#but i was confused why they didnt seem to have a family keep

[icarusredwings]

*gives warm soup, bread, jerky, and a canteen of fresh cold water* I enjoy when people tag me for the SOLE purpose of wanting my opinion on things. It's why I became the #Board of Headcanons to begin with. Anyway time to read it now.

OH MY GOD IM CRYING

This is so true and he must have hurt SO much. He must have hurt way more then he ever knew how to describe, he must have sat there and thought how weird he must have been until victor told him it was okay and that he was like him too.

"But why can't they smell it?"

"Eh. Normies can't smell like us. Because were the best!

"Oh, okay."

However, I find it a little odd that Victor was so happy about him killing a human and just ran with that basically. Victor is very human oriented when it comes to hunting (from my perspective) and I feel its either because he simply kills who ever hurts their feelings (both james' and his, as he should) or got bored of rabbits and deers, he got bored of pray animals. And what proves you're the best then killing earths biggest predator? Humans.

Imagine how confused James must have been as a young tween, 14 or 15, nieve but slowly gaining a sense of morals on his own, Victor becoming upset that his brother dosnt trust him but taking care of him none the less, even if angry.

"Come on, It's just like a deer."

"But... they're human..aren't we humans?"

"No! We're better than humans. Besides, tastes like pork."

"I don't know... it seems.. wrong."

"Psh. Fine! Then starve to death."

Only to bring him back some meat later.

"What is it?"

"Just eat it."

How james would sniff it and give victor a look. "Im not hungry..."

How when hes 16 or 17 and Victor and him are butting heads, growling and arguing about what's right, about 'family should stick together!' and 'Not if they just want to hurt innocent people!'

The amount of fights they came away from, fangs and hands bloody but by the end of the night sitting across from each other at the fire in silence. The closest apologies being confessions.

"...I didnt mean to scratch you that hard.."

"...and I didn't mean to get your eye.."

"Heh.. you got me pretty good didn't you? But im still stronger."

"You mean slower? I know."

The banter between these two would go from "Im faster than you" to full out blood fests, panting, heaving, snarling, hairs on their necks standing up, their eyes squint and their heads low. Only to start laughing at how ridiculous one another looks. "You look like you just spilled paint all over ya"

"And you look like your clothes got stuck in a shredder. What's your point?"

It must have been so hard for the both of them to be apart. The only ever person that they could rough house with who they know will always come back.

It's why in 97' Morph turns into Sabertooth and Logan looks so excited in the van to see that Wade can keep up.

Wolverines may be solitary animals, but this one sure isn't. He needs his playmates. At least one.

Food for thought: Logan's puberty must have been really painful and scary and so traumatic. When he grew his claws at 12/13 it was only the beginning of his puberty. And his bones weren't fully grown yet. Meaning his claws weren't either. As an adult his claws are roughly the length of his forearms. And so when he had growth spurts and his forearms grew, so did his claws. His radius and ulna had to drift apart to make place for the claws in-between them that were increasing in length and width. His entire forearm structure was changing, causing him incredible pain. He couldn't see what was going on, but he could feel the agony within, pain hitting him in waves, something inside of him slowly shifting, becoming longer and harder. And then the senses. He could see further than ever before and could smell and hear everything! When people whispered in the same room it was like somebody was hissing it directly into his ears. He didn't understand why people seemed to smell so strongly all of a sudden and why everyone smelled so different from each other. Until he realized that each person had an own personal scent. Oh and the urges! Suddenly he felt the need to chase after living beings, the taste of their fear as they ran away from him, the feeling of grabbing them, their hammering pulse in his ears, his fingers digging into skin, the sound of breaking bones and warm blood spilling into his mouth. He didn't understand any of it but Victor was there. And Victor said it was okay and that he didn't need to be afraid. That he would be stronger and better than the others. And if Victor said it, it must be right. Because big brothers are always right, aren't they?

[stumbling-towards-the-light]

That moment where you just give up and give Nestor Royce's branch of the family a hereditary position as knights of the Bloody Gate because they need to have a family seat to justify the political power you unwittingly gave them while also still letting Nestor treat the Moon Gate as a better seat to obtain so it makes sense why Littlefinger would bribe him with it.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

The fact that Lilia found Silver all alone is curious tbh. Like, did the fairies' magic prevent silver from being moved and everyone was forced to ditch him? Did Heinrich willingly ditch his nephew or didnt want to leave him for whatever reason but had to (tho, considering that he's a jerkwad who sees everyone, even Knight of Dawn, as expendable, he probs thought Silver wasnt worth the hassle)? Where's Silver's mom?

It's actually not that strange that Silver was found alone in the castle! 😅 I do understand that this confusion may arise from there not being a fully detailed fan translation out at the moment, so I'll try to explain why this is. Firstly, let's talk about time frame. Lilia is coming across baby Silver ~17 years ago from present day. The war in which Lilia fought against the Dawn Knight was ~400 years ago. (The only reason Silver still appears young is because the sleeping curse cast on him must have prevented him from aging regularly until he awoke.) That means anyone that would have been alive 400 years ago is most certainly dead and/or wouldn't know of Silver's existence now. A lot of information gets lost to time. Shortly after Wild Rose Castle was seized by Heinrich, another conflict broke out (I believe it was a territorial dispute) which Lilia suspects claimed the lives of Heinrich, the Dawn Knight, and Leah (Silver's mom). So... sadly, they didn't die of natural causes. In fact, the Dawn Knight is confirmed to be dead (from a battle, I presume) in a flashback/memory sequence. The guardian fairies that cast the spell on Silver have dialogue which states the "Land of Swords" (ie where the Dawn Knight and his family hail from) has fallen and that Leah should flee. Again though, she's almost certainly no longer around. With the country now in shambles and their monarchs missing, it's safe to assume that the citizens themselves would be long gone (dead, absorbed into other countries, willingly leaving to search for opportunity elsewhere, etc). This would likely leave Wild Rose Castle abandoned and the surrounding area pretty abandoned.

Lastly (but still an important detail to consider), Lilia says that he senses residual magic coming off the thorns that cover the castle. He theorizes that diurnal fairies could have casted a spell to keep humans away from the area (though it's unclear whether the thorns are a part of the spell or not). Furthermore, Lilia mentions that humans believe the castle to be haunted, so not many try to get near it or to explore inside (which would also be pretty difficult to do for anyone that tried, since the thorns are a hassle to deal with).

Altogether, I think those are some pretty compelling and logical reasons as to why no one else stumbled across Silver before Lilia did. He was just lying there sleeping for 400ish years anyway, he's not really going anywhere by himself 😂 (Silver only seemed to wake up and cry when Lilia entered the castle, which I believe ties back into the condition set to break the curse: when he meets someone who is able to truly love him, it will be lifted and he will awaken.)

