#but i feel like if i were going to kill myself id do it to better music lmao
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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them
#i am not a sneakerhead#i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot#i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally#bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe#and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential#once i got these rlly nice shoes#ive worn them once when i was trying them on#and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty#BUT I HATE THAT#some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT#im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one#i can understand why they can#like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have#like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live#like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like#yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house#chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes#any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes#and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them#random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that#u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are#or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know#the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u#anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do#anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally#he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys#which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today#but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO
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a government worker was a little mean and now im sad i hatehate hate being sensitive
#basically i was so anxious i messed up my address in the form and they looked at it and went#'*laughs* there's so many mistakes'#and the person next to them said 'well better than knowing nothing. that would be stupid' *laughs again while looking at my form*#i am going to kill myself#tw suicide mention#tw suicide#IM NOT ACTUALLY KILLING MYSELF BUT DO U GET ME I AM NOT IN THE RIGHT HEADSPACE FOR INSULTS RN MY GUY#i was getting my voter's certificate#like i was so polite to u even tho u were already so cranky like...why would u do that :(((((#i just had to let this out dw im fine i think. im just kinda sad bc i already have so many existing doubts and have been bullied since#childhood so idk man i just dont feel good lmao#tw rant#id rather have ny head slammed against a wall again likeback then in childhood than go thru verbal insults id rather accept pain lik that#i have high pain tolerance but emotional stuff?? i am soft and gullible 💀
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i know I must be pretty normal cause my last two and most significant long running relationships ended with one of us in the mental hospital + one of us in jail. respectively
#if the tables had been turned i would blame karma but i was the one who got screwed over first. also in my defense i had talked myself out#of killing myself but my ex didnt care and they forced me into the psych ward so they wouldnt have to deal with me#and not to seem so victimized but i didnt even call the cops on the second instance. i didnt even press charges. i didnt want anything to do#with any of it#i couldnt love my ex after they did what they did cause the psych ward and the hospitla were traumatizing for me it was a horrifying#dehumanizing experience and they didnt really care. and i wish things had gone the other way around because i love x so much and both times#i landed him in jail i didnt press charges and id never want to it wouldnt do anyone any good and it wouldnt teach him any lesson and like..#where is the line with me?#i left him but i do still love him. i dont think i could survive being with him and i do feel optimistic about my future sometimes without#him cause wow that was...heavy. but i dont understand....he really made me feel like shit once and i deliberately overdosed and he took me#to uc and he actually stood next to me and talked them out of taking me back to the psych ward because i freaked out so bad and he always#listened when i would tell him about how horrible it was.#and when he did that i thought it was a sign of how things were going to be different this time around. because he wouldnt do that to me.#well i guess i did it to him
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if you told me all those years ago that the people who made the song that got me through the worst time of my life would go on to do some of the craziest things in their career and you said they're gonna go perform at all these places and do all these things 😭 idk what baby me would've done but current me is literally so overwhelmed with emotions ... 😞🫶‼️💗 like that's just too crazy to me to really put into words but watching the skz journey feels so heart warming and exciting and im so incredibly fucking proud of them... 🥺🤍 my skz you are so amazing 😭🫶💗🌙🫂
