#but i just can’t seem to help myself
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Hi all! I hope it’s been a great week for everyone. It’s been pretty good for me, though busy. I think I’ve mentioned before that I work at an animal shelter, and yesterday we went ham on our garage, carting out and reorganizing much of what had been accumulating even before I took the job two years ago. Exciting things are happening, and I’m really proud of the work we do for both the animals and our community.
Thank you for the tags today, @nausikaaa and @artsyunderstudy! I’m always so happy to see what people are working on. I’ve only just posted Chapter Three of Pull Yourself Together, my increasingly untimely birthday fic for the incredible @rimeswithpurple (who just published her first SnowBaz fic this week as well, and it’s a corker. Go check it out!) Anyway, I really, truly, reallllllly think that the next chapter will be the final one, so please cross your fingers for me, lol. Since I haven’t written much else this week, here’s an excerpt:
Penelope Bunce barrels in so rapidly that I don’t even have time to wonder how she outwitted Mummers’ wards. “Simon, I need that text I loaned you on medieval charms,” she babbles without pausing to look around or take a breath. I’m frozen in place at my desk; Snow is holding his ridiculously large paws up and trying to scramble off the bed, but neither of us is able to get a word in before Bunce flings herself down next to him.
And…nothing happens. They’re not touching each other at all.
The plot thickens! Mwahahahaha. Hellos and no pressure tags: @cutestkilla @iamamythologicalcreature @youarenevertooold @c0nsumemy5oul @best--dress @thewholelemon @raenestee @letraspal @larkral @beastmonstertitan @valeffelees @martsonmars @argumentativeantitheticalg @ileadacharmedlife @facewithoutheart @orange-peony @fiend-for-culture @harrie-leithillustration @asocialpessimist @drowninginships @monbons @stitchy-queerista @mooncello @ic3-que3n @thehoneyedhufflepuff @the-beard-of-edward-teach @wellbelesbian @sourcherrysc0nes @confused-bi-queer @arthurkko @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @brilla-brilla-estrellita @prettygoododds @bookishbroadwayandblind @roomwithanopenfire @cows4247 @aristocratic-otter @supercutedinosaurs @prettyaudvampyscones @hushed-chorus @shrekgogurt @forabeatofadrum @imagineacoolusername @ivelovedhimthroughworse @mostlymaudlin @tender-ministrations @alleycat0306 and anyone else who’d like to share!
#six sentence sunday#pull yourself together#simon snow#baz pitch#snowbaz#Watford era#only one bed#forced proximity#magical mishap#rimeswithpurple#the fic keeps getting longer and longer#but i just can’t seem to help myself#carry on
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different.
#can’t help but recognize how kieran is a fantastic unspoken representation of autism#i see a lot of myself in him and the way that he is so isolated and lonely and yet cannot help but perform and find solace in his daily#routines is so heartbreaking in its own way to me. like no matter what you do or where you are you have no choice but to be yourself and fun#nction the only way you know how and it will never not be vastly different from everyone else. and when you’re surrounded by people who DONT#like you and will not accommodate and are not at all willing or curious in understanding WHY you are the way you are you’re left to just ….#live in your own head forever. i’m certain kieran thinks many wonderous things and sees the world in a beautiful light and i know this becau#se i am autistic myself and because of that i see the world in colours that neurotypical people will never comprehend but we’re never allowe#d to see the world through kieran’s eyes. we are never allowed to see where his heart rests or the poetry he waxes or what he believes or wh#at his triggers are or what’s a stim and what’s just habit or anything. anything. the breeze sounds different to him and he can hear birds f#or miles and the sun makes every hair on his arms tingle and that’s why he wears layers everywhere and every green he sees sings a beautiful#song to him and yet we’ll never know. because he is too different even for the van der linde gang. he is incomprehensible to them and he doe#s all of his 4/5 daily tasks over and over and over again and while he would always do them and will always do them because they are innate#to him no one will ever know just what they mean to him. no one will ever know that kieran duffy can distinguish the horses behind him by th#eir breathing cadences behind him as he scrubs the spare saddle with the sun high above his head and he can know when something is wrong bec#ause he can hear it. no one will ever know that he CAN read but the only thing he’s interested in is books about wildlife and horses and fis#h in particular and no one will ever know because he knows no one will ever understand or even care and if they do they’ll be sure to make#it a point to tell him how DIFFERENT he is. and realistically even if the vdl’s DID come around to liking him he STILL would NEVER be unders#tood. i know for certain he would always be described as odd and despite its new affectionate approach he would still be the odd one out wit#h his daily routines and his texture preferences and his inability to make eye contact and his erratic seemingly random triggers and his#anxiety that seems to have a mind of its own. no one would ever know how bright the tree leaves are in his eyes or how every horse smells di#fferent or why sometimes it’s more fun to reel his rod in over and over instead of actually catching a fish. he will always be …. different.#sorry. novel moment. he means a lot to me.#i’m not super happy with how he looks in these but i’m just trying to draw more :’) i always say that but i always mean it too#also if my novel makes no sense then just ignore it. it’s late and my head hurts. i tend to get tangential#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#image#art#hero draws sometimes
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[Heaven’s Secret 1 spoilers.]
