#idk I just hate myself for my uselessness in school but it never seems to sufficiently motivate me

[idkhowtopickausername]

I think it’s true that educational institutions are not set up to support people with ADHD and other forms of disabilities and I would never judge someone else for failing out of college but it’s still hard for me to apply that to myself when I feel like it’s still true that I could be trying harder and if I were a better person I would just force myself to focus, and I don’t feel like I have no control over it because sometimes I have been able to do that. And even with extensions I don’t turn things in on time these days, I feel like I need time pressure to have any hope of getting things done so I don’t know what kind of accommodation would even help at this point

[no-where-new-hero]

This weekend I finally will sit myself down and play catchup on the EONMBC, but since I'm currently battling with the opening chapters of the WIP-that-hates-me, I'm realizing how good Maud was in the beginning of EONM for scaling the amount of detail of Emily's life we're allowed to see.

Like, Maywood and the "Maywood people" are purposefully vague. I remember someone said something like "who did Emily choose as her pallbearers (during her eavesdropping-on-the-Murrays scene) she doesn't know anybody." And to our eyes, this seems to be the case. Emily is certainly not close to anyone. But there are still butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers that Douglas likely bought from. He made enough of an impression on them to be disliked. They presumably went to church and socialized there (she writes sadly in her account book about her sunday school teacher moving away). I'm sure Ellen Greene would have chattered about the locals. Would one or two local ladies have flirted with the apparently beautiful Douglas?

But it's not important to us to know about them, so they fade into the background. Emily's integration (or lack thereof) into Maywood has no impact on the story--in fact, it works better that she seems to exist in her Edenic glass bubble, so that when she goes to Blair Water and New Moon, it gets written onto her as if onto a clean slate. Part of this is that she comes of age there, but it also works so well narratively because then we aren't bogged down by comparisons and other old baggage. It can all be new and wondrous and also suddenly very social. Hard as it is to believe, it seems like Emily never tried to make any friends at all with Maywood kids, even if she didn't go to school. Her account book is all just descriptions of sunsets and cat conversations, never people (we hear her biting tone in accessing people in the letters to her father, yet these also feel like a product of her fall lol).

This is all a lot of useless analysis, but I guess my point is that Emily clearly had a life in Maywood that LMM simply didn't find it worthwhile to focus on or describe because its only use would have been for nostalgia and that's not the story she's telling. And IDK I just think it's incredibly subtle in how she knows what she wants us to know and doesn't have to painstakingly "world-build" if it's not going to effect the plot. And her very vagueness contributes to her theme.

[nian-7]

Hii!

So I'm super new to all of this I have no clue how this works but I've read your match-ups and they are the absolute cutest things ever!!!

So I wanted to ask if I can just request one here...? Idk what to do TvT if yes you can read the thing I've written else please help-

-So looking for a partner, noone under 20y/o, everything above 20 is fine for me!! Oh and for pronouns pls use they/them for me!!! MBTI is ExFJ/ExFP (? Idk smth along that) 2w3 if u need that!! U dont have to put that into consideration tho

-So I'm very extroverted, have confidence in myself and generally pretty energetic and very good in social settings/entertaining - still I give off comfort-energy and I'm not a fan of chaos, I love it when things are planned out (I'm really bad at planning tho sadly---)! I also love helping others and will go out of my way to do anything for them!

-I also work really really hard for my dreams and will never stop even if the whole world doesn't believe in me!! (*σ>∀<)σ

-I just have a flame that never seems to burn out - but because I always give 110% I often overwork myself (I was in the hospital once because of that but that's another story ;-;)

-I've been described as the therapist friend pretty often and a sunshine that brightens others days (I don't want to sound arrogant!!) + I'm 0% judgemental torwards anyone and always believe in the good in people! There is beauty in everything after all (o≧▽゜)o

-Oh and sadly I'm sickly :(( I'm sick very often!! And airheaded and have problems in school/uni but hey at least I never give up TvT

-Well now after all - there is another side to me that is contrary to what you read before: As soon as something I wanted to accomplish fails I'm very frustrated. I put in everything I have and if it doesn't work I feel like an utter failure - I fall into a spiral of hating myself and I often feel like a burden to others because if I give everything I got and then FAIL I'm like damn I'm pretty bad/dumb/useless u know what I mean?

-I never show those bad feelings to anyone or talk about them cause I have trust issues from gettin bullied (for my emotional responses and colorful and cute style from my former "friend" group) for a longer time, I only talk about it when I'm 100% sure that person wont turn on me (there are 2 people in my live rn that I trust with that stuff)

-I'm also easy to tease or prank cause I'm naiive

(I hope this isn't getting too long or sad djtsutdzfdz)

-As a partner I like them calmer than me (doesn't have to be icy-cold, could be a calm sunshine too idc!) and not as energetic as me because I need somewhere I can come home to and chill down, someone who could help me a bit with planning and would encourage me to take breaks from time to time! I also seem to attract people who need help themselves for example anxious people or people with trust issues. I also don't panic easily and love encouraging others to be theirselves or to get more confident in general or listen to their sad stories and be there for them to comfort them (I'm good at that I have 3 little siblings and 4 little cousins o(^o^)o)

Thank you for reading that!! It's so much but I hope it could maybe help you :>

And thank you for doing things like matchups and requests I love reading those!! And DON'T stress yourself <3

You are a great person never forget that o(>∀<*)o

thank you, anon!! you sound very fun to be around! hope you enjoy your matchup!!

I match you with...

Yohei Kanbayashi!

-The biggest thing that made me pick Yohei was the way you described an ideal partner. He is a bit on the colder side but he is a more calm person than you! But just because he can be a little cold doesn't mean he has a big soft spot for you.

-Although he's not someone who needs comfort often or a lot of encouragement, he'll be very helpful to you. Helping with plans and making you take breaks are the big factors that made me pick him.

-He's someone who's fiercely loyal to you and will always be there for you no matter what. No matter if you're sickly, airheaded, or not ready to open up, he'll wait as long as you need. TLDR: he's always going to be there for you no matter what happens and his soft spot is very obvious to people like Saimon...

-Even as an introvert at heart, he doesn't mind your extrovertedness. He'll be there as your chill pill at the end of the day when you're tired and likes your sunshine-y demeanor.

-Failure is a part of life and he'll be there to catch you when you spiral from it. He seems to know the right words to say to you when you get upset and won't stop until you understand even when it comes off a bit aggressively if you don't listen.

[itsgirlcraft]

Vent

TW body horror vent art (dismemberment, blood, twisted limbs), swearing, lots of caps

Tl;dr: online college reading makes my back ache and my anxiety is off the charts. I keep hyperfixating and tensing my body too much when not doing school, so I'm wasting my energy and getting bad sleep. I want to quit psychology but I fear that's the cowards way out. I'm running out of meds so I only have today and Saturday to get ~5 hrs of reading done.

I'm so fucking tired and half of its my fucking fault. This whole godamn week, actually since I started college, I've had shit ass sleep and no rest and I fucking HATE IT but I KEEP DOING IT AND

FUCK!!!

I'm sorry I know that like all of you mutuals have it hard too I don't wanna put my stupid self-sabotaging bullshit on your shoulders but hhhhhhhh. I'm seething and I can't fucking get any of this BS done and AAA I just want to REST but NOOO, I have to go play minecraft for 5 fucking hours and draw stupid shit for 3 hours and fucking waste my existence away! I haven't gotten a fucking shower in a godamn WEEK! But noooo, I can't just GET UP and do that! I have to fuck around doing bullshit that just hurts my fucking body because of my stupid negative urgency ass!!

((I react really stupidly impulsive to stress and do shit I shouldn't)) it's not even like I'm hurting myself on purpose, I'm just such a bitch I keep the cycle going and going and going and FUCK!! I swear I'm fucking trying I swear to god I hate this too but it NEVER FUCKUNG WORKS I just go a tiny bit feeling okay and them BAM the moment I am stressed or worried I go fuck off to neverland and horrifically fuck myself over!!!

((I've been hyperfixating in a...really bad way lately, more than usual. I'm not talking abt the quirky or cool shit, I'm talking my muscles tense up so bad they hurt and my wrists go numb and my fucking legs twist round each other so bad that I can barely fucking walk.)) Hhhhhhh. It's like cutting off my other leg after college has already broken the other one.

College has completely fucked me over and sent me on a stupid spiral for the millionth time but this time idk if I'll even get out of this in one piece bc this stupid hyperfixating has drained energy that isn't even THERE. I fucking spent just under 2 hours fuckibg reading 16,232 WORDS for psychology on Monday and my fucking shoulders BURNED from sitting tense at my computer and AAAA. Then I spiraled MORE Tuesday bc I didn't wanna do that AGAIN. Bc my stupid ass psych textbook is online only, and DOESNT HAVE A PAGE COUNT OR WORD COUNT! So Monday I didn't even KNOW what I was getting myself into and fucked up!! And then Tuesday I got a word counter that worked for the site and was able to FINALLY finish chapter 1 for psych only to spiral AGAIN! Because THEN I realized it'd take around 3 hours for each chapter and I have to read chapter 2 TOO for this week!

But I thought I had to do it ALL YESTERDAH bc the godamn discussion board bullshit is supposedly due on Thursdays! ((The syllabus is inaccurate, and I only got that Thursday bit from a different document. It's unclear if part 1 is on Thurs or not. The first half is making a FUCKING ESSAY with 3 paragraphs, thesis, citation, etc. And part 2 is responding to 2 people with 8 sentences and a citation but GUESS WHAT! Each response is 1 point! And the main essay/post is 8 points! Combined they're just TEN DAMN POINTS! THERES ONLY 8 WHY DO I NEED TO DO A FUCJING ESSAY?!???!))

