooped and footsteps heavy, it was fun. To feel like he wasn’t alone.

He hoped she felt the same. That he was a friend… or, undead companion?

He hoped she would stay and not move out.

He hoped they could be real friends one day… if it’s not too much to ask, that once she dies, she’ll meet him. The real him. 

That would be heaven.

[angel-tries-to-write]

Lucky Ones 2

Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan Rating: Explicit Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Hanji Zoë Word count: 1751 Genre: angst, smut

Erwin Smith is fucking died and Levi peepee go in Hange hooha. That's it, that's the story.

A/N: the perfect summary by my favorite writing god/dess (I'm sorry, I don't know gender neutral form. Deity? Idk) @sordidbones

But for now it was time to relax. They both were tired, hurt and dirty, so when they calmed down, Levi took Hanji to the bathroom. It was empty and quiet, unlike it used to be. With the amount of people that was left, there was a very low probability that someone would randomly walk in. So they could take a bath in peace, which Levi quickly took care of, filling the bathtub with hot water. Hanji was completely numb, they didn’t even have the strength to cry anymore, just stood there and let Levi do the job.

He gently removed their glasses first, then untied their hair and took off their uniform with ODM straps. He removed his own clothes next, not really caring if they were breaking the rules or not. Compared to what happened in the past few hours, it was hard to imagine any punishment worse than this. Finally, seeing his actions, Hanji moved, very slowly, as if their hands were suddenly heavy. They unbuttoned their shirt, got rid of their pants and underwear and stepped into the bathtub, where they sat with closed eyes, trying to relax. Levi stripped down naked and joined them, following their idea.

After a moment of silence, when the hot water reduced most of the tension in their muscles, it became difficult to stay awake. Only after he relaxed, Levi felt how exhausted he was. He had to focus on something to not fall asleep, so he very carefully removed their bandage. The injured eye looked absolutely terrible, raw and swollen, still sensitive, with dried blood all over it. According to the doctors, the eyeball was also damaged, though not as much as the eyelid, but for further diagnosis they had to wait until the swelling reduced. Levi gently caressed Hanji’s cheek and pulled them close. They didn’t protest, letting him turn them around, lean them back and carefully wash their hair and face, extremely delicate around the wound. He was the only person they could trust with that process, through all the time they didn’t even flinch once, completely accepting everything he was doing.

When he finished, they turned around, slowly and uncertainly, then looked at him with hesitation. He didn’t notice it at first, focused on washing his own hair instead. Only when he finished and brushed his wet hair back, he noticed them staring.

“What?” he asked softly.

“I just… Nevermind. That’s stupid” they looked away. Levi reached his hand and placed it on their cheek. It fit perfectly, he was left handed and their right cheek was uninjured, so he didn’t have to worry he would accidentally cause them pain. Almost as if they were made for each other. He gently cupped their face, encouraging them to look him in the eyes.

“Tell me, Hanji” he asked softly.

“I just… would like to kiss you” they whispered. Levi gasped lightly, looking at his best friend. Not that he disliked this idea, but it was very risky to break the rules. Even if Hanji was the one in charge since Erwin… He shook his head, trying to not think about his fallen friend.

“We shouldn’t, but…” he sighed. “I think it might help both of us” he said, leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Hanji’s lips. They pushed him back, but didn’t break the kiss, they deepened it, then moved forward and placed themself on his lap, straddling him as comfortably as it was possible.

“I want you, Levi” they whispered, caressing his chest and slowly moving their hand lower, under water. “Make me forget all of that. Make me forget we’ve lost Erwin, Moblit, and so many others. Make me stop blaming myself for their deaths. I don’t care it's against the rules, I don’t care we’ll be punished if caught. I just need you to make me feel better. Please, Levi” they begged. He always had a hard time saying no to them, he couldn’t refuse this time. Especially since he wanted them as much as they wanted him.

“Do you think it can help? Will we be able to stop blaming ourselves for what happened and for the choices we made?” he asked with hope, kissing their neck.

“I really hope so.”

“Let’s try then” he agreed, pulling them even closer and caressing their strong thighs under water. He kissed them again and moaned into their lips, feeling their hand on his cock.

Hanji wasn’t his first partner, but those stupid fraternization rules (which half of Survey Corps ignored, he was almost sure of it) made him not have sex in many years. No wonder he felt awkward again, even though he knew it was just Hanji. Nothing to worry about, they were very accepting. And they were on top, so they took the lead. He could just sit back and observe, and he had a lot to look at. Being a soldier made Hanji build strong muscles which were flexing with every movement, making his arousal rise higher. He was around them so often, that he almost forgot how incredibly sexy and gorgeous they could be. He slid his fingers towards their entrance and slipped them inside, satisfied at the gasp Hanji made. He bit down his own moans when they kept stroking his erected penis, which was of quite impressive size. They didn’t comment on it though, too focused on their own pleasure when Levi was fingering them. After a while they pushed his hand away and kissed him, sliding onto his cock at the same time. They both moaned, tightening their embraces, as if they tried to melt together in one body. Hanji started to move and it felt really good, but not good enough to chase the pain away. Levi tried his best to focus on Hanji, on their soft skin, their sweet moans, their hot and tight vagina wrapped around his cock. But no matter how hard he tried, it wasn’t working. Nothing could distract him from negative thoughts. Apparently Hanji felt the same way, because they soon stopped moving and slipped off his dick.

“I’m sorry, Levi. It’s pointless. It doesn’t help” they said and leaned their forehead on his shoulder.

“Don’t be sorry. I was going to say the same thing. It’s not working” he answered, kissing their right shoulder. They had a scar there, made by Kenny and his minions. Levi still couldn’t forgive his uncle that the person he loved was hurt.

“I shouldn’t have asked you for this” they whispered, trying to move away, but he held them firmly.

“We tried and it didn’t work. It happens. But please, let’s stay like this for a while. Maybe we don’t need sex, maybe we just need closeness” he suggested and Hanji didn’t protest. It made sense what he said. Suddenly Levi felt something warm and liquid on his shoulder, but before he could ask, Hanji let out a sob and he knew.

“I’m sorry. I feel like a mess and a disaster. All of this…” they choked out. “I should have died, not Moblit. He shouldn’t have saved me.”

“Hanji, you don’t even know how grateful I am that it’s you, who survived. Moblit dedicated his life to protecting you. Sometimes I even thought it was his life mission. Imagine how devastated he would be if he failed. If you died instead. Hanji, maybe that’s selfish of me, but I’d rather have you alive than anyone else. So please, stop blaming yourself.”

“Will you stop?” they asked and he didn’t reply at first. “Levi, will you ever stop feeling guilty for not preventing your squad’s deaths? Will you stop blaming yourself for Erwin?” they pulled away to look him in the eyes. A trickle of blood was running down their cheek like a crimson tear, the fresh wound on their eye reopened.

“You’re bleeding” he pointed out.

“Don’t avoid my question” they chided, wiping their cheek with irritation. Levi sighed, knowing he had to answer.

“No. You’re right. I just can’t act as if it wasn’t my fault, because that’s not how I feel. No matter how hard I try to forget, or even find a reasonable cause, I still feel like we betrayed him. Like I betrayed him. And therefore you” he admitted.

“Me? Why me?” they asked with surprise, they didn’t expect that.

“You never wanted to become a commander. By deciding to let Erwin die, I made you take his place with no chance to decide if you are ready, or a possibility to avoid it if not. It’s kind of a betrayal.”

“No, don’t think about it this way. We knew what we were getting into the moment we joined Survey Corps. We all were fully aware of what risks we had to take. We all were willing to give our lives for humanity.”

“And that’s what Moblit did. But Erwin is a different story.”