Tbh, I don’t understand why Sepha didn’t just send Malbonte - not Bont or Mal, Malbonte - down to Earth, as a fallen angel, to be with his parents? Like, he wouldn’t have ever been able to come back, right? So it’d ‘solve the threat.’
I mean, I guess the answer is just ‘plot,’ but it’s a boring answer. The little bit we got of Sepha, I got the impression he’s not even able to grasp his own cruelty—like he doesn’t try to be, yet still is, anyway. And I guess part of that makes sense, with him being an unbelievably ancient deity and all, but it doesn’t explain his actions about Malbonte, when Earth was right there.
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?????????
#romance club#heaven’s secret spoilers#rc sepha#rc spoilers#‘because plot’ is a boring answer#WHY did Sepha think that Sephamalum’s prison was a good idea was for a child to be sent to if he can’t stand the suffering of any children#AND even views Malbonte - not Bont or Mal but Malbonte himself - as one of HIS children?#make it make sense.#like this ancient deity is framed as worn by time to the point of almost entire indifference#unable to grasp his own cruelty#while still acting on his (limited but genuine) compassion#and yet he sent a child to Sephamalum - his ‘evil’ brother who he knows very well - for eternity?????#this 2 + 2 is not equaling 4. why.#like I know Sepha’s almost like a giant eons old toddler tired of being responsible for existence continuing and just wanting to be alone#while also feeling like he has to get involved if something’s really wrong because he’s not actually without compassion#but you can’t tell me someone THAT OLD (ntm who set up the plan with Lane although that’s a spin-off that came later so it doesn’t count)#couldn’t think of just sending Malbonte to Earth? that seems more in-character and I barely know this clueless god!#once again: the answer to this seemingly just being ‘because plot’ is just. annoying. it’s so bland. ugh.#like if Malbonte caused trouble on Earth THEN Sepha could’ve thought splitting him without memories ‘made sense’#(because he can’t grasp his own cruelty.)#but we KNOW Sepha believed in the good in him - even during their final battle he didn’t just kill him he tried to ‘help’ Malbonte -#so yeah. his actions make no sense with the established characterization for him except because the plot was already decided. 😒#I just hate when writers make a character and then don’t even write them in a way that fits with the facts THEY CHOSE about THEIR CHARACTER#like as a writer myself it kills me it burns it makes me wanna scream like a boiling tea kettle. ugh 😩
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I hate when people tell me I’m a good person. That just makes me feels worse
#You don’t GET it and you don’t TRULY know me alright#I’m absolutely a dogshit human being#Sure I can pretend to be a good person#Sure I’ve got a convincing act#But you know what that makes me? A fraud#I can’t help but feel guilty making friends these days#Because with most of them I’m just digging myself into a hole#And I can either live in that hole for the rest of my life#Or I can tell everyone why I’m a bad person#And throw them and our friendship into that hole instead.#Then blow up the hole and bury what’s left inside forever#And yes I am aware of how this sounds#“Oh no guys I’m a bad person but I’m not gonna tell you whyyyyy teehee pay attention to me”#But unfortunately this WILL ruin multiple friendships and leave some people feeling betrayed#And I have to see some of them on a near-daily basis#And the ones I don’t have to see probably can’t handle that right about now#So I’ll just keep digging I guess.#Or I could stop calling for a bit. Put the shovel down#Maybe if I just don’t touch the shovel for long enough it’ll rain or flood or something#And fill the hole so I can drown in it#Or yknow. Swim to the top and leave it behind for good. Whichever seems best at the time
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I think I kinda gotta get this off of my chest without getting too deep into it (or else the voices will tell me to not get it out altogether).