[aleksanderscult]

Hello, I started following your blog pretty recently and I agree with most of what you think. I felt so confused when I finished the books and came on tumblr to see everyone hailing malina as the perfect relationship and I was glad to know that I wasn't the only one who disliked him.

I wanted to ask you something, im not sure if I saw this on this blog, but someone said that zoya is an example of toxic feminism in YA fantasy. Which checked out to me, but it also felt that bardugo added misogyny, feminism and toxic feminism in the SaB series.

Misogyny since alina had to face sloot-shaming in every book (almost entirely by Malyen ugh 😒). I felt that she really tried and suceeded to be feminist with genya, since she actually stood up for herself and had many facets to her personality. She also wasn't an important character just because of her beauty or anything super superficial. Genya IS a strong female character, and she wasn't 'broken' by the king, despite the foul things he did.

But zoya.. my god, I really wanted to like her, but I just couldn't. She is mean and hot headed to the point where I really don't see any redeeming factors to her. I always liked 'mean girl character who isnt as shallow as she seems' in fantasy novels, but she didnt exactly have a redemption arc either. If the darkling had warned her about expanding the fold in the first book, she would have fought for him. I think she isnt a strong female character, but just a girl who is a bully and decided to help mc since the antagonist hurt her specifically. She doesnt even think of the other casualties of novokribirsk. I think the 'break nikolais heart, I'll comfort him and make a magnificent queen' part was a joke, but still....

Please excuse my yapping. I haven't read crooked kingdom and nikolais duology, so I don't know if the characters had any developement since then, so please ignore any innacuracies of this text pertaining to that. Do you have any thoughts on this?

(Do you allow emoji annons? If so, can I be 🎀 annon?)

(Of course I do! You can use any emoji you want and ribbons remind me of coquettish things 😍)

Genya in S&B was my favorite version of her. She was traumatised by the King's abuse, that's true. But she wasn't solely that.

(Here's a meta about that version of her that I once did)

She was very brave, vengeful, intelligent, politically aware, had a sense of humor and was kind. There were different aspects to her personality and wasn't solely "the victim" as many fans of the Grishaverse like to portray her. But in Nikolai's duology Bardugo either forgot how to write complex situations within a court or just doesn't know how to (or it doesn't suit her 🙃).

She threw all the blame to the Darkling (as if he was entirely at fault for her sexually abuse), forgot that Grisha were serfs meant to please and serve the royal family (hence why the Darkling gave her to the Queen) and also forgot how it was the Queen who withdrew her protection and allowed her husband to abuse her. Also, a slight amnesia to how Genya herself decided to stay and take revenge. Essentially, the character became Leigh's mouthpiece to remind the reader that the Darkling is a heartless motherfucker that is undeserving of redemption. How banal.

Now about Zoya. Zoya is the typical female character that we encounter in media nowadays. A girlboss that kicks ass, is rude, has no sensitivity and threatens everyone. Again, cliché. But Leigh broke her own in-universe laws when she gave Zoya the protagonist's role.

Meaning:

The narrative with Alina as a protagonist: "You can't have feelings for your enemy!! You can't be independent! You need to depend on your toxic, childhood friend and...what is this? Power?? You took three amplifiers?? WELL SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR POWERS THAT KEEP YOU HEALTHY AND STRONG!!"

The narrative with Zoya as a protagonist: "Take the amplifiers, take the power to turn into a dragon, let's also have a Saint in your head giving you advice and guess?!? You just got promoted into a Queen and soon enough you will marry the love of your life!! Kudos!!"

That's basically what happened.

It would be an amazing end if only:

- Otkazat'sya didn't hate the Grisha's guts.

- Zoya had the qualities of a leader and a Queen instead of being handed the throne on a silver plate from an illegitimate son who failed in his job.

- The author didn't break her own rules just to prove and show how "awesome" her protagonists are.

- The same author didn't copy paste the storyline of Daenerys Targaryen into Zoya's (somehow she needed to appear cool and sympathetic)

- Half of the fandom didn't hate the primary protagonists now than they ever did before.

So basically Leigh infuriated the fandom even more about Alina's fate when she gave Zoya everything.

And about your question if the characters had any development in the later books after the trilogy. I've got some bad news, my friend. 🥲

[anotherfloridaman]

Your orc is ruthless. (Pt2) [pt1 here]

You remind yourself again and again as you run deeper into the forest, knowing the wrong step could lead to you falling and breaking your skull. Or rolling your ankle and getting caught by a predator. Or falling into a hole and-

You’re probably overthinking. But with everything going on, you’re justified. You got kicked out of the home you had for three years, and by the same orc who’d claimed you as his sibling. Its not every day your family just leaves in the middle of the night and you’re left alone. And when a raid on your village occurs, it’s not a raid, but orcs trading what they made for food and herbs they need.

Rico found you after your abusive ex cornered you in an alley. The asshole’s hands around your throat making it hard to breathe but before you saw black-

There was green.

Your face skids across the dirt, tired legs giving out from running for so long. The unknown darkness washing over you coldly. At about this time, you and Rico would’ve been curled up, maybe you’d braid his hair, or step on his back and relieve some of his pain. He has so many places to crack before he can relax. But now you’re blind by the night, listening to the forest sounds as your face turns red, the dirt having cut your skin lightly.

A sob leaves you, and you quickly smash a hand over your face, not wanting to draw predators if they were awake. A spashing noise makes you fear the worst until you see a fish jumping in and out of the stream nearby.

You crawl a bit closer, and use the water to wash your face. Your hands painfully stinging in the water, but not mattering as you realise were you are.

The same river you saved the orc child from. He was playing in a tree overhanging the river. You were collecting berries as Rico was lowly talking to another orc. A small crackle alerted you to the little orc, but the father of the boy was asleep against the rock as the branch snapped. A splash. And nobody was paying attention as he was caught in the branches, panicking.

The water wasnt too deep, but to the kid, it was enough to take him under without a sound of distress. Your small body leaped into the water, and the orcs were confused as they saw you dive in. But as you go under the branch and come back up, their eyes widen when one of their coughing little boys comes out with you.

(You didnt see it, but Rico got a pat on the back, and told ‘good pick, brother’.)

The memory seems so long ago. But nobody is there on the cold night. And you need to keep moving to get to some kind of town.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“RICO!” The blacksmith orc yells in his face, almost snarling as the orc sleeps against the gates.

Rico jolts awake, and he scans around him, muttering about how he ‘did it for the grapes.’

“Where is your human? Why are you out here?” The man questions, flicking his head and looking at the gate. His split lip almost a trademark to who he is.

“Argo. Good morning to you too.” Rico sighs, sitting up uncomfortably “where is the human.” He demands, not up to games. “I need small hands for the handles. They need patterns carved into them and i get mad when i have to restart.” Argo huffs, crossing his arms with a lifted lip. Not liking to admit his own faults in his forge.