I DID manage to do the stupid discussion on Thurs, bc I said fuck it and didn't read ch 2. But NOW I have 3 hrs of reading to do STILL. PLUS I seem to have THE SAME FUCKING AMIUNT FOR ENGKISH!!! I thought English was chill but NOOOO, it has these stupid pdf photocopies of a book and I have to take screenshots to annotate bc otherwise it's just a useless text that I can't do anything with! And it'll probably take like 2 hours to read JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER! THERES THREEE FUCKUNG CHSPTERS LIKE THIS! WHYY!! And I thought reading was GOOD AND EASY BUT NO! My fucking body is so squishy and fragile that it breaks instantly and I can't fucking read for more than an hour and FUCKKK I WISH I HAD A PAPER COPY OF THIS SHIT! BUT ITD COST MOREEEE!!

It's not even like this shits HARD TO UNDERSTAND. I KNOW THIS! LITERALKY I fucking recognize EVERYTHUNG in psych so far like is this NECESSARY?? I KNOW that reading is IMPORTANT and I should do it but FUCK!! IS IT WORTH DESTROYING MYSELF?????

And I wanna quit psych but that feels like the cowards way out bc I KNEW there'd be lots of work. I fucking knew what would come about but here I am!! In the fuckibg spiral! And I haven't said any of this to my mom bc she's tired enough and I just want to get this shit done. I feel like I'm eating my own body and health, sacrificing it, to try to do this shit that I know I probably need to give up on. But I don't wanna just STOP, I DO like psych and I wanna learn!! I WANT to be here!! But I can't fucking get this bullshit reading done and it's driving me insane!!!

AND!!! AND NOT TO MENTION MY FUCKIN MEDS!! My adhd meds are regulated heavily so I only get a month's worth but my pharmacy/doc are so unreliable when filling it that I have to assume I may not have any for a few fucking days. AND THATS A DEATH WISH IN COLLEGE!! One fuckjng day missed is MASSIVE. Even tho I'm all online and shit I CANT RISK IT, but I only have ONE!! ONE! And it's already fuckjnv 4 pm rn and I've still got 10 page for English ch 1 and then the 3 hrs psych reading and the idk 2 hrs English ch 2 reading and FUCK HOW DO I DO THIS??? And I really wanna have a chill time on Halloween so I wanna get next week done ASAP but this week's a bitch in itself and AAAAAAA!!

[reblog-landfill]

Ah man. I'm not sure if what you're describing is exactly social anxiety or something coupled with that or another thing that really sounds like it. But I really wanna say that things can get better.

I was never diagnosed so I can't say what my experience entailed for certain... it very well could be a symptom of another condition but idk. I remember being just like what you are describing when I was younger: a ball of anxiety and I absolutely hated myself everyday. I recognize now that there were many stress-factors that contributed to that from my envionment like the religion I grew up with, being overly sheltered, low-self esteem and being a people-pleaser, stress and preassures of being in the school-system, and losing sleep and being shut in all the time.

I still get anxious sometimes but nowhere near what I used to. I was very fortunate to find work in a supportive envionment that over the years helped me build up my confidence. Listening to new perspectives & being pushed to socialize is what helped me most I think. This actually came from my time with working in special needs. You see a truly vulnerable, imperfect, sometimes heartbreaking but also warm and giving side of humanity when working with these students and with people who are parents with special needs kids of their own. Changed my worldview a great deal.

What I'm trying to get at is that self-improvement is for everyone. Everyone has the potential to face their inner demons and grow is how I like to see it. But the envionment and people we have around us has a humongous impact on that too when we feel truly crippled. The internet is always gonna be this ultra-strange portal of extremes that is almost always just surface-level. People are always gonna seem more perfect then they are, or drop in IQ for useless internet arguments, or find pointless targets to throw their bitterness towards. I'd just ignore it all and find spaces that are actually comforting for you, find the positivity and meaningful experiences among the muck or even take a break from the internet (I think EVERYONE would benefit a great deal from this one quite honestly). I guess it also helps that as I get older my "don't-give-2-fucks" mentality continues to develope and save me lmao. There's only so many minuets in my life-time and I'm not about to keep handing them over to people who don't deserve or care for my time.

being the kind of anxious person tumblr users like to make fun of (can't go places alone, can't make phone calls, can't order at restaurants, trouble w setting boundaries/conflict avoidance etc) is really awesome and cool because it's genuinely disabling And you also have to deal with 24 year olds on the internet acting like you're an inherently annoying and cringe person. due to ur disabling condition

[himalayaan-flowers]

i wasted money today on “past life readings”. i know it’s all made up and i feel so stupid. 😞

i just wanted to know if i’d done something bad and that’s why I’ve suffered in this life. i know there’s probably no reason for it. i just have bad genes.

i’m thinking of getting a dna test. apparently you can find out about your tendency towards poor mental health and personality characteristics

maybe if it gives me a decent score on “agreeableness” i won’t feel quite so horrible a person? idk. i v much doubt there’s much truth to it

i thought maybe i’d feel less guilty for my mental health problems if i can see it’s in my genes and i was just destined to be that way but people would probably still say it’s my fault for not “playing my hand” well and not making better choices with the genes i was given

i’m just so tired of waking up every morning and being me. i love my family and cat. i wish i could’ve been born into my family but as someone else. someone pretty. so i wouldn’t have to hate how i look. i’d have a different voice. i’d be someone without crippling anxiety and ocd and depression who can function properly. i would actually be good at things i care about. i wouldn’t spend every moment of my life hating myself and feeling guilty. and i would actually be able to be useful to others. i’d lift them up & not drag them down. i’d be a gift to my family, not a burden.

i wish i hadn’t been brainwashed into thinking “life will be good if you do well in school”. i spent so much time studying and for what? decent grades did nothing for me. the school just wanted to look good and they told you over and over the outcome of your life depends on how well you do in exams. but a degree means nothing if you’re too mentally ill to use it. i could’ve got my current job with much lower grades & no degree. i went to school and got bullied for years for nothing.

i was reading about reincarnation and people keep saying you choose your life circumstances before you’re born and if you have a hard life it’s bc you’re supposed to learn lessons from it. people tell me maybe the point of my life is to learn to accept myself as i am but i don’t want to. 😞 i feel like i’m in a play and i’ve been given the role of “stupid neurotic annoying weird ugly useless girl” to play and people are just telling me to accept that role and it’s sad if there’s no reincarnation i’ll never get to play a different part.

in a way i hope this is karma of some sort bc at least then it would make sense. bc if it’s not it just seems so unfair. i don’t think i’m just whining the psychiatrist i spoke to literally told me my life is a mess & my mental health problems are severe and it makes me “extremely handicapped” but why??? is it bad luck or bad karma or stupidity the reason i’m like this?? i wish i knew

[passingdaysthings]

05.05.2024 - Overwhelmed

Today is Sunday.

I am currently trying to work on 2 overdue assignments I have for class, but I am a bit overwhelmed by them. I am working on a new concept called web scraping which I have never done before, and it has been confusing me for a few days. I am not sure what I have to do or if I am doing it correctly because I am not getting what the instructions are telling me. It's been a like 2 days of trying it, and it's just the first part of the assignment. It's not even the whole assignment, so it is really bother me. I also tried to move on to the next assignment, but that one was giving me trouble too. I am so so glad that I am almost done with this program because the professors are shit. Like... I am doing this web scraping assignment, but they didn't teach us how to webscrape. Unless I just blacked out during lecture which I do, but watching the recording didn't help me. I hope the offline lecture helps me. I just feel like I am not actually learning anything because the lecture is usually pretty different from the hw assignments. Th lecture will touch on parts I need, but it's never enough to actually start the assignment and finish it. I usually have to google everything. It's really annoying. I also do not enjoy the office hours.

Outside of school, I am kind of hanging out, and it's been rather normal. I did overhear my mom talking poorly about me, and it was upsetting. Once again, she just demonstrated her favoritism towards Tracy, and it's crazy how delusional she is. I think the biggest thing she was complaining about was how she has to pay for my schooling and how I always ask for money, but Tracy never ask for money. She gave Tracy 70k to buy a house... I ask for her to pay for my school. My schooling has probably cost her around 18k which is much less than 70k. The 70k she wired to my little sister to help her buy a house. I am not comparing myself to my sister, but for her to say that my sister doesn't ask for money is crazy. Just last month, my little sister charged $600 on my credit card, and then, she asked me to tell our mom to pay for it. Where does my mom think my little sister never ask for money comes from? At least I asked for money to do more schooling... not to buy a house after quitting my job. It makes me sad that I even have to think that way because I know my little sister hated her job, but my mom could wake up a bit and think about what she say a little more. I also never try to compare my sister and I because we are two very different people, but my mom makes it really hard. She legitimately goes around telling our family about how I am useless and do nothing, but my little sister makes a lot of money. My little sister quit her job in January and has been jobless since.. Idk what she is talking about. Of course, I went through like 3 years of no job and no income, so I don't have much to way on this matter, but the fact that my mom is complaining really irks me. This is why I plan on moving away from this shitty family and be on my own. I just feel sorry for my dad because he genuinely supports me unconditionally, so I will miss him. I will most likely stop talking to my mom when I leave too because she thinks I owe her. She evens tells people she "loans" me money while she doesn't mention the money she gives my little sister. If she wants to act like a loan shark then I will treat her like one too and avoid her and my "loans" LOL. I can't wait to find a new job and move. I think that's when I will just cut off and type of financial support my mom gives me. I'll just pay for my own stuff. I guess she can just keep paying the phone bill because we're on a family plan. I just need to endure a little bit more. I can do this! I got this! I just have a little bit more to go. Just 3 more months.