I am struggling. Like a lot, like more than I realize anyone my age or anyone in general should struggle with. I think I’m desensitized to the really bad parts of it all (will not disclose those to anyone ever unless they’re a licensed professional) but today I think I’m gonna pump the breaks and say this shouldn’t be my normal. Nor should struggling daily be your normal either.
A big part in why I haven’t gotten help is because when I do it’s usually never the kind that actually helps. Shout-out to my at-school-therapist who’s tried their best to help me but can’t because they’re inexperienced and cannot give me help outside of what the district allows them to help with.
Anyways, in short I don’t want my mental issues to affect my academic performance and relationships anymore.
That’s never going to be as easy as it sounds, but I have goals to reach by the time I graduate and I need to have my shit together to get there. Which starts with tackling with my biggest hindrance to success, my unaddressed mental disabilities.
#I have genuinely been dragged through the mud with this shit#Not sure if anyone’s been able to tell though#which is fine not blaming the people I love obviously#I just hope y’all know that if I’m distant or seem off or you’re wondering why I can’t connect as genuinely as I want to#it’s because of the dumb brain chemical deficiency or genetic think flops I have going on#Yeah#Anyways I want this to be my get better year#Which means I have to address some of the really REALLY nasty parts of myself that needs fixing#I think it probably sounds a bit basic to some of you because y’all probably go to the doctors or already have your daignosis’#But I’m gonna have to fight my parents to get help which fucking suuuucks#Anywho yeah#I don’t think anyone actually cares about that but idk I hope y’all are going to start getting better as well#New year new us#Yippee!!
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me when the. when the academics

#screaming into the void I have no idea what I’m supposed to do for anything ever rrrgrhrhhhh#ranting below you have been warned#not doin g good in school. gifted kid has officially started the downward spiral#why is my brain so mean to me?..?. why???.?.#it’s bad enough I’m not good at anything I do not need my brain telling me that every second of every day#wwhy am I not good at ANYTHING what the fuck happened to me huh#and I can’t ever like?? complain about it because it sounds like I’m fishing for compliments or something#need someone to reassure me I’m not a fuckin dumbass but when people say that I do not believe them at all#so instead the evil thoughts remain in my brain and make my head explode on the regular#genuinely do not know what to do with my life because there’s no way I can handle college. grins.#I had a career path in mind for Years that I was determined to reach but like. idk man doesn’t seem feasible anymore#a career that requires lots of math? you mean the thing I cry when I look at? ok#but that is the Only thing I had in mind I have no other goals in life I am. uuurgrhhhh#i have time I guess. time that is quickly running out but whatever#i got like 2? at most 3 years until I gotta start Doing Something With My Life? I am not. okay with that#everything is so competitive I just can not handle it. it’s all about being smarter and more efficient than everyone else#and I crumble under competitive pressure Immediately. I can’t handle it at all number one way to shut me down is a competition of any sort#excuse me for not wanting to torture myself to try to squeeze my way into one of the most prestigious colleges in the country#‘ITS SO COMPETITIVE YOU GOTTA START STUDYING NOW GET EXPERIENCE GET EXPERIENCE ITS GONNA BE SO HARD’ you are not helping#I don’t WANT to go to an ivy league school I want to be happy and make enough money to survive. neither of which sound plausible atp#anyway feels like my life is falling apart. hehe. awesome#worst part is that I am doing this to myself. nobody is actively pressuring me except for Me#how is everyone else so perfect and determined and efficient and blah blah blah
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yea… i gotta stop letting ppl tell me i’m stupid and naive and all these bad things, when i’m not. i know im not. i let external forces dictate my essence. i don’t know how to stop as i wasn’t raised to be who i am today. unlearning my default programming. shedding skins and things of that nature. i am just me. though i haven’t settled on what that means.
