#and yet it wasn’t even a friendship I craved or mourned when I realized we hadn’t spoken in a week.

[icterid-rubus]

Okay but are dating apps hard for everyone to use? I literally have to sit and agonize over swiping right on someone for days. I gotta mentally map out every potential conversation and subsistent 50 years of marriage I could have with the stranger based on the allotted paragraph bio.

[muffinapologist]

Birthday Cake

On A03

warnings: moralitwins, platonic demus, platonic logicality, platonic loceit, graphic depictions of baking cakes, mental breakdowns. angst and fluff.

When it comes to ‘birthdays’ Janus is more inclined to agree with Logan. As sides of one personality they don’t truly have birthdays. Their birthdays, like the rest of them, were constructs. Closer to anniversaries than actual birthdays. No real reason to celebrate.

No reason to get all depressed and angsty when one spends it alone.

February 3rd, the anniversary of when Janus started appearing in Thomas’s videos. The anniversary of when the man first became aware of the deceitful side.

This would be his third year celebrating such a date as his ‘birthday’. So, really, it isn’t too much of a shock to the system for it to also be the first year since then that he’s spending February 3rd alone. Two years in a row is hardly a tradition make.

Not like before, celebrating June 6, as close to a real birthday as anything could be for a side. The day he first formed. He remembers it more clearly than a side like Logan, or Virgil would. Because he wasn’t formed over months and years. It had happened rather suddenly, actually.

But there was no need to reminisce over lost childhood. It has been decades (nearly plural). And Janus isn’t about to spend his day sentimental over spilled batter and the sound of bubbling laughter.

Nor will he spend it mourning the loss of hands over his eyes--scratchy material of long sleeves against his nails--that warm and familiar obnoxiously flamboyant voice declaring “happy birthday Janny”. Over the reveal of some monstrous cake that absolutely did not taste delicious anyway.

So what if he and Patton didn’t celebrate the same birthday anymore?

So what if the ‘light’ sides abhorred his existence? (well, with the exception of Logan who insisted he was neutral)

So what if Remus was a bit sour over being used for Janus’s plans?

It is what it is. Janus does not feel sorry, he does not regret anything. He got what he wanted. He got his seat at the table.

Today is a day like any other. Not a birthday. His birthday is June 6th . He doesn’t have a birthday.

He doesn’t need to be on good terms with his brother; Patton is willing to work with him and that’s all Janus needs to gain a foothold. He doesn’t need the friendship of the lightsides. Remus will forgive him eventually.

Lies come easily to Janus, always have. He lies to the others, he lies to Thomas, and he lies to himself. He tells himself these lies on a loop the moment he realizes Remus isn’t going to even say ‘hi’ let alone his usual insistent celebration.

(and Janus has always wondered, how the others had so easily forgotten that aspect to Remus; the loyalty, the love. Perhaps his way of showing it was a tad… disgusting. But he had somehow found a way to love Janus for all his faults.)

Janus lies to himself and insists that it is not at all significant that he’d done something bad enough to drive even Remus away.

At some point he convinces himself he needs cake. That's what’s missing. All this birthday nonsense has given him a craving , that’s all. So what if Remus wasn’t here to make one? Janus could do it on his own. He was an adult, perfectly capable of baking a simple pastry.

He lands on the page in their old cookbook for a ‘funfetti’ cake (a plain vanilla cake recipe with additional instructions scribbled over it in blue crayon) and tells himself he selects it for its simplicity.

It absolutely does not fill him with a hollow longing feeling.

“Don’t stir so fast it’s going to--”

The warning does not come nearly soon enough to stop the enthusiastic over-stirring that causes cake batter to splash everywhere.

Patton halts, gives him a lopsided sheepish smile “sorry Jan”

“S’okay Patt. You know what they say; no use in crying over spilt batter.”

“Isn’t it spilt milk?”

“No, i’m certain the saying is batter.”

When Janus feels his eyes sting he tells himself it’s the sun in his eyes, and he closes the kitchen’s blinds to block out some of the light.

Cakes are simple, really. Straightforward. Eggs, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder.

Rainbow sprinkles.

Sometimes Janus wonders if that’s why he struggles so much with baking, straightforward is against his nature. The batter looks wrong, he can already tell it won’t turn out. But he pours it into a greased cake tin regardless. Because the longer he spends on this endeavor the longer he can pretend that his problem is a lack of cake.

“What is that monstrosity?” Janus asks, with exasperated fondness.

“Cake!” Remus declares proudly, as if not sensing the disgust in the other’s tone (or possibly simply preening at it)

“It looks like something’s already eaten it”

“Aww, thank you Janny!”

“Do I have to eat this?”

“Yes” a pause and an eyeroll “Don’t be dramatic snakey, it’s all decoration. It’s a real cake underneath.”

“Thank you Remus”

“Happy birthday Jan”

Janus decides it’s a bit too pathetic, even in his current state, to watch the cake baking in the oven. So he preoccupies himself with cleaning up the preparations. Slowly, because the sooner he finishes the sooner he has nothing to do and he cannot be left with his thoughts right now.

It doesn’t matter, no matter how he stretches it out, he can’t possibly clean for the entire duration of the cake’s cooking time. So he makes frosting. Something he wasn’t originally planning on bothering doing. But you know what they say about idle hands...well, something or other about the devil.

Mixing frosting is also straightforward. Softened butter, milk, vanilla, confectioner's sugar.

Rainbow sprinkles.

“The sprinkles go on the frosting, not in it.”

“But there’s even more sprinkles if we do it both ways. Besides, it’s our recipe. We can make it however we want right?”

“Careful Patt, you’re turning into a rebel.”

Patton sputters and Janus laughs.

The frosting turns out better than the cake, slightly lumpy but speckled with color. Janus covers the bowl with cling wrap and sets it in the fridge while the cake cools on the counter.

Baked, the cake doesn’t look so bad. Although it does fall apart as Janus removes it from the tin. Distantly, he remembers some baking show Thomas watched-while extremely bored and procrastinating- had mentioned to wait for the cake to cool before removing it from the tin. But it’s too late now. He can always plaster the pieces together with frosting later.

No one other than Janus himself is going to see the cake anyway, who cares if it’s ugly as sin?

Janus does have enough sense, however, not to attempt any frosting related reconstruction while the cake is still hot. Cleaning up the mess from making the frosting doesn’t take very long, especially since he can’t clean out the bowl just yet. (he is able to clean out the cake tin but due to the baking spray there’s not much to scrub and he’s done in minutes)

“Happy birthday,” Logan-still called Curiosity rather than Logic at that time-holds out a poorly wrapped gift, one for each of the twins. One with yellow paper and the other with blue.

Janus briefly considers not opening his at all, even with the lack of skill it’s probably the prettiest gift he’s ever seen.

But Patton rips into his and soon Janus gives in as well.

“Thank you Lo,” Patton jumps with excitement and wraps his arms around the Curious side. Janus repeats the sentiment, with only marginally less enthusiasm.

It’s just the three of them for right now. A happy little family on June 6th.

Patton would have celebrated his birthday on January 15th this year, Janus’s mind supplies without permission and without warning, just as he had for the past five years. He wonders, before he can stop himself from doing so, if Patton ever feels the same sense of wrongness on January 15th as Janus feels on February 3rd.

Unlikely. Patton seemed perfectly content to forget that he has a twin.

That was their long standing lie. One that still joined them together as equal participants. Patton was morality and Janus was deceit and that was that. Nothing more to see here folks. Move right along.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed, and the cake on the counter is still warm to the touch, but Janus figures that not losing his sanity further is worth some melted frosting; so he starts piling it on anyway. When it melts and slides off he just layers more on.

The benefit to this-objectively awful-approach is that it requires three times the amount of time than frosting a cake like a competent person would. As far as Janus is concerned, the more wasted time the better. The closer the clock ticks to February 4th the closer he is to being relieved from his not-birthday.

No amount of decorations can save the cake at this point, but Janus tops it with more rainbow sprinkles anyway. Because it’s what Patton would have done. Because it’s something to do to take up a little more time.

When it’s finished, though; when Janus has cut himself a piece, setting it on the counter; it doesn’t get tasted. Ofcourse, Janus had known from the beginning that he wasn’t really craving cake. That he didn’t even particularly like sweets, and the only reason he associated cake with birthdays was because people always insisted he partake.

And it wasn’t cake that made those moments sweet.

It’s a good thing he’s alone, Janus tells himself, when he stares at the drooping, crumbling cake and thinks ‘well isn’t that just a metaphor for my entire existence’ and can no longer hold back tears.

So much for Patton being the cry baby.

“Oh”

The sudden sound of someone else’s voice most certainly does not make Janus jump.

Patton looks a bit awkward, clutching a plate with an equally disastrous looking cake on top. White with rainbow sprinkles. Funfetti. Janus has just enough awareness to flush with embarrassment and wipe the tears from his cheeks.

He clears his throat and straightens his cape slightly. “Can I help you?”

Patton opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again. He appears to be thinking really hard about something and Janus is about to say something about not needing pity when Patton finally speaks;

“I miss spending our birthday together.”

“It’s not our birthday,” comes Janus’s immediate reply.

“I know.” Patton replies.

They stare at each other a moment longer before Janus motions for Patton to take a seat at the counter. The father figure does, and the reptilian side slides his untouched piece of cake towards the other. Patton gives him a slice of his own cake, and both twins eat in silence for a moment.

Janus cuts through the silence this time, with a sly grin “Patt, this is the worst cake I’ve ever tasted.”

“Really? Because I think yours is pretty good,” Patton replies. “In fact, I think it’s maybe the best cake i’ve ever had.”

Janus gives him a skeptical look, but digs his fork into the remains of the cake he baked to taste it. The frosting is grainy and off-putting and the cake is crumbly and dry and he barely avoids coughing afterwards. “You’re getting better at lying.”

“I learned from the best,” Patton jokes back. “But I mean it. I think it’s the best cake i’ve ever had. It tastes like...not being alone anymore.”

“That’s a lot to put on a cake.” Janus retorts. He’s never been especially good with sentimentality.

Patton just shrugs in response.

“Hey Patt?”

“Yeah Jan?”

“On June 6th let’s just order a cake.”

Patton gives a snort-laugh hybrid. “Yeah, that’s probably for the best.”

-----

When Janus knocks he’s somewhat surprised he even gets an answer. He supposes it shouldn’t be surprising, Remus may be mad at him but he’s not cruel. Still, the creative side glares at him.

“What?”

Janus holds the road-kill esque funfetti cake out to Remus. His best friend. “I’m sorry, Re. I…”

He’s not good with apologies, either, but apparently, that’s enough; because he’s pulled into an immediate-sticky-hug.

“Happy birthday Janny.”

[treatian]

The Chronicles of the Dark One:  The Dark Curse

Chapter 157:  What He Felt

Simple things were beginning to have an effect on him. Little things that he found Belle did for him were beginning to drive him crazy, and not in a bad way. Fantasizing about her was one thing. Noticing her beauty, craving her body; it was a male human thing that he could easily dismiss. Enjoying their conversations and her company was something he could just as easily explain away after years of solitude without a friend in the world. But what came after Baelfire's birthday, the thoughts that followed that terrible night were not as easy to dismiss or explain.

He began to wonder what it would be like to kiss her.

And not in the way that he'd imagined it in his fantasies, which was always hot and heavy and filled with desire and passion. Those things were not absent in what he imagined now, but what he was thinking about wasn't about sex or relieving any kind of need that he felt. No, he was wondering about what it would be like to kiss her, to touch her in normal everyday moments. He was wondering how it would be to show her, remind her regularly how he felt about her not with words but with actions. What he felt...what the hell was it that he felt?!

This new phase had started when she'd left him that night with Baelfire, just after she'd lit the candle on the altar again. For one brief moment, before she'd slipped through his fingers, he'd wondered what it would be like to reach for her hand, to smooth his thumb over the back of her knuckles, then draw her down to him for a kiss. But not one that led to any kind of sexual fantasy, just one that acknowledged his gratitude. A kiss that told her he was hurting, but reassured her he was alright; he just needed to feel the hurt for a while. Then she would wrap her arms around his shoulders and let his head fall onto her stomach in a simple embrace before she left him once more to his mourning. He wondered what it would be to be with her in a way that invited such touches, where she might reach out and touch his shoulders just to let him know she was there. What it might be like on just an average ordinary day to catch her by the waist, kiss her firmly on the mouth, and then let her go back to her chores as if such exchanges were common or typical between them.

Thoughts like that were deadly. But perhaps even more deadly was the curiosity he suddenly had concerning what she thought of him. Suddenly he found himself wondering what, if anything, she felt for him. If this friendship they'd been developing was how she treated everyone she knew or if it was limited to him. And worst of all, he wondered if she ever went to bed at night and thought of him the way that he thought of her. If she had urges to touch and kiss the same way that he did.

The problem, of course, was her eyes. It wasn't her body, perfect as it was, or her voice, intoxicating as her conversations could be. It was the fact that he'd never known eyes like hers. Soft and yet sharp at the same time. They were friendly, and yet with the right look they cut him right down to the bone, leaving him feeling like all that he was was bared and shaking in the cold as she found the heart he was certain had died long ago made it beat again. It was a problem. Just as it always had been.

The trouble was that now he was having a hard time staying away from her. He still managed when he had to. He left during the week, went out and conducted his business, checked in on the necessary players in his games; but even when he was gone or busy she filled up his senses. He brought her books from the places he'd gone and delighted in her guessing at where he'd been and what he'd been doing. And then there were times like last night, when he'd come back from his trip and sought her out to inform her...he'd found her asleep in her tower instead. His mind had wandered. Again. What would it be like to sit at her side, to brush his fingers over her cheek, to wake her with a kiss? Would her eyes light up when she saw he was back? And, just like that, just when he started feeling like she was washed from his system, she infected him all over again just by being alseep! He'd only just barely managed to drape a blanket over her to keep her warm for the night and escape before he dared to try it. She was like a drug, nearly as effective as magic at making him feel complete inside. It was hard to ignore that and getting harder day by day to deny he was growing attached to her. Just as it was hard to deny how unhappy he was when it was her day to go to the market.

She'd been late to breakfast that morning, a good thing since it left her no room to ask him about the blanket she must have noticed she woke up with. Unfortunately for him, she was not late in getting her things together and preparing to go to town. The castle would be quiet in her absence; quiet and cold.

"Belle," he called out when he arrived in the foyer. He found her in the same place he did every week: the Great Room, struggling with the clasp for her cloak, just as she did nearly every week.

"Oh, there you are!" he smiled, wondering if she knew that this run-in was becoming a weekly occurrence. Did she know he wanted to see her off? Or did she just assume that he wanted to check to make sure her clasp was on correctly? "And so near the front door planning on leaving me?!"

"You know I wouldn't do that, Rumpelstiltskin," she sighed.

"No, certainly not, at least not while wearing that fastener."

"Don't be so dramatic," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "I'm just going to the market down the road. Unless you start spinning straw into meals, I still need food to cook with."

Oh, he was itching to correct her, so much so that he didn't even know where to begin! Should he remind her that he would have been happy to deliver food to her once more? That the market was not just 'down the road' but the mountain? The only thing that managed to keep his mouth shut was the fact that as he watched her struggle, there was something else he was itching to do, and it had nothing to do with conversation.

Before he could even question if he could ever be so bold, his fingers got the better of him, and he'd done it. He'd reached out, wrapped his arms around her shoulders, let himself get close enough to smell her hair, feel her muscles tighten at his presence, and her heart race…and then fastened the clasp properly. Her reaction to him fascinated him. She never pulled away, never acted as though she didn't want to touch him, but he could feel her surprise when he did. Was that excitement he heard in her heart? Or just a trick of his mind? What else could it be?

"Don't forget," he let himself whisper in her ear, "that fastener is enchanted. If you wander off, I'll know." Better yet, if something bad happened to her again, he would know immediately and be able to find her. She was safe.

"I made a promise to stay with you forever," she muttered back with just a hint of bite in her tone. "And I hope that someday you'll realize I'm a woman of my word."

"We'll see about that…"

He finally got the clasp to cooperate. It snapped perfectly into place for him and just on instinct, as he might have done with his son, he let his hands linger over her shoulders to smooth out the fabric before him. That was when she finally moved. She took a small step away and faced him, but didn't move out of his grasp, allowing him to keep his hands on her shoulders. She was a vision. The question he had to ask himself was what kind of vision was she. The present kind that he could admire for making the simplest of cloaks seem fitting for a queen? Or the future kind that he should be avoiding? What was the chance she was both? He moved quickly to pull the hood at her back up and over her hair, letting his fingers brush against her cheeks. She blushed. He might have if he wasn't…

If he wasn't this.

"Now, don't catch cold out there," he warned, pulling his hands quickly away from her and taking a few steps back. She was the present version of a vision. And if he was questioning that, then he was starting to let his fantasies get in the way of reality. Perhaps a little too much in the way. "The forest path is quite damp. We wouldn't want an illness interfering with your daily chores, would we?"

She smiled and shook her head with a small chuckle. "Definitely not," she chuckled gently before reaching for the basket at her feet. "We both know this place would fall into disrepair without me."

He let out his own chuckle as he opened the door for her. "I survived centuries before you, dearie, and I'll survive centuries after."

But he felt an ache in his chest even as he said those words. Worse, as she exited out the door and made her way down the steps, he'd caught her muttering something that he was certain he wasn't meant to hear. "Are you sure about that, Rumpelstiltskin?"

No. He wasn't. In fact, he was positive that what he'd told her was a lie and what she'd said was the truth. Without her, this castle was…well…it was dark. It always would be the Dark Castle, but with her around there was light and life and he found that he'd adjusted well to that in these last few months. How he would ever survive the loss of her…that wasn't something he should allow himself to think about.

He needed to get his head on straight. He needed to stop doing this, to stop letting her into his mind as he was. He needed to figure out a way to end what he was feeling. What he was feeling…

Just down the road, he saw her stop. She turned, glanced back at him and even though she was so distant he couldn't see her eyes, he felt his heart stop as she raised a hand and waved at him. He didn't return the gesture as she turned to go.

He was feeling things again. For a woman. What it was he was feeling didn't matter so much as the fact that he was simply feeling something for someone else other than his son. He hadn't done that in ages, not since Cora.

Cora…

He really needed to figure out what to do about this before it became the problem Cora had.

[scvereignty]

introduction i.

A D E L A I D E  W I N D S O R (  p r i n c e s s  o f  e n g l a n d  )

bespoke houndstooth blazers, watching your mare come second place, exposed lace garters, sipping from a bottle of warm champagne, grey skies, french erotica, a wet slip dress with nothing underneath, white roses, reciting passages by heart at parties, mascara-stained sheets, sitting by open windows despite the cold, black velvet, heavy books by pretentious authors, jewels at the breakfast table, the dirty hem of a long dress, hidden gardens, purple hickeys on pale thigh, smoking in secret, sleeping naked, perfect tennis whites & an immaculate backhand, bows in tangled hair, audrey hepburn films & grace kelly sensibility, placing their hand over your neck mid-kiss and squeezing hard, oversized sunglasses paired with red eyes and dark circles, never wearing the same coat twice, the weight of history, the shot that puts down a lame horse, perfect posture, lingerie and silk in the library, sucking whip cream off of strawberries, making love in the stable, watching the sunrise from the garden in an evening gown.

age: twenty-one

nicknames: di, rosie, little princess

sexuality: heterosexual ( publicly ) / bisexual ( private, exploring )

gender: cisgender female

title: her royal highness

( + ) elegant, graceful, intelligent, clever, intuitive, adaptable, creative, impulsive, sensual, motivated, self-confident, hard-working, mature, modest, reliable, outspoken ( - ) pretentious, aloof, melancholy, judgemental, private, elusive, deceptive, guarded, secretive, unforgiving, sensitive, affected, mistrusting, self-destructive, changeable, indecipherable

UNDER THE CUT : HISTORY, TRIVIA, & CONNECTIONS !

A BRIEF HISTORY ;

the youngest windsor & only princess of england!

i’m currently keeping her actual childhood/family background undecided until i get the chance to plot with her brother(s), but as per the connection description: the siblings were initially v close while their parents were rather absent

notably, adelaide & her brother james had an extremely special relationship. as the eldest and youngest of the brood, from the time adelaide was born, james’s affection for her was almost paternal in many ways — and she loved him to pieces.

literally, like, there are shots of james walking adelaide hand-in-hand into her primary school, and even as they got older, she considered him her best friend and biggest protector. this is highkey inspired by my own grandmother & how she describes her relationship w her own late brother uwu

a charming, odd child, who was labelled as an old soul very early in life. very well mannered and mature, but prone to somewhat unusual flights of fancy 

a lowkey trouble maker -- or rather, incredible adept at being subtle. with at least one wild elder brother, it was both easy to learn from their mistakes and appear innocent in comparison

as adelaide got older, that old soul developed some of the troubles they’re ought to. she craved art, passion, love, justice, intense emotion, experience. she engaged in these behaviours moderately and with subtlety, particularly in comparison to silas. she was/is less about wild partying and more about deep experiences, and as such there have rarely been any stories about the little princess and drinking/inappropriate behaviour

she had always had a changeable nature and was susceptible to bouts of depression, but the death of james hit her in a way she has yet to recover from. while the whole family was devastated, no one took it harder than adelaide, who to this day calls him the love of her life

for the two years since his murder, adelaide has been in a poor mental and emotional place. unable to fully move on despite the time that has passed, she has both retreated further into herself and sought out unhealthy methods of coping ( ie. the usual -- alcohol, travel, and occasionally drugs )

hence she’s chosen to come to genovia, a decision that surprised even her parents. remaining in london has kept her in the throes of mourning, so she hopes to let go of some of her grief by arriving somewhere new and attempting self care

reputation & aesthetics tend to be very immaculate and proper, so it’s often a surprise to those that find out the young princess has that darker, troubled, sensual side to her - that she can drink gin straight without wincing, or has bruises and hickeys beneath her silk blouse

has never had any desire to rule/never considered it an option, but instead focuses her life on the betterment of people but domestic to the uk and worldwide through charity & philanthropy

TRIVIA ; 

the nickname for her in the uk is “the english rose,” or several variants (“the little rose,” etc) due to her fair complexion & nature. her reputation is very princess diana-esque: a modern, classy woman who devotes her time to philanthropy & charity

considered a fashion icon! 

an extremely accomplished horse rider, considered one of the best competitors in britain despite not actively competing in years. she’s down showmanship, jumping, dressage, & eventing. yes, she is the horse girl

despite her tiny height, form, and general fairylike facial features, this girl can drink a surprising amount of people under the table. is this a sign of a Problem? CERTAINLY

if you think you are the most beautiful and/or incredible thing to walk this earth, she thinks you are incredibly stupid. she’ll name 14 pieces of art right NOW that are more interesting than ur looks 

makes a habit of calling out those that are arrogant/rude

she started smoking when she was fourteen. her parents still don’t know.

camilla macaulay, grace kelly, and princess diana are probably her biggest inspos

very accomplished liar - she has an incredible poker face

she wears a locket james gave her every day. he had it specially made with an inscription (either a quote from a little princess or the secret garden, i haven’t decided), but since then she’s had the other side inlaid with a photo of him :c

her favourite disney movie is alice in wonderland, which is also one of her favourite novels

PLOTS & CONNECTIONS ;

the best friend: self explanatory! very open to how their friendship came about and when, but someone who knows adelaide intimately, and one of the few that can still read her even when she’s putting on her otherwise immaculate facade

the no-good: someone that would have been her corrupter, perhaps, or thought to be -- until they realized she was not the delicate thing one would seem. could be friends with benefits, drinking buddies, someone who encourages self-destructive behaviours, or any combination of this.

the counsel: young as she is, adelaide knows herself intimately, and as such knows a great deal about women in general -- this muse is coming to her for advice on how to court mignonette (or another lady)!

the lionheart: a dear friend, and someone similar to adelaide insomuch as her old soul, maturity, devotion to philanthropy, etc. someone to either decry or poke fun at the triviality of so much around them

the skinny love: it’s been the wrong time since childhood. but it’s always been the right time to hold terrible affection for each other. how heartbreaking, to keep on watching but never kissing.

the charged: inspired by this gif set. the true terrible influence, unhealthy relationship, disaster in a glass bottle. they infuriate each other, say the worst things that can be said. then they let it out in bed -- or almost go. getting closer every time

the antagonist: preferably a princess or someone of noble enough birth that they could have attended the same academy in their teen years. alternatively, could just be a pair that runs into each other frequently at those fancy aristocratic events. ( x ) is someone that leans into that queen B(itch) trope, or otherwise is confident to the point of arrogance/is unphased by potentially offending others by saying what they want, when they want. adelaide, blank-faced over her glass, calls this person out for their behaviour. as such, an intense dislike starts to brood between the two

the affair: we talking sex, we talking scandal, we talking familial outrage. we can talk more about specific circumstances, but i am very solid on the aesthetic of That Scene in atonement: aka green dress, up against the library walls during a dinner party, walked in on at the perfectly terrible moment. my initial thought was that these two met for the first time when the windsor’s were hosting a dinner/ball/celebration or something in honour of this royal/important family, and adelaide and ( x ) had incredible chemistry -- or at least sexual attraction. it only takes a few hours and several glasses of champagne for them to end up in the library in an entirely compromising position before someone walks in on them and snitches to the family. the whole evening is absolutely ruined, both sets of parents in disarray, and while the press never hear why the night was the fiasco, there are now rumours of tension between the two families/nations. alternatively, this could have been started some time long ago and wasn’t 100% a one-off

the young love: adelaide’s longest relationship, which began sometime in late high school or early college and lasted several years. preferably someone of royal blood, because this was in many ways - especially aesthetically - the Perfect Relationship. not only was adelaide wildly in love with them, but their relationship was public, and the press considered it an incredible feat that a prince and princess would naturally begin dating. this kind of aesthetic, ja feel? everyone that knew them felt they would get married, including adelaide. but for whatever reasons you like, this little prince broke up with her, and subsequently broke her heart & dashed her dreams. prior to james’s death, this was the greatest pain she ever endured. still do this day if she references “my ex,” or compares a man to someone, it’s this guy. despite whatever time has passed between break-up and now, adelaide still treats him with some disdain -- she’s both still hurt, and still harbouring lingering affection for him.

the exploration: the first woman that made adelaide question her sexuality !! i’m open as to what this is, how it happened etc; whether anything physical occurred or they were merely flirtatious and physically close; if it was one-sided or reciprocated, etc.