Now we have Taylor. To be honest, I just feel less and less about him, and he seems to irritate me more. I don't get why he acts like he hates spending time with me or I annoy him, but he constantly talks to me? I typically stop talking to people I am annoyed with. These days, I don't feel much when I don't talk to him, and I don't particularly feel the need to talk to him. I also don't have much to say to him. I also don't have the patience to deal with his attitude anymore. I immediately clock out and try to leave when he gives me attitude. I don't particularly hate him or anything. I still value him as a friend too, but I just find myself wanting him to find a girlfriend to do all these things with. Sometimes I feel like I fulfilling a duty? Ig I feel that way given the nature of our relationship. I am not his gf, but I do a lot of gf type things which I don't push away, so I don't blame him. I am just as guilty when it comes to things because I just go along with things. We also made birthday plans to watch scary movies on his birthday. I absolutely hate scary movies, but I don't mind watching them with him. As it has been, I just continue going with the flow when it comes to our "friendship", and I am just waiting for the day it blows up in my face or his.

Oh well. You got this, Paula. Remember 2024 is the year that we are going to be disgustingly educated and work on ourselves. Let's get this MS!

-P

[midnightmisadventures]

Ive had so many fun dreams lately but for some reason i’m coming to write about the scary ones

Um been having nightmares. Last night and today. And they feel really heavy, but important. And frankly i do hate them. Please no more nightmares. But maybe if i write about them i’ll prove to spirit that im listening and then they’ll stop 

First Dream: 

Last night i had a dream where the fam of 5 was traveling, driving road trip vibes probably to florida. We were all together packing the car and idk how but all of a sudden erikka was missing. And we knew immediately there was foul play. We were in a sketchy area ad there were cars going in and out and we were afraid she was kidknapped for trafficking. It was so anxiety inducing, and i tried to keep praying and have a positive attitude that she was strong, she would find a way out, she would show make it home. I kept hoping she would show up any minute. But as hours past i kept getting more worried that i’d never see her again, that something terrible happened. And i was crying and and already grieving. In this dreamverse apparently something similar had happened to dalvin a while back. And erikka used some sort of manifestation power to bring him home safely. So i felt like absolutely garbage that i couldnt do the same for her, i was beating myself up. I kept saying “im supposed to be good at this, i feel useless” 

Next Dream: 

This one was so so very odd. Basically we were at chip and it was the anniversary of this well known historical environmental event. And it happened near the west end fairgrounds or something. So there was a lot of hype and press in our area during this.... 100th anniversary or something like that. I don’t really remember, but there were 10 guys all brothers and they won a contest? or something? from someone in....ohio or some random state. Back in the early 1900s. Anyway, an almost catastrophic event was witnessed by a bunch of people. A huge asteroid hurdled towards earth and grazed the side of it (near west end fairgrounds) and chipped a piece of land. It was marvelous that only a few inches kept it from hitting earth directly and splitting the earth in half. Or doing dinosaur level damage or something else crazy. It couldve killed a ton of people or been an end to humanity. So whatever....a hundred years later or so, they were able to do a super techy demonstration and show what almost happened and what didnt happen through like a hologram projector and the whole town watched and it was really snowy outside and i wasnt wearing pants. It was just trippy to think about how something like that could happen at any moment and kill us. For some reason i made the comment “it always scared me that the fact that an asteroid hasnt hit earth with humans on it is completely by chance and hasnt happened yet which means odds are it WILL happen soon. But i always forget about THIS historic moment, which makes me feel safer in that something technically DID happen” 

Final Dream: 

Okay so again, at chip present day. And i wake up with a bunch of messages from people from high school saying to call....our class prez. Which was so odd, ive never had a personal relationship with him. But everyone was blowing up all socials and talking about something crazy that happened. His twin sister reached out to me and said to call him. Like PV social media was going bonkers!! So i was busy all day, it was always ET’s birthday maybe for a date reference? And the more i ignored it, the more people hit my line. Even claire, messaged me by the end of the day saying “call class prez he’s really not doing well” and i was like WOAH. Cause that means people wanted me to call him so bad that they had reached out to my friends who didnt even go to pv to get my attention. I told erikka “idk why they want me, is it because im good at saying calming words” and she said idk it seemed more specific like he wants to “apologize.” SO then im like what?? By time i call him its 1:03am. But he answered and apparently. A couple of kids from our grad class passed away and class prez was really emotional about it. I remember one being Austin H. And he was so sad and unstable that he made a comment online saying something along the lines of “this is worse than gilaine maxwell creating slave camps for black people” ???? Bro i have no idea. 

So class prez gets ALOT of flack for this comment. I mean its career ruining, he’s getting death threats. So maybe he wanted individual calls from black peers to hear their genuine opinion? So we’re on the phone and he’s profusely apologizing, saying what he said was unacceptable. He said “im sure youve heard my ghislane maxwell comment” i said no...havent got the chance. So he plays me a historic video about supposedly the “actual history” of these slave camps he was referencing. The video had this eerie 1900s black racist cartoon vibe that makes my blood curl. It was about these talented black people being condemmed and found guilty for things they didnt do. The evidence was so blatantly there and still everyone convicted them and sent them to be tortured and die at these camps. It was EXTREMELY unsetteling to watch and to be watching with class prez. Also in the dream, it felt inescabable and scary and for a little it felt like i was there. Like it was playing in my chip bedroom but i went top bunk and i could feel the sticks they were beating the black people with. It felt soooooo evil and sinister, and seriously idk what ancestors are communicating with me via dreams or what they want because this was DARK. So then class prez is asking for my take, and why it matters, and why its bad. And im saying he obvious stuff. The videos message was basically like “it didnt matter if black people were educated, doctors, laywers, scientists, hey were gonna slaughter and torture us anyway” so i didnt know if the vibe was like “be greatful that black people are allowed to have careers?? or get vengeance on white people....it was just so intense. 

So when the video was over and i got off the call, i was so uncomfortable and unsettled. Felt like i had waken up from a nightmare or finished a scary movie. So i desperately tried to turn all the lights back on but ofc it was a dream so everything was dim. Still didnt catch it though. I tried finding my parents for comfort. 

Awful right? No more nightmares 

[deewanapdf]

rant/vent

id appreciate if only mutuals replied

ughh these days I'm just. feeling so stressed. and i just locked myself in the bathroom for a couple minutes and cried like a teenage drama movie and it may seem cliche or some shit but ik my feelings are valid,, rn I don't even have my parents to talk to cause they're in another city for an event and theyre on their flight back rn and i just feel so so lonely. my grandmother (dadi, paternal) is just kinda absentee?? so idk I cant even depend on her or my cousin upstairs cause mainly we're not that close and i just message my sister and she's not free and shes like I'll call you at 10 I don't even think she realized I feel like shit??

idk but I feel she'll help me the most bc it's relates to school.

like idk why but these days I don't feel like doing work at all. like I feel like dropping out. they make it so hard for us they scare us and make us do these horrible subjects I have no interest in and I don't wanna do them i don't wanna go to school I long for a future I might not even have if I don't attend school and I hate the Indian education system it literally fucking sucks and I'm so angry at them but I feel so useless and hopeless and helpless and I don't have any friends bc this is a new school and i was listening to nothing new by taylor swift and phoebe bridgers and I cried at that too bc usually people are interested in the new admission but it's been a month for me and 2 girls have come after me and I just felt so lonely I have made friends but not very good friends and I just keep thinking that I might never make any good friends in school and I want good friends so maybe I'll have to go to college for that but I'm not even sure if I want to bc everything sucks and I might go to an Indian college and again the education system here sucks

and i have hindi homework and I'll probably get scolded for not doing it and I have a history test on Friday and there's maths tuition on Friday and a test there too and a science test on the 9th and I hate maths chem I want to stop learning it bc I'll never use it and I want to end everything if I die here I'll have nothing left to write about and these days I cant read I cant write I don't have time for anything but I have all the time to waste and my parents might scold me when they come back but I don't ever want to anger them, never, but these days I'm stuck on my phone and I think my eyesight is getting even shittier but I still keep looking at my phone and I can't stop I waste my time when I have no time and I don't know how to say stuff to people I want to love and laugh and live my life to the fullest in the way I think is best but right now I can't do that and i hate it and I'll die like this I don't wanna die I wanna live live live but today I'll probably cry myself to sleep

[black-rose-writings]

Reading Twilight because I hate myself - Preface - Chapter 1

Chapters: Preface&1, 2, 3&4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9&10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15&16, 17, 18-20, 21-Epilogue

It’s start this by saying I have never read this book before - I was too young when it first came out and by the time I was old enough, I was also “not like the other girls” and the book was out of fashion, kinda. But Twilight reneissance seems kinda fun and I wanted to see what this shit was all about. I do have some vague ideas about the plot from watching people roasting it, but this is my first time actually reading this book.

I have also not watched any of the movies, but I plan to in the near future, preferably with some alcohol nearby.

I will also probably be comparing this to the Grishaverse books, because the two universes have a lot in common as far as I know.

Preface:

Murder time, yay!

Also, I am once again reminded of ho much I hate first person POV stuff.

Bella is a dramatic bitch (affectionate, at least for now).

Chapter 1 - First Sight

Wait, this has chapter names? I can’t even remember the last time I’ve read an actual book with actual chapter names.

Oh, yeah, american measurement system. Should I get a covnerter ready?

Wow, clothing descriptions being the first thing of the book... what is this, 2013 Wattpad fic?