#this year i’ve been on a mission to give myself definition#i want my name to mean something beautiful#i’m often asked what my name means. where it comes from.#i have no answers just yet#but its the one thing my mom did right.#i am a seer of souls. a seeker of cosmic knowledge. a siren lost at sea.#i mean no harm#tho its seems i leave fire in the tides#reflections burnt to ash along the shores#in the sand#i mean no harm really#i can’t help what i am.#(i’ll burn the sigil soon)
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why can’t my brain just. Move on. why can’t it stay moved on from things for longer than a week. I try so hard and yet I always end up sad again what is wrong with me why can’t my brain just knock it off I’m so tired of this.
#I finished new girl and it all went downhill#rewatching new girl helps#I know I need to like#change my living arrangements#that’s what I really want#but it’s easier said than done :/#why can’t I move on when other people seem fine#I don’t understand it#and ik my grief is concentrated in one area but it’s really about a lot of things#I just. I’m almost 25 I don’t know how to break free#what’s wrong with me#I have so few irl friends and no one who’d want to live with me#I feel like so often people only message me when they need something (mainly irls im talking about)#(irls who aren’t on tumblr !!!!)#I just want to be pursued more I’m so tired of pursuing#I did it so much I bled myself dry and for what#a year of mental health wasted#a fucked up perception of love and everything#safe spaces ruined forever#I’m just rambling now I need to go to sleep#but like I did therapy I read books I talked my head off I try and try I try all the things but nothing sticks#I create art and it helps for a little bit but the high always wears off#I should not have to meet new people to be better I can’t rely on people to fix myself I want to fix myself MYSELF#anyway#personal#vent#cadence rambles#and now I have CELIAC DISEASE YAY I’m half convinced my terrible mental health activated my celiac gene🥰#I’ll be ok I just#ugh. writing it out helps a little
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i hope you don’t mind me not participating in sunday six for so long and not updating my fic... i’m having a bit rough time handling my life irl right now
#meaning i’m having the worst start of the year ever#i’m EXHAUSTED fucking exhausted from my living situation and it doesn’t seem to get better any time soon#naturally i don’t have it in me to write because i don’t have enough time to relax. it’s been three fucking weeks.#i just don’t know even my body gives up from this stress and not like something terrible is happening#it’s extremely upsetting also considering that i love writing and it’s the only activity that makes sense to me#and always has been like that it’s in my core#and i. can’t do it. i can’t. i have no willpower or strength and it’s not writer’s block i’m just SO TIRED ALL THE TIME#therapy and years of medication mean nothing at this fucking point. props to me for not killing myself tho. well done 👍#sorry for ranting i am so frustrated that i can scream. i have actually. didn’t help.#well ahem i hope you understand 🙏 i feel bad that i’ve promised the chapter a long time ago and NOT TO BE THAT AO3 AUTHOR but#i really wanted to keep my promise. fuck me i guess#putting letters together one word at a time
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me and the generic extra strong Tylenol and the pure rage in my system
#Every once in a while I think. It’s not too bad home. I’m over dramatic. It’s not bad and it won’t be bad when I go home and never been bad#Then actually think and remember#I shouldn’t have been hit as a small child. I thank god that my parents stopped that with me.#But also. I should have been taken seriously when I went To them with concerns and shouldn’t have been brushed off.#But also to be a 14 something year old and to realize your parents aren’t in love is a crushing feeling#Since that must have been when. 13-14. Appa passed. Pandemic times. I’m sure my father. Since this would have been the last time I saw Appa#We went down to visit. Dad didn’t go he had work. He sent us off. I remember sitting in the passenger seat by mom in driver#Dad praying for our safe travel and for him going in for a kiss and the moment of hesitation and unwant from my mother#And the awkward silence and the way everything seemed to just shift to the side#That was summer of 2019. My first time realizing my parents weren’t both in love happened when I was 13-14.#I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.#And going to college has me feeling so guilty. Like I fucking ditched my siblings? The kids I raised as a child myself?#(I had to go. I don’t know if my scholarship would have held I don’t know if my financial aid would have held. I couldn’t have waited. )#(I would have likely done something bad to myself. Genuinely. If I weren’t able to be here. If I had to stay. I wouldn’t survive that.)