[reddielibrary]

Just Whispers

Prompt: Eddie and Richie sleeping in a tent with the Losers. They’re in a tent with Bev and Stan. Eddie can’t sleep and wants to get in with Richie.

Written by: Ashley | @stephenskings

Word Count: 2578

Eddie pulled on the sleeves of the sweater he’d stolen from Mike before the Losers had all sat down to set up the fire. He had some fruit mixed-vodka drink in a glass bottle that Ben had sworn he would like pressed between his knees, unsipped and rapidly warming. This camping trip had been months in the working, everybody agreeing that it was of the utmost importance that they knock off their last summer as residents of Derry with a bang. They'd started getting everything together back in June, knowing it would likely take Eddie at least two months to get his mother to consent to the trip.

There was no way in hell that Eddie would have let himself have missed it. No matter how many fights it had spiked with Sonia, he’d known without anybody saying a single word that this would be the last time the Losers Club would all be together for months. Richie would be leaving for LA just two days after the trip was over, and everybody else would leave in rapid success after that. There was a thick, bitter tension in the air around them that seemed to promise that this would be the last time they’d all be together like this. Ever.

Richie Tozier was sitting on the ground, leaning backwards against Bev’s legs while talking animatedly with his hands. “I swear to God, William, if you don’t tell me a good ass scary story right the fuck now,” he was saying as Eddie tuned back into the conversation. “I will end my shit right here. Don’t fucking test me, bitch.”

Bill rolled his eyes, though his cheeks were glowing under the attention even in the dim light from the fire. Eddie had always thought of himself as Bill’s best friend- and this was a belief that been confirmed verbally to him on many occasions over the years- but there had always been some sort of deep bond between Bill Denbrough and Richie Tozier that Eddie was a little bit envious of. A connection that Eddie had always wanted to be part of, but had never been able to truly touch. The last two years or so, however, had brought Eddie and Richie closer together than Eddie had ever imagined they could be. The two boys had always had an interesting relationship, one of teasing and flirtations, and Eddie pretending to find Richie much more annoying than he actually did. They’d been friends, good friends, with a friendship that was always easy. Low maintenance, without expectations or regulations. Easy breezy friends who enjoyed one another’s company, but always traced their friendships back to only being friends in the first place because they ran in the same circle. That was until sophomore year, when simply being the last two awake at sleepovers had brought out a certain confidence in Richie that lead to whispers of fears he didn’t believe he could tell anybody but a half-asleep Eddie Kaspbrak.

Whispers of I think I might like both, and do you think that’s allowed? and Eds, am I a freak?  Eddie always believed it was because if Eddie had turned away from him in disgust, that Richie would’ve been able to square his shoulders and carry on in a way he wouldn’t if it were Bill or Bev that turned away from him. Whether the beliefs rang true or not, they had built up Eddie’s courage to whisper back in junior year.

I know that I don’t like both. I just like boys. I’m gay. Those whispers were what changed, brought Eddie and Richie onto more common ground. Onto a level of understanding, bringing out their own connection that they didn’t know that they could have. Senior year had only strengthened their relationship, brought them closer, and suddenly Eddie felt he spend nearly all of his free time with Richie Tozier. Talking about everything, while somehow constantly avoiding talking about that one real truth that hung above their heads. While they hadn’t vocalized these thoughts and feelings as louder than whispers to each other, Eddie saw the way Bev looked at them or the way Mike smiled while Richie teased him, and he wondered if maybe they know anyway.

It wasn’t to say that Eddie and Richie were together, not in a world like this… in a town like theirs. Not with Richie packing up and moving across the country for school while Eddie had to stay behind in Maine. So, no, Eddie and Richie were not together. They had barely even grazed hands outside of a platonic environment in longer than Eddie could remember. Even the childhood cheek kisses and pinches and flirting had stopped. Outside of “Eds” and the very occasional “Eddie Spaghetti”, Richie had even cut off most nicknames within the last few months. While Eddie did silently mourn them, he knew what the actions meant; putting that strong platonic edge on their friendship was Richie’s way of letting Eddie know the truth. Letting Eddie know that he felt the something more between them, too. There was a chance he and Richie could never be together, but Eddie could have that little soft bubble in his chest knowing they both felt it.

Eddie interrupted the story that Bill was telling about some sort of murderous clown, with a deep sigh. All eyes around the fire turned to look at him, Richie in particular jerking to attention. A soft expression came across Richie’s face, one meant for nights when only the two of them were left awake or when Richie sneaked into his bedroom window with red-tinged eyes. Not for sitting in front of a fire where all their friends could see him.

Richie seemed to realize the same thing as Eddie, quickly turning his worried frown into a Cheshire grin. “You tired over there, Eds? Sorry if we kept you up last night. Your mom was even louder than usual, she was just beside herself with how much she was gonna miss me this weekend.”

Eddie mocked vomiting. “Beep fucking beep, Trashmouth.”

Richie’s grin dimmed into something a little more genuine. One particular conversation at the beginning of senior year- one that may have involved a little too much alcohol- had revealed just how much Richie craved the childhood nickname. The use of the name Trashmouth, very similar to that of Bills stutter and Beverly’s love for black lipstick, had been grown out of around their first year of high school and nobody had never really given any thought to Richie possibly missing what was actually a somewhat mean name. A drunk Richie resting in Eddie’s lap after their friends had finally drifted off to sleep had told Eddie that exactly that, however.

It was a nickname, you know? I give everybody nicknames, y’know, cuz I love you guys. And Trashmouth was mine, cuz like.. Richie isn’t a real nickname. Trashmouth was my real nickname. But nobody uses it anymore. After that, Eddie had tried to find a way to wiggle the nickname in as much as possible, without getting weird and suspicious about it. It was worth it to see how Richie brightened every time he heard it.

“Sorry, Billy, I’m sure your demon clown story is great,” Eddie said, faking a yawn behind his hand. “But I’m fading fast over here. I think I’m going to head in. God knows I’ll be waking up with the sun.”

“Goodnight, Eddie,” Bill called cheerfully after him. Wrapping his arms tightly around himself, Eddie unzipped and ducked into the tent he was going to be sharing with Bev and Stan this weekend. He smiled slightly to himself, remembering the stink Stan had put up when they told him he’d be sharing with Richie, while everybody had known that neither boy would have wanted it any other way.

Hoping he was being subtle, Eddie rearranged the sleeping bags so that his was next to Richie’s and crawled in. Wrapping the terribly textured, loosely named “blanket” around him, Eddie forced his eyes shut and prayed that the sad, sickly feeling in his stomach was going to go away.   

They were walking down a dark hallway, the dim sounds of Bill and Bev talking from a distance that could be a different world. Richie was by Eddie’s side, surprisingly quiet, with their arms brushing as they walked. Something about the hallway seemed dimly familiar as though he’d been here before, but Eddie felt so hauntingly lost that it must have been another life.

“How’s this, Eds?” Richie said, voice basically a whisper in the echoing halls. Richie was close, yet his voice was so far away. Eddie could feel Richie touching him, but his voice still rang out through the hallway as though Richie couldn’t be anywhere near him. “Last time we let Big Bill choose our living arrangements.”

“We’re living here?” Eddie asked, looking around at the rotting walls and all the empty rooms they were walking past. Richie raised one brow at Eddie and chuckled, laugh bouncing off the walls and coming back- sounding almost terrifying and clown like.

“Yeah, Eds, pay attention much?”

Eddie frowned, looking around. He and Richie walked into the room sitting at the end of the hallway.  On the floor was a singular, dirty mattress. It looked as though it were coated in black goo, goo that had dripped down onto the floor. Eddie wrinkled his nose in disgust, shuddering as he followed Richie into the room. Richie tossed down a backpack that Eddie could have sworn he wasn’t carried moments before, onto the ground and turned to Eddie with a grin.

“This is our room,” Richie announced excitedly. Eddie looked around and started shaking his head.

“This house is so big,” Eddie said slowly. “Why are we sharing a room, exactly?”

Richie’s face dropped in disappointment, glancing down at the bed and his bag of belongings. “I… Eds…” He looked worried for a moment, but something at corner of the room caught Eddie’s attention. Heart jumping, he watched as some sort of creature that Eddie could describe as a clown, though the dripping black goo from his mouth and the wolf-like claws on its hands promised that it wasn’t any kind of human creature.

“What’s amatter, Eds?” The creature cooed in a high, attractive voice that made Eddie’s skin crawl. “Why don’t you tell Richie why you won’t share a bed with him? Tell him the truth, Eds. Eddie Spaghetti. Tell him.”

Eddie swallowed roughly, body trembling. Richie’s mouth was moving in front of his face, but the words were coming towards him as though he was deep under water while the creature’s words made it to Eddie’s ears while he wanted nothing to do with them.

“If you don’t want to tell him, maybe I should.” One of the wolf clawed hands came forward, wrapping around Richie’s throat. Eddie’s best friend didn’t seem to take notice of the hand around him, still calling out for Eddie’s attention. Eddie couldn’t respond to Richie, couldn’t bring himself to speak at all. Fear was deep inside Eddie’s blood stream, cooling it until it may very well have been frozen.

“If you won’t’ tell him, I’ll take care of ya,” the creature whispered to him, face pressing against Richie’s own. “I’ll blow you a dime… I’ll blow ya for free. We just need to get your little Trashmouth out of the way, if you don’t want him.”

Eddie opened his mouth, but could only bring out a small, choked noise. The creature’s face broke into a deep smirk, his claws beginning to dig into Richie’s throat. Blood started to drip from the edges of Richie’s throat, down, down towards his shirt. Eddie swallowed roughly, eyes watching the blood and unable to focus on anything else.

“Do you want him, Eds?” The creature hissed. “Can you tell him? Tell him, Eds, or you’ll lose him.”

Eddie let out a deep whine, and creatures hand jerked away. It brought out a deep flow of crimson that sent Richie dropping to the ground without a sound. Eddie cried out, the creature fading away with a chilling laugh. Eddie crawled across the floor, clasping his hands over Richie’s neck. There was a thick flow of blood coming from somewhere, but Eddie couldn’t find any source of bleeding.

“Eds….” Richie choked out, voice sounding more like gurgle than any words. “Eddie… I love you, Eddie. I love you.”

Eddie sobbed, pressing down on Richie’s throat as though he could put pressure on a non-existent wound as save Richie’s life. “It’s okay,” he whispered wetly. “You’re gonna be okay.”

“Eddie… Eddie…. Eddie!”

Eddie jerked awake with a loud gasp, breath laboured as he was about to launch into a asthma attack. Richie’s face was before his, worried and vulnerable but free of any blood.  Eddie exhaled hard, pressing a hand over his mouth as tears came into his eyes. “Richie…”

“Are you okay?” Richie whispered, reaching out and rubbing Eddie’s arm. “You were making all kind of noises, and not the sexy kind. Bad dream?”

“I…” Eddie breathed out. “Demon clown… I think.”

“Bill and his fucking stories,” Richie snickered. “I woke you because you seemed about five seconds away from screaming and waking up everybody in this stupid site. You know how Stanley gets if somebody wakes him up, I was saving your life.”

I was saving your life… Eddie’s heart clenched and he reached out for Richie. “Can I…” He hesitated, looking at Richie and his stupidly open expression. It was so like the Richie in his dream, the Richie who didn’t have a problem with them sharing a room. A Richie who loved him. “Can I get in with you? I don’t…”

Richie smiled and unzipped the side of his sleeping bag, Eddie nearly jumping out of his and into Richie’s. It was almost amazing how easily their bodies came together, Eddie’s leg slid between Richie’s and Richie’s arms came around Eddie’s mid-section. Eddie pressed his face against Richie’s neck, trying to force away the images of blood, and breathed in Richie’s scent.

“It killed you,” Eddie said softly, letting his arms reach up and squeeze at Richie’s shoulder blades. “You were bleeding, dying, and I couldn’t even tell you that I love you.”

Richie went stiff around Eddie for a second, and Eddie’s gut tensed with the realization of what his fearful and half-awake state had caused him to confess. Richie melted into Eddie’s touch after just a moment though, holding him tighter and pressing a lingering kiss to the top of his head.

“Get some sleep, Eds,” Richie said. “Tomorrow… tomorrow will come and maybe, maybe you’ll be able to say things you want to say. Things that we probably shouldn’t be saying tonight, with no sleep.”

“Are there things you want to say, Richie?” Eddie asked him lightly, his thumb rubbing at Richie’s shoulder blades. He could feel Richie’s breathing and it was slowly, but surely, drawing Eddie back into sleep.

“I would ask you to come to California with me,” Richie said in a hushed whisper. “Say that you shouldn’t stay with your mother, and you should come with me even if you’re not going to school. That I don’t want to leave you here with her. But I… I shouldn’t say that stuff.”

“Well,” Eddie said sleepily. “If you ever did say that stuff… I’d say yes.” Eddie feel asleep before he could hear if Richie responded.

[minijenn]

Crystal Falls: Reaching Out

Ye ye ye ye ANGST!!! Hey tbh this is the most  can do seeing as how the next actual canon chapter of UF is mostly fun humor (with some nightmare fuel thrown in I guess) so I gotta satisfy my craving somehow. Still, can you believe it took me only three days to push this  whole thing out? I was fucking MOTIVATED HAHAHA Now if you wanna know more about the context behind this AU, you can find all that here. And with all that outta the way, let’s get rollin with the (incredibly dark fair warning) angst storm!

Crystal Falls

Reaching Out

The concept of a “normal childhood” was a completely foreign one to both of the Pines twins, just as it had been to their uncles before them and to every other human born either into the conquest-hungry legacy of planet Earth or into the rebellion that had risen up to thwart one such conquest. The twins found their roots in the latter camp, even if their actual birthplace had been on Earth as opposed to the mostly peaceful Homeworld that had become their own home after their parents’ death. “Because where else were the next seeds of justice and peace to be raised but on the very planet we all swore our lives to protect?” Ford often boldly claimed throughout the twins’ younger years. Stan would usually just offer a playful scoff at his brother’s melodrama, Dipper and Mabel chuckling in amusement before running off to go play with Steven under the Crystal Gems’ lax supervision. And for the first few years, that’s what it was like; crystalline days, star-speckled nights, rousing tales of courageous battles gone by, laughter amidst streets filled with Gems bemused by their antics, comfort, happiness, friendship, family, and most of all, peace. Peace so hard fought for, so hard won. And of course, not at all destined to last.

Because when the twins were only five years old, that peace was shattered for them both the very same moment the glass of one of the shack’s windows shattered one night when they were asleep. The very moment it did, Stan and Ford were already on high alert, rushing to grab the confused, groggy younger twins and whisk them away to safety without even explaining what they were really running from. The threat soon made itself obvious, however, when the family emerged into the night, only to be adamantly pursued by a sizable group of masked figures. By their odd, militaristic outfits, it was clear that they weren’t Gems, and later the twins would find out exactly what their uncles had known from the moment this all began: that these assailants were Earthlings, sent to destroy the very last remnants of the rebellion left on Homeworld. In other words, them. A task that, against all odds, they unquestionably succeeded in in the worst of ways.

All it took was one tiny moment, one perfectly aimed shot at Stan’s exposed back for him to go crashing down, momentarily paralyzed by the blast as Dipper fell out of his arms. Despite his uncle's desperate attempts to convince him to flee, the young boy was just as stunned as he was, though more out of fear than anything else as their pursuers made their fast, final approach. ­­

Ford has already ran ahead of Stan with Mabel in tow, but he stopped and turned back around in an instant upon hearing Dipper’s distressed, pleading cry. Without hesitation, the former rebel began racing after the Earth loyalists as they started hauling his nephew away, despite his best attempts to struggle against them and Stan’s best attempts to move and stop this horrific kidnapping before it could even begin. Likewise, Ford shot after the assailants, trying his best to get a clean shot in that wouldn't end up harming Dipper. Tears had already started forming in Mabel’s eyes as she remained secure in Ford’s grip, while her brother was being stolen away from her right in front of her own eyes. Yet both of the twins, even as young as they were, had a dreadful feeling about how all this was going to turn out. And those fears soon came true as Mabel noticed Dipper reaching out his unrestrained hand to her, his eyes wide and wet with terror as his captors refused to relinquish their hold upon him. She extended her arm back out to him, the distance between them far too great for them to even come close to intertwining. Then, in a flash of what seemed almost like magic, the Earth loyalists disappeared into the night, taking Dipper right along with them.

Ford’s blaster hit the ground the moment they all vanished, his eyes wide with shock as he tried to figure out where they might have gone. But all the while, Mabel kept her arm reaching out, a tight sob escaping her as she realized her brother might never meet it again.

For seven years, she kept on reaching for him. It it was only after he finally returned that she found he had stopped reaching back.

“When are we going to find Dipper?” Mabel asked almost constantly within the first 24 hours after his abduction. Stan and Ford could only offer her the terse answer of “soon” as they continued discussing the matter with Rose, Pearl, and Amethyst, all of their voices in hushed, anxious whispers that neither Mabel nor Steven could really hear.

“When are we going to find Dipper?” Mabel asked after a week had passed. By now, almost all the Gems in Crystal Falls had gotten in on the intensive search for the missing boy, all of them more than happy to do anything they could to help two of the humans who were instrumental in saving their world. Things had been largely fruitless so far though; the Earth loyalists had been very smart in covering their tracks to the point that even the most astute Gems couldn't find so much as a trace. But still, Stan and Ford refused to let their mournful niece lose hope that her brother would be returned to her safe and sound. And so once again, they answered “soon” before tucking her into bed for what would no doubt be yet another sleepless night.

“When are we going to find Dipper?” Mabel asked after a month, an exasperated,almost frustrated sigh escaping her along with the question. This question had been a constant every single day now, usually aimed at Stan or Ford or one of the Crystal Gems. And as time went on and the bags under her uncles’ eyes grew darker and deeper and the Gems of Crystal Falls slowly began winding their search efforts down, the answer started to turn from a “soon” to a “we don’t know”.

“When are we going to find-”

“We’re not gonna find him!” Stan slammed his fist down on the table, his expression and tone rife with both grief and anger. A year had passed, a year that had felt like 20 to Mabel, and even if she was still only 6, the weight of just how incredibly long it had been since she had seen Dipper, since they had been happy and together was not lost on her. And yet, for the first time in 365 days, her fretful curiosity was not met with positivity or uncertainty. It was met with a no.

Needless to say that Ford was quick to counter his brother’s harsh reply with sharp disapproval, and soon enough they had launched into a fierce argument. Mabel simply curled herself into a tight ball, hugging her knees to her chest as she dolefully listened to her uncles fight, something that had become a very common occurrence over the past year. She was only half paying attention to their squabble as she settled into her own morose thoughts, but what she did pick up from their unrestrained argument unnerved her to the bone.

“It’s time to stop kidding ourselves, Ford! If he was still here on Homeworld we would have found him already! Chances are those lunatics probably dragged him off back to Earth a long time ago!”

“W-well, then we’ll build a ship! I’ll get Rose, Pearl, and Amethyst to help us! Maybe even recruit some of the other more technologically inclined Gems. We’ll go to Earth a-and bring him back, and-”

“And what?! You honestly expect us to survive ten seconds on Earth when we’re at the top of their most wanted list?! If Greg was still around, then maybe I’d think about it, but on our own? It’s a suicide mission for sure.”

“But we can’t just forget about Dipper, Stanley! Who knows what those… those barbarians have done with him?!”

“I haven’t forgotten about him! The kid’s pretty much the only thing I’ve been thinking about for the past year, but he’s not the only thing we have to protect around here. We gotta think about Mabel now, Ford. They already took one of ‘em; we can’t let them have them both.”

Ford’s half of the argument finally faltered at this, his shoulders sagging in defeat as he turned away bitterly, clearly fighting back tears. Stan let out a long, guilty sigh as he glanced over at Mabel, whose eyes were overflowing with questions about everything she had just heard. And while it had taken almost a year, Stan realized he had finally worked up the nerve to start answering some of them.

Explaining the concept of death to a child who had spent almost her entire life on a planet populated by beings who were practically immortal would have been a hard enough undertaking as it was. But explaining that such a thing could have happened to said child’s very own brother was something else entirely. And it was because of that, that Stan was completely unable to keep tears out of his eyes as he slowly, gently explained to Mabel that he believed the worst had happened to her brother, that their futile search was at last coming to an end, that their family was now forever fractured as a result. That, more than likely, Dipper was dead.

Except no, he wasn’t.

But he might as well have been.

Because from the very moment Dipper had been brutally torn away from his family, his entire life turned upside down in the most horrific of ways. As soon as they had gotten out of Stan and Ford’s immediate range, the Earth loyalists had wasted no time in showing just how ruthless they were by throwing their young captive to the ground roughly and binding him tightly before he could even think of trying to run away. From there, a very long, downright perilous journey commenced, one that Dipper was essentially dragged along the entire way for by his callously cruel captors. All too quickly, the familiar greenery of Crystal Falls started to fade out into the barren, yet mysteriously lovely crystalline scenery of Homeworld that lay beyond the sector’s borders. Needless to say that Dipper was overwhelmed with curiosity and fear about where these loyalists were taking him, but any meek attempt on his part to ask any questions was met with jeering silence, hateful warnings, or even the occasional hard slap or kick. Clearly, his uncles had underplayed just how malicious the Earthlings were in all their light hearted war stories; because these people were wicked, downright heartless even, in ways that Dipper had never in his young life been exposed to before.