#idk what i'm trying to say#but 17 year old me found you when my life was in ruin#and then 🤍🫂 you picked me up and put me on my feet... 😞💗‼️ and i... i am lucky to have you in my life ...#i wouldn't be the same without you...#no i mean.. i wouldn't even be here without you#😞 i know that for sure ... like without a doubt#that part of my life was ... bad 👍#sitting on that train after being assaulted the first time and feeling like it was over like i was going to kill myself and then#all i heard was chans voice saying 'blessings wait for you'#and 😞 it felt like the first hug id had in ages... like someone had held me and told me it would be ok 😞💗#idk ... kinda presumptive to say i owe them my life but... 🫂 i wouldn't be here without them#that much is for damn sure ...#so to see them come this far ... do so much#🥺 the pride in my heart is beyond overwhelming#being here since they were nugu losers 😭💗🫶 GOD I LOVE UUUU MY SKZ!!!!!#i don't know how much more i can say it........ i so incredibly love you 😞🤍💗#god i'm so proud#i hope chan knows 😭🫶💗🥺 with every fucking fibre in my being that i'm always ALWAYS cheering him on 😞 that he deserved this so infinitely#god i fucking love him 😭‼️ my darling boy.........#:( my skz fr...#li.txt
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:((((
#i am doing this entire database assignment by myself basically. some of them figured out the er diagram a few days ago and i volunteered to#write the paper because i was sick that day and felt bad for not participating#turns out literally everything they've done is wrong and im 99% sure it was all from chatgpt the code is wrong and not the way the professor#wants it. so now ive written the entire paper and have to rewrite the SQL code and build the fucking database#all while i have an exam at 8 tomorrow#im probably not going to sleep tonight#its fine im not like stressed to the point of feeling shitty and depressed i know that i just have to survive the day and things will be ok#after this#but idk how people can be like this#idk how you can be okay with letting one person do the majority of the work on a group assignment. if that were me the shame would kill me#and when i asked for help in the group chat no one responded it's been seen by all members but no reply and that pissed me off so much#id rather they come out and say they don't know how to do it than flat out ignore the work.
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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time#all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it#but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even#more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done#lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it#and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too#like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they#get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am#i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating#and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just#wanna god damn fucking dir#the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back#now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically#nothing compared to what i was supposed to do#its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to#do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for
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#ok. so the guy from school i visited emailed me today like: good news! we unanimously voted to extend u an offer here#so expect the formal offer in the next week. and im like uuuugh i wanna say yes so bad#bc in the us i would have more flexibility in the program than i would in the uk#and my options in the us r either to b a big fish in a small pond at this schoolor a little fish in a big pond at the other#bc this school is underfunded and a bit isolated out in the mountains but the staff r pretty great and big egos dont seem like a big issue#but if i go to the other school its like a big well funded school. the application was like 75 dollars. fuck u and really annoying#and i mean id have to live in new jersey. so in the city with city driving and prob a more high pressure school environment#and more of a chance of dealing with big egos. but like career wise im sure it would b good. assuming i don't mentally collapse#but i mean that doesnt seem as fun as spending 5 years out in the rocky mountains#like thry have fucking moose and bears! there were deer and turkeys in town!#and my dad just sent me a video of all the spring peepers singing back home and im like 😭 bc froggies and he was like i bet u could find#frogs out in [redacted city] and im like 😭 ur right. it just seems like the better choice for my poor overtaxed brain and the project is#so cool too. i want to get the cyano species as my computer background asap. and the guy is nice and apparently super supportive#and i could probably walk to hiking trails. god. i mean i have to say yes to that. i wanna say yes so bad. send me the formal offer bro#ill fucking take it before i even hear back from the other schools lol. ugh. i hate making choices#oof i am so excited to kno where im going and plan my departure. its gonna b such a pain moving tho i pray that my mum or dad can drive#with me bc otherwise the 20hr drive by myself might kill me. thats almost as bad as my initial move out here