#and feeling like im fucking suffocating
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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time#all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it#but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even#more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done#lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it#and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too#like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they#get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am#i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating#and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just#wanna god damn fucking dir#the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back#now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically#nothing compared to what i was supposed to do#its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to#do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for
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I saw what you said about Jack and Bloodmoon👀 I SEE YOU ARE TRYING TO BREAK MY HEART-
WE'LL IT'S WORKING- But it also got me thinking👀
There's something so deeply unsettling about Bloodmoon's situation. It's an inner, deep rooted horror!
They have always been two, working as one. And despite their hunger, despite their violence, they worked in perfect harmony, never fighting for control. Or anything, for that matter.
Imagine: You wake up. You are surrounded by the abyss, and your body is aching.
You are hungry, so hungry, it drives you to insanity. So hungry, you want to claw off your skin. So hungry, you want to rip out your insides.
But then there is someone else. They are inside of you. A part of you, yet someone else.
And they understand. They feel the same hunger. Their body aches the same, for theirs is yours, and yours is theirs. You are the same.
You are one. You can hear their voice inside your head, and feel their presence tingle underneath your skin. There is a presence inside of you, and it turns your insides warm. It eases the hunger, eases the pain, just enough to make it bearable.
There is a constant presence inside of you, and your head is never quiet. It is always filled with thoughts, some from you, some from them. Sometimes, they will respond to an idea of yours. Sometimes, you tease them for thinking something silly.
Sometimes your body is heavy, and they will gently tug you back. Their presence is no longer beneath your skin. Instead, it surrounds you, their warmth swallowing you whole. They will think of something to make you laugh, because they are a part of you, and know you better than you know yourself. And when you laugh, you feel their lips, yet your own as well, quirk up into a smirk.
You are never trapped, because you're always free to take control, and they will let you, because they trust you, and you are as much a part of them as they are of you.
You are still hungry, but you are not alone in this hunger. Instead, together, you do anything to fill it, hunting down prey. And when you are unsuccessful, they will simply tug you back, and reassure you, telling you you'll catch it next time.
This is your whole life. From the moment, that you first opened your eyes in the abyss, they were with you.
You do not know loneliness, for they are a part of you. Even as you are used and betrayed, time and time again, you do not learn the meaning of loneliness. Because they are right there with you, feeling the same pain. You can hear their thoughts, their anger, their wrath, yet they never lash out at you, rather killing a rat you've stumbled across. Likewise, you're own thoughts are leaping waves, crashing against your skull and leaving you two with a numb ache. But you are not alone, there is a buzzing beneath your skin, and you find them pulling you in. They do not come out, leaving your shared body leaning against a wall, as their warmth surrounds you. "I am here." they tell you. "I'm not leaving." you reassure. You will never know loneliness.
Except then you do.
You are separated. At first, you do not notice the silence, still high on adrenaline and bloodlust, high on seeing you sibling, your other half, face to face. But then you lose you fight, and there is no one to reassure you, to tell you "good job", or take over and finish it for you.
Suddenly, you become aware of the emptiness. The presence underneath your skin is gone, leaving you freezing. You feel your stomach rumble, but no one notices, no one shares it.
Your head is silent. Their voice is gone. Their presence is gone. You can only hear yourself, and you are left reeling. You feel like a stranger in your own skin, a husk who has lost it's soul.
Then you are told, they won't come back.
The buzzing in your flesh will not return. The warmth inside of you will never save you from the cold again. The voices inside your head are gone for eternity.
The presence inside and around you has left. For the first time in your life, you are truly, and utterly alone.
And you are left feeling like nothing but a parasite in your own shell, for there are meant to be two, not one.
Just imagine: there is a constant weight on top and inside of you, like a weighted blanket, and a voice filling your head. And one day, the weight is gone, and your head is quiet, for the first time since you can remember.
But it's not a relief. The weight was a comfort, and the voice was your friend. They were familiar, and all you've ever known. There was never an existence without either.