“Moblit is a different story as well.”

“Look, Hanji, I know it’s hard for you. It’s hard for me as well. But I know we can’t do it forever. We need to move on as fast as we can, there’s no time to mourn the dead forever. We have to focus on those who are alive, because blaming ourselves is pointless. What happened, happened anyway, and we can't change that. We have to keep telling that to ourselves.”

Hanji processed his words for a moment, before they nodded.

“Someone has to continue the job and keep up fighting. We survived. Looks like we are the lucky ones” they said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“And we have to live with all the consequences” he agreed, wiping their blood. “Let’s go and get some sleep, shall we? That’s something we’re going to need.”

“You’re right” they softly pulled away. “Levi, what happened at the beginning…”

“Not every sex is perfect, okay? And not every sex is happy. This one… we were both unable to have any pleasure from it. You love biology, I thought you know the basic stuff.”

“I do. I just thought you might feel bad about it.”

“I don’t.”

“Good.”

They finished the bath and Levi carefully placed a fresh bandage on their wounded eye. They dressed in silence, then went to bed, still not caring about any rules. They were just happy and grateful to have each other. They were so tired after the battle, crying and feeling  guilty for everything. They deserved a little break, the end of the world could wait.

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[lost-in-the-spectrum]

Additional disorders and conditions with Autism

Hello Folks,

 there I am with a new post about the Autism-Spectrum-Disorder. This time with a special post including experiences by other  too.

Today I’ll talk with you about the several different diseases people with the Autism-Spectrum-Disorder have to deal with in addition. And as in every other post of me this post is all about each single person who told me about these things. Not every autistic person got the same following additonal diseases, yet there are many of them having the same disease in common. I’m not talking about one or two people having disorders etc. besides their Autism. I am talking about srsly at least 10 people who told me and confirmed that they suffer because of following conditions too. And after talking with these people about it for a longer time I figured out that autistic people usually suffer of other diseases because of their, in general, special condition. Let’s start the topic so that you know what I mean.

 1st Depressions: Autistic people often suffer because of depressions. It is a disease which appears srsly often, not only with autistic people but also with people without an Autism diagnosis.

Autistic people (A-typical, Aspergers, Kanners, Highfunctional etc.) often become depressive because of their “different being” and “odd behavior” which seems strange to other people and makes Autists feel incredibly bad and lonely. Especially at school, in childhood or as a teenager, people who hardly know a thing about Autism find autistic people odd and do hesitate to get to know them as well as people with Autism got issues with even getting in contact with their class-mates, even tho they’re the same age. All I personally learned is that children and teenagers can be rude sometimes. These young people are seeking for a group to belong to, for friendships and contacts or a membership in a certain group so that children or teenagers (without knowing the consequences for their behavior) tend to bully people who seem different than others. This is unfortunately because the influence of other kids at school seems stronger sometimes than the own social moral. So people who are different, like autistic people, often get bullied or at least  by their class-mates which causes Depressions pretty easily. I am one of these bully victims too. So I know that this is the sad truth.

 2nd Borderline: By watching people with autism you can probably tell that having autism, having this different kind of view about life, is kinda similar to a borderline disorder. Autistic people tend to get a so-called ‘melt-down’ (an extrem kind of overload and mental break down) which makes them often hurt themselves (self-harm). Hitting and biting themselves is for example what happens the most when these people are having a mental break down. Also most autistic people do only have either a black or white “sight”, things are either very bad or very good. There is hardly something in between. In addition people with autism are getting angry and stressed much more often than other people, which is also one of the symptomes for Borderline. Talking to other affected these people also confirmed to have a borderline diagnosis in addition because their behavior and symptomes do not always appear with Aspergers (o.e.). Yet many of them do have it: Asking in a post in a facebookgroup I had about 30 replies, 10 of them told about their borderline disorder. I’ve probably got it too but I have no official diagnosis.

 3rd Mutism: Probably you’ve heard about it. It is a condition which makes people mute. They do not talk to anybody and sometimes they don’t talk at all. In some cases these people talk to only special people with a special meaning in their lifes but most of the time people with Mutism suffer from not being able to talk at all. That doesn’t mean that they are literally mute. These people just can’t say a thing and struggle with letting a single sound out, even tho they know they could and even tho they’d really like to.

 4th Marfan Syndrome: “a genetic disorder that affects the connective tissue.[1] Those with the condition tend to be tall and thin, with long arms, legs, fingers, and toes.[1] They also typically have overly-flexible joints and scoliosis.[1] The most serious complications involve the heart and aorta, with an increased risk of mitral valve prolapse and aortic aneurysm.[1][5] The lungs, eyes, bones, and the covering of the spinal cord are also commonly affected.[1] The severity of the symptoms of MFS is variable.[1] “ (source: Wikipedia) I needed to copy and paste the definition of this disorder because I have NEVER EVER heard of it before!

 5th Irritable bowel syndrome: A widespread condition involving recurrent abdominal pain and diarrhea or constipation, often associated with stress, depression, anxiety, or previous intestinal infection. As I have already told you on the top autistic people tend to depressions and anxiety. In other posts I also told you that these people tend to get stressed pretty easily and also often which is the reason why those people suffer of horrbile pain in their stomach. I have also read in the internet that medicals once examined feces by different people who suffered from these issues and many of these people had an Autism diagnosis. Also I do often suffer of horrible pain and long sit ins on the toilet, really often in combination with hard sweating and feeling sick most of the time. I have thought that I might have an intolerance to lactose or else for a quite long time... until I had days without any kind of stress and I had no sort of pain during these moments of peace.

 6th High sensitivity: As I have already mentioned people with Autism are mostly high sensitive. They smell, hear and feel things much more extreme than other people which is why they often need sun glasses ot noise-canceling-headphones to survive and make the day. Not every autistic person is that sensitive tho. Some are even good at dealing with these stimulations. Yet it is a disorder or disease most of these people suffer from.

 7th Giftedness: You might think “Wait a minute, what is so bad in being gifted and super smart?” Well, a lot. Have you ever felt so unchallenged that it almost makes you depressive? Have you ever made experiences with people who are jealous on your gift and hating you for only that so that they tend to bully you? Have you ever felt upset and also depressive because you know what exactly is going wrong in the world while other people hardly think of it and focus on other things you can’t focus on because they literally bore you to hell? Have you ever had problems with finding a perfect job because even the most interesting and difficult job seems to easy for you? And have you ever felt lonely not (only) because you are different but also because there are hardly people you could talk with about tricky things and every normal conversation freaks you out because you find it dumb?

Those are conditions I know and heard of, there are much more for sure. Idk what you think but I think it is incredible to see what kind of conditions other conditions can bring. Maybe you recognize yourselves in this, if so: Let me know, as always!