“The human isnt coming back.” Rico stands, dusting himself off.

Argo stares at Rico, and shoves him to the side, connecting dots and ripping the gate open as he looks arounf their view of the forest. “What did you do!?” He turns back to the door, running a hand over something. “Argo, what did you do?” He sounds, fearful. A bit confused of what he sees.

Argo finally looks to the door, seeing deep scratches where you had been begging to be let back in, hands banging and scraping on the door in fear of abandonment. In fear of the forest. In fear. In terror.

He did what he had to, right?

[syndicatedsystem]

I love headcanoning like, the backgrounds ?? of characters the most, i think. Like I hc c!schlatt as a jacob sheep.

The sheep are kind of small, and while i dont think c!schlatt is the shortest i definitely dont seem him as taller to other characters (which is part of why he feels a need to be perceived as 'threatening', he doesnt like being seen as small).

They are piebald sheep meaning they can have multicolored wool (brown and white like Schlatts hair. Im apart of the hc that he dyed the white parts brown) and they CAN have multiple sets of horns (up to like, 3, though thats really not that common). Schlatt only has 2 sets, so four horns.

I like to think that sheep (and goat) hybrids hold their horns to a high regard. They take good care of their horns, and feel a sense of shame if a horn breaks/is uneven. Schlatt hates having his horns handled by other people in any regard (but allowed c!Quackity to grab and handle them bc Q was always so so gentle with the horns that Schlatt allowed himself to trust Q. Plus Q would help keep them tidy, while Schlatt helped with Q's wings).

They also decorate their horns with gold and silver. Gifting gold horn jewelry is usually seen as flirting/a sign of closeness, silver usually gifted by family/some friends. Its not a strict code, but c!Techno gifted the gold horn caps I draw on my Schlatt design sometimes and at first, Schlatt was like "Wtf flirting?? Huh????". BUT TECHNO DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT.... piglin culture is different w gold. It was funny once they both figured out the confusion between the two, they laughed abt it.

Wow anyways if i remember more i wll add to the list... ik i have more im just the forgetter

[c0ffee-gh0ul]

TUA S4 SPOILERS!

i finished s4. here are my notes, and some questions (which may have already been answered in the episodes but maybe i wasnt paying enough attention sorry)

- WTF FIVE AND LILA EW

- how come they were all just gonna let lila go and be with her family but like thats diego and allison's kids too!!

- the "perfect timeline" thing at the end was DEFINITELY a metaphor for the afterlife esp bc we saw ppl who died in past seasons like grace and pogo and the handler

- but why was pogo suddenly a human he cant be a monkey in the afterlife? well i guess that was his power and no one has powers in the afterlife

- i really did hate the ending but also i have no clue how else the show couldve ended, bc this entire time its just been "the world is ending, lets just go to a different timeline!" and you cant possibly keep that going forever so it was kinda perfect

- i didnt like klaus's storyline this season at all. he deserved better

- luther was HILARIOUS this season ngl. love his character development

- viktor was the best part of the whole show but he should have just killed reginald when he had the chance (even though he technically wasnt the og reginald but still)

- diego has been thru enough shit bro why did lila and five have to do that to him

- are there still other timelines with worlds ending or did the ogs dying stop all of that? what happened to the other fives after the cleanse?

- i know ben's death was erased from their minds and we finally got to see what happened but didnt s1 nod at something different? correct me if im wrong but i swear they were saving a bank from being robbed and ben went into a different room with glass windows that were glazed over and suddenly we just saw tentacles explode onto the windows. was that the memory that was put into their heads originally?? or did they just have no memory of it at all??

- also what was sy trying to achieve that jean and gene weren't already doing? that really confused me

- why were five and lila so conveniently able to blink into the dept store that ONE time but any other time they wanted to blink they went straight to the subway. seems a little odd and inconsistent

- why so much vomit this season?

- i still dont know where they live bc i thought it was nyc but theres no WAY nyc is 13+ hrs away from maine

- baby shark was already annoying but tua made it 1000x more which i didnt know was possible

- soundtrack this season SUCKED ASS there was barely any music at all and the music they chose was horrible

- i wonder what would've happened if reginald didnt kill the og ben and jennifer. would the cleanse have happened way sooner?

- wait but how did jennifer even get durango in her body was she also the result of a miraculous birth like the others w the marigold?

[petalkitshadow]

I saw your PKS Headcanons and now i cant stop thinking....what If mapleShade and freckleWish actually had feelings for eachother but they didnt know what to make of It because yknow surpressed lesbians in a homophobic clan but they still are soooo inlove yet confused and when mapleshade lies that the kits were birchfaces freckleWish is like "this is the PERFECT excuse for me to spend more time with her and take care of these kits as If It were my own- because ofc they uh are my brothers so they are my kin" but ofc It was all thrown off the window when ravenwing revealed everything and homophobicStar kicked maple and her kits off the clan and ofc frecklewish feels alot of anger towards maple at this point because everything was a lie to cover up her half clan kits and she was inlove with a random riverclan tom??? She was heartbroken and felt betrayed so she turned her back on maple but after maple was gone freckle sometimes would think to herself regretting it and missing maple and the kits anyways i love some angst

Yep you hit the nail right on the head! I'm exploring it more in the Frecklefic, but i hinted at it a bit in PkS as well, such as here in Ch 11:

Freckle and Maple's relationship was... complicated. Like in canon, the clan had high hopes for Mapleshade - granddaughter of Redstar, many thought she would be deputy, and maybe leader eventually, including Frecklewish. As such, she was close with the leaders' kits; best friends with Birchface and Frecklewish. Oakstar wanted to keep the "strong blood" together.

Freckle and Maple both had romantic feelings for each other, but Oakstar's ThunderClan (as well as the ThunderClan of his predecessors, Seedstar and Redstar) is highly utilitarian and conservative. Everything must be done to serve the clan, and there's a bit of gender essentialism thrown in as well. She-cats should have kits, to provide the Clan with more warriors. Oakstar was giddy at the idea of merging the bloodlines of two leaders (such a shame seedstar was so ambitious and never had kits like a good she-cat, he says)

Well anyways, because of this climate, same-sex couples were shamed and ostracized by the community, for their inability to provide good, wholly-thunderclan kits to the clan. (no, adoption and surrogacy don't exist, whats that? we cant challenge the nuclear family model that keeps bloodlines so clear and separates the leaders from the ordinary warriors, says Oakstar!) It was kind of an unspoken rule to not be gay, not speak about it, and such. Thus, Frecklewish and Mapleshade never realized their own feelings. But for some reason they just really loved sharing a nest, raising kits together, being physically affectionate, etc. very much the epitome of "they seem like good friends", as Petalkit put it lol

But, these feelings, I think that's part of why Frecklewish reacted so strongly. She felt betrayed, not just for her brother's sake, but for her own. She felt as crushed as if her own wife cheated on her. Which of course, isn't what happened at all, as they werent together and didnt even realize their own feelings, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Maple on the other hand, was so crushed that the one cat who'd been by her side for years was now against her. Maybe in a better world things couldve worked out... but this isn't a better world, and both cats have to live (well. after-live) with what they've done for all eternity!