-Stardust
HELLO STARDUST ANON HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME I AM IN SHAMBLES
I don't even have any additional thoughts you literally worded this all spectacularly. The second Bloodmoon wasn't even technically supposed to be there, but they latched onto each other all the same and worked their existence around each other. They were comfortable and they were familiar and they were happy :(((
UGH THATS SO FUCKED UP. I'M GUNNA BE THINKING ABOUT THIS FOREVER NO ONE TOUCH ME
#asks#anon#stardust anon#'the weight was a comfort and the voice was your friend' IM GOING TO START PROJECTILE CRYING AAUAGAHAGHHHH#I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGE HOW DEFEANING THE SILENCE FEELS.#HOW SUFFOCATING IT IS TO KNOW WHEN HE LOOKS AT HIS BODY HE WILL ONLY FIND HIMSELF AND NO ONE ELSE#FUCK OH MY GHOD ITS JUST LIKE ANIMA SOLA NO ONE LOOK AT ME STARTS PUNCHING AIR#sun and moon show#the sun and moon show#tsams#sams bloodmoon#sams bloodtwins#tsams bloodmoon#tsams bloodtwins#angst#tsams spoilers#sams spoilers#long post
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to all the people who voted for their conscience instead of the good of the country, i hope you're happy. i'm sure trump will help the people in palestine right after he denies life saving medical procedures to women.
#a vote for anyone but harris was always a vote for trump#politics#human rights#save palestine#i feel like im suffocating#america#usa#usa politics#2024 presidential election#fuck trump#donald trump#kamala harris
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#the more i stay around people the more i want to become like them out of spite#because i was so surprised these people are at least 24-26 years age some even did a minor bachelor's before coming here#some have completed post grad and then joined#like aren't you all too fucking old to act that immature#i grew so resentful of everyone how they keep on doing the worst low man shit and then victimize themselves#hypocrites full of shit they don't want to hear the truth#i know no one has the audacity to take a fight with me on here because they know im the youngest here#not because im the youngest but because im better#the girls frown upon me because i don't hear their low mindset humorless jokes and pointo out where they fall short#oh [my irl name] youre so stiff hamesha kami kyun nikalti rahti ho hamesha baat kaatne ki aadat hai learn to take a joke#mazaak hi to kar rahe hain kya yaar#ive cried so many times because i feel suffocated here and out of hate i want to act immature selfish hypocrite too so i do#i become self centered and look into my needs#but everyday bcg shows me how one stays firm in mindset even amidst surrounding of shit people#he points out to me all the time when i start acting like them he says why aren't you trying to rise above#i say ham bhi karte hai na unn chutiyon jaisa behave kyunki unhe unhi ki language mei samajh aata hai#achha ban kar honest banne se kuch nahi milta yaha#but he knows his stuff#he never does these things#however much i let evil thoughts take upon i get astounded everyday how he's practicing his rightful his honesty even tho no one's looking#it makes me want to cry#i hope he gets so ahead in life i hope he stands at the podium one day on a stage and deliver speeches where people actually can see him#like he sees the orator that come to attend our unis gatherings and says everytime kuch to baat hoti hai inn logon mei#i hope he achieves whatever he wants i hope he gets ahead of everyone all this fucking corruption#its not that he's done anything that im applauding he tries his best#and maybe teachers see that too all in class they're only looking at him and teaching they know#do you know how fucking hard it is not get corrupted in this uni and become one of those assholes that have done things unimaginable#im inspired everyday ill try my best to be like him#i do not just want to praise him i want to become someone he doesn't have to say fir tum bhi vahi karogi to kya farq reh jaayega#kuch bada nahi hota logon ki roz roz ki choti choti aadaton se pata chal jaata hai vo kaise hain
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(↖ guy that has issues) i don't know what's worse, being sober or being clean from self harm
#txt#self harm mention#<- for blacklist#it's suffocating not having an outlet for how i feel#is it fucked to say i miss cutting more than anything else#nothing quite like the adrenaline rush and mess of blood#i know im fucked but whatever. whatever. shakes myself#in the end i regret it and hate myself for how my body will never be scar free again so what the fuck am i even doing
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i posted that stupid shit on my instagram i might just kill myself fr
now im afraid i wont sleep for another 24 hours damn 😭😭