lol. the us is so big#ugh. again choices. is this the right choice? probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. the project feels so right. cyanobacteria#my algal group of choice. and hot springs. how tf do u say to no to that? i mean. id b doing that in new jersey too but with red algae#ugh. put me out of this misery lol. also as an aside. shout out to my fucking disaster brain for not being able to focus on a single thing#my boss in a meeting: so glad to have students and staff so excited to b working on this project!! me: lady i hate that im on this project#bc im just sitting in until they can get an actual student. i just do what im told but appreciate the enthusiasm lol#ay. im so tired. i wanna see the snow and mountains. and fix my head. and get outta the desert. and listen to frogs 🐸 😌#unrelated
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Anyway the world has like a month to fix all my problems before my brain decides to off itself
#i don't know if this is funny#but having to leave them hurts so bad and uts not even getting better#cant exist without thinking about what it was like ehen they were here#and now im alone and it was such an insane shock to go from feeling so happy and safe to remembering that one mistake fucks me up here#and my future is the opposite of safe here#and all i want to do is just say fuck it and move to be with them but i cant and its just killing me#because i should its the only way ill ever get to be with them but im too selfish to do that and i don't think ive hated myself more#but i have all my animals that i cant legally bring over because some arent really mine and others arent traditional pets and it would#make them so so stressed with the trip and all my plants cant come and ive had some for over a decade now and i cant replace them#not to mention all my clothes and sentimental things that i wouldn't be able to bring over#my meds would cost so much over there and i absolutely hate the actual lifestyle in America and all the people#all the laws are fucked and getting worse so its likely id get fucked over one way or another and id probably#lose my citizenship to obe of my countries if i tried to move there#the food sucks and so much of my favourite stuff isnt sold there abd i cant import ut in#and noje of my plants or animals can survive in the climate anyway#so id have to give up absolutely everything#and i cant do it but i hate myself for not being able to#and i miss everything here when im with them and i miss them when im here#and ill resent whatever i side i don't pick and resent myself more#because both options suck and i don't know if i can do this#even going away now means i miss out on the last bits of my animals lives but i cant even cherish it#all i want is them but i cant have it#i don't know how to fix it#i don't think i can#even just the time difference kills me now#cant see them when they wake up cant see them when they get back from work#can't enjoy it when im always leaving something behind#make a shitty choice either way and hope i don't hate myself enough to kill me for it
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terrified of the concept of going to a highschool reuning in like 15 years purely because i remember i think my graduating class was maybe like 175 kids? and i swear to god my placement must have been like 174 out of 175 and ill show up there a lesbian with bipolar no kids unable to drive because im pretty sure the DVLA wont let me because im bipolar and ill just show up and go ''i dont give a shit about anybody here actually'' and then leave. because everyone i hung out with in highschool wasnt in my class LOL
#im only positive i wasnt the dead last kid because my friend who was a super senior was there graduating with me too LOL#i remember at least for my class i was 20 out of 23 so i was like floating above rock bottom#but THAT was only because the like last 3 kids are those kids that were capable of skipping school entirely. i wasnt#if i was able to skip school i think i wouldve been rock bottom 23rd no competition#sadly i wouldnt be a dropout because i was part of special education so theyd do everything in their power to hold on#like junior year when they only passed me cause my sped teacher told my teachers to pass me or id kill myself#anyway. realizing highschoolers probably follow me. hi. dont feel the need to be good in school if you cant theres really#not much wrong with just doing the bare minimum to nothing. i promise you if you wanna die every day being there#you dont have to put on a brave face and suck it up. just let the homework go
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Penance
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER | 7.18