As their lengthy trek dragged on into days, even his homesick tears were only met by mocking laughter, his pleas for freedom receiving only cold denial. But even so, Dipper held onto the hope that Stan and Ford would come after him; that they’d beat these brutes back and bring him home to be safe and sound with Mabel once again. Certainly there was no question that they’d come, that they’d find him, that they’d all be reunited as a family once more. Perhaps they were already on their way even as the Earth loyalists continued pulling him across Homeworld’s dry, empty landscapes. He just had to be patient, to keep on hoping, and soon enough they’d be there. He just knew it.

Eventually their travels came to an end as they reached what ended up being a rather well hidden tunnel that led deep underground. Dipper had never really been afraid of the dark, but there was no denying the sudden terror coursing through him as he was shoved into this foreboding darkness, almost as if something inside of him knew that if he went in there, he wouldn’t be coming back out. The trip through the tunnel didn’t last too long before it ended at a large, square room, all four of its towering walls oddly composed of large mirrors, with a small opening in the ceiling high above providing the room’s only natural light. Dipper couldn’t make sense of this bizarre set up as he was shoved into it, the wall to the tunnel closing off behind him and leaving him cornered alone with his captors.

And if he had thought things had been bad before, this was where everything became unimaginably worse.

In a sense, it was almost as if the Earth loyalists didn’t know they had captured a mere child based on how they treated him. Because the unprovoked, merciless beating they gave their young captive in those first few hours would have been horrific enough for an adult. But for a child, it was so, so much worse. Dipper was completely powerless to stop any of the senselessly aggressive blows landed upon him by the much larger adult loyalists, each one of their attacks carrying some kind of venomous slur: “Rebel scum should have been mutated with the rest of them.” “Filthy traitor, just like the rest of his disgusting family.” “If only we’d gotten the girl too, Cipher would have rewarded us twice as much.” And so on and so forth for what seemed like ages until it finally stopped, though it hardly felt like it was over. Dipper could barely move at all as he lay in a crumpled heap on the ground, his own blood pooling around him as he tried to block out the triumphant laughter of his captors, tried to ignore the biting pain that was everywhere, tried to imagine his family breaking that wall down, rushing in and sweeping him off to warmth and safety and away from this waking nightmare.

A nightmare that simply refused to end.

Almost as soon as the beating ended, the interrogation began, though it was nothing better. If anything it was worse, seeing as how the loyalists kept hounding him and hounding him with questions he simply didn’t have any answers for. “Where is the leader of the rebellion?” “Are there more of you filthy rebels out there?” “What kind of weapons are your uncles holing up in that base of theirs?” “How many of those pathetic Gems are allied to your side?” And again and again and again, endless questions that made no sense to him, ones he couldn’t even think to come up with anything for in his battered state that only got worse as he was physically punished for each and every wrong, unknowing answer.

And so it went on like this for quite some time. It was hard to keep track of time in this minimal mirrored space, but Dipper tried in the rare moments whenever his captors weren’t abusing him. By his estimation from the light pouring in from the ceiling, several days had passed, probably more, and still no sign of Stan, Ford, or anyone making even an attempt to save him. But even so, despite how terrible things were, he was still hopeful. Maybe they were just having a difficult time finding him; perhaps they were searching the entire planet over, all in a desperate attempt to learn where he was being held. So he continued to carry that hope, forced it to be the only thing he thought of when the loyalists lay their unforgiving hands on him.

But hope could only get him so far.

Days started to turn into weeks and the loyalists were clearly starting to get impatient with the lack of information they were getting from their young captive. Miraculously, the beatings had lessened, though only because they had realized that they’d probably end up killing him if they kept at it with as much frequent intensity. But the loyalist leader was adamant. He often complained about having been assigned to simply “babysit some rebel brat”, and it was clear he was growing tired of such a doldrum lot. And though the other loyalists warned him against it, he soon decided to take matters into his own hands.

He stormed into the cell lividly one day, a long knife in his hand as he caught Dipper wistfully staring up at the light from above. The leader sneered coldly, quickly catching the boy’s attention and prompting him to scramble to his feet and back away in a fearful, feeble attempt to put some distance between himself and his captor. “Aw… what?” the leader scoffed, his leering smirk hidden behind his concealing mask. “You think your uncles are gonna come swoop in here and save you? Please.” The leader laughed darkly as he suddenly kicked Dipper cleanly in the stomach, knocking him back roughly before he grabbed him by the front of his shirt and forced him up to his level. “Face it, kid: those has-beens aren’t coming for you. And can you really blame them? Look at you? Scrawny, weak, pathetic. Who would even want you? If we were back on Earth, then you’d have been somebody’s target practice by now. You’re a waste, just like this entire worthless planet is. But hey, if you wanna keep staring up at the sky with that pointless hope of yours, then be my guest! In fact…” the leader’s voice dropped low and sinister as he lifted his knife, eliciting a small, fearful whimper out of Dipper as he held it dangerously close to his face. “I’ll even help you get a better view!”

In a movement so fast Dipper couldn’t have even seen it coming, the leader lashed his blade out, its sharp tip catching the upper half of his face before swiping across his eyes in a swift, fluid movement. The boy was powerless to hold back an absolutely agonized scream at this, pain overwhelming his every sense as the leader carelessly dropped him with a sadistic chuckle, watching him writhe in anguish as the heavy wound poured with thick, dark blood. In a pathetic attempt to block out the pain, Dipper closed his cut eyes as much as he could, sobbing miserably as he forgot about everything else but the anguish, so deep and so unbearable that it eventually ended up sweeping him into the void of unconsciousness altogether.

He didn’t know exactly when it was that he opened his eyes again; but when he did, he was met with nothing but both lasting pain and the sight of complete and absolute nothingness. There was no color, no shapes, nothing. And yet, he could still feel the ground below him, could hear his own sharp, panicked breathing as clear as day. So why couldn’t he see?

And then it struck him. The memory of a knife ripping across his eyes. His sight being torn away from him at that horrible moment. The blood still stuck to his face from the wound running almost entirely across his face. The incredibly crippling fear that he would never see anything ever again.

Stan had used a word for such a condition before, but Dipper was hard pressed to remember it. Blonde? Blunde? Blind? Blind sounded the most correct out of those, so that was what he went with to describe the unfamiliar sensation, but it still hardly helped him feel better. Because now, all he could do was weakly pull himself up to sit and try to feel his way around, grasping at nothing but empty air before finally reaching the smooth surface of one of the mirror walls boxing him in. As he touched it’s cold exterior, Dipper couldn’t help but feel as though something else was wrong too, aside from the horrific fact that his eyes seemed to no longer work. For the first time since he had gotten here, the room was completely silent. No sound of jeering loyalists, or threatening footsteps or anything else really. His non-existent vision was useless in giving him any actual information, but as far as he could tell without it, the loyalists were gone. He waited in silence, unable to tell how much time had passed anymore with all sense of light now stolen away from him, for those footsteps to return, for their wicked mocking to resume, for the pain he had grown so accustomed to by now to continue but… it never did. He could have waited for years and they never would have returned. And after about what felt like a month or so, Dipper finally allowed himself to feel some form of relief from that.

That relief was short lived however as he realized that the loyalists had essentially abandoned him in a prison he had no power to escape from even when he did have his eyesight. But now, as blinded and weak as he was, he was even more trapped than ever before. The only way he managed to actually survive was through the small constant trickle of water that came in through a pipe installed at the corner of the cell. As far as food went, it was rather sparse for the first few weeks, with the only thing he had to rely on being the scraps of bread he had wisely managed to save from whatever meager helpings the loyalists had thrown his way. Still, as time went on and that supply started to run out, he quickly began to fade. His injuries, while slowly healing on their own, were still not properly treated and his stomach was filled with only a deep, aching hunger that the tiny scraps he was trying his best to preserve could not satisfy. But still, he knew he had to hold out; Stan and Ford and Mabel were coming to save him, he had to keep reminding himself. They were coming to save him and take him home and he didn’t even care if he wouldn’t be able to see them because just hearing his sister’s voice again would be enough.

And so he sat tight in that cell, sitting directly under the light from above, his unseeing eyes staring off at nothing as he spent his empty time repeating that hopeful mantra to himself over and over and over again. “They’re gonna come…” he began in a whisper, his voice hoarse and shaky from a lack of use but even so he kept going. “They’re gonna come find me… They’re going to save me… T-they… they do want me… They’re coming… They’re on their way here right now… T-they’ll be here soon… I… I know it...”

Many days were spent like this, with him whispering these gentle, but comforting promises to himself, desperately clinging onto the idea that they were real, that they would come true. That they were more than just an empty, meaningless dream.

His energy soon started to wane more and more each day as his stock of food grew dangerously low. With not even enough strength left to remain sitting up, he eventually resorted to lying in place, though his self-reassurance didn’t stop. Occasionally, whenever he’d fall asleep, he’d find himself back home in Crystal Falls, bright and happy and colorful as he sat at the dinner table with Mabel, Stan, and Ford, all of them laughing warmly as they ate deliciously to their hearts’ content. And then, he’d open his eyes once again and be met with absolutely nothing once more, his heart and hopes sinking lower and lower every single time.

However, it was during one of these wistful dreams that his usual empty routine was abruptly interrupted. Upon feeling something unfamiliar brush against his leg, Dipper flinched awake, instinctually glancing down only to bitterly remember sight was no longer a privilege he had. So instead, he reached down, feeling his way as he often did until he made contact with the small, brightly chirping creature who had happened to invade his cell. The more he felt this seemingly amicable being out, the more he realized its bumpty round hardened surface felt… familiar. In fact, the more he thought about it, this thing seemed to be exactly like the small, friendly Geodite creatures that the forests of Crystal Falls were littered with. The thought of home was enough to elicit a small smile from Dipper as he forced himself to sit up, despite the painful protest his starving stomach gave him, so he could properly greet the first real semblance of company he had in quite some time.

“Hey there, little guy,” he began, his voice still rather weak as he allowed the friendly Geodite to crawl into his lap as he continued stroking it. “You’re a long way from home, aren’t you? I know what that’s like… How did you get in here? Did you climb down from all the way up there?” The Geodite, seeming to understand, let out a bright chirp in response, one that Dipper couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at. Even though it wasn’t much, the very thought of not being so alone anymore managed to brighten his spirits just a bit. But at the same time, it also made him think of something else, something he hadn’t before. Something that could very well finally end up being his ticket out of here. “Wait… you came from up there…” he nodded upward, wishing so much that he could see that promising beam of light once more. “That means… you could go get help! Quick! Go back up there and find my Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford! A-and Mabel too! Especially Mabel… I… I miss her so much… I wonder if she misses me too…”

The Geodite interrupted his pensive thoughts with an excitable chirp as it suddenly lept from his lap, scurrying away until the only thing Dipper could make out were its clattering footsteps as he began walking against one of the mirror walls. It stopped somewhere above him, chirping encouragingly this time as Dipper frowned and shook his head sadly. “I… I’m sorry… I can’t see you… o-or anything really…” The Geodite simply chirped again before its skittering continued until it gradually disappeared into silence, leaving Dipper to morosely realize that he was left alone once again.

Or so he thought; for just a few hours later, the Geodite finally returned, though it wasn’t alone. Several more seemed to follow it, all of them cheerfully “singing” as they made their way down to Dipper, who was admittedly confused as one of them seemed to push something towards him. It was only as he picked the object up and felt out its soft, smooth, sweet-smelling texture that he excitedly realized exactly what this was. “Fruit!” he gasped in shock, not hesitating to take a generous first bite. Its immediate sweetness filled him with immeasurable relief as he realized that he was actually going to have something resembling decent food since his capture. Yet the Geodites weren’t finished yet, for as he gave them his wholehearted thanks, they presented him with even more pieces of fruit, as well as nuts and even a few vegetables. Needless to say that Dipper was quite confused as to where they had ascertained all this food from seeing as how such plants (or any plants really) weren’t native to Homeworld, which left him to assume that a terraformed sector, much like Crystal Falls, couldn’t have been too far away from wherever his underground cell was. But even so, the Geodites didn’t stop off at one delivery; they kept their self-started food service going, supplying Dipper with as much food as he could hope to eat.

It took a little time, but eventually his energy, as well as his drive returned to him, inspiring him with the motivation to try and finally find a way out of his cell. Even if he was essentially stumbling in the dark, he still walked along the perimeter of the room, feeling his way against the glass walls in the hopes that one of them wielded a door. Unfortunately, there were all completely seamless, with no apparent exit in sight which only left him with one other option: trying to break the glass itself. And so he tried and tried and tried and tried but it never seemed to so much as even crack. Even throwing one of the willing Geodites into it did nothing to dent his longtime prison. After weeks and weeks, his escape efforts started to diminish along with his hope. Even if he did have suffice food and water and company, he still lacked the one thing that he was yearning for the most, something that he hadn’t known for so very long that he was starting to forget what it even felt like: freedom.

Every now and then he’d give himself that reminder that his family was still out there looking for him, but that was starting to become less and less frequent as the days went by. When the Geodites first came to him, he’d pass the time by recounting what stories he could remember from before his capture, stories of him and Mabel and all the fun they used to have together but as time went on, those stories started to blur within his memory. He held no question in his mind about Mabel and his connection to her or Stan or Ford, but the specifics seemed to be fading away as months passed on into years. And as those years came and went so too did the hope that he’d ever step foot out of that cell.

But certainly, he tried to reason with himself amidst empty days only occasionally broken by a Geodite generously delivering him his next meal, they were still looking for him.

Certainly, he rationalized as his blank, blinded eyes stared at the ground in front of him, his mind starting to forget what things like color, light, or even his own sister’s face even looked like, they would be coming any day now.

Certainly, he thought as he lay down to sleep only for his once hopeful dreams of home gradually stopped altogether, they would find him.

Certainly… he realized, tears starting to fall from his clouded, ruined eyes as his heart broke and his hope finally died, they had abandoned him, just like everybody else.

And that’s exactly what he believed for the next three years, his heart turning as cold and hard as the unyielding mirrors all around him. Until the day they finally did come.

Which only made his heart turn even colder.

Seven years.

Seven years.

Seven years he had been gone, six of which she had presumed him to be dead. She had given up hope, just as her uncles had, of ever seeing him again. He had been captured and killed, far too young true, but killed nonetheless. That was it, wasn’t it? End of story, nothing more to tell. Except it wasn’t the end.

Because here he was, standing right before her. Her brother, so long thought to have died a tragic, undeserved death, had been alive all these years, hidden away deep underground miles away from Crystal Falls.

For Mabel, there couldn’t have possibly been anything more miraculous than this.

And yet… for as much as this was so unquestionably Dipper, she found that there was so much about him that… wasn’t. He was so much gaunter and paler than he should have been, his hair an overgrown, scrubby mess and his clothes much too small for his now 12 year old body. But then there were his eyes, which had struck her to the core when she had first seen them. Grey and cloudy and unfocused as opposed to the warm, alert brown they should have been, the deep, wide mark of an old, settled scar discolorating the skin around them almost like a mask. Eyes that carried such a haunted, lost look to them that it completely chilled her in every way. Eyes that seemed to be set in a perpetually piercing stare in nothing in particular at all. Eyes that, as she quickly found out, had been completely and utterly blind for the past several years as he sat in this cold, hollow prison all by himself, waiting for help that never came.

Tears of relief and sympathy flooded her eyes as she rushed to embrace him, but on instinct he flinched away from her touch. His panicky manner became even more apparent when he heard Steven and Lapis speak up, his blindness barring both of them from his perception as he tried and failed to place voices to faces and faces to names. Mabel tried to ease him, tried to calm him down, but this attempt was only met with a kind of hostility she hadn’t been expecting. Dipper’s anxious manner soon turned fierce as he addressed her, not looking in her direction as he spoke to the open air and harshly accused her of forgetting about him, of leaving him to rot alone in this cell while she lived the safe, free, happy life he had never really known. Mabel could scarcely believe what she was hearing, and as much as she wanted to argue that not a day had gone by in which she hadn’t thought about him, hadn’t hoped against hope that he was somehow still alive and that they’d somehow be reunited once again, she didn’t. Instead, she simply took his hand and slowly led him out of the cell that had been his home for the past seven years, giving him his first taste of renewed freedom that, from here on out, would only ever be tentative at best.

“You stopped?! What do you mean you stopped?! How could you just… just stop looking for me?!”

“Cut us some slack, kid! Its been seven years! Can you really blame us for expecting the worst after those Earthling wackjobs took you?!”

“Yes, I can! You just gave up completely! Did you even wonder what they did to me down there?! What I’ve been through the past seven years of my life?!”

“We don’t need to wonder, Dipper. W-we can see… And we’re sorry if we threw in the towel too early, but-”

“You’re sorry? I spent over half my life buried underground, nearly starved to death, and went blind, and you’re just sorry?!”

Once again, Mabel found herself curled up into a small, fretful ball, her knees snuggled under her shawl as she silently sat on the sidelines while her brother and uncles duked it out in by far the most vitriolic argument she had ever seen. Really, if she had to pick a side in it, she would have certainly been on Dipper’s, mostly because she had always felt some small inkling in her heart that giving up the search for him had been wrong somehow. And even though that inkling turned out to be right, things still were far from blissful and happy like she had always dreamed they would be if her brother ever returned. In fact, things were anything but that as Dipper, Stan, and Ford continued to fight, their argument echoing brutally throughout the shack. Even Steven’s comforting hand on her shoulder did little to ease her worry, which only spiked upon hearing her brother’s intentions of going off-planet.

“W-wait… you’re what?” she finally spoke up, sitting upright in her seat as she looked to him with wide eyes.

“You heard me,” Dipper answered coldly, still looking at nothing as he responded. “I’m leaving. I’m not about to stay here and be a prisoner on this planet or in this family anymore! I want to be free for a change. And I know I’ll never, ever be that here.”

“Dipper, that’s absurd,” Ford remarked incredulously. “You can’t leave Homeworld to openly traverse the depths of space on your own. You’re much too-”

“Much too what? Young? Blind?” Dipper challenged crossly, his hands in tight fists at his sides. “I don’t see why any of that matters, seeing as how I’ve been on my own for the past seven years and managed to survive just fine all by myself!”

“Kid, don’t be stupid about this,” Stan scowled authoritatively. “You wouldn’t last two seconds out there, not with all those Earth ships roaming around everywhere. Besides, you said so yourself; you’ve been gone for seven years. As far as we’re concerned, you’re gonna stay right here and make up for all that lost time.”

“You still don’t get it, do you?” Dipper asked harshly. “Do you really think we can all just go right back to being some perfect, happy little family again after you guys just forgot about me!?”

“Dipper, w-we didn’t forget about you…” Mabel said, her voice fragile as she stepped over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, frowning as he flinched from the unexpected contact. “We just… we… we didn’t know that you were… we-”

“You didn’t care,” he cut her off coldly, his blinded eyes set in a fierce, unforgiving glare as he pulled his shoulder away from her. He said nothing more as he turned and started feeling his way towards the door. While Stan made a move to try and stop him, Ford held him back, shaking his head sadly as he watched his battered, broken, bittered nephew leave as he placed the blame for his years upon years of endless suffering upon them all. Which, in so many ways, was a perfectly sensible thing to do.

But even so, Mabel hurried after her brother, intent on keeping him from disappearing from her life once again. Because even seven years later, she was still reaching out for him, even if she knew, deep down, that her extended hand had found him far too little and far too late.

Mabel knew she should have been happy for Dipper as she watched Steven heal his longstanding blindness, but the only thing she could do was frown as that healing spit worked its magic. As Dipper flinched back, closing his eyes and covering them out of surprise first before he slowly opened them once more. As he gasped, his returned brown eyes widening as they finally saw again for the first time in seven years. As tears started to well up in those eyes at how overwhelming it all was as he finally looked over to her in complete shock, as if he was seeing her for the first time ever.

Which, in a way, he was.

And in that moment, the way he smiled at her, the way he said her name with such awe and happiness in his voice, truly made her think that perhaps things might finally turn out alright. This feeling only grew as they mutually embraced, tears in both of their eyes now as the sheer triumph of the moment spoke louder than any words could. This was it, Mabel though with a contented sigh. This was exactly what had been missing the past several years. This was how everything was supposed to be.

Except it wasn’t meant to last.

Because all too quickly their hug disbanded, all too quickly Dipper glanced longingly back at the ship he had been trying to steal just moments ago, all too quickly Mabel remembered exactly why she had been hesitant about Steven healing him in the first place. Because with his vision restored, now there was absolutely nothing stopping Dipper from leaving, this time on his own accord.

As Steven and Lapis both put forth efforts to try and coax him into staying, Mabel could only stand there in silence, shellshocked by how quickly everything had been unfolding. They had only just found him yesterday, but here he was, set to be taken away once more. She couldn’t really blame him for wanting to leave though, there was no way she could have; because if their roles had been reversed and she had been trapped in one place for as long as he had, then she likely would have wanted to chase freedom just as much as he did.

Perhaps if she had at least some of his boldness, then she would have boarded that ship with him. Perhaps if it was just the two of them, with no friends or family or anything else on Homeworld to worry about, she would have joined him in sailing through the stars, both of them finally together like they should have always been. Perhaps she would have… but she didn’t. Instead, she only watched, tears in his eyes as he departed, knowing that the chances of her ever seeing him again were small but at the very least he was alive and free as opposed to the alternative she had grown up believing was true. Still, that didn’t stop her from reaching her hand out after his ship as it drifted higher and higher into the atmosphere, before it disappeared from view entirely.

Only this time, he didn’t reach back.

Dipper had known, from the moment he touched down on Homeworld again, that this was a bad idea. That certainly he’d be followed here, that he’d lead those Earthlings right to the very place where his family still resided. And while he didn’t really have his doubts that Stan and Ford would be able to fend off a few kids from Earth, he did start to worry when Lapis ended up being the one to first discover him and his wrecked ship in the forest of Crystal Falls. He supposed he should have counted himself as lucky that it hadn’t been Mabel, for certainly she would have dragged him back to the shack to tell Stan and Ford everything that he knew, something that he was far too uncomfortable to do so soon after returning. Fortunately, Lapis was much more patient with him, and through that patience, an unexpected bond began to form.

Even before his initial capture, Dipper had never gotten close to any Gems, including even the Crystal Gems who lived essentially right next door to his family. Even though they were practically everywhere, he had never really had any interest in befriending any of them, mostly since a large majority of them seemed to be so emotionally dry and distant. Lapis, however, was a stark exception to that, an example of a Gem who wore her metaphorical heart on her sleeve as well as her open curiosity, something that Dipper couldn’t help but relate to. And so the unlikely pair steadily developed a genuine friendship, with Lapis coming by every day as Dipper continued repairing his crashed ship. As almost therapeutic as their peaceful time together was though, he knew it wasn’t meant to last, for as Lapis professed her hopes that he would stay on Homeworld, Dipper found that his growing guilt and dread would no longer let him remain silent about the threat he knew was soon to come. And after telling Lapis about his perilous escape from Earth first, she urged him to go divulge it all to his family, knowing that they would need such pertinent information if they ever wanted to keep Crystal Falls, or Homeworld as a whole, safe. But how could he just go and tell them that he had led this threat right to their door? How could he admit to his uncles that they had been right all along? How could he apologize to Mabel for leaving her again, which was exactly what he had every intention of doing once this disaster was said and done?

But in the end, he did go and tell them, if for no one else than for Lapis. His resolve to remain professional nearly melted as Mabel rushed up to him, throwing her arms around him in a hug that she never thought she’d get to have again. Yet as much as he wanted to return her embrace, he didn’t as he instead forced his manner to remain cold and unmoved while he stoically warned his uncles of the coming Earth invasion, watching stonefaced as their initial reaction rose into frantic panic. Then, with his message delivered, he slipped out once again, his refusal to let himself fall back into his own family just as staunch and hardened as ever.

And once again, he completely missed his sister’s outstretched hand as he walked out, her heart reaching after him in the hopes that he would stay with her this time, but knowing that was far too much to hope for.