#took me like 50 hours but we did it 🔫😼#i might still delete jt#the anxiety is no joke#like no joke#ahahs7bsudbdus#im so tired man#so like fuck me.but i cant justify killing myseld before trying. after that i can. somehow. Im tired and i want nothing more than that but#maybe i just want to stop the pain. nevertheless#i hope someone anyone who sees. that even if im being too open or too vulnerable online i hope it inspires someone a little bit to do the#same. i hope the reactions wont be too harsh. just dont ask me abt it irl cuz ill cry.#fuck mental illness and traumas man. acchan i hope it wasnt so suffocating for u. at least hopefully the people who loved u could make it#better.#tbh now my anxiety ia better cuz nobody is awake xddd#whatever its not that serious. only for me ig#sorry ppl the mental illness really said emphasis on the illness these past 2 days. i didnt think id live it so badly but here we are. well#i hope with this i managed to get something heavy off my chest. i hope i can continue for just a little longer#to see if it's worth it. i dont even wanna think abt tge fact imma have prom on sunday. why is that im always most suicidal when i have to#graduate? i skipped elementary graduation cuz of it. im not skipping this one but im not participating in the dance cuz i knew id somehow b#at a bad place and i wouldnt have a partner also. hmm whatever. i should sleep now maybe. i feel good now a bit. really have to sigh get my#shit together now.#not sunday friday the 50 hours no sleep getting to me
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the dashboard unfucker plugin i had doesn't work anymore and its stopped being updated so now i am forced to look at tumblr cosplaying as twitter for all of eternity
if i was any better at coding i'd do something about it but i have executive dysfunction and learning how to code all over again ON TOP OF everything else i have to do right now i think it would send me over the edge
#barking snarling gnashing my teeth etc etc#mobile users are probably confused lmao#anyway i hate the way it looks i hate the way it feels i hate that nobody wanted it and nobody likes it and yet its still here#i hate that the reason it isnt being updated anymore is because the fucking moderators of this site were SELLING BANS TO TERFS#i hate that the people running this site despise trans women and trans people in general#i hate that my right to exist has become a subject of debate#i hate feeling like a bystander because trying to fight back against it could lead to me getting outed#i hate all of it#and all this hate is only a shield to hide just how fucking scared i am#because im so fucking scared#with the way the world is i feel like i'll be in the closet forever#i'm suffocating in here#tomothy rambles#vent
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being bipolar is so like. bitch i really live like this huh
#there’s this giant black cloud over me and it’s suffocating me and it feels like i cant fucking get off even though i know im being#ridiculous. ughhhhhhhhhhjjgfhhffjfjfk.
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I am really…really depressed right now. Can someone say something comforting to me…?
#it’s fucking getting to me man#I can’t step outside without feeling like im suffocating#the heat and the smoke and the shitty air quality#and breathing is getting scary#and my body hurts every day#and im broke and I don’t have health insurance so I just have to take it#I need to find a stupid fucking job#and job hunting makes me want to kms#its crashing in on me and im trying not to panic and freak out#I hate this I hate everything
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The upstairs thumping started again around midnight, right when I started trying to sleep. It's even more infuriating when I have to be up at 7 am. I've been getting absolute dogshit sleep this week, and it's largely because of them. It's been 4 nights in a row, and I am So Fucking Tired.
I'm going to leave a note on their door tomorrow asking them to stop. And if they do it again tomorrow, I'm submitting a noise complaint. I don't fucking care.
#speculation nation#ive been crabby and feeling physically awful.#i woke up with a nosebleed this morning bc of everything.#and i have to be up in 6.5 hours for occupational therapy and still it is Thump thump thump thump thump#it's worming into my brain and messing things up and i.#i am putting on music. to have a Good Noise. so i dont go full autistic meltdown over this again.#it's harder to sleep with music on but it'll hopefully make it Possible.#bc i really would like to get Some sleep thank you.#i really am so fucking pissed off at them. there was none of this noise all throughout the day#but it starts up. riiiight at fucking midnight.#is it cockroaches in your mind? preventing you from considering the people you could be keeping awake?#youre lucky im leaving a note before resorting to filing a noise complaint. i really would like to do much worse.#god. i can still hear it over the music. i dont know how im supposed to fucking sleep like this.#it's an absolute nightmare for an autistic person with an auditory trigger for repetitive noises#+ is both an incredibly light sleeper and an insomniac.#id cover my head with blankets to block the noise if that wouldnt risk suffocating me. lol.#negative/
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I think I’m always going to be running and trying to find the next thing that will make me happy and it will always be something I have to find within myself. So that’s cool.