...but maybe there's a chance things can be settled, when they finally meet in the dark forest 👀

[dreemurr-skelememer]

Okay I keep getting confused on this and I hope u can give me an answer in a very simple, digestible, understandable way

How did Gin die?

after tantan (an au flowey, to clarify if you didnt know) possessed him and wrecked the place, gin was in recovery for a while

and it seemed like he was getting better. to the point that all his new cracks healed and he could safely move around again

but in the midst of hanging out w his brother, he suddenly just. started deteriorating without warning.

the thing is, he knew this was gonna happen. his father knew this was gonna happen. his brother knew this was gonna happen. they just didn't know when.

so yeah, ever so slowly, all of gin's close friends and family quickly came over to say their final goodbyes and he was gone.

:)

thanks for sending the ask!!! i'm completely willing to take any more asks explaining or clarifying anything about gin..i could literally talk about him all day, so if any of u have any more questions.....u know..........i could blabber about him all day..............

anyway i actually have an unfinished oneshot of me fully writing out gin's feelings as he was dying. i doubt i'll ever finish it so i'm gonna put it under the cut freely for you all to see. enjoy!

---

The world had felt like everything broke apart at that very moment.

It felt like a crack of lightning in a storm with a clap of deafening, resounding thunder as if it was too close for comfort. The kind that would send a jarring shiver and jolt around anyone nearby, ringing in an eardrum as if everything was destroyed at that very moment.

The Omega Timeline seemed blindingly bright and sunny on that day that it had happened, right outside the house that Gin settled in himself when he had first arrived in the area. He scoped it out meticulously, a piece of ground that reminded him just like home. It was in the middle of a forest with a bit of clearing around it, enough space for a yard for him to run around and play.

The memory was shut away as quick as it appeared, as Kin’s horrified screams rang out to the surrounding area. It was hard, shrilling, pained, and surprised all at once.

Gin’s eyes slowly attempted to open with that sound, yet a painful and sharp sting was prominent on the right side of his face.

He hissed greatly, wincing as his phalanges aim to rub against it. The pain was familiar, seething, and sharp. The familiarity reminded him of a faint feeling in the back of his mind, something foggy but not clear enough for him to visualize in his mind.

Gin’s face was shattered with cracks once more. He knew this.

His vision was as cloudy and as blurry as ever, staring at the tips of his fingers seeping blood. The blood glowed slightly, another familiar sight to him. But this time, he didn’t have time to process it, and nor did he care enough to. Quickly, footsteps began to circle him and his brother.

Ah, right. His brother… was here.

He finally looks up towards the person holding him ever since he fell over onto the grass underneath them through his hazy eyes. Kin’s face was warped with dread, dumbfounded and mortified at the sight of Gin shattered like glass once more. The scared expression on Kin’s face slowly started melting into an expression of sorrow, utter regret, as he processed what was happening at that very moment.

Every single vision that Kin saw, visions that he could never describe to anyone else. All the sights and dreams that only his father knows, ones of seeing his brother dead, were all finally making sense in his head.

It was always inevitable. He knew this, but why now? When everything was finally okay?

Such is fate, he assumes.

But I don’t like fate, he cried.

Fate gives me nothing but suffering.

Gin’s vision cleared up slightly as he began to reach up to his brother’s cheekbone, face immediately concerned. He’s crying. He shouldn’t be crying so much. Why was he crying so much? He still could not see as well as he wanted, but the tears dropping onto his own cheek from above said just as enough.

He had known the difference between the rain and tears, but either one, he’d wanted them to stop.

"...pap…" Gin managed to mutter out, his weak thumb brushing whatever tears poured out of his poor little brother's sockets. "...why are you crying..? Don't cry…" He continued on, the ringing and the sobbing getting a little louder.

"YOU'RE HURT!" His brother said, hands gently caressing Gin's newly formed cracks as not to hurt him any further.

"YOU'RE HURT AND I…and I…" A sniffle.

"...and I-I knew this would happen and yet…"

Gin felt a small squeeze on his free hand.

"...you didn't want it to happen, did you..?" Gin speaks a little more.

The cries grew a little bit louder.

The hand that squeezed Gin's held on a little bit tighter.

"Papyrus…" Gin's voice was airy, clearly a little bit out of breath. "I'm sorry, Kin…I should've taken care of myself a little better…" His already foggy vision started to get even mistier, feeling tears pool at the corners of his sockets. "I shouldn't…have been so naïve…"

---

thereare some things i'd definitely change, but here it is unaltered from the doc

[kindnessisweakness2]

Delusional -Part 22

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Delaney questioned Alex as he stood from the table and made his way towards her. “Ah Ah Ah...” He sarcastically wagged his finger at her. “Wow, Teller really has re lit the fire in you. Think your untouchable?” He challenged her, the look in his eye begging her to say something, to fight back. "Your Mom called me. She wants me to take you back. Begged me pretty much.” Delaney scowled at him. “What is it you want Alex? Im done playing this fucking game with you.” Alex smirked at her. “Isnt it obvious? I want you dead. i just want to enjoy fucking with you first. By the time im done you’ll be begging me for death. It’ll be a mercy.” Tears stung at Delaneys eyes. "Why? What have I done to deserve this, any of it?" Alex studied the broken woman in front of him. She looked tired and scared. Part of him debated just giving in and killing her quickly. Maybe he had put her through enough. But despite any reason he could think of to give her mercy, he knew he wouldn't be fully satisfied until he had her blood on his hands. Soaking in his skin, the spray of it coating his face. Oh he couldn't explain how bad he craved it. A knock on the door pulled him from his thoughts. Pointing the gun at her again he nudged his head towards the door. “Get rid of them. If you say anything, hint at anything being wrong i will kill them and you.” Delaney shuffled towards the door with Alex at her back, digging the barrell of the gun into her side. She was trying her best to stay calm, but all she wanted to do was break down. Let it all out, the screams, the tears. Fear and Anger weighed heavy on her chest. Opening the door just enough to pop her head out, her worried eyes fell on Halfsack. Trying to keep a neutral face, but secretly hoping he would notice something off and tell Jax, Delaney managed a small smile. “Hey, Jax sent me just to check on you, Make sure you didnt need anything. I know you guys arent in the best place right now, but he cares Ya’know.” Kip started to Ramble. Delaney’s eyes filled with tears she couldnt stop. Clearing her throat trying to move the fast growing lump, she tried not to think that this would possibly be the last time she laid eyes on someone in her family. If she knew yesterday would be the last time she saw Jax, she wouldnt of wasted it arguing. The issue of Tara seemed stupid now. Now that today would be her last day. Tried not to think of their little baby tucked away in her belly, another one they wont get the chance to raise. Death would be a blessing in that regard, she wouldnt have to feel the pain of losing another child. “I-Im Fine. Thank you. P-Please tell Jax, that i love him, m-more than a-anything.” Halfsack smiled but looked at his  VP’s old Lady quizzically. She was weird,But he couldnt put his finger on it. Is this what pregnancy hormones does to women? Kip nodded at her anyway and started to head back towards his bike. “Oh and Kip?” He turned as she called. “Please can you tell him I’m Sorry?” Kip couldnt hide the confused look on his face but before he could question what she was sorry for the door was shut. Getting on his bike, He headed straight towards Gemma’s. He couldnt shake the feeling something was off. 