“Well, well, well… looks like things just got a lot more interesting…”

Dipper gasped as he found that the very first thing he was met with upon pulling himself out of the crashed ship’s wreckage was the pitchy voice of the demon who held domain over the entire Earth and all its vast empire. The very demon he had risked life and limb to escape from during his flight from that chaoitc planet, who should have been back on Earth seeing as how he had merely just sent two of his cronies to do his work for him. Yet now, Pacifica was nowhere to be found while Gideon simply stood by, fuming at how Bill was apparently ignoring his proposal to make a deal to take out the Pines family, as well as Steven and Lapis, who had been unfortunate enough to get caught up in all this. But instead, the demon’s singular eye now held focus on Dipper, who couldn’t deny the flash of terror that struck him as that imposing triangular form cast an oppressive shadow over him.

“Hey there, Pine Tree! I was wondering where you ran off to. Guess my hunch about you crawling back to this boring ol’ hunk of rock was right, huh?” Bill began quite effervescently, though as he noticed Dipper attempting to back away, he was quick to reposition himself right behind the boy in a flash. “Whoa, not so fast, kid! You don’t wanna miss out on what could very well be the best deal you’ll ever make, do ya?”

“W-what?” Dipper asked, not having the context to really know what the demon was talking about.

“Hey!” Gideon shouted in sudden outrage as he sent Bill an appalled glare. “I was the one who summoned you here, Bill! I thought you were gonna make a deal with me!”

“Oh, yeah, I was gonna do that,” Bill shrugged nonchalantly. “Until a much better alternative came along.” The demon’s tone dropped low and sinister as he pointed his cane over at Dipper, who was still completely lost amidst this unknown turn of events. “So… see ya, Gideon!” With another flick of his cane, Bill managed to completely take control of Gideon’s amulet, resulting in his own telekinesis being used against him to fling him far away from the Kindergarten crash site and freeing the demon up to get back to business. “Now, Pine Tree, where were we…?”

“L-Leave him alone!” Mabel shouted as Bill started circling her brother almost threateningly. The only reason she hadn’t ran over to pull Dipper away herself was because of the steady hold Stan had on her arm, keeping her held back just as much as she had been held back the first time he had been stolen away from her seven years ago. Only now, with a threat so much more dangerous and unpredictable as Bill Cipher, her complete inability to do anything to help Dipper felt so, so much worse.

“So listen up, Pine Tree, cause I don’t like to repeat myself,” Bill said as casually as ever, ignoring Mabel’s fearful cry. “You may not know this since you’ve been all blind and buried for so many years, but back on Earth, I’m pretty much the most powerful guy around. Time manipulation, the ability to change anything and anyone with a blink of an eye, endless amounts of magic your feeble human brain couldn’t even hope to comprehend, you know, the works! But here on silly old Homeworld, things are a bit… different. This planet’s outta my hands, which is something I plan on changing pretty soon, but for now, I kinda can't interact with this place physically without a vessel. So I need a little… help, if ya catch my drift…” s on edge as he already was by the dream demon’s mere presence alone, Dipper slowly shook his head, finally realizing just how fast his heart was pounding as he tried his hardest to reconcile his complete and utter terror. Still, Bill simply sighed in exasperation and rolling his eye before he explained. “My drift is this: you let me possess you, let me take the reins and sit in your control seat for a while, so I can finally get rid of what’s left of your stupid, annoying family! Heck, since you’re so un-Pines compared to all the rest of them, I’ll even let you walk away with your life when it’s all said and done as my way of saying thanks! Sounds like a pretty good plan, doesn’t it, kid?”

For a moment there were no words that Dipper could find to describe just how absolutely appalled he was by this incredibly gruesome idea. The fact that Bill Cipher, of all the beings in the universe, wanted to use him as a tool to destroy his own family, that he wanted him to agree to let such a thing happen? It was beyond twisted and cruel. In fact, he was so shocked by it that he couldn’t even properly express anything but absolute dumbfoundment at it when he finally did manage to respond to it. “I… I don’t understand…” he choked, shaking his head once more. “W-why… what makes you think I would ever say yes to something like that?”

“Why wouldn’t you say yes to something like that?” Bill retorted calmly. “Think about this for a sec, Pine Tree. These three?” he threw a hand out towards Mabel, Stan, and Ford. “They let a bunch of Earth squares steal you away when you were only 5 years old. And then what did they do? What did they do while you were beaten and battered almost constantly for weeks on end? What did they do when someone ran a knife over your eyes until you were completely and totally blind? What did they do when you were left for dead in that empty cell for seven years with nothing but a bunch of dumb old rocks and your own pathetic, unfulfilled dreams to keep you company? Oh, that’s right! They did nothing!”

Dipper shuddered at this, hating to admit that every single thing the demon was saying was true but knowing in his heart that it was. He had languished, suffered, hoped in vain for so long that they would come for him, but they never did until after all the hope he had left in him had long since died. And even then, they had only managed to stumble upon him on accident. Stan and Ford had even said so themselves that they had stopped looking for him only a year after his disappearance. This was something he had thought about frequently, ever since he had been set free, and every time he did, it only made him ache with the belief that his own family had cared so very little about him that they had just given up on him completely. And really, it was a large part of the reason he had already given up on them.

“Really, kid, it only makes sense,” Bill continued, fighting rationality upon seeing that his manipulation was seemingly working. “I mean, you don’t even wanna be part of their family anymore anyway, so why not just do yourself a favor and lighten this whole ‘rebellious legacy’ load off your shoulders? At least then, you wouldn’t have to keep running away all the time.”

“Dipper! Don’t listen to him! Please” Mabel cried once again, pulling against Stan’s grip, though it held fest, lest she break free and throw herself into the same danger her brother was in.

“Seriously, kid, he’s lying to you!” Stan shouted adamantly, wanting to believe that, despite all of the abuse he had been through in his young life, that his nephew was smarter than this. “You really think he won’t off you the second he’s through with all of us?! Because that’s not how that psychopath works, believe us.”

“Stanley’s right,” Ford agreed, the immense worry in his otherwise tight expression. “Dipper, you can’t trust him, he only wants to-”

“Hey, how about you three butt out for a sec and let Pine Tree decide here?” Bill cut their pleas off sharply before turning back to Dipper. “See what I mean, kid? The only thing they care about is saving their own hides. That’s exactly why they never bothered to look for you even ten minutes outside their own backyard. Guess they didn’t think you were worth the effort.”

“No, we did think you were worth it, Dipper!” Mabel protested fiercely, though she kept at it as Dipper finally glanced over at her, clear conflict filling his expression. “I never wanted to stop looking for you! I always hoped that you were still alive and out there somewhere and I was right. A-and I know you’re mad at us for taking so long to find you, but you can’t do this. Please, Dipper… I-I can’t lose you again, not like this…”

Dipper could still scarcely even think of what to say amidst being pressed on all sides, but for what seemed like ages he kept his frightened, anxious, uncertain gaze on Mabel, who could only meet it with tears after she finished her appeal. She desperately hoped that it would be enough to sway him against such an awful deal, that he’d staunchly turn Bill down and finally come to stand with his family once more. Yet… it really didn’t seem to be enough, for instead of keeping his sights on her, he gradually glanced over to Lapis, who had simply been standing along with Steven in tense silence this entire time, neither of them having the faintest clue about what to do to stop this. As Dipper made eye contact with her, the most the blue Gem could do was softly shake her head, her eyes wide with unabridged terror at the thought of losing the boy she had just grown so close to like this. And yet, it was only as Dipper saw that terror that he realized what would happen if he said no to the demon’s twisted aspirations. Even if he refused, then Bill would always be able to find someone else, someone much more willing even, like Gideon for instance, to carry out his sadistic plans. And then, none of them, no one on Homeworld at all, would be safe, including his family, including Mabel, including Steven, including Lapis. No one would be able to stop the insane demon from doing whatever violent, demented thing he wanted, including destroying anything and anyone who stood in his path of conquest and chaos. If he said no, then there would be no telling what might happen.

Which was exactly why he had to say yes.

“So, kid, have you made up your mind yet?” Bill asked with faux boredom. “Because I’m a very busy demon, what with ruling my own intergalactic empire and everything, and I haven’t got all-””

“I’ll do it,” Dipper spoke up, squaring his shoulders and putting on his bravest face as he thought about exactly what this would entail for him. Even so, he had a plan, one that was only really tentative at best and one that would only really lead him to even more suffering than he had already known, but at least this time, it would all be on his own terms.

Needless to say that the reaction to his staunch agreement was intense. Mabel was the first to lash out, finally pulling herself out of Stan’s hold as a loud scream of protest tore from her. Lapis wasn’t far behind, her wings summoned as she rushed forward, tears forming in her eyes as she hurried to try and stop this deal from going through by any means necessary. Unfortunately, while Bill didn’t have much power on Homeworld, he did have enough to erect a blue fiery barrier, one that easily barred Mabel, Lapis, and anyone else from breaking this arrangement while still giving them a front row seat to it all.

“Yeesh, so much drama with you rebels!” Bill rolled his eye caustically. “I gotta admit, I’ll kinda miss that about you chumps… but not for long! So, Pine Tree, are you finally ready to get even for all those long years of abuse and abandonment? Cause if you are, then all it takes is just one simple handshake…” At this, the demon held his hand out, blue flames sparking over it as he presented it to Dipper, who simply looked between it and Bill himself with cold acceptance. He was ready for this, whatever it was, he told himself. He had spent seven years in blinded emptiness, how could this be much worse than that?

And yet, he still looked over at the pair who had rushed forth in vain to try and save him, both of them looking to him tearfully and still begging him not to go through with this. His resolve nearly crumbled upon meeting Mabel’s miserable expression, but it came back to him when he saw Lapis’. For seven years he had dreamed of nothing but freedom, and now, he was going to give that freedom up, more than likely forever, just to save the two people he was still absolutely certain he cared about.

It was probably the most worthy sacrifice he could think of, if he was perfectly honest with himself.

So, with a deep breath and closed eyes, he took the demon’s hand, allowing his own to be pulled down in shake that locked everything in place. And from there, everything seemed to happen all at once.

The very first thing he felt was pain, pain that was so fierce and so intense that it made the anguish of having that knife torn across his eyes feel like a mere scratch by comparison. But as the pain died out, as all his senses died out really, they were replaced with something else, something that seemed to overwhelm every single fiber of his being: power. Or at least he thought it was power, because what it really was was something far beyond what his mortal mind could even begin to comprehend. In fact, the only things he knew of it were that it was rich, strong, tantalizing, chaotic, uncontrollable, and his. But it wasn’t really. Rather it belonged to the miasmic, sinister, unquestionably insane entity that was quickly flooding his consciousness, splitting it cleanly in half and brutally pushing him aside as it easily took control of everything, all while he was left adrift inside his own completely ravaged mind, desperately trying to recover from the shock of it all before it was too late. 

Mabel let out a tearful gasp as the wall of fire finally fell, allowing her to see that Bill was gone, but Dipper was still there, his eyes still shut and his body rigid and unmoving as she hurried over to him, Lapis following not too far behind. By the time she had almost reached him, however, he started to do something she hadn’t been expecting: laugh. As the laughter rose in volume and grew more manic, she realized that it was indeed in Dipper’s voice, but at the same time, it was also Bill’s. Both voices were completely unified as his laughter rose to triumphant levels, his eyes opening to reveal that one of them was still a natural, normal brown, while the other was sharply slitted against bright, piercing, glowing yellow, telling Mabel only one thing. That the worst had indeed happened. That her brother had been taken away from her yet again, only this time, she would never get him back. That he wasn’t even Dipper anymore, that he couldn’t be with with someone like Bill running wild and free inside his mind. Bipper… she concluded briefly, the name sounding so very wrong, even inside her own mind. Still, she was so heartbroken by what was happening that she couldn’t even allow herself to feel any form of betrayal towards him for what he had just done. Even if that betrayal was something that the newly dubbed “Bipper” was more than happy to remind them all off.

“Ah, now this is more like it!” he exclaimed proudly, his voice still a twisted mix of Bill’s and Dipper’s, though there was clearly more of a demonic edge to it. “It’s been so long since I’ve needed one of these flesh sacks that I almost forgot what being inside one of them is like! Still, I owe you one for being so nice and compliant about all this, Pine Tree! So,” his demented grin grew as he began to lift off the ground, blue flames curling up upon both of his hands as he hovered over his targets with sadistic glee. “What do you say we get started, huh? Oh, that’s right! You’re probably still trying to pull your measly human mind back together after having so much limitless cosmic power crammed into it all at once! Well then, don’t worry, kid! You just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. I’ll take it from here…”

Bipper let out another absolutely wild laugh at this, his yellow eye sparking with murderous intent while his flames grew larger as he prepared to rain them down upon his unprepared foes. Stan and Ford and Steven were all absolutely shellshocked by what they were seeing, none of them scarcely able to believe it while Lapis let out a harsh, broken sob at how far Dipper had fallen. But all Mabel could do was reach out to him once more, tears refusing to leave her eyes as she hoped that somehow, someway, this twisted nightmare would finally end, that she’d wake up and he’d be there and they’d be happy again, just like they had been so many years ago.

But of course, no matter how much she reached, it was never to be.

For suddenly, right before Bipper could bring his flames down, they abruptly died out, much to his apparent surprise. “Huh?!” he glanced at his hands in shock, clearly trying to bring the flames back only for him to suddenly go flying back in mid air towards the entrance of the Kindergarten behind him. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing, kid?!” He let out a sudden anguished shout at this, his limbs struggling to break free of some kind of invisible bondage as his expression changed from confusion to absolute raw fury. “For almost my entire life I’ve always been somebody’s prisoner,” he began fiercely, Dipper’s voice clearly starting to overpower Bill’s. “I practically grew up inside a jail cell I couldn’t even see. I missed out on everything my life should have been! And even after I thought I was finally free, I didn’t even get to enjoy it before your stupid forces came along and captured me all over again! But no more; I’m through with being trapped and tortured everywhere I go! Now it’s your turn to be locked away and forgotten, Bill! Let’s see how you like it!”

With another harsh shout, he pulled himself back even more, a blue glow igniting around his hands, one that transferred to the rocks surrounding the Kindergarten’s tunnel entrance. “Whoa! Wait! P-Pine Tree, stop!” Bipper gasped as the other half of him realized exactly what was about to happen here and fought in vain for control against it. “W-what about your revenge?! This is your one chance to take out your neglectful family and you’re completely wasting it just to put me away?! Don’t you realize you’re doing the exact same thing to yourself!? You’ve lost it!”

“No,” he replied to himself coldly, his expression a resolved glare as he looked to both Lapis and Mabel, finally smiling just the slightest bit as his hand moved to bring the rocks down on his telekinetic command. “I haven’t.”

“Dipper!” Mabel cried in an absolute panic as the impending cave in began, the rocks falling hard and heavy before him. The Kindergarten itself was closed off completely on the inside, with its one entrance also being its only exit, and Bipper had brazenly, intentionally landed on the wrong side of the momentous pile of rocks. Meaning that once all of them fell, he’d be trapped inside indefinitely, something that Mabel couldn’t let happen, but was ultimately completely powerless to stop.

“Augh! Stupid kid!” Bipper shouted in blind rage, his limbs trembling wildly as he desperately tried and failed to wrest back control. “This wasn’t the deal! When I take control back from you, I’m gonna make you wish you were never born!” The other half of him simply let out a soft, almost accepting sigh at this, his fury dissipating into calm acceptance of his fate as he closed his eyes, not wanting to see that final look of desperate anguish on Mabel’s face as the last of the rocks fell. “Too late,” he muttered calmly, mentally preparing himself for the nearly endless internal conflict to come. “I already do.”

And just like that, he was gone, the final rock falling as Mabel collapsed to her knees with a broken sob, her hand still held out, just like it always was, for the brother who had just condemned himself to an eternity of imprisoned torment. The brother who had given away every part of himself, including his highly sought after freedom, just to save her life. The brother who would certainly never be able to reach his hand back to her now, even if he wanted to.

She missed him.

She thought she had missed him before, when she was but a teary-eyed five year old who kept thinking that he’d come home “any minute now”. She thought she had missed him after he had taken off on that ship to parts unknown, presumably never to return. But now? Now she missed him so much that it almost physically hurt her. Because now she could go down to the entrance of that Kindergarten at the edge of the sector literally any time she wanted to. Now she could place her hand against that impenetrable rock wall, she could imagine him on the other side of it, wrestling against the demon he had let into his mind with every ounce of resistance he had in him, she could whisper her tearful promises to find a way to help him, no matter how it might take. Promises that were largely more wishes than they were actual promises.

Still it seemed that her and Lapis were really the only ones who were making any kind of effort to do something about Dipper’s plight. The Crystal Gems were clueless when it came to a being as tricky and enigmatic as Bill Cipher, the Fusions’ Logs offered literally no assistance, and most frustrating to Mabel, Stan and Ford seemed to be very hands off about the whole thing. One night, not too many weeks after Dipper had trapped himself and Bill away, her frustration finally exploded into full on rage as she shouted at her uncles, fiercely demanding why they seemed to be doing nothing to even try to help their own nephew, why they were seeming to be giving up on him all over again. Their rebuttal was that they wanted to help Dipper, they really, really did, but they simply didn’t know enough about Bill and the extent of his abilities to do anything that would be safe for the good of Homeworld at large. As it stood, the merciless demon who had single handedly conquered Earth had finally been subdued and sealed away, inside the body of a twelve year old who had locked them both inside a barren Kindergarten, true, but sealed away nonetheless. Which meant that for now at least, the planet was safe.

But that was far from good enough for Mabel.

Despite how much of a failure Lapis’ attempts at helping Dipper had been thus far, Mabel couldn’t help but admire how hard she was trying. The blue Gem had researched extensively on the mysterious demon, had tried to terraform around the Kindergarten, had even gone as far as to fuse with the brutish Jasper into the massive, merciless Malachite in the hopes of decimating that rock wall, a plan that had only left Lapis with more scars than successes when it was all said and done. And even if none of her ideas were working, Mabel wished that she had even a fraction of the blue Gem’s verve, because as things were, she felt so completely useless. Dipper had saved all their lives, perhaps even all of Homeworld itself, and what did he get as a reward for his courageous selflessness? Yet another prison for him to rot away in, this time with a cellmate who was the complete and utter embodiment of hatred and chaos itself. And what was she doing to help free him from that prison? Nothing, just as Bill had accused them all of. She was doing nothing to rescue her brother from his horrendous situation, just as she had done nothing to rescue him seven years ago. The truth of it was she was failing him in every sense of the word. Because as much as she wanted to help him, she didn’t even know where to start at all. She didn’t know how to break that massive stone wall keeping him locked away down. She didn’t know how to kick the vicious demon he was currently sharing his body with out. She didn’t know how to bring him home once and for all, to get him to finally stay with her, to convince him that they were still a family, no matter how many times they were torn apart.

She didn’t know how to help him; which meant that the only thing she could do instead of try was what she had always done: keep reaching out for a hand that never seemed to reach back.

He could feel it.

Day in and day out, it pounded heavily against the back of the half of his mind he still had some semblance of control over. It coaxed him, begged him to open that door, to let the floodgates go down, to let that rich, endless power now afforded to him just flow through him completely unfettered. To just let go, to end his pointless vigil and let himself finally be free to do whatever he could possibly imagine. The power tugged on his very soul, it seemed, hounding at him to be used, demanding to at least let the other, much more wild and malicious half of his consciousness use it if he wasn’t going to.

It absolutely terrified him.

Mostly because it was something that Bill had absolutely no qualms about taunting him with almost constantly as they shared their prison that was his body, which was trapped inside an even larger prison that was the Kindergarten. Fortunately, whatever half of him that was now the demon negated his former need for food, water, or even sleep because the Kindergarten itself was completely desolate and devoid of all signs of life except for him. Even then, he barely felt alive as he sat in once spot, in one of the larger holes in the hollowed out walls he had claimed as his own moments after locking himself away. And there he stated, largely unmoving as he resumed the very same stance of waiting for nothing that he had grown so used to during his first bout of captivity. Only now, he didn’t expect to be saved; in all honesty, he didn’t want to be saved. Because if he was saved, then so was Bill. And all at once, everything he had thrown his life away from would be worth nothing at all.

Still, even if he had managed to subdue the demon physically, that didn’t mean keeping him bound mentally was anything close to a simple task. Every second of every day was a struggle for control, one that he only narrowly managed to maintain the upper hand in. Bill would try almost ceaselessly to escape his ridiculously determined vessel only for Dipper to somehow reign him back in every single time. It didn’t take long for the demon to grow desperate, and as he did, so too did his tactics. Even though he had little to no control over their shared body, his still had a potent presence inside their mind, the connection between their consciousnesses being more than enough for him to get his messages across. In his most petty fits of rage, Bill would often press nightmare after nightmare upon Dipper, filling them with the most unspeakable horrors both imaginable and unimaginable, things that would have easily and utterly broken the average human mind upon so much as a first glance. But what the demon underestimated was that he was dealing with a mind that had already been broken by years of untold horrors all their own. And in its place stood a wall of indifference and determination so strong and sturdy that even a being as powerful as Bill himself was having a hard time putting a dent in it.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t stop trying. Because even if he knew Dipper held little struggle against him, Bill could tell that he was struggling with the immense power they both had access to, though Dipper even moreso now because of his well-maintained control. And while it infuriated the demon to no end that a mere human child was in a better position to use his powers than even he was, Bill knew he could use this struggle to his advantage.

“When are you just gonna give up already, kid?” he asked, their voices still intertwined as they echoed through the otherwise dense silence of the Kindergarten in an almost ethereal way. “We both know you wanna use it, so why don’t you? It’d be a way better use of your time than just sitting around here doing nothing all day.”

“I think you know exactly why I’m not going to use it,” he replied coldly, evenly, just as he always did whenever the demon attempted this, which was very often. “Because if I did, then you’d probably be set free. Which is not something I’m about to let happen now, or ever.”

“Geez, well sorry for asking, ‘Mr. Warden’. I just couldn’t help but notice that its calling to you a bit… stronger than usual… You really sure you don’t wanna answer that call? It’d be pretty disappointed if you just left it hanging, you know.”

“I don’t care. I’m not using it. I don’t need it. Now could you just be quiet for a change instead of trying to wear me down, which isn’t working by the way. I’m trying to concentrate.”

“Aw, what’s the matter, Pine Tree? Thinkin’ about poor little Shooting Star again? You sure tend to do that a lot, even though I don’t get why. Honestly, if I were you, I’d be angry at her instead of worried about her like you are. Especially since her life should have been yours.”

He flinched at this, his eyes widening somewhat as his brow furrowed in confusion. “W-what do you mean?”

“What, you mean you can’t see it? Oh, that’s right, you won’t let yourself use any of my-or should I say--our powers for some stupid reason. Well if you did, then you’d be able to take a glimpse at any number of alternate realities that split off of our own. And I’m not lying to you when I tell you there’s one where Shooting Star was captured that night instead of you. You wanna take a quick peek?”

His heart sank at the very idea of any reality where Mabel went through even half of the pain he had endured. After all, he had been hurt so deeply and so profoundly in so many different ways that he wouldn’t wish that kind of anguish upon anyone. Except for Bill maybe. Especially since the demon didn’t seem to care about his already quite loud internal protest against this. “Too late! Here ya go, Pine Tree! Enjoy what could have been!”

Dipper gasped as his mind was abruptly whisked away into the dreamscape, allowing him to watch as an inactive observer as an entirely different version of his life played out before him. All at once there he was back on that fateful night seven years ago, where any chance he once had at living a normal life had died right along with his freedom. And yet, instead of the Earth loyalists nabbing him and taking off, they managed to get ahold of Mabel instead. Dipper felt a bitter chill run through him as he watched his younger self reach out for his abducted sister as she disappeared into the night, presumably never to be seen again. A year past, one that he spent in worry as Stan and Ford searched high and low, all the Gems of Crystal Falls lending their aid to try and find Mabel but they never did. Dipper begged, pleaded against his uncles as they finally called off all their search efforts, knowing that any hope of getting her back again was incredibly slim. Yet over time, he began to accept that painful truth as well, as much as it hurt his heart in every conceivable way to think that he’d never see his sister again. And so, as a way of bracing himself against that pain, he forced himself to move on, to keep on living his life, because certainly, that’s what Mabel would have wanted.