[neo-shitty]

reading drown made me remember how much music personally means to me. i used to have a hard time sleeping back in 6th grade to the point that it badly affected my studies bc for some reason im wide awake at night, felt tired but still fully awake which made me unable to focus in school. so of course i researched what i can do since i didnt want to tell my parents (nasa google kaya lahat 😌) long story short, try listening to music daw 😭 so i did bUT since listening to music wasnt really my hobby, i didnt know what type i should start off and at that time, kpop just recently became big LMAO it was like around 2017 i think. so i liSTENED TO EXO since it was the group that i have been hearing around school AHAHAHAHA the song was baby, dont cry btw. it worked surprisingly, music does calm one's nerves. i didnt understand the lyrics ofc but just by the melody, it made everything around me peaceful. whenever i feel anxious, sad, or stressed, music is the way to go :"> SO EON STORY KO PANO AKO NAGING KPOP FAN 😭😭😭 parinig aq ng iyo po 🙇

pero ofc there were times when it was pointless. there were times na listening to music just made everything worse, it would just be another noise that would frustrate me more. kAYA ANG NEED DITO IS ANO TALAGA U KNOW OO ung pwede mong sandalan hahahaha kaso wala ako non :"> so while reading napapa "sige chan ahhaha sana ol sige sana ol may y/n ng buhay nila hahaha" pero real talk, it would be nice to have someone you can share all your worries with without feeling guilty of wasting their time kaya stray kids hopefully you wont be afraid to love someone freely 😌

uy pati nakakaqiqil si jae dito >:( pero no, bias ko pa den siya sa day6 <3 and the scene where chan was guiding reader along while she was riding his skateboard is so cute huhu ,,, lia is the mc in checkmate, correct?

para akong ewan kc you posted this 11 pm right? i always like reading/watching while lying down sO humiga ako kaso pagkahiga ko, inaantok ako agad :"> enjoying something while youre at your most comfortable position feels so ✨heavenly✨ but it makes me too comfy that it drowns me in sleepiness. like i need to sleep muna bago ako maka focus 100% sa ginagawa ko lmao eh since end of the day eon, pagod aq :"< SMALL RANT LNGS KC BIGLA KO NAPANSIN KAGABI HAHAHAHAHA actually pati this afternoon, manonood sana ako hometown chachacha kaso pagkabagsak ko, tulog. kaya tinuloy ko na lang after an hour of sleep huhu

speaking of hometown, im on ep 10 and its the first ep where seungmin's ost was showcased ! im really excited marinig siya later pag finish ko nung ep na eon. BY THIS TIME EP 12 KA NA NOH?? HOPEFULLY EHE EHE and yes justice para sa mga nababastos >:( daming cases here in our school last f2f tbh. ewan like kadalasan, based on my experience, sinisisi nila sa pananamit ng mga babae 👁️👄👁️ i watched a video/show wherein a boy got caught sexualizing ung kaklase niyang girl tas he defended himself by saying na ang ikli ng skirt ni ate girl but thats literally their uniform , scary honestly

pati ify sa ipis, idk why but im more scared sa ipis than mga daga kc naman ang ipis parang gagamba, bigla biglaan na lang mawawala :"> AH SO UN NGA DI AKO NAKAPUYAT AHHAHAHAHAHAHAH PERO WANT KO NA ULE 😭 anong oras ka natulog?

i just realized then, almost all my feedbacks (?) rants abt your works, may included back story ko HAHAHAH like sa obliviate, harry potter kemene. sa on the ride home, yung untog series q. tas dito sa drown -> ^^^ syempre sa checkmate di ako relate kc di pa naman aq pumapanaw Y^Y

btw how was your day? pag gising ko sa umaga dumeretso aq proj, sipag i2. advance happy eating for dinner !

HAPPY CHANNN DAYYY ,, ayos na daw kurtina nila di ko pa nakikita pero inayos daw ni chan 😌👌

- 👻

glad i came home to a whole ass diary entry today omg owo

6TH GRADE HELP ISNT THAT LIKE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE AMNESIA ;n; hala baka magfalse diagnosis ka sa gogol ha, tell your parents next time kung may ano. oh yeah, mas better talaga kung di mo naiintindihan yung lyrics? bc you don't have to think of the lyrics too. music stopped working as a lullaby for me when quarantine started so i resorted to yt vids. but i still go for music whenever my self-esteem is low. noise music really boosts it *u* exo-l ka pa ba now? or you didn't stan? sinu-sino nga pala stinastan mo omg?

dude my story started in g2 when i heard fire by 2ne1 on the MIT top 20 of myx. i was quite a casual kpop fan up until late g10 when i started memorizing members (which i didn't do bc i was really just in it for the music not the groups).

HAJSHJAH truly tho it's nice to have someone around :'( namimiss ko na rin yung time na may 'y/n' ako but it's been so long that i'm fine on my own na HAJHAJ JAE IS MY BIAS TOO BUT ANTAGONIZING HIM WAS FUN. t'was bc of this vid (around the 28:18 to 29:20 mark; literally the inspo for the whole fic). yep, lia's checkmate's mc! the part abt guiding sa skateboard happened to me irl HIHIH #kilig #reminiscing kakamiss f2f

yeah at 11pm. i think i posted it too late bc it's not doing too well notes wise but whatever, it's chan day. HAHAH glad you slept easily though! MY BIGGEST SANA ALL. i slept at 3 na kanina bc i was either too hot or too cold.

how long is the kdrama? also i'm really proud of seungmin for scoring that ost :'( go get it, vocal king. NAUR I DIDNT GET TO FINISH THE ANIME BC I WENT AND WATCHED BSD KDJSKLJ i'll try and finish it tonight (bc i was out the whole day + i might be writing later) i fucking hate men. icb i'm at the point where i'm torn abt having a bf bc i kinda want a man but they're disgusting as hell???? it's hard to find the good ones nowadays.

mga ipis kasi feeling butterfly jsdhjfh at least yung daga aware ka kung asan ;n; IM SCARED OF SPIDERS TOO JDSKFJ wag ka magpuyat l8r kasi monday pero eh depends pa rin sau

oo nga pansin ko din yung back stories but they're interesting to read naman so i don't mind !! SANA DI KA TALAGA MAKARELATE SA CHECKMATE JUSQ do not claim the negative energy from that fic

we went to my mom's office earlier bc she wasn't feeling great and she couldn't come home yet kasi nakabubble siya doon. we just go thome tapos yown diretso answer sa ask HAHAH magtstsaa palang aq mamaya pa ata dinner namin mga 7 pero yeah advance happy eating din sayo!

AND YES HAPPY CHAN DAY <333 lol narealize ko lang both my ults had sunday birthdays this year o.O and OO HAJSHJAH i watched the chan's vlog last night (partly the reason why napuyat ako) and inayos niya yung curtain sa bandang huli <//3 can't tease them anymore HMP

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #332

i’m even more tired than before to try and think up song lyrics, i’m pasting from Word and then fucking off to bed lmao.