“Jax i think you need to go home.” Halfsack walked straight into Gemmas Kitchen, finding his VP sat at the table drinking a coffee. He looked like he had been up all night with the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Is she okay?” Gemma questioned worriedly. The last thing her son needed was anything to happen to Delaney and the baby. “Shes weird, i dont know how to explain it. Somethings off Jax. She said to tell you she loves you more than anything, but she was all stuttery and was trying to stop herself from crying. And then i was about to leave she called my name and said to tell you she was sorry.” Kip really couldnt explain the panicked feeling it left him with, but he needed Jax to go home. “So do you think she was just upset about the argument we had? Crying is normal right? Shes pregnant and hormonal.” Jax tried to think logically. Maybe Halfsack was overthinking this. “No baby, i think we should go check on her. If he thinks something is off, its worth checking out. Shes been through alot recently, lets just go make sure she is fine.” Jax nodded at his mother. He didnt want to wait till Monday to go home anyway. This thing with Tara was sorted, he’s handled it, so he was hoping they could move on. He could go home and start getting ready for their little miracle baby. Their boy. Even thinking about the baby made a smile stretch on his face. The three of them. Their own little family. Grabbing his Kutte, Jax followed his mom out the door and headed to his bike. He was going home. 

There were many times in her life that Delaney pictured her death. Planned it, hoped for it even. Part of her always knew Alex would one day be the cause of it. But one thing she didnt imagine, was that it would happen in Jax’s house. There she was, on her knees infront of Alex, in Jax’s living room. Gun only a few inches from her forehead. 1 Shot. Clean. Execution Style. Thats all it would take, and she would no longer exist. Would Jax be the one to find her? No, she didnt want that image left for him. She didnt want him to see her like that. It would haunt him. How long would he wait before seeking comfort from another woman? Would it be Tara’s arms he fell back into? She hoped not. But the thought of him running to a crow eater for comfort didnt make her feel any better. She could see the front door in her peripheral vision, like it was taunting her. Her only escape route and she couldnt take it. A punch to the side of the head brought her out of her thoughts. Fuck. “Are you even listening?” Alex spat at her. She winced as pain shot down her face and through her jaw. “Yeah, some shit about your gonna kill me. Leave my body for Jax. Whatever. I told you earlier. Im done with your games. You wanna kill me? Get it fucking over with.” Another smack split her cheek and had her seeing stars. Her ears were ringing with the force of the smack and she blinked hard trying to come to her senses. She heard the safety click off on the gun and her stomach dropped. “Are you gonna cry?” He taunted. Gritting her teeth, Delaney looked forward. Was she fuck going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her panic. No if she was being taken from this earth, she was doing it swinging. She was fighting. She wasnt going to make it easy for this bastard. “Any Last words my love?” He grinned as he looked down at her. So scared, but trying to be so strong. He could see it in her eyes, the fear, and he would be lying if he said it didnt make him happy. “Yeah, I hope that Jax tortures you before he kills you. I hope he hurts you so fucking bad. Makes you cry like the pathetic little boy you really are on the inside. Theres a reason you are the way you are Alex. What is it huh? Mommy didnt love you enough? Did she not hug you? Did Daddy beat you? Was he never proud? Were you never good enough Alex Reid? Tried your hardest but never got daddy and mommy’s approval.” She could see the rage flicker in his eyes. It was working, she was getting to him. With any luck he would kill her quickly. 

Pulling up to the unusually quiet house, Jax was instantly worried. Usually the music Delaney played could be heard in the street it was that loud. And if you stood at the bottom of the drive you could see her dancing and swaying about the kitchen to the beat as she cleaned or cooked. There was always movement in their home, but now it was eerily quiet. Deciding instantly they needed to be careful Jax walked to where his mom sat in her car. “Prospect was right. Somethings off. Stay here, call the rest of the guys.” Gemma’s face showed her worry instantly. “Ya’know shes probably in bed getting rest like the doctor told her yesterday. You should probably leave her alone, let her rest. The doors not smashed off, its not trashed and theres no sign of an intruder. Jax maybe give her time.” Gemma tried to reason with her son, there was no sign of anything being wrong apart from the house being quiet. Sleeping people dont make much noise. Jax shook his head as he thought about what his mom said. He had the same feeling as Halfsack now he was here. His stomach twisted painfully. He just had to see her. Once he saw with his own eyes he would know she was okay and he would leave her to rest. “Okay, your probably right. I’ll go in through the garage and just check on her.” Knowing her son wasnt going to rest until he saw her in the flesh, Gemma agreed. Lighting a cigarette, she sat back and waited for Jax to come back. 

[cyncerity]

Cyn I am thinking about your store au i am shaking you do you have ideas

YES IN FACT I DO

ok so since i haven’t actually talked about it before in depth: let’s talk about Bad and Skeppy, cause why not?

In this au, as discussed in this story, Sapnap found out about storage instinct through an incident with Bad being in danger and Sapnap storing him. What I haven’t discussed was what happened after that. In the story I just said he “took Quackity and Karl and never went back.”

So, after the incident, Sapnap very literally did just that. Him and his boyfriends had been talking about finding somewhere else to live, so after Sapnap let Bad out (Bad had passed out cause of fear and exhaustion and at that point it was pretty much the middle of the night, so Sapnap was able to sneak him into his house without waking Skeppy), he went to his house with Quackity and Karl and asked them to move out asap.

Quackity went to talk to Sam (his dad) and his sister (Tina), who said it was ok, and Karl didnt have a family (he was taken in by Bad, Skeppy, and Sam during his early teens when his colony had been raided) so he was down with it, too. Sapnap told them that Bad and Skeppy were good with it and that he’d already said his goodbyes and grabbed his stuff, so after Quackity and Karl said their goodbyes (to everyone except happy duo, Sapnap begged them not to talk to them [they found this odd but did as Sapnap asked]), they made their way out of the forest, never to return.