#my siblings are fine. They have no responsibilities. My sister is manipulative. They will manage. They want me to get the education I need#They aren’t going to have to use their own college money to pay to be able to eat because the parents won’t feed them for the summer#I went into college with at least a couple hundred less than I should have. Because I had to parent. I had to feed my siblings.#And I had to pay to fill the gas tank on my father’s gas eater truck. We couldn’t be home because of the selling home situation.#I had to do something to get us out and to feed us but I didn’t get paid back for anywhere near all of it#I don’t regret it. But a kid shouldn’t have to pay for them and their siblings to live.#But then I remember the dread I have for returning ��home’ for the breaks. I don’t know what I’m going to do.#If I can’t work all of the breaks then I either won’t be able to pay next semester#Or I’ll have almost no money in savings. Like nothing to my name. Can’t buy gas. Can’t do anything. Can’t buy food.#Unless the next scholarship stuff I’m doing pulls through. But I’m willing to work the whole break just to get away from either house.#I want to violently shake my parents and get them to comprehend#Father you have dropped 260$ into my bank account in the last two weeks. Why could this not be earlier in the semester.#Why couldn’t that be in the time and fashion you FUCKING PROMISED for helping me pay my schooling?#You have money to spare. Stupid. Why couldn’t you help like you promised.#Mom you fucker. I get that you are kinda with a new man now. But you’re leading yourself into a relationship with a man you said yourself#You don’t want to date because he wants to move away with his sister and because he hates it here
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not a week goes by where i don’t think about the other trans kid i shot down at my local pride earlier this year
im not out, it was my first event ever, and i went alone. i was having a rough time and they tried to talk to me. i told them i wasn’t interested in making friends
one of my biggest regrets ever. i really hope they’re doing okay
#i feel so bad#i wish i acted literally any other way#i wasn’t in the best headspace but i really can’t help but blame myself#i must’ve seemed like such an asshole#trans#just 4 me#vent#ig
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Not crying and being guilt ridden again :))))))
#tgdposts#personal#when I can’t articulate to people around me so it results in my mind confronting me#(confronting is a strong word here but I digress)#about me struggling to make any decision regarding my future#and on a lesser note being guilt ridden when I’m unable to meet with people because I’m trying to be productive but then I’m unable to be#productive and oh why weren’t we able to meet up but if I share it it just seems like I was being fucking lazy and fuck I hate this#and fuck it’s hard to talk to my dad like he’s a nice guy but I know he doesn’t really understand and sometimes it’s just hard to explain#things with the weight they have in my heart you know?#it’s so hard to explain that I’m not just procrastinating or being a jobless useless bum I don’t even know how to bring that up#and even if doc gives me ideas things to help me those are still things I need to implement myself and that too is hard to initiate#and talking about all of it just makes me feel like a guilty useless shithead#and I know it’s not true but that doesn’t make me feel it any less#from the outside of my brain it just seems like I’m making up my own problems#how do you even talk about that#anyway#I’m going to bed now I’m tired#if you read this I appreciate you for listening to me#you guys are great#<3#mental illness#I guess might as well tag it as this#rant#vent#vent post#summer is lowkey my worst season mentally lowkey which is kind of sad if you think about it
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mgmgmmgmhnh
#the more i age regress the more i wanna caregiver :((((#i feel like i’m not able to fully regress by myself bc i’m a mostly secret regressor and have to be ready to be big again if my parents#want me#and also i have to take care of mysef and that takes me out of my headspace >:(#my friends who i’ve told are supportive but don’t seem to want to get involved with my agere#even when i accidentally partially regress around them they usually just talk to me like normal so i can’t fully regress around them either#which is fine bc that’s what they’re comfortable with!!!#i just wish i had someone who Was comfortable with stepping further into that space and helping me with it too#claire babbles#sowwy i feel like a lot of my posts have been complaining#‘s just hard
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it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me