#faith is like 'i would die for you'#faith is like 'i will follow you to hell and drag you back'#faith is like 'i will follow you to jewven and kick ass on the way in to make sure they're treating you right'#faith is like 'the only value i have in this world is that i can help you let me help you'#faith is like 'i will kick my own ass if it makes your life easier for even a moment'#faith is like 'im only worth something because you make me feel like im worth something'#faith is like 'i love you buffy but im too broken for you'#faith is like 'any moment i spend with you is better than any moment i ever deserved'#faith is like 'i cant forgive myself and thats just another way youre better than me because you somehoe did'#faith is like 'if i had thirty seconds to love this is how id spend them fighting at your side'#faith is like 'i will kill anyone who touches you'#faith is like 'i wont let you go alone'#faith is like 'this is a bad idea but its yours so i love it'#faith is like 'if we die together its better than living without you'#faith is like 'isnt it crazy how slaying makes you hungry and horny' then goes slaying with buffy#faith is like anyone with a traumatic childhood who was taught they were worthless only to have a ray of sunshine prove thats untrue#faith is like 'kill me or kiss me just please do one or both'
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vent time. cw for abuse, bugs, self harm, blah blah blah blah
#so i have really really bad issues with bugs for several reasons#growing up - probably from ages 3 to 14 - the house that i lived at had a really bad roach problem#and i was always really scared of ingesting them so id do things like wash dishes and cups before i use them and id feel queasy eating beans#fast forward to about 17-18 or so and my dad and my step ma are going through a pretty nasty divorce#and it just so happened that that house had bed bugs#everyones bed was mostly okay except for mine#and since my parents were so caught up in their divorce they didnt make time to deal with that issue#so on top of horrible insomnia and bug trauma and skin picking issues i was essentially getting eaten alive every single night#this lead to me hallucinating bugs on my skin whenever i had anxiety attacks -- which i had A LOT at the time#i would pick at my skin so roughly until i bled many many many times over and ive always been a self harm junkie so NOT GREAT#but anyways after we moved out of that situation into a new apartment#i spent a full 12 hours cleaning and sanitizing every single cloth item i owned#but i had a lot of plushies for comfort purposes#in the new apartment my dad found a dead bed bug and blamed it on me#because of my plushez#he kept yelling at me and pinning it on me and i snapped and threw out all of my stuffed animals eventually#and i sobbed and cried so fucking hard... i think that was one of the worst cries of my life and ive been beaten crazy before#he came to yell at me about it again but i told him i threw them all out and my voice broke and i could tell he felt bad for me#so fast forward again and i bought a big seal plush and its become my number 1 comfort object i lost it for a few days and felt such panic#i cant sleep without it and i cant get a new one#i love you so much ponsuke if anything happens to you i WILL kill myself#hes the first plush i bought for myself after the Purge happened and i am... unhealthily attached#millievents
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why are glasses so expensiveeeee
#glad they do the 2 for 1 thing here bc I'll need a lab pair I can put in a safety goggle frame & and a general use pair#got my eyes tested and yeah my astigmatism is a lot worse LOL well it has been forever since i last had em checked#and i was wondering why looking at screens is so difficult and why my vision is sooo bad cycling at night i get crazy glare#well. one week til i can pick them up and then hopefully no more headaches and i wont get into any car accidents lmao#i mean my vision isnt THAT dire I can see fine without glasses just uncomfortable innit. esp if i have to focus#picked up my mail too so thats done... dont rly wanna leave the house again until climbing tn so im just gonna chill#also bought myself mouthwashing as a treat... it is my week off after all :3 i think im gonna watch a movie first tho so i can sort out#admin stuff and update my planner......and maybe journal a bit i have some shit I wanna work out#mildly annoying i wont be able to pin my roommate down to talk over the next few days bc im going out tn and tmr night#and we were gonna hang during the day bc she has time off work too but shes said she'll be too tired so she'll just be in her cave#and then idk if she did make plans for the weekend in the end but tbh if I cant talk to her abt shit beforehand I'll cancel for this time#I'm tired of every group social thing w her being tainted by this I just wanna have fun & not feel shit for being alienated for once#it was my friends birthday this week and id like to do smth nice w them but if we both go together ik she'll just upset me#unintentionally bc i havent been able to talk to her abt it yet. but still.#maybe ill just make separate plans w our friend then i dont wanna be an asshole to them bc i have a problem with someone else entirely#anyway. its not that deep just need to clear things up. fucking hell can my stomach stop COMPLAINING its not lunch yet!!!!#its okay. grrrrrrr. maybe if i have a snack itll calm down. i rly need another drs appt to bring up my physical issues but whatever#dealing w the depression is the priority hopefully my digestive system and menstrual cycle wont kill me in the meantime#okay thats my oversharing done for this thursday morning love u guys bye#.diaries