Meanwhile, Bad had woken up and was immediately on edge and panicking over what had happened the night before. Eventually Skeppy woke up and tried to calm him down, but nothing worked. Worse yet, Bad wouldn’t say a word about it. Not about how he was feeling, not about why he was panicking, only asking where his son was. Skeppy obviously didn’t know, and Bad wasn’t exactly about to go and look for him. He spent all day in his bedroom crying and trying to figure out what had happened, Skeppy staying by his side all day to comfort him without fully understanding why, but it wasn’t helping. Bad wouldn’t spill. After all, how was he supposed to tell his husband that his son almost ate him, killed him? He couldn’t. Even if Skeppy and Bad were both well aware that Sapnap was a shifter (something that all three of them [and no one else: they’d vowed to keep it a secret] had learned a few weeks prior in a horrifying way), this was something completely different. So he sobbed in silence.

The first day Sapnap didn’t come to their home (what he usually did on a daily basis), it was a relief. Bad refused to leave for fear of seeing his son, and Skeppy refused to let Bad be alone. The second day was the same. The third day, Skeppy became concerned, but still wouldn’t leave Bad. After all, Sapnap was pretty much a grown man, he could handle himself.

After a week and a half, Skeppy left the house to find his stepson. At that point, even Bad had become concerned. Even if he still didn’t want to see him, he didn’t want anything bad to have happened to him, despite everything. He was still his son.

But, after Skeppy approached Sam, he learned that Sapnap had left for good. Sam had seemed confused, saying that Sapnap had claimed he’d said his goodbyes, but Skeppy was shocked. Why would he have moved out without telling his dads? Did this have something to do with what was going on with Bad? Sam also mentioned that Sapnap had seemed very on edge the day he’d left, did that have to do with it?

Skeppy went home and immediately told Bad, who felt a mixture of relief and horror. Relief that nothing like what had happened to him could happen to anyone else he loved, and horror that he’d ever think something like that about his own child. He didn’t want their time together to end like this. They’d had an amazing relationship for their entire lives up until the past month, but now Sapnap was gone and no one had any way of knowing where he went off to.

Flash Forward a few years to the time of the present story-

Sam, Bad, Skeppy, and a few other friends they’ve managed to collect all live in pretty much the same area that they always did, growing it from just a couple families (like it had been when the fiancés were there) to a full on borrower colony. It’s been years and for the three dads, there’s still been pretty much no sign of their boys. For Sam, even Tina moved to a new colony, though she still sometimes comes to visit. For Bad and Skeppy, they’ve kept Sapnap being a shifter a secret, not that it matters much anymore. There’s been no contact, nothing to show them that their son and his fiancés are ok, nothing to even show they’re still alive, for all they know. Skeppy’s still hurt that Sapnap left with no warning and not even a note, and Bad just wishes something could have been different. He still hasn’t told anyone, not even Skeppy, what happened all those years ago; he can still barely stand to think of it himself. But that’s their past, and in their present, there’s not much food left in the area to scavenge. So, the three older members of their newfound colony go out in search of easy to reach food.

Wouldn’t luck have it that there was a whole human convenience store nearby?

[bigmack2go]

So you finished your outline kr even your entire story? And now yove gotta come up with a title but you don’t wanna be as boring as using the main characters full name? LET ME HELP YOU!

Idk how to make a good intro to this but i’ll just try by starting with: theres a difference between fanfics and books

For fanfics it’s okay to have a shitty title, a song related title or just a whole ass quote(all tho that last ones debatable) theres still a lot of fanfics with great titles though.

This one seems obvious but please at least make your book SEEM interesting

But if you do want or need a good title let me help. I have no idea where to start so jm just gonna give u a couple of things to keep in mind withoutany particular order.

Okay so idk how to start this but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep your title at two words or less. If you have three… fine i guess but thats the absolute limit. Also absolutely avoid going over four syllables! That also in most cases means: no quotes, not songs etc unless theyre short enough. This is not optional! There’s nothing that i hate more than a name that takes ages to say when i try to recommend a book or show or movie which is why i simply dont do it. And you don’t want that. You want your storry to be recommended. Like the summer i turned pretty. Great book. Great plot. The title almost made me not read it.

Talking about at one. The summer i turned pretty also made no sense what so ever! Especially with the sequels??? Please make your titles make sense for the story! And if you wanna do sequels i’m BEGGING you to keep that in mind for the title.

Dont spoiler anything but for fucks sake make it make sense

Also pls dont start it with “the” cuz thats bad enough as it is but thats not even my point: if you dont want something boring as the MC’s full name, you also dont want something like the important object or just some random noun i promise. It CAN work if its like a name for a group of people like the outsiders or a gang name or smt but its like that it won’t so just… dont

I’d also avoid using original words that u amde up for the story. This isn’t necessarily smt that makes the title bad but it automatically means that it’s harder to remember so if you wanna be recomended thats probably a No. Unless its super easy to remember foe whatever reason.

So now that ive told you what NOT to do, let me give you some ‘DOs’

So theres several kinds of titles.

My personal favourite are like word plays. Not necessarily puns bc they often create new words which are as we’ve established hard to remember. But just something with a double meaning or something like that… i love that

Something else that always works are inconsistencys. Nothing like titles that contradicts itself! It sparks confusion and most importantly: INTEREST. People wanna know what the fuck is up with that. And it can alsk be rly soothing (for some reason)

References and innuendos are smt else i’ll never say no to if they’re used right. This can also overlap with wordplays. Famous (short) quotes or sayings, places or names are never not it

Smt else that slaps is good ol’ simplicity. Be bold. This👏does👏not👏have👏to👏be👏a👏spoiler! I promise you that just because you make it obvious what’s the book about that won’t spoiler shit.

Talking about: i love a good On-The-Nose title especially because most people expect nothing less than the exact opposite of it. Dont get me started on how banger of a title “They Both Die At The End” would be if it were just a little shorter!