#escape tag on the mind. thinking about getting up north and the joys of the road and then realizing I would have to start my life there. I#would still have to settle down somewhere and have a home#guy who wants to leave constantly and not be found but cant shut up and loves to leave evidence of themselves everywhere#love covering things in stickers love writing my name on park benches love leaving my mark on the world#but also. get me out of here and I need to get somewhere where the world feels bigger than my bedroom#cause Florida feels so suffocating rn like I have no where to go no where to be me to be happy to have friends to have fun#I feel so trapped in my room and my room feels so monotonous#idk what to do to change it cause im avoiding being miserable and the fear of failure is eating me alive so im not taking any hard chances#to move forward and it makes me want to throw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#my mom randomly brought up sending me up north with like a six month budget plan or whatever and now idk if I should be looking for a job#that hard or not and idk what I’m doing and it’s freaking me out and I want to run away from everything#but I also would do fucking anything to be near my friends rn to feel like I can breathe when I go outside to be up north would fix so much#of my shit going on rn and even if it didn’t magically make me happy it would be so much easier for me to set roots (even temporarily) andi#can live month to month up there my mom pressures me so hard to have long term plans and it’s not what I need rn at all I need to focus on#short term shit and not get anxious about the big picture but my mom cannot shut up about the big picture and future steps and all this shit#and idk what’s real and what’s hypothetical plans and it’s so annoying and frustrating and I want to get my shit together but I also don’t#bc the world seems miserable but god I would so much rather be miserable up north with Millie near me than be miserable in the heat w my mom
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if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything
#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but#i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded#people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to#the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times#for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh#n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!!#i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!!#of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own#friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find.#also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids#you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously#elle woods at harvard law type#i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do#not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour#and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best#i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money#itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr)#2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence#im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating#its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still#dp you get what i mean#and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still#if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway#smalltown boy will byers moment#dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are)#also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3
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thinking abt sett and cannibalism as a metaphor for love
#Get a load of this guy - OOC;#im in my thinking man pose....#i talk a lot abt how sett's idea of love is a little skewed in mainverse since he's so up his own ass#and if he finds that partner willing to put up with his ass and break apart his horrible outer shell#or worm their way hardcore into his side#he'll eventually break right#because like whatever he can lay with whoever he wants but he doesnt necessarily love someone because of that? they just fuck#oh but when he's IN LOVE.... its suffocating dude. crazed. obsessive because he's like why the fuck do YOU make me feel like this#whats different. i need to be a part of you. i need you to be a part of me.#and it aches in his chest and he loves so hard and he wants to be consumed by it when its the right person#absentmindedly been writing that into discord threads... that shackled up obsessiveness that he pushes down#but claws its way back out and then effectively makes him act a type of way:tm: with his partner#hes literally that quote thats like 'i still dont know how to love someone without swallowing them'#i love u cannibalism as a metaphor for love. yes im insane.#dont get me started on if he kisses someone too hard and his fangs catch their lip and they bleed because of it#he's normal i swear I SWEAR#taking a page out of mars' book again by writing my dissertation in the tags thank u good night
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what is wrong with my dad i hope he dies man wtf😭
#tickets didn't get confirmed so he's like gaadi se aa jao??? bc akal nahi hai kya car se aayi aisi journey jisme train se 12 hr lagte hai#mujhe nahi jana car is so suffocating and i feel sick and i hate trips longer than like 3 hours#and what am i supposed to do for so fucking in the car ill go fucking insane i was literally folding clothes and thinking what am i even#doing with my life why am i alive i need to kill myself end it all its all pointless#the only way to stop these thoughts is being busy and studying doesn't help and watching 5 hours of netflix doesn't help#now im supposed to be alone with my thoughts and my phone and my depressing music#and be anxious in the car all the time because he is mad at me cause i haven't been studying so idk what he'll do when i get there#probably make me drop out of those tuis or be like you stay here with me in the middle of nowhere#great just fucking grand
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I'm sad today but I can't cry for some reason so
Imma just link songs that make my brain go djis8ekeeikeke9sks so I hope imma feel better and hope you feel good too
everyone thank Imai for music that makes me feel like I am a washing machine
I love it jdiskemeokekwksmsoowowkekejejwn I love BT :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((<(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍💜💜💜❤️❤️💜❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍👁️👁️🤍👁️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️🤍❤️❤️☹️❤️❤️🥹🤍💙🥹💙💙🤍💙💙🤍
some other stuff that make me go nrenejnenene actually idk what that last song is i found it in spotify and it kind of kills ms for some reason but like in a what the hell way. like its kinda good but its not idk its good
uwuwhejwjejwjwjei3iej3jj2jwjejjejejejejejejejeijekke like seriously what do you do when you feel frustrated but cant seem to let it out. imsmsmsmksmekskekejejekejejejejejejejejejjeieieiejjeoeiejejiwiwjwheje i feel so helpless omg.