And so he did. He watched with wonder as his childhood played out in a much better way than it actually had. He lived in warmth, comfort, and peace with Stan and Ford, their care for him immense as they both knew he could have been lost just as easily as Mabel had been. Never once did he want for anything; he was always well fed, well bathed, well rested, and well loved. Stan taught him how to fight while Ford brought him up with all of the scientific knowledge he had in his arsenal. He craved knowledge, thrived in it, sought every opportunity available to him to learn more just to satisfy his curious nature. His days were spent in free, cheerful exploration, Steven often at his side as they ran through the streets and woods of Crystal Falls, building friendships with most of the Gems who lived there and uncovering the mysteries that lay beyond its limits. In time, Lapis showed up to Crystal Falls, just as eager to learn as he was and together in their pursuit of knowledge, they were unstoppable. And they years went by in their quiet way, unfettered in their peacefulness and bliss as he lived his life, embracing every second of it and reveling in the amazingness of the complex, yet beautiful world all around him. A world that he had never gotten to see much of with his own eyes as they had been blinded so long ago. A world that he could have had just as much as Mabel did. A world that he wanted, that he felt robbed of, that he should have had and why didn’t he? Why had he been the one who had been taken away? Why had he been the one who suffered through so much senseless torture? Why had his life been stolen away from him before it had even really begun?

And most of all, why couldn’t he do anything to change it?

But he could… The tug at the back of his mind reminded him. He could change it if he really wanted to. He could bend time, warp it to his favor, make the clock reverse to the point that he could actually have the peaceful, coveted life that had just played out before him. He had that power now, it was all his. And accessing it would be as easy as simply opening up that door and letting it all flow in.

As he considered opening that door for the first time, somewhere, on the other half of his consciousness, Bill Cipher laughed triumphantly, knowing that it would only be a matter of time before his impressionable young vessel caved completely. And then, there would be no one who could stop him.

The Kindergarten’s implosion could be heard and seen all across Crystal Falls, even as far as the abandoned ship near the lake. The moment they all realized what it was, Stan and Ford had already started setting off, the Crystal Gems hurrying not too far behind. And though she had been ordered to stay behind at the ship with Pacifica and Steven, Mabel refused to simply wait by while her brother suffered any longer. Which was why she raced after them, running across town without a single stop, all the way to the ruined remains of the Kindergarten. And the sight she found there was more than enough to make her blood run completely cold.

There he was, floating high above Stan, Ford, and the Gems trying to stop him, his entire body aglow with blue flames as he let out a dark, malicious laugh. Gone was all the calm control Dipper had had when he had sealed them both away, for though it had taken him months, Bill had finally gotten the control he had been so fervently vying for. Already the demon had taken some of his anger out on his vessel for his lengthy imprisonment, if his bloody nose and chest were any indication, but even so his manner was wild and unrestrained as he rained his vengeance down upon those below without a single sign of hesitance or restraint, triumphantly taunting them all the while.

For a moment, the most Mabel could do was watch all this chaos unfold from her distant vantage point, tears streaming down her cheeks as she felt all sense of waning hope fade away. She knew that Dipper had fought for so hard and for so long to keep Bill at bay, more than likely putting himself through endless amounts of anguish and agony every step of the way. But in the end, his fierce, courageous struggle still hadn’t been enough. In the end, the demon had still won, he was still having his long awaited revenge, he was still poised to destroy her entire family, Dipper included.

And after years of doing nothing, that was something that Mabel was not about to let happen.

“Hey!” she shouted, boldly rushing forward into the fray. The moment they realized she was there, Stan and Ford tried everything they could to hold her back, but she pushed past her uncles this time, running right up to her possessed brother, glaring up at him with all of the ferocity and righteous fury she could muster. “Get out of him already, Bill! Now!”

“Well, well…” Bipper began with an intrigued grin as he drifted down a bit, Bill still clearly in control as his yellow eye flashed twistedly. “Look who we have here… Glad to see you could make it, Shooting Star! I was thinking I was missing one out of the set, but nope! Guess the family’s all here, finally together again! Isn’t it just sweet?”

“Shut up!” Mabel growled, her hands curled into tight fists at her sides. “I don’t know how you beat Dipper back and broke out but that doesn’t matter, because you’re going to get out of his body and leave all of us alone!”

“Oh yeah?” he asked challengingly. “And what makes you think that? What makes you think I’m not just gonna burn you and your stupid uncles to a crisp before doing the same thing to the rest of this worthless planet?”

“I know you’re not gonna do that because somewhere in that body, Dipper’s still there, I know it,” she retorted, her manner still brazen and resolved. “And I know he would never do that.”

“Ha!” he laughed mockingly at this claim. “Then clearly you don’t know your own brother that well, kid. He just spent the last several months trying his best to resist using our immense cosmic power, and you wanna know the only reason he finally gave in? So he could take your happy little life away from you so he could have it instead while you’d be tortured and imprisoned for years on end just like he was! You call that selfless? Or noble? Or heroic? Cause I sure don’t!”

Mabel’s determination finally shaken away into shock upon hearing this, her eyes widening as she tried to make sense of what she had just heard. “W-wha… n-no! That… that’s not true! H-he wouldn’t… you… you’re lying!”

“You wish I was, kid,” he scoffed coldly. “But go ahead and tell her, Pine Tree! Tell her all about how you were ready and willing to roll back time and flip your fates around! I’m sure she’d love to hear about how much you don’t care about her!” A gasp escaped him, tears starting to well up in his eyes as his other half was finally allowed some control. Guilt was written all over his expression as he looked down at her, telling her all that she needed to know that the demon had, against all odds, been telling the truth. “M-Mabel… I… I didn’t… I was just… I never wanted you to-” He let out a sharp cry of anguish as control was viciously ripped away from him again, his remorse turning into a smug grin. “See, Shooting Star? He can’t even bring himself to deny it because it’s true! He was gonna throw you under the bus just so he could take everything you’ve ever known and loved for himself! Some brother he turned out to be, huh?”

Mabel said nothing for a moment, a few tears finally escaping her as she thought about just how horrible it all was. It was true: Dipper really had wanted to swap their fates around, to put himself in her peaceful place while she took his own horrific one. He had gone through so much agony in his life that she couldn’t even begin to imagine going through all of that herself, much less somehow surviving it like he had. And yet… for as terrible as this truth was… she still couldn’t find it in her to be angry at him like Bill clearly wanted her to be. She couldn’t be, no matter how hard she tried, because when it came right down to it, he had every single right to feel that way. He had been beaten, blinded, abandoned, brutalized, and yet in the end, in that deciding moment when he had been given a chance to exact his revenge against the family that had wronged him, he hadn’t. Instead, he had turned the tables, trapping both himself and Bill away and remaining strong in his vigil for as long as he had been able to hold out. He had saved them all, even when he really hadn’t been obligated to, even when he could have saved himself so much more easily. And in Mabel’s eyes, that selfless, sacrificial act far outweighed whatever small, overall insignificant moment of selfishness that had led him here.

“D-Dipper… I… You… W-what happened to you was… it was so unfair…” Mabel began waveringly, desperation in her eyes as she looked up at him tearfully, hoping that her brother could hear her beyond the demon controlling his body. “I haven’t stopped thinking about how unfair it all was from the minute we first found you in that cell… Pretty much every day I ask myself why all this happened to you instead of me. B-because if I could have, then I definitely would have swapped places with you in a heartbeat. You didn’t deserve what you went through. You were just a kid, we both were. Heck, we still are. And its so wrong that you’re the one who has to keep going through all these terrible things because… b-because of me… So… if you wanted to switch our lives around, or, heck, even if you wanted to just get rid of me altogether… t-then… then I’d understand that… Because you deserve so much better than what you got… You always have… and you always will…”

Bipper scoffed haughtily at this attempt at an appeal, his eyes rolling as he began buffering it off. “Oh give me a break, Shooting Star. Like any of your schmaltzy apologies are actually gonna-” He suddenly trailed off, his tears returning as sadden sincerity filled his expression. “M-Mabel, no… I… I never… I don’t want to change things around like that… I thought I did, b-but… but I was wrong… It’s true, my life has pretty much been… well, the worst, but I’d never, ever wish any of that on you… I just… I… The only thing I want is for all of this to finally end…”

“And it can,” Mabel smiled warmly, reaching her hand out to him once more. “You’re stronger than Bill is, Dipper, I know you are. You held out for so long now that you’re practically a pro at handling crazy murderous demons! And you wanna know why I know that? Because you’re my brother; and fighting back and being totally awesome is something that runs in our family, whether you like it or not.”

He let out a small, genuine laugh at this, and Mabel felt her heart begin to soar as, for the first time in years, he began to reach his hand back to meet hers. Yet before they could connect, it was stopped once again, this time by his other hand as a fierce struggle for control again. “N-no! Don’t listen to her! I’m not about to let a bunch of sentimental family garbage ruin everything I’ve worked so hard for!” His other half resisted fiercely though, pulling past this restraint as he continued reaching out for Mabel, his hope finally returning to him after years and years of it being gone. “Well I’m not about to let you or anything else keep me away from my sister anymore! So face it, Bill. This is over. And you’ve lost!”

And with that, their hands finally connected, years and years of separation and grief ending in one moment of sheer love and triumph. The demon let out a wild screech of defeat as suddenly, without any warning of all, he was shoved straight out of his longtime vessel, back into his triangular form as he shot back into the open air. As Stan, Ford, and the Gems hurried after Bill and eventually forced him to retreat, the blue glow surrounding Dipper faded, his shared power gone as his eyes closed and he collapsed right into Mabel’s arms. She held onto him tightly, mostly out of fear that he’d be taken from her again if she ever let him go, as he trembled uncontrollably, his body and mind both in shock over just how much it had been through over the past few seemingly endless months. But even so, she was there for him, rubbing a hand over his back gently in an attempt to soothe him as she whispered gentle reassurances to him all the while.

“It’s ok, bro-bro,” she said softly, ignoring everything else going on around her as she reserved her attention solely for him. “Everything’s gonna be alright… it’s over now… You’re safe… you’re free… And that’s exactly how you’re gonna be from here on out… I promise…”

Dipper said nothing in response to any of this, mostly because his mind was still struggling to pull its ruined parts together again as it recovered from Bill’s incredibly toxic presence within it. But even so, he showed his appreciation for her comfort by slowly, shakily lifting his arms to return her embrace as he buried his face into her shoulder, knowing that this was perhaps the first time in seven years that he truly felt like he was no longer alone.

And even though tears were still running down her cheeks through it all, Mabel couldn’t help but smile, joy unlike any she had ever experienced before flooding her every sense. Because for the first time in seven years, through pain and scars and grief and guilt and everything else, he had reached out to her once more. Even if time couldn’t take back any of the things that had kept them apart in the past, they were finally together again.

And for both of the Pines twins, this was more than enough.

[allthatwehear]

it’s time for another blog post

Grief this season has been like,

laying on my floor and time is passing - I often don’t know how much time, but after a little while I become self-conscious of what I’m doing/the nothingness I’m doing, and I get angry at myself and wonder if anyone else just lays on their floor & wastes time.

(I talked to my sister the other day & told her that I watch the clouds pass, and she said she did it too -- “wait you do that too??”)

it’s been like, listening to a lot of music at night because it’s loud outside my house (actually quite noisy neighbors) and they irritate me & I lose my patience. and the music helps bring me to a different state of mind, because i need to stop ruminating on certain things/be brought to a new headspace. it’s been me dodging rooms when people walk in. physically gathering my things & looking like some antisocial jerk & running to my room, closing the door when I’m having phonecalls, even getting pissy with unexpected visits & when people take up my space. 

it’s been like, when people are speaking to me, i find I’ve been dissociating (don’t normally do this) and I’m nod my head routinely “yeah” so they think that i am listening, but truthfully my head is so full of strain & mush that not a lot is getting through. I can’t take a whole lot of information at once, and I can only take so much information about you, unfortunately. if people are just talking at me, and not with me, I am having a hard time.

even time itself, is a freakin’ blur - i had a close friend admit to me the other day, that they were sad i hadn’t visited their house (outside of school) during the three plus years I’d known them. & how on earth was I supposed to describe that for me, time is such a blur and I lost track of how much actually went by, and always intended to visit but I didn’t have the thoughts to make it happen? time is such a blur... and motivation. augh that motivation is a bitch.

it’s been drastically dropping people, communication-wise; people who I was previously making a set-goal to see on a regular basis (usual girl-dates), to new friendships I was fostering & then suddenly I disappear - though they are great people and great for me. I spoke to a close one of these people, on the phone (unheard of for me), and he so kindly asked what I needed of him. It all sort of rushed out, but I ended up explaining that I needed people not to be offended with me if I disappear for weeks sometimes, or just can’t answer that right now, or am able to talk on the phone one week but am not feeling up to it the next. if i have periods where I don’t want to go out. that legitimately, my needs and what I feel I can handle changes from minute to minute, sometimes. I had the strength & motivation to call my own sister & that took a lot, & when she didn’t pick up, I wasn’t ready to talk when she called back. I explained that I just sort of have to do things at whatever pace it comes at, but a lot of people will take that offensively or that I don’t love them -- and I totally get it. because who wants a friend who is so unreliable? who is there one moment, but gone the next? well unfortunately - that is just who I am at the moment. & he told me he’d never be upset for those tumultuous, unpredictable needs. and I said, “that’s what I need”. 

grief has been someone asking me if I’m going to look for jobs, since I just recently discovered I lost mine (that I intended to return to this month), and me thinking right back that I don’t even know what I’m going to do to get through the next day -- or going to do the next few hours. I’ve let go, currently, of quite a few things I was working really hard for: a cool leadership position at a young adult youth group I got, the youth group itself, my faith, itself... 

sometimes I feel like I’m going to melt through the floor. I feel my body & its weight and I think I’ll just sink; i’ll just sink. with every normal expectation people ask of me -- the “what did you do today’s?” and “what’re your summer plans?” to “what jobs do you want?”. they don’t realize that I crawl to bed at the sound, the overwhelm of those things. that they are asking almost impossible tasks of me, as I mourn the death of my second sibling, and their upcoming birthday (the 23rd, mind you). what I crave is something strange - but it’s actually a person to hold me, like, spoon me like a baby, because psychologically I feel like nothing can get me in that place and their body is essentially a “shield” from all evil -- or they’re “squeezing” all the “bad” out of me and replacing it with safety. because in my grieving head, I am 22 years-old, and that means I may have 60+ more years of traumatic, life-altering, heartbreaking, shattering events & sometimes I don’t know how to not let that just crumble & kill me inside. that I have all these years left - open, vulnerable, to be hit with suffering. 

grief, is unexplainable, though I like to try. I like to try because I want it to be understandable. because if people don’t understand grief they won’t understand how to support those grieving; because, inevitably, we’re all going to grieve something, it’s going to happen to all of us. 

I heard something -- to go back to time -- about grief the other day. it was by Dr. Zoe Donaldson, and she spoke in this profound TedTalk that I had to share with my mom, to my sister, to my instagram. “Hear this”, I thought. She said, so truthfully, “We have a tendency to talk about grief in terms of time. We say things like “time heals all wounds”, or “they are just moving through the stages of grief”, but I think this fails to give credit where credit is due. And that’s because time isn’t doing anything. Time is passing; and while it’s passing, your brain is working really hard to heal itself.”

“You brain has to take all of the moments of joy from that [lost] relationship --- everything that was good about it -- and it has to separate it just enough from the pain of the loss until you can get to the point of describing it as bittersweet. And this is crucial. You need to do this to move on, and reengage with a meaningful life.” 

“Despite the fact that we tend to conflate grief and depression, they’re actually different things. If you give someone who is grieving antidepressants, it won’t do anything to alleviate the core symptoms of grief. When we talk about those core symptoms of grief, we use terms that talk about the heart. We talk about a broken heart, a hole in our heart, words that give us a sense of yearning for that individual. And yearning, quite frankly, is not part of depression.” 

Yearning. Time passing. All of this struck such an intimate cord in my heart - because this was true. We are yearning for those people, that person. I yearn for the dimple on Caroline’s cheek and to watch Miyazaki with her while she doodles on the whiteboard perched on her lap. I yearn to hold Juge’s hands again, in the hospital room, and listen to that chipper, rising-high-pitched laugh of theirs to well-up the room.

Time passing. All I want, some days, is for this obnoxious life to be over with. For the time to pass -- because sometimes I actually want it to go away. Other days the desire for time to pass is for the deep, gut-wrenching emotions to pass - I utter “just get through another day”. In a sense we’re waiting for the “grief” to pass - though it won’t, but maybe it’s a hope.

ENDING????????

Do I include the job part??

here is a big grief thing I am experiencing, as a slight side-note, but I think significant to what’s going on in my life. significant to mention, because it was significant/heartbreaking enough, to me. I lost my job that was really important to me. I went through heartbreak while I was there. I persevered & pushed the management until I was a busser/server’s assistant, a job ordinarily readily offered to men - yet I had to jump through two interviews with two manager’s & demand pants. I went through the death of my second sibling there, & received an outpouring of love. I met some UW basketball celebrities & pushed myself til the point of almost crying in the back multiple times. I ate some really good desserts. And I made some very sweet, very humorous friends. and it became quickly like a family, a fish family, and I lost a little fish family of mine. I won’t forget the sunsets glistening in the water when I worked in the summer evenings, or the sports shows on as i swept the bar-floors riddled with fish n’ chips. it was a place I felt so comfortable in, after so much discomfort, & to have it ripped has been gruesome. a thing with grief is, once you have become accustomed & happy in a place, those places suddenly mean a whole lot more then usual. they mean that you don’t have to be thrown off with surprises; you know the ins & outs, they are yours now & you can breathe easy. well I lost one of those places. and I am upset and grief-ridden in another way. 

so friends - don’t forget, grieving doesn’t always occur after you’ve lost a physical being. it can also happen when you’ve lost that space where you perched outside your window in the apartment room with your morning coffee; your favorite first house after college, the tastes of a beloved restaurant, moving away from a family home, a pet’s caress, and more. don’t forget the “little” big things. and remember you can essentially grieve for it all - because inevitably change is a part of life, thus grieving those changes should be a part of life, too. 

I hope you give yourself space to remember the people/places/things you love, & talk about them constantly with your beloveds so they never go away from memory. I’d love to hear about them sometime. tell me about what you’ve lost - and recount the love/memories you gained before they were gone. 

END??

Draft

Grief has been like -- 

sometimes i am laying on my floor for actual hours, and I can’t do much more but watch the clouds pass. And i get angry at myself for doing that/feeling that, and I wonder if anyone else just lays on their floor & wastes time.

it’s been like -

putting headphones in at night because I need a different noise to lull me into a different state of mind. it’s been messages from people I was once making a firm habit to be talking to - or meet - & staring as their needs pile up & I quickly lose my will to continue connecting. because there come too many messages. and i get overwhelmed, and i just shut down.

even phone calls to my sister in Colorado - have narrowed & grown seldom. however for this, Maddie validates me by admitting “it’s a terrible month Sarah, and i kind of just had to cut off for a bit”. these words i understand like breath in my lungs.

it’s been people asking me if i’m looking for jobs and me even wondering what I can do to get through the next day - or the next few hours; what’s going to benefit me enough to bring me some sort of rest. it’s been letting go of several feats I conquered, interviews i had, and a church position I was in the past, proud to attain.

now it’s me letting go of the church, and sometimes meditating, or learning sanskrit. it’s been me /not/ doing things. not. doing. anything. it feels like any day now i’m going to melt through the floor.

sometimes I feel like a solid wall that nothing will get through. sometimes all, actually, constantly, all I crave is a human body behind me holding, tightly. to squeeze all the past & future attacks right out of me. deflect them. because i fear the other 60+ years of life i have still to live, because that just means 60+ possible more years of horror and hurt. and yes, i suppose that could be a form of ptsd. 60+ years of pain I may experience as a young 22 year old.

Fleetwood Mac speaks to me. my language has gotten coarser. and I’m starting to fear that the people who knew me back then, surrounded in school, won’t recognize me/will give me backlash for the changes that are happening inside.

[sapphirethesexyone]

2017 came in like a bitch and went out like a champ. It’s been a hell of a year. My whole life changed.

 I know this to be true because I went back exactly one year and read My end of the year blog post from 2016. It starts like this

 “I’m living a double life (or maybe triple lol) but I’m definitely living more than one. I appear online through My photos to be a vixen, a woman of the world who can make men fall to her feet. That’s a part of Me but not one I let out regularly. I play vixen.  Those who only see My words and never My pics would think I’m a nerd. Outside of My modeling, I am a paid blogger who writes 3 days a week for an urban blog. I am a magazine columnist for a monthly mag and on staff for another urban magazine, which I write for bi-monthly. Additionally, I work on My own writing projects and am completing My first book of erotic stories.  I also run a talent promotion and resource website. I build websites. I love to help people reach their dreams as I’ve been lucky enough to do a few times. I love knowing I’m on the cover of a book and magazines. I love that My xxx business led me to the top. I fucked the man himself, Ron Jeremy in 2012. I am ecstatic that My talent promotion business is opening a whole different set of doors for Me. I can’t wait to add published author to the list.

Outside of My work, I spend most of My time on the couch honestly. I love to spend a day lost in documentaries, a good book, or raunchy cartoon. I’m a pothead. I’m generally quiet because I find that the people I send time around are not as intelligent as I and we can’t communicate on a level I feel peaceful on. I hate arguing with an idiot or   trying to explain something to someone whose mind is closed. I rather tell them just do your own damn research and shut up. I LOVE to agree to disagree. It keeps the peace.

I don’t date. I tried. I quit. Men suck, no seriously. They look at Me   and form and idea of what I am, what they want from Me and they run with it. They don’t give a fuck that I don’t want the same. I’m tired of saying no more than once, tired of fighting men off Me, tired of men hanging around Me thinking I’m going to be the fantasy they’ve concocted in their heads. I’m not, I’m just plain ol’ Me. I don’t date.” Read the rest of this blog post http://sapphirethesexyone.tumblr.com/post/154933706857/2017-sapphirewho-is-this-chameleon-now

 Just reading those 5 paragraphs, I have no choice but to acknowledge how far I’ve come in 12 short months. A year is 365 days and this year, they flew by so fast, it felt like we had only half of that. My whole life is different. When I look back at the words I wrote last year, I am so proud of myself.

 Not even taking my individual accomplishments into account, I am extremely proud of the mindset shift that I’ve had in 2017, which led to a life I would have never anticipated 365 days ago.

 This time last year, I hated Myself and life. I felt lost. For the first time in My adulthood, I felt that I had no choice but to stand on My own two feet. I didn’t think I was ready. Since the age of 20 I have had a guardian angel, a man I called My best friend, he was so much more. He was My everything. He was My father figure, My best friend, the man who loved Me most in the world, My spiritual guide and My role model. I was mourning him this time last year, in a way, I have all year still.

 In April on 2017, we went out for a typical day out, lunch, movie and a long walk around the harbor talking. It was the last time we spent real time together, the next day I was at the hospital as he was rushed in for emergency surgery. His appendix had erupted and at the age of 73, he had other complications. He never woke up. His extremely religious family wouldn’t let him go. It’s been a year and a half, he’s still in a vegetative state I hear, he may have had a leg amputated.

It was My best friend that I always spent holidays with because I’m not close to My family. I hadn’t had him for the holiday season, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years’ Eve…..without him, I was miserable. Instead of My closest friend, I was spending the holidays with the person who had stepped up to fill his spot. The problem there, was that we weren’t getting along. After three years, we were still having a hard time finding balance in our relationship, like most men I encountered, we met through something sexual. We weren’t sexual, but he met Me as a cam girl.