And lastly even tho fullnames are an absolute turn-off last names can be sooo good. Especially when they’re about the whole family and especially when they’re in singular

Ofc these rules don’t always apply. Here are some examples of when they didnt

Fifty shades of gray (not defending the book itself, im just saying: the title is awesome)

Ansalom

The guy who didnt like musicals

Pride and prejudice

The kangaroo chronicles

Dracula

Alice in wonderland

That nineties show

Lollita

Bonny and clyde

Out of africa

Come from away

The never ending story

But trust me they usually do apply and just because a book is doing well it doesn’t mean the title had any part in it! Here are some books that should not have done so well and wouldn’t if it were for the title

Harry Potter

Percy Jackson

Mathilda

Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!! (Like holy shit dude wtf u literally have not one but TWO exclamation marks in there and take up TWO lines)

The little shop of horrors

Here are some really good titles

Red clocks

Hamlet

Star Wars

Maze Runner

Qualityland

Hamilton

Let’s win

Newsies

Half bad

Blackbird

Avatar

Chrimson rivers

Fight or flight

Young royals

Bridgerton

Titanic

Here are some titles that could have been soooo good if they just… (and what i would change them too

How to get away with murder its so long (sort of wordplay?, interesting)

The fifth season- season five its too long sry (interesting)

Maze Runner-*not having sequels* it just doesn’t make sense for the sequels (simple and interesting)

Just lovers (like we’re suposed to be)- just lovers (contradiction, interesting)

History is all you left me-simply history (?) (contratdiction) too long

More happy than not (interesting) too lonh

They both die at the end (on the nose) too long

Half bad: the bastard son of the devil himself- half bad (interesting) too fucking long dudeee

Also some that DID folow the rules but are still… not so good for some reason? (This is only about the titles not the works!!!!!)

Best friends brother

Choices

Girl in pieces

Boy meets world

No one saw

That nineties show

Lalaland

Im also maybe gonna do some of these on covers and genrally viduals

[sugarrookiedesign]

A Date So Bad, I Made A Tumblr Post About It

I'm sorta just listing events from the date off but its not entirely in order, and I most certainly forgot a few details bc it was all so stressful and chaotic

Mostly posting this for myself and my friends to gawk at (hi! 💓)

We met on the hellsite grindr. They're conventionally attractive, a bit odd and confusing through text, but were nice and seemed chill overall. We exchanged socials prior to meeting up and they had no local friends or much online community at all despite living in the area their whole life but I chalked it up to being newly trans.

These were the red flags I shouldn't have ignored, if you're keeping track lmao

I agreed to come to their place and my boyfriend dropped me off

First off I aint judging, but their house was completely empty besides their room even tho they claimed to have roommates and werent moving/recently moved?? unrelated but justa odd vibe and potential red flag lol

They were so erratic from the moment I met them they just kept talking n talking, and were clearly not all there bc I couldn't understand alot of what they were sayin. It made conversation so hard.

We sat on the floor of their bedroom and smoked wii'd

They got very emotional about everything and would like jump up and like grab n shake me by the shoulders to emphasize the shit they were babbling 😭

Throughout the date they gave lil signs that they were a volatile person like they explained how they have had frequent fall outs w friends and family, their exs have called the cops on them on numerous occasions(explained in bits n pieces throughout the date during their semi-coherent rambles), and they had spicy reactions to me, just like, saying anything.

Thoughout the date they said the R word 3 times even after i told them it upset me, both to be funny and because they were mad at someone in their head, they made fun of muslims(amongst many others), told me "i dont go too far left, my political opinions will get me in trouble" and didnt elaborate when I tried gently asking about it.

They asked if I wanted to have sex like 4 times like out of nowhere in different ways and I had to say "Ive told you no 4 times, absolutely not, please stop" and kept pushing questions about my kinks. They also really hammered on how confusing polyamory was and made it clear that they thought it was dumb and funny that I have an asexual partnership w my fiance even though I explained it all to them prior ro meeting. :')

Like 6 times throughout our 4 hour date they made themselves so mad from talking(basically to themselves) about their traumas that they were like yelling at themselves while staring at the ground??

Surprisingly the thing that made me text my boyfriend to pick me up ASAP was they asked me to buy them food like over and over and made me explain why I didn't want to do that it was so creepy and weird and upsetting, ik it sounds dumb but just the way they were saying shit n pushing it really triggered my anxiety 😭

(obviously manipulative voice that i notice immediately): "aw you know I could really go for some icecream but ive been broke recently and i have no food in my fridge"

me, knowing whats coming, already so sick of them: "Ah I feel you I love icecream, and I've been nearly broke recently too"

"..please buy me icecream?"

"uh no im sorry not today"

"please?"

"uuuuh, what? I dont really feel like it i already bought us snacks and i dont have alot of money"

"you said *nearly broke*. Can you please?"

"no"

"why not you have money"

and just kept going and was like asking how much I had in my bank account 😭

i try to ignore my phone when im w people to be respectful so the first time i texted my bf was to get rescued right after they begged me for food money and they just stared at me silently for like 15 seconds while I was texting before angrily saying "Oh so do you talk shit to your boyfriend when your grindr dates aren't going well? Is that it?"

for my safety I had to pretend like I was willing to go on a second date but I blocked her everywhere except grindr before I was even out of her driveway 😭😭

its hard to fully explain how fucking weird and bad this date was

One last small thing lmaooo when she put a youtube video on for us to watch she just straight up unblinkingly stared directly at my face to gauge my reactions to it FOR THE ENTIRE VIDEO I STG IF THAT ISNT SERIAL KILLER VIBES DUDE

Im tired, I just wanted headpats but I put myself in danger instead uuuugghhh

Part of it was absurd and almost-funny, I couldn't believe what was happening at times, but it was also mostly just super stressful. Lots of thoughts n anxiety swirling through my silly kitty brain 😖

Im not judging them for being clearly mentally unwell and I really hope they heal and get help for the stuff they're going through.. but also they were an objectively bad person who I need as far away from me as possible!

[laithraihan]

I'm the anon who sent you the long message that apparently came off "pompous & infantilizing" and more to your followers.

I find it interesting that that message sparked such a flood of defenders, when I did not send it in bad faith at all. From your answer it seems I'm lacking context so sorry if I took some of your statements the wrong way, but nonetheless I just found the parental love addition strange and reacted to that, that was all there was to it. I clearly stated (three times) I'm not taking any issue with your headcanons.

By saying they are far removed from canon I did not mean to say they are "too unrealistic" or something is wrong with that, I literally said the opposite. I meant just that, that factually, this will not be a common interpretation for someone who is familiar with the source material but not your blog. This is not a statement that I made with any judgemental value and I thought I made that very clear but apparently not.

So I'm sorry for the additional ask.

Have a nice day.

Thank you for the response.

I was fully aware you said there was no issue with what I drew, but the way you wrote everything else sort of negated that statement. At least that's how me and many other people saw it.

If someone finds what I drew strange or confusing then they could always just... block me or ask me about it (and btw I expected people to be confused, otherwise I wouldnt have labeled it "non-coupling" as soon I posted it lol)

Someone did ask me about it, and you seem to have already seen that response, yet you still felt the need to send another message basically implying that an explanation wasn't enough (turns out it actually wasnt enough because people said I was lying and in denial) and that my explanation was weird too? Which is whatever I already ended up clarifying that, English is not my first language and I type things with the help of a translator (I wish people could actually keep this in mind. I only type in English because it'll reach a wider audience and it's the language most of my followers know. Often I have to google words people tell me online, or I ask my friends fluent in English to explain things for me)

You can say "that's not what I intended" but that's how it came across... you wrote a lot of nice words while also saying it was understandable that people were ganging up on me over a drawing, it seemed patronizing.