usually j private these posts but idk maybe it will help me fele better if i post thid but also what tje fuck am i doing and what the fuxk is wrong with me
Sorry please dont care about this
i just idk who to talk to and i cant even explain anything i feel even if somebody listens so imma just scream into the void today
but please dont feel sorry and dont care jm just gonna have my period or some shit but i feel sad andd d notjing takeeess it awas todayysyyyyyyyyyyyy
dmdkdkdkkeororo4o4p4p3oo3o3keo4o4oo3o3o3o3o3oo3o3o3o3oo3o4o4o4orkkrorororkrkrkkrororo4kroro4k3ii3oroeo4oeoeori94949499494o394o4o39299393oei3i3ieiei3i
i want to boop a snooott :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
please boop my snoot :((((((((
im not drunk im just clinically insane
i just want to feel reckless once and act on impulse so imma just Post this
#sorry im just lonely and wanna let it out i#miss my mom and#i miss sushi#and i miss a lot of ppl actually and#i miss being happy but i cant even#remember#how that feels#i feel like im getting there#but some days i feel so paralyzed like#theres nothing for me here left#but i will continue but im#sad today#thats all#i wannango home#but idk where that is#i feel soo suffocated whs the fuck cant i cry#I#want to have friends#iam tired of being so lonels#i want someone to hug me im so#so#so lonels#i want to hug my mom#huabaha actually now im kinda crying this is working#AhshshsjjsjJa i want to scereeeam but its 1 am#I wish i wouldnt have to muffle all ms sorrow into my pillow i#i want to be a person i#am sick of just lurking around and#making everyone forget me#and i want someone to remember me and thats 30 tags so thats all i want today i guess
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btw it is our little's chosen birthday today since it's also emu's bday & not a single person has wished them happy birthday even with them being devastated in our discord status so 🙃it'd mean a lot to them to come back from their sad nap to ppl wishing them happy bday
#mine#we're not saying their name or alias publicly on our acc that's pushing it#but like. i got permission from our primary protector to say smth bc they're genuinely devastated & we're all fucking pissed.#like they literally. told multiple ppl when they picked it out. & were already hurt when they didn't wake up to anything#& then made our status a vent & still. not a single person has said anything. like. idk. im rly pissed idek what to do w myself.#they've been put through so much bullshit this yr w being treated like shit & made to feel just as shitty as we all do. it sucks.#we're all pissed & hurt on their behalf & our own & each other's. i just. idk.#like they say u know who ur real friends are when ur hurting & it's like. damn not even our little has anyone who can be arsed#to give a genuine damn & say anything to them when they're crying on their bday they excitedly chose???? & looked forward to???#they literally were begging & praying to get attention today but instead it's been mostly me & our protector out bc they're so devastated.#idk what to do or say anymore i cant even bring myself to say anything directly to anyone.#im sick of watching not even our little be spared from being treated like shit for being depressed considering the circumstances bruh.#ANYWAY... they're in the back of the headspace taking a nap w another protector to try to cheer up a bit. so.#wish them happy bday and wish them well smth idk just take the load off all this loneliness bc it's suffocating for ALL of us#but it def hurts them the most and it sucks. and im tired. and pissed.
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