 Because of how we met, as our friendship evolved, I had a hard time understanding if he was looking at Me as a friend or as a woman who turned him on. Some of his actions and gifts felt more like manipulation. He had recently helped Me get My dentures, which cost 6K. After helping Me, he started to say things that were borderline “you owe me” and I couldn’t deal. We were fighting constantly. On New Year’s Eve, we had a huge blowout. I was inspired to create a yearly goal for 2017, to strive for total independence because to Me, independence meant freedom.

 I live on My own, but I’m legally disabled. I work in the ways I can when I can but normal day to day activities and schedules don’t work for Me. I pay My bills with My disability check and whatever money I make is a supplement, it helps but I haven’t gotten to a point yet where I even make steady money to pay My own bills. This time last year I was in a much worse situation. I was barely making any money from My side business. Every month I needed help. My friend was paying My phone and cable every month and I still would be struggling.

 January 2017 was like every other January for Me, I was broke, miserable and trapped in the house for the most part. In the winter, My fibromyalgia flares up so badly that I am pretty much incapacitated in pain. February found Me hopeful, I was going to work towards independence and freedom. I just wanted to be happy, but getting there would be an adventure.

 February found Me hopeful of a new start, I didn’t realize just how different it would be. For Valentine’s Day in 2017, I decided to give Myself the best gift that I cold, freedom. I had been sexually chained to men whom I felt had no real use for Me beyond sex. If they had any other use for Me, they hadn’t made it known in so long, I had forgotten. Truthfully, I had little use for each but craved a friendship at least with the men I was sleeping with. All we had was sex. I told them all for Valentine’s Day that it was time to end it. This included men I had been sleeping with for 10 years down to men I had been sleeping with for 10 months.

 Life hit Me with another curveball right after that, another loss. I had been working intensively with My therapist for 7.5 years at least 1 to 3 days a week for over 7 years. I walked into my therapist’s office one day and she floored Me. After 7.5 years of weekly interaction, she told Me she couldn’t see Me any longer. Since I had started seeing her, she’d returned to school and obtained more degrees. At this point, she no longer could accept My state sponsored insurance.

 I went into a deep depression, I stayed in bed for about two weeks, crying and trying to figure out how I would go forth. Eventually, I dragged Myself out of bed.

 In late February, early March, I attended a workshop that changed My life. I thought I was going to learn how to publish a book in 30 days, I didn’t what I was attending was a sales seminar. The facilitator wanted to sell us her program, not give us her knowledge. I could respect that, but because of where I was in My life, business and writing career, I was able to take the knowledge she did give and figure out how to publish a book.

 I mapped out a plan of action and was ready to take the leap….as soon as My tax returns came in. After preparing My taxes, I realized I would only be receiving $300 back and that was nowhere near the $2000 I was expecting. I was discouraged. Realizing I didn’t really need that much to get started, I started thinking about how I could publish My book. I told a fan/customer My dilemma. They offered Me money, no strings attached. He started with $1.,000 Canadian money which turned out to be a little over $750 U.S. I took that and published My first book, SapphirErotica, bought a few domains names, built a few sites and purchased a bunch of marketing materials. I also paid to be a apart of a women’s empowerment tour that was popular at the moment.

 Once I published that book I felt like I had accomplished My main goal and it was time to move forward. I had 20 books in Me, I knew it. I immediately published a second book, then a 3rd and fourth. I started to publish anthologies, which I hadn’t anticipated doing from the beginning. Learning what I did in that workshop, I knew it was the way to go to gain real attention as a writer and make money as a writer at the same time.

 I had no clue the attention My new business and movement would start to attract. I told people I was stronger than my struggles. I had been fighting to be stronger than the things that had been trying to break me for a long time. I already had started to share My story via My Youtube series, The Sexy Sapphire Chronicles and Sapphire Says and had been blogging about My life for 10 years on and off. I had been wanting to connect with more women because I knew that My story and determination would resonate with Me. Because of My past in the sex industry, I had a hard time connecting with women. I had no female friends and though I was putting My story out, I wasn’t connecting with women like I wanted to.

 I’m shy and quieter than people would expect as I quoted from My post last year. In May, I decided that I would challenge Myself for the month of June to do 30 days of Facebook live. I had been wanting to do live videos but had been avoiding them because I was terrified about who I am and how it would display itself on camera. I’m unpredictable and prone to saying whatever, My mouth is reckless. I didn’t know how I would be received or how it would appeal to women. I didn’t want to sell, I wanted to connect, I wanted to be real.

 When I started my Facebook live challenge in June, I had only published two books and was working on My third. I started telling people about My aspirations, how I really wanted to move into office space or start earning enough money that I could easily rent space for the events that I wanted to have, including a free weekly writing workshop. I went in depth about how I wanted to be an asset to survivors and my community both/ I also talked about support and love. I was still beefing with My male friend who had been doing so much for Me, now I wanted and needed someone I could talk to who held no resentments, wanted nothing from Me and who would hear Me out. I had already cut off all My lovers and this point, not only did I feel friendless, but alone.

 Through My almost daily Facebook live videos, I found Myself opening up in a way I hadn’t in years. I’d get on cam and talk sometimes for three hours straight and people would turn in from start to finish. It was then I realized that I wasn’t alone. I just didn’t have the conventional support that I had been seeking. These strangers via Facebook started to become a part of My life in a way, they were My support, My family. I couldn’t wait to log in and share My day.

 By the end of June, I had amazing news to share. In My boldness and happiness from feeling so free and accepted I had filled out an application to move into the Impact Hub. I had first found out about the place a little over a year prior to My joining. I had been attending free monthly networking meetings there and had attend a few other events in the space. The building was beautiful, and the vibe was familial. I had checked out the costs of membership a few times and hated life because it was out of reach for someone like Myself, on a fixed income. Something drew Me back in June, the same voice that said that it was time to go live.

 When I went to the website, there was a link that had not previously been visible. It said scholarship. I filled out the form, hopeful but not thinking they would pay Me much mind. I bared My soul, telling them how I used to be a former whore and that I was working to now run legit businesses and I wanted a creative space to belong and rejoin the community.

 Within a week I had received a message that they wanted to meet Me, once I arrived, I was told that I was in. I immediately leapt into action on putting My workshops into play.

 I wanted to get acclimated at the new office, but I had to wait until July 5th for My member ship to start, after the holiday. I had recently started spending time with a woman I had met in a writing workshop a few years back, one day she suggested we go to lunch. I had recently discovered HoneyGro and took her there to eat and then to the museum to enjoy the sculpture garden. I had the bright idea that I’d show her the building where I would be having My new office, we stopped past the Impact Hub.

 As we left to head back to our respective homes, it started to rain and instead of our normal bus, we hopped the first one that came, a free purple route circulator. The moment we stepped on the bus, My eyes were immediately drawn to the back of the bus. There in the back, in the center seat, sat the most perfect chocolate man I had seen in years. He was Black, dark, locs cascading down his back. He looked up and smiled, his smile was gold, literally. He had fronts but his smile was still beautiful. He was on his phone and I was on the prowl.

 My girlfriend and I sat across from each other on either side of him and I started to engage her in convo that I hoped would get his attention, it did. He spent the rest of the bus ride engaging us both but focusing on Me. When she got off the bus earlier than us both, we weren’t complaining. Turns out he worked near My house and was headed to work. I could have enjoyed some time with him on the rest of the 40-minute ride, but I had to make a post office run in the rain. We parted, he immediately text Me. We’ve been seeing each other since, in 2 days it will be 6 months.

 He’s far from perfect, in fact, he’s stronger than his struggles and that is why I have fallen for him. On our first visit and time spent alone, I was overwhelmed by the chemistry between us two. I felt like a snack and could tell he was hungry. I told him day one that I had herpes and had been infected for 19 years. He held Me while I cried, kissed Me and then told Me it was okay. We made love. He also came clean about himself that day, he was a former street dude, a thug in a lot of ways, a criminal in others, he had been to jail and for a 10-year period or so, he was an addicted deadbeat. He had fallen into this culture of pill popping and lean sipping and went years without a proper job, he had been homeless, he has 8 children.

 He was honest that at the time, he was living in a transitional housing situation. Technically, still homeless. However, his personality was so refreshing, so humbling and his spirit so beautiful, that none of this mattered to Me. In fact, for two months or so, we were happily moving along until he told Me who one of his two baby mothers was. It devastated Me, she and I used to be like best friends in high school and he has 4 kids with her. I immediately cried and stressed, loving him felt wrong but I wasn’t willing to walk away either. I asked him to tell him, it’s been 4 more months, he hasn’t yet. But we had a good convo about it yesterday because he’s ready for Me to start meeting his kids I think. He started talking about it and I told him I have no problem, after she is aware of who he is dating. She can only hear it from one of us, I would hate for her to find out any other way, though we sure don’t hide in public.

 I couldn’t believe how My summer was going. By August 1st, I had gotten comfortable at the Impact hub, published a third book, was head over heels for the guy I had met and had facilitated My first two workshops. I was on top of the world. My year had started tumultuous, but I noticed that since I started making determinations and plans in February, My life had changed. It was as if I took control.

 From August forth, I was unstoppable. There were workshops and speaking engagements. I saw Myself on a skyscraper billboard. I published 3 more books and made plans to launch a publishing company. My blogging had led to such great assignments as being paid to interview r&b legend Kenny Lattimore. My curiosity led Me to attend networking events that would have before scared Me in size and nature. I learned to walk into room that I once would have felt uncomfortable in, with My head held high. I met celebrities, heard media and business icons speak live in person. I even met a Ghanaian Queen.

 In October I launched My coaching programs. I had been doing coaching sessions, which are almost like therapy here and there but was unhappy with the way I could monitor the progress of the people who were paying Me for help. Launching My signature program gave My coaching structure and allowed Me to help them in a better way and also to keep track of their progress.

 I was shocked when a woman whom I had met in August at one of My workshops signed up for coaching. In August, she had driven from Connecticut to attend My book publishing workshop and have a one on one meeting with Me. We really got along well, but truthfully, I was a little intimidated by her. She was tall, beautiful, outgoing and had the letters PhD, behind her name. I’m glad I took her one as a client, Over the last few months, she’s taught Me more than she knows and has helped Me grow in more ways than one.

 She’ll be publishing her book this month and I can’t wait. She approached Me in the last week twice with statements that made My day. Once she asked about investing My business, the next time she came back and told Me she wanted to write a book with Me. I was amazed, not only do we make a great team and work well together, but I can’t get over the thought of seeing My name on the cover of a book next to that of a doctor. I’m here for it though, you hear?

 A woman I met in the summer has become My closest friend, My business bestie if you will. I had been doing local radio spots and promo to advertise My book in June or July. After a few appearances on a particular show, the host told Me about another show he thought I’d be a good fit for as co-host. Once I met the main host of the show, it was obvious that she had checked out. I could see her passion beneath the surface for another project she had That was her baby and where he energy flowed. I told her I’d come out and support her event. I did the following month.

 I went in shy, not sure what to expect and by My 3rd month there, I felt like family. I found Myself anticipating the day of the month that we could go fellowship. The woman was so nice and open that I felt comfortable enough to ask her to support My writing workshop, she obliged. Back and forth it seems we would trade favors or compliments until I looked up to and realized that I trusted her. We had become friends. I haven’t had female friends in so long. The bonus? Her wife is just as cool and down to earth. I made one friend and got two.

 2017 was a year of progress and growth with just a sprinkle of real life bullshit thrown in. My ex has continued to weave his way in and out of My life, getting my hopes all up that he’ll change. He won’t’ and in 2018, I won’t even allow Myself to be fooled into thinking he will. We spent Christmas night together. I think I will look at that as closure. My son has determined that he will be a lost cause and there is nothing I can do to stop him. My step mother has joined his cause. I’m literally so tired of her undermining My authority as a parent that though I know she has been allowing My son to run the streets of Baltimore at all times of night when I have not approved of it, I’ve said nothing. Instead I’ve checked out and went back to basics. The government said food, clothing and shelter, I provide those, leave Me alone for the rest.

 Giving up on your kid is hard but condoning who he is becoming is not an option and trying to change someone else is fruitless. He has to decide eh is tire do f living the way he is. Sadly, in less than a year, he will be 18. I’m not the cut you off at 18 type parent, IF you’re doing what you’re supposed to as a young adult. He has no hope. I don’t see him getting it together til about twenty. I’ll be here then.

 The biggest obstacles I faced all year were trying to make My son care about his future, figuring out who I am love and relationship wise, (am I monogamous or poly?) missing the two people who had been the most influential parts of My life, My therapist and best friend and the constant battle for respect with the guy who stepped into the role of best friend when Mine no longer could fill the role.

 The biggest wins I had in 2017 were

 ·         Becoming a published author and releasing 6 of the 9 books I finished

·         Moving into a co-working space

·         Launching My Stronger Than My Struggles

·         Becoming more a part of the local arts community

·         Falling in love

·         Being taken seriously as a coach

·         Being booked to speak in front of so many people

·         Getting closer to My goal of financial independence. I now pay My own bills every month.

·         Cut off the men who were using Me sexually

·         Found out that I was indeed capable of being successful without My shrink

·         Learned so much about entrepreneurship

·         Being named honorary BADD Girl of the year by BADD Magazine

·         Interviewing Kenny Lattimore

·         Made female friends

  And there were so many more wins. 2017 was great. For the first time I even beat the holiday blues season. I didn’t get depressed, hate life and avoid everyone after thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a little hard on Me, it was the second without My best friend who was really My everything. I was better afterwards though and Through Christmas and the new year, the holiday blues never took hold of Me.  For once, I looked at engagement pictures and happy family photos on social media and said, “they deserve that”, instead of why not Me. I have come a long way.

 Yesterday was New Year’s Eve and I didn’t make any significant plans. Thanksgiving I had chosen to spend alone. Christmas eve into Christmas morning I spent with My ex, getting the closure that a woman deserves after almost 3 years of nonsense. Christmas Day, I spent with the friend who had taken My best friend’s place. I already knew the guy that I’ve been seeing had to work, besides, he has eight kids, there was little hope of spending time with him. Though I hadn’t planned on seeing him, I found Myself bothered by his lack of communication over the holiday. I was ready to call it off.

 I snapped at him and told him I felt insignificant and I don’t allow that. He apologized and said he wanted to do better and that he loved Me. It was the first time he had said it and it caught Me off guard. He surprised Me on New Year Eve and wanted to spend the day together before work. I was ecstatic, I understood not only did he want to see Me, but he wanted Me to not be mad, he wanted Me to know I matter. I already had plans to hang out with a friend but cut them short with the swiftness. I made us some dinner, cleaned up and prepared to feel loved on. He didn’t disappoint.

 When he walked in My door looking like God in human form I was reminded of the day we met and how this attraction has been instant from moment one. We spent the day in bed, laughing and talking, cuddling and figuring out our future. We discussed what we wanted from each other and where we were both at mentally in the relationship. It was so different and needed. I was able to confess to him that I was glad he wasn’t ready for commitment because I was afraid I wasn’t ready either and the idea of Me fucking up and losing him totally scared Me all the time. He mentioned Me meeting his kids finally, I told him how My son could benefit from hearing his story.

 All day, we did what we do best, comfort each other, listen to each other and watch cartoons. Before it was time for him to prep for work, I got up and made him a plate then kept him company while he ate. After he left, there were still 3 hours before midnight, I called a long-time associate and told them come bring in the new year with Me. We got stupid high and watched the new Dave Chappelle stand ups on Netflix until I finally passed out near 2 a.m.

 I woke up at quarter to five this morning, on the couch, hung over from weed and smiling. I sat up and started to finish typing this on the brand new 2018 laptop I received for Christmas. My new best friend still does things for Me, but the dynamics of our friendship has changed. He does them now understanding that it gives him no leverage at all. With or without him I will have the things I need and want and I won’t tolerate any bullshit being sent My way. We’ve found balance.

 I had spent the prior day with 3 men but had only been intimate with one. For those who know about My sex ocd, that was a big step, right? I am secure in the fact that while I currently don’t want anyone but the guy I am seeing, that if I slip up and exchange physical energy with someone else, it won’t ruin what I have, I just have to be safe unlike when I fucked My ex unprotected.  I took control of My life in 2017. I called all the shots and visualized the things I wanted before getting them.

 In 2018 I will continue to move forth with the same purpose and passion. I have things in store for Myself and My business that I can’t wait to embark on.

 Yet, the most important milestone of 2018 will be October 11th, the day My son turns 18. I have tried for years to get My son back on track and it has been disastrous. As a parent, for the last year, I’ve wanted to check out. The law doesn’t allow that however, and I’m fully responsible for My son, no matter how fucked up he decides he will be. That changes on October 11, 2018. I will always be his mother, but no longer will I be his scape goat or the one they call when he fucks up. This kid has 10 months left to blame Me for why his life is shit and then I get to say oh well. I’ve been looking forward to it and I can’t wait.

 2017 I set myself up for a life of financial freedom, in 2018 I will claim it and My son will no longer be My responsibility, just My son.

 2018 here I come. You ready?

Check out My books on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Melony-Hill/e/B071NF1ZCL/ 

Check out My website and other blog at http://www.strongerthanmystruggles.com 

Add Me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100011090133858 

Follow Me on Instagram http://www.instagram.com/strongerthanmystruggles 

[fanfiction-and-coffee]

Could you give me some fluffy or angsty headcanons on Steph/Jason? They're my OTP and also so, so rare haha

JAYSTEPH IS MY FAVORITE RAREPAIR I LOVE THESE TWO AND I THINK THEY’D BE SO GOOD TOGETHER TBH. seriously though, I’ve always said that there’s huge potential for a really compelling dynamic with these two… they have so much in common and they’d balance so well…. @ dc let jason and stephanie be friends you cowards

Okay, so, comic timelines are generally a mess, and I’m really, really bad about reading storylines out of order anyway, so I don’t actually know if Stephanie’s death happened before or after the Under The Hood storyline. But either way, I’m pretty sure that when Jason found out that another Robin “died” in the line of duty, he’d be really torn up about it, even if he’d never met Stephanie before that point. 

And when he finds out how Bruce reacted to Stephanie’s death, he’s livid. I mean, Jason has his issues with the Batdad, sure, but at least Bruce mourned Jason. Jay got a gravestone and a memorial in the Batcave – Stephanie got nothing. (Later we find out that this is because Bruce knew she wasn’t really dead, but Jason doesn’t know that and he’s furious. Like, scary furious. He never even met this kid, but he knows she deserves better than this.) 

Stephanie, for her part, has never understood the rest of the Batfam’s hostility toward Jason – sure, he’s done some bad things, but he’s Bruce’s son. She also can’t say she blames him or even disagrees with his methods – Stephanie of all people knows that sometimes you have to take drastic measures to deal with criminals, and she’s always quietly disagreed with Bruce’s very black-and-white morality system.

It’s because of all this that Stephanie starts reaching out to Jason when she goes solo as Spoiler again. She doesn’t have Bruce’s limitless budget, or Dick’s knack for making powerful allies, or Barbara’s hacking skills, and she knows that the Red Hood has both the connections and the reputation to help her establish herself in Gotham’s underworld, and she’s not so proud that she won’t ask for help.

Jason is a little shocked when he finally meets Spoiler face-to-face because she reminds him so much of himself back in his Robin days. She’s snarky and passionate and has personal reasons for wanting to get as many criminals off the streets as possible, and it all feels achingly familiar. He’s also a little horrified because she has way less training than he or any of the other Robins did, and she was basically tortured to death, and yet she’s already throwing herself back into the game, and she’s even doing it with a goofy smile and bad puns. 

His thought process is basically, “Someone’s gotta help this kid out before she gets herself killed again,” and since Bruce has turned down her offers to join Team Batman, Jason guesses he’ll have to do it himself. 

What starts out as a strictly professional working relationship quickly evolves into a friendship that both of them desperately needed. From the constant stream of witty banter and playful teasing while they’re on patrol together to Jason helping her edit her English papers to Stephanie inviting him to spend Thanksgiving with her and her mom since she knows he doesn’t have anyone else to celebrate with, working together is a very positive thing for both of them. 

Stephanie “I fall in love with literally all of my best friends” Brown is definitely the first one to realize she’s Caught Feelings™, but because Jason is a couple of years older and she never really hears him talk about romance, she assumes that he’s not interested and just kinda shrugs it off. And she’s so flirtatious and affectionate in her platonic relationships that nothing really changes in her behavior now that she’s developed a crush. 

Jason takes a lot longer to realize that his feelings for Stephanie may have progressed past the friendship level. He and Steph were probably having a movie night or something and somewhere in the middle of the movie she falls asleep with her head on his shoulder and he finds himself looking down at her with this goofy grin on his face and then he’s just – oh shit. 

He also tries to shrug it off (bc baby boy has some self-esteem issues and probably assumes Steph could do better than him), but he’s a lot less skilled at hiding his emotions than she is, so it only takes a couple of weeks before Stephanie pulls him aside and asks if he’s doing okay, because she’s noticed he’s been acting a little weird lately? 

And Jason is just. screaming inside, but she’s looking at him with those big blue eyes and this really concerned expression and he’s pretty sure he’s forgotten how to breathe. He says in this really quiet voice, “I’m about to do something really stupid. Stop me if you’re uncomfortable, okay?” and then he kisses her.

Imagine his surprise when she throws her arms around his shoulders and enthusiastically returns the kiss. 

When they come up for air, she grins and quips, “Actually, I think that’s the best idea you’ve had in a while.” And then kisses him again.

This post is starting to get kinda long bc I have A Lot of Feelings about these two, but I’m gonna stop it here. (I’m literally always craving jaysteph content tho so like…. hmu if you have more requests or have your own headcanons you wanna share.) 

[superleeleehipster]

“Rest and Relaxation” Pt. 3

So here we are, another chapter. I liked the setting of the story so I wanted to expand and play with it a little bit.

And don’t worry, some good loving in this chapter too because Caryl deserves as much loving as possible after all the bullshit they’ve been through... in my opinion at least.

Rated M, for sexytime and language. Enjoy guys!

Carol squealed quietly as she stepped foot in the cool ocean for the first time, trying to take advantage of a beautiful hot day at the beach. She slowly made her way to where it was waist deep before dunking herself in the water. She came back up in a gasp as the cool waters sent shivers through her body, but it felt good with the heat of the day. 

The area in which the house was in seemed to not be affected as much with the tide, for the largest waves she had seen weren’t even above her head. But she didn’t mind, for the calm waters failed to stir up the bottom, and she took her time peering through the clear water as she tried to see any shells or fish. 

She leaned back up and had to chuckle to herself at the thought. Finding seashells? Now that’s something she never thought she’d ever think of doing again. The idea of taking her time to find shells after everything they’ve gone through to this point, and everything she’d done, it almost seemed kind of stupid. 

But this was her vacation dammit, and if she wanted to do stupid trivial things then she was going to do it!

She stretched her arms out and smiled before falling backwards into the water as she reveled in the memories of her time here. These past few weeks have been absolutely amazing to say in the least, to finally be with Daryl like she’d wanted for a long time. Being with him made her feel beautiful and desired, and she couldn’t help but feel a bit prideful that the gruff and intimidating, yet attractive hunter had chosen her to be with. But being at the beach house also made her realize that he was right, she really did need a break from everything. She was just so used to putting her needs on the back burner for others that she didn’t even realize it herself.

It wasn’t just their love life she enjoyed though, it was just finally being able to spend some time with him. He was still her best friend, and it was nice just to take a moment and talk about anything. Sometimes they’d talk about before the turn, random things about childhood. Other times it was on sadder subjects like Sophia or their shared history of abuse. But it was nice to strengthen that friendship they already had together.

She turned towards the house for any signs of Daryl before being disappointed again, missing him already despite only seeing him 4 days ago. He had left in the morning to go on a hunt for them, and he’d warned her that it might take him a couple days to get back, but she couldn’t help the need for him to be close by. It wasn’t like they needed food, for they were stocked to the max with shelf food. But you could only eat so many cans of food before you start to crave anything but the same thing for dinner. 