(I’m guessing Twilight is where that was popularized, or? Also, I looked it up and apparently, I was 3 years old when this book came out, so my knowledge of this time period is and will be extremely limited)

Bella’s mom is... yikes. Either she’s a fucking useless idiot or Bella is an extremely judgemental girl. Maybe both.

I get that Bella never spent much time with her dad, but calling him by his first name is a bit weird to me. IDK, I’m lucky enough to have lived with both my parents my entire life, so maybe this is normal when there’s separation?

Ah, yes, another time tested trope of a YA protagonist - she’s a clumsy bitch. At least this one doesn’t have to spell it out, lol.

At least you’re honest about it (unlike others *cough cough* Alina Starkov *cough cough*), though damn, you’re really bitchy about it.

But homegirl seems to be trying to be nice to people.

I feel her on the conversation part.

Maybe it’s just the e-book I got, but it seems like some words are just... unnecessarily capitalized?

I don’t know jack-shit about cars, but I’m glad she’s happy.

Oh, right, internet is not an everywhere thing yet. Wow, it’s been a while, huh?

What’s so weird about sharing a bathroom with someone? As long as you can lock it, I don’t see the issue? Is that an american thing?

As a socially awkward bean myself, I kinda feel the relief of being left alone.

Okay, this might be projection on my part, but I’m getting some autistic/neurodivergent vibes from Bella. Anyone else?

And her dad might be too. Like, from that short description of him, he definitelly reminds me of my dad. I know that Eddy-boy’s inability to read her mind is somehow genetic, so maybe his powers just don’t work on autistic people?

Yeah, fuck the rain, I agree.

Metal detectors? Americans have metal detectors at school? I mean, I’m not surprised, but damn.

Sure, Bella, sure.

I’m a not a novice to “physical descriptions when you don’t know the character name”, but I’ve been warned she’s mean about it, so let’s see.

I don’t understand american schools, in case that wasn’t clear, so I’m weirded out by the “have some classes together”.

Oof, the dreaded “Introduce yourself”. Yeah, I feel that. We’ve had a couple “circles of torment” in my classes this year and I wanted to strange the teacher.

(Circle of torment is a nickname me and my classmates gave to the “Let’s go one by one and introduce yourself” thing).

Doesn’t like eye contact? Another point to the “Bella is autistic” counter. I think I’ll just try to go through this book with that headcanon in mind. Might make things a little easier.

Yeah, we get it, you’re a pasty bitch. Just insert “vampire” instead of albino into all those references and I can guarantee you I’ve made them myself.

Bella is bi, confirmed, lol.

The Cullens are cryptids, confirmed. Everyone knows they’re vampires and they don’t say anything, because the Cullens don’t bother anyone.

If I ever misspell Jasper as Jesper, I am very sorry.

“Don’t judge people for being infertile.“ for now, anyway.

He probably just needs to shit and didn’t get the chance to go during the break, chill out, girl.

Bella senses danger. She’s right.

He’s not really mean? He literally didn’t do anything? He was just sitting there? Calm down?

Mike is going to be a weird creepy nice guy, isn’t he?

PE is hell on earth, indeed. I’m so glad I don’t have it in college.

I don’t know jackshit about driving or cars, as I said, but crying while driving seems risky.

[chateautae]

hi sammy. i hope it’s alright for me to send you this, ive just been feeling really down today and wanted to ask advise from someone who doesn’t know me but who also brings me comfort.

my family moved to a big city this summer and i was supposed to move there around now-ish after finishing my degree. but i haven’t been able to secure a job/internship because of lack of experience due to covid these past 3 years and today my family told me i couldn’t move there until i secure a job because it’s really expensive. which i understand but today is the first time they told me this clearly and i just feel abandoned and useless. i feel so useless and shitty about myself because i worked my ass off to get a good degree and im incapable of securing a job, it’s just rejection after rejection and im starting to question everything including my worth.

i feel abandoned because my sister is going to this expensive international school and they go out every day almost and im just like..all i wanted was to join you guys. i thought it would be easier to look for a job once im actually there instead of looking online but they let me know that it would just be additional costs for nothing and i don’t wanna push. i understand that im older and i need to be able to support myself as well, but it’s just a shitty feeling, seeing how much fun they’re having there while im over here really struggling. im not a sentimental person and i can’t remember the last time i cried but ever since they told me this today i can’t stop crying anytime i think about it because i can’t believe how useless i am.

it gets even worse when i think about the boys. i see them and i see how successful they are at such a young age and i feel so proud of them and want nothing more but to be like them, be strong and successful because they inspire me so much, but when i keep on getting rejected i feel ashamed and bad about myself. im not comparing myself to them, i just really look up to them and not being able to achieve what i wanted to the way they did makes me wanna cry myself to sleep. being in my current situation, i get overwhelmed by an intense feeling of shame when i think about them.

idk what to do, how do i not loose hope? how do i keep on looking for jobs and stay motivated when all i get back in return is rejection? how do i get rid of this feeling of worthlessness? ive been trying to manifest good things for myself for so long but it just doesn’t seem to be working.

im sorry for dumping this on you, you don’t even have to reply i just felt like ranting because im not familiar with these feelings and im just lost and sad and confused and i hate this feeling, i just want to be able to feel proud of myself for once

first of all loves, i am so sorry for getting to this message so late, and i genuinely hope things are better for you by the time you see this!! if they're not, then i hope my words can bring you comfort, and i'm so happy you do see me as someone who can offer you that, it truly means a lot that you chose to confide in me <33

and honestly loves? what you feel is valid; i don't think it's fair for you to be iced out like this simply because circumstances aren't lining up for you. and i want you to know that that is exactly what this is, misaligned circumstance. this says nothing about your capability or that you're worth any less than your sibling's love. i promise you, there are numerous fully competent, brilliant people who also struggle to find anything in this cutthroat world, and i can tell you that this also happened to me! not that i'm saying i'm brilliant, i hoenstly believe myself the opposite, but what I'm saying is that there was a time where i genuinely was trapped at a horrible job that was destroying my mental health and me as a person, and i believed I would never find my way out. i continuously would apply to jobs and get nothing in return for months, and it got to a point where i honestly did give up. but i found my motivation again when i realized that nothing can happen if I don't at least keep trying to wedge my foot into the door, and so i decided fuck it, i'm gonna knock on doors searching for opportunity, praying that someone will hear me and guess what? right when i least expected it, someone heard my knock and opened the door, which even lead to another door opening for me and now i'm exactly where i wanted to see myself.

this isn't meant to put you down at all my love, but i just wanted to tell you that motivation really is hard to keep and find, but just because you keep receiving rejections does not make you worth any less than what you are. it simply means your time has yet to come, and while it sounds cliche, it's true, because there's no way you'll find that out if you don't keep trying, okay? i promise one step you take today could lead you down the path you're meant to take, or open a door that leads to success. feeling lonely and abandoned is also valid, because family is important and they mean everything to us, and i genuinely believe you should not have been cast aside like that, but i hope the motivation to also show your family that you're worth more than being iced out can push you to keep going. you're so strong and capable of fucking anything loves, remember that!

[katnissmellarkkk]

Okayyyy chappy seven 🤩 Here we goooo 🥳

Lord, Katniss always had nightmares 😭 even before the games, between her father’s death, her mother’s abandonment and the other traumatizing things she saw in her life, my girl never slept peacefully a day in her life 🥺.

She even indicates that she sometimes has nightmares about past hunger games 😭😭😭. Someone protect my smol child. Please. Someone.... Someone? Anyone? No? Okay 🥺

“I bolt up screaming for my father to run as the mine explodes into a million deadly bits of light.” This is such a powerful image and it really does show that Katniss has literally envisioned all the gory details of her father’s death for the last four years. This is so sad 😞

Also though. Katniss really doesn’t talk much about her father’s death after the first book and definitely doesn’t describe nightmares about it. So .... like basically, the games traumatized her so badly that, her father failing to escape the mines as the collapsed in on him, crushing him into the pits of despair, the possibility of rescuing his corpse deemed unimaginable, pales in comparison? Yes I just tried and failed to phrase that long run on sentence the way Katniss phrases her nightmares about her dad dying, yes that was over the top but you know what? So. Is. Katniss.

“Dawn is breaking through the windows” Twilight reference 😬😬😬. I couldn’t stop myself, y’all. Forgive for please.

“The Capitol has a misty, haunted air.” Katniss, you’re from the butthole of Kentucky, the air you’re used to is probably humid as all get out 😓😓💦😅😅

“I must have bitten into the side of my cheek in the night. My tongue probes the ragged flesh and I taste blood.” 😒😒😒😒 this feeling ..... is .... v v v .... distinct .... and .... familiar 😕🙁☹️

“I end up hopping from foot to foot as alternating jets of icy cold and steaming hot water assault me.” Why is this so funny omg 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂😅😅😅😅😅 Katniss is just like pressing buttons like, “Ah! Too cold! 🥶 Ah! Too hot! 🥵 Ah!!!!!” All while jumping like a .... cat 🐱🥁

Lemon foam? 🍋 Whatever. I guess there’s weirder flavors of soap we have today but like where’s the Philosophy flavors that give recipes on the bottles??? Surely they’d survive an apocalypse??? Everyone uses those???

I’m so glad Katniss didn’t forget to moisturize, even as she prepares for a death match 😅😅😅😅 even if it’s just as simple as pressing a single button, why is she even taking the time to press it?