What was the last video message you received on your phone? I think it was a clip of Doris (Sara's beardie) eating and just being her perfect self? Was your last birthday cake homemade or store bought? Store-bought. One thing you miss about middle school? Shit, nothing. Middle school was the worst. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. Would you ever pierce yourself? No. I am very much about having a professional do your body mods/art. Plus, I have tremors in my hands. Do you live in a safe neighbourhood? Supposedly. We haven't lived here nearly long enough to know. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? /shrug Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Only always. Have you ever been for a ride in the back of a truck? Yeah. Do you like your license photo? I hate my permit picture. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favorite? Not very, but I like 'em enough. I always say my favorite is Deadpool, but I know he's technically an anti-hero, but whatever. If you don't include him, uhhhh... maybe Spiderman. Have you started watching any new TV shows recently? No. Have you ever been able pet a normally wild animal, like a tiger or dolphin? No. :( At least, not to my recollection. Have you ever eaten snow? Yeah. There's actually a winter treat 'round here that you make with snow and sugar called snow cream. Good stuff. What is the messiest area in your home? Right now, the spare room/my wanna-be "office." What’s your favorite computer game genre? Still horror, like video games. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you received financial help from your parents in the past 5 years? I'm completely financially dependent on them still. Are you a fast or a slow eater? I eat like, stupid fast, but without being messy. People *cough*Mom*cough* will absolutely point it out, but I seriously can't help it. Making a conscious effort to eat slow feels way too weird. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Is there anyone in your family/household whom you frequently argue with? No. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? Ew, no. Tell me what's on your mind? I've been considering yet again reaching out to some tattoo parlors and asking if they're open to hiring someone to handle the front desk and take care of business besides actually performing piercing and tattooing, given my tremors. My group therapy has kinda been encouraging me to use the possibility for social exposure, and besides, I'm very comfortable in the environment and just general aura of tat parlors. I'm sure I'd have to answer the phone, handle money, and obviously talk to costumers, but I know and accept that. I've been at such a stagnant point with my social anxiety in particular that I have to start pushing back harder, and doing this I feel would be one of the most relaxed, social job positions I can hopefully handle. I don't dare to even try this though until I get vaccinated to protect my immunocompromised mom. Writing this all out has actually been pretty encouraging about this idea... Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? Yeah, Tyler. It was such a "I'm lonely and he was nice in high school, so we'll try it" situation. I got nothing from it. Are you scared of growing old alone? Pretty badly. What are you listening to right now? I'm listening to/semi-watching John Wolfe play the remaster of Resident Evil 2. What breed was the last dog you saw? He was a German shepherd. Would you ever go swimming during a thunderstorm? No. Any time a thunderstorm was brewing and I was in the pool, I'd always get out. What is the next concert you will attend? Mom and I plan to see Ozzy when/if he reschedules his tour after he had to cancel with his Parkinson's diagnosis. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy. :/ What's the highest science class you have taken? I don't know, actually. What makes you squeal like a school girl? No shame, seeing Mark and Amy do something cute together actually does this, lmao. What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) Do fictional ones count? Because in that case, the Halo of the Sun from the Silent Hill franchise. I'm getting it tattooed somewhere at some point, I'm thinking the left side of my neck. I'm either gonna fashion it in a way where it looks branded on or carved into me. Have you ever been on anti depressants? For all of my pre-teen, teen, and some of my adult life. Apparently, I've only had one truly educated psychiatrist out of no less than a dozen I'd seen, because he fixed me right up. He taught me that those who suffer from bipolarity should avoid anti-depressants; they ramp up your bipolar symptoms. Instead, mood stabilizers are favorable. And what do you know, after I was prescribed a stabilizer and a catalyst for that medication, my depression decreased dramatically and became handleable. Have you ever starved yourself? Kinda. What’s the stupidest name you’ve ever given a pet? I had a guinea pig named Harry Potter. For no particular reason lmao. I'm not even a Harry Potter fan. Do you have nice legs? God no. Do you like fedoras? Okay so I know I am in the strong minority, but I actually do, haha. What is your favorite food group? Carbs. @_@ Have you ever got told that you should be a model? No, but one of the most flattering indirect compliments I've ever gotten was being mistaken for one. Jason's phone wallpaper was one of my favorite pictures of myself with my first snake, and someone asked him if I was a model. ;v;' What song is in a language you don’t speak, but you love it anyway? "Donaukinder" by Rammstein is one of my faves. Who’s a villain you sympathize with and why? SOBS Darkiplier bc his origins are so damn tragic and unfair. What book do you think should be directed as a film? Was The Giver ever made into one? I don't remember that book well, but I do recall it being absolutely beautiful. Have you ever found a stranger’s note somewhere? If so, what did it say? No. Have you ever edited Wikipedia? No. Have you ever edited any other wiki? Yeah. I have thousands on the Silent Hill wiki, where I'm one of the admins. I'm also a content moderator at the Team Ico (Shadow of the Colossus devs) one. Every now and again I used to go on the meerkats wiki as well, where I mainly fixed the fucking nightmarish grammar. Very briefly, I edited at the Dragons of Atlantis wiki as well. Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? Not very, but of course I still acknowledge the risk and am more conscious of hand washing and stuff. What popular social media platforms AREN’T you on? Snapchat, I don't actually use my Twitter, I don't have a personal Instagram... There may be more, idk. Is TikTok a "social media platform?" Because I don't have that, either. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? Never had one, given I was afraid of dolls as a kid. What’s your favorite Paramore song? "Decode." Would you be happy with a life without romance? To be entirely honest, I'd feel like I was missing something. Was your childhood happy? Mostly. What fundamentally matters do you? Love, kindness, peace, all that gooey stuff. Is true world peace ever possible? As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think so. The human population is far too big to come to a unanimous agreement on anything. Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? Yeah. Would you ever own a pet black widow spider? No. I'm getting more into the idea of owning invertebrates (I jabber enough about wanting tarantulas, and there are others, like mantises, I'm interested in as pets), but black widows, I'm not into the idea of having. Too venomous for me to be comfortable risking. If you have a job, what is the longest shift that you've worked? N/A Do you know all of the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody?" FUCK YES I DO. ^ Do you sing it with all of the different voices? sho nuff Do you own more than one copy of a certain book? No. Do you like interpreting poetry or just reading it for fun? Both. I love symbolism, so I get joy out of digging for subtle meanings in poems. Do you have a favorite Dr. Suess book? Yeah, it was always Green Eggs and Ham. Do you watch The Walking Dead? If so, favorite character? Not the show, but I've watched let's plays of the games, haha. In which case Clementine is inarguably one of the best female characters in a video game universe. Who has/had the most mature romantic relationship you’ve seen with your own eyes? Uhhh. I mean I never saw them much, but probably my late grandmother and her last husband. He was fucking incredible to her, and Grammy adored him as well. They helped each other so much and just obviously had the purest love between them. When was the last time you got something for free (legally)? What was it & have you enjoyed it so far? Lmao do balls in Pokemon GO count? Their occasional free boxes are the reason I can play the game because PokeStops are essentially non-existent here, so yes. What is the one fruit you can’t stand to eat? How about vegetable? The first one that came to me were oranges. I enjoy orange juice, but I just caaaaannot with the white veiny shit that you can't totally get off when peeling it. Without that, I might actually enjoy them, but idk. As for vegetable, asparagus is absolutely abhorrent. When’s the last time you actually recited the pledge? If you aren’t American, do/did you have anything similar in your country that you do during a time at school? Probably not since high school. Last person you shared food with? Ummm I have no idea. It's really just Mom and me here and we eat our own stuff. What was the last song you heard for the first time and enjoyed? I believe it waaas... "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson, maybe. If your life was a TV show, what would be the theme song? My inner high school emo just screamed "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R. Who are some of your favorite female fictional characters, and why? Gahdamn, there's a lot. I don't feel like going through a mental list in my head and then describing why. A character (in anything) you wish hadn’t been killed off? Vol'jin; I think the entire WoW fanbase will forever be pissed about it. It was THE most "lul we dunno what 2 do w/ him anymore, let's let a totally random, unnamed, unimportant demon kill him" like what the fuck, Blizz. Most of his "oomph" was in the book, and I just really wish they'd done so much more with him in the game. Has anything “cute” happened in the past week? Off the top of me noggin, no. When did you last say “I love you”? Did you mean it? Yesterday to Sara. OF course I did. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Hi, PTSD, how are ya. Have you ever slept all day? Essentially. When I was on a larger dose of my anxiety med, I physically couldn't stay up for barely even five minutes, and when I'd lie back down, boom, I was OUT. I stayed on that dosage for I think just that one day, it was so bad. Can you have kids? Well, I have a functioning menstrual cycle, so I would assume so. Doesn't mean I will, though. What colors of mascara have you worn on your lashes? Only black. Do you like eating sour things? Hell yeah, I love sour stuff, candy in particular. Do you like pickles? fuuuuck yeah Did you ever have a really close friend move away? Yeah, in elementary school. I feel bad I can't remember her name at the moment... What's the most creative thing you've ever done? I mean, I guess the things I've written in RP. What's the most creative thing someone has done for you? For me? I don't really know. Do you like to watch ghost-hunting shows? Sure, they're some of my favorites. What’s something you’d like to be better at? Social interaction. Have you ever stayed up to talk to someone who was sad? Yeah. Do you think you would make a good parent? No. I know I wouldn't. The only time I ever wanted kids was with Jason, and honestly, I really hope I don't end up with a man because I never want to deal with that urge again and make a mistake. I'm just in no way emotionally fit to be a mother. How many best friends do you have? Just one. What do you cry over the most? My PTSD, honestly. I never sob about it anymore, just shed some tears. What language did/do you take in high school? Latin for one semester, then all four available for German. Which sports do you follow? None. Who was the last person you talked about marriage or having kids with? About marriage, Sara. Kids, the subject was lightly touched upon with Girt, though "with" was never a part of it, but obviously implied seeing as we were dating with long-term in mind. Have you ever been in a house fire? No, thankfully. Have you ever made out for one straight hour? them is rookie numbers Are you any good at remembering phone numbers? No. I literally don't even know my own, nor my mother's. I need to fix that. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Girt. Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? No. If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Save it to go towards Venus' terrarium. Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? Well of course! I'm unashamed to watch any "kids" movie I enjoy, like Disney ones. Most "kids" movies tend to be better than those intended for adults, it seems... Are you afraid of mice? Oh no, I adore mice and I think had a pair as pets before I got rats. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I can't really answer this; I haven't gone on nearly enough vacations to develop a theme. I can say confidently though it'd probably be something small. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't enjoy musicals. Have you ever watched Doctor Who? One or two with Sara, yes. I know we at least watched the weeping angels episode. If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Warriors by S.E. Hinton. Sometimes I wanna get back into them, but I am YEARS behind and more into Wings of Fire anyway, so. I don't read nearly enough for both. How do you get rid of your hiccups? Literally no trick seems to work for me. I just suffer lmao.