Still, neither of them liked leaving each other, but it was even worse now that they were finally together. She had assumed it would be like that of course, but it was also different than what she expected. It was like she was missing a piece of her, something that only he could put back once he was around. It sounded cliche and somewhat cheesy, but that was the best way she could describe it to herself.

She squatted under the water and massaged her upper thighs, trying to soothe them as the cool waters helped the remaining soreness from her body. If there was anything good she had to pick out from his absence, it was the fact that her body was given a break from the action. Since their first night together, they had sex pretty much twice a day, morning and evening, and it probably would’ve been more had he not had a body in it’s forties. But what he lacked in recovery time he sure as hell made up in stamina.

One day it was even more than that, for somehow his body had forgotten it’s real age that day, but in hindsight it might’ve been the cup of instant espresso coffee she had given him when he asked what it tasted like. 

She loved being with him, loved having his arms around her as they joined together. But her body was not young either, and part of her thanked the universe that he went on a hunt to give her a break. She knew she couldn’t say no to him, for she wanted him as much as he wanted her, but she was grateful to have at least a few days off from their now favorite activity.

She waded in the waist deep water, looking down as the small fish swam by her legs and found something shining back at her. She deftly picked it up with her toes and brought it to her hand before washing the sand off the conch shell . It was small enough to fit in one hand, but it was stunning none the less. It was a sandy color on the outer edge with beautiful red strips and the opening of the shell had a smooth texture with a mixture of a coral and white coloration. 

She got out of the water and moved her towel to an open area close to the water, just in case a walker came out of the treeline, before sitting down and looking at the shell dreamily.

She was taken back quite a few years ago to the beach vacation she had with Sophia. She had always told herself growing up that when she had kids, she’d take them to the beach every chance she got, just so that they had the same experience she had with her parents. But of course, things seldom worked out the way she planned them.

But there was one time, when Ed had gone away on a business trip for a week, a rarity even for his job, and she knew it’d be their best shot. She knew it would be risky, for there’d be hell to pay if he found out she went without his permission. But she wanted to give Sophia something to look back on with a smile, and that was worth any beating she would possibly get from her husband. 

So she gathered up her daughter, who was 8 years old at the time, and a cooler of snacks before heading out in the early morning hours to spend the day at the beach. She bought the lawn chairs and the towels once she was there, planning to throw them away after since she didn’t want to worry about Ed finding any sand in the car or in the house somehow. 

Once on the beach, she and Sophia had the best time of their lives. They were only there for part of the day, but it was one of those rare moments in time where they could pretend what was happening at home wasn’t their life. Carol saw her daughter come out of her shell completely and run around laughing as they did whatever they wanted, catching sand fleas, finding seashells, or just playing in the water. 

It was the first time Carol really had a moment of resistance towards Ed, even though he wasn’t there to witness it. For once, she didn’t allow her fear of him to play it safe, and her daughter had a wonderful time because of it. Thankfully, he never did find out, and her and Sophia were able to find some joy at having a wonderful secret kept between the two of them. 

Sophia kept some of the shells they found in a shoebox under her bed and had it very well hidden from her father so he wouldn’t find out. And at one point, Carol had come into her room after Ed passed out in his drunken stupor, making sure her daughter was okay after the ‘fight’ they had downstairs. It was then Sophia told Carol that she took her shells out often when she wanted to forget about the monster they lived with. Carol never felt more of an urge to leave than at that moment. But it was only a few weeks later when they all had to pack up and flee the city...

Carol sniffed and felt a few tears run down her cheeks as she looked at the seashell, thinking about her daughter. If she had the choice, of course she would want Sophia to be there with her and Daryl. The thought of him being her role model as a father figure brought a new wave of sadness, and she couldn’t help but mourn at all the things she dreamed about for her daughter. 

For the longest time she blamed herself for her daughter’s death, naturally. She welcomed the pain from it because she thought she deserved it. But somehow, through healing, she came to understand that it wasn’t on her, and that she accepted what happened to her, as well as the actions she’s done along the way. 

At first, it seemed more difficult to deal with the pain once she accepted herself than when she felt guilty. When she was at fault, her pain was there to punish her for her wrongdoing. But once she forgave herself, she no longer understood why it still hurt so much. She no longer deserved it, so why did she still have it? But soon, she began to move forward from it, thinking back to her daughter’s memories with joy and happiness instead of anguish. 

She allowed herself to have moments like these though, whenever they came, giving herself some time to mourn for her daughter so that she could continue healing. 

“I miss you baby girl,” she whispered to herself, rubbing the conch shell with her thumb. 

She was so focused on her memories that she barely heard the faint whistling from a distance. She turned around to see Daryl waving at her from the house with a small doe slung on his shoulders. She smiled brightly and waved back before hugging her knees to her chest and biting her lip, trying to contain her excitement as her core came to life again.

“Damn traitor,” she said to herself as her core began to heat up in anticipation.

It was true that things seldom happened the way she pictured them, but Daryl Dixon was a good example of that being a good thing. He showed her that you can have a life after so much death, you can find happiness despite the world ripping you to shreds again and again. For a reason she did not know, her daughter wasn’t supposed to be on this earth anymore. But the universe was at least gracious enough to give Carol unconditional love to help her through the bad times, and help her find the good again.

A few hours she realized he was cleaning up the deer, a good decision considering how the smell could attract some unwanted attention. So she decided to head in the water one more time to cool off her body. But after she dunked herself, she heard the whistle again, this time much closer, and she smiled before peering behind her to see him walking down the beach. She could tell he had just showered, most likely cleaning up the aftermath of skinning the deer. But she couldn’t help but groan at the sight of him strutting towards her.

Why did he have to look so good walking towards her? 

When he got to her section of the beach, he shrugged his shoulders. “You gettin’ out? Or am I gonna have to chase ya down?” he yelled to her.

She bit her lip trying to stifle a giggle. “You’re just going to have to get in and get me.”

He narrowed his eyes but smirked before undressing himself down to just his pants. He calmly walked into the water towards her, and she felt a shiver run up her spine, for he was looking at her like she was prey. 

He glanced down at her top and smirked. “Like the bathing suit.”

She looked down and rolled her eyes as she tried to fix her boobs that kept threatening to burst free. She had found her closet stocked with different styles of bathing suits, but the sizes weren’t exactly matching what she needed.

“Whoever was on bathing suit duty failed miserably.”

He snorted, slowly coming closer to her. “I think that was Sherry.”

She sighed. “Well apparently Sherry got every size imaginable for bottoms but was very confident I was a small for a top.” She looked down at her very tight tankini top. “I know I’m short, but that doesn’t mean everything else is small.”

He huffed. “Well, in her defense, it sure as hell surprised me when I saw them.”

She gasped in mock outrage and tried to splash him but he dove under the water towards her, and she squealed when she tried to run away from him. His strong arms wrapped around her waist and he hauled most of her body out of the water. She yelped and laughed as he peppered kisses all over her face before hugging her tightly against him. 

“Missed ya,” he whispered into her neck.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I missed you too.”

He leaned back and pressed his forehead against hers, sighing in content. This was a new habit they’ve developed where they’d rest their foreheads against each other in a sort of intimate ‘greeting’. It reminded her of how cats greet each other, but she didn’t mind it at all. It made her feel safe, it made her feel loved

She leaned back to look at him. “Where’d you put the deer?”

“Freezer. Didn’t take long to get the meet off so I stored it in there. Then chucked everything else a few acres from here.”

“Where did you clean it up?”

“Outside and away from the house. Don’t worry, I covered the area in deer piss.”

Her eyes became wide and had a disgusted look. “You covered it in deer piss? Since when did you have deer piss?”

He laughed. “Found a bottle of it in a hunting store nearby. It’s good to use if ya wanna mask your scent and attract a buck.”

Her face scrunched up in disgust and he laughed. “I didn’t even know you could buy deer pee in the stores.”

“It’s a little hard to find, but you could usually find it in areas where hunting’s popular.”

“Huh... so it will mask the scent of blood but we might wake up to a buck in front of the house tomorrow morning?”

“Hey, makes my job easier,” he quipped, making her laugh. He placed her back on her feet but chuckled lightly when he looked down to her chest. 

She followed his eyes and huffed loudly in aggravation. “Dammit!” She tried to pull her top up again.

“Just take the damn thing off. It’s obvious they want freedom,” he said with a smirk.

She swatted his arm. “No, I am not freeing them in public.”

“What public are ya talkin’ about?” he huffed, looking around them like he was looking for something.

“I know I know,” she sighed. “I’m just not a fan of showing off.”

“I don’t mind,” he purred as he reached for the knot in the strings.

She quickly grabbed his hands. “No, no. They’re only coming out indoors.”

He sighed in mock frustration before giving her a loving kiss. “Nothing but perfection in that body of yours sweetheart. Don’t ever think anything different.”

She smiled and rested her head on his chest, hugging him tightly as he stroked her back. 

But the moment was cut short when she yelped and grabbed his arm in a panic. “Fish!”

He burst out laughing as she tried to climb him like an opossum. “Woman, you’re not afraid of psychopaths but you are with fish?”

“I’m not afraid of fish!” she hissed as she hung from his flexed arm, trying to keep her feet lifted from the sandy bottom. “I just hate the slimy feeling of them.”

He snorted before picking her up bridal style and heading out of the water. 

“My hero,” she said, giggling into his neck.

He huffed out a laugh. “Stop.”

The logs cracked a few times as the fire grew in the fireplace. She and Daryl were lounging on the couch with a blanket draped over them as they let their amazing dinner settle in their stomachs. 

With a working oven, she decided to slow cook the venison and make it similar to pulled pork. It would take longer for it to cook through, but she knew it would be worth it. But due to the beach day, Carol had forgotten to eat any lunch, so she was practically drooling by the time the venison was finished in the early evening hours.

“Best damn meal I’ve ever had,” Daryl quipped, dragging his fingertips over her shoulder. 

“I must admit, I did really good.” 

He huffed. “How’s your back?” 

“Not as bad now,” she replied, her mild sunburn calming down after he applied some aloe on her. 

She was quiet for a while so he turned his head towards her. “What’s on ya mind?” he asked.

She sighed. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot today.”

Daryl tensed slightly, for talking about her daughter was still a little touchie for him too, although he was feeling better about it. But he got himself together and tugged her closer to him.

“In what way?” he asked.

She smiled softly. “She and I went on a day trip to the beach when she was younger. It was the first time I ever went against Ed, and even though I could’ve gotten a beating, I don’t regret it. She had that one day where she could be by herself.” 

He nodded and brought the other arm around her, the temptation to get angry at her dead husband still alive and well. 

“It’s just hard sometimes, especially with moments like these where life isn’t all that bad... I can’t help but wonder what it’d be like for her to be alive right now... she would’ve loved having a life without Ed.”

“You’re forgettin’ how much shit we’ve gone through between then and now... even if she did live through all of it, who knows how this life could’ve effected her. She could’ve gotten cold... Carl almost did at one point.”

She nodded. “Yeah I know. I shouldn’t think about the what if’s. But every now and then it gets hard.” She sat up and looked at him. “You would’ve been a great father figure for her.”

He huffed. “Nah, ain’t good with that kinda stuff.”

“Well how do you know, you’ve never tried.” When she saw his insecurities she grabbed his hand. “You’re nothing like him Daryl. Knowing the man you are now, and the way you treat me, she would’ve loved you.”

His face softened and nodded. “Glad you think so.”

She smiled and moved the hair out of his face. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being who you are... for showing me that life is still worth living, that there is still something to live for.”

His expression changed into a conflict between being grateful for what she said and not feeling he deserved it. But he cupped her face and kissed her lovingly, showing her what she meant to him. She positioned herself to straddle him and kissed him back, his arms coming around her in a big bear hug as they made out like teenagers on the couch. Soon, things began to heat up quickly as the pent up desire from not having each other for a few days became too overwhelming to bear.

“Need ya,” he panted between kisses.

She smiled and nodded before getting off him and giving a hand to help him off the couch. But before she could turn for the bedroom he gently picked her up bridal style and carried her to the bedroom himself as she tried her best to keep the nervous giggle from coming out of her body.

They took their time, savoring the moment as they slowly undressed each other. He no longer showed much nervousness when it came to loving her, for he learned that this was a safe place, that he could express himself without humiliation or embarrassment. So even if there’s a slight hick up, like their heads colliding, they simply laugh it off and continue. Even the notorious bra clasp, which wound up being a formidable foe, was no longer a match for him as he nearly perfected the technique of unclipping it. 

When they were fully naked, she tried to get on top of him, for that was his favorite position. They really hadn’t explored that much when it came to different positions to try because she was waiting for him to be ready. But she never complained, for she really enjoyed the angle as well. But he stopped her this time and laid her back down on the bed before kissing his way down her body. 

“Daryl,” she panted as she watched him kiss lower and lower. “What are you-”

“Wanna treat ya right,” he whispered, kissing around her navel before looking back up at her, sensing her tense up. “What’s wrong?”

She sighed shakily. “No one’s ever...”

He nodded, his chin resting on her stomach. “Want to.”

“You sure?” she asked, unable to hide the fear in her voice.

“Only if you’ll let me,” he whispered before kissing below her bellybutton, making her shiver. 

They had definitely explored each other the last few weeks, trying to find each other’s erogenous zones to please their partner. But for the most part, it was their hands roaming each other’s bodies. She was merely waiting for him to be ready for the next step, but now that it was here, she couldn’t help the insecurity of what if he didn’t like it, or what if he became less interested somehow because he didn’t like it.... But God help her, she wanted to try.

She gripped the sheets and nodded. “O-Okay.”

He smiled softly before wasting no time and giving her folds one slow lick, groaning into her heat as she gasped above him. He did that a few more times before exploring her heat, loving the whimpers and moans she was making as he pleased her with his tongue. He wanted to try this due to curiosity more than anything, but he soon became drunk with lust from the smell of her, of the taste of her, and he couldn’t get enough of it. 

Carol raised herself on her elbows and looked down to see him ravishing her like his life depended on it, and she fell back and grabbed his hair as she moaned from the intense pleasure. She couldn’t believe how good this was making her feel, and the familiar fire within her core was escalating quickly. Her body began to shake as her panting became louder, and she kept a firm grip on his hair, making sure he stop what he was doing.

“Daryl,” she pleaded, whimpering as he played with her bundle of nerves.

“Mmm?” he moaned into her heat, making her yelp from the sudden vibrations.

“Please don’t stop.”

Suddenly he rose up and glanced at her with a mischievous grin, an expression she wanted to smack at the moment. “No! Wha... what are you doing?” At the nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, she whined shamelessly. “Why did you stop?!” She knew she was begging but she didn’t care, she was too damn close to care.

He dipped two fingers inside her and she gasped, some of her frustrations mixing into pleasure as he fingered her closer to the edge. But just as she thought she was about to tip over, he removed his fingers from her with that same stupid smirk on his face.

“What the fuck?!” she hissed, her eyes filling up with tears of ultimate frustration. 

But just as she was deciding whether or not to punch him, he dove back down between her legs and she yelped, grabbing his hair instantly as he devoured her. 

“P-Please,” she whimpered, tears running down her face. 

Luckily for his own safety, he didn’t stop this time, and she moaned shamelessly as she finally felt her core ignite, sending waves upon waves of pleasure all over her body. The more pleasure she felt, the louder she got, and she couldn’t give a rat’s ass on the choked scream she let out at one point. Her body convulsed as he lapped up her arousal again and again, moaning into her heat as she twitched from his vibrations. 

After a few minutes she finally calmed down, and he gave her one more lick before kissing his way back up her body. He leaned on his hand that was propped up by his elbow and looked at her with that same old smirk which looked like he owned the earth.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “You’re an asshole.”

He snorted, running his hands along her breasts. “Liked hearin’ ya beg.”

She sighed. “That was just mean though.”

“Didn’t think ya minded after a certain point...” he smirked.

The glare she gave him was enough to send a shiver down his spine, and he knew that she was going to make him suffer from this. But for now, she leaned up and kissed him passionately, pulling him down so as he hovered over her. He kissed down her neck as she kissed his shoulders, and she pulled his body down closer to hers.

“Please,” she whispered in his ear. “Please no more teasing... I need you.” 

He couldn’t deny her plea even if he tried, for he needed her as much as she needed him. He trailed his hands up her thighs, signaling her to spread her legs for him before he moved into position. Filled with both nerves and excitement of being at a new angle, he slowly pushed inside of her and groaned at the amazing feeling of being surrounded by her warmth.

When he was completely sheathed inside her, he let out a moan of relief, grateful to finally be with her again. He got on his hands and peered down at her, waiting for her to be ready as she panted heavily below him. After a few minutes, she thrusted her hips up to tell him she was ready before he began to slowly thrust into her. 

He had loved seeing her on top, being the confident woman that he loved. But being the one on top was strangely enticing, where he had an up close look at how he was affecting her. He was controlling the power and the speed, and there was something primally arousing to see those big beautiful eyes of hers peering up at him as she moaned and squirmed below him while he pleasured her. 

Her brow furrowed and leaned back agains the bed as he picked up the pace, her hands gripping his arms next to her as she tried to hold onto something. She looked down between them and raked her hands down his back, unfazed by the ridges as she tried to pull him towards her. 

“Please Daryl,” she cried as he thrusted faster, knowing exactly what she meant. He couldn’t tease her now, this was too good, too intimate of a time to be a tease to her.

He leaned down on his elbows and cupped her head with her hands, pulling his knees in before thrusting harder into her, burying his face into her neck as he struggled to hold on. She held onto his back as he gave her more and more pleasure, loving their union. 

“So close,” she moaned into his neck.

He leaned up just enough to stare daggers into her eyes, the intensity of his gaze taking her breath away. This wasn’t just a good fuck or a scratch to be itched for neither one of them. This was two people giving themselves to one another as they throw all their fears and insecurities out the window. 

And she could see through his eyes, just how he felt about her...

Her eyes filled with tears as he began to grunt with each thrust, signaling he was close. She wrapped her legs around his waist and used him to gain leverage and meet his thrusts. The new angle let him hit her sweet spot, and she became dizzy with pleasure as she felt her walls begin to contract around him. 

“I’m coming,” she whimpered before throwing her head back and holding on for dear life as her body shook with intensity. 

Tears ran down her cheeks as she squeezed him tightly again and again as he continued to thrust inside her, and her eyes rolled in the back of her head as she smiled with the amazing euphoria of her climax. 

“Oh fuck... oh... oh god,” he gasped as he felt himself tip over. 

He buried his face in her neck and pumped into her as fast as he could, making her yelp a few times through her lasting orgasm as he reached his. He held onto her as he growled and moaned through the delicious waves as he released himself inside her core with each thrust again and again. And as he felt the intensity of his orgasm ripple through him, his filter completely shut off...

“I love you,” he whispered in her ear as he thrusted his hips a few more times before stilling his body as he tried to catch his breath. 

If she had hit her peak any later, she would’ve assumed she imagined him saying that. But she didn’t, and he did. Now she can feel him recoil ever so slightly, realizing his possible ‘mistake’. He clung to her tightly, almost like he was afraid she’d move away, and he hid his face in her neck to try and enjoy this moment before whatever happened next. 

“Daryl,” she whispered, raking her hands through his hair. He shuttered at her touch but said nothing. “Daryl, it’s okay... I love you too.” 

It took him a few moments before moving off of her and facing her, relief and doubt mixed in his eyes. “Really?”

“Yes,” she said as a few lingering tears ran down her face. She grazed her fingers over his cheek. “I love you Daryl... so so much.”

He sighed in relief as he wiped the tears from her face, and if she noticed his lip quivering from him trying to contain his own emotions, she didn’t let on. He leaned his forehead against hers and wrapped his arms around her, trying to keep her as close to him as possible. 

“Love ya,” he whispered again, kissing her cheeks lightly over and over as he repeated the words a few more times, making sure she heard it and felt it. 

“I love you,” she said again before the pull of sleep began to drag her under. And the last thing she could remember was his light kisses across her face as he nuzzled his forehead against hers. 

[smoothjazs]

Intentional Friendships: Finding Mutual & Meaningful Ones.

Connection becomes our own responsibility. It is not dependent on the person but rather dependent on our own ability to first own ourselves in who we are. Second, to give someone permission to do the same.

So some of you are probably wondering why there’s been weeks in between the topics I have covered so far. I honestly believe that it’s important that we take our time to ponder on these topics because, maybe, the message will resonate to you a little more differently than the first time. Like I have mentioned before: Slow Growth is Good Growth. So I highly encourage you, if you haven’t done so yet, to set an intention and be open to what the Spirit reveals to you in between each episode and to trust the process. Activate what you’re learning as I am too.

Okay, so let’s talk about intentional friendships shall we?

To start I wanna say: Friendship has always felt a little hard for me. It’s the kind of love I’ve always wanted...more than I felt I had maybe. It’s been such a sensitive topic since my elementary school years. I’d have what I thought was a best friend only to be forgotten about when the rest of the girls were around or show up. And at a young age I ever felt liked enough or included.

It’s funny: nowadays it’s a different story altogether. When a friend actually invites me to something I literally go out of my way to thank them for inviting me and for including me and they always look at me funny and say, “well of course, Jaz...of course.” Lol! The thing is they really don’t know how much I longed for things and moments like that.

So after a rough go as a pre-teen I actually opted to go to a different school. And when that didn’t work my parents put me on Independent Studies/Home-school...and that was probably the best decision because High School gave me a glimpse into what friendships looked like and the kind of friendships I needed to look out for. And even then, I experienced drama, friends getting upset at things I might have said or done but not telling me until weeks or months later. Pretending that everything was fine but resenting me behind closed doors.

I might have had better friendships but were they healthy ones? Not always. Then I started getting more involved with Ministry life then the friendships I found there seemed to come without the drama: they felt more mature maybe because practically everyone was starting from scratch. Meaning many of us came together from different walks of life but we were still on the same journey of leaving the old self behind and be the kind of friend we wished to have in terms of Spirituality and Faith. But somewhere in between that spiritual journey or spiritual high while trying to navigate adulthood, finding that meaningful and mutual friendships got hard again.

Outside of ministry or a work environment: Where do we meet new friends as an adult, right? You have to be really intentional and discerning about it. Good friends don’t just land on  your lap, you have to seek them out. * I’ll be sharing some of these tips on this in a little bit*

But if you’re craving deeper friendships

First focus on being a better friend, yourself. The kind of friend that you want. Mirror what you want to feel. Do the deep inner work that’s necessary. Address your weakness head-on. There’s a saying, “you can’t expect others to love you if you don’t love yourself.”

What truly makes 2 people compatible as friends?

I want to explore this one a little bit and share a few different perspectives with you.

I don’t believe connectivity is about 2 people being the same. On the contrary, I believe it’s a result of 2 people simply allowing each other the full expression of themselves. Without judgement on the either part. So connection becomes our own responsibility. It is not dependent on the other person rather dependent on our own ability to first own ourselves in who we are. And second, to give someone else permission to do the same.

With all real things there is this level of vulnerability that’s required. Hopefully this gives you some help if you have been struggling to find a friend of similar interests, similar values, and similar personalities. A friend simply needs to have interest, to have value, and to have a personality that you are open and are willing to support them; different or similar.

So stop chasing sameness. Comfort-ability can live outside of it. If there is a common thread I think it’s just mutual respect. It’s being okay with saying, “Hey...it’s cool. She thinks differently than I do.” or “I love that she doesn’t do things my way.”

And I think that if we took this perspective and approached a friendship in this way, we’d be able to navigate them better when they inevitably change. Friendships change because we as people change. So, again, if we tie our love for that person to those things we’re really just setting ourselves up for a break-up later down the road.

Speaking of break-up’s: we don’t talk enough about heart-break that isn’t romantic. Friend break-up’s can often carry more shame, pain, whiplash, and loneliness than romantic break-ups, am I right? They can carry more emotional stress because the span of a friendship is often years or decades. But to share a perspective with you: break-ups can be a good thing. I’ve really come to learn that regardless of how healthy a friendship is, not all of them are meant to last forever.