#nothing is done!! not my applications not my interviews etc#I am running out of time to graduate in June and I could just graduate in august but then I have to admit to my family that I fucked up bad#it takes 3-6 weeks to get IRB approval I need to step on it#it’ll take at least 4 for my paid leave forms for work to go through and I don’t know if it’ll get approved#and if it does when do my benefits start#I feel like an idiot where those forms are concerned because it needs an occupation code and I don’t know if it’s specific#or if I can just select the one that best matches my job description and I can’t find that info anywhere#my body is literally shutting down I have two golf ball sized tumors and I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep#my car is kaputt and I have to call several different shops to get it seen because the one I took it to couldn’t fix it#and is any of it worth it!! is any of it!!#I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful#like yeah! obviously I want to graduate in June! but my research isn’t even approved because I haven’t been able to get myself#to complete the application for the last six months! Jesus Christ!#I can’t sleep and I’m so tired I’m so so tired my brain just straight up isn’t working!#I swear to god if I finally meet with my advisor and he does his well you don’t seem to need my help bullshit again#I’m gonna actually snap and kill him#anyway. need to do three things by end of Wednesday. just three things#clean. irb. and paid leave. that’s it that’s all.#it’s what I’ve tried to do the last four days and I’ve accomplished none of it but. Jesus Christ it’s gotta get done#FOUR THINGS I have to call the shop to get an estimate for a car I’m not even going to bother to fix#ok vent session over#delete later#fkdjdjshhaa im a MESS#sprite save me 😭#save me sprite. save me
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Okay but are dating apps hard for everyone to use? I literally have to sit and agonize over swiping right on someone for days. I gotta mentally map out every potential conversation and subsistent 50 years of marriage I could have with the stranger based on the allotted paragraph bio.
#I always other think this#or I don’t swipe because what if someone more like me is behind this person#I got one of those superswipes from someone who is very handsome and seems like A Lot and I had to wait 48 hours thinking about every#possible personality they might and and all branching conversations we could have from each of those#also I can’t help but think people either misswipe or have ill intentions if they like me because. what’s wrong with you. why#god I really wish I had fallen head over heels in love with bumble guy. he was perfect in every way.#employed. didn’t live to work though. in a book club. extraordinaryily handsome. exceedingly kind and understanding. identical interests.#and yet it wasn’t even a friendship I craved or mourned when I realized we hadn’t spoken in a week.#I wonder why that happens. he should have been a perfect friend. but meh.#hhhhhhh I just like looking at all the pretty pictures and reading peoples bios#why do I bother to swipe it’s so anxiety inducing.#actually I do know why I swiped. I’m reading Helen Hoangs new book and it’s inspired me figure myself out and grow as a person while#meeting the absolute perfect person right off the bat and with no effort#which is funny because clearly I’m suspicious and distasteful of people who like me lmao. so why do I want that aalskshaka#anyway. late night rambling. hhhhhh. perfect person fall out of the sky so I don’t have to take these tiring baby steps 😩
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I think it’s true that educational institutions are not set up to support people with ADHD and other forms of disabilities and I would never judge someone else for failing out of college but it’s still hard for me to apply that to myself when I feel like it’s still true that I could be trying harder and if I were a better person I would just force myself to focus, and I don’t feel like I have no control over it because sometimes I have been able to do that. And even with extensions I don’t turn things in on time these days, I feel like I need time pressure to have any hope of getting things done so I don’t know what kind of accommodation would even help at this point
#intellectually I believe that ‘laziness’ is largely not real#but I can’t help but feel like I’m lazy#although I comfort myself by the fact that when it comes to jobs that don’t require focus and organizing your own time#I do work hard#even though I don’t think going overboard for a company that doesn’t care about you is a badge of honor#idk I just hate myself for my uselessness in school but it never seems to sufficiently motivate me#no matter how mad at myself I am#and right now I find it really hard to focus on anything because of everything that’s going on in the world#even though I know that failing out of school over it won’t help anybody#personal
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