[lizzytheauthor]

Why not, right? Might as well just post it chapter by chapter. I might need to figure out how to like...archive all of them in one post or...maybe I could just do a page or something on the blog? Idk. I’ll figure it out later. Here’s the first chapter

Chapter 1

Yellow. Blinded by yellow. I feel wind? When did I get outside? I feel...peaceful.

I blink my eyes, and suddenly I’m laying in my bed. I look at the clock, 8am. On the dot. I look over and see a still vacant bed. I don’t remember going to sleep last night, but I...I don’t think I saw this Pete person. Maybe he’s not in yet, maybe he’s arriving later. I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to be doing. My “treatment” is at 9. Which is in an hour. I can only assume that the treatment in question is some kind of hypnosis. I don’t believe it personally. People going under and acting strangely? Nonsense. They insist that after three or four treatments I’ll be cured? Impossible.

I can’t have been sitting there for more than 5 minutes, thinking about what to do with my time. But a quick glance at my clock read 8:50am. I swear it hasn’t been 50 minutes, yet the clock betrays me. Maybe I’m just zoning out. I’ll have to mention it to the doc-

Knock. Knock.

8:59. Hm.

I go over to the door, and open it to see one of the large men from the front. He just grunts, and I assume that means I follow him. His pace seems a lot slower, probably due to his hulking mass. It allows me to look at everything around me with more detail. The doors predictably all look the same, the halls are a bland beige with a dark blue line at about doorknob height. Occasionally there’s a potted plant at a corner, or alcove. It all reeks of hospital. I don’t like it, nor do I trust it. I especially don’t trust the time. I’ve heard of time blindness, but...surely it’s not this bad?

We round a corner, and start climbing some stairs. Strangely, it does feel like I know where I’m going? Maybe it’s just cause I’m following a large man who clearly does know. These steps feel a little more daunting. I get a sense of apprehension about just climbing them. Like...Well. It sounds silly. I feel like the stairs go on forever? It doesn’t, I mean, I can see the top. It’s right there. But it feels like it.

This thought made me turn around. I felt like I had climbed at least a dozen or so steps, and sure enough the landing is simply 6 or 7 steps down. I don’t know how to parse this information. I think it’s better to ignore it for now.

The hulking man never said a word, didn’t notice anything strange I guess. We did reach the top, after an agonizing amount of time, impossible for me to trust my own sense of time. The top of the stairs was dark. As we reached it, the light came on overhead. All I could see is an endless expanse of darkened halls. I suppose they’re motion sensors, and I’m the first treatment of the day. Maybe.

A split second, I could’ve sworn I could….hear something. I’m not sure what. Maybe it’s just the hum of the lights as they slowly gain heat from being on?

We pass door, after door, after door. It seems endless, monotonous, boring. Finally, after probably the longest walk down like 3 halls and some stairs, of my life. The large man stops, and gestures to a door.

I open it, and walk through, cause I can’t exactly tell that kind of man no, ya know? Inside the door, is a small room, there’s a single chair, under a light fixture, it’s somewhat reminiscent of a dentists office. But with less actual equipment. The door is closed behind me, and I decide to sit in the chair, cause I’m sure as hell not gonna stand. And I wait.

I wait. I wait. I wait. There’s no clock in here, so I don’t know how much time passes. If you pressed a gun to my head and asked me to tell you how much, I’d say 3 hours. Finally, the doorknob turned, and in came a doctor. A woman, early thirties probably. Long black hair, pulled into a ponytail. She’s wearing a white lab coat, and has small rectangular glasses, which she adjusted as she entered.

“Hello, uh” she looks at her clipboard, which I didn’t notice her holding previously. “Ralph. That’s a nice name.” she gives a smile, this one feels genuine. More sincere some how.

“Yea...uh...Hi?” I let out, I try not to stammer my words, I don’t even know why it’s hard for me to talk.

Her smile maintains, almost alleviating my previous concerns. Almost.

“My name is Cera. Cera O’Hara.” she extends her arm, to give me a handshake.

I think that’s what’s throwing me off, she’s the first person that seems..well...like a person. A genuine, sincere one. I take her hand, and shake it.

“Uh, can I. Hm.” I pause, maybe this is a weird question. “What time is it?”

“Oh!” she pulls out a pocket watch, it seems basic at a glance. As I stare at it, I notice there is an almost beautiful intricate etching in it. “It’s 9:15. Right, sorry about the lateness, I overslept on accident.” She puts away the pocket watch. “So, this first session isn’t going to be all that exciting. I just need to perform a basic analysis of your mental state, so I know how to properly proceed with treatment.” she lets out a light chuckle, “Not that I don’t trust the state’s doctors, but ‘C-PTSD’ is hardly a comprehensive diagnosis. It doesn’t even state causative traumas, attempted treatments, possible co-morbid diagnoses, et cetera.”

I nod my head as though I understand, but this is all way over my head. Honestly, it’s a little boring, and I almost feel as though I could fall asleep to her voice.

“So, let’s begin!” she says, with a clap.

Then, suddenly. I’m in my room. I...How did I get here? I don’t...quite remember…

A look at the clock above my door, it says it’s only 10:30...the sun is out, so it’s still morning. I remember in those ghost stories, that digital stuff is always unreliable, and old stuff works better. I focus my hearing, and I feel like with the silence of the building I can hear the motor in the clock, along with the Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Not digital. I breathe a sigh, but I don’t know if it’s from relief or...hm. Wait. No, there’s no apprehension. If I see Cera I’ll have to thank her...I’m sure this is probably her doing. It’s been...a while since I felt no tension in my shoulders.

I look at the calendar, and see there’s nothing on the schedule. Or rather, it’s more accurate to say that the only things on the calendar are treatment times. So I guess I have free access? I feel hungry, so I guess breakfast is as good as anything to start my day with. I hear it’s the most important meal of the day.

I chuckle at my dumb thought.