I know, I know. She just wants to make sure her skin is so smooth for the arena that the knives and arrows just slide right off 🤣🤣🤣🤣

“This is the first time since the morning of the reaping that I resemble myself.” Lolololol which means Mr. Romantic is gonna be even more turned on by the sight of ya, since he’s crushed on you looking like this for the last decade of his life 🥳😎🤗💁🏼‍♀️. Peeta ain’t even here yet and I’m already making the shipper comments Samantha calm down 🙄😶😑🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Seriously there where is Peeta? Did he also have to figure out the temperature controls in the shower? Did he also moisturize? I miss him I wanna know about his morning too 😔. Katty, is it too much to ask for you to go take a lil ... sneak peek into his room for me? 😏😏😏

Twenty dishes seems like a lot for like four people eating? Eh, maybe six people, if we count the stylists who magically pick and choose when they’re coming to a meal... Hmm, I’ll calculate just so no one else has to. 🤓😬🤗 No one else cares, Samantha. 🤐🥱😴😶 Twenty dishes amounts out to about five plates without the stylists and three and a half-ish with so.... idk it’s not that much food I guess but it seems like a lot for one meal, esp if people in the Capitol intend to keep their trim figures. This is why that one prep team girl is chubby. 🤐🤐🤐

Awww Katniss copying Peeta’s weird lil eating quirks 🤗😎🥳. She’s already taking interest in him, she just don’t realize it yet 💁🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ shipper comment alert 🚨🚨

But also has anyone actually tried dipping bread on hot chocolate and was it good or does it taste as repulsive as it sounds to me? I hate it when my food even so much as dares to touch though 🤢😡😤😓

Oooo I always forget Prim has to be utilizing her goat, milking the thing every day until it’s dry I’m not a farmer idk how milking animals works ... so she contributes more than I give her credit I suppose.... I’m making an effort for you, Primmers. You seem useless and immature but I’m trying. 😪😶 Taylor Swift voice 🎶 *this is me trying* 🎶

Oh wow it was only two mornings ago? Man. The first book is slow moving. 😅😭 six chapters in and we’ve gotten through one point five days 🤣

“It makes me irritated that Peeta is wearing exactly the same outfit I am.” “Listen, Peeta, one of us has to change, this is getting embarrassing, you have to stop borrowing my clothes!”

“This twins act is going to blow up in out faces once the Games begin.” Ahhaahahahaha blow up 💥 💣 🔥. Get it, get it. 🥁 Because she represents fire. And she also blows things up in Every. Single. Book.

But seriously, did Cinna and Portia and Haymitch all plan on presenting Katniss and Peeta are like, tight friends or whatever, and then Peeta is like “oh b-tee-dubs, I have a massive crush on K-dog” and they just decided it perfectly fit into their plans?

I’m so jealous that their breakfast has bread baskets 😩😩😩 I know they’re headed to the slaughter but still. Bread.

if you like, I'll coach you separately. Decide now." "Why would you coach us separately?" In case one of you ... not naming names .... Peeta .... wants to reveal your lifelong crush on live television 😎😎😎

Also Haymitch is like “make an important decision but take zero time to consider it, I’m tired and hungover, kids, idc for your drama 😒”

Which as an auntie to a wonderful little two year old ... is v relatable 😅🥲🙃🤭

“And I already know what yours is, right? I mean, I've eaten enough of your squirrels." I wanna make a dirty joke here so badly but the lord himself is saying no.

“Town families usually eat expensive butcher meat. Beef and chicken and horse.” Ohhh this is interesting. Katniss believing Peeta and the other merchants live high on the hog while Peeta is later is like “I eat expired bread for every meal, Katniss” I mean, better than starving like her, but also not how she’s painting the picture in her mind. 😶😭

Also Katniss never mentions horses in Twelve, where’s the butcher getting horses from to slaughter and sell? That’s why Katniss never sees them, Samantha, duh 🙄

“I can't do anything. Unless you count baking bread.” "Sorry, I don't.” This was such a quick and matter of fact brush off, poor Peeta 😭😭😭 my baby I’m still rooting for you don’t worry you got this

Also. Lowkey, highkey, that tiny exchange triggered me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭. Those awkward moments where people brush me off or glance over me live in my head. Rent free. For life.

I wonder sometimes often times if Katniss’ father and Gale’s father knew each other? Both hunted and worked in the mines. Just a random sidebar 😅🤭🤐🙃

“She’s excellent” He’s so proud of his wife 🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧

So uh.... is it safe to say Mr. Mellark is an Everlark fan? If he likes and admires Katniss and Peeta and him apparently have some kind of close-ish bond (okay, maybe not but maybe) then perhaps he is carrying the shipper banner back in Twelve for them 🥳🥳😎😎

Katniss, you dingaling, of course he noticed you 🙄🙄🙄

Peeta compliments her and her instant reaction is “what are you doing, weirdo?” 😅😭

“Don’t underrate yourself” Peeta, love of my life, take your own advise. Stupid. 😪😪😪

“I've seen you in the market. You can lift hundred-pound bags of flour” Katniss in the market, staring across the way at Peeta, 👁👄👁, watching him lift flour over his shoulder.

“He came in second in our school competition last year, only after his brother." This is criminally undiscussed. Peeta being a wrestler alone is undiscussed but also.... did you go to his matches, Katniss? Miss Anti-Social, Hunting-First-Everything-Else-Later? 😏😏😏 If this ain’t proof of her lil crush idk what is

“All you need is to come up with a knife, and you'll at least stand a chance.” “You'll be living up in some tree eating raw squirrels and picking off people with arrows.” Does no one else realize that Katniss and Peeta literally took the other’s advise for the first part of the games? How did Peeta get in with the Careers? The way she just said. Where is Katniss when Peeta and the Careers discover her? High up in a tree. Okay, this maybe didn’t compute right but I had a thought here so I said it

Peeta’s mother is just a monster. Who says that crap? 😔😔😔 don’t worry, baby, I’m rooting for you

“She said, 'She's a survivor, that one.' She is” Yeah, she is, no thanks to you, Mrs. Mellark 😤. Stingy ho.

Peeta’s got pain in his eyes 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Awww, Katniss accrediting her survival to Peeta’s help 😭😭😭😭. This is so pure. Also kiss now, you little freaks.

“She has no idea. The effect she can have.” This is such an iconic line... but the can has always had me laughing. She can have an effect, if she really wants to. Or not, depending on the day.

Katniss is so stupid, how did she construe that as an insult??? 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ y’all ever just wanna smack her into a wall?

“In public, I want you by each other's side every minute” If Peeta didn’t have a long life crush, what was the ultimate plan with all this friendship act they’re being forced into? 🤔🤔🤔

Even Peeta’s trying to object to it 😭😭😭😭

“You will be together, you will appear amiable to each other.” You will fall in love. 🤩🥳😎

“I bite my lip and stalk back to my room, making sure Peeta can hear the door slam.” Okay, now imagine how much she’s hurting his feelings right now 😖😣 what a little brat

“But that didn't mean I wanted to do everything with Peeta. Who, by the way, clearly doesn't want to be partnering up with me, either.” Lolololololololol this is so funny in hindsight 🤣🤣🤣. Also if you showed a little enthusiasm, Peeta would probably be happy to partner with you.

“But a tiny part of me wonders if this was a compliment. That he meant I was appealing in some way.” No, really, Katniss? A compliment? Who’d give you one of those? 🙄🙄🙄

“It's weird, how much he's noticed me. Like the attention he's paid to my hunting.” A normal person at this point would put together a crush 😅

“And apparently, I have not been as oblivious to him as I imagined, either. [...] I have kept track of the boy with the bread.” Anddd a normal person would figure out their own crush at this point 😅😅.

“I do a quick assessment. Peeta and I are the only two dressed alike.” We stan a matching couple in this house 😎😏

“Almost all of the boys and at least half of the girls are bigger than I am” That means 18 out of 24 tributes tower over my girl here. Smol Katniss. The movies did such erasure on this front I’m still bitter 🤐😒😤😩

“I may be smaller naturally, but overall my family's resourcefulness has given me an edge in that area.” Just a tiny muscular thing standing next to a bunch of tall, lanky kids. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

Awww “Each [Career tribute] must have fifty to a hundred pounds on me.” I mean ... let’s calculate. A muscular girl would probably weigh like 150 pounds... so basically Katniss is at most, 100 pounds. Tiny Katty.

“I'm thinking that it's lucky I'm a fast runner when Peeta nudges my arm and I jump.” This is a random, cute interaction 😍😍😍. Shipper blinders are on and tight.

“Suppose we tie some knots.” “Right you are.” I legitimately just scratched my face, who says right you are? An 87 year old man, that’s who 😅😅😅. Not turning your girl on very well, Peeta baby.

Although it does sound a bit like a backwoods southern thing soooo.... hillbilly Everlark nation rise. 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️

“We concentrate on this one skill for an hour until both of us have mastered it.” Awww, so Peeta knows how to tie a snare? He’s not as clueless as half the fandom acts.

How exactly is frosting cakes equating to amazing camouflager in a death match? Books crack me up with these connections. “I’m an amazing artist because I write birthday cards!”

Lolololol Prim admiring her future brother-in-law’s handiwork 🥰🥰🥰🥰 too bad she dies before they can get together for real for real.

“Somehow the whole thing - his skill, those inaccessible cakes, the praise of the camouflage expert - annoys me.” Dude, you get praised by everyone and their brother while Peeta gets overlooked, give him a moment to shine. 😑🙄 jealous wife much?

Also she’s already picking up on Peeta’s eye for beauty 😅😅😅

“It's lovely. If only you could frost someone to death.” "Don't be so superior. You can never tell what you'll find in the arena. Say it's actually a gigantic cake-“ "Say we move on.” She’s such a little snot. 😒😒😒

But also I love that already in this point of their relationship, Peeta is noticing when she’s being a brat 😭😂😅. “Don’t be so superior.”