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#vent#negativity#i wish i was less bitter and full of hate and anger and frustration#i wish i never felt angry at all#i wish i can never raise my voice#i wish i can notice when im raising my voice and scaring ppl#i wish i had more self awareness to realise that im being mean and judgemental and scary#i wish i werent argumentative and stubborn#i wish i can go back to when i was 16 and genuinely thought i was a bad person and therefore every bad thing i do is just status quo#im so sick and tired of trying to improve as a person because i honestly feel like im getting worse and it makes me so scared knowing that#at least if i were sure of being a bad person again i wont feel this much anxiety and hurt over accidentally being a dick#god i wish i were still convinced i were a bad person then at least id think killing myself would actually solve things#idk anymore im just so sick and tired of being a human being who just wants to be loved but never feels loved because of learned self hatred#or at least i think its learned. if im just misinterpreting things then welp lollllllll i guess im just meant to hate myself then#im so sick and tired of being scared and waiting for the moment when people would just.... reject me completely and disown me#why do i have this fear since i was fucking 8 what fucking world is this that at 8 years old i was this fucking scared of being disowned#now im just waiting for my friends and the guy im currently talking to to just......... fucking stab me or some shit idk
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i hate the food situation at my house so much for the love of god. theres only so many times a man can eat ramen with nothing or tuna with nothing
#theres no fucking. ingredients. theres nothing to add. i used to walk around my kitchen trying to look up stuff to make with what we had but#it required like. an onion. an egg. a spice. a vegetable. and we dont have that#and something about me. idk what it is idk if its me or my dads fault but i cant ask for it. i cant. i think part of it is bc i need the#ingredient for my one thing and then. it goes bad and its my fault and i feel bad#i hate my food situation so much. my dad makes this food in the microwave that he knows i dont like or eat. but if i make something else he#gets offended like thats not fair#and i feel bad for complaining bc i should just get a job and buy my own food but im not gonna do that bc im not gonna get a job.#i have trust fund money. like a decent amount from when i was hit buy a car#i should move out of state like right now. and live off that and when it runs out. ill just lay in the street i guess. i hate my life so#much guys its not funny. idk what to do. theres no fixing this theres nothing i want to do and nobody can help me bc theres no solution#everyone ignores it bc theres no solution to my problem. im never gonna be happy. its never gonna be worth it#nobody wants to tell me thats life suck it up or die bc they know id rather die by a mile. im so embarrassed of my stupid life im such a#failure. i want to kill myself bc i dont want to work like how pathetic is that. thats so stupid. i dont really say it to my parents bc they#would just laugh at me. or yell at me. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i find myself hoping i get in a car accident and die#anytime i go out. i hope i dont wake up in the morning. i hope something bad happens and its not my fault so i dont get the blame i just get#the benifit of not having to do this anymore#god thats so. dark. its how i feel.#its getting to the point where i dont feel like i should say im not gonna kill myself at the end of these. im still not yet. but it feels#like a yet situation. like its gonna get to the point where i start trying again.#im still not there yet though. please dont… well idk what happens so suicidal adults. call the police on me. my methods arent any more#refined than they were when i was 14 trying to drink. nail polish.#simons spouting#vent :(#suicide //
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so do you spiral into rage whenever you realize the person who got you seconds away from killing yourself is moving on with their life when somedays you still feel like you're stuck in that moment that fucking traumatized you and how unfair it is that they get to move on when you almost ended it all over them or do you not have a deep seated fear that you jave no effect on the people aroujd you