I begin to leave the room, and bump into him. I would not have expected pete to look like this, but I mean, he’s entering the room, so surely it’s him. He has curly red hair, glasses that seem more like binoculars on his eyes, and he’s so skinny, and short.

“Oh, uh, hi!” I try to let out, as I step aside letting him in.

He doesn’t respond immediately, instead goes to his bed and sits down. It takes a moment of agonizing silence, before he finally looks up, and notices me.

“Hello!!” he waves with this with a surprising cheerfulness, like I suddenly snapped him back into reality. “My name is Pete, are you just arriving?”

I nod, “uh, erm. No, I” I point to my bed, expecting it to be messy as I don’t remember making it. But… “Ah, well..uh, no. I came yesterday, I think.”

He looks mildly confused, but shrugs it off, “So you’ve had your first treatment then?”

“I...I think? I don’t remember. I remember the lady saying we weren’t doing anything today, but then I-”

“-’Woke up’ in your bed?” he finishes for me. “It happens.” he shrugs.

“So, that’s normal then?”

Pete thinks for a moment, “Uh, normal isn’t normal here. You’ll see, I think.” he takes out a drawing pad, and a pencil, and he starts drawing.

Not wanting to disturb my new roommate, I check the clock. 10:35. I could swear that it was longer than 5 minutes, but I suppose my sense of time is just shot. Oh! Breakfast, right. I’m hungry. My legs moved on their own, and I began to walk through the halls, I felt like I was on the second floor still, but a window I passed by betrayed me. I was on the first floor. I don’t recall any stairs. Maybe I was zoning out way harder than I thought. Finally I made it to the cafeteria.

“Hey ralph!” the jovial man handing food out addressed me, “You’re a little early for lunch, unless you want a second breakfast?” He waits for my response.

“Uh, wait, second? I never had a first.”

Brian winks at me, “Oh, I see, well here, how about some pancakes?” he seems to be sharing a one sided inside joke that I do not get.

“Sure, that sounds great!” the enthusiasm that erupts out of me surprises me.

The enthusiasm puts a thought into my mind that maybe this isn’t such nonsense. Brian puts a couple pancakes on my plate, and I walk to the table. I think about all the creepy stuff, but maybe it’s not actually creepy. Maybe it’s strange, yea, but I mean, if this fixes me, then why not? I feel better already, I think. And that was just after one treatment, which I was told wasn’t even anything.

My eyes feel kinda heavy. I should eat a little bit, for energy. I think.

With a blink, I’m transported away. A field of wheat. I notice immediately, that I’m alone, and the wheat seems endless. There’s no house, no building of any kind, no trees, nothing. Just endless wheat. I notice second, that I’m not scared. It actually feels peaceful.

I felt compelled to start walking, feeling the wind on my face, the wheat against my hands. I can almost hear voices carried by the wind, but no. I can’t make anything out. Honestly, it feels nice to just not be fearful. Stressed. I must be dreaming, right? I can’t quite wake up. Or rather, I can’t feel my sleeping body. I guess. It’s not another nightmare, yet, so I’ll just enjoy this. I’m sure it’s not unusual for a 19 year old to pass out in a cafeteria.

I walk endlessly, it feels like forever, and I know I can certainly not trust dream time. I can’t even trust my real time, so there’s no point really. I just walked. A building begins to blur into focus, in the distance. I decide to go towards it, I have nothing else to do. The building doesn’t seem to get any closer. Hours upon hours I walk towards it.

I think for a moment, that this actually IS another nightmare, but that’s not the feeling I feel. I still feel that serene grace. That quiet peace. Just walking. Maybe it’s the wind, maybe it’s the sun on my face. I don’t know. I continue walking. This seems...Fami-

CLAP.

I’m ripped out of my dream. I don’t recognize the room I’m in, but it’s not a bedroom. I try and take in my surroundings, but everything seems fuzzy. Like, like trying to imagine your childhood room, by someone who is describing it through old pictures that are worn. You can almost tell where you are, but not quite.

“Hey, come back to me.” a girls voice. No, woman. Older for sure. Not terribly old.

I try to look at the voice, but it’s so hard to focus. Why can’t I focus?

“Feel your senses returning to you, become aware of your surroundings. It’s not terribly difficult. I do apologize for the abruptness, but this is the first time you’ve been alone.” as she says this, things start coming into focus. Slowly.

The woman in the room with me, has long brown hair. Her face feels gentle, even though it’s still slightly fuzzy.

“My name is Valerie. But please don’t call me that. Call me Val.” her attitude seems different. Normal? Well, not normal for this place. But, like, normal for outside.

I become acutely aware of the room. We’re in a gym or something. There’s weights, and exercise machines. We’re the only two in the room, and it’s much bigger than I thought it was at first.

All I can mutter is, “What?”

“Come on, surely you realize what’s happening?” she waits, and I just stand there. Clearly irritated, she continues, “Hypnosis? I mean really, you’re in a hypnosis institute. Did you think it’d be therapy and gumdrops for your stay?”

She goes to the door, and checks both ways out the halls.

“Hypnosis?” I ask. I still struggle to find my thoughts.

“Ugh, yes.” she hands me a watch, “Don’t let them see this. Try to not lose time.”

I check the watch, it’s digital. 3:39pm. I lost 5 hours.

“No, no no. This has to be wrong. It was only 10 something a second ago.” I protest, but she waves her hand dismissing it.

“Missing time means they’re stealing it.” she glances out again. “Hey, go to reception, and ask for a journal. They hand them out to everyone that asks. Keep track of...well. Keep track of anything that feels important.”

“What?” but it’s no use, she’s out the door and down the hall.

I guess...I guess I’m going to go to reception and get a journal. I step out of the gym, and try to get a feel for where I am. I honestly don’t know. I see some people who look like people who work here, and decide to approach them. After all, I haven’t done anything wrong, there’s no reason for me to fear these people. Right?

“Hey, I think I’m lost.” I start, “I was eating lunch, and then all of a sudden I was in that gym.”

Which isn’t entirely the truth, but also not a lie. Surely they’d understand.

“You’re not lost.” one of them says.

I take a step back, I...what?

“What? No, I...” but then it hits me. I do know where I am. No, wait. I don’t. I swear I don’t. But my feet are already moving. Whatever panic might have started building is swiftly replaced with a calm. I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this.

I just, try and convince my feet I want to go to the receptionist. I pass some people dressed in clothes similar to mine, they don’t acknowledge my existence. I notice they seem happy, it feels genuine. Maybe. I doubt it. I continue walking down the light beige halls, with it’s green line at doorknob height. It seems off, but I can’t quite place my finger on it.

After a handful of minutes, I arrive at the receptionist desk. I see Miranda, typing at her computer. The computer looks like an old 90’s era computer. Not what I expected in this new age institute. At any rate, Miranda notices my presence.

“Oh! Ralph! Hello! Can I help you with anything?” her cheerful attitude is still overwhelming.

“Uh, y-yea. Can I have a journal? I want...I want to write my thoughts down.” I don’t quite know what I’m going to write, but…

“Oh, pesky thoughts. Always getting in the way, I think. Maybe writing them down will rid you of them!” she smiles at me, I don’t fully get her meaning, but that sounded threatening. She reaches under her desk and pulls out an all black notebook. It looks leather? I take it. “Off you go now, it’s almost time for bed!”

I look at the clock on the wall above her. 7:40. I glance to the front doors, to confirm that it is indeed night already. How did I lose…

“Uh, oh. Ok. Yea.” I turn and go back down the hall. I feel Miranda burning a hole in my back with her stare.