That's why me and others took offense to it, but I think it's difficult to tell tone through text so I don't want to keep nitpicking this any further. If you say you had no ill intent then I believe you.

The following will just be me adding more context and not necessarily aimed at you: Again I understand the lack of context of my account can make people confused about my art, Ive made that clear many times.

The art I made where I said "if your parents didnt love you then it's obvious" was a direct response to people who were mocking me specifically for tagging the art as "non-coupling" because they didnt believe me. They got the context and decided I was trying to hide a fetish because a kiss on the cheek was "obviously shippy". They proceeded to compare this to drawing NSFW of Mob and Reigen by labelling it "non-ship" as if it was comparable to tucking a child into bed, that's what upset me. I did absolutely nothing to these people, I dont know them, if they said this privately I wouldnt care but it was public, and they also targeted another friend of mine for no reason.

All Im gonna say is that my drawing shouldnt have caused this much controversy in the first place. I labeled it "non-coupling" as soon as I posted it, which should've been enough honestly. It's not like I posted porn or anything like that, I got the idea from something Ive experienced in my family as a teenager and I could easily google stock images of the exact same scenario to use as reference, like I really didnt think it was that bad.

Anyways I think I've explained myself many times already. Im not gonna be hostile and say to people "roh t9awed dont ever send me anything else related to this" but just.. check if Ive already answered your question so that it doesnt end up being repetitive. If you have a question about this that I havent answered yet, then feel free to ask.

[itsgivingfaggot]

Thinking about the time I went to this group therapy thing for a diagnosis I had gotten a couple months prior. But It started half a year before i got my name (& gender marker) legally changed. So I had to give the organization my deadname when signing up. This wasnt too much of a big deal, they used my actual name in therapy, my pronouns, didnt out me in the group or anything, things were fine.

Now after nearly completing the whole year of group therapy I overhead one of the women running it talking about a seperate group that sounded perfect for me, that they didn't seem to advertise in their flyers etc so I never had heard about it. So I decided to approach her after one of the last sessions and ask her about it. She seemed excited about me joining it but told me she would need to do a pre interview first. We set an appointment for maybe 2 weeks later.

Now, in the most vague terms, this was a group For Very Traumatized people. I show up to the sort of "interview" a little nervous, expecting questions abt my biography, effects of trauma I'm dealing with, how I'm coping with them, blabla. She basically opens up with "so I asked the other group members about a Man joining them, and when one of them expressed that she wouldn't be comfortable with it, I explained your situation to her!" With a big smile on her face. My "situation". She outed me to this random group of people I had never even met before. This group was not once meant to be a womens space. She simply should've given everyone the option to decide if they were comfortable with this. That's all. Not fucking outing me. For the woman who wasnt comfortable with me as a cis man? Sucks for her. But that doesnt mean this worker gets to potentially endanger me for that womans comfort. But of course she did.

So that's over. Can we finally get to the interview? Of course. However she opens up with "oh you know, I've just been super interested in how things were for you growing up. If you could tell me about that." I go "with the. Abuse?" She doesnt react. "....The autism?" "Oh, no no! The trans thing!"... I sit there a little confused. I give a short one or two sentence answer thinking we will move on to the actual topic of this group. But no. She keeps digging. What about your family? Did you have ~the surgery~ yet? How was school? What about your partners? What about your extended family? What about-

And i was unable to tell her to stop. I answered everything as vaguely as possible. But as a trans person you're always seen as fucking representative of every other trans person. You're not an individual you're either a walking advertisement for corruption or a fascinating oddity of a mystical group to disect and test and observe. If I had told her it's none of her business what's in my pants, it's not actually important to this group how my uncles reacted to me coming out? No I dont want to tell you in great detail the effects of testosterone on my body? Etc. Maybe she'd make a mental note of "trannies = rude and combative. Secretive. Dont want their ~allies~ to be educated about their experiences (why?!)" and I dont wanna be responsible for that in a setting where that person holds so much influence over someone's access to mental health care. So I mumbled my way through it.

In the end the "interview" for a fucking trauma group was 30 minutes of me being increasingly uncomfortable by being prodded over being trans, and roughly 5 minutes of her telling me about some rules in the group and asking a single question about how to best handle me when past trauma gets triggered. I ended up not joining anyways for mostly (!) unrelated reasons. But like. What the fuck was that. I dont understand how some cis people who are interested in trans experiences wont just like. Watch a fucking documentary. Read a book. Theres people who make it their lives mission to share their experiences. That Does Not Mean every random trans person you meet will wanna do the same.

Also again dont fucking out people without their consent. I cant believe we still have to say this oh my god

[tandytoaster]

I know I've said this before but aside from my mother, since it directly happened to her, I really do think I'm having the worst reaction out of all of us to her having the ruptured aneurysm.

Like she's fine. She's home, she's normal, almost as if nothing happened. My siblings don't voice any worries, my grandparents seem to be doing pretty okay. But I'm right here almost 2 months after the fact still crying inconsolably for the past hour.

Crying because I still feel like she's in the hospital an hour away but she's home only 5 minutes from me. Crying because I feel like a small child who wants nothing more than to be with her mother. Crying because I've spoken negatively about her before, even though I had every right to. Crying because I feel like I look like an idiot for feeling so clingy for lack of a better word towards someone who has hurt me so much, in front of people who know how much she has hurt me. Crying because I want Becca to be around my family but she's uncomfortable around them but I know she has every right to be uncomfortable around them. Crying because I am just so stuck. Stuck feeling like a child, stuck feeling in the past, stuck in a memory, stuck in the vision of the moment she had the aneurysm ruptured- which i did not witness but i can vividly imagine. Crying because I keep thinking about steve saying i can call at any hour and he will pick up, and being so tempted to do so because i desperately need the support from someone irl but knowing i cannot I Cannot put myself in that situation because i am so incredibly vulnerable. Also confused because i have it in my head that he's going to not be nice now that my mom is home even though that makes no sense at all. Even more confused because why do i want him to be nice and interact with me because thats scary ! Why do i want to play pretend in this way like everyone else. To feel normal maybe. Maybe because everyone else is doing it. Its really confusing and its really scary

I really do feel the more life goes on the less stable i become. The less connected to reality i feel. I "know" what is real and what is not but thats not what i feel and its not what comes natural to me.

I feel so small. So impossibly small.

I am both a baby that fell from space and landed in a flower patch and i am also a baby that did not want to come out of her mother. Every part of me feels thst i would not have come out if i didnt have to. Given the chance to go back in i would and i would not ever come out. I have felt this way for years