#suicide tw#cw suicide#tw suicide#suicide cw#candyskiez vent#i know its irrational. i know#but fuck its. a part of me is almost mad at them for moving on. even though earlier i was fucked up because whst if i hurt them what if im#terrible person. i keep fucking flipflopping. ive never once wanted them back but ive missed them so bad and ive hated them and i still#fucking love them and god. i almost killed myself. i almost KILLED myself and they get to just??? be upset that i didnt want them in my lif#they can just go on about how it was so hard for THEM to lose all their friends when they were the one who cut us out. and everyone feels#bad for them. but fuck. i almost fucking killed myself. i almost killed myself because of this situation. i thought id never be happy again#i was wrong. im finally healing from it. but sometimes i can't help but hate them. because how DARE you ever act like the two things are#even remoteoy equivalent. you lost SOME of your friends because you made a stupid ass life decision you had EVERY way of knowing would blow#up. we were in hell. we were in fucking hell. the friend group almost fucking fell apart becase of your stupid ass. i almost killed myself.#i thought id never be happy again. i almost killed myself without leaving a note so i wouldbt have to feel yhe pain YOU caused me. YOU. and#you think you have the RIGHT to be sad? you arent the fucking victim. you have NEVER been the victim of this situation. you will never be.#and logically i know i know they can feel however they feel and thats valid and yeah they cared. but it feels insulting fucking INSULTING#because how dare you be sorry when i could never forgive you for what you did. how dare you do something so STUPID and get surprised when#people got hurt. you are a fucking awful friend. you dont deserve forgiveness. i dont give a shit youre sorry. why should i care. why is it#MY job to care that youre a fucking idiot. you hurt me. why is it my job to understand why? i almost killed myself.#later on im probably going to feel bad for them again. i know they aren't a monster but god it is so fucking hard to care. ive never gotten#that close to suicide. and they very nearly pushed me over that edge. i was so fucking close to writing a note. i was debating if i should#send the note to my online friends. i was on the fucking brink. i will never fucking forgive them. i almost killed myself.#and their name wouldve been on the note.
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#im really just ranting so pleasr ignore this post it really isnt that serious i just need to vomit it all out before i crash#i wish i knew who i was i wish i knew who i was going to be who i would havr been before everythong went to shit#before my parents beat my soul into submission before i retreated into myself so hard im killing myself just trying to come out again#i dont know who i am or what i want or even how to begin ttying any of that#my therapist started saying all the same things my dad would say abiut me and about my qork and about my life#id been with her for over 5 years so maybe she is right maybe my dad was right maybe my parents were right maybe i do deserve nothing#i hate my body but my partner says its beautiful i can barely face the day but my partner is happy when i do#they say my parents were wrong in so many ways but why is it taking me so long to prove it#ive been bad my whole life o was a bad kid a bad friend a bad adult but i wanna be goood so bad ii might puke#i know i can be good but why cant i prove it why is it stopping me why cant i push my my brain why cant i hit the override and just LIVE#its hard being 25 when i didnt think id make it to 15#its hard living when all you want to do is give up i want to give up i wish i could and maybe a few years ago i would have#but now for the first time in my life i want to live i want to do good but my brain body and soul have no idea how#i think im autistic and the worst part is realizing how much of me that is how much i should havr been cared for#i have to learn how to live in the world but the world is so scary and it hurts and my therapist talkrd a lot about getting used to it#she wanted me to dive in and didnt understand no matter how many qays i tried to explain to her how much it painrd me to try it her way#i wish i could just do it that i could grin and bear it but i cant anymore i cant just do it#i wish i could just become who i was supposed to be someone without the pain and the torture and the constant berating#someone who can have a job and cook dinner and still feel whole after it all#i jist want to live i want to be good i want to get better and i feel like peeling my skin off my body i feel like ripping out my teeth#it makes me feel awful every time i cant do sometbing because i was getting better i couod feel it and now im in hell this is worse#i feel like im experiencing depression for the first time all over again ivw never been so violently thrown bacj into the pit#please i want out i want to hear creaks without thinking someone is 8n my home i want to clean like someone isnt watching me#i want to move around my home like i dont expect to be graded i want to be able to sleep at night and not have tomorrow ruined by flashback#im so so tired and for the first time in my life o dont wanna give up i wanna be better but i dont know how#every time i try to get help something goes wrong and i run out of insurance soon so im probably just fucked#my antidepressants arent doing shit and my birth control makes everything harder and i jist wish i could take medication and live#im tired im tired but ive been crying in the bathroom for over an hour because sometbing so stupid triggered me#and now im a child again and i have work tomorrow and i cant scream and cry into my partner cause they have work#they work so hard for us and i can barely do a day im so fucking pathetic and yet they stay with me
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