After I’m well out of Miranda’s gaze, I take the watch out of my pocket. 4:39pm. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I look around the halls, and there’s no windows. I look at one of the plaques, and see I’ve already made it to my room. I...this is strange. I don’t understand. I shouldn’t, I mean. Once again I feel the panic start to build, and it swiftly gets crushed. Nothing. Calm? No, that’s not quite it.

I walk in, and see out the window, the sun is out. It’s not right. Nothing is right. I’m not. I don’t think I’m crazy. Am I?

“Hey dude, I’m about to go get some dinner.” Pete was still drawing on his bed. I don’t know if he’s moved at all from that spot, though he is laying down instead of sitting now. He looks at me, “Whoa, hey, you ok? You’re sweating.” he sits up, and grabs a remote to turn the ceiling fan on.

Did we always have one? I don’t remember.

Am I sweating? I must be, my clothes feel damp.

“Uh, I think I’m gonna lay down...Could, you..” I pause. I don’t know what to say. How do you explain this? Maybe he knows. “Do you lose time?”

He looks at me, concerned, “Yea. I do. Hey, let me grab some food for you, just lay down, take it easy.”

He walks off. I decide to write this in my journal. Maybe taking note of things will help me retain my sanity. I hope it does. I keep the watch next to my journal as I write, I really don’t want to ‘lose’ any more time. They don’t deserve it, it’s mine.

After writing how I felt, the time loss, the way this building seems to claim my sanity. I just lay there. I feel exceptionally exhausted, yet somehow still relaxed. Is this intentional? Is this fixing me? To be fair, I haven’t thought about my parents. I feel frustrated. Again, the feeling gets squished by a larger pacificati….that’s it. Pacification. That’s what I’m feeling.

Last time I looked at the watch it said 7:06pm. A little early, but my body needs the rest. Wait, wasn’t Pete going to bring me dinner?

I hope he’s ok. I can’t help but feel myself drift off to sleep at this thought. Yellow. Again, that blinding yellow.

[lemonaderaid]

hufflepuff-rave, abuse, and the missing husband thing: from her ex friend’s point of view

this is about whole “abusive wife”/”missing husband” situation, and what i know about mel (dillon’s abuser and wife) through being her close friend for 5+ years. it’s a long post, so there’s your warning.

here’s another ample content warning for abuse, misgendering, gaslighting, and general...drama? i guess? here we go kiddos!

after this post, particularly with this reblog went pretty viral both on here and on facebook recently, i figured it was my time to step up along with my friend, @jackstoney , and personally come out in support of all of the abuse accusations that have been made against mel, as i was one of her closest friends for 5+ years.

as jack did in his post, i’m simply going to be referring to her as “mel” because i would prefer that she NOT get stalked, harassed, doxxed, etc. as i said, i used to be her friend, and thus i still do have some regard for her and her mom’s personal safety and privacy despite the fact that they’re bad people.

to make my stance on dillon himself quite clear from the outset, i was always fed really varying information about him from mel herself. as exhibited by her blog, if you go and search “dillon” and scroll back a bit far, you’ll see that she has wildly varying, black and white perspectives about him. that’s how it was when we talked, and that’s how she is about seemingly everyone; particularly her ex boyfriends. if you search “brayden” or “jackson” on her blog, you’ll get pretty similar posts. the point is that i don’t know what’s true or false about dillon’s life and personality, i just know the information she’s told me or that i’ve seen on her facebook or tumblr. as i said, we were friends for 5 years, and i knew her before she ever met dillon.

as jack explains pretty sufficiently in his post, which i linked above, mel has a very obsessive, very clingy and overbearing personality, and a high probability of mental illness associated with the drastic lengths she’ll go to to keep someone trapped in really any kind of relationship with her. THIS IS NOT INHERENTLY A BAD THING. i’m not a professional, and i won’t make an armchair diagnosis based on what i know about her, but i will say that she’s never mentioned to me anything about trying to improve and work beyond her numerous issues. (unlike how she is presently trying to pin a schizophrenia diagnosis on dillon after only speaking on the phone to a doctor herself, ONCE.)

i felt this way when i was friends with her, very much so. this sideblog of hers, particularly these three posts (1 , 2 , 3) are about me, and the fact that, while we were friends, i decided to do matching icons with my still-current boyfriend on facebook. this happened on a couple of occasions because we found neat looking icons and, since we were, yknow, partners, we figured it’d be cool to match for a couple weeks. as you can see by the posts i linked, mel didn’t like this. at all

here’s another sideblog of hers that she made for dillon to post about her...let’s just call it unhealthy obsession, as shown pretty well by this particular tag. WARNING: some very nsfw stuff is on here

here are a few texts i have from her to me talking about how, despite having NEVER ONCE spoken to my boyfriend and actively refusing to talk to him even though i said i’d like them to meet, she’s extremely “possessive” of me

little unimportant note: she refers to herself as kyle and me as stan because she was really into south park, and she saw those two characters as having a similar relationship to ours

coming from a person who has bpd (me), this all, to me, rings very familiar and relatable bells in my head. keep in mind i’m not accusing her of having it, but coming from someone who is very overprotective of their friends and datemate(s) (frank and i are poly), this all sounds like the reasoning my brain tries to do with itself when anyone befriends a person who gives me “bad vibes”. the thing is that i don’t actively silence my friends or whoever from talking about a person that makes them happy just because of the fact i don’t know them. this is something she NEVER tried to avoid doing. she was always upfront with me about how much frank unnerved her, despite never meeting them and ignoring their attempts to try and assure her that they weren’t trying to take me away.

the following screenshots are about the decision jack made to break up with her shortly after he’d gone back to california to try and look for a job (his post has more necessary context, but the idea is that he was basically trying to make more efforts to get his life to be stable and not go completely broke, and needed to break up with her seeing as her clinginess made him incredibly worn out).

unfortunately, i don’t have that message i sent to the group chat anymore, and i’m afraid i don’t remember what i said, but i know it was a pretty long message about how her coping methods to get over jack (i.e.; getting back with dillon) wasn’t actually helping her and i could see her mental state going to shit

now would also probably be a good time to mention some of the other things she’s done, but i don’t deem to be as relevant to this particular situation such as purposefully misgendering me (using the wrong pronouns, calling me her “sister”, making and getting me heavily gendered gifts she knew i was uncomfortable with), and frequently trying to make people stop talking about their interests and focus on ONLY hers instead, at all times. i do have screenshots of one particular instance of this, but this post is long enough and i feel that those complaints about her character would detract from the main point

long story short, as i’m sure you all are confidently aware at this point, mel is a horrible, manipulative, abusive, and toxic person and SHOULD be avoided at all costs. though I myself am concerned for dillon’s safety at the moment, as no one’s really quite sure where he is, I think that ultimately he would’ve been more unsafe if he stayed with her, judging by these screenshots of his brother’s comment on mel’s facebook post:

EDIT: i forgot to blur out his brother’s name when i originally posted this, and an anon pointed out to me that i probably should, so i did! please respect dillon’s family’s privacy!

i’m very happy that dillon chose to try and run and escape. i’m concerned for his safety right now but i hope he turns up soon, safe and sound, and away from mel forever.

i’d like to personally apologize to dillon, if he ever ends up reading this post somehow, for being extremely judgmental and distrustful of him because of the information mel was feeding me. i don’t know how much of it is true or untrue, but despite everything, i hope you find peace wherever you choose to go. i’m happy you got out. i’m proud of you, i’m proud of jack, i’m proud of myself, and i’m proud of anyone who chooses to break away from an abuser to start over. it’s hard, but you can fucking do it.

if you ever see this, please feel free to get in touch with me if you need help. i’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot, if you even knew very much about my existence to begin with; but i sincerely hope you’re doing alright now. -bre

oh yeah, and to mel,

fuck you.