“Despite Haymitch's order to appear mediocre, Peeta excels in hand-to-hand combat, and I sweep the edible plants test without blinking an eye.” Lolololol their mentor’s advise went into one ear and right out the other 😂😅🤣.

But also why did the movie make a point in adding an extra scene of Peeta looking weak and the Careers staring at him? That literally took up time and served no purpose at all. 😤😤😤 I’m coming for you, Gary Ross

Awww, everyone but the careers eat alone. But Katniss and Peeta eat together 🥺🥺🥺. It’s like a forced first date 🥳🥳🥳

I like how Katniss says they include bread from every district but she then proceeds to only mention the two districts that later have relevant tributes. 😅😅😅

Lolololol their fake friendship “laugh ... now! Okay, I’ll smile, try to say something interesting”

“Ever since I slammed my door, there's been a chill in the air between us.” Well yeah, you probably hurt his feelings 🥺🥺🥺

Umm, Katniss just casually drops that she was chased by a bear.... how did homegirl live? 😬😳

Peeta knowing Rue’s name and being the one to take notice of her first 🥺🥺🥺. If the games had come down to Katniss, Peeta and Rue, y’all know Everlark would have swallowed the berries and gotten Rue home. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

“Don't. Don't let's pretend when there's no one around.” "All right, Katniss.” He made a single comment to you, ding dong. He didn’t ask for a goodnight kiss 🙄🙄🙄.

Also anyone ever think of how lonely Peeta’s life must be? He’s not close to his family that we can see, Delly’s his only real friend, after he wins he lives in that huge house all alone... I feel sad now. I did this to myself. 😬😭🥺

Katniss’ “Oh! The weapons!” When she sees the bows and arrows is so cute 🥰🥰🥰

Katniss has such a rage built up inside of her. Let it out, girlfriend

See, I’d have done this too but in my rage, I’d probably have shot a real person and not the pig ... goodbye, Plutarch 👋🏻

Andddd I think that’s all for this chapter! Sorry my comments weren’t as interesting as usual 😬.

[inkedtbz]

do me a favor | juyeon

pairing : juyeon x you

genre : exes to lovers au, fluff, maybe sexual tension? idk

word count : 2.5k

SUMMARY : after breaking up a year ago, you and juyeon still found yourselves in love with each other. too stubborn to get back together, your friends decide to take matters into their own hands.

“(Y/n), come on, please?” Eric pleaded, his head tilted like a wounded puppy. He's been following you around the hall for the past ten minutes, pestering you for yet another favor. 

Pretending not to hear, you plugged your earphones one by one as you walked, continuously ignoring his attempts at aegyo, “Sorry, I can't hear you!” 

He groaned, rolling his eyes before rushing in long strides to stop you in your path. Eric extends his arms out, blocking your every attempt to move past him. His lips jut into a pout. “Come on, just one favor. One!”

“Just one favor-” You mocked, imitating his tone. “Yeah, I heard that one before.” Grinning, you shoved him playfully, before going your own way.

Eric grumbled as he grabbed his phone out of his pocket. Quickly, he sent a message to their newly made group chat. 

ERIC

MISSION FAILED

she just ignored me TT TT

HYUNJAE

are you sure you’re really her best friend?

YOUNGHOON

We have to get them to talk somehow

She keeps whining about him still aND I AM OVER IT

ERIC

YES I AM HER BEST FRIEND

but that’s not important

wHAT WILL WE DO NOW??

_

“Heads up!” Jacob shouted, passing the ball towards him before Haknyeon could steal.

Juyeon usually hung out on the open basketball court after school with his friends, Hyunjae, Jacob and Haknyeon. 

Dribbling the ball between his hands, Juyeon kept his eyes on Hyunjae’s, looking for a way past him. The latter held a solid defense, reaching every now and then to attempt a steal. For a moment, the older’s gaze wavered and it didn’t take long for Juyeon to seize the opportunity. He pivoted, turning by the ball of his foot before running towards the other direction. With no other guards, his way towards the basket was clear. So, he jumped and shot the ball with a flick of his wrist. 

The soft whoosh of the ball going through the net echoed throughout the court. 

“Break! I need a break.” Haknyeon said in between heavy breaths. He sprawled on the ground with Jacob opting to lay beside him.

Juyeon sat on the bench, a smug smile plastered on his features. “Good game.” He nodded towards Hyunjae. He grabbed a bottle of water and took a swig. 

Hyunjae's phone chimed. Making sure to keep the screen facing away from Juyeon, he opened the group chat. After reading the contents, it took all his willpower to resist the urge to facepalm in front of everyone. 

ERIC

YES I AM HER BESTFRIEND

but that’s not important

wHAT WILL WE DO NOW??

Drops of water spilled on the ground, catching Hyunjae's attention. 

“Shit-” Juyeon cursed, crouching down to pick up the bottle. But his eyes were nowhere near the ground. 

Ah, Hyunjae thought. That's why.

You were walking just outside the court, with books held close to your chest. 

Juyeon goes still at the sight of you, his grip on the bottle tightening with each second that passes. His gaze held steady until you were out of sight. Only then did he blink, bringing himself back to reality.

“Man, if you wanted her back, staring isn't gonna do the trick.” Haknyeon said, shaking his head.

“You could, you know, actually talk to her?” Jacob suggested, “Maybe she's still hung over you too.”

“I'm not hung over her!” Juyeon denied, his easy smile becoming a frown upon hearing their words. “Besides,” He muttered, “We broke up a year ago. There's no way she's still into me.”

Hyunjae glanced towards his other friends, who had the same thought. Yeah, right.

ERIC

We better think of a new plan quick!!

YOUNGHOON

She just entered the library!!

An idea popped into Hyunjae's head. Slowly, his lips twitched into a grin as he sent a text.

HYUNJAE

Leave it to me

_

“Juyeon.”

He inclined his head towards the direction of his caller, showing a small smile. A nice, cool shower after a game always puts him in a pleasant mood, even after seeing an ex he may or may not still be into. “Yeah?”

“Would you mind grabbing my notebook from the library? I'd get it myself but my roommate texted me. Says it's urgent.” Hyunjae asked, scratching the back of his nape.

Juyeon closed his gym locker then turned around to face his friend. “But isn't the library closed at this hour?”

“The student part-timer would still be there by this time. He'd let you in.” 

“Alright, I'll get it.” 

Hyunjae grinned, mostly out of satisfaction. Their plan was in motion, and neither of the two knew a single thing. 

After a short walk, Juyeon arrived in the library, a huge hall stacked with different kinds of books. The hall seemed colder when it was closed, the lights were dimmed and the seats usually occupied by busy students were empty. The library wasn't a place he visited often, so he found himself looking around longer than he should.

“Hey, Juyeon. What do you need?” Younghoon asked, cleaning up his work area. He looked ready to leave. 

“Ah, I came to pick up what Hyunjae left behind. I was wondering where he might have been.”

“Check the reference section.” 

“Thanks.” 

He sauntered towards the seemingly endless shelves. Hundreds of wooden ledges holding hefty tomes. Juyeon focused on the label on each section, avoiding the charts and tables that contain information that would make his head spin. 

“Circulation, periodicals…” Juyeon read to himself as he passed each sign. It wasn't until he walked by a hundred more shelves that finally, he reached the reference section. 

Immediately, he rushed towards the reading area and scanned the tables for any notebook that was left behind.

Instead of a notebook, a familiar, not to mention equally surprised, face greeted him. 

“The library's closed. What are you doing here?” You asked, after a few seconds of awkward silence. 

Once the shock faded, you wore an expression of indifference, trying to hide the fact that your heart wanted to beat out of your chest. 

Juyeon gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing as he searched for words. “I could say the same for you.” He retorted.

“Younghoon is my friend too. He lets me stay after hours to do some research.” You said, your voice sounding harder, as if angry. 

“Well, I just came to pick up Hyunjae's notebook. Then I'll be out of your hair.” 

Hyunjae's notebook? You thought, your eyebrows furrowing. “How could he leave his notebook? He was never here.”

He must have seen your expression because he seemed confused as well. Slowly, the two of you realize what your friends have done. The weight of each other's presence dawns on you both, and none of you have an idea what to do.

Juyeon takes a step closer, daring to make the first move. “Listen to me…”

“Juyeon, please.” You said, cutting him off. Your voice threatens to shake, but you keep it steady, not wanting to break. “We broke up a year ago. You don't owe me anything. Not an apology, not this conversation.” 

“You don't want me here.” He said, his resolve crumbling at your words. “Fine, I'll leave.”

You barely nodded, putting all your attention back on your book. You tried to block out the echoes of his footsteps as he walked away. 

No, the truth was you weren't over Juyeon. How could you be? Everyday, you see him around campus. You can't help but miss his smile, his laugh and his warmth whenever he held you in his arms. Every memory you shared was still vivid in your mind, and thinking about them was like rubbing salt on an open wound.

You don't remember why you broke up, not exactly. Perhaps you both weren't ready, maybe you needed space to grow. 

But the funny thing is, space did nothing except make you want him more. So much more that it hurts.

Your train of thought gets interrupted by the urgency in Juyeon's voice as he shouted. “Hey, (y/n). You might want to check this out.”

Curious, you hurried towards him. You stopped in your path when you finally saw Juyeon. A cold wave of panic washed over you when you find him fiddling with the knob on the door. 

“What's going on?” You asked, slowly taking a step closer.

“The door won't budge.”