This was really difficult for me to accept at first. Despite knowing that I wasn’t fulfilled by some of my friendships, I didn’t want to admit that because they were all that I had at some point in time. I had spent so much time finding them and healing from my childhood and adult experience with friendship. But letting some of them go is something that I’m embracing and I want to encourage you to do the same as well. Because friendships do in fact go stale.

Have you ever hear of that phrase, “people come into you life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”? I came across this quote recently and I really love the notion that everyone who enters your life has some kind of purpose. In a way it allows you to let go of some of the resentment you might have been holding towards someone from your past. So let’s break it down for a second...

Friends That Come Into Your Life For a Reason

tend to stay for a long or short period of time. Depending on what they have to teach us. So whether it’s something about ourselves, the world, or around us, our lives collide because we have something to learn from them and vise versa.

Friends That Come For a Season

is a chapter: high school, college, 20′s, motherhood. For me, I think of the places I’ve visited. Not all the characters in these chapters will reprise their roles in the next book. But some will.

Friends That Last a Lifetime

are the friends that, despite the challenges, we find each other getting through the other side of the chapter in every season we encounter.

And I think it’s important to recognize which friends fall into which category because it then allows us to show up accordingly and in the right way in those friendships. There’s bound to be some friends of yours who will just linger in the background. You could also call these friendships ambivalent friendships: the one where one’s name pops up on your phone or in a conversation and you’re reluctant to respond or talk about. Maybe you see these friends out of convenience or a people-pleasing tendency that you have. Regardless, these are the friendships that drain you and prevent you from going deep with the friends who matter most. The ones who have proven their lifetime quality.

When we de-clutter we also have to allow ourselves time to mourn the loss. Because despite new friends on the horizon, the loss of old ones is hard to find peace with. But we must find comfort and realize that in one season they existed in your life.

So on to the good stuff...

i really want to dig into how to find Mutual & Meaningful Friendships. Those deep friendships that fuel your soul, your cup, no matter the length of time they are in your life. I’m not a surface level type of person. I want to know what lights you up, I want to understand what makes you YOU.

What I started doing was:

1. Make a list of 6 women I would prioritize for 6 months. They are included on my to-do list. As in every week, I will make notes to text them, call them, to make plans, etc. If you want to do the same: identify the qualities you value most in friendships. Make sure that the women you choose are representative to those qualities/character. Because what you focus on will grow.

2. After 3 months, I’ll reflect on those friendships. I will see which ones have grown in depth. At some point, you will come to realize who will play a vital role in your life long-term or a season. This time, I will be able to loosen my grip with ease knowing that they simply aren’t lifetime friends or I’ve just caught them at the wrong season.

3. While prioritizing on these friendships, I will also be working on myself. Meaning, I will try to be the kind of friend I want. A level of care and attention must be shown mutually. I will be focusing on what I am giving more than what I am getting. So pick on the qualities people love and see you. Look for ways to elevate them and refine them. It’s never something to check off but rather it’s something to continually improve on about yourself.

4. Make space for these friendships in my life. Listen, if you are praying for more present and deep friendships, you must be ready and willing to make space for them in your schedule and in your life. Make space to support the person in tough and triumphant times in their life, invest in their healing, give them space to work on their vision and their goals. Pause to check in with them or ask how you can best support them in that season and celebrate their progress. Make space to hang out in person, even.

The point? Make space. But you must also choose to go deeper, not wider, and take a “less is more” perspective or an intentional approach in fostering meaningful friendships.

Remember: Friendships will end and flow. People are constantly walking in and out of our lives. But, I hope that today’s conversation will help you filter out the false friendships and foster deeper connections with the ones in your life that matter most. I would love to hear your thoughts, advice, your tips on intentional friendship. Let me know if you’re going to give the 6 friends/6 month approach a try. And if you do, I encourage you to share this episode with that group of 6 so that the intention is mutual.

Peace, love, and blessings

Jaz!

[krosejoy]

Open Up Your Heart

They make it sound so easy, as if it’s something that just about any living creature can do. After years of trial and error, I’m here to tell you it’s not quite that easy. Far too much time has been spent with failed expectations and let downs, and I’ve learned not to expect much. My standards have been set so low that I can hardly believe that I’m where I am now. Here. Today. In the present.

And I guess that’s the most important part. Being present, in the here and now. Mindfulness---is that what they call it? Perhaps, yes. This past year has been filled with trial and error, highs and lows, positives and negatives. I’ve questioned my own sanity, to the point I almost checked myself into a psychiatric facility. Even now, I’m contemplating even posting this onto my page in fear of what people will think. As an aspiring professional, I’m fearful that this entry will haunt me in the near future. Anyways, so it goes. 

That’s been a life mantra as of late, “so it goes”, in ode to the infamous Kurt Vonnegut. In my eyes, the term itself means something along the lines of “oh well, life goes on.” And I think that’s fitting. It’s fitting in terms of where I’ve found myself throughout the past year. In situations I never thought I’d be in. Losing the person I thought I’d be spending the rest of my life with. Seven years of effort, and I will never consider it wasted because that would be an insult to both myself and the other individual involved. That’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever overcome. My heart aches for him almost constantly, and if you are stumbling upon this, I am sorry. For not allowing myself to continue to work through our trial and error. However, one person can only endure so much pain and disappointment. And I, too, am guilty of causing you such pain. I am not the victim. Neither of us are. Yet I hope we have both learned that we cannot treat other people the way we had treated each other throughout the duration of our relationship. You were my heart, my world, and my other half. And for that I am sorry that things had not worked out differently. 

When I got the call from the NYPD, I convinced myself that it was all a joke. I thought to myself, “Okay, who is fucking with me now?”. I never thought you’d find yourself in a situation where you would have been left in fucking New York if I hadn’t figured out how to wire money to a homeless person, and to you, right before my mid-semester final presentation I had that day. How selfish, I thought. But also, how selfless of me. To make it my responsibility. 

I thought things were okay. I thought we were fine, you were texting me as if I was going to see you later and we were going to cuddle up on the couch just as we always did. Maybe make some dinner, cookies, etc. Not get a phone call that you were bleeding profusely and left to almost die in the streets. No phone, no money, no friends around. How do you find yourself in that situation? How do you get there without thinking of the consequences? Miles and miles away from home. And not have a second thought about what the people who cared about you would think. I’ll never forget how you made me feel that day, and the day after. When I should have been studying and reviewing for my college presentation. And still, I felt guilty. As if I had done you wrong. As if I hadn’t done enough for you, and it was my fault that you went off a did something like you had. How fucked up could I be to even think that? I didn’t see it then, yet I see it now. How blind I was to think that every action you did was somehow a result of something I had done wrong, or wasn’t doing right.

That’s not right.

You don’t do that to someone.

Especially someone who has gone above and beyond for you, and has enabled you throughout the years with your vices and addictive personality. Which, I too fell victim to my own addictive personality when I was with you. You made me someone I didn’t want to become. And then we tried to fix things, to mull them over as if nothing had happened. Pretend everything was alright and we could go back to the way things were. But I couldn’t forget. I tried. And you kept saying how much you wished things could be as they were, when we were younger. That was before the lies, the deceit and all of the pain that we both went through. You craved the past, with no sight of the future. Refusing to accept the individual that I had become. To say you never loved me would be a lie--that would just be downright silly. I know you loved me, and I know you loved my flaws and all, and you wanted to make things work. But why did you stop trying? Why did I stop trying? 

When I got out of my year of rehab, you took me to house parties riddled with drugs and booze. We stayed out all night. We lied to our parents. 

I risked my life by your side. 

I am at fault, this is not all you. I am responsible for my own actions, yet you knew my tendencies and where I came from. And to disrespect my sobriety in such a manner is something I will never, ever, forgive you for. And for that I’m sorry. 

We spent years reminiscing and searching for the high we once had, and for some reason it never truly came back. I began to build my walls and become guarded, and I went off searching for that feeling yet again, with someone else. Yet I never found it, and nothing ever felt quite like home, such as when I was with you. You were home, and with you I felt like nothing else mattered. Yet I strayed, and I tried to justify my actions by placing blame on you, saying you weren't giving me what I wanted. I would never do that. What made me do that? Who had I become?

For years this continued, the back and forth. And when things were good, they were damn good. I won’t lie, you were my best friend and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you with all of my heart, with every aspect of my being. I love you today, and I loved you then. And that’s why it hurts so much when people act like you never existed in my life. When they ask me about you, and I let them know we aren’t together, they don’t say anything further. It’s as if you’re a ghost who’s just dissipated into thin air. I spend so many nights trying to look for what you’ve been up to, where you’ve been. And when I can’t figure it out, I reminisce and mourn over the loss of you. That’s probably the saddest thing about losing you. 

But life goes on. And I have to remind myself of that every day. 

Sure, I could lie in bed all day and think of everything I did wrong, and everything you did wrong to me. I could think about how I threw away a $90,000 college experience and living with my father in FL, just because I was afraid that you would lose your head after your father passed away. I came home to be with you, because you were all I cared about. And for years, I put you first before I put myself. I could sit and wallow in this depression that wants to consume me on a daily basis. But still, I force myself to get out of bed in the morning. And continue onward. To live and prosper, and create my life that I had been putting off for so long. Nights spent wondering and worrying about you. Never, will I ever worry about someone else’s well-being before I think of myself. And I’m sorry it took our demise for me to realize that. I’m sorry you got caught up in me changing and realizing what I needed to do to become the person I wanted to be. I’m sorry you had to see that, and I wish I hadn’t involved you in it. I think it hurt more that we got back together, to try and make things work. And maybe the only reason I can now is because we don’t see each other on a daily basis at work, and I think that’s mostly a denial aspect of  all of this. A denial that I still have feelings for you, and that I still love you. Because I always will, and you and I both know that. I’m sorry we were not better for each other. I’m sorry we couldn’t find the right words to say or things to do to fix our relationship and our friendship. It hurts. It still fucking hurts so bad. And I’m sorry. 

For the first time in my life, I feel as though my life is in my own control. It’s not easy, and it hasn’t been, and I have to remind myself that everything’s going to be alright more times than not. The panic attacks haven’t stopped, and I’m sure they won't any time soon. They had to get worse before they got better. And I think they got worse when I realized that you are no longer a part of my life. It took me about an entire month to accept that. But I’m learning. And I’m learning how to live again. And love. And that’s not easy. But I’m lucky to have the family and friends around me that do. And I’m grateful. And I miss you, every day I miss you. Which is unfortunate at best, but I must move forth and continue on this path I have paved for myself. Remember that I love you, and please do not take our relationship and it’s shortcomings into future relationships that you will have. That is not fair, to yourself or to anyone else. For now, goodbye. 

[according-to-my-rules]

Late night confessions

 I don’t know why but people seem to be more bolder late at night. For some, its usually induced by alcohol. For others, like myself.. I don’t know. I think its just the idea of being up, vulnerable and lonely that drives me to be way more honest about my feelings at night than any other time.

 Do you ever have feelings that you just can’t seem to get rid of? Like, something ended so badly and you’re desperately trying to find ways to relive it, just for the sake of trying to redo something over again in the hopes you’ll be more successful in attaining your goals next time around. I have. Ever since I landed back in the states there are so many things that I have been forced to come to terms with. And, to be honest, a lot of those things make me uncomfortable. I like comfort. The familiar. I want to be surrounded by things that make me feel safe, loved and secure. Coming back here made me feel like all those things I craved were somehow going to be jeopardized in some way,

 Maybe what I am experiencing is akin to some weird, third-culture-kid existential  crisis that arises only due to being repatriated home but a lot of the feelings of feeling lost and displaced are real. It’s been two whole years and although I have made some major strides in terms of my educational goals such as pursing my degree and making some pretty cool friends along the way this last year...I still feel an emptiness within.

 I am angry. I am sad. I am upset that my life never once went the way I planned. But that’s life, isn’t it? Things rarely ever go as planned. I mean, looking back on it now I feel pretty stupid thinking that my entire life was pinned to this one place, this one hope, this one guy. It’s crazy! There’s a part of me that’s always going to be in love with Qatar. It had given men so many wonderful memories, memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 I feel this deep sense of despair because i had to leave a place I once considered home. I had to say good bye to my close friends whom I still feel are a part of my family. I had to leave the one person I loved more than anything in the world behind and realize that he’ll be just fine without me. There were so many things left unanswered and unfinished. I miss it all.  I tried so hard to fit in but no matter what I did I was never successful. Then there are rare moments when I am so hateful towards that place, even though I love it.

 I think its a pivotal part of the ‘moving on’ process. You’ll go through moments when you’re so tired, sad and feel alienated from the rest of the world. Then there are other moments where you feel fine. It really just depends on the circumstances and environment you decide to put yourself in a majority of the time.

 There are mornings I wake up and I realize that I am not in Doha anymore. When that feeling of nostalgia hits...it hits so fucking hard. Its those types of mornings that I can’t stand. Those moments I try so distract myself with any and everything that comes my way. I didn’t just depart from a foreign country.... I left a place I called home for nearly half of my life. I can’t come to terms with that fact. That the place I once loved more than myself...everything I hoped and dreamed of it...its gone. A part of me died and I cannot resuscitated it back to life. That is probably one of the most painful things I have come to terms with: my old life is gone.

 My best friends, whom I love with my entire heart and soul, they’re gone. I mean, obviously physical distance doesn’t mean anything so long as you guys keep that connection going. But that’s just the thing. Everyone is leaving that place and moving to other parts of the world which is to be expected of expats. We eventually return to our countries of origin when the metaphorical party is over. I miss the familiar haunts of umm saieed ( the name of a prominent desert area over there). I miss star gazing on sand dunes and waking up to a beautiful sunrise. I miss my family-friends. I even miss the old Ihim. Sadly, all those things have undergone extensive changes over these last couple of years (except my friends). The man I was dying to get hitched to when I was 16 years old....he’s not the same anymore. I found out the hard way that sometimes we shouldn’t go back and look for answers that are irrelevant.

 Since it’s late at night and my emotional inhibitions are practically non-existent at this point ... why not rant some more?

 The whole issue with my neighbor is so touchy. There are days when I miss him and other days where I still hate him. I hated the way things ended with us. I wanted to go out knowing that regardless of what transpired between the the two of us, we’d still be able to maintain a sort of friendship. But that didn’t happen. It’s not really ideal to try and be friends with people you once loved. Mainly because it never works out. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted it to be him.

 I felt like I invested 90% of my life into him, that if I gave up... I would have wasted my life and got nothing in return. I was hoping that one day he would eventually marry me but that never happened. He couldn’t marry me because in his culture it was frowned upon to marry an outsider or ‘foreigner’. He mentioned a couple of times before but he always gave me the idea that he wasn’t like that. That he would have defied his customs and traditions and find a way to marry... especially for love. I mean, he said he loved me. But...in the end.. I guess it wasn’t enough. I waited nearly 10 years for this guy to get his shit together and man up. Either fess up and speak his feelings or walk away like a gentleman. He refused to go with any of the options...

 When I did get back in touch with him after all these years... it was difficult. I had to come to terms with all my feelings... it was really hard or me to admit to myself that the man I was once madly in love with...was gone. He just didn’t exist anymore. Yet here I am...still with these feelings...this longing to hold him in my arms and never let him go. But I could clearly see he was not the same person anymore. He had changed for the worse...and nothing I nor anyone else did would change that. Essentially I am in love with someone that died a long time ago...and I haven’t been able to let my heart and soul properly mourn for him.

 I feel angry that I let someone have that much power to destroy me and waste precious years of my life. I want to go back in time and redo that whole situation over. I want my life back... I want those years wasted on that asshole back. And the sad thing is... he never lost an ounce of sleep. He was never remorseful or sorry for what he did to me. He once professed that he loved me...but really his actions say otherwise. I should have walked away...I should have known better. But I didn’t...and it cost me dearly.

[twohopefulhearts-blog1]

2016 (1/18/17)

Here’s our story so far…

About a year and a half ago Chad and I had our first real “baby” conversation...Are we ready? How many should we have? When would be the “perfect” timing? Over 3 years of marriage had molded us, strengthened our friendship and faith and we felt it soon would be the “right” time. In mid-January  2016 we had our first positive pregnancy test. I was excited to share with Chad so I wrapped up the test in tissues (cliché I know) put it in a little gift bag with a “What to expect when your wife is expanding” book and gave it to him that night. It was a moment that I had thought a lot about and wanted it to be memorable. We spent the next days reveling in our new-found joy and excitement, thinking about how the next 9 months would go and dreaming about who this child would become. We told a few close people mostly because we couldn’t contain our excitement but tried to keep it quiet otherwise. I went in for blood testing to confirm the pregnancy and all appeared normal. We set up our first ultrasound, appointments and bought books on nutrition during pregnancy and what to expect. Everything seemed to be going as planned.

 Eight days after that positive pregnancy test, I began cramping and bleeding. It was a weekend so I frantically searched online for any sign that this could be normal or something benign, but quickly found bad news (I have strong feelings against Dr. Google, but quickly fell into that trap in that moment). I called the nurse line at my doctor’s office and they said it likely was a miscarriage but recommended I go to the ER to make sure. At the ER they tested my urine and blood HCG levels, confirming that I was losing the pregnancy. An ultrasound was done as well with nothing surprising found. The news hit us hard…we hadn’t seen this coming (as most don’t). It felt as though all the dreams we had thought up over the past few days were literally being stripped away. I realized in a new way just how fragile life is. 

 Almost immediately as we began to tell those closest to us and they showered us with prayers. I count it a huge blessing that some of the women that I had grown close to had openly shared their stories of infertility, miscarriages or inability to have children long before Chad and I experienced our loss. Their openness was vital in helping us feel that we were not alone in this pain. I could have spent the following days and weeks in isolation but thankfully our friends reached out their love and support in many ways with letters, gifts and just simply letting us know they were praying for us or that we could call anytime to talk.

A year later and I sometimes think back to this first pregnancy and how even though it was such an early loss it was just as painful as the following losses. This was our first attempt at being parents, conception had happened so “easily”, we had created a life and lost it so easily as well.  Chad was amazing through this, he mourned with me but continually let me know he was there for whatever I needed. I prayed through the pain most days even though we couldn’t understand why this happened. I have dealt with anxiety on and off throughout my life and unfortunately the aftermath of this miscarriage left me with what sometimes felt like overwhelming anxiety.  It’s an odd thing how losing this kind of “control” and realizing that I had no control over something as precious as building a baby left me in a state of panic. I researched miscarriages looking for signs to say that this is “normal”, that it won’t happen again. I found that miscarriages are extremely common and that I wasn’t alone which helped.

I found myself repeating the famous verses in Jeremiah 29- For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” 

This verse does not mean there won’t be hard days,  in fact we are guaranteed some very rough days and periods in our life. But what this verse does tell me is that I can find hope in what God has ahead for us, that even the struggles ahead have a purpose and as long as I continually seek him this peace will guide me.

We had been planning to move and over the next six months, we took time to get settled into a new city, new jobs and new schedule. By June we were met with the second positive pregnancy test. We were elated again, timid his time, but still hopeful. I had more symptoms with this pregnancy- fatigue, even a few days of morning sickness and minor cravings which helped give me confidence that things were going well. We prayed every day for this child, praying that we would get to meet him or her in a few months, that God would prepare us for what was ahead. This time around I did not have any early blood work done to see how the pregnancy was progressing since I hadn’t yet found an OB in the area. We didn’t “dream” as much with this pregnancy. We honestly didn’t talk that much about it either. I think deep down we both knew that we had to see tangible signs of encouragement before we gave in to the excitement. 

Our first ultrasound appointment was in July and although we could see the embryonic sac and embryo, he/she was measuring significantly smaller than they should have been based on the dates (I was about 8 weeks from my last period, but baby was measuring at only 6 weeks) and no heartbeat could be found. Our doctor was cautiously optimistic but said we did need to come back in 1-2 weeks to repeat the ultrasound. I was nervous and had a bad feeling, but tried to stay calm until our next appointment. The follow-up ultrasound confirmed what I had feared, the embryo had grown a bit, but there was no heartbeat. We were crushed, again. I cried in the exam room with Chad holding me. This time we had seen the embryo, we had ultrasound pictures and we had had such hope that the first was just a fluke and that this time would be different, but we had been wrong. 

We were given three options. 1.) Allow natural miscarriage which could take days or weeks and would likely involve a lot of bleeding - at this point I was about “10 weeks” with growth stopping at about 6 weeks and no natural miscarriage yet  2.) Take Cytotec which would cause me to miscarry over a day to a few days or 3.) Have a surgical D&C, a scheduled time to miscarry. Chad and I talked over the next day about which option to pursue. I was initially a bit conflicted about the D&C or Cytotec because I felt as though we were forcing the process, something that should happen naturally. At the same time, there was no way of telling if it would be days or weeks for me to miscarry naturally, for my body to recognize that this pregnancy was non-viable and no way of knowing if it would begin in the middle of a work day. I had already begun mourning and I felt that prolonging the process would be harmful for us both. The cytotec seemed even less desirable since I felt like taking a pill to abort our child (even a non-viable embryo) would be even tougher emotionally, and could take days. And even still, it may not work completely and I could have had to repeat the process or maybe even have a surgical D&C afterwards. Chad and I both decided we were most comfortable with the surgical D&C.

One week later (early August) we went to the hospital and all I can say is that God met me at the hospital that morning, I am typically a nervous wreck anytime I have to be put under anesthesia, but this time was very different. Pre-op was calm and quiet, we repeated the ultrasound just to be sure and by this point there was only a small amount of embryonic tissue present in the sac. I had a great anesthetist who talked with us before and and did a thorough physical. The procedure went as expected with no complications. As I woke up from anesthesia I began to tear up. The nurse holding my hand calmly reminded me that I was in God’s perfect will. As tough as this is, I do believe this. I believe that our suffering through this is for a purpose, if nothing other than to help one person, to relate to one person better in the future. I cannot rationalize all of the pain and suffering that happens in this world (some of it seems so inconceivable and surreal) but I do believe that God is good and just and that we aren’t necessarily meant to understand all of the suffering here. 

The mourning of our second loss was a little longer, filled with more uncertainty about future pregnancies but with time we had healed to a point when we thought we could handle trying again. We found our third positive pregnancy test in October. I had some early blood testing done and my progesterone was found to be low, so I began supplemental progesterone around 6 weeks. A few close friends gathered and prayed over Chad, me and this baby. I was overwhelmingly grateful to have these people in my life and felt such support. Within a few days I miscarried again. I was bitter this time. The hope that had come so easily before left me. I just didn’t understand and I felt done with this repeated pain. Chad was in a similar place and went into a dark place. We found it harder to support each other through this time as we sat in our own despair. 

Over the next few weeks we began to come out of the “fog” of depression. By this time, we were determined to figure out if there was an underlying cause, something to say that this was going to continue happening.  So, last month I went through some fertility testing. I had a saline infusion ultrasound, hysterosalpinogram (HSG), hormone testing- thyroid, prolactin and progesterone along with chromosomal tests. Chad also had chromosomal testing and full genetic  testing (we chose to only screen him as we were specifically worried about him being a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis - he has a family member with this disease). Everything came back very normal. Good to know, but also leaving us in a state of confusion about how the other three happened so consecutively. The recurrent theme from our doctors has been that most likely all three were chromosomal abnormalities. That being said, we did not have testing done on any of the embryos so we cannot be sure.

So…that is where we are at right now. It has been a year since our very first pregnancy and we could not have predicted the struggle we’d face in trying to add to our family. At the same time, I wouldn’t trade it. I am thankful for the ability to conceive, I’m thankful for the three little lives that were growing inside of me even if only for a short time and I’m thankful for the growth that has happened in both of us. We still have great things to look forward to. And I believe we have great Hope ahead. 

I’ll try to share more as things come up. We are still trying to grow our family and for the time being we are content trying again. We are also open to the possibility of adoption down the road. We try to be open to whatever the will of God is in this journey.

Philippians 4:6-76 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.