in closing, i’m gonna leave you with the final message i sent to mel to cut off our friendship, cuz i feel like it might end up helping someone going through a hard time with their abuser? idk, but i can always hope. here it is

[deadrosencrantz]

doctor who actually making the 19 year old companions act like 19 year olds has been an extremely good move. as a current 19 year old in the U.K., i feel like i'm at least a decent judge of this?

i mostly wanna talk about ryan because i think he's more the type of person I am, yaz also feels real to me but i guess i'll leave that to someone else

so! things about ryan that make me believe he's a dorky loser of my age despite tosin cole being a Real grown-up

he makes vlogs nobody watches

re-friends yaz, gently bullies her ("you just went way down in my opinion, he was punching above his weight")

WHERES THE RELOAD WHEREDS THE RELOAD AAAAAAAAAAA

(but negative points for making him reference call of duty when any REAL 19 year old boy would have referenced halo, ffs the weapons looked straight out of the covenant armoury)

(i assume he was simplifying himself for the benefit of graham who is only capable of remembering 1 (one) video game)

"did you just accidentally pay me a compliment?" "................whatever"

quiet frustration with a baby boomer for trying to force a connection, obvious differences in the way they communicate driving a wedge between them

uses social media and the internet and cares about his phone and nobody around him is a bitch about it because of course he does (i mention this because there's so much TV out there that can't resist taking a cheap shot at "tech-obsessed" youths whenever possible)

emotionally affected by tragedy, desire to respect the dead ("he knew he could die but he still did it anyway" about rahul in e1). that felt like an appeal to milennial/gen z sensibilities imo, like of course compassion is not exclusive to my generation but i feel like there's a lot of young people like me really craving the kind of like, acknowledgement of the human costs of things? i think this is kind of related to

ryan being like, not Socially Conscious, but having absorbed enough life to be Socially Conscious? like big mood, is there anything more late-teens than having some great social and moral ideas but not being exactly sure how to apply them or of relevant historical contexts

he wants fairness but isn't always conscious of how the world works ("tell me you don't get hassle")

also a special shout out for ryan not remembering who rosa parks was but it's not because he's totally ignorant, he just got confused on the details and did still have a good basis of knowledge on the civil rights movement, i love that we aren't going for absolutes

well thought out deadpan humour in front of others ("good, cause i don't eat them"), dorky talking to himself when alone. ("nice one ryan! THANKS RYAN!")

relationship-guruing total strangers (kerblam!) and the specific way he tells graham to shut up when he mentions ryan's similar issue

he doesn't mind when people are different! that's a big deal for the kind of teen i think ryan is being written as, which is to say, not a douchebag. he's grown up knowing human diversity and i think he's felt isolated enough he doesn't ever want to judge others? he accepts flirting from a gay man without being a lil bitch about it (i hate that i have to specify that as a positive but ykno toxic masculinity) and a man giving birth essentially without issue.

idk i just think it's nice that ryan seems to be written for open-minded nerdy kids and young people, and as a good role model of acceptance?

(semi related: i want ryan to be gay or bi more and more with every passing ep but he's likeable as a Woke Straight too)

doesn't hate his disability but has some level of frustration with it that imo is portrayed with enough nuance even in its brief appearances? and because diagnosis is easier these days i think that's a big thing for my gen, having a name for your problem for most of your life and being mostly at peace with it but like, god whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

"SILLY" PLANS THAT WORK!! being playfully judgemental of ppl for not knowing music, hello arachnids in the u.k.

what was it he said, "you have no idea how uncool you sound right now"? that was A+

his sometimes slightly awkward way of speaking, like, speaks to me, as a 19 year old with a developmental disability, and the balance of growing up/finding your feet with being different to your peers

he's used to graham being kind of mean about his dyspraxia but doesn't even really make a big deal of it bc old people just be like that ig

willing to admit mistakes but not to be teased for them by adults (woman who fell to earth, ghost monument, rosa, kerblam)

i know a lot of this is kind of projecty but like, that's what's so good about it!! ryan is close enough to me and my peers that it's possible to read him as one of us!! which is not true of a lot of media youth rep!

i CAN project onto ryan, more easily than with any other character in media

and i didn't know how much i needed that until chibz like, descended upon this show with divine providence

to be clear i'm not saying those traits are exclusive to my generation, just that i see a lot of our generalised attitude to life in ryan and that makes me happy. i see a lot of my life!! shit boi!! also i'm on the bus to uni and very tired so sorry if like literally none of this made sense, tbh this post barely even has a thesis i just wanted to write things i like about ryan

[mental-health-advice]

i don’t know how to deal with my mind. my dad left 6 years ago now and i still have so many goddam issues bc of it. esp recently tho idk why. like i keep just thinking that everyone Will Abandon Me and that i am Not Worth It and that is should save people the trouble and just make them realise how awful i am to be around. i mean how can they like me if even my dad didn’t. i don’t know how to deal with the impulse to self sabotage. i want to give in but i’m also so afraid of them leaving like him

Hi lovely,

Thank you for reaching out to us here at MHA. I am sorry that you experienced your father leaving and that this has caused you to struggle with some negative thoughts and feelings. It is completely normal and valid for you to be feeling like, but you don’t deserve to be struggling like this! I hope I’ll be able to help you in some way.

A parent leaving you can be a really traumatic event, particularly when it means your unconscious needs of emotional care aren’t met fully. What we want to look at is trying to break those thought patterns that are telling you that everyone else is going to abandon you, and that it is your fault that your father left. This can be a really tough process but it is possible; I promise that there are people who love you unconditionally and that will never leave you, and I can also promise that you are not awful and there is nothing wrong with you!

I do think the best option for you right now is to speak to a professional, such as your doctor or a therapist. They will be able to help with a diagnosis, if applicable, and will start treatment with you. They will also help you to begin understanding what is causing these feelings, or lack of, and hopefully give you some coping mechanisms which you can apply to your daily life. Even if there is no diagnosis necessary, sometimes venting can really help to clear your mind. I know reaching out for help can be really scary, but you deserve all of the help available to you, lovely. Here is a link to our page about getting help. Professionals are there to help you in any way they can, they won’t judge you and they will most definitely understand that mental illness can affect anyone, anytime. I also think, if you can, talking it through with those close to you (family or friends) who know what happened, could be of some use to you - talking about how it has made you feel and the wider impact it has had on your life with others can show you that you aren’t alone in feeling like this, and also those people are likely to offer you support and love which is important in helping us feel worthy and happy.

Writing about your day and taking the time to reflect on the things you have done can be a great way to help you recognise the good impact you are having in peoples lives, in turn improving your own self worth and happiness. Something I also encourage is every day, when you write in your journal, is to finish the following sentences:

1) Today I accomplished…2) I felt proud because…3) I felt good about myself when…

I know it can sound a little silly but many of us forget to give ourselves credit for the little things we do each day, and it can be really beneficial to take the time to acknowledge them when we are trying to improve happiness. Another little thing you can try is getting your friends and family to help you to write a list of all the reasons that they love you and that you are a good person; keep the list, make it pretty, and look at it everyday to remind yourself that you have so much worth and goodness in you!

Self-care is really important for you right now. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself; fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and at peace. For example, I take the two hours before I go to sleep and try it fill that time with things like art and music, I’ll also take the time to have a bath, wash my hair, look after my skin, etc. Practising self-care also involves things like making sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying hydrated. Sometimes a little thing like that which helps you you feel on the outside, can switch things a little so you feel better inside too!

I hope this has shed a little light on some things for you, lovely. Feel free to get back in touch if there’s more that we can do to help! Please take care,

Rhiann xo