“Very funny, Juyeon. Open it.”

“I am!” 

You make your way towards the door, shoving him off the knob. You tightly grasp it, twisting it with all your strength. It won't move.

“It's stuck.” You hissed, kicking the door out of frustration. Immediately, you recoil, the pain of the impact taking you aback. “Ow!”

Before you could fall on your ass, Juyeon held his arms out, pulling you close to his chest. “You okay?”

“Fine.” You squeaked, pushing yourself off of him before he could see your reddening cheeks. “How do we get out?”

He took a couple of steps back before taking his phone out. “Hold on, I'll text our friends.”

You simply nodded before leaning on the counter.

JUYEON

I hate all of you

Now get us out of here 

YOUNGHOON

No way

ERIC

We're tired of your whining

Both of you

HYUNJAE

No one's getting out until you patch things up

ERIC 

You have all night !!! ; )

YOUNGHOON

ERIC NO

I don't wanna clean any messes

HYUNJAE

Gross

Soooo yea

you're stuck there

HAVE FUN

Juyeon groaned before keeping his phone in his pocket. He sat on a chair across from where you were standing. “We have useless friends.” He said, sighing.

“Yeah, I thought as much.”

Again, an awkward silence settled in the room. Both of you had much to say, but neither had the nerve to attempt anything, much less bridge the gap that had formed over the past few months. 

“I'm cold.” was all you could say. 

Juyeon's expression softened, his dark eyes filling with worry as he remembered how cold you easily get. He shrugged off his jacket and handed it to you, still keeping a careful distance. “Here.”

“Thanks.” You nodded gratefully before taking it from his hand. A familiar, comforting scent washed over you as you placed his coat on your shoulders. Perhaps it wasn't just the jacket, but you felt warmer already. 

“Can we talk now?” Juyeon asked, turning his eyes to the floor as he took in a sharp breath, as if preparing himself for rejection. 

You nodded, “It's not like we have anything better to do.”

“Right.” He chuckled, combing his fingers through his hair as he finally made eye contact with you. “How have you been?”

Good. But probably better with you. You thought. “Busy.” You replied instead. “I've had a couple of projects here and there, so I've been occupied. How about you?”

“The same.” He nodded, his eyes drilling onto yours, as if reading your thoughts. You wish he couldn't. Otherwise, he'd know how much you were holding yourself back. 

His lips formed a soft, sad smile. “You look great, by the way. Our time apart was good to you.”

“Then, it must have been good to you too,” You admitted, shifting your gaze down towards your fingers, which were nervously fidgeting on the hem of your shirt. You could feel the intensity of his stare, even when you weren't looking. “You can move closer if you like.”

“Like this?” He asked, standing up to take a step closer. 

You shook your head, noting the amused tone in Juyeon's voice. “Closer.”

He moved a few inches closer, and yet he was still out of arms reach. “This close?”

You lift your chin up, daring to look him in the eye as you uttered the next words. “Come as close as you want.”

Suddenly, everything was a blur. A moment ago, he was across from you, staring with a gaze intense enough to make anyone feel small. Now, he had you pinned on the counter, trapping you in between his arms. Your eyes were like magnets, not one daring to break contact.

You could feel his every breath brush over your face. Yet somehow, you felt he wasn't close enough. 

“Can I kiss you?” Juyeon whispered, his gaze flitting over to your lips. 

“Please.”

You felt your breath catch as he leans closer. Your eyes flutter shut when you feel his lips press firmly on yours. The sound of your beating heart faded in the background, and all you can think about was how soft his lips were when they moved in sync with yours, and how his arms slowly wrapped themselves around your waist, holding you flush against his body. 

As for Juyeon, he could hardly believe that he was talking to you again, let alone kissing you in an empty library. His mind was blank and all he could feel was your fingers pulling on his hair as you claimed his mouth hungrily. He felt weak as you moved against each other, finally realizing how much he wanted this for so damn long, but then again, he had always been weak for you. You could ask for the world and he'd give it to you on a silver platter.

With heaving breaths, you both pull away, opting to press your forehead against each others. You look at him and you see his mussed hair and swollen lips, you could imagine that you looked the same, probably worse. But you didn't care, you just kissed Juyeon, and you were happy about it.

“I've wanted to do that again for so long.” He admitted between breaths, his lips curling into a shy smile.

“Me too,” You whispered, offering a smile of your own. 

“What does this mean for us?” He asked, his eyes searching yours for an answer he wants to hear. “I want to make us work. I was so stupid to let you go.”

“So stupid,” You nodded, resisting the urge to smile, “Let's try again, Juyeon.”

He leaned in for a soft peck on your lips, trailing a finger on your cheek as he smiled with eyes only for you. 

You don't remember falling asleep. But you do recall cuddling on one of the library's loveseats, sharing whispers and long, slow kisses in the dead of night. 

_

“IT WORKED. OUR PLAN WORKED!”

“Shh. You're in a library, Eric. Shut up.” 

Eric's voice made you jump. Your eyes snapped open and you sat straight up, startling Juyeon, who rolled off and fell on the hard floor. 

“Ugh- what's going on?” He groaned, nursing his shoulder, which took most of the impact. 

You rubbed the sleep away from your eyes and gasped at the sight of your friends grinning stupidly at the two of you. 

“Did you have fun last night?” Hyunjae teased, wiggling his eyebrows. 

You ignored them and gave Juyeon a peck on the cheek, “I gotta go shower. I have class. I'll see you later.” 

He nodded and watched you leave, but not before seeing you flip the finger towards your friends, who responded with laughter.

“So, how was it?” Younghoon asked, his eyes scanning his tangled hair and puffy lips. “I'm guessing you patched things up.”

“I'm not doing any of you a favor ever again.” Juyeon said, before sighing. “But… thanks.”

A huge cheer erupted from his group of friends, and Juyeon tried not to be embarrassed from the sharp glares they received from various sleep-deprived students occupying the library. 

But he let his friends have their moment, he owed them after all.

[hidingoutbackstage]

infodump to be about resident evil handsome <3

Ohhhh my gosh where to start.

Honestly I'm just gonna talk about my favorite characters and why I like them, and also the problems I have with them

It'll be under the cut, for those who don't care lol

Gonna start with Rebecca because she's the fave that I have the most issues with. I really like her character, she's smart, she's strong, she's a good fighter, and she's witty, and for all of those reasons she's fun to watch and play as. My issues with her are that Capcom has absolutely no clue what to do with her. She's a side character in the first game that doesn't get to do much except get told to stay out of the way, in her own game, RE0, she's literally the main character but ends up feeling like a supporting character for Billy's arc, and holy fuck is she nerfed in Vendetta. She has that scene at the school making the antidote in the lab, and has a good scene where she fights off some zombies before hiding and getting rescued. She tells Chris what she knows and they go find Leon before she gets kidnapped and gets to do absolutely nothing else for the rest of the film. She's a damsel in distress, is almost forced to marry the villain because she looks like his fridged wife, and is infected with the virus and rendered immobile until Chris and Leon rescue her. Like that entire scene she's just sitting on the table writhing and moaning makes me so uncomfortable. Capcom made a great character, they just didn't know what to do with her (and apparently STILL DON'T considering she's not even in Welcome to Raccoon City) Also, can she not be older? It's impressive that she graduated from college at 18, it shows her incredible intellect, but that doesn't mean she has to be 18 in the first game, does it? Can she not be more adult-like? Idk

Next is Claire. Claire is great! Claire I have less issues with, considering the franchise has been nicer to her character recently. Obviously the peak of her character was in the RE2 remake, but she had other great moments too, I liked her a lot in the darkside chronicles, but also like Rebecca, it seems like the game doesn't always know how to use her character, or end up sidlining her for the male characters. Example, Code Veronica, she's fine, but she's way too broken up about Steve imo (maybe I just hate him) and once she's reunited with Chris she's kind of a player 2 to him. And in Revelations 2 she's kind of just a catalyst for change in Moira. And holy fuck don't get me started on how nerfed she was in Infinite Darkness. She is TOTALLY the B story to Leon's A story and even has her damsel in distress moment with the acid. I liked the ending of ID and I liked the story but I just wish there'd been more Claire.

Leon is fine, I love his character arc from RE2 to Vendetta and all the bits in between, I just think because he's so popular it gets exhausting lmao like Capcom knows how popular he is so they milk it for all it's worth and with there being so many fans there's obviously going to be a lot that I don't like/don't agree with. That's probably splitting hairs though, I do think he's the best-written and best handled RE character Capcom has by far

Jill Valentine my sweet summer child you deserve so much better. She's never been overly sexualized (if you don't count whatever the fuck was going on in RE5) which like. The bar is on the floor but something about Capcom's treatment of her character always kind of rubbed me the wrong way. The character herself is fantastic, do NOT get me wrong, I just wish Capcom had done things differently like not make her version of the RE1 playthrough "easy" mode or not incapacitated her for days in RE3 making her totally useless (not that I don't mind playing as Carlos, mind you) her popularity is well earned, I wish there was less fanart that sexualized her but whatever, and I love her friendship with Chris, definitely one of my top 3 platonic RE relationships.

Chris needs to stop being in so much RE content or I'm gonna go insane. There rlly was no reason to include him in RE7 other than to connect it more to the other games, but his "not a hero" dlc is pretty alright. Obviously his inclusion in 7 led to his role in 8 and oh my g-d I cannot forgive that ridiculous plot point of not telling Ethan about Miranda impersonating his wife. It's so dumb. His rivalry with Wesker never felt earned, but it was always entertaining to see. His rivalry with Arias was fucking stupid and completely unearned (I know they only had one movie to make it happen but still. I love that movie and hate it all at once) Also RE5 is unforgivable except for giving us Sheva so y'know Chris is a mixed bag for me.

Ada is a great character that gets treated like absolute shit. I love morally grey characters, and Ada is a great example of one, and the fandom almost always ruins her somehow, or Capcom finds ways to use her that I typically just personally don't like (like honestly that Ada clone shit in RE6 is ridiculous and totally unnecessary) She's done fantastically in RE2 remake which I love, and I'm honestly glad Capcom somewhat knew to pull the reigns when it came to the idea to have her in RE8 that was ultimately scrapped (it would've made no sense, it was ridiculous, I would not have liked it) so Ada is also another mixed bag for me. I also wish she had more of a connection to this stuff than (for the most part) Leon. Her mission doesn't always involve him, but she's only ever really there when he is, and it irks me.

Ethan Winters sucks and I don't like him and don't care about him and the whole RE7&8 fandom is wrong for liking them and yes that includes my boyfriend

Sorry about that. He's a fine character, he's a protagonist you wanna root for, especially in 8, but man do he and his story get on my nerves.

Alcina was just fanservice and gamerbait and for that reason I can't bring myself to like her, sorry guys. Same goes for Heisenberg even though he was less fanservice-y and a little more interesting than Alcina

Yeah that's all I got, if you read through all this, I am kissing you on the mouth

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

--

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

[lilallama]

(Sorry if I spell something wrongly lol) Idk, This is my opinion? Gryffindor, Jungkook. Hufflepuff, Taehyung & Yoongi. Ravenclaw, Namjoon & Jin. Slytherin, Jimin & Hobi??? I literally just searched the meaning of each house and just picked one based on the personality shown. Also, If you don't think this matches them, Sorry ;-;

[Don't worry, sweetie ^^. You don't have to apologise! 💕🍑]

Hoseok is a lot more two faced than I actually tend to show. The way he presents himself is mostly a mask. While he seems mostly calm on the outside, he's actually quite the opposite on the inside. Out of all the boys it'd be easiest for him to manipulate/influence Y/n (@bangtans-apollo Tae is quacking-) and he's aware of that. That's one of the reasons why they started the club 1. To protect Y/n, 2. The club concept came because it'd be easier to meet up and they would automatically get a clubroom and 3. Hoseok threatened to tell on them if they don't join, he'd make Y/n despise each one of them.

He is a strong leader (one of the Slytherin traits), I try to make him resourceful (but I am not myself so that might not shine through too much), he is definitely cunning. The whole ordeal with wanting to be with Y/n no matter what is pretty ambitious, I'd say. And lastly the traditionalism trait, he is very into tradition and has to keep his domestic fantasies with Y/n a secret. His parents raised him very traditional, he would hate it if (female) Y/n would ask him out first or would propose first and would at first frown upon his attention to (male or non binary) Y/n.

All in all Slytherin seems very accurate.

Now concerning Jimin; similar to Hoseok he too can be a two faced snake. He doesn't hide his true thoughts from Y/n or the boys, if anything he overshares sometimes (one time he started talking to Taehyung about some... rather inappropriate things concerning Y/n. That got his Y/n privilege taken away for a whole month). And despite practically pleading to be the "dumb bimbo" stereotype, he is surprisingly clever and intelligent. Before Highschool, before he made his first experiences with popular boys, he was a straight A's and B's student. Yet once he had his first boyfriend, he discovered that the people surrounding him typically preferred the dumb blondes. (He actually broke up with the captain of the football team for Y/n.)

He also sometimes displays ambitious, just in a whiney sort of way. Self preservation is definitely something. Unlike Taehyung, Yoongi, Namjoon or Jeongguk, he wouldn't let himself be killed for Y/n's sake. If Y/n were to be killed he would end up deluding himself into thinking a person who looks similar to them is them and would force Y/n's personality and style on them. Cunningness is 100% accurate. He's fake. He pretends to be a silly sweetheart who loves everyone but will spread rumours about you, blame things on you etc. and everyone believes him. His cunningness concerning Y/n is more whiney than anything.

So I do think Jimin fits Slytherin.

Namjoon was raised by strict parents who forbade him a tremendous amount of things and painted his world for him. It was engraved in his head, he was going to be the CEO of their company one day. Yet despite everything he still had a head of his own. Maye it was because if his high IQ that he understood that his parents weren't the only opinion in his life. Don't get me wrong, they still left him scarred (sadly literally, as his father once hit him bloody) and traumatised but not without a mind of his own. Ever since he was small creativity and originality was something he admired and loved. It was partly reason of why he fell for Y/n, their individuality, their mind, their heart, their soul.

We will not need to discuss intelligence, it's a trait he undoubtedly has. He is always willing to learn and showed interest in many different things before Y/n captured his focus. He is most likely one of the wisest members as he is aware of how twisted his love for them truly is (once again something I tend to fail at portraying) and tried to stop it when it started. But somehow that only made everything worse and by now he doesn't care anymore at all. When he was a child he used to be more openly curious than nowadays (as it caused him many punishments from his parents).

I feel that Namjoon would fit Ravenclaw.

Seokjin was spoiled all his life. His parents adored him, other kids adored him, everyone adored him. While he might've acted oblivious he knew that it's because of his money. Similar to Jimin, Seokjin changed when he entered high school. While he always was a pretty intelligent and well behaved student (still very arrogant though) he then became less concerned with studies and once made a teacher cry (that was before he met Y/n). He loves standing out as an individual, that includes making anyone change who crosses his path with the same outfit (not in school as they wear a school uniform. But outside, yes, he has that much power. Everyone knows Kim Seokjin).

As said before, Seokjin is far from stupid. He is a very intelligent individual but doesn't show the extent of his nolage. Instead aiming for a cool "Queen B" persona. He is witty with his comebacks (something I cannot write because I do not possess that superpower), he's quick with his words. He holds respect for people who are 60+ years old as he believes they've been through a lot in life already. These people have wisdom he could only gain by experience and that he respects (there is one very sweet lady that lives alone in a very big mansion a few streets away from his penthouse. He always visits her because he loves her genuine kindness. When he met Y/n she recently passed away and he saw a part of her in them).

Seokjin could qualify for a Ravenclaw.

Taehyung was raised by a very Christian family that he still cherishes very much. Because of their intense belief he was raised to worship. He never fell in love, so when Y/n crossed paths with his, he started showing love how he's used to it (Out of all the boys Taehyung is straight up insane. Something in his brain might be wired wrong, there is no explanation on why he likes them, on why he believed that's what love is because his parents treated him with normal, familiar love. So he is simply sick, there is no "saving" him. He's better of in a mental hospital). But he was always a very kind boy. Giving instead of taking, never wanting anything in return. Out of everyone, Taehyung was the one who welcomed new students and made tons of friends. But he grew out of it as his focus turned to art. He aimed to make his parents proud so he didn't have time for friends.

His loyalty is unlike any other. You could torture him half dead and he'd still forgive you, stay loyal to you, serve you. He is Y/n's servant. He works hard on improving his artistic abilities and also to maintain fairly good grades. For Y/n any labour he'd have to be put through would seem like a blessing. Another trait for Hufflepuff would be fairness and he surely is fair. As one of the least jealous members of the club he really only cares if Y/n's okay with what's happening or could get hurt (he always kets the other members have more privileges than he has because he believes it'd be not only greedy but prideful to want Y/n to hinself. He avoids any sin when it comes to Y/n, envy, wrath, pride, sloth, nothing will ever come near his modern day Jesus).

Taehyung definitely is a Hufflepuff.

If the boy who works two parttime jobs, to pay for rent, bills and food, cleans the shabby apartment by himself because his alcoholic mother is busy messing it up again, yet still treats his mother with kindness, only to be treated like trash by seven more powerful and successful guys in his school who all like the same person he does and still manages to maintain the position as intern and honour roll student at a prestigious school for roch people, isn't in Hufflepuff then I don't know what. This poor soul is incredibly sensitive and kind. He isn't judgemental (as he himself is used to people judging him). All round very sweet.

I think it's very clear that he's very diligent and hard working. He holds great passion for music and enjoys writing poetry, a very sensitive soul. Yoongi isn't someone to complain about something being unfair (cough cough Jimin cough cough) or try and steal Y/n away from them. His day dreams consist of imagining Y/n liking him back, but he is certain that would never happen (according to you guys, it seems a lot of you would pick Yoongi if you'd get to decide). Not only is Yoongi kind but loyal as well, he'd never imagine leaving anyone behind even his useless mother.

Yoongi is 1000% a Hufflepuff.

Jeongguk tends to be hot tempered, he goes from zero to a hundred in a matter of seconds. Everything in life seems like a challenge to prove he's better than others think (his father was a notorious serial killer who killed twenty one people yet got away with a ten year prison sentence and got released after six, ten months later Jeongguk was born). In truth he did not care for anyone else, only Y/n. So all tge chivalry he could muster was directed at them.

He is one brave guy who doesn't get easily scared (I guess living with as well as being a serial killer at sixteen years old desensitised him). Jeongguk is courageous just not in/for a positive way/purpose. He deluted himself into thinking that Y/n needs protection, HIS protection. He once attacked a teacher because they were helping Y/n with a question, that's very daring (more like stupid) just not in a good way. A (still not) more positive example of his daringness is when he wants to impress Y/n. He hung from a skyscraper for five minutes doing pullups, just to inpress them. One time he also jumped across his luxurious pool at home (and almost slipped, almost bashing his head in) just to prove that he can jump further than someone they talked about.

I could very much picture him as a Griffendor.

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